Step 1 and the Design for Living That Actually Works – Joe

Hi, I'm Joe. I'm an alcoholic. Tabitha, thank you for asking me to do this lead. All right. I grew up in Shelby Township. It's in Macomb County. It's like 20 minutes north of Detroit. And I have a younger brother, an older sister, and I was primarily raised by my mom. And my dad passed away from cancer when I was seven years old. So I'm just going to go ahead and skip to my first drink. Kind of a boring childhood, I guess. My first drink was, I was 14 years old, and I Was at my friend's parents' house. he had um he had like a bunch of a bunch of liquor like in this liquor cabinet and i mean it was free so it's kind of a plus my first time drinking um and like we kind of just went through went through all the liquor i kind of had like an idea of what it was going to be like a sample of every kind and i i didn't really like it i thought it was gonna be something like i i remember like talking to people at school about drinking and they were saying it was it was really cool you know you party you do all this it wasn't like a party or nothing i I kind of just drank with one friend, and it was kind of stupid. I didn't really like the effects that much, and I didn' t really drink after that throughout high school. And I was a freshman then, so high school was kindof boring too. I didn''t really go out that much. I didn ''t really have that many friends. I just played video games and kind of Just... I was really into PC games, Counter-Strike, if you know it. it's like a first person shooter I was actually really good at that game that was one of the things I mastered so and then I remember I used to watch a lot of gangster movies, I still do but I don't I guess I have people to hang out with now but so I watched Goodfellas and Casino and I was really into The Sopranos I'd be watching that show for years And then my senior year I remember I was taking this law enforcement class And it was kind of ironic Because that's right around the time Where I first started smoking weed And I really liked the effects of marijuana That was like my thing So of course I didn't really want to be a cop After that And I lost a lot of motivation My mom was always saying You won't do anything with your life And even the people I was smoking weed with Because I was just a loser I would just sit around, and that's all I'd want to do is smoke weed, you know. And, like, I remember, like the summer, like in between my senior year in college, I went to California with one of my little pothead friends, and his parents were living out there in California. It was in Hawthorne. It was so sweet. Like we would be – like his stepdad would be selling us weed all the time. So I just had to lay on the couch And he would sell us weed And I had everything I wanted I was only there for five weeks So I really wish I could have just lived there Forever I think on like 4th of July There was like It was kind of a rough neighborhood And these ex-gang members Were living next door And I remember seeing this guy With an Uzi strapped to his side And my friend Kind of pointed out to me I'm like, there's no way someone's going to be that crazy to do that. You just don't see that in the suburbs. Where I'm from, it's just really boring and nothing really happens and people just play video games, I guess. Then I kept smoking weed. I came back to Michigan. Throughout high school, I've actually been working at my uncle's store as well and I quit without putting in my two weeks. I've absolutely yet to put in two weeks anywhere. I've never done that before. So I kind of just left that place, and then after that I noticed how my employment, I could never hold a job when I got into drugs. Like I was, you know, I'd be at a place for a month, maybe a few weeks, I'D get a paycheck, and then I'D leave. I don't even know how many jobs I've had. I've Had so many chances. My mom would go out and look for work for me, you know? I went to Macomb Community College, and I didn't really know what I wanted to do. I was kind of like, well, I can't really be a cop. What can you do? What can a pothead really do? I mean, all these places do drug tests now. So I started working at this banquet hall. They don't do drug testing, so I was a dishwasher there. I worked on and off there for about two years, and I would just leave, and then they would call me back. They knew I was the pothead, so they couldn't really expect much from me. And I actually just did an amends with the manager. She kind of was laughing at me. She's like, I know, it's okay. So I, so I was at the, okay, I'm losing my train of thought. I just get real nervous when I go up here. So I was at, so I smoked weed for about two years, actually about three years. So let's just speed up here. I was like 21. And before that, I was, like, 19 and my grandpa had passed away from, I think it was cancer. He was old. He was from Hungary. My grandparents were from Hungary, and they, so that was really, it was pretty sad. You know, I knew him. You know, we talked a lot and he was a good guy. He worked at GM and I was, I don't know, I inherited a lot of money when he passed away and it was supposed to be for college. I