Why the Screaming in His Head Only Stopped with Alcohol – Kip C.

My name's Kip Collins, and I'm an alcoholic. I ain't had a drink all day long, either. my sobriety dates may 12 1984 and my home group is a closed men's meeting of alcoholics anonymous called robbers roost it's 150 ex-convicts trying to figure out how to be uh fathers and husbands and sons today we know how to do everything else already it's a very tight group and we are a primary purpose group i'm honored to be here amongst the speakers that we've had here thomas first time i ever spoke at a conference i was nine nine years sober uh jones were the only place i'd ever spoke with in correctional facilities and they brought me in this room with a bunch of people that didn't have to be there And I was scared to death, and Tom, he just walked me through the whole thing, man. And I've always been grateful that I had a man of his caliber there to show me how to conduct myself at a conference, and thank you, Tom. And at least she just knocked my socks off today. I mean, she's got a better AA talk than most drunks, you know? She's crazier than any alcoholic I ever met. And she did it on the natch, you know. A lot of friends here, but I'm honored to be here. My father, he's Irish and Sioux. He comes from the reservation of South Dakota, Rosebud. My mother's Choctaw and Irish, and she comes out of Oklahoma. And my daddy liked to drink. And my mother, she liked to fight. I mean, Larissa was talking about today about her family. I mean... She was my mother. She described my mother perfectly and my father perfectly, except my mother wasn't afraid of my father. And I'd be waiting for the old man to get home. My mom, she was a marcher. and we had hardwood floors you could always judge her attitude by how loud she was marching it's getting later and later she's marching and we know it's going to be heavy pretty soon you hear that pickup truck coming up the road bouncing off the curbs he pulls up into the front lawn about that time if you looked real close You'd see all the neighbors grabbing lawn chairs, trying to get a good seat. My mother would come flying out that front door with a butcher knife. She'd go for the driver door. He'd bail out the passenger door. The neighbors would cheer. And that was just Monday night, you know. Holidays were a real treat. None of that makes me an alcoholic. my father taught me exactly what alcohol will do to a marriage what it'll do to family, what it will do kids, what will do a career I had no illusion. I was never ever going to be an alcoholic I wanted nothing to do with it. Me and my little brother Bill we were 11 months apart. We lay there at night waiting for the insanity to start every night and we talk about what kind of men we were gonna be when we grew up and what kind of fathers we were going to be, you know, and what kinds of husbands we were gonna be. And it wasn't anything like our father, you now. I can't blame my daddy. I've always blamed the San Diego Unified School District. When I was 12 years old, they had this crazy idea that they needed to bring all these young people in and start teaching about that stuff that we don't talk about in A&A. They took us in this big room and they showed us this movie. And they got these two clowns that got up and told us what was going to happen to us when we went to prison for smoking this stuff. I turned the lights back on. I hit my buddy Balto in the ribs. I said, Balto, can you get some of that? You know? And he said, yeah, my daddy smokes that stuff. And I said well hook me up man. And so the next day I said you get it? He says yeah meet me after school. So I met him after school I said what do we do? He says we gotta go boost some wine. I said but for? He says I don't know. But my daddy always drinks wine when he smokes this, and we didn't want to make no mistakes, you know. So we went down, and I boosted a short dog, a sweet red port, and he got a little bottle of Muscatel. We went down to this little canyon. He fired his cigarette up. He took a hit off of it, handed it to me. I took a hint. It made me cough. I didn't care for it. But I'm looking at this stuff. It's got this real fancy screw cap on it. Man, it's a beautiful purple color. And I pulled that cap off, took a pull. It jumped out of my belly and landed on my shoes. But I ain't no quitter. I took another pull on her, man. You got to do that, you know, choke it down. You got hold your nose because of that yo-yo thing. And pretty soon she starts to settle. And then you can take another one and it goes down. Pretty soon it's just going down smooth. I looked down at Balto. He squatted down. He's sucking on this little cigarette. And he goes, uh. And I go, no. Are you going to drink that? He says, no." I said, can I have it? He says,"Yeah." And I took it and I drank it. And I don't know what alcohol did for y'all. I really don't. I remember that day as crystal clear. I remember what I was wearing. I remember everything about that day, the most clearest moment of my whole life. That day is clearer than the first time I had sex with another person, you know? I lived in a neighborhood that was all first-generation Hispanic. Nobody spoke English. Everybody had dark brown skin, dark brown hair, dark Brown eyes. My cousins lived with us and they're Indian and they had dark Brown hair, dark Brown, dark Brown skin. And me and my brother Bill, we were born with white hair, freckles, blue eyes, and very white skin. We went outside. The Mexicans wanted to beat our ass. We went in the house. The Indians wanted to beat our ass, you know? And that don't make it. It just makes you mean is all it does. I drank that liquor that day, and man, for the very first time in my life, I laid down and I realized to the very bottom of my very soul that was the very last time I had a drink. That was the first time ever in my whole life that I wasn't afraid of anything in this world. I was comfortable, man. It was like this is what's been missing all my life. And that is what makes me an alcoholic. Alcohol does something to me that it doesn't do to other people. Alcohol is the missing ingredient. Me and my brother, we figured that we must have come from some other planet because we were so different from our families. And our real families had probably been visiting on a flying saucer and got run off and they left and these crazy people picked us up. and we were convinced, both of us, that whatever planet we come from they have alcohol in the atmosphere because the minute I drank that I went and I knew all about the first three steps a long time before I knew you folks when I was 12 years old I knew I was powerless over this world I knew my life was unmanageable I drank this magic stuff and I came to believe there was power greater than anything in this world And I immediately, with no reservation, turned my will and life over to it. And I never looked back. You know, I got kicked out of school about nine months after that for beating up a teacher. It was a misunderstanding. I got home, and my mom was waiting for me. They had ratted me out. She's standing there, and she's got this plastic bag with this green vegetable matter in it. And she's standing there saying, you got your ass kicked out of school, huh? I said, yep. She goes, what's this? I said it's probably what you think it is. She said, that's it. You're out of my house. Get. I've been waiting for her to tell me that since I was five years old. And I got. I didn't even look back, man. I got over to a little place over in Carlsbad, talked to a friend of mine. He said, what are you going to do? I said I ain't got a clue, man He said well check this out And he brought a newspaper He said all these people that are going up to San Francisco This is 1964 before, he says, all they do up there is get high and listen to music and make love. When I was 13 years old, music was on my mind 24-7. In fact, it wasn't until I was about 60. I share in a very general way, I went up to the hate district. I was the worst hippie that ever got out there. I didn't fit in there either. I'm a fighter. These people were pacifists. In a very general way, I've always been very grateful to the God of my understanding that I'm not allergic to penicillin. Powerful music up there. I found out my true calling. I found OUT that I'M ACTUALLY A CAPITALIST PIG. I'M NOT NO HIPPY. And all these people want this certain product. It comes from Mexico. All my friends come from Mexico and I'm looking at this And I'm going, man. And I called my lifelong buddy, Balto. I said, Balta, you're not going to believe this. And he just floundered. He said, come on down, man! And so I went down. We went down to Mexico, talked to his family, and we started a little enterprise. And I worked for his family until I was 30 years old. I did a lot of things. I went to a lot places. I went president in Mexico when I was 16 years old and sentenced to 25 years to life. in La Mesa Federal Penitentiary. I got my Ph.D. in criminology there. I learned what willing to go to any lengths means. I learned how not to go back to prison, too, you know. I worked for that family. I was very fortunate. The family that I worked voor ran that prison. I was well taken care of. I had to do a lot of things. And after, yeah, I like Mexico. It's civilized. It's not like up here. It works on the principle of mordida, and that's a wonderful word that means a little bite. And what that really means is that you can do anything you want if you know the right person to give the right amount of money to. That's a civilized country. And, you know, we found the right personal to give them the right money to, gave it to him, and after about two and a half years I got out of there and I came back on the other side of the border and I continued doing what I was doing. And I got arrested on my 18th birthday right after that, and I went to 27 felonies. I was living with a gal, and she was pregnant, and found out she was pregnant. And I sat in San Diego County Jail for another year and a half fighting this case, and I eventually beat it. I beat all the charges. I had a good lawyer. And I got out, and I wanted to find out what happened to that girl and what happened to my baby. And the family wouldn't talk to me. They wouldn't give me any information. And I walked around for many, many years with a big hole in my gut wondering about that child. But, you know, I ran into this other gal and this company called Roar had just come into business and they came out with a product. Anybody here besides Jake ever gone to jail for just being stupid in public? Only Jake and me. Jake, we're in the wrong crowd, pal. Oh, another one. Another honest man. Yeah, there we go. Okay. I'd take these things and I just do the stupidest damn things right in front of God and everything. Nothing criminal, but you know, they'd just lock my ass up. And every time they'd lock me up, this little girl, she'd bail me out of jail. And she bailed me out OF jail three times in one week. And the last time she did it, I said, well, how come you keep bailing me out Of jail? And she looked at me with