Why the Evening Review Is the Key to the Future – Katie P.

And with that, I'd like to introduce to you Katie P. with steps 10 and 11. Thank you. Thank you, Leslie. Katie Parker, alcoholic. Oh my gosh, I am so excited to be here. And then when I heard 10, I thought, well, I've got 10 and 11 all prepared, but I can do me some 10 for a whole hour. Getting all of this in, Ralph knows. He's like, oh, I have put the fire hose on this one. OK, first of all, let me say, Ralph, I love you to death. I love I finally got to see Reginald, my brother. I love Ronnie. I really believe I should have been a part of the white family. I think my name could have been Ruby. I could have been the little sister that knocked the crap out of those boys. I have always had this fantasy of being one of the white kids, but it would have been it would have been Ruby. OK, so we I am so excited to be here. Let me tell you, Ralph, thanks. Thanks for putting this on. It's always an honor to be asked. But when it's my my posse that I run with and they ask me, I take that really very to heart. So I thank you. Love you to death. I'm burning minutes here. So I'm going to get through the beginning. My name is Katie Parker. I am alcoholic. Been sober since October the 28th of 1984. That puts me at 35 flipping years sober, which I absolutely cannot believe. And I came into the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous when I was 26 years old. I had a five year old. I know pitiful, incomprehensible demoralization. I was raised with values. I was stepping so far outside of my values, dragging that little girl in places she had no business being. I love my daughter. We love our children. And but I got to tell you, she was an anchor and it was a real problem to try to get into the throes of your alcoholism with a child and being a. Single parent. I, as I said, I know pitiful, incomprehensible demoralization. I like to qualify myself very simply. When I start, I can't stop and I can't stop starting. That's what makes me alcoholic. I thought my problems were my outside issues. Don't touch my booze. That's never been a problem. And come to find out, I was completely mixed up on this. There were so many things I was mixed up about in alcoholics. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I was. I think sometimes we take for granted that the new guy is. And I say guy because I'm not going to get politically correct. You know who I'm talking about. He, she, whatever. But I think the new guy comes in and we nod our head. Yeah, yeah. I got it. I got it. And we don't have it. I don't even know what I just heard. But I hear it and then I make it fact. And that's how I go through life. My home group is the primary purpose group in Austin, Texas. We meet on Tuesday nights at 730 Central Standard. time. The physical address is 2701 South Lamar. We'd love for you to come physically visit with us or come to our Zoom. On my name in my box on this Zoom meeting, I put my email address and the Zoom number to my home group. We don't use a password, so that'll get you in. We study the book line by line, week after week. And I got to tell you something, it's way more fun than it sounds. Something we do different at that meeting that we don't do at other mainly big book home groups is we study the book based on what the text says. So we're not looking for your experience, not that there's anything wrong with your experience, but at this meeting, we are dissecting the book based on what the text is telling us. So where are we connecting the dots? Why are they saying that? Why are they saying it here? I mean, if the doctor's opinion is 164 pages are for us to understand, then we're going to be able to understand the text. So we're going to be able to understand the text. So we're going to be able to understand the text. So we're going to be able to understand what is alcoholism and how to treat it. Well, then I want to know that textbook forward and backwards. And so it's such an awesome meeting. We've been meeting for 14 years. We have 250 people studying the book week after week. And at our Zoom meeting, we had 464 people. So come, you know, poke your head in there. We're in the fear inventory right now. It takes us about two years to go through the book. I find it fascinating. As most of you guys know, my husband is Charlie Parker. But the more important thing is I have five children. So I'm going to be able to I know. Go ahead. Take a moment there. And the one thing with Charlie is, you know what? We are like the yin and the yang. There's no yin and yang in us. One of the things that I always tell Charlie when he's having a hard time is, honey, hang in there about five and a half months. It'll make more sense. I just make myself laugh. I got beautiful grandkids. I have four beautiful grandkids. Oh, my gosh. I'm just I think they're God's do over. I heard the other gentlemen say that. And I think it's not a good Oh, my gosh. I'm just. I think they're God's do over. I heard the other gentlemen. Terry say that. They asked me to change my boyfriend's life and talk to me. Absolutely are God's do-over. But there's just so many awesome things about grandkids. But I got to tell you, you know, my oldest daughter, the one that was five when I got sober, she's 41. And my son is 31. My son's never seen me drink. But let me tell you something. He's seen me stark rave and sober. I get it when people say, well, you know, my kids have never seen me drink. Oh, do not believe they haven't seen me crazy or deeply depressed. You see, we tend to put a lot on that we're working a program based on the abstinence of alcohol. I did that for many, many years. I think it's a part of the process, if you want to know the truth. I realize today the solution to alcoholism is not sobriety. It's a spiritual awakening, a God consciousness. And when Ralph said, would you like to do 10 and 11, I'm like, yes, I'd love to do 10 and 11. I woke up to 10 and 11, to be honest, about 6. Don't you love it when an alcoholic says that? You know, do you want me to be honest? I'm not going to lie. You know, we lead with those. But the truth of the matter is, is that I really started doing these disciplines about six to eight years ago. I had no idea that I wasn't doing them. So this is all my experience. My husband likes to