Making and Receiving Amends – And Julie – Stay Sober for Keeps Workshop – Part 2 of 2 – Audrey B.

not because i'm not even clear on what this amends is all about you're just telling me you're here to make amends because you're selfish dishonest in our relationship okay not clear on that but now i know you don't like me i mean really that's what you're telling me um and so i sat there bewildered while she was making the amends and because i was just kind of dumbfounded because i thought we were good um i said no no no you're fine i don't i don't need anything. I thought we were okay. She walked away. I walked away, I felt horrible because the thing is, is I have to remember anybody making amends to me. I should know why they're making a mess. They're making amens to get connected to God. That's the driving force. It has nothing to do with me. And as a member of Alcoholics Anonymous, I should be receptive however it comes, whether I think it's right or whether I think it is wrong. I can't judge that person. So I was able to go back to her and say, listen, babe, I am so sorry I wasn't receptive to your amends and I so apologize and I have so regret the way. I don't want to take, I don' t want to get in between you and God. Please forgive me. And it was all groovy. I have also been on the other hand where I have made amends to somebody in the fellowship. And I told him exactly why I was making amends and he proceeded to tell me that he didn't think I was sincere in making this amends. And so, I initially walked away very hurt and he said, I wish you hadn't have made amends to me. Because when I said, what can I do to make it right? He goes, I Wish You Hadn't Have Made Amends To Me. I walked off very hurt. I called my sponsor and I said, I don't. And he said, don't worry about it. He'll have a sponsor to talk to. Um, I said okay. The thing is, is when I went home that night and did my nightly review and got, got home and sat with God, I felt closer to God. I did what I needed to do. Sometimes we're going to be thrown out of an office. Sometimes we're going to be hugged. It's never going to look like what we think it's going to look like, and sometimes we shortchange God, right? I'll never forget the next time I was going through the steps with Cliff, and I had gone to the treatment center that I'd gone through to do their little Sunday thing to whatever. I'd pick up a chip or And so I'm sitting there one night, and I had to make my amends list. And on my first amends lift, I did not put this old boyfriend down. And I have old boyfriends that I treated so shockingly. Surprise. But I sat there, andI had this little conversation with God, and I'm like, okay, I am so never going to see him again. That's exactly how I said it. I am still never goingto see himagain, God, but I'll tell you what. I will put him down. Like, I'm doing God a favor, right? I mean, that's seriously how I... I will do God a favour. I will just put him down and if you think it's appropriate, whatever. And I wrote him down because I'm willing to do it. The next day, I go up to the hill and I do my little thing and I look in the back of the room and there he is. And I haven't seen him in ten years. See, I'm unwilling and God shows up. As long as I'm willing and I was able to make amends. My other point to this is that your sponsor is not always going to be there on the fly. There's no cell reception there. I can't get a whole month's sponsor and go, oh my God, I've got to make an amends right now. So I prayed. I did it in front of his wife because she was married. I felt like that was the appropriate thing not to cause any jealousy with her and I did het in front of her and I just vaguely said how I harmed him and we're good. The thing is, I think we always have a vision of what it's supposed to look like and we always having an expectation of what its supposed to looks like and then once we're done it's never that and once we get home and have that quiet time with God we feel even more walking hand in hand with Him. That's the cool part of that. All right, guys. I know we're back and I know it's a long day and I so appreciate y'all hanging in there. You don't even know. I swear. And I keep saying thank God for these comfy chairs. If y'ALL haven't been in an all-day workshop on those hard chairs, I mean this is like going in – this is Hollywood style right here. Definitely, definitely. So thanks so much for coming back and hanging in There With Us. We'll be wrapping it up here shortly. We're about to get to the good stuff. We have just gotten to the logistics. We went through the logistics of what the program is really all about and how we get through it and how he gets over and what we do, and now we're about really get to that fun stuff. And I'm about to start talking about Step 10, and this is where you will see me come out of my seat. You already see me just – I love Step 10. I call it the power step Because in step 10, amazing things start happening. And we just don't even know it. If you look, and let's go there. And we're coming off of those promises, and the thing is they're coming true, and we're not even recognizing it, you know? And we'RE getting everything that we were searching for in the bottle, we'RE GETTING IT OUT OF THE STEPS. And I'M LOOKING AT THOSE STEPS ON THE WALLS for years and years and years sitting in the meeting, and I'm looking at those steps on the wall thinking, and I am hearing people read those promises and hearing them, and I don't know what y'all are talking about. Right? It is foreign language to me. And the next thing I know, I come in here and actually have somebody work the steps with me and go through this with me, and these things start happening. And everything I was searching for in that bottle, I am now getting out of the steps. Yeah, I mean it's the coolest. And we just thought we were going to get sober. So here's the thing. It says we have entered the world of the Spirit. At step 10, isn't that our goal? To stand in the sunlight of the spirit? To walk hand in hand with the spirit of the universe? At this point, that's where we are. We're