Step 4 Moral Inventory – 4th Step – Part 1 of 2 – Kip C.

Thank you very much. Hi. This is the fourth week, so obviously this is the fourth step. And we've talked about the first three steps, which is really the preparation for the work that's at hand. The thing about the first three step is that they are basically the precursor that we need to understand before we're capable to do the work. It's what we need to do and understand about ourselves before we can actually go do the work that's necessary to change who we are. The problem is, is that it's easy to do The First Three Steps because it doesn't take much commitment in terms of looking at yourself. it takes being honest in the first step it takes understanding that I am not I don't have the answer for my problem but something else, somebody else a higher power may have the answers and that can lead me out of my insanity and in the third step it's a decision that I make, a decision to trust the process and as it says to turn my will and my life over to the care of God as we understand them. Those are fairly easy things to do, although the sentences may be difficult and the concepts may be different but the problem is this. This is where most people stop. Most people stop at the third step and they'll have excuses like I'm stuck at the 3rd step or I don't understand the concept of God or I want to feel like I have to believe and it's too religious for me or turn my will and my life over is too difficult to understand. I'd say there's plenty of excuses, but the bottom line and the biggest excuse of them all, which is really what all the excuses are, is that nobody wants to do the fourth step. People are stuck in the third step for nine months because eight months and three weeks they're procrastinating doing the fourth steps because in the fourth stage and I think innately somewhere deep down when we read the fourth stuff we know it's going to take it's the end of BS it's the beginning of something new what new? I didn't know now I've been I've been in therapy, I've being in Phoenix House, I'd been in encounter groups, I'v been in Gestalt I've be in Primal Screen, I'm being in psychotherapy, I have been in all kinds of groups some of the weirdest stuff out there I've bee there and then I was taught how to lead them too and it was really weird But I did all of them. I've been in encounter groups that lasted 72 hours, marathons where you didn't sleep at all, maybe two or three hours. I've being in what they called guilt copping sessions where you sit down and you talk about your guilt and the first four hours you talk about this is what we lived in the community. And you talk in the first four hours about stuff that bothers you like I stole peanut butter out of the fridge and I stole his toothpaste and then after six or 7 hours some more important stuff comes up and after 8 hours some really important stuff after 24 hours some real serious stuff comes out after 36 hours you're starting to look at your life differently you're trying to look back what have I done after 48 hours you can't see straight you haven't slept and you're still doing it and sometimes there's an hour and nobody stands up after two and a half days things come up that you can't believe all the defenses are down everything is open and people start admitting to things that they've done and it becomes very emotional anyway, the bottom line is I've done all these things nowhere ever in all these therapies oh mind you, I did all these things and I kept using I kept drinking. That's how good it was. Right? It was impressive, and it was very interesting, and it Was sometimes mind-blowing, and it Wore all kinds of stuff, especially the era of seminar training, which is now called the forum, I think. Anyway, but I kept thinking. I kept using. Nobody in all those therapies ever asked me, write down your resentments. Nobody. All those guys that spent years and years in school learning how to deal with us, it took one of you to tell me what to do, what made sense. Just write down your resentments. And that's what the four-step is about. I knew deep down that when I was going to write down my resentments, I was gonna expose something. I was wanna show something about me, but I wasn't sure what. I knew I didn't want to. And I knew it was going to be personal. And I know it's going to make me feel vulnerable and being personal and vulnerable. That's not my piece of cake, but just like I followed the suggestion not to use and drink between meetings. I followed this suggestion to get a sponsor. I followed his suggestion to go to meetings every day. I followed their suggestion as well. I followed a suggestion to write down my resentments. and the first thing I learned is something that has stayed with me until today and I say it a lot a resentment is an attitude it's an attitude that says that what's bothering me is somebody else's fault for me that was profound because it made me understand that if my problem is outside of me then so is the solution if I want the solution to my problem I have to make the problem part of me because the serenity prayer says I cannot change anything but I I cannot you I cannot I cannot I cannot change the way you think about me or what you're going to do I can change myself so if I am fed up and tired of my problems and of my life the way it transpired I'm going to have to learn to understand that the problems that I encounter are my doing. An attitude is, and I've said this before, an attitude is the result of