Self-centered Fear and Character Defects – Lee and Bob D. – 12 Steps Workshop – Paramount Group – 11 – Part 2 of 2 – Scott L.

I'm still Bob, I'm Still an Alcoholic. Hi, Still Bob. In the 12x12, it says that the chief activator of all of our character defects is self-centered fear. And it's really why I hold on to things that are intellectually objectionable. And that's been true all my life. It was true for drinking. It was truth for cigarettes. cigarettes. It was true for drugs. It was truth for gambling. It was true. For a lot of stuff, it was true from my judgments, my anger, my lust because I'm afraid of not having it. I'm afraid I won't be okay. I won' t be whole. I wou' n't be valid. Uh I won''t be protected. I won ''t be secure. It's self-centered fear that activates and keeps those things in place that makes it difficult for a guy like me to be entirely ready in step six, to let God have it. And Chamberlain used to talk about, Chuck would talk about this being a process of uncovering, discovering the truth, which is like an awakening, and then discarding. Once you discover the truth it's easier to discard stuff like i don't know of any alcoholic that comes to alcoholics anonymous and is ready to get sober while the drinking is still fun right you don't do it i mean it's not until and most of us don't even come when it's turned on us and it's bad it's turn on us has been bad for a couple years and hope we're drinking hoping it's going to be in the fun stage again and hoping it's going to get back there, until even through all our delusion and wishful thinking, the reality seems to intrude on us. And we just get it one day that this is it. All hope of getting back to partying like we partied when we were 18 years old has been dashed. And the same thing seems to be true for some of us in some of our character defects. Um, there was a, it's funny, I'm often amazed at the things that I remember out of my childhood. In, in, when I worked the steps, all of a sudden stuff that had no, that somehow stuck in the back of my mind had no significance when I was a kid all of the sudden become pertinent. And I remembered a TV show that I had seen when I as a little kid. Just a little kid. It was called Rescue 8. And for those of you that might have ever seen that, they may even replay it. I don't know if one of those cable channels does that. But it was a TV show about these two paramedics that worked out of this firehouse. And they would go out on calls to help people that were in trouble. and they get a call one day and they go out and there's this little girl with her arm wedged into a vending machine and she's stuck and she can't get it out and people are parents are there freaking out so they're pulling equipment off the trucks to cut the door off the vending machine to get this little girls out and it's just really a distraughtful situation and the one paramedic standing there and he's looking at her. And he says to her, he says, Sweetheart, do you have something in your hand? And she goes, Uh-huh. What do you got in your hands? A candy bar. Would you let go of the candy bar? No! It's my candy bar! It's mine! It's a candy bar, it's my canny bar. We can't get you out unless you let it go. your candy. It's my candy bar, it's my candy bar. She won't let go of the candy bar. And he finally says to her, he says sweetheart if you will let go that candy bar I promise you I will get you two candy bars. And she looks at him and because she trusts him she lets go of the candy bar and her arm slides out of the vending machine. And somewhere along the line, God is asking us to give up these defense mechanisms that aren't really helping. And if we trust that he'll take care of us we can finally let go of the candy bar if we trusted he's going to give us something better. And how do you learn to trust that? Well sometimes it's so painful holding on to that candy bar you have to. And other times it's you watch other people in Alcoholics synonymous let go of some of that stuff and you see what happens in their life it's all like ballast in a hot air balloon it's the stuff that weighs down your spirit that keeps you entrenched in self and control that keepsyou from being free in a hot airballoon when you throw them with a ballast to have the sandbags over the side the balloon starts to soar and these are things that were keeping us from soaring keeping our spirits from being free and the illusion is that we think it's protecting us and securing us I had a problem with anger and rage why? because secretly I think it protects me my great self-centered Fear is, if God really were to take away my anger and rage, then what would I do if somebody was taking advantage of me? What would I doing if someone was rolling over me? What if I do, if somebody who's doing something to me? Well, maybe I'd have to trust God. Whoa! Seems awful ethereal to me. I don't know anybody that would like to be free of the rotisserie in your head when you've got a resentment. You know, where you can't sleep, you put your head on the pillow. You can't even pray when you're like that because you start to say, God, thank you for this day of sobriety, why don't you kill them slowly? You know it just bleeds into your thinking, right? It's just kind of there all the time. I mean, we all want to be free of that because it owns you. You're hostage to it. But are you willing to give up the pleasure of judgment? Because they're a package. And one of the things I discovered in Bill's story, he talks about, Scott alluded to it, that there's a part in there where he does a thumbnail sketch of the steps or his own experience, what he did right after he got into Towns Hospital. And when he talks about steps six and seven, he talks About the shortcomings or defects as if they have two parts. He says, I asked my creator to take them root and branch. In other words, that every defective character has a root and a branch. Well, the branch is the part that's causing me trouble. and so when I go to God and ask him to remove something I don't want him to take the whole thing I want him to take the consequences right but it's a package you can't you can get free of the branch without getting free of the root just like it'd be like saying to God take away my hangovers but still let me drink you can separate them right You can't separate root and branch. And when you start looking at the root, as Chuck would say in discovering the truth, you start realizing that this doesn't work. Alcoholics Anonymous is not proposing that you become entirely ready to have God remove anything that works, anything that makes you happy. It's not about that. That's the great fear of the self-centered fear of every alcoholic. You're going to take away my fun. You're taking away my validation. You're taken away my security. You're gonna take away my gratification, but it's never like that. We're talking about defective defense mechanisms. These aren't ones that work. These are ones that are causing you to feel bad about yourself. These are the ones that are one that are causing you problems in relationships. These are one's that are keeping your spirit suppressed. These are ones that are causing you problems with people. They don't work. The value is an illusion. Just like the value when you're drinking at the end, the party was an illusion, it wasn't there anymore. Not really. And that seems to be what happens here. I see the truth and when I see the truth I let go of the candy bar because it ain't a good candy bar. It don't work. It don'T work. There's an old American Indian story that I... Most of you, it's been... I heard it years and years ago and a couple of years ago people started emailing it around on the internet now most people have heard it. But it's so pertinent to this deal that it's a story of this young brave who goes to the old wise man, the shaman of the tribe, and he talks to the Old Man. He says, Old Man, I don't understand. I'm confused about my life. And the sherman says, What's your confusion? He says well sometimes, some days, I really feel a part of the Tribe. I feel the presence of the Great Spirit. I feel a sense of community with the other people in the