say I'm like taking a drink out of a fire hose. You get a little bit more than you were asking for. And let me tell you something. That's true. OK. OK. And for any of you guys that were born in the 50s or 60s, you'll know this term. Charlie goes down, flicker down. I'm like, because when I get revved up, man, I am ready to rock and roll. I also like to say I am merely the vessel to help you get connected to the power. I am not the power. I don't ever want to pretend like I'm the power. I don't know what house you should buy, what job you should take. My job is to help you get unblocked so you can hear the undeniable voice of God. Our book promises. We are our lives will be placed on a higher level. Right. This virtual success is such a gift. Didn't even know it was possible. Now, let me tell you something else. The big book of Alcoholics Anonymous was named by the Library of Congress as one of the 88 books that shapes America. If you've never heard that, that should give you goosebumps. I'm telling you, remarkable. And when I came into my first three years, I was about doing it all the heavy lifting. I did four through nine. I was making my amends. Of course, I quit about halfway through because I was amazed before I was halfway through. But the truth of the matter was, is I loved the fellowship. I was all about staying sober, never really touched 10 and 11 much at all. And so my big book sat on the shelf for about 15 years. I said that at a conference one time about twenty five hundred people. There was a collective gloom. And I go, oh, like your book hadn't sat on that shelf. Come on. It's the nature. It's the nature. It's the nature of alcohol. It's the nature of recovery. Right. We typically don't grow until the pain is bad enough. Right. Pain is the touchstone of growth. So here I go. And I know, Ralph, I got fifty five minutes is what Charlie told me. You'll give me some codes. I got my timer going. So you really don't need to do that. But if you guys want to do that. OK, so here we have page 77. There's three places in the book that make a very strong definition about what our purpose is. Page 77. Our real purpose is to fit ourselves to be of maximum service to God and the people about us. Right. That's that's what our real purpose is. And it means to adapt. Our primary purpose is to carry the message to the alcoholic. And the main purpose of our book is to teach you the right to show other alcoholics precisely how we have recovered is the main purpose of the book. And here's something I'll offer for your consideration. You know, sometimes we come in and we say things like this. Well, that's not what my sponsor did with me. Well, I'm going to I'm going to sponsor like my sponsor sponsored me. I caution you on that. You know, if they were going along with what the book says, OK, rock on. But let me tell you, the girl that helped me, we were all over the place and I did stay sober. I'm not discounting that. But I also love the fellowship of alcoholics. Numbers that didn't keep me sober. That. That bought me time in AA because I'm telling you, at about 15 years sober, you almost lost me. You lost my husband. He ended up going back out after 23 years of sobriety and he died of a heroin overdose and you almost lost me. And so I get very passionate about the clear cut directions in the book. Dr. Bob said the directions are clear cut, but everybody has a different experience. But if your experience doesn't follow the guides of the book, then I caution. You doesn't say take a year to go through the steps. It doesn't say don't start the steps for six months. As a matter of fact, there's no one in our book that says chill. And and the test step is it's a deeply misunderstood step for the longest time. I thought it was the evening review and I wasn't doing it anyway. So the 10th step is a spot check inventory. But if you take the step off the wall, it looks like damage control. So the step off the wall says continue. It's continued to take personal inventory. And when we were wrong, promptly admitted. So it looks like only if I step on your toes. Well, here's what I didn't understand. I'm going through life completely asleep, dreaming that I'm awake. And then when I step on your toes, you're so startled and so upset that it actually wakes me up out of this sleep. And now I know, well, I got trouble. I've got trouble on my hands. And so, of course, I've got to deal with it. But then I go back to sleepwalking, dreaming that I'm awake. See, I'm going to get angry or afraid. I don't have the freedom to stay angry or afraid. And the book implies troubles. My God, there's good promises, bad promises, call them warnings, whatever you want. But on page 25, it says, plot out the intolerable situation the best we can or accept spiritual help. Then it says on page 53, a self-imposed crisis. We could not postpone or evade either God's everything or he's nothing. And page 133, the deliberate. Manufacture of misery. God didn't do it. But when trouble comes, cheerfully capitalize on it so he can show his omnipotence. There's always the this is terrible, accept spiritual help. But lack of power was our dilemma. The word dilemma basically means they both suck. So if all of a sudden I need 200 bucks by tomorrow, the thought of praying about that is not my first thought. I go into self-reliance. I'm figuring out what I can pawn, who I can call. I could bomb money from. You see, that's the nature of it. And so that's why when you tell me when I come into AA to sit down this self-reliant tool and it's the only tool I have and it works pretty doggone well, I'm just not going to do it. Now, today's a different story. My gosh. And I like to say long term sobriety is very seductive. I caution you on that. For some reason, we think we have arrived. And once we get to a certain place, we don't have to do that anymore. Oh, boy. That's very dangerous. Very, very dangerous. Well, it says the spiritual life is not a theory. We have to live it right. Theory means speculation. I love in the 10 step where it says we've entered the world of the spirit. Now, Mark Houston was huge on 10 and 11. He was the guy who woke me up. I remember the very first couple of times when we were talking and he would get so passionate. He'd go, you know, I, I, I die at night and I am reborn in the