The Only Organization You Can’t Get Kicked Out Of – Jack B.

Anyway, the weekend has been quite interesting and rewarding. He's a man, in my opinion, that has no sham or pretense about him, and he has a truly delightful sense of humor. And it's a privilege and a distinct honor to present our guest speaker this morning, Mr. Jack Bailey from Pacific Palisades, California. Jack? Hi, yes. Oh, God. Are you sure you're through? I have an announcement today. My sermon is not going to be that long. Well, this is a real honor to be here. I've got to tell you, in the cradle of A.A., and I better tell you right off the bat, did you say Bailey too? You said, oh, yeah. My name is Jack Bailey, and I am an alcoholic. Yeah. It's a, it's an honor to be a privilege, a hell of an inconvenience. Lou called me in February and I know what I was saying to him. And I never did understand that for sure about breakfast. And when you say yes to something in February, you're sure it'll go away, right? It didn't. And Lou and Dick, the moneybags, were up at the Cleveland airport. And we had a wonderful trip back. God, we went through Canal Fulton. We were over in Kent for a while. Massillon. Dick said finally, do you know where the hell you're going? and old Lou the Pathfinder said no and he didn't but we finally got here and it's been enjoyable I've met a lot of you people and I've enjoyed it a lot I'll hear your jokes, Lou for next year I'd like to take my sermon this morning, dearly beloved Gunther on the theme of what I like about Alcoholics Anonymous and I give the whole damn speech in two words everything you can sit down but you went through that breakfast You ought to get something. So, uh... Somebody said, what can they do to eggs? Let me freeze them. I've got to tell you, seriously, I have never seen this big a crowd serve this fast. Ooh, whoever those girls were, that was good. I'll only bring you some coffee, you rat. Yeah, I tell you this at the beginning for two reasons. I've been a member of Alcoholics Anonymous, come next October, for 30 years. That applause was the first reason. I like to hear him clap at the beginning because you're not too sure what happens at the end and the other reason is a much better reason I must say it's the only way I personally can recommend Alcoholics Anonymous because if I hadn't have enjoyed it if I haven't have gotten a lot of good out of it if I had not led a happy and passing normal life you can bet your bird you can bet your bird I wouldn't have stuck around for 30 years but it gets more better and I have thoroughly enjoyed it and the thrill of speaking to a crowd like this in sort of the cradle of AA is an enormous thrill it took me 30 years to find out where the hell it started I didn't know that until I got here I thought Bill Wilson was president for all these years and I find out Dr. Bob the guy that helped him he helped I don't know who did what to who but it sure come out good didn't it yeah right on now for me to stand here and tell you the history of AA be ridiculous you know more about it than I do I never got straight about that lady from the tire company, Mrs. Seiberling. Was she sober? And I have said many times, and I meant this with great respect, that when I first joined AA, I was delighted to know that it wasn't caused by some do-gooders or some social workers or some psychologists. Yes, even clergy. Anyway. I was glad to find out it was started by a couple other birds that couldn't drink, either. And I found out that one guy lost his seat on the stock market, and another was a disbarred doctor, and the other was a crooked nun. Those are my kinds of people. I like that. You bet. I met Sister Neshe in Cleveland, and I scared the hell out of her. She looked like my mother. Really. Oh, she was a lot of people's mothers. She was darling. I did not, unfortunately, have the honor of meeting Dr. Bob, but I met Mr. Bill. and, you know, in the showbiz and all that, you're supposed to be glib and everything. And we got through lunch in New York, Bill and some secretary and I, and I started to say goodbye. And by God, I got a lump in my throat and couldn't say it. You know, there's a grace of God. I don't know where I'd have been without Wilson and Bob and Sister Ignatia. And, well, I just love them. Still do. And so it's a triple honor to be here, really. I was at Sister Ignatia's dinner in Cleveland with four of the mafia. And I was halfway through my sermon before I got my transportation money. I was worried about that. And I found out that the chairman was the guy that was a hairdresser, and that worried me. But as all AA functions, it worked out pretty good. But I was glad when I got in AA that it was just a bunch of people couldn't drink. I fought it for a long time. Mercifully, I'm not going to do a drunk-a-log. I tell you the truth I can't because I forgot the best part of it and I must have been an alcoholic all right because reports are still coming in after 30 years but I don't think that's necessary I can assure you that alcohol never did me any good I thought it did but it didn't always work out that way now what we're supposed to do is say what we're