Tribe and I love them and I feel part of and I'm just helpful to the women in the tribe and I run with the Braves and it's good and other days I just notice what's wrong with everybody and I just I'm angry at everybody and I don't feel any I feel empty inside there's no great spirit and I have conflict and I am fighting with the other Braves and I believe the women are just bothering me to help them with stuff and I don't understand why it could be one thing one day and one thing another. And the old man said, Son, your life is like two dogs trapped in a sack in mortal combat and the one dog represents love and the great spirit and the other represents your fear and yourself. And he says, well which one wins? He says, the one that you feed. and the problem all my life is and I think it cuts right back to the chase of the second half of step one why with good intentions and great motives I can't manage my own life sober is because on a spiritual bad hair day when my emotions are in play and I'm afraid and I am threatened And my natural instinct always is to feed the wrong dog. Absolutely always. And what happens between those two dogs, they're in conflict almost like on a balance scale. And one of them is spirit and one of him is self. And when I'm having a spiritual bad hair day, it doesn't occur to me to go and feed spirit, to make amends, to go to the detox, to try to help someone else, to try and do something nice for someone anonymously. Those thoughts didn't occur to me. Buying something occurs to me, getting laid occurs to me, going somewhere and trying to get validation occurs to me, judging people occurs to me, and my natural inclination is to feed self, self gratification, self validation, self security. It never naturally occurs to me to feed my spirit. And so all my life I'm feeding the wrong dog. And I don't even know I'm doing it. And I wonder why. It's like if you've ever had a spiritual bad hair day when you don't feel very good about yourself and you do something self-gratifying, you're feeding the right dog, after you fed the dog, you don'T feel full. You feel emptier than you've EVER felt. now you're a guy with a car you don't even like and pay car payments or whatever the deal is it doesn't work it's just more desolation and more vacancy and Alcoholics Anonymous has taught me over the years to feed the right dog to take actions that feed the spirit and to try to restrict actions that feed self and you never restrict actions that feed yourself completely because self-clamors at you all the time. I think every once in a while you've got to throw it a bone, just because it ain't going away. No, it ain'T going away, you've gotta throw it a bone once in awhile. So, I have, in step six and seven, I'm looking for the things that Scott said perfectly about that stand in the way of my usefulness. I've been given a contractual agreement in step three with God and I think step three is where I start to claim my primary purpose and I'm saying to God if you'll take away these difficulties with the bondage of self do it for one reason so that victory over them would bear witness to those I would help that becomes, I think at that point starts to become my primary purpose all my life my primary purpose was me and my security and my gratification and my feelings and my life and now I'm starting to move away from that into serving another purpose a purpose greater than myself a purpose of helping others I'm started to serve an ethic and a set of principles and ultimately a power that's greater than myself. And I am absolutely convinced that as an alcoholic, I am compelled. I don't have a choice to serve something. I'm going to serve someone. And it's either I'm gonna serve myself and my own self-centered fears and worries and gratification and validation and security or I'm gunna serve a set ethics, set of principals and a purpose and power greater than myself, but I'm going to serve something. And I think the paramount question is always as a result of serving self, how's that working? How's that work? Now the illusion in step, it talks about the section on step three that we are victims of this illusion, delusion we can rest happiness and satisfaction out of this world if we only manage well, the reason that it's a delusion is it doesn't work you know, if you were to step back from Alcoholics Anonymous and us step back form us, step back from yourself objectively and look at us as a demographic spiritually sick people of our nature, there's never been anyone on the planet that's ever tried more fervently and spent more money and more focus and more effort obsessively on trying to make themselves happy and satisfied as we have, and the end result with some of us is we're wishing we're dead. Absolute failure at resting happiness and satisfaction. I'm feeding the wrong dog, and they don't even know it. Isn't it funny how those of you that do 12-step work And if you've done it long enough, you will have a moment where a light will come on within you. And the light is maybe you're just listening to a fifth step and you've connected with this guy. Or maybe you've just come home after spending four hours with a guy and you got him through his first day of sobriety. And he sat there and he cried to you and he told you how hopeless he felt. And he was talking about you when you were new. and somewhere inside you, you fell in love with the guy and you're coming home and you are driving home that night and inside of you you feel like you always suspected you would feel if you had the right amount of money, the right amount of sex the right around of love, the write amount of attention it feels like you deluded into thinking you'd feel if you could bring enough stuff to you and you haven't brought nothing to you that day, you've been putting it out this way and the hole fills up because you're feeding the right dog that day you've claimed your right purpose I used to wonder why the old timers in AA they seemed to know exactly who they were they weren't perfect but they knew who they were and there was no lost feeling in them they knew exactly what their life was about and there was a security in them you could see it, a confidence a manner of well-being as a result of that and because they do know exactly who they are my name is Bob Darrow and I have this spiritual malady of alcoholism and my purpose in life is no longer a mystery I have been divinely crafted by pain and distraught and despair and depression and defects of character to be absolutely uniquely useful to people that are sick like me in a way that no psychiatrist can help that guy, no doctor, it has to be somebody who can go with inside themselves and get where that person's at and then from that I can reach you. I've got a purpose in my life. My life makes sense today had never made sense before, not once. I was a lost guy wondering what am I going to do when I grow up kind of feeling. And everything I tried left me vacant. My purpose is to work over here and be with her. Person's right of Harley Dave's. Everything I tried because I was coming from self. I was feeding the wrong dog. You guys have taught me how to feed the right dog. this is really the surrender steps you know Scott tells the story of the three frogs on the log they make a decision to jump in the water one of them makes a decision to jump in the river there's still three on the water because he only made the decision one of my guys I sponsor Sheldon says if you actually did step six and seven that's where you hear the splash my friend, one of our mentors Clint Hodges talked about surrender, a vision of surrender. He says, what's surrender? He says if you look in the war movies, when a person surrenders, he lays down all his weapons and the things he could use to defend himself, his gun, his knife, his hand grenades, everything. He lays them all down, and he sits by the side of the road, and he waits for direction. This is where I'm laying down my weapons. These are all things I've used to protect myself from a life that I was afraid was going to be vacant and boring and scary. What is lust except a defense mechanism against the fear of an uneventful, empty, vacant, lonely, desolate