Step 4 Inventory and Step 5 – 12 Step Workshop Weekend – Part 1 of 4 – Theresa F.

Four and five go together, we immediately go into four and you do it. It's not rocket science, it doesn't take forever. The way this book is written, I just write it out. And you know what? More and more will be revealed. It doesn't have to be that deep. I do the best I can with what I have at the time I'm doing it. It's Not Rocket Science. I write the names to the best of my ability. I write that information down to the rest of my abilities. I'm going to be doing a whole lot of inventories. I do not have to so perfectionist and anal about it. Some people spend forever. And if you have more than 50 names, you are more than self-centered than you think. And you are so much in other people's business. I have people with 100, 200 names. It's usually because you're in other people's businesses. I'm mad at my cousin's friend's girlfriend who looked at her friend funny. That don't got nothing to do with you. All up in somebody else's business What's the point of the inventory so that I can be convinced that life run by me doesn't work. That everything I have done just has not worked out. I am taking stock. It's not a big deal. So many people scared of the fourth step. It's Not A Big Deal. Just write it down. He would just do it and don't stay on it for so long. I'm big on that. Man, people stay on that step too long. Forever and ever find every excuse in the book not to finish. i need to get the crap out of the toilet i need a plunger i need a hanger i need something get it out because it says i'm blocked from the sunlight of the spirit those resentments are killing me those fears are killing that conduct is killing me and if i don't clean house i'm gonna drink and when i drink crazy things happen i go back into the darkness and the abyss. I go back into the life that I don't want anymore. And so I'm willing to clean house. And now what do I do? I take that information and I share it with my sponsor or somebody else. It tells me in the book if there's certain things that I'm really uncomfortable with, I can find a priest, I kan find a psychologist someone who is either ordained or certified to keep confidentiality if I'm fearful of what's in there is gonna get out but ultimately i sit down with another drunk and i just tell them my business and you know what i wasn't worried about that i figured if you're gonna go around and talk about what's on my fifth then you're sick and you're probably gonna get drunk or something i'm not worried aboutthat i'm trying to live i want to stay sober so i'm gonna sit down they told me i gotta share with you i'm going to share it with you don't care what you're to do with it? I'm free now. They say you're sick, it's your secrets. I'm not sick no more. I just told my secrets. Wasn't worried about holding on to what? For what? I'm fighting for the right to hold on to sickness? To poison? That's what I'm saying to myself. I gotta hold on to the poison I know it's destroying my life But God forbid I give this up We share it with somebody I don't care who you share it Share it with Somebody It says a closed mouth person Somebody who understands What I'm aiming at And what I'm getting to A person who doesn't distract me From my mission Someone who knows That this is a life and death errand And prepare for a long talk I trip out when Sponsy shows Oh my god two hours let's do my fifth really it says prepare for a long talk we're gonna be here a minute usually in your first inventory you actually don't do your inventory until your fifth most people don't really do a thorough fourth they usually do it with the fifth so i tell people the way this is written if you were to do a thoroughly inventory the way this is written, after I've done my resentments, my fear and my sex, I've done my own self analysis and self examination. And now I go to someone and I say, you know what? I just learned about myself. I'm selfish. It says talk about my faults and my fifth. I go and tell you my wrongs. You know what I've done? I've been selfish and self-centered and self seeking. I've been resentful that people and it turns out that I'm the one that's the cause of it. These are the things that I do. This is how I've caused harm. I've been infested with fear and I've done everything possible to deal with my fears and it hasn't worked. You know what I did with this fear? You know, what I do with that fear? Nothing has worked.You know what I did with home girl?You know,what I did at home chick? Youknow,what i did with a homeboy?That's a fifth.Most of us unable to do that. Generally we go,I don't know what part I play.Usually we don't know what part we play because we didn't even stop and pray for them. I know a lot of people don't stop and pray. And it says I have to stop and pay for all those people after the third column. I stop and pray for each of those people so I can look at it from entirely different angle. I can't do that unless I pray for you. And a lot of times I'm not sure where I'm selfish. I'm too selfish and self-centered to see that I'm selfish and self-centered. And I need