The Illusion of Safe Drinking – The Big Book Conducted by Earl H – Part 3 of 3 – Earl H.

I hope everybody had a nice lunch. Good. So now we'll see a nap from 2.10 to 4. And we'll just wrap it up real quick. Well, oh, questions. We have good questions. Question. What if you've completed your fourth and fifth step with your sponsor but still have many resentments against your sponsor? Well, if the bottom half of that is true, then the first half isn't. Then you haven't completed your forth and fifth steps. If I'm listening to the fifth step of a sponsee and I'm not mentioned, I don't feel like I've been doing my job properly. Yeah, go ahead. If you've got resentments against your sponsor, go ahead and do it in a four-step format. I don't think your sponsor is going to be alarmed. I would find it really curious if they were. I mean, if I told them, I resent my sponsor because he told me to do this and I didn't want to. And my sponsor, well, walked out. It's crazy. Put it down. How free do you want to be? Right? You want to walk around feeling like you've been harboring resentments against your sponsor, the person that you defer to, the person you seek direction and counsel from? Bad idea. Get it clean. Say so. Take care of that. How do I get rid of the fear of letting go? I feel unable to let go of the notion of drinking again safely. Unable to accept this fact. I know I must. So, someone's afraid to let go of the idea that they can drink again at some point. If you have a question, what's a good idea to do? Go to the book. I don't need to the book says the persistence of this illusion this belief in a lie that I can drink like a normal man is astonishing many of us pursue it to the gates of insanity and death okay so if you identify as an alcoholic but you you can't let go of the idea of reserving the right, that somehow someday you may be able to drink like a normal man. You may beable to safely drink. I suggest that the solution to that dilemma is to do precisely what it is we're doing. Begin the fourth 12-step process. Engage in the process. Engage. Engage and engage in the process. Wrestle with that as you go through this process. None of us likes the idea... I mean, I've never met an alcoholic who said basically here's where it's at, pal. You know this drinking thing that you've been doing? You know, this thing that's protected you from the world? The thing that made it possible for you to leave the house? This source of the only ease and contentment you've ever known, right? This thing that has made all things to this point possible for your life? For you? It's over and you don't get to do it anymore. I've never had an alcoholic get that information and say, oh well, okay then, fine. Right? It's a crushing blow to discover that it doesn't work anymore and you're not going to get it back. That's why we've got a portion of chapter 3 more about alcoholism. That's Why the List Goes On ad infinitum as the book suggests of the attempts we go to We're switching from scotch to light wine. Taking a trip, not taking a trip. Swearing off with or without a solemn oath. I mean, all these beer to light wine. I mean all this stuff that we do to try to find a way to make it work. Never drinking before five. Only on the weekends. Vowing right to admit oneself to a sanitarium should this blah, blah, bla, blah. We do all that desperately trying to find a way of making it work the persistence of this illusion that we can drink like normal men is astonishing. So it's a very, very powerful influence on us. That's why most of us have to be beaten nearly to death before we're willing to say, okay, I give, I surrender. And I completely get the notion and the idea that yes, I'm an alcoholic, but I don't know that I'm willing to do this. Yes, I'm an alcoholic, but I'm not done yet. Or yes, I am an alcoholic but must it be this severe? This total abstinence? How about we just shoot for Friday? I'm good with Friday. We'll drink Friday like normal men. It's a plan. Yeah, yeah. That's a good plan. We'll drink Friday. And stop Friday? So begin and end drinking on the same Friday? You're getting into splitting hairs. You know where this is going, right? If I could drink safely, I would. how do you get rid of the fear of letting go and letting go and finding that you're still okay that's how you get rid of your fear of letting go I feel unable to let go of the notion drinking again safely I know I must then by all means grab a hold of this process and begin to do the things that we're talking about today. Do them. It's the action that brings about the change. I mean, let's face it. You, who are now horrified that I have singled you out. This won't hurt a bit. Trust me. She's looking at me like, we'll see, pal. you can sit there and pretty much assume what it looks like from here right i mean we're in the same room you've been walking around you've looked you you got a pretty good idea don't you what this room