Home Groups and the Traditions – 3 Legacies Workshop – Part 1 of 2 – John E.

We're back. I'm Renee and I'm an alcoholic and I just have to say, you know, this is so hard for me to talk about all these things in the short amount of time. So please, you know, if we say or you have questions or, you know, get our numbers, talk to us after, you know, it's just impossible to fit it all in. But, you know when i it's funny whoever laughed at us trying to we have different communication skills very very different and one of the most beautiful things that that sobriety has given us is the open-mindedness to continue to learn right like if i just put my heels in the sand and and say this is the way you know this ties into unity which we're going to talk about now and i'll do 15 and he'll do 15 but you know like I had to I had to learn you know I had to learn I'm saying one thing he's not hearing that you know and if you know we look at the tradition so the steps are recovery the traditions are for our groups right traditions were written because Bill started to see that all these little pockets of AA were popping up all over the country and if you can imagine you know you have one group with four people and then you have to go three other states to get to another little gathering which there weren't meeting houses or clubs it was in their kitchens right and so anyway they were trying to to create aa and they were having some problems it's kind of like my family right our marriage you know we're trying to do something we've never done before we want to have a good marriage you want to Have a healthy and beautiful spiritual marriage. We've never done that before so you can apply these traditions we've done this a couple times with couples and we've applied it you know done done groups where we would study the traditions in relationships and and home groups and and our home group if you haven't done this if we're going to talk about what's the difference between a meeting in a group you know I'll let John talk more of the technical part of that but you know do a group inventory you know find out if those traditions are alive and kicking in your home groups you know and are your are your singleness of purpose you know everything look at it see where you can get better you know that's what we do in our relationship you know we do that in our marriage I've done that with my children you know I have one daughter my middle child she you know there was a I used to drive her to the barn every day and this is a small example but this is the kind of stuff. I like to give you something in my life, not just read from a pamphlet. She was in high school and she finally got her driver's license. And I for years since she was eight years old, she's ridden horses and I would drive her to the barn every day because those horses have to be taken care of every day. So that was our time together from the time she was 8 till about 16. And, you know, she's the middle child. So like, you knows, it was good for us. And that was our time. And then we got married. And we got divorced. And now we're living together. Well, she gets her driver'S license and she doesn't need me to drive her to the barn anymore right and so I lose that time with her and so finally you know I'm feeling that you know my other daughter and I go to the gym all the time together my son and I have our own special relationship you know. I take him to boy scouts and him and I do our own thing you know there was time with him and i just started to realize this so I prayed I had some discernment with it and um so it dawned on me you know she she liked to watch this stupid show The Bachelor I don't want to watch The Bachelor, you know. And so I said, right? But, you know, I said hey, once a week if I sit with my daughter and watch The Bachelor and I'll pick a special dessert for her and I to share and that's what we did. We would get together once a week and that was our time and the other kids didn't want To Watch It either so it was really just her and me and it was things like that. That's a small example But, like, you got to not just keep, you know, what can I ask God to give me? You know, The Bachelor. Okay, that's what came to me. You know? I don't know what it's going to look like. It wasn't my first choice. But, you Know, her and I still talk about that. You know she's an adult criminal defense attorney. And she'll still laugh with me about, you know, those Bachelor episodes that we watched together. You know and so I don' t know what its gonna look like and that's the thing. I can get rid of an old idea and let God give me a new one. I'm going to have a spiritual experience so all right so I got sober at a club um I didn't hear much about home groups right I didn'T know really kind of what that was and I'll share with the girls here like so so for me the years that I was raising my kids I got I got to live out my dream I got To be a stay-at-home mom um I I was worked in the medical field I worked as a registered medical assistant. By the third child, you know, John and I did the math and decided that, you know, I could stay home with the kids because really, you got to make a certain amount of money to be able to put three kids in daycare. So I got to live the dream and it was best years of my life so far. And I got to raise my kids. And so home group night, if I picked a home group let's say I picked Tuesday night and then the football schedule came out and football is on Tuesday night or you know Saturdays the football games and the horseback riding competition and then wrestling season comes in and now it's Wednesday night is practice night and then softball season came out. And my daughter's, you know, playing state level softball and we've got every night here and there and then one year we tried travel that didn't work out too great. But, you know, it was like, how could I commit to a home group and get that service position? You know, but my sobriety had to come first. So I had to figure that out. So for all those years, I didn't have a home groups. But I went to some summers, I would go to the early bird meeting. And I would get up and go to 6 o'clock early bird meetings before John even went to work. And be back when the kids were still asleep. So I have this summer with my kids. Still had my meetings. Still went regularly. My sponsor gave me the suggestion, you know, go and try to go to as many of the same nights so people can get to know you. And this was before Zoom. I mean, I didn't even have that option. But, you Know, I made it work, but not at the expense of missing anything with my kids. You know, I did not miss a wrestling match. I did Not miss the Boy Scout thing. I did NOT miss it. I found ways to get my meetings, make my connections. I did other service things like something like this going on if there was a way I could show up and that I knew that I could do that, I would do that with tons of energy, whatever I could. I would go down, I know another way so the hotline at the intergroup, the phone they different time slots you could go in and the girls went to school right across the street from the intergroup office so I just would go a couple hours early and sit in their office wait to pick up the kids from school you know all those things you know because I didn't I didn t believe that guy got me sober to miss out on this you know my