Rigorous Program of Action – Beginners Workshop – Part 1 of 3 – Billy N.

Okay. Hi, I'm Billy Noonan. I'm an alcoholic. By the grace of God, I've been sober since January 5th of 1990. My home group's the On a Different Footing Big Book Workshop in North held in New Jersey. However, I am a New Yorker. I have a jersey plate on my car. That's the honest part of the program. I live in Jersey. It's a difficult day in sobriety to put that plate on your car. I actually flew from Orlando. I've been away at corporate training all week and I've gotten like no sleep. I mean like four hours a night for the last five days. so you're getting straight caffeine, which could be dangerous. AA has no opinions. I have quite a few of them. I'll try to stick to my experience, what I've witnessed, what I'm seeing with my own two eyes. That's not opinion. I am definitely a big book thumper. I'm not afraid to admit it. I'm ashamed of it. I know that it's the only thing that saved my life. I've only been to one meeting since between last Sunday morning and now tonight. I still go to three to four meetings a week. But I have to tell you that, you know, this week I had to regiment myself very good because I was running a big corporate training event. You know, I'm a guy who spent his first year in a correctional facility sober. I'm a guy who knows what it looks like when you haven't changed your socks in 30 days and you live on the street, what your feet look like. I'm the guy that's eaten other people's food that they pushed outside a hotel room door. So, you know, I guess a lot of what I have to say tonight is, you now, this disease that I have, and if you're a real alcoholic like described in the big book, our outside conditions have nothing to do with this internal condition we suffer from. Lots of people, and I am not anti-treatment center. In fact, I do not make up words in the big book. I do NOT insert things between lines. I read the black. The black says we should take advantage of the medical community. Some people need medical treatment before they get sober. I just wish that if I stay out of that 28 days, that after that 28 days they would stay out of the business between me and my sponsee. That's just my wish. I don't want to argue with someone because it becomes an argument between me and their aftercare counselor. But I can talk about me that this week, you know, I was around a lot of alcohol. I worked a lot hours. Big deal. Lots of people work a lot of hours, you know. I'm the kind of alcoholic that when I got sober and finally got a little bit of money, like $5 an hour job. And I called up my sponsor and said, you know, I got a money order today. I paid the rent. I paid to phone bill. I sent $10 to the credit card company I owe $2,000 to. You know, like went through this whole thing and the only thing really he had to say was, you know Billy, people have been doing that for thousands of years. you know like I'd love to tell you that that's something special but really my honest as honest as I can be is there are certain things that other people find natural that to me seem like climbing Mount Everest I mean going to four years of college in a row finishing on time How do people do that, you know? But I want to tell you that this week, come one of those nights, I knew I needed to get to a meeting. Meetings don't keep me sober. I share in meetings. I dump with my sponsor. That's what I've been taught. I go to meetings to share the solution of Alcoholics Anonymous. Not to wreck your day. not to share my crappy day with you, not to share my problem of the day with you. I go there to share the solution of Alcoholics Anonymous and to hear other people share the solution. But it looks different now. It doesn't look like it looked 14 years ago. 14 years ago I went to AA meetings based on whether they served cookies or donuts. That sounds funny, but it's the truth. I didn't have money. If I could afford two slices of pizza and a pack of Newports, it was a good day, you know? And if I couldn't get pizza, well then get an extra pack of new ports. I can stay okay on coffee and cigarettes, you know? I lived a good part of my early sobriety like that. You know, but what did it look like this week? I had a call and, you know, find out the address of a group that met at 10 o'clock. I'd been there once before. My secretary was traveling with us this week, and she called and arranged for a car. So it looks very different. I walk out of some nice hotel in Orlando. I get in some black Lincoln Town car. It takes me to this Alano Club in Winter Park, Florida. It's a late night smoking meeting. My externals have changed. There's no doubt about that. They don't make me a better person, don't Make me a worse person, but they have Absolutely nothing to do With me suffering from the disease of Alcoholism I killed someone drinking and driving That doesn't make be an alcoholic Tomorrow somewhere In this city or another city I'm telling my story Not going to get a lot into it tonight But what I do know is this I came to AA for the first time At 15 years old I got sober this time at age 23 I know we like to talk about there's a lot of things you hear in meetings that aren't in the book We like to say that it's you know, the disease is progressive I believe that but that doesn't mean you're any more alcoholic because my book tells me there's no such thing Did my bottoms change? Absolutely Did my surroundings change between 15 and 23 no doubt about it was i in worse physical condition yes did