looks like sitting there don't yet all right the only way you can really know is to get up, please. Get up. Come over here. Focus on me. Stay on me, okay? Now. Turn around. A little different than you thought, isn't it? Yeah, it is. That's a rugged group, isn' t it? I got my hands full, don' t I? Yeah, all right. Thank you very much. i suddenly feel like those i think those magic guys feel when they have the little thankfully a lovely assistant thing that was good i like that anyway you get what i mean you got to take the action to find out like you got to go try and serve to find out about the surf thing right you want to get but see the thing is is that it doesn't matter what your attitude is, does it? You can think, okay, Earl's on my next inventory for that little episode, right? Or he made me, right. Doesn't matter. Or you can think oh I wonder where this is leading and be just perfectly fine with it, right, not self-conscious or anything. We're safe here, we're among friends, right and just kind of exploring, just going along because you decided to trust me and just do this thing, right? And it doesn't matter where your head's at. It doesn't matter if you're afraid. It doesn't matter if it's hard for you. If you do it, you get a result, right. So I can go to the gym, right, and lift weights for 10 minutes. And at the end of this 10 minutes, I look to a friend of mine and I say, you know this weightlifting thing? These weights? They're very heavy. I've discovered. And the value of picking up this heavy stuff just to put it back down again, just to pick it back up again, just to pull it back out again, just to push it back in over and over and over again, is stupid. This is stupid! I hate it. Right? However, with this mindset, Every other day, I go to the gym thinking, I'm going to the stupid gym. And I'm gonna pick up these unreasonably heavy objects repeatedly. And I am going to go home, I see no point in this, I see not value, this is stupid. What happens? You get stronger, don't you? You go to gym every other day and pick up heavy stuff and put it back down again, you're gonna get stronger. it will the action that you take will affect a change right doesn't matter what you think about it like my sponsor said you don't have to like this you don' t have to think it's a good idea you just have to do it if you do it take the actions that are suggested here it will affect a change in your life so you can be afraid of all this stuff of letting go of the option of drinking but if you do this contrary, contrary action, it will bring about a change in your life. You may find yourself looking at it differently. You might find yourself relieved of the fear of letting go because you have and you're okay. And all that you're missing is the component that's killing you. Good deal, okay? I believe I've addressed that. Now, step eight, step nine. Steps eight and nine. Step eight, made a list. Harmless enough. A rather benign step, wouldn't you say? What are you doing? I'm making a list. Of what? People I've harmed. And I'm going to become willing to make amends to them all. Now, in the book, a lot of conversation like I said before because they're letting me out of the house. I'm gonna go talk to people now. I'm gotta go expose them to the new wonder of Earl. I'm goin' to let a little of my light shine upon them. I'm going to expose them to a remarkable spiritual path how lucky for them I'm always amazed are you all feeling a little lethargic you ate and we're all kind of sitting here because you got a different energy about you right now before lunch I'm getting a lot of this Yeah, yeah, yeah. Come on. Bring it on. I mean, yeah! Now I'm getting it like this. I'm going... That's great, Earl. That's good. Beautiful. Let's just shake it off, all right? Got to stay in the room. Got to say, I had my lunch in three minutes. I ate with many fellas. We had a lot of guys. We went to lunch, right? Everybody got served, was enjoying a lovely meal while I waited for mine. I got mine, wolfed it down. Believe me, I'm fighting the urge to do this. But then that's what caffeine is for. Eight and nine. Tricky. Very, very tricky. High wire without a net. Dangerous steps. Alright? Follow me closely. Lives hang in the balance. I'm going to demonstrate now. And if I get hurt, I get heard and we'll just have to get another speaker. Because you never know if you're going to make it through one of these. But I'm gonna demonstrate the precarious nature of amends. Okay? You ready? I'm very sorry. Thank you. Yes, I did steal your car. And I'm sorry. I estimate the value of the car at $10,000 at the time of the theft if that is acceptable to you I will give you this check and I will pay you monthly until that balance is cleared and I will not go steal his car and sell it to pay you for the car I stole from you to make amends means to change so amends is not a get out of jail free card you know I don't get to insult