The Newcomers Who Still Have a Hole in Their Gut – Bill S.

My name is Bill Smith. I'm an alcoholic. I'm sold through the grace of God in a fellowship called Alcoholics Anonymous. I think I want to thank Mike for asking me to come down. I'll let you know later. Boy, I want to welcome the people that raise their hand as newcomers. And maybe you're still four or five years sober and you've still got this big hole in your gut. Welcome. Because as you hear my story, I'm not a hooker upper, you know what I mean? I don't join nothing. Maybe you do. I'm so wrong. Oh yeah, I've got to give my sobriety date. We think this is my sobrietty date. October 18th, 1975. If I'd have known all that stuff back there was going to be this important, I'd try to remember some of that stuff. I had no idea I was going have to tell you what it used to be like because I can't. I know there's some stories I don't tell no more because my brother told me I was telling a story how I got out of jail and my brothers come and got me. Had all that part right. I just had the wrong city. And I didn't even know that until I was sober over 20 years. We're going out to my brother's living in Florida. We're go into our favorite restaurant on the beach and we're going by through Treasure Island. He said, remember when we came and got you out of jail there and you put us out of the car and left us standing on the corner? I said, if you listen to them tapes, I told everybody that was Madeira Beach. He turned the car around and he said, that is a jail. I won't tell that story no more. So I'm going to do my best to tell you what I can remember about what it used to be like. But, you know, that's not really... You know, if you're new here, you just introduce yourself as an alcoholic. I know now I didn't know that when I come in. You've just given yourself a death sentence. That's the way I understand it. You know? I hear people sound like they've got options, but you need to read the big books. And we, the agnostics, the second step tells you real quick find her spiritual way of life or go on to the bitter end. There's not a door three. You know what I mean? Find her. I used to do that, you know. Look, you now, right away they really like me because I'm a fun guy and after about a week they wasn't sure. After a couple of weeks, you know, the doors and locks are changed. get a better job. I used to do that and be a no-call, no-show. You know, but I have alcoholism and I'm a guy that talks a lot about the physical allergy. Now if you listen to all the top speakers they don't, but I do because I'm not going to give you nothing that I've learned in AA. I'm trying my best to stick to my experience and I don't speak you know, I'mnot a speaker for AA and there's people around that's great speakers that one guy said, if you think like I do, you're doomed. But another guy said that if you Think Like I Do, You Don't Do It. So I only give one pitch. One guy said this and one guy says that. So what I finally found out about alcoholism is I was born in a family where I was raised right. I mean, I never heard my mother and father cuss. They went to church a lot. I never seen them smoke, drink. I never see none of that. And I've got three brothers that just excelled at life. My mother used to say, I've Got Three Sons and Him. She said to me one time, we don't know what to do for you. I'm thinking a couple of hundreds would help. All them guys, we all paid, this is back in the late 50s or early 60s, We all paid $15 RF&B, room food and beverage. Everybody paid rent except me. I had the best job, but I just didn't seem to get a home on my paycheck. My brothers did. I would get paid on Friday. I would show up Sunday broke, and my mom had a third-grade education, and boy, she was easy. And I tell her, you know, I'm broke. I need some money. And she said, Billy, you need to change and all that. and all the time she's reaching for a purse, you know. The other boys would pay the $45 and I'd borrow it, you know. And when I went to make my amends years later, you know, after I got sober and they wrote my list out, my mom was at the top of my list. I'm such a bad guy. I owed my mother more money than I did anybody else. And so my sponsor says, now that you've got a great job, I want you to send her a card for everything and put in there $100 bills. I said, I will but I'm going to tell you right now my mama sent them back I know my mother he says, I don't care send them anyway I'm here to report she never sent one back she kept them all and being the kind of lady that she was she explained to me why she said, one boy if something happens to me to get more than the other boys Billy, I didn't want the money but I wouldn't want you to get more than Sam and David. And I thought, yep, Mom, that's you. That's the way you are. So I was raised right. I just turned left. I sort of fell out of place, but I hear some guys like David. You know, I was a pretty good mixer. I played ball, played center field, couldn't hit worth a crap. I'd tell everybody I could. But now I'm telling the truth, wasn't much of a hitter, but I could go get that baseball. You couldn't get it any harder in any place that I couldn't go get it. I ran some marathons after I got sober. I was 46 years old and ran a three-hour marathon and tore a muscle in my leg. I don't know how fast I was that day, but I was cooking. If you know anything about marathones, you know 309 ain't too bad for an old dude. So I had talent and all that, and I just joined the Navy. I had a couple of beers along the course. I didn't come falling down drunk. I joined the Army. I joined in the Navy to see the world and became a drunk. Just that simple. I went from... They talk about crossing a line. I leaped across it. I didn't cross. One day I'm not a drinker, and the next day I am a drunk. And I spent the rest of my life being a falling down drunk. I am what Silkworth talks about. Once I take a drink, I am not drinking to escape or nothing. I am only drinking because I took a drink. Because a phenomenal craving sets in. And Silkworth says it is not wrong not to talk about the physical. He says it's incomplete. which means there's something else wrong with me other than the spiritual part. I have a spiritual sickness that will always drive me back. And what it does is, without having this power, there'll come a time in my mind when I just can't pick up... You know, I hear a guy... I heard from the podium, I've heard this, right? If you can't remember your last drunk, you haven't had it. I thought, dang, I don't have a clue what happened on my last drink. So I'm telling everybody, I don'T think I'VE HAD MINE because I CAN'T REMEMBER. Thank God they wrote the big book. Read the book. It's in there, right? So we can't even remember a month ago. I said, whoa, boy, am I glad they put that in there. We can't remember the pain and