the support and the assistance of somebody who begins to break it down to me and it becomes familiar. I sit down and I share this with someone and it gives me freedom. I'm no longer as sick as my secrets. I dance the dance. I learned around here, you don't have to dance with everybody but you need to dance with somebody. Somebody needs to know me. I'm talking to another drunk. They say more than likely this person has done what I've done and they'll share a little bit about themselves with me. Sometimes we get worried about what we have to say and we come to find out that they did it too and we get that nod again. Oh, honey, that's nothing. It removes the shame. I start finding out all those things I thought was such a horrible secret weren't really. They really weren't. They were no big deal. Those are the causes and conditions of my drinking. That's why I'm restless, irritable, and discontent. Because I'm walking around with all this toxic, ugly stuff inside of me. And it is blocking me from the sunlight of the spirit. I can't feel the flow. I can not get in touch with it because of this stuff. No matter how much I pray, no matter how much I want to tap into this source of power, I cannot. That's what we tell people, keep going. Don't stop and think. what's life going to be like what does that mean how am I going to have a relationship with God you got a clean house do you see what I'm saying you're not going to feel it you're going to understand you got to clean house and from that inventory we get 6 and 7 I'm going very quickly because our time is running short but they all kind of go together at this point once this decision is made it's go, go,go,go in the 5th step the next chapter is into action there's no sitting around here how can you be so laxed this is a matter of life and death nothing in my life is more important than this no job no family no relationship no money nothing nothing because i'm going to lose it right after my fit i recognize clearly my character defects i find forgiveness in five it says that most people relapse because they skip that vital step you can ask the oldest old timer and they'll tell you they suffered the most because they skipped that step step 5 they don't dance with nobody they say they thought they lost their egoism but they didn't they thought they were humbled but they weren't bless you I take a look at these character defects and I find out that I'm selfish, self-centered, self seeking. I'm arrogant. I'm self righteous. I'm dishonest, egotistical. I'm disrespectful. Oh, Lord have mercy. Yucky, yucky, Yucky. after seeing myself i'm entirely ready to have this god this higher power remove all those defects of character because they're jacking me up they're not working for me no more and it says some of them we want to hold on to it says all you need to do is be willing in six but you ask yourself is it working for you don't ever say i'll never give that up just say i'm willing all those things are not working for me i'm ready i am ready i'm entirely ready i am so sick of me when i get out of my fifth i am so done with me it's ridiculous I was, I was sick of me I was like oh lord have mercy no wonder you're not a lady and seven I am humbled I am humble because humility says that I recognize my flaws I recognize my shortcomings that's all humility is that's what it is I can see my faults. I'm not perfect as I thought I was. And seven, I am humbly asking him to remove my shortcomings and there's a prayer. There's a seven step prayer. we hanging in there boy we some troopers huh some are willing to go to any lengths my creator I'm now willing that you should have all of me good and bad I pray that you now remove from me every single defect of character withstands and the way of my usefulness to you and to my fellows. Grab me strength as I go out from here and do your bidding. Amen. That's it. Seven. Done. I immediately go into eight and nine. It says faith without works is dead. Faith without works is dead? You can tell me you got faith all day long, but you ain't doing nothing is dead ain't going nowhere. Questions. Anybody? Questions? Yes. I don't pray because I'm agnostic. How do you pray to get my power? How? How would you pray? I don'T pray because I'm an agnóstic. Okay. So how does that work? I just did the prayer that was in the book. But how is it meant to work? Just by doing it. I mean, it seems real silly, but it's true. I didn't need to be all deep about it. All right. You see what I'm saying? I just did what it said. I tell people, I really wish I can get so deep with you, but it's not that deep. That's not how I did this. I didn't do it like completely detached emotionally, but I was just kind of like, okay, my creator, I am willing to take, let's go, come on. I was a little bit more, I was kind of just like, let's do what it says here. I didn'T make up no other prayer. I got on my knees. it's on page 76 i got on my knees because they got you know they my sponsor got on the knees i got off my knees at a sponsee we did the third step prayer in the parking lot i got On My Knees In The Parking Lot In Front Of Some