Fear Inventory and Self-Reliance – Workshop – the Lost Tapes – Part 4 of 8 – Mark H.

women who love me as those who reject. Actually, I was probably more comfortable with those who rejected me. I begin to see that the very fabric of my being is interwoven with fear and fear was moving me to make decisions. Fear-based decisions only lead to more fear time and time again. Second column of the inventory of the book says, Mark asked himself why he had these fears. Why do I have the fear? Example, why do I have a fear of rejection? Probably the same reason. It doesn't feel good. I'm a sensitive alcoholic and it affects my self-esteem. See, an old idea that had to be smashed is that everyone's going to accept me. That's a real old idea. It doesn' t have need to operate for me anymore. fear of authority what i found out this time through the inventory that tied back to my father some of you can relate to this boss walks up to you and says something you automatically say something like i'd like to punch his lights out but you don't you say hi how you doing what i realize is when bosses have talked to me i don't see a boss i see my dad talking to me and that produces fear last year is when i really got free of this one and that's a wonderful freedom to experience because now I can understand the role of the boss and where he fits and I'm not dominated by fear anymore and I can tell him exactly how I feel about anything and there's tremendous freedom in that so this is where I had to look at all my fears I stayed drunk a lot of years behind massive amounts of fear so I got two column fear inventory the list of all my peers second column why do I have those fears the other thing for those you've been sober for a while you can do something i did this this time i got done and i probably had 50 60 fears and all i did was they boiled down to eight fears and i'll tell you what they really boiled down too i only have two fears i have a fear that i'm going to lose something or i have fear i'm not going to get something Example, rejection. I have a fear I'm not going to get something. What? Being accepted. Authority, same thing. Got a fear of losing something. What? Maybe my job. Fear of women. What's that about? I'm either going to lose something or I'm not going get something Every fear I had, that huge list of three or four hundred, boiled down to two basic fears. This last inventory, my fears boiled down I have one fear and one fear only and that's real simple if I'm in fear I'm separated from God myself and you that is the only fear I have today the rest of them I realized my mind has created over the years that is truly the only fear that I work with today because the book's going to tell me why you and I have any kind of fear in any area here's what it says self-reliance was good as far as it went but it didn't go far enough and it tells us we have fear because we're into self-reliance think about this a minute go back to your third step decision god's the father you're his child god's a director you're an actor god's principal you're as agent what the hell have we got to be afraid of the creator of the universe will give us everything we need if we stay close to him perform his work well. That means if someone's supposed to be in our life, they'll be in our life. If we're supposed to work at this job, we'll be here. If we're suppose to make this sum of money, we will do it. If my relationship with him stays right and I rely on him, I need not ever experience fear. Fear is the single greatest ingredient that separates me from God, myself, and you time and time and time and time again. It shows up. It goes on to say, some of us once had great self-confidence, but that didn't fully solve the fear problem or any other, and when it made us cocky, it was even worse. Perhaps there's a better way we think so. Now I'm going to get two paragraphs of instructions of what I can do about fear. It says, for now I'm on a different basis. I'm not on the basis of trusting and relying upon God. I'm going to trust infinite God rather than my finite self. I don't have the power, but God does, and I'm his child, and he'll give it to me. I'm in the world to play the role that God assigns. Example, if some of you are sitting in this room right now and you're married, I suspect the role is God wants you in that marriage. Question to ask is, is fear preventing me from playing the role that God's assigned me to play? You know what you're going to find? Your ego is using fear to interfere with the very thing you want, which is a happy, healthy, loving, nurturing marriage. I'm in the world to play the role that God assigns, and fear prevents me from playing that role. Just to the extent that I do as I think God would have me and humbly rely on God, does God enable me to match calamity with serenity? That's a great promise. i never apologize to anyone for depending upon our creator i can laugh at those who think spirituality the way of weakness paradoxically spirituality is the way to strength the verdict of the ages is that faith means courage all men of faith have courage they trust their god i never apologized for god instead i let god demonstrate through me what God can do. Now look at the next sentence. Here's the spiritual tool any time you're in fear. Here's what it is. Any time I'm in fear, I ask God to remove my fear and direct my attention to what he'd have me be in the third step. We know what he wants us to be, don't we? His child actor and agent. Watch what happens when you do that. The next time you are in fear say the prayer God, please remove this fear and remind me of what you would have me be. You're mine to walk in. I'm your child. I trust you. This will turn out all right. I don't care what the outcome is. Or maybe you're at your workplace or somewhere and you've got to do something and you're going to have to do it. You've got some fear. The prayer is, God, remove the fear. Remind me of who you would want me to be. I'm an actor and agent. God will empower you to do that far beyond your capabilities. I only had to do one thing to prepare for this workshop and any other workshop I've ever done. You know what that is? Yesterday, Denise and I spent 25 minutes in meditation, and I got into a state where I asked my loving Father to give me the power to carry the message that he wants me to carry in the period of time that we're all together. That's all I had to doing. Nothing else. Absolutely nothing. That's the tool. Now, now I'm done with two inventories, and