The Allergy and the Obsession – 3rd Annual Stay Sober for Keeps Workshop – Part 1 of 2 – Margareta F.

Okay, we have Margaretha from Sweden and I've had a chance to know her pretty well. Both Peter and Margareta are staying with us and it's just been really amazing. Especially seeing Margarethe just getting into her thing and doing her thing and walking around with her big book and getting ready for all this stuff. It's really awesome, man. She's on fire. She walks this walk. She walks her bigbook. and she also has the power of God working through her life it's amazing and I'm excited to hear what she's got to say so come on I was so cold I had to borrow this from Angie I was starting to shiver hello everybody I heard Ernie yesterday and he said, hi family. And that was so nice, you know, because then I feel that we are all in this together. I'm Margarita, I'm a recovered alcoholic today and it's truly by the grace of God and these 12 steps and good sponsorship that I'm standing here today. And I'm going to tell you a little bit what I was like, what happened and how it's like today. how I finally found the solution for my alcoholism after 40 years of drinking. I'm a twin, my My family had no alcoholic problem, no one. It was middle class, I had a good up-growing. There was nothing wrong with that. The only thing I've been thinking about is my twin sister. She's not an alcoholic. She's never had a problem with alcohol. She could drink or leave it alone. Alcohol didn't exist like a problem for her at all, at all. But what I noticed was that when I talked to her later she was talking about our youth and she asked me, don't you remember when we did that and that and we were playing theater and we did this and that? And I just, no, and that girl was there and her name was this, and I, no, I don't remember. I don' t remember. And we have a joke about that, you know? I-S-M, incredibly short memory. I just wasn't there. I wasn't here. I don''t remember. I was already in my bubble. I was self-centered as a child. It was sort of, I was in my bubble. And at 14 years old, I took my first drink. And I remember it very well. We were at the, I was visiting some friends and they, I remember the bottle, it was white wine and I drank that wine and it just, It was just magic what happened to me. You know, I had this spiritual experience. I had an internal shift. And as it says in the Nine Step Promises, my outlook and attitude to the whole world changed. Everything changed. All my fears disappeared. I just woke up. I woke up from that bubble I'd been in. You know, I had a spiritual awakening and it was magic. And the only thing I could think about, I got drunk, of course. The first time I got drank. But the only things I could do I could only think about was when can I do this again? And my brain can only remember success. and my brain immediately recorded that success. And after that I was thinking about, when can I do this the next time? When can I feel like that the next And my life changed there. Because nothing was ever good enough anymore without it. You know, I was thinking about it. I was longing for it. I was longing to have that feeling of freedom that I got. I could talk to anyone. I could speak any language. I could flirt with the guys. I was beautiful and you know what I talk about. That was what was happening when I drank alcohol. That was how alcohol did for me. I had a spiritual experience. It was magic. so i knew that i just had to drink alcohol to feel that way and i did i did every time i had an opportunity i drank the thing is that i felt good for a while but i always got drunk always so i had i was genetically wired like that i had the allergy from the beginning from my first drink like peter said i i i was i i wasn't alcoholic i i just didn't know that alcohol was my solution alcohol wasn't my problem it was my resolution when it worked for me And I drank, and I drank And I drunk for 20 years When we finished school My twin sister We both went to Stockholm We moved to Stockholm She got a job at a telephone center And started to support herself I went to Scotland And I met a disc jockey from England who was an amphetamist, and I was together with him, because that was exciting, and that was what I wanted to do. I wanted a party, I wanted To have fun, I want To feel like that all the time, and I was partying all the Time, and also used outside stuff, but like Peter said, my drug of no choice was alcohol I always went back to alcohol and when I took other stuff I could drink more alcohol and I was drinking like a mad dog for 20 years for 20 year and I got into relationships and out of relationships I had a I had gave birth to a daughter during this time I alcohol was my master it took me everywhere that I could have never done on my own power alcohol was my power alcohol made it possible for me to do crazy things that I never could have done on my own and that's what also if you if you look at the nine-step promises you know it says that god did for me what i couldn't do for myself at that time alcohol did for mi what i could never never do for my self but from that when i started to drink i started immediately to live on self-will it was all about what i wanted what i needed what