emotions. Emotions feed attitudes. They create attitudes. Attitudes feed or motivate behavior. So if I have a bad attitude, I'll have consequently bad behavior corresponding to the bad attitude the bad behavior will result in a bad reaction which creates a bad feeling I'm pissed off and because I'm pissed off and I have a bad emotion I have an attitude I find it interesting that AA is the only program to figure this out in all its simplicity in all its candor in all the way it's written down in few words that as simple as it is is as profound I write down my resentments I do what's called a searching and fearless moral inventory of myself I write down my resentment whom do I resent what did they do what did it affect inside of me what part of me was hurt my manhood, did I not feel like a guy did I feel like I'm part of did I Feel Rejected whatever, what part of me Was Hurt how could I have prevented it and what was my part in it those are the five things I had a list I think I've done four or five real big fourth and fifth steps but I had this list of what I was going to share with my sponsor and then I had this list that I was not going to share with my sponsor but I did anyway and then I had a black list which nobody's going to know and I found out that when I shared that list there was not a list under there of stuff that nobody was going to know. You are not going to learn about this about me. In my last big fourth and fifth I did share that part. I did. I did it with a sponsor whom I knew had a similar experience when he grew up. And I trusted him. And as profound as the experience was as moving and emotional it was as well but I never ever have felt so freed as if the choke hold came off I never felt so at peace afterwards it says in the book you do your fifth step we're not there yet we'll talk about the fourth sit down, quiet down meditate, pray thank your higher power that somebody gave you this opportunity. And you know what? That's what this is about. Last week I said we are the survivors of our past. Many people don't survive. A lot of them don't survived. I think the numbers are infinitely small of who ends up here and who becomes successful in doing this. Two percent? One percent? I don't know the number. I know it's little. Most alcoholics, most addicts don't end up here. They never do. And those that hear about it, maybe they show up and they don't stay. Some die on the way. Some go to prisons and disappear. But we are the ones that survive. We are the one's that survive the street, the mayhem, the BS, the bad parents, the bad girlfriends, the bed boyfriends. We survived it and we're here. and although I've had knives to my head guns to my hand knives on my throat I've never been as afraid as sitting in front of my sponsor having to tell him what happened to me but I had one thing that was given to me by him I had his trust so I did what was asked and the result was amazing but I'm going ahead of where I want to go. It says, May the searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves. That's the step. The tradition associated with it says each group should be autonomous except in matters affecting other groups or AA as a whole. The overriding principle that goes with this is courage. The traditions are formed and created as a framework within which AA can function, which in which we can function autonomously from AA as a whole. Each group has its own set up, its own making its own format it's the way we want to do it there is no specific way it has to be done nor is there a president nor is There somebody who's in charge We choose amongst us who runs the meeting from month to month It is that safety that the tradition, that the traditions create that allow us to work the steps. This tradition, although it seems like it may not be congruous with what this step says, actually does create the safety to do what we need to do in step four. The group as a whole, as we are much like the individual must eventually at some point in their life at some point in the life of the group conform to principles that guarantee our survival. It is within the group that we do, when we do the four step, the beginning of the process of change that guarantees my survival. The same thing with the tradition. It is we are given the freedom to do the group the way we want to as long as there's two things we do not touch. We do not injure AA. We do NOT infringe upon AA's idea. And we have no affirmations with any other institution, with any another situation, with any body. We are on our own. We're independent. When AA started out, But Bill W. joined the Oxford Group in 1934. The first six steps, the steps from the Oxford group were changed to do the 12 steps that we currently use in 1938. But in December of 1937, there was a meeting in New York with those that were prominent in AA and John D. Rockefeller. Rockefeller, a rich guy, bankster. I mean, he's been around. He's very wealthy. The family is extraordinarily wealthy. He's the guy that actually gave and donated the land that the United Nations has built on. Rockefeller understood that AA was something different. There was something totally new that actually could work. and he wanted to put money into AA. He wanted to put money in to it and make it work. Money which was refused because it would have made us dependent upon something else. What? I don't know. It could have been anything. But that money was never given, it was never accepted. It's just a beginning idea that we cannot be affiliated with