stuff of a month ago, week ago, or month ago, much less 30 years ago for Christ's sake, you know. Boy, amI glad they Put that in There. I hear this all. I hear a lot of information up here. It doesn't apply to me because I go get the book, you know, your guy say I'm well since I can't stand the way I feel. Well, read the stories. I always talk about them stories. Everybody talks about first Jeff, second Jeff. I like their stories. First one's Jim, right? Car salesman. A little irritable. He's working for a guy that he used to own the company. Now he's working. That sort of me off a little bit too, you know what I mean? Well, it would, right. But he's in a bar, and he's in a restaurant, and he's going to sell a car. He's not there to drink. He's there to sell a car, right? And all of a sudden, the thought comes to his mind, I'll put a little whiskey in the milk. Well, I don't know about you. That makes sense to me. I remember a guy telling me, if you would drink some olive oil, he was Italian. I'm not. I don' t know what I am. My last name is Smith. I could be anything, you know. Well, it could be. you know polka captain john smith he nailed pocahontas first thing so you know you know so it could be anything you know what i'm saying don't have a clue right so jim says you don't put a little in the milk right makes sense so i took that olive oil drink some olive oil all you do is get drunk and you got stuff coming up you ain't never seen before you know don't work but the thought sounds good and your alcoholic that makes sense can't happen if i do it on a full stomach i used to people hit people used to tell me you know you need to eat a lot before you drink because you get too drunk i get too drunken once i take a drink i have to take another drink that's the reason i get i was telling these guys here there was a guy when i come in thank god for guys like this we called him catfish john he couldn't catch of Cass Bishop. His life depended on it, but they called him that. And he used to say the exact nature is my wrong and I'd go. I'm waiting for I'm insecure or I can't stand the way I feel. I said what is it John? He says the exact natural is my wrong. I continue to drink while drunk. I said God, that's what's wrong with me. They all say let's go get drunk. Then I get drunk and they all go home and I keep drinking and I'm already drunk. I've already accomplished what I set out to do if you're an alcoholic It ain't, you know, it ain't that I have a choice once I pick up a drink. I didn't know that. I didn' t know that I couldn' t take 15 and cut it off. If you' re an alcoholic of my type, once you pick up the drink, all bets are off. You' re done. All I know is I don' t need to drink today. But let me tell you something if you' r new here. If I take a drink, I will need to d rink today. And I will ne d to drink tomorrow, and I will not have a choi se. But I love Jim. And then he got drunk. Then my next man is the guy with 25 years, because if you hear my story, I stayed sober quite a while on my own when I come out of the hospital. And he quit 25 years. Not only was he not uptight, not only that, he says he was happy and he was really successful. In fact, if you read there, it says every means available, which means this cat had a lot of money. You know what I mean? Cat was loaded. Right? then my favorite guy is Fred on page 41 I love Fred because everybody's going I can't stand the way I feel when I'm sober so I drink I can stand theway I feel I canstand thewayIdrink and so Fred just signed a contract there's not a cloud on the horizon nothing's wrong with him he's feeling really good he's happy, his partners are going to be happy because he just signed the big contract says there's nothing wrong all of a sudden the idea will come into his head that he'll have a few drinks, a few cocktails. The two things that all three of them have in common is this and this is what destroyed me and I didn't know it. All three of him failed to enlarge their spiritual life and all three of them once they started drinking were unable to stop on their own. Jim stopped in an asylum, went back to the asylum. A man with 25 years was in the hospital within two years. He was dead in less than four years, so that's how he stopped. And our good friend Fred bombed out back in the Hospital. And I joined the Navy to see the world and became a drunk. I was arrested 11 times. I'm not going to give you a long thing. There are a lot of things you can do in the Navy, but you can't miss the boat. I was in Japan. I went into one of them houses where they had the two things I really liked. I wouldn't always like this. I used to be bashful. I'm not anymore. I don't care. This is it. Whatever you see is what you get, you know. I don'T try to be something I'M NOT. My sponsor told me, and I'll tell you that story because that's a great story. I DON'T try TO BE. I JUST TRY TO BE THE BEST BILLY SMITH I CAN BE. AND THAT'S ALL YOU'RE GOING TO GET TONIGHT. NINTH GRADE EDUCATION AND ALL. YOU KNOW, THAT'S WHAT I'M GOING DOING. WENT INTO OUR HOUSES AND, YOU KNOW. I'VE GOT TOO MUCH OF BOTH, I GUESS. ANYWAY, WHEN I COME OUT ON THE DOCK, THE SHIP WAS LEAVING. and it was gone, and they put me on an Air Force crash boat. And I had went up for third class. I was third class petty officer. I was a radio operator. And I made seaman of the month in the Navy because we was out at sea for a month. And they come out with people taking a volunteer flu shot. This was before they come up with it, and they asked for volunteers, and I took it. They were giving volunteer flu shots. I said, give me one. And everybody got the flu, but us guys that took the shots, we didn't get it. And I wound up working like, working at Speed Key for like 6 to 14 hours every day. When I come back, they made me see them in a month. And it's been a big thing. Give me a week's liberty if anything you know about service. I just had to pick up the phone and call. I didn't even have to come back to the ship for a week. After three days, you have to call every three days and tell us you're still alive. I'm drunk, but I'm alive. I'm over at George's. And when I came out, I come up that ladder and the old man says, You got anything to say? and I was planning on making a career out of the Navy because I knew I wouldn't do very good outside and they took all my stripes. They busted me down from third class down to seaman and the tests come back and I'd pass and I've made second class petty officer and I thought I was mad at the Navy. Thought they did me a bad deal. The day I got out of Navy, everybody got out but me. I was celebrating getting out. I went on a three-day drunk. My blood pressure was so high. I was 22 years old, and they wouldn't release me. They said, we can't let you go because I've got to give you the number. It wasn't good, I guess. They turned everybody