Making Amends – BB Study 2 – Part 2 of 2 – David L.

My name is Dave and I'm an alcoholic. I'm going to go ahead and get started. Huh? So we're going to start on page 568. Well, 568 has the six conditions to sobriety. And I don't have those conditions and I don'T have any power so I need to go back there and remind myself what the conditions are and then to ask for some help in getting those conditions because if I can get them into my life and they follow these directions, I can't come out the other side and be the same. And it's necessary for me to change. So he starts off about six lines down and says most emphatically a serious and strong statement with an enhancer. Most emphaticly. We wish to say that any alcoholic capable of honestly so honestly is a conditional word honestly facing his problems so God's not limited to drugs and alcohol the limits are those that I put on God's power honestly facing his problems in the light of our experience thank you can't recover in the face of a disease that has no known cure that's a pretty bold statement I mean if there was a known cure I'd be going to the known cure so there must be some conditions provided is a conditional word does not close his mind to all spiritual concepts. Well, since we're here to apply a spiritual solution to a physical and mental problem it might be important that I be open to what they have to say. The spiritual solution, right? So he says I can only be defeated by an attitude of intolerance which means I don't want to hear what you have to share or belligerent denial. Now I'm mad. Children. We find that no one need have difficulty with the spirituality of the program. Willingness, honesty and open-mindedness are the essentials of recovery but these are indispensable which means they can't be done without. So if I don't have what I need how do I get it? Ask for it. Father help us to be open to all spiritual concepts. Keep from us any attitude of intolerance or belligerent denial. Grant that measure of willingness honesty and often mindedness we need as we seek your truth for the path of those who laid it down before us. use us Father as your instrument to carry your message and not ours Amen so we're dealing with spiritual principles what's the application well spiritual principles are truths of laws that govern the spirit I'm a spiritual being having a human experience which is exactly the problem and the solution, right? So if I'm a spiritual being having a human experience, what is the problem? The humanness. Because I come from the world of the spirit where I have access to all power. And in the human experience I don't have any power. And I go back to that which is natural. It's innate. I naturally have all power in the world or the spirit and I don' t have any here. that's the problem and so the book is laid out in this program it's laid out in a specific fashion problem solution have to correctly identify the problem then I can correctly identify the solution from that solution I develop a practical program of action to apply the solution to the problem problem solved but I have to correctly identify the problem make sense ok so um The world of the Spirit is equal, absolutely. What do we mean by that? You can't lie to yourself and God. Hmm. Okay. Or man. Or tribe. Yeah. And who pays the price? I do. God doesn't. Right? How do I know that? Mound of experience. Mound. Mound mounds of experience? Well, wow. Okay. I mean, there's a lot still. so this program deals in principles it deals in principles and generally speaking what I do with the little is what I do with the lot I mean I have to take that principle and apply it across the board isn't that a principle? It doesn't matter who drops this, it's going to fall, gravity is a principle it doesn't matter who does it it's going to apply the same. Make sense? Okay. So we have gone one through seven in the book study. Right? But is that the solution? No. The book says there is a solution and it's four through nine. Right? And so by this time in our step work, Four and five are pretty profound, but the solution is four through nine. And he spends most of the work in four and five on resentments, right? And I know that most people in Alcoholics Anonymous don't make amends for resentments. They don't understand how they're harmed. We've had some pretty good sessions that illustrated that here, right. Is there a precedent for making amends for resentments? I'm glad you asked. So I have a write-up on Frank Indy Bookman. Anybody know who he was? Founder of the Oxford Groups. And Frank Bookman, he was running YMCA in Philadelphia. And they wouldn't give him the money that he thought he needed and he got a resentment and he quit. and so he ends up in England right and he went to go see an F.B. Meyer at a spiritual convention over there and couldn't get in to see that guy but he ended up in a lecture by Jesse Penn Lewis and her lecture that day was on the stations of the cross which tells you what religion it was it was Catholic and by all accounts that lecture was pretty unremarkable but something happened to Buchman in that lecture and the result of that is right here it says I thought of those six men back in Philadelphia who I felt had wronged me they probably had but I got so mixed up with the wrong that I was the seventh wrong man I began to see myself as God saw me which was a very different picture than the one I had of myself I don't know how you explain it I can only tell you I sat there and realized how my sin my pride my selfishness and my ill will had eclipsed me from God and Christ I