He Coated His Stomach with Olive Oil and Stick Butter – Charlie P.

Charlie P. from Roanoke. Thank you, Robert. As most all of you alcoholics know here, I don't know what I'm going to say, but If you've got your seatbelts buckled, we'll go with it for a little while. My name's Charlie Painter and I'm an alcoholic. And I've been saying that for a number of years and I don't know yet exactly what it means, but all the things that go with being an alcoholic, since it's just the way I'm going to keep on saying it, And trust it someday that I'll know more about it. It is a real honor and a pleasure for me to be here, and I don't know yet why I'm here, but I know there's some purpose for it. I came in here, things are going as usual for me today. I came in here and got lost down there in the basement, and one of the good ladies picked me up and showed me the daylight. People have been doing that for a number of years for me. But we'll start out from the time that General Douglas MacArthur and myself secured the peace for the people of the United States and the Far East. And I returned to the homeland and back to my childhood sweetheart. And she was waiting there for me because I told her when I left to stay here and I'll be back here, and we'll get married and go together, and so she was. I had already found out about what you could do about this loneliness and these other things. And I'd found out that since I was already a great guy and could do a lot of things, full of talents and full of wisdom, that what a drink of kicky-poop juice or something like that would do for me and how much more it would make me so. and I came back to the United States and I remember getting off that bus up there in that small town and I was just so full of myself that my head was just up in the air and I looked around and I thought I would see people glowing, you know, here you are back here. Here you are, our hero. And I didn't hear anything about that but I just counted it because I thought that after a while maybe they'll have a parade for me or something. And I went smoking cigarettes and going out to these nightclubs and courting and being sociable. And I'll declare, I didn't know I was being sociabler until here in the last few years I found out about what it was. But we went on there and got married, and I'd been used to drinking and drinking gin, and I think I was on gin at this time. And so my wife said to me, I wish you wouldn't take anything to drink during the ceremonies. Well, that sort of struck me because you know how we are I wanted to give her some sarcasm But since we were going to get married and things were new I figured I could go through the ceremonies without a drink That is if I had enough for me after and I could think about it And we were married in a Methodist church, and I think in the Methodist Church, or they did at this ceremony, they said the Lord's Prayer. They prayed the Lord'S Prayer there. And I thought I was going to pass on out there when he said kneel down because my knees were locked anyhow being here and all these people sitting around, and I didn't have anything to brace me. So just like a horse, I locked my knees in order that I didn' t. And when he said to Neil, I felt like a cow looks when they're about to fall out of the back end of a truck. And if I knew anything about praying, I'm sure I was praying for this thing to be over. We went on out and we didn't live happily ever after because of the different turns that our lives took. And I took a position there in one of the local industries. As I look back at it now, I thought most of them were smart alecks for the way they were acting, some foremans walking around, you know. and I worked on there, and I hated it. And I didn't know why I hated it because, but I reckon though I wanted to be out yonder somewhere else in the morning about 11 o'clock. So we planned a happy life, and we had two lovely little children, little girls, and I thought how proud I am, you know, waiting for the next one to be a boy. So we went on and lived there for a while, and my drinking, and I've heard you all tell me about this, how it progresses, and I can remember and look back and see from month to month how much more gin it would take and how muchmore I would hide it. And I can look back and I can see all the little things that took place. And then there came a time that she began to caution me about it. Oh, for instance, one time I was to be a master of ceremonies of some kind of a little banquet out there. And just to take some precautions I'd begin to drink pretty heavy at the time. and I took me a little olive oil and coated my stomach with it. It worked real well, walking around drinking with all the friends. And then soon after we did such a good job where we went back for another and there wasn't any olive oil in the house so I figured if stick butter would do just as well since it was greasy. So I ate a half a stick and started to pour it in and somewhere the bottom fell out of it because it got real drunk and real messy and puked in the gravy right there. Messed up everything. So after the smoke had settled of this experience, she began to give me a few things about what I ought to do. She went to talking to me regularly then. And as I drank, I felt a feeling of, oh, well, let's just say I didn't want to work. I found out since I came into AA, the name of it was, is I've become unemployable. and during those times when I didn't have anything to drink or couldn't get anything to drank I'd be sick my blood would be low I would be dizzy and as I would stoop over to pick up something that some of the children dropped I would raise up my head and say oh how dizzy I am and I noticed then there wasn't too much pity for my dizziness. As I look back now, I see myself crowding myself into a corner. You know