Honesty and the Inventory – BB Study 2 – Part 1 of 2 – David L.

It's always a good place to start. The only place we can start. Why don't we start at the back of the book? Huh? Why? Yeah. So, we go to the back of the books because it has the six conditions to sobriety. Hey John, how are you? And I don't have any power and without help from the power I don' t have these conditions either. So, he starts off about six lines down and he says Most emphatically. Why, thank you. Hello, Ed. How are you? We've got some more chairs. I think they're in the office, sweetie. Oh, okay, gotcha. Unless you were talking to Ed. No, that was me. I don't know if we're around here. No. Well, I'm just playing the victim. You're playing the victims? Why don't we do some introductions? My name is David Lester. I'm an alcoholic. Hey, David. I'm a alcoholic. Nice to meet you. I'm Lauren. I'm not an alcoholic, still the alcoholic, jammy alcoholic, Janelle alcoholic, Andrea alcoholic, Maddie alcoholic, Matthew alcoholic, Ed, Lauren alcoholic, Jason, son of your alcoholic, Allie alcoholic, John alcoholic, Leah alcoholic, Jimmy alcoholic, Okay, welcome. Glad you guys are here. I've got my backpacking outfit on, no shoes. I went to Yosemite last week, so there wasn't a book study. So six lines down, he says, most emphatically we wish to say that any alcoholic capable of honestly, and there's a conditional word, facing his problems. so God's not limited to drugs and alcohol the limits are those that I place on God's power in the light of our experience thank you can't recover so what well in the face of a disease it has no known cure that's a pretty bold statement I mean if there was a known cure we'd be at the known cure I would right okay so there must be some conditions provided is a conditional word he does not close his mind to all spiritual concepts well since we're here to apply a spiritual solution to a physical and mental problem that has no known cure it might be important that I be open to all the spiritual concepts can only be defeated by an attitude of intolerance I don't want to hear what you have to say or belligerent denial now I'm mad so then he gives us a promise we find that no one need have difficulty with the spirituality of the program willingness honesty and open-mindedness are the essentials of recovery the essentials of recovery but these are indispensable which means they cannot be done without so how do I get what I need if I don't have what I mean ask hmm I ask so I'll use that as a prayer Father help us to be open to all spiritual concepts keep from us any attitude of intolerance or belligerent denial grant that measure of willingness honesty and open-mindedness we need as we seek your truth through the path of those who laid it down before us use us Father as your messenger to carry your message not ours Amen so we are here dealing with spiritual principles truths and laws that govern the spirit truths and lies that govern the spirit so the world and the spirit is equal absolutely can you lie to God can you cheat God? Can you steal from God? You can try. God's not going to pay the price. You are. And how do I know that? Number one offender, that's me. Yeah, I've tried. So, the application is then why not do an honest inventory? Because I'm only cheating myself. I'm always lying to myself. I'm the one who's going to pay the price if I don't put everything that I have into this process. This book is designed to transmit an experience sufficient to enable me to overcome alcoholism and drug addiction, to transmit and experience. You can't cheat the experience, you have to have the experience And I've had conversations with my sponsor recently, and the guys at his sponsor know that I've had some fights lately inside of me. And it's not with people, and it's not with places. It's with me and my relationship with God. And I'm sworn at this guy. And I'd been angry. And then I started to grow through it. The one thing I never stop doing is meditating and stop praying and stop working with people. And as I've grown through that experience, oh, a few weeks ago, a guy down in the Bay Area says, well, how are you and God today? And I said, well, I just think he's a prick right now because I'm not getting what I think, what I want. And as i grew through that experienced, last week I was talking to my sponsor and he says, well what's up and I said I think I've had an epiphany he says okay let's hear it I said well you know I'm doing everything that we're supposed to do around here I'm meditating I'm praying I'm making amends I'm taking people through this work and and I've been and I have had a resentment with God and I I've applied the solution four through nine in even making my amend to God and the thing was I didn't think that I could hurt God because it is God how do you hurt God and he said well it talks in the Bible about him leaving the 99 to go get the 1 and he says when you turn against God you don't think that that hurts him because he loves you and he wants the best for you he would turn away from the 91 99 to go and grab the one and it took the air out of me again and so I made my amends and I said the epiphany is this I grew to a point where I had a realization and the people that I sponsored are you sure you should be swearing at this guy do you really think you shouldbe doing that and I don't have any other frame of reference I don' t know any other way to do other than I know that I'm beyond human aid. And my sponsor consistently pushes me to God, not to him and not to you, but consistently pushes us to my relationship with God. And the epiphany was this, if I can't bring everything to God the good and the seemingly not so good then I'm in serious trouble. And the fact of the matter is there isn't