was the center of my own life that big eye had to be crossed out I saw my resentments against those men standing out like tombstones in my heart I asked God to change me and he told me to put things right with them it produced in me a vibrant feeling as though a strong current of life had suddenly been poured into me and afterwards a dazed sense of a great spiritual shaking up Bookman wrote six letters of apology to the board members asking their forgiveness for harboring ill will Bookman regarded this as a foundation experience and later years frequently referred to it with his followers so he made amends for resentment and the freedom that he found from making the amends for the resentment was one of the founding principles of the Oxford groups which is where we came from and their principles make sense? Anybody ever do much Emmett Fox? Emmett Fox is really good. I like him a lot. So we'll catch a couple of these. This one was February 16th. It says, Freedom and Forgiveness. We did touch on it earlier in the book study, but it's worth repeating now. If ye forgive men their trespasses, your Heavenly Father will also forgive you. Setting others free means setting yourself free because resentment is really a form of attachment. It is a cosmic truth that it takes two to make a prisoner, a prisoner and a jailer. There's no such thing as being a prisoner on one's own account. Moreover, the jailer is as much a prisoner as his charge. When you hold resentment against anyone, you are bound to that person by a mental chain. You are tied by a cosmic tie to the thing that you hate. That you hate the one person perhaps in the whole world whom you most dislike is the very one to whom you are attaching yourself by a hook that is stronger than steel is this what you wish? is this the condition in which you desire to go on living? remember, you belong to the thing with which you are linked in thought and at some time or other if that tie endures the object of your resentment will be drawn again unto your life perhaps to work further havoc. No one can afford such a thing and so you must cut all such ties by a clear act of forgiveness. You must loose him and let him go. By forgiveness you set yourself free, you save your soul and because the law of love works alike for one and all the world of the spirit is equal absolutely you help to save his soul too. Make sense? So I've often said in here, whether I think it or I feel it or I actually do something, the damage is the same in the world of the spirit. So there was kind of a really cool reading today in Emmett. It says life after death. Perhaps the most startling change that this carnet has to meet is the fact that thought is the normal means of communication and therefore there is no deception. You pass for what you are and that is the end of the matter. What is it that determines the kind of place to which you will go after death and the sort of people among whom you will find yourself? You will go to the sort of place and be among the sort of people for whom you have prepared yourself by your habitual thinking and your mode of living while on this earth. Remember that death makes positively no change in you. You are just the same person that you were before it happened. No one sends you anywhere. You naturally gravitate to the place where you belong. You do not meet God on the next plane any more than you do on this plane. Of course, he is fully present on the Next Plane just as he is on this plain. but there as here he is to be contacted only in one's own consciousness heaven is that perfect state of consciousness in which one is in full realization of the divine presence if you can reach to that level of consciousness while still in this world and a few have succeeded in doing so you are in heaven now and your awareness of God will be intensified after death however However, there are some very unpleasant localities in the next world and people whose minds are chiefly given up to hatred, deceit or sensuality will find themselves in such places. These are the places referred to as hell. Consider the man or woman who lives wholly for the body and is dominated by it. Physical cravings being part of the mentality are, of course, carried over to the next plane. But there is no physical body through which these appetites may be satisfied and so the victim is tormented by desire but unable to satisfy it until in the course of time these desires fade out by starvation. This is the natural punishment for allowing the physical body to assume control and surely it is punishment enough. for we know that if our earthly house of this tabernacle were dissolved we have a building of God a house not made with hands eternal in the heavens I think that's pretty good reading so it's around the year with Emmett Fox there is a Facebook page that you can use so you can join it on Facebook and they'll send you the daily readings so you could look it up every day so what are the different ways that we harm people spiritually, mentally emotionally, physically okay in the 12 and 12 on page 80 he's talking about step 8 and he says we might next ask ourselves what we mean when we say that we harmed other people what kinds of harm do people do one another anyway To define the word harm in a practical way, we might call it the result of instincts in collision which cause physical, mental, emotional or spiritual damage to people. If our tempers are consistently bad, we arouse anger in others. If we lie or cheat, we deprive others not only of their worldly goods but of their emotional security and peace of