you also have another handout we put, which has to do with the least talked about area in AA that leads to more relapses, and now about sex. Many of us need an overhauling here. Oh, let me discuss the middle-of-the-road stuff you hear in AA about sex. Do not get in a relationship for a year. I'm your sponsor. I'm God. I'm telling you that, okay? We're going to find out in this book. Oh, I heard a joke about that. The reason no one knows if that ever worked or not is because no one's ever done that. but that's some of the middle road stuff that we're going to hear in this area called sex we're gonna be given some tools but the book is real clear in the area of relationships the bottom line is it's about doing some work out of this book and what do you think God wants you to do in that relationship I have never and will never give anyone advice about relationships I'm here to do one thing, share my experience only. I want to comment about that a minute. Don taught me a valuable gift. Don had never been to Vietnam. He had never Been in combat. He had Never had to kill people. He had Ever seen people he loved get Killed. When it came time for me to do A fifth step on Vietnam, he sent me to a man in the Program who had been where I was at and got free of that pain, that shame, that guilt, and that remorse. If I had an area of my life that I had no experience in, he would send me to someone in AA who had experience with that. You cannot help me in an area you have no experience in. Recently, I'm doing some work with a man and what, he was a chronic relapser, and what comes up in his inventory was drunk, he hit a family and killed two of the family members. Never shared that, staying drunk. said to me, what do I do? I said, I don't know. I don' t have any experience. Let me make some calls. I found a man in a town 60 miles away. I sent him over there. That man had had the same experience, did the work, was able to go make amends and got free of that. I have no experience to help that man. My ego is really okay in all that areas. I can't help you if I have no experience there. I can only help you in areas I have experience. If I don't, my network is extensive enough, I can send you to someone who's had experience in that area. But I can't help you if I have no experience. There's a sign at a club in Denver, I love it. Take my advice, I won't be using it. Right? AA's full of that stuff. So now about sex. Many of us need an overhauling there. But above all, we try to be sensible on this question because it's so easy to go way off the track. Here we find human opinions running to extremes, absurd extremes perhaps. One set of voices cry sex is a lust of our normal nature, a base necessity of procreation. Then we have the voices who cry for sex and more sex, who bewail the institution of marriage, who think most of the troubles of the race are traceable to sex causes. They think we don't have enough of it or it isn't the right kind. They see its significance everywhere. One school would allow man no flavor for his fare, the other was have us all on a straight pepper diet. We want to stay out of this controversy. Next sentence. Here's my instruction as a sponsor. We do not want to be the arbiter of anyone's sexual conduct. I have no right to judge anybody's sexual conduct nor tell them what to do about a relationship. We all have sex problems. We'd hardly be human if we didn't. What can we do about them? Here's the paragraph that tells me how to write a sex inventory. It says, we reviewed our own conduct over the years past period. In order for me to look at conduct, the book is asking me to make a list of people and it's asking me what to look for in relationships. So I had to say a prayer and I had to make another list. You get tired of making lists in inventory, right? Because you make a lista of people institution principles you make a list of all the fears you got and now i'm going to make a list ofall the relationships i've had so i can look at conduct and we passed out in that sheet a form which takes nine questions and it says i'm gonna look at my conduct so on that form we gave you here's what i do i write what happened when i first met this woman and I look for my motives. I look for my motives in the start of that relationship. I write down some things that happened in the middle and I get honest about where was the relationship at when it ended. And then I ask myself nine questions. In that relationship, which actions of mine were selfish? And the sheet that I handed out gives you the definitions of these questions. So I say a prayer and say, God, in this relationship with this person, which actions of mine were selfish? Well, I didn't really think about this person. I was gone a lot more than I needed to be. I did what I wanted when I wanted to do it. Next question. Mark, in his relationship, what actions of yours were dishonest? Now, I'm dishonest two ways. I can be dishonest by telling you a lie, but one of the greatest ways most of the men and women I've ever worked with are dishonest is we're dishonest by omission. We don't tell the whole truth, as Paul Harvey says. We leave out little segments of it. So my dishonesty is not only by omision, but commission as well. Third question I ask myself about this relationship. actions in this relationship were inconsidered? Well, I was supposed to pick her up at nine. I didn't get there till 9 30 and I never called her. And I forgot to send her flowers and I didn't get her cards. And i go through all the ways in which I am inconsiderate. Or there was that time where she had to go see her mother and I wasn't supportive. AndI look at the ways all my actions in that relationship are inconsiderate next question in my relationship with this person who'd i hurt if you want to see the ripple effect you get honest about relationships example when you are in a relationship with somebody and that relationship ends look at this question about who'd you hurt i'll give you some of my own experiences When that's happened to me, my employers hurt because I'm in a lot of pain and I'm not mentally here at my workplace. Any other family members, including in the most part mothers and fathers, are also hurt when that happens. If there are children, the children are hurt. If your men and women friends in AA are hurt because when you're in that kind of pain, you are not available to them. I have gone around and made amends to men and women in this program when I was in dire pain over a relationship because I