The Allergy and the Obsession – 3rd Annual Stay Sober for Keeps Workshop – Part 2 of 2 – Margareta F.

Hello everybody, I heard Ernie yesterday and he said hi family and that was so nice you know because then I feel that we are all in this together. I'm Margarita, I'm a recovered alcoholic today and it's truly by the grace of God and these 12 steps and good sponsorship that I'm standing here today and I'm gonna tell you a little bit what I was like, what happened and how it's like today. And how I finally found the solution for my alcoholism after 40 years of drinking. I'm a twin, my family had no alcoholic problem, no one. It was middle class, I had a good up-growing there was nothing wrong with that. The only thing I've been thinking about is my twin sister, she's not an alcoholic, she never had a problem with alcohol, she could drink or leave it alone. Alcohol didn't exist like a problem for her at all, at all. But what I noticed was that when I talked to her later, she was talking about our youth and she asked me, don't you remember when we did that and that and we were playing theater and we did this and that? And I just, no. And that girl was there and her name was this. And I, no, I don't remember. I don't remember. And we have a joke about that, you know, I-S-M incredibly short memory. I just wasn't there. I wasn't there. II don't remember. I was already in my bubble. It was, I was self-centered as a child. It was sort of, I was in my bubble and at 14 years old I took my first drink and I remember it very well we were at I was visiting some friends and they I remember the bottle it was white wine and I drank that wine and it just it was just magic what happened to me you know I had this spiritual experience I had an internal shift and as it says in the nine step promises my outlook and attitude to the whole world changed everything changed all my fears disappeared I just woke up I woke up from that bubble I've been in you know I had a spiritual awakening and it was magic and the only thing I could think about I got drunk of course the first time I got drunk but if the only thing I can think about was when can I do this again and And my brain can only remember success, and my brain immediately recorded that success. And after that I was thinking about when can I do this the next time? When can I feel like that the next? And my life changed there because nothing was ever good enough anymore without it. You know, I was thinking about it. I was longing for it. I was long to have that feeling of freedom that I got. I could talk to anyone. I could speak any language. I could flirt with the guys. i was beautiful and you know you know what i talk about that was what was happening when i drank alcohol that waswhatalcohol did for for me that i had a spiritual experience it was magic so i knew that i just had to drink alcohol to feel that way and i did i did every time i had an opportunity, I drank. The thing is that I felt good for a while, but I always got drunk. Always. So I was genetically wired like that. I had the allergy from the beginning, from my first drink, like Peter said. I was an alcoholic. I just didn't know that alcohol was my solution. Alcohol wasn't my problem. It was my solution when it worked for me. And I drank and I drank and I drunk for 20 years. When we finished school, my twin sister, she, we both went to Stockholm. We moved to Stockholm, she got a job at a telephone center and started to support herself. I went to Stockholm and I met a disc jockey from England who was an amphetamist and I was together with him because that was exciting and that was what I wanted to do. I wanted a party, I wanted some fun, I wanted something like that all the time and I also used used outside stuff but like Peter said my drug of no choice was alcohol I always went back to alcohol and when I took other stuff I could drink more alcohol and I was drinking like a mad dog for 20 years for 20 year and I got into relationships and out of relationships I gave birth to a daughter during this time alcohol was my master it took me everywhere that I could have never done on my own power alcohol was My power alcohol made it possible for Me to do crazy things that I never could have done on My own and that's what Also, if you look at the Nine Step Promises, it says that God did for me what I couldn't do for myself. At that time, alcohol did for me what i could never, never do for myself. But from that, when I started to drink, I started immediately to live on self-will. It was all about what I wanted, what I needed, what I thought that I needed to be okay. And I was like a tornado running through the lives of others. I really was. I was changing partners. If something wasn't good enough, I just dumped it. Next, next, next. It's not good enough here, I move there. and I nearly didn't work in this time I didn't do I was really, really messed up In 1979 I came up to the countryside where my parents lived because I had nowhere else to go and I came from an abusive relationship which I had put myself in because I had made a selfish decision that that was good for me at the moment and I put myself in that. But anyway, I came up to my parents' place with my daughter in one of the hands and a plastic bag in the other and I came out to them because I have nowhere else to go. And I got restless, irritable and discontent. discontent I couldn't stay with them so I met a guy who was an alcoholic because he drank like me and that was that suited me fine and but when I was up there I think it saved my life because I had to I knew a lot of people there because this house we we've been there when we were children and I knew a lot of people and I just had to try and control it so that's when I tried started to try to control my drinking I really did