Step 10 and Daily Inventory – 12 Step Workshop Weekend – Part 4 of 4 – Theresa F.

since i recorded from it like a hot flame it's almost like oh no thank you i'm not running from bars and clubs and freaking out i see alcohol go oh my god i can't drink oh i'm just like no doesn't play a role anymore alcohol is no longer the solution i'm no longer restless irritable and discontent I don't need relief I have it I am it Don't need Relief from what I am comfortable in my own skin My head is not Out to get me I'm chilling Chilling out It's all good And it gets better because it says It's a life long thing I continue to practice this And it gets better and better and better. No big deals. Whatever, man. You know how many joints I smoked trying to get there? You know how long I was using everything possible to come to that real serene whatever, man? That's all I ever wanted to be. Whatever. It's all good. You know. i finally got it and the steps better than any joint pill drink or anything better than anything whatever man it's all good even in the mistakes that i make even in areas that i haven't been able to work on it's okay more work to do that's some unresolved stuff oh my what do you know I thought we've worked on that perhaps not yes but everything can be you know cool all the time if somebody dies really who says you that's not what it tells me here that's all it tells me yeah because i start learning if i'm living life on life terms people die and you know what i get to grieve and nothing wrong with that what's wrong with i'm sad you die i love you i miss you no big deals man i get to be sad nothing wrong with that see what i'm saying that's not even a big deal. Or you die and I don't cry. That's not a big deal either. Obviously, I'm not feeling like crying. You see, all of a sudden, I got a different perspective on life. Somebody is born. Wow, that's a beautiful thing. I get to embrace that experience. I have a job, I lose a job. I got money, I don' t have money. Relationship? No relationship. I start learning. Life's in session. Things happen and it is what it is okay i'm not alone we get to go through this things i'm gonna do gracefully and there's some things i'M GONNA DO PRETTY UGLY AND THAT'S OKAY TOO YES grieve it and then move on no big deals you know what and i'M NOT TRYING TO SOUND LIKE ALL OF A SUDDEN I'M FLOATING ON a cloud don't become buddha sometimes quickly sometimes slowly you know what i'm saying it depends on the area but it's all good as long as i'm in movement i'm an action it's all good is when i'm not in action i'm not in movement where it gets scary but intent it tells me that it says it just comes this is the miracle i'm not fighting it neither am i avoiding temptation we feel as though we have been placed in a position of neutrality safe and protected we have not even sworn off instead the problem has been removed it doesn't exist for us that's how we recovered the problem is removed doesn't exist for me does that mean i'm not an alcoholic no i'm that tripping now and then when the thought comes it goes oh you should have a drink i'll be like where did that come from oh you're still hanging out huh i thought you left but you're still lurking around the corners i'm like oh my god we got a drink I'm not doing that. Did you write your inventory? Did I write it? Yes. You're writing inventory. Yeah, I didn't email it. I didn'y type it. I didn''t put it on a tape. It says rewrite it with a pen and a paper. Please resend my gold. I have to do this. Gold, I've got to send for that. And then I write an inventory. And then my passport will remove my... Your defects? Yes. Is that the direction your sponsor gave you? Yes. Do what your sponsor tell you to do. to write yeah it says to write it down we put this all down on paper go back to it where it says about the inventory it says we all put this down on paper we put this down on paper on a daily basis you're doing a tenth on a daily basis an eleven ten eleven in ten I'm not writing. In 10, I'm having an experience. People get those a little confused. I'm going to sum this up. In ten, I am having an experience. I'm watching. I am in a place of neutrality. Drinking problem is removed. I' m not fighting anything or anybody. I'M just kind of going through this. I AM HAVING AN EXPERIENCE IN TEN. Is what I'M doing in ten. Ten is all about an experience It says as long as I keep in fit spiritual condition I can't let up in this spiritual program of action I can rest on my laurels, I'm headed for trouble if I do. Alcohol is a subtle foe we're not cured of alcoholism what we have is a daily reprieve continued upon our maintenance of our spiritual condition every day is a day when we must carry the vision of God's will into our activities how can I best serve thee thy will be done, not mine these are the thoughts that must go with us constantly we can exercise our willpower along the line as long as we wish it is the proper use of our will much has already been said about receiving strength inspiration and direction from him who has all knowledge and power if we have carefully followed directions we have begun to sense the flow of his spirit into us to some extent we have become god conscious we have begun to develop the vital sixth sense but we must go further and that means more action so i'm actually now experiencing god in 10 you busy tripping on three don't i don't really get to find out this higher power thing until 10 it's an experience 11 we're running out of time i'm gonna go quickly 11 says prayer and meditation prayer is that i actually do a prayer it says i can choose any kind of prayer whatever way in which i want to but the meditation part is