Step 4 Inventory and Resentments Wilson House Big Book Workshop Retreat – With Valerie D. & John S. – Part 3 of 4

basket baskets in the back of the room we started to get questions if you have a question that comes up throw it in there and I think that's it I'm going to turn it back over to Valerie and John awesome thanks all right so inventory I was not excited about writing inventory. I did it because that's what I was told to do and those were the next directions in the book And also, it was pretty much put to me that if you're serious about getting well, if you are ready to, if you've done living the lie basically and managing your life then, you know, you're willing to take a look at some stuff. So like I told you earlier, I mean inventory was not high on my list of things to do because I was afraid of what I was going to have to share that letting somebody see who I am and also I knew in some way that I was not going to be able to continue to protect lies and I was very comfortable or had lived a life for a very very long time So I like the, the example that they give about a business taking no regular inventory and regular means regular. Usually goes broke it's a commercial inventories of fact-finding in fact facing process now my inventories at times have been very emotional, but the reality is that it's fact-facing and fact-finding about my, the truth about my stock and trade with the world. With you and and the people that are in my life. And how it was explained to me is like Valerie if your internal life is like a a grocery store and you've got some resentments in there. You know, we're looking at the first part of inventory resentments in there that you've had for a very long time. Can't fool yourself about the value of that. It's kind of like if I've got some rotten fruit in my grocery store, I can't continue to fool myself about the volume of that rotten fruit That maybe someday I'll sell it. You know, I'm not letting it go. Somebody may want that. So I can't fool myself about the value of these resentments. Now my resentments in some ways had tremendous value to me. Because they kept me a victim. They kept you wrong and me right. my anger was one of my most cherished defects and defenses because if I scared you bad enough you'd leave me alone if I feared you bad enough you do what I wanted you to do I would use my anger to bully I would used my anger to get my way to scare people because I was afraid So there was, I had to, and resentment and fear was a lot of what just powered that machine. And I had too, you know, stop fooling myself about the value of that anymore. And it says, you now one object is to disclose, one object of the inventory is to disclose damaged or unsalable goods to get rid of them promptly and without regret well I wish I was surprised how you know tentative I was about let go of that nasty stinky fruit I got a lot of power from it this telling me if I want to be successful, I can't fool myself about the value of that stuff anymore. Of those justified resentments. You know, that justifiable anger. I can' t fool myself about that being useful anymore. And the reality is my resentments and fear color everything that I see. It colors how I see you. It colors what I think is going on. what I think you're doing, what I think your motives are. It's seen through a filter of fear and resentment. You know, you may actually change but if I'm not free of it, I still see you in a certain way. I'm not able to see you any other way and I saw that clearly in my relationship with my stepfather. Him and I just would go to war with each other all the time. I didn't like him and he didn't like me. Or that was my perception. I think he loved me terribly. He's also a member, I don't think you would mind me saying that, he's a member of our fellowship. But him and I just butted heads growing up and he was a military naval pilot and you know the type. And we just did not get along and anyway so I had a lot of resentments there and as long as I maintained those resentments this is one example with my stepfather I couldn't see him any other way except as a tyrant and as somebody who had me under his thumb that's all I saw and through the process of inventory and amends and making those amends when that man was ready to get sober I was the one he called and then when he asked me he goes well I want you to sponsor me I was like oh oh I got stuff for you to do you know so but you know thank God God stepped in and said I don't think that's a good idea but anyway um so but being being available and being there for him I mean we'll talk about that as a result of what happens, as a result of making amends and getting rid of inventory, I mean, allowed me to show up in some people's lives that I resented greatly. Resented greatly that I couldn't have been there for them or had that experience if I had not taken stock, if I hadn't honestly looked. I mean, the reality is, you know, in my mind, you're always more wrong than me. That's the truth about it. I may have some small token part but really it's you and you need to change um and i love what it talks about just from resentment alone stem all forms of spiritual disease you know so resentment's the big daddy it's the mother load you know from from depression spiritual disease for me the depression the anxiety, the anger all that stuff so it's telling me that once I straighten out this spiritual malady I'll straighten out mentally and physically and that the spiritual comes first I gotta get right spiritually first for all this other stuff to mellow out listed people, institutions or principles well I had no problem making the people list I had no problem with the institution list. I needed a little help with principle, what that meant. And some people will tell you it's an idea, an old idea, which I have done plenty of principle inventory now. And also my first inventory, it was like the principle of rigorous honesty. I resented that, that that was a requirement to walk on the good path. I was going to have to grasp and develop because I really wanted to reserve the right to lie. This idea, this principle of forgiveness really bothered me because there were things I just wasn't forgiving. I got too much power in being a victim and you being wrong and me being, you know, the poor suffering right one. So things like that I had to put on my inventory and be willing to take a look at. Now, when I made that list, my next direction was to write out why. I was told it had to be eight words or less, which was really disconcerting to someone like me because I've got a story to tell you. I have a yarn to spin, you know? Clearly essay questions. Yes! I need to tell You the whole story and explain it to You. And I was sold I had to get to the core resentment of what I was angry at, or what I felt hurt, threatened, or interfered with. And a lot of my stuff was I felt hurt or threatened in some way. Predominantly threatened was a big one for me. But I