mind. We really issue them an invitation to become contemptuous and vengeful. If our sex conduct is selfish, we may excite jealousy, misery, and a strong sense to retaliate in kind. So, what goes on the 8-step list? okay and who do we owe amends resentments and harms what about the fears well don't you think what are the fears not trusting God so then perhaps you might owe God an amend for not trusting him so apparently everything in inventory goes on the eight step list make sense? ok so we're on page 76 which will pick up our discussion tonight down about halfway it says now we don't get a break yet oh we just had one right not Al-Anon we spent an hour not Al Anon but after five we got an hour break that's what we got right that was the first break that wasn't a break what was it communing with God that's not a break yeah you're reflecting making sure that all of your foundation is solid just as much work is all of the rest of it. Profitable, but still work. Okay. Well, based on where I came from, spending an hour of that kind of time with God is not work. Not based on where I come from, or the way that I was living. Okay? So now we need more action, without which we find that faith without works is dead. Let's look at steps 8 and 9. We have a list of all persons we have harmed and to whom we are willing to make amends. We made it when we took inventory. Good thing we laid that foundation, right? Resentments, fears, harms. We subjected ourselves to a drastic self-appraisal. Drastic. nothing counts but thoroughness and honesty and you take a real inventory that's a drastic house cleaning you can't come out the other side of that and not be changed now, oh more now now we go out to our fellows and repair the damage done in the past we attempt to sweep away the debris which has accumulated out of our effort to live on self-will the instincts and run the show ourselves. If we haven't the will to do this, we ask until it comes. Italicize means it's important. Remember it was agreed at the beginning that we would go to any lengths for victory over alcohol. That's a setup. Believe that is a setup He's leading you with that. Remember? You said it. you said you would go to any lengths now let me show you what that looks like right welcome to AA that's right nice yeah right this is probably there are still some misgivings as we look over the list of business acquaintances and friends we have hurt so there's the harm in men black and white telling us hurt we may feel diffident about going to some of them on a spiritual basis. Let us be reassured. To some people, we need not and probably should not emphasize the spiritual feature on our first approach. First approach? Really? There's more than one? Hmm? I had a sister. I have a sister, well she's I'm not her favorite brother I'm not her only brother but I'm not her favorite brother she had a kid she has four kids but this particular kid was with a very wealthy guy and she lost custody of that kid and she wanted me to help her get custody back and I didn't and so it's my fault and I'm doing the steps and I call her up and I think we could do some coffee and I got 15 minutes you son of a bitch hangs up the phone this was my last teacher and I called him up and he's like well they still think you want something from them it's obvious and he says if I were you I would be tempted to call her back and say, this is your brother. I was a dick. You were right. I was wrong. I was selfish, dishonest, self-seeking, frightened, and inconsiderate. I'm like, are you nuts? So I get off the phone with him and two days later I'm leaving my home group and I could feel it. You know you have those feelings? Get on the phone. Judy, this ist your brother, David. You were write. Iwaswrong. Iwasselfish, dishonist, self- seeking, frightened,and inconsidered. For that I am truly sorry. And she said, good for you. And I went, thanks. Click. So I called to give the report and he calls me back. He says, tell me exactly what happened. So I told him the story and he says, well that's good for a first approach. First approach? Are you kidding me? I'm thinking I'm done with it. So as these years have gone on, I buy the kids Christmas presents, I buy them birthday presents, I suit up, I show up for the holidays and this last Christmas she didn't show up and I'm sitting there at the table with my family and my dad says what's up with that? I said well their presents are under the tree and he says well it's not hard to see who's holding on to the problem here and I said dad I told you a few years ago I made my amends, I'm done if she wants to hold on to it that's on her but I've done my part I'm free of that it doesn't mean that I have to like it and I would like to be I am there I buy the presents I suit up and I show up you know it's going to tell us it doesn' t matter if they throw us out of the office why is that it doesn''t matter not for them right between me and God between me and God and I can sit there completely comfortable knowing that I've done my part see it's between me and my maker and what's between her and her maker is not between me and her. They can have it. They can go and meet their maker and still have the hate and the resentment. It's not mine. Does that make sense? Okay. So, we might emphasize the spiritual feature in our first approach. We might prejudice them. At the moment, we're trying to put our lives in order. But this is not an end in itself. here's my job description our real purpose is to fit ourselves to be of maximum service to God and the people about us what is maximum