The Difference Between Knowing and Understanding – Jim W.

Is it morning yet? I ran into a Yankee Catholic last night. She'd like to ruin me. catholic's bad on badness you know not supposed to mix them i understand i didn't get to go with them till i got to a if you go on that in december i'm not doing anything damn thing do this I just went last year had a hell of a time I'm a dry land farmer you know and I just was out there praying for sandstorm we did nothing but water but go on a diet before you go December that food is something else and they like me to eat all the time and lay in the sun and just have a miserable time I'd like to thank the committee for having me, now. I told them I had a quick plane because I never like to stay too long after a talk. You don't know how it's going to come out and you know how we are. We don't hear what we thought we ought to hear, we get upset. It was probably said we were just tied up at the time. But I love to come here I haven't been to Kansas City before Been to Wichita a lot And Omaha It's Nebraska, isn't it? Oh Johnny first With Bob and his lovely wife Had a big time there Got some sweet friends here Some people mean a lot to me But I am Jim Williams And I'm an alcoholic That Omaha bunch Really is strong, aren't they? You can tell us I know y'all are real nice nice, sweet, calm, conservative folks, and here comes Omaha. Well, whether you plan it or not, you had a good conference, so we'll screw it up. Tom was great Friday night, wasn't he? Really enjoyed it. Sean, I missed him. Always missed the one. I just, I walked by here at 1030, hell, they're still eating ice cream, but I'm on a diet, so I left. I said They didn't have a meeting last night. Yeah, they did. Did you see the program? Well, of course. I don't read the program. What the hell do you want to read the program for? We operate on faith, right? One day at a time. You're not supposed to know what's coming up. Somebody said, man, he was dynamite. God. Story of my life. And Karen, well, she knows. You know when you've got a perfect girl. She knows I love her. and Doug I hadn't heard him for he's from Texas he wasn't too bad did you think we're not too good down there but we struggle a lot you know they keep the sick ones keep calling us so the sick ones keep coming from Texas John you know I love you God we've had some sweet relationships that's developed over the years well let's wait cry at the end okay i'm really not supposed to be here it was really it wasn't planned my life was planned to be a southern southern baptist they're the ones you know that pray for the catholics catholics drink you know and episcopalians they just got tired being catholics Presbyterians, they knew it was going to happen. And the Methodists, of course, they just never did like water. I really wish I'd have been a Lutheran. They believe in doing everything just a little bit. I was raised in this little Baptist church out in northwest Texas, kind of like western Kansas where the sand blows and northerners come, and you can feel everything. And I got the feeling when I was around 13 years old. I didn't feel much, 1 through 13, that I remember. I just remember I was going to church all the time and didn't like it. And they'd sing stanzas for that one right back there. Hell, they'd point at you. And you just, God, your throat hurt. You hang in that seat as long as you can because you wasn't sure because they talked about people doing things that I thought I might want to do. And I was afraid if I joined them, I might be screwed up. Couldn't do it. And so finally, finally, finally I got to be about 13 going to that church and I got around this girl. Got those funny feelings. They said, we've been meaning to talk to you. See, I knew they had. They said you know we've been praying for you. Yeah, I know. It's not like AA. He said, saw Hank laying in the ditch last night. If he lives, we'll get him. And this bunch, you know They just hone in on you They say there's one getting ready to think it They can see it in your eyes And they know you're getting ready To think it God, we better pray for the son of a bitch We better get him quick Or he'll be gone If he gets a taste of that stuff He's gone Got around this little girl When I was about 13 And got those funny feelings and I told him about it said what you need to do is you need to get saved I didn't know what from hell I ain't done nothing the preacher would always say if you think it you might as well have done it well I knew I must be thinking it and I didn'y know what it was so then sure enough after they sang that last stanza for that right back there I came down the aisle and it's kind of like a except don't give out any chips they hug you kiss you tell you how great you are hell you know you're not but hell I liked it then they throw you in the tank the hanks are fleek you choke a little but hell you come out alright next day which school saw that girl came right back well we're gonna have to do it again didn't take he said no you just don't do it well they didn't know I didn't how to don't do anything I didn't know I didn' t know how to don' t do anything. I said, How do you don' te do it? Don' t think about it. I said I wonder why I didn''t think about that. I thought, Well, it's only 2 o'clock after. I'll just go ahead and think about the rest of the day. When I get up in the morning, I'll never think about this again. Got up the next day and thought about it more than I ever thought about before in my life. I had no idea that I'm the kind of guy when I start not to do it, hell, I'm going to do It all the time. And when I start not to think about it, that's all I'm going to think about. I used to try to wake up real quick before I could think about it. My folks would say things like, Jimmy would never want to do that. Yeah, I did too. Already done it once and getting ready to do it again. They'd say, Jimmy would never want to do that. Yeah, I did. He wants to do it. No, I didn't. I never wanted to do anything my folks knew I wanted to. And everything they knew I didnít want to, thatís exactly what I wanted. And I never could fit in. Iíd go places I didní want to go just so theyíd like me. Didnít like me any better or any worse. Never did catch on to that for years. Keep going. Didnít liked me. Finally, I got out of high school. Had to go to some school to get out of school. I don't think I was so dumb it's just that I was always tied up people didn't realize it sometimes I might just be sitting in the car but I'm really busy I'm tied up a lot of times I'm just occupied a lot people don't notice that I'm occupied a lot of times when people are talking to me they don't seem to appreciate it but I've just been tied up I've been tied up a lot different ways. Finally, this little town, they didn't sell that stuff where I was. We were pure. I want to tell you something, we were all pure where I lived. We didn't believe in drinking, thinking about it, doing it. They had a hard time having children. They didn't go with the bathroom anymore than they had to. Baptists think bad, you know. Thirty miles away was this little town, and it's wild and wicked. Had these honky-tonks, two of them, big town. I went over there and opened the door of that honky tonk. Me and this guy one night, one Saturday, opened that door of that honkey tonk, and there was that deacon with a warm girl in one hand and a cold beer in the other. I said, my God, let's get out of here. He'll tell Jesus on us. And we didn't even get to do it. That guy said, well, he can't tell anybody. He can't say anybody because he'll have to know he was over here. I said, yeah, but he's got a better shot with Jesus than we have. I had no idea he was happier than I had ever seen. And I liked the girl he was with on Saturday night a lot better than the one he was on Sunday morning. I'd see him every Sunday morning and I thought, well, he's just a deacon and deacons are just sad sacks. Now I know, hell, he is just tired we drank two beers didn't taste good didn't feel good I was glad to get out there he didn't see us and I wanted to get away from him so I knew he's gonna tell on me and the next day I went church first time I wanted go to church for life and I thought well maybe you get old enough, you don't have to go. Even a deacon. There he was, sad like he always was. Then I had my first spiritual awakening. Maybe you can do it a little bit and just don't tell anybody. God, I couldn't wait. That's before you could do things during the week. We ran back, took a bath and everything on Saturday. We run over there Saturday afternoon and I learned how to do everything but commit adultery. Probably would have done that, but I didn't know a lot about it and I'll get tied up. It's busy. You know, then if we do we don't know whether we're doing or not so hell, I didn' t know I'm getting ready to live a life of I don' t Know. I learned how to drink I didn''t even know I knew just drink one beer right after the other. God, you get to feel it's good you can't feel it all. Learned how to dance fell down on the dance floor and broke my nose did it five times after I learned how to do it. See, I could have fallen last night damaged myself now she got my mind off I don't know where