try but I did not succeed we were drinking together and he was drinking worse than me I thought so I drank behind him but I was just as bad and we were together for 10 years and then I decided no he's not good enough for me he's drinking too much so we separated and I lived on my own and I started to drink alone at home because I thought if I can be alone I can drink like I want to drink just as I can you know fill the bathtub up and have this glasses of wine this illusion you know that I can I can control it and I can enjoy it but it never worked it never works the result was that I got very isolated because I knew that I couldn't go out and drink because I lost control all the time, all the time. I knew. So I was isolated but I had some friends that was also drinking of course and one of them asked me if I wanted to go to Norway for a three day ride, go up in the mountains and you know, to a hotel up inthe mountains and I said no, no I don't want to go fear because I knew there was going to be drinking and when I was at home I thought I could control it I thought I'm just drinking I'm going to drink three and then I drank more but as I went to bed and I woke up and I thought nothing happened I was alone so it was ok but I didn't dare to go out but this time I went and it was like always i started to drink and i had drinks with me and i got so drunk and i don't remember anything of those three days and i on the way home i bought more liquor and i couldn't stop drinking i couldn'T stop drinking and that was the first time i asked for help and I went to my first treatment center and I was devastated when I went there but it was magic for me to come there because I thought I was the only one in the whole world who had this problem and I noticed that I came together with other people with the same problem as me and my ego rebuilt and I started to listen to their stories and they'd been robbing shops and I thought, oh poor people I'm not like that so I took care of them a bit and they told me there that you cannot drink alcohol is your problem so I thought okay I go home now because I feel okay so I don't drink anymore and I was also introduced to AA the first time there I'd never been to AA I had no idea what AA was and I got introduced to it and I came to these meetings and they were talking about their feelings and about their day and in the beginning I thought that was great you know because it was all new for me it was old it was new for my and I didn't know anything else Anyway, I was nine years out and in of Alcoholics Anonymous in this contemporary AA. And I didn't get better when I stopped drinking. I got worse. And I did not know what was wrong with me. I sat in those meetings and, you know, fearful anxious self-conscious self-centered and they all seemed so happy some of them and I just thought what's wrong with me and I went out drinking again and I went back to AA and I was out drinking again and then I decided to go abroad because I thought that would help if I make a trip or don't make a trip I make it so I went abroad and I went to India and I will also mention that I had started to take tranquilizers sedatives volume what you call them I took tablets I took anything that could change the way that I felt and I went to India and I had nice time there it was okay it was taking tablets but I didn't drink that much and I went back again to Sweden. I drank, I drank all the time but I had a new goal. I'm going back to India again so I was there three times and I thought I was quite okay because I could control it because I was abroad and I was feeling okay. Then Then I was invited to a family for a dinner and they asked me what I wanted to drink and I said, oh do you have water or something? Because they didn't know that I was drinking. And they said no we don't have any water but we have a beer. And I said okay, I'll take that beer. Suddenly, suddenly I took that beer! I was drunk for one and a half years. One and a half years from that beer. I went directly down to the bar and I got so drunk and I spent three months there. I was drinking every day from morning till night. I didn't find my way home. I wasn't eating. It was horrible, horrible for three months. And I got a call from home because my children couldn't get hold of me, that my family didn't know where I was. And then I got the call from home that I had to come home because mother had died. So I got help to come home because I couldn't take myself home on my own. So I came home and the funeral was the next day and I was full of pills but I didn't drink and I went into the garden where my whole family was and my daughter was there and she told me later she was so angry with me, she was so angry with me she didn't even know if I was dead or alive or anything because you know it was all about me, all about me and she said but when she saw me she was thinking to herself my mother is dying and she took me aside because I was wobbling around the garden, I was totally wacko. And she took me aside and she took my hand. She looked me in the eye and I looked her in the eyes and something happened. Her eyes were filled with tears, big blue eyes, very beautiful eyes. I just hadn't seen them, you know, and she looked me into the eyes. And then she said, mommy you have to do something because you are dying and I only have you she said because her father was gone and I hadn't cared about her or anything and something just happened and I know today that it was God's grace who came into me I had that moment of clarity I think it was maybe two minutes. But I saw my life like, like this. And I saw that it was me. I saw what I had done to the people who loved me the most. My family who had cared so much for me. So I saw it all and I just collapsed. It was like time collapsed