anyone that I shouldn't be able to bring everything to, but this God that you introduced me to. That's the epiphany. And so as I grew through that part and started to come to the other side of that part, I had the realization that that relationship is becoming the most important relationship in my life. And as I've grown through that part, I look around at my life and the reality is that I have really never had it so good. It doesn't matter money, property, prestige, her, none of that matters because I've had that conversation with my sponsor. Even going through this experience of the struggle inside, there's an uncanny sense of calm deep down inside. And so I'm learning and I'm growing in this experience with God to a point that it really is okay. It doesn't matter where I go. It does not matter what I do. What does matter is how I am with me and God in you that's what matters and so I don't have any other way to do than to be in the experience I don' t know anything else to do I gave everything to God, the good and the seemingly not so good and the reality is that he still loves me more than I can even comprehend he still love me and so up to this point in the book study we have covered the 60 pages so can anyone tell me how do you take the first two steps according to the book Alcoholics Anonymous 3 A. Alcohol 2. Power B. That's not a human problem no human power could so the directions are that we open the cover and we read to page 60 on page 60 it said that the previous pages were designed to convince me of three pertinent ideas A. That I'm an alcoholic and I can't manage my own life Step 1 That is true today B. That probably no human power could have relieved me of my alcoholism Step 2 Still true today And C. That God could and would if he were sought Step 2 Condition Because if is a conditional word that's also step 2 that's why the next line in the book says being convinced of what? the first two steps I was at step three so everything in the book up to that point is designed to convince me of the first few steps and on that basis I'm going to make a decision to turn my will and my life over to the care of God as I understand him and the way that we do that is we apply the solution So step one is the problem, step two is the solution. Step three is the decision to apply a practical program of action that is the Solution to the Problem, Problem Solved, 439. So we've made that decision together. We've gone in and we have looked at our resentments, our fears, and our harms. We have analyzed those resentments and found their terrible destructiveness. he uses words like fatal futility unhappiness in fact they kill us we've looked at the fears and we've look at our harms including the sexual inventory which brings us to the fifth step in the program of recovery according to the book and Bill Wilson was taught if you use the same word to describe something repeatedly you're showing a lack of education and so he uses a number of different words to describe the same problem throughout the text the 12 and 12 and this in Bill's story he uses the word sin now sin isn't a religious term sin is an archery term do you know that the bullseye is the mark missing the mark the rings away from the bullseye are the sins away from the mark all men have fallen short for the glory of God once in a while I'll hit the mark once in a great while you know I mean what is it 300% in baseball gets you to the hall of fame missing 70% of the time will get you in the hall of fame alcohol synonymous was not founded on success alcohol synonymus was founded on failure so he uses sin he also uses problems then he goes to deficiencies in step four he talks about our flaws in step five he talks about our defects or the weak items in our inventory step six he talks about those things that are objectionable seven he talks about defects of character in the 12 and 12 he talks about emotional deformities on page 59 he talks about shortcomings then he talks about moral principles an index of maladjustments twists of character and then liabilities he's all describing the same problem those things in me now it's important also that we put this book in context this book was written and published in April of 1939 there are three meetings on the planet New York, Akron, and Cleveland this is a mail order book and it is a book of directions because there aren't meetings in every city there aren't sponsors available to hear fifth steps and so this part of the book is describing how you can complete these steps when there arenít sponsors available and there arenít meetings in every city and a lot of people take it out of context but itís important to keep it in context so we can understand why they say what they say and how they saywhat theyíre saying okay so I usually with the people that I sponsor change the wording of these first couple of paragraphs because it's me and the person that's in front of me. And we do steps four and five simultaneously at the same time. So changing the wording helps it make sense to the people that I work with. I say that we're going to make our personal inventory. What are we going to do about it? We will get a new attitude, a new relationship with our creator, and we will discover the obstacles in our path. We will admit certain defects. We will ascertain in a rough way what the trouble is. We will put our finger on the weak items in our personal inventory. Now these are about to be cast out. This requires action on our part, which when completed will mean that we have admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our defects. What page are you on? Seventy-two. This brings us to the fifth step in the program of recovery mentioned in the preceding chapter. This is perhaps difficult, especially discussing our