life? isn't it a defense mechanism against the fear that anyone would ever love you and you can't fear of not being able to be intimate so you settle for sex because it's as close as you can get and you settle and you think well that's the best I'll get they're all defective defense mechanisms that don't work if any one of our defects of character enhanced us and brought us to a greater spirit and more love and more community and it was a good thing, we'd be saying, hey, cultivate that lust thing. That's a good deal. All that anger where you're bashing people and keeping them away, oh yeah, that works really well for you. Yes, don't work. They're defective. I realized that in the six step prayer when I started asking God to help me to be willing a couple things started happening in my life one is I started wearing out stuff you know Scott talks about the first rule of Calvary when the horse is dead dismount well I'm years into sobriety beating this dead horse As a matter of fact, I don't just beat it with the whip. I get scientific. I get electrodes and crap. You know what I mean? I'm going to get this horse. I'm using chemicals and electrodes, anything I can use to get this horse to jump. And finally you get off the horse. And I think that's what becoming entirely ready is sometimes. and then there are other times I would find myself and you can only do this if you sponsor people and I encourage step up to the plate do 12-step work sponsor people because God will work through those people to enhance your spirit and your life matter of fact if you're not doing any kind of 12-stepped work or not sponsoring anything I think you're just tied God's hands I had a thing happen to me when I was about 15 years sober where I had a couple defects of character going on with me that I kind of settled into you know, I mean I knew intellectually they're not good but I depended on them for gratification and for like a little bit to pump myself up on a bad spiritual hair day that kind of thing and I still had the illusion that they were valid, even though they weren't. And I'm sitting in a restaurant with a bunch of guys I sponsor one day and one of the guys is going on and on about tearing everybody down in the group and in AA and taking all their inventories and, well, that guy didn't have a very good program. And I said, finally stopped him. He said, cut that out. I said where did you get that from? And a couple of the other guys start laughing. And I said, what are you laughing at? Oh, don't you remember two weeks ago you were doing that same thing? Oh. And you know what sponsees and newcomers are? They're like children. If you have children, you can have impeccable language and then you say the F word. One day it slips out, they'll just grab one of that and they'll say it all the time. And sponsee's often will emulate your defects. They don't emulate your assets. And I had a couple other things. And so what started happening is I started realizing I was a bad example. And because of my love for the people I sponsored and my love of Alcoholics Anonymous and my need to never tarnish what you've given me, I started coming, stepping up to the plate in step six for an entirely different reason. It wasn't out of pain. It was out of love. Because I didn't want to be the bad example. And I don't think it matters how you get to the table as long as you get there. But if you do 12-step work and you sponsor guys, there's a dual accountability in Alcoholics Anonymous. You have the accountability to your sponsor and then there's an inherent accountability that you're not conscious of immediately that eventually surfaces that you have an accountability to yours Sponsees, whether you want it or not You become the primary example Of how to view a sober life In their eyes So if you're doing certain things That's kind of your vote That they should do it too Now that doesn't make you perfect But it starts getting you closer To become entirely ready When you see guys you sponsor you're emulating your defects. And it's a common thing in AA. If you want to cheat on your wife, you'll find a guy who cheats on his wife to sponsor you. If you wanna be a gambler and you wanna gamble your money away, you'll found a sponsor who gambles. It's not unusual. If you like the thing that you just tear people down and gossip, usually you'll fund a sponsor that gossips and tears people down. I try to gravitate... I got some guys in my life, some old-timers, my sponsor, my spiritual advisor, a couple other guys. You can't get them to say something bad about somebody. I've tried. I sat with Sandy Beach and we just prodded him a couple times. Try to get him to say stuff but you can't get him to say something bad about somebody Same with Tom. You can'T get him. Now you can get him to talk about principles and how sad they feel that a certain guy can't buy certain parts of the package, but you can't get them to demean anybody. Man, I see those guys. I want that now. I want to be that. That's how I want To Be when I grow up. I don't want to Be the guy that's the snake that's talking behind people's backs and stuff. What a disunifying force in Alcoholics Anonymous in a group, right? And why do guys like me, because of the defect, because of this self-centered fear that I'm not enough. So I've got to tear you down? Talk behind your back about you like I have some kind of power inside information. I've Got The Good Dope Here. Let me tell you about so and so. Right? As if that's going to validate me. Right? It don't validate me? I know what it makes me. It makes me what it's always made me. So we come to the table with some of this stuff and we ask God. Take away these things because you start waking up that they stand in the way of your usefulness. These are things that make you the kind of sponsor you don't really want to be, the kind a member of AA I don't want to become. The kind of person I don' t really want to be. I don''t want to be a bad example here. It doesn''t make me perfect but it gets me going down the right road, I'll tell you. you may go ahead and start on 8 and 9 oh you want me to do the history what do you think we are really making this up as we go step 8 made a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all. On page 76 it says that if you look in the middle paragraph, the third line down, it says we have a list. You already got the list. You made it. You already made it when you took inventory. So they don't tell you that. If they told you that on the other side of step four, you would be You'd be hesitating writing some of those resentments down if you got that you're probably going to be making amends to these people. Because everybody that writes a four-step, when you're doing your resentment list, aren't you really unconsciously making a list of people you suspect owe you amends? And then through the change of consciousness from page 66 and 67, we pull our heads out of our butt and we start realizing the truth And we start being willing to clear up our side of the street. We're looking at our own mistakes, our own deal here. So we have the list. And this becoming willing to make amends is a big deal. You know, in a sense, Alcoholics Anonymous was founded on one man's eight step. That's right. And those of you who know the story of Dr. Bob, Mother's Day weekend, Bill met with Bob in the Cyberling Gatehouse in Akron and they stayed in there for hours even though he went in there telling him don't let me in there with that Yankee more than 15 minutes. He stayed in their for hours because he was so enthralled with Bill's experience. He said it was the first time he'd ever met someone that really knew what he'd been going through. And he connected with Bill. And when Bill started outlining this program of recovery that he was fleshing out, taking things from the Oxford group and different places, and Bob loved all of it. He loved the confession of shortcomings. He loved The Altruistic Acts. He loved to help in others, the prayer and meditation. But when it came to the amends, he dug his heels in. And he said that I'm a physician in this town, Bill. I've almost ruined my reputation as is. I can't face those