walking hand inhand with the Spirit of the world. We're standing in the spotlight. We went from this bitter morass of self-pity, The gloom and the darkness and the lack of power was our dilemma. And guess what? By step 10, we're in the power. We've got it. We're in this sunlight. How cool is that? Think about it. It's warm. Our next function, oh, but it doesn't stop there, right? It doesn't say you get to rest, honey. Our next function is to grow in understanding and effectiveness. Remember when I talked about in step seven how we're going to make mistakes and we're gonna have successes and through these successes and failures, we will grow in understand why for us? No, to be more effective for the new woman or man that walks through the door. because my job is to fit myself and that's what that ninth step did is to help me fit myself to be of maximum service to God and the people about me. It's not an overnight matter and it's going to continue for my lifetime so guess what? You're stuck with me. Whether you like me or not, you're stuckwithme. Here's some directions that we're going to get. See, the directions don't stop because we finished our fourth step. There's not just directions in the fourth step, we also have directions in The Tenth Step. You want to know how to stay in the sunlight of the Spirit? It's going to tell us. Continue to watch for selfishness, dishonesty, resentment and fear. That's all that fourth step stuff, right? So we're going to continue to watch For It. Why? Because it's going come. We got sober. We didn't get good. Maybe you did. I didn't. Ask my sponsor. When these crop up, because they will. When these prop up, we ask God at once to remove them. All right. So what does that say? What does that sound like? Six and seven? Right? So when it crops up, I'm going to say, hey, God, will you please remove this fear? Direct my attention to what you would have me be. I do not have to say that out loud and look like a crazy woman. I can say it silently and to myself, and I'm going to give you a little synopsis of what that will look like. We discuss them with someone immediately. Step five, discussing ourselves and make amends quickly if we've harmed anyone. Step nine, then we resolutely turn our thoughts to someone we can help. Step 12, love and tolerance of others is our code. Isn't that the principle that we've been talking about and discussing through this whole time. What that looks like is, remember when I was talking about in that third step of sitting in a meeting and Audrey looks at me wrong and the next thing I know I get... All that stuff starts popping in my head like I'm replaying everything I've said and I'm thinking, okay, just because I get sober doesn't mean that's going to go away. The book talks about how we can be sensitive And that sensitivity is a handicap, but we're sensitive people. Okay, so just because I get sober doesn't mean I'm going to get right with everyone. I can still have my feelings hurt. It may be self-delusion. Remember how it talks about resentment? Fancied or real has the power to kill. That's in sobriety. you don't know what a resentment is until you've had a resentment in sobriety when I said well I'll show him oh that's a reason right so I'm sitting there Audrey looks at me I think she looks at my face she looks me wrong now I have a new set of directions a new way of living So it will take care of the moment, right? So the urge to drink will not come back. That insanity will not return and I will not drink again. And I can sit quietly because now I can recognize that fear. Now I can say to myself, not everybody else around me in the meeting, God, please remove the fear. Direct my attention to what you would have me be. Right? Sometimes, like Audrey said, be quiet. don't say anything there's no need for me to go to Audrey and say hey baby what's wrong with you why are you looking at me like that don't we always want to do that fix it we want to be fixers I'll never forget um um a friend of mine at my group I was complaining about my husband and I was like oh you just I don't know what to do I didn't know what to do. And he looked at me and he's like, Julie, do nothing. You always want to fix it. I'm like, huh? That was like a new thought, right? Go home and do nothing? But that's what I can do. I can absolutely do nothing except when I walk out of that meeting, who do I call? My sponsor. I am not calling Kimberly, right. I m not going to start any drama. I am not going to be a creator of drama today. I am going to do my best to be a creator of harmony. How do I do that? Keep my mouth shut. Call my sponsor. Oh my gosh, I have done this. The reason I use this example because it has happened to me. I didn't just get it out of my pocket. i remember calling my sponsor and i'm like oh my god i know this is so stupid but this guy looked at me wrong in a meeting and i feel judged and i feel this and i feels that right did i have to tell anybody else did i gossip did i tell anybody what i thought of him But I told my sponsor and my sponsor said, after he chewed me, it does not matter what they think of you. It is your job to love them. Who can you help? Right? I didn't have to make an amend because I didn' t harm anyone. And see, we trivialize the small stuff. We are real good about 10th stepping on the big stuff. Right? I'm real good about that. But it's when I get those small little things that I think bug me, and I just want to set it aside and think, not a big deal. They don't need to know about that, I don't have to bother them. Isn't that pride? All it is is pride. It's pride keeping me from doing that, because it's saying that I can handle it, all of a sudden the big S goes on the chest, and I think I'm better than that, and I think I can handle this situation and I thing I can wish it away and I'm going to deal with this and guess what happens that gets attached to this one and the next thing I know I'm too good for all of you the next things I know I'm really judging you the next thign I know all of your are whack and the nest thing I now I leave and I am drunk again because I am driven by