we were Catholics are bad for bad you need bad thoughts send another Baptist who wouldn't thought anybody would have danced out there before you belong you know I saw a lot of bad just dancing here last night God they just almost go crazy when after by themselves. I merely had to let him because I'd forgotten where y'all were. Well, broke my nose. Damn. And I just kept drinking that beer. I got to feeling good. Couldn't feel at all. Blacked out just like I was supposed to. Waked up the next morning and threw up just like anyone is doing. Guy called me and said, how do you feel? I said, my God, I feel horrible he said oh but you had a great time last night and i said oh well then i know how to have a good time just go out and get drunk blackout wake up next morning throw up then you know you had a good times had no idea you drank it any other way i thought people who put garbage in it put it in milk god i can never believe that one and do that stuff with it they just did not know how to drink. They just didn't know. I thought people, when you drank, you drank. When you went to have a beer, you just stayed as long as you could stay. Guy used to ask me, he said, are you going the distance? I said, without doubt. Never failed to go the distance. I just thought people drank like that. I said when you went to drink, you drunk. I didn't like to waste it with a lot of coke and stuff because it's hard on your kidneys. One Saturday, I was over by myself at this little town, and I was getting ready to go to school if I could ever go to go school because I didn't want to go to school because it didn't do well in school. I hated school. So I was over there, and there was a sign out front of this post office that said, We Need You. And I walked in there, they did. They had my farm already laying there just had to fill in the blanks that's all it was ready they was ready for me they said would you like to go to California oh my god yeah I just heard of California haven't been over 50 miles away from home god yeah well we're leaving day after tomorrow I said hell let me go get my clothes ran back home told my folks I was going to join the air force and go into California next day got back went to San Antonio I should have known then I've signed up with the wrong folks they never know where they're going if I'd known how to live one day at a time I'd have known you don't know and there was a funny bunch they got up in the middle of the night and they made their bed real quick somebody's coming never did and they ate way before daylight even if you hadn't been drunk that would make you sick eating at that time of day and they were all scared because they walked in groups. Whoever it was that was running our deal decided we ought to take a surprise trip and they weren't going to tell us where we were going. I think they flew the Navy over and the Marines ran the boat. There's a lot of Chinese over there. They really don't have a hell of a lot over there, they just really have Chinese. They have a few trees and a little rice and a couple of hills, but they mostly just have Chinese, They raise Chinese And they know how to raise Chinese And they just love to raise Chinese They know if some of them die They don't have to worry about it Because they've got more coming And they're just They just live a free life They don' t have to Worry about it We only do one thing That's raise Chinese Starve to death Don' t worry about It got more Coming Everything's fine Well after you're over there About three weeks You've seen all the Chinese you need to see. So I told them I was ready to come home, and they stayed two years. Then we came back by boat. And then when I get back, my folks say, what are you going to do? I said, well, I guess go to work somewhere. Oh, well you can't do that. Why can't you do that? Everybody's going to school. If you don't have that piece of paper, you'll not only be able to not get a job, You won't be able to apply for a job because everybody coming out of the service is going to school. Everybody's going to have that piece of paper, and that'll get you in the door. So you won't Be able to Apply for a Job or anything. Went to school, proved my folks wrong. I gutted that thing through three and a half years, got that piece of paper and I didn't learn one single thing. I made sure that I was going to pass every course, and every course I took did not benefit a human being whatsoever. You know what I like about you and I? We'll go to any length, even if it destroys us, just to be right. A lot of people won't do that. Some of them will just simply say You know, I could be wrong about that Not you and I The only time you and all ever use that statement Is when we're damn sure we're right Then we might say Well, I couldn't be wrong About that I was having some minor difficulties with women. If you put ten pretty girls up there, I'll get the sick one every time. I don't know where I learned how to do that. I went to the same church, same school, everybody else, same service, and I'd see guys just going with any girl. Hell, you can't do that! You've got to make sure you've got a pretty girl and one that you can take home and be in love with and one your family's going to care about. You can't just go with any girl, for God's sakes. Guys ought to be ashamed of themselves. The only thing wrong with being like I am is when you're in love and don't have a girl. And that's awkward walking around that way. My romances were like when it'd take me about two months to find that precious, sweet, pretty little sick thing and we'd be so much in love in about two months I'd just almost have to quit work. Then they'd just deteriorate from there on out. I'd have to do that about one year at a time. It's hard to live that way. Beautiful that first two months. I thought when I got the Alcoholics Anonymous I thought this is the most fantastic place that I've ever been. It's the first time in my life where I had been where they had all a sick women group. And I'm open-minded, they said to be open-blinded and I like both kinds. The one that got sick doing it and the one that got sick watching the other one do it. It's having some difficulties where I work. They always wanted me to come in on Mondays. I seemed to be the only one that they raised hell about when I had the flu on Mondays, and I seldom added any other day. And also there was something wrong with what flu... I don't know why God chose us to see that the world was conducted properly. I don'T KNOW WHY HE CHOSE US TO DO IT. I guess we're the only ones that had the will that could go charge against everything. And where I worked, they never did do it right. They never worked it right. They didn't treat me right, they didn't pay me right they didn'y have any white place and they were doing it wrong. It took me years to notice I was always the one that was leaving. Some of those places where I was fired are still operating doing it right and doing it all wrong. Finally got out of a job and couldn't get one and that way I'd look for jobs I'd get up every morning, I'd throw up and I'd spray then I'd go fill out one of those forms that ask you personal questions like, where have you worked the last 10 years? Which is none of their business, for God's sake. They even wonder where you've lived the last ten years. And then the rest of the blanks, you'd say, I wonder what they'd like for me to say. You don't know them too well, you know. And then you'd go through the interview, it takes about ten minutes, and you go out and get drunk and you just do that one day at a time. I'd save this one place that I knew they had an opening and I liked it. You know, you want to go to work and you have to go to work but you don't want to work too quick. So I saved it and I went down there and I knew this guy knew me and I new he was a friend of mine and I know I'd get the job and I walked in there and he said you don' t want this job. Yeah, I want the job. My God, I need the job! Everybody knew what I didn't want. He said, you don''t want it. I want it and didn't get it. And I knew there's something about me though he wanted to tell me but he didn't know how to do it. And I knew they'd go be more comfortable when I left. So I took off and went out and got drunk, waked up the next morning. I said, you know, I've been doing this for about 10 days. I think I'll just take the day off. Went out to the golf course and ate an old egg, an old piece of toast, went around to the beer joint where my last spiritual advisor lived. He said, my God, you look horrible this morning. I said yeah, I think i'm coming down with something. He said man, the way you're shaking, you need a beer or something. I said, oh, you know, I'm Baptist. We never drink before noon at 1030. It's only 9 o'clock. He said, my God, man, drink this beer. I drank about half of it and sprayed the golf course with it. I don't mind spraying if I don'T lose my concentration. Start thinking about women or something, you know, and it gets to your nose and burns. God, you got to drink the rest of it. They just kill that pain. And I knew how to meditate before I got here. I never meditate that deeply anymore. It's when it's just me, God and the commode And you say oh God And it's stringy And