defects with another person. We think we have done well enough in admitting these things to ourselves. There is doubt about that. in actual practice we usually find a solitary self-appraisal insufficient so much for journaling a solitary self- appraisal so I'm going to take the sick mind and I'm gonna put it on the paper and I'll counsel the sick mind with the sick mind how's that gonna work who said that Einstein yeah Yeah, now he's given us some warnings here. He's actually going to warn us three times about trying to cheat this process. Many of us thought it necessary to go much further. We would be more reconciled to discussing ourselves with another person who meets the good reasons why we should do so. The best reason first. If we skip this vital step, we may not overcome drinking. I think he just warned us. Time after time newcomers have tried to keep to themselves certain facts about their lives. Hmm, they thought they could cheat God. Trying to avoid this humbling experience, they have turned to easier methods. almost invariably invariably is in every case they got drunk. They got drunk having persevered with the rest of the program so they even made amends. They persevered with the last of the rest of the program they wondered why they fell we think the reason is that they never completed their house cleaning they took inventory alright but hung on to some of the worst items in stock they only thought they had lost their egoism and fear. They only thought that they had humbled themselves, but they had not learned enough of humility, fearlessness, and honesty in the sense we find it necessary until they told someone else some of their life story. All. All of it. All of their live story. Okay, I'm just checking. So what the book says is that we tell all of our life story we write the inventory but we tell our life story we don't write an autobiography does that make sense so the way that I was taken through and taken it apart was exactly that I told my life story and I wrote my resentments fears and harms as we went yeah and but it's just a lot of shit that I've done back and to your point I'm not going to write all that down it just seems incomprehensible I mean it's going to be a freaking book didn't seem like a lot when you were doing it well I can I can tell you that the way my sponsor took me through the steps I took 17 weeks telling my life story and writing column 1 and 2 okay because when we tell the story that's what we do we write down who and what column 1, column 2 now it took 17 weeks just doing that part and it took another 17 weeks to do column 3 and 4 so that's 34 weeks in inventory the fact is my back was against the wall and I was going to take myself out I meant it with everything that was in me for the first time I'm putting everything in on this deal and we're going to see one way or another we're going to see and so 34 weeks in inventory is what I took in this process I'm not saying that's what you need to do probably well it doesn't matter when I sit down with somebody they have a day and they have a time and there's a block of time and we go until we're done I don't put any time limit on anybody I said I suggest work tripping it worked out fantastically oh my god right through it 5 hours just talking so my sponsor met her and the next time I talked to him he says wow you get five years extra credit for working with that one he did I swear he did I'm telling you we would get in the car and we would pray the door would close and we were praying all the way there and we'd stop get to the meeting get back in the car all the way back I mean that was a lot it was a great inventory it was a great inventory I mean there's this inventory work is really profound and when you are in the presence of another alcoholic and they have those moments you feel their breath being taken away and you know and I remember the first one and I told my sponsor you're not going to believe it he's like okay stop hold on, no I've heard your inventory I absolutely know that you don't have any power yes sir and you're hearing their inventory and we know that they don't have any tower yes sir then what is it that's left David God yeah you sit in those moments in the presence of infinite power and love and see that power working in the life of somebody having a profound alteration in their perception, understanding, and experience in this life. And I'm telling you, those moments are better than any of the drugs I've ever done, any of this sex that I've never had. Better than any of it. So much so that I'm willing to do whatever is necessary to get back to those moments. Please let's do inventory. Please let us do inventory okay so we tell the life story column one and two and we write an inventory more than most people I'm an alcoholic who leads a double life I am very much the actor to me, the outer world I present my state of character this is the one I like you to see I want you to I want to enjoy a certain reputation but know in my heart that I don't deserve it. Did you catch that? If you take this book and turn it into an I statement it will light up for you or you're not one of us. It will light up for you because he's not talking about them he's talking about me. The inconsistency is made worse by the things I do on my streets drunk or sober coming to my senses I'm revolted at certain episodes that vaguely remember these memories are a nightmare I tremble to think someone might have observed me as fast as I can I push these memories far inside myself I hope they will never see the light of day I'm under constant fear and tension and that makes for more thinking psychologists are inclined to agree with us we have spent thousands of dollars for examinations we know of a few instances where we have