wasn't there to help them you want to see the ripple effect you take a look at relationships I love this because I've been guilty of this I've had to do more work in this area than any other area that I've ever had to do work in I don't question why I'm just telling you I have married, divorced four times 13 relationships in 14 years engaged six times i sought women as higher power for years did i want to do that no i know today why but i'm sharing with you my experience i've had to do one hell of a lot of work in this area but i never gave up last year i got free i got free of women they are no longer between me and god what does that mean means that i'm not even dating i'm not in a relationship have no desire means i have a lot of women friends means i got free i don't need a woman in my life said to god if you want that to happen every other time prior to this i had an old idea i need awomaninmylife you remember i talked about truth and there's two sides to the coin you know i saw this time i've never seen before somewhere early on in my years I made a decision that I needed to be married and grow old with a woman you know what and all the time I've been sober not once has occurred to me maybe God's will is to do his work I need to not be in any relationship ever I saw the truth of that does that make me feel good no does that feel uncomfortable yeah why because I love women I love being married hell I've been married four times. But I had to be able to sit right in the middle and say to my loving father, I'm willing to grow old and never be in a relationship. If that's what you want for me, you show me that. And I got free. I absolutely got free every other time when I did inventory. I came this side, which is I want to be married, grow old with a woman. God. I'm going to write this stuff, get rid of some defects. So guess what I did? I kept going out, getting into more relationships, creating more harm. That's what happened to me. But I got free this time. It goes on to say some other areas I look at. Where did my actions in this relationship arouse jealousy? I do this sometimes with the clients who are here those that have significant others here's the question i ask because sometimes at treatment centers just as hard to believe but he and she and goes on so here's a question i asked if your significant other was here on the grounds and could follow you around for a day would your behavior with the opposite sex change oh my god well guess what if your answer that's yes you're doing some actions that are designed to create jealousy suspicion and bitterness if you want to know where you're at in your relationship with God in your relationship with any other ask yourself a question on my own when I'm interacting with the opposites sets other than my significant other would I be comfortable that person was here and present all the time if the answer that's no you're being dishonest trying to create some stuff i've written understand something about this inventory this inventory is just not about people you've had sex with one of the things i discovered about myself i had to write inventory on is i have a very flirtatious side to me that's a defect because what i wind up doing by being flirtatous is giving a message that ain't true. I needed to stop doing that, and I wrote some inventory, and I made some amends to some women I've been flirtatious with. See what I'm saying? How much freedom do you want? That's always the question, how much freedom Do you want. And I got free of that that's not necessary for me to do anymore. goes on to say Mark where'd your actions arouse jealousy where they arouse suspicion where they arouse bitterness where were you at fault mark and the last and most important question mark what should you have done instead you know what I found out my first time through the work with Don when it said what should I have done instead based on my motives and how I think and act I had no business ever being in a relationship with a woman the best i had to bring to the table was i was selfish self-seeking my motives were not kind my two primary motives for many years and relationships were sex and companionship now i'll tell you how you get free of that when you look at the next paragraph it says in this way meaning if i do this work i try to shape a sane and sound ideal for my future sex life In the sheet that I have definitions, I define sane. It means having or showing sound judgment, mentally healthy of sound mind. That's a definition of sane. Definition of sound is free from moral defect, upright, honorable, marked by or showing common sense and good judgment level-headed. Let me give you an example. if boy meets girl girl tells boy she got out of a divorce a month ago if you have a sane and sound ideal in your life you probably will not get involved in a relationship but if you're like me you never had any power to not until I did this work now you look at the definition of ideal it's a conception of something in its absolute perfection an ultimate object of endeavor a goal an honorable worthy principle or aim so i get through with all this work here's what i do don gave me an exercise he said write down the 20 characteristics that you want to bring to every relationship you have see he fooled me i thought the sex inventory is about sex it's not it's about my relationship with every one of God's kids, men, women, child, institutions, everyone. So I make a list of 20 things and I bring it back. I wind up cutting that down to five. My last time through the work, I'll share with you what those five are. If you're in a relationship with Mark Houston on a daily basis, I ask God to give me the power to bring these five things to every relationship. Here's the first. Number one, I bring to you my relationship with my loving Father. Number one. Most important. I bring into you a willingness to live my life by spiritual principles. Number three, I give you a sense of my oneness with the universe. What does that mean? That means that almost everything is sacred to me and I treat everything with respect and dignity and honor. Number four, I bring to you communication. And number five, I brings to you humor. My prayer on a daily basis is that God show me how to bring these five things into every relationship I have with every human being on the planet earth. Men, women, children, employers, everybody. Now on my own power, I don't have the capacity to bring those in. That came about through writing this crazy inventory called the