Resentment and Spiritual Sickness – H. and Joe H. – Prescott Big Book Study – Part 3 of 8 – Mark H. and Joe H. – Mark Houston and Joe Hawk

of how you're going to look at this resentment. This is my course. I realize that the people, what I wrote in column one, who wronged me, column two, were perhaps spiritually sick. Though I did not like their symptoms and the way they disturbed me, they, like me, are sick too. And I start to get introduced to an idea here. Here's the idea. Is it possible, Mark, that these people did not wake up one day and intentionally decide to pursue a course of action to hurt you? Is that possible, Mark? Is it possible, Mark, that the extent to which you are asleep dreaming you're awake or spiritually sick is the extent to which you will harm others? Is that possible, Mark? It's trying to introduce me to some things. It's trying to introduce me to something else. Mark, you're sitting in judgment on someone who's spiritually sick. So are you. you actually believe someone could have act different i want to go back to this issue of choice and how it ties into inventory i have never in my lifetime made a conscious choice to harm another human being and they haven't done that with me either and if you're sitting here thinking people in your life have made conscious choices to harm you you've missed the intent of what this is trying to tell you and it is impossible to get taken to a state of forgiveness, love, and compassion. When I understood there's nothing but oneness and if I harm you, I harm me, I really understood what the book said. Anyone who would pursue a course of action to create any harm to another human being is doing so because they're spiritually sick. This is very much being played out in our lives right now. What is taking place is not based on people who are spiritually well. They are spiritually sick They have no concept that there's nothing but oneness. And if I harm you, I harm me. So it goes on to say, here's what I'm going to do. I'm gonna ask God to help me show these people the same tolerance, pity and patience I would cheerfully grant a sick friend. That's a powerful, powerful instruction. Take all these people you're resentful at and imagine they're laying in a bed dying of cancer or some horrible disease. What would you do then? Let's say they said something or did something with a body wracked with cancer, right? Would you be forgiving? Would you have compassion? Would you take it personal? No, you wouldn't, just like me. When a person offends, I say to myself, this is a sick man or a sick woman. How can I be helpful to him or her? God, you saved me from being angry that I will be done and I need to avoid retaliation or argument. Why? Because I would not treat sick people that way. We get angry at sick people. And ourselves. Heard a statement one time, you said to me what I said to me, I'd have to kill you. See, I have to stop doing that with myself as well. Goes on to say, referring to my list again, and this is the fourth column, putting out of my mind the wrongs others have done, I'm going to look for my own mistakes. Mistakes. The extent to which you are spiritually asleep is the extent to which your mind will continue to make more and more mistakes. My experience has been what the big book said. Over the years, I have made spiritual progress, not perfection, progress. I make less mistakes every year that I am sober. Every year that i submit to God to this way of life, I make fewer mistakes. I make more mistakes. There are less amends. I put out less harm. I am more loving. I'm more kind. I have more compassion with myself and with you. Where have I been selfish, dishonest, self-seeking, and frightened? Though a situation is not my fault, I'm going to disregard the other person involved entirely, and that does mean entirely. That does mean entirely. I want to tie back to something. The greater your need, go back to the name that you wrote in column one and column two, the greater your needs for that person or institution to fulfill that need is the extent to which you cannot do this. The greater your attachment is the extend to which cannot do it. Where am I to blame? the inventory is mine, not the other man's. When I saw my faults, I listed them before me in black and white. I admit my wrongs honestly, and I'm willing to set these matters straight. I'll let Joe talk a little bit about resentment inventory. I have a great story about resentment. A guy's been sober 30 years and in those 30 years he's become a hunter. And his whole life he's had a dream about this one certain rifle 50 years old 30 years sober his wife gives him this rifle it's like a dream come true of course being a good alcoholic he's going to go all the way to Alaska and he's going to shoot a bear goes to Alaska first bear he sees boom blows it away there's a tap on his shoulder it's a bigger bear this big bear says this is also a story about whether to die an alcoholic death or live on a spiritual basis are not always easy alternatives to face. Bigger bear taps him on the shoulder and goes, sorry that was my cousin you just killed. You have two choices. I maul you to death or I have my way with you. He thinks about it for a minute. It's not an easy alternative but he lets the bear have his way with him. It gets a little painful. He goes home. It takes about a week to recover and now the resentment is deep. He's re-feeling it and re-feeling it and re feeling it now he's got to go back and find that specific bear goes back finds that bear boom there's a tap on the shoulder there's bigger bear the bear says you have two choices I maul you to death or I have my way with you really rough he thinks about it for a minute it's not an easy alternative face he lets the bear have his way is really painful he goes home it takes him a month to recover and now the resentment is festering he's gotta go back can find that bear. Then it's the next bear, then it's the next bear. About the fifth time he's up there and he now has to find the biggest white polar bear you can imagine. Finds him, boom. Now there's the hugest bear you can possibly imagine. Taps him on the shoulder and says, that was my brother you just killed and we've been watching you for a while and we realize you're obviously not here for the hunting, are you? I have another story about how we make fun of people with the same thing we have. It's a story about a strong mother, strong, assertive mother, with a perfect child, of course. And of course her child is a little more perfect than any other child. He has a small speech impediment but no one will admit it because he's perfect. She puts him out on the street, catch the bus. The bus pulls up. The door opens. The boy goes, uh, uh. The bus driver slams the door and drives off. Next day she puts him out there on the corner. The boss pulls up, the boy goes uh, slams, the door drives off this time he tells his mother his mother is like enraged nobody's going to treat my son like that blah blah blah puts him out a corner in the next morning and hides in the bushes. The Bus pulls up the door opens the boy goes uh uh driver gives him the finger slams the door mother jumps out of the bushes opens the door says you're not going to treat my son that way he he's and he's due he has a right to his education what do you think you're doing bus driver steps off the bus and goes uh he was teasing me that's what we do in Alcoholics Anonymous huh I got a poem here it's called becoming someone blocked by confusion I forge a destiny through impulsive acts self-consciously I enter situations where personality unfolds and world impacts on a sensitive soul personality creates self-consciousness just as attention the eye and the colorful shape trigger vision Impact is the meeting of self-consciousness, senses and the world. It leads to experience I crave to have and I crave to avoid. Craving makes me cling in senses, opinions, rules and different selves. Clinging is to insist on being someone. Not to cling is to be free, to be no one. To be someone is to be conscious, impulsive, thinking, feeling, which is born ages and dies suffers torment grief and pain depression and anxiety anguish emerges when someone is born impulsive acts are the root of life fools are impulsive the wise see things as they are when confusion stops through insight impulsive act cease stop this and that will not happen anguish will end a lot of people who've been around for a while get to a new resentment inventory and they don't find any resentments because you and I frankly don't live with a lot of deep-seated resentment anymore. I was encouraged if we're looking for the things within ourself which are blocking us from others, from God and myself, no separation just like Mark said. I'm going in there to discover that stuff that is currently blocking me. It will be a manifestation of the current unmanageability the current self-will the current agnosticism