kids didn't have to pay the price for that now you have to watch that you know what sponsor really kept an eye and I had to have some accountability because you can get lost there and say well my kid you know and another big example of that was a girl called me crying one night you know I wasn't her sponsor but her sponsor had told her that she still had to go to that service commitment and her daughter had a fever of like 105 and her husband was afraid and you know the baby was really sick and I said absolutely you know come on you know please you know I mean you know that you got it you can do it all I believe that you can't do it all you can have it all you know how's your prayer life you know are you are you going to the noon meeting maybe while the kids are at school it might not be your favorite meeting or are you doing that you know kind of thing so there are times in sobriety where I've had to shuffle things to stay on the beam, but all that can get done with God's help. Not my help, but God has all power. There's a line in there, if you stick close to him and perform his work well, we don't tire as easily. You can do it all. If I'm relying on God, if I rely on my own power by eight o'clock in the morning, I have nothing left. you know um but anyway so that um you know so we've been in meetings we've been in groups um but one of our biggest things that we advocate for are getting a part of a group not just a meeting you know a place where when i go to i can sit down and i can breathe like i call it sliding into home you know there's all different flavors of meetings there's All different you know uh formats and you know but But is there a place that you can go to for an hour? It was so important, still important for me. I still walk into our home group in Lebanon, Tennessee, and I just feel like I can breathe a little easier. And this is 33 years later. But I remember in the meeting in the beginning just needing an hour to feel safe. You know, I couldn't really let anyone sit behind me. I had a problem with people on my back. You know, I would still, you know, but I had to learn how to let a woman, you know, sit behind me in a meeting and watch my back, you know. And those were real lessons that I had to learn. Somewhere I felt safe for an hour. So, you know, what's the difference between a meeting and a group? I'm going to let John explain all that. But, you know, find a place where you feel at home that, you know, that you feel a part of. You know, I don't know about you, but there are some people in a meeting that you can just sit down next to and not say a word to but you just kind of your shoulders kind of go down and that person just illuminates that you know you just kinda like sitting next to them they don't even have to talk to you you know and and I had a lot of people like that in my early sobriety and so that's what I try to try to do today you know they come in everyone's just so you know with the day on them and it's like just you know come on and sit down and you know that's why don't like to save seats in meetings you know I know this is all sounds stupid I can't you know but if someone says hey it's someone sitting there and you say oh yes this is for Lisa what is our is Lisa more important than that that girl that just is looking for a seat in an AA room you know i invite you to look at that you know do we save seats and and you know do we make that person feel comfortable that they're important enough for that seat so I'm gonna let John talk more technical stuff I'm not sure about anything technical but maybe she means more opinionated that I certainly have and hopefully some experience I too like Renee got sober in a club and and in that particular County there was no vernacular in a of the home group if I I mean, I'm not that bright, but I'm not that dense. Like, I would have heard it in 18 years. And then we moved north to a county that was part of the vernacular. And by then, I've got my opinions. And they'd vote on stuff. But you can only vote if you're a home group member. I'm like, well, screw you. I'm an AI. I can vote. They're like, is this your home group? So I had an opinion, not an educated one, but I had and opinion. And then I got hooked up with my sponsor that I have now, and he got me schooled up. I had this – just a little side note. I had really one of the most beautiful experiences I've ever had in my life. So every year I started – my sponsor That I Got Hooked Up With that I went through the steps with that really helped me find a spiritual awakening. Every summer I'd come down, I'd pick up my AA chip because our birthday dates are about a week apart. we'd pick up our chips together and we'd hang out and go fishing anyways there's one year he called me and he said hey um i messed up the schedule uh tom ivester is doing workshops all week i can't i can'T this is not a good weekend and i was like sounds like a good weekend to me and so i came and i got to hang out with this guy tom my who was a big traditions guy and his his kind of dying legacy in a he's i think 55 or 60 years sober when he died 63 years sober i think when he died um was about forming three legacy groups like he knew that was the difference of aa's future and not and so when you talk about the technical and so all week that i was with him he just hammered that on me he's like hey tell me about your tell me about your home group i was like oh we you know tell me your area tell me about your groups i was a god man there's some really good meetings he's like no no tell me about your groups and he said the most profound thing i've i've heard in this in this conversation he said what makes our home group special is what we do in between the meetings all right i mean you can go to a place clubhouse like this i don't know anybody's clubhouse and i'm sure it's hit or miss i bet there's some good meetings and i bet there's some crappy meetings, right? And we can control what happens within a meeting by forming a home group. And so if this is life and death to you like it is to me, I have to have a solid home group, I can't any longer take this chance of, well, I hope it's a good meeting. Right? I mean, for a long time, my sobriety was really contingent on the quality of the meeting, my spiritual condition was meeting based if the meeting was good I was making it through that day pretty good you know somebody shared something awful heartbreaking you know I'd leave with a little gratitude whew that's not me that didn't happen to me or someone shared something really uplifting I'd be like all right maybe that's for me too but if the meaning was just ah I was kind of ah you know and that's terrible terrible recipe for recovery and so Tom taught us taught me how to be a part of a home group how to form a home group and he said he told me said you know it's really difficult to change the path of a meeting if it's especially if it is established. He said why don't you start your own home group get a couple like-minded individuals enough people that want the same type of group not meeting it's not you know it's not that difficult to organize a good meeting although sometimes you'd think so but it's really not that hard he said but he said find some people you want to be in a group with in other words those other 23 hours of the day not that meeting hour that want to have the same type of meeting that