people. Let's just leave that lay. And he wouldn't do it. And consequently, Dr. Bob drank again. And on what most people consider June 10th, 1935, he came to and he'd come off a train. He was so drunk. He was out of it. They had to lay him on the side of the platform at the Akron Station. Coming back from a medical conference, he was so ripped up. And they took him back to the Ardmore house. I was just there a couple weeks ago. And he came to early in that morning, June 10th. He says, what day is it? Where am I? He recognized the bedroom. What day is this? It's June 10. He said, no, not June 10, oh man, I got a surgery to perform June 10 Dr. Bob was a proctologist, so you can use your imagination about what kind of surgery it was. And he says, not June 10th. And he's shaking. He's exactly like I am when I come off around the clock drunk of like four or five days, just vibrating. How is he going to do a patchwork quilt on this guy with his waist shaking? So Bill Wilson gives him some sedatives and actually a couple of beers and sets him into the surgery to operate on the guy. Imagine being that patient, watching your doctor come in with booze on his breath going like this. Oh my God. We don't know what happened to the patient. We know he lived. I was back in Akron. I asked one of the archives back there, nobody knows what happened. We know we lived. We don't know the details. I mean, we don't know if he whistled when he walked or what. We don' t know. Dr. Bob got done. It was a quick little cancer surgery and got done that surgery early, still early in the morning on June 10th, 1935 and then disappeared. And nobody knew where he was. He didn' t come back to the Ardmore house all that morning, all that afternoon, all that evening and about almost midnight. And I remember hearing his son to sit in my house telling this story with a bunch of us sitting around the backyard. And he said he came home and there was something different about him. And he wasn't out drinking as Ann and Bill had feared. He was out searching out everybody. Page 156 is his story. And this is right after the surgery. He says one morning he took the bull by the horns and set out to tell those he feared what his trouble had been. He found himself surprisingly well-received and learned that many knew of his drinking. Stepping into his car, he made the rounds of people he had hurt. He trembled as he went about, for this might mean ruin, particularly to a person in his line of business. At midnight, he came home exhausted but very happy. He had not had a drink since. And we shall see how he now means a great deal to his community and the major liabilities of 30 years of hard drinking have been repaired in four. Dr. Bob never drank again as a result of that day. And low estimates is that he personally helped over 5,000 alcoholics. and how many people did they help that helped and I would venture to say that everyone in this room is alive and sober and having hope today in their life because of one man's eight step because a guy finally was able to walk through the shaky feeling of fear and face those people I know his misgivings you know I remember sitting as a newcomer in Alcoholics Anonymous and looking at the amends and thinking it's too big I could see how it was good for you nice people yeah, yeah you should go make amends I lived like an animal on the streets there were guys that went to prison as a result of me there's a guy to this day I've never found I opened up his chest with a knife I've ever found him there's people I ripped off and hurt it'll never be the same I lived a way of life on those streets of a desperado. I was not a gay. I thought one time I fancied myself as a gangster. The police straightened me out and told me I was a public nuisance. I mean, I just, I'm the pathetic guy. I'm not a tough guy. I'm pathetic. I'm in a bar. You go to the bathroom. I drink your drink and steal your change. You know, it's a pathetic stuff. You know? I steal stuff out of parked cars cars that I can sell. It's just pathetic. But it's such an accumulation of wrongs. I'm thinking, I'm not going to live long enough to find all those people. And there are some people I've never found. There's two bits of business in step eight and nine. Make the list. My job, made it in step four. Became willing. God's business. You know why I know that? There's a prayer. The second to last line on page 76, the third to the last line. It's talking about becoming willing. It says if we haven't the will to do this, we ask until it comes. So it's God's business if I keep asking for him to provide the willingness and if he'll do that, it's my business to make the direct amends wherever possible and it's his business to create wherever possible. There's guys 29 years later that I haven't found. Scott has given me some hope. He has a guy that's... Don't tell this. Oh, okay. I got some hope of finding a couple of them. I've searched. I've hired investigative services and I still haven't found him. But you never know. I am willing. If they pop up, I'm there. There's a guy, if I pop up I'm on a plane to wherever he's at. I've been willing for years to make the amends to him. I just haven't had to wear ever. God has got to provide that. Can we go? Yeah. It was kind of interesting. I listened to him tell that story about Dr. Bob's eight steps, and I believe his analysis is correct. What Dr. Rob had to do was the one thing he wasn't willing to do. So if you're new and wonder what you have to do to stay sober, that's your answer. It was mine. the one thing I had to do was to surrender to another guy and let him run my program that was the big one for me all the rest of it was fairly easy once I did that was a piece that I had to have I would like to quote the noted American philosopher Alfred E. Newman who you young people ask somebody ask one of these gray hairs he said who once said most people don't know what they want but they're pretty sure they haven't got it and I think that was the truth for me I didn't really know what I wanted but I was pretty sure I didn' t have it and it was interesting I thought Bob laid it out so beautifully it wasn' t going out to get it they brought it to me he was trying to give stuff to you and it fell out of the sky on me and I'm told that if I want to strengthen a muscle what I do is I use it I want to strengthen my faith here's step 9 you're going to get a chance to use it and that's really kind of what it comes down to I'm going to talk a little bit about how I take an individual through steps 8 and 9 we of course begin as it says here by taking a look at what we have on step 4 so far if you've heard people say when you finish your 4th step you do your 5th step and you burn your 4st step make a copy of it first because you're gonna need it here yeah, and burning that isn't gonna make it go away by the way so let's collect the data from that and I may be able to stick some things in having heard your fifth step so now we've got a list I find five prayers I'm not saying there aren't more but I find 5 in the readings on steps 8 and 9 Bob touched on the one at page 76 toward the bottom remember it was agreed at the beginning we would go to any links for victory over alcohol and I love this thing at the top of page 77 our real purpose this is something that just changed recently by the way in your book it says our real purposes to fit ourselves to be a maximum service to God and the people about us and I understood that for the longest time that I was supposed to be of real service to God the people above me it's not what it says at all but to fit myself to be in service I don't go use me I'm where my work has to be done how do I fit myself to be a maximum service prayer, meditation, doing these 12 steps taking a meeting under jail to make myself God's go-to guy as the way Bob says it so beautifully it talks about prayers all over the place here I find one on page 79 first full paragraph, all these reparations Let's take innumerable forms. There are some general principles. Ah, back to principles, which we find guiding. Remind ourselves we decide to go to any lengths to find a spiritual experience. We ask. That's a prayer. We