that I ask myself some questions before I go to bed at night and when I wake up in the morning that's meditation I need to listen to my thoughts I need TO LISTEN TO MY THOUGHTS Most of you think meditation is to go completely blank. Nothing tells me that here. I don't go blank. I ask myself some questions, I stay still long enough, and I listen to myself. That's what I do at 11. Before I go to bed and when I wake up at night. What could I have done differently? Did I harm anybody today? Did I address something? Is anything unresolved that I didn't really look at that I need to look at? What are the good things? In the 12 in 12, it also talks about my assets and liabilities. Hey, what did you do good today? What did you doing? I don't beat up on myself. It says be careful not to be so morbid. We know how to beat up ourselves. We're just so sadistic like that. We ask God to show me what I can do differently and what I could do better. On awakening, I review my day. I review my plans and go, this is what I was thinking about doing today. What do you think? Are we going to do that today? What are we doing today? Where are we going? Later on it says, as we go through the day, we pause when agitated or doubtful and we ask for the right thought or action. We constantly remind ourselves that we are no longer running the show, humbly saying to ourselves many times each day that it will be done. We are then in less danger of excitement, fear, anger, worry, self-pity, or foolish decisions. We become more and more effective. We do not tire so easily, for we're not burning up energy foolishly as we did when we were trying to arrange life to suit ourselves. So that's my little gauge and point of reference I tell people. If you're walking around angry, excitement, fear, worry, self-pity, and making foolish decisions, something ain't right. 88. The last of that paragraph. We are in much less danger of excitement, Fear, anger, worry. Self-pitty or foolish decisions. I'm much more effective. We don't tire so easily. People ask me, why are you not so tired? Why aren't you tired? Where do you get this energy from? Are you always this happy? Yeah, because that's what it tells me right here. And when I'm not, it's because I am not doing something. And that's okay too. I'm probably holding on to something. I'm pissed off about something. I haven't talked to anybody about it. I haven'T addressed it. I'm tired. I'm tiring. I'm NOT as effective. I got nothing to give you. I'm exhausted. I'm just busy being angry. I used to hear, don't get too hungry, angry, lonely, and tired. But that's my gauge. When I'm angry and worrying, I'm like, hmm, I got some cleaning house to do. I'm putting some more caca in the toilet bowl. It says we alcoholics are undisciplined, so we let God discipline us in a simple way we have just outlined. But this is not all. There is action and more action. faith without works is dead the next chapter devoted to step 12 and unfortunately i didn't get to do 12 but 12 is pretty clear what i love about step 12 in the book is they talk a lot about 12-step calls a lot about 12 step calls and really working with the wet ones and how we deal with them today you have a lot more people coming into the rooms from treatment facilities uh coming in because they're familiar with alcoholics anonymous there's not a lot of 12 step calls we're doing these days, it seems at least for us. But being able to go out and help another drunk wherever you can find them. It talks about in here, go to sanitariums, go to hospitals so you could see them sit by their bedside. Your phone's going to be ringing all night long. You may have a burnt up mattress and all that stuff they start talking about in there. But what happens as a result of these steps? As a result of these steps, I've had a spiritual experience A spiritual awakening as a result Of these steps And I must carry that message I'm so excited How can I not carry the message I trip out on people How can i not carry this message The message What is the message That a miracle has just happened A drunk like me is not drinking today A drunk likes me wakes up in the morning And goes what can i contribute to life she's excited of how i can be of service and how i can help others and what i can do for you that is amazing to me i gotta share with you i gotta give you the same hope that was given to me i gotta shit with you i gotta sweep the floor and put up the chair and show up early and help with the coffee and put out the literature i have to because you did it for me you did it for me when i came in the room there was a chair somebody set up that chair. My sponsor told me that early. If you walking around here, going to meetings, still looking for a chair to be there, something ain't right. Something ain't right. You're arrogant and selfish, she would tell me. How dare you go to a meeting looking for something? You better go to that meeting and give back. After my first year, honeymoon was over. You better come back. You better get up and go to the meeting and stand at the door and greet somebody and say how you're doing a day because somebody did that for you how can i not do that i don't even know how it makes me want to i can't i don'T EVEN KNOW HOW NOT TO DO IT TRIPS ME OUT i DON'T EVENT KNOW HOW NOT TO do that how long was the honeymoon i had a year that was it year was up bye-bye baby girl you ain't a baby no more let's go you show up you start giving back because that's really where I'm going to find my recovery where it really blooms for me is working with others I tell people you think we just remember the pages like I sat around and memorized this you know what happens after talking to 