those big brown eyes. She says, well what else should I do? And I married her, you know. I like a woman that thinks like that. And I don't want them to be able to testify against me. So, you now, I married Kathy, and me and Kathy was the greatest crime partner I ever had. Man, I got busted again. I went fighting a case for almost nine months. I got out. I decided I better get out of California. The heat was on. And I went up to a little town up in Oregon. And my wife decided she found out she was pregnant. And when she told me she was pregnant, you know, I made a decision. I said, you Know what? I've always wanted to be a father. In my heart of hearts, what I wanted, I wanted to have a nice little house. I wanted her to have the respect of my neighbors. I wanted Her to have an ice job. I wanted To have a child. I wanted She to have A son to go fishing with and to do all those things with. I wanted I wanted a woman that loved me and honored me. And I wanted to be that kind of a husband. I had all these ideals of what I should do, and I wanted to do that so bad. And I started working out in the woods. And that day, my son was born. I went to the hospital, and they came out, and I went in this room, and my wife and another. And after a while, they came up, and they brought this little tiny little baby, and they put that baby in my arms. And I experienced my second spiritual experience in my life. The first was alcohol. The second was my son. When they put him in my heart, my heart absolutely exploded in my chest and I felt absolutely head over heels in love. Unconditional love for another human being. I had heard about that but I didn't know what it was and I'd never experienced it until that little boy hit my arms and I promised I'm going to be the best father. I'm gonna protect you. You're never gonna be afraid of nothing and I meant it with everything I had. I got after a while. I was up there for a while I got offered another good job in California, and so I came back. And I'm not doing the things I was doing. I wasn't working for the people. I'm trying to live a straight life. I'm very cautious about when I drink and anything else I do because there's always repercussions, and I didn't want any repercussions. So I'm really trying to stay away from it. And we go to a hospital, and the same thing. They came out, and they bring this little girl, and they put this little girls on my arms, and this same thing happened. And I fell head over heels in love with this little girl. You know, I'm kind of an alcoholic. I'll be sitting in one of these A&A meetings. One of you pretty gals will walk in. We'll fall in love. We'll get married. We'll have a couple of kids. You'll cheat on me with that old-timer over there. And I hate your guts. In all actuality, you haven't even got to your chair yet, you know? I mean, I can live a lifetime while you're walking across the room. And I'm looking at this little girl, man, and I'm thinking, This is a female. Someone's got to marry her. I'm going to marry here. Where are we going to have the wedding? What should I wear? I remember that very clearly, thinking these thoughts. And they're going, Please, sir, we need to weigh the baby. But I promised her the same thing. I promised, I'm gonna be the best father you can be. You're never gonna be afraid of anything. You're my princess. I'm Gonna take care of you. And I meant it with everything I had. You know, and for the next few years, I tried to do that to the best of my ability. I had a few little failings, but all in all, I was really trying, trying to do everything just right. I didn't really know how to do it because nobody ever showed me, but I was doing the best I could. And one day, my son was seven years old and school was getting ready to start It was January 6th, 1976. My wife and daughter went to school clothes shopping, and they had the car, and me and my son were playing frisbee, and a fellow came over, and he brought some smoke over, and we smoked it, and it was real hot that day, and I wanted a cold beer so bad. And I told my son, I said, wait right here. I'll be right back. And I got on my bike, and I went up to the store to get a six-pack of beer, and I came right straight back home. And when I got home, the police were in front of my house and the fire department and all the neighbors and I waded through these people and I found out my son had chased me out of the driveway and he'd been run over by a truck. And I found my boy with his head split open and I could see his brains. And a piece of me died. I sat in the hospital for the next six months in intensive care and every day I went in there that doctor told me to pray that he dies. There's nothing to hope for. And every day I don't know nothing about God. I'd never been to church, man. But I heard you people talk about God and I'd be out in that parking lot of that hospital begging God to give me back my son. He said, I'll do anything you give me back my Son. My son survived the body his body did. The little boy was gone forever. I got back a child that never got past the age of about four years old mentally, emotionally. He couldn't hear and he couldn't talk and he spent most of his life for the next 20-some years in and out of hospitals. Went through 27 major brain surgeries throughout his life. In the middle of all this, my brother got real sick and my brother's like my closest confidant all my life. We backed each other's play right or wrong under any conditions. my brother got a disease called schizophrenia and my family had him committed to a hospital he my brother called me he said get me out of here man do whatever you got to do get me out of there I said are you okay he goes they're giving me these pills man but get me out of her they got me in this lockdown ward and I went against the family's wishes the doctor and everyone and I got my brother out of their and I brought it he lived with me he had a little mobile home across the creek from my place. I brought him home, and you know what? I'm getting medical bills from my son. Man, they don't come in envelopes. They're coming in shoeboxes. I've got to make some money, and I called my family in Mexico, and told them what was up, and they put something together for me. Something where I could pay off all those bills. And I took the commitment, and I told my brother, I said, you know, I've Got to go to New York. I'm going to be gone for a while. And I said, I just need you to watch the kid. Watch Janet. My son was in a special hospital. I said I should be back in three days. And he said, man, you can't go. I said man, I got to go. You know the deal, Bill. I'm committed. There's no backing out now. And I handed him some money because money has fixed everything all my life. And I say just hang tight, whatever problem it is, me and you will fix it when I get back. and I got in that cab and I went headed to the airport and I looked and I saw my brother holding my little girl's hand and he was crying and I've never seen my brother shed a tear over anything in my whole life and I go back to New York and this deal took a little bit longer than I planned and I was gone for three weeks and I get back home and my little growl was waiting for me and I said where's my brother she goes we haven't seen him and we went back to his mobile home and I opened his door and he had blown his head off three days after I left, and it was just a big pile of maggots laying in that doorway. My psyche completely snapped. And I'm here to tell you from my heart to yours that I thank God that I'm an alcoholic. I thank Gott that alcohol does what alcohol does for me at that time. Alcohol immediately, immediately takes away guilt. Just one swallow, it's gone. One more swallow, the pictures burned in my brain start getting a little bit fuzzy. A couple more drinks, the screaming stops inside of my head. A few drinks after that, I can function in this world reasonably comfortable. And that's when alcohol changed for me. You know, I don't tell you this part of my story because I want anyone's sympathy or trying to shock you. But in chapter 5, that's read at every single meeting I've ever been to, thank God. There's a little sense that there's those among us who got here with grave emotional and mental disorders. And that's who I am. My psyche was completely smashed. There was nothing left. The only thing that kept me going was alcohol. And things started going quickly. You know, my wife left. She left with some other guy. My son was in a special hospital. Everyone cut me off because I'm nuts. I'm going crazy. I'm mad at this world. I hate this world, only thing I love is my daughter. It's the only thing that I got left. My daughter's crying one night and she's going, what's going on daddy? Everyone's dying, everyone's leaving, you're acting crazy. And I calmed her down and I got her to bed and I said, you know we just hit a bump in the road, I'm gonna catch my breath in a minute and I ain't gonna let nothing happen to you, don't worry honey. And I got her calmed down, and I got her to sleep. And about that time this guy knocked on my door, and he came in, and He brought this stuff that it was another awakening. I doubt if you guys have ever heard of this stuff. In California we call it Mad Dog 2020. You know what that shit is, don't you? And anyone new here that thinks they're maybe being a little bit too hard on themselves about this DNA stuff, you go get you a bottle of Mad Dog. You're an alcoholic. It'll run your rusty ass back in this room so fast you won't even know what happened. Oh, it's called Mad Dog and he vent drank. I drank that Mad Dog and the next thing I know this lady said, excuse me sir, you have to get off the airplane. And I said, what airplane? I was in my living room the last hour. Look, out my eyes I'm on this big wide-bodied jet. It's completely empty except for me and my little girl. This lady is looking at me very perturbed, and I said, what's the problem? She goes, you have to get off the plane, sir. And I said—I'm looking around. I go, where am I? She said, you're in Fort Lauderdale. I said no, no, I hate Fort Laudedale. She goes I don't know nothing about it. You've got to get of the plane. So, you know, my daughter is asleep. I'm just clueless. But she's five. She probably knows what we're doing, you now. So I wake her up, and I said, Jenna, we're here. She opened her eyes, she looked out the window, and she goes, oh, goody. That's all she said. So she's not going to throw me a bone, so I go, okay, let's go. You know, you want to look cool. And I looked in my pockets. I had money. Okay, that's covered. I'm walking on the airport, and I go, okay. So we walk outside. I call a cab. I said, take me to a hotel and stop at a liquor store because they need to figure out what's happened here. I come to butt naked in four-point restraints on this table for just a second I thought I might have missed something really cool. But then I saw that green color on the walls I've been in institutions all over the world they paint them all exactly the same color calming green and if there's bars on the window that's never