ask that we be given the strength and direction to do the right thing, no matter what the personal consequences may be. There's another one on page 80. Second line. Actually, I'll start with the first line. Before taking drastic action which might implicate other people, we secure their consent. If we have obtained permission, consulted with others, ask God to help. That's a prayer. And the drastic step is indicated. We must not shrink. Page 82, first full paragraph. Am I going fast enough? Okay, good. First full paragraph, page 82. Perhaps there are some cases where the utmost frankness... We're talking here about infidelity. That's what they've been talking about here for a page, and they're recommending that we don't talk a lot about that. And if they don't know, we don'T tell them. And Bob talked about that principle, I get to be hard on myself but easy on them. And that's a mistake that I made, by the way. You're listening to experience here. It was a bad mistake. Don't do it. Perhaps there Are some cases where the uttermost frankness is demanded. No outsider can appraise such an intimate situation. It may be that both will decide that the way of good sense and loving kindness is to let bygones be bygomes. This next sentence has one of the most powerful concepts in the whole book in here. It says, each might pray about it. And what's our perspective on the prayer? It says having the other one's happiness utmost in mind. There's an opportunity to give in prayer form. Facing page, the same number of lines down. It says, so we clean house with the family, asking each morning in meditation. That's a prayer that our Creator show us the way of patience, tolerance, kindness, and love. So that's five prayers that I've found. I'm not saying there aren't more. Those are just the ones that I have located in here. Last one is on page 83, about six or seven lines down, it's kind of concealed. Third line from the bottom of the paragraph, asking each morning in meditation. So I'm going to sit quietly with God and ask him to help me to be patient, tolerant, kind, and loving toward my family. I'm gonna talk a little bit about how I take someone through this work. We collect the data from the fourth step. And then I want to sit down and talk about each one of these amends. Let's talk about what each one should look like. Because we're not asking you to turn your will and life over to the care of someone who may roundly hate you. I used to sponsor Big Ken Sweeney. He's the one that said he hated everybody and wished there was more of them. If you'd gone to him before he got sober to make amends, he would have bashed you for the rest of your life. So the person that I'm going to make Amends to isn't final authority on what that amend is. My sponsor is. I think that's important because some people are going to take that opportunity to bash you. So we don't – I need to know what they think the amend should be, but I don't necessarily have to do it. And then I want to sit down and review that list, and let's talk about what this amendment will look like. And when I get somebody to step eight, that's where I like to start them sponsoring. By this time, if he's not already, because by this time he's got a message to carry. One of the other things that I have to do is to make sure that I don't let him settle for relief. I've got to get him all the way to recovery. By the time I get him to step eighth, this is what his life looks like. He's been promoted at work. He's got money in the bank. The bills are paid. His key fits in the front door. When he walks in, they don't scatter. He throws the switch, the lights come on. The phone rings. That's a miracle by itself. He answers and admits that it's him. Another miracle. He's sleeping in the big bed again. All right? So a lot of his motivation is gone. I've got to keep him moving. So there are two things that I do. One is to get him sponsored, and Bob already talked about it. If he sees this rookie catching up with him, that helps. The other one is I want to review the list. Let's find out specifically what the amends are, and I'm going to say which one you want me to make. And I may say, I don't want you to make this amend right now. I've got a guy right now who's got one on hold for what I think is a very good reason. I think God bless his sponsorship. You don't need to know what that is. God bless His sponsorship. Some of them need to be put on hold. And I say, which one do you want to do first? I want you do Fred. Okay, great. When can you call Fred and schedule an appointment? Why can't you call him right now? Good. Call me right back. Tomorrow at 2? Fantastic. Call me tomorrow at 2.30. I want to know how it went. An amend, I believe, is brief. I tell them if you've taken your fifth breath while you're making an amend, you've already said enough. That is, don't do your fifth step with your mother. Mom, I wasn't as good a son to you as I could have been. and I know I tore your heart out a couple of times. I'm living a different life now, and I'd like to repair the damage. Would you like to tell me how I can do that? Would you Like to Tell Me What Else I Did That Hurt You? That's enough. That's it. My perspective, that's enough I think it's important also that I do not mess up an amend with an excuse. When I put an excuse for me in, I take all the power away from the other person. I don't let the men that I sponsor use the word sorry. Nobody believes that anymore. We wore that one out. That one's all gone. I was wrong or I harmed you or both of those. Either of those are good or both in combination. That's what I like to do. So he calls me tomorrow afternoon at 2.30 and here's my side of the conversation. Oh, he didn't even remember who you were? Okay, well, right? That one happens. Yes, okay, so that amends complete. Which one are you going to do next? Oh, that's a good choice. When can you call him and make an appointment? Why can't you call them right now? Good, call me back. Tomorrow at 2? Good, call me tomorrow at 2.30. He looks at his eight-step list, he's got 162 amends. And something inside him says, I can't make 162 Amends. And I agree, you can't. You make one today, we're only 161 days away from finishing this. To me, that's applying one day at a time to making amends and I found that to be very powerful and I'm going to share this I'm not going to get controversial and I used to apologize for that and I don't this is just how it is for me I walked out of a meeting one time and the guy that I sponsor well let me preface with this one if you disagree with anything I've got to say I'd like to hear it not to argue with you because I may learn something and that's one of the ways that I learn people hear me say something they disagree I may get a chance to learn so if you got something that you disagreed that I said see me at a break and I'd like to hear it I want to reiterate that if I say anything you disagree with please see Scott at the break laughter laughter laughter that's really good Bob laughter yeah spiritual I walked out of a meeting one day, and a guy whose sponsor I sponsor said to me, I disagree with what you said in the meeting. And what I had said was that my amends to my children would never be complete, and he said, That's not right. He said, Did you go to your children and tell them what you thought you had done wrong? Did you ask them how you could repair the damage? Did they tell you? Did you do it? Did you asked for their forgiveness? Did they give it? I said yes to all of that. he said the fact that you're trying to be the best father you can be today isn't night step work it's 12 it's the principles in all your affairs spiritually awakened people who have children endeavor to be good parents and if you think it's night step works you have not accepted their forgiveness or God's or your own and you have work to do and he was right and if your sponsor has got you making a living amends it's ok with me but I don't find that phrase in this book and I came down off the cross that day. And I'm sharing that in case somebody else needs to do it. I sure have watched teenage and older children manipulating us into some very sick stuff under