given these doctors a fair break we have seldom told them the whole truth nor have we followed their advice unwilling to be honest with these sympathetic men we were honest with no one else small wonder many in the medical profession have a low opinion of alcoholics and their chance for recovery. So now here's the part that's taken out of context from some sponsorship lines. We must be entirely honest with somebody if we expect to live long or happily in this world, rightly and naturally, we think well before we choose the person or persons with whom to take this intimate and confidential step. now I don't have any problem with doing multiple fifth steps I did with people that go around and talk about them renting hotel rooms and going from one person to the next and I'm not against anything what I do know in my own experience is in doing the inventory work that I've done with a whole bunch of people now they haven't been back to back to back but I've done over a hundred inventories with people and in doing that much inventory work each one of those has helped open another piece for me and I have, in fact, in my own experience come to new realizations of my own experience because you can't do one without giving one right? And the more inventory work that I've does, absolutely more has been revealed. I guarantee you inventory one was vastly different than inventory 100 and the fact is that you can't get to 100 without starting with one you can not shortcut or cheat this process you have to be in it that's my own experience I had to be in it and I'm not discounting number one because it is altering every time you go in and do it it's just a part of that growth of the spiritual growth in this process okay we just get better and better and better and there isn't a neutral you're either moving forward or you're going backwards in this proces okay so those of us belonging to a religious denomination which requires confession must I thought there weren't any musts in this book all kinds of them must and of course will want to go to the properly appointed authority whose duty it is to receive it though we have no religious connection we may still do well to talk to someone ordained by an established religion we often find such a person quick to see and understand our problem singular problem what's the problem? lack of power separation from God separation from god of course we sometimes encounter people who do not understand alcoholics I wrote in there stay away from those people stay away from those people who do not understand alcoholics what do they tell you just don't drink the hard stuff switch to beer try natural wine the only thing I'm sadder because it's that easy alright so now the next paragraphs the next two paragraphs are going to give us five conditions that are necessary for you to have in order to hear a fifth step ok they're going to tell you what you should look for in somebody you're going take a fifth step with if we cannot or would rather not do this we search our acquaintance for a closed mouth first condition understanding friend second condition perhaps our doctor or psychologist will be the person it may be one of our own family but we cannot disclose anything to our wives or our parents which will hurt them and make them unhappy we have no right to save our own skin at another person's expense. Such parts of our story we tell to someone who will understand yet be unaffected. Third condition. The rule is we must be hard on ourselves but always considerate of others. Because the humility is something that's self-imposed. You can humble me as soon as you turn around I can say screw you. but the humility is something that I must want and go for inside of myself. You can't do that to me. It's something I have to swallow and digest. All right? Notwithstanding the great necessity for discussing ourselves with someone, it may be one is so situated that there is no suitable person available. If that is so, this step may be postponed only, however, if we hold ourselves in complete readiness to go through with it at the first opportunity. We say this because we are very anxious that we talk to the right person. It is important that he be able to keep a confidence, condition four, and that he fully understand and approve, condition five, what we're driving at. That he will not try to change our plans. We must not use this as a mere excuse to postpone. So then when we're going into a fifth step, or coming out of a fifth steps, I'll read this paragraph to them, depending on which part we're at. In the beginning, I'll say that you have decided that I am to hear your story. We will waste no time. We will write your inventory as we go and we will be prepared for some long talks. You don't need to explain to me what you are about to do or why you have to do it. I realize that you are engaged upon a life and death errand and because you have approached me in this way I will be only too glad to help. In fact, I am honored by your confidence in me. See the difference? And then coming out of it we re-hit this paragraph. You decided that I was to hear your story and we've wasted no time. we've written your inventory and we've had some long talks you didn't need to explain to me what you needed to do or why you had to do it I realize that you have been engaged upon a life and death errand and because you have approached me in that way I've been only too glad to help in fact I've done honored by your confidence in me you know this is the only part in this book where he talks about life and death the only place in the book where He talks about that so then usually when you're done with the fifth step sit down and close the book for a minute have a little conversation well how's it going take a breath well can you