sex inventory and then asking God to move me toward a sane and sound ideal for my future. Now, the book goes on to say we subject each relationship to this test. Is it selfish or not? I ask God to mold my ideals and help me to live up to them. I need to remember always my sex powers were God-given and therefore good. neither to be used lightly or selfishly, nor to be despised and loathed. Whatever my ideal turns out to be, those five things I just mentioned, I must be willing to grow toward that ideal. I must make amends where I have done harm, provided I do not bring about still more harm in so doing. Let me give an example. When I went to make amens to some women in my past that I had affairs with who were married, I did not go make amends to their husbands because I would have created more harm. But it was necessary for me to make an amend to them. Did I wake up one day and want to do that? No. Some of you can relate to this. Some ofyou can relate to being drawn into situations where you had the power or you had no power to not be in it. And then once you got in it, you didn't have the power to get out of it. i had that happen enough times to me and i knew eventually i was going to drink alcohol so i did a lot of work in this area goes on to say in other words i treat sex like what any other problem now i'm going to be given a spiritual tool that i can take into meditation in meditation i ask god what i should do about each specific matter the right answer will come if i want it god alone can judge my sex situation now i do get some instructions in here says counsel with other persons often desirable but i'm going to let god be the final judge i realize some people are as fanatical about sex as others are loose now look at the next sentence we avoid hysterical thinking or advice now let's say that you've written the ideal i have this ideal next paragraph speaks to me mark suppose you fall short of the chosen ideal and stumble does this mean you're going to get drunk some people tell you so but this is only a half truth it depends mark on you and your motives if i am sorry for what i have done and i have an honest desire to let god take me to better things I believe I will be forgiven I will have learned my lesson now look at the warning if I am not sorry and my conduct continues to harm others I am quite sure to drink we are not theorizing these are facts out of our experience I warn people in AA that I've done work with I never tell them see I'm a different kind of sponsor there's sponsors you go to and you present a dilemma well Mark I'm in a relationship over here but I got this thing going on, this married woman in the side. They'll say, oh God, you gotta stop. I don't. I tell people, bop till you drop. Do it till you can't do it anymore. Because if you could have stopped, you'd have stopped. Every time I go to Donald's, something like this. I hope you get a sponsor like this I take the most tragic and sane things to him. He'd go, isn't, let me give you an example. Five years sober, in a relationship and I'm having sex with two married women in the site And I go to Don because I'm crazy, right? And I tell him this. He starts laughing. He said, this is fantastic. I said, what do you mean this is fantasy? I feel guilt, shame, remorse, da-da-da. He said Mark, this is fantastic He said maybe you're through doing that and now you're really willing to get honest and go in and do some work and let God remove that from you Now look at him like he's crazy Once again, here's the problem, right I'm in this thing I don't want to be in and he tells me I've got to go over here to get the solution. And I went over there and got the solution and I've never done that since. See what I mean? See how the process works? This next paragraph gives me a set of instructions to sum up all the information on sex. If some of you are in a relationship, would like to see it get better, you get some very specific tools here. It says, to sum us up about sex, we earnestly pray for the right ideal that's the first thing we do I told you I pray in the morning for God to give me the power to bring those five things into my relationships with everybody for guidance in each questionable situation example well God, the woman's married but real attractive to me that's probably a questionable situation give me a little guidance alright for sanity and for the strength to do the right thing. If sex is very troublesome, we throw ourselves the harder into helping others. This takes me out of myself and it quiets the imperious urge when to yield would mean heartache. There's some incredibly powerful stuff in here that if we're willing to do this work and get honest and take these defects to another person in God he can give us the power to have awesome relationships one single area I've struggled the most and most men and women in AA struggle the most one least talked about area in all of AA some of you have been sober for a while think about this how many times have you gone to a meeting chairman said I'd like to talk about the tools on page 68, 69, 70 it's like we walk into meetings of AA most troublesome area of our life and we don't want to talk about it secrets secrets we can't go in get rid of our false pride i'll tell you when freedom came the day i went to don said don i realized something i don't know the slightest thing about having a relationship with a woman that took that took a destruction of ego to be able to say that what the hell do i do and i'm talking about being friends i had some real old day ideas about women. I viewed women as one way, and it became clear I knew nothing about having a relationship with women until I admitted that nothing was going to change, nothing was going to get different. Since then, I've gone through, done a lot of work, done a lot tools. Guess what? I see women today just like I see men. We are God's children. There's so much freedom in that. There was a total shift in my perception around me and the opposite sex. Now, we've finished our three inventories, resentment, fear, sex. Now we can call a sponsor and say we're ready for a fifth step. Goes on to say, if I've been thorough about my personal inventory, I've written down a lot. I've listed and analyzed my resentments. I have begun to comprehend their futility and their fatality. A resentment is futile because there's no freedom in it, because that person may never change. When are we ever going to reach a place where we can just love people for who they are and understand