selfishness and self-centeredness and I am full of fear down to the core and this stuff will kill me and one resentment will cut me off from the sunlight of the spirit. It will, whether you believe it or not. So when I practice this because that's what it takes is practice, practice, practise and if you get perfect at it will you please call me and let me know how you do that i still get yelled at for not being good at it i mean i'm just not i i i wish i were better but we can you know i still i'm like i'll still sometimes i'll still i'll just be like you know what no i'm mad at my husband and i want to be mad my husband gets most of it he gets all the grunt he gets a little bit i'm going to be a little grumpy i'm not calling clip yet i'll talk to audrey i'm not. I'm not calling Clip yet. And my husband will finally say, have you talked to your sponsor? Fine. And I'll call. But how long do I want to sit? The thing is that who wants to be free? Me? Because see, it's not bothering my sponsor if I call or not. He could care less. He'd love for me to do it. He loves me. He cares about my sobriety. But it's not hurting him, who is it hurting? Me. If I don't call, what is that about? Pride. It's all about my pride, my ego. Does that make sense? Alright, so when we actually work this step as it's laid out, I think there's a lot of misunderstanding around this because I go to some meetings and I hear tent set meetings and they're all talking about how they do their 10th step at night. And I don't think that's what they're saying here in the book. I think what they are saying is that, um, I think when they say at once, like when it crops up at once we need to ask God to remove it and then to discuss it with someone And immediately means like then, and it doesn't say, will you please write your 10th step at night? I don't see that in here. If y'all see it, let me know. So I think there's a lot of misunderstanding around that. I don'T know about y'ALL, but I really, I joke about not doing a 10th set, But I'm willing to do what it takes to stay sober today and to live in the sunlight of the Spirit. And to do that, I must do this when the book suggests it. Now if I want to wait and get a little ucky, I can by all means. It's my sobriety. but in all honesty the more that I have practiced this the longer I have practices I have learned that you know what I don't really today I don t care what my sponsor thinks because it s my sobriety and so I ll pick up the phone and I ll tell him anything because it is my sobpriety and in all honesty that s all he wanted me to do in the first place it just took me a little longer to learn that because I m stubborn aren't we all when we do this here's the coolest thing here are the coolest promise we have ceased fighting anything or anyone even alcohol for by this time sanity will have returned oh my gosh you mean i don't have to just avoid alcohol i don'T HAVE TO AVOID PEOPLE Like, I don't have to be afraid of you and I don' t have to be afraid of alcohol. You know? I mean, I'm not avoiding anything. How cool is that? I cease fighting anything. I cease fighting anyone. I love how my sponsor talks to me all the time. He's like, Julie, I hate to break your bubble. Not everybody likes you. Like, don't hurt my feelings. I mean, aren't we always trying to set ourselves up to be liked by everyone? Not today. You know, you're going to like me or you're not. And I can't make you feel a certain way. And I have learned that. You're goingto like what I have to say or youre not. It just is what it is. So, I don't have to fight that. I don' t have to find what you think about me anymore. That's the coolest. That's freedom. That is true freedom when we get to walk that way. Santa T is going to return. There's our step two promise. So at this point, this is where that step two promise comes into play. So at step two, I don't have to be, it's crazy. These steps are so simple and we want to just complex them because in step two we're always looking for the answer. We're always waiting for the Santa T to be returned there. We're expecting something. But it's the action that we take that gets the results, right? So at step 10, this is where sanity is returned. Why? This is where I can differentiate the truth from the false. This is when I get tempted because I will get tempted. Because I am an alcoholic, right, and that is what I have known for a long time. and there is a time I'll never forget I'm pretty newly sober and going back to a vacation spot that we went to for years and years and all I did was drink right I'd go around the river with my kids in my inner tube and that's all we did and I remember being there and I remembered calling Cliff and my comment to him was I'm watching others drinking with impunity and he said go to a meeting. So I did. I went to a meeting. It happened to be a birthday meeting. There was another new kid, that new young guy that sat next to me and nobody introduced themselves to us. I'd never been to this group. No one came up and said hi to us so I started talking to him. The next thing I know it's his first meeting and it's some birthday meeting and I can tell there's nothing no... I said hey let's go sit in the kitchen. I take him. We go sit in the kitchen. I open my big book with him I walk away free sanity returns again and see we're going to be tempted but the cool thing is that today I know my truth around alcohol today I know when I drink I will get drunk there is no other result there is not there is now great effect that will come from it I will be drunk period we will react sanely and normally i used to i used to sit in meetings and um god guys all i wanted to do is be normal that's all i want i just wanted to be normal my whole life i wanted to be normal i remember saying that and then i remember hearing in these meetings well normal is just a setting on a dishwasher How pathetic. How sad. What hope is that? You're going to tell me that I just get to be a setting on a dishwasher? Guess what? Open your book. Because that's not what the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous says. It