any group, with any institution with any outside thought. We are on our own. The moment we accept an affiliation with another institution, our rules will change. Our system will change We will have to change the way we do our things according to somebody else's ideas because they gave the money for us to survive. Well, you know what? If this doesn't survive, it is because of us. It's because we could not make it because we couldn't do it because we cannot manage it. We have been given the freedom, and it says it, each group should be autonomous, except in matters affecting other groups or as a whole. We are the ones that create this. And if it doesn't work, it's because of us, nobody else. We're the only ones to blame. And we're the Only Ones That Get the Benefit, too, as a result. So within that framework, we are capable of doing the fourth step and creating a situation where I can question myself. Where I can do the first part of this self-examination which is necessary for me to find a freedom to live a better life. The first three steps do not provide this. Yes, I understand my problem. Yes, I know that I'm insane. And yes, I don't have the answers. And okay, I'll trust the process. That's it, the first three steps. It doesn't talk about me and what I have to do. The fourth step is the first one where it does. There are six steps that will create a personality change. And believe me, it is a personality changed. We will change as a result of these six steps. Three pairs. And the first part of the pair, like step four, is an internal process. Something I do with myself. The second part of a pair, number five, seven or nine, I do with somebody else. It's specifically set up this way. It is set upthis way sequentially, not because life is sequential, but just because, like any classroom, we need to learn things one one number, one step at the time. Life does not happen sequentially. Things happen to me that I can use the steps on. There are things that have happened that my sponsor says, read the fourth step, read the fifth step, read the ninth step, do a tenth step. This is the sixth and seventh step, deal with it. Actually, he likes to say that. Life is lived in the sixth and the seventh step and then he usually hangs up. But he says something else. It says, Mayday, searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves. And my sponsor has a nice saying that I like. It says, sobriety is not for cowards. And I like that because it's true. I've had to look at things that I did not want to look at. Not only that, I've got to talk about it. I had to show it. I had expose it. I had tell things about it, I had too. I had the lyric laid open. No matter what. guilt and shame is what we're dealing with guilt and shame are the two emotions excuse me guilt and shame are the two emotions the only two emotions that tell me who I am what I am worth or not worth you know we hear that we do get what we deserve we don't, I don't believe we do at least we get what we are or what we feel we are deserving of that's what we get totally different guilt and shame are the two emotions that tell me what I am deserving of and as long as guilt and shame reign in my life I will not be deserving of anything because I'm guilty. Because I'm shameful. Because of the things that I've done to myself and to others, because of things that others have allowed to do to me, the things I've taken from others, the things how I hurt other people. All those things have made me look back at my life in a specific way. I like to look at it this way. It's like a picture book. I look at my wife and I see these pictures and they remind me there's pictures of me in that book and they reminds me of whom I was and at the end of the book no good pictures there's all these pictures with memories stuff that happens what happened in the elevator between the 4th and the 5th floor that was one of those pictures I had another picture where I was in a train in Holland and I'd been up for a long time and I was getting sick and I was out of stuff and I knew I was getting sick and I only had a little bit left and I went to the bathroom and I opened up the paper and as I'm looking at it, I'm vomiting. you know how it goes sometimes because it sputters back at you and the picture I have is this me on the floor in a public bathroom in a train dipping on the ground on the front of the floor finding out where the stuff is putting it in my mouth not caring what else goes with it it was nasty it was messy I mean it was noisy before I vomited it was naughty that's another picture I was invited to this Christmas party and I bowed into the Christmas tree and I vomited to the Christmas tea and then fell front first into the Christmastree. I didn't go there to do that. It just happened, you know? It wasn't my fault. It was the eggnog or whatever. So I have these pictures and all these pictures remind me of me and there's plenty of those and I didnít have one picture where I could say I feel good about that. I learned that if I start sharing these things with somebody else, if I started sharing what happened to me and I start talking about this, that the power that these pictures have over me diminishes. For some reason, and I'm not sure how it works, but I think just daylight, if daylight shines on a problem, the problem goes away. At least these type of problems. and I found that sharing these problems with another person looking at them first myself and then admitting to them I found that that changes the