i suffer from the same disease described in the doctor's opinion and more about alcoholism at my first a meeting and at the last one i went to at age 23 absolutely um you know i was recently at an AA service event and it was to talk to treatment professionals. And I was honored to be there. And there was someone else who was there. It took me about two minutes sitting on that panel to have a resentment, you know? They had brought this sheet of paper that they hand out to people. What to do, you don't know, when you get out of treatment. what to do to stay sober. You know, what not to do. Stay away from old friends. Don't go to bars. Stay away form crack houses. Stay away from prostitutes. Whole list of things, right? I'm not saying any of those are good or things you should do. But I just don't know what they have to do with the disease I suffer from. You know I asked the guy later on, do you have whatever you do, don't have a perfect day on there? Because I go to my big book and I love Fred and Jim's stories but I love the one story before he picks up a drink where he says, it was the end of a perfect day. Not a cloud on the horizon. So what are you going to do when people leave treatment? Whatever you do don't be perfect. Don't have an apple cart. That could upset the whole apple cart, you know? I don't understand that. You know, I read Bill's story on page 8 where it says alcohol was my master. I'm a person who read that a lot and seemed to never see that word master. I saw alcohol was inconvenient. Made my life inconvenient. Never master. See, I know that what separates me from everyone else is that I suffer from the physical compulsion tonight my drinking story is enough to say that I've never not had a second drink that's really all you need to know about me I've ever been able to take a first drink and not have a second I'm a blackout drinker, I'm an idiot when I drink I get violent, lots of things but really as far as this disease the only thing that's important is I've always been able I've only been able to stay away from a second drink my whole life I look at people I used to drink with. I see a lot of young people in here. You know, I see people I used to drank with. They seem to drink just like me, but you know what? I was different. And what I can tell you is if you're new tonight, there's no reason to not have a sponsor. And I'm not here to tell you I'm NOT going to definitely tell you how to work the steps because that would be a violation. I believe I have no business doing that. You can't work the steps in an AA meeting. You've got to do it in somebody's living room or in a Denny's or in Shoney's. You need to do It somewhere where you're sitting across from someone else and their big book is open, and they have the notes in their big books from when they went through the steps with their sponsor. To me, that's the only way I know. i'm not going to tell you how fast you should do them how slow you should do them but i do think the one thing that i have to be careful of is not having enough compassion for the newcomer i forget how broken people really are i forget how broken i was i look at first year anniversaries i look in mind when you celebrate your first year anniversary the one thing it will never you'll never be able to duplicate ever again in your entire sobriety the difference between day zero and your first year it is that drastic it is so drastically different even if I'm a big book thumper even if you've only done 1, 2, and 3 if you drink like I drink and you haven't drank for 365 days that one year compared to day zero is like night and day the problem with an alcoholic like me is it's hard year three looks a lot like year two year seven looks a Lot like year six see I have this internal forgetter it's kind of like in early sobriety not having a job and making no money and then you get a job for like five bucks an hour and then like three months later when they promised you a 90-day raise they only give you a quarter see i forget that just 90 days ago i was making zero and now i'm making 525 i'm focused on that quarter is not enough you know i have an instant forgetter it's just how it goes you know and i love the part in the book that tells me that i'm mentally and physically different from everyone else i love that i had a sponsor early on who taught me that. And taught me that whether I was in my fourth month of sobriety or my 14th year of sobRIETY, I'm mentally and physically different from my fellows. That's just how it goes. Even sober. I went on a business trip many months ago. Not too many, but a couple. I travel alone a lot. I have a lot of autonomy. me. I have a great career. Don't know how that happened. Yes, I do. God and AA. You know, I learned that showing up on time means more than how smart you are or how many degrees you have. That being there on time and not calling out sick all the time is important to people who you work for. I really thought that if I just was the best when I decided to show up but that would make up for not showing up all the time you know um but i was on this business trip with two other guys and um we got to this airport really late and the only car they had at hertz was a really fast one and i wasn't driving but we were pulling out and i've been in the city before and i knew we could take the highway the local roads and the guy driving to the local roads, and you know, I'm different than they are. You know, I said to the guy, why aren't you taking this on the highway and see what