Financial Amends and Action Steps – H. and Joe H. – Prescott Big Book Study – Part 5 of 8 – Mark H. and Joe H. – Mark Houston and Joe Hawk

I don't know what kind of example you could be to people. But you've got to pay the money back. Now, Joe said something. We do a thing called Steal and Steal, and one of the questions in that is this issue of if I owe money on my financial amends and I'm going to go buy something new that I don' t necessarily need, can i stay sober stealing from them again see if you owe financial amends and you have money coming in it's not your money it's their money you're just a steward it's going to pass through your hands into their hands i'll tell you my experience with this money issue the more i became willing to do that and the more I did that the more money came into my life the more II begin to earn in my career everything is connected and I really see the connection between everything in my life and these amends. I watch my business career continue to escalate and grow as I cleaned up all these amens. I watch myself and my family I watch me financial future get better as I begin to pay back amends I watch relationships with people begin to get better as I make amends Everything is connected I saw that over and over and over again and i'm the kind of guy it's you know i don't like sending in ten dollars a month for nine thousand years but uh it's important that you set that up and do that and then you'll be amazed money starts to come in it's real a.a will do these steps to do weird things to me to you i'm still this way today i love paying bills i think it's amazing that the electricity company is willing to float me energy for 30 days. That's a neat deal that they trust me enough, they're willing to float me electricity. Now in exchange for that, I tell them on a due date they're going to have their money and I'm here to tell you they get it a little early. And I'm grateful. I love being responsible today in that area of my life. That isn't how it always was. So if I owe money, money is going to get paid back. Financial amends, you know, am I making them? I could tell incredible stories in this particular area. I think that's all I got for now. I'll let Joe share some experience on amends and then we'll talk about some more. I was thinking about the new people in the room and I remember feeling out of place in AA when I didn't believe and somebody told me once and I thought it was shocking that I could come to believe in God the same way I came to believe in alcohol because if you look at your experience with alcohol and you're anything like me it was a higher power it was something I had faith in gave me power made me feel human set me upright it did for me what I couldn't do for myself but then this guy said to me did you ever get drunk sitting across the street from a liquor store reading a book about what it would be like to get drunk? I said, no. He said, that's the lunacy of big book studies. You got people sitting around studying the manual of what it would be liked, but they never do what's necessary because what did you have to do when you're sitting across from a liquid store to come to believe again? Well, you had to make a decision. You had to take some action. You had to walk across the street. You had the same thing that happens here. You make a decision at step three based on your first and second step. You get off your ass and you take some action in four through nine. You get some results, then you have faith. And this is the step where I started to get some result. You know, the first three steps are really just a series of considerations. They could be done in a day, a couple hours, a week, a month, as long as you want to take, as deep as you want to look but they're really just a series of considerations and admissions and questions and then you get to step four and it's still kind of a solitary thing right? You might not like some of the stuff you're seeing then you read it to somebody you either trust or you don't but now we're turning out to the world. It's really one of the first acts in the 12 steps that's not so self-centered. Matter of fact It's the action we take as a result of our self-centeredness. And I found that statement to be true. I came to believe in God the same way I came to believe an alcohol, decision, action, result. I want to read the eighth step in the short form from how it works and mention something that it doesn't say. made a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all it doesn't say he made a least of all person's we had harm except the ones we don't want to go to it doesn' t say he make a list all persons that we have harmed except the one our sponsor says we don' t need to make it says to make a least all persons harm could be an institution There could be principles. How am I going to make those? You're going to ask God. I think the number one guiding principle in all the instructions in the ninth step is we place the outcome in God's hands. Made a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all. Are you? Has the ego rebuilt to the point where halfway through step nine you've gotten some results? you think it was just about the unmanageability things in your life are better and you get stuck on the dash because making the rest of those amends don't have anything to do with being powerless over alcohol anymore that's what our friend meant by the fact that going forward through the steps or backwards through the step you can get stuck on the dashboard I remember going to this is how these guys do this I went to a guy named Mike in Denver one time and I had four amends I'd been doing the work for many years and I said Mike I'm stuck on these four amends he said really do you know how to make amends yep do you Know Who They're To yep Do You Know Where They Are yep he said you're not stuck on amends he said you probably didn't really become willing to make Amends to them all because you're not really sure what you asked in the seventh step because you weren't really convinced in six because maybe you didn't learn enough of humility and honesty in five because maybe some stuff was missing from your inventory and you're going back on the decision you've made at step three because you don't believe God is everything and you are probably not powerless over alcohol anymore. He took me backwards and I saw the linchpin to amends as one and not the second half of one because there is no separation between the first half and the second part of the second half of step one. The unmanageability of my life is alcohol, and I had lost the consciousness in my first step, but I was able to go around and give lectures on step one. Go see these poor people in south central L.A. at the Castle Program and do my chalk talk on the circle and the triangle and the three parts of step 1. I could rattle off step 1 all day long, and the consciousness of it that moves me along was gone. I couldn't move myself any further. I would like to say to you my first time through the work, from six months to a year and a half, that I finished all the amends I was aware of, but I woke up about three-fourths of the way through amends, and I was a different person. My own mother heard me speak in my first set of amends. She said, you're not even the same person. I was hired by the National Council on Alcoholism to train kids to work with kids where a year-and-a-half earlier, you would not have let me around your kids. A major awakening as a result of one through nine and three quarters, and I stopped. And I used to say to myself, well, I'm just doing what the book says. It says it's easy to rest on your laurels at this point, but I forgot it says you're headed for trouble. Laurels are past accomplishments. 