like and what we were going to be or where we're going. It's some kind of a format there. And what I can do is say, as I already said, alcohol never did any good for me. I don't remember starting drinking. Now, I noticed a lot of ladies, God bless them, the members, they, when they were kids, they read a lot. They were always reading and hiding in books. Well, I read a comic strip once as a kid and didn't understand it so I quit reading and I don't even remember my first drink. Somebody probably asked me to have a drink and I took it and I didn't know what happened. Nothing, I guess. And then in high school I was a sophomore in high School and I was drinking at weekends like you do as a high school kid not the way they do now do they? But anyway, I fell in love. I have been all my life a great lover. And the older I get, the more I like to tell you about that. Anyway, I found this love with this girl in this little town in Iowa and what I had learned from drinking then was nothing compared to what she was teaching me. that. I enjoyed that more at the time. That seemed to be quite a thing there, and I didn't understand it, but I was learning. And my mother didn't like this girl. Now, that has happened in a lot of people's lives. So by gosh, as a sophomore in high school, she sent me to a military academy. Now that's next to prison. That's no good. Anyway, to get away from this girl, I had to go to a little military school in, you know, a town in Minnesota. Well, I met a guy there who taught me the glories of lemon extract. Now that'll take the hair right out of your throat. Oh, God. But anyway, we did that and we'd smoke and we'd be devilish. And then there was a call to go out for football. And I went out for football. I really wouldn't laugh at this. I went out for football, and by George, I made the team. Now, in the academy, there were only 12 guys out for football. And it only takes 11, and the other had a bad leg, so I was on the football team as a quarterback because I could yell. Now my friend who taught me about lemon extract, he also made the he had one more affliction than I have his problem was as a sophomore in high school he still wet the bed now all of us in the academy called him P.P. Siebert and I just loved old P.B. he just he's just a real neat guy later he made the swimming team the backstroke anyway so B.B. and I were playing football and the coach called us in one day and said now we're going to play in St. Paul it's a big academy up there boys and I don't want any of you clowns on this Pillsbury team to try and play football they'll kill you up there if the ball's coming toward you drop it if you're supposed to run around one end, don't run, fall down. Just keep out there for an hour and if you do that and live through it, we're going to let you free over the weekend in St. Paul. Now here comes my first problem with alcohol. P.B. invited me to his house and we went over to his house and his father drank, which was a glorious thing to find out in St., nothing much else to do there. So we got into Pepe's father's brew. We got about half-potted, and I said, you know, I never liked the coach, Pepe. He's a bad man. He is not a good character, and I think you and I ought to go down to the hotel, and tell him what to think of me. So we took another drink. Pepe said, I'll drive it. He drove me all the way down St. Paul. Now, St. Paul in October and November is cold. So we, like a froze getting down there, we got in a steam-heated room and I got to throwing up on the coach and he was telling me what he thought of me and I never got to tell him what I thought of him. Except the following Monday I was kicked out of military academy and only because I was drunk. But that didn't make any difference when you're a sophomore in high school. I didn't learn any lesson from that And I thought, well, they don't need me. I'm about one of the three guys paying tuition anyway. Hell with them. And I got a job playing with a dance band. I finally went back to Littletown, Iowa and finished high school. And I went back and I got into the University of Drake. Drake University in Des Moines, Iowa. And there I was supposedly studying for the ministry. My mother was a devout Methodist And I told her I was going to divinity school. They have pamphlets, too, and I'd send those home a lot and say this course on feeding the Armenian was interesting. All that phony stuff. I was playing with a dance band bootlegging at the fraternity house and I was kind of the cat on the campus there. So one day at homecoming I had sampled some of my brew too much and I was a yell leader. I didn't go out for football, I was the yell leader I got on the football field and I thought the whole homecoming thing was in my honor and at halftime I grabbed the drum major's baton threw it over the gridiron trying to catch it and looked up there was a nine foot cop standing right there and he said come here drunko and he threw me out of the game and following Monday I got kicked out of Drake because of drinking. So I had a lot of problems with drinking, didn't I? Yeah. And then I, well, the curtains fall many years later. I was in