mean, we're talking like tens of thousands, it was like a trust fund. And it was opposed to be school and I did spend some of it on school, like a very small percentage of it. But most of it went towards drugs And he specifically put in his will That this is for college and nothing else Not a car, especially not drugs And I thought it was some kind of baller Like I had the money I had The drugs And then like Right around there I was at Western I transferred my gen ed credits over to Western And that was a lot of fun And actually, before I got to Western, I didn't get arrested, but I got charged with possession of marijuana. I got caught smoking weed in the dorms or something, and they charged me. They don't take you to jail out there. They just give you a ticket, which is kind of nice, so I could keep smoking weed. I don't have to take a break. I mean, it was kind of annoying. And then I had to warn off my arrest for like six months. Then I get to Western. I'm actually enrolled in college and immediately on probation. for uh possession of marijuana so they gave me like six months i used my 74 11 um which is like well whatever it's like i i they gave мне a break like if i completed the probation i would not have a criminal record the courts would always know about it but that's just what they told me i don't know like um so like i i was at so yeah i was at western i completed the probation i was basically a dry dry alcoholic um i i would go on the internet and i would try and buy like stuff on like uh weed on the internet like legal weed like those little yeah i don't Know what it's called but it's fake and it doesn't work i i try i spent a lot of money on it i really that's something i do kind of regret and i i tried like all all types of weird things i guess you could take caffeine pills i tried that i got really sick it didn't do anything um so i completed that and then i immediately i remember the day i always remember the time where i was completely sold and then I relapsed you know and I didn't really think my life was too unmanageable but i i remember like going away from the courthouse driving my jeep away from the courithouse going back to the uh i think this is when i was living at the frat house actually yeah yeah i was at i was looking at this frathouse and i was on my way back and i'm like i want to smoke so much weed and i want even do more i'm gonna do maybe i'll get into coke i don't even care anymore because i was just i knew that being sober was not for me being sober sucks like i i don't know what to do. I don't know how to act. All I do is talk about drugs when I'm sober. Like, I pledged this fraternity and they're like, all you are is like someone who wants to get high. And they're like, oh, well, welcome. When you're off probation, I guess you can do that here at the frat house. Like I was really good to no one, you know? And I hated living at that frat house. That was not my scene. It was at SAE at Western. It was just in the wrong place. They like to drink. I like to get high so uh so after um so yeah shortly after that i think it was a few maybe like four or five months i just kept smoking weed and then i wanted to do some cocaine so i i started doing coke i was getting to connect through one of my roommates at the frat house i think this is actually in the summer sometime and I loved it. I loved the effects of cocaine. I started smoking it with my weed and then after that, it wasn't too much longer where I kind of wanted to take a step up and I tried crack. I was actually in Detroit visiting my mom and I smoked the crack with the weed and that was like my thing. And then things really fell off after that i went back to school and i think i was only there for like a week and then i just i told my roommate you got to try this stuff because like it's awesome so i i went back and i never returned and well actually i did return to pick up my stuff things got well i had an xbox i had like little things that were worth money so i needed that because i and i had a lot of money on top of that so i was like i got everything worked out i got my jeep you know if things get bad i could just sleep in my car which is what i ended up doing And I just started blowing through all kinds of money And in the back of my mind I didn't really feel bad about it But someone worked very hard for this money And now I'm smoking drugs And spending money on all kinds Which is unacceptable My mom and my family The only one who knew about my legal troubles With that possession of marijuana was my brother, who's actually here right now. He never ratted on me. Kept it a secret. Never said anything about it. No one had any clue that I got in trouble. But then I got into the hardcore stuff, and again, he knew about it, and this was kept a secret for not too long because I got caught smoking crack in my mom's bathroom. Because I was there for like five hours in the bathroom, And sometimes I'd be like, I fell asleep. Like I used to say, I felt asleep in the bathroom with like the shower going or something because I was in there like just, I don't know. It was horrible. I get really paranoid. I'm a very nervous person naturally. So like it's just horrible. So I'm