morning. You know, I get it. I get to drink water. And I'm thinking to. Take. A. Chill pill. Not to be quite this excited about everything. And today I so get it. So when it said we've entered the world of the spirit, you know, how do you know what you don't know today? What I thought is a relationship with God. Well, I think I've got one. I mean, I've heard the voice of God from drunk and sober. It's something still and quiet like this. Don't do that. Stop. Stop. I've heard that voice. Call it good conscience. Call it. Whatever you want to call it. But what I understand today that I've entered the world of the spirit. It is this constant conversation with my creator, right? That all of a sudden I used to love to gossip. Oh, my God. I like being a part of gossip. I like starting gossip. I like stepping into gossip. Anything that had to do with gossip. I loved it. Well, it no longer feels good. So I believe I'm entering into this world of the spirit line no longer feels good. And everything just kind of drifts into this completely different person than I am based on these disciplines of 10 and 11. If you're feeling flat, really buckle your seatbelt. Don't let the ego pull you out of this talk. It says now here's the clear directions in 10. Our next function, which means expected duty. The function of this cup is to hold my coffee, which is decaf and is to grow in understanding and effectiveness. Right? Understanding and effectiveness means that I carry a message that I don't have to pop you in the nose. I don't have to grab the book and go, it's in the book. I don't have to be yelling at you. I don't have to say ask if you did something I suggested you do and you don't do it. I hang up on you. Never liked any of that approach. Sure. I hear people. They say that their sponsor does that. I'm not a fan of that. I'm going to grow in understanding and effectiveness. When a sponsor calls me and I give her some suggestions of how to look. I'm going to look at this and I clearly know she's not going to take them. I tell her, you know what? I can't rob you of your experience, be it good or bad, but I'm here for you when you come back. And I said, oh, and let's earmark this conversation. Okay. Because we're coming back to it. It says that we are to watch for selfishness, dishonesty, resentment and fear. So think about that. That's four things we're watching for. And this is going throughout the day. Then it tells me to do four things. We ask God at once to remove them. We go into what I call affirmative prayer. And I'll explain that in a minute. We discuss them with somebody immediately, which is crucial. Urgency here is so important. We make amends quickly if we've harmed anyone. Then we resolutely turn our thoughts to someone we can help, not our actions. Well, I like to break those down. If we if we're not careful when we watch for these things, right, we're watching our thinking, not once we just have to step on someone's toes. We're watching our thinking. Let me tell you. And that in itself is an incredible spiritual tool because your first thought is ugly. I mean, it's judgmental. It's ugly. And with this pandemic, pandemic, whatever the heck we call it. Holy smokes, have I been wrapped tight? I'm about done. You know what I mean? And then you're taking care of sponsors. It's like the suicide hotline. I mean, you name it, the whole deal. And so I don't want to just go, you know what? God, please remove this resentment. Please remove this fear. You've got to go deeper than that. We're working on a relationship with the creator, a real conversation. So there's two laws I believe strongly in spiritual laws. There's two laws that govern asking God about our thought life. And I'm a fan of Emmett Fox. These laws and these are all these laws are out of there. I've got my email. If you're interested, I'll email you the laws. But the law of substitution and the law of subconscious activity are in effect when we are trying to ask God at once to remove this thought. Now, here's the law of substitution. There are a few great laws that govern all things, just as there are a few fundamental laws in chemistry, we know that thought control is the key to destiny. And in order to learn thought control, we have to know and understand these laws. One of the great mental laws is the law of substitution. This means that the only way to get rid of a certain thought is to substitute another one for it. You cannot dismiss a thought directly. Did you know that? Yeah. You can only do so by substituting another one for it. When a negative thought comes to you, don't fight it. But think of something positive. Preferably think of God. But if that's difficult because it can be, turn your attention to something quite different. Now, that seems awfully simple, very difficult when you have to put it in action. Now, this is the one that's going to just pucker your butt, man. I'm telling you, it's a dandy. As soon as the sub it's the law of subconscious activity. As soon as the subconscious mind accepts any idea, it immediately begins trying to put it into effect. It uses all its resources and they are far greater than is commonly supposed. It uses every bit of knowledge that you've ever collected, most of which you've totally forgotten to bring to forgotten to bring about its purpose. It mobilizes the many mental powers that you possess, most of which you never consciously use. Feel that butt pucker? It draws on the unlimited energy of the racing line. It lines up the laws of nature as they operate both inside and outside of you to get its way. Sometimes it succeeds in its purpose immediately. Sometimes it takes a little time. Sometimes it takes a long time. But if this is not utterly impossible, the subconscious will bring it about once it accepts the idea. OK, so you see the importance. Here's the beautiful part of this law. This law is true for both good and bad ideas. The law. When used negatively, brings sickness, trouble and failure. And when used positively, brings healing, freedom and success. We give the orders. Subconscious mind does the work. It's a beautiful law to understand when you're asking God to remove it and you just redirect to affirm something fabulous. If you're having a real trouble with what's going on in the world, that you may have lost your job, that