350 amends. I've made 300. Isn't that enough? Aren't I free enough? Wow, look at the change. Major awakening. I'm not saying I hadn't had an awakening. I was just saying I had no right to say to people that I had had a spiritual awakening as a result of the steps. I hadnít. I'd had a spirit awakening and a spiritual awaking as a resultado of one through eight and three quarters. I didn't become willing to make amends to them all. I was stuck on eight because of step one. It wasn't there anymore. First thing I was ever told about amends, it says, except when to do so would injure them or others and you're not others. Others are others, you are you. Doesn't mean if it's going to hurt you, you don't go make it. It says you take the bit in your teeth, swallow your pride, go to it, all right? Nothing missed. Would you be willing to go to jail if necessary? Went back, made amends for armed robbery. Went to the Battle Creek Police Department. It said counsel with a lawyer might be beneficial. They said I was lucky the statute of limitations had run out, but they were happy I didn't live in Battle Creek, Michigan anymore and what they would like me to do is to stay sober and never commit another armed robbery. That I can do. Never committed another armed robbery since. I made a resolution when I was 21 years old. I was released from the Michigan State Penitentiary and I made up my mind I will never be arrested, I will never be in a police car. I will not go to jail or the penitentiary ever again, and I never did, ever again. I could not quit drinking. The mechanics? The mechanics as they were shared to me was this. Let us say you are an ex-employee. You have not seen me in ten years. I have called your office. I have made an appointment with your secretary. I arrive, you have no idea why I'm there and you're wondering if I actually have the nerve to ask for a job again. And I explain to you, thank you for giving me an appointment. This is why I am here. That can be very beneficial with an ex-lover. Let them know why you are there because you might scare them to death if they think that you are here for any other reason. They might call the police. They might blow your head off. I explain why I'm here and that this is very important and it's about my life and death. I'm on a life and death errand. This is the harm I'm clear of. I did this, I stole this, I stole this, I lied about this. Is there anything else I ever did that hurt you or your company? Give you a chance to get it all out on the table. Amazing healing can go on during that when you give them a chance. because it's not about my clarity of what I think I did to you. Whether I know it or not, I'm very insensitive. And by this point, after four, five, six, seven, eight, I see that I'm a very ins sensitive person. I bet we all had some amends we thought were big deals. You went to them, they didn't even remember you. I bet We all had something we thought were no big deal at all and they said, you really hurt me. I don't have a clue. The healing goes when they get a chance to say, well, you also did this and this and this, and this really hurt too. When I think they're done, I say, is there anything I could do to make this? Oh, do you need to tell me how any of that hurt you? And amazing healing can go on there too, because they might have said what I did, but they might need to tells me how it hurt them. And then when they're down, I'd say, Is there anything that I could do to make this right. They lay it out. I think one of the things we missed in some of our instructions early on was that I think you should then take a card, a blank card, and write out whatever they ask you to do to make it right and put it in another pile and start to follow through on those amends because there is a difference between having made your approaches and following through on what they asked. Like Mark said, Mark was done with every approach he owed way before 14 years of that debt being done. He made his approach, he did his part and it was going to be ongoing. When we say finish amends all the amends you're consciously aware of we don't mean that they've all been that you have followed through on everything you could ever do. Some will go on the rest of your life. My amends to my mother is still going on and she passed away last year. There might be some debts that take that long but you've made your approach you've done your part and it's an ongoing amends I also think this is when the magic starts to happen and like the universe lines up for you I was told to put this on a card my whole list one at a time on three by five cards name address phone number or the word need to find I was called unfortunately to put plus or minus in the right hand corner willing to do or not willing to do and on the rest of the cart all the harm that I'm aware of. And I started with a pile that I was willing to do, and I knew where they were. And a funny thing happened to this pile that I wasn't willing to doing. It started to get less and less as I made the ones I was willing to do. And i would say to Don, how do I get the willingness to make the ones i'm not willing to do? He said by making the ones you're willing to. Do I would say now that I would spend more time with people on step eight, but I didn't get through them. Made a lot, went to a lot of places. Had about 50, 60, 70 left. Stopped. Riding high, director of a program. And I hit bottom really quick. It was before my second birthday and I was in amends and a lot of way into them by a year and a half because I started the work when I was six months sober, and I stopped. And within six months, I think, I hit the wall quickly, and it was about not living up to my ideal because I didn't have one. I had an ideal that I wrote out, but it was to impress my sponsor like I was going to be a monk or something. It wasn't my chosen ideal for the future, and my future with unfinished amends led to nothing but frivolous, casual, harmful sex. Two women were pregnant. Both of them called me on the same day, my sponsor said what a great experience. Isn't that great? You'll either run, you'll never finish those amends or you'll move on. So what did I do? I went back to Don and I said I can't finish these and I'm up against the wall and I've hurt some people. What do I do and we reviewed one two and three. There wasn't much of an inventory as far as resentment and fear that I hadn't looked at but it was about a major sex inventory choosing an ideal that I asked God to help mold, getting back into step eight, adding some new names, and being given the grace to finish every one of those amends. And some of them would be ongoing. Some of them I needed to follow through on. Some of my needed to pay money back. But it's really when some amazing stuff starts to happen. I have a little tattoo on my hand of a five-star pointed star. my three best friends and I when we were 17 years old we had a man in our life who was twice our age and he was like our hero I never had a father I never allowed myself to have a father even though I had one he was 60 when I was born he was 70 by the time I was 10 and I hated him the only time I had a dad the only times I was happy with my dad was when he was on his deathbed and so this guy was like my father failing to appreciate I had two older brothers that could have been there for anything I might have wanted I hurt them too I didn't allow them to be brothers because of hate for somebody else he wasn't even their father they was my half-brothers so I had this man John he was kind of like Charles Manson he was a genius, but it was all about the dark side. He was my hero. He'd been in the 101st Airborne. He had been a Hell's Angel. Ended up in Battle Creek. Photographic memory put his mind to something he would just do it. He would take us on adventures and when I got out of the penitentiary and before my parole was over I got in some trouble and I was told by my parole officer I had to flee of the state without permission. Quickly, I had a contract on my life for something I hadn't done, and that was part of making amends for stuff I had done. You take it. You'll get blamed for everything you ever did in sobriety that's unfinished. I wasn't even sober. I fled to Las Vegas where he was. He helped a dream of mine come true, and within a year, I'm dealing blackjack at the Dunes Hotel with a penthouse and some clothes, new cars, girlfriends. About a year later we were feeling really good one weekend and we went camping. We came back from camping. To me doing good was drinking, smoking pot, not shooting dope. 24 years old, came back for camping. His wife said wouldn't it be nice for us to get high one time? She meant shoot dope and he said yeah. He knew where to get some. He didn't have any money. I said I got plenty of money I bought the dope he shot it and died and I lived with that for nine more years or six seven eight more years that I bought the dope killed the man who was closer to me than my father couldn't live with it within six months I lost everything lost the job stuff fled Las Vegas in a chase a guy in my car chasing me flew to flew to Key West, Florida spent the next six years