The Spiritual Malady and Unmanageability – 12 Step Study – Hofstra University – Part 2 of 2 – Joe H.

It's abundantly confirmed that once I put alcohol in my system, something happens which makes it virtually impossible for me to stop. Don't go any further until your experience absolutely abundantly confirms that, either with drugs or alcohol or both or whatever it is you're looking at that you might be powerless over. Then we talked about going from 23 to 43 to look at this mental obsession thing, This thing that takes place before the first drink. And continuing to turn the statements the book makes into questions for yourself so you can fully concede to your innermost self. If the answers are out here in that book, you cannot fully conceed in here. But if we find the right questions in thatbook, you can fully concede down here if you look for the answers in here." Concession means the place where a question is answered. the place of concession is deep down within not up here and not out here in another place another place that we're going to begin to go another place we're gonna begin to live from another place that we can be taken to another place where God is the book calls it different things fourth dimension spirit of the universe um fourth dimension great reality the place where God is the consciousness of the presence of God. Look for that within yourself. I feel so sad when I hear people say that God comes through other people and they just kind of leave it at that. Of course, God comes through other people. But thank God some of the people God was coming through said, why don't you look within yourself and find the same thing we found so God can come through you too into the lives of other people? Because He's there in the middle of the night and He's there when there's not a meeting, and He's there when there's nobody to talk to, and he's there on the beach in Mexico where there's no AA, and His there on the top of the Himalayas. He's wherever you go because where you are, God is. And all you do this work for except to help others, which is the most important thing, is to be able to be still and know that God is there. That's what 10 and 11 are all about. Getting current. Getting up to the moment to be there present in the moment for other people and to experience the presence of god there is nothing else the rest is all trappings the rest of the stuff that we all get lost in we talked about how to use we agnostic we talked about how to use forty four forty five in the middle of page fifty two just to look at the unmanageability the second half of step one once you get past identifying the symptoms which are the craving and the obsession, body and mind. We talked about this unmanageability being a spiritual malady, an internal condition. We talkedabout untreated alcoholism. We talkedabout a spiritualmalady. We talked about unmanangeability all being the same thing rather than three separate things and that that state of being is internal, not external and maybe we should quit blaming the unmanigeability on anything or anyone outside of us and once again look within see the great news for me is if the problem is within and the problem is of my own making and the problems within me nobody in the world has to change for me to get free because I don't know about you but I lived a long time waiting for things and people outside of me to change or get better so I could get free and it doesn't happen that way you'd be surprised when you start looking within how people outsideofyou that never changed for years and years and years, all of a sudden seemed different. We talked about how to use the chapter to the agnostic to look at two parts to step two. Two basic considerations that the book makes. Do you now believe or are you even willing to believe that there is a power greater than yourself? We talked about if you've been around for a while, adding something to that to make that consideration valid for you however long you might be sober and that is a power that can take me beyond where i am in every area of my life and using page 52 that we use to look at the unmanageability that takes you through every area of your life to make that consideration then we looked at how to take the second half of step two that this choice that god is either everything or nothing we talked about two specific assignments to do with that chapter to make those two considerations we moved into the third step We talked about reviewing what you've done through the ABCs. We talked About looking at the first requirement, which is that my life run on self-will cannot be a success. Am I convinced of that? We talked ABOUT looking at that as a requirement before taking the third step. Then we looked at the third-step decision. And then however, a couple hundred of us got on our knees and stood here together and did it in our own way. And we did the third Step prayer together. It was extremely powerful for me. I hope it was great for every one of you in your own way. We talked about a three-part inventory. Resentment, four columns. We talked About Fear. We talkedabout trying some new stuff with the third column of both inventories. We talkedabout maybe trying a four-column fear inventory. A few things that aren't mentioned exactly precisely the way the book is, but we stuck to what the book says. or at least I tried to and then a sex inventory and then anything else in your consciousness that you haven't left out so when you get to the end of the fifth step you can answer this really important question that's going to come right at the end of the first step that we're going to cover here in a minute and that's where we are Now, when you get to the end of that, you're on the bottom of page 70. And on the bottom of page 70 it says if you've been thorough about your personal house cleaning I'm sorry if you've been thorough about your personal inventory you've written down a lot you've listed and analyzed your resentments you've begun to comprehend their futility and their fatality question, have I? remember we're always continuing to turn every statement we read into a question for ourselves we've commenced to see resentments to terrible destructiveness we've begun to learn tolerance, patience and goodwill toward all men even our enemies for we look on them as sick people remember it says like ourselves we've listed the people we've hurt by our conduct and we're willing to straighten out the past if we can in this book you read again and again that faith will do for you what you cannot do for yourself we hope you are convinced now that God