Step 10 and the Spot Check Inventory – Asheville NC – Part 1 of 2 – Big Book Step Study

Hi, everyone. I'm Stephanie, and I'm an alcoholic. And thank you. It's an honor and a privilege to speak tonight. My sobriety date, my birthday, July 24th, 1980. I belong to the Kingston Friday Night Big Book Step Study in Kingston, Massachusetts. we meet at 7.30 at the Vineyard Church it's an awesome group we'd love to have you I think that's all the business that I wanted to I am a grateful recovered alcoholic I say that because I have done these steps as they're laid out in the big book with the help of the big book step study sponsor and God my creator and I have a group I did it with a group, a very small group, in Marshfield Hills in Marshville, Massachusetts. And I'm very big on speaking about groups. My sponsor was awesome. She was dynamic. She knew her stuff. She had her lineage also. But I needed the spirit and the energy of a group to keep me writing. And I believe a group is so, so important. Step 10 I absolutely love step 10 as other people have said I'm living right now in 9, 10, 11 and 12 for me these are growth steps years ago people would say that they were maintenance steps and as we all know in big book step study that there is no such thing as maintenance we're either growing or we're going backwards I have to be careful I'm sorry if I say we when I say me I always mean me my ego will rebuild itself given an inch my ego will take a mile so if I am not working these steps especially right now nine because more was revealed to me and I had to do some extensive work I have some more amends to make, 10, 11, and 12. I will go back, and I do not want to go back to where I was. Just a little bit of qualification. I love Alcoholics Anonymous with all my heart and soul. I am standing here because AlcoholicsAnonymous existed. You took me in. You didn't give me a lot of requirements. I was a babbling idiot, no self-esteem, no self-love. I just desperately needed a place that would take me in and show me how to live a life without alcohol. And you did that. I actually came into AA 27 years ago. And as you know, I said I just celebrated my 24th, or maybe I didn't say it. I celebrated my 25th birthday in AA July 24th. I drank again in this program, saddest day of my life. I can say that honestly. It is and will be the saddest day of my life. Drinking, after being given the gift of sobriety and fellowship and AA, I went out and I drank. And the grace of God came into my life in a bar room with me bringing a glass up to my mouth. and I came out of what I call an emotional blackout because I didn't have enough alcohol in me to have an alcohol blackout. And I stood at the turning point, as it says. I stood At The Turning Point. And I could have gone, well, what the heck? I already blew it. I might as well just stay and party. Or I could Have Gone The Route That I Did Go, which brings me to tears every time I think about it I said to myself Stephanie, you're an alcoholic what the heck are you doing? and I basically got up and ran out ran to the people I was with just, you know, I was crazy sure, I admit it, I did it was untreated alcoholism even though I had been sober before that night for two and a half years. But I went home, and I opened the big book. I called my sponsor, went to a meeting, and was loved back into the fellowship. And I had close to 20 years of sobriety before the big-book step study came into my life. And I don't have enough time to tell you all the wonderful, wonderful experiences I had in AA, Open AA, step meetings. All I can say is that I was loved. And then when it was time, I found Big Book Step Study, and that was six years ago. And that's enough for my story. Let me talk about Step 10. I read page 84 to 88 every day. I would love to stand up here and tell you I start my day, seven days a week, with 84 to88. That's not true. I start most of my days reading 84 to 888 and then meditating. Sometimes in the morning, I don't do it. But during the day, I do 84 to 988 and then I pray and I meditate. for me step 10 is so vital and i use that word vital it's a vital part of my program of recovery because step 10 says continue to take personal inventory and when i am wrong promptly admit it So I know how to take inventory by this beautiful God-given book and the fellowship of Big Book Step Study and Alcoholics Anonymous. You taught me how to make money. You taught how to look at me, what is going on with me, what buttons are being pushed. And so it says to continue to take personal inventory And when I am wrong, promptly admit it. So it's telling me I have to be conscious in every interaction with people. What's going on here? Am I being appropriate? Are you hooking me emotionally? Am I going to say something that's going to step on your toes? Am I going to say something that tonight, when I do my 11-step nightly review, I'm going to have to say, uh-oh. You put your foot in your mouth. You're going to having to go to them and make an amends. So this step 10 tells me that this needs to be right here. You know, right here in my consciousness. My sponsor called it a spot check inventory that you take on the spot. And it's my first line of defense in living this God-given recovery program. It tells us back here that love and tolerance is my code. So if I'm not being loving, kind, considerate, polite, if I'm not having tolerance for your point of view for who you are, what you are what you're saying then I have to immediately put up my first line of defense and start identifying and I've got these words here that somebody so graciously gave me I have identify that you know what something's going on up here that there's a problem and then I have to pray I have this have to say God whatever's going on God I'm being intolerant you know this is all in my head now you know I'm an alcoholic always in my mind I'm in my heart I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm keep my mouth shut. I've learned a wonderful phrase that I'd love to share with you. It's called love and tolerance. And the phrase is, you might be right. You might be right. It doesn't sound like much, but it's a 10 step. You may be right? I'm not saying you are right and I'm not saying you're wrong. I'm saying you might be right. And it just equalizes the playing field here. And that's what