loose, discharged everybody. It may have kept me an extra six or seven hours. I got my blood pressure down. And the day I got out of there, maybe I got locked up with the Long Beach police. So I said, I need to get out of California. This is not a very good place for me. And so I called my mom and dad. They lived in Florida. I said I'm on my way home. I should be there in a few days. The Navy gave me $800 checking out money. Forty-six days later, I showed up in St. Petersburg, Florida by the way of Chester, Illinois. And if I think that old car I had is still sitting somewhere in Illinois, I don't have a clue. I lost it. I called my dad and told him if he would send me $56, which was the story of my life. I'll come to Florida." And they sent me, and I got on the bus. Went to Florida. I did what it said in the big book. I straightened out really good for about six months. I controlled my drinking. I got a job with General Electric. I went over there and applied for a job, and they said, I put down what I did and all that. I had no education. And they said the only thing that we got is a janitor's job. And I said, I'll take it. And within six months, I was in a lab making these things that go into these missiles, and just took off. I'm like the guy you fill up with helium, you know what I mean? I just really take off. And then I just fade. If you miss five days, they fire you. I miss 28, they wouldn't fire me, so I just quit. You know, a nine to five... You know I'd get it and then that ain't it. Some of you guys know what i'm talking about. And I'd git it and that ain' it. and went to work for a commercial fishing company and I thought I found heaven. But it did, it was a boatload of drunks and that's exactly what they were, they were drunks. I worked with one guy who was an old guy, he drank Maalox and whiskey because his stomach was so bad but Bo could just have a few drinks and drink some Maalax and he didn't get stupid down like I did. He didn't miss the boat and I missed that boat. You know, and they just wanted to fish and get drunk, and I wanted to fishing and get drunken and tell them how to run the company. They didn't seem to appreciate it, and they fired me for that job. Went to work for a roofing company in Florida. I lasted a half a day there. And my dad wouldn't pick that check up. I wouldn't even go back and get it. And when I told my mother, I said, you know something, honey? I'm going to Las Vegas. And my little gray-headed mom looked at me and she says, you knows something, honey, I'm gonna help you pack. She said, we don't know what to do for you. I said, there's something wrong with you. And I thought, yeah, I'm going to need to get out of Florida. I had a piece of paper that said if I was caught driving in Florida, I'll automatically start pulling time. Well, that's not a good thing. You know, and so I come over to that mountain in Las Vegas and I thought I found heaven. A friend of mine says, here's a number my brother is calling and he'll hook you up. and I come across that mountain and went into the Fremont Hotel and had a beer just to check everything out and woke up drunk and broke. And wound up on the streets in Las Vegas and I called this guy and he let me live on his couch for like two months and then he asked me to leave. And I wound up walking up and down Fremant Street with everything I owned in a carnation box. If I had $40 in my pocket and you asked me how I'm doing, I'm going good. Everything's fine, dude. I don't need no company because I don�t share, you know. I got it right here, you know. And one time I had this little bitty � I take them guys I sponsor down and show them where I used to live all the time and had this place and I come back and they had boards nailed up on it and they had all my stuff in there. I had two white shirts that wasn�t white, a pair of black pants that had a hole in the back. I was the only crap dealer in the Las Vegas club that wore apron in the front and an apron in the back holes in the back of my pants, and I went up, and the guy wouldn't let me have my stuff. It wasn't worth three cents to nobody else, but it was everything that I owned, and it was just everything for me, and I went back down, and I had like three or four dollars, and I went down and started shooting craps. That way, I can get a free drink, and I won a lot of money, a lot, 70 bucks. you don't get it if you broke you ain't got nothing $70 is a lot of money and I went back and flashed it at that guy that had my stuff nailed up right I want my stuff you know and I'm thinking he gave me my room back and he handed me my stuff and he said you ainít getting the room back you ainí staying here and I thought boy that alone that wow i think i got gypped this don't look like enough you know and wind up walking them down the street and uh i was unable to hold my head up step on them hot cigarettes used to piss me off because you guys wouldn't put them out because i had holes in the bottom of my shoes and i had a job at the las vegas club i was a started out as a shield that's a guy that starts the game if any of you know about vegas and they give you a dollar an hour i worked seven days. My first paycheck was $41. I thought I made a score. Let me tell you about my three brothers real quick. One of them owns his own company, still does. He only does, he does two cabinet jobs a year. He just did Ethan Allen for the furniture people. He does those kind of jobs that hundreds of thousands of dollars just to do kitchens and he'll do two a year, he won't do no more than that. One time he had a big company, now he's got it down to just him. And my other brother just built a home on the beach on Carolina Beach. I'm not talking about back, I'm talking about on the sand. Three stories and they wrote him a half a million dollar insurance policy and the guy that owned the company he worked for Shiffman Chemical called him, wanted to know if they treated him right and if there was anything they could do for him. And my other brother put the airports in for the federal government. I was raised with the same opportunities as them boys. They are not alcoholic and I am. And I tell one thing you put the drink from me or anything else i will take the drink even though i know it destroyed me even though I know it's injurious I will pick it up and drink it and that's just the family I'm from and I come out to Vegas and I wound up and I met a cocktail waitress and she's the Eskimo in my life and she really sick right now her name is Inga and if you believe in prayer like I do um put her in your prayers uh I had coffee with her before I come down here she always told me to break a leg and I tell her, you know, I'm too old to be traveling. She said, Billy, if they didn't want you to do this, they wouldn't ask you. You need to do what you're asked to do because you have a great life. One of