service to God all of me here I am use me but what is maximum service to God I think the most important thing that I do is take people through the steps the most important thing that I can do is take people to the steps so that they can take others to the steps those steps are a path that produces experiences with God. You get these conditions, you take these steps, you will have God experiences. You can't not. You can not. Anybody that's taken the steps want to argue that? Right? Okay. It is seldom wise to approach an individual who still smarts from our injustice to him and announce that we've gone religious. In the prize ring, this would be called leading with the chin. Why lay ourselves open into being branded fanatics or religious bores. We may kill a future opportunity to carry a beneficial message, but our man is sure to be impressed with a sincere desire to set right the wrong. He's going to be more interested in a demonstration of goodwill than in our talk of spiritual discoveries. Okay, end of that discussion, that piece on harm, so let's look at the next paragraph. We don't use this as an excuse for shying away from the subject of God. When it will serve any good purpose, we are willing to announce our convictions with tact and common sense. Here's the important one. The question of how to approach the man we hated will arise. Who do I hate? Resentment. There's the resentment of men right there. Right? It may be he has done us more harm than we've done him. and though we may have acquired a better attitude toward him how do we do that but how do we get there this precise specific clear cut exact directions how do I acquire a better attitude toward him as part of it it's a little bit of the sick man's prayer he like myself there you go now you're on it back on 65 66 right the basis of all forgiveness so on 65 and 66 he says he starts using some pretty hard words futility fatality kill talking about the resentments and the effect that they have on me. And then on the bottom, it says, How could we escape? We saw these resentments must be mastered. But how? We couldn't wish them away any more than alcohol, so much for wishful thinking. This was our course. So there's the basis of all forgiveness. We realized that perhaps the people who wronged us were spiritually sick. Take them off the hook. lay them down. Though we didn't like their symptoms, the way those symptoms disturbed me, they, like myself, were sick too. I have to get off the hook and lay down right next to them. As long as either one of us are on the hook, I'm stuck in the world because I'm playing God. Right? So what did he just do? He just leveled the playing field. I'm no better than and I'm no worse than anybody else, I'm just another Gus on the bus, that's all I am then comes the prayer we ask God to help us show them the same tolerance, pity and patience that we would cheerfully grant a sick friend, there's no time frame on that prayer no, lots of folks like to go to the back and use the two week prayer, there is no time frame according to this right So there's where our changed attitude comes In the basis of all forgiveness So we'll go back to 77 We may have acquired a better attitude toward him We're still not too keen about admitting our faults Right? Nevertheless With a person we dislike We take the bit in our teeth It is harder to go to an enemy than to a friend But we find it much more beneficial to us. This is about me and my relationship with God. We go to Him in a helpful and forgiving spirit, confessing our former ill feeling and expressing our regret. Under no condition do we criticize such a person or argue. Simply, we tell Him that we will never get over drinking until we have done our utmost to straighten out the past. Why do we have to say that to Him? Because I'm the one with the resentment. they don't know that so what's an example I came home from prison and my partner started a foreclosure company and I'm a 25% partner in this foreclasure company so I'm managing this company and I am hiring and firing people and we are building this business from the ground up and we were just turning the corner like a thousand orders a month at a thousand a pop I mean it was like a quarter of a million dollars in turning the corner and the guy that backed the company didn't like the stress so he backed out I became expendable and instead of my 25% they fired me I got fired and so resentment would have set me out of prison I got nothing paying me $10 an hour to build this company I built the company and I get fired? Really? So I take this process and I call him up. Hey, John. It's David Lester. Hey, David. What's going on? In our past relationship I've been selfish, dishonest, self-seeking, frightened and inconsiderate. Oh, no, no. It just didn't work out between us. It just doesn't work. No, John, you don't understand. I'll never get over this drinking If I don't do my utmost to straighten out the past, it didn't end the way I would have liked and I need to let you know about my part. I've been selfish, dishonest, self-seeking, frightening, inconsiderate. For that, I'm truly sorry. Is there anything I need do to straighten it up? No, no, we're good. It just didn't work out. Clear? So it's not about him, is it? This is an internal job. This is about me and my relationship with God. But I'm the one with the resentment. Right? So I made that amends. We're there to sweep off our side of the street, realizing that nothing worthwhile in life may be accomplished until we do so, never trying to tell him what he should do. His faults are not