whole approach this problem has on me it takes away the choke hold it takes way the fear it takes a way the anger it takes the way it takes the way the resentment somebody in the beginning of my program suggested once you should I was pissed about something whatever. I just remember I was pissed. And my sponsor said, pray for the guy. And I'm like, are you kidding? Are you effing kidding? I mean, really? And, I mean that was the last thing I was going to do. Are you kidding? I mean really? But just like I was asked to do other things that I didn't want to do he says, even if you don't believe it, it doesn't matter just do it. Just do it He was a little bit more forceful in his terminology. But so I did. I prayed for this guy, and I had a physical sensation. It was a sensation where I could feel the resentment leave me. And I was converted. I changed my opinion about prayer. Not so much that I became religious. I understood that the process did something for me that I did not understand before and it's not that I understand perfectly well how it works I just know that it does work and I'm not questioning it and I still do this 25 years later I pray for people I pray, I pray I pray to those that I love I pray that I don't love at all and usually that list is there but that list over time has become smaller and smaller and smaller and sometimes I have to search whom do I resent and then I pray for those whose names I forgot that makes me feel good now an interesting thing happened what I pray for is what I would want because otherwise it's worthless I pray that this person that I resent gets what I would want to get. Otherwise, it's not valuable. And as I'm doing this, I'm sitting on my... I'm praying... Johnny and Peter... No, I didn't do it like that, but it felt like that. And I remember thinking, I would like some of that stuff that I'm trying to pray for all these other people. That's a clear thought. I would wants some of them. and I usually don't hear voices really, I don't but that moment I did as clear as a bell from the back of my head or somewhere else a voice said to me you will get it when you pray it for others that gave me chills it absolutely floored me I don' t know who said it what said it, how it came I did not imagine it it was absolutely as clear as a bell as loud as daylight so I do it and the voice was right I have found that if I pray for others especially those that I resent and I pray for them to get what I would like to receive that my life gets better it's like a visualization process it's as if I visualize that those that I don't like I may like because they get what I want I don' t know what it is I just know it works so the searching and fearless moral inventory of myself is the first step in the program where I had to look at myself and learn to understand that I am not a victim of what's happened to me. I am NOT the victim of my life, I am the cause of my life in everything absolutely unequivocally without exception. There is nothing that happens to me that I AM NOT the cause OF. Even though it may sound unfair or unrealistic or whatever, it doesn't matter. Everything that happens to me, I cause. Even if it's done by somebody else at random. I walk across the street, somebody hits me with a car and breaks my leg. I caused it. Why? Because if I do not take responsibility for what happens to me I can't fix it. So I caused it. I'm the one that caused the street. I am the one who didn't see him or maybe did see him. It doesn't really matter. I caused It is a harsh attitude to have because it takes away all excuses. There are no excuses left with that attitude. I cannot blame anybody else, much as I would like to. But I can't, nor can I afford to. If I believe that my life is in my hands and that I can change my future, which is I believe that I believe, that my future is the creation of my thoughts. it starts here and it ends up here everything in between is caused by here I'm watching you guys you're watching me where is this happening? here? no it's happening here nowhere else just like with you it's not out there we happen to share the same room we happento share the same space we happeno to sharethe same wavelength whatever you want to call it so we can share with each other what goes on. But where is this happening? Inside of me. So if it is happening inside of me, and the serenity prayer says that I'm the only one that can change me, that tells me that there is somewhere a power that I can find and tap into that allows me to change my future. That's why I say everything that happens to me, there is no excuse. It is my fault. It is My cause. Fault may be the wrong word. It is my doing. It is My Doing. There are things that are happening to me in my life right now that I do not like. I would love to blame somebody else, but I can't. It's My Doing, why? Because if it weren't My Doing it wouldn't be happening to Me. Very simple. It's my doing, even though the guy who did it may have been dishonest, he may have being a predator, you may have done some things that are not allowed it doesn't matter the common denominator was I was there I'm always there so that's a powerful principle and it all starts with the fourth step it starts with the idea that if I can change the way I look at things my world will change this is a simple approach I change the way I deal with you you will change the day the way you deal with me I have a different experience. That's it. My thought is to create something. It starts with a thought. I