the things that caused the biophilic synonymous. I met this lady. She had three or four things I really liked. Four, and actually she was a cocktail waitress she had a well I don't know what you like she had a car, I didn't have a car she had an beautiful apartment and she really loved Billy Smith for the first time in my life I come off the street I decided to go to a hospital and straighten my act up And I knew I couldn't detox by myself, so I checked in for stomach trouble. I didn't check in for alcoholism. I was about 29 years old and 28 or 30, I'm not sure much. But the years, they just don't compute, so they're not sure between 25 and 30. And I checked-in, and I was in that hospital. I don't remember how many days. I checked into Samson Clinic in Santa Barbara. The Sahara Hotel sent me down there because I was such a bad shape. They told me there was a guy down there that could help people like me, and I still remember his name, the doctor. And he sat on the side of my bed and told me that if you drink anymore, you're going to die. Your liver and everything is quitting on you, Billy. I'm telling you, you are one of those people that can't drink. If you drink any more, you'll go to hell. You're going dead. I tell everybody he didn't mention AA. I don't even know if that's true or not. But I'm tell you from the bottom of my heart, if you said it, I didn't hear it. So I made up my mind. I'm not the kind of guy you want to jump in the ring with. I mean, you might whip me this time, but you better bring a lunch because I'm coming again. You know, I just keep coming. I mean I don't give up. And I knew when it come time to quit drinking that I would be able to do it. And I come back and told myself that's enough. And I walked in and I told Inga, I said if you take one drink, I'm gone. She says, Jesus. I said, I am telling you. The guy said if I drink anymore, I will die. So if you drink, so if you make one drink. Because somehow I knew if she would, if she took a drink, I would. I knew that. And I didn't know why, but I just knew if she picked up one, I'm having one. She went to AA, as you'll hear later on. She's not an alcoholic. And so I stayed sober, I'm not sure, anywhere from six to eight years, somewhere in there. And I got a job at Sahara. I had a really good job. I started showing up for work every day. I did everything right. They just loved me. They used to send guys out from the crap schools, go out to Sahara, watch Billy Smithfield. There was two more guys, Billy Rodriguez and George Hitchens. Go watch these guys deal. These guys show they know how to keep it clean and how to deal and go watch them deal. I've got a great reputation as far as my job comes. My attitude was another story. Locked in the pissed-off position. No teeth. None. and people used to say he's nuts you better stay away from him but i could deal i used to the game get real big and real thick they'd say go over and take him out deal that game and so that kept my job for him my talent for and my sponsor one time i told him we used to split the money four ways i used tell him i make all the money and i said you know i should get more than a fourth because i do all the work and he said are you really that good i said well they say i am he said when you go home tonight you thank god that he gave you the talent to give it to somebody else And that was the end of that story. So, you know, so I stayed there. And one day I'm playing golf. I'm paying with Mickey Mantle's two brothers, Roy and Ray. Both of them died of this disease, I believe. And I got to remember this because I had a truck, a boat, fishing poles. I love the fishing stuff. I had six-year-old daughter, beautiful wife at home that took care of Billy and a good job and everything in my life is really good. And the morning I took a drink, I had no idea. I wasn't mad at nobody. I was playing in a tournament. I'm not a Tiger Woods, but I was killing that golf ball. I was in third place, and first place was $4,000. It was a little local thing there, and I knew I was going to win it, you know, because I'm just crushing that golfball. And Gloria Ray, one of them, offered me a drink. And I've got to remember, I took it like it was a glass of ginger ale, just like I haven't had one in a long time. Give me one. Now, my mind didn't say, hold on, dude. Let me talk to you a minute, right? Because the alcoholic mind, when it comes time to drink, will never give you the picture. It just won't. Let me tell you this. Let me just talk to your for a second. Don't you remember that you lived on Fremont Street? Don't You remember that You got fired from a job for a dollar an hour that nobody wanted? You know, I went to sign in one time and the guy looked at me and said, don't sign in. I said, Ray, Jesus, You fire a guy for missing a day? He said, Billy, today's Friday. I said, okay, when's the last time I was here? He said, Monday. I said no kidding, I've been gone three days. I had not a clue. I thought I was gone one day, you know. My mind didn't say, you don't know. You know, this is what happens to you. Don't you remember you land in the bed and the doctor says, did you drink anymore? If you're alcoholic of my type, it ain't going to happen. The book says we can't even remember a week or month ago, right? And when I drank that drink, this is What Happened. I drank two drinks and nothing happened. If you knew here and you go back out and you take a drink i hope you go to jail hope your wife kicks you out i hope every bad thing in the world happens to you except die but i hope really bad things happen to you if you don't maybe you'll tell yourself the same thing i told mine i went on clothing i said look i had two beers at the golf course today and i don't even want another one and she started screaming jesus you nuts don't you remember i said inga look i don'T EVEN WANT ANOTHER i said i wasted seven good years of drinking she says you are insane i said i'm telling you i don't even want another one my neighbor come over and said uh here you had a beer at the golf course won't you come on over i said hell i'll be right over two weeks later i'm falling down drunk and let me tell you in the stories in the big book let me Tell You About My Story I Had A Beer At The Golf Course And I Drank 14 Months And Every Day I'd Get Up And Tell Myself I Can't Do This And I'd Be So Sick and I didn't know I had this phenomenal craving I didn' t know that once I took a drink that I didn''t have a choice and she'd be screaming I'd be over the sink in the kitchen trying to get that drink down and it'd come up and I'd swallow it and it would come up and I''d swallow it and she''d be screaming and I said let me get a couple of down and I'll be alright and then all of a sudden I'd go what's all the fuss hey we're alright and two hours later I'm blind drunk because I've had a drink and once I