God you can't breathe You'll get it all back So you don't know whether you're going or staying You know I remember in the hot summertime And you'd get through that deep meditation It's tiring And you lean over there And that bowl would be just as cool I told that guy I said I think I guess I better go home I really think I'm coming down with something I said I think I need to go home and lie down well I didn't get to use those vibrators for two years after I was sober I just vibrate all by myself and I love to live with me I love to have meetings with me I call on hospitals I'd get in the car and take out that morning i said god i hate to go to that old hospital big old hospital have a hard time finding the parking place then when you do you got to take that kit walk down through that lobby down in that basement wind around there see that percy agent and you know him hell he ain't gonna buy anything anyway see you don't even have to park just drive right on back wait till 10 30 go to beer joint said have a bad day yeah didn't buy his ain't getting day so i went home and got in the living room, and I thought, had a meeting with all of me, and we got together and I thought, you know, I think I'll commit suicide. And those guys that didn't hire me will worry about it for the rest of their days. I was living in Houston then. I said, they'll see in the Houston Chronicle Jimmy Williams commits suicide, and they'll never get over it. But I didn't know how to do it. Now it's a cinch. I see it on television all the time now. Suicide, call that number. They probably got pamphlets on it now. Softer, easier ways. Do-it-yourself programs, you know. This was even before overdose was popular. You know, I believe from the old school is when you commit suicide, you need to be sound in mind and body so you know what you're doing even if you fail i failed all three times but i knew what i was doing and i knew it was necessary not too sure now where failure might not have been the right thing so i didn't like guns because i don't like noise in the morning and besides they splatter all over everything i'm going to be messy and razor blades were popular then But they never did tell you how to do it. They didn't tell you what kind of blade to use, straight razor or what, or how deep, or left wrist or right wrist, where do you cut it? How deep do you cutting? They just said, cut his wrist with a razor blade. Didn't say which one, how deep. Cut it off. Cut part of it. I knew you couldn't. That's it. I'm sorry, Lord We did not mean it Lord, if you just let us out of this trap This time we'll never do it again God, I didn't know it was going to be a spiritual meeting this morning. I wasn't going to do anything about it. I was just thinking about doing it. I wasn' t going to talk to John before I did it. God, you know I was going do that. You know I can't do it anymore. Well, I have to tell it if I do. I wonder where we were when the lights went out. And I'm up here. Y'all are in the right place. Well, I knew you couldn't do it in the living room. You get blood all over the carpet. Now I'm always thinking of others. I'm having a hard time seeing y'all. Y'ALL PROBABLY WOULDN'T NOTICE THAT. My light's on, for God's sake. You're the one that's in trouble. So I went in the bathroom, got my razor blade, where I did a lot of thinking anyway. Got in the bedroom, got the razor blade. Now, even though I hadn't done it before, I knew that if you just cut the left wrist, left side would die, right side would be alive. Hell, you might back out and be half dead and half alive. So I cut both wrists so I could die evenly. And I'm just sitting there on the throne listening to The Drip thinking about those guys going to worry about it for the rest of their days. And the folks. God's just a funny character, isn't he? Well, we play around with him. Hell, he can play around with us, I guess. And I'm just sitting there listening to the drip, and about that time the phone rang. I thought, I wonder where I'm going if I'll always wonder who that was called. That'd probably be enough to run you crazy. So I put a Band-Aid on my wrist right quick. Answered the phone, it was the police. You know, police have been trained by ministers. Except I've never talked to one yet that didn't have personality change. They always stop you on 3 o'clock in the morning and you're in a hurry to get home. My God, you're late. And they stop you and say, come go along with me. I said, I'm sorry, I can't go. I'm late now. I'm supposed to be home at 6 o' clock, 3 in the mornin', for God's sake. Then they start to get all upset. You say, I am not going. Then they really go nuts. And you have to pacify them and go along avec them. this guy says where were you last night i said i was right here he said no you wasn't i said how do you know and he said we is there i didn't want to talk to him anymore i'd already learned don't ever talk to anybody no more about where you've been than you do i said well what do you want me to do he said well you need to come down here we'll come out there and get you i said I'll be right there and he says if I were you I'd pick up an attorney on the way i said it'll take me an extra 30 minutes, but I'll be there. Wait for me. So I hung up. God, I love to live with me. I can live a week and a half a day. I've had a hell of a day, been out to golf course, threw up, came home at two big meetings and committed suicide. And now I've got to call an emergency meeting and it's only 11 o'clock. I thought, well, I don't like either what are those options? I don't think I'll go down there at all. And I checked my back roll, and I had $36, which before inflation was plenty to start a new career. And I had a few clothes left, and I had some old sheet or two and a quilt, and so I threw it all in the car and mailed the key to the folks, and I thought, I'll just leave town. So I just left town, picked up a pint of whiskey, waked up the next morning about 150 miles away from there in Brownwood, Texas, and I had $7, and I said, I wonder how my folks are getting along. I called them collect so they didn't know it was me. They said, what are you doing? I said oh just out riding around. They said well would you like to come by here and have a cup of coffee? I said I believe we will. Hungry to see you you know. And I never shortchange my folks. They're not going to get their money back, so I always give them my very finest story. In fact, I got to listening to it, and it was so horrible, hell, I cried with them. I thought, God, if I'd have known he was that bad, I'd left Houston three years earlier. And old John says, well, Jimmy's honest. Let him have 100. God, with $107, you can almost go into business. So I knew I had to sweat that night out, so I sweat that tonight out, and the next morning I get up, and I said, getting ready to leave, and I say, Annalee, there's one little thing I left out last night. During all that hell down in Houston, I was drinking some, but I decided last night I shall never drink again as long as I live. You'll never have to worry about me being underfinanced either. I'm not going to get any more financial traps. My folks look at me just like a blank wall. When I got in AA, I went back up there and I said, do you remember that time? She said, which one? Then I thought, I finally got her to remember it. She said yeah. I remember I turned around to John and said what do you think? He said he's 33. He'll never live until he's 35. Said when you'd leave we thought that's probably the last time we'd ever see you alive. Well I had $170 and no place to go. hundred and seven so i thought i'll go down to rio grande valley i got a guy job down there about six years ago i'll do it down there and visit don't call them they'll tell you not to come got out of fort worth about two or three miles stopped at the facility station to happen to sell beer and i said how far is waco 79 miles i said let me have three then i go and stay in beautiful downtown hotel in harlingen texas you know that's the end of the world down there they change countries have a creek there they change countries and it's dry most time but they change cultures and language and people don't go down there except they go down to get out of the cold they go down there in the winter time and they go down there to fish and hunt but they don't go down looking for jobs and I stayed that hotel never took my clothes up there stayed there three weeks had my car parked across the street and come down elevator every morning walk cross street get pair of shorts socks shirts Go back up, walk back through the lobby, do that every single morning for three weeks. And they finally hired me. Now, they hired me because they'll hire most anybody who's breathing on occasion. So they hired men for some reason I could just get drunk and not drunk-drunk for a few months until I got up into my place. Sometimes they had somebody in my place, I had to explain it to them, that happened there, and they had to fire him. And I hated for him to go, but he was in my space. and after you explain things to them over a period of time they understand it finally why they know what to do so i got the job there then i'm in good shape and i like to get up there and do my