it can do? You know what he said? I don't want to get a speeding ticket. I don'T understand that, you know? I DON'T. Because a guy like me, a guy like me if I get pulled over and have a valid driver's license a valid registration A valid insurance card, to me that's like winning Powerball. That doesn't happen a lot, you know? It just doesn't happened a lot to a guy like me. So I know how different I am from them. I'm just, I have to accept that about myself. And what I've had to learn about AA and they taught me this early on, this time when I got sober is, you know, a lot of times, especially if you come to AA when you're 15, I spent a lot of my teenage years with guidance counselors, social workers, probation officer pre-sentence interview people, all people like that. What I learned about those people and what I first hated about AA was with those people, playing the poor little billy game really worked. And I'd find people, oh your parents had a horrible divorce Your dad's an alcoholic No wonder you have so many problems Once I registered that these idiots actually believe this I knew to bring it up See but in AA I heard things like Personal accountability Responsibility My part in it I hated that, you know? That was not what I was looking for. I just didn't... You know, I think about that and I think about what a guy said to me. He said, Billy, everywhere else teaches you to be hard on everyone else and easy on yourself. Welcome to AA. We ask you to be heart on yourself and easy one everyone else. I hated hearing that That sounded horrible to me You want me to give everybody in the world That screwed me over Including my family A break And you want me To be hard on myself I've had a hard life Up until age 23 I need a little sympathy And compassion here That's not what I was taking down You know I was told I needed a home group I was sold I was called I needed sobriety date I was cold I needed sponsor that without those three things you cannot stay sober. I was told I would hear certain things in meetings that I would not be able to find in the book and that it would be a good idea not to say them to my sponsor. Like, if he says, how's looking for the job going? And I can remember a day when I went to a lunchtime meeting early sobriety and I said, you know what? I've come to the conclusion that I just need to accept where I am right now. And he was like, what? He was like, where did you hear that? I said, well, I heard it at the lunchtime meeting. It's on page 449. You know, I need to accept where I am right now. And he was like you need to rip that page out of your book. He was like action is the answer to all your problems. He's like, who's ever telling you that? Never read page 450 and never read page 448 because both sides of that paragraph talk about once you accept where you are there's only one way out and that's right actions hated hearing things like that um you know i'm a big believer in the fellowship though i know that sometimes i'll hear people say i know you know I think it's so disrespectful you know when speakers say i know most of you or all of you are in a fellowship but maybe all of your not in the program how could i be that spiritually arrogant to say that um i know not working the steps didn't work for me i know somebody telling me just do a step a year didn't work for mcdonald's for me i know that in order for me to get in touch with god like the big book talks about what whatever god that is that i've gotten in touch with um i can't really do that unless i get rid of the stuff that's blocking me from the sunlight of the spirit you know and um i told you i spent a good portion of my first year in a correctional facility you know i just want to share this with you if you're doing your fourth step listen i walked into a meeting in orlando the other night right so i'm you know I'm like god i look like an idiot I'm stepping out of a black lincoln town car I'm you no I'm all dressed up you know unlike one of those people I used to make fun of and say they're definitely not an alcoholic. They just have some pathetic life with no friends and they come to AA, you know? That's what I sounded like 13 years ago. But I have to be honest with you. I walk into this Alano Club. Here are all these newcomers. It's a smoking meeting. I was like, I'm lighting up a cigar, getting a cup of coffee. And I see all these posters from conventions. And I'm not bragging here Because I don't want to brag. And I see my name up there on one of those posters, and I'm like, God, I just want to be a regular member of AA tonight, you know? I just wanna be a member, the highest level of office we have. Doesn't get any better than that. But I need to tell you that if you're holding back on your first four-step because you're afraid of it, let me rip your page out of my history. Take advantage of your first one. Embrace it. Wrap your arms around it. That last column of mine, we call my part, I like to call, sounded like a good idea at the time. That last column, that last column, my first one, there was a great thing about everything in that last column, which was most of the time I was drinking. I would like not to tell you, but I'd be a phony if I didn't want to tell you about my last inventory. At 14 years sober. Writing down stuff that I did completely sober. In fact, most of it in double digit time. With the same crappy patterns that someone's going to point out maybe the people have changed, the places have changed but they're the same patterns and unfortunately