put it into action. Next day, next year, five years later, it doesn't matter. There it is. Where did it start? Where is it happening? Right here. I'm in charge of this. I have the power to do something with it. I have to create my life the way I want to. Now why is this? If that sounds so great, which I believe it does sound great and I believe in it, how come none of us are really that capable of doing it or some are better than others because it starts with the three preparatory steps the honesty to understand where I'm at the willingness to understand that I may not have all the answers the faith that there may be a process that I can trust that can change the way I look at things and change the ways I do things and then the work starts And number four is just the beginning of a longer and much deeper process that we'll get into later. But I believe that people innately know and feel what's involved with this. This is why people go out. We were driving here, there was five of us. We were talking about friends of ours that are MIA. They go to meetings, they go back out. And what happens, they can't find their way back in. And this is my fear. My fear is that one day I'll wake up and I'm out. I chose to use or drink again. I dream about stuff like that. And my fear is, is that I will lose my vigilance. For somehow, someway, back 25 years ago, the stars aligned in the right way with the moon and the sun and Saturn was there whatever, the stars aligned in the right way and saw it fit for me to find sobriety and I think that that moment is not given to me at any point in time it was given to be right there and then and I hold on to it because I see what happens to people that don't they end up in a time warp the time warp where they come back month after month, three months, four months five months, go back out, one month two months, three weeks, out on and on and all of a sudden ten years have passed that's the time war God I got 25 years clean and sober when I know the people that were clean and sore when I sobered up and they got six months on and off so I'm holding I'm on this boat you go through the ocean and there's waves and I hold on to the railing and I look out and it's a great trip and sunset and sun up and it is beautiful and sometimes it feels that the sea is so calm I can let go and I sway with the wind and it' s beautiful life is great and I never saw that rogue wave coming I never see I never seen it coming and it just swept me off the deck so I hold one I go to meetings I have a sponsor I do the steps part of my fellowship and I meditate the five magic things that I do on a daily basis so that today I will stay clean and sober so that today I can put into action what the fourth step says which is if I look inside myself and find my fault inside of me then I can change that fault and if I can change that fault or at least do something different there's a simple rule that says You do something different, something different will happen. The wrong thing is not doing anything. And when I do something different, it will tell me whether it's the right thing or not. It will automatically tell me. So I do this fourth step and within this fourth steps I find things that have happened to me before and how I react to the world. I find inside of me how things have come to me and how I react specifically to specific things in such a way and by looking at it and by analyzing it, I now have the incredible capability of seeing something happening and knowing it's trouble. So stay away. It doesn't happen all the time. It happens a lot of the time that I can see something and I know how I'm going to react. So I don't. somebody my parents died in 2002 they were killed in a car accident and I was pissed off I went to Holland I went to the funeral and I was upset and sad and done and pissed off I came back and I'm on 95 and I had this truck that went real fast and I mean the HOV lane is here and I am right here and there is a car in front of me and Iam just driving minding my own business and this little Honda comes next to me shitty little car and I know what he's going to do. I know it's going to do he is going to cut me off and get in front of I know it and sure enough he did that was it I exploded I got on his ass got in front of him this is 95 near Davy where the Davy exodus going side there's like six lanes I caught him up from lane six all the way until he was standing still right there with the Davie exodus There's this wine. He was standing still. And I got out of my car. I got a set out of my car and I walked to his car and was going to break all his windows. And all I could see was his headlights and his eyes. They were the same size. And he looks at me like this and he backs up. Boom! And I made him go to Dania, which is good enough. So I'm standing there on the side of the road. And this is 2002. I have 14 years of sobriety, something like that, whatever. I mean, I've been around. And instead of thinking, what am I doing? What am I going to do? What am i doing? You know, I mean... All he did was cut me off. That's all. Yes, he didn't know who he was dealing with. I grant him that. Do you know who I am? You know, that kind of bullshit. But all he did was cut me off. And I risked going to jail for it. My voice told me, kill him. And guess what? Had I done something stupid and had the cops shown up and had I gone to jail, that same voice would have said, you stupid. You stupid son of a bitch. How could you? that's when I learned to not really