a good sign and I found out it was a misunderstanding apparently I'd run into a young couple there at this hotel they're in a room next to me they were drinking jack and they had this florida additive, you know, and I'm drinking tequila. And we got together, we drank mine, drank theirs, used their additive. We all wanted more. I said, have you ever heard of Mad Dog 2020? And they hadn't. And I felt like a missionary, you're not. And allegedly, I was in the lobby of this nice hotel in Florida, butt naked trying to introduce myself to this young lady you know i'm from southern california that ain't no big deal you know these people in the bible belt man they get real serious about that kind of stuff they call the cops and you know and they told me it was quite a scene because the cops were chasing me i ain't giving up real quick swinging on curtains and then you know they they all cheat they bring out their chemical warfare and their sticks and start beating on you and you know using the weapons of mass destruction's on your ass. And they took me to the jail, and the captain of the house wouldn't let me in. He said, the man's insane, take him to county mental health. They took me to county middle health, gave me a big use of Thorazine, and calmed my butt right down. And I come to the next morning in that position. And I talked to the psychiatrist when I got a chance, and I told him, I said, you know, I've been through all this stuff, and this is a big mistake. And listen, sir, I'm from California. I just got here. I got money. You let me out of here, I'll be out of this state before the sun sets. And he says, that's a good idea, son. And I don't know where my kid is. You know, and you don't want to ask too many questions. They might call the cops. But, you know, I figured it out. I gave him my clothes. I walk out of his nut house, and there's my daughter with that young couple. And she jumped on my arms. I said, come on, baby. I told you this place sucks. We've got to get out of Florida. And I'd love to tell you if that was the end, but that was the best part of the next three years of that little girl's life and I ain't going to go into all of it but it was just like that for the next three years everywhere we went and I went all over through the south and everywhere we left we left just likethat on a dead run usually at midnight and the last place I was running out of Georgia and I ran into this my daughter met this man on this bus where I had enough money to get into Oklahoma I come to in this bus and she's talking to this guy and she said hey dad this guy says they got a ranch and we can come and live there and he'll help me get in school and he was a real nice young Christian man and come from a good family and he said yes sir we got a little apartment there on the ranch and it's empty right now and I got a sister about the same age as your daughter and we'll get her enrolled in school and you can go to church with us and my daddy will give you some work and we'll help you get your life together. He says, but you can't drink in our ranch. And I went, what? And my little girl's looking at me begging and I'm going, man, this is what I've been promising her over and over and now the opportunity's here. So I said, all right, I'll do it. And I did it and they were the nicest people in the world, man. But they were serious about that no drinking. I worked out there for two weeks without a drink, sicker than a dog shaking like a dog trying to pass a peach pit you know after two weeks he gave me a check and this other guy worked with said hey i'm going into town to cash my check you want to go with me i'll buy you a beer and i ain't got to tell any of you people what happened you know exactly what happened i come too late that night man i got blood on my clothes it ain't mine my little girl sitting there waiting for me and she knows the minute she sees me she knows we're going. She grabs a pillowcase, starts grabbing some things and grabs her raggedy old doll. I change some clothes, wash down. We go out and we steal that man's pickup truck and I get into town and go to that Greyhound bus station and get a bottle of wine and get two tickets to California. And I passed out. When I come to the next morning and I'm sicker than a dog, man. I needed a drink so bad. And my little girl was sitting there next to me and she was rocking back and forth and she's crying. I said, what's the matter? She said, baby. Daddy, I'm so hungry. You haven't fed me. I said, since we stopped here, I am going to get you something to eat. And we stopped and thank God every Greyhound bus station in this great country of America has got a liquor store right next to every place it goes. Thank God. It's real nice. And I got off the Greyhounds and walked in that liquor store to go get her a little sandwich and I got her a sandwich and I bought her a bottle of wine and I only had enough money for one or the other. And I had to put her sandwich back, you know, and I've done a lot of things in this world, but I never done anything that shamed me or haunted me more than that moment. But I didn't have no choice. I couldn't get back on that bus without a drink. And when I got back on that bus and my little girl, she saw that brown paper bag and she knew what was up, man. She just dropped her head and I didn' t look at her. I just walked to the back of the bus. And thank God on that morning there was this elderly lady and she looked over at my daughter she didn't say one word to me but she said honey she goes my daughter made me this big lunch and would you mind sitting with me and helping me eat it like she goes I just hate to ride alone and she took care a wonderful woman took care of my little girl all the way back to California we got back to California I did what all heroes do I went to mom's house I told you a little bit about my mom my mom is probably the meanest woman anybody in this room has ever met. I watched her stab my daddy three different times. I watched one time a neighbor yelled at me she snuck up behind him and knocked him cold right in the driveway with a shovel. And when she beat you whatever was in her hand it was really painful when she had a ball-peen hammer in her hands when she got mad at you. You know, I mean whatever she had in her head that's what you got hit with. She took no prisoners and she ate the babies, man. I mean, she was mean. And she was mad all the time about everything. I went there. My mother, I hadn't seen nothing from her or talked to her since I left when I was 13. And I walked up there and I knocked on her door. And she saw her granddaughter and the condition she was in. And she looked at her granddaughter. And she grabbed her and put her in her house. She looked at me with a look of hate I'd never seen her give anybody. and she said, if I ever see you again, if you ever come near me or this child again, I'll kill you. Get off my property. And I left and thank God for my mom because she took care of my daughter and saved her life. You know, the next three years, I don't know nothing about it. It's all hearsay. Some of it was documented. I know that I went to jail 52 times on one corner. I know I was in Tri-City Hospital 12 different times and I know it was at County Mental Health for a pier altogether of about six months, and that was two or three days, 30 days, 15 days, five days at a time. The rest of the time I was panhandling for wine, and I lived in a little bush on the Pacific Coast in a real town called Carlsbad, California. There was a 7-Eleven right across Pacific Coast Highway, and I panhandled for wine there, and there was a bush, a big bamboo patch with a septic tank from this restaurant up on the cliff drained down into it, and I lived in that, right where that septic tank drained and nobody went in there because it smelled real bad. But man, that was my little casita. I was a high-bottom drunk, you know. I was on the beach of Southern California, my little condo. I'm standing in front of that 7-Eleven one morning and I'm physically addicted to alcohol. I cannot not drink. I have no choice about it. I drink. I drink until you lock me up and as soon as you detox me and let me back out I start drinking again I'm standing out in front of the 7-Eleven I know I'm getting ready to go into a seizure I've been into a few grand mal seizures because I couldn't get her to drink on the sidewalk and this guy no, I had 67 cents I remember that a short dog cost 87 cents and this guys wouldn't cut me no slack and nobody would give me a penny and I was shaking so bad and this four-door sedan pulled up and it's got this square dude in a suit and short hair. He's got the square little wife sitting there next to him and these square little kids sitting in the back seat. I don't know how they could live like that, but I just looked at him. And the guy got out of the car and he walked over to me and he brought me two $1 bills and he said, excuse me, sir, will this help you? And I almost tore his hand off taking those two bucks, man. And I got in there, got me a quart of wine and a short dog. I came outside. I put that short dog straight down and held my face against that cold glass until the shaking stopped a little bit and opened my eyes. I saw that family all sitting there and they're all looking at me and they were talking. I know they're talking about me. I turned around, flipped them off and cursed them and went back to my bush with my bottle of wine. And I'm laying there with that bottle of line sucking on it and out of nowhere I hear this. I don't know if it was an auditory hallucination. I have no idea what it was. But someone said, maybe you ought to go to AA. And that was a weird thing to hear, you know? See, I've been to AA, those nut houses and the different jails and we got a real active AA fellowship in Carlsbad, California. That's Cliff Roach's group. We always got some 90-day wonder one down there to save people. I always con them out of enough money to get a half pint at least. And I'd go to these meetings and they'd talk about that stuff. I'd tell them I'm not an alcoholic. I'm a drug addict. I just can't afford any drugs. And they'd say, well, you know what? You find yourself drinking and you don't want to drink. Why don't you come to A&A and we'll love you. You can love yourself. And that was the lamest thing I ever heard in my life. A guy said that to me. I damn near smacked him. But I don't know how it happened. I swear I don'T. I always like to... We've all heard of blackouts. When you drink port wine all day long, every single day for a number of years, you get to experience after a while what we call whiteouts. And a whiteout is you're in a blackout continuously every single day, all day, but every once in a while you come to and everyone's looking at you like, well, now you're going, and then it fades to black. And then all of a sudden you come too and everyone is looking down at you and you're gone. You don't know how you got there. You don'T want to really know. Well, I had a whiteout And I'm standing in front of this group of people Looked just like y'all And there was