can remove whatever self-will has blocked you off from Him Do I believe that? If you've already made a decision, step three. And an inventory of your grosser handicaps, step four. You've made a good beginning. That being so, you've swallowed and digested some big chunks of truth about yourself. And if you've swallowed big chunks OF truth, you've swallow big chunks Of God. Because God is truth. Having made your personal inventory, what are we going to do about it? You've been trying to get a new attitude and a new relationship with your Creator and to discover the obstacles in your path. Very important statement about this work that we're doing and that we are about to do in Step 4 and 5. Let me read it again. I'm trying to find a new way to live my life. I'm going to try to get anew attitude and anew relationship with my Creator and to discover the obstacles in my path between me and my Creator, me and you, and me and myself. I've admitted certain defects and I've ascertained in a rough way what the trouble is. I've put my finger on some of the weak items in my personal inventory. Now these are about to be cast out. This requires action on my part. which when completed will mean that I have admitted to God, to myself and to another human being the exact nature of my defects. Let's look at the short form for just a second because I think sometimes I've lost sight of that in the fifth step thinking that I want you to analyze me or give me a lot of feedback or turn it into a therapy session. And I think sometimes those of us that get involved in really doing the long form of the steps, which are between the first and 164th page, we sometimes lose sight of the way it's stated in the short form. The short form says that we admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs. Now, I don't go into this to find my shortcomings, my defects, where I was at fault, where my troubles are of my own making or where I was wrong to beat myself up. That's just more self-centered, selfish stuff. That is just ego. I always thought ego was me thinking I am probably the greatest guy in the room. It is the same ego that tries to tell me I am the worst guy in the room because either one separates me from you and that is the function of my ego to keep me separate from you, to keep me separate from me and what I really am, and to keep me separate from God. To put me back on a bar stool and kill me. This brings us to the fifth step in the program of recovery mentioned in the preceding chapter. This is perhaps difficult, especially discussing your defects with another person. You think you've done well enough in admitting these things to yourself, there's doubt about that. In actual practice, you'll usually find that a solitary self-appraisal is insufficient. Many of us thought it necessary to go much further. You'll be more reconciled to discussing yourself with another person when you see good reasons why you should do so. The best reason first, if you skip this vital step, you may not overcome drinking. Let me read that again. If you skip this vital step, you may not overcome drinking. Time after time, newcomers and old-timers and people in between have tried to keep to themselves certain facts about their lives. Trying to avoid this humbling experience, they've turned to easier methods. Therapy. Dumping. Using AA like therapy. Drinking. Almost invariably, they got drunk. Having persevered with the rest of the program, they wondered why they fell. We think the reason is they never completed their house cleaning. They took inventory all right, but they hung on some of the worst items in stock. They only thought they had lost their egoism and fear. They only though that they had humbled themselves. But they hadn't learned enough of humility, fearlessness, and honesty in the sense that we find it necessary until they told someone else all their life story. Isn't it sad people in this program have taken that one line, what, one, two, three, four words after all the directions for step four and made inventory into an autobiography discounting all the preceding instructions? You do a thorough resentment inventory for your first time going back through your life a thorough fear inventory and a thorough sex inventory and all the secrets that you're consciously aware of that aren't in that inventory and by the time you're done reading it you will have told someone your entire life story. Why? Because our lives are filled with resentments, dishonesty selfishness, self-seeking and fear and frivolous casual sex with meaningless people that we don't even care about. More than most people, I lead a double life. I'm very much the actor. To the outer world, I present my stage character. This is the one I like my fellows to see. I want to enjoy a certain reputation, but I know in my heart I don't deserve it. This inconsistency is made worse by the things I do on my sprees. That can be drinking or that can be self-will sober. Sprees. We all know about sprees, sober. Coming to my senses, I'm revolted at certain episodes I vaguely remember, drunk and sober. These memories are a nightmare. I tremble to think someone might have observed me. As fast as I can, I push these memories far inside myself. I hope they will never see the light of day. I'm under constant fear and tension. That makes for more drinking or self-will. Psychologists are inclined to agree with us. We've spent thousands of dollars for examinations. We know but few instances where we have given these doctors a fair break. We've seldom told them the whole truth, nor have we followed their advice. Unwilling to be honest with these sympathetic men, we were honest with no one else. Small wonder many in the medical profession have a low opinion of alcoholics and our chance for recovery. we must be entirely honest with somebody if we expect to live long or happily in this world do I believe that rightly and naturally I think well before choosing the person or persons with whom to take this intimate and confidential step I never knew the book suggested you can do it with more than one person sat with some mad dogs last night from Buffalo who have done a lot of that My great-grandsponsor, Paul Martin from Chicago, has been doing this work for 49 years. Their groups do that consistently, constantly. Matter of fact, my great-grant sponsor, who Paul sponsors, Gary B. from Indianapolis, Indiana, at 26 years old... Though we have no religious connection, we still might do well to talk with someone ordained by an established religion. I often find such a person quick to see and understand my problem. Of