believe in the traditions that believe in recovery that believe and service and unity and you'll get three four five six people and get them to get a couple people before you know you've got a group and then divvy up the service positions and then be committed to following their traditions and the rest will just happen and that's proven true for us we we did that in Maryland we got together with a bunch of people that wanted we said this big book study at our house it was so wonderful such a close close-knit group such a intimate experience we're like hey let's form a group out of this and some people wanted to start new groups some didn't and we you know, we started this group with that basis. We had all the service positions covered first. We had a GSR first, a treasurer, a group format. And, you know I'm a seeker and I talked to a lot of people about different formats of, of the meeting part. Like how do we, if we only get an hour and our life and death really depends on this hour, how do мы формат this hour? Because the litmus test is is there a group in your area where when a guy says hey, I need to go to my very first, I say guy, gal my very first AA meeting where do I go? Where are you going to send them? You're going to send them to the 50-50 meeting you know that you're not sure it might be a good meeting, it might not be a good meeting. He might leave with a big book, he might not leave with a bigbook Somebody might reach out their hand to them. Somebody might, you know, like those are chances that I can't play. And so I am responsible as our responsibility statement says that I'm responsible that when someone reaches out the hand to AA, I want the hand of AA always to be there. And so, I'm accountable for being a part of a group, not running a group not managing my group. My home group won't even give me a damn job to make the coffee. So, like I have no authority in that group, right? But be a part of a team and be responsible for a group that when the coffee's not made, I go make it. You know, that when, you know, I put five bucks in the basket. If I don't have five bucks, I look at a guy, give me five bucks. I put Five Bucks in the Basket. Not a dollar, right? Put Five Bucs in the Basket. If the chairs aren't set up, I set up the chairs, you know. I'm responsible for that group. And a format that was shared that has seemed to work in the last 20, 30 years for us is because in, and then we moved, so that happened in Frederick and this awesome group started, still going. And then we came down here and we ended up in Lebanon, Tennessee. And there's a lot of meetings, a lot of recovery. This may sound arrogant. I don't mean it to be. A lot of recovery trying to happen. A lot of recovery bumping their heads. A lot of different meetings, a couple different club houses, a zillion new people, halfway houses i mean you know i could name you know 200 spots that they have you know probably in in halfway houses and sober living and so you know we and it's an area where you know tennessee as you guys know uh a lot of people have moved here in the last five years i'm sorry you know we've done our best to ruin your state um and lebanon is the same way and so we had a lot transplant out of state you know long-term sobriety and we'd go to these meetings that were not a group and what happens is in a meeting that's not a Group that's well invested you guys know what that looks like sometimes it's two minutes before the meeting who's chairing the meeting I don't know is it Sally's week I'm not sure there's no coffee made there's nobody at the door greeting the new guy that winds up in alcoholics anonymous or gal and then someone grabs it and hands out a reading to mason and reading to sean and we get this meeting started then they go does anybody have an issue they want to talk about now i love aa i love us i love our people but we've now put the success of the meeting in the hand of some newcomers who may or may not even know what Alcoholics Anonymous is. And so the format that was given to us is you can influence the success and the focus of a meeting, and this is what you do. This is what we did. This is not what you did. This is What We Did. My sponsor, part of our lineage is we read two pages out of the big book every day. I'm not so great at that anymore. I read a lot of other stuff now. And so I said, why don't we start the meeting off with reading two pages of the big book? And then he said, get somebody to chair the meeting, which is kind of what in Maryland our basic format was someone would lead the meeting. They'd give a 15- or 20-minute talk on a topic, and that topic is the meeting which gives you a good chance to have a good meeting. But you can influence that even greater by saying, okay, we're only going to ask people to lead our meeting, speak at our meeting. Whatever vernacular you like. That have actually taken the 12 steps out of the big book Alcoholics Anonymous. And so our speaker getter is charged with that. We rotate every three months, so they've got 12 slots to fill. And before you take that job, you have to be willing to say to somebody, oh, I love what Mark said at that meeting. Let's get Mark to do it. well that could have been an accident right and so it's his job to go to mark if he doesn't know say hey man have you taken the 12 steps out of the book and if mark says yes then you ask him to come if mark said no no i'm i'm just on my second step right now awesome we don't ask him to share with the group for an hour and i'm telling you we've had we've only been um two and a half years. Paul and Lisa are in our group, and as I said, Lauren and Justin were part of starting that group. I'm telling you, so two and a hal years, that's 125 meetings. We have not had a crappy meeting yet. I am telling you. We had one time the guy didn't really know the format and he went way too long, but whatever. His message was solid. Nobody left there wondering what Alcoholics Anonymous was about. Not one time, 125 meetings, we have not a bad meeting. not because we're brain surgeons just because we we were shared the format of how to have a good meeting and so the difference between a home group member and a frequent meeting attender is long-term sobriety and not i'm just telling you right am i just going to be a you know when i when I show up at a meeting and that I'm not, I'm only a member of one home group. When I show Up in a meeting, it's not my home group, you know, I try to be of service and say hello to any new guys. Of course, I'm an AA member first. Let's get that straight. But I'm Not, I'm, Not as concerned about all their floors clean. I'm. Not as worried about as the coffee made. I'm? Not worried about the format. I'm! Not worried About is the rent paid. Yeah, I just, I'm just not, you know. You can only be invested in one group. You get one vote in Alcoholics Anonymous. You know, don't know about in this area but you know when the plain language big book came out there was quite a little uproar with some of the old crusty old dudes y'all got any crusty old-timers around here oh that you know all complaining about the plain-language big book was going to tear down alcoholics anonymous and water down all this stuff but yet you know they weren't a part of groups that elected gsrs that sent gsr's to the area assembly to influence with their delegate an appropriate vote You know, if