thing and level off and about one afternoon i just too tired to go i was just too tired to run out and get drunk so i thought i'll go rest a few minutes and i was laying there and the manager came by and says you know you've been here about eight months i think we need to get better acquainted i said yeah let's go have a beer i said one he was a drunk just like me i lasted there eight years then he got fired of course and let us all down and i'm still trying to get married now my weekends are just like this i hit so i work monday through saturday at noon run to the golf course eat a heavy lunch like a cheese cracker and a six-pack, and I'm home in bed drunk and blacked out by 6.30, and I wake up again about a quarter to eleven, go down to the beer joint, close it at one, slip over to Mattamaris until daylight just to visit, and then drink beer Sunday afternoon to try to taper off into Monday. Sometimes I made it, sometimes I missed it. On this particular Friday, I finally decided that just being true to one woman doesn't work because I always have that spot when we quit and now I'm running around in love and being awkward so I decided I'll get a number one and then a spare. I left the court drinking you call them about three or four o'clock in the afternoon says you busy tonight no I'll see you about 7 30 might be four or five days before you get by there. I was over at number one's house about blackout time it's about 11 o'clock and I was going to be off on Saturday well I'm using bed by 9 30 because I get up early and work early so there I am up at 11 o clock on Friday night not supposed to be I'm over at her house and you know how we are we're so honest sometimes it's hard on others and evidently I had not mentioned about number two and I just mentioned the fact I think on the way home I'll drop by and see her well I just missed her name and that's all I did didn't explain everything. And I said, but I want to go to the bathroom first. And she followed me in there. Well, that's a bad place to have a meeting. All the surfaces in there are very firm, you know. And that was blackout time, so I don't remember all of the discussion. I'm living in a beautiful old faded green trailer in an alley behind a motel. I had the rock yards a long time before they started putting them in. And I'd see those weeds come up there and I'd say, you'll never make it. And now I'm laying there asleep. I've already learned how to wake up in total fright in my own bed. And about that time something goes, bam! Excuse me, I didn't mean to wake you. Opened that door, looked down, still had my clothes on. I said, oh my God, I bet I was going somewhere early this morning. Looked down there on that old white shirt and had blood. Blood makes me sick, you know. Then my head, I felt my head had knots on it. And then a little blood come off of it. I said, my God, I bet you I was in a car wreck last night. Open that door and there's that six foot four, 240 pound Baptist preacher saying, come go along with me. I Said, preacher, I know I look like I'm ready, but I can't make it. Wherever the meeting is, I cannot make it. Uh, I just, I'm not going to be able to make it I know, I may look like it, but I can't make it. I just can't do it. I just don't get to make it." He said, "...get in the car!" God! I'm in total fright and I canít handle total fright with no light. So I get in the card and I said, "...preacher, Iíve got to have a beer." I have, I got bad drunk last night and he said, "...I know." I said," "...I have got to ever be here then Iím not going to make any." He said thereíd be no drinking before the meeting. God, and my headís killing me and I, God, Iím in total freight and Iím not gonna make it and we drove up in front of her house. I thought, well, Then I went in, and sure enough, she did look like she might have fallen in a bush or something. So I said, well, I've got to go to the bathtub. And I went into the bathtub, and I said to her, I went down there and looked in that mirror, and I'm going to tell you something. She won. I'll probably never know the truth, but what probably happened, I lost my equilibrium, fell in that bathtub, and she stepped on me. two weeks later we got married we got married in the first Baptist church so it worked I told her I'm off again on Friday and I'm getting drunk again on Friday and I said since you've been married before and I haven't, I'm pure you know there's no use inviting a lot of people so at 11 o'clock Friday night I started inviting all the people I could think of and at quarter to three I called my beer distributor friend he met me right before the funeral of church service and he said you called me at a quarter to three this morning I'm going to tell you something we're not here to see you get married we're here because we don't believe it the longest bet on your marriage is three weeks but I showed him I hung it in there for eight years, but my life changed. I had no idea how nice it was to get up and throw up in peace. I was always going to quit smoking because it made me gag in the morning, so I'd grab those cigarettes, that coffee, and go in that bathroom and lock that door, and she's telling me what I am through that door. I've got to get upset, go make the living, get drunk, come on, tell her what she was. We did that one day at a time. I finally went back to that preacher and I said, Preacher, this thing is not working. He said, you know what's wrong with you? You're missing the beauty of life. I said yeah. He said did you know the fruit trees were in bloom? I said no. He said what you need to do is go get your wife, drive up the valley, smell the aroma and look at the blossoms. I said yes. jumped in the car went over the door and said get in the car she said what for I said we're gonna go look at the blossoms she said the blossoms I said yeah we're missing the whole damn thing Went by the little beer joint, picked up a six-pack, drove up the valley, saw the sign that said 12 miles to Matamoros, turned left, went to Matamaros, switched tequila, blacked out, missed the whole damn thing. Lost that job, couldn't get one, went crazy, crazy for two months driving all over the country trying to find a job. Always liked to change careers even though I didn't have one from the job I had before. finally a guy who managed a drug company said i hear you're looking for a job and i said oh just kind of shopping around he said well why don't we talk about it let's don't go to the office once you meet me at the cafe at what time about 10 30 we'll have breakfast i said good walked in he said you like a beer so one let's go look at the territory so we end up down the valley texas out to the padre island some guy came in want to demonstrate a boat it's eight o'clock at night. We'd been drinking all day. He'd been drinking all the day. We picked up a couple of girls from Kansas. God, I wouldn't stay here. Well, they weren't drunk. So they went with us and of course it's dark. And of course we took out underneath the causeway and opened the boat up. Had a boat wrecked. They got decks out there. We hit one. Knocked me out and the pilot out and this girl is sitting up with us. But I was trying to be hospitable, too. My wife was, of course, we ended up in the hospital finally. The tide brought us back in and we didn't have to go out in the Gulf and be lost. And the boat sank and all that stuff. Just nothing. I'm just applying for a job, you know. Hell, it's no big deal. Ended up in a hospital for three weeks and I got the job. Hell. Didn't even have to fill out any paperwork To get it Took him about six weeks To ship me out of that area Two drunks in that drug company It was one too many And he shipped me to Fort Stockton, Texas Fort Stockson's different, folks It's in west-west Texas, right? A little trees out there About that high You see California In a clear day 536 people lived there And 36 of them Are making a living And I joined the 500 Now I'm supposed to Stand in the drugstore Hold this pad and write You're supposed to even Write stuff Aureomycin All that stuff Can't even spell it Let alone write it And that pharmacist Looked at me And he says My God man You look like You're going to fly apart I said Any minute He said, well, take some of these. This was before Valium. I understand Valium, both eyes crossed, you walk straight. This was just Librium, which is nothing, hell, a little bitty capsule. Two-tone green and black or two-tone Green. Always take them at Farmistry and say, Jim, I'm a little short of 10 milligrams. 