pick it up, I can't control it. Page 44 to the top of the page, this is what it says. If you start to drink and you can't control it, you're probably alcoholic. And if you've ever really sincerely tried to quit and you couldn't, welcome to Alcoholics Anonymous. Another page that I think is 64, it says not only am I spiritually sick, I am physically and mentally ill which means Is there something wrong with my mind that will not let me not pick up a drink? That's one leg of the stool. Once I pick it up, I have absolutely no control of the second leg of the stool, then I'll have an emptiness that will always drive me back. I told a guy, he talked, I said, if you can control your drinking, what are you doing in the day? He said, well, I can have three drinks any time I want to. I haven't seen him since. So he's probably telling me the truth. But I'm not that type. I'm the type that once I pick It up, I must have another drink and I'm telling you, I know the day. It's not if I drink again, it's just when. And the Alcoholics Anonymous keeps the drink pushed out far enough that I haven't picked it up. It's always out there for Bentley, always. And it took me a long time to understand that I will drink again. So that's so important for me to do AA. It's funny how I got here because you think a guy that bad would pick up the phone and call Alcoholics Enormous? Not happening. Not me, dude. I ain't calling nobody. I ain't asking for help. I don't need no help. I'll handle this myself. But this little lady I was married to who was smarter than me, she started cutting me out of the bedroom. And I didn't like that too much. And in 1975, she told me she was going to take me to a dance. And what she did was she took me to an AA meeting. It was a dance, but it was the next night. It was the 1975 roundup of Alcoholics Anonymous. And this is what I hope happens tonight. I hope there's one of me sitting in the room tonight that I can turn your light on. That's all I want to do. They touched my spiritual light and I didn't know it. I didn' t have a clue what happened to me that night. Not a clue. God didn' d come down, knock on my door, said we got your attention. He didn' l say that. I'm trying to get into the bedroom and it worked. It was a good thing as far as I was concerned. Well, I don' t know how you got here. I hear people say, if you don't come here for yourself, you're here for the wrong reason. That's not true. It doesn't make any difference how you get sitting in a room. I know a good friend of mine, he just died not too long ago. He went to the judge for trying to throw his little Jewish mama off of a seven-floor story, off a big building. And the judge said, you either go to AA or you're going to prison. And he told his lawyer, I don't know what that AA is, but I know what prison is. Let's go there. And he'll tell you, he never took a drink, never smoked nothing, and didn't make a bet for the whole time until the day he died. And all because of the judge's sinning. So God touched him that day. And so I hope, I hope that the light in me touches the light in you like they touched me that night. I went all weekend. I can tell you... For a guy that wasn't listening, right? I can still tell you who the speakers were. Father Hillary, Tom O'Sullivan, Johnny Harris, Nancy Stewart. and I can still tell you what they say. Isn't that weird? And I wasn't even listening. I was very... Right? And I remember Father Hillary saying, we don't care how the mule got in the ditch, let's just get him out. And I asked this guy, what the heck does that mean? He said, we don'T care why you're an alcoholic, let's jut do something about it. I said, oh, you know. I went all weekend, I didn't go to a meeting, I come home like two or three days later and I come back home one night and I walked in the house and I told him, as soon as you fix supper I'm going to an AA meeting. I've never seen a fixed supper that fast in my life. And what happened was and I hope it happens for you it became my idea to go to Alcoholics Anonymous and once it became my idea to go down to Alcoholic Anonymous everybody's been trying to get me help for years but it has to become your idea to go pick a sponsor. I mean they're available But you have to go ask them. It's got to be your idea. Once it became my idea to go to AA. So I went to AA, and for you new people, this is what I did. I sat in a room. They say, any newcomers? I'm Bill. And that works pretty good, but I was going to two or three a day for 30 days. And I'm bill. And now they're starting to stare because when's he going to say it? And I go like this. Come on outside, and we'll talk about it, you know. One day I went, my name is Bill and, you know. From a distance they're going, you keep coming back. You know, and I was sitting in the back of the room like this, locked in the pissed-off position. And right before my 30 days was up, I raised my hand and I said, my name isn't Bill and I'm an alcoholic. I also could have said, astronaut, brain surgeon. Hey, I'm a street kid. You want to hear alcoholic? I'll tell you, it don't mean nothing to me. If I could care less, you know. But right now, I'm not drinking. You know, I am going to work every day. Things are pretty cool, so I am going to stay here a little bit longer. I am not going to leave yet. I know that there will come a time I am gong to drink. I know That. I don't have the slightest problem with that. I Know I am going to drink, but right now I am Not drinking and I Am going to settle for this, you Know. And they said, Why don't you get a sponsor? And I said, Why don' t you mind your own business? Why don''t you work the steps? I said why don't you come on outside and I will show you some steps. I will knock you off the roof. You know, I'll knock you off with this first one here, you know. I said, do me a favor. Do me a favorite so I don't hurt you and I don' t hurt me. Leave me alone. There was a guy called Catfish John who could care less. Just seen right through it. Him and George Hargraves and Ed Grabney. They started making me come over to the house and fix fences. One day he said, are you coming over? I said no, Inga wants me to do some painting. That's what John was, a professional painter. He's not a guy I would have drank with. And he said, I'll come over and help you. I said, that's okay, John. I'll do it myself. And he screamed at me. What kind of friend are you? I said Jesus Christ, what are you talking about? He said, don't you feel good when you come over and help me? I said yes. He said then why don't give me a chance to feel good and let me come over to help you? I said well come on. We paint the whole dang house. And so that's what we did. We wound up painting and God finally loved the fish and he said go fishing with me. I said all right. And if you're new, don't go fishing in a small boat with an old-timer. Don't