you don't, if not a part of a group that has a GSR, so every home group in hopes has one member, a GSAR, that they send to the area. This is Area 64. Tennessee is all Area 64, and so every group we hope sends one member there that gets to vote on important stuff, right? I mean, Alcoholics Anonymous doesn't happen by accident. Now the meetings are painful. It's brutally redundant, awful, awful business of Alcoholics Anonymous. But it has to be done. And but when a group doesn't send somebody, if meetings don't have GSRs, groups have GSAR and the GSAR has the authority to vote for the group and they come back and report to the group, hey, this is what's going on in AlcoholicsAnonymous. You know, but I hear all these old crusty dudes complain. And, you know, their meeting doesn't have a GSR. It's like complaining about the election in November and not voting, right? Like shut your mouth, you now, the condition of Alcoholics Anonymous. And so, you kno, to me today as – I'm sure that was an awful lot of high horse there and I didn't mean it, but it's so passionate to me because I've fortunate enough to live both lives just the meeting makers make it guy. That's what they told me in treatment, meeting makers, make it. I think it was I don't know if it was Paul maybe it was Mark probably Mark somebody said well you know what they really meant by that was that the people who make meetings will make it or the people who start meetings will in the treatment center what they're saying is if you go to a lot of meetings you'll stay sober and and alcoholic synonymous is not don't drink go to meetings that's a part of the deal right we're not gonna make any spiritual progress without not drinking And we needed meetings to make it happen. We need the fellowship to make it happen but Alcoholics Anonymous is the 12 steps says here are the steps we took which our program or recovery what time do we start oh thank you so I get 36 more um unity is so vital to me because um and so the home groups part of it, right? And I have a responsibility as a home group member to serve that guy on the margins, right. Richard Rohr talks about loving the guy on the margins. I don't go to my home group to hang out with my homeboys and talk about Alabama football as much as I would like to. That's not the purpose, right now that happens. It does happen by accident sometimes, right? But what I'm really called to do is to get to my meeting early, help set up, you know, not get there five minutes before, although that's happened. You know, and find the guy that's sitting in the back that has FU tattooed on his eyelids. He's got his arms crossed. He's four days out of prison. And he's thinking, I got to go to these GDAA meetings again. You know? It's my job to get that guy into the circle. And I think that's what all of our jobs is, you know, because and what our group does also is we were in service in in treatment. We're in service In the prison, we carry the message, right? Like, Renee talked beautifully about how things used to be in AA. That's, you Know, I'm not saying that mockingly, but like, you Know, we, I used to mock old timers for talking like that. But the 12-step call of AA has changed dramatically And crying over it is not going to change it The treatment field has changed Alcoholics Anonymous The internet has changed AlcoholicsAnonymous and recovery Somebody needs to get sober What do they do? It's just the first time They don't know anybody in recovery Let's just say there's that rare person I don't want to go to church I need to stop drinking or she's going to throw me out what do you do google so you google you know how do i quit drinking or maybe somebody said hey go to the a a you know and you don't know what that means you're not quite ready to go to treatment yet she hasn't put you out and so you Google it and then you you know we're all savvy with the internet you figure right the three legacy groups meets in Lebanon 730 you know. And they show up unannounced certainly invited but unannounce they don't know anybody and so you know if you're restless irritable and discontent as i am earlier mccarvey or if youre itchy bitchy and twitchy you know i'm not i'm looking to embrace the guy at the door you know i'mnot looking for a greeter i'mnot looking to you know i just want my old lady get off my back i just wanna get my job back back I just wanna get back in the big bed you know so I come in it says okay meetings at 730 so I'm gonna pull up at 728 maybe 729 if I'm there at 727 I am waiting in the car you know what I'm saying I am you know and I'm going to do my best to sneak in figure out what the a and a is about and get the f out of there as quickly as I can and go home and report to my girl I'm in AA and we allow that to happen it's probably happened this morning that someone is maybe not this morning they didn't know about this but it's happened in this clubhouse it's happening every meeting you know an Alcoholics Anonymous a guy comes in a gal comes in how many people have come into our into our meeting instead of our group and have left and have no idea what Alcoholics anonymous is about you know so that's what I'm charged to do I'm and that's having a home group is about is So when someone says, hey, where do I go? I know where to send them because I can't say, oh, well, I'll meet with them. I mean, I am supposed to do that, but I can'T do that always, right? I've got to have a network of people around me. I've Got to be a part of a club, right. Imagine let's just say you're lucky enough to be an Alabama football fan and every weekend you watch the game and you just have a great time because you have 18 national championships. And every now and again, you get to go down to Bryant-Denny Field. Every now and then, every now again, and you're there early and it's just awesome. And it's an awesome experience to be a fan. You're a winner. Nick Saban is your uncle. It's a great time. She knows. She's educated. She's got the jersey on. But you might not stay a fan forever. You might not. right like they could do something you don't like I'm follow the logic here I love analogies you might not stay a fan forever they could suck for 20 years straight and you divorce them um you could move towns and get slowly fall in love with a new team it could happen but then let's say a little different scenario so your fans as a kid and you go to games and you go to the game you get there early and then some guy on the field says hey man we're a little short-handed today can you come out on the field and hold a flag while they run through the tunnel damn straight i'll do that and so you're out there and you're up there holding the flag team runs through and they're like all right you know thank you very much and the guy's like man we really liked you why don't you come back next week and we'll give you something else to do and you show up next week no i listened you know all the tables over there with the cups of water the guy didn't show up can you fill up all the cups with water and you feel like damn straight I will. Roll Tide. And you're there and you're filling up the water, you know, and handing Nick Saban a cup of water, right? This is a good deal, right. And then after a little while, they're like, hey, why don't you help us clean up afterwards and pack up the locker room? We got to go down to Georgia and kick some butt, right, and