i thought that i needed to be okay and i was like a tornado running through the lives of others i really was i was changing partners i was if something wasn't good enough i just dumped it next, next, it's not good enough here I move there and I nearly didn't work in this time. I was really really messed up. In 1979 I came up to the countryside where my parents lived because I had nowhere else to go and I I came from an abusive relationship, which I had put myself in because I had made a selfish decision that that was good for me at the moment. And I put myself into that. But anyway, I came up to my parents' place with my daughter in one of the hands and a plastic bag in the other. and I came up to them because I had nowhere else to go. And I got restless, irritable, and discontent. I couldn't stay with them so I met a guy who was an alcoholic because he drank like me and that suited me fine. But when I was up there, I think it saved my life because I knew a lot of people there Because this house, we've been there when we were children and I knew a lot of people and I just had to try and control it. So that's when I tried, started to try to control my drinking. I really did try but I did not succeed. We were drinking together and he was drinking worse than me, I thought. So I drank behind him, but I was just as bad. And we were together for 10 years and then I decided no, he's not good enough for me. He's drinking too much. So we separated and I lived on my own lived on my own and I started to drink alone at home because I thought if I can be alone I can drink like I want to drink just as I can you know fill the bathtub up and have this glasses of wine this illusion you know that I can I can control it and I can enjoy it but it never worked it never worked the result was that I got very isolated because I knew that I couldn't go out and drink because I lost control all the time all the times I knew so I was isolated but I had some friends that was also drinking of course and one of them asked me if I wanted to go to Norway for a three-day ride go up in the mountains and you know to a hotel up in the mountains I said no no I don't want to go fear because I knew there was going to be drinking and when I was at home I thought I could control it I thought I quit good I'm just drinking I'm just gonna drink three and then I drank more but I as I went to bed and I woke up and I thought nothing happened I was alone so it was okay but I didn't dare to go out but this time I went and it was like always I started to drink and I had drinks with me and I got so drunk and I don't remember anything of those three days and I I on the way home I bought more liquor and I couldn't stop drinking I couldn' stop drinking and that was the first time I asked for help and I went to my first treatment center and I was devastated when I went there but it was it was magic for me to come there because I thought I was the only one in the whole world who had this problem and I noticed that I came together with other people with the same problem as me and my ego rebuilt and I started to listen to their stories and they'd been robbing shops and you know and I thought oh poor people I'm not like that I'm not like that so I took care of them a bit and they told me there that I have you cannot drink alcohol is your problem so I thought okay I go home now because I feel okay so I don't drink anymore and I was also introduced to AA the first time there I never been to AA I had no idea what AA was and I was introduced to AA and I came to these meetings and they were talking about their feelings and and about their day and in the beginning I thought that was great you know because it was all new for me it was all new for me and I didn't know anything else. Anyway, I was nine years out and in of Alcoholics Anonymous in this contemporary AA and I did not get better when I stopped drinking. I got worse and I do not know what was wrong with me. I sat in those meetings And, you know, fearful, anxious, self-conscious, self centered and they all seemed so happy. Some of them. And I just thought what's wrong with me? I went out drinking again and I went back to AA and I went out of drinking again. And then I decided to go abroad because I thought that would help if I make a trip or don't make a trip, I make it trip so I went abroad and I I went to India and I will also mention that I had started to take tranquilizers, sedatives, volume what you call them. I took tablets. I took anything that could change the way that I felt. And I went through India and I had nice time there. It was okay, it was okay. I was taking tablets but I didn't drink that much and I went back again to Sweden. I drank, I drank all the time but I had a new goal, I'm going back to India again so I was there three times and I thought I was quite okay because I could control it because I was abroad and I was feeling okay. But then I was invited to a family for a dinner and they asked me what I wanted to drink and I said, oh do you have water or something? Because they didn't know that I was drinking. And they said no we don't have any water but we have a beer. And I said okay, I'll take that beer. suddenly suddenly I took that beer and and I was drunk for one