the banner of you were a lousy parent in the past. My amends to my children are complete. I'm being the best dad I can be today. It's 12-step work. There's a freedom that came in there. I hope maybe somebody else got free. That's why I share it. And that's why I'm going to share this piece. I don't think... I guess I told the white light story. This is a political hot potato. Don't hear that, all right? If you've done what I'm about to talk about and it's okay with you, it's OK with me. This is just my story, and I'm sharing it because there are other people in this room who need to get free for something, this or something similar to it. For those of you who were here when I told you, I told them the story of my white light experience where my soul screamed for forgiveness and got it, and I was in the Master's presence. The thing I was thinking about that I'd always been able to turn off by drinking and smoking dope was as a young man, I paid for an abortion. And inside after that, I felt like I'd killed one of my own children. That was the big piece for me. And that's what I screamed for forgiveness for and got it. But when I get to step eight, it looks to me like I owe amends to an unborn child, and I don't think that can be done. This is page 83, slightly past halfway down the page. some people cannot be seen we send them an honest letter I have had the privilege of working with a lot of people it's not necessarily an unborn child could be a grandparent, a parent it could be anybody that's gone to the other side I'll tell you right now you can get free because I did and I was shown how to write that letter And as we established through what we found here in the book, that the fourth step is not about writing. Although there's writing involved, the fourth steps is about observations and prayers. That's where the changes come. In my experience, this letter is not about writing, it is about tears. And I have worked with a lot of people who have gone through this process and the ones that can't cry don't get free. And I'm sorry, that's just my experience with it. I have written my experiences. I got to you unable to cry. and I was watching, there was a guy in my home group very masculine man, in fact he's a drummer and you would know the name of the band and I'm watching this guy and he's crying at almost every meeting and I went to him and I said, Tony, tell me about the tears. And he says well somebody says something beautiful and it touches my heart and I weep and it feels so good and I say, I can't cry. And she said I will teach you. He did, if you watch me he did and it took me a year to get the first tear out because I needed to be in touch with my feelings. That's what I believed. I believe my emotions are how my spirit communicates with my mind and my body and I can't afford for the mind and body to run the show anymore. That's how I qualified to sit in closed meetings of most of the fellowships you'll ever hear of. So I can'T afford that price so I have to have that open and so I had to learn to cry to get in touch of my emotions And there may be now people that disrespect me because I'm a man that cries. I hope not. I hope you like me, but I'm really okay if you don't. Cherry Carpenter used to say, I'd rather be despised for who I actually am than loved for who I'm not. And I couldn't say that when I got here, because if you didn't love the act I was doing, it was nothing. It's had to become real. I want to warn you guys. If you start crying at appropriate times and places, you'll attract a lot of very healthy women. So don't call me and complain about that, because I warned you on the front end. They love that. Ask your ladies, are you sick of the John Wayne Act? Yeah, they're sick of it. They see right through it. I'm sorry. That's just the way it is. Anyway, I typed that up. If you have some interest in learning how to cry, I've got them right here. And I've learned about writing this letter. I'm serious. I'm serious as terminal celibacy, and that is serious. That's worse than a heart attack, isn't it? Yeah. It was necessary for me to learn to cry to get in touch with my emotions. So what I found was that in the process of writing this letter that I got free. And this is the way I was shown to do it, that we need to do this outdoors under God's sky, not indoors under man's roof. And that I was to write only until I could begin to cry. I need someone there to prayerfully hold the space. Write only until I can begin to cry. As soon as I can cry, I lay the pen down and cry as long as I can. Don't write and cry. My experience is if you do that, that you compress the process and it won't get complete. You'll have to do it again. And continue to the end. I continued until I was sure I was finished with that process. It took half an hour, 45 minutes, I guess. And when I was done, I said, I'm going to do this. When I was finish and I knew I was all done, I could never cry again. They said sign it, love dad. Oh, yeah. And I was handed a plain white envelope, and they said, address the letter. I said, what? He said, where's the child? I said in heaven. He said yeah with God, and their not mad. God's not mad, and that child isn't either. And they want you to get free. Now address the leter. And I addressed the letter of an unborn child in heaven, I was told to put extra postage on it. They said that was a long way from Nashville, Tennessee. I don't know that it is, but that was what I was called. and I mailed that letter and I got free and I had an experience but I started about 10 years ago telling this part in public but up until then the men that I sponsored knew it because as they did their fifth steps they heard mine and one of those guys who had not had this experience called me one day and he said I have permission from a guy that I sponsor to talk to you because he's been involved in an abortion and he needs to write a letter and get free and I don't have the experience. Would you come? I said, I'd be honored to come. We scheduled it. I went. He wrote. And I don'T only have his permission. He begged me to tell you this because he got free and he wants others too. And we got to the end and I handed him the envelope. He said, I think I want to send this in smoke. I'm going to burn it because the book doesn't say we mailed it. It says we sent it. And where they are, I thinkI can send it better in smoke Wow. And we went over by the roses and he held a match on it and when it was ashes he crumbled it put it on the roses and he got free and he asked me to tell you that and I don't hand him the envelope anymore we pick a place if you wait about 30 days after going through that process you can go for a walk with that person and you'll know if you're free sometimes it takes more than one letter if you write and cry it will take more than one most of the time but if you honor that process it's been my experience I wasn't kidding. I typed it up. It's here. It's been my great privilege to work with a number of people. I serve a powerful God, more powerful for all the things that were done to me, more powerful than all the thing that I did. He gave me a program to get free of all of that. It's worked for me. Don't discount this power. Don't discount this power I want to share one other this is a gift from Miss Linda my beloved bride she's a 20 year Al-Anon get one of her CDs you want to hear some recovery listen to her she was doing the steps about 10 years ago and she had been thorough on step 9 and yet she was uncomfortable when she got to it and she prayed about it and got this gift and it's what she calls good amends we alcoholics think about all the things we did to people let me tell you something we left some stuff out too that we owe amends for and she there was a high school teacher that caught got her out off the back row and involved in school activities may have saved her life there's a woman that helped her when she was on a run one time and she went back and said thank you because she owed thanks to people that deserve to hear it and i heard her when he said that i went back i think my major professor in college. He helped me so much. I went back and I thanked this old retired Air