he's like, all right, I'll pack up a locker and you do that, and they're, like, hey, won't you come with us, and you say, shit. They said, get in the car, and you're, all getting the team bus, you go down in Georgia and you help set up, and you whoop up on Georgia, right? Imagine you get to have that experience. You will never be a fan of a different team. You are now – you've now gone from a fan to this is my team. And instead of talking about – talking trash about Alabama, Alabama did this, Alabama did that, you start using the vernacular we. Yeah, we beat up on George. That's right, we did. You don't say Alabama whooped them up, right. You say, we did. And that's the difference in Alcoholics Anonymous. Do you want to be on the field playing the game, waving the flags? Not waving the fags. I didn't say that correctly. Waving the flags, filling the cups of water, giving high-fives to everybody. That's the different. Totally different between being a member of a home group. And so if you're not a memberof a homegroup, get with your sponsor and say, hey, the meetings we've been going to suck. That's okay. you know create your own and you don't need 30 people to do it but you know and so in Lebanon we were lucky enough there was a bunch of people that had moved to town that had that same experience of being part of a strong group and and they wanted to be a part of a group and just by you know God's grace a bunch of us got together and started a group you know and and we met ahead of time didn't have a meeting ahead of town we met at a time an AA meeting we had an organizational meeting ahead of time and said, hey, you know, what do we want our group to be like? First, we got to get on that page, right? What do we wants our group to be? Like, all right, we want it to be a solid three legacy group. We want to use service, unity, and recovery to keep our group strong as our guiding principles. All right, there was like, so we had enough people to do it and you're willing to take a job, you're going to take a job. We've got enough people that are willing to do some work and it's like, all right what night do we wanna do this? Well, there's a lot of meetings in the area and we don't want to step on any toes, right? The traditions talk about consult the other groups in the area to make sure you're not, you know, there's already three groups on Tuesday at 6. You don't wanna start a group Thursday or Tuesday at six. So we found a slot, you Know, that's why we have a 7.30 slot because they're worse than six o'clock meetings. We didn't wanna offend anybody. We wanted to include them, part of unity. And our first meeting we had, I don't know, 40, 50 people. and the next week we had 60, 70 people and every Tuesday night we have 80 people. I'm telling you you can't come there and have a bad meeting and if you come there as a new person you're going to be greeted out front. We have a male and female greeter right? We have an annual, we're getting ready to do our second one, we have an annual group inventory. A healthy group does a group inventory and we've put these out here. Please take them in AA group There's a suggested list of 20 groups how my group is doing not how John's doing how is this group doing and so you get together as a group once a year and you ask yourself the question how are we carrying the message to the newcomer how are мы carrying the messages to the professional community, are we reaching doctors and lawyers and judges are people being sent here, is our group safe do women feel safe here do minorities feel welcome here all that stuff, you got to ask yourself those questions to be a healthy group and the reason why a healthy group is so important and the reason why it's tied to unity is because God speaks to me in 90 degrees. God speaks to me through you. God does not send the messages in the clouds, John go left! John do this don't do that right? I hear from you guys. I cannot stay sober without you guys 36 years sober I needed as much as i no more no less as much as the day i got here i needed you guys i still have a sponsor you know why because i don't know how to stay sober 37 years i got a pretty good idea but i haven't had that experience you know there's things in life that he's going through now that he'll one day hopefully will walk me through you know sponsorship is i'm gonna talk a little bit about sponsorship and then turn over to renee to talk about service to close this out because i'm kind of talking about all those different things but So, sponsorship to me is the greatest blessing of Alcoholics Anonymous. It is monkey see, monkey do stuff. Find some guy or some gal that's farther down the path. You say, hey, how did you get down there? How did you, as Renee said, how Did you get through that divorce sober? How did You get through That child custody sober? How did Your kids back sober? How did Get your first job sober? Whatever it is, you know, how Do you overcome these things sober? how did you do this stuff will you show me they say yeah you know not not a financial advisor not a marriage counselor career coach none of that nonsense you know how did you recover from this seemingly hopeless state of mind and body how did you do that how do you you know because I watch people you know we're all watchers and I would watch my sponsor he would come into the room and he would look at people in the eye. He did crazy stuff like open his mail. He would answer the phone no matter who called. That's dangerous, you know? When I go to meet somebody, I look at my shoes, okay? That's what I brought to Alcoholics Anonymous and he didn't do any of those things. How do you live like that? Now, I couldn't quantify that at the time. How do You Go to Sleep at Night Without Listening to an AA Speaker for the 800th time just to fall asleep because I can't turn this off yeah how do you do that and just do what he does now there's a way just like there's away to find a good group there's way to find good sponsor you know find somebody that has taken the 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous that has a spot because that means they know where the solution is find somebody has a sponsor my sponsors 42 years sober and he has a sponsor. I do not want a guy guiding me who is done having a guide. Find a guy that's in service. I don't need a used-to-be sponsor. I get to run my mouth a lot in AA, and a lot of times there's a thank you line. Not very often when I speak, but sometimes there's a thank you line. And some old crusty dude will come up to me and say, oh man, I love what you said. I used to sponsor guys. I used to go to the prison. I used to go to rehabs. I loved it. I used to, I used to. And I always want to say, I never, one day I'm going to say it. I want to say, I bet you used to be pretty happy too. You know, like we desperately need those guys. So find a guy that still has a sponsor that's still in service and find a guy that's enjoying life. Find a guy that's enjoying life and willing to tell you the truth. Those five things. And just surrender your recovery process to them, not your life to them. Don't give your checkbook right but i am going to use your judgment when it comes to my recovery decisions not mine and then find some idiot that's silly enough to think that you might be able to show them the way and that's how you do it right you know and you walk them