30, 40 people reading the same daggone page over and over again you remember and just recently my sponsor I said they told me I have too many sponsees you think I got too many And she said, you're only sponsoring one. And I said, what do you mean I'm only sponsoring one? I got like 30 sponsees. Don't you think it's too many of them? She said, you're Only Sponsoring One. And I didn't quite get what she was saying. And I learned from my sponsor, more and more is revealed. I don't need to know everything every time she says it. When I need to know it, I'm sure it'll reveal itself. It wasn't until later on she was sharing with another sponsee, and then she said to me, did you get what I told you? I said, no, I sure didn't, but it's all right. I know that I didn't hear you say, yes, get rid of them. I didn' t hear that. And she said, you're only sponsoring one, which is you. Everybody that you talk to, every page that you turn, every hand that you extend to, Every hug that you give, you're giving it to yourself. Because that's what Bill learned. If I don't talk to another drunk, I'm going to get drunk. These are not charity cases. I'm not on a mission and I'm out about to reform you. What I'm here to do is for me to stay sober. That as I carry the message, I get excited. I remember this information is reinforced for me to know, for me understand, for me to get. And if it just so happens that you get it too oh my goodness god is so good but i know i'm staying sober today if nobody's staying sober here today i know I am because this stuff was intense this was beautiful most of the time i'm like did you hear that did you get that oh my god the steps work I hope I didn't insult anybody's intelligence sometimes I feel like I'm preaching to the choir if you've done the steps and you're working through them in your life we never not know anything always know everything it's nice to be reinforced, to hear somebody else's experience to continue to work them, to learn them,to embrace them it sounds to me that most of your questions had a lot to do with a relationship with a higher power had a lot to do with that and if that's what blocks you then the only suggestion I give you is to just take the suggestion that Bill that Abby gave Bill which was just to have an open mind to the possibility and be willing and don't let that block you. I think that's a choice that you have if you want to continue to debate that, to rationalize that, to fight with that. I think that's a choice and it's a choice to let the disease win and I'm not going to do it. Real quick, yes, we've got to end. The second part of step 12 and I find it difficult to tell the difference between what's good business practice and what's really self-seeking and over-ambition and dishonesty. What's good business practice? What business? Where I work. Where I worked. You work in treatment facility? No, we're trying to make money and being over-ambitious and dishonest and self-sufficient. I can't easily see the line. No, you can't But God can. Isn't that hard? No, you can, but God can't. If I say, God, is this where you want me to work? Is this what you want Me to do? Remove from Me those things, selfish, greed, self-centeredness. Take that away from Me. Where would You have Me be and what would You make Me do? And how can I show up and be of maximum service to You and Your children? And then see what happens. And each and every day that I show Up, I go, Okay, God. You're on. This is Your gig. Is this where you want us to go? Is this what you want us to do? That's not so easy, eh? That takes practice. It'll be okay. I met my higher power. I know we got to end but I met my higher power, truly met my higher power in my fifth year of sobriety butt naked alone with a white flag up my ass. I lost everything. I was sleeping in a car. Yep. I lost the house, the weeping willow tree, the car, the things. Gone. Five years sober. I don't even remember it being that bad when I was drinking. And I used to go to meetings and I said if you tell me this too shall pass one more time, I'm going to punch you in the face. This woman came up to me and said, Teresa, sometimes we got to meet God naked and alone. And I held on to that. And they told me, you don't take a drink. And I didn't. And I put one hand in God and I put my hand in Jesus. I put on one hand and this program until this day, I have not been confused since who's running the show in my life has not been the same since then. There's not been the same. I got two things I want to share with you that I love sharing with people. One is this is how I spend my day, which leads to that. This is how i spend my Day. I say I want To buy a blouse. I feel like buying a blous today. I get ready to go with the phone rings and so I pick up the phone and I am present for that phone conversation. I'm not tapping my foot saying I got things to do. I want TO go buy a Blouse. I'm listening to Wendy and I am present for Wendy and I'm of service I hang up the phone, I get ready to go and someone comes to my door they come in and I go sit down and Iam present for that conversation they get ready to go and say hey before I got here where were you going? I said oh I was gonna buy a blouse they said I'll go with you we get ready and leave we start pulling out and four people will walk into my house. She goes, I think they're going to your house. I go, oh, I'll park the car. We parked the car, they come in my house, I sit down and I am of service and I are present for the conversation. At the end of the day, the end of the way, at the end of the day, someone shows up, knocks on my door and says, I was at the store, I saw this blouse and I thought of you that's