so try this. Work with other words other than resentful at. Who's let you down? Who's discouraged you? Who are you jealous of? Because we live with more subtle forms of things, not less dangerous but less abrasive, less coarse, more subtle form of things that are blocking us. Ask God to reveal to you the things within yourself which are blocking you. I like to do the way Mark said where I work on my first column until the first column is done. When do you know the list is done? When you know the list has been written. The list is down. I think this last time going through with Mark, I had 35 in the first colon. People, institutions, and principles. And that was basically looking back at a two-year period. Sometimes people in the program, when they hear that you're in inventory again, they think things like, what are you doing? Writing the same inventory you wrote 20 years ago? No. I've been awakened through the first three steps to stuff that I've missed in the last period of time since I finished amends that I was asleep to in 10, 11, and 12. That's still there. It's still festering. It's being refelt. It's stuck. It might be discouragement. It might mean I've been let down. It might say I've hurt. I'm jealous. Blah, blah, blah. I just ask God to show me the things within myself which are blocking me from others, myself, and Him as one. I work on the list until I know it's done. Then, like Mark said, let's say for the first person on my list, I have four things. Four resentments, four whatever. A, B, C, D. I like to do one resentment per page. One page for every second column. So for Charlie, if I have A, B, C, D, that's going to be four pages of inventory. Because what my ego would like to do, and I'm sure those of you that work with others have seen before, the ego would want to do is it would like us to smush it all together. Put about ten second columns and try to squeeze in ten third columns and this much space for the fourth column. Don't be afraid of paper. Don't be afraid OF paper. There's plenty OF paper! One resentment for each page. One page for every second column. So I work on the second column until it's done. This is on another notebook. Then I finally have the first and second column done, I take the first one off the list, and I number it, and I put the name, and I write it down. And I put in the first resentment, A. If I have four more, I'm going to make four more pages. And then I put which of those seven areas were hurt, threatened, or interfered with. When she left me, see, and I think that's the truth, I still think in that state of consciousness that she left me. It's the truth. It is the truth that I would rather die than have to face that it maybe isn't the truth so I put her name in the first column that she let me in the second column and then I ask myself when she left did it affect my self-esteem how I feel about me? Yes, self-esteem. Did it hurt what others see or feel about be? Yes, pride. Did it her what I want? Yes, ambition. Did it heard what I need to be okay? Yes, security. What about our personal relation and other personal relations of people that saw that. Yes, personal relations. Sex relations, yes. Pocket books, maybe, yes Then, people that have encouraged us and remember, those of you that do the work don't look down on things that are revealed to people doing the work that aren't necessarily word for word in the book Remember, our founders ended this 164 pages with a statement They'd only been doing it 4 or 5 years What, Bill got sober in 34? 35? Someone? Four years later, the book's published. When the book came out, which hasn't been changed, nobody had more than five years. And they said, more would be revealed. God will constantly disclose more to you and to us. So, some of our heroes, when they got to that line that Mark read, you see, because it's on the page where the first three-column example is, they knew that the fourth column was like a page and a half away but it still said when we were finished we considered it carefully and they started to ask when she left me why did it affect my self-esteem because i'm no good because of low self-esteem sorry that's usually a lie it's because i have a little bit too much self-steem people are just starting to talk about in america high self-esteem and the damage it does to children you know at home they're told you're a perfect angel wonderful child of the universe and then they meet someone in the world that says that they're not and they like blow everybody away in the school right high self esteem is sometimes my problem because see i didn't stay resentful because when she left me i'm no good and i didn'T deserve her if that was the truth at the core of my being i'd sit there like somebody with no self-esteem. Well, I don't deserve you anyway, honey, as she's walking out the door. But I'm still angry. Why? Because there's a part of me that believes I'm above anybody leaving me. I'm a perfect boyfriend. Self-esteem, I am. This is not about thoughts and beliefs. This Is about what your ego tells you you are. Now, don't think you're discovering the truth in the third column. These are the lies that your ego tries to tell you are true. Your first inventory, if it's a big one, just put the words or do what your sponsor says. But if you've been around and you get it, ask why was your self-esteem? And usually when you think it was slow self-esteem, it was high self- esteem. And usually when you thinking it was low self-estime, you're just fooling yourself. That's why you stayed angry. If you were in the truth, you wouldn't have stayed angry What about ambition? When she left, did it affect what I wanted? Yeah, I wanted her to stay no matter what I did. That's what I wanted. Security, this is always life and death for the ego. I need her to stay to exist, to be okay. You know like most of those R&B songs that are really codependent songs, I'm nothing without you, right? My world is empty without you babe, right. You complete me. You are my everything, right, we make people into God and got into people, all right? What about, that's my security. What about personal relations? No friend should leave me and no friend should ever see me, me who? Mr. AA, perfect boyfriend. No one should see me being left. Sex relations, these are my beliefs about men and women and how they interact. Women don't leave men. Men leave women. Boom. Pocketbook, no one leaving me should interfere with my money. I think it's mine. I actually think it is mine. And that is insanity with unfinished amends because you are spending their money. It is their money, not my money it is a gift in the first place. I turn the pay and then I do the third column on everybody. I think one of the best descriptions that Mark and I have ever heard of how people die with those beliefs and I wish we had time today, I don't think we do to do what Mark likes to do with the theater the lie, but the best picture I've ever seen of that is a man who after many years and did very little work became a speaker. Went to the doctor one day, doctor said you have a problem with your appendix, you better be at the hospital tomorrow at 5 o'clock, we'll do whatever it's called, appendix. The guy couldn't, he just couldn't get to the hospital. Why? Because he's a speaker and you never say no to an AA request. That belief destroys more families and loved ones and children and wives and vice versa in the program of Alcoholics Anonymous than any belief. It precludes intuition, prayer, God. He couldn't go to the hospital because he's a speaker now. He went and spoke, boom, his appendix burst, he's in the hospital dying of peritonitis. And I think back then there was nothing they could do if your appendix burst. You're just going to die of this poison in your body. And our friend Frank went to visit him every day. And he said he watched this man go through the inventory process right in front of him. One day he would say, you know I wasn't the greatest father in the world but you know i wasn't the worst and he could feel another one of those personalities die. He said, you know I was the greatest Father in the World but I wasn´t the worst. And he would feel another 1 die and he said day after day took him 17 days to die when he was lucid he would come to the realization that we get to do right here in inventory. Because see, it's not about low self-esteem or high self-esteem. It's about healthy self-steem. You know, I'm not the greatest boyfriend in the world. I'm also not a piece of crap. I'm a guy with 21 years of sobriety trying to do the best he can who makes mistakes. I'm human. You face your humanness in the insanity of your beliefs in the third column, whether they're high or low. You know if they're high or low, the ego wins either way? The ego loves it if it has you the worst or the best. It can't stand just one of the guys. Average. An average guy doing an average job trying to do the best