how we say things when we're trying to be in defense of ourselves. And it just got so. It was comfortable to me not to work because all the people around, Sister Brown and all the ladies of the community had begun to whisper. I thought that this painter boy, he's going the wrong way. So these things that I was hearing from a family, and I had a large family, and they had the gatherings, you know, and see what we're going to do about the youngest boy. And every now and then one of them in a moment of angry would tell me what this lady said, oh, what's the town saying about you? And I never left that right there. I took it on to bed with me. You know, lay there until three or four o'clock in the morning and figure out just what kind of noose, as it was, I could put around her neck and how I could get by with it. And I can look back now and see how I hated and howI was treating those brothers there in the town, how I was killing them in my heart. And after a while, when my wife was working there taking care of things, I was doing things that were written out I don't know whether I should go into some of them here But there were enough to get me in jail And this was so embarrassing The first time I made the town jail Here are some of these people Used to be friends of mine Turning the key on me And felt so bad about it and I remember the first day there, I hoped it would be dark when they let me out so I could go on down the alley and walk up and cut another way and go home. And these things began to get closer together, and the first thing you know, I feel like I was spending more of my time in jail than I was anyplace else. And how good it is for me to tell you all about this because I wasn't able to talk it over with the friends on the street there about me being in jail. And as I see it, I continue to get sicker. And it's so good to look back and study it. And the day came when, oh, I'd prayed for breaks, you know, prayed for all of these things, I prayed not to go out here to the club and get drunk and fall under the booth. I prayed to not take too much drunk and make a scene so that attention would be drawn to me. I prayed that I might be mayor or whatever it would be that would put me in a position that people would look up to me, and not a thing happened. Not a thing happening. And one day I was drunk on Pagok up in a swimming pool. I was in my brother's automobile. Well, at this time, my driver's permit had expired. And the flash came on the radio that the war had broken out over there in Korea. and I walked around and took me another drink of that Pyre Gar and listened to it because I knew I knew that my chance for glory was here again because I was in the reserves never could figure out why I was in the reserves I must have had in the back of my mind I guess but it wasn't long then until they called me and you know the letters they send you white, white letters I was downtown showing everyone this letter looky here, looky there I'm going back I didn't say it in these terms but I felt like I'm coming back to defend you again you devils have been talking about me and putting me in jail and so I tried to be a good boy and I didnít drink anything there for a while and then one month all this enthusiasm hit me and I thought well itís not long now till I go and I've got a dollar or two here. I don't remember where it came from because I didn't have anything steady coming in at that time. And I went downtown and she wanted something and I went down there and I got a bottle of this Virginia Gentleman and took it back up there to have. Now, these people from Morono Valley, I truly wish that I'd requested a two-way radio that might have hooked it up to some of them because if I make any mistakes up here, I could have just picked it up from them. They know these things so well. I love you for your tolerance and for being here, particularly those people from the valley. And I brought this Virginia gentleman back and put it in the basement and took a little taste of it and went upstairs and told her now, I'm going to do some little odd jobs around here while I've got a little time before I go. And I grabbed a screwdriver and a hammer and run up in the attic and started working on something that didn't need fixing up there. Came back down a few minutes down to the basement to get another tool and took another drink. pass on back up swiftly and pass by her and say something kind, not get close to her, go on back to work. On the third time down, I took a right good-sized taste and never had anything happen to me like this before in my life. It was just a round spew came out of the mountain and hit over there against the wall. And I thought this was funny. I don't usually lose any. I stood there a few minutes and kind of caught my breath. I went on back upstairs and went to work. And I didn't know it for a long time, but she knew what was going on. She already knew what wasn't going on! And I went back down then after a while. I discounted anything being wrong with the booze because at that time I'd taken in some pretty raw stuff. And I got this other drink, and friends... With a loud noise, I began to roar. And I thought it was best that I get outside because from the way it was starting out, I didn't know how it was going to end. And I got outside and by the time I got outside I felt the need to take some exercise or to move around And I started moving around around the house And on about the second turn I felt something break loose in here And there for a good while we had something going both ways and I couldn't quit running. There was a picture window in the back and she was standing there and I could not look at her too well but I knew she was aware of what was going on and when I passed she was trying to get me in and I says do something for me now get somebody