San Diego, California at the great exposition they had there, the World's Fair. And I was a barker for the streets of Paris where for ten cents they'd take it off if you had an X-ray eye. Anyway, I fell in love again, dear friends. Ah, the romance budded. Now, the only trouble with this romance was that her husband was in the U.S. Navy. And as far as we could ascertain, he was out at sea protecting our shores. And I invited this charming lady to the hotel on Lower Fifth Street in San Diego. And Lower Fifth street's exactly what you think it is. Yes. And all of a sudden, there was a knock on the door, and here was her un-American husband and a cop, and I went back to the clink. I was arrested for being lewd and dislood. I just loved that. I didn't know what it was until I was in AA for two years. So the drinking coffee. Now, that lady was a classy lady. I always pick classy ladies. You will think this is a gag. It is not. Her job was a shill and a Filipino pool ball. High class. Always first class. All right, the scene changes. Now we're back in Glamour City, Hollywood. and one morning on Queenford Day I was sitting at the table in the Moulin Rouge doing my very best to get a shot glass up to my head which as you folks know is a problem at times, right? Jiggle glass, well as I was standing there trying to do that a clean old man who worked on the show walked by and said, are you just going to have the one? Well, I hadn't heard that from anybody my close acquaintance at that time and I said yes just this one I had a B1 last night and they always made me sick in the morning and he said you're a liar but I'll tell you what if you ever want to do anything about your drinking and you better you give me a call I once was sober for five years had a bottle of beer and I was drunk for five weeks and I thought well we got a real cuckoo here a hell of a big bottle of beer see the normal people don't know do they no sir they don't know well anyway the minute he told me that I promptly had him fired as any good alcoholic would don't want him talking to a big star like that by George so we got rid of him the next day he got a hell of a good job he's been very very, very well off ever since. So I fixed him, right? But he did one thing that we do more of than I think we think we do. He planted the seed. He planteth thus seed. And mercifully it sprouted later. So after I got rid of him, I began thinking, as all good alcoholics do, I wonder if they're right. I wonder why all these people are right that are telling me all this, and why are they ignoring me so much, and why did they break away immediately that I come into their company? And you get to thinking of those things, and then you take a few drinks and you forget it. And you take you a few more and you don't care, and you take your few more in the morning and you can't remember. So you're just fine there for a long time until something inside tells you it ain't going right, Jack. It ain't goin' right, Ruth. Somethin' wrong. So one Sunday morning there was nobody in the house and I decided to experiment to see how long in the morning I could go without a drink. Now, I was a daily drinker. Round the clock. Every minute of that part. So that experiment of going without a drink was most unsuccessful. I had a terrible time with that. I thought I drank the coffee too fast. You know how we alcoholics figure those things out in our big brain? Smoke. Took a deep drag, that's what it's doing. I went outside on the porch, put my arm around the post on the porch, take a big breath of air, that like to killed me. And that was before smog. And I found out, after I'd been sober about six months, we didn't have a post on the porch. It was out there, though. So, you know, the thing dawned on me. Thank God that seed sprouted that that clean old man had planted. Now, I don't like clean old men. And I didn't like him sober. And I want to tell you, I hated this man, this guy. I hated him because he planted that seed. But I thought, well, if he's so smart, I'll call him. Now, in the morning, I never had the shakes. I had the leaps. God, I was leaping around that house like a jackass. And I got to tell You something, I had an awful time with that phone. But finally, I got a hold of this clean old man. And he said, I said, you told me to call you if I ever got to want to do anything about drinking. And I got to tell you something, I'm scared to death. And I was. I was scared. So were you. So I called and said, I'm scary. He said, well, do you admit you're an alcoholic? And I said to him, yes, I admit I'm an alcoholic. He said good. Everybody in town knows it. Now it's unanimous. Well, I didn't like that. And I said, you're not supposed to make fun of me. I'm not well, and I want you to be careful. So he said, well, I'll tell you what you do. You go out in the kitchen and take a drink. And I thought, what the hell? I'm hallucinating on the phone now. And I says, don't get too cute. He said, what did you say? He said go out the kitchen take a drink. Your head's rattling so I can't hear you on the phone. He'd take a drink and I'm going to come over to your house and talk to