course, I sometimes encounter people who do not understand alcoholics. If we cannot or would rather not do this, we search our acquaintance for a closed-mouthed, there's a guiding principle, closed-mouthed understanding friend. I have never revealed anything from anyone's fifth step to anyone else by name ever, including to my sponsor. It's very confidential and it's a great honor to be asked to hear someone's fifth steps and it's an extremely powerful process. One or more than one, year after year after year, it's a very powerful experience to hear one. Perhaps a doctor or psychologist will be the person. It might be one of our family but don't disclose anything to them that might hurt them and make them unhappy. You have no right to save your own skin at at another person's expense. Such parts of your story you tell to someone who will understand yet be unaffected. There's a guiding principle. The rule is we must be hard on ourselves and always considerate of others. Never heard that as a topic in an AA meeting. Notwithstanding the great necessity, I mean, I hear mostly it means the wonderful things we're supposed to do to be nice to ourselves. notwithstanding the great necessity for discussing ourselves with someone it may be that one is situated there's no suitable person available I don't think that fits anyone in this room if so the step may be postponed only however if you hold yourself in complete readiness to go through with it at the first opportunity we say this because we are very anxious to talk to the right person it is important that he be able to keep a confidence there's a guiding principle that he fully understand and approve of what we're driving at there's a guiding principle that he will not try to change my plan he must not use this as a mere excuse to postpone if you finish a fourth step and you call your sponsor or whoever you decide to read it to and they try to make you wait, they do not know about doing this work when you decide who's to hear your story waste no time, you have a written inventory you're prepared for a long talk, explain to them what you are about to do and why you have to do it. Those of you who are about to do a fifth step or those of you that are about to hear a fifth stop, let them sit for a few minutes when they come to your house and consider that question. And before you start, have them explain to you what it is they think they're about to do and how they're going to do that. And why they have to go through it. And it's a very powerful consideration to make and to explain to who you're reading it to. A Native American man left me on the 12,000 foot cliff sitting on this rock after finishing my fourth step and we made an appointment to fifth step and I drove down to see him took me to this place he wanted to take me to and we're sitting out on this ledge and he opens the book and he hands it to me and he said think about that sentence and I'll be back to get you in a little while and there I am on this 12,00 foot peak and I'm thinking about what it is I'm about to do and why I have to do it. And I had an extremely powerful experience. The person I'm reading it to should realize that I'm engaged upon a life-and-death errand. Most people approached in this way will be glad to help. They will be honored by my confidence. I've always been honored to hear someone's fist step. That doesn't mean some haven't been boring. that doesn't mean I don't feel like falling asleep because it sounds just like me and I've yet to hear one where there was anything in it that didn't describe me too I find out a lot about myself hearing a fifth step especially when I haven't done one for a while I can sometimes tell from a fifth stop that it's time for me to do the work again because it'll bring all this stuff up. Pocket your pride and go to it, illuminating every twist of character in every dark cranny of the past. Stop. Draw a line. Don't go any further until you can say you've done the next line and read or listen because the next slide says once having taken this step. So remember, since the third step prayer, we haven't gone past one line we haven'T done. We've used the book as a check mark. Have I done that? Have I listed people, institutions, and principles with whom I am angry? Check. Have I asked myself why I'm angry? Check. Have I found self-esteem, pride, ambition? Check. Have I seen my part? Have Ilisted in black and white selfishness, dishonesty, self-seeking, and fear? Check. We've never gone past one line until we've done it. Now, I don't like to share sometimes spooky kind of weird experiences that I've had from time to time. But I told you the other night about a little ex-gangster crip gang member from south central Los Angeles I used to sponsor. His second fist step, it wasn't certainly as big as his first one and it was, you know, a few hours. his second, fifth step with me. We were sitting in my living room and I live overlooking the beach in Santa Monica and there's big picture windows and they were open. And he finished his reading, Resentment, Fear, Sex, The Ideal, Secrets, everything he had written. And I read the next line and I said, once having taken this step withholding nothing, I said GW, have you withheld anything? And he paused for a second and he thought about that before we went on. And he said, there's nothing I'm consciously aware of that I've withheld. And I've experienced power before, tremendous surges, especially in meditation or going to that quiet place within where the power comes and you feel it flowing inside of you. I've had that before. But into the room, through the windows, started to flow this feeling that was coming from the outside. into the room of delight or power. I felt like it was tickling me. He was scared to death and thought I was laughing at him. He said, do you feel that? And I said, yeah, and it lasted for about ten minutes. And it's never happened since and it never happened before. But it says here, once we have taken this step, withholding nothing, we are delighted. To me, that's how it felt. But I've also experienced that myself after reading the fifth step. My own experience with delight. And now we've got some promises that seem to me come before page 83, which leads me to believe maybe those aren't the only ones once again. It says we'll be able to look the world in the eye. That I can be alone at perfect peace and ease. What has anybody else in this room ever wanted but that? What have I ever wanted but that, and can that really happen for me, having just done everything from page 1 to 75? It really can. It really