Mexican Taco Place They Were Like Oh Lord Have Mercy I Was Like You Will Only Get On Your Knees For Other Things Honey Get On You Knees please what you worried about come on now you see my point of reference has always been that i've been willing to do a lot to drink maybe you guys are not as you know you haven't been willing to go to any lengths like i have to get loaded so it might be a little bit more difficult for you but i have done some things to get load it so i figured what the heck if you're just asking me to do this to get sober why all of a sudden i'm gonna get picky So I did a prayer You say you're agnostic Agnostic says that they believe That there is something Until it's proven Also do the work Until it proves itself Yeah I just said the words right here My creator I am willing That you should have All of me Good and bad I pray that you now Remove from me every single defect of character which stands in the way of my usefulness to you and to my fellows. Grab me strength as I go from here to do your bidding. Amen. Remembering too, I have an open mind that there is something greater than me. By the time I'm on this step, I'm not walking around saying I'm agnostic. Scary, eh? By the top of my head, by the time of mine here, I am not doing content prior to investigation. I'm not walking around saying that there still isn't anything And I believe that there's nothing I am saying that I am open to the possibility Do you know what I'm saying? If I'm stuck that there isn't Anything, I'm no doing any of this Actually, I am still on one Trying to figure it out See what I am trying to say? Is this compared to the higher power? Yes Yes Yes. Okay, I have a question about resentment. Isn't that the feeling of that you're angry with the person and it's repeatedly, again and again and more or less these people that you have resentment towards has moved inside your head? Yeah. Yeah. So, I've experienced that it's quite a debate whether you should put the people up on your fourth step list that you may have been mad at 10 years ago at a discotheque or 50 years ago. Some of us are putting these kind of people up as well. that isn't resentment do you understand my question? so you're saying a resentment is perhaps not someone from your high school or someone at a discotheque that I might have had some crossing with just some crossing you've been just mad and it just died away you know what's interesting is that what I discovered in the inventory because I didn't analyze it as much I just wrote the names down and the information, I found out that I had been holding on to that when I thought I didn't. So what I didnít do is I didnís get into so much questioning. And I always use Maria Collado. Everybody has heard from me, Maria Collato. I was doing my resentment and I came up with the name Maria Collano. I said, Maria Collado? She was from my first grade. I was like, thatís ridiculous. What in the world would I have to do with Maria Collaro? And then I wrote down that I was resentful that she called me stupid. I thought that was a bit tedious. And I didní even know I was tripping on Maria Collado calling me stupid do you know what I mean come on first grade but as I looked at it I realized that that set a pattern in motion in every other relationship that I had and that her calling me student really affected me in some way and actually had a lot to do with my self-esteem and my self worth and my relationship with Maria Collada and then I prayed for her calling be stupid even though she was young and I was young but nonetheless Obviously I must have had the resentment Because it came out on the paper Other than that it wouldn't have came out And then I looked at what happened with Maria Collado And where was I being selfish Well I didn't want her to call me stupid But you know what I found out I didn' t even realize that what had happened Was I punched her in the face I totally forgot that part And that's why She called me stupid So therefore I had caused her harm And she retaliated against me. Now, do you see how much stuff came out since I didn't analyze and question the name Maria Collado coming out on my paper? Now, had I had taken the approach in which you expressed, I would have eliminated Maria Collato from my list. I called and ended up connecting with Maria Collada all these years later, and I made amends to her. And she said to me, you know what's funny, Teresa? That when you hit me, you used to wear a bracelet with an Indian arrowhead. And I still have that scar. She said, I don't remember what we fought about, but I still had that scar from that day that you did that to me. Describe resentment? That's enough. anything that I have been perturbed or offended by anybody I put that on the list why I'm asking you this question is because when I'm going to be confirmed what's going to happen when I sit down and do my sponsor work or the fourth step with my own team I'm a little afraid that they are going to be stuck on that because they are writing these NOAAs and so forth That is, they have been hiring 200 people and so forth. And that is, you know, they're going to go