do it. Absolutely disastrous. We fished all night. They talk AA all night long. I told them if they didn't shut up, I was going to use them for an anchor. You know what I mean? Just talk us AA. You can do this thing. I'm thinking, why? Why would I do this? Why would i do this, man? I was sober a year. I went to the Atlanta club. I'm waiting for everybody to congratulate me. Nobody did. I didn't tell them I was sober a year, but I thought they should have known. I've been coming around there every day, two or three meetings a day. It's the only thing that saved my life. And if you're new here, I was doing it as good as I could and as fast as I Could. I couldn't have done it any different. That was my road, and actually I'm telling you about my road. God said, you know, let him just show up. He ain't able to do nothing else and just go to meetings. I went to the Lion Club one morning on my day off at 10 o'clock and I left at 11 o' clock at night because they closed and they kicked me out. and I sat there all day long. I don't think two people said hello to me sitting there like that, but I didn't drink, and I went home, and I come out of the Triangle Club one day. I'm sober, I don' know, 14, 15 months, and I knew when I got in my car I wasn't going to get home. Once again, this loving God put the right person in my life. I turned around, and it was a guy there called Ted Davis, and I heard he'd had good luck with people like me, and I said, will you please be my sponsor? And before he could say anything because I hate rejection, and I still do, I said I'll do anything you tell me, And that's the wrong thing to tell Ted Davis. And he said, okay, and this is what he told me. He said, Billy, it would be an honor to be your sponsor. That floored me. He said I want you to be over at my house at 1.30 today. I said, well, I didn't mean today. He said didn't you just? I said okay, I'll be there. And it always was like that. He said I want to go on the 12 step list. He didn't say nothing about doing the steps. He said, I want you to go on a 12-step list. I said, what's that? He said you pick up drunks and you bring them there. I said well Ted, the only bad thing about that is I'm not a real alcoholic. Not what the book talks about. He says oh tell them that. They're going to like that. Yeah, that's good. I said you don't understand Ted. I am so angry. Geez, I'm going to tear people's face off. He said tell them hat. Boy, they're going love you. He said here's what I want your name on it. Here's what you're going do. I don't want you be nothing if you're not. Don't try to give them nothing. Just pick them up and bring them to the Triangle Club and turn them over there. And so that's what I did. I started picking you guys up, and I found out later my sponsor went down there and told them, don't call him all the time because they call me all the times because I always go. So they just put a little star by my name and they just called me like two or three times in one day. He said, you can't do that because he's taking them to meetings and he can't take that many. So go back and take the star off his name or whatever you did. And I'd pick you up, right? And when you're drunk, you know what you want to do, right, You want to talk, right? Guys would start saying, well, when I start to drink, I can't stop. And I know I'm an alcoholic. I said, well you sound like me but you don't look like me so shut up, you know. I'm just taking you to the meeting. I'm not the guy, you Know what I mean? I pick another guy up, You know, and they go, You Know, I've been trying to stop for years. And I thought, God, I've tried to stop For 11 years. And I Know I Can't, I Know, I'm An Alcoholic. And I say, Hmm, You Now What I Mean, Get Him To The Meeting. I said, here's another one, you know. But I picked him up and I picked him up. And all of a sudden people started saying hello to me. They said, he's really active and hadn't done step zero. Come out of the meeting one day and the kid says, will you please be my sponsor? I screamed at him. I said I don't know what I got but I hope nobody catches it. Get away from me. I look around my sponsors give me that stupid finger. You know. Hate that finger. Come here. I says, what? He said, what did I tell you when you asked me to be your sponsor? I said, you said it would be an honor. He said then you go tell him that. He said it's not going to help him but it's going to help you because you're going to have to read the book and you're gonna have to start doing the steps he said because you don't want to hurt him. And I thought, that's right, I don't. So I went and got the book and I started reading and started trying to find out and I go over to Ted and I said this is step one, huh? And he said yeah. And I said we're the agnostic and the kid was a lot smarter than I thought he was. A couple of weeks later, he got a real sponsor, you know. Thank God for him, you Know. But it pushed me, you Now. And then I tried to do a four-step and I couldn't. And he said, I want you to go to a retreat and that's where I met Father Don Lynch. He turned my whole life around. He said, You're raising that southern religion. When you get up in the morning, you're wrong. I said, Right. he said what if I told you God put you here to love you so you could love another human being and I thought yeah I can do that he said what we doing alcoholism that's right and I come out of that retreat wrote that four step and it just went right on paper my sponsor says when are we going to do the fifth I kept telling him we ain't done with the fourth this went on over a year finally he said bring me what you got I said let me go home and finish it I never added another word to it I just didn't want to tell another human being exactly what I was like I'm about halfway through that fifth step and I told him I said I can't believe I'm doing this with you and he he said don't you understand why and I said no I don't he said Billy you trust me and I thought that's right Ted I do trust you he said I want you to go out and he said it don't go home like the book says I want to go to the park by yourself and I want you to come over the five photos that you just went through I want your think about your death because I didn't get even my father I got even with my mom but I didn t get a chance to eat my father died in my early my sobriety and uh and it just bothered me and uh i went down and seen right before he died and i didn't go to the funeral and everybody wanted to know where billy was and i told my dad i said i'm not going to come down here and see you in a box and he says i don't blame you it was okay between me and debbie it wasn't okay and i tell you one thing that's the biggest mistake i ever made in my life because the funeral is not for the dead it's for the living it's für der familie es für die people das lebt