can. My fears begin to fall from me. I begin to feel the nearness of my Creator. I may have had certain spiritual beliefs, but now I begin to have a spiritual experience. The feeling that the drink problem has disappeared will often come strongly. I might feel as I'm on the broad highway walking hand in hand with the spirit of the universe, and now an exercise to do when I return home. I usually do this the day I get home, but I'm usually pretty tired, so I try to do it again. And I do it as many times as I need to until we meet the requirement on the next page, which we'll get to in a minute. But here's what it asks me to do. Some people think this is step six. It's not. This is the end of step five. Because the next page will say, now we're at step six. Returning home, I'm going to find a place where I can be quiet for an hour. One time this little voice said, do you really think that place is just external? A room in your home? Or is it a place that I can find a quiet place? Is it a space where I could be quiet? That we've talked about since we did the third step. And it didn't matter to me where I was sitting. that mattered to me where I was able to go, sitting. My first fifth step, I didn't return home because I didn' t have one yet. I returned to where I got the message of Alcoholics Anonymous and sat at the treatment center I had been at seven or eight months earlier. That's just where I wa s directed to go after my first fifth tip. I hadn' t thought of that in a long time. Carefully review what you've done. You do that how it's directed to you to do that, by your own intuition, because now it's time to start to trust a new sense that's grown out of you or been given to you. A sixth sense. It's not sight, it's not smell, it's no taste, it's touch, it's hearing. But it's all five of those put together into a sixth one. a sense that this book promises you you will be given and that you can come to rely on you start to trust it and it's called intuition it's call your thought life being placed on a much higher plane thank God from the bottom of your heart that you know Him better and I'm just baffled because I think to myself how do I know God better I've just been looking at myself for six hours And you know what came to me? In these last six hours, I've found out a lot about what God isn't. And if you find out a little bit more about what He is, and you find a lot of what God is not, you find the light about what he is. And I've also discovered a lot in these last few hours in my fifth step about what blocks me from God. And if I've discovered the things that block me from Him, and they can be removed, then I know what God really is better. And I really have been involved in a process where I can say, Thank you, God, for letting me know You better. Take the book down and turn to the page which contains the 12 steps. Carefully read the first five on page 59 and ask if you have omitted anything. Anything. I know a guy, a good friend of ours, Barry, who returned home and did this and got free that he wasn't alcoholic but he's just an addict in doing returning home. for you're building an arch through which you'll walk a free man at last now i told you that there's going to be a few sentences where if we haven't been thorough from the very first these sentences would be really confusing as to what do these people mean here because imagine if you hadn't really followed along with the book up to this page but your sponsors somehow sent you home to do what's on this page and you read the next three or four sentences, what in the world would you think they meant? Are the stones properly in place? What in the word are they talking about? Well, they're talking about the cornerstone on page 47 which is my willingness to believe at the second step. They're talking about the keystone on page 62 which is decision about step 3 and then there'll be another one later at step 12 to finish out the arch. Have I skimped on the cement put into the foundation? What are they talking about? Well, the foundation is my first step. The cement was described on page 17. Equal parts of the common problem mixed with equal parts of a common solution. Am I trying to make this cement without sand? What does that mean to me? To me that means, am I trying to get recovery without fellowship or fellowship without recovery? Am I trying to mix these, am i mixing the cement with equal parts? So I sit with those questions until I'm satisfied because now we're going to notice between page 75 and page 76 it's only one page but it's a million light years because now they're going begin to ask you to trust what you've been given. All the way up here they've made all this all these negative comments from time to time about you can't trust your own mind the main problem centers in your mind you canít trust your own thinking self-will doesnít work and now you move from the end of a fifth step after returning home and now theyíre going to ask you to start to trust your mind to trust to your intuition because my book says when Iíve answered to my own satisfaction then look at step six trust the power trust what youíve been given. You're not alone in this work anymore. We've emphasized willingness as being indispensable. I love when I hear somebody in AA say there's not much for six and seven in the big book. There's enough for six or seven in the big book to last a lifetime, in two paragraphs. And there's a set of questions I need to consider. question number one am I now ready to let God remove from me all the things I have admitted are objectionable yes or no question number two can he now take them all every one let's add one from the ABCs and from the 12 and 12 after can he let's just add a real simple one that changes my state of consciousness and that is will he for me as I am with all this stuff on my face that I've just admitted? Will He now take them all? Everyone. Because I've never had a problem with Kenny just by the example you people set for me in Alcoholics Anonymous. I know that he can. But there seems to be this anxiety after a fifth step where I'm really kind of anxious to get on with it. And I'm kind of overwhelmed by my defects rather than free of them. I'm just more aware of self and its terrible destructiveness. And I have this eagerness and for some reason, every single time asking can He doesn't really change my state of consciousness. But when I really sit with the question do I believe He will for me with all this mud on my face just as I am it kind of changes me to the first word in the seventh step which is humble, humbly then