it hasn't changed from year 14 to year 1 there's only one way to deal with that stuff to do a 5th step, to do an 6th and 7th step to be willing to make the amends and to make them ends that I owe no one told me I'd have to make amends for stuff I did sober No one told me I'd have to make amends to people in AA. And no one told me I had to make Amends to People in AA who I think are working a worse program because they haven't made amends for me yet. I mean, no one really spelled that out for me 14 years ago. What I've learned is if I want to stay here, I don't have a choice. I want spend my last couple of minutes talking about a subject that I've really grabbed onto lately. I spoke at a young people's anniversary meeting for a group called Never Had a Legal Drink Not Too Long Ago in New York City. And as I was thinking a couple of weeks up to that talk, I was thinkin' about how great a life I've been given. How I've bein' in almost every state in the United States. how many crazy young people's conferences I drove to with like five bucks in my pocket 20 bucks between the six of us in the car maybe a driver's license and a half definitely not a debit card or even anything remotely like that I think about those good times and those road trips going to Metallica, Guns N' Roses, Sober going to my first Yankee stadium game and the right field bleach is sober. You can't take that away from me. This book tells me there's nothing I can't do. This book tell me there is no dream that's too large. If anyone is out there telling you stop dreaming, well, I'm going to tell you not to talk to them anymore truthfully. I'm not afraid to say it. I mean, I hear people say I spent all my years dreaming on a bar stool. Well, maybe. But my experience in AA is people's dreams come true here. If you work this program a day at a time. But my experience talking at that young people's meeting is, when I thought about all the people I've met, I've lost some people. I've loss some people who have died, OD'd, decided they weren't alcoholic, all kinds of things. But I really want to talk about what I find the hardest to look about at that. Is that I lost my mom and dad within one year sober four years ago. I've done some stupid things sober that have brought me horrible consequences. When I look at me and all the people I know, deaths, divorces, bankruptcies, loss of job, you know what? My experience is when those things are going on, we're all better members of AA. It's a lot easier for me to place my ass in a chair in a meeting when life is hard. When I look at why all those people have left, it's because of the success that AA has given them. It's because life gets so good and so great as a result of recovery that this crazy head of mine thinks, you know, my life is too busy and the first thing I better cut away, it better be the thing that got me this good life. I'm definitely doing too much of that That got me this You know I'm not going to cut out that nice gym I go to Not going to Cut Out playing golf I used to make fun of people for that Not going To Cut Out having tickets to the Yankees Not going TO Cut Out going on trips I'm Definitely not cutting out The every other Friday night which is going on right now Texas Hold'em game with the sober guys On the Jersey Shore Not cutting that out But I'll definitely cut out a meeting Or meeting somebody to work with or spending an hour with my sponsor, it's crazy that success takes more of us away from this than anything else. You know? I just want to end by saying that if you hate AA, you and me have a lot in common because I was one of those people who came here. I remember being in a room just like this at 16 or 17 years old. Somebody dim the lights, like three really old people in their 40s walked out of a door just like that. They had a big sheet cake with candles on it and they started singing happy birthday and I remember thinking to myself, this is exactly what I thought AA was and exactly why I want no part of it. I mean, I couldn't think of something worse in my life than being 40 years old and sitting in a church and singing happy birthday. I really couldn't. But what I've learned about that, and I'm going to end with this, is that in every part of the country you will find two meetings at the meeting after the meeting. I don't care if it's in a Denny's, a Shoney's, a Howard Johnson's, a Waffle House, wherever you go. There will be the cool table and the uncool table. And for a good part of my sobriety, when I couldn't stay sober, I sat at the cool table because I was too cool. You see, at the Cool Table, sponsor sounds a lot like teacher or cop. And reading the big book sounds a little bit like teacher. It sounds a whole lot like homework. And going to a meeting every day, well, you people told me this was a day at a time, but even the front of the 12 and 12 talks about a way of life. That sounded like not drinking for the rest of my life to me. See, the people over there at the uncool table who have sponsors, who read the big book, who are involved in a program of action laid out in the big book, and worse of all, their whole pathetic life is AA? That was definitely never going to happen to me, and what I've learned, and this is my experience, I only have two experiences in AA, 15-23 and 23 to 38. And what I can tell you is they look completely different. There is nothing remotely the same about them. What I will tell you about that so-called uncool table where they did everything, the only place I run into those