this guy at a podium I'm sitting at that back door right there And this guy's looking at me And he said Are you looking for AA? Everyone turned around and looked at me And they're all looking at my face And they look like me And they looked like you folks My hair come down to about here Under my ass My beard came down to my belly button I weighed about 110 pounds A lot of things lived on me besides me. I've been living in the same clothes for almost three years, and I was a vision to behold. They tell me that I had the craziest look they've ever seen on a human being on the streets. I've seen them locked up like that, but they've never seen one quite that nuts. They tell you I had a distinct aroma. And they ask me to identify myself, and I'm looking at these people, Well, I've lost the ability to talk a while back, especially when I get nervous. I don't have a lot of meaningful conversations with people. They said, would you like to identify yourself? And I went, ah! And the guy got a big grin on his face and said, welcome, have a seat. Everybody smiled, clapped. You guys said you were going to love me until I could love myself. I saw a pretty young lady sitting there. I scooted right up next to her. She screamed, ran for her sponsor. So I'm sitting there all alone and you guys will start talking and you're talking about all this personal stuff. I got very embarrassed for all of you. Where I come from, you don't share that kind of stuff in the public. I'm just going, man, this is the lamest bunch of people I've ever seen in my life. Now they're starting to talk about God a lot. I'm going, uh-oh, I see that basket coming. Here we go. When that basset comes by me, I grab two bucks out of it, put it in my pocket. No one said a word. I'm like, well, this is nice. And then this one guy, he starts getting really talking about it, got really heavy. And I'm just going, man, oh, man. I've got to get out of here. I've Got $2 in my Pocket. Man, that's burning a hole. I can get a whole quart of wine with this, man? That's all I can think. I'm obsessed. I'm going to go get a drink now. There was this one old gal. She kept looking at it from the minute I walked in that room. and she was my angel and I got ready to leave man I stood up this guy was talking this lady's little tiny little thing she looked at me and she stopped that guy cold she said excuse me son she goes please please don't leave and she started walking towards me you remember that movie the Blues Brothers remember the nun she moved just like that I didn't see her feet move she just kind of And she's talking about 27 years of continuous sobriety in Alcoholics Anonymous. She's telling me about walking in the room, not on her own. The cops took her to a meeting in Long Beach, California and said, We are tired of arresting you. Go in here. Maybe these people can help you. And she walked in and she saw you people and she wanted to leave because she felt dirty. She said, I've been on the streets of Los Angeles since I was 13 years old. And I'd done everything a woman had to do to survive. And when I saw you people, I was ashamed and I was embarrassed and I wanted to hide. But a woman grabbed hold of me and put her arm around me and brought me into that room and got me a cup of coffee and told me, please don't go. And she talked about 27 years of continuous sobriety. She talked about a group of women who grabbed hold to her and taught her how to be a lady, about a sponsor that took her through those 12 steps I helped her get an education and talked about a life, a life in Alcoholics Anonymous and all the joys and sorrows. And she never had to drink and she never hade to go back. And by the time she got done talking, she's right up on top of me. And I'm looking at her. I'm blown away, man. And she looks at me and she grabs me by the head and she pulled my face down. She put both arms around my neck and kissed me right on the mouth. That's the bravest woman I ever met in my life, man, And she's squeezing on my neck I don't know what to make of this, man And she squeezed into my neck And she says this She says, darling She says baby, please Please don't leave We need you here desperately Please don' t go You know people have been beating on me all my life Ain't nobody ever made me cry And that old gal said that Man, I'm standing in front of the PTA And all of a sudden my eyes start watering up My belly starts rumbling and I'm sniving like a little schoolgirl right in front of the PTA, man. And I start coming to A&A, and y'all lied to me right from the beginning. A bunch of you folks told me, said, well, just don't drink and go to meetings. I'm not a problem drinker. I am an alcoholic. Alcohol is not my problem. Alcohol, if I'm drinking alcohol, it's your problem. I have no problem with alcohol, you know. I have an acute allergic reaction to sobriety. I was at a meeting with a gal the other day, and she goes, I tried to quit drinking one time, and I couldn't imagine why you would voluntarily want to feel like that. And I knew exactly what she was talking about. I'm going, You people want to be like that? Do you want to go feel like this? I mean, how do you sleep? How do you do about Chucky? And he said, just don't drink. Go to meetings. I just don' t drink. I'd go to meetings and I'd sit there and I listened to people. When I was with you guys, I could be okay. And I'd got a coffee with you and if I could with you and you guys talking to me, I could okay. But then you'd go back to your meeting with the lives and you'd leave me alone. And I go back to my bush and I lay there in that septic tank and I go insane. and I'd have to drink or sometimes I could stay sober for two, three days. Sometimes I couldn't but I kept coming back. I kept going back to this one meeting in Carlsbad, California and I came to that meeting not because it was such a good meeting but it had great members of Alcoholics Anonymous there and I'm going to tell you what a great member of Alcoholic Anonymous is. I come to that meet and I was an animal. I smelled bad. They knew I stole their money. And I'd get to that door, and people like Cliff R. And his sponsor Bill. And my sponsor today Pat. And another guy Skip. They'd meet me at that door and they'd say, God, thank God you made it, Kip. It's so good to see you. Not one of them told me what I had to do. They didn't tell me to do nothing. They said, come on in and have a seat, son. And they'd get me a cup of coffee. and they welcomed me and they made me feel important every time I walked in that room nobody else did that to me anywhere I could not hear what anyone was saying but I responded to their unconditional kindness I could now understand why they were being kind to me it was the only place it happened and I kept coming back there you know and after a period of time I started getting brief periods of recovery still followed by a worse relapse. They told me that I had to take these steps. None of these steps applied to me, you know. They said that I was powerless. I've been carrying a gun since I was 14 years old. I have never been powerless, you now. They said my life's unmanageable. I like it that way. I mean, who really wants to know what's going to happen next, you kno? What a boring way to live. I like to live on the edge and kind of lean against the wind a little bit. You know, I talked about this God. I cried out to your God a million times. Your God don't cut me no slack. He don't like people like me. He likes those people that live in the suburbs. People like me just piss him off. So I don't need your God. You know how I talked to you? I talked a lot about this inventory. I said, what's an inventory? They go, well, you've got to write down everything you've ever done and share it with another human being. I am a career criminal and I pride myself on no paper trails of any of my activities and now you people want me to write everything down and share it with the PTA I don't quite think you would understand the world I come from and the things I've had to do in my life I couldn't even imagine doing that I went right past it I got to this defects I go, what's this? I don't know what that even means. But the next one, I said, what is an amends? What does that mean? Oh, you've got to go face every person you've ever harmed and make it right. Oh, that's just lovely. Loopy, don't shoot, brother. Give me a minute. Listen, man, I'm sorry I shot you and your brother and your dog and took all your stuff. But I'm in a spiritual manner of living today. And I'm here to make things right. Hardly wait to jump on that one. And that's one of the easy ones. You guys didn't quite understand. My case is just a little bit different than yours. And I can't do any of this stuff, but you know, I want what you got. I don't even know what it is what you've got. And I don't want what all of you got. I don'T want what all of You got today. But there's some people on Alcoholics Anonymous that I watched. I'm a watcher, man. I watch people. And I watched them. These people walked just exactly the way they talked. Not in the AA rooms, but outside of their rooms. They just weren't talking through the side of their neck. You know, I watched him. I watched horrible things happen in their lives and they didn't drink and they didn't run and they did not hurt nobody. And they walked with dignity and they talked about this power. They talked about these steps that had changed them. And I don't know what it was, I didn't understand, but I saw it in their eyes and I wanted it. They were at peace with themselves and I want it. Man, if I could have knocked one of you in the head out in an alley and taken it from you, I would have got it. I know how to get stuff. And I kept coming to A&E, I kept hoping it would rub off and it didn't rub off. And I'd get brief periods of sobriety and the last one was New Year's Eve or Christmas, Christmas Eve I got drunk and I got in a fight with the cops lost again. They cheat. Every time they cheat. You know, get in a flight with some get in an event get in fight with a cop and try to call your friends. You know? Hey, this guy's going to kick I need your help down here. You know. They call all their buddies man, everyone jumps in with a stick let me hit him let me get him. You know It beat the hell out of me, but it ain't no big deal. I come through the next morning, Christmas morning, butt naked one more time, hog tied, my face had been bleeding, I'm stuck to that rubber mat, trying to peel my face off and I look up. Cops are looking down at the portholes laughing at me and I know Santa ain't coming. They let me go. I mean, I was in and out of that jail constantly. They knew me on a first-name basis. They said, well, Merry Christmas, Kip, we'll see you later. And they gave me my stuff back. I don't know where it came from. I had $90, man. I had 90 dollars in 100 years. And I made a constant, going back to AA, AA don't work for me. I'm that person they talk about in chapter 5, man, this ain't gonna work for you. God bless. Only thing that has never lied to me is alcohol. Only thing that has ever taken away the pain is alcohol