not being like too detailed, but whatever. And so this is just what happened. So like I shortly after that, I always said I was never going to do heroin. uh my uncle i'm actually not the only alcoholic drug addict in the family i have an uncle that's been struggling with addiction for 40 years his drug of choice is heroin and alcohol um and i was being eventually my mom was comparing me to him and i mean this guy he's a really nice guy but he's just he's not done yet um so uh heroin um yeah so i started shooting heroin uh like the first time i did it was years ago and i didn't like it i thought it was coke and this kid tricked me and it was actually heroin trying to get me addicted seriously um i and then i just did the same thing i got into to shooting drugs and like i would turn it on to other people and i'm not not like an evil person but misery loves company and like I like you know if you're doing pills I got something that's way better and and eventually like got into uh got all the people into heroin which is i mean it's very deadly and and then after that i did take a trip to miami that was a lot of fun um that's bad but i didn't have a uh like a habit and i didn'T get sick until i started uh using heroin intravenously so um i started getting dope sick and i thought i would never get dope sick because i was different i was unique i i i would snort heroin every now and then for for like a year or so when I was doing the crack thing, but I was like I can't get sick. There's no way. And I started getting sick and I started doing a lot of heroin. It really kicked my ass early on and I got arrested on 696 and Shainer. And I got pulled over and I was listening to my gangster rap music and I thought it was somebody, like a big shot. It's talked about this in the big book. I thought it was just so cool and then I get pulled over and I turn into this little bitch you know the cops are here like I gotta make up a story and I did a pretend cry and that didn't work I tried everything and I was in cuffs and I'm sitting in the back of the bumper and he's like alright you just sit down right there and I'll search the rest of your car I told him where the drugs were I thought he was going to let me off we're talking about crack and heroin So I just wasn't thinking right He arrested me immediately And it was all because I always had some stupid warrant For my arrest That was why he pulled me over For a noise violation I got like a year ago at Western You know And it Was like a misdemeanor charge It was just like a hundred dollar fine That's all I had to do But I mean I would have got caught eventually I was just using a lot of drugs So I got arrested and I was in the courts Unfortunately I've already used my 7411 So there's no other chances Criminal record and all that I remember the cops They were asking me Have you ever been in trouble with the law before And I was like well yeah I got caught with weed a while back But I had a 7411 They look at each other and it's like damn this one's in the system Like it's official now But my mom was nice enough to get me a lawyer And She got me A lawyer like um yeah she got me a lawyer and i got the charges knocked down to one misdemeanor instead of two felonies because i caught with both i got uh caught with bolt drugs so so that was all right and then and then i uh i was in jail for like 10 10 days and then I got out uh I went to treatment went to sacred heart I got really good at ping pong that's all I learned from it I really wasn't ready to be like do the sober thing yet um like as far as i know i i would i was already sober for six months and i hated it and so like i just didn't want to be sober and i was i don't want to get into trouble but like i'm just chose to get high like i mean i was powerless you know so and especially after i took that first one it seems like and this time i was like i was sitting on the couch i remember sitting on the coach watching some gangster movie and then like all the sudden I just get an idea in my head like you know I got in all this trouble and I think I was on felony bond and I was like so the consequences really weren't working anymore because like I just took off right to the dope spot and got my drugs and it's it's kind of sad the way that works and then I eventually violated my probation and then they sent me to jail for I think it was it was only like 90 days but it felt like a lifetime and there's nothing to do in jail at all like i was a trustee so it wasn't that bad so i had something to do but i was kind of just walking around just down down on my luck sober you know like this sucks doing nothing i was a booking trustee i did have a little bit of fun i guess but jail is just not the place for me i'm not a good jailer that's what i was told not even like people are playing cards i'm just sitting here like uh i'm like literally waiting to get out so and then i and then I took and then I got out of jail and I meet this kid when I was he was my co-worker and he was also a heroin addict so we we ended up exchanging numbers and I knew that I would drink that I would start shooting dope again but I wanted to kind of stall things so I stayed sober for like two weeks and thenI