Coming to Believe and Higher Power – Step Workshop – Part 1 of 2 – Theresa F.

joining us thank you ali again my name is theresa i'm an alcoholic thank you for joining us in our workshop series this week where we're doing steps two and three i was saying as i was getting ready i was like i feel like oprah the master class yeah to bring on all these guests um so uh when i we did this last week with mckenzie i think it worked well where um if you can kick off like 20 minutes and then i'll do 20 try to save each other 10 minutes because you know thoughts come up after you listen to somebody and what they shared and then uh we'll open up a q a but i'm excited for our guests tonight uh you know i when i talked to ali about this after his prayer and meditation on on doing the workshop i thought about women that i admire i respect they just have a love for recovery and their miracle stories and amy's one of those people she has one hell of a miracle story if you haven't heard her whole story find her uh i'm always blown away and i think what cracks me up is a lot of times we've spoken together right and we've traveled together or i'll happen to be where they're speaking and i always think it's funny that i'm in awe of them and then they're like i'm in all of her so i think that's how this program works because we're mirrors and reflections of one another right that we're miracles uh we have a passion and enthusiasm for recovery we're willing to go to any lengths right to keep this thing going and we don't know how not to give this away and that is amy so i'm excited for you guys to hear my guest tonight amy come on up amy kick us off two and three thank you so much i of course adore you and uh you're one of my heroes and i just love you and i i love the laughter of alcoholics anonymous it's what keeps me and holds me here because if it was my life was dark and there was nothing funny and you had to offer me a sufficient replacement and a sufficient substitute and the joy and the laughter and the camaraderie and the women empowering women and men supporting men and all the great things that happen here for me that is what has become the sufficient substitute for the drink um and i had to have that of course i didn't have that early on nothing was funny when i got sober and i would be angry if you laughed literally like i was like what's so funny you know we're dying here this is serious why don't you get serious our life is on the line and everything was very uh dramatic and and very dark and and uh this god business was also very serious um to me um you know with step two um you knew that we came to believe to me that means that i came somewhere right i used to be somewhere else but then i came here and and that's what happened to me i used t o be over there and then i came here i came to believe i moved from one place i was to a new place and it didn't i didn't teleport there there was a process there was journey there were steps and doors and stairs and things that to get here to came here you know from where i was and so it wasn't i i literally came to belief i came into alcohol isonomist and began to believe and i love that in our 12 and 12 it talks about we um we we it's a process sometimes for us and that sometimes they a group is our higher power so really just quickly march 6 2010 as my sobriety date and um on that day the only thing i believed was that i was gonna die if i didn't do something different i believe that other people believed i was going to die if i didn't do something different um and i believe that if i went to the certain program that we had here in louisville that the women there seemed to be successful after completing that program and then maybe just maybe if i could hang in there because i'd gone to that place twice before but i didn't stay but i said if i could find somehow uh the fortitude to finish to stay that maybe i could be successful like those women and and um when i say this program it was a homeless shelter let me just get down to the nitty-gritty of it right you know i didn't have teeth i didn' t have this hair you know like none of this existed i i was literally coming off the streets just malnourished and badly mangled and you know and again you know step two and three talks about you know crushed under self-imposed crisis um and that's where i was but there was this homeless shelter in louisville and this homeless doctor has a program that you can go through right and it's free because when i got sober there wasn't medicare obamacare none of that like if you didn't have money too bad for you you know you just die on the streets and and there weren't places you could try to maybe wait in line for a scholarship bed but if you're like me um i remember going to one of those places one time to try to get in they were like come back thursday i can't come back Thursday i'm lucky i made it here one time i'm not coming back Thursday so so that was never gonna work you know for me but this place had its stores open 24 7 and you could just walk in off the streets and and um and lay down and if you wanted their help they would help you and if didn't they wouldn't it was that simple and my dad dropped me off there so i believe that like but it was a tough program like everybody talked about your last house on the block and you want to do a 30-day treatment you don't want to do what these girls are doing you know because it's like a six to nine month program it's at a homeless shelter you gotta walk every day the rules are really strict the community holds you accountable i mean it's a whole i know now like a cognitive behavioral therapy at the time i was just like it's tough deal you know you don't want to go there um and that's all right i believe i believe but for the beginning that program was a higher power right so because they told me when to get up and when to go to bed and and they were telling me you know it's time to stand in line from to eat or like 200 women there was always a long line in the cafeteria and i wasn't even hungry that was first realization that sober people ate so much i was like why are we eating again my body was not used to food hey that often you know i was like once you know every two or three days i'm good you know but they would make you eat and stand in line to do that and all these things that i was learning and i was so overwhelmed but basically i had been being into a state of reasonableness and so what my life at the end of all things on march the 5th 2010 um i didn't know a lot i just knew i couldn't do that again i didn t have one more of those than me i just i didn' t and i we always find this strength that when we're drinking to go one more day in this abyss of darkness and sadness and oppression and um anger and frustration and you know just all these things in the end we will you know i love bill in uh his story on page six where he talks about waking up the next morning and can't get this outside of your head and you no he says i'll dare cross the street i'd be run over by a milk truck but i love because he says an all-night joint supplied what i needed man i knew all about those on my joints and how to get what i need it and you know bill wakes up with this you know the four horsemen essentially are on him and he's just dying and he doesn't know what to do in his mind he's racing and he he doesn't even know if he's going to get across the street but by the end of the paragraph bill goes from this desperation right but then he says a gin and then oblivion and man that's how i lived i woke up with these racing thoughts and thing and you know and i couldn't do it another day and i could understand me so i couldn's stand you i was what the book describes as dangerously antisocial and that means if you got between me and what i needed that day you were in a real bad spot because i had to get this yeah i had to get oblivion i had blot out the intolerable consciousness of my existence otherwise i was gonna i i was both suicidal and homicidal when i got sober i didn't know who i didn like more me or you but i couldn't stand it so uh so when i get there and this desperation you know and then and like step one right okay so i i admit it i