you apologize and then five minutes later insult you apologize, I'm clean let's keep moving I hate you, sorry right you never should have had children sorry my favorite I'll get into that later remind me to talk about Bobby A one of the great minds of AA on how to get around this sort of stuff I love the lengths we will go to avoid just doing it You know, I make direct demands whenever possible except when to do so would injure them or others. Okay? I'm a firm believer that I don't go back to the drug dealer that I ripped off. Right? Knock on the door of the den itself. Go into the depths of the Den to Mr. Evil and say, about those two kilos of cocaine. You know, I'm really sorry about that, man. This is an idiot in action here. There are other ways. Now, a lot of guys will tell you there's no such thing as a living amends. Have you heard that one? How many have heard there's not such thing as a life sentence? No such thing is a living immense. Okay, no such things as a live immense. Okay. Okay. I, however, there are certain things that I do on a daily basis in my life that are in the nature of an amends. Am I clean? Yeah. Do I walk the earth a free man? Yeah. Are there certain amends that I make kind of as an ongoing aspect of my life? Yes. To people who have died. Can you make amends to dead people? Absolutely. Absolutely. Write them a letter. Make the amends. How do you know they're not listening? Right? And is it really necessary that they hear it or that you say it? You know? My side of the street. My side. My side to the street, I'm cleaning my side of this street. I don't pay back people my money, I pay them back their money. My side in the street My side on the street I've got to get my side on this street clean. That's what I'm trying to do here. In 4 and 5, I set things straight about the stuff that I'm putting between me and you and me and God. I clean it up to the best of my ability. 6 and 7, I hook it back up with God asking God to remove the defects of character because I'll remove the wrong stuff. When I'm hooking it backup with you, I'm clearing away the stuff that I put between us. It's an amazing capacity, the capacity of this alcoholic to borrow $1,500 from you to be paid back a week from Tuesday. When you approach me a week form Tuesday, I am insulted at the badgering. How I can turn your kindness and generosity towards me into my resentment towards you effortlessly. Right? This is a bizarre way of doing things that I'm quite capable of. I've got to get out of this. Who's going to get me out of it? You? Oh, there's a plan. This is the good plan. My personal well-being is contingent upon what you do or don't do. That's a good way to live, right? If I do that, I'm at the mercy of buffoons. I made a pledge in my life, in my amends, in an attempt to change who I am. I made up my mind. I made it a pledge to nonviolence that I am not a violent man. I do not raise my hand to other human beings. I don't doing that. And that is not contingent upon what you do or don't do. If that's the case, then I'm at the mercy of fools. I'm nonviolent until you come up and say something offensive to me? And then I'M VIOLENT? Prisons are filled with guys that go to sleep every night saying, I really wish I hadn't done that. If only he hadn't said that to me. Right? It's insanity. If I decide to be nonviolent, then I decide that's my commitment. And it's not contingent upon what you do or don't do. If I'm going to decide I do this inventory work and I recognize and come to a place where I understand that I am responsible for this and I need to make amends to you from my side of the street, then that's that. That's what I do. I go and I apologize. What you do with that is not the point. It's got nothing to do with it, right? I mean, people say, you know, I made amends. You know,I did what you said, Earl. I went out and I made an amends and the guy threw me out of his office. Okay? So the amends thing doesn't work as far as I'm concerned. Sure it does. Did you make the amens? Yes. Did you mean it? Yes. Then it worked. He threw me on. Yeah. That's up to him. That's his decision for him. We don't concern ourselves with that. This is my side of the street. I must clean my sideofthe street. I had Al, he's the guy who sponsored, my second sponsor. He used to say that he turned his will and his life over to the care of God and God turned it over to The Sheriff's Department. And he faced multiple felonies. And he faced them. And he walks here with a free man. He's not looking over his shoulder for anything or anybody. He's free. That is the idea here, isn't it? To get free. So, I continue to take personal inventory when I'm wrong properly. Let me go back. Nine, I make these direct amends. I lived in a one-room apartment for six and a half years because all my money went to making amends and when I came in, I believed that if I were to make direct amens wherever possible, I would live in this one-room