get out um you know I get out of sobriety I guess and then And he calls, and that was it. And I go right back to it like nothing happened. I just got out of jail. I just had a high-level misdemeanor or whatever. I mean, that's not that bad, but it was big-time trouble for me because I'd never really been in trouble. And then I just kept using after that for a long time, actually a long time, like a year, it was like a day. A year and a half. For me, that was a long term. But throughout that time, I remember I had $20,000 left in the bank accountant and so i was kind of dwindling on on money and i was thinking like i might i'm gonna have to actually get a job after i run out of this this trust fund money and so that's what i did i got a job at at labor ready um it was pretty bad like you if that's the kind of place where you gotta like wake up at five in the morning and then you you get called for work sometimes i sit there for weeks and not get a jock you know it's like uh manual labor like day labor stuff like minimum wage it's just it's pretty tough and then uh after that yeah and then like that's that's the bad time you know and like i was sick all the time and i was miserable but i kept doing i kept like just kind of prolong my drug use and nothing nothing like i don't know like i would just be sitting in this building at labor ready and just dope sick like i'm thinking like why did i just want to get sober, but like I'm an addict and I didn't know any other way to live. And I thought I couldn't have sobriety because I knew that it would work in other people's lives. And I went to Sacred Heart. Like I kind of know, I don't really know anything about AA at this point, but I don'T know. And like just to kind of touch on this, like I had broken some pretty serious laws. I've never gotten in trouble for them though. Like, I just became a different type of person you know I was uh I was a stranger to myself I I grew up in a really good family um my my you know my maybe my dad passed away but I have a really really good mom my my brother and my sister they're so normal and they're nice and then I'm over here shooting drugs and smoking crack and my mom visited me when I was doing that 90 piece I guess whatever in jail and she looks at me through the plexiglass through the glass and she's like do you want to end up like your uncle and I was uh I was like almost crying um I was like I don't know and because I already said I was going to be a good boy and stay sober and and complete the probation because they put me on probation for a year after I caught that serious drug charge and I was like, I don't know. And I couldn't even look at her in the eye. So I left. So, you know, whatever. And then after, and then I actually got sober because I got caught stealing from my mom for like the second or third time. I kept taking money. I remember I crashed a car because I was nodding out going, I think It was north, trying to cross 8 Mile. This is in Macomb County, and I almost totaled that car. I could have seriously hurt someone as well. It was a pretty serious accident. I rear-ended the guy, and he was just waiting at a light. And then I guess I'm going to get sober now. So I got sober, and... You know, like that labor-ready thing, and you can't make much money doing it, And I figured, you know, whatever. But honestly, I got caught stealing and I was broke and I Was at the courthouse and it was a big mess. I'm not going to get into it. And then my mom told me, he's like, You've taken money from me, okay? And I know what you're doing. He's like You want to come clean now? And I was like Okay, I've been using drugs again. I've Been using heroin again. And my mom's like I'm going to drug test you anyways. So we go to CVS right by the house. She gets a drug test She must have got the really good kind Because I ended up testing positive For crack and heroin And I don't even remember the last time I did cocaine or whatever But I guess I tested positive for both So like that Then she was even more disappointed Because she said get honest And I didn't get completely honest So I was you know In some trouble So she's like you've got two options You can go to treatment Or you can just live somewhere else Because I'm tired of this and this was happening for years ever since I got into weed like I've been getting yelled at by my mom for half a decade get a job, she would try to get me jobs she would do stuff for me and it never worked because I didn't care she showed me how to do my laundry 20 times I had to learn that in transitional housing by my house manager You know, like I just don't really, I don't want to do nothing at all. I don' t want to work at all, so I got sober, and then I went to Sacred Heart, no, no it was Harbor Light, alright, so this is my second treatment center, it was in Harbor Light. Salvation Army, it's in Mount Clemens or whatever, and that place was like, it wasn' t nothing like the other treatment center like this one was kind of i don't know run down but i'm sure there's good things happening there but i couldn't really see it because my my perceptions altered you know there's a lot of people there that are getting in the courts getting out