you. Well, buddy, that's the first time I liked AA, I'll tell you that. And I put that phone down the cradle and I did just what he said. I went out and I had a drink. Let the tape show I'm holding up two fingers. I went out and took a drink and now six months before this time I had gone to a doctor I had been sent to a doctor and he examined me from head to toe considerably long time in the middle there of me and I I just laid there on that old cold slab here on and he couldn't find anything and I said well thank God give me my pants let me get out of here And he said, wait a minute. If you keep drinking like you're drinking now, in six months, you've got to be dead. I said, did you find anything wrong? He said, no, I can't understand technically. And I said to him, don't send me the bill. You didn't find anything. So I got my pants on and went back to my office at the Hollywood Plaza bar. hey yes of course I'd been freed from the doctor he told me I'm going to die in six months didn't bother me boy us drunks are brilliant aren't we so we held my own wake at the bar you may be sure I led the singing and bought the drinks and we sang things like I'm waiting for ships that never come in I cried they left got a new bunch and our big number was they all hummed and I sang now is the hour when I must say goodbye and we oh yeah big deal there but I that's not what a jackass I am that's what all of us are when we drunk that shit we know we're doing and anyway the old man came over and he sat down and he started talking. But all he did was talk about himself. Now, that annoyed me because I had made the call, right? And I is his sickie. And here's this jerk sitting over there, cool, sane, and sober, telling me about the fact that he drank so much that he had to live in a chicken house. Well, now, I felt sorry. Really, what a pity you had to live in a chicken house with your children. I'm not exactly living in a chicken house here. And then I think I heard the back door and I'd go answer the backdoor and there's nobody there. And I come back in and we'd hear some more about the chicken house. Oh, God. So then I'd go upstairs and answer the phone. No phone up there. And all of a sudden Well, we made another trip to some place And when I got back in He said, Jack Why don't you bring the bottle in here? And I said Jerk that I am How did you know? Well He said the magic word Because I'm one too I'm want to Maybe that's when I learned It takes a thief to catch a thief It takes drunk to catch drunk and now he annoyed me no end for the rest of the time he told me 15 places I could have been hiding a bottle instead of those stinking five of mine I could be in half in a bag but I only had five slugs and that guy told me all about it now then the big moment came I said that's good program I forgot one thing that Lou put in the flyer this guy really said it Lou Lieselot, but this was the proof. After I'd had a couple drinks and he came over to tell me about his chicken house, I got smart, you know, with a few drinks, and I opened the door and said, come on in, Mike. Whatever it is you're selling, if I like it, fine, if I don't, to hell with it. And mercifully he said, look, Jack, you need us, but we don't need you. And that hurt me, because I had by then, after I'd had two more drinks, expected to be president of AA within six weeks. Always very humble, yes. Well, anyway, we got to the point where you all have heard and you all Have said, and we have all said, now we'll go to a meeting. And I said, oh, me? A meeting? You should say not. He said, why not? I said well, I don't want them to know. I'm a big star. I don' t want to be seen at an AA meeting. God, if people recognize me, that would be bad. And he looked at me and he said, who's going to recognize you from radio. Then the magic time came where I said, I'm not going down under my own name at all. Not going to tell them who I am. I'm going to use another name. He said, fine, hell, you can use any name you want to. Pick a name. Well, that's a drunken challenge that you love. Boy, I worked on that, I've got to tell you, for ten minutes. I went around, I'd look in the mirror and finally came up with a real cool name, Jim Bartell. You know, if you're going to pick a name, you pick one like Sylvester Ashby something smart, but Jim Bartel. So the night we went to the meeting, which was that night, I had this poor patient jerk rehearse introducing me to the steering wheel it's just the two of us in the car and he'd say Jim, this is Rude Claude, this is Jim why he didn't kill me I don't know anyway we got to a meeting in North Hollywood and before the meeting just as the meeting starts they turn out the lights I thought we were staying outside quite a while by then I wanted to meet everybody and take their inventory. Anyway, all of a sudden we got in the door and the lights went out. Now nobody got to meet me. That was a shame, but not worth it. And all I remember about the first meeting is the guy was from San Francisco and when he was a kid he hadn't had any tennis shoes. And I thought that's a shame and so I rose in the meeting and offered him some tennis shoes and