describe to me how you're feeling you get all kinds of different descriptions weight of the world off my shoulder feel relieved and there are promises that come with each step and if you know what those promises are you will sometimes have to lead them but when they can explain to you or they can describe to you those promises then you know that the step is doing its work the step needs to do its work not me not them but the step needs to do the work which is between them and their God. And so usually, I mean, I have mine on recording, but he asked, you said that you're happy. Can you stay delighted? Well, sure. Because I knew for the first time in my life I had put it all out on the table. Absolutely everything. And so we went in and read this part. It says, We pocket our pride and go to it illuminating every twist of character, every dark cranny of the past. Once we have taken this step, withholding nothing, there's the condition, first promise, we are delighted. Now these are some pretty profound promises. These are fifth step promises. We are delighted because we can look the world in the eye. We can be alone at perfect peace and ease our fears fall from us we begin to feel the nearness of our creator we may have had certain spiritual beliefs mental but now we begin to have a spiritual experience hmm the feeling that the drink problem has disappeared will often come strongly we feel we are on the broad highway walking hand in hand with the spirit of the universe returning home we find a place where we can be quiet for an hour carefully reviewing what we have done we thank God from the bottom of our heart that we know him better not that we know him but that we know him better okay taking this book down from our shelf we turn to the page which contains the 12 carefully reviewing the first five proposals we ask if we have omitted anything for we are building an arch through which we shall walk a free man at last is our work solid so far are the stones properly in place have we skimmed from the cement put into the foundation the cement is the truth put into our foundation have we tried to make mortar without sand and so at this point sponsor told me he says we have covered every word in this book up to this point and this direction is for people that are in places that don't have meetings, that don' t have sponsors and so they wanted you to go home and spend an hour. He said I don't believe that you need to spend an hours but I'm going to tell you that I want you to go up to the cemetery and spend some time with your God I'm not saying that you have to spend an hour, but I will tell you they're very quiet there. Very quiet there. And he said, open this book to these paragraphs and when it gives you a direction follow it. When it asks you a question, answer it. Do everything this book says for these next three and four paragraphs. Okay, fine. And he says now, I must warn you there are people who have reported having actual spiritual experiences as the result of what I've told you to do and I don't want you to be alarmed sometimes they happen immediately usually within 72 hours certainly within 90 days and so I just wanted to let you know that it's possible that that may happen okay January 11th 2010 1.10 in the afternoon the exact day and time and I can tell you where I was in that cemetery. Burning bush, spiritual experience, profound alteration, unbelievable. I went and I was with my God and what I realized that day that everything I thought was not true. All these resentments that I had had been turned into harm. I mean, I would go whole days and have two valid resentments and the rest of them had been turned into harms. It was a literal example of the doctor's opinion. I can't tell the true from the false. Sober could not tell the truth from the falseness. And the truth was that all these resentments that I thought that I had weren't resentments, they were harms because of my participation in the relationship. What I did in the relationships was the exact opposite of what I thought. and I went to the cemetery that day and I'm shaking and I am sweating profusely and I followed these directions word for word I followed this directions carefully reading the first five proposals well I turned to what page then 59 I have admitted that I am powerless over alcohol my life has become unmanageable have I really done that yes sir have I come to believe that a power greater than myself can restore me to sanity do I believe that God do I really believe that have I made that decision to turn my will and life over to your care do I know what that decision means my will and my life have I been have I not made a searching and fearless moral inventory of myself I have to the best of my ability have I admitted to you God to myself and another human being the exact nature of my wrongs. I have the best of my ability. Carefully reading the first five proposals, we ask if we have omitted anything. God, is there anything left that you need for me to be aware of that will be in between me and you? Please tell me now. There were four. I wrote them in my book. they're erased because they've been cleaned up but there were four every question every statement I ask myself have I omitted anything I'm building this arch that I can walk a free man is my work solid so far God is my word solid so far every statement are the stones properly in place have I got every stone in place God see it's not between me and my sponsor it's between me and my God right have I skimped on the truth put into the foundation now is there anything I've left out here have I tried to make mortar without sand and then I turned the page if I can answer to my satisfaction I then look at step six I then look at step six I became entirely ready to have God