because it's going to be late for long and she got somebody and they were trying to get my name and he says come in here and they give me a shot or something and I didn't know for a good while Now this is the first time in my life that I've gotten in such a shape in such as short time. Usually I could depend on a week at the most or at the least. I expected my nerves to settle, but they didn't settle. And I only had a few days until I was supposed to report to the army camp. And then Thursday of that next week came and I had to go to the Army camp. And I got down there and they took my pulse and they looked at me and said, What's the matter with you? 134 and I hadn't had a drink for a week. and they gave me a goofball or two and it didn't faze me and they sent me back home to rest up but I told them what it was I said I got to drinking a little bit and it went hard with me this time and I went back home and I worked on that I went to the doctor and I said you've got to give me something for my nerves and you've gotta give me plenty of it and you gotta get me straightened out because I don't want to get turned down. And he did a big yellow bottle full of yellow liquid. And I could drink that and get along pretty good and I went back to the army and I was gooped. I was loaded on this yellow stuff and they just passed me right on by. Took me on in. And they sent me down to Richmond, Virginia and by the way I met one of my old former troopers here this evening. He's here. we didn't know too much about each other, and I thought he was drunk then, and I see you here tonight. I'll talk to you later about what you thought I was. Went down there, and they got me all lined up and put me out on the road as an investigator, some kind of criminal investigator, and I said, I thought, well, yeah, this is right, because after all, I've got all the equipment for it. And I couldn't control my drinking down there being in the army. I couldn'T stay sober at the times I was supposed to and stay drunk the times I wanted to to save my neck. And it was touch and go there. We had a fellow there that was the commanding officer and he told me that he'd been the executioner in the Philippines and I believed him because he had all the looks of it. And he talked to me right there in no uncertain terms on different occasions. But I remember one time, and this is one of the first experiences It had been right heavy on the bottle. And I knew I had to go in and report over there to get some kind of orders. And I was trying to just kind of get myself in shape where I could just look all right and just try to keep my mouth shut. But things began to get jerky, and the sun was shining, and I was walking down the street, and you know how your gizzard begins to pain you and your neck jerks to one side. You know what I'm talking about? Well, this is the way I was. I was right close to the place where I was staying, and I looked over, and here were three of the beautiful snakes crawling up along the wall. I remember the colors. They were a dark green and an orange, and well, they were the outstanding colors. I'm sure there was another. Maybe it was white. And I says, I'll kill them. And I reached down in the flower bed and I threw a brick. And it bounced off. And I was near the place I stayed and my landlady was on the porch and she was watching me. So I reached out and got another brick and I flew it again. And it bounceed off and the snakes were still crawling. So I took another, and I threw it real hard. And it missed and bounced out in the middle of the street. And she said, what are you doing? I said, I'm trying to kill those snakes right there. And she looked over, and she looked well. And she says, I don't see any snake. And I said uh-oh, I've heard about this before. And I had a summer room in the basement So I run to the basement To get in and out of this embarrassment And all this thing that's going to happen to me And I got down there And I was walking the floors And I found a little old restroom Right here in the corner And I walked in there And I turned And I looked around And there was a big brown bear Standing right there and I jumped back and screamed and then I focused my eyes and saw it was a rug rolled up and I said I'm saved again but I've got to see a doctor I rushed out and I had seen the doctor's shingle and I run to the place and got in there and I say give me something here and this is all and I couldn't tell him what I wanted it for I was in such a hurry to get it But he finally gave it to me, and well, I got in trouble there too. I was always getting in a little trouble, and it was such a struggle. And then they came along, and they knew that this boy's not doing us any good here. And one morning I passed through there, and he says, Well, we've got a trip for you. And I said, Where is it, home? and they said, yes, by way of career. Well, now all this ribbons that I had for being over there before, I just couldn't go back again, so I went and talked to the colonel and he helped me out. You know how we have a way of doing things. And he helped my life. He helped me get released out and I went back to take over again my duties in the community. And I'd run out of money before I got home, and I was hitchhiking, and it was cold. And I was at the point of death somewhere on the road. And some good stranger came by and talked to me and asked me where I was going. And I said, I'm trying to get home, but I think I'm going to freeze to death before I get there. And he was kind enough to take me home, but he didn't have anything but a basement. And I thought, well, this is all right. I've been used to the basement and I've done it in other places. And we got in there and we stayed and it was warm. And I'd had a little bit to drink enough to make me sleep for the night. But somewhere