I got a karate chop in the belly I won't forget. So then when he got to the ah of the amen in the Lord's Prayer, I was outside again. Nobody to this day has ever met Jim Bartell. Except me and I don't ever want to see Jim Bartell again. He's a turkey. But that's how it started, and then the glory came after I got over worrying about what the hell they're selling books for, and where's the sawdust, where's the bass drums, where're the tambourines? We all did that, most of you. And all of a sudden you find out you kind of like it. And then it began to dawn on me that I wasn't any of the things I'd been called by her. Her was not an Al-Anon. God, was I glad to hear that. Oh, that's better than all of them. Now, this has got nothing to do with Abe, but according to the medical profession, the three worst diseases known to the medical profession are cancer, heart, and us. We're as third sick as we can get. And that's sick enough for me. Had to catch something. Thank God I got this one. And I was glad to hear that. Now you know about the inroads of making cancer. You know what they're doing about heart. But this is the only sickness in the world where there's some place to go. You've never heard of Hearts Anonymous, have you? Two belts of this coffee and a dance kill half their members. Right. Right. So I maintain, how lucky can you get? And another thing is nobody in here promised you that they could cure you from this alcoholism. But they can arrest it. And if there's anything wrong with Alcoholics Anonymous, in my opinion, and the opinion of thousands of others there isn't, it's that one little phrase, don't take the first drink. That's too simple for the alcoholic brain to get through his head. What do you mean, don' t take the f rst drink? Well, that's the one that gets you drunk. I don't get drunk on one drink. What the hell are you talking about? Then you call a guy that's had more time on it and let him talk to him. Now then, where in the medical profession our sickness is number three in the cuckoo department we're number two really yeah crazy number one is violent social disease starts with this no worse than that Polish joke anyway and that's a proof And I figure if a guy hadn't been drunk, he wouldn't have caught that. Anyway, the thing is, you're just about dead and you're almost nuts. And the only thing to do is arrest that, cause of that. Well, the think, too, is you've got to reach the end of the line. He'll tell you that a lot. You've got be no good in some department. You've gotta be no-good in all departments. That's better, but you've gotta no good. So why wouldn't I be proud and happy to join an organization and stay with it for the only requisites to get in Alcoholics Anonymous? You've got to be damn near dead, pretty near nuts, and no good to get there. AlcoholicsAnonymous does not want nice people. Is that clear? No good. That's right. And the worst drunk we've got are ones that are the best secretaries. They always run for an office, and it's just great. I know when I first joined, many years ago, perhaps a lot of you are wondering, and I don't think it's any of your business, but I'll tell you, I've been in 30 years, and I joined when I was 11. Not... or so or so well the thing is what I enjoyed about it is that everybody's here for the same thing now my gosh you know I hated joining I didn't like anything they made me go to the Rotary Club to meet different people hmm the docs were so bad at the Rotar Club I drank triples instead of doubles and that was awful I quit the Masons I quit them there was a fella that reached up under my apron one day and I just I got out of there you Catholics go ahead and laugh I've got one for you later is he laughing yet? yeah darn it we're alright so far but everybody at AA is here for the same thing damnedest thing I ever saw a roller club they say here's my card I'm a plumber you want to use car high end three wheels they all hustle in here they're going all they do here is take your inventory and that's alright too because you can take theirs if they shut up a minute everybody tries to be at first like I was all things to all AAs I was a banner carrier make them take beer signs down do all that junk and I couldn't 12-step I was no good at 12-stepping and so I went to one of the old Kregels back there dusted him off, got the moss off his teeth and said I can't 12 step he said well you don't have to do everything that was it so I felt good you see here's the thing I did try the 12 step and I had the first 5 12 steps I made I had 2 suicides and natural death and 2 of them we never heard from so if you have anybody in the Akron area you really hate I'll 12 step them and kill them but you don't worry about all that that's the beautiful thing of this program there's no set rule you don't have to do that but you better it's either in my opinion I didn't have an opinion of thousands it's neither AA or AMN and that's not a chance I care to take I just like to go along when I first got here it was so many years ago they were hiding us for God's sake they used to hide us in the cellar if they thought we wouldn't suffocate my wife would close the