und ich bin able zu nehmen die Leute die I sponsored him, and he just had a kid one time. And this is sort of the way the story goes. It's not too long ago, a few years ago, his mother was dying, and he didn't want to go to see him, and she was in a coma and all that. And I said, if you don't get on a plane and go see her, you'll regret it the rest of your life. And I told my mom and father. And I says, you better think it over and ask God to help you when you go to bed. And he called me the next morning early. He says, I'm going up to see her. He was standing there talking to her, and he says, Mom, if You hear me, squeeze my hand. And his mother squeezed his hand. If you know I'm here, squeeze my hand. And to this day, he says it's the greatest thing. So I took the mistakes I made and shared it with the other people. And I've made so many, I share more mistakes than I do good stuff. But I'm a mistake-type guy, boy. Step six and seven is the key for me because of all the things. You know, I stayed locked in a pissed-off position for like five years in AA. Just couldn't find a key and slowly started learning. And when I got to six and seven, and my creator, anything that stands in use between you and my fellows. And please don't judge me on this, but I'm from the South, and I was very prejudiced. And I go down, and I go to the Skid Row Detox. I go there all the time. I still do. I was there yesterday, and it's 20% white and 80% Mexican and black and oriental and that. And this is a few years ago, and I tell myself, no wonder you dumb son of a gun. You can't get this crap. I go home and I say, you can't be like that. I hear people say they can get on knees and pray two weeks and it works. I prayed like three or four years at least. God, I don't want to be like this. And I was and I'm still like that and I was and I go down there and one day I tell them guys, call me before you leave. I come home one day and my phone rings and this is August to be eight years ago. And a guy called me and said, you should call before you get out of here. So I'm calling now. I said, what's your name? He said, Jerome Jackson. I said Jerome, what do you look like? He says, well I'm black. I said Rome, I can tell that on the phone. I said I got a better idea. Just come stand out front. It takes me about 20 minutes to get down there and I'll be right down. And there I was. He had a little pencil mustache and he was 45 years old and he got in my truck And I said, you want to try this thing? He said, man, I can't live like this no more. I need some help. I said. I'm your man. I said just maybe. Just maybe we can fill up that hole you got in your gut and you can fill up this hole I got in mine. He said what are you talking about? I said I'll explain it to you later. Some other time. I said when's the last time you listened to Chick Hickey music? He says I never have. I said today's your first day. He said man, what are You about? I said that's who I am brother. That's what you got. I said, where are you from? He said, I'm from the hood. I said wait a minute, the only hood I know of is one on the truck. I don't know nothing about no hood. I said what did you do for a living? He said I've never had a W-2 form. I said hold on a minute. You had to work at McDonald's to do something. He said Billy, I've ever had a V-2 W-4 in my life. I said how old are you? He said 45 years old. I said holy Christ. I said what do you do? He said I'm coming from the hood. I said what the heck does that mean? Drugs and girls. I said, all right, how many times have you been in prison? He said, three. I said oh okay, now it's adding up. I said all right we'll start with day labor. He says I don't do day labor I said get out of the truck. He said whoa. I said no, no. No, no this is not negotiable. I ain't going to waste my time with you if you don't want to change. We'll start With Day Labor. Make a long story short he did day labor got a job in a hospital cleaning the pans went to work at a hotel on the strip cleaning the bathroom. Let me tell you what he does today. He couldn't get a driver's license. I knew some lawyers. I said, come on, I know some people. They looked at it and said, he's got to wait. Took him five years to get a driving license. But he got it, you know. Let me tells you what he does to date. He's a shift boss in charge of all the slots in a hotel. He made 12-step calls on the cat bus. You'd call him, he'd give you his number, and he'd get on a transportation bus and come and pick you up and take you to meetings. He goes back to detox. He's doing the meeting tomorrow because I won't be there at the homeless vet center. This is what I do in Alcoholics Anonymous. On Monday, I go to a men's stag on Monday most of the time. On Tuesday, I meet with my sponsor right now. I'm not doing it for the next 22 weeks. I'm going through the 12 steps again for like the third or fourth time completely through them. There's a group doing it. I'm sitting there. I'm learning more this time. I've been doing big book studies and step programming for years, but I'm going to them again because I just don't want to stop. I've got to keep changing because the same person will always go drink. On Wednesday, I go to the Samaritan House. It's a place where we house 43 guys. On Thursday, my home group meets, the Living Today group, starts at 730. On Friday, I goes to Skid Row Detox. And then that night, I'll go to Samaritans House. The second Friday of the month, I got to the prison up in Indian Springs. Every Wednesday at noon, I go to the Mojave Jails. I go more meetings because I sponsor a lot of people and they call me and say, I'll meet you. And so I still go to 10 to 12 meetings a week. And so we're almost 30 years. I'm in the middle of Alcoholics Anonymous. I just stay right in the center. I stay right there in the midst of it because that's where God's kids are. And I need you. When you're always around me, God can always work through me. I have a daughter that lives in the streets, been living in the street since she was 15. She's 36. I've seen her car today, but we haven't heard from them for a long time. She's living with a guy now that she wouldn't even have said hello to three years ago. And I understand that. I live in AA with a heavy, heavy heart. I really do. This kid has absolutely just blowed me away. People say, why don't you just turn it over? I heard a guy say from the podium one time, he says, you know, we do so much damage that once we leave here, we're glad you're gone. He's never had a kid that's out there because I'm always... I talked to a friend of mine, his son committed suicide. I said, how often do you think of Lenny? He says, every day of my life. I said have you ever been glad that he's gone? He says never Billy. I always wish he'd found alcoholics and moms. I said you know something, you're a good father. I said