through this deal you know what we do here is i don't introduce i've been lucky enough to sponsor paul for a couple years My job was not to introduce Paul to my God, right? My job is and was to introduce Paul to the steps that lead you to have your own experience with your own higher power, right. That's what our job is to do. We're not here to manage each other's lives. Matt said this earlier that takes me back to the favorite story I like to tell about early recovery of somebody reaching their hand out to me well I'm going to tell kind of two stories it's a story and a half at about I don't know 10 or 15 years sober I got asked to lead a meeting in Maryland lead a meet for 15 minutes on the 12th step and I got up there and I said I told this wonderful story about the first time my first experience with 12th Step when we picked up this guy wet off the street and took him to detox and when we got back to the noon meeting the next day, the guy was already drunk and I was really pissed off. And I shared that that was my first experience with The 12th Step. And, I got in the car with my then-sponsor, this guy Jimmy J., and I said, man, that was a really solid meeting, wasn't it? You know, I was looking for a little pat on the head. And it was a solid meeting. And he—I said, that was really solid meetin', wasn't he? He says, yeah, it was good meetin'. He said, but your share was crap and I said what are you talking about I mean that was we should have recorded that for the next big book or something what do you he said your first experience with the 12 step was as a recipient don't ever forget that and I was like oh my god like I didn't even say goodbye to him I just got out the car like you know I was probably crying holding back the tears. I was like, how did I forget that? And one of my favorite stories as a recipient is, so I told you I got thrown out of the Navy. I got sent back home. I'm just like the loser's loser. I mean, not even the Navy will take me. And I talk a lot to God. I make deals with God. God, you give me, I'll do this. You give me this. But preferably you give me this and then i'll do this but i get dropped off at this meeting because i have no hoopty and my mother drops me off i'm staying at her place you know not a good look when you're trying to get your next hostage hey let's go back to my mom's place um and i'm like you know this aa really sucks it's not working for me god you better do something and uh i was like matter of fact i might be done with this deal it needs to happen tonight careful and um so there was this group of people at this aa club that were different than everybody else it's about eight of them they had this glow about them they looked at each other in the eyes they embraced each other they didn't beat each other's backs when they hugged they told each other they loved them they cried together. They meant it. They weren't perfect, but they just, they were different than I was. And I really wanted all the cool young people had gone back to drinking and, and they had this huge conversation every night after the meeting, are we going to Denny's or are we going to Bob's big boy for our younger friends? Bob's Big Boy used to be a big diner chain. That was their conversation every day. And so I was like, I'm going to go to Deny's. night and i really wanted to go i mean i i really wanted to go because moms sucked and uh so i went over near them and i pretended to do a little service you know straighten up the chairs maybe clean up ashtray and i sent them telepathic messages to invite me i mean i you know i may have even made eye contact and um and nobody did and so i rolled out of that clubhouse i semi slammed the door so they would notice And I'm like, F it. I'm walking home. Not a good plan. My mom lives probably seven or eight miles away. But I was full of so much self-pity and no spiritual solution. I'm just fellowshipping my backside off, you know? And my fellowship had gone. And so as I got towards the corner, it was really decision time because if I am walking home, I've got to go left. but all the cars went right out of this clubhouse they all went right it was just the most common path to where they were going and so that last 200 yards I slowed down so everybody could reconsider their selfishness and lo and behold I mean I probably didn't even look like I was walking it probably looked like anyways um and lo und behold Charles that guy I told you about my sponsor for 10 years he stopped he wasn't my sponsor at the time but he stopped and he had Rick in the car and he rolled down the window. He leaned over he said, Hey, man, do you want to go to Denny's with us? And I was like, I was torn because I'm a little pissed they didn't ask me. But I know my life is on the line. I really did. I knew like, don't I was just Don't say no, John. Just say thank you, sir. Yes. Thank you, Sir. But I couldn't do it. You know, my ego has returned. I got no reason to have my ego return at 18 months while I'm walking home bumming cigarettes not much ego left there but i had one and i said well i don't have any money and he said seeing that you're walking your financial position really wasn't in question and that was the maryland version of just get in the car just get in the gd car and shut your mouth and do he didn't say that he his his aura just said that or maybe i made that up but like everything you know it's like our friend larcene said a couple weeks ago you know things just circle around the universe and drop in my head and i just accept them be truth with no reason but no i mean that he just he had that way about him like he wasn't gonna beg you he wasn't like a counselor he wasn'T super lovey-dovey but you knew he cared and he just said just looked at me like a game of silent chicken I said yeah I'll go and Rick got out of the car and they put me in the back of this two-seater which I'm not built for made me a little pissed and I've got I think like a month more than Rick so I should certainly be in the front seat but they didn't honor that code of conduct and newcomer conduct and they took me to Dennis Denny's and put me in the middle of booth and we smoked coffee and smoked cigarettes and ate pancakes all night long. And I fell in by accident, by dumb accident, no merit involved with a pocket of enthusiasm that was doing this deal, you know? And so when you find that pocket of enthusiastic here, it might be within a struggling meeting base or it might be a home group that already exists. You just got to dive all the way in and just say, man, And I'll do whatever you all tell me to do, you know. And I'm here to tell you as I turn it over to Renee to close us out with the final 15 or 20 minutes is if you come in here, no matter what your circumstances are, day five, day six, day 60, six years, everything's an absolute train wreck. If you absolutely surrender yourself to try to live by these spiritual principles, make mistakes fall down get back up surrender again make mistakes fall down break your leg get back up go to the hospital surrender surrender surrender if you can do that if you just commit yourself I'm going to live by these spiritual principles and you carry the messages to a place that you don't want to go back to prison treatment detox rehab you can have the most incredible you will have the most incredible life that you can't even imagine. I've been