remove these defects of character. We've emphasized willingness as being indispensable. Are we now ready to let God remove from us all the things which we have admitted are objectionable? At some level, I was appalled at what I knew was the truth because I believed in all of those resentments. I believed en all of them and they weren't true. but everything that was in me I believed in those and the truth is that they were harms because of my participation that's the truth and what happens when you get to that point I'm appalled at my own behavior and my own beliefs and what isn't true yes God please take them all from me every bit of it can you now take them all everyone if we still cling to something we will not let go we ask that God to help us be willing and I ask God even if I'm not conscious of it will you please take it because I'm all in when ready we say something like this my creator I'm now willing that you should have all of me good and bad I pray that you now remove from me every single defect of character which stands in the way of my usefulness to you and my fellows grant me strength as I go out from here to do your bidding. Amen. We have then completed step seven. Anybody want to share about their experiences with step seven? You know, what was interesting was I left the cemetery that day and I had an aunt that was buried in that cemetery. I could throw a rock from my sponsor's house to their house we went there every Christmas and Thanksgiving just about Westover Drive and I go there to take care of this work and I ask God will take me to Aunt Charlene I'm not sure where she's at would you please lead me there and so I didn't know and I just kind of went and I didnít find her spot but after I was done with 6 and 7 and I went down to the office and I said, where's Aunt Charlene? And so she marked it and highlighted the way. And I was only a couple of feet from Aunt Charlène and she was in Serenity Gardens. And I went and I paid my respects to Aunt CharlENE and as I was leaving the cemetery that day there was a bench. I took a picture of it. It was very poignant. It glowed. and I said I will always be with you and I just had a spiritual experience and I came home and that night about 3 or 4 o'clock in the morning my mom took her last breath on the day I entered the world of the spirit my mom was there imagine that so it's kind of I don't know if you guys I'm sure you probably heard we use three letters to describe the indescribable G-O-D yeah because you can't write that kind of stuff really you can not it is the experience that's what it is and you know from that day to this I have been trying with whatever ability to do what God put in front of me and you now last year I was going to apply to get my real estate license and I had a bunch of people write me letters of recommendation for character references and there was one item that I didn't address with the Department of Real Estate and that was a certificate for rehabilitation because I just didn't believe it would be possible for somebody like me to be given, not with the stuff I did. They're not giving me one of those. And Jim Dover just got one and I was referred to Jim and Jim gave me the lady's number and she works at the public defender's office and that's what she does is she files for these certificates of rehabilitation and so I called her and I explained to her the circumstances and the situation and she said, well we've got a new judge in there. He just came in in January and he hasn't made a ruling on your type. You're kind of a, it's an either or case. It's either seven years from conviction or seven years from discharge of parole that they can grant these. And I was convicted in 2004, so I certainly fit that category, but I've only been off parole a year and a half. And she said, well, you just use a test case. And so I took the case that I wrote for the Department of Real Estate to present my case to them on why I was a real estate broker and I'm convicted with all these felonies. and this is like a seven page letter that I wrote for that judge and yesterday I read that again there's a lot of stuff I mean, I didn't wait to be told what I needed to do I brought a $2,000 check sentencing, I'm being sentenced to prison I brought an $2.000 check to start my restitution and when I got to prison if there was a class or a group or a meeting that would help me in any way, I was in over 110 Alcoholics Anonymous meetings 125 Narcotics Anonymous meetings I mean there's a whole binder of classes that I've taken and I come home and it just is a mass of stuff and I never stop, look that's not my business my business is to help you and to do what's in front of me and to look at the volume of stuff that has been done since I was convicted is really amazing. Really amazing. I mean, I've completed the entire coursework for another master's degree. I'm sponsoring 25 to 30 people actively. I do book studies and I try to help as much as I can and you know what? It's actually possible. What was impossible is actually possible that I can go stand in front of a judge and it doesn't really matter whether he does or he doesn't grant me a certificate of rehabilitation. It really doesn't change the fact of what we do or why we do it. It's because of you people. It's Because of what people like you have done in my life. You took me when nobody else would. I'm looking at 34 years in prison and guilty of every bit of that. Society was ready to throw away the key on me, and they should have. I'm absolutely guilty. And so whether or not I get this certificate is really beside the point. It won't change the fact of what we do. Because this is Alcoholics Anonymous, and I owe a debt that I can never repay. You can't repay this kind of stuff. You can. you took