of prison and like i just didn't feel like i was in the right place but i was but since i'm a i'ma punk i kind of i said i wanted to die and they they like immediately sent me to the psych ward and which was like not a good idea because it was like i don' t know i think it was at henry ford hospital I was there for like a week And I'm like this is so weird Like I don't know what was worse That psych ward or that treatment center I guess it doesn't really matter So I get out of there This is what happens when I'm dry When I'm not working steps And then after that Because I didn't have a sponsor I wasn't working steps at this point This was a few weeks into my sobriety So then my mom's like You know what I talked to Your aunt you know her sister and she's like she knows uh you know a kid that went to ann arbor ann arbor michigan and got sober and there's a big recovery community out there and you can you might have a chance out there so she's i'm gonna drop you off at this transitional house um the vendor house she's gonna she was like i'll pay i'll play the rent okay the first month And see what happens after that So she goes in She drops me off And I was like this can't be happening Because when she cut me off Everything had changed I was completely codependent on my family On that trust fund money My mom did all kinds of things for me And I Was just like She got me my first car This was it I was 24 years old So I wasn't exactly a kid I mean I was a kid though so like i i like mentally i was a kid i guess so i ended up at this devender house and i think i was there about a week and a half so like you can see how there's a pattern like it doesn't matter where i am because that treatment center i went to in the beginning was a six month long treatment center and that was probably why i like i don't want to be here anymore because that's too long like i got things to do like you know i want to go to school i want to do something with my life and eventually get high again because i've done it a couple of times now so like then after that i uh i went yeah this was a very bad time probably one of the worst times in my life at the defender house it wasn't because of the roommates it wasn'T because of the house manager it wasnT because of nothing but me i um i was still not working steps at this point i didn'T have a sponsor and i wasn'T praying i DIDN'T know nothing about the real program so i got so one day it was at nighttime and it was uh it was real cold out and i was extremely depressed. I was pretty much tapped out like, and I thought that this, I went to a few meetings that week. I think I went to a couple of animal club meetings. So I ended up going in the kitchen and I picked up a knife and I decided I wanted to die. You know before that of course I decided so I pick up a knife and I didn't even pick a sharp knife. I didn'y even pick a real knife to do it. It was a steak knife. It wasn't even you know so I pick up this steak knife and run it across my throat thinking that I was going to kill myself and it was pretty serious and I hate telling the story but I think it's necessary to tell the story of what happens when I don't work steps so seriously I don'y like being dry so this is what I'm going to do and I just thought like, all these conversations were going on through my head. I wasn't speaking to anyone at this point. My mom on the phone and a little bit to the house manager but I didn't know I don't really know how to express myself that good. I'm not good with words I was always kind of quiet and 12 step programs they involve public speaking like I'm doing now I don' t know so I guess that's a miracle So like I was over, yeah, so like, and then there was just blood everywhere. Like all over, like 50% of the lower level was covered in blood because of me. And it was, I kind of like to shoot myself down, but it wasn't like it was a scratch. I mean, that's why I have a scar on my neck. It's a tracheostomy scar or something, trach scar. And I don't know really why they put that. I had to breathe or whatever. I don't know the details, but I remember getting carted off to the hospital. Before that, I was running all over the place trying to escape because I wanted to die. After I ran that blade across my neck, I wasn't done yet. Like, okay, it didn't work. Now I'm going to go in the bathroom. People know. So I'm gonna try and bleed out. I'm wanna try and make a break for it and just go out in the cold and hopefully they won't be able to catch me. but what I didn't really think through is that my house manager was there and he was like this big guy he just body slammed me to the ground he's like you ain't leaving, you're not going to win then all my roommates just start piling out I'm like a little guy I didn' t think it was that necessary I was like dude you got to just let me go I couldn't really speak there was blood everywhere when I was running around a big gust of air went literally in my throat because it was so bad. It was serious. Then I went to the hospital, and I was in the ICU for a couple hours, and then I was on the medical floor for about a week. That place, oh, I hate hospitals. And I was there for a total of nine weeks because