apartment for the rest of my life. All the money I made would go to paying people off And when I died, I would assign the remainder of the debt to any children I might have at the time. At six and a half years, my sponsor said, you get to move to a nice place now and continue this process, which I did. And it took me a total of nine and a halve years to make my amends. And whenever I thought to myself, I've never been to Europe, I'd think, well, when I do go to Europe I'm going as a free man. When I would think, that's such a nice suit there. I would think, I would love to wear that as a free man. When I would this or that, or I'd meet some woman and I'd decide I need to shower her with gifts because clearly I alone am not enough. I would say, I would speak to myself, it would be nice to be in a relationship a free men. A free men, see I was a slave my whole life. From 12 to 28. Every minute of my adult life, I was a slave to alcohol and drugs. I want to be free. So I'm willing to do what's necessary. And as a result, I'm catching the buzz that I'm catchin'. Right? So, when in doubt, just do it. Just take the next step. You don't know what's going to come. Like I said before, the great news about this thing is is that whatever it is I know, there's more. So there's a new understanding as a result of new action. There's a New Experience as a Result of Staying the Course. All I have to do, you would think that if I chop wood and carry water and I walk from here to there and back and forth and back and forth, all I'm ever going to get is here to there and bag and forth bag and fourth. It's not how it works. This one book is not the same book they handed me when I got here. This book is NOT the same book that I went through for the first time. This is not the same book I went through for the 26th time. This is a completely new book for me. It is astonishing how I can sit with the new ones and say, okay, let us continue. You know, all right. If your man accepts your offer, it should be pointed out that the... Wow, that's really quite interesting, isn't it? To get over drinking will require a transformation of thought and attitude. We had to replace recovery, but isn't that interesting that I'd read that today. How pertinent that is to my... That little scenario there has just happened countless times in my life. Joe and Charlie's thing, the big book comes alive. Never have I heard of a process described more appropriately. The big book comes alive, it does. It's not black ink on white pages. Over there to be read and observed is something over here on this page. It actually comes to life. And how does that happen? How does what's written in here come to life? It comes to life when we pick up the concepts and ideas outlined in this book and execute them in our lives. That's how it comes to life. That'ts how it come to live. When you all come into AA and they say read about this book, how should I do that? And they say well there's people here that have several years, some of them many, many years of sobriety that are conducting big book studies. You think curious? You'd think in 22 years, he'd have gotten it by now. Maybe that's not why he's doing it. Maybe that'S not why he gets on an airplane and flies from L.A. to New York on Friday the 13th. Which by any reasonable human would say that's unreasonable, stay home. My way of looking at things, why would he do that? He's read it. What? Stop pestering people. Stay home. No. Bagels and Big Book. Is this necessary? I don't see that it is. It's not necessary, it's just how it comes to life. it's how it comes to life because I'll tell you what when I was new when I came through the doors when you were talking what I heard was blah, blah, bla, bla and I would go that's very nice thank you I don't understand a word of what you were saying I mean my head I say this often but it bears repeating in my head I mean I would go to Amy's and I'm going to sit there and say alright, alright I found my seat I found me seat if I'm going to say it's great, it's good, it rarely saw something really says something you know I'm gonna have to get one of those books and find out what the hell he really suckers you know that just kind of went by me no you know what's going on over there 12 things well yeah those 12 things 12 steps yeah I read the thing on the wall very nice very nice and ABC ABC 12 things ABC good goodies down I didn't get a lot of that but you know just instead of my head just bring being being being been being being just insane you know this ideas this beautiful, spiritual, deep principle just bouncing off my skull. Just not getting in. You know? You know what I mean? All I got to do is go meeting, listen man, go home, no drink. You know. And Pace in the apartment, Jesus Christ, what was that guy talking about? He was talking about something. But you know what? And it was blah, blah, bla, bla. But I'm looking at the guy up there. I'm looking