they're doing the best they can based on spiritual awareness? But we run around all the time saying if he had changed, if she had changed if they would change? Do you know how much freedom there is in being able to love God's kids exactly as they are? To love the man or the woman that's in your life exactly as the are, to not change them. The greatest gift I can give anyone I ever interact with is to love you exactly as you are, support you in whatever it is you're doing. Help you bop till you drop. Why? Because at some point in time you'll have the same experience I had to have. I had it. I had a time where I had to get pretty badly mangled, decided I couldn't live that way anymore, did some work in this book, took it to God and another human being, he took away the defects and I got free. I love all the men and women in my life enough today to let them be exactly who they are. There's moments they're angry with me. There's movements they whine a whole lot. Right? But it's so wonderful when I can love everybody just as you are and I can do that based on knowing everyone's where they're at, based on their relationship with their loving creator. The closer I get to God, the more deep and meaningful my relations are, the more I can go in spiritual progress, the less mistakes I make, the less harm I create because I'm not operating out of my character defects. The more freedom I have, the less fear I have. I told you before, I go through this work once a year for a reason. and once you've tasted the honey, you can't ever go back again. Every single time through this work, my relationship with God reaches a level it's never reached before. And the end result of that is my relationship between myself and you reaches a levels it's not yet reached. It's never been reached before." I'll submit something to you. God is both honoring and blessing me with getting me to travel all over places and carry this message. I could not have done this a year ago. It has taken 11 years and 11 inventories and tons of amends and tons of mistakes and tons of pain and tons of fear to get to the place where I did the work sufficient to get free of that so I could come and share a message. Wow, that's how it works. That's how it works, the process works. So it says, I've commenced to see my resentments terrible destructiveness. Look at the next sentence. I have begun to learn tolerance, patience, and goodwill toward all men, even my enemies, for I look in them as sick people. We talked about that, didn't we? Even my enemies are spiritually sick people I've listed the people I've hurt by my conduct, and I'm willing to straighten out the past if I can. In this book you read again and again that faith did for us what we could not do for ourselves. We hope you are convinced now that God can remove whatever self-will has blocked you off from God. If you've already made a decision, third step, and an inventory of your gross or handicaps, fourth step, you've made a good beginning. I remember going to Don one day. I kept waiting for this book. I kept waitin' for this sentence. Mark, you've done a lot of nifty work. Take a month off and bask in your glory. It never does that. I worked my ass off, and it says you made a good beginning, Mark, and now more action is required. Right? It says that being so, you've swallowed and digested some big chunks of truth about yourself. Remember I told you in the third step prior to that decision we asked God's protection and care with complete abandon? The reason is in my inventories I saw some truth about myself that made me puke. And here's the other thing I saw. on my own power i had no power to not do those things tomorrow that's what i saw in all those three inventories i've seen that 11 times i'm on my 12th inventory and i see it once again i see what my ego does with the power love grace and freedom i've been given in this program after operating at 10 11 for about six months here's another reason i do inventories go through the work once a year. It's because it keeps me clean. The stuff that separates me from God, it keeps my mind clean. It keeps me clear with it because I write inventory. I can't imagine being in AA going five years without doing an inventory. JD's got experience with that. He had to do the work three times over 16 months. I think in those three inventories he wound up with about 150 resentments. Why? He hadn't done the work in eight years. Understand something. Those were 150 resentments times about column 3 times 700. Is it any wonder he's blocked from God, himself, and you? Think about that. Think about this. We're going to stop here, and we will go down and have some lunch. Then we're going back to chapter 6 into action. Chapter 6 into Action has seven steps in one chapter. Let's close. Thanks. My name's Mark, and I'm an alcoholic. Let's turn to page 72, chapter 6, into action. I want to stress this again because it's important. chapter six into action uh took me about five years to understand that into action meant into action and uh there are seven steps in these pages about 17 pages but the big book spent 53 pages on just looking at the first half of the first step i think it's real important that you all understand why it's done that way because i do all the rest of the work in this process as a result of the truth that i see in the first step okay and some of you that that that are perhaps new a little bit to this experience have probably had the realization that you've been around aa and maybe never understood the first steps and your responsibility when you're working with new people is to do what i've done here which is show you precisely go through and take a hard look at that first step use the book turn statements into questions find your own answer deep down within based in your experience to answer the question am i powerless over alcohol and is my life unmanageable is lack of power my dilemma do i need to find god and then approaching the third step and meeting the requirement that my life run on my will won't work. I'm always in conflict with the world. And then we went ahead and we looked at the root of our problem, selfishness, self-centered, and then our dilemma is above everything, if we can't get rid of that, we're dead, and there's nothing we can do to get rid OF that. I'm chained to me and I can't do anything about it, so I've got to find God. How I find God is I quit playing God, and the reason I've Got to Quit Playing God is it doesn't work, i don't have the power to be god i only