think so many of us do step one before we ever get here that's how we get here right is i need help um we don't come here because things are great i didn't i got a friend in my home group he says i wasn't just you know leaving the laker store one day and thought wonder what those people in aa are doing you know that's not what happened like there was some precipitating event something something brings us here and it's not by accident that we arrive here at this salvation for us and for our for the lost souls of alcoholism and um and then so that came to believe i came from the streets to you right i came from this darkness the sadness this uh death this living death to you to alcoholist anonymous to healing place and then you know my sponsor would tell me what to do and she seemed good she was doing better than me so i started listening to her and and i love the old timers that'll say god good orderly direction hey and so god was it what i was i was getting that from my sponsor i was getting that from the healing place i was getting good orderly direction i was we have this thing in louisville will say about the newcomer that you know they can't go two blocks unattended and i i couldn't go to blocks unattendant i had to be like directed and told and some of that was the you know i drank a lot then and i fought i used to fight a lot and a lot of knocks to the head you know so i i you know i didn't know if i was coming or going so you almost had to take me by my shoulders and be like that way and i'm really okay i'm going that way you know um you know it's sit down stand up amy it's time to eat amy it's kind of lay down you know like i needed direction and not just like in the beginning i i'm 11 years sober i need my sponsor more now than i did in march 6 2010 because let me tell you in march six 2010 i knew someone you know i'm like i'm a little goofy uh but you get a few 24 hours together and you start thinking you know something right the body heals the lawyer returns the ego is constantly trying to resurface i sponsor women who sponsor women who sponsor woman i've i have shared a podium with theresa i mean come on you know and so i need my sponsor because she's like you're still an idiot like i you gotta stay right size in this deal i have this brain this disease that wants the ego to to manifest to come you know and be in charge and and in steps two and three i surrendered the ego right and that's why i've got to revisit that constantly it talks about being right sized right size for an alcoholic with a tremendous ego wow wow the humility that's necessary um i'm all about promises you know even on the streets you're like i'm gonna do this but what are you gonna do you know i always i'm always in it for the get i i'm still that way right and and in step three you know we're told that um it's one of my favorite lines but it does because i love the word remarkable i don't know why that i love that word but i just love the world remarkable hey it it it's worth marking it's it's not just a normal thing it's a remarkable thing it something you know if you had a highlighter you would run a highlighter over it or you put a star by it or he would circle your calendar, because it's a remarkable event. And it's worth remembering and it says in our book, it tells us in that step two, and then that step three, that if we stay close to him and do his work well, right, the remarkable things will happen. And then if you go to page 100, as was my favorite promise, it says, if you persist, remarkable things happen. And then I lived this remarkable life. But when I think back to two, if you know, I struggled, I told you I took everything real seriously and see, I was on a life or death errand. Um, and that's what this was for me. And I thought I'm going to learn AA. I'm gonna be the best AA student. Like, I'm gonna memorize this book. I'm gonna read the 12 and 12. I'm gonna do the prayers. Right. I'm gonna do it all right. So that I can live, right? Because you got to like Teresa said, it's a masterclass. So I'm going to like, I'm 30 days sober and I'm like trying to do a masterclass in Alcoholics Anonymous. And so in steps two came to believe and in step three turned my will. You know, I didn't think I needed a degree in theology. Like how can I make this decision? I don't even, I've got to study, you know, Madonna was a Jew. She had practiced Judaism, but it was a certain sect. There's like 12 sects of Judaism, different departments. And I don't even know what the Hare Krishnas believe. Like, how can I decide? There's so many things. And I drove myself crazy and, you know, trying to, what God is, what God isn't, you Know, and I'm like, I need a theology degree. And I'm struggling and struggling and struggling to understand a God that already understands me. It's futile. It's not that I understand God. That's not the hit. The hit is that God understands me, And that's enough. That's enough, right? And I started seeing, I love how our book breaks it down. You know, we don't ask how electricity works when we turn on the light. I just turn on a light. There's light. That's exciting. I've come to rely on that. If I'm very confused if it doesn't work, I mean, I used not to be confused. I'm like, oh, didn't pay that bill. Who needs lights? But now I'm, like, a fuse. What is happening? something's wrong are the neighbors out you know i'm running up i'll go crazy because i rely on that i expect that to happen i faith that i'm going to flip the switch the light's going to come on and when i read this in the in in our book and we agnostics and then there's they they break it down so simple and and i love that they cover wherever you're coming from maybe you were a person of faith and you know circumstance and uh and the trees or the forest blocked you from the trees maybe you know my dad died october 19th of 2000 or 19. it was the most beautiful thing um i've ever seen in my life um i can imagine and i know there are people in my family who hadn't came to believe who don't live a life um close to their creator and they are angry they're angry at god um you know the dad died right why didn't i love my dad why did my dad die whatever it is maybe um god forbid the loss of a child or i think and we question our creator and with question how do these things happen and why do they happen to me and so many things that want to get between you and the universal oneness that we share you know um i'm so grateful that my spiritual life began when i came to believe. I came to believe that this worked, that I could be free of alcohol and even a desire to drink, that i could be placed on on solid ground, that l could be pulled from the scrap heap of life. Like see, l read that book and l believed that because as Silkworth said, you can rely absolutely on anything these men say about themselves. And so when l read that book i digested those words and they made sense to me and i highlighted the promises and i said and the fact is that men of faith women of faith um they have less suppression they have a suicide they have like this is i'm a nurse i'm all about the medical like show me the facts and these are the facts this is the great fact for us and i've seen the evidence when i'm in a meeting of alcoholics anonymous when i'm sponsoring a new woman i am sitting front row to the greatest show on earth i watch miracles happen and if i forget my miracle i'm reminded by yours but i have to be present to see it and the things that i see and the thing that i recognize are not possible by human hands they are impossible see i was beyond human aid i know that the woman that operates today um it's me but it is from a source right i am powered by a source that allows me to see myself differently that allows me to seek beauty in depth and comfort because in humanity it's the connection Carl Jung said, he thought when he wrote Bill Wilson, he said our thirst, the alcoholic thirst was on some level just a thirst for wholeness, right? It's a thirst voor wholenes. And through that spiritual development, that spiritual growth, that thirst is quenched and I feel whole. I feel like I have purpose and I'm with you and we can do these really amazing and remarkable