felt threatened. I got angry. And I would just come out swinging. and then I had to look at these different parts of self that were hurt, threatened or interfered with my ideas, my perception of the world my self esteem, my ambition my security, my personal relations sex relations, all that stuff the big book doesn't ask you to write an extended third column but a lot of big book people do it I've done it both ways and if I really want to know what my beliefs are they show up and what I'm really afraid of they tend to start showing up in the third column for me I start to get an idea where my thinking is a little faulty, the beginnings of fourth columns start to show up how my real ideas about how the world is and what I think about me or you really start to shows up so it's really beneficial you know and then they have these little brackets of fear next to that you know I start to see my fears in an extended third column that I carry on over to fourth so it's been invaluable to me you know and when I first started writing inventory it was a painstaking process I mean it just you know until you get used to her right in the inventory now I can you know it's done but you know when I was first starting it was felt like it was just pulling teeth. I didn't get it. I didn't understand. It just, it took some practice and you know, you start to get to know yourself a little better. You get, get a little more comfortable swimming in the ocean of truth. You know, not hanging out in the harbor with your resentments, keeping them safe. Um, so, um, I love this piece too where it says, you know, we go back and nothing counts. Nothing. I don't like that. Nothing counts. Yeah, trying has got to count for something. But thoroughness and honesty. You know, and then my friend Linda used to say, she used to call this part in between third column and fourth column the bridge. You know walking from here to here. But what I really like is just the prayer that happens in between there because on my own again on my own you will always be more wrong than me and on my owned I can't always access the truth I really do need God's help I really need God to help me set aside my stuff and read and your stuff and resolutely look for my own mistakes I remember calling Don one time to read inventory and had written a little inventory, and I was got to fourth column I said here's my part. He goes my part? Where in our literature does it say my part? And I'm like I don't know. And he goes well go look call me back. I hate that when they give you little assignments like that because then you're just embarrassed and you know you're about to be taught something where someone like me thinks I should already know that so anyway I go look and you know and I would hear it in meetings all the time my part my part my part so you know to me it was my part. So I go look and of course I already knew the answer when he sent me away to go look but it's not in there you know it says we resolutely you know look at our own mistakes we try to put the other person aside or involved aside entirely I can't entirely put somebody aside without God's help I know I am not capable of that you know and that's what they're talking about there seems no way of entirely getting rid of self without God without God so I can put myself aside without some help and resolutely look for my own mistakes you know where have I been selfish where have I been dishonest you know where am i being self-centered self-seeking what am i afraid of and people can get they get all kinds of anal retentive on inventory and we'll add additional questions i i don't do do what makes you happy um you know sometimes i'll write what my faults are or where i'm to blame it just i really try to let the spirit guide me i used to be so like rigid with the big book i remember calling don one time whenever don would say to me let's talk about that i knew we were gonna write that and i'd be like oh yeah let's talk about it what really what he meant is shut up because I got something I'm going to share with you here but anyway let me I'm digressing so looking setting asking God to help me set aside the other person involved entirely so there's this woman in AA that I really I hated her and if you could have a nemesis in AA she was my nemeses you know it's the one that I wanted to be better than that I competed with that you know I wanted take her to task and I had some deep resentments there with her. And I kept, how I knew is it kept showing up over and over in inventory. She still had a part. That's why, that's why she kept showing up because she still had apart of still waiting for her to take responsibility for her wrongdoings. And um, I couldn't get free as long as she still had a part. I couldn't get free as long as she still needed to change. So through that prayer, I was able to set her aside entirely. It wasn't about her anymore. It was about me and me looking at what I'm doing, where I'm wrong. This is my inventory, not the other man's, notthe other woman's. It's mine. I'm the one who's looking for freedom right now I'm the one who's dying with this stuff so that prayer is just huge for me and it made the difference I was absolutely changed through that and started to experience compassion forgiveness and able to write a more clear and honest fourth column so on my own not necessarily something I'm capable of I really I really got to bring God into that deal fear inventory and John started talking about that I you know for a long time I didn't understand you know I this evil and corroding thread and that's just as true today as it was you know when I was first writing inventory it can be crippling to me today and has been at different points and that that I mean these really strong descriptive language evil and corroding it eats away at my life it steals from my life I love how they they put in there you know we think it ought to be classed with stealing it seems to cause more trouble as it does it it steals from my life it keeps me from taking action keeps me hiding out keeps me afraid to talk to you to tell you who I really am or whatever is going on or it keeps to be protective greedy withholding, all that stuff. And fear is what's driving it. Most of my inventories today are mainly old ideas and fear. It's predominantly what my inventors look like today. And I love that when it says you know we list our fears, we ask ourselves why we had them, and people can get really rigid with this stuff about what it's supposed to look like. I just try to follow the directions the best I Don used to say to me, Valerie, you know, lighten up. It's only a matter of life or death. He would say that to me because I'd be like, you know, I've got to do it perfect. And, you know, he would say don't get so rigid that you miss the experience. You know, it's so technical that you miss the experience. Because I would just get into, you No, I've got to do it just right. What does this word mean? Not that there