have the power to mark then we looked at our third step decision which is a decision only god's going to be director principal father and i'm going to act or agent and child then we look at a whole bunch of prayers then we spent some time and we looked at that prayer and we saw three ideas in the prayer the first is that we offer ourselves to god to build this do with us as he wants the second is we ask him to remove us from the bondage itself because we can't and the third is that we tell him basically that if he'll remove our difficulties we're willing to go out and bear witness to those we would help of his power his love his way of life and we saw that there's no amen behind that prayer and now we get it get down to what the book calls the root of our problem we're going to look at the causes and conditions we're going to have us blocked from god we were told in the final analysis deep down within ourselves the only place we find god and the way we do that is to search fearlessly so in our fourth step is where we begin the work to search furiously and what we do is we write three inventories a four column resentment inventory and you saw where in the first three columns what looks to be the truth by the time i write my fourth column has now become alive and we talk about a changed attitude and how to view people and understand that people are spiritually sick just like us and no one ever really intentionally harms us. We harm others based on being spiritually sick. We make mistakes because we're spiritually sick, and we looked at the idea of fear and how much fear dominates our life, and once again, we don't have any power to get rid of the fear, and then anytime I'm in fear, it's because I'm into self-reliance, and we're given some tools to help us get out of fear, which is to ask God to remove it, and he will remind us of what we would be as child actor and agent. And then we looked at a thing called a sex inventory. And it looks going into it like it's going to be an inventory about me and the opposite sex, but it turns out to be a whole lot more about that. And I take a look at my action and my conduct, and I have to make another list again of people, and I answer nine questions. And I do that to come out with an ideal, a sane and sound ideal for my future sex life, it says. But the book tricks us a little because it winds up being more than that. It winds up Being a Sane and Sound Ideal for what i'm willing to bring to the table in every relationship with every human being that i've ever had so then we get done looking at that and now we're into chapter six into action having made our personal inventory what should we do about it it says we've been trying to get a new attitude that's step two a new relationship with our creator step three and to discover the obstacles in our path step four in inventory we're going to discover the obstacles that have us blocked from having a relationship with god we've admitted certain defects we've ascertained in a rough way what the trouble is we have put our finger on the weak items in our personal inventory now these are about to be cast out this will require action on our part which when completed will mean we've committed to god to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our defects this brings us to the fifth step in the program recovery mentioned the preceding chapter. This is perhaps difficult, especially discussing my defects with another person. I think I've done well enough in admitting these things to myself. Well, there's doubt about that. In actual practice, we usually find a solitary self-appraisal insufficient. Many of us thought it necessary to go much further. I will be more reconciled to discussing myself with another person when I see good reasons why I should do so. The best reason first, if I skip this final step rich i may not overcome drinking time after time newcomers have tried to keep to themselves certain facts about their lives trying to avoid this humbling experience they turn to easier methods it's going to start talking to us about our take it to the grave the stuff we're ashamed of guilt shame and remorse and it's important to pay attention here it says almost invariably they got drunk having persevered the rest of the program they wondered why they fell what they're talking about is people who went through and did all this work but there were segments in their inventory that they left off and they wouldn't tell anyone and the warning is that having persevering the rest of program they still wound up getting drunk says we think the reason is they never completed their house cleaning they took inventory all right but they hung on to some of the worst items in stock they only thought they had lost their egoism and fear see the only there's two reasons i won't tell you my stuff my ego and fear all right they only though they had humbled themselves but they had not learned enough humility fearlessness and honesty in the sense we find it necessary until they told someone else all of their life story let me smash another myth, and Alcoholics Anonymous. I've actually had people I've done the work with, I'll say to them, what kind of inventory did you do? Well, my sponsor had me write a life story. The way we write a live story is we write a resentment inventory, fear inventory, sex inventory, share that with someone, and our life story comes out. You do life stories with therapists. That isn't what the book asked us to do. But we wind up telling our life history using the three vehicles that the big book calls inventories. Now, I think this next paragraph sums us up not only when we're out there drinking and using, but in Alcoholics Anonymous, dying from the spirituality. Think about this. More than most people, I lead a double life. I'm very much the actor. To the outer world, I present my stage character. This is the one I like my fellows to see. I want to enjoy a certain reputation, but I know in my heart I don't deserve it. The men and the women that I've done the work with in Alcoholics Anonymous, I allow them to see me and every single one of my defects. I don' t want to go around presenting to them that I' ve done this work and all of a sudden I don''t make mistakes anymore, that I don ''t lie anymore, that I dont harm people anymore. My sponsor let me see his humanness and I let everyone I work with see my humanneness. you understand i don't present the stage character to the world anymore you spend some time with me in any environment i'm in you