and hard and beautiful and tragic and joyful things in this beautiful messy life we get to live and i'm no longer crushed by it but i can see it as a celebration so i came to believe all that that's not what showed up here march 6 2010 so if you're struggling with like oh what god is what god isn't what do i believe and you think you need a degree in theology like i did you don't it says are you willing or you know even a little bit you will come it develops because that's what step 11 is in place wait there's more see when we get to step 11 then we're gonna have a lifetime through prayer and meditation to develop this relationship but in the beginning all is required is a simple willingness simple willingness to say that's working for her something's working for her or him or them and maybe just maybe if I do what they do I'll get what they have and it'll work for me so my step three prayer you know of course me and the sponsor and we're on our knees and we say it together but that one let me tell you something about that one that's every day that's three or four times a day because i will god it is yours i'm giving you my life but i'm gonna need to hold on to that part i don't think you understand this part and i still do that right and so my biggest struggle with offering myself to god right i'm just here to in you right because i have plans and designs and i can surrender me but what about my kids can i surrender them what about my dad can i trust you with him these are the daily struggles you know and then even like this blew me away to reason i don't know about you but they're like god is concerned with every part of your day and i'm like really like really so i have a friend don majors who says whenever he leaves a situation so like we're doing this now so if i when we're done and i'M gonna leave my living room and i'm gonna go pet my dogs or uh go say good night to my son go to me to lay with my husband he prays and then he said to like help himself with that in the beginning he would hold the door for god so like if i'm going in somewhere or i'm leaving you know how you hold the door for the person behind you he opens the door and he waits just a second just a slight pause to invite god to come in with him to leave with him to change locations with him he does a tenth step before he moves through his day like am i done here have i done everything i'm supposed to do here okay god lets me and you go this next situation let's go to this next meeting um or this next patient because they i'm a nurse you know or this next thing that i have to do am i offering myself to god to do with me as he will real funny story to show you how crazy i was in the beginning i told you he's in this homeless shelter and they do this um uh community right so that's where the other women they tell you what you need to work on you know we see they say you carry your character defects on your back and you can't see them so you need uh you know a tribe to like say hey you're getting you know off the beam or you're selfish or that wasn't right or whatever and they can give you like punishments or consequences and you have to write words or stay extra clean up extra whatever it is and so when we would say the third supper and i said take away my difficulties that victory over them will bear witness um i thought that that meant god was gonna if you were like holding me accountable or you were gonna like punish me or give me a consequence or whatever to help me grow that god was gonna take that away so that you would know i'm right and god loves me and you're wrong so that's going to bear with those are my difficulties getting put on property restriction or something at the homeless shelter but anyway i was way far off but uh you know but i i learned you learn as you go and i think my difficulties where i don't have a car and it wasn't about that they would bear witness to god's love but they would bare witness to you know that that god loves me and i'm right and you're wrong because that was always very important to me my dad said one time amy do you want to be right or do you wanna be happy and i thought i had to think about that wasn't i was like right i want to be right you know like honestly i want it to be right um so i you know because that's right with everything you know if i'm right i'm happy so okay and then i thought that was a trick question he was asking me uh you can't ask an alcohol of course i want to be right right makes me happy i want but in truth i've learned uh that sometimes uh i just want to be happy and people have the right to be wrong and sometimes more often than not i'm the one that's wrong um so when i can surrender myself to god do that third step uh then i can render you to god right and i love this and for me me, God is oneness. He is the source of all things and he has love. And so for me, when I'm with you, I'm drawing closer to my creator because I am drawing closer to you. And the more I understand me, the more I do that prayer and meditation, the more I'm open and the third step prayer takes on new meaning and bigger meaning and greater meaning but i always i'm like a child in school there's an old day joke where the guy comes home and the lady's like you know how long did these classes take you know and he's like i have to go back every all the time and my friend johnny says everything i learned in alcoholics anonymous has a shelf life of about 48 hours so that's why you need to keep coming back to you guys and that's you know step three and that constant surrender and it just gets bigger um and bigger and bigger to what that means because i i will so quickly my ego will emerge i will take over what's going on i think i know best or you know i i'm gonna make the decision i'm not relying on god you know i'm saying god what would you have because and then our book talks about this that santa claus god god didn't give me what i wanted um and the flip side of that is asking what does god want from me it's not what i want from god it's what does God want from me and then when i stay close to him and i and i tried to do that right remarkable things happen it says all my needs are met. All my needs are met, all of them, all my needs are met." So the relationship between me and God has shifted where before, it's like in AA they say, you know, when you first come here, you're a taker, right? And at some point, you stop being a takers, you start being a giver in Alcoholics Anonymous, right. It's the same way with me and god, like I used to always, God what I want, what I wanted, what I want the Santa Claus God, that I needed him to do this and do that and do this. And if he doesn't do this or do that or do this the way I want him to, then I'm going to be resentful of God. I'm gonna push God away. I'm gotta lose faith in God, all these things, right? Because I have these demands, like I've put on everything and everyone in my life, every situation, right, I demand. and then so i demand from god and then when god doesn't give me my demands i feel like you know he's failed me and and i love it that today i don't ask god for things i ask what does he want for me what would you have me do right we say to ourselves many times throughout the day thy will be done not amy's will i've surrendered that and that sounds awful for an ego-driven highly intelligent movers and shakers that we are and alcoholics anonymous and that's the magic that's a magic see the magic happens there and when you can do that and i don't do it perfect and i Don't Do It Every Day And Like I Said Shelf Life Of About 48 Hours Here I Come Here come here i come back to my knees back to the surrender back to their great fact for me the evidence base 11 years of history shows every time it works this way but when i stay close to him and do his work to the best of my ability and i persist in that remarkable things happen remarkable things happen in my life and i could go on and on about all the remarkable things that happened and continue to happen in my life in the lives of women i get to witness but um so steps two and three for me i came to believe but i'm still coming i'm still coming that's so changing it's so growing there's an