of my drinking there. Walked away from drugs, that's where I found out I'm not an addict. Made up my mind, walked away from heroin, made up my mine, walked away form cocaine, couldn't quit drinking. He died, part of me died and I never ever thought I would ever be able to be forgiven or forgive myself for that. My first couple years I made amends to him through a letter I read to another man. His mother, his father, his sister, his brother and something was missing. And for three years, I could not go to his grave. And I was in Las Vegas three, four times a year. On my fourth or fifth AA birthday, I was on my way to his house and I was there. I was going to be in Las Vagas for the umpteenth time and I woke up on my birthday, August 17th, and my intuition said, today you're going. There was no fight, no resistance, no emotional block. I had not been able to go there for all the years I'd been sober. Drove out to the graveyard, walked up to his graveyard like it was yesterday. my friends were about 100 yards away in a car and they said they could feel the power from this amends I sat at his grave, I said what I needed to say don't ever let anybody tell you you can't make amends to someone who's dead some of my most powerful amends have been at graves to someone whose past and I don't know where their body is and I sat in his grave and I said whatever I needed him to say and then I looked down and it was the anniversary of his death and it wasn't my sobriety date and I couldn't have done that one day sooner i think the whole universe starts to open anyone in this room that's ever been in amends has stories that are just absolutely not logical unbelievable i was telling one at lunch today about a friend of mine hymie who lived under the brighton beach boardwalk in new york uh under the boardwalk and at one time accidentally set the board walk on fire and burned a part of the brightton beach board walk down so he's in los angeles and he's an amends, he's going to go back to New York and he makes a bunch of them. But he calls me one day and he says, I am not going to the Brighton Beach Fire Department to make amends for that fire. I'm not going do it. I said, go to a meeting tonight, Jaime. He went to a meet and he shared about the resistance to that amends. The chief of the fire department that was the chief when the fire took place was in the meeting and he made amends." I mean, amazing things start to happen. subsequently in later years all three of those other guys are dead one was killed in prison one died drunk driving and one was killed in a drug rip off I had to go to their graves I went to their parents too because I had caused them harm um I mean it's when it really starts to happen, it's cuando tu vida realmente empieza a cerrar no uno en esta sala debería olvidar hacer amendos piensa en eso como otra pieza de libertad I was given an attitude a long time ago. It sounds a little selfish, but it helped the first few times. If I've seen in inventory how much power I've given to other people in my life, amends are about them getting free and me going back and getting the power I'm giving away to everybody in my line. And as you make them, you start to feel new power flow in. I've made amends to women who had no reason to ever want to see me again and sat with them when they weren't even sure they could see me that day they had to pray about it. They were in this program, I'd been engaged to them and by the time the amends were done there was healing that I never thought could take place. How do you make amends to a mother you've talked to through a plate glass window in the Michigan State Penitentiary and seen that look in her eyes? And we were square way before she passed away last year. It's really when it starts to happen so the mechanics are basically the same. if it has to be a letter, if they can't be found, if it's somebody you're reading a letter to to make through to someone else. It's still the same basic format, letter. Phone calls I don't really agree with unless they might ask, could we do this on the phone? Anything they ask, you should submit to. But the basic format is the same. This is why I'm here. This is the harm I'm clear on. Is there anything else that I did that hurt you? Do you need to tell me how any of that hurt you? And is there anything I could ever do to make it right? And sometimes when I move, because it's in the book, I might ask. It's kind of arrogant but not really. Do you think you can forgive me if you could ever forgive me? And follow through on what they ask. You go to an ex-girlfriend or a woman goes to an expoy friend and they say what I want you to do to make it right is let's sleep together. You say, no, I think that's what caused the harm in the first place. You can't really do things to follow through on a man that would cause more harm because in doing so you're harming them. Again, you might be harming him. But you know what? I've never been asked to do anything unreasonable. What I find a lot of people fall into is the trap of thinking they know what the outcome is going to be and what they're going to being asked to before they go. You know, I owe so-and-so $10,000. I've got to have $10.000 before I can go to him. That's assuming you know what they're going to ask when you ask what you can do to make it right. Like Mark said, five bucks a week is a lot more humbling than 5,000 bucks in one pop. Look at what a big shot I am. Arrange the best deal you can is what my book says. Another guide that's helpful. You know the guide we use for the third column of the inventory? When I'm mad at you, did it hurt, threaten, or interfere with my self-esteem, pride? Do the reverse on your amends card. How did I interfere with their self-esteem, their pride, their ambition, their security, their personal relations, their sex relations, or their pocketbook? Use the third column guide for making amends to somebody else. That's all I have right now. The book was published in 1939, and if you know anything about Bill's history, Bill lived within about a 50-mile radius his entire life, and so did Dr. Bob. I just made a list of where I had to go to make amends. Iowa, South Dakota, California, Colorado, Oregon, Washington, Alaska. The point that I'm making... I didn't finish my amends. I didn' t finish them, even the approaches, because I was a fairly nomadic drunk. It had to be five, six, seven years. I had a lot of places I had to go. It cost money at the same time I'm trying to support a family and do some other things. I want to talk about some specific amends that I've made. First of all, I'd like to talk about people that have passed on whose name came up in my eight step. And in particular, I think about these were all people that were back in the state of Iowa and had gone back to this town called Humboldt, Iowa. One of my closest friends when I was growing up, His mother had worked for my mother. It was a nursing home. And in 1968, he and his girlfriend were parked in the car, and the floorboards all wore out, and they got asphyxiated, and the car burst on fire and killed them both. So he was in this grave, and then I had a grandmother, and I had great-aunt, and thenI had a gal named Diane who I had sex with in college. She was a virgin, as a matter of fact. And so as I continue to go through the amends, I'm going to go back to Iowa and make some amends. By then my blood family had moved to Colorado with the exception I still had a lot of in-laws back in Iowa. So I made that trip back and there probably were close to 50 to 60 amends within about a 100 mile radius back in Idaho which is where I'd been born and raised. So I began that process, but I went out to the grave site and all four of these people were buried in the same graveyard. And what basically I did, the book says if you can't find me, write a letter. So I wrote a letter as though I was making amends face-to-face. And when you talk about incredible experiences happen, I remember being at Ronnie's grave and making the amends to him. And you're looking for this idea of what to do and this thought filtered through my head and the thought was that my mother always loved you and please come see her every time you're back in Humboldt, Iowa. So I did that right up to the day she died and I swear to God, every time. See, I've never had a child that died nor do I know what it's like to carry a child inside you for nine months and then have that child die a tragic horrible death when