at the guy and he's talking about how he drank and I'm thinking, that guy's having a very good time. He seems very comfortable being who he is. The best definition of happiness I've ever heard is wanting what you've got. That guy seems happy. He seems to be enjoying his life. He doesn't seem to be fettered down with all these problems and indecision. People look at me and they think, step back, I think your skull's going to explode. Just this very tense person all the time. If I was awake, you know, a little anxious. And this guy's comfortable, you know? He's cool. He's up. He's good. He's great. He's got it. He's going to be good. And I think that's an example. I don't know what he's got, but he's Got something. I don' t know why he continues to Be here because clearly whatever It is you get, he's God. I don''t understand why, but thank God he's there. I'm going to go ask him how he Got that. You seem relatively calm. How? How? Really, you want to know how to be calm? Yeah. I know I'm standing still, but it says, yeah, but you look like you're going about 60 miles an hour or I'll stand in there. Yeah. Calm. Need calm. Help calm. Get calm. okay read this okay now I could have said excuse me I don't understand why reading this is going to make me feel better I don' t get it explain it to me no why not because you're not going to get that either I'm speaking newcomerese to you like Donald used to do to me he took me to the meeting and said Earl we make 550 cups of coffee here every Friday night for the next year you're making them I said, screw you. I'm ready to kill myself or several other people at any moment. And here you are saying to me, make a little coffee. I don't think you understand the severe nature of this particular moment in my life. And he said, fine, then drink. I said... You see, there's no talking to you people. I'm trying to have a conversation about this. The problem at hand. I'm being current. And what you give me is make coffee or drink. Fine, I'll make the damn coffee. Now he could have said, Earl, let me explain something to you. There's this thing called spiritual service out of self. Huge. One of the biggest gifts we have in here. And the fellowship we get together, what we try to do is we try to take actions and do things in a certain way to demonstrate what can happen to people around here, the value of certain things. So you're probably thinking because you're the new guy, you're the grunt, we're giving you the dirty work and we're going to make you make our coffee for us. That's not what's happening. We're giving You a great gift. See, because every Friday night you're going spend four and a half hours getting to the meeting, getting the pots filled with water. In the middle of the week you've got to go out there and get your little condiment thing together. You've got get the coffee and the little swizzler things and you've gotta get this and that. You've gotta the tea for the little tea people and you gotta get the three different kinds of sugar the real kind, the pink fake, the blue fake. You've gonna get all this stuff together so you got all your table and you got everything ready and you gotta go fill the pots and you gonna put the pots together and you're gonna make coffee and you get everything right you gotta put the pot in different places so you don't blow out the fuses right so you get anything and you make the coffee and you've got the coffee for the people and then the people being a little intense no right I got my coffee set up and the guy comes up and he gets the cup of coffee and he puts the swizzle stick down on the table I'm over there yeah bro you born in a barn pick that up I am running in this coffee area right here. Unacceptable. People are in the meeting going, dude, the coffee guy. What's with the coffee man? And the sponsor comes in and goes, no more coffee for you. Because I'm in the back just... Because I've had nine cups of the turbo pot over here. You know what I mean? They used to say that there was five 100-cup pots and then there was one 55-cup pot and they used to stay about that pot that three cups was a slip. I made fierce coffee. What I discovered as a result of doing this, right, was that I didn't get to think about Earl for four and a half hours on Friday night. I was too busy worrying about the coffee and making sure that I did not screw it up and get fired from AA to think about me. Tremendous relief. I left there every Friday night feeling better. because a self-centered guy like me wasn't thinking about me. I was being of service, out of self, more God, out of self more God. The healing was happening. I'm an alcoholic who knows if he drinks he's going to die and part of what I do for that is I make 500 cups, 50 cups of coffee for total strangers every Friday night and healing begins. Now as a newcomer, if you'd have said that to me it would have done like most things did. But if you said do it or drink, got