evolution there's shifting there's mercury and retrograde there's full moons there's spiritual awakenings there's more there's more it's like that commercial but wait there's more and just when you think you've discovered it all there's more you know and that it keeps me engaged and it keeps me coming here because i am an alcoholic who likes more more is my favorite drug more is my favorite drink and now i get to feed at the spiritual well where there is always more and that's remarkable so like i said if you're starting you don't need to be a theologian you don t have to go to seminary none of those things are necessary we keep it simple keep it simple stupid right so what i need to know is that there is a power it's bigger than me and it wants me to do well it's concerned with my happiness and my well-being and and and i get to get in the stream of life with that and i get to feel that com like physically feel the comfort of the the source surround me and swell up inside of me and bring me peace and sometimes bring me to tears and sometimes pull from me this joyous laughter that i don't even know where it came from or what i'm laughing about it just shares these things with me and i get to be present and i get to experience all of that and that is remarkable i no longer search for oblivion oblivion i don't want it i no longer want to be asleep i'm awake and i never want to go back to sleep to to all these facts that are around me so if you you know sub three if you have have to do it three or four times a day, do it. But let me tell you, the deeper you can commit to that surrender and give up your little plans and designs, the more you can say not what I want from God but what does God want from me? What am I supposed to be doing? The book set to be fit for maximum service. How does that happen? What do I need to do? How am I going to be of service today? How am i supposed to move through today and respond and react to the people I come in contact with or situations around me if i hold the door and ask god to go with me remarkable things continue to happen so i love you i'm really just here to hear teresa i i love you guys so much and then that's it that was awesome i'm really here to here amy it's funny because the whole time i'm like forgetting i'm participating i'm like i'll be all in it man i'm like yeah that's right that's why that's my girl oh that was just whoa okay that's what my dad used to say if anything like really throws you go whoa i'm like whoa and if anybody who's new i want to welcome you please listen to similarities not the differences keep coming back it's one day at a time one minute at a time when second at a time we're just sharing our experience just sharing our experience and hopefully you identify but the very least it gives you some hope yeah then it's possible for you man amy packed in a lot up in there that was good y'all i'm like ready to go ditto we're done questions no i kind of wrapped it up in a bow i don't think i can add anything to that because that's actually my same experience i had the same experience where it was just i believe because you believed i don't remember going i don know i i don t know i do know my neph i'm getting that from my nephew you know he's 18 he's always saying he doesn't know and i'm like yes you do it's starting to rub off on me i keep going i don't know i don' know anyway i do know um i will share this when step two i remember like doing steps in that sense i just did whatever i was told to do next right i remember hearing steps in the meeting and stuff like that but i don''t remember going i'm now going to approach two it was kind of like I can't live like that anymore so I have no idea what we're doing and I think I was in a fog for about three years. So it's amazing to me when I have like newcomers are so like know so much and they're so present. I'm like I don't even think I like knew what was happening for about a good three years and then I was like oh my god I'm in AA and I'm an alcoholic. Like my head popped out of my ass and I waslike oh my God I've been here for a while. And so I just kind of did it. What But what stands out to me, I always say I have all these little snapshots of experiences. And my grandmother died when I was six months sober. I don't know if she was my higher power or not. I know alcohol was. But remember, she died. She fell down the stairs in Puerto Rico, cracked her skull. Remember when they came and told me on the phone? I tore everything up in the room. It was like a fog. and we were on our way i think we went to get mom and we were on that way to the airport to go to new york and my mother's sponsor frida was sitting in the front seat she turned around and looked at me and she said whatever you do don't be angry at god now did i know what she meant did i go i don't have a god you know i don't remember like debating about all that I just took that nugget right and she said whatever you do don't be angry at God that's what I remembered she could have said more but I remembered that and I held on to that and when I came back from New York I believe I went into like a state of a coma so I felt like when they buried her I went in with her so when I returned to you i was just a shell of a person right i i wasn't talking anymore i went back to what i know how to do best which is completely disassociate right when i'm not safe and it was ronnie white leon strange and michael oliver and mainly uh leon strange and Michael Oliver now and then Ronnie would come but they were sitting on our couch i lived at a sober living and they would sit at the couch and they will go through the big book line by line more like people going to never too early big book i didn't go to never too early until later they came to my living room i kind of feel like vip but whatever i used to do it in my living remember it's over living and and so they would go through the pages of the book and look up words and it was shared and i don't know how long that lasted but what i do remember is that i didn't say a word my head was down i would show up i would be in the book i remember them reading and talking but you know what i mean i was not there right not once i'm gonna cry they didn't tell me we need you to participate you need to believe uh we're going through this so that you could recognize your alcoholism why aren't you saying anything we're showing up here every you know i mean every week i remember they said they just let me be right but i was there and we got to the chapter to the agnostics this is what I remember and they were reading and they would I don't even remember the passage but what I do remember that as they were talking I heard my dad my dad was a spiritual man right and I heard My Dad's wisdom come through those pages and I put my head up and I looked at them and i went my dad used to say that and they were all like yay she's back hallelujah we know we lost you forever i'll always remember that they were like whoo she speaks again right and i think i went months like this okay guys it wasn't like a week i'm talking about a long time and so the chapter to the agnostics itself that experience said to me perhaps these religious people are right you see there was language in there that was familiar but i in some way had lost touch right with all that meant my dad lived and walked this level of spirituality i i understood that there was some type of higher power and other entity and being i had a relationship with the spirit realm and somehow that got distorted right with with all the other things and it was a to me i call the every step is an invitation it was an invitation to re-examine to look at it from a different perspective i heard this woman sharing a meeting once she feels like aa is the click of a lens that every time we continue to keep coming back and doing the work the lens keeps clicking into focus and that was an opportunity kind of another click of what do i believe right who am i to say that they start asking a lot of questions do i even think i'm crazy that's a big one on step two right i'm not insane Do you know that that's insane to say that I'm not insane? I'm not insane. Why am I trying to defend that? Do