this is all about. Continue to take personal inventory. And when I was wrong, promptly admitted it. What they're telling me to do is take my inventory and don't be wrong if at all possible. And then that says, identify, pray, tell. Tell who? First off, tell myself. You're going down a road that's not love and tolerance. You are going down the road that is going to get you into emotional trouble. So stop. Stop. If I don't stop, then what I have to do is identify, pray, and tell somebody else. And that's what this step is telling me, the phone. And for myself, part of my spiritual discipline is I make three phone calls a day. I call three people, and I try to call people that I know might be having a hard time. It's just a spiritual discipline. The phone does not weigh 500 pounds. I'm used to calling people. So when I have to do a spot check inventory, which is the 10th step, and I'm really in a state of confusion. You know it says pause when agitated? Sometimes I'll pause. I'll be agitated. And I know that I haveと make a telephone call. So I'll call and I'll tell somebody, this is what's going on. And always getting feedback is wonderful. I mean, my brain will tell me, hey, you didn't say anything wrong. You haven't caught the bad attitude. And I'd say, I'll talk to somebody else and they'll give me feedback. And they'll say, you know, it does sound like you've got a little edge there. and if there's been an edge if I'm able to do a 10th step with this person I can make an amend right away and then the last one is to help help another person this step 10 what is it maybe a page but there is so much information on how to live a sane, sober life on this page. Now I'm going to get a little personal. I'm a liar. I am a big, fat liar. I've been lying since I've had my first child. Since I've done four years old. And that's my earliest memories. And I've lied in sobriety. I've died in Big Book. I've lived. And how my lying is, is I exaggerate. I exaggeration. And what I do is I do 10 steps immediately when I have said, you know what? I have 30 sponsees. Oh, sorry. No, no, I don't have 30. I'm sorry. I lied. It's 20. You know why I said 30? because my ego wants you to think that I'm just a little bit better, just a Little Bit More Recovered, just a LITTLE BIT BIT. And this is my tenth step. I know it doesn't sound like a big deal, but it really is for me because at night I have to really red flag whether I've been dishonest or not because I learned through doing my fourth step that my biggest character defect my entire life was dishonesty. And it always started with the lie I told myself. And then I'd tell myself a lie and then I'll tell you a lie. And then, I'd get myself believing the lie. So, the 10th step is so important to me today. And this really is where I'm living. And I really have to check myself constantly to make sure that I am really being honest. Number one, honest with myself. And number two, honest in all my affairs. I just want to go back. This is one of my favorite descriptions. The alcoholic is like a tornado We feel roaring his way through the lives of others. Hearts are broken, sweet relationships are dead, affections have been uprooted. Selfish and inconsiderate habits have kept the home in turmoil. We feel a man is unthinking when he says that sobriety is enough. He is like a farmer who came out of his cycle on cellar to find his home ruined. What does that have to do with the tenth step? Everything for me. because the tenth step gives me the ability to stop the twirling of this tornado. I'm not going to stand here and lie to you and tell you I don't start twirlING in people's lives, because I do. But what I can do when I live the tenth-step is I can stop twirlIng. I can catch myself. So, yeah, maybe I have taken a roof off, but I don't have to have the house in splinters. You get what I'm saying? It's like I can stop. I can identify that I'm being a tornado in your life or your life or that relationship or at work or with my big book step study sponsors or my group. and I can say, you know what? I apologize. My behavior has been totally, totally unacceptable and I want to change it right now. And it is powerful. It is powerful for me when I do that. I remember it. I feel good about it. I talk about it and I share it with my sponsees and this is how I get well this is really how I get well and there's so much more in here that I could talk about but my time is up and I just want to again thank Harry and thank Lucky and thank the committee this conference has been for me one of the most powerful experiences in the six years that I've been in Big Book Steps study it's everything I've ever wanted in a conference I've gone looking to other places to go to conferences and it's been about personalities and this has been about the whole process everybody, I guess 45 people have shared I am taking home such knowledge so I thank you all from the bottom of my heart Thank you Stephanie our next speaker is Phil my name is Phil I'm an alcoholic and I'm a member of the newest big book group which was started at lunch time it will be in Charlotte, North Carolina but I would like to say that if you didn't hear dedication from Shirley when she was up here you weren't paying attention but I'd like to thank the people in Asheville for putting this on I've lived in Charlotte for two and a half years and made it up to this meeting quite a bit and when I think of dedicated people as far as Big Book is concerned I think about I think a Nashville, North Carolina you know they just they believe in Big Book and they stand by what they believe so the people in Asheville I say thank you I was thinking about the lineage at this table and there's not really much lineage there except that we're all from the Boston area, and that's where I found Big Book. After being sober for about five years, I found a meeting, and I found a sponsor in AA, and my sponsor told me that the Big Book was the most boring book he ever read, so that was really permission for me never to pick the book up, and if you wanted to hide money, that's the way you would have put it because I never would have found it. So I just didn't know there was an answer. What I was told was what everybody else was told. Don't drink, go to meetings, ask for help. And that's what I did. And because of just the fact that