how are you going to pay this? Every time you have that thought, you start with God. I'm not willing to believe this. I'm not willing to believe this delusional lie. Doesn't matter if you know what the lie is. And then you just affirm something fabulous. Like you're writing the chapter of your beautiful life. I've got so many positive emails from people that have done this with the strange children. They take this positive prayer and use it as if their next breath relies on it. It's amazing. Now, the second one says and I don't have time to read the letters that I have received, but they are remarkable. I don't get one or two. I get hundreds because it is the law. And the other one that I really like is when it says that we have to talk to somebody immediately and don't believe I'm at work, I can't talk on my phone, take it to the bathroom. And my sponsors leave the problem on my phone. So they call me and go, you know what, Sally, that chick I work with, I can't stand. Oh, my God, she embarrassed me at my meeting. And I got to tell you, I just want to kill her. And so I'll walk the dog backwards with them when I call them, ask them exactly what happened, what did she say, what did you do? So I can see where you made decisions based on self that later placed you in this position to be heard. Now, here's here's one that I did with my sponsor. Now, it's very important that you understand the background of this, because, you know, the alcoholic likes the story. OK, my husband, Joe, that passed away was a very, very sick man and I mean, he had back surgeries, Hep C, brain tumor, you name it. We were raised in a family. One of the things that that we did was I ran the show right. I was running the family. I was a fitness professional. He was a high end cabinetmaker and all of these things that we just ran the house like that, we were the yin and the yang, Charlie and I are the yin and the yang. And so Joe liked me when we went into the doctor's appointments. I had the clipboard and I would tell the doctor, you know, he had had a brain tumor, and he was very slow and I would do all the work. And that's how we operate. Well, I get with Charlie Parker, who was my best friend for 20 years. It was like marrying your brother. Let me tell you, it is. He loves me. I love him. Don't get me wrong, but my gosh, was that a hurdle for me to get over to go from best friends to kissing your brother to moving on? OK, and we have clearly we've been together 17 years. We've accomplished that. But there are so many things that are so different in this. One is he does everything. You know, he he cooks, he cleans, he grocery shops. He does everything. He makes the money, all of this. I have no spot. You know, when I did the inventory with my sponsor, she's like, Katie, what is wrong? I go, I don't know my purpose here. And it seems crazy, but it was real. And so when we go to a doctor's office and Charlie's going into the doctor, he's got a way he likes to do it. Right. He walks in. He's like, hey, Mary, how's the kid? He's stuck in shucking and jiving and everything. And he's not we're just not getting anywhere. Yes, me. I'm over there thinking, oh, my God, my husband drives me crazy in here. And I have to sit there so that he had a little bit of a throat scare, a little cancer throat scare. It was not cancer. But we have to go to the doctor every three months and have his throat scan. Well, it's all the way in San Antonio. It's seventy five miles away. And Charlie and I like to spend a lot of time together. We do a ton of stuff together. We shoot shotguns competitively. We love to do a talks. We just spend a lot of time together. We're both self-employed. And so we make a day of this trip. Right. We have to go to San Antonio. We leave at six a.m. We get down there. We see the doc at eight thirty. And when we're done scoping his throat, we go over to our favorite restaurant and have breakfast and then on the way home, we stop at the outlet mall. And that's just what we do. We've been doing this now for like seven years, maybe eight. And so this day, I think. I'm spiritually fit. I've done everything. I don't see that I'm not spiritually fit. I'm sitting in the doctor's office and the nurse comes in and she starts asking Charlie questions and she says, Charlie, you've been using no spray. And he goes, no, no. He uses Afrin is all over the house. He uses so much no spray. I can't even believe it. And then she says, have you been clearing your throat much? He clears his throat all morning long. I mean, it's right. Tons of flimsy. I'm sitting there going, oh, my God. And I got all my little stuff that I pack and carry around a little bit of a pack mule and sitting right there and she walks out. And I look at Charlie and I go, you know what? You are a big fat liar. And I mean, he comes out of that chair like the Incredible Hulk. He's like, hey. And I thought I just went right into those angry tears. Ladies, you know what I'm talking about? I'm like, you know, I just so done. I can't even believe you. You lied. You don't ever tell him the truth. And I said, I'm out of here. And so I pick up all my stuff and I get ready to walk out. Right. When Dr. Simpson's walking in, he knows us very well. And I mean, he's like, whoa, Katie, Katie, are you OK? And I'm like, no, I'm not OK. And I just go out of there and I go into the lobby. And I got to tell you guys, it's that cry. You can't stop it. Just with just ignited. So I pick up a magazine. Right. I realize, oh, my God. So my sponsor is a. She works in high criminal court. I'm not a fan of texting a tent step. Please hear that out. I think calling with the tent step is important. And if I need to hand write one out, it is important. But she's in high criminal court. She can't stop court just because I've called. And so she she knows I'm going to the doctor with Charlie. Why? Because I keep her abreast. These are vulnerable areas. Right. I've lost a husband. I could go down that road. Let's let's even start that. So the truth of the matter is, is I know that I'm in trouble. So I text her. Here's the text. Marty, I need a new tool kit for a sick husband. We're at the doctors and I just left the room. I can't stop crying. I must sit there and be submissive. I can't do that. He does not give them enough information. Now, if