you understand? They're not saying that I have mental illness. What they asked me to do was an invitation to examine my relationship with alcohol and was that insane? And see, that's how I understood too. that i'm believing how did i understand that because i was listening to you guys tell me how you're no longer doing those behaviors than i did or every day all day and you started telling me that that's not normal right whether i'm i come out of a hospital and i end up back in a bar that's insane where i would put my paycheck in a money order mail it to myself and i'm trying to get it out of the mailbox at three o'clock in the morning normal people don't do that and yet i say i rationalize and i justify that i have every right to get my money well why the hell did you put it in the mailbox in the first place right that's completely insane so this behavior of how i relate to seeking to obtain a substance is the insanity that you asked me to look at but yet i tell myself that that's not insane so to me I wasn't in the debate anymore I was here because I became cognitive I became aware of the insanity I like how Ralph says I don't know I'm in it till I'm out of it so when I'm in it I don'T KNOW I'M COCOA FOR COCOAPUPS because it makes complete sense to me and I'm hanging out with people that it makes sense to them like I'm not paying my bills anymore I don' t even see why i need to pay my bills as a matter of fact i ain't paying the light bill no more somehow i think something wrong with that and i'm hanging out with my other alcoholic and addicts friends going yeah you don't need to bear your bill i don't see why you're gonna be paying no daggone bill i'm like for real i could do a whole lot with that money yeah we got candles yeah we got candles as a a matter fact i can go plug my thing up next door outside and use their electricity so that's insanity when i'm with other people going that makes sense and i'm straight up believing do you know what i'm saying and so as i've had an opportunity to look at my relationship with alcohol and what was happening i came also to believe that i was completely cocoa for cocoa pops it amazes me when people look at their relationship with alcohol and go i don't know if i'm in agreement with being insane you don't then you need to do some more examination because that right there is not sane and so i also came to believe that i was insane i really did because i didn't think i was saying i thought it was normal i didn t know that i couldn't differentiate the truth from the false that my perception was distorted that my alcoholic life was a normal life and that's why i always invite the newcomer to take advantage of this moment this is an opportunity right when we're new this moment of clarity i was just talking to one of my my nephew's friends oh i love it when he calls me he's in treatment it's so cool right now my nephew is calling his aunt well whatever right and so he calls me and i tell him like we do crazy things like listen to our own mind how is it that i'm gonna listen to the very mind that got me in the situation in the first place and convince myself that i'm going to figure out how to get out of it and there are certain things that i say to myself that makes completely sense to me but when i begin to talk to most of you you start poking holes in my insanity and that helped me too when i came here i remember old timers they used to say i think they go that's the problem i think that's the problem don't know if one of my sponsees is it on here i'm gonna use her as an example and it's just the insanity of my mind i remember telling her i think it's a good idea if you write right i used to write every day just journal every day dear god letter write inventory just write and she was like you know what i know you've said that a few times but i'm really not comfortable writing i don't like writing anything down because i really believe that somebody's going to find it and read my writing and i can't have anybody read what i wrote i'm really really concerned about that so there has to be another way but i'm not going to write anything in a notebook i mean she was really adamant you know like i can't write someone's gonna find it that made perfect sense to her right thank god she said it out loud because the only thing i said was i hear you but don't you live alone like who's gonna read your writing do like that kind of you know what i'm what i'm saying what we got people like in the neighborhood like breaking in the houses to read your stuff like but you know what it wasn't until i said that that she was like oh snap that's insanity and i need to believe that that can be restored when i'm talking about came to believe that a power greater than me can restore me to sanity and i love how you said that amy the power greater than mika be the group the power greater to me at that moment could be my sponsor because they have a sane sound mind and I don't my disease is centered in my thinking and so I'm thinking distorted like somebody's gonna read my writing that I live alone or somebody's saying uh I was just talking to him my my I just want to talk about this because it's funny when we look back at it I was telling him my nephew's friend he was saying I'm gonna run away I need to run away right because he had told his mother I'm getting loaded I'm doing drugs so now he's on the watch right he's in the watchful eye of the whole family okay and so he tells my nephew um he texts him and I'm just gonna run away I need to run away and I said you're 18 you're just leaving doing like you don't run away at 18 man you know what I'm saying like what do you think you're doing and he was like oh snap you know like just leave we didn't runaway you ain't 12 so so he was straight up plotting and planning an escape you know what i mean i'm like you a grown-ass man you know you could just leave well his head was telling you know i'm saying that is what you helped me to do and do where other thank god we're not crazy on the same day and what is this higher power it's more like what bill saw in evie okay bill saw something different about evie the moment that evie mentioned religion bill says my mind closed shut but actually it didn't i like that part of the story those at the moment he mentioned i got religion I have enough booze here to keep drinking while he preaches on, right? But did Bill's mind really close shut? It actually didn't. He began to think about what God was in his life and when did that change. And that was my experience with you. As you began talking about your experience, I started to start asking about mine. And that's how I came to, I began to start having an open mind. Step two is an open mine to the possibility that just maybe I don't have all the answers. Is it possible? Is it impossible Teresa that you don't know everything? What a concept it's possible. Now, thank goodness. I'm with other alcoholics that don't tell me, can't you admit that you know nothing? i don't think i would agree to that you understand ain't no punk you trying to call me stupid no this is what it said to me is it possible that just maybe you don't know everything you know to me that's like with sugar i don you know what i mean like okay you don t think it's possible it's possible i don't i'll go with the possibility that just maybe god could be everything or nothing it's impossible that those religious people could be right it's possible that perhaps all of the other things that happen i blame god for all the dysfunction in religion i like the word possibility like you like remarkable things happen i like possibility because what it does is it helps me to just let go of the reins man alcohol if you play tug-of-war boy you don't see it just helps me just let goes just a little bit just a and i'm open let's see what happens i also agree i love how you broke that down that was a big deal for me too amy with the electricity look i rely completely on electricity for me there was an appreciation of the association with electricity mainly not because i rely on it but because electricity electricity surprisingly does not dominate me but it illuminates enough for me to function this is what worked