The only thing that has stopped the screaming in my head at midnight was alcohol. The only things that got rid of that loneliness so intense if it was a tangible thing, it would have absolutely eaten me alive, was alcohol. And I made a decision, man, I'm going to drink. I'm gonna drink. And I went and spent every penny of that money on Gallup Port wine. It took me two trips to get it back to my little hooch. This marine had let me move into this little place below his. And I started drinking like I'd never drank before. On January 6th of 1984, I hit that place they talk about in a vision for you and I know what it smells like tastes like and feels like says there'll come a time in your life where you cannot imagine life with alcohol or life without it and even coming to AA for a long time and AA don't work for you brothers and sisters let me tell you something the day the liquor stops working you're going to go lonely since few people can even possibly comprehend and there ain't no place left to go There ain't nowhere to go. And when I hit that spot, man, it says, and you will learn this if people can imagine, you'll come to the jumping off spot and you'll wish for the end. And the thought of living one more day was the most terrifying thought I've ever had in my life. And I pulled out my gun and I put it up to my heart and I pulled the trigger and I blew my left lung and two ribs out and knocked me all the way across the room. And I'm sliding down this wall and blood's flying everywhere and the only thought I got is thank God this nightmare is over with. just let me out of here. I don't care where I'm headed. Anywhere I'm heading is better where I am. When I come to in this hospital, you thought I'd die, didn't you? Yeah. For me to drink is to die. It's been my experience that only the lucky ones get to die and I ain't afraid of dying. There was an old man in AA I hated his guts His name was Charlie Tuck He's gone now He's at the big meeting Charlie came up to me In an A&A meeting one night When I was coming in and out of there And he got right dead in my face He looked me right in the eye He said you think you're pretty tough Don't you kid I looked him right in your eye Gave him my best mad dog look I said, old man, don't you ever doubt I'm not tough Don't ever try me And he looked at me and he got this big grin I mean, he put his nose right on top of mine He just He says, you ain't tough You're the scariest son of a bitch In this room That might make you dangerous, son But it sure as hell don't make you tough And he walked away kind of giggling You know Man, I avoided that man like the plague I'd go into one of them A&A meetings I'd look in all the windows make sure that fool wasn't in there you know I come to man I've been dead and I hear this voice Charlie had this deep gravelly voice and I come through and I heard this deep voice and I open my eyes and there's Charlie he's standing at the foot of my bed he's got these two dumb newcomers with him their eyes are as big as saucers and they're staring at me I know I've died I've gone to hell and this is it eternity this old fool preaching A&A I'm chained to this gurney can't get a drink can't go to church can't give it away I got tubes coming out of every hole in my body and a few new ones I'd made and this was it forever and Charlie's looking at me and he just gave me a look I'd never seen him quite look before but he put his arm around these two young fellas He says, fellas, I want you to pay attention to this fellow here. Get up down there and get up next to him. And the guys go around and I said, look at him. Look at his eyes. Lifted up the sheets and said, look at all these tubes coming. Oh my God. Come back here. I said I want your attention to pay to this fool. Now this is a prime example of what will happen to an alcoholic if he refuses to take the steps. Come on, let's go. And they left. I felt cheap and used, you know. I'm proud to tell you that those two guys are still sober to this day. I watch them take a cake every year, and they thank me from the podium every single year. I was doing active 12-step work long before I got sober. I got out of the hospital at the end of April. I did a lot of damage to myself that I still pay for to this day. I started drinking the minute they let me go, and liquor didn't work. Nothing worked. I wanted to die. They took away my gun. They wouldn't give it back. And I wantedto die, andliquor didn'twork,and dope didn't working, women didn'tworking,nothing worked. I was the loneliest,the scaredest human being onthis face of this earth. And I come toon May 12th,1984,the same way I've come to a thousand times. Usually the first thought I have when I gain consciousness is I need to get something in my body to alter my conscience immediately. But that morning, something was different. I'd been around you people too much. You'd poisoned my mind. Because that morning what I'm hearing, it isn't about where I'm at a drink. I'm here and the ABC's red. That's a weird thing to hear at 5 o'clock in the morning when you're laying there thinking about where you're going to get a drink and I'm thinking I'm an alcoholic. I'm powerless over alcohol. Now, I got paperwork from the state of California classifying me as a chronic alcoholic. At that period of my life, the state of California was in the process of making me a ward of the state for chronic alcoholism. It had become obvious to everybody involved that I was a danger to myself and others, and I wasn't going to have to go to jail no more. I would just go to Patton Hospital, Patton State Hospital. It was sounding good. And I know I am an alcoholic, but the first step, since I admitted, I don't mean nothing I've admitted to lots of people I was an alcoholic I admitted to parole officers I admitted it to wives I admitted her to sponsors to people all over the place I'd always say yeah I'm an alcoholic but the question is and that step is in my innermost self it ain't here what I'm going to tell you in here where I live where no one else can see what does alcoholism mean What does powerless over alcohol mean to your very soul? And my God gave me a vision that morning. And I remembered the day it was like I was watching a movie and they put that little girl in my arms and I was watchin' it and I felt that love, I felt THAT incredible love knowin' I'd give my life for that child without even a hesitation. And immediately went to that picture of this man walkin' right by her on that bus and that little girlin' holdin' her stomach because she's so hungry. And that man walking by his own daughter with a bottle of wine, and he would steal the food right out of her mouth to get another drink. And I understood for the very first time exactly what alcoholic means. What power... I wasn't just powerless over alcohol. Alcohol was my master. It ran every aspect of my life. It told me where I could go, how far I could grow, who I could draw with, when I could lay down, when I had to get up. And there was no room for nobody in my life unless you were helping me drink. And that's what I'd been using my daughter for. I got real honest and got to look at it. I used my daughter to panhandle with, man. A lot of people would take me in because I had a daughter. They'd buy me a drink. They'd take care of me because I was a kid. If it would have been just me, it wouldn't have been as easy. And I used her. I used she as my daughter. You know? And I got really embarrassed and I got to the next part, the part that I've been avoiding for a long time. There's no human power. a lot of people there's a lot of good most people in this world are good people they really are people had reached out to me in every walk of life and stuck their hand out to try to help me good Christian people good Muslim people people in alcoholics anonymous people in the correctional facilities people inthe mental health industry a bunch of different women had tried to help me a bunchof people in AA had triedto help me and I had tried to helpme as much as I could I wanted to be sober more than anybody in this world that ever wanted to be sober. But I could not stop. And then I got to this other place that God couldn't would if he were shot. Man, I've been avoiding that since I got here. You know, but I started thinking about the people, I was telling you, about the people who had what I wanted and it wasn't their money, it wasn't our women, it wasn' t their stuff. It was the way they walked through life with dignity on the sunny side of the street no matter what was going on. And all those people talked about the same thing and i got on my knees up more than i said this prayer that ain't changed any from that day to this says you know i don't know who you are and i sure hope it don't make no difference but i will do anything that you put in front of me if i don'T HAVE TO DRINK TODAY and i GOT UP ON MY KNEES AND I SUDDENLY KNEW I'M I KNOW I'M ONE OF GOD'S FAVORITE CHILDREN MAN BECAUSE RIGHT THEN AND THERE SOMETHING MAGIC HAPPENED TO ME I DON'T HAVE THE VOCABULARY TO explain it to you, but it was the very first time of my existence that I knew without a shadow of a doubt that I wasn't going to have to drink if I could hold on to that. So where do I get? I get over to Charlie Tuck's house because where else can I go? And I get over to Charley's house and knock on the door and here's wife St. Edie, wonderful member of Al-Anon, 40 some years when she passed on and she opened that door and she looked at me and she goes oh Jeff oh Charlie's gonna be so excited you're his favorite I found out she told everybody to that she told the mailman that you know nobody needed to hear it more than I did that morning man she said why don't you go out on the back patio Charlie'll be out in a minute Charlie came out man. He walked out there. He got that big old blue book with him. I think it was kind of attached to him. He sits down and he says, good morning, Kip. What can I do for you? I said, Charlie, I don't want to drink no more. He goes, yeah, you've been saying that for a long time. I said yeah, but I don' t want to rank no more and he goes, Yeah. He looked at me for a long time and he said, Kipp, are you done? I say, Charlie. I said I know nothing about God but I know you do. And I'm going to pray to your God that I'm done. And he goes, that's not bad. And he looked at me again and he says, Kippy, he says I got some good news and I got some real bad news for you. Bad news is people like you don't get sober. People like you die in institutions. You die on the side of the road. They don't even bother to write your name down. Good news is I've been around here for a while. I'm looking into your eyes and I can see a teeny little sparkle And I know what that is God has opened a door for you And this is the way it's got to be One day at a time, every day of your life from this day forward One simple fact that absolutely nothing Absolutely nothing No woman, no job, no child No nothing in this world Can ever be more important than you doing the things that you must do To maintain your sobriety and sign that as a hell of a lot more than just