is a value in that. There is. But I can get so rigid and technical that I miss the experience that it's trying to transmit. And that's how our book gets set up, to transmit an experience that will solve my problem. So anyway, writing a fear inventory. And our directions are really, really simple there. If, you know, I'm asking God to remove it. If there was more that I could do about that, you know the directions on what to do would be there. But all I can do is list them and look at, you know how self-reliance is failing me. You know the things that I'm trying to do to keep that fear from coming true. And the harder I try sometimes my fears actually become a self-fulfilling prophecy. I will create what I fear the most. just in trying to keep it from happening. So, sexy time. I get to start now? No. Oh. I want you to wait. Women always want to wait Men always want to get it over so quickly. There's long distance running and there's sprinting. You're a sprinter? I'm not saying nothing I really want to but I'm not anyway probably why yeah yeah I know I'm kidding anyway okay sorry I gotta come back over here so sex many of us needed an overhauling there that's a fact jack because there's so much power in sex. There's so much power in it. You know, there's lots of juju feel good. There's all the excitement. There's all the unknown. The, you know, you know there's, it's a, it's a powerful image. It's one of our instincts. You know and they talk about the people that, you know see its significance everywhere. That's me. Or there's people you know that would have us what's the other lust of our lower nature I'm kind of down with that that's exciting language to me based necessity appropriation that's that's not me I'm the you know straight pepper girl straight pepper girls yeah that it would be a good idea okay so again my my experience with writing conduct inventory is to look at some people take every single relationship and every sexual encounter and pull that apart and answer all those questions nothing wrong with that how I was taught to do it was that I look at my conduct over the years past because typically my bad behavior doesn't change from one relationship to the next I pretty much carry the same selfish actions and attitudes from one relationships of the next it's I pretty much show up the same way so I mean in some longer-term relationships I may have had more bad selfish behavior you know but all of that gets written down down and the people that are associated with that gets written down. And how I am selfish in relationships, what I do to get what I want and starting to just get the specific behavior of what that look this is what I have done in my relationships over the past that has been selfish dishonest I mean there's a lot of stuff there because and they talk about in the fist up because I am the actor this is what I want you to see this is how I want you to seem and I'm willing to play that role if it means I'm gonna get what I want from me you know I'm good at playing the game so how am i dishonest not only you know how do I lie to you directly but it's also about what are the dishonest things that I do in a relationship the list was long um inconsiderate i thought i was a nice person mostly but i'm not i can be wildly inconsiderant and be in consider your feelings i can It can be inconsiderate of your time. It can be inconsonsiderate of what's important to you, about what you have going on. I mean, it can take a hundred different forms. How do I arouse jealousy, suspicion, or bitterness? You know, taking a look at the actions that I take to do that. And why do I do that? Well, I do this to maintain control. I need to keep you off balance so I'm the one who has the power. I won't tell you what I really want or what I really need or anything like that because I need to maintain the power in the relationship. There's nothing like arousing a little bit of jealousy to see if you really care. You know, or bitterness. Arousing bitterness. I can't tell you how much I did that. When I made amends to my first husband, you know, went through the whole spiel, Steve, you know. This is where I was wrong. This is how I harmed you. Blah, blah, blah. Is there anything else you want to tell me? You know the stuff we do. And he said to me, Valerie, I just want you to know that the four years I was with you were the worst four years of my life. I know, it's not a winning recommendation, you know? But I would say I aroused bitterness in that relationship. I think it is safe to say. I was not a good wife. I could not be relied upon for anything. He never knew what was going to happen next, what I was going do next and with who. Was I going to keep our son safe? He had no idea. You know, when you come home, what are you going to get? You know how people say being around you is like walking on eggshells? There you go. How do I do that? How do i arouse that? How do create that? I'm the one that needs to change. You know and I just, I can't do it unless I can honestly start to take a look at this stuff in it. I need that power and safety and protection of the third step to be able to face this stuff, to start getting honest about this stuff. About this is what I really do. This is how I really live. This is what I'm really capable of doing. This is the stuff that's not so pretty about Valerie Downing." And it's not. So, you know, that idea that I'm a nice person has to get squashed. You know, the lie that I like to present to the world, you know has to be somewhat leveled and it starts to happen in inventory. We'll talk about the fifth step as well. You know, when I'd written my first big inventory that I'd been really honest with and really, you know, wasn't withholding anything and just put the down and dirty down. And a lot of times I wanted to edit my inventory too because I didn't really want you to see how bad I really am and what I'm really thinking and whatI've really been up to. I want to edit it for, you now, the listener. And so this was the first inventory I didn't edit. And I go to read this very touchy, it was very touchly, because you know at this point I thought I was different. That, you know, I was worse than everybody else. And if you really knew these things about me, you wouldn't like me anymore and you would judge me. I mean, I really believed I was a different. And that I was sicker than most. And so anyway, I sit down to read this inventory. I read it. And then my sponsor sent somebody else in there to hear it that I didn't know. And I'm like, are you fucking kidding me? So I had to read it Sorry for the F word. You can edit that out, right? so had to read it to another person that's done somebody else comes in and I got to read it you know and they talk about that in the fifth step you know we read a two-person or persons or you know religious or whatever but for me on that inventory and I typically read my inventory today to more than one person the reason is is because I'm