do you ever feel like you made a mistake? He says oh yeah. Do you ever fell like you was a bad father? Oh yeah. I said me too. He said Billy, that's not true. Look how you was raised. You was raised the same as them other three boys. Alcoholism doesn't have anything to do with that. There's a couple of things I want to tell you, and then I'll close this thing down. My sponsor means so much to me. And after 28 years, I had to change sponsors. My sponsor is 82 years old. His wife died. He married a real young girl, real young. And he started going to Mexico, and he just started having a good time, and we let him go. But I need a sponsor. And when I needed a sponsor, this guy Roger Leary started showing up at all these places I told him. All of a sudden, there he is. And so when God took one way, He always puts the next one in my life. And I have to believe like that. I cannot believe that God will abandon me just because I don't think good like I hear these people from the podium, you know. If you put my thoughts up there for one day, you would have a different speaker. I would not be your speaker because I still don't Think Good. I just don't act out of it, but I still think at you a lot, you knows. And I just, you Know, God does everything for me. So there's a guy in a hole and he's been in this hole for a long time and a doctor walks by and he yells up to the guy. In my case, I'll use my story because I was out there for 25 years. He'd been in a hole for 25 year as he tells the doctor will you please help me and the doctor writes some prescriptions and drops them into the hole and he leaves. Pretty soon the priest comes by and he yelled up to this guy and said listen I've been in this hole for 24 years will you help me? And the priest writes some prayers on the thing and drops him in a whole and leaves. And pretty soon my sponsor comes skipping along And I yell up, and I say, listen, I've been in this hole for 25 years. Can you please help me the way out? And my stupid sponsor jumps down in the hole. And I said, boy, are you stupid. Now we're both stuck in thishole. And my sponsor looked at me and said, no, we're not. I've Been In This Hole Before, and Now I Know The Way Out. And that's what sponsors are about. It's not about me forcing you to do nothing. It's just showing you what I did, telling you my experience, not what I've learned. This loving God that I have, I have an old yellow lab. And he's got no tail. It's a lab in something. It's an alcoholic dog. It's weird looking thing. And he is old. He has got lumps everywhere. He will be 11 years old pretty quick. He is getting to the end. And I just love him more than anything in the world. I take him out to the desert. We go out to this one desert. We've been going out there for 19 years. And he still trains so he can get away from me. He always finds me. I don't have to look for him. He comes and looks for me. He's field trained. He's really trained good. And we're out there one day, and the wind's blowing so hard that he got away from me. And I got up on this mound, and I looked out through this desert, and he has a bad heart. And I know he does. And I looked through this dessert, and there's no yellow dog nowhere. Come off that mound, I started crying. I said, God, you please got to help me. Help me find, don't let me leave this animal out here in this desert. You got to helped me. True story. Wasn't two seconds, here come a guy riding a bicycle in the middle of the desert down a path. Right? I start screaming. The guy says, what? I said, listen, I got a yellow lab out here somewhere in this desert. Have you seen him? He said, no, but there's one in the parking lot sitting by a white truck. So I go running back to the truck and there he sits, right? So I went and told Craig Clove, I went to tell Craig exactly what happened. I said you won't believe what happened He said Billy, that ain't what happened I said Craig, you wasn't there I'm telling you The guy come riding through the desert He said that ainít the way God works I said, Craig, I have to believe like that. I said. All right. How does he work? He said. This is what really happened. He said, Buddy was back at the truck going. Listen. I got this dumb redneck out in the desert. Will you please show him the way back to the truck? And maybe he does have a God like that, I hope so. I hear people say animals don't have spirits. I believe they do. You know, and so my daughter's name is Debbie. you can put her in your prayers um the 12th step what i try to do is i go to detox i keep cigarettes in my truck i never look down at them i don't try to force aa on them what i trying to do is i try be their friend had a kid getting out of detox he was supposed to say seven days he was staying four i said herb if you just stay three more days buddy he said billy i can't i can' t i said please and i'll get you next door he said really i just can't he said you still got them cigarettes in your truck i said sure come on so i gave him a pack of cigarettes and he got they give him a green band i said well you're gonna cut the band off he says no man i can get on the bus with that i think right street smart right i said here you can't get on without nothing so i take my pocket and i say here put this in your pocket i said do me a favor will you hurry up he said what's that i said don't forget me you know he said billy i would never forget you what i try to do is just leave the door open i don't try to say give him my lecture when i was walking up and down Fremont Street. I didn't need a lecture. I needed two dollars. You know, I need a drink. I don't need you to tell me I screwed my life up. I already know that for Christ's sake. I'm like this. I need to get like this. And if you can't do that, go away. I won't need no lecture, you know. So I always end my talk the same way and this is in the honor of my father. My father told me this story when I was really young. There's a horse race in North Carolina. And during this race, whoever wins this race is like the champion for a year. It's the biggest thing in this little bitty town. And all the fathers were in the winning circle except one. One father's back in the barn. And the guy in the bar says, why aren't you out in the winner's circle with all the rest of the fathers? And the man looked at the man in the bars and says, listen, if my son wins this race, nah, he won't need me. But if he loses, I'm going to be here for him. And I'll tell you one thing. I am so glad today that you were here for me when I got here. I am so glad that there's a thing called Alcoholics Anonymous when nobody else welcomes you. We say we're really glad you're here, and the difference is you mean it. So come and join us, get yourself a sponsor, put this process in your life, and come and stay in the winning circle with the rest of us. Thank you very much. Thank you.