25's okay? Be fine. They're the same size, you know. Take the same amount of 10s, you do 25s, and the same thing happens. And I've never taken stuff like that much before. I just always, I like booze because when you get it, something happens. It burns and it juggles around and does things. I like something going on. And I don't like to, I have plenty of patience. I just never like to use it all at one time. So I took two of those little old things and I waited, hell, 30 seconds. Nothing happened. I didn't feel nothing. I was still crazy, so I took three more. And my knees just went, huh I said, God, I know how to weave Now I've got to learn new stance So I took Librium daytime Drank beer at night And I had one decision to make Every night after the third beer Either gonna I was either gonna go home early And if I was After the third bear I'd go get a pint of whiskey And dump it in on top of those three Librium and Go Home blacked out or I'd stay there at midnight and black out on beer. I went home one way and one way only, blacked out. Loved to drive drunk. Miss the entertainment you get driving drunk before blackout. I liked to drive blackout because then nothing bothers you. But my stripe always went to the right, and I said, I bet that's because I'm right-handed. Nobody ever told me to close this eye and the stripe will come back. Naturally, we were born that way. we know it looks it does never i never had to discuss it with another human being and and you'd be driving along now you're on your stripes going off the right and you just put your stripe back right then you got two tail lights you say i believe i'd like a little more light you open your eye and you got eight tail lights stripe going off now your problem is is being bored driving at night Somebody recommended me for a job, and I ended up back in Houston. Shouldn't have got the job, didn't even know who they were, and they didn't know who I was, but somebody recommended it, and they hired me, and they Didn't Know Any Better, and I Didn't Known Any Better. That was 1st of March of 1965. I lasted until the day before Christmas Eve of 1965 I didn't do anything any different that day. I played golf with these administrators and their in-laws from Oklahoma, and I got a little too hospitable, and I blacked out on the way to their house and blacked-out in their home, drove from one side of Houston to the other, blacked up. That's nothing new. Waked up the next morning, did not know how I got home, which is nothing new, looked out there for my car was back, parked funny, but it's back. No new dents, no new blood, and oh, what's-her-name had gone next door that was getting ready to have a Christmas Eve party, and I'm not an alcoholic, but I guess I heard it on the radio because I pick up the phone and call, look under Alcoholics Anonymous and call in a group. And that gal act like she's glad I called. I should have known then I had the wrong number. And she said, somebody be right out. Well, I waited an hour. Nobody showed. I thought, hell, I'll just... It's 1015. Looked nice box. Had three beers. Well,I'll just call them, tell them I don't need them. About that time the phone rang, this guy said, be right there. Well, before I could tell him I didn't need him. Here he comes. He said, I'm coming. I thought, I'll just get rid of him. I looked out that door, little short, pointed nose, book under his arm, deacon looking guy, coming by himself. And the reason he came by himself because he and his wife was managing those apartments. They'd moved to another complex but they managed them there for several months while we moved in. And he used to watch me going back to 7-Eleven saying if he lives, we'll get him. so he knew who i was and he just opened the door and said hi jim like you know me i thought god we're going to read that book and pray i've not only been baptized i've been rededicated 10 times i said let's get rid of him i he i don't remember what he said we didn't read the good book we didn't pray and about that time old watson came back in he says you want to go with me well i didn't, but it's better than staying with her. Then I got in the car with him and he hit that old 610 loop in Houston. I said, my God, I have gone off with a perfect stranger. He's not my kind of guy. I know better. I should have taken my car, even though his is a little better.I should have taking my car. I'll buy a beer. I don't want a beer, God I knew it. I'm going to tell you something. I got bad drunk last night and I cannot make it another foot. Either let me off on top of this freeway and I'll walk over there to that U-Totem or you take me over there. I've got to have a beer and I've gotta have it right now. He said, can you wait till we get to the club? Oh yeah, I can do that. I can handle the fright if I've got the light. We drove kind of a bad neighborhood. Drove up in front of this old rickety-looking house. I said, this it? He said, yeah. I thought, well, when I get some money, I'll help these folks. Walked in the door and there was a bunch of deacons sitting over there talking about women in the stock market and I found out later on they didn't know anything about either one. Back to back is an old bar with a bartender that looked a hell of a lot better than I did. Program of attraction, you know. this guy says mix him up a little milk and honey i said my god what do you put in it i never drank anything like that in my life he said you see you're nervous i said hell that's what i've been trying to tell you and besides all that you're used to alcohol and your system and getting sugar from it So you need the sugar, and the honey has already been digested. I said, indigestion's not my problem. You throw up right, you don't have indigestion. Drank half of it, and it curdled, came right back up. He said, don't worry about it, we have plenty. i thought hell i'm gonna put on a show for these folks one of the big shots said walk all you want to hell i didn't want to walk at all they just sit there and they laugh and talk say i got any animal in here today what you're walking back and forth. Drinking that sweet, sweet, sick, sick. God, I can almost taste it now. Sick, sweet. I hadn't had a piece of chocolate in five, 15 years. Finally, about four o'clock, this guy said, well, I guess we better go home. I said, yeah, let's go. He said, let me out about two blocks from the apartment. I got to slip in there and get my car. I knew that beer would not cut that sweet taste. I was going to have to get bourbon to cut that. He says, don't drink anything. I'm going to pick you up in an hour and a half. I said, what for? He said, we're going to a meeting. I says, where? Right back where we came from. I say, my God, we was there all day. Well, he just let me out. I got out in the alley and walked and walked and here the little bastard comes. I thought maybe surely it's Christmas Eve. He's still with his folks. Now I know he didn't want to. Back over there we go, it's kind of a funny bunch. I saw a few of them kind of hugging and kissing, and the rest of them didn't look like they was any happier to be there than I was. They get up there and say a little funny prayer, and some girl got up to talk two or three hours. They just laughed. Wasn't a damn thing funny. and then some guy got up talked an hour or two they said it was all just now but i know it's longer and they'd just laugh i said man these people are really in bad shape they're laughing and nothing's funny then they all got up held hands said the lord's prayer my god the holy spirit moved in there they all started talking at the same time they all acted like this thrill to death to be there I said I wonder what the hell he did they didn't sing any songs come in the altars lay any hands on anybody didn't do anything just boom I said i'm gonna keep my eyes open more and I see what he did about 30 minutes later I'm standing back there with this deacon that nobody must not like because we're by ourselves and I seen men and women girls and boys getting together and jumping in those cars and take it off i said oh well once you get acquainted around here you can go have a little drink over these apartments and talk about this we went night after night after tonight and nobody invited us anywhere did you say good night jim dick go right on out they're running all the girls god just good beautiful girls you know sick beautiful girls i'd already seen two i knew and i'd only been there three nights it was probably one of them was god had destined for me again so then finally one night we're going every we're doing every night we go in every single night we do he does not let me drive he comes after me and he takes me and his personality is not improving one night it doesn't rain in Houston it just falls and I said he said I'll pick you up in 30 minutes I said it's raining did you ever go get a drink when it was raining I'd be ready then one night old watch name had gone back to the valley to see if she had any friends left and so I just locked the doors pulled down all the shades turned off all the lights had nothing on but the TV set phone just ring, ring, let it ring next morning he called and said where were you last night I said I was right here watching television enjoyed every damn minute may do it again tonight he said well you missed it I said what did I miss he said I don't know I said wouldn't you there he said yeah but I only heard what I was supposed to hear we'll never know what it was you're supposed to hear but my god you got to go every night you'll miss it then they say what'd you hear i said i don't know but i heard it because they tell you here you never know how much you hear but you hear it this is the craziest program in the world you know couldn't have anybody do this but insane people got drunk went three months got drunk three months got drunk and sobered up all by myself and I didn't use nobody make no phone calls now they said this guy indicated later on that