says, I will react sanely and normally. And I will find that this will happen automatically. The only effort it takes is for me to follow a few simple rules. The steps. I do this. I get connected to the power. The power relieves that mental obsession. I walk free. That's what that looks like. That's wat that normalcy looks like I am not dodging the beer signs, which I used to do because I'm telling you what, I love Coors Light and those hot chicks that used to promote it, they look good and I'd be like, no, don't look, don' t look. I don't have to do that today the other thing is I don't have to swear it off I don' t have to wake up and say you know what today we're not drinking, today we' re not drinking today we are not because we got a chip coming up we're going to get that chip I live by chips that's not what we do today we walk free we don't even think about it We wake up and we say, oh my gosh, good morning God. What's the plan? What you got for me? We find that this happened automatically. This is our experience. This is OUR experience. Not just theirs. But you look around this room and there are tons of people that have that same experience. We're not fighting it. Avoiding it. That's why we're not cocky either. Because you know what? We fought it and we avoided it for years and years and it didn't work. And we come in here and work some steps. I remember looking at you going, I've seen Dr. Phil. If Dr. Bill can't fix you, nobody can. That's my thinking. How are those steps going to fix me? Like, how are those steps on hanging on a wall? And that's like, well, you've got to take them off the wall, Julie. Telling me what to do. How dare them! This is how we react. this is how we react so long as we keep and fit spiritual condition it's amazing to me how long it took me to learn that I didn't have to fight alcohol and that this wasn't a program of fighting it that this was a program of working steps and a program of action. I heard this was a program of action over and over. I heard that, but that's all I heard. A lot of it was around a bunch of fluff like keep coming back. It'll work if you work it. You know, I can't tell you how many little slogans I heard, but nobody ever said, Julie, what the hell are you doing? Why don't you shut up? Why don't you sit down? I didn't have that. I don't know why that wasn't in my experience. I talked to another lady here, and she came in the program, and she got hooked on a sponsor and got through the steps and actually got, and I'm like, oh, my gosh, that is the coolest. And then I was telling her my experience, and she's like, Oh, my God, that really happens? I'm Like, Yes, that happens. I mean, that happens more than what you got. Especially, and I'm going to say especially with women. And we need women. We need women that are willing to say, you know what? Shut up. You haven't worked the steps. You don't have anything to say. I don't want what you have. And if you want what I have, you better be willing to work some steps. If you're not, there's the door. Don't waste our seat. Don't wait for me. Don't just waste your time. That's what we've got to be willing to say. Otherwise, we're going to go about it every other way and try to get the same result that we're getting in this step any other way but this. Because this is just going to lead us into the next step, and then the next steps which is even harder to commit to. See, each step is following it up with another commitment and another commitment and another commission and this is for our lifetime. What do you get or not get about lifetime? Not 30 days. Not 60 days. Not one day. Lifetime. Is it easy to let up on the spiritual program of action? Says so. as it is why because we start what we start getting stuff back we start you know I see it all the time I see it all of the time. I get to work at a little treatment center and I get to be there for the alumni that come home and I and I get to do lectures there and stuff and I see these guys come home and they're so alright yeah I'm ready right and they all they're all fired up and they've got a bunch of knowledge and they understand their problem they've started working the steps and they're like yes Julie I'm committed and then where are you right and all of a sudden they start dropping like flies they're gone where'd they go where's that commitment where'sthat desperation you had when you came in where's that willingness i'll never forget oh well i should wait until the next because it's a good example never mind just i'll remind you okay it's easy to do that then we're headed for trouble if we do because alcoholism is cunning baffling and it's powerful absolutely and it is waiting it's lying and waiting and the deal is is that every day is a day when we must carry God's vision into all of our activities what part of that do we not get I don't know there's days when I'm like I don' t want to not today oh shit I took a third step and I'll call my sponsor and the first thing he'll say is do you want to take that third step back no i don't the reason i don'T want to take that third step back is because i DON'T want to drink again i DONT want to drink AGAIN because i donT want to run my own life AGAIN i DON T want to run my own LIFE AGAIN, because i dont want to HURT others AGAIN it's a cycle and so every day is a day when i must carry the vision of God's will into all my activities. There's a great 10-step prayer. There's so many great prayers in this book. It's unbelievable that the man who wrote this book just had a problem with God. I'm like, really? You came up with that? And I thought I was smart. How cool is this? We can exercise our willpower along this line all we wish it is the proper use of the will so at this point my will is now aligning with god's will oh my gosh never thought that would happen never thought that would happened and now we're walking truly hand in hand i always i do this little thing when when i'm at places and we talk about um when we first come in here and the internal condition and how it's kicking our hiney and it looks like that black hole. I call it my rat wheel that's