that child was 21 years old but that woman went through that And every time I came back there, I was one of the few people that ever seemed to bring any memory of him back to her. She was always ecstatic every time they came back to see her and I know why I got those instructions at that gravesite. It's never what the hell it looks like it's going to be. Never what it's like. And making amends to this grandmother who did nothing but love me. period. Last four or five years, she's in a nursing home. I don't go see her one time. Shame and the guilt and remorse of that make amends. And what comes into my consciousness is have compassion and kindness for elderly people and go visit some on occasion. I do that to this day in the treatment center I run. Since I'm the CEO, I get to do what I want. And every Saturday, they go to a nursinghome for three hours. Initially, they hate it. You know they're terrified of it you know why because they're looking at themselves and then pretty soon within 10-15 minutes these these people have them all lit up and then ultimately becomes the favorite thing they can do make an amends to to that woman and basically what comes to my mind at the gravesite after making the amends is is have compassion and understanding and let honesty come into your relationships with women. Powerful, powerful, incredible stuff. I was talking earlier to a lady, women are not the only ones who've been involved with abortions. Two situations actually of women, one I was married to, one I wasn't. One I was not. Making amends for an involvement in that situation and that decision to end a life. See, because by then as you... write him to the Spirit. You ask for forgiveness, and what can you do? I'm going to talk about another man in 1968. It would have been 1968. I got a gal pregnant. I'd known this gal two years, went out there one night, and we had sex, and nine months to the day, a boy is born. She named him Chad. and I had tried for years to find her and my son, and back then, that was in 1968, if you can imagine, and normally what happened is you either married him or her father would kill you. And I didn't do either, and neither happened, but they took me to court and saw her one time. They asked that I do certain things. I did those certain things, forgot about it like we do. So I'm trying to find them, trying to fine them, trying to find him, can't find him. And so in 1999, and this is about you never know what things look like. I told you earlier I'd gone back to Iowa. I was going to go back for a class reunion, but the only reason that took place is I got terminated from a job I had for seven years. And in hindsight, if I hadn't been terminated, none of this would have happened. So again, you know, we all like to talk about how neat God is when it plays out the way we like it? Well, I don't know about your experiences, but when you get terminated from a job, your income takes a huge dip and your expenses continue at a certain level that produces an emotion called fear. So I get let go from this job and so I go into meditation for about a week. What am I to do? What amI to do put your stuff in storage? Go back to Colorado. My mother had gotten the early stages Alzheimer's. The sense I had was she was going to die within six months, spend some time there. Go back to this reunion. That is not what I want to hear. See, I got a little fear going on, right? I need to get a job. No. Put your stuff in storage. Go back to Colorado. Spend time. Go back. Six days in a row I get that message. It wasn't any sense of doing the seven, so it's like, okay, fine, fine. You know, you're sober for a while and you do this, it just It's like a nagging thing. It just won't, fine, great, I'll do it. Put the stuff in storage and go up to Colorado and spend a week or two with my mother and I was glad I did because six months later she passed away and it was good to spend time with her. And then I go back and I'm going to, I got to pass through this little town that's 16 miles from Humboldt Island. and I got a hotel, and I get to this town called Fort Dodge, Iowa. And it's like a force field went down and said, you're going to stay at this hotel. It's like you're driving, and then I'm very clear. I've got 16 miles to go. I got to a hotel. And the wheel goes, boom. And I stop, and they go, stay at the hotel. Okay. So you check in. You stay at that hotel. I get up the next morning. I do meditation. go down to the courthouse go to the records department okay see I'd never been able to find what had happened is this woman who had my son and turned around and got remarried changed her last name I had no way of finding that out I didn't have any idea so I go down the court records so I walk up and this lady says what do you want? I said well I'm not sure she said well I don't know if I can help you then And I said, well, back in, it would have been 1969, you may have some court record. And she goes, she pulls out this thing and she said, well, we have stuff on computer but that's only from the early 80s on. If you want, I'll give you a key and you can go down in this room, dungeon is what it was like. And I go down there and there's these books. So needless to say, I find it. So I went back upstairs and she went and pulled it and came back. and lo and behold, there's a piece of paper in there and it had her married name. So now I go to the phone book and this is a town like 30,000 and there's three names. So I go the first address and there no one there. I go second address that's probably like 10, 30, 11 in the morning and this guy with the big beer bellies out there drinking beer and I said, oh, I can talk to this guy. So I get out of my car and I walk up and he said, how can I help you? And I said well, I'm looking for so-and-so to deliver here and he looks at me and he goes well who are you I said well my name is Mark Houston he goes oh you're Chad's father and I said uh I think we've hit something here and I said well yeah I guess I guess i am I said do you have any idea and he said well my brother was married to her they got divorced a long time ago she now lives in another town that's 200 miles away uh Chad does live in this town Chad's not talking to his mother they haven't talked in three years, and I don't much care for her either, but I got Chad's number for you. I can get it. He dials, gets a friend. He said, do you have Chad's number? Yeah, boom, he gives me the number. So now I got this number. Then I go on back up, and then this idea comes to me that I need to find the mother and talk to her first. I saw this boy one time in a courtroom when he was like a year and a half old. That's it, right? It's not like there's been this... So I had the town that this woman had moved to, and I knew what her name was. So I called directory assistance, and they had two of them. I call the first one, it's disconnected. I call a second one, and a voice answers, female voice, and I says, is this so-and-so? Yeah, first name only. Did you used to be so-an-so, yeah. And I said, well, this is Mark Houston, dead silent. So I did what the book said, told her why I was calling. Well, it turned out she'd had her own spiritual experience, but it was through a religious faith and we wound up talking for about an hour and uh doing some talking and praying and crying and i wound up giving her her son's telephone number because she didn't have it because of spiritual pride in an argument they had had for almost three years so i'm watching how god works right see there's a reason i can't make that amend for 18 years and the reason was ultimately to bring those two I mean it's just crazy and so I get done with that and I ask her permission would it be alright to call him and she said yeah so I called a couple times no answer needless to say I did not leave a message because I didn't think it right that I'd just come barging in and so third time I reached him and the same thing I told him I said do you know who I am he said oh yeah I know who you are and so I told them why I was calling and I talked about the nature of the harm and the abandonment and everything else and I said you need to tell me how sorry I am he said I need to sit with this those are words that I have been using for years he said I need to sit với this and if we want to talk about it further he said i'll get in touch with you now that was in 1999 and I hadn't heard another word and about two weeks ago I get a short note in the mail