people is at anniversary meetings. Getting another year of continuous sobriety. See, because at the uncool table where everyone has less than 60 days we also say time doesn't matter which I've learned is a real crock of you know what this is about continuous sobriety we do it a day at a time but if you drink like I drink I can't afford to go out for an hour, never mind a day I may not get back here we hear from everyone who gets back here and I welcome them here but we don't hear from 90% the people at the cool table where I sat the only place I've ever ran into them is like the probation office, the holding cell, the DWI jail. That's where I ran into them. I mean, I came here young. You read The Fourth Step in the big book? The first time I read The Fifth Step in a big book and they were talking about principles, I thought they were talking about Mr. Bright who suspended me in like ninth grade. I didn't know they were talking about Principles of Living. I mean I got here young but I've learned I needed to surrender my coolness I needed to join on the bandwagon of the winners in this program who are involved in a program of action if you're new I encourage you to find someone who's involved in the program of Action and stay close to them thanks So I ask for questions? Shoot. And I repeat it into the mic? Is that the deal? Okay. How long did you have sober before you got your first sponsee, and how did that go? How long Did I Stay Sober Before I Had My First Sponsee and How Did That Go? That's a great question. From 15 to 23, I never sponsored anyone. I spent a good part of my first year in the correctional facility and didn't sponsor anyone. And I think by year two, I had a couple of sponsees. You know, I'm not a big believer in this one-year mark. If you haven't gone through the spiritual process of the 12 steps, I'm confused as to how you could be sponsoring people. That's just what my teachers teach me. You know? I'm Not Sure How You Could Do That. I will tell you this, that sponsorship is hard. When I was four years sober, I heard a sponsee kill himself. I decided that I couldn't deal with anything like that anymore again and I had to have an old timer tell me that we can only carry the message, we can't carry the drunk it's just that simple but I would encourage anyone that gets through their amends and is starting to live in 10, 11, and 12 to be out there looking to sponsor people next question yes great why the last couple weeks i am getting sandbagged with the hardest things i got asked to speak two weeks ago to cover for somebody in california i was telling them on the way here and i showed up at the meeting and it was on a sexual inventory the fourth step and i was like are you kidding me i was like and they told me they taped it i'm like you know what's fair about that, you know? And now this question about my spirituality and my relationship with God, I will say this. I don't believe God will scare anyone out of AA. I believe that if talking about God scares someone out of AAA, alcohol and drugs will bring them right back in. That's my experience. Has my relationship with God changed? Very much so. Very much so. It's gone almost completely away from where I was raised, back to how I was raised, then somewhere in the middle. What I can say is this. The big book is quite clear. God is either everything or nothing. you can either accept spiritual help or you can blot out your entire life. I think one of the biggest decisions any alcoholic makes, and I know the shade says we admitted we were powerless over alcohol, and I can't redo the shades. If I was in charge for a day, I may. More about alcoholism says that we conceded to our innermost self that we were an alcoholic. And I really think when you look at those principles and those steps and you see the word God, we work with so many newcomers. How could you expect anyone to want to take a moral inventory if they're really not an alcoholic? It's like I've been taught that we don't spend enough time trying to find out, do you really suffer from this disease called alcoholism? because my experience with God is I wasn't really ready for a relationship with God until I really conceded to my innermost self that I was an alcoholic and realized that for a guy like me there's no other way out you know I heard a guy in the Bronx say it might not be the most eloquent thing ever said but he said if you have somewhere else to go you're probably not ready to be here and I've found that regarding AA to be very true next question yes not going to get a single break here am I what are my thoughts on working with people who continue to relapse and go out well number one there's a couple of things that you're never going to hear me say you're ever going to hear me say that I need to make myself first on my amends list. I cringe when I hear that said in a meeting. That selfishness and self-centeredness is my problem, but I'm going to make myself first on the amends lists. But when I hear that relapse is a part of the program, I don't know where I can rectify that in this book. I worry sometimes, truthfully, I am very compassionate for the newcomer, but I worry times that we give people a false sense of security that they have another return trip to AA guaranteed. Like I said before, I think God opens up a window. He did for me. I came through it. My experience with other new people is that when you shut that window, it doesn't always open back up. And that this really is about continuous sobriety. I will tell