going off, right? And it's just going and going and it won't shut up and my head is just racing and racing and it wont quiet and so my solution has always been booze and it works for a minute and then I'm drunk and then I've got this power over here because you told me that lack of power is my dilemma and I'm going to have to get to this power and I am like well shoot okay but I don't have access to that power because it's mucked up. Like if you can think of it as a channel and it's just dirty, right? And corroded. And so with each step I take, this power is starting to connect to me. I'm connecting to this power. Well, at this point, it's telling me that my will is now aligned with his will. I'm standing in the sunlight of the spirit. So I have now tapped into the power. The power has tapped into me and given me the power to recover. So at this point, I am recovered. I am sane. How cool is that? Given me the Power to Recover and to Help Others. And so then we're going to go on and learn what that looks like because I'm going to have to get quiet with God so that my prayers aren't anymore, hey God, here's the plan, bless it. We're going to change that. I love that you freely admit that. That's how you prayed. Alright, so let's talk about step 11. One thing that I hear questioned a whole lot looking at amends in step 10 is do I have to finish all of my amends before I can do step 10? And that's kind of a common misconception that we hear a lot of times and the answer is absolutely not. Absolutely not. Now, in that paragraph talking about step 10, it says that I'm going to continue to take personal inventory and continue to set right any new mistakes. Here's the kicker. As we go along, as I'm Going Through the Process of Making Amends, I make one amend, I need to be doing step 10. Because in the process of life and living, I'm stepping on toes. And I'm making mistakes and I'm messing up because that's living. And so step 10 is what keeps me current. right um i'm certainly maintaining my sobriety in step 10 11 and 12 but this is the point in which i'm going to grow spiritually and that's really kind of the aim of what it is that we're doing how do i stay free of old ideas 10 and 11 work as a combination to do that but i can assure you this you don't do step 10 step 11 is ineffective you don' t think it does it doesn't feel like it is but i assure you that it is and here's what i mean by that julie alluded to this earlier when she said it takes one resentment to shut me off one fear one interaction with another human being where i feel weird about it and all of a sudden i'm start i'm i'm shut off and when i get shut off the only voice i can hear is my own and my voice sounds like y'all are wrong didn't matter what the situation is what i said or thought or did was right and you what you did was wrong and so it's really important for me to stay on top of what the word promptly means because i can wait till thursday and i've been known to do that from time to time and i suffered terribly for it and julie says stop waiting stop waiting and here's the truth it's selfish of me to wait do you know why sorry about the fact that it makes me feel bad because i'm ineffective with other people my protégés are calling up they've got stuff going on i can't see straight because i am still stuck in me so how selfish of not to do a tenth step i didn't know that for a long time. And it got revealed to me. Some of the biggest things I've ever learned, I'm telling you, I've had some phenomenal teachers, great people in my lineage, great friends in recovery. I've learned a lot of lessons. I'VE HEARD A LOT OF LECTURES. READ A LOT Of BOOKS. LISTEN TO JOE AND CHARLIE AND THEY ARE JUST THE END ALL BE ALL TO ME. BUT I'M TELLING YOU, I'VE NEVER LEARNED SO MANY LESSONS THAN IN DOING PRAYER AND MEDITATION. you want to get taught something shut your mouth watch your creator creep up on you spirit to spirit and start connecting I'm telling you there's nothing like it Julie's phenomenal but the lessons I've learned directly from God surpass anything I've ever heard the gentle urgings of my creator Audrey stay over here Audrey don't say that Audrey reach out to that man he's alone no person will ever be able to teach me that or to tell me that You know, so you want to do 11 effectively. Stay on top of that 10th step. It's an easy way to get shut off. So it says, much has already been said about receiving strength, inspiration, and direction from him who has all knowledge and power. Underline that right there. We miss it. All knowledge and Power. You know sponsors are phenomenal. Friends in recovery are great. They don't have all knowledge in Power. And neither does your mama. Don't try the 10th Step with your mom. Just FYI. Just a side note. You want to feel better about something, you want to be right, justified in it, call your mother. When you hear the truth, go to God. So it talks about developing a vital sixth sense. But it says that we have got to go further and that means more action. Because if I stay, like Julie said, I'm a huge fan of being visual, looking at it as a channel between you and God, kind of like a pipeline. And once in four through nine, the corrosion starts getting cleaned out. Well, life starts happening and stuff gets stuck back in there. Step 10 continues to clean it out, right? So that the connection is going there and it's coming back. And if you think about it, everybody thinks that step 11 is this really hard thing that you've got to really, really work towards. It's really not. Any relationship, everybody in this room has been in a relationship, even if it's with your family members or with your close friends, a relationship takes communication. I've gotto talk and I've gotta listen. I've GOTTA PARTICIPATE. It's not about a feeling. I love God. But am I participating with God today or am I not? And that's what I've got to look at. It says it suggests prayer and meditation. We are some praying people. How many times have you prayed loaded? Oh my God, I can't even tell you. I used to sit on the toilet and pray and sing praise songs and try to get healed and