you're going to hear an inventory, you just heard the old idea that's driving me, right? It's driven by 100 forms of fear, self delusion, self seeking. I must sit there and be submissive. You see, do you think I'm ever going to be submissive? Well, I know you don't. But every once in a while in my mind's eye, I think I am. And I mean, I'll kill both of us. And Marty text me right away. Oh, honey, I'm so sorry. It must be so painful because she always just gives me that stroke. And then she just knocks the crap out of me. I got a little baby seal. A power just takes me down, says I'm sure he's scared, maybe even terrified. None of that is about you. How can you be helpful? Are you in the doctor's? Is treating him like he knows nothing? Are you the doctor police? How are you coming off when he's giving up giving information to the doctors? Are you smugly superior? Oh, let me tell you. Well, the first thing that freaked me out is I immediately stopped. I mean, I went to him, send her a text. I went, yes. And I'm like, oh, my God. Now she's not stepping on his toes, are you? Well, if not, if not you. Cloaked in a good motive. You have all the tools, huh? Just use them. I know hospitals and doctors are traumatic stuff for you. And you go on super high alert. This is a new day. And I sent her a text back and I said, thanks. Now, let me tell you the magic that happened in doing it immediately is Charlie walked out and he wasn't done with his appointment. And he said, Honey, please come back in. Had I not done this, my pride would have said no, because my feet would have been in concrete. I would have moved if I wanted to. And I can't tell you guys how crucial immediately is. You don't squander away the hours. You don't do more damage. I love I love my sponsors. Leave the 10 step call on my phone. I want the the problem, right? We live in page 61. What usually happens? The show doesn't come off very well. Admitting she's somewhat at fault. Others are more to blame. Where was she demanding or gracious? Right. The self-seeker. Even when trying to be kind, I'm over there like this. And I'm telling you, it blows the doors off of everything. Charlie and I also do do overs. I think do overs are one of the greatest gifts in a marriage. And let me tell you, the twelve and twelve says we are unable to form a true partnership with another human being. They are not messing around with a sponsor, with a boss, with a sibling. We have such trouble. Watch yourself. The first first few days, it's just euphoric. By 90 days. You kind of button. Right. And then by six months, oh, I got to get out of here. That can be with a sponsor. That can be with a coworker. It can be with so many things. And so we do a lot of do overs. And one of them is, you know, Charlie, he says he's some of my best work. And that is true. We didn't get married for seven years when we were dating. And he was my best friend for 20. He needed a tremendous amount of work to understand how to be married. I was married to Joe for 20 years. I know how to do marriage. And it's tough. It's very, very tough. So I've been sitting in the chair at the salon for three and a half hours. I walk in. He doesn't even notice. And I'm like, wow, Charlie, I said this takes three and a half hours. I'd like for you to say, wow, honey, your hair looks great. And he goes, you know what? Let's do a do over. He goes, go back out in the garage. Go out the garage. I go out in the garage. No, get in the car and everything. OK, so I get out. I come walking in and he goes, oh, my God, Katie. Did you have your hair? Let me let me see. I'm like, well, I guess I did. And I love it. My husband has taken that even further. He calls his sponsors and he goes, call Katie Shatter. Hair done. And they'll call me and go, Chad, I'll say, hey, Katie, it's Chad. I had a question, but something feels different. Have you had your hair done? I'm like, oh, my God, I love it. Don't ever stop. Right. Says love and tolerance of others is our code. That is a body of laws. Right. We can't do these things because the beauty of a do over is that you don't have to sit there and talk it to death, just do a do over, laugh about it and rock on. Otherwise we squander away the hours. A lot. It says on page forty four, if a mere code of morals or better philosophy of life were sufficient to overcome alcoholism, many of us would have recovered long ago, but we found that such codes and philosophies did not save us. No matter how much we tried, we could not wish to be moral. We could not wish to be philosophically comforted. In fact, we could. We could will these things with all our might. The needed power wasn't there. Our human resources as Marshall by the will were not sufficient. They failed utterly. That's like saying, I'm just going to be nicer to Charlie. I wish that worked. I call that chicken soup for the soul. Hey, it does not work on us, says. And we've ceased fighting anything or anyone. That's what Leslie was reading. Have you turned statements into questions, money, weather, traffic? I always thought that position of neutrality felt OK, like Switzerland. Right. This neutral doesn't always feel good at all. It says we feel as though we've been placed in this position of neutrality. See, self-centered fear is my problem, not fear. Selfishness and self-centeredness shows up that I'm I'm deathly afraid. I'm not going to get it. I get it. Now I'm going to lose it. I'm afraid I'm not going to be able to buy the house. Oh, my God, I qualify. Now I'm going to lose. I'm not going to ever get that boy. Oh, my God, I got that boy. Now I'm going to lose it. So you were never OK with or without. So this is how we react. So long as we keep in fit spiritual condition. I don't have enough time to go in on that. But I got to tell you something. Being an athlete, Mark Houston said, you're an athlete. Katie, you know what it takes to be an athlete. And let me tell you a lot. Oh, my God. See, see how nice I look. This is a ton of work. He said, take those same disciplines into 2011. So it doesn't matter if I don't feel like doing it. I do it, period. And let me tell you, it has changed my life. Tells me here it's easy to let up on the spiritual program of action and rest on our laurels, our past accomplishment. Well, baby, we are headed for trouble if we do. For