discussed. We stick to our own. If our manner is calm, frank, and open, we will be gratified with the result. In nine cases out of ten, the unexpected happens. Sometimes the man we are calling upon admits his own fault, so feuds of years standing melt away in an hour. Rarely do we fail to make satisfactory progress. Our former enemies sometimes praise what we are doing and wish us well. Occasionally they will offer assistance. It should not matter, however, if someone does throw us out of his office. We have made our demonstrations on our part as water over the dam. Next case Most alcoholics owe money Anybody in here not owe money? Okay Most alcoholists owe money It's water over the dam Oh, wait a minute We do not dodge our creditors Telling them what we are trying to do We make no bones about our drinking They usually know it anyway Whether we think so or not nor are we afraid of disclosing our alcoholism on the theory it may cause financial harm approached in this way the most ruthless predator will sometimes surprise us arranging the best deal we can arranging the best deal we can we let these people know we are sorry our drinking has made us slow to pay we must lose our fear of creditors no matter how far we have to go for we are liable to drink if we are afraid to face them. Another warning. So I come home, taking the steps, going around, cleaning it up. I arrested four times. I still owe the bail guy. Right? So I go down and walk into the office and they're all eating lunch and I say, is Greg here? I see Greg. And he's like, yeah. I'm not trying to interrupt your lunch. But he gets up anyways and comes over and he says, who are you? I said, I'm David Lester. I know the name but that's not you no, I'm David Lester he says wait a minute if I wasn't there if I hadn't seen everything that was going on in your life you couldn't have written the story or you never could have told me about it what the hell happened to you well I was sentenced to prison, I went to prison for four years and I'm a sober member of Alcoholics Anonymous I've come home and I've tried to build a life and I owe you amends. I don't have your money, I owe You a lot of it but I need to make arrangements so I can start making payments. He's like, I'll do anything You want. Sit down, let's talk. Sat down and we talked and I got to let him know that I know in his line of work he comes across some of us if there's anything I can do to help any of them to let me know. I saw him a couple of months ago stop by because we talked about it on the book study and I swung by and went in the office and he finally gets off the phone and he comes over and he says, what's up? Oh, I just wanted to let you know I went to jail on Wednesday. He said, you what? Oh, I was a guest. They invited me to go back to jail and so I did a four step this step workshop and he said, great, it's good to see you again. I'm still making payments to that man. Every month he gets a check. So we arrange the best deal we can and start chucking away at it. Right? Alright. Next case. Perhaps we have committed a criminal offense which might land us in jail if it were known to the authorities. We may be short on our accounts and unable to make good. Hmm. We've already admitted this in confidence to another person, but we are sure we would be in prison or lose our job if it was known. Maybe it's only a petty offense, such as padding the expense account. Most of us have done that sort of thing. Maybe we're divorced and have remarried but haven't kept up the alimony to number one. she's indignant about it and has a warrant out for our arrest that's a common form of trouble too anybody ever had any of these amends? yeah I don't know what you guys were doing but when I started drinking again all bets are off I mean the girl comes over I'm buying her cars just come and have sex with me oh you want to rob some stores which ones let's go we'll go do whatever you want So we're running around robbing these stores, and I'm like, this really sucks. And she says, yeah. I said, yeah, I know what's going to happen here. I'm going to get sober, andI'm going be back here making amends. You're going to go off and do your little thing, but I'll be back at these places. And there was a lot of them. I mean, we would go in and get the big shopping bags and fill them up, and I'd go out to the car, pull off the license plate, pull in front of the place, throw the door open, she jumps in, and off we go. time and time and time again. Every Macy's in town. Every single Macy'S. And so I start going back to these places and walking in there was four of them in Backerville, the factory outlets and I walked in and it says my name is David Lester and I'm a sober member of Alcoholics Anonymous. Unfortunately I've not always been a sober members of Alcoholic Anonymous and when I wasn't I came in here and I took from your store oh you did yeah near as I can figure there's about this amount of merchandise see I can't involve her I can involve her this is about me I'm the one making the amends and this one girl she says well I don't know what we're supposed to do I mean we don't have any way to take the money back in it's already been written off it's been years ago right and I said well if there's any charity that you donate to I'd like to know what that is and I can just take that amount and I could shift it over to the charity because one way or another, this debt's going to be paid. It needs to be payed. Don't get away with it just because you write it off. She's like, well, here's my card. Call me back. And there were dozens