I ask if I'm still not willing to let go of anything and I'm going to ask God to help me be willing how do you know that if you don't look back through the inventory so let me share one of my more powerful experiences with six from a couple times ago Well, this time it was just I was a bloody pulp because I read the inventory to four different people over a ten-day period and went on a three-day spiritual retreat. And by the end of those two days, there was no apprehension. There was no doubt. There was not a doubt. There was nothing to wonder about. Was there anything I wasn't willing to let go of? I was willing. I had fifth step with four different People, extremely powerful processes, and been on a spiritual retreat for three days. And I was just ready. But the time before that, here's what I did. I did returning home three or four times until I was satisfied. And I trust that. If I'm not, I do it again. If I're not, I do it again. If I am not, I do it again. And then I did it again and I was satisfied that I had answered the questions in returning home on the bottom of the previous page. Went to bed. Next day I got up and started to look at step six. And I read it like this. We've emphasized willingness as being indispensable. Yeah, I don't know why they put that anyway. I know that. I glossed over it and I got to the first question. Am I now ready to let God remove from me all the things I have admitted are objectionable? And I said, yep. Can He now take them all every one? Yep. Do I believe He will for me just as I am. Yes, little effect. Then I read, if I still cling to something I'm not willing to let go, I ask God to help me be willing. And this little voice said, look back through the inventory and list anything you can find, behavior, beliefs, or defects that you're not willing to let it go. And I went back through the directory. It took me about 30 minutes and I listed six things. I forgot if they were behaviors, beliefs or defects or a combination of all three but there were six things and then it says ask God to help me be willing so I started to use that as a prayer then this little voice says now read the questions again dummy that you just glossed over and I went am I now ready to let God remove from me all the things I've admitted are objectionable? And the answer was, no. Can He now take them all, every one? I don't know. Will He for me? And you know what I said to myself? I'm willing to believe that He will. And I saw what they meant by willingness is indispensable. That's all I was. Then I called this Native American man and I said, I found six things in my inventory I'm not willing to let go. And I thought he was going to say, you poor child, you just go on anyway. You know what he said? He said, you've been around long enough to quit playing that game. It's a stupid game. You're fooling yourself. Sit with those things until you're willing to let them go. And I had a really interesting week. I had an amazing I had had a really interesting week because I was honest once again to admit where I was. And where I wasn't Santa Monica trying to get to New York. Where I was was unwilling to let go of a few things and I wasn't ready to meet the requirement in the next sentence which says, when ready. I wasnít ready. So I merely sat with my unwillingness to letgo of six things until it came. And believe me, within a week it came and I was willing. It was a very interesting week and I believe it was really interesting because I was wiling to admit where I honestly was and where I honestly was, was unwilling to let go of six things from that inventory. When I was willing to let it all go, I called Him and He said, now do step seven. Which says when ready... No, I'm sorry. Which says, when ready, we say something like this. My Creator, I am now willing that You should have all of me, good and bad. I pray that You now remove from me every single defect of character which stands in the way of my usefulness to you and my fellows. Grant me strength as I go out from here to do your bidding. Amen. And that's the amen to the prayer that we did yesterday. That's the end of the third step prayer. There was no amen at the end of the prayer we read in our book because everything from three to seven is part of a prayer that I have been safe and protected in. but I think you should go through the seven step prayers a set of questions and really ask yourself are you ready to ask this am I really willing that God should have all of me the good and the bad wonder why they say the good and the good and the bad because usually after a fifth step you don't know the difference because some of your greatest qualities have caused a lot of harm and some of your worst defects have done a lot of good and you have that feeling you better give it all up because you don't know which is which I pray that you now remove from me every single defect of character I've started to drift into a thing where I start to say unconsciously and sometimes out loud because we use this prayer at my home group at the end of the meeting to close the meeting I've sometimes found myself saying I pray that you remove from me every single defective character which stands in the way of my usefulness to you and my fellows. And it seems like I'm praying for people that are bothering me to get out of the way. And I forget that I'm asking for every defect of my character. So I've started putting that word my in there just for me kind of. Grant me strength as I go out from here to do your bidding. it's funny I'm not asking God to remove every single defect of character which stands in the way of me and feeling better it's that I'm asking for this stuff to be removed that stands between me and my usefulness to God and my fellows and I'm asking for strength to go out and do God's bidding so I guess you kind of need to ask yourself am I really ready to go outside and go out and do God's bidding because I believe just like the third step decision you make it at a sincere level you're never the same my sponsor describes it as life is your life is no longer any of your business but you follow up with this prayer and the action in between four five six and then do seven I also believe another dramatic shift takes place and you're never the same. I do not and never have spent much time between 6, 7, and 8 because it's a great oasis and it's wonderful to take a breath, but it's also a dangerous place to get lost. And I move right in. I know when I've done 6 and 7 when I'm doing 8. Don't worry about working 6 and 9 or 6 and seven. No one in this room will ever remove