alcohol is a subtle foe. Don't be fooled. You're going to you're going to rest on your laurels. You can't miss it. Right. What we have is a daily reprieve. I don't. I've never been comfortable with saying I'm sober one day at a time. Or somebody says, God willing, I'll be sober 12 years tomorrow. And I'm like, really? I go, are you that close to the edge? God willing. Sounds like it's earth shattering, right? You can stay sober a long time and untreated alcoholism and be miserable. The bedevilments on page fifty two. I missed it. What we have on a 24 hour basis is a conscious contact with the creator. And it's going to get into. I'll get back here in a minute. Says contingent, which means uninterrupted on the maintenance of our spiritual condition. Every day is a day. We must carry the vision of God's will into all our activities. I'm telling you, without the disciplines of 10, 11, that's just impossible. You're lucky to get it once a day, maybe four times a week. Traffic lines, a members, ex-husbands, ex-in-laws. We act like we're going to get rid of this selfishness or that it's the same selfishness that we used in drinking. Oh, trust me, I was an untreated alcoholism forever. I was living off the fellowship and service. And let me tell you, those are great things to have in your life. They do not treat alcoholism. What treats it are the 12 steps. They are not linear. They are circular. Missed all of that. And it says if we have carefully followed directions. Remember, on page twenty nine, clear cut directions are given, shown how we have recovered from a seemingly hopeless state of mind. We have begun to sense the flow of the spirit into us. To some extent, we've become God conscious. Now, this is at the end of the tenth step. Right. Our thought life will be placed on a higher plane. So we're talking about the difference between thought react, which is what most of us live in. Somebody says something like, you know, blurt out this or blurt out that or can't you know, I'm not going to tell Charlie that when he gets home. I'm not going to. I'm not going to. He walks in the door and I go, but right. That's thought react. God consciousness. This pause it's going to give us in the eleventh step is a spiritual gift. Right. And I'm telling you what, I didn't realize what I was missing until I had it and that's where it ends the tenth step. But we must go further. And that means more action. Remember, I thought the tenth step was the evening review and I wasn't doing it anyway. Well, it's not. I just explained the tenth step. Now we go on to the eleventh step. Right now, here's the tricky part. The eleventh step starts at the bottom of the page and it says step eleven suggests prayer and meditation. We shouldn't be shy on this matter of prayer. Better men than we are using it constantly. It works if we have the proper attitude and work for it. Now, here's the key. That's at the bottom of the page. Then you flip over and it says when we retire at night, if you take it off the wall, it looks like prayer and meditation. I'm telling you, the one thing you don't want to miss is evening review. I tell people I'd rather see you do an evening review, thorough evening review. I like to write mine. I find it much more effective. I'd rather see you do that than prayer and meditation. Because what happens with prayer and meditation is you can read some great spiritual literature and feel so good and shut that book. Put your hand on the doorknob. Let the games begin, brother, because I'm not even down to the second stop sign and someone has pissed me off. Right. This evening review keeps my finger on the pulse of the barometer of this. Let me tell you, I don't know about you guys. I hit a wall about three weeks into this stuff. And then after I hit that wall, Marty and I were doing the work behind it. My sponsor and I, then I thought I was pretty free. I mean, I felt completely free. I hit another wall the next night. What? What? And then I got free of that. And I'm tooling along. And my son has a bicycle rack. He's 30. He's got a family. Got my grandson. You know, just love those guys. He's really doing good. But. My son, my son can just be a real mess in my eyes. Now, I say that lovingly, but I raised him and I get worried whenever he hurts himself that he likes to take the oxycodone. And I don't like that feeling. And he's going on a drug seeking mission is what I see. He broke his collarbone, five ribs and his elbow. Of course, he's in pain. I don't like what I see. Joe was a heroin addict. And I just know he's got that tendency in him. And so I am a wreck. And I was a wreck for four days. And I mean, I am edgy, edgy, edgy. And boy, my evening review was three times this long. My morning prayer meditation was an extra 20 minutes because I knew I had trouble. Now we're at what? Eight weeks into this deal. And thank God, I just kept myself out of situations that would be too dangerous. It's a must. What we must do if I'm not safe to call back a sponsor that bugs the crap out. I'm not calling her back. I'm not going to take that risk. something that I'm going to regret and definitely hurt her. She's going to not like it. So when it says that we have to have this proper attitude, what attitude are we talking about? It's on page 55. The attitude says we can only clear the ground a bit. If our testimony helps sweep away prejudice, any prejudice we have, that's anything I judge. Well, guess what? I don't know about you guys. I judge everything. Everything. My very first thought is always judgment. I'm on the hike and bike trail. This chick, everybody's out there exercising. This girl comes by with a peach outfit on, but she looked like she was naked running down there. And I thought, oh, girl, how in the world did you pick out peach for your skin tone? I, you know, I, it's there. And I'm like, wow, God, I'm back on that edge again. It says, enable you to think honestly, encourage you to search diligently within yourself. So we're going to enable you to think honestly. Do you believe the alcoholic mind is delusional? Yes. Not denial. Delusional. Then it takes courage to search diligently, to swallow and digest large chunks of truth about yourself. Holy smokes, it's not easy. I've never liked when people said, you know, I called you Katie. I really didn't like