Force colonel that taught me to fly before I got to the Air Force. That set up my whole career. And I went to each of my parents singly, and I said, Dad, I think you were the best dad. You tried so hard to be a great dad for me. Thank you. Thankyouso much. And I went to my mother, andI said, You were a great mom for me, and you committed so much, and and I got free, they're gone now. And this isn't pain you're seeing on me. This is joy. See, I got freer. I'm a free man. I'm okay with me today. I'm Okay With Me. Don Pritch used to say, if you will come here and do these things that we're going to show you, we'll show you how to live a life that makes sense to you. That's exactly what happened to me. And it was by doing things that didn't make any sense to me as I did them. And as I Did Them, I found what they promised me, a new freedom and a new happiness. That's exactly what I found. I'm under a standing assignment from my sponsor. I have several. One of my standing assignments is to spread the joy. That's what I do, spread the Joy. And I stumbled across a way to do it. A number of years ago on Christmas Day, we ran out of milk. So at halftime... I raced out to the corner, roared down to the convenience store. I grabbed a gallon of milk and I headed up to the counter. You don't ever know when God's got a great sense of humor. I refer to him sometimes as the great choreographer for it all to work out like this. And you don't even know when he's going to hit you with one of these. And as I walked up there, I got a gift. And the gift I got was that this part of me saw a guy. I'm not here just on a mission to buy milk. So this part of me saw there's a human, a real person standing behind this counter on Christmas Day. I would guess working for minimum wage time and a half. Pretty good guess. And this opened up and said to him, man, I bet there's some place you'd rather be on Christmas day. Well, you see, my family ran out of milk. And if you hadn't come to work today, we couldn't have bought it. Thank you for being here. And I cried there and he did too. And that's, I've learned to say thank you. I have thanked people. I thanked our hostess last night for working on Saturday night. But there's some place she'd rather be. And I thanked some people this morning for working on the weekend. And I try, every time I do business and where I'm buying gas or whatever I'm doing, and somebody's working on a weekend, thank you, and it's just the most fun thing in the world. And sometimes it hits them, sometimes it doesn't. And I go by the health food store and I get my lunch. I say to people, thanks. Say, hey, back in the kitchen, thanks for making my Big Mac. You guys make a great burger in here, and I appreciate it very much. Thanks. It's amazing sometimes. And it doesn't always hit them, but boy, it always hits me. I believe this is spiritual law. I believe you cannot give without receiving. I don't think it can be done. And the other side of that is you can't receive without giving. It's not possible. I got here as a taker. Don't know about you, I've been a takER all my life. And I thought I was going to have to transition from takER to giVER. Not so. Because a takEr can't take anything worth having. You've got nothing to give. I had to transition from taker to receiver first. The difference is that a receiver acknowledges that someone else gave. They say thank you and they ask for some more. It contains humility. And having received for a while, I can then transition to giver. And when I got those pieces put together, I believed it was my remaining a giver that would keep me in the channel between me and God open. And I think it's important, the big piece is this one here, is to continue to be a receiver. I've seen us lose too many old-timers who think, well, you know, I can't let my home group know that I'm really hurting so bad because they don't need to see a guy with 20 years. That's exactly what they need to say. I've got a pretty good work and knowledge of what we do out of this book, and I've studied under the masters, and I'm going to tell you that I've gotten some wisdom. The two most important things I take to my home groups are my pain and my mistakes. It makes it okay for anybody that respects my program to be real. Let's go be real. Let's Go Be Real. But part of that realness is saying thank you. And part of that realeness is when it's my turn to receive, when I'm hurting, is to let you know so that you can give and I can receive. When you're hurting and I get the love on you, I get this wonderful closeness to God. When I'm hurtin' and I don't let you know, I block your chance to get close to God by giving. It's a selfish act. Golly, I was wrong about so many things. But at my home group, also, and don't let me confuse you. At my home Group, we say you take your problems to your sponsor. Take your solutions to your meeting. I still need to let you know. I'll let you all know when my daughter was having brain surgery. We didn't talk about it. Brain surgery was not the topic of our group. We don't talk About that. We talk about recovery. I need to Let you know where I am so that you can love on me. Can't give without receiving. Can't receive without giving. It's never been done. Are we ready to break for lunch? Does anybody know what the plan is? Yeah, talk to one of the adults. We could do some questions. Yeah, why don't you go ahead. We're going to do questions and dumb looks here for a minute. There you go. And we'll come back and do more after lunch. Yeah, he's going to do 8 and 9 after lunch He'll get the good stuff I'm an active NAA My husband is not He's very supportive of me How do I balance all my commitments meetings and service with the time for him so he feels satisfied with the amount of attention I pay him I don't know I do it's a juggling act if you give too much time to the family and not enough time to AA you'll get sick so it's just a push pull you'll constantly be tweaking it if you're like me that's the way it is ask him ask your sponsor communication is real good Yeah. It says, this is addressed to me, what should we have done? Does that belong in a column on the fourth step? I think there are a lot of ways, right ways to do what's in this book. And whatever you and your sponsor work out works good for me. I use that as a fourth column in the sexual misconduct inventory. Whom had we hurt? I use it for a left column. The other two you'll see, but you just read that sentence. and then what should we have done instead sets back. And I just like column inventory. My great mentor didn't do it that way. He did it in sentence form. He'd have about three lines on each particular one. I think there are a lot of right ways to do what's in this book. This is just what I did. That's a good question. Who is constitutionally incapable of being honest with themselves? People who never wonder if they are. Can I see a show of hands of all the people who've had trouble with honesty at least once this month? Thank you. None of those people are having trouble with it, okay? That was honest, okay. And the book says rigorous honesty. If it meant perfect honesty, it would have said perfect honesty. Go ahead. What about gossip, character assassination, negative talk and innuendos? How do you stop it? Well, there's a rule in the 12 by... I tell you, one of the chapters in the twelve by twelve that's helped me a lot is step ten. And in there it talks about restraint of tongue and pen. My first sponsor used to talk about the three C's. Don't criticize, condemn or complain I've heard other people in AA say If it's not loving If it'S not true And if it's NOT useful Don't say it Because you're feeding the wrong dog I'll tell you something else too When that breaks out around me I can walk away You know I'll tale what I try to do And I haven't got this 100% yet Because I get seduced into gossip. You know, somebody starts telling me something and I go, oh really? You know? I get reduced into that, right? It's seductive stuff. So what I'd like to be able to do, and I'm trying to do it, is if somebody wants to talk to me about a situation, tell me about the situation, but don't tell me the person. If