in the night the furnace blew up. And I walked out the next morning and I looked at myself and I didn't know who I was. Every bit of my skin that was uncovered Was a blue blackish So this is the way I went in home Went back to take over my duties in the community I've often wondered, and I think I've asked a time or two, just what my wife's feelings were when I walked in the door. It didn't go too well. Because I got back with some of my friends there and she'd made up her mind that we can't go this way. And she put it to me one evening there too because I was going over to the next town on a business trip and had a few drinks and taken one of the boys with me. And I went over there, and I did. I went through that. And he decided that he could drink longer and more if he had what I had. So I woke up and evidently he had what I said. He had what he had but he wasn't there with me and so I was in a pinch again and I remembered. I remembered that I had a rich cousin or they said she was over there in that community right much older than I was and I said well I thought I'd go see Cousin Mary and I went up to see Cousins Mary and oh she was so glad to see me and it was long about dinner time long about six as long as I can remember she had just a little taste at six o'clock and I knew if I didn't get anything else I might get that so she asked me if I wanted a taste and I said well, I'd like to have a drink, a man's drink. And she went over and fixed it. And while she went to the kitchen after a glass, I took my man's drank out of the bottle, came back and then took the drink that I told her about when she got back. She'd heard some rumblings about me. She said, don't you take too much now because I understand you can't handle it too well. Of course, I told him who you've been listening to. And I was out of money, and I remembered that she kept writing much petty cash in a drawer there in the desk. And while she'd gone out to fix me some dinner, I went over and just took a whole handful of it. Didn't count it, didn't count at all. Come back, she says, son, how are you going to get home tonight? I said, I don't know. I'll put you on the train. Gave me ten dollars. and called a cab for me, and I went back to the hotel. Counted my money, and I had $295 with the 10 she gave me. So we lived again there for a while. And I struggled back in home, back to take over my duties again. And she said, don't you come here. Says it's over. You go on away now and find yourself, and if in two or three years you can, why come back and we'll see what we can do. And I was so shocked because I didn't think of all this talking she'd been doing. She meant it. But she meant it that I couldn't get back in the back door or the side door. I just couldn't get back in. It was over. Here I am in this little town where everybody knows everything else and I said, well, it's all over town. Didn't have anywhere else to go so I went back to my mother's And in between drunks, I'd try to work on straightening this woman out and getting things back together so that people would think that everything's all right. I don't guess I was too much in love with her at the time as I see it now because I had so many other things on my mind. But I wanted the union to be back because of what the friends would say. and I struggled and struggled and I was trying to stay sober and I went to the doctor and said can you give me something that will help me to stay sober yes and he gave me some of these ten milligram amphetamine they call them bennies and they were made for me Start out on just a few and then build up, add up as you need them. And I could talk and stop in the different shops and talk to the people. Of course, the pupils of my eyes were blue and small. But some of them felt like I was doing well because I wasn't in jail and wasn't falling around. and I remember one fellow told me he said you've been sober for quite some time now and I was seeing three of them and he told me that he admired my intestinal fortitude and whatever that was it sounded pretty good and I said Well, we'll go with that. I didn't tell him that, but I felt that. Yes, that's right, I'm doing well. Had this thing just exactly the way I wanted it. Go to bed at night and take, oh, about a grain of phenobarbital and lay down and sleep all night just like a baby. But after I got up the dosage up to 35 a day, I began to worry about my heart. Now, during this time, the way this medicine had affected my brain, I felt like I was thinking better. And I looked down at a Bible and I says, I need to know what's in here. I had a few dollars from somewhere. So I went down and bought me a Bible and it paid $3.49 for it. and it's a good Bible. I still use this Bible and I took it back to the house and took me another tablet or two and I started out there on the book of John and I read through the book of John in just no time and it told a story to me. I didn't know what it was but it told me something and I was staying at an old friend of the family's home there I'd gotten too much for the family and she, the dear old lady, loved me and particularly when I was dry and was able to come into my room without tearing up the furniture. And I went downstairs and started telling her about the book of John and she sat there and shook her head. I know that. That's right. And I thought, well, I'm going to teach her something here. And I got all enthused about this and then it occurred to me to maybe if I go down here to the church and set up operations that people will see me. And I did. I went down there. I got this suit on and went down here on Sunday morning and slipped in and sit right back here and listened there and looked around and I see who was in there. You'd never believe all the people that was in now on Sunday. And I thought, what in the world