you this. the big book is clear that you might be wasting too much time with them when you can be helping others. I think my experience is some people are better at that than others. I'm not good at it. Let me answer by saying this. Everybody in AA can't be a great speaker. Everybody in AA isn't going to like being a GSR and everybody in AA can't been a great coffee maker but what I do know is everybody in AA has a gift and the only sin is really not to find out what that gift is and I've found all different kinds of sponsors there are some sponsors who maintain great long-term relationships they're just very good at that there are other sponsors who in that 15 minutes to and from a meeting work incredible miracles in that time there are other people in AA I've met who are not good long-term sponsors, but they are like mobile mash units. They are like the receivers of the train wrecks of all train wreacks, you know? And I know you probably know some of those people around here, you know, and I'm talking about the people that do that. They seem to be able to deal with the worst that God has to throw at us. And they seem to being able to patch up those people and get them into the program and then turn them over to somebody else. I'm not good at cutting people away. I don't know if that has anything to do with my bottom or my compassion. I would be a horrible Al-Anon. Most of us, I think, you know, we give alcoholics so much, you know. They come to a meeting, everyone says, oh, thank God you didn't drink, you And then you go home and they can't stand you. I mean, it's hard. But I think it's a very personal... There's a guy I don't want to say worship, but really respect. He would say, oh my God, I can't believe you're saying that. The big book says to get rid of him. I don'T know if I can say that. I'm a person who A, saved my life. And for eight years, I really didn't have a real serious thought about stopping drinking. But when, on January 5th of 1990, when I came back in, no one turned their back to me. No one said, oh, you're the kid that's been coming here for eight year, wouldn't listen to us, and now killed someone drinking and driving. So maybe that's just my experience. So that would be my answer. Yes? sure question was that i had talked about killing someone in a car accident could i talk about my amends and i guess he's referring to that accident um i will say this um when i was talking about my four step before obviously you can't be on the amend step without doing an inventory and the big book is clear that you might not even need a real list if you have your inventory what I have learned about my amends is this and this is why I encourage you to really do your first inventory I heard a speaker when I was in jail say on a tape that his first fourth step might not have looked like Mr. Brown with the perfect lines and the perfect columns but that it was the first time he ever looked at his part in anything and that he said up to that time that's the most important piece of work he's ever done to this date I believe the same about my first inventory. Now making amends for that accident you probably won't hear me talk about living amends because I really believe that's the 12 step practice in these principles in all my affairs. My book tells me to make amends to people I've harmed the person that I was involved in an accident with was just one year younger than me at the time I was 23, he was 22 I have made amends to his mother in person I wrote her a letter told her if she wished to initiate contact I would be receptive I wrote the same letter to her husband I've spoken with her at high schools and stages like this as the victim and as the offender to audiences. You know, I've been sentenced to so many hours of community service it's, you know, somebody said, you know how to keep an audience's attention? I'm like, well, by hour 500 with the next set of 12th graders who aren't listening to you you finally decide to yourself, you know this would be a lot more fun if I could find a way to get them to pay attention, you now. But the important part about that amends is the father wants nothing to do with me and remains on my A-step list. my experience with amends is that I do them because I have to do them not because they're supposed to make me feel better I do em because any person who's trying to live a reasonably God centered life who has done those things realizes they need to make amends what I have found out though is some of the ones I thought would be hard have turned out to be not that hard ones I've thought would really be a walk in the park and the other thing about the amends process I want to cover is I told you my mother died a couple years ago I think there does come a time when you might have to remake an amends and I'll tell you what I mean by that I made amends to my family in like my second and third year of sobriety siblings and parents my brother Terrence I physically abused most of our childhood severely physically abused and in sobriety while I was sober he announced to the family that he was gay and I've really tried to be a good guy to him and his brother but when I made amends to him, when my mother was dying she was in a hospice and she told me that I could sense that I actually threw him up against the wall because he treated the nurse really bad, I had to make amends again somebody told me a long time ago that there would always be one significant obstacle to my recovery, and that would be me. And unfortunately, I