it never quite worked. But what I couldn't do was meditate because I couldn'T shut my mouth long enough to hear. I'm rattling off a list of things that I want. That's not prayer. That's about making a list. It says we shouldn't be shy on this matter of prayer. Immediately what comes to mind in prayer meditation is what does it mean to meditate? What does that look like? Let me assure you, if you can worry, you can meditate. You really can. It's that simple. You get on something and stay on it. Just like you do when you worry. Oh my God, should I have said that? Should I have not done that? Should I not have been over here? You get obsessive on that. It's the same thing in meditation. I know that's a silly analogy, but it's true. You know, if you don't know how to meditate, just try it. Start with something simple. Right? You don't have to meditate to start. It's 12 minutes every morning. That's not in the big book. Right? You must be on your knees in a lotus position. No. You must have outside spiritual books. No. But if you want to add them, cool. Right? There's no stop restricting it. It's when you get restrictive that you get frightened. and their relationship begins to wither because you think it's got to be just so. It really doesn't. It really don't. Prayer and meditation. So it says they're going to make some definite and valuable suggestions. So when people say they're doing their 10th step at night, what they're really doing is a nightly review, which is step 11. But we just get a little confused. So it's talking about retiring at night and constructively reviewing the day. So briefly what we're doing is we're making a pass at how well I did step 10 today. Was I on my game watching for stuff or did I miss it? This stuff slips through the cracks. And guys, it does. There's times I look at my nightly review and think, Oh my God, I totally forgot that happened early this morning. I should have done a 10 step. It's time to get on it. It's 11 at night. I certainly don't call this woman. I'm going to jot it down or I'm gonna remember it and handle it the next day. Right? I've been known to leave late night voicemails too. It was a resentful, selfish, dishonest, or afraid. Do I owe an apology? Have I kept something to myself? Was I kind and loving toward all? What could I have done better? Where can I grow in effectiveness and understanding This is not an opportunity to shame myself. It's an opportunity To say you know what I could have been more interested in what she was talking about But I think I was thinking about what I was going to say In that conversation Just as simple as that God for my corrective measures God could you help me be more invested in other people Get more present In the conversations I'm having Stop thinking about me so much You know just as simple Was I packing into this stream of life What could I do for others Let me tell you something You're packing into the stream of life whether you know it or not. And what I mean by that is this. Your demeanor, your disposition, your attitude, you're touching people whether you want to or not The question is, was it positive or was it negative? Were you giving back or were you taking from? You ever been in a car ride with somebody that's pissed? Or in a bad mood? Irritated at their boss and you're like, Oh, I wish you weren't here. You know? They're sucking the life out of you. And they think they were fine because they didn't say anything ugly. No. Where are you? Right? It's like a ripple effect. It is. So it says, I'm not going to drift into worry, remorse, or morbid reflection, which is so hard in early sobriety especially, but I'm still a victim of that today, wanting to beat myself up about the day. It's not time to do that. It won't help me or anybody else. So I'm going to make my review, ask God's forgiveness, and inquire what corrective measures should be taken. You know, and there's times I'm gonna jump on the phone and say, you know, I was reviewing this. This is kind of the corrective measure that's coming to me. I feel like this is the right thing to do. What do you think? Sometimes I bounce that kind of stuff off. Because sometimes self-will wants to make decisions based in guilt. I feel bad. Let me fix it. Let me get my hands on it. You know, and sometimes I don't need to do that. Sometimes I do. Sometimes it's appropriate. But it's also good to involve another person that doesn't have any emotional attachment to it. It talks about on awakening we're going to consider the 24 hours ahead. I love that. I double start it. Consider. And I laugh at myself every morning that I think here's how it's going to go today. Here's what the plan is going to look like. It's never going to look like that. It never does. And if I can get with it, I can avoid disappointment. I can avoiding upsets most of the time. When I can't get with the word consider. I know that I need to be at this workshop today. I know I need a visit with these certain people. I know by the time the night is over there are a couple of tasks I need done. But beyond that, this is God's time. This is His day. Do you guys get that? See, I get sober and all of a sudden it's mine. This is my time. This is not. day no it's not you're not even supposed to be here okay exactly this is like our friends call the bonus round yeah you get to be hier this is going to be about what god has for you in the day um it's in the beginning i'm going to ask god to direct my thinking especially asking it be divorced from self-pity dishonest or self-seeking motive see i would like to tell you that i can think my way out of selfishness i can think my away out of a life driven by fear that's just not the truth that's not fourth dimension stuff it's really not i'm gonna have to ask god to direct that stuff um and then it talks about being able to employ my mental faculties and use my god-given brain on the plane of my will aligning with god's will see god's no dummy he gave us the sanity back first and then he gave Usa proper use of the will not vice versa because we're kind of people that we just plow drive through life trying to make it