are you doing in here? You were drunk last night because I saw you through the window sitting there drinking a beer. But I said, it don't matter, you can stay here. I've got some business to tend to here. And I went on and the preacher says, come on down to Wednesday night's prayer meeting. And I said well, maybe this will help me. And I got down there and these elderly ladies there and I figured they'd call on me to pray and I'd been looking through the books and found some of these ready-made prayers that the preachers put in there from time to time memorized them and they called on me one night and I gave them one and this lady told me says oh says you can do so much for your Lord and I didn't know I thought maybe she was talking about the preacher or somebody I didn' t know who she was telling about the Lord now I had been to Sunday school and to church and I had ben taught these things but I missed the values that were directed toward me. So we went on with it and I thought that it was time for revival time there. And I figured by that time that I was established well enough in the church that in the Baptist church they call on a layman to give the prayer, one of the prayers that night and I figured out what my night was. And I was working then, working and taking goofballs I don't know whether I was selling shoe polish or what it was, but I was doing something. I put in a hard day and came in and got dressed and went down and got ready for my part in the play and sure enough he called on Brother Painter and her aunt was sitting three rows from me ready made for me. She'll go back and tell her how well I'm doing and everything will be all right. And I gave him this prayer that I had in the book there and had such good reception. So I went on back to the house to wait. And I waited three or four days, and I never got any phone calls, never heard anything. And I decided I had to go to Richmond on business. And I went on business, I didn't know what it was before I left, but at the end of the day I was writing much business. Got down there and ran into some of my old friends that I had while in the army there and I had a few dollars and I went to sleep on him at night there and he left and I woke up and I didn't have anything to drink or anything else there and I was asleep and I went over and I got to thinking I'm tired of being kicked around here by everybody all these people these thieves and all these people. And I got to thinking about there's this Richmond, this governor down here running the show. I think I ought to go down there and see just what he is doing and let him know that I am somebody. Saved 15 cents to ride the bus down. Got down there and I had a clean suit and a tie over there and put that on and walked in there and give a kick to the right and a kick for the left and tried to do all of that you know to act dignified I didn't ask them if I could see the governor. And they wanted to know who I was. And long about that time, I had some things for who I were. I was able to give it to them right away and the lady took it and she went to the executive officer there and oh, they were just doing something. They were real busy around there running in and out of these different rooms. and this executive assistant came over and says, is your business urgent? And yes, yes. And I don't remember the words but I'm sure that they were effective or I know because I got in. He left the railroad conference there and come in and talked to me. And I told him what we thought of him up in the other end of the state of his administration and how well he's doing things. And just as I got ready to go, I wanted to see if I could get a little something from him, so I touched him. Now, it wasn't because I needed anything. I assured him of that. I'd gotten in a little trouble that I didn't want the family to know about back home. Oh, I understand, son. And he told his secretary, give this boy a check. And I felt that chill of importance flow down my legs from my spine and I turned on my heels and I walked over for the check and she asked me how much it was. And long about there, I felt myself slipping. I said, 50. And while she's writing that check, I began to think, you know, I made a mistake here. And I got confused and I said, where can I get this check cashed? And she looked at me and said, anybody that cashes the governor's check, they all know him around here. And I thought, I'd better get out of here now. I'm losing ground. And I went on out of there and I wished it had been 500. But I practice in what we practice now. It's too late. It's over the dam, so we'll go with this 50. And I got on back home, and all the politicians had gotten a message. And I go to my room and put a sign on the door, please do not disturb me. My mother came up there and broke the door down some way or other. Got me out there, now we're going to get this back, and we had to get that money back. And I've got one of the nicest letters up there from the governor of Virginia thanking me. Made me feel good. when I read it I felt like I was doing something for the state experience after experience sickness after sickness and I remember one Sunday morning and Sunday morning to me was was that day that I never had a drink many times on Saturday night and I've had plenty but never on Sunday morning it was always a day of work a day or two a day for travel a day getting out and hitting the sidewalks and I went uptown and the streets were bare and after a while down on the corner I saw a stranger and I Went Down to Talk To Him And he was dressed well, and it seemed like he had some memes about him. I sure would like to have a drink this morning, he said. And I knew my day had begun, because I could take that suit off of him and trade it for a drink. so I direct him to one of the finer