it. make the coffee. And I could be angry and just not like it and have a bad attitude. As long as I did it, I got the result. As long als I did i, I got th result. The ninth step is no different. You do it, you get the result It doesn't matter if they're happy with you, mad at you. It doesn' t matter. Love you, think you're wonderful. One of the things that I was told to avoid when I did my ninth step was to avoid going out and saying, Listen, I'm a sober man now. I'm on a spiritual path. Powerful, you say? I think so. Very, very powerful, sober man. Great events are occurring in my life and I'm going to share them with you now. And when we're done you're going to leave thinking thank God I know that man. my life is different and may I say quite a great deal better having known him the transformation the turnaround he is a message for us all isn't he please I'm sorry here's your money back in the house get out of this hole you know ain't I great no I'm so sorry and change to make amends means to change change I don't do that anymore I lied to you. You were hurt by it, and I'm sorry. Anything I can do to make this right, let me know. And I'll be happy to do it. And so that you know, I'm really working on the lying thing. Right? Now, I don't know about you. As for the lying things, I lie. I will lie for no reason. I don't know if you are familiar with the lying for no reason. It's a remarkable moment, isn't it? When somebody says to me, Earl, how are you? Good. What did you do today? I went to the movies. As I think to myself, you didn't go to the movie. Why did you tell this person that you just went to the movies? This in no way improved your standing with this person to tell them that you went to the movies. You said, I went to movies. They went, oh, good. There was no point in it. It served no purpose. It had no value. You clearly lied just instantly out of nowhere for no reason. And the only thing I've been able to come up with on this, the only reason I can figure that that happens from time to time is because in some part of me, I'm very, very worried that I'm going to become bad at it. And you never know when you're going to need a really good one, right? So you just occasionally throw one out there to kind of keep it oiled up. You know what I mean? That's the only reason I can come up with. I have no idea why that happens. Many people that I know have had the experience of asking me something, I've answered it, And as soon as I was finished answering it, I said, you know that was a lie, don't you? Yeah, we're used to that, Earl. It's not a problem. You know, here's what really happened. That's another great gift in recovery, by the way, is the ability to, the opportunity to go to somebody and say, in the middle of a conversation, I'm in the middle of the conversation with you, and be able to go, time out. Time out. Erase everything I just said. I'm bending the truce, you know what I mean? I don't like the way this is going. You know, I'm behaving like an idiot. You know what, and the fact is I'm not an idiot, I'm just behaving like one right now. And let's start this over. Now another recovering person is going to go, wow, that was cool. A normie may be a bit alarmed by this. Don't be concerned, they get to drink, they'll work their way through it. I got to clean it up as soon as I can, which brings us to 10. Now, I believe the action plan to be one is problem, two solution, three decision, four and five me, six and seven God, eight and nine you, four through nine action plan to bring the solution of step two about in my life. To make it not words on a page, but to make it real for me by these actions that I take. Okay? 10, 11, and 12 keep me in the game. 10 is me, 11 is God, and 12 is you. Because as I go through 4 and 9, I can do this to the absolute best of my ability and I can begin to affect the change in my life. But odds are, having lived the way I've lived for so many years, I'm barely scratching the surface on this stuff. There's worlds within worlds here. This stuff goes as deep as you want to take it. Right? But in that first pass, I've introduced myself to the processes that are available there. The principles that are afoot in those steps. The nature of relationships with God, self and others. I'veintroduced myself to this. I want to keep this rolling in my life. I wantto keep this going in mylife. I don't want to do a nice little one day workshop and then go back to my old ways. I beseech you. how long has it been since someone beseeched you I beseached you do not do that make a move make a movement in your own defense in defense of your own life take an action do something different do something in addition to what you currently do add to the mix expand, enlarge upon what we already have, right? 10, 11, and 12 allow me to do that. Allow me to keep the ball rolling. 10, me, 11 God, 12 you, which we will explore immediately following the break. Thanks for listening.