such a liar this is what I want you to see that the truth is something entirely different I mean I am the actor you know so it how it totally smashed my ego which was necessary because I thought I was worse than everybody else. I got to have that true, had that first true experience of companionship and the spirit of understanding that I am you and you are me, that we're in this together. Started to experience that fellowship of the spirit. It was a great experience for me, reading it to more than one person. That lie just started to die and I started to become comfortable in my own skin and not separated from everybody else. And no more pretending, you know, because we're such phonies. I mean, we're just huge phonies So, it was a great experience for me to read that to more than one person and to let somebody else see this is what I really do. This is what i'm really capable of. This is how I live when I'm afraid, when I am driven by fear. These are the things that I do. And somebody else to say, you know, I understand. I've done that too. You know, and with God's help, we all get a little bit better on the path. You know? We get a Little Bit Weller. So I think that's, you know, some of y'all have heard Clancy, but that's one of the biggest things he talks about is those feelings of difference and separation. You know. And that starts to die here for me. because i need to be with you guys i need to be one of y'all and not sicker than everybody else with special problems you know i need to be with y'al walking on this path together so it's amazing stuff in here that these tools that we have been given that just change us so profoundly who knew that writing some stuff down on paper, asking for God's help and sharing it with another human being could produce such change, could turn me into somebody that's no longer capable of being a thief, that's not a thief. That's no more capable of physical violence. that's no longer capable of telling great big lies and stealing from you. Just, I mean, who knew that it could change somebody's character so profoundly and make them into something else? But that's what happens here. Somebody who can reasonably well show up for other people and genuinely care and not be consumed or driven by what's in this for me. What am I going to get from you? You know, off of the barter system, spoken or not. You know I'll do this for you, you do this from me, I'll give you this, I'll take that. You know to show up open handedly and freely and inventory is what clears the way for that to happen. and it's the beginning of getting all this stuff out of the way so God can flow through me, which is the easier, softer way to go. I'm going to turn it over to you. All right, thank you, Valerie. Now let me tell you about the right way to do inventory. break it down baby break it down and we've all thought that at one time or another sometimes I certainly still do and I want to kind of echo something Valerie was talking about there there are a lot of different approaches people working from this same book coming up with a lot different approaches on how to go about taking an inventory and I've been the guy who fought tooth and nail with people and yelled at them in meetings and told them how they were killing people with their messed up message and been the defiant, judgmental guy one more time. And here's what I believe today is if you're doing your level best to follow the big book and you're taking an inventory, it's going to be fine. It's not going to me the last one you take. I've taken many. I'm still going to take more. I know I'm going to really, really, really pissed off and fearful. By the grace of God, I haven't had to do a lot of sex inventories. I've been married for 21 years to a woman in Alcoholics Anonymous that I met at a young people's dance back in 1992. So that's a grace of God thing. I haven'T cheated on her. She hadn'T cheated it on me that I know about. And she'd be laughing if she was sitting here. But I want to tell you this. So when I got miserable enough at three years sober to finally get a sponsor and get into the book, it was a couple of months later I was writing my first inventory. and it was a very effective inventory. I mean, I had an experience. I had a spiritual awakening starting in that inventory and then moving forward through the immense process and everything. And then for years after that, I would talk about that inventory, about how thorough it was and how honest it was and how you had to be thorough and honest and how it was going to make all the difference in the world. And then, for some reason or another, I dug it out of it. I kept it in a shoebox in my closet and I was going through some things and I found it a couple years later and I was looking through it, and it's not thorough. It's not as honest as it could be or as thorough as it could be, or as diligent as it can be. I remember actually the actual, my sponsor said, okay, you laid it all out, you're going to go write this, you're gonna do that, do this, and do that. And then we're gonna meet in two weeks on this date. That's when it's gotta be done. So when did I finish it? The night before. Thank you. You know, I wrote on it a little bit here and there, maybe a net total of an hour, and then like six, seven hours the night before, just frantically getting it done. You know, that's the God's honest truth about how my first inventory. But I'll tell you this. It was the most effective inventory that I ever have written personally because at the beginning of that inventory, I was a guy who did not believe that selfishness and self-centeredness was the root of his problem. And at the end of that fifth step, I did believe it. I don't think at the ending of the inventory I still believed it because I had a lot of blank spots in my fourth column when I went to my sponsor's house, you know, and I'll talk about that. So here's the thing, how do you know when you're done with step three? An old timer told me this years and years ago. Start writing. You're writing your inventory. Such a simple answer. We could talk about that forever, meeting. Next! When we finish the third step, it says next! We launched on a course of vigorous action. It's a high intensity thing it sounds like, doesn't it? A lot of action-y words, you know, a lot of vibration, you know, and a lot movement. So we get started on this process and Val touched it on this. The way I look at my inventory overall is an effort to discover the truth. I'm the last guy who knows the truth about John Shires. You know, I'm really good about seeing the truth about you. One of the dangers in Alcoholics Anonymous is that once we been here a little while. We had a lot of sponsees. I am amazingly good at seeing the character defects in my sponsee. And I get a false belief from Matt that I can see my own too. And I cannot see my own. God's honest truth, I cannot see my flaws. When I look in the mirror, I look 30 pounds lighter, 10 years younger