bootleggers there and we got two fits and we had some drinks and it was a lovely day and he got to talking about swimming and of course I knew where the swimming hole was with all this liquor I can afford to swim and take that exercise and if I get him out on the creek bank I'll be assured of getting half of this anyhow so we got a taxi cab and we went out on the riverbank and then we walked on down and there's trees around it's a lovely place to swim and we drank and we talked and we swam we didn't take any bathing suits and I was getting pretty woozy and came back up mouth said, I think I'll take a little snooze. And I took a drink and laid down and went to sleep. And somewhere as the shadows began to fall, I awakened and I didn't see my friend and I Didn't see anything to drink and I Didn't see any clothes. Seven or eight miles outside of town. I wouldn't allow myself to believe that he'd gone away and left me for a moment or two. But as I hollered, and I had forgotten his name, or I don't know whether I had known his name. And I'd just say, hey. And after a few hey's, I didn't hear anything. And I come to believe that I was out there alone without any robe. Finally, I remembered that up the creek was an old-timer and maybe he could help me. And I went moving through the bushes. up a creek, and I drew near to his home and I felt like I am so exposed I need something and I reached down and I got a huge dock leaf. And I got behind a big tree and I hollered out. After a while he heard me and he came out. And I was peeping around behind the tree and I didn't know it until some years later what I said to him I knew that he was convulsive here just laughing and rolling and I found out some years later that the first thing I said to him was have you got a drink It never occurred to me that I needed some trousers. He helped me, and he gave me some trousers and some tennis shoes and gave me a drink of wine. He helped get back in to take over my duties again. from bad to worse, into the jails, into the places of correction, into the mental institutions. And finally, I remember one Sunday morning, these Sunday mornings, they allowed me to leave jail and my t-shirt was too small and the worn out tennis shoes didn't look too well I didn't feel like it I could talk to anyone here anymore enough I moved on away just out onto the road into another the town. And here I met a man of God. And if I'd met one before, I didn't know anything about him. But he was good to me. He was a preacher. He acted like he understood what was going on inside of me. And I didn' t allow him to know that I didn''t believe he did, because he was being good to me and he was treating me like a human. Of course I reverted back to amphetamine and phenobar, and I stayed sober there like this for six months. And one day all the burdens and cares that I had just weighted me down. Felt like with all this work I'm doing here. I need to get out and get some recreation. And I fired up and went to a dance. And of course, when you go to a dance, if you're like I was, you had to have something to make you dance. We got into it all over again and he missed me. He couldn't find me. And finally, after several days, he came to my room. And I felt like I was about ready to give it up. You know, die. And I was so afraid of dying. It never occurred to me to do anything like cut my wrist or anything. Now, I've got friends that have been through this. And I allow them to do it. But I never went for that. I was too afraid. And he came in there and I didn't know I had a necktie on. It amuses me sometimes when I think about it what I was doing with a neck tie on. But I was and I was laying back and it was choking me to death and I thought it was my hangover that was killing me and I think it was mostly. And he looked at me and he said I was blue. He said after he took my tie loose I got alright. he says what can I do for you get me a drink I won't do that he says have you heard about this AA thing no would you like to hear about it if you get me a drink alright I'll get you a doctor so he got me a doctor and brought this person to see me. And even with what the doctor had given me, I didn't know about this person. The things he was telling me, I figured I was in better shape there, you know, about half dead than he was trying to instruct me. But anyhow, this is the way that it started by this I I was directed I was drawn to my first meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous and there a few people were here and they saw me holding on to the table that I might keep the chair on the floor and I liked what they were talking about telling things that I'd never heard in the ballroom because the things that we talked about there you know about how it is and while we're on the subject of the ballroom I have a little something for you that used to please me used to elevate me and think that I was a little something more and it was always a toast with the beer glass you know and all my friends they liked it and they'd ask for it and here it is, and I'd like to toast you with it. Here's to the first lady of this grand and glorious world of ours dressed in fig leaves in a garden of flowers. And I would just hum when I get to the flowers. And when Adam saw her coming, he turned his head to the wall because he knew that there would be something doing when the leaves began to fall. It was this sort of thing in the ballroom and they were talking about how devilish they were, how much they'd been stealing and all this mess. I was so frightened when I heard all this. What are you doing? and you're embarrassing me to death. The first time I heard it. But what they were telling was what I'd been through with all these years. And I was so uncomfortable, how are we going to get away with this? Here I'm in here, people talking