he can. The ego hates that. I do the third column on everybody, I turn the page, and I start to look for the truth because all of it's a lie. I'd like to share one more thing with you that I do with the fourth column now. I never got the check thing because my sponsor told me that the big book says, where was I selfish? Not, were you selfish? Check. Were you dishonest? Because here's how I'm going to share with you how important the fourth column is. Five steps come from the fourth column. The truth in inventory, exact nature of your defects, the truth in six, seven, the truth you need for eight, and the truth that you need to go to somebody to make amends. Five steps come from a clear fourth column. Steps five, six, seven, eight, and nine. My book says where was I selfish? I write. I was selfish when I did this and this and didn't do this. Three kinds of dishonesty. There are three kinds of dishonesty. Outright lies, lies of omission. What's more dishonest? Lying to her about it or not telling her at all? One is not more than the other. And then there's self-delusion which I've seen all through the third column. Where was I selfish? Where was myself seeking? Where was i dishonest and where was it rooted in fear? Now what I do is let's say with this resentment, she left me and all these things were affected because of these beliefs. And this is what I did or didn't do. This is where I was afraid. I stay in the fourth column until I can rewrite the first two columns. And I stay In the fourth comment till I have a realization like this. Holy moly, she didn't leave me. I drove her away with selfishness, dishonesty, self seeking and fear. And I put myself for driving her away at the bottom I do that on every resentment and then I take those and I write four columns on those and they're either toward me or God. And, I don't know why I saw it more today when Mark read it but I really saw that line and then we're sore at ourselves. And,I believe this resentment is anger towards self held onto focused on somebody else when it's really a resentment toward yourself. I just had an inventory with 35 in the first column. I did the first and second column again at the bottom of every fourth column, and there was about 10 toward myself, and there were about five toward God. I took those and I wrote four columns on those, and Mark said, you didn't even need to read the rest of those 35 pages. That'll help you with amends, but those last four or five pages was the inventory. Have you ever written inventory about a resentment toward God? Yourself? Have you every made amends to yourself or God? Now we can't hurt God, but we can certainly do a lot to hurt that relationship. And that whole inventory came down to resentments and delusion and disappointment and having let myself down and it was all toward me and God. and then I write a fear inventory. I find my fears in my fourth column. I like to write four-column inventory. I like the idea of I like it to write four-volume fear inventory but if you start with a big list of fears you should break them down by asking why am I really afraid of that? Because it's painful. Why am I afraid of death? Because I'll die. Why am i afraid of dead? Because I live. Why am afraid of the dead? Because I won't drink and you end up with about ten negative fears and ten positive fears. Negative fears drink, die, alone, abandoned, in pain. Positive fears, alive, not drinking, with power. See, I believe most of us in this room are much more afraid of having power than we are remaining powerless and irresponsible. Nelson Mandela wrote a wonderful poem, I wish I had it, about how we're more afraid the light than we were the darkness. We're more afraid truth than we are remaining irresponsible and powerless. And it's sad to me because of the awakening that I've had that many, many, many people with long-term sobriety still think that they're powerless over alcohol and that their life is unmanageable. What kind of message is that for a new person? My truth is something has come between me and alcohol and I'm not drunk. The power of God has come into my life and I have a manageable life. I can use proper use of the will. I can make decisions along these lines. I'm living the way I want to live and if you're not where's the promise of Alcoholics Anonymous? If the problem is powerlessness with no choice but to drink in an unmanageable life internally as it's manifested externally, then shouldn't the solution be there's something between you and alcohol and you have the power in your life to manage your life? You make mistakes. It talks about that. So I do four columns on fear. I see that there's usually only two. And whatever you come down to, those two fears will be summed up by this. Here we are again. Whether to die an alcoholic death or to live on a spiritual basis are not always easy alternatives to face because I'm afraid of dying and I'm afraid of living and I am afraid of not having power and I'am afraid of having power. And there they are, boom. And then I take a list of relationships. The sex inventory isn't necessarily about sex. Mark says it's about the opposite sex, not in some cases, right? Sometimes it's abut the same sex. it's about sex that's jumbled up nowadays men with men men and men with girl men this and that i look at the relationships god reveals to me to make in that list and i put myself and i put god i remember this woman in denver that said have you ever answered the nine questions from the sex inventory about your relationship with god and it was amazing what i do that's inconsiderate and selfish arouses jealousy, suspicion and bitterness in me and because I'd had a period of time where I'd chosen to be celibate there was only one person in my life that I have a relationship based on my sane and sound ideal from the last piece of work and that is that I am to remain celibat until I'm with somebody where there's that kind of a commitment and she was there and i answered those nine questions but i think some of us sometimes those of us that do the work we forget the importance of the ideal the book says it's a chosen ideal ask god to mold it it's between you and god advice from other people is good but we let god be the final judge just like they say with everything even amends place the outcome in god's hands i have a sane and sound ideal that I live up to today, because the power is there. It tells me what will happen if I make mistakes. I'll be forgiven. But if my conduct continues to harm others, and I don't see that with just sexual behavior, because I don'T see sexual behavior separate from myself, God, or you, from any other kind of behavior that's selfish, dishonest, self-seeking, rooted in fear. I have a sex ideal that's grounded in reality. Tells me what to do if my conduct continues to hurt others many many many people that do the work that come out the other side of amends have a delusion which is a first step reservation that they can keep doing that kind of behavior and not pay a price it kills us kills us God's going to make that possible and I write my ideal and from time to time the people in my life that I've given consent ask me is that within your sane and sound ideal? And then I take this to someone and I read it. I usually do more than one fifth step. Remember, even in the short form of step four it uses the word once again that we've been focusing on this weekend fearless and searching. I believe if you took ten people, put them each in a different room, locked the door, and told them each something different about inventory, that's probably about the experience they would have. Tell this person it's going to be a horrible experience. That's probably what they'll have. Tell them that discovering the truth is going to set you free. That's Probably the Experience They're Going to Have. You're Really Going to Enjoy This Inventory. That's Probably the ExperienceThey're Going To Have. If you find yourself in the fourth column, beating yourself up, go back to the statement, our troubles of our own making and find the positive side to the statement until you can go back into the fourth column. For example, let's say I'm writing the fourth column about her leaving me and it just feels like I'm not doing anything productive. I'm just beating myself up. I go back to that statement and I sit with it until I can come back to the inventory and say this Thank God my troubles were of my making because if they were of her making she's either got a change, see the light or come back for me to get free, and they don't have to. My dad's been dead since I was 21, but he still owned me when I was 30. How am I going to get free if he's dead? A lot of people said I couldn't make amends to someone who was dead. Not true. A lot OF people said that I couldn t get free with someone who was dead. Thank God my troubles in that relationship were of my own making, decisions I made based on self which