drapes and I'd walk around the house stiff in a boot naked sorry you missed that friends I wore a hat honest to God I wore a hat, very elegant. Wore a hat and a jaunty... Oh, God. Anyway, there was an old maid living next door to us. Now, wait a minute. You're right, but maybe... And this old maid was Walker Dogg. Now, she was a mullet like I've never seen. Poor old thing, and the dog even hated her. Anyway, she'd walk by, and I thought, she needs help. and I'd wait till she get right opposite the bay window and just as she'd come by, I'd be standing there with my hat and I gave her a little peek. Yeah. Gave her a nice little peek there and she either moved away or laughed herself to death. I never saw it. What the hell happened to her? I'm the only one, you may be sure, that thought that was funny then. Oh, my God. All those terrible things that I thought was there. No good. You know something about AA? You probably don't. You probably know this anyway, but I'm going to tell you. it's the only organization I know of that you can't get kicked out of isn't that great it's the only organization of people that are trying to do good that carries with it a jail sentence our disease is putting a bogey now but that's getting better and better I think they're doing something about that because AA and alcoholics are becoming the thing in the country that Supreme Court had a meeting and they decided in their wisdom something should be done about drinking in the United States court adjourned and you know they went in the back room in the chambers took off their monkey suits and got drunk they had done a mighty fine job I don't know where the hell the money's coming from but there's a lot of money floating around and it's for alcoholism yeah, well that's good if there's enough of it maybe they'll put us all on a pension and I'm ready if I can get it, I'm going you bet but it's I think alcoholism has almost replaced cholesterol We're the real big things now. The reason you can't get kicked out is that this is the only organization that any of us know of where when they say they love you, they mean it. Now, you can imagine somebody calling the sponsor at 3 in the morning, always at 3 en the morning. Nobody has to slip in the afternoon. But they call the sponsor and say, Ah, hello. This is Claude. I don't know what happened. But I got drunk and I wet my pants. Well, the sponsor isn't going to say, What? You broke one of our rules, you rotten guy. Don't you call me ever again. No. Bye. You know? You can get the old lady up and say Would you heat up the coffee? and, uh, where's my book? Never find your book when you want it. And then he gets the coffee and the book and a butterfly net and goes back after Claude once more time. One more time for Claude. Nobody at the door of meetings sniffing your breath and said, oh, hmm, you've been drinking, huh? None of us ever were born and our big ambition was to become an alcoholic. It just happened. I don't know if we were born with it. Some were, some weren't. Who the hell cares? I know a guy whose wife jerked him out of the sanitarium, took him to the psychiatrist to find out why he drank. And on the way... I shouldn't laugh. I told her not to. And on my way to the psychologist, he died. She never found out why you drank. Well, he did, didn't you, Lou? Yeah. Oh, Merlin Lou. You can't get kicked out, and in my opinion, people that go on the program and then have a little trouble, a lot of trouble, go out on slips and come back, that takes a lot at doing. And I think that they deserve and will get a second and sometimes a third chance because it's tough. Christ, it's hard enough the first time, isn't it? I'm not going to do it, but it's just marvelous. But you cannot get kicked out. Pretty soon they'll get tired. They may throw you out a window, but they'll try until you're on the way out. And if you're fairly new on the program, yeah, I've got that big mouth in 30 years, don't let that worry you. I won't have been sober today. It's only the one day. and don't worry, for God's sake, how far you have to go. Be thankful for how far you've come, even if it's a day, even if It's a half a day. Just be thankful. Now the fact that you and I are sober today is not going to straighten out our life and there will be no bumps through hills and dales. There'll be plenty of those. There is still reality. I must tell you a story that happened to me and it has a happy ending I'd been sober 22 years and my wife of 30 years died of cancer now that ticked me off we were in love she was a lovely lady now I figured like every other jerk why me, that's not fair what the hell have I been praying for all this junk thinking one thing stands out in my mind thank God I never thought once of taking a drink because I'd heard many times and hopefully you have nothing in the world is bad enough that a drink will make it better we know that, we must live that so I had AA and that's all I decided to be a hermit I figured well I'm over the hill Charlie I've lived a long and lusty life and held everything and I'll just sit here and sulk that's what I'll do I'll fix everybody but I did go to meetings