like this, they'll be classifying me right with them. Stand up with a bonus and say I'm an alcoholic. No. Nobody ever called me an alcoholic or a drunk and got by safe with it. And then he'd come up and shake hands with me and tell me, Red Sea. And the spirit of it just descended on me, although I was very sick. But I liked it. They were telling me things that I could know that were the truth because it happened to me and I thought no one in the world had been through this. And here it is. And I'd do all these things, you know And try to do what they're saying Staring around and look daggers through people My hands in my pocket resenting them Going through all of the preliminaries Fooled around and stayed dry for two or three days And up and got drunk Hurt my feelings Thought I'd look at all the ground I've lost I'd have to start all over again and I remember one time in my good friends here I was staying in the YMCA and of course I went in and had an attack on my affliction over there him. And if you're anything like I was, you'd get down while you didn't move too far from your bed. And things got bad. I got run out of that. I didn't know anything about it. I wound up in jail or someplace. But after it was over, this friend of mine came to me and told me about, said, you messed up the place over there. This man's right angry about it. And I thought that old devil ought not to be angry at me as long as I stayed there and paid money, you know, and resented him even telling me about it." He said, Now I want you to go over there and make amends to this man. Tell him that you're sorry about it, and he told me what I did, and I didn't do that. I might have done part of but I didn't do all he said I did. I didn' t feel like making amends for something I didn''t do but with his influence he told me this would help me and this would make me strong and I went over. I felt like a bull going to the slaughter going in that door and I think he stood outside and looked through the window and I told this fellow I understand I messed up your room while I was standing there and I want to tell you I'm sorry. and he turned around you're right you messed up my room you son of a and it was a bell on the desk and I wanted to take it and cook it right over his mouth but this fellow told me sir just apologize and come on out and I said better do that and I came on out and he says it takes courage to do that and I thought man I don't know whether I'm hearing you right he said you'll be bigger for this and I saw how can I You see, I hadn't understood anything. But it did help me. And then I stayed sober for about nine months. Reading the steps and speaking at these different places. Until along in the spring, I had learned so much and I was so full that some of these people with ten years of sobriety walk around and I wonder why he's acting so smart. Why don't he just come on up and ask me what he wants to know? And it was near Memorial Day and it occurred to me that I had to go out of town on business. and I went to Washington I had to go to the Pentagon and I flew out I took a late flight out I think the person who's here tonight is a boy I demand to go up with got up there and waited till morning and went over to the pentagon and told the lady there that I wanted to see this major general who are you and what do you want with him You just tell him who I am, he'll see me. And sure enough, he did see me and I went in there and put my feet up on his desk. He says, can you cut that hard liquor like you used to and right there is where I lost my grip. All this sobriety and all this knowledge and I said, no, no I can't cut it quite as hard as I used to. He said, let's go down to the lounge and have one and here I go, falling behind him. And we had two. And I knew he couldn't waste the government's time by spending all day in the lounge, and it would take me a time to get back over to the bar, so we'd better go now. He said, where are you going? You just got here. I said, oh, well, I've got to go on and make some visits around here. And I got away from there, and he wanted to drive me. I didn't want to take time to have a government driver take up any of my time to go back to that bar. The one I had seen out of the corner of my eye going over when I wasn't going to take a drink. So he sent two high-ranking line officers with me to stand at the bus while I got on the bus. And I said, I am important. And I went back over there and I got the drink and it landed on my head. And two or three days later, I remember I had a shirt and a pair of socks walking on some street somewhere and I said, this is so heavy. And I walked in the alley and laid it on a barrel because I didn't have the strength to carry it. By the grace of God, I got back to Roanoke and I got to thinking. Some of these people that hadn't had a drink for a while, they've been saying some things and I better go back and talk to them about it and see what they're doing. what is this one day at a time business they've been talking about and all these things and I began to want to be sober I began to look at the twelve steps looking to the big book and Emmett Fox's Sermon on the Mount and things began to get better and the good people around me. That would encourage me. No matter what the problem was, they always had some kind of encouraging, I'd say. Day by day, going back, letting go of all this wisdom and praying in the morning, praying in the evening. Well, yes, I even started praying at supper time being thankful for something to eat. As time and meeting went on, things began to get better for me. And I was impressed when they'd tell me, Now, don't resent this one. Pray for him and love him. This is hard. And I tried. And a good feeling would come. And as I would practice, I'd be able to look at those people that I thought were