for me I don't know if it'll work for you okay so okay it's almost like I've been stumbling in the dark I don'T have any electricity I have nothing going on in my house okay and I'm in the darkness I can't eat my refrigerator doesn't work I don' t even know other people there i can't see them at night and so i come to aa and you tell me that there's a thing called the department of water and power and all this time i have been relying on living life on my own source of power but i'm not generating enough power i don't even have a generator i think i do but i don'T EVEN HAVE A GENERATOR AND EVERYONE ELSE IS LIVING WITH THIS ELECTRICITY SUCCESSFULLY BUT SOMEHOW I'M SAYING I DON'T NEED THE DEPARTMENT OF WATER AND POWER I'M GOING TO FIGURE THIS OUT ON my own but i'm starving i'm hungry i'm tired i'm in the dark and you say all i gotta do is agree to the department of water and power and i want you to believe that the insanity of saying that i can keep living without the departmentofwaterandpower is absolutely ridiculous when i'm a third world country okay there's a thing called departmentof water and now once i tap into this source of energy something happens now i'm gonna do a little disclaimer because i've seen paranormal activity and i know that this does happen for certain people but this is not what i'm referring to okay so those of you who believe in paranormal activity this is a different conversation okay so for the most part okay the electricity that i have in my home that source of power does not tell me what to do that source is so powerful that it can illuminate and set forth energy and electricity globally not even just in my house but this source of energy is so big and so powerful, that it goes all over the world right different time zones places times and people okay and i now have access to it and when i flip the switch or plug in the plug again this is not paranormal activity i know that it happens for some families okay we're not talking about that that's another movie okay what i'm talking about is when i turn on the switch electricity does not say to me now that i have all power okay now that I am total source I am all things it's not the moses experience or whatever i am who i am okay we're not doing that okay that's not what it's doing right what it says is it doesn't say this to me now that i have all power teresa you know what you're gonna do you're going to read a book because i'm only going to illuminate the light in the corner under the bookshelf and that's the only place you're going to get light so you're gunna have to read that book okay now you're done reading that book now you gonna go watch tv that is a puppeteer that is puppet master believe it or not that was my relationship with alcohol i thought i had all source and power alcohol really had it but it was illuminating only the areas that it needed my under divided attention to whether i wanted to participate in or not check that out that's real deep i didn't know that i was like what okay he was the master musician a magician whatever you call that okay i had this thing and i was running stuff so this power that you guys found all it did was provide a source of energy that now i'm in this home and i have access to so many things i could do you give me the freedom of choice i didn't have choice before that's what step three was to me how in the heck am i gonna make a decision if i'm not in choice has that occurred to anybody how can you ask me to make a decision if i don't have choice you introduce me to my will alcoholics anonymous introduced me to my will it is a god-given gift and god does not take it away i think about what type of higher power what type up the alpha the omega the creator of heaven and earth from the insects to the animals to the human species can make me self sufficient this higher power you found needs my permission to participate look y'all okay i always said maybe i'm very telemonover and very dramatic i don't know which one it is but it's been to my benefit quite frankly okay because i was like okay hold up you talking about a higher power that needs my will now i think the closest that anybody can come to understand that is a parent if you a parent you know exactly what that is you create this child in your image carry it sperm it whatever bring it into the world scream and yell birth be elated right have all the hopes and dreams feed it clothe it take care of it protect it do all that and your child gets to an age where they're like i ain't talking to you no more i'm going through that with my oldest nephew he's 23 and he calls me to tell me that i don't know nothing you know what i'm saying so i'm waiting till he's 30 when he realized i was right and then i'll wait till he'S 30 so i got like seven more years for him to work that out right but could you imagine and every part of me has to respect where he's at right well you have a child that now says i know better as a matter of fact i don't like you i don' t need you they went through that certain age development but they go and so i think about this higher power who needs my permission to make a decision to me that's a higher power that i can't wrap my head around I cannot wrap my head around something that requires my permission. And all it's going to do is provide a source that I will have access to, to do things beyond anything I can explain. That's remarkable. It's goingto illuminate this energy in this space everywhere I go so I can see where I'm useful. it's not a puppeteer i'm not a puppet that's not how i saw it it's gonna make me useful no i can now see where i'm useful you know what i'm saying because i've tapped into something so it's not so scary to me when i'm able to digest it in that way as a matter of fact i become empowered i'm not disempowered the insanity and the illusion delusion the distorted perception before I came to you was that I was in power and I wasn't I had my alcohol was my master it was pulling all the strings and letting me believe that I Was running the show ain't that deep I didn't know and y'all told me no we found a power that cut the strings we found the power around here all we did was make a decision when I say I'm gonna make a decision to turn my will and my life over to this power my will it does not say make a decision to turn my life over to the power I did that with alcohol that's why I don't know why if you be alcoholic like me why is that a difficult decision I did it with alcohol I sold my soul my will and everything to alcohol and drugs and I didn't take a whole lot of time to decide that either why because I like the effect produced by it well I like The Effect that AA produces if I'm a person that likes The Effect why am I twisting on that I like THE EFFECT that this produces there was something else you mentioned which is true it was funny because i was just talking to him and i was saying to him isn't it amazing that all this time i was drinking and using or whatever thinking that i wanted to be disconnected right i wanted to go into oblivion i wanted to disassociate that's not even true that's a lie i was drinking and using so that i can associate so that I can be connected isn't that what most people say I drank when I before I drank I didn't feel connected and I feel like I belonged I was scared I felt like I was stupid I couldn't dance I wasn't enough I didn t know how to talk I didn d know how walk I didn know how function and I took a drink and what happened now I could dance now I can talk now I ca hang out with you right so I ve been looking to be connected I have been on a journey seeking the source of power. I just so happened to have found it in a bottle. And it was short-lived. It just so happens that I had found it in money, but it was short-lived. I found it in a job and a title. I found them in relationships. I found that in many areas and they also took my will. But here this is what I've been looking for all along honestly that's how I felt when I began listening to all of you and I listened to step 2 I listened to 3 and what it asked of me I'm going to tell you what I said to myself I've Been Looking For This My Whole Life I Knew This Land Existed But I Didn't Know