placed me in a position to be hurt. It was funny, I was in New York doing a small retreat in december you can imagine some of these tough new york guys so i said uh how many people in the room believe in karma and these guys are like you know what's one of those new age ideas right a couple hands went up i said how many of you believe what goes around comes around they believe that right it's the same thing my books i believe the book of alcohol big book of alcoholics anonymous believes in karma one of the greatest statements that describes karma that I've ever heard is we made, at some time in the past, we made decisions based on self which later placed us in a position to be hurt. Where every one of them was toward myself or God. What about a couple questions about inventory that maybe are common among us or any confusion about the mechanics of inventory or anything at all someone is confused about? Yes, sir. I couldn't hear you. Can you come up and maybe do it in the microphone so they have it on tape maybe? I think that microphone is on right there. I can pull it out of there if you want. Hi everybody, I'm Dale Alcoholic. I just wanted to add that after doing several inventories I came to the conclusion that where it talks about where we turn back the list again in step four, on the fourth column. It says where have we been selfish, dishonest, self-seeking and frightened? And I did identify each of those in every instance and then I went to a fifth column and wrote down what did I do what was my part and that really helped me making the correlation between that I was selfish and that the action that was attached to my instinct it's a great point and the guy that does the workbook from our group in Santa Monica he also has you do similar to what he said where did I set the ball rolling and where have I done that very same thing to somebody else and of course if harm comes to you that was caused to that person or sometimes you're writing about one person and before you're done with that resentment three or four other names that you've done the same stuff with you could make notes about other people you could take notes about harm remember in the fourth column you're just looking for the truth you're looking forthe truth about what did you do based on that selfishness dishonesty self-seeking and fear where did you start the ball rolling yeah but it's an amazing thing to find out the first three columns are all alive I'll try to describe and then Mark can add to it because he's the one that's really good at theory of the lie but imagine a circle right here with 30 people and you got a blackboard and you have someone give a resentment and it's a guy and he says, she left me. He brings him and he puts him inside the circle kind of at that edge and then he gets a girl to represent the one who left him. Put her inside the cycle and she's the one that left him Now he writes She left me and you start to ask this guy Who did she leave? What do you mean, who did she live? Who did he leave? Well, she let me No, no, me who? And they don't get it. Me who? They don't get it and then all of a sudden they'll get a little angry and they'll say, well you know I do have a reputation in Alcoholics Anonymous and it didn't look good when she left so you bring up Mr. AA and you stand him next to her. And then there's going to be Rambo and there's gonna be Romeo and there is going to be the businessman, there's gonna be the unworthy son, there is gonna be Mr. AA and he's got all these personalities standing around this guy. Then he does the same thing with her. Who left him? She doesn't get it who do you mean who who me who well you know I am a businesswoman in the 90s and I have a five-year agenda and that and he brings up the businesswoman and Juliet and the sex goddess and the unworthy daughter and the mother and the sister the daughter and he got all these personalities standing around her and he goes now I'm going to show you why you're having trouble with personal relations and he keeps reminding you remember this is when you're not at one he's mad because she left and she's mad for whatever reason she left neither of them are dealing with the truth. But the reason they're having trouble with personal relations, they're not at one as all these personalities have arisen. And one morning, the sex goddess wakes up to the businessman. He's got a nine o'clock appointment. She wants to make love and boom, they are like this. Vice versa, the next day, Romeo wakes upto the businesswoman. They are like this. And the only time you have a good day when you're not at once is when the right two personalities wake up at the same time. Then he goes further. I'll show you another reason why you're having trouble and he asks each of the personalities how they felt when she left. How did Rambo feel? I wanted to kill her. How Did Mr. AA feel? Live and let live, right? How did the unworthy son feel? Don't deserve it anyway. Every one of those personalities has a different belief and a different feeling about how what when she Left. Same with her. He said there's another reason you're having trouble with personal relations. Then he says so now you start to discover some truth man I wasn't the greatest boyfriend in the world this personality dies man I'm not the greatest lover in the word I'm selfish that's this one does you admit truth these personalities are smashed he said during that period of admission like fourth column fifth step you have to be very careful that the ego doesn't start to say wow look at what I've been so now I'll just and he showed how all the personalities would do is get up and change seats. The passive guy goes for a class in assertiveness training, right? The businessman goes to a class on how to be more sensitive lover. And he graphically showed us how if you start to play the so now I'll game, recreating yourself in a new image, not only do you end up with a whole new third column, all the personality's do is getupandchangeseats. The whore becomes a nun. The nun becomes a whore. The passive guide needs to be a little more aggressive. Be careful when discovering truth that you don't start to create yourself, let God do that as he would have you the good and the bad, give him it all. You can have some fun with that is look at your own life and you can identify six to eight major roles that your ego has perpetuated that you think define who you are. I recently did work some work with a woman in Houston, Texas who in one week had five of those stripped from her. She called me going insane, saying, Who am I? And what happened was her husband left, so the wife was fighting for her existence. Her son was gone, so the mother's fighting for their existence. They were going to have to sell the house because he wanted the divorce, so the homeowner was fighting for her life. For her existence, they had been Mr. and Mrs. A.A. down in that neck of the woods, and now they were separated, and so that was gone and she literally didn't have a clue who she was and I said to her what an incredible wonderful experience you get to have because that is not what she wanted to hear she said what are you talking about and I says because you become attached to all of them and then depending on over the next couple months when I did some work with her I could always tell which one of them was calling me sometimes the wife would call very angry sometimes the spiritual woman would call and of course she understood and she was kind loving and forgiving sometimes a homeowner would call and she was angry because she'd put a lot of time and effort work in this home and ceremoniously one day i told her go out in the back yard i want you to dig five graves i wantyou to bury those that's not who you are i live in a world of impermanence and i'm in the world to play the role that god has assigned do not attach to the role that's freedom see you're in a one-act play and every day it shifts and changes and you don't get to decide your role. That already gets decided. You just get to play the role for a day, but don't attach to it. That's when you get to go through life being a free man or free woman. That's why they say in connection to the fear inventory, remove my fear and direct my attention to what you would have me be. We always think we're going to have to do something about all this stuff. Like they say, relax and take it easy after you've discovered something that crops up. We always think we're the ones that have to do something, deal with it, cope with it work on it, figure it out, fix it. I've seen through fear. Now does that mean I don't ever have any fears? No. Los Angeles right now has been for me an experience where the whole energy in the entire city is just riddled with fear. Do I have to be dominated by that? No. Can I move into faith at any moment? Yes. Is it a scary time in our history of this planet? Yes. But we don't, I used to admire Michael Moore, this