and there's a clipping from this paper and he's running for city council he's got me written all over the two other guys are in their 60s he was born September 6th of 68 so he's like 35 he's running for city council and here's these other guys but there was just a little note attached to it that said he really did sit on it didn't he that's what three years he said I thank you he said i'm glad that you're doing well with your life and he said i'm doing the same stay in touch wow what a deal I just got that a couple of weeks ago. I haven't even told you about that. What an incredible deal. Don't miss out on this stuff. Don't mess up your life. Don't get missed out on the levels of freedom. I'm going to tell you one other experience. After making those two amends, as far as I knew in my realm of consciousness, there was no harm I had ever put out in the universe that I had not cleaned up. And I want to tell You about an experience that happened to me the next morning after that is I came out of a meditation and it literally felt like I was taken through some kind of a barrier, and I can only use the words in the big book, into the fourth dimension. And I begin to experience that moment from that moment to this, begin to experienced life in a way that I can't even hardly describe to you other than to tell you this, that the only reality of my life is the present moment, this breath, the holiness and sacredness of it, and it is beyond my comprehension. And it matters not who I'm with, where I'm at, or what I'm doing. It matters about this moment and this moment only. And I am surrounded by grace and love. And I don't believe it's a coincidence that I made those amends all of those amens all of those approaches and had that experience. That's why I wouldn't want any of you to miss it. The healing that has taken place within me and with another people, see when I created that harm, I broke their heart, I robbed their heart and I give them back a piece of their heart. You know? I tell the men I work with when it comes to amends, be a warrior. This is time to be a warrior. Be a man. Be a woman. Stand up. Be accountable. Show people what this program does. Sit across from people. Get clear on where you're wrong. It's okay. Like Joe says, you leave the outcome in God's hands. The end result of all this and I'll talk tomorrow is when I look at my life situation it is so far beyond my comprehension I can't even tell you. I get to work and do something I absolutely love. I do what I do for nothing. I don't believe that that's a coincidence I live where I want to live I get to travel all over the country I have more friends I even begin to have time to spend time with I'm at peace with Mark what you see is what you get I'm in peace with my defects I'm peace with brokenness I know there are some gifts I've been given some great gifts There are some things I do that are very unique to me, and I stand in the fullness of that. See, I don't apologize for having gifts. God, what a great way to experience life. There was a thing that came to me not that long ago around this whole issue, and that was this. It seemed like in the process of the first nine steps and moving through my amends, it's somewhere in the middle of that, when I was done, I'm now ready to die and somehow when you're ready to die, you can now live at a level that you never could live before. See, I have no fear of death. I have no fear of death I know what it's like to experience oneness I very seldom harm people anymore I know what love is not the emotionalism see, I don't love people in varying degrees I love everybody the same the same I believe that's how God loves God don't miss this stuff don't mess up don't forget this nine step stuff that we're talking about it'll change your life at a cellular level capacity to love to be at peace with yourself to know God to have power to be an agent of God Joe and I have a 20 year history he's my oldest friend in recovery That's because the rest of them have died and drank themselves. And he knows me back then, and I know him. And I look at what God has done with two wretches like us. See? It's incomprehensible to me what God can do. Don't miss out on this. Let yourself be an agent of God. Let God demonstrate through you what God Can Do. That's all I got in this session. My deepest resentment was toward a father that I never appreciated. And those emotions, those feelings, that attitude never changed until I went to his grave. If your family is alive, if your mother and father are alive and the amends are unfinished, take advantage of it while they're alive. But you can also get free if they've passed. I think I was in Battle Creek, Michigan four times before I got to a men's. In those four times, because Battle Creek is quite small and I outgrew it when I was 15, I would drive around Battle Creek and there was just places and I would look over my shoulder. There were still people after me. I would go by old homes and they just had so many hooks in me. And half the people in the meeting in Denver where they do their work said, oh, you can't make amends to your dad. But my sponsor said, God will be there. He's everything. So on my fourth or fifth visit to Battle Creek sober, I went to Battle Greek with a pretty big list. I only lived there. I really, they sent me away in ninth grade. They didn't know what to do with me. And for a long time, I was paid to stay away. My game in the late years of my drinking was to call home and say, I'm coming home. And they'd say, no, you're not. it's too small there's a lot of people after you how much do you need I had six years in Key West where guys would literally follow me to Western Union and I would pay them off and I'd start again so I'm in Battle Creek for the fourth time sober I have an amends list, I have some freedom my life is changing, I've made some and I'm on my way and I was in my hometown and I had a friend there who was now sober we drank together, I became his sponsor a guy that I used to drink with Larry Little and every time I would be in Battle Creek we'd go to an AA meeting and we'd come up to a club and we would go by this old club we used to go to to steal some vicarious pleasure or get laid and I'm there for the fourth time and I'm willing to make amends and in those four visits previous to that maybe one or two people would walk into that club or I'd see one or three people in Battle Greek that I knew and I'd be like the night that I arrived in Battle Creek my friend and I went to a meeting and I'm willing to make amends I sat in that club after the meeting 15 people on my list walked into that club and I got to make appointments of course I saved my dad for the last one as I'm getting ready to go to the airport 2-3 weeks later I'd made like 30-40 amends I'm not going to brag about it but we have a friend here from our group in Santa Monica who got out of the penitentiary not too long ago with 360 amends. A couple weeks ago he finished his last one that he was aware of, my friend Lawrence. So the last one I'm going to do is at my dad's grave. I went to my dad's graveyard and I got free. I'm leaving the graveyard and I had not been able to go to that grave since the day of his funeral because you know what they did with me the dayof his funeral? They tied me to a tree by an ankle with a chain because I showed up so drunk at my dad's funeral, the guard that brought me from a mental institution, little white room, didn't know what to do. They let me go to his funeral, but they tied me to a tree like a dog, and that's what I was. And I couldn't go to that grave for nine years, not 10 years since I was 21. Now I'm 31, and I'm at his grave. And I said what I needed to say, and I am ready to leave that graveyard and go straight to the airport. My intuition said, no, you're not. you're going to take a drive by those places that used to bother you on all these visits to Battle Creek where you were born the next house you lived in, the schools the drug area the bars and I took a drive around Battle Creek Michigan and I was free there wasn't one hook left and I'd finished every amends in Battle Creek that I was aware of and then I had to start going different places I'll tell you a story about two different people one guy never left south central Los Angeles. He was 30 years old and he had never been to the beach. He'd never seen the beach The beach is 15 miles not even 15 miles He got to amends and in this 20-30 mile area I