me you loved me you continue to love me good and seemingly not so good right and so what else am I supposed to do with that it's like when I told my dad words just don't do it words don't mean anything dad what means is what we do because it's not what we think it's what we say it's not because we need or want it's because of what we do and because of what people like you and my family have done for me and I owe you everything it's a debt that I owe and I don't care if I ever make a million dollars I don' t I mean I have all of my needs taken care of I live in a pretty decent house I get people that come here every week that want to get into this book and study this solution folks come through here and work steps all the time I'm reasonably happy and confident in my own skin because of this process and new people didn't mean to turn it into a lecture anybody have any experience with the steps? we could go into 8 and 9 but I kind of thought maybe this would be a good part 4, 5, 6 and 7 right yes sir I have a question about the the end is that true about how it completes step 3 or something or like the completion of the step yes great question step 3 doesn't have an amen and there are prayers peppered throughout until that point in the book and so um I've got them typed out on a sheet you can have the sheet and it gives you all the prayers going all the way through that work. Oh, you got one last week. Okay, yeah. So the fact is that inventory work can't be done without God. And so every time I would get together with my sponsor, we would pray, ask for these conditions, go in and do the inventory work. It's a long process. It's really a long progress for me. But I can tell you in my experience, this is exactly the part of this process where you will get out of it what you put into it. No more and no less. If you try to cheat God, you're only cheating yourself. If you trying to lie to God, you're lying to yourself. When in doubt, put it out. I'm a real estate broker. So in California, when in doubt disclose. That's what I was taught in real estate. In this process, when in debt, put it down. I would rather get it out where it might not be necessary than miss something that I shouldn't have. Just like on the amends part, I would rather make an amend where one might not have been necessary than to miss one that I should have made. And that's why, on that end of the scale, when I get to an amend, I'll take all five. I have been selfish, dishonest, self-seeking, frightened, and inconsiderate. For that, I'm truly sorry. Because I'm going to take them all. Because at that point, it's about smashing my pride. My pride needs smashing. More is good for me. I need to smash my pride, so I'm gonna take all 5 of them even if it might not have been necessary does that make sense well it's more humbling for me and I need to be humbled somebody with an ego like mine needs to be humble the pride needs to being smashed absolutely needs to be and it's not something that somebody can do it's something that I need to do because at that point why do we make amends it's for the relationship with God not people absolutely and with that in mind then it doesn't matter none of the stuff matters it's just stuff I mean I'll tell you on Saturday night we left the speaker meeting and I went by my crime partner's house and she said what? that's who we went by? yeah it is I mean, the uncle threatened to kill me. I went to the door and I made my amends and I went by the house and I looked and I kept driving and I told Allie, I said, well that was my crime partner's house. She said, you what? Yes. I went buy there. Kind of like when I go to the social meetings or the meat markets. I never have my eyes open but I keep a check on my internal state and I went by that house and nothing changed. I'm checking my step work. My internal state didn't change at all. I can tell you the circumstances with my crime partner. She took a car and put it in her name. When we got in trouble, sold it for $5,000 to pay for her attorney. Took computers and sold them. I mean, thousands and thousands of dollars. Resentment and harm, the whole ball of wax. I have done 4 through 9 I have applied the solution and I went by there and there is no change at all none I'm checking my spiritual fitness this shit really works it really does in my own experience so my dad who passed away just in the last couple of months I was with him for many years we got really sick together and uh you know i get sober he's not sober we're still living in the same house he's drinking i'm working the steps with the sponsor and i'm staying sober get around making amends do all the inventory get around the part where i'm going to make amends meanwhile the process i start acting um anyways bottom line is start working the program what i need to say is that in my last drunk, within 48 hours of calling the hotline of Alcoholics Anonymous and somebody being in service to me that night, I picked up the biggest piece of firewood that I could find and I hit him over the head with it. And that's the insanity. There's all kinds of things that have played up to that but the bottom line is I know I would have harmed him spiritually which I saw in my own inventory process. I apparently harmed him a little physically too in the process. So what happens is I go through the process along with taking the steps I also do some other things too that are necessary for me to get right with my creator putting out of mind the wrongs of others I'm not here to tell you what he did to me we were together for ten years in this disease and what happens along the way is I make amends to him and he after a while he got sober to himself and after a little while he was able to do what he needed to do in his program which