guy that got in trouble at the Academy Awards and he's got a pretty good book called Stupid White Men. And I saw him on Oprah the other day and I saw through the delusion that he's trying to sell. Because he's not just a white man, he's also got some pretty good ideas but he's saying people shouldn't be afraid of this and this and this and they're afraid of the wrong things. They should be afraid of this and this and this and I thought you're doing the same thing that you're blaming the people that are programming us to be afraid or doing. You're just saying it should have another name and you're not telling people how to get free of fear. The way to see through fear when you discover one is to ask yourself, ask God to show you what is the idea behind this fear rooted in self-reliance that I can do something about this fear without God and the fear can disappear. How many times have you heard in this program fear and faith can't exist in the same place? What a trick that one is. Fear and faith better be in the same place when I really need it is when I'm afraid. God is there. I think sometimes negative emotions are not only negative, they're really helpful and we have a bad attitude about them in AA. You know sometimes for new people fear gets a bad rap when it's actually a reflection of your becoming human? My God, you haven't been afraid of anything in years and all of a sudden you're six months sober and you're able to say, I'm afraid could that possibly be a reflection that you care fear and shame get a bad name in LA and they tell newcomers you shouldn't be afraid or or ashamed my god if you've lived anything like any of us have lived and you're not ashamed or afraid they have places for people like that that's so it's called a sociopath no conscience I saw this movie with Deborah Ringer and Anthony Hopkins and she's dying of cancer and he's just riddled with pain and she pulled him out of it by one simple thing she said to him don't you see that your pain is a reflection of how much you love me and it's just the other side of the love that you have for me next time somebody gets really angry at you and you have the nerve to do this and they get in your face and they're really angry look at them and say wow you must be really afraid you'll either get your ass kicked or they'll get free but one way or the other because we all know and that's the easy one to see it's so easy to see in your first resentment inventory that underneath every resentment you're really afraid wow I thought I was a tough guy in the penitentiary I was scared kid but here's the tricky one if if resentment is a mask to hide fear. What is fear a mask to hide? Fear is a mask to hide agnosticism and self-reliance. It's the hardest one to see through, and our book says it. It should be classed with stealing. Didn't we ourselves set the ball rolling? And fear is because self-reliance fails. Fear is always rooted in self- reliance. I'm going to talk about the fear inventory in a minute. The extent to which I was attached to those roles is the extent to Which Fear Drove My Life. Fear is the driving force behind virtually every amend that I've ever made. Fear leads to this sense of separation I have from you, my true self, and God. So I want to talk about this page 67 of the big book talks about that fears about five lines up from the bottom fear somehow touches every aspect of my life get a conscious awareness of that is that true what constitutes your life situation well your finances personal relationships your physical health your emotional health your mental health your career if you have children etc does it does it touch every aspect of your life? I'll give you something to work with. Perhaps you may be asleep to areas of your life in which you're still experiencing fear, areas of life in which you are still relying on self. Wake up to that. I'll say that again. Areas of your life in which you are experiencing fear are areas of your life in which there is no God and you're still relying on self and you may be asleep to that. And it talks about what fear does. Fear is an evil and corroding thread. The fabric of my existence is shot through with fear. Boy, do I know that one. I remember being about 10 or 11 years sober and I'm not sure what precipitated again and I got in touch with this fear and I remember driving down the road and I was just taking my fist and I am punching the ceiling and saying, God, I am so sick of living my life based in fear. I am so sick of living my lifebased in fear I will go to any lengths to be free of that surrender give up your life's not your business be present those are some things you do men of faith have courage, they trust their God realize you live in a world of impermanence Get present to this moment. Love what you have for as long as I give it to you. Love the pain if it's gone. What does fear do? Fear will set in motion trains and circumstances, meaning I'm going to pursue a course of action which is going to bring me misfortune that I feel I did not deserve. And you're going to break it. You're going bring your I-did-not-deserve into my meetings and talk to me about it. See? You set the ball rolling, right? how could they fire me how could I get this health problem how could she leave how could he stay but did not we ourselves set the ball rolling page 68 you get your instructions on fear inventory you're going to review your fears 30 you're gonna put them on paper you're gunna ask yourself a question why do you have these fears what a fabulous question here's why isn't it because self-reliance failed you. Self-reliance failed you. Is that true? So again, get current with your life. Any areas of your life in which you're having fear, ask yourself, how are you relying in self? Really ask yourself this, what role have I assigned myself in this area of fear? And it talks about there's a better way for now on a different basis, the basis of trusting and relying upon God. And I said to that woman, I told you about Houston that literally was stripped of everything in a week. I said, you get to trust and rely on God with all this, don't you? Why? Because so many things that she thought defined who she were were taken from her in such a quick fashion that she couldn't turn to self-reliance. She was left with nothing but trust and relay on God. I said, now we're going to find out if you walk that talk. There's nothing worse than getting asked to speak a lot in AA and have extreme life-changing situations come up and find out whether or not you're going if you're gonna walk this deal. Like it or not, you're on stage and people watch what goes on in your life. I've been through a lot of things since I got sober. Divorces and bankruptcy and physical health problems and I've lived in several different places and different career changes and let go from jobs and PTSD and trauma from Vietnam and just locked up in a nut house and all kinds of stuff. Why? Because that's life. My life's not any different than anyone sitting in this room. That's life, and the sooner you get in touch with this power and it can get rid of free, then the sooner você pode experiment com tudo isso. Não é necessário beber, não é necessario ir de fome. Você nunca me disse que eu poderia experimentar grande dor e grande alegria ao mesmo tempo. I'd said you were nuts I live in a world of relativity it means you go from pain to joy if I've never had pain how would I know what joy is I thank God for everything means I'm still breathing and I'm alive on you know I'm not obsessed with I get to be happy all the time we bring a belief system into Alcoholics Anonymous from our alcoholism and our addiction that goes like this I will do anything at any length to feel good and whatever feels good is good and whatever feels bad is bad that pattern doesn't necessarily end because you stopped drinking or using by the grace of God then it starts to show up in your life and you've done the work and you become so good at 10 11 and 12 this is what she and I were talking about during the break I had become so good at 10, 11, and 12 that my philosophy was if it feels good, it's good. If it feels bad, it's bad. So avoid anything that makes me uncomfortable. And that's a big delusion about life. You're going to have loss. You are going to have grief. You will have pain. You'll have joy. The key is to find peace in the middle of all of it. My mind used to say this. You cannot be physically, mentally, emotionally or even spiritually in pain and have peace at the same time. Therefore, you must do whatever you can to get out of what makes you uncomfortable and all I had was a great technique of 10, 11, and 12 to avoid anything that made me feel uncomfortable. I later found out that life's going to go on. I'm going to get old. I'm gonna experience illness. I'm gong to experience loss. I'm gonig to experience sickness and death. The key is to find peace right in the middle of