I'd call him about 3 in the morning on that last drunk and I'm sure I did not but they'll say anything that'll fit the picture and when i sobered up i had some meetings with myself and i decided that the only thing that's ever been wrong with me is i've just underfinanced i'm not an alcoholic i could just get financed i can handle a whole deal leave them all and first things first is what i need to do is go back and officially resign and tell them the damn thing didn't work but I appreciate everything and I'm on my way. I've got it worked out. Before the meeting had already started so I had to wait last the meeting and before you know they're impatient here. Before I could tell him I was resigning he walked up to me and said don't you ever call me again. I looked at that little guy I said listen I'm so glad you said that. I never called you in the first place they called you. And I'm going to tell you something your best friends will not tell you. Nobody likes you here. We're the only ones that doesn't get invited anywhere and they don't know me, so it's got to be you. And I want to tell you something else that I know. If I had as bad a personality as you do, I'd go back to drinking. And you don't ever have to worry. I don't care how long I live, whatever happens in my life, I'll never call you again no matter what happens. And I didn't until the next morning. I called him and said, meet me at the club. I met him at the pub and I walked in and said, get your coffee and sit down. They talk to you like a dog here, you know. He said, now I'm going to tell you something about Alcoholics Anonymous, Al-Nan, Alteen, Al-Totten, Aldog. There's absolutely no failure here. Will not, cannot, must not, never has, never will fail. It's impossible to have failure in alcoholics donals. You can't do it, provided you do exactly what we tell you to do the way we tell you to it. So now there's only one thing that you get to do for the rest of your days and that is you get to make one decision every day and that's all you're ever going to get to do ever again. you're the only one that gets to do it. If you don't give an alcoholic a decision to make, they'll flounder on the same subject for years. So what we're gonna do with you this morning, we're going to give you a decision whether you're gonna go our way of life or your way of Life. So you either tell me whether you gonna go our Way of Life, do exactly what we tell you to do, or go right back out that door. I said, I don't want to do either one. He said, I didn't ask you what you wanted to do. I asked you what you were going to do? I said do you mean to tell me that you don't care whether I want to or not? Not at all. Group doesn't care? Not a bit. I say well if you'll make it perfectly clear to the group that I don' t want to do it then I'll do it. He says well first of all we got let me get some things straight. It's your thinking that's wrong. I said, how much of my thinking is wrong? We always start with all of it. And if there's any, any good, we'll let you know. I said you put a sign up there on the wall that says think, think, thing. He said, that's for us. He says, now what we're going to do is we're going to give you some things not to do and some things to do. Now, the things we're gonna give you not to-do will change. The things we're giving you to do, you'll just add two. And then it's gonna happen over there. I said, what's gonna happen over that? We don't know but it always happens. I said, I'm gonna tell you something. I've been listening to you every... You never listen to me. And I'm listening to every word you tell me. I'm gonna tell something I do not understand. He said, and that's it and And don't you ever forget it. He said there's two things that you must remember for the rest of your days. No matter what's going on in your life, you do not understand. Then you'll have understanding. And when you quit trying to understand, then you'll enjoy it. And the other thing is no matter what your situation is, It's never the situation. It's ever them. It's it's never her. It's not God. It's you that must become different. You must become different than you ever have before. I said, how do I do that? He said, oh, you can't. I said what the hell did you tell me for then? He said that's what's going to happen to you. He said now I'm going to give you the kicker. This is the very one thing that got you here. But it's also the one thing that if it does not change will be the one thing that's going to keep you from getting all the things that God has for his children. As long as you know that you know, you'll never know. But when you begin to do what we tell you not to do and to do and begin to know you don't know, then you'll begin to love. I said hell, you're crazy! He said, I know. He says, now you don't know how to not do anything, so the first thing we're going to learn how to do is not drink or take a pill. You know that card I gave you has my number and four other men, no women on mine. when you get squirrely definitely before you take a drink or a pill you call one of those numbers no matter what time of day or night it is now even if you don't take a drink and if you don't make the call you didn't do it make the phone call that's the way we're going to learn how to not do something and this is what we're gonna do every day when you give up a warning first thing in the morning get on your knees and say these words and these words only God, take me today. Let thy will only be done in my life. Help me to become what you want me to be and help me to definitely not drink anything alcoholic or mind-changing drug. Amen. Do not need to tell God what he has not done nor what he needs to do. God's highly capable of handling that all by himself. And then call me before you go to the bathroom. I said, why before I go tothe bathroom? You may not need to go. I said, do you mean to tell me you don't think I've got sense enough to know when I need to goes to the bathroom? He said, we'll find out. They don't give you a lot of credit here, you know. Before I got out on my knees, I said God, you and I know he don't know. Hell, he's a Presbyterian. But we're going to do it just exactly like he says so when we get through we can tell him to take this program and shut it got out on my knees and said that prayer jumped up made sure i need to go to the bathroom picked up that phone called him he didn't ask where i need to going i said go to bathroom meet me at the club i made the club he said now go to work i said i hate my job he said what's that got to do with it i said well i hated it so much yesterday i couldn't go to works he said why'd you do sit in that chair and think and i said yeah at noon and then went to the club. He said, you know how to go to work. I said, how? He said go get in the car. If you'll write that down you'll catch it. He said and besides that prayer that you say every morning and you may need to do several times a day and later on you'll do it because you want to that when you get in that car invite God in today. I said how do you do that? He said you say God I invite you in today I said oh put that on that card and if you don't lose the card we can go home. then i came back to the club after work and you know how they are god they're they have to tell everybody in the club oh get your coffee and sit with us don't say anything just listen to us the great ones they haveto tell everybody so they'll know that you're their baby for god's sakes then you almost get comfortable and then he says time for you to go home and eat supper come back to meet you i know how to do that but they've got to tell you out loud that this is my baby. And then after the meeting, he said, now go home and get on your knees in the bedroom and thank God for the day. I said, I do not thank God today. It's been a miserable damn day. And I hate you, and I hate God, and i hate her. And i hate this damned AA, and iI hate everything with it. He said, do you feel like when you pray to God that you're not sincere? I said that's right. I'm not going to be a hypocrite. I live with hypocrites. I''m not going to be one he says well that has absolutely nothing to do with it it's only the action that you're taking that you don't know you're taken that's going to cause all the difference and even though you know that there's a lot of things that you think needs to happen because of this action you're thinking that you're not going to make it happen you're going to have to take it and you don' t know what it's going to take the things that are going to happen you'll never know what that's going to be until it happens and after that happens then you'll probably never need for that other to happen. And I said, well, hell, I understand that. I said do you mean to tell me that when I pray that I do not have to be sincere to God at all? He said not a bit. I said you don't care whether I mean it or not? He said not at all. Group doesn't care? God doesn't care? Not a bit. Your relationship with God is going to depend only on God, not on you. God. I said, nobody cares. Nobody cares. I just got in the car and went home, locked the door, saw what's-her-name couldn't get in there, got down on my knees, said, okay, by God, God, thank you for our miserable