going to AA meetings. Are you willing to do it? I said, I'll do anything you tell me to do. And he said, good, follow me. And it was on Mother's Day. He lived right across the street from this big park and all these folks were having big picnics with their families and everything. He walks right in amongst all these straight folks, drops on his knees. I said what are you doing? He said we're going to pray. I said in front of all these people? He said, Kip, these people have been stepping over you for years. He said, the only hope you've got is God. And if God embarrasses you, don't waste his time or mine. He started to get up. I said, wait a minute, wait an minute. You know, and I dropped down on my knees. And that old man took my hands, and he said that third step with me the very first time in my life. And he took me back to his room. He had a little room in the back, and he was one of the first tapers in A out in Southern California. He loved Norm Alpey. Some of you new people probably know who Norm is. Norm could do a six-hour pitch in 10 minutes. He'd have like six hours of Norm Alpe, reel-to-reel tape. And he'd put me in there and the men he sponsored, they came in there and they detoxed me on Cairo syrup, whiskey and a little bit of orange juice for the first couple of days and they started giving me broth and these men came in to tell me their stories. They'd talk to me, they'd clean me when I messed myself, they'd help me when i shook. I didn't know what their angle was but they were there, there was someone there all the time and then on the fifth day The shaking had stopped, and Charlie walks in, and he looks at me. He goes, all right, son. Alcoholics Anonymous is a program of action. Are you ready? I said, yes, sir. What do I do? He said, get in the car. I thought that was the first step for the next eight years. I said where are we going? He said we're going to detox. I go, I'm detoxed. He says not for you. we're going to go down and carry the message down to 111 Island Street I go, I know one, I got sober there a lot of times and he goes, good and so he gets in the car Charlie had lost his right eye in a gunfight in Chicago and he had a glass eye and he'd get up on Interstate 5 and he put those front wheels on those little bumps and when you had a newcomer with him he had to talk to you all the time and you had to keep looking at you to make sure you were paying attention and he would drive by Braille all the way to San Diego, you know. And we'd get to San Diego, and you know this guy knows God on a first-name basis by the time you get there. We walk in the detox, the people that detox at 111 Island, they say, oh, you're dropping Kip off, you Know, because I've been there 100 times. And they said, no, no he's with me, and they went, no shit. So I walk in, and I know all these guys on the mat, they're all buddies of mine. They walk in and Charlie gives a spiel, and he says, now I want you to hear from my good friend Kip here. He hasn't had a drink in five days. These guys are all looking at me. They go, you know. I looked at this fellow. I said, You know what, man? You guys know me. I said five days ain't no big deal. I said well, I'm going to tell you something a big deal and I don't understand what it is. I haven't wanted to take a drink in five days. And that ain't never happened to me before. I said I don' t know what this old man's got going on but it sure is a hell of a lot better than what I've got going on and I'm gonna hang with him. And these guys got kind of interested, man, because they never heard me talk like that before you know they all came up after me the meeting they wanted to talk to me a little bit and i started sharing with them a little big not that i had that much but i mean i had five days they didn't have any and i walked out of that that detox and charlie grabbed me said he pinned me he says how do you feel i said what do you mean i said how do yo feel i go wow i can't describe it try it's just a real powerful he says that's it that's the music of alcoholics anonymous you can't hear it unless you give it away he goes oh i'm so glad you heard that and he gets in the car and that old man laid out a course of vigorous action i was in a meeting of alcoholics anonymous every single day i had to have a commitment at every meeting i went you said you stand out the front of that meeting you shake hands with every person that walks in that room ask them how they are act like you care don't tell them anything about you unless they ask and then only in a general way do not borrow any money from anyone do not buy any cigarettes from anybody keep your hands off the women. You want to hug someone, you hug one of those hairy-legged boys. And he said, and that's it. He said, if anyone needs help in an AA meeting, if your hand isn't the first in the air, I will hear about it. Because being a member of Alcoholics Anonymous is not a right, it is a privilege. Don't ever let me hear you talk about gratitude unless you're practicing it, because this is a program of action, not talk. And that's the way, well, I come up on 90 days. I said, I've got 90 days. He said, so what? 90 and 90. He goes, show me where it says that in the book. Doesn't say that. I said, well, how long do I got to go to meetings? He said. Well, how you want to stay sober? I said. Well, forever. And he goes. Well, then I'll just keep doing what you're doing. So I was at a meeting every single day for the next eight years, you know. And he made me do stupid stuff. He made me get a job. He made me get a haircut. He made my shave. He took me down and he bought me some clothes at Goodwill, you know? And things started happening. He said, alcohol. I said, well, I just want to go to meetings. He said no, sober people work. Sober people pay their way. We have traditions in AA too. And we practice those in our lives as well as the steps. He goes, sober members of Alcoholics Anonymous work. They pay their weigh in this world. they've been a drag on everybody and everything their whole lives. They start paying their way. That's part of recovery. And I said, yeah, but they want all my money. When I got my first paycheck, he says, they won't take one penny of your money if you gave it to them. I go, what do you mean? He goes, they just want their money. I went, oh, well, that's a strange concept. And he made me pay my bills on time. And he made me, the thing he taught me, the most important thing Charlie gave me was he said one simple word that I've watched get watered down in a lot of areas that I have been. And that's the one word that will save an alcoholic's life and that word is called commitment. And commitment as a member of Alcoholics Anonymous where I come from, that means something really different than the people out on the streets. I don't know about you all, but I used up all my excuses the day before I got here. And you tell us you're going to do something. There's only one excuse for you not doing it. You died on the way there. Period. And that's the way I was raised in Alcoholics Anonymous. He says, you don't take a commitment unless you have the ability to do the commitment. Commitment goes a word we call responsibility. And that is two words. The ability to respond. Don't take a commitment to make the coffee if it's across town and you have to depend on Tom to drive you there. Now it's Tom's commitment, it's not yours. But you make commitments, find out what you can do and you do it and you sew up and you show up and that will bring you in and bring you a part of. And that's what I used to be. He had me involved in service and I'm in meetings every single night. I was involved in the hospital institutional committee at six months sober And by the time I was a year sober, I was in charge of the correctional facilities for all of San Diego County. At 10 years sobriety, I had everything, man. I didn't know it, but God knew it. I was an artist. I was painter, and I didn' t know that. But he put me in a position, and I went to work for this man, and he taught me how to paint, and I became a painting contractor. I met a woman at three years sober, and And she liked to fish, and she got sober on the same day. So that's God's will, you know? We got married at three years sober in the state of California. I started sponsoring a judge. And through that judge, he got my whole record completely sealed and got my driver's license back, which is a 45-minute talk all in itself, you know? And I got home, and I saved up my money, and I bought a brand-new truck, and I paid cash because my sponsor wouldn't let me buy anything on credit. And I got home, and the phone was ringing, and I picked up the phone, and it was this girl. She said, Is your name Kip? And I said, Yeah. She said、Do you know Sandy? So I said、Wow, a long time ago. She goes、That's my mother, and you're my father, and I want to meet you, and I don't want to be your father. And I want you to meet your grandchildren. And then I went, Wow, okay. I don't know about y'all Learn what's in that big book That's easy Hardest thing I've done since I walked in these rooms Was unlearn what I already knew when I walked In here And I had a lot of unlearning to do And I still do I came in here with a lot Of old ideas about color Institutions I've been in Man we don't step across those lines I went down to this park to go meet My daughter and she opened that back door and my granddaughters got out and my granddaughter's are black and my little granddaughter she comes up to me and she's got blue eyes she's Got My Nose got this beautiful chocolate skin she goes she puts her head she goes you ain't my grandpa my heart exploded in my chest man I fell head over heels and with that little girl Larissa I picked her up I loved on her I said baby I'm your grandpa Don't you ever doubt that. And God washed all that nasty stuff right out of my heart right then and there. And that's the way God has done everything with me by getting rid of old ideas. I say, I ain't going to go there. Then he goes, oh yeah? Watch this. You know, things started happening in my life, man. I made a lot of money. I got the big house. I got The Boat of My Dreams. You know? I still at that period of time owned a bunch of commercial property with my ex-wife. and she was all strung out on dope and she's with this crazy guy and they wanted to sell that property and it was worth about a million dollars. I said, you give me custody of my two kids and you can have it all. And she did and I sold it and I traded my kids for that property and I got my son and my daughter and that little boy. The men in Alcoholics Anonymous I met had handicapped children and they taught me how to be a father to a handicapped child. They taught me how to get involved in the school and get involved with the Special Olympics Committee and special children and brain injured children and I got very involved in all kinds of different things. And that little boy, they told me to pray that he died. I got him involved in this school and I was the only one and I get involved and at the age of 23 years old he graduated from high school and he