have not been able to prove that wrong. But what my mother told me was that when I made amends to my brother, see, in AA you do a 90 and 90 and we love you. You're the best. With family, when you've ripped their lives apart, a 90-90 don't mean jack, you know? It really doesn't. What my mom told me about my brother was, you know, when I was done reading my amends to him and I asked him if he had anything that I'd left out or wanted to say my mom told me that he was still so scared of me that he wasn't afraid of me. That he was afraid to say anything. And at 10 years sober I needed to sit down with him again and I needed say Tara, you now, I know that you were still scared of me 10 years ago or 7 years ago. I'm giving you the opportunity now. Well thank God I did it at night You know, if I did it in the morning, I would have been there for like 20 hours. You know? Good thing I said that at 7.30 p.m., you know? He ran out of steam at like somewhere around 1, you know. But I say that because I don't want to be so rigid that I never need to remake an amends because it's not about me. And I want to tell a quick one about my mom. My mom left some things out too when I found out from another family member. I'm one of those people, you know, you hear an AA that does nothing worse than a belly full of booze and a head full of AA. That's not my story. I'm a teenage chronic alcoholic. Does nothing worse than a belly full OFUZE and your mom's head full of Al-Anon. That's the worst combination possible. Absolutely possible. And they teach them things like no collect phone calls, lock the door at 12 at night, to open it up at 8 in the morning, that it's actually closed during that time. There's no such thing. I mean, lots of things my mother... But one thing she wouldn't tell me, and I want to give AA the biggest compliment that I've ever heard it given. Because my mother told me when I made amends to her again that there was a time in her life when she couldn't leave the house. She couldn't go into town because she was afraid that someone would ask her how her kids were doing. But that brought fear and terror to her. Oh, Kathleen's at Northeastern Law. Kevin's down at Georgetown. Terrence is at the University of Maryland and Billy's in Riverhead Correctional, you know? That brought total fear to her but she said the great thing about AA and she couldn't put her finger on it but that she crossed a line where she couldn't wait to go to town and someone would ask her about her kids, where she could not wait to report what AA had done for her son. Like there was a line there that was crossed. I needed to make amends to my mom. I never realized how hard it was that she was petrified to leave the house. I will tell you that I am a big believer that you cannot do amends without sponsorship guidance. You cannot. It's just really a very touchy and very important part of this process. It shouldn't be taken lightly and should be done with someone else who's done it. Next question? Yep. Thank you. I'm like, who paid this guy to come here tonight? So he said, all right, we're going to have the chief big book thumper of Tempe, Arizona to come tonight and ask me a question. I mean, I can only give my answer. I'm not repeating that question. The question, it was long, but it was basically that regard the tradition the short form, I'm going to say, of the tradition about the only requirement for AA membership and the suggestions I guess I have a couple of comments about that. Number one suggestion comes from the Latin word that means gentle command. So that's where it comes from. You know, number two I hate the short forma traditions. If I was AA chief of the day it would be the first thing I would do. I would be thrown out the window. It's caused us more trouble. We tried to be so accommodating and loving and sing kumbaya, and it's done nothing but get us in trouble. And I'm not ashamed to admit it. The long form of the tradition is quite clear. I don't need to open up the book. It says our fellowship is for all those who suffer from alcoholism. End of subject. I'm no anti-drug addict. I'm non-anti-bank robber. I just know what the tradition says. If you're alcoholic, it doesn't matter whatever else you are. it's really none of my business that's what it says as for the steps it's the only way laid out here it's if you read Dr. Bob's story it's only after he made his amends that he was able to stay sober if you reed Bill Wilson's story he went through a bunch of the steps in almost one day I'm not saying my experience is this certain AA may be midnight madness in New York City looks very different than the 79th Street Workshop. Midnight madness looks like a cross between a detox and a bar and the 79st Street Workshop, although I love it, looks like the Upper East Side Marjan Society. They're both alcoholic there. My experience is when people are very broken, their head has to clear. But I also know that I meet a lot of repeat AA members who have tried. When I read how it works, rarely have we seen a person fail if they're only following our path. I mean, rarely Have I seen a Person Fail Who's Done Steps 4 through 9. That's the truth in my experience. it also doesn't say rarely have we seen a person fail who has memorized the big book it's not about memorizing the big book, it's about doing the spiritual program of action I don't know other way, I know the other way from 15 to 23, that way doesn't work I love the fellowship at AA, I love hanging out with people in AA, playing cards, going