don't know what he had about 300 amends He was a B&E artist He was good at it He never got caught So he had about 100 to friends and family And he had about 200 that he knew were places he broke into He started making those. He would go to some neighborhoods, like a cul-de-sac. He'd sit in front of a neighborhood and say, Dear God, please show me the homes I broke into. He has stories you absolutely wouldn't. Families that asked him to get on their knees with them. Families that had sons that were in trouble. Asked for his help. This guy got free. Free. Another guy lived in North America, South America, England, France, and Asia. His parents were French. He went to English boarding schools. Then he lived in Hong Kong. Then he went to South America. Then he came to Los Angeles. Then he got sober. He got to a men's. He had about 400. God, the kid wasn't even 24 years old. We put him in piles. North America, South America, England, France, and Asia. So when I get some idiot that says I'm not going back to Iowa, I tell him about JP. But JP is a little cocky. He came to me when he was done with his piles. We looked at those cards, and he said to me, you know what I'm going to do? I'm gonna make every one of these amends and I'm gunna prove to you the program doesn't work. And he set out for a year and a half, finished North America, went to South America, went to England, France, and then ended up with his family in Asia. Two weeks after he finished his last amends, his father passed away. He inherited about $10 million in cash in a multimillion-dollar corporation that he's run to this day and I swear to you he could not have done that six months earlier. Amazing things will come to pass for you and countless others on your list. Healing that you never believed could happen. I mean we've all heard stories like somebody they couldn't find somebody for years and they pull up to a red light and bang there's the person they've been looking for. I had one one time five years sober I was still in Denver and I have a fiancee in Los Angeles who left Denver because I really hurt her. I went out to California. I had three other ones in California. I'm the kind of guy that can make amends long distance without even living in that city and I had 3 other amends. One of them was someone I couldn't find, another lady. I saw those first 3 amazing healings with my ex-fiancee. She asked me when I asked her what I could do to make it right if I would come to LA twice a month and go to therapy to see if we could work it out or at least end a relationship in a healthy way for the first time in our lives. And I said, I'll find a way to do that. And then she said, and take me next week on your vacation as a friend. And this was a woman that two days earlier wasn't sure she could even see me. We're still friends. I made the other two and there was one I couldn't find. I put a question mark by her name. I said a prayer. I got on my knees and I went to speak at a meeting. I would never have gone to alone. CA meeting in South Central, in a scary place. And I went because I'm not afraid. And I spoke at this meeting and a woman comes up to me after. She said, did you get sober in Denver? I said, yeah. She said do you know Cindy so-and-so? I said I'm looking for her. I just prayed about finding her today. She said here's her phone number and her address. She lives right down the street from where you're staying in Santa Monica. That night that I prayed dear God please show me how to find this woman. I mean you can't explain it it doesn't make any sense thank God if amends made sense we would have all figured it out we would've graduated we probably wouldn't be here thank God it doesn'T make sense thank God you don'T graduate and thank God there's been amends since because a lot of people have been able to get free and me too so thanks for letting us share and we'll see you at 9 o'clock tomorrow morning Could we have a few moments of silence followed by the serenity prayer? God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change courage to change things I can always listen to no difference God we invite you into this room to guide and direct each of us as we seek your truth Father please set aside within each of that that which would block us off from the truth lay aside our prejudices about what we think we know about this process this meeting and our spiritual condition remove our fears Lord that we may hear Your truth through the members of this group. Give us the strength and courage to share Your truth with each other in a real spirit of love and compassion for each other. Amen. The real alcoholic affirmations for today are Today I will compulsively weigh myself each hour, each time sinking deeper into a pool of depression. Today I will further solidify the separation between my mind and my body. Today I will hurry, hurry, hurry to live my life because the future looks bleak. And I will always remember that team playing is for insecure people who aren't capable of doing things on their own. You see, you really do feel better after you read those. I'm not a perfect child of the universe, perfect in every way. I'd like to start with upon awakening. And you know you can wake up any time you choose? We had a question after we drove in the parking lot. How many people noticed the message on the sign outside, the school sign? One, two, three, four. And what was the message? You remember? Those of you who looked up, it's right by the bridge on the school sign. You remember the message ? You are responsible. You are responsible for everything in your life, everything that you are, and everything that we do. Everything that you do. For me, there was a big conflict when I entered the world of the Spirit because I had been so alone and so separate from others, my true self, God, that when I started hearing people talk about what do you do after having a spiritual awakening as a result of the steps. A lot of it sounded like self-help because statements like that, you are responsible, lead me to believe that I'm the one that has to do it alone. Forgetting that I have now made conscious contact and when they say you are responsible for everything, that means me and my union with God. I'm not alone in those things. It's not self-health anymore. I always get a kick when I see people in the media refer to Alcoholics Anonymous as a self-help program because I believe it's a program for people who can't help themselves but I also, it took me a long time to get this this book, I believe describes me when I'm suffering from lack of power but as I talked about yesterday it begins to make a major shift after the fifth step because it now addresses somebody who has power in their life. And things that were ridiculous when I was, you know, shut off from that power, you can rely on your own mind, you can trust your intuition, the problem has been removed, were so contrary to what I believed up to that point that it was a long time before I realized that there then is a section of this book or this process or whatever you want to call it that starts to address a person who has access to a power greater than themselves. And you're now asked to use that power. They say you're not always going to be inspired, you'll make mistakes, but they do make statements like we have recovered. We have been given the power to help others. They make statements like, you can use your will properly. You can find out about proper use of the will. You can exercise your willpower along certain lines. All that you want. You're safe and protected. So when I read a statement like that, there's still a little part of me that says, you mean I'm the one that's going to have to do it? And I forget, no, I'm not alone anymore. I have a conscious contact with whatever you want to call it. Since this is on my mind, I'll say this. Well, I will ask for a show of hands. How many people have used the excuse if you missed the evening review to just not do it? Oh, I missed it yesterday. How many have used that excuse? I was told something so simple not too long ago when someone said to me, hey, if you missed the evening review, why not start the morning with the evening review and then do upon awakening? And just go back. Whenever you catch yourself that you've been lazy or that you missed a day of not doing the evening preview or two days, and it's really a big part of 10 and 11, as soon as you catch yourself, as soon als you wake up, do the evening review