it before you have to get off of it so your program doesn't become a pain avoidance program. God is in the middle of all of it. Go right into the middle of it don't become so good at 10 11 you're just unable to feel anything and you're just like see I believe the deeper we go into our pain the more we experience joy the deeper we go into our grief a lot of us haven't even grieved alcohol our best friend our highest our higher power came before anything or anyone it guided us it directed us it protected us, it gave us power and now you've lost that I think the biggest part of letting go is grief and a lot of us don't go through that grief and it starts to manifest in other things held on to grief five years in India like Mark was saying five years in India it was pretty easy to say gee living life on a spiritual basis is wonderful but in the last year I've lost my mother I've been had to leave a war zone. Had to leave friends that might not ever see again because they just can't go get a visa and leave. There's been loss, and I've been more at peace than I've ever been in 20 years because I started to seek the peace in the middle of whatever, however it is, and continue to do the work. We will see you back here at two o'clock. I want to continue to move forward in this session. We want to talk about steps 5, 6, 7, 8. I will say this about inventory. The way you get experience with inventory is to write inventory. A lot of inventory. It can be extremely freeing. Someone asked me recently, I was reflecting back I was just trying to think since 1991 I guess so it's about 13 years or 12 years but I strongly suspect I have written a minimum of probably 30 inventories in those 12 years and then I do multiple fifth steps normally a minimum I read normally a minimum three people so that would mean I've read inventory 90 times in the last 12 years and I do it because I like the effect reduced there's no other reason I'm that kind of an alcoholic so if you haven't done much work with inventory I would strongly encourage you to do that tremendous freedom comes when you begin to write more with inventory So we open our big books up to page 70. I do want to make one comment where it says to sum up about sex on page 70, there are four things in here to ask you to do, and I can tell you from experience those four things you can apply to any situation in your life. The book says, I earnestly pray for the right ideal. i've used this in business personal relationships etc for guidance in each questionable situation for sanity and for the strength to do the right thing four great incredible prayers to work with in any area of your life so we get done with this inventory book goes on to say if i've been thorough about this i've written down a lot i've listed and analyzed my resentments i've begun to comprehend their futility and fatality. My resentments are futile because I can't do anything about the external world's actions or behaviors. They're fatal because they cut me off from God, from the power of God that I need in my life. That conscious contact says I've commenced to see their terrible destructiveness. I began to learn tolerance, patience, goodwill toward all men, even my enemies, if I look at them as sick people. That shift in consciousness and how you perceive things. I've listed the people I've hurt by my conduct, and I'm willing to straighten out the past if I can. They're introducing us to steps eight and nine here and telling us we're going to get this list from the inventory we wrote in addition to prayer, seeking more. In this book, I read again and again, faith did for me what I could not do for myself. It goes on to say that I hope I'm convinced now that God can remove every self-will has blocked me off from him. My self-will cannot remove my self- will. Power of God can eliminate my self will, and it's my self well always that blocks me off from conscious contact. So if I already made a decision, third step in the inventory of my gross or handicaps, fourth step, I made a big beginning. That being so, I've swallowed and digested some big chunks of truth about yourself. So chapter six into action talks about having made this inventory, what do I do about it? trying to get a new attitude. Step two, new relationship with my creator. Step three, discover the obstacles in my path. Step four, admitted certain defects, ascertaining in a rough way what the trouble is, putting my finger on the weak items in my personal inventory. Now these are about to be cast out. This requires action. Now I'm going to get some, and then it goes on to talk about, I then will admit it to God, to myself, and to another human being, the exact nature of my defects. And I'm in the fifth step, and it talks about toward the bottom of this page, gives me a pretty good reason why I need to do this. If I skip this final step, I may not overcome drinking. Tie me back to the first step again. Talks about trying to avoid this humbling experience, I turn to easier methods. And the promise is almost invariably we're going to get drunk. See, you're back to something again. Die an alcoholic death, read this inventory. It doesn't require a lot of thought, pretty simple, given a choice. That's why you always have to remember your intent as you go through the steps. Die an alcoholic death, take the action predicated in this step, which is easier for me that you do. Talks about more than most people, the alcoholic leads a double life. He's very much the actor. To the outer world, we like to present our stage character. bottom of the page talks about how incredibly dishonest we are we seldom tell people the whole truth and we certainly do not follow anyone's advice unwilling to be honest with these men we're honest with no one else small wonder many in medical profession have a low opinion of alcoholics no chance for recovery book over and over again talks about and then finally says this manner of living demands rigorous honesty. My experience is it's very, very difficult to maintain any sense of peace, let alone sobriety, with a sustained course of dishonesty going on in your life. Regardless of how that dishonesty might show up, it says I must be entirely honest with somebody if I expect to live longer happily in this world. Now I get some instructions on who to choose to do this with. Middle paragraph, I need to find a closed-mouthed understanding friend. It says I have no right to save my skin at another person's expense. I needto tell my story to someone who will understand yet be unaffected. Probably not a good rule for husbands to read inventory to wives, depending on what they have in there. The rule is, here's the rule, I'm hard on myself, considerate of others. Bottom of the page, it says we're anxious we talk to the right person. It gives me more instructions. This person needs to be able to keep a confidence. This person need to understand and improve what I'm driving in. That understand is critical to me. My fifth step is about life and death, as the book's going to tell me. It's about the death of self-will and the life of an awakened spirit. Very, very important who listens to my fifth step. And more importantly, who gives me feedback in the fifth step? It talks about when I decide who's to hear my story, I waste more time. I explain to partner what I'm about to do and why I have to do it. My partner, whoever I'm reading this to, should realize that I'm engaged upon a life-and-death errand. That's another sentence. I'm doing some of this intentionally. That is another sentence I would hope some of you in the next month bring up at an AA meeting. I think that's a fairly important sentence too, much like the other one that this list holds the key to my future. This one talks about my fifth step as a life and death errand. and a great topic you bring up is what is your experience with that? What does that mean to you? Do they really mean life and death? My experience is the book always means what it says. That it's a life and Death errant. Then it says I pocket my pride and go to it eliminating every twisted character or every dark cranny of the path. When I am either reading a fifth step or I'm listening to one I always read from where I started over to here because I want to be very clear about what I'm doing and why I'm doing it, and I want the person across from me to be very clear. And then I read the inventory. And I'm looking for feedback in inventory because inventory is quite often about my self-delusion. I'm not interested in someone having consideration for how I might feel about what they say to me. I'm very interested about my life. So it's about seeing the truth behind all those resentments and look at the truth and fear and then look at that truth in a selfish, self-centered sexual inventory. my relationships with people, the levels of dishonesty in my life. I'll give you a simple example, and I can give you many about fifth steps. This has