what you said. I said, stop saying that. That's my job. I wouldn't ever imagine saying that to my sponsor. I'm swallowing and digesting because she's got the courage to do this with me. Right? I mean, I understand you feel that way. I understand you feel that way. I understand you feel that way. I understand you feel that way. I understand you feel that way. I understand you feel that way. I understand you feel that way. I just don't need to hear it because you know why? I'll soften up on you. Because see, don't objectify me. I'm still a human being with emotions and I don't want to hurt your feelings. You know, so I'm going to lighten up. The steps tell us when, how, and why to take them. My buddy Blind Dave does this beautiful thing with a fountain. The top tier, he says, is the evening review. The second tier is when the evening review spills over into morning prayer and meditation. Right? This is the beauty. So we've got the evening review. Then we've got morning prayer and meditation. And then that spills over into the 10th step, this drama of life where we're watching. He says, you want to stop that fountain from flowing? Stick your finger in the top and don't do an evening review. You see, because that evening review is such the key to your future. That's the inventory of how did I do on my 10th step? Here's the questions. Worry, resentful, selfish, dishonest, or afraid. Don't just say yes. I'm telling you, written is so profound. Where were you resentful? Write these things down. Scribble out a four column inventory. Write a fear inventory. You start to write inventory a lot, man. You can write that in six minutes. Do we owe an apology? Have we kept something to ourselves which should have been discussed with another person at once? There's the 10th step drunk track right there. Did you do a 10th step, it should say? Were we kind and loving towards all? What could we have done better? We should have done better. We should have done better. Were we thinking of ourselves most of the time? Or were we thinking of what we could do for others? What we could pack into the stream of life? God dang, those are beautiful questions. Then there's a warning, but we must be careful not to drift into worry, remorse, or morbid reflection. Why? Because it makes me feel bad? No, it would diminish my usefulness to others. See, it says on page 19, the viewpoints and shortcomings of others is basically my guiding light. As an ex-problem drinker, my very life depends upon the constant thought of others and how we may help meet their needs, right? Oh, which, by the way, Laura, John, Laura told me to say hi. So, constant thought of others right there. Just saying. So, when we're looking at this, this diminish our usefulness, then it says after making our review, we ask God's forgiveness and inquire what corrective measures should be taken. We ask God's forgiveness. Why? Because of the selfishness. We carry around. These are God's children that we're having these thoughts about, right? I'm not better or less than. We are all God's kids, and this corrective measure means to able to correct, right? So, that's what I'm going to take into my on awakening, and now it says on awakening. Let us think about our 24 hours ahead. We consider the plans for the day. So, I always used to hear people say, you know, it's all about listening. prayer and meditation. And honestly, I hope you read your big book because that's how I got my big book in AA meetings, is you please read it and then talk about it. And thank you very much because I'm not going to read it. And so one of the things is, is that's a deep misunderstanding. Now, if you want to sit in silent meditation for an hour, it's a very good practice, but that's not what the book is telling me to do. As a matter of fact, the word meditation in the 1935 dictionary means for a general to contemplate the war is the example they give. Deep contemplation, thought, right? And so this general is going to think about, he's going into battle the next day, are all his cannons prepared? Are his men flanked on the right, flanked on the left? So it's contemplating our day. So I start mine with three pads. One pad is my to-do list, one pad is my evening review, and my other pad is my two-way, I love the Oxford group's two-way prayer. And I do these beautiful love letters to God is what I call them. And so this to-do list is my thoughts on what I'd like to accomplish today, right? I'm considering them. Now, when we pause when agitated or doubtful, we're going to bring that list back into play. It's also in morning time, sometimes you'll just have a thought about somebody, right? Call Mary, check on Jim, write that down. It's such a still, quiet voice, you'll miss it. And if you have it on paper, you'll be able to get to it as the day goes on. Then it says, before we begin, we ask to be, we ask God to direct our thinking, especially that it be divorced from self-pity, dishonest, or self-seeking motive. Isn't it interesting it doesn't say fear? Self-pity is the first thing. Why? Because alcoholics are restless, irritable, and discontented. That is our baseline. We either go up to happy, joyous, and free, or down to happy, joyous, and free. We're either moving forward or we're moving back. We are not stagnant, ever. Do not buy into that delusion. I'm telling you what, it's getting ready to give me some warnings. Before we begin, well, we're asking for this to direct our thinking, right? And then it says, under these conditions, which means state of mind, we can employ our mental faculties with assurance. For after all, God gave us brains to use. I love, you'll hear people go, well, God, you're not going to be able to do that. You're not going to be able to do that. You're not going to be able to do that. You're not going to be able to do that. You're not going to be able to do that. You're not going to be able to do that. You're not going to be able to do that. You're under these conditions. Have you been working a stellar 10 and 11? Because if you haven't, you are asleep. You're even, you're awake. And trust me, it's self-reliance. I mean, have you ever heard some people, well, God gave me brains to use. And they tell you their story, they're going to do that. Oh, man. Oh, I don't even hardly know you. And I see about 20 problems with