back to the last time you did the evening review. It might be 24 hours. it might be 48 hours so just because you missed the evening review in the evening don't think you can't start the day with the evening preview going back to the previous evening review but in the morning it says on awakening you see just because your body wakes up doesn't mean you've woken up we all know about being asleep on our feet walking around dreaming that we're alive and then you catch yourself upon awakening can be in any moment Anytime in the day. You might not wake up until noon and you've been walking around for, you know, five or six hours. Or an hour. In my case, sometimes. Upon awakening, let's think about the 24 hours ahead. We consider our plans for the day Before we begin, we ask God to direct our thinking, especially asking that it be divorced from self-pity dishonest or self-seeking motives. Under these conditions, we can employ our mental faculties with assurance. For after all, God has given us brains to use. That's restored. Our thought life will be placed on a much higher plane when our thinking is cleared of wrong motives. In thinking about the day we may face indecision, we may not be able to determine which course to take. So ask God for an inspiration, an intuitive thought or a decision and then relax. Take it easy. Don't struggle. We are often surprised how the right answer will gradually become a working part of the mind. Being still inexperienced and having just made conscious contact that day it is not probable that I'm going to be inspired at all times I might pay for that presumption in all sorts of absurd actions and ideas nevertheless I will find that my thinking will as time passes be more and more on the plane of inspiration I will come to rely on it we conclude the meditation with a prayer that we be shown all through the day what our next step is to be that we be given whatever we need to take care of such problems. We ask especially for freedom from self-will and are careful to make no requests for ourselves. I think for a lot of people myself included the writing in the 12 and 12 and the writing in the big book on the 10th step can be quite confusing it doesn't have to be confusing I see that they give me things in the 10th step to do when I've stopped my day before I begin my day and especially as I go through the day I think one of the overlooked words on my part in the tenth step is that it starts with the word continue I also see now that the 11th step gives me things to do in the morning things to do in the evening and things to do during the day as the mistake I made with step one and all the other steps I find out there's a lot more to the step in the long form than there is in the short form step 10 is about a lot more than continuing to take personal inventory and promptly admitting when I'm wrong which means inventory and amends which would probably include 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9. Now I've heard people who say that's all the tenth step is is a repeat or a review or a way to do on a daily basis four through nine. I've had people say I've read people refer to the tenth and eleventh and twelfth step as the maintenance steps. My book says that the 10th and 11th step, my next function is to grow past where I am in understanding and effectiveness. Those are two very important words because understanding without effectiveness becomes selfishness. It's just about me now. And that's what I'm supposed to get free of. I can't do that on my own power. So I'm going to use the principles that I've learned in 4 through 9, but I don't want to view the 10th and 11th step as just maintaining something that I have just come out of step 9 with. It also says, and it doesn't need to be a point of debate, that we commence this way of living as we cleaned up the past. But I will say to you, the dimensions and the disciplines and the experience with 10, 11, and 12 on the other side of every amends I'm consciously aware of from when I'm using 10 and 11 while I'm in amends are like night and day. I think the focus of 10 and11 while you have amends the focus should be the intent should be on my amends and how I can help other people but I've watched this I'll throw a consideration out there Is it possible that the ego is so strong that you can use the work to avoid doing the work? Now, what do I mean by that? Let's say somebody's in amends for their first time. They have some unfinished amends. They're trying to continue to take inventory. They're tying to stay current so they're not just making more amends as they're finishing amends and the amends never end. you're trying to stay current, you're using prayer and meditation and you're helping a lot of people and all of a sudden working with others which most people would think is totally unselfish becomes an ego diversion to keep from doing the work that you need to do. Now if we all had a great place to be in this fellowship and there was just tons of people to send a new person to or we all lived in Denver. I don't think people that haven't finished the work should be working with others personally because you are not an alcoholic or a drug addict who can say I have had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps. But nowadays we don't have that luxury and I think I've seen as much benefit as there could be distraction as with anything to people beginning to work with people right away. I have seen the benefit of somebody working with others when they're in inventory and they got some people right on their back pushing them along because I think you might notice another interesting phenomenon and look at this when you get a chance to view it. You will not watch very many people that are being worked with get past the person that's working with them. I've yet to see very many people finish amends when they have a sponsor who hasn't finished amends I think there's some spiritual law to that so I've seen the benefits of having people right there with you you know right behind you you've just covered you know the first part of step one and you got a guy that you're just sharing that with like the next day I've seen the benefits of that, but I've also seen the distraction to somebody using step 12 to avoid having a spiritual awakening as a result of the steps. I actually met one man once who said to me in his own words from his own mouth, I use service to avoid recovery. This was a man who was like on our general service board. So you have to be really careful because the ego can convince you that you're doing the work to avoid doing the work. What's another phenomenon Mark and I have seen? One through nine and a half, oh, I've got to get in another workshop, start step one again. They didn't finish amends. Next time they get to step nine, they make a few more, ohp, got to getting another workshop to start the work again and they never get to that or even people that do one through nine finish the amends they're aware of and then go right back to step one and they don't have those wonderful periods of time that's about living and loving and dancing and having fun in 10, 11, and 12. I went to a Native American man once who was a great influence in my sobriety, and I had four amends left from the work that I was in. I said to him, will you take me through the work? He said, where are you at? I said, I got four amens. He said absolutely not. Finish those four amends and give me a call that woke me up i finished those four amens i gave him a call he said will you take me through the work he said absolutely not it's time to did you finish those amends i said yeah he said why don't we talk about 10 11 and 12 for a while we spent a year together on 10 11 12 and then when intuitively it was time for me to do the work again then we did one through nine so don't rob rob people of that experience when they're done with every amends they're consciously aware of to having some time in 10 11 and 12 oh you got to get back in step one again and be really careful that you're not using the work or service as a distraction from having a balance between doing both your work and trying to help other people but i will say you will have a much better time working with others when you've actually had a spiritual awakening as a result of the steps and not just a major awakening as a result of steps one through nine and a half that's all i really wanted to say just now morning everyone i'm mark i'm an alcoholic