of those stores. And so I just set up a spreadsheet. X amount. I check every month and deduct the amount until it's done. Tommy Hilfiger wanted their money. I told them how much I figured it was and they wanted their money they were going to take it back and so I mean I'm afraid they're going to arrest me I'm on parole doing this stuff right I'm a ward of the state going back and taking care of this stuff I'm hopeless helpless and powerless over this disease and my only hope is the maintenance and growth with an experience with God. Let's go. I mean, it takes somebody really, really broken to do this shit. You've really got to be broken and convinced your only hope is with an experience with god. And if you're really convinced with that, then what is the problem with anything in this book? I'm done. I don't have any more answers. Follow the directions. Alright? alright, although these reparations take innumerable forms there are some general principles which we find guiding reminding ourselves another warning that we have decided to go to any length to find a spiritual experience we ask that we be given strength and direction to do the right thing no matter what the personal consequences may be we may lose our position or reputation or face jail but we are willing we have to be we must not shrink at anything there's a whole lot of musts in this section of the book don't you think? usually however other people are involved therefore we are not to be the hasty and foolish martyr who would needlessly sacrifice others to save himself from the alcoholic pit a man we know had remarried because of resentment and drinking he had not paid alimony to his first wife she was furious she went to court and got an order for his arrest he had commenced our way of life had secured a position and was getting his head above water it would have been impressive heroics if he had walked up to the judge and said here I am we thought he ought to be willing to do that if necessary but if he were in jail he could provide nothing for either family the greater good here what is the greater good we suggested he write to his first wife admitting his faults and asking forgiveness he did and also sent a small amount of money he told her what he would try to do in the future he said he was perfectly willing to go to jail if she insisted, of course she did not and the whole situation has long since been adjusted before taking drastic action which might implicate other people we secure their consent. Who are the other people? Well, or the people who did the harms with you. Or your wife, you've got to support the family or your business associate if you go and turn yourself in it might damage them, right? If we have obtained permission have consulted with others asked God to help and the drastic step is indicated we must not shrink at anything, right? This brings to mind now this is an Oxford group story don't know the name of the guy but it is an Oxford group story this brings to mine a story about one of our friends while drinking he accepted a sum of money from a bitterly hated business rival giving him no receipt for it he subsequently denied having received the money and used the incident as a basis for discrediting the man he thus used his own wrongdoing as a means of destroying the reputation of another, in fact his rival was ruined he felt that he had done a wrong he could not possibly make right if he opened that old affair he was afraid it would destroy the reputation of his partner disgrace his family and take away his means of livelihood what right had he to involve those dependent upon him how could he possibly make a public statement exonerating his rival So here's the example, right? After consulting with his wife and partner, he came to the conclusion that it was better to take those risks than to stand before his creator guilty of such ruinous slander. He saw that he had to place the outcome in God's hands or he would soon start drinking again and all would be lost anyhow. So that's the sixth warning right there. he attended church for the first time in many years after the sermon he quietly got up and made an explanation his action met widespread approval and today he is one of the most trusted citizens of his town this all happened years ago next case the chances are that we have domestic troubles perhaps we're mixed up with women in a fashion we wouldn't care to have advertised we doubt if in this respect alcoholics are fundamentally much worse than other people But drinking does complicate sex relations in the home. After a few years with an alcoholic, a wife gets worn out, resentful and uncommunicative. How could she be anything else? The husband begins to feel lonely, sorry for himself. He commences to look around in the nightclubs of their equivalent for something besides liquor. Perhaps he is having a secret and an exciting affair with the girl who understands. in fairness we must say that she may understand but what are we going to do about a thing like that a man so involved often feels very remorseful at times especially if he is married to a loyal and courageous girl who has literally gone through hell for him whatever the situation we usually have to do something about it if we are sure our wife does not know should we tell her? not always we think if she knows in a general way that we have been wild should we tell her in detail undoubtedly we should admit our fault she may insist on knowing all the particulars she will want to know who the woman is and where she is we feel we ought to say to her that we have no