was get right with his creator along the way I got to be part of that somehow indirectly in history and on that part it was sweet to see it happen fast forward we were in rooms together for a long time you know I meet my new husband in sobriety and along theway I've taken the steps over again too and reviewed the five proposals myself on more than one occasion checking my own spiritual wellness with my creator and what ends up happening is he ends up dying And when we get back from Connecticut, he asks my husband, you know, because my husband's practicing his principles. And somewhere along the line, everything gets flipped over, and I'm always amazed halfway before I'm through. So we get to California. He offers Ray a job, which blew me away, blows me away. Ray decides not to take it for his own reasons. The next thing that happens is, you see him and I are practicing principles. He ends up dying from cancer this year past. But what he does is him and I have kept our sides of the street clean now, you know. And he's able to call me up and tell me that he's dying from a terminal illness. And we're able to share that conversation, he and I. And, you Know, I put down the phone, and because of this program and the principles of it and being right with my creator and just trying to keep myself and the street cleaned, this program worked over and over and ever again, I'm able to ask my husband to be in service to me. And with an understanding that whatever Ray and I decide together that i would i would abide in that you know and uh and what happens is race was okay and i'm asking him if i could go be in service to my ass and so in a very very very little teeny way you know we get to suit up and show it behind the scenes one more time quietly and humbling practicing the principles of this program along with the traditions i got to admit and uh it'd be a very small part of my act passing away as a sober member of alcohol moment blows me away blows me way you know same thing happens with my first sponsor you know my sponsor my other sponsor takes me through the traditions of all things the seventh tradition along with the principles of this program doing like my inventory all the way through my first sponsor dying man leaving out of mind the wrongs of others everybody's showing up on the scene at death's door responding in very different ways and I'm practicing the program of alcohol and um when that first sponsor of mine passed away you know it was clean between me and her you can bet it was she was the first person i had examining in these rooms i loved her to death man i loved her to the death i was also with her for the last seven months of her life and not working and helping her walk up into death practicing this program and um you know the days the weekend that she actually died um i went to her but at the end i couldn't go no more i was taken away with me and he'd sit outside and talk to her old man you know who drove me crazy and uh and then i never had to come back i got to let him come to me when it was all over he told me he had a resentment to me because he didn't know that i was practicing principles of alcoholism on this he didn t know that i was um they were telling me about the seventh tradition and how i would help him become self-supporting and how he would show up for his wife my sponsor because it would be him that he would he he would need she would need him at the end of the day and they were right man i started backing away as i was moving forward to be helpful but all along i'm backing up showing him how to do it and he was one that needed to do all the stuff that i was doing hands-on all the all the stuff that it was amazing at the end of the day when she passed away um i was done i was uh i was fed and i knew it and those epiphanies i knew i was done i knew it was done as i knew it was done there's no more i needed to do so i went I went to her on a Friday night and said, I'm going up to the mountain to go be with Sister B. I'm gonna leave and I'm goin' to the mountains. And she got up out of bed that last day, you know she hadn't been out of head for a little bit by then, and she got on the couch and peed for about half an hour or so, you know, ready to do what he did, outside talkin' to her old man, you know? And me and my girlfriend got to say goodbye to that first bond to mine, and we laughed and we cried again, and I slept and I went up in the mountains and I was right in the sunlight, just where it's been all this time, right on the side of this little embankment I remember just talking to my creator, you know. And she needed to move on her journey and she died that weekend, you now. She died within 24 hours. It was just amazing. There have been many, many, many of experiences I've had here with my creator along the way. And just doing the next right thing, which is really pretty much right in here. Just kind of keep on doing what you guys teach me to do. And it's just been an amazing journey over and over and ever again. And God just keeps suiting up and showing off and providing for me what I need one day at a time. And I stayed sober through it all. I was also somebody with six years to buddy driving around with her boyfriend after that, you know, in my car. And I didn't find it necessary to get loaded instead I talked to my sponsor about it, you now. And I worked this program around it and that's how God showed up again one more time, you Now. And how my thinking showed up too, you Know. You should save it. You never know if you might need it. You don't have medical insurance yet, you know. I didn't have to get nothing, you now. Thank you very much for sharing. Does anybody have anything else? I want to thank you for your time this evening. We'll close in the usual manner.