such smart alecks and so just real bad. Allow them to be this way. You know, because God made you like He made me. And you can be this way and I'm going to pray for you right now and love you. And it's helped. What a revelation then to see the freedom that came. And I learned not to make a list anymore of, oh, this car of an automobile and this job out here running this big plant out here and these other things. I found out it was more important to use, out of our principles, out of Our Literature, the prayer. Show me what you want me to do today and give me the power to do it. And then there wasn't so much words to it either. and I found out it just sort of left the business of getting my life straightened out to him and I'd stand a better chance than if I injected all this list of things to him that he might not use anyhow. Now tonight I'm grateful for being sober, grateful for the opportunity to be in a fellowship of people where I can express myself and where I can partake of the medicine that's so important to Charlie Plainer the alcoholic and that's to tell you that I'm a sinner or to tell you that I mean and to tell you that I'm allowed or to tell you whatever it is I am and know that you understand and that you're not going out yonder and really say that drunken bum is a thief oh you might say it but you're gonna love me when I get in a pinch because you know you're in the same boat I'm in. For all of the many, many things that God did, I have come to know. And it's so important that he be personal to me. And I'd heard this sometime in my life before, but I didn't know what it meant. I thought that God belonged to the preacher. And he'd give you a little bit of it. You went and talked to him, cried a little bit. But I found out in the program of Alcoholics Anonymous that he made for me that I can seek with inside of me that thing that I need to undergird me. And I come to know it's a spirit. It's God as I understand it. Well now, He's yours too. But He's also mine too. So this permits me, when I'm lonely and when I am wrong, and when I'm even here before you or even in my room, help me now because I'm weak and And because I don't know it all, and I can't go, but you sustain me. I canít make it unless you help me. And I donít feel like Iím being sanctimonious when Iím getting real on it. Because my experience has taught me that if I go and ask, that the power is nearby. and I don't breathe and I could have found this in my Baptist church looking between the feathers and hating my brux so I came face to face with God in the program of Alcoholics Anonymous I go to church today and I enjoy it. I go to listen to the one that's there with the message that I believe is inspired and it's something for me. And I don't worry about who's going to pass the basket or whether they're going to ask me so I can do a little soft shoe up the aisle and let so-and-so see down here sober today. Doesn't bother me. And those old ladies that think that I can do so much. I'm glad to see them and have a different feeling. And I don't know, I don' t know why it happened to me. Some of my friends I know are dying now and they're not going to have the opportunity to be sober. But I think that they're dying now. Oh, maybe for me and you to see. So I really don't know how to express my gratitude. I really do not know how I ought to do anything, and what a comfortable feeling it is. How much different it is when I used to have to wake up in the morning and look out the window and see the sun shining. I'm going to have to get up out of this bed and carry all these burdens today. And today, by the grace of God, I can see the sunshine and then be glad it's there and look forward and say, what am I going to find out in you today and what's this challenge out there for me? It's so much that I can't comprehend. So possibly you can tell, maybe by my remarks, that out of my foolishness or maybe my enthusiasm to express myself, I'm simple. and if I've got anything to do with it I want to keep it that way because to be simple in this living I found out so much more easier than trying to figure out about what's going to happen after reincarnation for all of these things that I don't know about. And the good things that I know are to come to me and to all of my friends. I'm as grateful as I can be. Oh, to look out and see the flowers and call some of them by name the daffodil or the hollyhock or the violet and go over and look at the rich colors and stand there and not put on a fake about it really see the colors and enjoy and see the mountains and all the greenery and know jolly pain I didn't have anything to do with this to feel the surge of power and strength that comes through looking around and seeing that God is real and God is here but for his grace I would not be. I look forward to the radiation of the Spirit here in the next day or two and for the goodness it will bring to all of us. I anticipate talking with all of you and finding out seeing what else is new and just having the opportunity to love you. Let me express my thanksgiving to this fine committee that asked me here and made me so comfortable. You have pleased me. And let me say to you, my friend, a good night to you and may your God bless you well. Thank you, Charlie. thank you Blackstone and on behalf of the Blackstone retreat I'd like to give you this token of our appreciation for what you've done for us tonight those of you that will let's stand and pray together the Lord's Prayer Our Father, who art in heaven, hallowed be thy name. Thy kingdom come, thy will be done on earth as it is in heaven. Give us this day our daily bread and forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us. And lead us not into temptation but deliver us from evil. for thine is the kingdom and the power and the glory forever and ever Amen