happen try to make it work now let's get some sanity and some clarity in our life first around alcohol then around people and circumstances and all of a sudden i'm not fighting everybody and everything because i'm doing 10 step stuff now i can start thinking about how to use my will properly like how to help you new concept there's other people on the planet let's interact with them instead I'm just stepping on them, you know. But when I'm going to mess up, that's for sure. But I'm few and far between in comparison to the way it was. It talks about indecision and what to do with that. It says here we ask God for inspiration in bottom 86. An intuitive thought or a decision. I'm not going to struggle. I'm nicht going to fight this. There are times that I ask for inspiration, intuitive thoughts. What would you have me do? How would you had me be in this? And when the answers don't come immediately, that's not time to formulate a plan. It's a time to stay in the pause with that. Other stuff I'm still pausing about today, don't touch it. Leave it alone. Like Julie said, you know, we're always wanting to fix it and make it better. I dare you not to touch it because it's about the hardest thing you can do. It's not having to take action. It's having to not take any action. It's kind of a beating sometimes. But once you start getting the results from doing it, you're, you-know-what, last time I didn't touch anything, God worked it out, and now it's pretty smooth. So I'm going to back up off of it. You know, I sponsored this girl Holly one time. She's the funniest person on the planet. She said, I'm not touching stuff. I'm trying to see what else can I back up off of? Like, you might be on to something. I mean, she was so funny. She's not touching a whole bunch of stuff today. It's pretty cool. This is important on 87. What used to be the hunch or the occasional inspiration gradually becomes a working part of the mind. That sixth sense begins to develop and then I begin to depend upon it, right? When I get the intuition from God, there's very few times that I question that. There's very many times that I go, that's solidified. That's what it was. But early on, I'm fumbling with it. I don't know what I'm doing. I'm asking my sponsor for a lot of direction. Here's what I am hearing in meditation. What does that sound like to you? And a lot times it sounds like, hey, that sounds dead on. Sometimes it's like, I'm pretty sure that's you trying to get your way and try to call it God's will. You know? Cliff always says that, you know, we're doing God's will and he doesn't know about it kind of stuff. It's funny. But I'm telling you, the more you work with it, the more You decide to trust it and to go all in, the more it begins to work, you now? And there's a lot of times people don't understand that. But I am telling you. If you really want to do something cool in sobriety, start trusting your intuition. Start trusting that. Start going out on a limb and taking action around it. And here is what I can promise you. You are going to be misunderstood. People will question what you're doing. They will throw things like logic and reason at you, but when you have been urged by your Creator, you won't care. You won't matter. You'll go all in. You'll push all the chips and go, I understand that this is what God wants me to do, and you'll run with it. It's the coolest thing. This past two years, I've been questioned more by more people. You did what? You moved to where? To work for who? What? I'm telling you, when God shows you a path and you run, You don't care what people think. Anybody interested in that? Right? You left, what? I thought that was a cool... No, it wasn't. I left. Really? Yeah. And you can trust it. You know? It says, nevertheless, our thinking will, as time passes, as time classes, be more and more on the plane of inspiration. We come to rely upon it. So as I take necessary action and I develop this relationship with my higher power, I begin to trust and rely upon Him. Right? That's the coolest stuff. That's like Julie talking about she couldn't get to her sponsor to call him and say, hey, I had no cell service. Should I make this a man? Should I not? You know. You know that's an inner knowing that once it begins to happen, it's kind of like until you have it, it's just words. Until you feel it, it's something very different. And it goes on to talk about praying for others and how to pray. Most of the time we were praying for other people and if they were praying, they'd do what we needed them to do. They would act right. But now it's asking that I ask especially for freedom from self-will. I'm to pray for myself in that manner, to ask especially för fridom från self-wil. And those are the requests that I asked. Can you ask to be a better daughter? A better husband? A stronger sponsor? Sure. If something that you want will benefit others, pray for it. But to make a laundry list of things that you think you need to be happy, haven't we done that already? We already traveled that road, right? Let's not continue to do that. It talks about being quick to see where religious people were right. Most of the time, I see a lot of people in recovery want to make fun of that stuff. Right? It's funny how all these people in the world of religions, no matter what they are, they've got some sanity, some purpose, some soundness of mind, some inner peace, and we mock them. Really? Shouldn't we all be seeking that kind of stuff? I don't care who your God is, who you choose to worship. Are you on a path, a spiritual program? That's what we're looking at. As I go through the day, I pause when agitated or doubtful. If you have some funky color highlighters, get them out. I'm going to show you a secret. That should be the book. The secret should be The Pause. It says as I go Through the Day, I'm Going to Pause When Agitated or Doubtful. More often than not, I remember this when I'm agitated. It took me years to get the doubtful part down. And ask for the right thought or action. Who better to draw closer to than the one that will save you? When you're in a situation and you