there is a spiritual law joe was talking about here's what it is you will transmit what you have but you cannot transmit what you do not have that is a spiritual law in terms of that. I want to read a couple things that are going to tie into what I have to say about my experience with Steps 10 and 11. It's not necessary you open your book. They're reminders. In the doctor's opinion, it says, in nearly all cases, our ideals must be grounded in power greater than themselves if we are to recreate our lives. The word is recreate. Page 45 says, the main object of this book is enable you to find a power greater than yourself which will solve your problem. Steps 10 and 11 have become for me practices to help me decide along with this power what kind of life I want to have to recreate my life in every single area of my life, to accept complete accountability and responsibility for my life. What do I want to do? The course of action, the first nine steps, catapult you into what the big book calls the world of the spirit. Incredibly fascinating, exciting things. New language. For example, it's not about them anymore. you get thrust into the 10th and 11th step as a result of the work in the first nine. It is not about them anymore. You can no longer say thy will be done and sit on your butt, you know? 10 and 11, for me, it's thy will be done, I do the next 35 things that I think I'm supposed to be doing. I am responsible for every phase of my life from my physical health to my financial condition to everything because now I'm aligned with this power. And this power says, you're a big boy, you've been shown some things. now there's some practices what are you going to do with your life what do you want to do recreate every phase of your life where do you wanna live what do we don't like that no it's too easy to stay in that first and second column and not take responsibility for your life that's what 1011 are as I am completely responsible for my life I'm aligned with this power I took a course of action in which I awakened to this power, which was always within me and without, but that I felt separate from the work in 4 through 9 allowed me to face and be rid of that which has me blocked so I'll use my own life and some specifics right now around some things that I'm going to recreate because I told you I'm just starting to go back through the steps. I'm up through the doctor's opinion. So if I use the step zero terminology that Joe used, which I think is probably good, I ask myself, how do you want to create your life, recreate your life right now? You're in your 21st year of sobriety. You're 56 years old. You live in Dallas, Texas. This is what you're doing for business. How do you wanna recreate your life? What is your vision? See, the big book is gonna talk to you about vision. It's not it's not God's vision. Why? Because God and I are one. It's my vision, see? My vision, what I want it to look like. So specifically, physical health. I've mentioned the smoking issue. I'd been up against that wall. What do I want to recreate? I'm going to recreate that I'm a non-smoker to tap into power. I'm weighing about 20 more pounds than what I like to weigh. That will come off. I'm not exercising as much as I used to. That will change. My finances have undergone dramatic changes in the last four years. That will continue to improve and get even better, become an even better steward of that which comes across me. No one else is responsible for my financial condition. Much more effective in my work and career. Joe and I have one more of these to do in Memphis, Tennessee in June and then we're going to rotate ourselves out of doing anything like this probably for at least a year and a half. Why? Because this is the only area that I can see in AA there's no spirit of rotation. So if there's not a spirit of rotation we're gonna rotate ourselves out. I'm gonna write a book on what the 12 steps have done for me in my life. Exciting, incredible stuff. I'm going to travel to some monasteries and go talk to some people. I'm gonna go to a workshop of Eckhart Tolle who I believe is a living mystery. Exciting incredible stuff that I get to do because I'm aligned with this power. See? How free do you want to be? How responsible do you want to take with your life? See, there's power in what I'm talking about. Do you understand that? There's power is in this. You're aligned with this power. Thy will be done. Do whatever you want. Sounds paradoxical, doesn't it? Thy will being done. Do whatever we want. Whatever you want, the best years of our lives lay ahead of us. Some of us in here are a little bit older than some of you. I absolutely know in my heart of hearts the best years of my life lie ahead of me man, I'm going for it me and this power that I have awakened to I get to decide where I live and what my home looks like and how much money is in the bank what kind of company I work for and how many people and how long I earn and all that other kind of exciting stuff if you're not excited about your life coupled with this power you really missed something life is a very precious thing it's gone in the blink of an eye your awareness you start to wake up to this become grateful for the typical response people ask me how I'm doing you know what my response is incredible but I expect to get better see versus you know how you do oh I'm not doing too well I mean we've been given we've been given rebirth and tremendous power it saddens me sometimes I think of these new people coming into our meetings where so many of the people sitting in the room are consumed with self-pity fear and all of that stuff and that's what we're presenting to these new people our meeting should be cheerleading sessions about the power of God in our lives You want to attract somebody, do that. See? There's a Tuesday night CA meeting in Dallas. I love going there. A lot of younger people, a lot of juice in there. You walk out of that meeting, you're going to go do something with your life. See? But we create that. We create that kind of energy. I don't know about the rest of you. I don' t have time anymore to go to those meetings. I don''t have time to spend time around people like that. do not ever think your environment does not have an impact on you it does I don't care how spiritually fit you are your environment will impact you I pay very close attention to who I spend time with where I go what I do what I watch what I read because it influences me I don t have time for negativity my employees learn that very quick about me. You know, there's a book called The Four Agreements, Don Miguel Ruiz, fabulous book. And he talks in there about the spreading of emotional poison. Anthony DeMello, you're asleep dreaming you're awake. And I didn't realize this, but we've all been taught from an early age, about 80% of our dialogue is about people who are not in the room. And it's not very constructive dialogue. When you come to work at Burning Tree, you're given the four agreements to read as an assignment. That's what you get from us. And if you spread emotional poison and somebody's even a little bit awake, they're going to confront you. But I tell people, this here is not a garbage can. Don't be putting crap in it, right? Not about them anymore. I've done all that. I was asleep for years. I didn't know that 90% of my dialogue was about people who weren't in my presence. Most of my life, absolutely asleep, dreaming I'm awake, taking for granted the most sacred of all things, my breath. And everything flows out from your breath. And most of you probably this weekend haven't even given one thought to the most essential thing in your life, your breath. That's how asleep we are. Wake up. See? Now, we talked this week, waking up is not pleasant, you know. It could be an incredible deal. This is my attitude around 10 and 11. Now, for years in AA, I did not understand much of what I'm sharing with you. I did no understand that the 10th and 11th step is completely new language, and it's language that's speaking to the power of God in my life and my spirit. And it's not intended to be understood with my mind. It's intended to be practiced. And I want to talk about that a minute, because I've talked to you some of this weekend. Unbeknownst to me for years is the effect produced by alcohol in a line of cocaine, which was instantaneous. I have gone through life expecting everything in my life to produce that kind of effect in that period of time.