trust that voice because it's not on my side but I learned that if I don't deal with what happens to me it deals with me that's what happened that day I learned that I got hurt hey, my parents died of course I got heard but I didn't cry about it I didn'y talk about it I didn''t do anything with it I went to the funeral and went home and all that anger all that all that feelings this poor guy was the end result of it so today somebody cuts me off I actually do I do this I say I hope he makes it home safe because what am I going to do with the anger where am I going to go with it nowhere it just sits inside of me you know people talk about resentment it's the same way as peeing down your leg I'm the only one that's bothered by it nobody else is so I say stuff like that and there's other things that happen when they happen that I say quick prayers quickly so that I don't have to live with the anger because the anger is an emotion that will create an attitude that will make me run this guy off the road and take out all the glass out of his car all the windows. Why? Because he made me feel a certain way. Think about this for a second. He made me feel a second way. Who's feeling it? I am. Who made me feel that way? Was it he or was it I? I made myself feel a sudden way and I gave in to it and I had a bad attitude and I have bad behavior and by the grace of God got away. Because I would have done something stupid, which would have gotten an even worse attitude, worse emotion, etc., etc. So the fourth step within the safety of what we do, within the security of this AA, of this system where we've been given the freedom to deal with ourselves the way we see fit, as long as we adhere to the AA principles, and we are not affiliated with any other body. Within that framework, we can try to find our own truth for one simple reason. It's to stop the life we used to live, to stop the problems we used to have, to stuff the mayhem that happened, to stuff the anger that always came up, to stuffed the fear that I'm plagued to stop all those things. And I have found so far, after all the treatment facilities that I've been in, that this is the only thing that has worked for me. That's good enough for me... AA groups are self-regulating according to certain principles, which I take as part of the steps. Much like we are self-managing alcoholics that work alone with other alcoholics so that we can be in these groups according to the steps, that's how the fourth tradition fits in with the fourth step. The fourth tradition creates a principle and it takes the group on its own as part of the whole just like we on our own as part of this group find somebody that we can sit down with and deal and share our life with and then come back to the group step four apart from dealing with resentments it deals with desires it deals with desires that have not been met it deals with desires that have not been gratified it deals with desires that we have not been able to look at or we have not been able to get what we wanted and if we do not get what we feel we deserve then we will try to find it one way or the other I try to do it with the use of alcohol with the using drugs but it has to do with what I want in life and the things that I want the the background of all serious emotional problems is misdirected desire. The background of a resentment is not getting what I want, whatever it may be. And it affected a certain part of my personality, whatever that part may be One thing that was my biggest problem is that I did not get what I wanted right now. I wanted what I needed right now I didn't want to wait for it I didn'y want to have to work for it my attitude was I deserve what I want right now so if I'm not going to get it I'm going to take it and of course that behavior creates problems so the fourth step where we do a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves is really an investigation of where and how our desires became misdirected. Our resentments are misdirecting desires. We did not get what we want, nor were we taught, at least I was not taught, how to go after what I wanted. Nobody sat down with me and said these are the rules of life. This is how you deal with anger. This is why you don't want to This is where you deal with disappointment. This is when a girl breaks up with you. This is how you deal when a loved one dies. This is how you do things, this is how we deal with life. Nobody did, and I'm quite sure the same thing happened with all of you. Nobody sat down and taught us how to live this life. So we came in it trying to find by whatever means what could make me feel better. I did not know that what I felt inside of me was not a good feeling because I had nothing to compare it to. What I did know was when the day I found a magic substance that I felt good. And it was, really? It's like this? I can change the way I feel in a split second? I'm in love. And I was. I was in love with what it did for me. It was immediate. A love affair that became a hate affair after a long time so when we do the four step and we look what my part in my resentment is I will find automatically what my misdirected desire was what is it that I did not get fulfilled and when that happens I'm on the road to change I haven't in the fourth step we just look at it it is in the fifth step let me share it with somebody else which is an entirely different process the fourth step is scary, the fifth step is scarier I'm out of time thank you very much it was an honor Thank you very much.