that statement. And so then it says, our thought life will be placed on a much higher plane when our thoughts are in the right place. And so, I'm going to tell you, I'm going to tell you, I'm going to tell you, thinking is cleared of wrong motives. Where are we going to pick those up? From our day from yesterday, right? Oh my, I can't even begin to tell you how important the evening review is. But what happens with us alcoholics? We do something and then we feel so good, we quit doing it. So we live like this. We do it, then we stop doing it. We're in enough pain, we do it, then we stop doing it. It says in thinking about our day, we may face indecision. Now we're still in prayer and meditation. Here we ask God for an inspiration, an intuitive thought or decision. We relax and take it easy. This is through our prayer and meditation. The right answer will come if our own house is in order. What used to be the hunch or occasional inspiration gradually becomes a working part of the mind. What a promise, what an experience. Now I love this, being still and experienced. That means every day. Don't be fooled. Being still and experienced and having just made conscious contact with God that day. It's not probable that we're going to be inspired at all times. So some of your prayer and meditation has done us suck. Of course it is. Sometimes I work out at the gym. It sucks. I still go back and do it and I still do it. We might pay for this presumption and all sorts of absurd thoughts and actions. Nevertheless, we find that our thinking, as time passes, be more and more on that plane of inspiration. We become too reliant on this, right? I don't worry about gaining 25 pounds. I've been an athlete all my life. That's just not going to happen. And so when I do this, it's the exact same thing. I'm going to rely upon it. Some days are not going to feel good. Some days I may pay for that presumption and all sorts of absurd thoughts and actions, but not like I used to. And then this is the one I really like, the pause. A lot of people say pause when agitated. It's so much deeper than that. I can almost tell if you're in a meeting and you say, oh, I paused. At my mother-in-law, I didn't yell at her or whatever. That is such a self-willed pause. Trust me. You can just hear it in them. This is a spiritual promise. And I call it pause, ask, remind, and say. It says as we go through the day, we pause when agitated or doubtful. I'm much more doubtful today than I am agitated. And we ask for the right thought or action. We constantly remind ourselves we're no longer running the show, humbly saying to ourselves, many times each day, your will, not mine, be done. Now, let me tell you something. I get that to-do list and I look at it and trust me, I can get everything on here done, but I am hauling ass. I am running red lights. I am coasting through stop signs. I am just in a line. Come on, come on, come on, come on. Really agitated. Oh, but I got my list done. What God's saying is look at that list and go, you know what, God? I need to go by Home Depot and I still have to make that business call and talk. I need to go to a spa and I don't think I can make lunch with my grandson. And I will hear the undeniable voice say, tomorrow you'll have time to do that. Really? Okay, well, then what are those three things should I do now? Go to Home Depot. Okay, you know why? God has put someone at Home Depot for me to see. It may be something as simple as a smile as, I mean, I can't even begin to tell you. When you are walking around looking the world in the eye, you are like a beacon. A beam of light. People will just stop and all of a sudden you'll tell somebody, oh my God, I love that outfit you have on. Thank you so much. I just yada, yada, yada, yada. I mean, have conversations with people. We are turning into looking at our phones. Oh, I can't even begin to tell you what a problem that is. I don't, I try not to judge people that do. I try to say a prayer when they go by. Lately, I've not been too terribly spiritually fit. I'm not so good with it lately, but I'm telling you, I am aware of it. And then it says, listen to the promises here. We are then in much less danger of excitement, fear, anger, worry, self-pity, there it is again, or foolish decisions. It says, we've become much more efficient. We don't tire so easily, for we're no longer burning up energy foolishly as we did when we were trying to arrange life to suit ourselves. It works. It really does. Remember on page 62, it said, play and God, it didn't work. Between 62 and this page here at the end of the 11th step, that is the action part of our program. And we will run from it. We will hide. We will get to more meetings. We will do more service work. And we don't even know we're doing that. We are resting on our laurels to avoid that work. I'm telling you here, it says, we alcoholics are undisciplined. Is that new information? Not at all. So we let God discipline us in this simple way. We are not just lined out. I'm going to read this pride statement. I don't normally read it, but I've got four minutes. It says, pride, my pride's always telling me it's protecting me. It's really trying to kill me. It says, my name is pride. I am a cheater. I cheat you out of your God-given destiny because you demand your own way. Sound familiar? I cheat you out of contentment because you deserve better than this. I cheat you. I cheat you out of knowledge because you already know it all. I cheat you out of holiness because you refuse to admit when you're wrong. I cheat you out of genuine friendship because nobody's going to know the real you. I cheat you out of love because real romance demands sacrifice. My name is pride. I am a cheater. You may think I'm always looking out for you. I'm true. I'm looking to make a fool of you. Guys, I'm here talking to middle management. The new guy is the blood of the program. There's plenty of information for the new guy. But I'm the oxygen, right? The guy I'm talking to is the guy with 3, 5, 10, 15, 25 years sober. That's who I'm talking to. If you're not feeling it, there is so much more available. Remember, the blood cannot survive without the oxygen. If you're not in the book, please get in the book. And if you are, I'll see you on the firing line. Ralph, thanks for having me. Thank you.