and a half years one and half years from that beer I went directly down to the bar and I got so drunk and I spent three months there I was drinking every day from morning till night I didn't find my my way home I was I wasn't eating it was horrible horrible for three months and I got a call from home because my children couldn't get hold of me that my family didn't know where I was and I I got a call from home that I had to come home because my mother had died. So, I got help to come back home because I couldn't take myself home on my own. So I came home and the funeral was the next day and I was full of pills but I didn't drink and I went into the garden where my whole family was And my daughter was there and she told me later she was so angry with me. She didn't even know if I was dead or alive or anything because, you know, it was all about me, all about me and she said but when she saw me she was thinking to herself my mother is dying and she took me aside because I was wobbling around the garden I was totally wacko and she took me inside and she put my hand she looked me in the eye and I looked her in the eyes and something happened her eyes were filled with tears big blue eyes very beautiful eyes I just hadn't seen them you know and she looked me in the eyes and she said mommy you have to do something because you are dying and I only have you she said because her father was gone and I hadn't cared about her or anything. And something just happened. And I know today that it was God's grace who came into me. I had that moment of clarity. I think it was maybe two minutes, but I saw my life like this and I saw that it wasn't me. I saw what I had done to the people who loved me the most My family who had cared so much for me I saw it all And I just collapsed It was like time collapsed for me It was this absolute defeat And I knew that I cannot take another drink I cannot take another pill and that was it. It was just two minutes and I had nowhere to live so I stayed with a friend and I was detoxing from pills. I'd been taking pills for you know I think 10 12 years and i don't advise anyone to do what i did but i just knew that i cannot take one more pill or one more drink i just new in here that i can't and that i suffered the next three months and i was down on my knees like peter said and i said god help me help me and i think help me means thy will be done because it means that i cannot help myself you know and i prayed to a god that i didn't understand but it was like you know when when um when you go to the electric chair when you know that there is no human power that can help anymore because I had tried everything. I had tried everything who do you call for or when you sit on a plane and then you know the plane is gonna crash who do You call for you call God whoever you think that is because I knew that my children couldn't save me my family couldn't save me no AA meeting could save me anymore you know I prayed to God to help me and I couldn't I couldn'T eat I couldnT talk I couldn' walk and I just prayed for God to help ME to eat a banana help ME God to eat the banana help me to take me to the shower help me you know for everything and I went to my final third treatment center the treatments never made me sober but this time I had no choice I had no choice so I went through my last treatment center and I was a wreck I was a wreck. But this time of suffering, I am so grateful for that time of suffering because my ego couldn't rebuild itself because I was detoxing from these tablets. That was awful. It kept my ego down. You know? And I went to this love treatment center and I found this book and I read A Vision for You and i knew that this is me and i have to find these people in some way but i didn't know how and i came came back home and i went to aftercare and i can see today how after my my surrender i was led to the right people that god led me right in sweden where nobody was using the big book at all on my meetings where i was it was they read out of 12 and 12 and then they talked about dogs and cats you know that was how it was nobody talked about the bigbook anyway i came to the aftercare the guy there i was devastated i said please help me what what do i do you know i know that i will drink again it's not a matter about if i'm gonna drink it's when will i pick up that drink again but because who can stand to feel the way that i did you know so this aftercare guy he just looked at me i said just help me help me what do i do and he gave me uh gresham's law and i read that you know strong aa medium aa strong coffee medium coffee and i understood again this is what i have to have this is what i have to have after that i was sent to a seminar there were some guys from another town and that guy had been sponsored by a guy who had been funded by joe mcqueenie it's just and i went to that seminar and they went through the steps and i was sitting there and people said, well, this was a nice course and oh, nice to learn about this and I just said, this is not a course for me this is about life and death for me I know that I have to do this or I will drink and I will die and they just looked at me that was a crazy girl but I was really, really, I knew and after that I went to