than what I actually am. I'm going to be 49 this year I'm in a big home My home group's got 200 members or so A lot of younger people There's a lot of just beautiful young girls In my home group And I'm kind of like this grandfatherly figure You know, in the home group Or maybe uncle Uncle John kind of thing But in my mind I think If I was suddenly single I would have options on all of these young 20-something girls in my home groups Which nothing could be further from the truth If I was suddenly single, I would suddenly be Creeper. You know? And that's the truth. Intellectually, I'm only telling you that I know that intellectually because I don't know that emotionally. You know, emotionally, I think I'm just still hot property and whatever. Delusion is a wonderful thing. So it's an effort to discover the truth, this whole inventory process. Resentment, fear, and sex. I need some truth in those three areas. I need some truth. And I want to say this, too. This line earlier on in Bill's story, common sense will become uncommon sense. You know, this doesn't make any sense at all. I'm going to my sponsor. Okay, I got every problem under the sun. You know? Financial, moral, legal, you know, relationship. I mean, education problems. I got, you now, people want to kill me. And he's like, yeah, okay, well, we've got to talk about resentment, fear, and sex. That's a big thing. it just sounds like I'm saying two plus four equals orange you know, this makes no sense to me at all, that I'm going to look at my alcoholism is going to be relieved from me through a process that is essentially me taking inventory of my moral failings and resentments and sex conduct it just makes zero sense so I went into this inventory with zero faith in any of this and when the spiritual maladies overcome we straighten out mentally and physically And that is so true. You know, as I was telling you all about my three years sober, I had worked so hard for three years on the externals, you know, and that failed, that belief that alcoholics have that, you know, if I manage well, I'm going to get all the satisfaction and happiness if I just manage this out here well. You know? And at three years over, I had managed that out there pretty well, you now? And I had all of this external stuff that was better than it ever been. I was more miserable than I had ever been, you know? So I've got to get some clarity on some of this stuff. I've Got to Straighten Out Spiritually, the mental and physical that will not cut it. They're not the treatment for alcoholism. So I want to say, too, kind of echoing Val, you can write this any way that you want to write it. Follow the book to the very best of your ability. Follow your sponsor's guidance. If your sponsor says something different than what Valerie and I are up here saying, then go with your sponsor. No, they're wrong. Yes. I still correct them. Just kidding. I think I'm better at writing inventory today than I was when I first started writing inventory. And I think that's true of everything in my AA life, and I think it needs to be. I think i'm a better sponsor than I once was when i first started sponsoring that. I think im a better member of my home group then I was when I was first a member of the home group. I think Im a better husband, a better father. And that's what we all should be striving for, I believe. I should try to get a little better than I used to be There's no end point in my ability to get there. And there's no amount of time or amount of times through the 12 steps that suddenly make me not need to keep taking spiritual action and alcoholics anonymous. I've got to keep growing, I've Got to Keep Doing. One of my favorite lines in the book is that we keep growing in understanding and effectiveness. I think I have a deeper understanding and more effectiveness in my life than I used to have, and I hope to have more. You know, I don't want to let up. So I think the best thing about inventory is to give an example. So I'll give you an example of my first, and I know a lot of guys and women in here probably have this on them. My first name on my list of a resentment was my father. Was yourself. Was my father, not myself. No, I love myself too much. I know people are resentful. I get that sometimes. I never resented myself. I'm way too self-involved to resent myself. But I know that that happens a lot. But it was my Father for me. I resented my old man. My parents got divorced when I was six or seven, and I just blamed my dad for it. You know, why? Okay, I resent my father. Why? Well, he never came to my baseball games, and he judges me for having long hair, and, you know, he's a jerk, and He doesn't care about me. He doesn' t love me. You know he cheated on my mom, and they got divorced, and you know he was never around, and you now blah, blah, whatever. Just the litany of things. Oh, by the way, I think that really the first three columns, 95% of the first three columns is really, I've been carrying this around forever. It's just, the only thing that's new about it is I'm actually putting it on paper for the first time. You know, but it's not that hard to do the first, my experience. The first three columns, not that far. Right? I've just, I got it. It stuff in here. I've written it. I've put it in here, I'm just putting it out here. So it's a fourth column that kicked my butt. And so whatever, I kind of, I'll look down the end of it and affect my sex relations, affect my security and my, you know, my ambitions for the future because If you don't know his dad, how can you be his dad? You know, which is basically saying it's his fault. Self-pity. I love self-pITY. So there were a bunch more names on that first statement. I go to my sponsor's house, and I'm my father in the where am I at fault column. And I want to steal something from another guy who I hear do this all the time about parts. So if this is – there's two parts here. Which one's John's part? you've got to be careful about that because it's just the whole justifiable thing if I'm looking at it that way, it's really easily justifiable but this is 100% whether I think it's small or big it's 100% and I need to take stock of myself and the line that Val was quoting I've got a disregard for the other person entirely Like Bob Dee, who I love. He says, I've got to get up from where I've been sitting all my life at the prosecutor's bench or the defendant, and I've Got to go over to become the prosecutor of myself and say, yeah, when I'm talking about that guy, what did you do wrong? Where am I at fault? And in my experience, over time, my inventory has evolved. There are kind of two ways to be at fault. There's a specific way and a general way. And with my father, so where am I At fault? Well, one of the things is I stole a lot of money from my father. By the way, this was totally blank. It was totally black when I got to my sponsor's house, my fourth column, because I hadn't done that yet. And when I haven't done it, I really