for me. It was this absolute defeat. And I just knew that I cannot take another drink. I cannot take another pill. And that was it. It was just two minutes. And, uh, I, I just, I had nowhere to live so I stayed with a friend and I was detoxing from pills. I'd been taking pills for you know I think 10-12 years and I don't advise anyone to do what I did but I just knew that I cannot take one more pill or one more drink. I just new in here that I can't and I suffered the next three months and i was down on my knees like peter said and i said god help me help me and i think help me means thy will be done because it means that i cannot help myself you know and i prayed to a god that i didn't understand but it was like you know when when when you go to the electric chair when you know that there is no human power that can help you anymore because I had tried everything I had tryed everything who do you call for? or when you sit on a plane and you know the plane is gonna crash who do your call for you call God whoever you think that is because I knew that my children couldn't save me my family couldn't save me no AA meeting could save me anymore you know, I prayed to God to help me and I couldn't I couldn' t eat I couldn''t talk I couldn'T walk and I just prayed for God to have me to eat a banana help me god to eat the banana help me to take me to the shower help me you know for anything and I went to my final third treatment center the treatment never made me sober but this time I had no choice I had not choice so I went to my last treatment center and I was a wreck but this time of suffering I am so grateful for that time of suffering because my ego couldn't rebuild itself because I was detoxing from these tablets, that was awful it kept my ego down you know, and I went to this last treatment center and I found this book and I read a vision for you and I knew that this is me and I have to find these people in some way. But I didn't know how and I came back home and I went to aftercare and I can see today how after my surrender I was led to the right people that god led me right in sweden where nobody was using the big book at all on my meetings where i was they read out of 12 and 12 and then they talked about dogs and cats you know that was how it was nobody talked about the big books anyway I came to the aftercare the guy there, I was devastated I said please help me what do I do you know I know that I will drink again it's not a matter about if I'm gonna drink it's when will I pick up that drink again because who can stand to feel the way that I did you know so this aftercare guy he just looked at me I said, just help me, help me. What do I do? And he gave me Gresham's Law. And I read that. You know, strong AA, medium AA, strong coffee, medium coffee. And I understood again, this is what I have to have. This is what i have to hae. After that, I was sent to a seminar. There were some guys from another town and that guy had been sponsored by a guy who had been sponsored by joe mcqueen and i went to that seminar and they went through the steps and i was sitting there and people said well this was a nice course and oh nice to learn about this and i just said this is not a course for me this is about life and death for me i know that is i have to do this or i will drink and i will die and they just looked at me with that crazy girl because i was really really i knew i knew and after that i i went to my am meetings because i had nowhere else to go and then suddenly it was one man there who had done the steps and he saw that i was desperate for help and he said you have to do the steps you have to do the steps and he took me to detox to tell my story this is just incredible what happened to me you know all the stuff that happened to me and then he was always sharing about the steps for me at the meetings and he took me to detox and he said you have to do the steps but I said I have to have help and I I'd asked for sponsors and they had taken me for coffee and they told me about their miserable life you know I didn't know what a sponsor was but there was another guy in the meetings and we were sitting together dying inside the rooms of AA and this guy his name is Joran and he's a member of my group today we have a small group called the big book group in Borlänge and bless you Joram if you ever hear this he had had met another guy who had done the steps and they had just started a new group and he was on fire with this because he'd been in AA and he was dying inside the rooms of AA. And they started a new group and he said to me, Margarita, come to our group. And I went there and we were just, I think, six people. And he helped me through the steps and I was ready. I had already taken one, two and three but I didn't know what was wrong with me until they explained to me from this big book that I had an allergy to alcohol and I had an obsession in my mind I had this strange mental blank spot that I was that I had no defense against the first drink that I was powerless over alcohol and that my problem centers in my mind and that I have no choice and I knew that but it explained to me the energy explained why I got drunk every time the obsession explained why I couldn't leave it alone even though I had promised myself millions of times crying meaning it that I will if I just make it this time I will never drink again I promised my family I promised my children I promised everyone never to drink again and my family said why are you drinking Margarita when you know what's happening every time I don't know I was just going to have a few to take the edge off and they asked me when I tried to not drink but you're not drinking now Why aren't you feeling good? I don't know. I'm feeling miserable, you know. I didn't understand my problem. My