right to involve another person we are sorry for what we have done and God willing it shall not be repeated more than that we cannot do we have now right to go further though there may be justifiable exceptions and though we wish to lay down no rule of any sort we have often found this the best course to take. So what's an example of a relationship amend? I got a friend request on Facebook probably about a year ago now. It was an ex-girlfriend. I recognized her. And so I wrote to her. I said, dear so and so, thank you for having me. It has indeed been a very long time and much water has passed under the bridge. I hope all is well with you. in our past relationship I was selfish dishonest self-seeking frightened and inconsiderate and for that I am truly sorry if you would be so kind as to let me know what it is I need to do to mend the situation between us it would indeed be my honor and privilege to do so thank you again for adding me just the fact that she's an ex tells me there's a harm I don't need to write columns on this right? if it's not a harm we'd still be together right? so here's her response hi David I don't know if I'm using the correct method to answer this I'm such a Facebook rookie it has been a while I wish I could say all is well but it is not I have peace in my heart which is great but life is difficult a ton of health problems divorce again lots of losses I wanted to write you back right away but I can't say everything I want to because I'm running late always for my Celebrate Recovery meeting I can honestly say this You are the only person ever, David, ever that has ever apologized to me for things that happened during our relationship. I can't stop crying. I'm so touched. Here's the funny thing. I don't remember you being any of those things. You were kind of, if I may say this, overly confident and I did get my feelings hurt at times. I can say you're not the guy that I knew then. He was shallow and really trying to sound deep. I think so, I guess. I don't know whether or not I owe you an amends I'm not on that step yet I remember us having some fun I also know I was undoubtedly everything you say you were but I was actually happier at that time than I've ever been in my life so it's easy to remember I still had a ton of growing to do but I didn't know it then I know the things that I did then and the way I acted would not have a place in my heart in my own life now I claim to be a Christian all my life but I haven't lived what I believed until about four years ago when I rededicated my life to Christ. Now I can honestly and humbly say that I have changed because I can't live any other way and stand to be with me. I wasn't done, I hit the wrong button. I do need to go now. Thank you for your gracious, beautiful words. You've obviously done what you needed to do to mend our situation as far as I'm concerned. It has been my honor to be on the receiving end of your message. I apologize for messing this up. Maybe you can let me know what I did wrong. Take care and let me know what you're up to soon. Pretty cool, huh? So then I wrote her back and I said I'm sorry it's taken time for me to respond to you. I've been digesting more truths about me and that is not always easy. Still, it was wonderful to hear your response to my amends. It was a beautiful exchange of heartfelt human kindness and healing. There isn't anything that I can think of that is necessary for you to do to mend our situation. I only know that as I walk this spiritual journey of life, I'm supposed to positively touch as many people as I can and not take any credit for who really does the work. I do hope you have been so touched and if ever there's anything I can do to assist in your journey, please do not hesitate to call. Alright. Our design for living. Not thinking. This isn't what we think. It's not because we need. It's just because we want. Alcoholics Anonymous is what we do. This is a design for living and being, a spiritual community of shared experience. That's what we doing. Our design for life is not a one-way street. It is as good for the wife as it is for the husband. If we can forget, so can she. It is better, however, that one does not needlessly name a person upon whom she can vent jealousy. Perhaps there are some cases where the utmost frankness is demanded. No outsider can appraise such an intimate situation. It may be that both will decide that the way of good sense and loving kindness is to let bygones be bygnes. Each might pray about it, having the other one's happiness uppermost in mind. keep it always in sight that we are dealing with that most terrible human emotion jealousy good generalship may decide that the problem be attacked on the flank rather than risk face to face combat if we have no such complication there's plenty we should do at home remember what he said earlier our homes, occupations and affairs the other 23 hours in a day there's plenty we should do at home sometimes we hear an alcoholic say the only thing he needs to do is to keep sober certainly he must keep sober for there will be no home if he doesn't but he is yet a long way from making good to the wife or parents whom for years he has so shockingly treated passing all understanding is that patience mothers and wives have had with alcoholics had this not been so many of us would have no homes today would perhaps be dead the alcoholic is like a tornado roaring his way through the lives of others hearts are broken sweet relationships are dead affections have been uprooted selfish and inconsiderate habits have kept the home in turmoil we