can't see where I'm at fault. Because I've got this huge thing with this other person wrong, that they've done wrong to me. So when I go through that and my sponsor helped me with that and I said, I've got nothing in column four for my father. I did have something in column 4 for other people, but nothing for my mother. And my sponsor said to me simply, so you were the perfect son? And that just opened the floodgates. I was like, well, no. It wasn't perfect. It was one or two minor things, maybe. One of them was that I ripped him off all the time. I ripped my father off just, I mean, even before I was drinking heavily, I just had no problem with going to my old man's room and taking a 20 out of his wallet. He's like, yeah, you rich guy, you never ripped it. You have $400 in there. You know, I just felt entitled to that 20. you know, and later entitled to the whole 400 but and I'll tell you something funny so later on, you know when my life was kind of breaking down and like I said, when you come from a well-to-do family and your life breaks down, you get to see a lot of doctors so I got to see one more doctor, you now, and this new doctor wanted me to move in with my dad you know? John needs a male role model in his life at this stage of his development. So I want you to live with my dad. Everyone agreed, I'll go live with my dad, so when I first lived with my Dad, when he came home from work, he kept his wallet in the inside seam of his coat pocket, and he'd hang it in the closet, okay, and I would go, I learned that fairly quickly because I'm a quick study, and I would take some money, yeah, you know, he's got a couple hundred, kind of guy, old school guy, likes to carry three, four hundred dollars cash, likes to have some cash, you know. So I'd go in there and take twenty, forty dollars, you know, later it was, you know, and it wasn't missed, And then later it was like $40, $60, and then it was really $100. And then I think he was embarrassed, and he didn't want to ask me about it. He didn't know this is what we do to people. We make them doubt themselves, and we just create this internal turmoil. And so he moved. He changed his habit. He would come home, and you would put his coat in his bedroom, way back in the bedroom, laid on the bed. He wouldn't leave it in the closet. So I waited for him to go out and walk the dog, and then I'd go rob him. And so when he realized that money was still slipping away, he would move his wallet to his back pocket and just wouldn't keep it on him until he went to bed at night. And then I would crawl into his room in the middle of the night on hand-to-meet just so stealthily like a little alcoholic ninja. Fished the wallet out and take the money and put it back and then just ch-ch-chah! happening and finally my father put a deadbolt on his bedroom door I enter an interior deadbolt there was no lock on the outside right just an interior deadbolt so that he locked himself in his own house he had to lock himself in his bedroom at night people getting robbed by his shitty son so and not only only that, you know the line when he's talking about the guy whose own wrongdoing he discredited the other guy because he took the money and all this? I would tell anybody who would listen to me when I was in summer night school. Some people are stupid enough and such terrible students that they don't have to just go to summer school. They have to go to Summer School and Summer Night School because they missed so many credits from the year before. So I remember being in Summer Night school and telling the teacher and all the students and I'd be hammered in there about my lousy father and how he has so little trust for me, he feels like he has to deadbolt himself into his bedroom at night. And you didn't see any disconnect at all there. Him putting a deadbolt on his door and locking me out at night was a failure on his part as a father. And I put that out there to people like that. And no one ever challenged me on it. I don't know, maybe I didn't look like I was very receptive to being challenged. But anyway, so that's just an example. So where am I at fault? I think there's two ways. This is just my take on it, and this is something that I've not always done. It's sort of evolved. And there's one that's specific, and there's ones that are general. And the specific one is the thing I owe amends for, and the general one is my character defect. So where are my faults? I stole his money. I'm going to have to pay that back. What's the general fault? Dishonest? Untrustworthy? self-centered so this sort of thing sort of began to evolve and by the end of the inventory so that first one was blank okay and that first inventory with my sponsor all that was just I hadn't done anything wrong and I wasn't having done anything wrong so I'm a perennial thief you know and I'm but you know I spread religious rumors and I gossip about my father and I trust worthy I can't be left alone in the house, and there was a litany of stuff like that. But you start running, you start going through this process, and it starts to just gush out, and the first few, when I sit down with Fonty today, usually the first time, it's like, we might spend an hour on the first resentment or two in an inventory, and then it just seems like the next ten just go by really quickly because it's all, oh my God, I'm so bad. Oh God, I'm a pony. Oh, God, let me see if I'm dishonest. I'm trustworthy, and just now, oh God, okay. All right, next. You know, it's just so funny to me how that happened, but that was my experience too. So get through that fear inventory. My first few inventories, I was at a different line of sponsorship than what I'm currently in. Jerry Elkins is my sponsor. Before that, it was Dennis Amplipa who died, and he was a really nifty guy. And before that, one of his sponsors, he was an insane person who I loved dearly, but he was such a crazy person. He was an insane person, and he only lasted my sponsorship about six months before I realized I needed to move up one step in the ladder. But that line of sponsorship, the fear inventory was not really emphasized that strong. It was sort of like, and some of you all may have had this, it's like, okay, yeah, well, you can't have faith and fear, and that's your fear, and you've just got to get with God, and you're going to have faith, and it's going to be great, and you just need to move forward. So God take these fears away, and let's move on. So that's sort of what I did. The truth is, I think I got a little bit of relief from that. But subsequently with Jerry, coming from Don down the ladder with Jerry The fear inventory has taken on a lot more significance and a lot more meaning for me. And for me, I think, again this is sort of an evolutionary thing, but there's like a three column view for me and if anybody else does it any differently that's totally fine. We reviewed our fears thoroughly and we put them on paper. So I have a list of fears. Column one is