to do with smoking again. Some of you are not going to be happy after I talk about this, but I'm reading an inventory down in Kerrville, Texas several years ago, and I don't know how it came up, but it came up about I was asked a question after reading a piece of inventory and the question was, do you have a job description in your workplace? I said, well, of course I do. He said, does it say in there that you have permission to smoke cigarettes on company time? And I said no. He said well how many cigarettes a day do you smoke at work? I says well probably a minimum of 10 to 15 it depends I've never worked at a job where I just sat at a desk he said well how much time do you take smoke a cigarette and I said I don't know 3 to 5 minutes so he said do you think 5 would probably be better and I say well yeah probably so he says if we just took 10 cigarettes a day times 5 he said so if it's not in your job description you're not being paid to smoke cigarettes that means approximately an hour a day you're stealing from your company I really wish he hadn't said that. But you know what? He's absolutely right. I've been stealing from that company for a long time. So when I got to amends, I went in and made amends for that. Made amends for that, stealing time from them, feeding that addiction. That's the kind of stuff, and I'll tell you what, that was very freeing for me. I asked them, what can I do to make that right? Of course, quite often, I very seldom, I don't know what a 40-hour week looks like. They appreciated me coming in and talking about that with them, but this is the kind of people that I need sitting across from me. See, I can do stuff like that, never enters my mind. We're the kindof people that justify murder. We do. The most outrageous things, and so I need to have someone sitting across me who can help me see the truth of all that. And again, the longer you're sober, recently I had an experience with a man, he's about 20 years sober. He's a circuit speaker. What he discovered was he had several resentments he could not get free of, and in the area in which he worked, he was the go-to guy. So I didn't know what to do, so he got a hold of me, and he flew down to Dallas, and we swapped fifth steps. And I was able to help him see some things that he could not see because his ego operated in another fashion, much more devious, based on kind motives because I'm a spiritual man. That kind of thing. And he was really up against some stuff. So it's critical. So I find people that have experience. I'm not always concerned about length of time. I have a man I do quite a bit of work with. He's 29, 30 years sober. One woman, 38 years sober Some men I sponsor, five, six, seven years spoke. I've read inventory to all of them. I don't care. As long as they understand and approve what it is I'm driving at to help me find the truth in this. So you get done with that, and then when you get to experience what are called the fifth step promises, which are some of the most powerful in the whole book, and I always like to talk about these, it says once I've taken this step withholding nothing, I can be delighted. And here's the fifth step promises. I get a look the world in the eye. You ever noticed, particularly in the Western culture, how most people walk around with their head down? Have you ever noticed in the Western Culture how much we avoid eye contact? Why do you think that is? Because we're a fear-based society. Because we are a society that's based on self-reliance. But I get to look the world in the eye today. All people everywhere I go, strangers and me, I get look people in the eyes today because of the work that I was able to do in this fourth and this fifth step. I can be alone at perfect peace and ease. Don't have to walk into my house anymore, fire up the television set, turn on the CD player, check on my computer at same time. Be alone at a perfect peace of ease. I understand that when I first started to work with silence it felt violent to me. Today noise feels violent to them but I can be alone in perfect peace and ease. My fears fall from me. What an incredible promise that is. Just think of the visual of that. Your fears fall form you. And I can tell you over the years, that's exactly what's happened to me. I'll never forget when Joe and I first started doing this, he lied to me, first of all, on the very first one we did. I'd never done one. And he said, well, there's a little group down in Lafayette, Louisiana and they'd like us to come down and I'd like to have you come along because I don't want to talk all weekend. And I said, well, okay. So I drive down. There was like, it's in a hall like this, 300 people, right? Little group. I was terrified. Absolutely terrified. My fears fall and I keep doing this work and I reached a place actually quite a few years ago where I'll never forget where the first time, actually, I think it was in a huge auditorium. I think he was down in Kentucky. Must have been 1,000 people there. And I remember standing up there with as much calm and peace as if I was sitting in my living room with a good friend. And I said, this is an amazing deal that a guy like me can have this kind of freedom from my fears and they begin to fall away from me. I begin to feel the nearness of my creator. That's why I drank. I was disconnected and felt separate from my creator. And as a result of this work, I begin to feel the nearness of my creator I may have had certain spiritual beliefs, but now I begin to have the spiritual experience. The feeling the drink problem has disappeared will often come strongly. I feel like I'm on the broad highway walking hand in hand with the spirit of the universe. What incredible, incredible promises. How could you not get excited about writing an inventory and doing a fifth step if this is the payoff? and I submit to you that if you've done that and this hasn't been the payoff do it again find someone else who's maybe done more work who can give you better directions but these are incredible promises to experience in your life get done with the fifth step it says I go home find a place where I can be quiet for an hour I believe there's spiritual virtue in following instructions I take a timer and I set it for 60 minutes I don't set it from 58 and I don' t set it to 62 there's a part of me that the rules have never applied you all know what I mean speed limit signs just I you know the the lanes the fast lanes for two people but you're just by yourself because that looks like one for you everyone else is backed up and that's got the alcoholic's name on it right rules don't apply to me I can't stand waiting in line you know gotta wait wait seven days what I means I've always been that kind of a guy and what I found in this path is it teaches me some things by following these precise, specific clear-cut directions. So I take that timer and I'm going to review what I've done. What have I done? I've looked at the first five steps, haven't I? I thank God from the bottom of my heart I know God better. Now it took me a long time to understand the sentence because what I really just got through doing was reading three inventories to somebody. Resentment inventories, in which I finally got over to my fourth column, and I see how incredibly selfish, self-seeking, dishonest, and fear-based I am. A fear inventory, and then a selfish, self-centered sex inventory. And I've read this to another person. And how is it I know God better? Did that ever confuse any of the rest of you? You ever wonder about that? Well, the reason I know God better is because I experienced truth, and God is truth. That's just, this is the truth of how I've been living my life. And I verbalize it, and I talk about it, and I lay it out there. That's why I know god better. I'm not trying to be a stage character anymore. I finally sat down with another human being and laid out the truth of my life, my mistakes, a life based on self-will and self-reliance, which is why I know god greater. See, it's paradoxical. We're raised in a society and culture which tells us to be dishonest, if it will somehow help me get my way. But the truth is that makes me get separated further and further from God. And the honesty and truth of your life is admitting your mistakes. And then it says, I take this book down, I turn to the page which has the 12 steps, I read the first five proposals, have I admitted anything? So I look at that. Now you get some very interesting questions that have a lot more to do with construction, right? Is my work solid so far? Are the stones properly in place? Second step, cornerstone. Third step, keystone. Have I skipped on the smith put into the foundation if I tried to make mortar without sand? Earlier on, the book had told you and I it's building a spiritual arch through which I walk a free man and a free woman. Step one, what is wrong with me is the foundation of that arch. step two is the