Where I Get Emotional I don't hear it talked about often. It's always talked about like a miserable sentence. For me, coming into the program was not a miserable sentence. I felt like I had finally found what I had been searching for my entire life. I knew that spirit was good. Deep down inside, that's why it says deep down inside in every man, woman and child is the fundamental idea of God. What does that mean? Does that mean that I deep down Inside I have the definition of God? That's not what that means. Deep down inside is the Fundamental Idea. Fundamental is the basic ground. So the basic ground that I have is that I knew that something was there. deep down inside i've always known that something was there it just wasn't tangible and i have been looking looking outside of me outside of my mind outside of you outside of the outside of me and it's never been enough it would abandon me leave me betray me right but the one you guys found has never left you, needs your permission. You have to invite it. You know what I'm saying? I was like, what? And all I need is a mustard seed of willingness. Step three is willingness. I always think about this old time of Gloria. Gloria used to say, she still rings. I love the congruency around here. You guys be brainwashing me. But Gloria, I can hear her still in my head. I remember once I went to, I said, Gloria, you know what? I think I'm stuck on step three. I think i'm having a problem with step three. I really think i'M stuck and she would always say, you can't be stuck on. Step three step three says made a decision if you ain't made a decision you're still trying to come to believe that's what Gloria said I still hear Gloria do you know after she said that I didn't say she didn't understand me I was like I ain't stuck no more you know what I mean well there you go that's my insanity right I think I need to ponder on this a little bit longer he's like girl you need to figure out you're an alcoholic or not, you tripping, you know what I'm saying? You're still trying to come to believe. Get it together. So the moment I came to believe, I realized that I'm powerless, right? Do I need any more convincing? Really also the invitation in step three is A, that I am an alcoholic and I cannot manage my own life. B, that probably no human power can relieve me of my alcoholism. And C, that God could and would if he was sought. Are we twisted on that? what am i twisting on either it's a b and c or it isn't and if it isn t I can go back out and find out some more because it also says being convinced how did I be convinced you notice that it says in the book being convinced I'm now at step three where was I convinced well when I examined my relationship with alcohol when I began to understand what alcoholism was and I connected the dots and i found out that's who i was i no longer rationalize and justify the behavior i found that it's cunning baffling and powerful which means what deceitful out for its own game it evades is perplexing you can't see it it's confusing and it has ultra exceptional strength i don't need to look for my alcoholism do you know that i can't see my alcohol ism that's what cunning and baffling powerful means i'm gonna need a power that is greater than that i'm going to need a power that has the ability to see what i can see and that's where later intuitive thought comes in but i'm telling you that's how i understood it cunning baffled and powerful ain't no joke i know we hear people say it all the time kind of happening powerful look that look that up because i can't see it and because i can see it in the moment i think i see it it evades and it turns into something else how does it look like i could see it i was talking to another sponsor earlier today you know what i'm gonna do i'ma work on my alcoholism today and i'm going to make sure that whenever my alcoholism creeps up i'm gonna work a step good luck with that because i can't see you let me know how that works for you because you know what i can t work on my recovery when it comes up you know when my alcohol comes up because i can't see it and the moment i think i see it it has another disguise you know what i'm saying like the moment I go i think it's alcoholism it's like no it's not alcoholism you just need to do some self-love i think this is my alcoholism i need to go to a meeting worker sponsor no no, you need to go out and make some more money. Oh yeah, that's right. That's what it is. You have to buy a house. Yeah, that I don't know what I was thinking. So I have to constantly be willing to turn my will, right? I want to turn by will. So, I'm constantly turning my will as to what it will have me be. And somehow those terms can be a little scary because they bring up old ideas so i had to also be willing to get rid of those old ideas those terminologies right religious terminologies and the definitions of what those terminologies have for them can i be willingto just have an open mind to consider that just maybe how i understand that term to be maybe it isn't i swear that's how i did it this whole idea of giving my life to god that sounds very religious it sounds like i don't know i'm gonna dress up in a nun's outfit and join a combat that's possible but can i be willing to consider that just maybe that term doesn't really mean that that's how I did it you guys I'm willing to do that and believe it or not now I want to join a convent half the time I'm like you know what if I join a combat I think my life will be better because all I have to do is feed the hungry I live in a cot I ain't gotta pay no bills anyway I'm always saying I'm gonna move to a conve dedicate my life to God and I don't have worry about nothing else just plant vegetables and feed the hungry so but i had i continue to be willing and so i get an opportunity to treat my alcoholism every day because i don't know when it's gonna rear its head and i don' t know how it's going to manifest because i have it it's like the diabetic that needs insulin it doesn't say maybe i'll take insulin tomorrow maybe i'll take it today every day it has to take its insulin so every day i need to do these things to treat it that's how it becomes arrested i put the plug in the jug i get rid of my playmates my playground and my playthings i know that we're not crazy on the same day so i have to tell you what's going on up here so you could poke holes in it it can turn into switch cheese and bust my bubble and realize that my brilliant idea all of a sudden is not brilliant anymore and then i'm willing to be willing to redirect my actions that's all i'm doing if anybody who's new worried about this step three i'm willingly to redirect my actions i'm redirecting them to follow the rest of the steps i'm not joining a monastery even though i sometimes want to all i'm doing is saying okay i am willing to let go of all the things i think i know including the god idea and now i'm gonna do the rest of the steps and that's really how simple i've done them because the answer to each step is in the next step I don't need to trip on that step. I'm not going to find out the answer to that step until I get to the next one. The answer to step one is in two. The answer of two is in three. And the answer of three is in four. Once I make the decision, it's going to tell me I immediately launch into action. I don' t sit around with the decision. I don''t ponder on the decision and talk about the decision now. you guys are going to help me to take that decision into action and i begin to see stuff unfold so i love the simplicity of this program i i love how we live this thing you know i'm listening to you amy and and we use this language today you know we used to use the language in the streets you know what i'm saying like i used to i'm good man i can break stuff down and then now Now I'm in the program and this has become my language. This has become my language, this is a way of life and I've watched remarkable things happen and I'm not even going to begin to talk about daddy, happy father's day yesterday was father's Day, I don't do father's Day well anymore, I'm sorry, I've been very selfish on that day, I have neglected other fathers I don' t even think I posted