given a life that is one that I did not even know was possible. Thank God I did not get what I asked for when I got here. I didn't even know what I needed, but the old guys waited around long enough until I was ready to listen and ready to do some work. We do not shoot our wounded in here. And so, you know, a lot of times in the home group, we get in a tiff with somebody and we say, oh, that's her shit. That's her problem. And we just let it be or his stuff, you know? And we Just let it Be. It's not our job. Our job is to be a peacemaker. Our job is To bring the group together to see what you know. So Alcoholics Anonymous is the most beautiful group in the world. And I pray that you find a group. And if you don't find a group make a group it's available to all of us so with that I'm going to turn it over to Renee to close this out thank you John so I spent thousands of dollars in therapy to figure out my therapist said if you want John to get an idea just give him an analogy see how well he does analogies that whole Alabama story if you wanted him to hear you just make up an analogy um yeah 29 years we've been married um and uh you know it all boils down to those three legacies right we have to be recovered first if i'm going to have any kind of relationship with anybody because you know i couldn't even have you know my god fully in my life a relationship with god when i when i was out there i mean i would come to in a church and you know blackouts I would come to in a church because I knew I was drawn to that, but I had no relationship if I'm drinking. I'm not uniting anything. I'm the whirling dervish drunk causing ruckus wherever I go. And I'm nicht serving anyone but me, selfish and self-centeredness. The whole world revolved around me. And one of the old-timers, I always say, I came in on the shoulders of giants, stood at that door at the club and said, You know, Renee, when you learn that the world doesn't revolve around you, you're going to be okay. Um, and I, I was like, I didn't really even understand that, but I heard it, you know, I heard It and I filed it away. And you know when I, when I turned out of cell, you Know, and they said this a lot out of self out of Self out of Self, you Know just call with whatever is going on in my sponsor would say out of Self out a self, you Know and I did a lot of things that I didn t understand But I just did them anyway, it didn t make sense But I Just did him anyway. One of the biggest things I m gonna tell you a story to close us out. But one of the biggest gifts I've gotten in recovery, and I don't know, I'm sure the men same way. All of my relationships today are non-transactional. All I knew when I got here was transactional relationships. And every family, friends out there, we were going to have an exchange i wasn't you know this was transactional i can promise you today you know we've had some jokes that john and i you know throughout the years about transaction you know uh but i really don't want anything or need anything from anybody in my life i'm called every morning to see how i can serve serve god's kids um the highest we can get here you know i was going to tell you all about the service manual and the concepts and all of that. But the highest thing we can do here is get to be a servant. That's the highest things you can get here, to have a servant's heart and to serve God's kids. So we've had so many opportunities in so many different ways. You know, my heart, you know, God gives us special gifts that we're born with that just as easy, that we don't have to, it's just kind of the wiring God gives us and we get sober and we figure out these ways that he uses us the best I've always gone into the jail I love going into the jail. I love a wet drunk you know I love alcoholics whether they're drunk or sober I just have a deep you know deep love for them I mean I just want to lick their face when they're all stinky and nasty and I just love it and uh you know it's a gift you know I'm not the girl in the meeting going oh my god is she drunk oh god you know let's get her out of here no that's not me where else are we supposed to go but there's a story that really sums up what can happen to you here so so we're we're in that period of time that 18 years John's 18 years sober I'm 15 years sober and the wheels fall off they're off they are off you know there's not an area you know our house is in foreclosure the cars are turned in two of the kids had to be pulled out of their schools you know sent to public school you know it was the poor girl didn't even know if she had worn a uniform her whole life she's like I don't think she was wearing my clothes to school it was so pitiful we shouldn't even know how to dress you know to go to regular school we had some growing pains and uh you know the the IRS had garnished our accounts a couple times um i turned 40 that year it was quite a quite you know and you talk about the pity party you know i had every opportunity to just say you know is this what i got sober for is this you know I haven't you know it was really tough and john had fallen off a ladder and he had uh you know we were trying to save one of the businesses that he had and he was up on a ladderand he was doing he fell and he broke his pelvis and his arm was at like a 90 degree angle. And I remember showing up at that emergency room, looking at him shaking on that board thinking what you know, I looked up and I remember thinking, you know that was like at the end of the run. And there was a lot more involved in that. You know, the marriage, there was betrayal. You know I had a decision to make. You now was I going to forgive it of capacity that I'd never forgiven and let God show me what I was supposed to do. So I'm in this hospital in this emergency room, and I'm looking at him, and all I can see is God's kids. You know, God's kid just laying there physically broken, spiritually broken, you know? And I had a decision to make, you know? Was I going to just let God keep disclosing, or was I going to let my ego and my pride and, you know, the easier, softer way was to have been to walk away from all of that. And, you know, God had a plan for us. And we've gone through a lot of therapy. We did a lot of prayer. We spiritually connected in ways that we had, you know, what that does is opens up for a new experience, something deeper than you can imagine if you do that. If you show up into a situation like that, totally stripped of everything, God will blow your socks off. I had never felt closer to my higher power. You know, when the credit score was good or there was enough money in retirement, you know, all that thing. You think that that will make you feel close and joyful and peaceful? No. When you're stripped of everything and you're standing in moments like that is where you feel God the most if you're awake. So we've gone through a lot of therapy, a lot OF books. I read every book. I'm seeking, I'm speaking, I read a lot. I've read a lot. And I'm doing everything. I do all the stuff, you just allowing God to heal me every day, heal me, heal me. And John calls. I'm waiting for one of my daughters to come home from college. My dad had gotten diagnosed with cancer, stage four, and I'm driving home from Baltimore, taking him to see the oncologist. I've got to go up and get my daughter from college, it's about an hour away from where we live. That's