my AM meetings because i had nowhere else to go and then suddenly it was one man there who had done the steps and he saw that i was desperate for help and he said you have to do the steps you have to do this step and he took me to detox to tell my story this is just incredible what happened to me you know all the stuff that happened to me and then he was always sharing about the steps for me at the meetings and he took me to detox and he said you have to do the steps but I said I have to have help and I'd asked for sponsors and they had taken me for coffee, and they told me about their miserable life. You know? I didn't know what a sponsor was. But there was another guy in the meetings, and we were sitting together dying inside the rooms of AA. And this guy, his name is Göran, and he's a member of my group today we have a small group called the big book group in Borlänge and bless you Joran if you ever hear this he had had met another guy who had done the steps and they had just started a new group and he was on fire with this because he'd been in AA and he he was dying inside the rooms of AA. And they started a new group and he said to me, Margarita, come to our group. And I went there and we were just, I think, six people. And he helped me through the steps and I was ready. I had already taken one, two and three. But I didn't know what was wrong with me until they explained to me from this big book that I had an allergy to alcohol and I had a obsession in my mind. I had this strange mental blank spot that I had no defense against the first drink, that I was powerless over alcohol and that my problem centers in my mind and that i have no choice and i knew that but it explained to me the energy explained why i got drunk every time the obsession explained why I couldn't leave it alone even though i had promised myself millions of times crying meaning it that i will if i just make it this time I will never drink again. I promised my family, I promised my children, I promise everyone never to drink again and my family said why are you drinking Margarita when you know what's happening every time? I don't know. I was just gonna have a few to take the edge off. And they asked me when I tried to not drink, but you're not drinking now. Why aren't you feeling good? I don't know. I'm feeling miserable. You know, I didn't understand my problem. My problem was I didn' t understand my problem from this book, from the first step that I am powerless over alcohol. I have lost the power of choice forever because at certain times I don't have the mental effective defense against the first drink because otherwise what am I doing here? If I could choose not to drink I would be at home choosing not to drinking and do other stuff I am And I'm not cured from alcoholism. I did these steps, and I think, you know, the last three steps, I did all the steps, I did my amends, I had a spiritual awakening, and it has to be better than the one I got from alcohol when it worked for me. It has to do with alcoholism, because otherwise I will go back. And this program is so much more than just not drinking, you know. This is so Much More. I'd lost the power of choice and I knew that. I knew it. And this little group got me into helping others at once. I was just newly sober, you now. and I lived in a small apartment in Borlänge and they took people there because it was convenient because I lived there alone so they took people there and I was there and we were doing fifth steps and we where helping others and I just knew and this saved my life it saved my live I just lit up you know this is the juice to be able to give this away and so important to do it very early on it says in the book nothing will help you more than to go out and help others in the beginning of your sobriety because it's like this yeah so I am so fortunate to have found this solution in this book and i knew i i got another sponsor and that was because i was into it you know my recovery comes first and above everything else and i was going on skype meetings and i Was on cliffs in texas Dallas and there was a woman from Denmark who was sponsored by him so I asked her to sponsor me and she took me through the big book boom boom boom like that and I needed that because so that I could carry the message from the book exactly as it's outlined here and she took me I think it took three weeks over Skype and I had another spiritual awakening and I have spiritual awakenings all the time because this is never ending this is a journey you know and I've just started that journey and it's a beautiful journey but I have recovered the mental obsession is gone because I had to find another solution than alcohol. And that solution must be better than when alcohol worked for me. And I have found that solution in this book and I've had a spiritual experience and I'm trying to carry this message to as many people as I can. Everyone that God puts in my life, i am responsible not the one beside me not that one or that one or you i am responsible and i never forget that guy in the meeting who had taken the steps and talked about the steps the only one who did that he was sitting there for me and i know that god led me to all these people so that i could find this program