what's the fear? We asked ourselves why do we have this fear? Column two is, why do I have this fear? Why do I have this peer is a really hard question to answer. I'm terrified of women. Terrified of relationships. Okay, John, why are you terrified of women in relationships? Well, because they always blow up my face. I had 25 relationships in my first three years of sobriety. They all ended with a girl telling me, I don't think it's working out. I never broke up with anybody. I always got dumped. Because I'm not going to break up with somebody who I'm still sleeping with. It's just not going to happen. I just want you to know the kind of guy you're dealing with here. And the way that I look at relationships, I think that's very telling in the way that I looked at a woman. You know, I don't think that they're terribly spiritual approach. OK, John, why are you afraid of a relationship growing up? Because then I'm going to be lonesome. Oh, so really, you're afraid of being alone. Oh, yeah. Yeah, I'm afraid of feeling alone. OK, well, that's a whole other thing. I'm afraid of being alone. Okay, why are you afraid of being alone? Well, because I won't have anybody to go places with. Okay, well, why is it so important for you to have someone to go to places with? Because I think I'll look like a freaking idiot walking up to the place alone when somebody else has got someone on their arm. Oh, so a woman is just like a prop that you look at? Is that what that's saying, that behavior? Wait a second, I don't think I'm that bad, you No, I don't think I'm that bad. I think I am that bad, I think I do, I am not flawed, you know, and so there's a series of these why and because questions that I started asking myself about these fears and I got started getting some insights that were really, you know sometimes you'll hear people say oh my god I did my inventory this weekend and it was such a load off, I feel so awesome you know. That's not my experience My experience is I felt like crap sometimes to an inventory, maybe worse than I have ever felt sometimes to an inventory. And kind of embarrassed because I kind of have the sense sometimes when I'm getting these truths about myself, I think other people have noticed this already. I haven't been keeping this hidden. Yeah, I don't think I've hidden this as well as I thought and probably a lot of people think I'm a big mook and are judging me and laughing about me how sick I am. Like, I laugh and judge other people for their sickness. That's another problem that I have. So there's a lot of uncomfortable feelings coming up through some of this process, you know? And look at Bob D. He says, the truth will set you free, but it'll ruin your day first. And some of my inventory truths did. They ruined some of mine days, you now, and they made me feel terrible. So if you're feeling terrible, I don't think you're doing anything wrong. why I'm bringing this up. They said, man, this is some hard stuff to look at. I am the actor. I do put on a stage care. So I don't know any other way to try to get you to like me but to pull out a line of BS that I think, this is how crazy it is. I act like I think you think I should. So I'm like three steps away from reality right now. I'm making decisions about how I'm going to carry myself and act and talk and everything based on what I think he thinks is needed. It's way crazier. So, carry on the fear inventory. The third column for me is what's my self-reliance? If self-reliance has failed me and I'm supposed to quit playing God, how am I managing all this fear and all this stuff with the relationship? What do I do? I tell you what I do. I put on an act. I do that a lot in a lot of things. I put on an act for the girl. I act like I think she wants me to act. I act the man I suspect that she wants. Here's the problem with acting, one of the several problems with acting is I might be able to bullshit you into my bed and into a relationship with me but now I've got to maintain that. I've gotta maintain whatever it is I created. I created this monster that's like the image that I think that this girl wants. So I've Gotta Be That Guy Now And so now I'm even further from the truth of whoever I am. And I forgot, sometimes you forget too. What did I say? You know, I've got a lot of hand waving. And eventually, you can't do it, right? And eventually the truth becomes clear that, hey, this is, you know, which is why I've been on the receiving end of that phone call. You know? I just don't think this is working out. You know. Yeah, I don't like you either. Go get another one. But I'm also the kind of guy who's always got a second one kind of cooking in the background, you know? And I just would bounce, you know? I mean, in my first three years of sobriety, I had about 25 basically monogamous continuous sexual relationships. And as soon as one girl was dumped, yeah, I'd move on immediately to the next, you now? And pretty soon I was going to have to move to a new city because I dated everybody in the town I was already in. By the way, I want to say the good news about that is that since I did an inventory, right, since I worked at 12 Steps the first time, three years sober, I've had two relationships. The first one was this little girl who was not in an Alcoholics Anonymous because I kind of had this idea maybe I should try to get outside of the funny farm. And we went out for a year and a half, 18 months, which was about 10 times longer than my longest relationship up to that point. And then after that was my wife, Jackie. We'd been together for 23 years. the 25 or so relationships before writing inventory and two after writing inventory. I think that says something about Alcoholics Anonymous. That could be crazy. But anyway, so there's a lot to be discovered here in the resentment section, a lot in the fear section, the sex section. Yeah, I need an overhauling. I don't see clearly the truth about myself. And my first few inventories were kind of along the lines of just like each relationship You know, answering the questions. You know there's different ways to break down the sex inventory. The parts that I like the most are where am I at fault and what should I have done instead? Okay. Those are the ones that just have been meaningful for me. I'm at fault in a lot of areas. And again I'm in fault in specific things that I did. You know. Okay. Well I cheated on this girl. You know? Okay. So what's the general fault? Well dishonest, unfaithful, unreliable. untrustworthy. These things start piling up now. Actually, I want to back up to the Spirit of the Lord for a second. The last little bit. I love this last little bit Somebody counted them one time how many prayers there are in the big book and somebody might be able to answer that question. There's prayers just scattered throughout the book. There might be 117 of them or something like that. But here's the prayer, the fear prayer, what I was taught was we ask him, and any time we say we ask