and one night I went to a meeting now this is the glorious part of alcoholic side benefits I went to this meeting and I saw a young lady leaning over against the post. And I said to myself, there is a lonesome girl and I as an old timer must go and help her. It's what it says in the book. Well, I went over and I busted up my nerve and I said, hi. And she said hi back and I was through. I don't know what the hell to say. See, I was out of practice. Well, I got the going and I said, what are you doing? And she said, I'm going home. My daughter's there. And I said oh, good. Yes, thank you and goodbye. Well I called her again and then her sponsor got on. I knew her sponsor. Her sponsor said, Jack, why don't you lay off? You've got six months on the program. Now You're not supposed to get, what the hell is that term? What? Emotionally involved. Tell a police joke. Thank you, Lou. Emotionately involved. So I talked to this lady and she had had one year birthday cake in Honolulu, right? And she'd been in and out like a yo-yo for five months, six months at a time. And she had mounted up quite a little sobriety there. so I put that all together and I talked to her sponsor my AA mother-in-law and said you mind your own business and I'm going to have a date with this girl to make a long story short and very happy we have been married six years yeah thank you and her name is Jean and she had been on the program seven years and she's delightful and sends her apologies because her same daughter decided to make a hasty visit to our home in Palisades and she had a right because her daughter is going to New York right? you understand that please and she sends her love and she also is a phone friend of Lou and Rita and I have had about enough of their damn phone calls right Rita? we're going to put a stop to some of this still got the money Dick anyway I gotta get home yet I like it thank God I think I'll go on for another hour this is marvelous you folks listen where's the joke well I tell you what I like especially about these kind of affairs it's more like a party right you're here for some fun and well I ain't no philosopher I'm a meat and potato drum so are you we don't need that philosophy that philosophy and all those big words what got us here a lot of us trying to figure out life hell got a philosopher like Joe Leith I don't know what the hell he's talking about I never did and Mary said don't worry he doesn't either so it's fun you get the lion But I would be remiss on today's sermon, and what would it be Sunday? Is it still Sunday? I've been waiting since February to do this. I had to get up at 7 o'clock. Oh, my God. Anyway, have I fallen down yet? I think that I'll tell you now that I'm an authority. you're laughing you're ruffing real turkey down here I'm an authority on religion what? I really am I'm in authority on religion and that hasn't got a damn thing to do with Alcoholics Anonymous right? I was awful glad to find out it wasn't religion because I had had quite a little of that now that's going to shake up the priest Yeah, but the Klan members will love it. Anyway, I was born... Glad to know that. I was born in the Middle West in a little town in Iowa called Hampton, Iowa. Now, Hampton Iowa, when I was born and grew up to the ripe old age of a sophomore, was 3,900 people. All Methodists but two. One Catholic and one Baptist. Anyway, to this day that little town of Hampton, Iowa is 3, 900 because the minute those cats get their diploma from the high school, out of town. Everybody leaves town when they get out of high school and hardly ever come back but in that little town of Hampton my mother was a devout Methodist and I am no way making fun of her religion it meant a great deal to her it meant everything to her I will tell you this that my maiden name is John Wesley I'd like to have that kept anonymous you can't Jim Bartell better than that but you can get any Methodister than that And at my mother's knee in those days, I learned the fear of God. Everything was thou shalt not. Do not do this, do not do that. Thou shalt NOT do this! God is washing you. God knows what you're doing behind the barn. Maybe I cut that out for a couple of days. But I was brought up with the fear of God. Everything was a spook. And when I got in Alcoholics Anonymous, thank you for the magnificence of Bill Wilson, Dr. Bob, and the founders that worked on the book and said, God as you understand him, keep it simple. Get the hell out of your own. I don't think have said that. Keep out of your way. They meant it. The simplicity and the beauty, and in my opinion, the friendship of God. Now I know, I know God has an enormous sense of humor. If God didn't have a sense of humor, he'd have killed us years ago. Imagine our God, the AA God, he's looking down and he says, oh, there goes Roy. Give him about a week, get him to a meeting. I heard a man say a thing which was beautiful in my opinion. He said, don't you worry about God. The minute you walked in that door, God quit worrying about you. That's kind of nice. And don't let it spook you. If you're an atheist, I'm for it, but be a sober atheist. You keep coming back to our