you have a resentment you want to talk to me About, let's talk about the resentment. or it's something you're anxious about, but I don't want no names. No names. The principles, no personalities. This is good for you. It says, where does it say we send it? And then it says on page 83, which is where it is talking about this letter, some people cannot be seen. Would you say in your opinion that women can do this as well about abortions to make amends for the unborn? Absolutely. Absolutely, and it's not just that. It could be a grandparent, it could be anybody that's gone. And I haven't seen that not work. I've seen a lot of people not do it. I've seeing that. And I've see it take more than one letter. Sometimes it takes more than once. What I discovered was if you let that rest for a month or so and then literally go for a walk in a park or down a stream or something and talk to that person, you'll know if you got free. But I believe they're with God, and there's no resentment there. And I believe that all wants to get free. I had to do that with my grandfather. He died before I got sober. And he was the light of my childhood when I was a little kid. And I broke his heart. On the morning of his wife of 60-some years' death, I had gotten in the night before into the drugs she'd been on before she died, And he had to find me in the lowest day of his life, laying on the floor in his house with a needle in my arm and blood running down my arm. And I had to make amends in that letter to him about what I'd done. And also to thank him for all the wonderful things he did for me as a child. This is this, how do we quote create the fellowship we crave? Wow, what a great, let me tell you something. This is, I love this group. This is a fabulous set of questions, truly. And I love THIS one because this is my experience with it. For me, the first piece was to do these steps and become real. I have craved fellowship all my life. I've never had it. I flew a mission during Southeast Asia. I'll try not to get into anything that's classified. We flew into some, we must have been lost because the president said we weren't flying over there, this particular place. So I guess we were getting lost about six days a week. And there were pilots, co-pilots, navigators, and flight engineers on each crew. I was a pilot, pilot in command. There were ten crews. There were co-plots, co‑pilotes, navigator, and engineers, more than one in each of those positions, bugging the guys on my plane to trade with them so they could ride with me. And I never felt like I belonged. Never had it. I have craved. Crave is a powerful word. I have craved fellowship all my life, and I've never had it. And the reason is because I'm showing you this mask all the time. I'm pretending to be the guy I think you want me to be. And when I do that, I do get to hang out with you. But I don't get to participate in fellowship because only this part can participate in scholarship, and I'm not showing it to you. Because I believe if you see it, you won't want me around. And through this step process of becoming okay with me, I can now show you this part. And the fellowship has grown up about me. And that's what happens. And I hang out with other people who are willing to do that. And great, don't bring me your act. We see right through the act. We've been looking through those for a long time. You come be real with us, we'll eat it right up. Also, you'll create, through 12-step work and the people you sponsor, there's a line of this, you will see a fellowship spring up around you. And then you'll get to see the people that you sponsor sponsoring guys. And you'll gets to see those people sponsoring guys and you realize that you're part of some kind of cosmic relay race and we just pass the baton. And with every time I passed the batons somewhere, I get connected to those people and I passed a baton too. I was a lonely guy. When I stood on a bridge in 1978 trying to take my own life, it felt like I was dying of loneliness. I'm not that guy anymore. I have a tremendous fellowship around me. Go ahead. How do you make amends to people you cheated on? well there's a section in the book about that warns us not to remember the rule we'll be hard on ourselves but always considerate of others and it warns in there that this might be a problem that is a good I think he uses the term good generalship well that we approach it from the flank And if you're still in a relationship with someone that you've cheated on, is it useful to tell them the details so that they can have someone to ventilate resentment on? Or maybe it's better that books suggest to tell him in a general way that you were out of line and that you're going to spend the rest of your life trying to make that up to them. But it just says that if they already know, doesn't it? You're not supposed to bring that up. No, and if they don't know, I tell guys I sponsor that have cheated on their wives when they were drinking or even in early sobriety. And they hit that bottom with it, and they ask me, should I go tell her? If she doesn't know what purpose would it serve? What your job is now is you never do that again, and you've got to make up for that. You've got be the best husband that you can ever be. and in time Chamberlain used to I remember watching him stand and rubbing his hands together at a podium saying you rub away the wreckage of your past with good works and in time you get even with that by being the guy that you weren't you mend the situation this one was written before we did this last section about how do you make amends if someone isn't alive anymore I think we covered that This one says, at what point in recovery is it okay to seek a serious relationship, comma, not casual sex? I like to get them all the way through the steps. At my home group, they say two ding-a-lings don't make a bell. My friend Charlie says He says Looking for a mate in Alcoholics Anonymous Is like shopping in the dented can section of the grocery store You may get a good set of niblets But you might get botulism We don't know I always recommend to get all the way through. Somebody else in my home group said dating before you've actually done the 12 steps is a good way to pour Miracle-Gro on your character defects. And I think that's what happens. If you're serious about the decision in step three, you don't have to do nothing. Let God bring it to you. You don't need to look for anything. You don' t have to look fer nothin'. You don't have to rest, no happiness, no satisfaction, no relationship, no nothing. Just let God bring it to you. On page 100, it talks about grace. It says, there's a line in the middle of the first paragraph. And this is when we walk hand-in-hand with a new guy in the path of spiritual progress. We look back, we realize that the things that came to us. Notice the way it's saying, came to use. We're not manufacturing, we're not seeking it out, we're no trying to make it happen. The things which just came to u when we put ourselves in God's hands were better than anything we could plan. Just wait in joyous expectancy of God's grace in your life. Don't look for particulars, just know that whatever it is, it's going to be good. great questions this is another one when taking guys or gals through the steps do you start with the forwards through the vision forwards through vision for you do you also read line by line when going through each step I recommend they read it all as far as personally taking them through the book line by line, I don't do that. I'm not against that, I just if I did that with all the guys I sponsored, I would only end up sponsoring probably two people. I wouldn't have time to do much more. So I encourage people to read the book I take them through the parts of the book that pertain to the actions that I want them to take. I usually don't ask guys to do anything in the steps that I can't back up with a piece out of the book. But I don't take guys line by line. I don' t either. I think it's a fabulous way to do it. One of the things that I do is I invite the men that I sponsor to my home once a month for a potluck and a book study. It's the third Tuesday. Nobody else ever comes.