their defects or shortcomings. I think we give those to God. it's a waste of time listing your defects working on them what order you're going to work on them how you're gonna work on him it's just a stupid people working 6 and 7 aren't working 6 and 7 I'll tell you what people working 6and7 are doing everything they can to keep from doing 8 and 9 now we need more action without which we find that faith without works is dead. Let me share one thing with you about that slogan or phrase from our book. I got to this once and I had to come to terms with faith without work is dead because it no longer fit with my conception of God because He demands nothing of me for His love or the faith He gives me. And I had come to comes with faith without works is dead because it sounds like we're dealing with a God that says, if you don't do this, you're not going to get this. And I had to resolve that. And I resolved that by finding out that I'm not going go through this works to get faith from God to earn or deserve anything. I do it to appease my own spirit so I can be open to receiving what's already been given without any works. I hope we're not dealing with a God here we have to earn anything from or that we have to be deserving of to receive. Because then it's about justice. And I'm not here today looking for justice. I'd rather receive grace and mercy. Let's look at steps eight and nine. Let's start with eight. We have a list of persons we have harmed and become willing to make amends. I'm sorry. We have a list of all persons we have harmed and to whom we are willing to make Amends. We made it when we took inventory, which leads me to believe that when you're reading a fifth step, you should be making an Amends list. But being that it's a highly emotional experience sometimes, I might have missed a few things during the fifth step. So I go back and I review the entire inventory for any names that go on this Amends List. Then like every other list we've done sense resentment, fear, and sex. I'm going to pray and I'm going to ask God to show me any other amends that belong on that list that weren't in my inventory, that were not in my inventory because you know what? I've harmed some people I didn't resent or have sex with. And I work on that list until I know it's done. I've subjected myself to a drastic self-appraisal. Now I'm going to go out to my fellows and repair the damage done in the past. Mark that sentence because it's one of the reasons for step nine. I'm going to attempt to sweep away the debris which has accumulated out of my effort to live on self-will and run this show myself. If I haven't the will to do this, I'm gonna ask until it comes. Remember the only time, the only, this is the second time they've said remember. It was agreed at the beginning that you would go to any length for victory over alcohol. Great time to reaffirm that before you go any further because you really need to be clear on that as a question before you go into 9. Now, my sponsor then gave me an exercise I never thought was in the book until I read the book. I thought it was an exercise they gave him because he was locked up in the Colorado State Penitentiary when he got sober and he couldn't get out to make a lot of amends. And the assignment they gave them was when you know the amends list is done, pause at each name on your list and close your eyes and picture that person or institution face-to-face and ask the question, am I willing to do whatever this person or instituion might ask to make right the wrong and mark it plus or minus with whatever comes to you? Willing or not. And be honest. The ones you're not willing to put a minus by. The ones your willing to, put a plus by. And I had an amazing experience. It felt like when I was done with my list, I was overwhelmed by how many amends I owed. When I did this exercise I was clear on which ones I was and which ones I wasn't willing to do. Felt lighter and less overwhelming. And I asked Don how do I get the willingness to do the ones I put a negative by? He said great question do the one you put a positive by. And you know what I've never seen a person and do the ones they put a plus by and slowly but surely not get the willingness to do the one's they put a negative by before they get to the pile that they put a negative buy by doing the ones you put a positive buy. I'd hate to ever have to repeat that again. Then I read the book and I saw that the exercise is in the book and it says probably there are still some misgivings so I asked myself which ones do I have misgivens about? As we look over the list, so it is asking me to look over the list. I may feel diffident about going to some of them. Diffident means resistant. So, the book asked me, look over the list and see which ones you have misgivings or feel diffident about. And I was told to mark them, plus or minus. Then, can we stop just for a second? Address books, old phone books, old yearbooks anything you can find to take you back through your life because see it's now like making a resentment list except everybody that made my resentment list I don't owe amends to and everybody that did make my resentment list there might be some that didn't make my resentment list that I owe amends too that I didn't resent so I'm opening myself up to another list I'm asking God show me any amends I'm not aware of you can use whatever tools are at your disposal And I have a file of facts or a phone book with a day timer that has every single person in my life that I'm close to. This time I had 30 amends where I saw the harm in my inventory. And I put them on my eight-step list. And a friend of mine called me, and he said that he'd been talking to another friend of ours that we haven't seen for a while, and he asked our friend, where are you with the work? And our friend said to my friend, I just finished my amends for the third time. And my friend says to his friend, because they know each other well enough, he says, don't you kind of feel like you owe me some amends? And our other friend said to my friends, why would I owe you any amends if I didn't write about you? And I thought to myself, my God, the arrogance of that. Like if I haven't written about you, you don't exist. and the arrogance of there couldn't possibly be any harm that I'm not aware of because I'm all-knowing. And it jolted me because that's what I was starting to think, that there wasn't any other amends that didn't make my inventory because I was Mr. Clear. And I forget that I tell other people, pray and ask God to show you any other Amends and look through your phone