so that I could recover and not die in this disease and I mean God is doing amazing things for me today and we're here in California I came from cold Sweden and this wasn't my plan I mean seven years ago I couldn't go to the mailbox and I'm standing here today I was scared to death what if I meet a neighbor I don't know what to say. I didn't want to see anyone. I did not know how people could live. I remember I was standing in my window looking at people going with sticks and dogs and being happy and I was just standing there miserable and I wondered, how do they do that? How can they be happy just going out with a dog or sticks and just talking crap. How do they do that? So I went to my solution, the only solution that I knew, you know, alcoholism. I mean And I didn't know that I was suffering from a deadly, progressive illness. I didn' t know that. I thought that I would be okay if I didn''t drink. And that's the big lie, that I think I'm okay if don't drink. I have to do something about this condition because I was worse sober than drunk. I didn't know how to live. This book has learned me how to leave one day at a time because I had to find the power that was greater than me and I have found that power by which I can live one day at a time and it's my responsibility to keep in fit spiritual condition God doesn't do for me what I can do for myself he loves me but he doesn't come uninvited I have the responsibility to keep myself in fit spiritual condition to access this power every day and it says here it's easy to yeah rest on your laurels I have one day one day's reprieve yes, that's what it says and that's my responsibility and I live in this step and I live in this book and I know there is no other way for me because I tried it I tried to live in the three dimensions of life work you know live like other people doesn't work for me I had to be catapulted into the fourth dimension for me to be able to exist in this world as the alcoholic that I am and I am so grateful I am so grateful that for everyone who is carrying this book to show that there is a solution there is a solution and I mean I think God got tired of seeing people like us die and he sent he put some people together so that this book could be written for me and for you so that we don't have to die in the gutter because that's where I would have ended up and I am so grateful to be here and And Angie and Jeff, they have left their whole house up for us. And the hospitality. And it's just amazing what God can do. If I do what I'm supposed to do. Because I know why I'm here today. I know where I am. I know who I am alive. It is to carry this message to people who were like me. who is like me. And there is no hopeless case if you really want this. It's for everyone. I think I stop there. Thank you all. Thank you, all. And excuse me for my bad English. Wish I could have done it in Swedish, but you have to come to Sweden. Thank you. Thank you so much. Thank you! wow both Peter and Margarita wow let's give a nice round of applause this workshop will continue tomorrow morning and Peter and Margarida will kick off right at 9am to share all 12 steps yes, all 12 steps which we get to take as a pathway to God and to permanent sobriety I hear something over there yes but we highly encourage you all to show up around 8.30 to enjoy breakfast and to get a good seat quickly those that have worked the steps and have the time and willingness to sponsor please raise your hands high or stand up so those looking for a sponsor know who to talk to after the meeting we'd like to quickly remind everyone of the other two primary purpose big book study groups in the area. Well, actually three. Primary Purpose Group in Mission Viejo meets on Friday evenings at 7 p.m., and the Primary Purpurpose Group in Newport Beach meets on Thursday evenings at 6 p. m., and the primary purpose group in Fresno meets at 7 o'clock on Wednesdays. For addresses, call me for Fresno, or you can go to www.ppgoc.org. To close this meeting, I am going to read a quote from Dr. Bob. If you have your big book, it's on page 181. Okay, wow. So glad you're all here and I hope you can all continue to be here tomorrow. This is really exciting. If you think you are an atheist, an agnostic, a skeptic, or have any other form of intellectual pride which keeps you from accepting what is in this book, I feel sorry for you. If you still think you are strong enough to beat the game alone, that is your affair. But if you really and truly want to quit drinking liquor for good and all and sincerely feel that you must have some help, we know that we have an answer for you It never fails. If you go about it with one half the zeal you have been in the habit of showing when you were getting another drink, your heavenly father will never let you down grab someone's hand let's circle up and say the Lord's prayer Who brought us all here tonight? Our Father, who art in heaven, hallowed be thy name. Thy kingdom come, thy will be done, on earth as it is in heaven. Give us this day our daily bread and forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us. And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil. for thine is the kingdom and the power and the glory forever and ever. Amen.