cornerstone, step three is the keystone, holds all the stones in place. Step four is another stone, step five is another one, then six, seven, and then down to the last stone which is the twelfth step. And that completes the arch and through that I walk a free man. That's what these questions are about. When I'm done with that hour and the timer goes off, I turn to page 76. If I can answer my satisfaction in those questions, I then look at step six. I've emphasized willingness as being indispensable and now I get the six-step question when I'm ready to let God remove from me all the things admitted or objectionable. I use a tool for this and the reason I do it because it helps me identify the things that are objectionable better than any other tool and that tool is called the sacraments of penance in which they take the seven deadly sins and embellish on them in a level I've never seen before. I used that tool because it's been the most effective I've ever seen to help me identify the exact nature of my defects. And I will tell you that every year, including last year when I went back through the steps, there's about, if you looked at that there's probably eight or nine pages, extensive lists of defects that I never would have seen and there probably were out of everything on there, there might have been ten or fifteen I wasn't guilty of last year. particularly if you have time in the program it is an incredible tool to free you of spiritual pride to get honest about how much you still fall short in spite of how much you love God, in spite OF how long you've been sober in spite Of what you've BEEN doing so the question is am I ready to let God take those can He now take them all and then I do the seven step prayer and then it brings me up to my eighth step and I have a list of names and institutions from my inventory and then I also spend some time in prayer and ask God to reveal anything else that needs to be on that list and something comes every single time. And I'll talk a little bit more about the list in a littlebit. I'm Joe, I'm an alcoholic. I had a little story I'd like to read. It was battered and scarred And the auctioneer thought it was scarcely worth his while To waste his time with an old violin But he held it up at the auction with a smile What is my bid, good people? He cried Who starts the bidding for me? One dollar, one dollar Two, two dollars Who makes it three? Three dollars once Twice three dollars twice going for three but no from the room far back a gray bearded man came forward and picked up the bow wiped off the dust from the old violin tightened up the strings he played a melody pure and sweet as sweet as an angel's song the music ceased in the auctioneer with a voice that was quite quiet and low said what now is my bid for this old violin as he held it up with its bow. One thousand, one thousand, do I hear two thousand? Who makes it three? Three thousand once, three thousand twice, going and gone. The audience cheered but some of them cried we don't understand what changed the worth of the violin. Swift came the reply from the auctioneer the touch of the master's hand and many a man whose life is out of tune all battered with bourbon and gin is auctioned cheap to a thoughtless crowd much like the old violin a mess of potage, a glass of wine a game and he travels on he's going once, he's doing twice he's gone, going, almost gone but the master comes and the foolish crowd never can quite understand the worth of a soul the change that is brought by the touch of the master's hand I like that Like I said, I was given this gift in 1982 in Denver. And there were times early on and there was times since when I didn't remember it was a gift. I took it for granted. And I was five years in Denver and then ten years in Santa Monica and then five years in northern India. And then I've been back now a year. And in the last year, we've been a few places. I've spent two months in New York and six months in Texas and a few months in Los Angeles. And I see a common denominator, and I'm talking now about groups where they do their work in the big book. And what I noticed was in each of a lot of these places, there's a lot if friction that I don't think is necessary among people that do the work. personalities, dogma, rigidity. And I don't know. You know, I love the traditions. They were never soft-souled to me. They were ever, and I don' t know if they use this phrase in Arizona, but in California, actually in the format of a meeting sometimes, is they'll say, the traditions are to the group. They've just told you one-third of the program is not for you personally. My sponsor didn't make that assumption and he told me that there was as many spiritual principles within the traditions that I could practice in my life, business, family, etc., as there are in the Twelve Steps, as there is in the twelve concepts. And so I was thinking about this phenomena that we've seen around the country among the fellowship of the Spirit. You know, our big book describes two fellowships. One at the beginning of the work, I believe it's on page 17, where they describe that cement and they describe the feeling that many of us have had when we've walked into these rooms. The spirit of the fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous. Joy and escape from disaster, camaraderie. But then it's funny that at the end of the process, I think it's right around page 164, they describe the fellowship of the spirit rather than just the spirit of the fellowship, and they say that here and there, once in a while, you will meet an alcoholic who's had a vital spiritual experience. Now, I believe there's alcoholics that have had spiritual experiences, but they didn't believe it was vital. It was just nice. It wasn't about life and death anymore. I've been places, and I'm sure many people in this room have been places where in a big meeting where people are sharing, one guy, you're visiting, you're from out of town, one guy can say one thing and you just feel like you've met another brother in this fellowship of the Spirit. And I believe that's a fellowship within the fellowship of people who have experienced conscious contact, spiritual experience. And I think it's sad we're already enough of a minority that we start separating ourselves from each other those that we share a common solution with with judgment and gossip and criticism and rigidity and I was wondering when I was praying one morning what I could say to this group in New York and it dawned on me the first tradition and the first tradition states that our common welfare, let's just say of your home group our common welfare should come first personal recovery depends upon AA unity. So how does that break down? The group comes first. But my personal recovery depended on the unity and the message of that group. So what started to come to me was as important as my personal recovery depends on the unity of the group don't ever forget this, it works backwards the unity ofthe group depends on your personal recovery. I believe if the individuals in a group are continuing to do the work, make amends, talk to each other, be accountable, you wouldn't have a lot of these splits among people that really shouldn't be. We really shouldn'T be split from anybody, and that's what my inventory shows me. So first of all, it has to be about life and death. does the unity of Alcoholics Anonymous still have something to do with your personal recovery and conversely does your personal recovery bring about unity around you I believe it does in my last fifth step Mark made a point that throughout that fifth step there was a phrase or a word that continued to show up that was causing me problems and that was the word friend I have a preconceived idea what that means I sometimes take it for granted and I sometimes assign that title to people that aren't my friends and I always remember one of my heroes, Frank saying, be friends with your friends but know who your friends are or you'll find yourself blindsided by people who aren't You know, and I would read something to Mark in this fifth step and he'd say, boy, you sure use that term friend a lot. Were they really a friend? And were you really a friends? It's funny, I expect people to be a lot more than I expect from myself. He was friends with people he didn't even like. Yeah. I think I was about 10 years sober, and I saw my grand sponsor, Gary Brown. And I had known him for 10 or 12 years. And I saw him after not seeing him for a period of time, and he was just glowing. He was about 25, 26 years sober. I'd known him för about 10. And I asked him, I said, Gary, what's going on? I mean, you're just like, I've never seen you like this. He said, well, I took an inventory to Chicago to my sponsor who's Paul Martin and I read it to a few people and they sat down with me and I saw some amends that I have not been aware of some financial stuff and I went home and talked