books or whatever tools you have to look at. And this little boy said, Joe, look through Your Filofax. Look through your Phone Book. and I said a prayer and I would literally come to some names and I'd say, and I put them on my list of people I needed to ask just to clear the air. And I'll tell you how I do that when we get to the ninth step. Now I'm going to take these names off my list and after doing the exercise with plus or minus, I'm gonna fill out three by five cards. You'll find a page in our workbook or if you're just listening to this, just imagine the shape of a 3x5 card and here's what should be on that card. In the upper left-hand corner, you put their name, address, and phone number or if você não tem nada disso, você coloca a palavra FIND. Na parte de cima da esquerda, você coloca o plus ou o menos do seu exercício se você está disposto a fazer isso ou não. E então, no resto do cartão e na parte de trás do cartón e se você tiver que estapular mais cartões para aquele cartão you write out all the harm you're clear on of what you've done to that person or institution. And it doesn't mean you put on there, I was selfish, I was dishonest, I WAS self-seeking, I WAS AFRAID. No. You put, I LIED TO YOU ABOUT THIS, I STOLE $500, I PUNCHED YOU IN THE FACE, I DID THIS, I DIDN'T DO THIS, I DIDNT SHOW UP FOR THAT. Everything you're CLEAR ON that you did or didn't do that you think might have caused that person harm, you put it on the rest of that card. I needed then you're ready to put them in piles and I remember the story I told you yesterday about the kid who was born in England but raised by French parents but grew up in Hong Kong but went to private schools in England then came to South America then moved to Los Angeles and he had a huge inventory but he also had a big stack of cards and we put them in piles of continents. North America, South America, England, France, and Asia. That kid finished every amends about six months ago and he's absolutely on fire changing the face of Alcoholics Anonymous in Hong Kong where he lives. The week he finished his last amends, his father died and he inherited a ten million dollar business that he now runs in Hong Kung. He's working with drunks and he's working with addicts. And AA, where he lives, is changing. So when I get a guy who says, I'm not going to fly to Hoboken to make amends, I remind him of the story of my friend JP. And I guess the question is, once again, how free do you want to be? And an even more important question. You can write it down to ask yourself the next time you get to amends. Does making and finishing these amends have anything to do with whether I drink again because if it doesn't, you'll never finish amends and you'll really never get free to do 10 and 11. Now, the book does say and we will get to it in a little while, commence this way of living with 10 and11 as you clean up the past. So do what you can with step 10 throughout the day. Do what you came with step 11 throughout the date. Do what your came with 11 upon awakening. And do what your cam with step eleven before you go to bed at night. My suggestion would be learn how to use 10 and 11 to finish amends and stay focused in amends and that means doing 10 and11 and every time you pray or every time your mind or every day when you meditate make the focus take me to my next amends and give me the power to finish them all. That's how to do 10 and eleven to finish nine. And now we have to talk about another myth that you'll come up against in Alcoholics Anonymous that will make you feel really alone because 80% of the room is going to say you can't finish amends. You'll always be making amends Those are the same ones that said you canít go to Mexico. Youíll never be able to make amends to your dad. Heís been dead for nine years. You canít make amens to someone whoís dead. Theyíre the same oneís that are really saying God isnít everything. Because like I told you the other day, I can tell you about hundreds of people around this country that have finished every amends that they're consciously aware of and stay open for any new ones. Not that there won't ever be anymore. But can I get current to be here today? And even a better question, can I really be here present today to do 10 and 11 if I'm bound by anything from the past? If there's anything that's keeping me from the moment, can I really do 10 and 11? Can I really experience the consciousness of the presence of God if I'm bound to yesterday, the day before, or 20 years ago? I believe you can begin to practice prayer and meditation from your first day, getting on your knees and praying, please keep me sober, thanking Him at night and asking Him in the morning. And you can try to sit quietly. but I believe what you can do with 10 and 11 the day from your head to your heart goes the realization there are no amends that you owe to anyone anywhere from your entire life will be a day that you'll never forget except the days that will come after that no day will surpass the day that I realize there's no one in my life I haven't done to the best of the power I've been given to clean up than the days that come after that. When you're current, when you're awake, when you are alive, when you can be there. So I needed a format to make amends. Now I'm starting to sound like Larry. So I need a format for my sermon. I needed to make an amends It was such a deal, right? Two days in New York I'm staring to sound like a New Yorker, right ? I needed a format for making amends and first he gave me a general rule here's the rule if it's at all possible they should be done face to face the exception is on the phone or by letter or at a grave obviously if they're dead you're going to have to go to their grave if you don't know where their grave is whenever there's a question how am I going to make this amends the answer is always the same pray and trust what you're shown They were cremated. Ask God to show you where to go to make that amends. I don't know where their graveyard is. Ask God where you're supposed to go. Begin to trust God. Quit asking people for all your answers. Begin to entrust yourself and trust your intuition. Fill out the cards. The cards are done. You've got them in piles. Here's the piles. Those that I'm willing to do when I know where they are. Those thatI'm willingto do when I need to find. Those thati'm not willing todo when Iknowwheretheyare and those that I'm not willing to do and I need to find. Which pile do you start with? Obviously, the ones you're willing to do when you know where they are. And by the time you're through that