they would not let me out because I was so worried about going to jail and going to prison. I thought it was illegal to do something like that. They held me there for a while Because I was so nervous and paranoid But it's because of the steps I wasn't working them You know So I had to eat through a tube For 30 days Because I had no food Because I needed to heal And there's been nerve damage And there are certain foods I can't eat It's not like poor me It's got lucky Because I get to live One more day I'm so grateful to be alive And this is what happens People do kill themselves People overdose Whether it's on purpose or not That was a thing with heroin So many people OD around me all the time And I didn't give a shit Because that might threaten my drug use People die So like Moving on I was in the psych ward It was getting weird I had all the personal pizzas I could eat I had chocolate ice cream I didn' t have to work It wasn' t that bad I was crazy though now I'd be like oh man it would be nice to take a break but no I love my life but it was kind of weird being the psych ward and I'll just skip over that a little bit I mean actually the one thing did happen that was kindof strange the doctor gave me a piece of paper and it had a bunch of words on it and I didn't read it because I didn'y like reading and he's like this is for ECT electric convulsive therapy And I was like I translated that in my own words You mean electric shock therapy I didn't know they do that anymore I didn'y know they have psych wards Like people don't talk about this shit So like I said yes So I signed the little waiver I didn''t even read it And I said anything has to be better than this And they did these ECTs on me I think it was 12 times They put you to sleep It's a lot more humane nowadays and i don't know it like resets your brain basically because like i was so depressed and the medication was not working there was so they were putting me on all kinds of medication they were testing it out like will this work or that work or this amount and then nothing would really take because i mean i don' t know if i'm mentally ill but definitely untreated alcohol alcoholic right now just like not really getting it and i then i after that i went to this crisis center And there was a lot of people visiting me One of them was in the hospital My uncle visited me, my heroin addict uncle And he's like, you're getting out soon I'd like to take you out, we'll work out That's his thing, he gets sober and works out It's pretty cool We went and worked out I was trying to get high with him Because I didn't know another way out I had 20 bucks I was like, I got a little bit of money Let's go get high And he said no And I was fiending so bad for days Then he finally calls and all I want to do is get high because the obsession was so there. And so, like, that didn't really work out the way I wanted it to. We ended up working out. So after that, like I wasn't one of those people that came into the program like, oh, I'm done, I am going to do this thing, what can I do? It took a while. So after That, I got out of the crisis center and then i was in dawn farm transitional and i'm so grateful that i ended up there i had a really really good house manager there was a bunch of guys that i got close with and we we you know kind of were in this common struggle together and going for this common goal like i really when some of those people are like in this room right now and it's amazing you know um we just kind of stuck together and we did the deal you know eventually i was kind of a straggler but i ended up doing the deal i pray i i do all all types of things i i support people i um i got a sponsor right now which is awesome he's doing really well and then i got like uh i got things happening in my life you know i went hunting that's something i never got to i mean i never got to do it when i was getting high before our drugs i was really into hunting you know that was like a thing that I cherish hunting and then fishing you know fishing is cool too and I get to do both because and before I it's like I'm getting high like I don't want to be out there in the woods there's no drugs out there the dealers are far but like I mean I like getting high but I don't like what happens you know and like I am thinking like this AA thing in the beginning is just a waste of time for people like me because I can't speak very good I can not do this and I can't do that. And this is my ego getting in the way of my recovery. I take this very seriously. As far as my, my ego, like that's basically what the, for me, that's what the 12 steps do. They, they continue to break down my ego just a little bit at a time. And I started with step one, you know, obviously my life was very unmanageable. I could go on and on but ah it's kind of running out of time so i um you know like my ego like step one like teachability like i gotta be like teachable all at all times i can't use drugs like normal people because i'm not normal i have a brain disease and my it it um it'll destroy me that's what my disease wants i just wants to kill me you know and i need to practice things like humility like stacking chairs at the north side meeting on