going on, and i'm thinking of all the things going on, And I'm just, you know, John calls on the way home. I got this kid I'm going to bring up from Florida who needs help getting sober. Is that going to be okay? You know, he's just going to stay a week or so. You know he's a friend, a son of a friend of mine that I met. I really fell in love with him. I just met him for a minute but I love him and I'm gonna, I want to bring him up, you know, to get sober, help him get sober. And I're thinking to myself, I gotta go get Brenna from school. My dad's got cancer. I don't know all the appointments I'm gunna have to do. And like, you know, I'm thinking and I paused and I said, well, you know, who am I to, you know, maybe God, you know, this is the way it's supposed to be. And little did I know he'd already bought the ticket. The kid was on his way. He's probably going to beat me to the house by the time I get home. But, you know, I allow God, you know at that moment to show me, you know show me what to do. So I call my sponsor, you know and she said look it's not the Pope, you know the basements packed with stuff all the kids bring stuff him and look just make a little path he's been out on the streets he's going to be fine just give him a little mattress on the floor he'll be fine well my friends come over aa shows up people like lisa we clean and lauren and we build the bed and we get him a room and he's ready to go and this kid shows up with a backpack you know with his dad's shoes on nothing not you know we're running to target to get toothpaste and toothbrushes my kids are going in their closet it to give him some sweat clothes you know he's from Florida he's freezing up there and um and my family falls in love with this kid you know and I told you about that reconstructive period where you know we're going to therapy to you know there's a part of my heart that was broken physically like felt broken from all of that and this kid falling in love WITH HIM healed that last piece that I thought was going to come from a therapy session or a book or you know something a step work or something and it came from opening my home in my heart to a stranger and my children will tell you my three kids are adults now we'll tell you how special that year was for them he stayed a year by the way not just a week got a job got a sober you know sober life playing sober softball you know had his own AA friends that had his owned sober life and he was just a part of the family you know and and I would have cheated myself if I had said to myself or if my sponsor said oh yeah Renee you know you're right you know there it's about balance right like I hear this all the time I need balance well if she had said that to me I would've called him and said no I got too much going on you know this is you know I gotta focus on me and my needs and a little too much and inconvenient you know. I find that when it's inconvenient or I think you know, that's me relying on my own power. You know, that's meet easing God out and I'm not I'm going to miss the opportunity. So how that showed up for me was not what I would have thought you know was not the way I thought it was gonna be you know and I would've cheated myself I would have cheated my family I would achieve did so many things you know if I if I hold on to those old ideas so no it wasn't you know I had every you know there are a lot of sponsors that would have said you know Renee that's you got this and this and this you know you need balance in your life you know and I and I'm so grateful I don't have a sponsor like that you know I have a sponsor that says let's let's discern let's get quiet and ask God you know if I show up with a servant's heart he's going to heal those things in ways that I don't even know you know my brain is only so big so that service is going to show up in a way that you might not recognize. You know, that's why sponsorship is so important. You know, I have a sponsor that has a sponsor and I got to go to my first international. I'm 33 years sober. I'd never been to an international conference and I had to go this year. And I had all the way up, I have a picture of all the way up my lineage before Chuck C., before Bill W. And I got to be with all of them and feel what that felt like you know and Chuck C used to talk about in his book A New Pair of Glasses you know it's the little things you know he had given a talk that he you know she met this guy when he gave a talk at this convention or this place and he met the guy if the guy had a day or something like that and a year later he's back at the same place and the guy said, hey, I got a year, you know, and Chuck's thinking something he said, you know, and whatever. And he goes, you Know what? What do you think? You know, how and he goes you know what it was and Chuck thinking about something he said, You know maybe a big story he gave and he said you know I was there and I was shaking so bad. I couldn't light a cigarette in this little old lady like pulled out a lighter and lit a cigarette and the magic was in that little old lady lighting a cigarette not something profound from the podium, you know it's those little acts it's those little things that matter you know and so those are the things that I look out for today you know those those service you know it doesn't have to be a category or in a pamphlet you know just taking the time to look someone in the eye that you know is just scared to death and doesn't know what's going on you know those are some of the things that can be profound and matter you know there was a guy that was getting sober at the 530 meeting and Frederick and I remember him coming to every meeting because he had nowhere else to go. The wife left with the kids and he had nothing. He was stripped down, Pittsburgh Steve. He had nothing and I said you know you might just make it. You know I looked at him I said, you might just make tonight. I pointed him in the direction to a guy that would be a good sponsor for him and he grabbed on and he got sober. And years and years and years later, we run into this woman who says to John or I or both of us, I don't know where we were, but we ran into a sister, cousin, who had been sober for years and stuff. And she thanked us, you know, she said, thank you so much. You know, you helped save my cousin's life. You know, he used to go to your house at that big book study. And he talked about, you know, what it was like there and how it helped him and stuff like that. So you never know. Just keep waking up every day trying to serve his kids, and you're going to see a ripple effect that you can't even imagine. You can't даже imagine it. And it just goes on and on and on and so while I'm still here, tomorrow's going to come, and I've never lived tomorrow before, so I need to be tied to the deck. I'm going to keep calling my sponsor. I want to keep dragging whoever else wants to come along on the ride behind me, next to me. I always say shoulder to shoulder. It's not behind, it's shoulder. We do this thing together, shoulder to shoulder and I'm just going to be grateful for this time with you guys and hopefully our paths will cross again. Thanks for letting me share. Thank you for letting us be with you guys this weekend. We invited God to join us as my sponsor would say and I think he did so let's close with a moment of silence and the Lord's Prayer.