pile, you'll have the willingness and you'll found some to do the next pile. By the time that pile is done, you'll had the willingness and you will have found some to do the next pile. And you too can reach a place where there's not one amends that you owe. And I just can't bring from my lips anymore to the best of your ability. And I just no longer can say, I do the steps to the best of my ability. Because you know if you've really done the steps and you've done step one, you know what the best thing is? The best of My ability is to be glued to a bar stool, unable to move, screwing everybody in My life over. So I really can't say the best-of-My-ability anymore. I'm given the grace of God and the power to carry that out. I'm giving the power to do these. I'm not doing these steps. The best-to-My ability would have been to get a little glimpse of one, let it scare me to death and never move on. If the power of God hadn't come into my life before the end of step one to move me to two, to move be to three, four, five, six, seven, eight, I haven't gotten through the steps on my own power to the best of my ability. I've seen in the first step the best that I can do is to be drunk no matter what. So maybe with the power of God that you can be given in doing 1 through 8 and starting on 9 and you don't settle for pooping out after your first 30 amends because you're feeling better after that first blast and you have a desire for more than just relief which you'll get from your first 20 or 30 amends if you really want some freedom. Ask God every morning and every night to give you the power to take you to your next amends and give youthe power to finish them all but I needed a format for making them and it's hard enough to find the inventory instructions that are laid out in order with an example. It's still hard to see those. It is even harder to find directions for amends because they are scattered between several pages in guiding principles that Bill gave us. But here is the format they gave me. Whether it is face-to-face, at a grave, in a letter or on the phone this is the form I follow no matter how the amends is made and like I said I will say it once again the general rule is if they can be seen, see them. If all else fails, write a letter or make a phone call. Pray about where to go if they're dead or go to their grave. But I needed a format for making them. And here's the format they gave me. Number one, this is why I'm here. And somehow in saying that, you need to let that person know that it's very, very important to you as part of your recovery. Some people like to say they're members of AA. Some people Like to say They're on a spiritual path. Some people Like to say They're recovering from drugs and alcohol. That's between you and God. But let the person know why you're there So they don't get any misconception Like an ex-boyfriend Or an ex girlfriend They don't think you've called To come and get back together or something. We'll go over one of these in a minute But step one is that I'm going to let you know why I'm there. Number two is, I want to tell you about the karma I'm clear on that I've found from the work I've done up to this point. And this is what I've seen. I did this, I didthis, I do not go with the card in front of me and read to somebody off a card. I might keep it in my pocket and go in the bathroom before we start and say a prayer and look over the card so I don't miss anything. And I might check the card before I leave if it's gotten a little emotional. But I don't read to somebody off a 3x5 card. I bring it from my heart with a prayer. This is what I've done to you that I've seen. I did this, I did that. I did it this, I did not show up for this, I stole this, I lied to you about this, blah, blah, all the harm you are clearing. Then you ask a very magical question. Is there anything else that I ever did to you that hurt you that you are not aware of? And you shut up and you listen. the arrogance of thinking you and I can be clear on the harm is terribly arrogant who's the person that knows about what I've done to hurt you you you're the one that knows you'll be surprised sometimes the healing that will take place in the room when you let someone tell you about the things you did that might have hurt them then when you feel you've got it all out on the table and they've had their say then ask another magical question do you need to tell me how any of this hurt you because I'm a very insensitive person and some that I thought were big deals didn't remember me at all and some than I thought we're no big deal at all said you know you really really hurt me and I need to tell you how it hurt let him get let him do that I like to tell people like those that are in the program or in my home group I like say take your shot because you're only going to get one you're only going to get me in this place once hopefully so go for it I had to sit I'll come back to that in a minute then the magic question of all I've told them why I'm there I've asked them if there's any other harm I've ask them how any of that hurt them and now I ask the magic question of awe is there anything I could ever possibly do to make right the wrong and shut up and listen. And you know, of all the people I've ever known that risked going out into the world to make amends, not one of them has ever been asked to do anything unreasonable that they couldn't do. Then, and we haven't done this, and you won't find it in these notes, I'm making a big deal out of it now because I'm finding people that think the approach is more important than what they might ask you to do. When you get home, you turn the card over and you write on that card what they asked you to do and you put it in another file box and you keep those cards until you've done what they've asked you to do and then throw them away, the amends is done. The amends are not necessarily done just because you've made the approach. They might say, pay back the $500. You put that on the back of that card on the blank side take that home, put it in a file cabinet that says amends that need to be made and when that $500 is paid back then you throw their card away. Making the approach is not finishing the amends. Finishing the amends is finishing the Amends. Some will continue for your life to mothers, fathers, children and that will be how you live your life. But I absolutely hate when I hear people say just because I got sober, I've made amends to a lot of people. We need to go back and clean up the harm we've caused through our drunkenness. Then you make a footnote that if it's fine