damn day. Amen. hell if he don't care and they don't care and God don't carry hell I don't care did that for about two months and I'm driving down an old 610 loop one morning about 915 for the first time in my life this God that I have never known as my friend moved into that car with me And for the first time in my life, knowingly, I knew something different than I had ever known it before. I knew, I new, I would never need to take another drink of anything alcoholic or a mind changing drug as long as I lived unless I myself insisted upon it and I knew I knew it. God stayed with me all that day, man, about three o'clock in the afternoon, I thought man, the rest of my life is going to be just like this. I'm going to get me a tent and some tambourines and I'm going to hit the road and save some souls I thought hell I may even let him go with me couldn't wait for him to get back to club he's 15 minutes late and he walks through that door and says get your coffee and sit down the baptist has taken over god i he did it but they have a hard time getting it back they can give it a lot better than have it coming back at them and he got his coffee and sat down and i told him and i waited for him to make me the leader and he grinned a little bit and says thank god we've got that over with now we can get started i said my god that took a year he said some are sicker than others i said what are you gonna do about old watcher name he said i'm not gonna do anything about it said my wife and i are leaving our marriage just where it is we're not messing with it at all said I'm going to send you to a guy that's got it all worked out sent me to an Episcopalian you know they don't know Catholic right went over there and I got over there to him and they've had me on hold I told them that I'm not sleeping with what's her name been praying for someone else too and they won't and I have beautiful gorgeous sweet precious sick little girls coming in all the time i have a compassion for some reason for the new girl don't know why god gave that to me and they wouldn't let me do it they would never let me get in the car with them buy us even just ice cream i said you can't do it between here and ice cream you know but i always made sure that that new one sat right by me and she'd say things like, you know, I'm just not comfortable talking to another woman, but I feel comfortable talking to you. And I'd say, I'll help you, baby. I talked to Peggy and she said they didn't have that trouble up here anymore, but they do. Texas, huh? Well, that threw me. I forgot where we were. You know where I was, Jack? So I told this guy, I said, listen, I pay him. told this guy said listen they've had me on hold for almost two years and I've got brain damage not doing it and I want to know if I can have a relationship with one woman and if I cant I'm gonna go back and do my thing I'll give a damn what any of you say he said do you remember that time when you came in the Alcoholics Anonymous and you spent those times feeling like you didn't fit back out there and you didn't fit in here and if you felt like he was the only one going through that period and it was lonesome even though you weren't alone I said yeah he said if you're willing to make those lonesom walks through every area of your life I'll now only guarantee your relationship with one woman I'll guarantee a relationship with your fellow man you could never have imagined and I'll give you a bonus on top of that I'll get into your relationship with your God that you could never dreamed of. I said, I don't believe that. He said, you don't need to. I say, do you mean tell me I don�t have to believe? He says, not at all. He says it�s only action. I�ve already heard that. Are you still married? Legally, but we are really not. She sleeps in her place, I sleep in mine. We have a battle in the middle. He said well we just practice on her. He says this is what we�re going to do since you do not know how to live with another human being you must change and this is the way you do it you're never going to tell her what's wrong with her ever again i said who's going to tell her i said i don't know but you're not and you're You're never going to do anything to work her around through Al-Anon, through children, through friends, through anything to get her to do what you want her to so y'all will be better. I said, Never. And he said, never. And you're going to pray for it. I said I'm not. He said, Yes, you are. And you are going to have to say these words and say them many, many times a day in the beginning. God, thy will be done for her as well as for me. Take our relationship. Let it become what you wanted it to be and show me the truth. God. Started doing it. Didn't want to do it. I told him I didn't want to pray for her. She didn't make a difference. Had to do It. Hated to do IT. Started to do I. Didn't WANT God's will to have done very well as me. Wasn't too long after that that old sex thing I had surfaced. Already written the fourth, fifth step. Of course it's in there but that doesn't mean anything. Can't figure anything out in this deal. So it surfaced and I've got it and I told Him couldn't get rid of it. told him I couldn't get rid of it, told the group. One of the girls said, you're not supposed to say that in group. So I went over and told another group. And one of them snitched on me. We don't gossip here, you know. We're just concerned. And he said, listen, we've heard all. He said, usually when you stop doing something, God transforms your mind and relieves you from it. That's not happening to you. Go home. She's out of town. She's going to be gone a week. You go home. Get in that apartment. Don't you call anybody. Don't YOU get out of there until you and God get that thing settled. Went in there and prayed and cried and cussed and hit the couch and quit hitting the bar. It hurt your hand, you know. And then about 11, 12 o'clock that night I went to sleep and the next day it wasn't there. God, for the first time in my life I knew what it was I had because it was gone. I never knew I had it until it was going. And then I didn't even tell them. Well, the fourth night after the meeting I said, well, I guess I might as well... I really think we've talked too long. Oh, no, I didn't mess with the button. No, the button's on. You never know with music. It's on, yeah. Plugged in back there. Try it now. Plugged In? No, don't go. we promise not to let you swallow your tongue you ready sure equipment alright I'll guarantee you one thing, John. They've taught me a lesson this time. I'll dance with no more Catholics. I'll go and do that. My grandmother told me those Baptists and Catholics will not mix. Cause the lights to go out. They came on last night, you know. When I started doing that, I finally said, she ought to go to Al-Nan. The guy says, we take care of that. I want you to know, Al-nans, if you're here, I love you dearly. I shall always love you. You're deep seated into my heart and if you ever need any help, I'm your helper. They brought her to you and she found you depressing I was thrilled to death that she found you depressing they took her to you four or five times she found me she found more depressing whatever you're doing keep doing it well it wasn't too long after that when my sickness was gone you know what we had nothing you know how to get sick make something out of nothing so we end up used to getting a divorce for me to make my amends and we got a divorce with those of you who were worried about her I saw her best friend two months after that said have you seen old what's-her-name lately says no happier than I have ever seen her God I wanted to call her I said hell she's forgotten who she is I'd run into this gal in the hospital I was called on her and they'd already told me that anytime I got around somebody over a long period of time that I became friends with them and I need to establish one thing that I'm the type of person that's wanting God to be ahead of my life in every area. And that's what I'm working on. So we talked about God and work and that's all. I'm going to AA and working, doing nothing else. They don't still do it. I'm single now. They're still not letting me do anything. And I'm getting more brain damage single than I was when I was married. So it looked like this girl seemed to be the type of girl I wanted. It looked like that might be true, but I knew I couldn't do anything. So one day I said, you know, I may be falling in love with you. I said oh God, I can't say that, so I just left. And then one time I went to a convention and I had those new type funny feelings. And we came back to the hospital and three days later I went by and said I'm going to have to talk to you. So I went up to her office and I said you know I may be falling into love with me. I said I may fall in love because I don't know anything about love they tell me and that may not be it, but I cannot have an affair. My sponsor won't let me. And that looks funny coming from an old gray-headed man. And then I knew I'd blown it, so I said, well, I guess I might as well tell you the deal. I'm an alcoholic synonymous. I go to AA every single night, twice on Saturday and Sunday. They let me do two things, work and go to EA, and they