to conferences, concerts, Yankee games I love my life. It's a great side benefit of the spiritual program of action, and I know that. So if you wanted to get me to say that, I said it. I'm not ashamed of it, and i'm not putting anyone else down, but my experience with real alcoholics is the spiritual programming of action laid out in the first 164 pages is the only way. Next question? Yes. so I am glad you asked that question I'm going to tell a real story Not one I wish I was telling. I have a good buddy who is 12 years sober, got sober in his late teens. Two years ago told some of us that he decided that he wasn't alcoholic anymore, that it was just a phase. Last summer he woke up with the police department waking him up with a search warrant saying that he committed a violent crime with a woman he didn't have any memory of the night before two weeks ago Monday he was sentenced to state prison he barely has 90 days together 12 years ago or 14 years ago he was waitering going to school, living in his mother's house All through sobriety He got his life back Great friends Finished college Six months ago He was waitering Living in his mother's house I know how bad this disease is I also know this If you're not an alcoholic I'm not a person who believes And maybe it sounds I know it's a little Shocking but I'm not a person who believes that everyone who shows up here is an alcoholic. I know some people like to say that, but I know it's not true because I've met people who've came to AA who are an alcoholic, who have some other problem. If you have a couple of years here, though, my experience is you better think about that long and hard. You better decide really if you are an alcoholic. You better go through the big book, the first 164 pages, with a sponsor who's gone through the Big Book and realize that a lot of this has a lot little to do with how you drank and a lot more to do with whether you suffer from this disease of alcoholism so I mean it's a very dangerous situation and you know I just want to say this people talk about well there's no difference between an alcoholic who's young and an alcoholic whose old I'm going to tell you the difference it has nothing to do with the disease I have the same disease here's what I find I believe that someone who's older than me probably has wisdom whether they're less sober than me or not. Here's the dangerous part if you get sober young. Most of the alcoholics that I meet who got sober in their 40s, 50s, or 60s they've already had jobs. They've already had houses. They're already had a job. They've always already had expense accounts. They already know that having all of that they lost everything. I never had any of that. I was homeless. I never had an expense account like I have now. I mean, I have a budget for drinking and it's sad, I think, that I can't even take advantage of it, you know? I think it's satir that the people I work with who do don't know how to drink, you Know? It drives me crazy, you Now? I will say this, though, about being an alcoholic. I travel a lot for work. I go out to dinner an awful lot. Probably a couple times a month I'm at a table with eight or ten people. And I'd say about every other month I am in a seafood restaurant. I don't know why that is. It just is. I never knew a lot of people allergic to shellfish. Probably because I'm never one to care what anyone else has to say unless it's about me or going to benefit me, you know? Most of my life I never cared what anyone else had to say. But now I've learned enough that at least I really try to listen to people and I've learn to really make it look like I'm listening to them. So I know now that there's a good percentage of the world that is allergic to shellfish. And what's amazing is every time I'm in a seafood restaurant with a group of people and someone says I can't have lobsters or crabs, I'm allergic to shellfish I've never heard anyone at that table look at that person and say oh you must have had a horrible childhood never heard them say that if someone notices I'm not drinking and I were to say oh I don't drink, I'm allergic to alcohol I came to AA when I was 23 years old they hear that and they'd be like oh you most have had a horrible child oh you came to AAA when you were 15 and 23 it has nothing to do with it And I think getting young, when you've never had things and you start getting them, I mean, I have a company car. They pay my car insurance. I think that's crazy. I mean based on my old record. So I think we keep getting these things as a young person that we never had before and we work with people and we start to think, hey, I'm just like John. I'm Just Like Brian. I'm just like Susan they have all these things I have all these things I must have just been going through a phase my book doesn't talk about denial it talks about delusion and if I want to call my years of 15 to 23 a phase I am completely delusional so that's what I have to say about that question any other questions all the way in the back yes without a doubt I'm not saying it's an end all I'm saying your four step list I don't come from the school where you burn it or throw it out ok one more question yes wow it's like jeopardy Brand newcomer? Okay. Wake up in the morning and ask God for help. Read two pages of literature. Go to a meeting that day, talk to another alcoholic when you go to that bed at night, even if you don't believe in God, act as if and thank him. Join a group, get a sponsor, and get active. That's my answer. Thank you.