problem was I didn' t understand my probem. I did understand my problem from this book, from the first step that I am powerless over alcohol. I have lost the power of choice forever. because at certain times I don't have the mental effective defense against the first drink because otherwise what am I doing here? If I could choose not to drink I would be at home choosing not to think and do other stuff. I am I'm not cured from alcoholism. I did these steps and I think you know the last three steps I did all the steps I did my amends I had a spiritual awakening and it has to be better than the one I got from alcohol when it worked for me it has to be better because otherwise I will go back and this program is so much more than just not drinking you know this is so much more i'd lost the power of choice and i knew that i knew that and this little group got me into helping others at once i was just newly sober you know and i i lived in a small apartment in bollinger and they took people there because it was convenient because i lived there alone so they took People there and i was there and we were doing fifth steps that we were helping others and I was just new and this saved my life it saved my live I just lit up you know, this is the juice to be able to give this away and so important to do it very early on it says in the book nothing will help you more than to go out and help others in the beginning of your sobriety because it's like this, yeah? So I am so fortunate to have found this solution in this book. And I knew I got another sponsor and that was because I was into it, you know. My recovery comes first and above everything else And I was going on Skype meetings, and I was on cliffs in Texas, Dallas. And there was a woman from Denmark who was sponsored by him, so I asked her to sponsor me. And she took me through the big book, boom, boom. Boom, boom like that. And I needed that because, so that I could carry the message from the book exactly as it's outlined here. And she took me, I think it took three weeks over Skype. And I had another spiritual awakening and I have spiritual awakenings all the time Because this is never ending. This is a journey, you know. And I've just started a journey. And it's a beautiful journey. But I have recovered. The mental obsession is gone. Because I had to find another solution than alcohol. and that solution must be better than when alcohol worked for me and I have found that solution in this book and I've had a spiritual experience and I'm trying to carry this message to as many people as I can everyone that God puts in my life I am responsible not the one beside me Not that one or that one or you. I am responsible and I never forget that guy in the meeting who had taken the steps and talked about the steps. The only one who did that he was sitting there for me and I know that God led me to all these people so that I could find this program so that i could recover and not die in this disease and I mean God is doing amazing things for me today and we're here in California, I came from cold Sweden and this wasn't my plan, I mean seven years ago I couldn't go to the mailbox and I'm standing here I was scared to death what if I meet a neighbor I don't know what to say I didn't want to see anyone I didn't know how people could live I was I remember I was standing in my my window looking at people going with these sticks and dogs and being happy and I was standing in there just miserable and I wondered how do they do that how can they be happy just going out with a dog or stick and just talking crap How do they do that? So I went to my solution. The only solution that I knew, you know, alcoholism. I mean, I didn't know that I was suffering from a deadly progressive illness. I didn' t know that. I thought that I w as okay if I didn''t drink. And that's the big lie, that I think I'm okay if I don't drink. I have to do something about this condition because I was worse sober than drunk. I didn't know how to live. This book has learned me how to leave one day at a time because i had to find the power that was greater than me and i have found that power by which i can live one day at a time and it's my responsibility to keep in fit spiritual condition god doesn't do for me what i can do for myself he loves me but he doesn't come uninvited i have the responsibility to keep myself in spit fit spiritual condition to access this power every day and it says here it's easy to yeah rest on your laurels i have one day one day's reprieve yes that's what it says and that's my responsibility and i live in this step and i leave in this book and i know there is no other way for me because i tried it i tried to live in the three dimensions of life work you know live like other people doesn't work for me I had to be catapulted into the fourth dimension for me to be able to exist in this world as the alcoholic that I am and I am so grateful I am so grateful that for everyone who is carrying this book to show that there is a solution. There is a Solution. And I mean, I think God got tired of seeing people like us die and He sent, He put some people together so that this book could be written for me and for you so that we don't have to die in the gutter because that's where I would have ended up and I am so grateful to be here and Angie and Jeff they have left their whole house up for us and the hospitality and it's just amazing what God can do if I do what I'm supposed to do because I know why I'm here today I know why I am alive it is to carry this message to people who were like me who is like me and there is no hopeless case if you really want this it's for everyone I think I stop there thank you all and excuse me for my bad English wish I could have done it in Swedish but you have to come to Sweden thank you