meetings and we'll get you. But the beautiful part is we won't get you until you're ready. And that's fine. You ease in being a drunk, you can ease in being an alcoholic, anonymous member believing in God, get on your knees and pray and then let him alone because if you don't he's going to screw it up anyway. Don't have to tell drunks about praying, hmm? Ooh, we prayed all our lives, haven't we? Oh, God, will you just have us asleep this one night? God, I hate my boss. I hope he gets a fungus that sucks. Oh, it's the gimme prayer. Gimme, gimme, gime. That all was, wasn't it? Now you see we got something to thank him for. That's great. And if you don't want to pray, if you don't know how to pray don't worry about learning. I told a dude the other night I was trying to say the surrender prayer and I forgot it. Yeah, I got a copy now I won't do that again. Anyway I beg of you if you're fairly new on the program or fairly old the least used word in the English language is the word thanks. Now if you can't think a prayer and if you don't want to pray and be a spook or something when the lights are out you're all alone, you got through another day just say thanks you don' t have to thank anybody you don''t have to think anything because God is our understanding we'll hear that and if your on the alcoholics program and your doing the best you can that's all you have to do, the best she can one day at a time you got an awful lot to say thanks for now I know a couple of prayers mercifully they're short mercifully a touch of humor but that's the way I feel about God I got I took over I forget what business it was lately and oh God I was doing all that you know how we do and that night when I was talking to God and saying goodnight and everything I got to laughing and I said I want to thank you for all the serenity that you gave me today. I'll do better tomorrow than to be in a shneeked-in bed. Yeah, I know God laughs. Jackass sober, jackass drunk. Ha ha! Yeah! These two prayers, I love them. And they're very short and I just... They mean a lot. This one prayer is... I heard it from a guy who got up every morning of his life since he got on the... And he said this prayer. God, don't you and I get into any trouble today that you can't get me out of. Well, I love that! Yeah! They keep saying, turn your life and your will over. There's a way to turn it over. God, you take it. I'm going to blow it. That's fun. And then there's the one about two little kids. They're standing there visiting and the little kid said to one of the other, you pray at your house? He says, we pray at our house. we pray, oh God, pray before breakfast during breakfast, after breakfast, on the school pray in school, pray at playground play on the way home, play after that pray before we go to bed pray all the time don't you pray at your house? he said yeah he said well when do you pray? just at night he said you want to pray at night? he said hell we ain't scared of the birds yeah but you and I have gotten over those scare prayers, haven't we? And what a release and what a wonderful gift we've all been given. And the only requisite is that we try and we keep it up and do everything we can that we can't get out of. I didn't get a chance to do that. I didn' t get out at this breakfast. And I am delighted Lou is such a son of a that wouldn't let me up and now to the Catholics and then adios the priest had the rabbi over to his house the parish I know that much his parish for dinner and the housekeeper oh Jesus rosary brought out never get over that brought out this huge plate took the cover off there was a big ham and the rabbi said well father I guess you've forgotten I don't want to embarrass you but we don't orthodox people we don' t eat ham he said oh that's too bad father said never mind rosary baste a couple of eggs brought the eggs in they had a nice dinner and a nice visit then the rabi spent the night enjoyed it and he said now father I enjoyed this evening very much and I want you to come down to my house some night and bring your wife and the priest sort of hung his head scratched his head and he says well I guess that's one a piece I forgot about him and as you know priests don't marry rabbi says you don't well you better try it it's better than ham so no matter what we've been where we were or where we're going now this way of life is better than any way that there is and you and I laughed thank God for the laughter which in my opinion is the best way to explain humility if we can laugh at ourselves we've got a little bit of humility and I can use a little more anyway we laughed about the fact we're almost dead put your nuts in no damn good which is true right all right now to what little we have done with ourselves and what progress we've made think of this we have the privilege of becoming an apostle an apostle is a man or carries the message a woman that carries the message and with what we have done with our lives in AA we can put our hand up to God as we understand him and extend it out to a suffering alcoholic and through us passes the spirit of God as we can say come on if I can help you I will thank you Thank you.