and said happy father' s Day to anyone some days some years it's just way too painful for me this year was i just wanted it to be over you know i'm saying that that's okay i just wondered it to me over yesterday i couldn't wait for that day to end i didn't want to hear anybody talk about it i don't want anybody celebrating it was an honor and a privilege to be there with my dad and my brother but that broke my heart i'm sorry it broke my heartbeat it's bittersweet and i need them now more than ever and I just missed the hell out of them yesterday and I get to do that and I still redirect my will despite how much pain I'm in despite how happy I am and I get to have an experience and I know that God is today and I'm so grateful for the gift of awareness I'm no longer asleep I'm awake so I think that's my time Amy if you got anything else 10 more minutes you want i think right she can do 10 more minutes hi everyone lana alcoholic great job theresa and amy really good job on the second third step thank you so much but i wanted to ask amy to explain the four horsemen that she mentioned when she was sharing so that the newcomers know what you're talking about thank you very much oh wow thank you so the four horsemen are terror frustration bewilderment and despair and they are mentioned in our our literature and um funny story i used to um go to a clubhouse that had a painting or print of a painting of these four horsemen four men on horse and they represented frustration terror terror or think about that terror bewilderment right what is happening how am i here what's going on and despair and it's the condition of the alcoholic and but it was that clubhouse was shut down and my dad said you always like this painting and he gave me this print of these four horseman i was like i know it was a kind gesture but that's terrifying like i would wake up and see them like the shadows without the light down without the illumination right and it's kind of dark and i would see these terrifying four horsemen to the side but my dad thought it was sweet so i have that upstairs in the attic somewhere i haven't hung it but if you think about that those conditions terror bewilderment frustration despair it plagues the alcoholic and i always used to say um if you've ever been in the grips of alcoholism meaning it has you and you don't have it i remember laying on a couch one night and i almost it was like i could hear their hopes like the gallop i could hear them coming for that kind of terror frustration bewilderment and despair so yes very i love the wordsmith that bill smith was because these words mean things like teresa said look them up man these words carry profound weight and out then they are simplified words to express an idea or a condition that um if you drink like i drink you will understand completely thank you amy tanya t hi there I'm Tonya. I'm an alcoholic. Can you hear me? So, I had a comment, I guess, about... Do you have a question with that too, Tonya? Yes. So when my mother was dying, when I received the phone call that my mother had coded after surgery, I guess I was trained to pray the third step prayer in other people's names. And after that happened, after she passed away, a young lady in recovery, I was in her car and we were talking about my mom. And she told me that my mom dying, that I needed to quit grieving, get over it because it was to help other women behind me. and i just want to know what i've done the inventory i've done i've worked the steps on it the resentment is gone but just what do you say to people who say things like that that your grieving isn't allowed that you're supposed to just get off the pot and go back to work and you know just work with others whose moms are dying or dead hey um grief never dies because love never dies um so my message to the women behind me is that i can grieve and stay sober and the message is in the sobriety right and the message the example i said is not whether i grieve correctly or within a timeline because there's no such thing but that i stay sober and i still find joy in life and i can be two things at once i can be i can miss my dad and love my life i can do that all in the same day i can help other women and and i wish my dad was here to hear teresa tonight because he adored Teresa, I can do that in the same day. And I can stay sober. And that's the message. That's, that's the truth of it. This is the deal is and Alcoholics Anonymous, that we have a design for living that works in fair weather and foul. And this certain trials of tribulations of life certain means are coming. And there are trials and there are tribulations and grief as part of that for any of us whether it's your mom, your fur baby, Your cousin, your nephew, your sponsor. I mean, death is part of life. But my friend Pearl says grief never ends because love never dies, sweetheart. So your message is not that you're in grief but how you walk through that grief. And I know beautiful and amazing women who walk through grief with grace and dignity and transparency. And I insist on being transparent in my grief. And the message is I can do all those things at the same time, and I can remain sober. And I'll add to that, that question, what do they call that? Open-ended, I don't know what they call it. It's a tricky question because I'm not sure why the person is saying that, Tanya. You know, we talk about that often, right? We get off the cross, we need the wood kind of thing. And so it's, there could be a lot more to that question than the person who is saying it. Let's say it's just watching me take advantage of that. There's so many dynamics in my alcoholism, right? Where I could be using that to be in self-pity and depression and I'm not getting out of self enough and go be of service to someone, right. And then I've also experienced grief. And the other thing I learned is other people are only sharing with me what they know what to do about grief. I learned that a lot of people don't really know about it. They can only transmit what they have, and I've had a lot of people say to me, oh, your brother or your dad's in a better place. Well, I didn't know they were in a bad place. I take things literal, so when you say that to me I'm confused. I didn' t know. I was worrying about where they were at. But people are saying things to me that they believe are comforting, that they may see me in pain or suffering and they actually care and they're offering a suggestion so that i'm not wallowing in something and so that's a difficult question to me to answer because it depends on the person the situation and i've come to respect the fact that a lot of people don't understand what i understand grief to be to be today it makes other people very uncomfortable when we talk about it and so i've learned to be in my grief like amy was saying and i and i'm transparent with it and get to say i didn't like yesterday uh and that's okay and i got to be sad and cry or whatever and i just get to be um and my nephews what am i going to tell my nepkins like get get on with life you're gonna be okay they miss their dad this sucks okay period i'm not gonna tell them that but that's just because I'm their aunt and I'm comforting but they have friends that are going to tell them that right they have look they go to school just real quick that's why it's a difficult question my brother's death falls on a time that's during finals okay they can't be told you can stay home and grieve the death of your father and not do your finals and they learned that very quickly when finals came around and the school said I hear you but you need to do your finals you know what I'm saying and they were like damn okay things are different right and not that they were being insensitive but that is part of life so I just wanted to point that out that I can't just that's not a you know I mean that there's not a black or white kind of answer the best thing is to just be true to yourself you know I mean is this helpful information or is it hurtful information and I could put some things on the shelf and save them for later later or I could take it and see if it applies I guess that's the best thing I want to say about that thank you