a Monday night at 7.30 there's other things I like to be doing but why not stack chairs so I can stay alive one day at a time it holds me accountable I take service commitments seriously there's been this issue with work with scheduling I gotta get people to cover my commitments, it's ridiculous I hate that I try and get to as many meetings as possible in the area I'm trying to be willing To just help people Like I am actually of value for once in my life Like before I was just like I don't know, just a high on And that's all I would ever do and talk about I was known in Macomb I'm probably still known in McComb County As a junkie That's the truth And I just went to this restaurant And one of my friend's brothers works there And he He's like damn he's like what have you been up to man I was like I didn't get into the whole AA thing but he's I'm like I just been working lately and I'm clean now I'm sober he's Like really it's like I mean I'm a dishwasher but then he's You know what it's a job you know because usually I never really had a job consistently I was never really part of a team now I can be a part of a team at I work at real real seafood and and I feel like appreciated and it's it's it's kind of nice to be part of the world. Because I've always felt like an outcast. Like, I'm way over here and everyone's over there and there's no way I can get to them because I'm weird. I don't know how else to explain it. But The Steps teaches me that there's a place I can go to that people will understand me. Alcoholics, and there are so many in this community. I remember going to meetings, and then I would lie about going to a lot of meetings. Well, it's kind of hard to, like, I don't know, factor in how many meetings did I actually go to. I used to go to N.A. because the courts told me to, and I went to N。A., and, like I didn't really see anything good happening because I wasn't ready. This is a disease of perception, and I'd see all the bad in everything, and that's why I never could understand. Like, how can you tell an alcoholic that things are good when I already know everything's horrible? and I'll never amount to nothing I'm going to mess this up my first year of recovery was so difficult I even thought about suicide after I tried and I didn't know how to stop but I was thinking maybe that's just not the answer just for today there's actually something in the big book that I wanted to quote this is on the top of page 28 in the big book a new life has been given us or if you prefer a design for living that really works now this was pointed out to me by a guy i um i really look up to. It's before a lead I did at the Northside, and it's always kind of stuck with me. My new design is waking up in the morning in the a.m. I used to just wake up at 6 p.m., and forge an evening sheet, and just be a sketchball in transitional, but like nowadays things are different. I wake up in The A.M., I pray if I want to live, you know. I don't always remember to pray, but I try my best, and then I go to work. I show up on time. I work as hard as I possibly can and then i can go get off work i can take a shower then after that if someone needs a ride great i'll pick them up sponsee will do step work if we're scheduled to and then I go to a meeting I try and get what I can get out of it and I try share you know I should share more often I know that um working on sharing more uh so so yeah and then like after that I'm done and I drop off the sponsee and like i can i can stay sober one more day and i can be alive and in in the very beginning all i wanted was to be happy because i've never been happy you know um i i don't know why it turned out like this like my family was always good to me they wanted the best and i was always like a really kind of like a depressed kid you know and i don' t know if i it or what. I was like, I need to be, I want to be happy and they told me you can be happy. You just got to do the work and the more work I do, the more free I am and that might not make sense. It's like in the beginning I thought this AA thing is a burden. It is my punishment for using drugs. Now I am an addict and my life is over but really my life has just begun. and I did an amends with my uncle and he said you're still young enough and even if I was a lot older you're Still Young Enough to make something of yourself in my head I'm making something of myself right now because I'm here for the now and I want to live in the moment but I also have goals I don't want to work at the restaurant forever but it's a job so am I going too long? yeah I think I'm going too far We're enjoying it Okay Yeah I guess that's my new design My old design was You heard it Going in and out of institutions Using money that was meant to be for college Going to jail And warrants for my arrest All the time And then probation been on probation twice a lot of other people have 10 felonies and been to prison a bunch of times I listen to those stories and I'm like, man if you can do it, then maybe I can do It because people addiction isn't new, it's been around forever but now we have AA and we've got a solution now. It's kind of nice so I'm grateful for AA and I think that's all I've got Thank you.