walked down that aisle and my whole home group was there and he had that cap and gown on and he harked down and he said I love you dad and he gave me that diploma and you guys gave that to me. You gave that to me That little girl I drug all over the country that little girl I expose that little girl to things no child should have been exposed the power of the ninth step my sponsor laid it out to me man he says I went to tell my daughter she goes daddy all I ever wanted you to do is be happy and be sober and that's good enough for me I said no it ain't you're telling me you forgive me for everything I've ever done I said I have no idea what I've done to you I've been so self-obsessed with alcohol passed out drunk using you to panhandle with. You have no idea. And I have no idea how I've hurt you. I have no idea how many times I've embarrassed you, how many times I have scared you, how many dreams of yours I've shattered. You're going to tell me you forgive me for everything? You got some homework girl. You need to go do some writing. My daughter has a master's degree in education. She knows how to do homework. And that little girl she went and did an inventory and she sat there in my living room and she told me six hours and she we cried and she jumped up and she knocked the hell out of me two different times you know and we laughed and we cried and she read everything and she got that all because all that stuff belonged to me it wasn't her stuff that was my stuff she got that out of her heart and i said and you still you forgive me for all of that she just said do daddy a few years later a little guy came up knocked on my door and he says excuse me sir I want to marry your daughter Your daughter said I have to have your permission And I traded that right For a bottle of wine Through the power Of Alcoholics Anonymous At Ninth Step You gave me back my daughter I said fool I said you drank He goes no sir I said do you got a job Because I'm a pilot For American Airlines I said alright I said let me explain Something to you son He said what's that I said if you ever lay a hand on anger on my daughter don't you ever sleep in the same place twice you understand he goes yes sir i said all right and i gave them a wedding that i dreamed about the day she was born down at tory pines beach in la jolla i mean only rich people do this kind of stuff and i mean it was first class they've been married for almost 18 years and when they were married 12 years I finished paying for that wedding and I walked her down the aisle the day I dreamed about the day she was born and I traded that right y'all gave that back to me I got back I was I went to Australia and I spoke over there and I came back and I'm looking at my home I'm looking at myself I've got more money than I've ever made in my life i've got my truck i got my boat i i got a.a i've got so many friends all over this world i'm imagine how do you get from that bush where i was at to here and i opened up the newspaper and i started reading the story and there's a man this man broke into this woman's house and he took a knife and he cut her to pieces and it was my daughter I'm perfectly capable of first degree murder if you touch my children and I got to that hospital she lost her face and her arm and her breast and she didn't look human and I wanted vengeance where I come from you don't touch someone's children he's in jail which is fine that's perfect people in jail that owe me lots of favors I'll keep them in cigarettes for the next 20 years I'm struggling I can't talk about it because I don't like co-defendants I'm nuts I can' t go to a meeting it's just all ice cold inside of me and I'm walking around and I' m nuts and I am insane and my mirror and my spine says nothing nothing can be more important than me doing what I gotta do and I''m reading that book. I ain't looking for a solution. I'm looking for a loophole. And there ain't nothing here. You got a resentment against someone? I'm going to tell you, man, I've looked. All it says is that it's a dubious luxury of normal people. But for people like me, it's absolute poison. It don't say unless someone rapes your daughter. It just tells me flat out for me to harbor those kind of feelings, it will cut me off from God. And the day that I'm cut off from god, the insanity will return and I will have to drink. When you walk in this room, we ask you, are you willing to go to any lengths? If you really knew what that meant, you wouldn't even come in here. I'm going to tell all of you something. Most of you old-timers, you know what I'm talking about. I don't care how well you do this A&A deal. I doesn't care who your sponsor is. There's going to come a time you're going to have a midnight. And that's some time when there ain't no one around to impress. It's just you. You and your God. And something's going to come up that's so unacceptable to you that you're going to get to find out if there's absolutely any conditions on you being here or not. And that's when you're going to find a way to get out of it. You're going get to figure out maybe you did a little bit light on that fourth step. Maybe you're a little too busy to pick up that newcomer and take him to a meeting that time. Or you got that new car and you don't want that drunk to puke in your new car. Or there's a game on and you can't make it to your home group because the playoffs are one of those little millions There's the little excuses that we have to come up with. You're going to get to find out if maybe you had one excuse short, you know? I got down on my knees because that's what the book told me to do. It told me if I got a resentment I can't get rid of, I've got to get on my knee and pray for that animal. And the hardest thing I've ever done since I landed on your planet was to do that. And I got on my knees and I prayed for that man. And I prayed für that man, and I preyed für that men. I've worked with so many convicts over the years. I've heard so many different stories. I've got quite a colorful past myself. I've never done anything like what that man did. But I know for one thing, in fact, once I take it, the guy, man was an alcoholic and a drug addict and when I put alcohol on my body, I can no longer predict what else I'll put in my body or what I'll pop my body into. All options are open when I take a drink. And I started getting a little bit of compassion for this other human being, this other drug addict, this other alcoholic. And I don't forgive him, but there was an empathy and an understanding and the insanity went away and I was able to cry. I wasable to be there for my daughter and I had the resources to help her and my grandchildren and she got through it and she's doing pretty good today. And my grandkids are wonderful. They've given me 12 grandchildren. Now I've got four great-granddaughters, nine kids all together, seven girls and two boys. I'll never be the same. That happened, man, and I didn't have to drink, and AA worked. The program worked absolutely. I didn'T have to hurt nobody. I didn' t have to hit myself. I didn''t drink. And I was just amazed. Right after that, they told me I had a cancer. They're going to do this radical surgery. They asked me if I was allergic to anything. I said, Anything that affects me from the neck up? And they went, What are you talking about? I said, I can't take any of your pain medication. I'm going through a lot of emotional pain right now, and if you put anything in my body to block it, I don't know if I'll ever be able to stop. He goes, It's non-addictive. I go, If it affects me from the neck up, trust me, it's addictive. He goes well, I said doctor, have you ever seen an active heroin addict? And he goes, Well, in the hospital. I said no, in your living room. He goes what do you mean? I said you put dope in my blood. In my body, I'm calling you daddy. You are responsible for that moment on you want to take on that response start something You're going to have to finish it. I said I didn't know none of your dope And I ain't telling no one not to do with your dope you do anything you want To do i'm only in charge of my recovery and I went through that surgery with absolutely no dignity whatsoever I swined and sniveled and the guys I sponsor they're all big hardcore bikers They came over and laughed at me made jokes because they cut my mouth all the way down like this and then sewed it all back up together where you couldn't move your mouth and they'd come over and make me laugh and tell me jokes, sick bastards. But they took care of me and I didn't have to do anything. You know, not only that, my wife, I love this woman. I came home and she was crying. I said, what's the matter? She goes, Kip, I can't do this no more. I'm going to drink. I said what are you talking about? She goes Kip I'm a lesbian and I'm in love with Chrissy and I have to go. And I didn' t know what to say man. I thought I'd forgotten to take the trash out or something. You know, I didn't have no tools for that. And when I don't know what to do, man, I start screaming and yelling and, you know, intimidating. And that's what I started calling her every name in the book. You know? And because she was Catholic, I joined the Catholic Church and I got to know this priest that was sober in a real... A guy named Father Bill Wilson. And he was my confessor in the church. Tom knew Tom Bill. And a great member of Alcoholics Anonymous. So I'm going to go down to the church supposedly to get counseling, but actually what I'm going to do, I'm gonna rat her out. That's what I am going to do. I want a bolt of lightning, at least excommunication. You know, I want the Knights of Columbus to come up and ride up a spear or something. I want some action here. You know? I'm telling him all this story. He's looking at me. He goes, oh Kip, he says, oh you poor thing lad. You must feel like life is screwed just squirting. Yeah son. And I'm gone, yeah father, just about like that. So what do you think? He says, well, I think you make me sick. That's what I think. He goes, you're always talking to that book. You ever bothered to read it or practice what it says? What do you mean? Well, you know, let's turn to page 60. Number 61. How about the guy that thought he could rest satisfaction out of life if he did everything just right? You keep telling me what a wonderful husband you were. You did this. You did that. And now she has done that. Did you do that because you loved her or because there was a hook? He goes when you do something for her, don't tell me what you did for her because her sexuality is none of your business. She's not your property. She's God's property. I said, so what do I do? She says, you go apologize. You go to men. You give her anything she wants and you go your way and let her go her way. And I did. I went and made amends and I did everything and she took my boat. Brother, you know that. I still pray for her. You know, I didn't get drunk, neither did she. She has a real good life today, and I got a real good life tonight. And she got to grow her way, and I went my way. And she's still my dearest friend, and I still love