you, right? We're asking God. It's a prayer, right. We ask him to remove our fears and direct our attention to what he would have us do once we commence to have those fears. And the words here are really the choice of words, you know. I mean, the guy who wrote this, the people who wrote our book, the longest sober guy was five years sober, okay? Then you weigh down. I mean, we talk about the first 100. But there were like 30 or 40 guys with two years or more. And the rest were, and those, think about it now. How many of us know people with five years sober that they wouldn't let, you know, take their kids down the street? Wouldn't let them get a cup of coffee for you. So this is to me an inspired deal. Why I say that, this is an inspired. It can't have been done by a bunch of crackpot alcoholics with no sobriety, no publishing experience, and they put this together. We ask him to remove our fears and direct our attention. You know what he's saying to me in a big book study after 10 or 15 years, you know what my attention is normally on? 99% of my attention it's on what you think of me and my wallet and my crotch. 99% percent of my I put it to you. 99% of my attention is pretty much on those three things. Not necessarily in that order. Crotch, wallet, and y'all's opinion of me. It took me a second to realize you said crotch. Yeah, crotch, is that where the word crotchety came from? I think crotchity old timer. Oh, I don't even want to go there. That's just a bad picture. This is what my attention isn't on. It's asking God to direct my attention to what he would have me do. what does God want me to be I think God wants me to do useful I think I want to be kind, considerate helpful forgiving, loving all of these sorts of things I'm focused on all this other stuff that's not that but I need God's help my attention gravitates back to me like that I wake up in the morning depressed and self-centered every single morning I wakeup in the mornig I'm like, oh, God. I've got to do it all over again. I mean, God has not yet turned me into a morning person, okay? Maybe he'll accomplish that miracle. Okay, I don't want to put any limitations. But I wake up depressed and, like, angry. Like, God damn it. You know, I've Got to brush my teeth again. I just brushed them last night. I'm going to have to brush them again tonight. You know? It never ends. I've GOT to brush him again. I'veGot to get up and make breakfast for my kids, you know? I made him breakfast yesterday. I'm going to have to make him breakfast tomorrow. You know, we had a routine in our house. I make the breakfast and lunch while my wife takes the kids in the shower and blow dries their hair, especially my daughter. I cannot do my little girl's long hair. So that's her job, and I'm making breakfast and brunch after. Then I hit my knees, right? And I say, God, John Shire, the voice of Jesus, help me get to the shower. Help me to remember who I am. Help me remember what's going on in my life today, what my primary purpose is. Help me not to be a self-centered schmuck. You know, which is what I wake up as every single day, still to this day. You know? So my attention is always on you. My attention always comes back to me. And I need God's help, I think, to not have my attention on you, you know? And then it says we commence to outgrow fear. It doesn't say it happens overnight. We commence. We begin the process. And fear is not necessarily eliminated, but we outgrow it. See, this is why we straighten out spiritually first. You know how if my spiritual stuff grows, my fear is still here at the same level. I've outgrown it. You know, the ratio is hugely different over time. So anyway, then we do our sex inventory. It's kind of backed up to the fear inventory and the sex inventory, and at the end of it, we come up with an idea. And the idea that I was told to come up With is what are the qualities that a spiritually inspired relationship has in it, John? And I said, I don't know. Faithfulness? Yeah, faithfulness is a good one, John. You know what else? Honesty? Yeah, honesty would be good, John. Honesty in a relationship, that'd be novel for you, wouldn't it? So it's kind of that with the list. Hey, let's have a faithful, honest, you know, kind relationship. Relationship based on some kind of principle, you name it. There were a few more things that ended up being in there. And my son said, if you want a relationship like that, that's what you're going to have to do is water teach this level. If you're those things, you'll end up attracting somebody who's got those qualities. If you're the guy you have, you've got 25 consecutive relationships that are standard. And that's what you're going to have 25 more. So we began this process. And I have to say it was about nine months after I started doing this. I was basically on step 12 and I was still making amends and stuff and continuing to do things when I met my wife. And we've been together like I said 23 years. So she's a gung-ho and a big book AA gal, too. And she's going to have fun. She's crazy. She's awesome. She's the best. As a matter of fact, we'll send her up here next year with a rebuttal. Yeah, it's about time for us to break. I want to say just briefly that I've stepped by is at the end of our book it says we know but a little God's constantly going to reveal more I would say this is an area, step five where he revealed more all my inventory has been done with my sponsors you know I think it's great if you want to go to the priest or your neighbor or the family member that suggested here but I think that we have people who have heard a lot of inventory who are helping, my sponsors have been immensely helpful in helping me see flaws that I didn't see when I was writing it by myself And I was just reading it by myself. My sponsors had said, whoa, whoa whoa whoa, what is that? I'm like, oh what, a perfectly normal thing that I'm doing, you know, nothing. Nothing to see here. Nothing to . So anyway, I'm a guy who's just doing it with someone who's done it. Doing it with a sponsor. And there weren't, when the book was first published, you might be the only guy in your town with a big book. who had heard of Alcoholics Anonymous. Yeah, you needed to go talk to the priest or the doctor or your family member or your close-mouthed friend. But I think today we're so blessed that we have this incredible network of people in our lives who can help us out with writing an employee and then he can listen to our employees and point out some things that we might have missed. So I think that's a good example of how things can evolve and change and God is going to be on board with us and we have different opportunities that the old times we got to get started didn't have. You know, so you can take advantage of that. Anyway, it's time for a break, isn't it? Yes. Do you want to say anything else before we break? I've got a problem. Okay, thank you everybody. So thank you John and Valerie. Just a really quick reminder...