get me you don't get a stage character and you don'T GET ME AT MEETINGS OF AA I'M SORRY YOU DON'T GET THE STAGE CHARACTER AT MEETING OF AA YOU GET ME I'M NOT GOING TO WALK INTO AA ALL THE TIME AND TELL YOU MY LIFE IS PERFECT I'LL WALKIN TO AA AND TEL YOU THAT I'VE SUFFERED GREATLY IN PERSONAL RELATIONSHIPS AND STRUGGLED IN CAREER AND HAD financial problems and physical health problems. I think that's important. I think new people, people coming into AA, they need to understand something. I'm always going to be a human, folks. I've stuck with that. And I'm always going to be trying to grow spiritually and make progress. But I need to show you both sides of the coin. I remember one time going to Don because you hear in AA, make a list of your assets. And he never asked me to do that, and I was kind of hurt so i went to him i said don i hear people in aa the sponsors tell them make a list your assets and liabilities he said mark you're not going to get drunk because of your assets you're going to gets drunk because your liabilities that makes sense so i think this is important think about this if you've been an a for a period of time how often in means of alcoholics Anonymous, do I present a stage character? Hmm. I wonder what that's about. Fear and ego, that's what that is about. It talks about the inconsistencies made worse by the things I do in my sprees. We can have sprees of untreated alcoholism with no booze in us too. Coming to my senses, I'm revolted at certain episodes I vaguely remember. See, the first inventory I it was easy i could justify all that behavior i looked at based on alcohol the ones you write in recovery get a whole lot harder i'm going to me he's carrying this message talking about god and i'm screwing this person over they get a lot harder to look at you see these memories are a nightmare i tremble to think someone might have observed me as fast as i can i push these memories far inside myself. I hope they'll never see the light of day. I'm under constant fear and tension. My secrets keep me under constant Fear and Tension that makes for more drinking. Psychologists are inclined to agree with us. We've spent thousands of dollars for examinations. We know but few instances where we given these doctors a fair break. We sell them told him the whole truth there. Have we followed their advice? Unwilling to be honest with these sympathetic men we were honest with no one else small wonder many in the medical profession have a low opinion of alcoholics and their chance for recovery now make a note in chapter five how it works we were given an instruction that said this manner of living demands rigorous honesty this paragraph's trying to talk to us about if we're not honest people in the medical profession realize that an alcoholic has to get honest if he ever expects to recover but they've had enough experience with us to know that we're pathological liars so their opinion is most alcoholics or addicts are not going to recover now look at the next sentence and this can be a great promise i must be entirely honest with somebody if i expect to live long or happily in this world maybe a promise in there is if i'm willing to be entirely earnest with somebody i can either expect to live long, or at least for the length of time I'm here, be happy. Now I'm going to get instructions on who to do this fifth step with. Rightly and naturally, I think, well, before I choose the person or persons, plural. Some of you have been around for a while. You want a great experience, do what I'm doing this time. Do an inventory, do a fifth step, with two or three different people. See, when I go back through the work every time, I go through the back of the work with different people because I'm looking for spiritual growth. I've had basically one sponsor, but I've done a lot of work with a lot of different people. But if you've been around for a while, if you're like me, I have a harder time seeing truth. So maybe consider next time through the work doing fifth steps with a couple different people, person or persons. It says those of us belonging to a religious denomination which requires confession must and of course will want to go to the properly appointed authority whose duty is to receive it. Though we have no religious connection, we may still do well to talk with someone ordained by an established religion. We often find such a person quick to see and understand our problem. It says, of course, we sometimes encounter people who do not understand alcoholics. Now if we cannot or would rather not do this, meaning go into a man of the cloth, we search our acquaintance for a closed mouth and understanding friend. so now i'm getting some criteria for who to do this with person needs to be closed mouth they need to be understanding they need to understand this is an intimate and confidential step goes on to say it says perhaps our doctor or psychologist will be the person it may be one of my own family but i cannot disclose anything to my wife or parents which will hurt them and make them unhappy i have no right to save my own skin at another person's expense such parts of my story i tell to someone who will understand yet be unaffected that's an important criterion who you do your fifth step with understand but who will be unaffected look for people who've had some of your experience when you do your fifth example i basically drinking was a in the i'd like that's all that's That's the only way I can describe myself. I'd like to find another word, but those are the two best words. For me to do a fifth step with someone in that area who's been married to the same woman for 30 years? I don't think so. I need to do it. I need a fifth-step with someone who's had my experience and isn't doing that anymore because of their relationship with God. I tell my stuff to one man who's Been Married to One Woman for 30 Years and his eyeballs would get just like this. Why? because he would be affected by what i'm telling him that's why men that have spent time in the penitentiary do not go find a white middle-class angle saxon who's never spent time on the penitenciary do your fifth step with because when you talk about some of that stuff he has no frame of reference that's why his eyes will go like this too you see what the book's trying to say who i do this with is real real important because in my fifth step we're going to hear a little bit further on this fifth step is life and death what's life and death is i must see truth i i don't care who i do a fifth