her with all my heart. I found out that you can love someone, and you can be married to someone, allow that relationship to completely change into a different type of relationship. I didn' t know you could do that. She tells everyone I'm her brother. She kept my last name. I tell everyone she's my sister, you know? She is my sister. And I am her brother, man. I love her. I'd do anything in the world for her. You know, and she would for me. I went my separate ways. You know right after that I got attacked by a dog and I almost lost my arm and I was in the hospital for a long time and I couldn't work and I lost my business. I lost everything in the whole world except for me, just me and my son. And then I got out of that hospital and it was just me and my child and he got sick and I went and sat in the hospital with him for two months and on October 4th he died in my arms. He was 25 years old. And it promises, it says, and we will know peace and we won't comprehend serenity. And see, I know what it is. I'm one of the real lucky ones. I'm God's favorite kid. Serenity has nothing to do with a beautiful sunset, pocket full of money and watching it with a beautiful woman, although that's really nice. You know, serenity is having a real relationship with God as tangible as this podium I'm standing behind. A relationship with G-d that is so real, so permanent that I can watch the thing I love the most in my life die and hurt more than I knew it was even humanly possible to hurt. There's people in this room who've lost children And I know, and you know, if anything hurt more than that, I guarantee you it will kill you. But at exactly the same time in your heart of hearts where you live, an absolute knowing with no shadow of a doubt that it's all God's business and God don't make any mistakes and it ain't personal. It's just life, just life on life's terms. And I got down on my knees, and I thank the God of my understanding for all of you people who taught me how to be the man I dreamed about being when I was a little boy. You taught me what it's like to be a father. You taught us how to become the kind of father I dreamed about being in when that child was born. You gave me that kind of relationship with him. And my son was a good boy. I came in to see him that last morning. He couldn't talk. The nurses told me, he said, your son really wants to talk to you. And I go in there, man. I don't share this everywhere I go. But I don' t know if I'm going to talk again. And I want to let you know something. I went in to see my son that morning, and his eyes were real bright. He couldn't talk. He talked sign language. He said, Sit down, sit down, seat down. And I sat down, and he had a big smile. It was just glowing and shining. And he said, Daddy, you don't have to worry about me no more. And I said, Why? And he says, God came and talked to me. God's taking care of me from now on. He goes, you don't have to worry no more. And he's just smiling. And I didn't know what he was talking about. And I sat with him all day that day and we just kind of sat. And at night I gave him a kiss goodbye and I kissed him goodnight and I got home. And by the time I got back home, the phone was ringing and they told me that my son had gone into a coma and he was brain dead. And I got down there and they said, what do you want to do? And I knew God had called him home, and I knew it was God's business. My son already told me. And I said, let him go. And they turned that off, and i held on to his body. And i held onto his body for the last until it was completely gone. And then i washed him, andi shaved him. And i got up on my knees, and gave him back to God. And i thanked all you people. And i went back home. When i got home, all the men i sponsored were at my house. All of them. And it was a guy sponsored for many, many years, Scotty. So he's taking care of everything, you know. And he said, and I walked in. I sat down. He said, man, this guy, new guy you're working with has been calling and calling and calling all morning. I said, Man, I got nothing from nobody. I said、Man, I'm empty. And he says、Yeah, right then the phone rang. And I said،I'll give it to me. He said、Give me the phone. And it's Henry. And Henry, I said、「Hey, man. I've been trying to get in touch with you all day.'' I said?,Hey,man, I am sorry. I said+,My son died in my arms 45 minutes ago. man i mean i'm really empty i ain't got nothing for you and he goes hey listen that's too bad but this is really important thank god for newcomers thank god you self-centered people man that man saved my caught me off guard i wasn't expecting it and then i started laughing i went you're right my primary purpose it isn't to be a father That was a gift. God gave me the gift of sobriety for one reason, so that I could carry that message to anybody, anywhere. Anyone reached out, and for that, I'm responsible. It don't matter what's going on in my life. I'm responsibly if they reach out. And I said, you're right, Henry. Why don't you come on over, man? All right, all the fellows over here, let's talk about your problem. Maybe we can figure something out. Henry's still sober to this day. So am I. And I got through all that, man. And everything in the world was gone. I'd never done anything with sponsors. He said, what do you want to do? I said, well, I don't know. He says, good. He says you're going to go to school and get an education. I'd only been to the seventh grade. He made me go to college. I went to college, I said I can't do this. He said sure you can, it's just like AA. I said what do mean? He goes, well the teacher is your sponsor. The answers are in the book. Suit up, show up, follow all directions as given. Do the best you can. And he was right, it was just like AAA. And I found out I could do it. I went, and I got a bachelor's degree. They wanted me to graduate, and they said, where's your high school diploma? I said, I didn't go to high school. I went to seventh grade, and I had to run and go get a GED test just before I graduated from college. And I did that, you know, and my sponsor said, I told him, I said you know what, I'm really kind of lonely man. I'm the kind of guy who really needs a relationship. He said hold it man, It's absolutely impossible for an alcoholic to have a relationship if they need to be in one. You stay away from women, you'll poke your eye out. You can't have a relationship with a woman until you don't need a woman to validate you as a man. You've got to be comfortable with you. You have to like your company before you have anything to offer anyone else. And that's the way it was and he kept that way. One woman took advantage of me. Fellas, it'll happen. I was weak. I was college, you know. You know, I graduated from college, and all of a sudden I'm sitting there, man, and this gal had called me up. I'm watching. I got a pot of beans and a sheet of cornbread going. My dog watching this game, and this girl called and said, Kip, you've been alone a long time. I said, yep. She goes, I think once you come on over, I'll make you dinner and maybe we can mess around. Oh, wow. Hey, I'm very flattered. I said. You know I got it. Pot of beans and a seed of corn bread going. I'm watchin' this game right now. Maybe I could take a rain check. And she hung up on me. And then I went, wow, where did that come from? You know, who I am, I would have been at her house before she hung Up the phone. You know? I would Have beat her to the phone, and I got it. I went thank you God, I'd love to experience true love though one more time If it be your will. And I let it go, and you know, two weeks later I got a phone call and it was this gal that had used me. it was their mother she said she got in a car wreck last night she was drunk she's got massive brain damage she's never getting out i said well i'm sorry i said anything i can do she says you can come and pick up your daughter i said my daughter what are you talking about she goes you don't know i said no what she goes you got a three-month-old daughter she goes i ain't raising no more kids what do you want me to do with it and i went where do you live and she's about 100 miles from me. So I said, okay. I got in my car. I drove up to Burbank, California and knocked on this apartment door. She opened the door. I said you Kip? I said yeah. She goes she had me this paperwork, diaper bag, and a little baby three months old. She says here you go. Good luck sailor. I got home. All the guys were saying you got to get a test make sure that's your baby. I said no no no. God gave me this baby.I need someone to love and this baby needs someone to love her and i have never gotten a test you know i don't know she's mine she's 14 years old man she's the sunshine of my life name's nanu nanu call her natalie you know it's just me and her and and around a woman i'd known for many years she wanted to hold my daughter in a meeting one night and i saw the way she was holding my daughter i fell in love with her we've been married for 15 years she's the love of my life been sober as long as I am and she's very it's just as active in AA as I met her in Alcoholics Anonymous many years ago 14 years ago I went and I cut the cord and delivered a little boy and his name was Will Casey and he's my son And he's the sunshine of my life. In 1993, I owed over a million dollars. I'd lost absolutely everything in the world that I owned. The only thing I had was my sobriety date. And that's the only thing that hasn't changed in my life today. I own my home. I own it. I own them. I own their home. I can retire if I want to. I've started a business around my children and around Alcoholics Anonymous that allowed me to travel every corner of the world for Alcoholics Anonymous over the years. I've taken my children to school every single day of their life. I've been a member of PTA for many years for two different schools. They hate my guts. You can have opinions here. They love it until they want to raise money, then they love me. I'm an active involvement in my community. I'm at every civic function there is. man i give a voice i'm down there and i make amends to my community because i was a horrible dragon that's part of my night step things in my life i wouldn't trade places with anybody in the world you know i'm the fine as a result of you people i'mthe finest human being in every aspect of my life that i've ever been or ever hoped to be you know god just threw me a new a new one just recently uh um i don't i don'T care man i'M THE MOST OVERPAID HUMAN BEING IN THE WORLD but last week I was diagnosed with very serious lung cancer and stomach cancer. I've had to cancel all my speaking engagements for the next year. I don't know what God's got in plan for me, but whatever he's got planned for me is fine with me. I'm the most overpaid human being in the world. This is the last time I'm going to talk this year, and St. Louis is special to me. You guys are special to me, you've always treated me so well. I want to thank you for my life, and I want to wish you all good luck in yours. And I love you all, and that's all I got for you. See you down the road.