out into the dream because the list gets so long because it's wrong. They are putting up names that shouldn't be there. Do you understand me? I see what you're saying. So you're concerned that the person is going to spend so much time writing names that shouldn't Be there that eventually they're going to get tired of writing and they're going to Go out and get drunk. You know, the truth of the matter is that if they really are willing and they want to stay sober, all that writing is going to keep them sober. They'll be so busy writing that they won't have time to drink. If they go out and drink, it's because they wanted to. It had nothing to do with writing all those names. Yeah. I know people have done 200 names. It's kept them busy. I don't worry about that. If anybody tells you they went out to drink because they wrote 200 names, they're lying. They wanted to have a drink anyway. Yes? I have a question about this with new relationships and sex. I'm not in any new relationships. I have six-year relationship. We were married since one year ago. But he tells me, if I wasn't in this relationship, relationship i was a single uh i would listen okay no no relationships i don't have time for that but i'm in this relationship and i've changed so much during our six years and I'm not the same person anymore within my sickness. What do I tell my loved husband? Oh, that's so sweet. What do you tell your husband about the person that you're changing into all these years? Is that the question? Yes. Is he in the program? No, he's not. He's one of those who can be a half. Okay. I'm not quite sure how Al-Anon works here, but Al-A-Non can help as well as this book. The chapter to the wives also explains to the husband. Because we're both quite afraid of the Lord or that we, when I'm sober, we are looking at each other. Who are you? Yeah What do you do? I go, I don't know who I am either No really I'm learning who I am. I'm discovering who I am See sometimes the person who marries the alcoholic is only used to taking care of the alcoholic and then when the alcoholic gets sober they don't Know what to do with them Because they're used to cleaning up your mess And so that happens. Honestly, they do have programs like Al-Anon to support them in that. To help them to know that they have a different role now. And that relationships are constantly changing. I've been in a relationship now for 18 years. And I am not the same person that I was at 25. I'm 43. I'll be 44. I'm the same. I'm not the exact same person. and if I'm under the impression that I get into a relationship and you and I are going to be the same for the rest of our lives we're both delusional one day I like vanilla and one day I like chocolate I wake up and I look at this person I'm with and I go ew I don't know why I'm with you I've changed my flavor you bore me now at one time you were exciting But not anymore And neither am I And so hopefully as we say Partners and husband and wife That we work together to understand that I don't know what you tell him Other than to be honest About what you're learning And what you are discovering About the disease of alcoholism And who you are That's the best you can do And let him know how he can support you In that And can he love you anyway that's the best suggestion and i mean it there is a chapter two chapters that help in this book it is the chapter to the wives and the family afterwards and this entire book it says to help everyone to better understand the alcoholic so just because that person doesn't drink that's your husband it'd be very helpful i've given my father this book my stepmother so they can understand me and give them the book and hopefully it'll help they have a better understanding of what's going on because you're gonna change again you're going to change again do you do to death do your part kind of thing i hope so i had to go out and ask people who've been together a long time how they do it because i don't know what that is either i usually ran away from the relationships or ended them or you know i mean i wasn't quite healthy in them and so i had to learn in sobriety what does it look like to be committed in a committed relationship with somebody and how do you get out too because i know how to get in and not get out so i have to kind of learn from other people and any way i can learn that was from asking other couples and people have been together long-term relationships and applied the 12 traditions i've learned from a lot of couples on how to apply the 12 traditions in a relationship. You can find that online, too. They actually have the words of the 12 Traditions in a Relationship and bring that into the home that our common welfare comes first that we're each self-supporting. So I've had to learn a lot in the rooms about relationships. It's helped me tremendously. You had your hand up. Yeah. We're going to take a quick break because we're going to be closing at six so we could do like quick puff puff five go to the bathroom come right back and then i'm gonna run through like because i want to spend a lot of time on 12 so i'm going to run through 8 9 10 11