how I live my day you know the miracle of that story is not the shirt showing up because that used to happen a lot I just wasn't paying attention that I was present for that conversation I was president for that conversation that's the miracle in that story that's how I live my days. I'm not confused who's running the show. I am in Sweden. That's amazing to me. With no money. No, I got minus in my bank account and I got new clothes. I haven't gone without eating. I got clothes to keep me warm. I've arrived with people who love warm. I'm in a country that I don't really know nothing or nobody or where I'm going and I'm being driven everywhere I gotta go. And I'm not worried about any of it. I couldn't have planned this any better. And i didn't figure this out and I didn't demand for the way it needed to be or how it needed to be the way I wanted it to be. I just showed up so taken care of and one more thing I'm gonna end with This man asked me some time ago He said Teresa tell me about your dash I love this one Dash Tell me about you Tell me your dash That's what I said That's not my dash That's why I said what's a dash I said What is that dash What do you mean dash He says on your tombstone There is the date you're born And the date that you die And in between There's a dash The dash signifies Your life If you were to die Right now This moment What would somebody say About your dash See the interesting thing Is I don't know The ending date and it's arrogant for me to believe that I'm going to have it for a long time for I can die at any moment so that means for every moment of my day I am contributing to that dash this program has taught me to stop telling God how big my storm is and start telling the storm how big My God is but I think about if 19 years ago what my dash would have looked like if I would have died people would have said it's about time ooh I can finally get some rest oh what a relief ooh it's such a shame that's what people would have said about my dash today you know what people would say about my dash today if i was to die right now this moment i cannot begin to tell you what people would say about my dash. Huge, huge. She was kind and giving and compassionate and gentle and loving. Oh, what a wonderful aunt. Oh she loved those boys so much. Oh what a great daughter. My mother and my father are so proud of you. Oh, they were so proud. You lived a long life, a great life, a big life. Oh you've done so much. Oh you're going to be so missed. Oh we're going to miss you. Isn't that something? She was sober. She was happy. She was full. She was whole, she was complete She was a lady, she's beautiful My dash And you know when you die Nobody talks about what you have When people die they don't talk about the car You were driving or the house that you lived in Or the job that you had Or the money that you were making They talk about your character I've had a big house and people still said what a shame today I live in an apartment with no money in my bank account and all my dash looks so pretty so you ask yourself that what about your dash and there's one thing I'm not confused about and I hope you aren't A. that I am truly an alcoholic and B. I cannot do this alone that I must tap into this source of power. And that's what helps me to contribute to such a beautiful dash. Because I within myself am nothing. I appreciate you guys so much. I know that I've learned much. I wish I could give you more. I wish we had more time to spend with each other and that I didn't have to just quickly go through the steps as we have. If just one person got something, And I've done what I came out here for. My life is not in vain, yeah? This program works and I want you to know that we don't have to do it perfectly. I don't ever want to give the impression that I do this thing perfectly and y'all could just go out there and be like, hey, Teresa got to go. I don'T ever want TO give that impression. I'M JUST ANOTHER DRUNK. IF I CAN DO IT, YOU CAN DO It. I'VE JUST BEEN DEDICATED. I've been hungry. I don't want what I have, so I've been doing this thing. And Bill and Dr. Bob are no longer here. We are. We are for today. I am responsible. I am accountable. You know what I'm saying? That's why I do it. I'm responsible because somebody did it for me. So now that somebody's done it for you, you now need to give it to somebody else. You don't get to keep it. We don't just get to hold on to it and keep it, and I hear people say, oh, I got a life outside of AA. I don't have no life outside OFAA. I have a life because of AA, Alcoholics Anonymous is not a recreation pastime after effect. This is my life. I do it passionately, enthusiastically. I implore you I don't care what country you're in You're a drunk like me You struggle with understanding A higher power like me So did I, so what So what, who cares Are you tired of the life that you have Then join us This program has worked In 90 countries You ain't no different I am so privileged For Jay to have me to come out and have this experience with you. I hope that one day I can come back and it's warmer. But I thank you. Tomorrow we're going to have some fellowship and fun, I think, somewhere and do something. I don't know. Everybody signed up for something over there? Yeah, the institution. All right. Okay, she's going to do a seven tradition real quick. Oh, there you go, Amber. Thank you. Thank you, thank you, thank you so much. Thank you so very much. And give yourselves a hand for being here. Oh, is this a box thing? Yeah. Oh, thank you. You gave yourselves a hand? You're giving yourselves a hand? Nice. And let's give God a hand, please. Give God a hand. Yay! Thank you. Thank you.