don't let Me do nothing else. She said, well, what's it all about? Well, I don't know. They smoke as fast as they can, their eyes burn. And they cuss and pray and cry and laugh and drink coffee and can't understand why they're awake all night. I said, I'll have to call my sponsor and she said, oh okay. So I called him and said what are you doing? I said I ain't done nothing. He said bring her over here. So I brought her over there, and he does like he always does. Sit over there Sonny, we'll handle this. Talked to her for an hour and a half. I said, hell, I believe he's going with her. And then finally he said, well, looks like God might be going to do something for you. I said God, I know what to do now. Just go out there and sign old Hank's name to the motel and I know how to get him going. Said, no, remember what we said? We're going to have God, A.A., and Al-Anon in that home or there'll be no home. God, that's right. She had a bad marriage, but she knows nothing about Al-ANon. So she's going to Have to go and see whether she likes his way in life or not. If she doesn't, no show. God. So I had to tell her how to go. I said, go in there and tell them your name's Eloise. Don't tell them another damn thing. Just tell them you're going To marry an alcoholic. That'll get them. don't tell them who it is. So the first four meetings they spent telling her why she should not marry an alcoholic, and I took her across town, and she heard the woman alcoholic talk, and she read the program Alcoholics Anonymous, and she had a great time. She heard explanations to her feelings, and she came back to that Al-Anon group and said, you have a program here, and I want it, and you all know I was converted, that little girl, that good little Southern Baptist. You're just going to have to give a little more time to us Southern Baptists and Catholics than you are the rest of you. It's just a little harder for us to convert, but once you get us, we're okay, you know? So that's the way it happens. If they'll really turn that damn thing off, I'll quit. Thank you. and we we did it like y'all said to not do it and do it we did not have sex until you allowed it I never told them how good it was oh hell no Thank you for your cooperation. May I have your attention, please? You may resume normal action. You know, civilians are sick folks, you know. They're going on the Sabbath, they're going nuts listening to a damn tape. And I've got a plane to catch pretty soon, but get the tape. I'll do it again ten years from now. But we went through that process that, to my knowledge, only God and Al-Anon can give two people. and we did it just exactly like you said even though it was very painful doing it your way i'm still not sure that i couldn't have done it a little different probably been a little probably been a little bit better but it worked out okay and we do have that relationship that only you give one person loving somebody that god put together by you and I could never do it none of us could ever do anything like that otherwise and I know that today you know I'm so grateful she had three children they're all married and now and one of them's getting divorced one of us probably one of we just let live he's gotten his divorce and he's living with a mattress and the oldest one is a preacher and he is more screwed up than all of them so So, but they're all coming to us now and it's as if they'd been in our family all the time and they never go see their real dad anymore hardly at all. So when God does it, he does it all. You know, I'm so grateful that you and I are going to get to know we know something. I would have just died living death if I had lived and not ever gotten to know. i'm so grateful standing here today that not because of any effort on my part you and i are going to get to know you see i had no idea why i couldn't get it in those churches i hadno idea what it was that i couldn t get it and always lacked it whatever it was it always was lacking within me and i gave my mind body and soul and everything i had to fill whatever that was that was lacking in me. I did everything I could to destroy myself and could not do it. I drank enough, drove enough cars, did everything i was supposed to do to destroy myself not knowing that that's exactly what needs to be done. Had no idea that i was all the things that i was doing all the things that I was out there to do, made sure that on Tuesday night I was supposed to get out, get drunk, blackout and have a car wreck. Don't wait till Thursday, you'll be two days late. That the only thing that I was doing was properly preparing myself to get into Alcoholics Anonymous so therefore God could take me and make me into what? He created me to be. And if I was not properly prepared, I would not be willing to do what's necessary for Almighty God to remake me and bring me into what His purpose is. And I didn't know any of this. I thought I was trying to do something out there, and that's all I was doing. And see, now I know I know that God chose you and I to be His special child. And, see, I know, I knew that. I know exactly what happened to you and I. I know that God picked us up once we were properly prepared by Him and brought us into the light from that darkness that we lived in. And see, I know I know that today. Some of this I've only known the last few years. I know, I knows that God chose you and me probably before we were born to be His children. And He's always had us in the palm of His hand. And see, I know I know that today. And I know, I know that the only thing I didn't know that I have to know from God himself is that almighty God loved me and he loved you. And that's the thing that if you and I had known from him we'd have never needed to come here. But you and i didn't know that. And that's the one thing you and I must know or we cannot live here You see, now I know why you and I did not fit into the world by doing things the worldly way. The way human beings are taught to do things for them to work. You see I know, I know that God's children the ones that he has chosen must not and will not fit in to the world there to live in the world in his kingdom and be sent out in the word as he sends them to do what he has in mind and not what we have in mind. So you and I could not have fit into this world no matter what we thought we might could have done. And see, I know I know that today. And I know, I Know that you and I could have gone to 10 different denominations and a thousand different churches and we were never going to be any different until God sent you and I here to be with you and me to be with you and you to be with me see that's the difference you're the one that I was looking for I didn't find you any more than you found me God Almighty sent you and I to be together my path is going to be different than yours and yours are going to be different to mine but you and I are going to go down that path the same way and that path that you and I are going to go has been designed by God. My path and your path up through this moment is right on time. None of us are late. We're right on Time where we're supposed to be, exactly doing what we're suppose to be doing in the situation we're in today for God to change and make us into what He's created us to be whatever that may be. And he's got us in this special place designed only for us. Not a place that's designed for others, designed only for us and 90% of the time that he sends us out we're not going to know what he's using us for. 90%of the time so we won't be able to go out there and do it. We're going to go up there and let it happen and God's gonna do it for us. Thank God I stayed with you long enough to feel God loving me that day and thank God that we now have that power that only God's children have and see God doesn't work by wisdom, God works by power. You and I are not going to figure when you have been chosen like you and I have he's our only teacher we cannot learn it from anywhere else we can't memorize it we can't get it and we can arrive we're gonna have to live through the experiences that God may transform our minds that we may move and take out every flaw that's within us so we may complete and fulfill his purpose for us and see I know I know that today I know, I know that you and I, that that power lives with us and never fails. And I know, I know one thing about you and i we didn't know where we were going when we got here then it's none of our business where we're going after we get here. And remember my life in yours is absolutely unlimited as long as you and i do what this program says to do and stay together as long as you and i stay together this is our place we were all other places if there'd been another place for us god had sent us there most of us were already there this is for you and me anyone that's been exposed this program was designed for you especially by god himself and i know i know that today so glad i stayed with you long enough to feel god loving me me loving him back sometimes but the difference with you when i stayed with you just like it's been right here today just like its been all weekend and just like every time we meet together right at this moment when i can feel you loving me and me loving you. Thank you very much.