don't know what to do, pause. That means don't talk. I'm telling you. I remember my dad said to me one time when he was a couple years sober, and he's like, if I could not talk, I would save so much trouble. If I could just stop doing that, I Would be in so much better shape. I can get with that. There was a time when I really honed in on stopping short before the words came flying out of my mouth. It took a long time, and it still doesn't always work. Sometimes they get out without me being able to pause. So it says, I'm going to ask God for the right thought or action, constantly reminding myself I'm no longer running the show. This will make for a much less painful tenth step, I promise you. Humbly saying to myself many times each day, thy will be done. There's my 11-step prayer. We're in much less danger of excitement, fear, anger, worry, self-pity, or foolish decisions. It's kind of like that pendulum, that internal pendulum that swings from side to side to side. Because when I see the word excitement, I think, well, that's not bad. Why would I not want to get excited? Well, what we don't want to do is make decisions based on excitement. You ever walked on a car lot to look and drove off with a new car? Poor decisions based upon excitement. This is what we're talking about. When I get overly anxious and I can't stop and pause and bring God in because although I maybe can afford that car and there's nothing wrong with it, is that what God would have me do? Where am I with relying upon God to show me every single decision? Swinging from excitement to fear to anger to worry to self-pity. Self-imposed crisis. You all know what those are, right? Yeah. Everybody in this room ought to know what self-impose crisis are. It's where I set the ball rolling on something and then look back and go, oh dear Lord. That was me. We've become much more efficient, not tiring so easily because we're not burning up energy foolishly trying to arrange life to suit ourselves. Ever wonder why you got here so tired? You ever get real tired in sobriety? Have a look at page 88 and see where you're falling into that. You ever gets exhausted? It might have something to do with that. right it's it's you know exhausting trying to arrange life to suit yourself it's a big old job there's lots of people to be arranged there's loads of scenarios to fix there's lot of people that you need to sit them down explain what they need to do to make you okay it's exhausting step 11 is about getting out of the way and allowing god to work through me right to be able to sit and listen in the stillness that's the hardest thing that we seem to manage at the time start It's small. It doesn't matter what it looks like. You're on your floor. You're in your bed. You're sitting. You're lying. You're underneath. Whatever. Whatever. God will meet you where you are. Don't let people judge you and make you feel weird about how you pray and meditate. Just do it. You will develop a relationship that they can't touch. They can't talk to you. Oh, you only meditate for 12 minutes? You're clearly not in the advanced class of alcoholic trust. Screw you. You know, I don't care what you think. My relationship with God is so awesome today. You can't touch it, and I hope a year from now it's ten times better, and then the next year it better be better. You can stay stagnant in a relationship with your friends or your family. Why would you stay stagnate with your Creator? You're always moving, always moving. What you got? You know, and i think that's just such an important piece of this because so often everybody wants to compare their prayer and meditation time with somebody else's, and then they feel guilty because it's not this way or they think it should be this way. And I get really tired of that. And I think we need to be real clear that the book suggests that we seek. And it gives us some simple suggestions and prayers to use. Nobody has the right to tell me how to pray. Nobody has a right to define God for me. Nobody in Alcoholics Anonymous has the right to tell me how I must listen and how I must pray. Not even my sponsor. So, I think we've got to really get away from telling people what they have to do. Because see, if I'm telling somebody how they have to do it, how are they going to get a personal relationship with their creator? And this is what it's about. At this point, I better have a personal relationship with this creator or I'm screwed. Because that's why we come to Alcoholics Anonymous. Here's the big secret. That's why мы come to Алкоголикс Анонимус. To get in a relationship with our creator. And at this point we got it. And that's who's relieved this mental obsession so that we don't return to the drink. I'll never forget early in sobriety. And listen, guys, I still, I get up, I mean, I'm as simple today as I say my third step, seventh step, and I go through the eleventh step. I still do that. As monotonous as it sounds to some of you, you know what? It works for me. And that's what works for мне. And it just keeps it simple. And I remember why I'm here. And I Remember What My Job Is. And I Remember What My Jove Isn't. and I'll never forget newly sober and I called Cliff and I had a friend that had relapsed and I was trying to get her sober and I said and I'm like you know real new sober and you think oh my god she relapses I must save her we're all guilty come on and so my sponsor said no you don't and I am like what are you talking about right like you don' t know anything You've only been sober, I don't know, forever, old man. And he said, you shouldn't go see her. He gives me some valuable suggestions because that's what a sponsor is there for. Valuable suggestions. And I said, on page 86, it says, God gave me brains to use. That's exactly what I said to them. he said, well, it sounds like you don't need a sponsor. And I said, well, you might be right because I am so stubborn. I don't know how I've lasted this long. So we hang up the phone and I'm just like a little tornado running everywhere and I finally, I didn't like anything or anyone. You know, we can get like that real quick, right?