feel a man is unthinking when he says that sobriety is enough he is like the farmer who came up out of his cyclone cellar to find his home ruined to his wife he remarks don't see anything the matter here ma ain't it grand the wind stop blowing yes there is a long period of reconstruction ahead we must take the lead a remorseful mumbling that we are sorry won't fill the bill at all we ought to sit down with the family and frankly analyze the past as we now see it being careful not to criticize them their defects may be glaring but the chances are that our own actions are partly responsible so we clean house with the families asking each morning in meditation that our creator show us the way of patience, tolerance kindliness and love the spiritual life is not a theory we have to live it unless one's family expresses a desire to live upon spiritual principles we think we ought not urge them we should not talk incessantly to them about spiritual matters They will change in time. Our behavior will convince them more than our words. We must remember that 10 or 20 years of drunkenness would make a skeptic out of anyone. So I don't want to hear a sermon, I want to see it. Right? There may be some wrongs that we can never fully right. We don't worry about them if we can honestly say to ourselves that we would right them if they could. Some people cannot be seen. We send them an honest letter, and there may be a valid reason for postponement in some cases, but we don't delay if it can be avoided. We should be sensible, tactful, considerate, and humble without being servile or scraping. As God's people, we stand on our feet. We don't crawl before anyone. Pretty powerful, right? I mean I'm getting ready to be sentenced to prison and with everything that's in me I want to run what's that going to solve go in there and stand up and be counted go pay the price for what I've done that was one of the hardest things and you go into that kind of an environment they got guns we're talking about real fear they got gun and I'm a piece of meat I don't know if you've ever been in one of those environments but I'm a piece of meat and I know it so it starts with the very real fear and then it comes to the more contiguous aspects of life living with people and learning to love them exactly who they are not who I think they should be so it's been in stages of learning to become human again I was not human when I got here, my pool was green, I mean the house is a mess. There are people who have seen it who are around here. I needed treatment to learn how to make my bed every day, to brush my teeth again, to get on my knees and to pray, to have chores to do every day to start to build the building blocks of a regular life. I mean prison was a very structured environment. A forced choice environment but it's very structured. You're going to get your ass up. you're going to go to work you're gonna do the things that you need to do on a daily basis or there will be problems absolutely so I'd like to think we've made a little progress since then I hope anyways right so then let's talk about some promises right an alcoholic won't do stuff without promises they just won't if we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed before we are halfway through. Halfway through with what? Amen. Yes. Halfway to the amen. We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness. We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it. We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace. No matter how far down the scale we have gone, and we will see how our experience can benefit others. That feeling of uselessness and self-pity will disappear. We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows. Self-sleeping will slip away. Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change. Fear of people and economic insecurity will leave us. We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us. We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves. Have you ever heard them read the other way? well I mean if Alcoholics Anonymous and these steps aren't as good or better than what alcohol and drugs did for me I wouldn't be here so let's look at them the other way when drinking I knew a new freedom and a new happiness when drinking I didn't regret the past or wish to shut the door on it when drinking I comprehended the word serenity and I knew peace when I was drinking no matter how far down the scale I went, I could see how my experience could benefit others when drinking that feeling of uselessness and self-pity disappeared when drinking I lost interest in selfish things and gained interest in my fellows when drinking my self-seeking slipped away when drinking my whole attitude and outlook upon life changed when drinking fear of people and of economic insecurity left me. When drinking, I intuitively knew how to handle situations which used to baffle me. When drinking I said, well anyways, okay are these extravagant promises? We may not. They are being fulfilled among us sometimes quickly an experience sometimes slowly an awakening. They will always materialize if we work for them conditional word if we work for them this is not a program of osmosis right two parts meetings steps two parts selfishness and self-centeredness is the problem selflessness and helping others is the solution getting out of myself anybody have any comments questions so that brings us through steps eight and 9. Next week we'll cover step 10. Thank you guys for your time. I'm really glad that you guys came. We'll close in the usual manner if we could please.