step anymore but there's certain criteria they need to have they needと be men and women in this program who've done this work because their whole role is to help me see truth to move me out of blame to move move me onto the victim it's only through seeing truth that i can get free so that's what i'm looking for when i do a fifth step i'm not looking for somebody to pat me in the back and say oh you're forgiven mark i want somebody to help me see the truth see me help me see the fourth column same thing with my sex inventory same thing with my fears so it goes on to say the rule is i must be hard on myself but always considerate of others notwithstanding the great necessity for discussing myself with someone it may be one that's so situated there's no suitable person available. If that's so, this step may be postponed only, however, if I hold myself in complete readiness to go through with it at the first opportunity. I say this because we're very anxious that Mark talk to the right person. Now I'm going to get some more instructions for who I do this with. It is important that he be able to keep a confidence, that he fully understand and approve what Mark's driving at, that he will not try to change Mark's plan. But Mark must not use this as a mere excuse to postpone. When Mark decides who's to hear his story, Mark wastes no time. I have a written inventory and I am prepared for a long talk. Now I'm going to get some instructions. Whenever I do a fifth step with someone, we read from the big book where it starts talking to me after I'm done with inventories right up to here why because i'm showing them what i did and when they sponsor people they will show them what they did and at this point in time here's what the book says i explain to my partner what i'm about to do and why i have to do it next wednesday when i'm doing a fifth step in california i will explain to joe what i am about to go through and i'm going to to do here's what i'm about to do i'm about to share three inventories with him a resentment inventory a fear inventory and a sex inventory because i'm blocked from god and if i'm blocked from God i'm going to be dead and it says why do i have to do it that's why i haveto do it i have to do a fifth step so that God can remove for me the things that have me blocked from him myself in you so that's what i'm about to do and that's why i have to do it look at the next sentence if you don't think who you do a fifth step with and you don'T THINK WHO YOUR SPONSOR IS IS IMPORTANT LOOK AT THE NEXT SENTENCE I SHOULD REALIZE THAT I AM ENGAGED UPON A LIFE AND DEATH ERRAND YOU HAVE A RIGHT WHEN YOU ARE ASKING SOMEONE TO SPONCER YOU TO ASK THEM A LOT OF QUESTIONS you are talking about your life if someone has been sober for a long time doing that in the middle of the road god bless them but that don't work for me i'll die in middle ofthe road solution so i ask people a series of questions before i do a fifth step i did not assume this woman who'd been sober 19 years in Louisiana. I did not assume because she was 19 years sober that it was okay to do a fifth step. I asked her a whole bunch of questions. Things like, do you have a sponsor? Yeah. When's the last time you went through the work? See, she's going through the worked with me in a group this time. Eight women and myself. That's an interesting dynamics. Tell me God doesn't work. I asked here if she had made all her amends that she was consciously aware of. what else do i ask her i ask if she sponsored people i asked her if she had a home group those are the kind of questions i asked and if she gave me answers different than what she gave me i would not do a fifth step with her because god could not use her to help me see the kind of truth that i need to see so this is a real important part who you do the work with is critically important this is my personal opinion every single problem in the fellowship today can be solved by great sponsorship there's in that circle and triangle when the three legacies were passed down to alcoholics anonymous from everything i can tell order in which they were passed out was number one was individual recovery number two was the unity and number three was service you know why if i'm not in individual recovery all i'm taking to my home group is all my defects of character. I'm not taking recovery. Now I've got sick groups. Sick groups can't be of service. So the most important key piece is my own individual recovery. And since I can't go through this work on my own, and I want to go through with someone, I'd like to make sure it's someone who's done this work, and not middle-of-the-road solution. It goes on to say most people approaching this way will be glad to help they'll be honored by our confidence so i pocket my pride and go to it illuminating every twist of character and every dark cranny of the past now i'll just share with you how i do a fifth step i will have the person reading the fifth step to me give me the first column the second column in the third column i always have a notepad i ask god to help me show them see truth when we're done looking at the first three columns which they perceive to be truth i take the first resentment inventory and i go back and i review that page a half of instructions before you move into the fourth and i do that one time and one time only my sole function in that fifth step around resentments is to help them see where they're at in the fourth column where are they at fault and to get free of all those resentments. That's my role. That is my sole purpose. When I'm done with that, we read the instructions on the fear inventory and then I have them read the fear inventorium, all the fears and why they have the fears. And then we get to the sex inventory and we read the instructions out of the book and then i have them tell me their sex inventory. And now that we're looking for some saint and sound ideals to come. Now I told you something when someone wants to give you inventories other than what's in the big book to ask them the question? If I use your inventory, will I get seven promises that have been experienced by millions of people? Here's the promises. We never talk about these in the fellowship. They are some of the most powerful in the entire book. It says, once I've taken this step, withholding nothing, highlight withholding nothing, that's take it to the grave stuff, I am delighted First promise I can look the world in the eye Second promise I can be alone at perfect peace and ease Third promise