I was doing what I was told and I probably wasn't ready for this work, you know, I stayed sober by going to a lot of meetings and just doing what I were told. And, you now, I ended up running 12 and 12 meetings, men's group at my house and all that kind of stuff and doing the Hazleton Guide. And, yo know, I was taught when I came here that, you know as long as you don't drink you can do anything you want. And I had formulated a plan that in five years, I was going to be retired and life was going to be wonderful. And that was my plan. And at five years I was broke. I was probably the only guy in AA that was homeless after coming into the program. I guess my plan didn't work. When the student was ready, the teacher appeared. And I got to Big Book for all the wrong reasons. I was in one of those disastrous relationships and, you know, she was going to Big Books so I figured I'd better go and she pointed out, you now, told me I'd rather join and start doing this work and pointed out a guy that she thought might be a good sponsor and I heard his story and,you know, so I did it for allthe wrong reasons but I got here nonetheless and boy am I glad I did. And shortly after going through the process, and it took me a while to get through the process, I was transferred out of town, transferred to Atlanta, and immediately went from going to a big book step study meeting just about every day back into regular open AA meetings and not having any contact except for phone calls with people in the process. And that was God's plan, and I learned a lot from that. And I was out there on my own, and I certainly didn't have any inclination of starting in media in Atlanta because I was just starting my nine steps and trying to do 10, 11, and 12 on a daily basis, and I had to ask for a lot of help. And so I'll give you my experience on step 10. You know, it says we continue to take a personal inventory, set right any new mistakes as we go along, and we vigorously commence this way of living as we cleaned up the past. And, you know, for me, I was transferred right to Atlanta in the beginning of my ninth step, so trying to clean up the pass was a little difficult. When I had to do it was when I get called back to Boston for a sales meeting or a Christmas party or something like that because I too was told to do my amends in person, and that's what I tried to do. And so then I tried TO do the best I could out there and do 10, 11, and 12. And it says this continues for a lifetime, and And that's good, because if I had a set period of time, I'm not sure I would have made it. So I continue to try to do this with God's help for a lifetime. We continue to watch for selfishness, dishonesty, resentment and fear. And when they crop up, we ask God at once to remove them. I was asked yesterday to read. I was out in the hallway, and it was two minutes before the meeting was starting, and the people here realized they didn't have anybody to read, and somebody looked at me and said, you're reading so I can sit down and when I sat down I was overcome with fear and I didn't know where it came from. I was shaken from head to toe and I sat there for a couple seconds trying to figure it out and then I said, God, I don't have the time to figure this out. You've got to take care of this fear because I've got to get up there and speak and it was taken away. I was still nervous when I was up here but I was able to speak legibly, let me put it that way. So those are some of the day-to-day kind of things that I try to use in Step 10. I usually know when I'm acting inappropriately, whether it's if it's something as simple as a week ago I was registering at a hotel and they had I registered at a hotel but anyway they gave away my room and I was upset let everybody know that I was upset and wasn't very nice about it you know I know when I'm doing things like that, it's pretty obvious it says we have ceased fighting anything or anyone so if I'm fighting anything or anybody there's something that I'm doing wrong And, you know, I've got to take a look at it right away if I can and correct the situation. Stop and pause and apologize for what I'm saying if I realize it that fast. Those kind of things don't happen all the time. But because I'm working 10, 11, and 12 on a daily basis, I remember this stuff. and somebody mentioned about reading 84 to 88 and I don't do that every day but I do my prayers and meditation and ask God to direct my thinking and so I have to believe he's going to direct my thinking because he's running the show and because God is directing my thinking I believe that a lot of times I am acting a lot differently than I ever have before and I do not run over people and act inappropriately and say inappropriate comments like that so I don't have to make amends because I don' t do that stuff anymore so it's nice to see this line we have ceased fighting anything or anyone because that gives me peace throughout my day that I can live my life in peace and harmony with the world and for by this time sanity will have returned I didn' t know what sanity was the problem was I didn't know that I was insane But then when I realized I had lived an insane life, it was nice when I got to the point one day and I realized that I was living a sane life. And you know, God gave me that sanity because I did the work in this program. We'll seldom be interested in liquor and if tempted we'll recoil from it as from a hot flame. And then it goes on to talk about we're not fighting it, we're neither avoiding temptation. We feel as though we've been placed in a position of neutrality, safe and protected. We have not even sworn it off. Instead, the problem has been removed. It does not exist for us anymore. I didn't really understand what that line meant. Back on page 23, it tells us that the problem is in my mind as an alcoholic and that's the problem that's been removed, the lack of power. I now have a power greater than myself. When I was transferred to Atlanta, I went to a sales convention and part of my job was to entertain my clients and take them out and I was doing this sort of thing and I Was at a dinner with about 15 other people that brought me business and so I Was trying to have conversation with them and I WAS sitting at one end of the table and I Went to the other end of The Table to talk to somebody down there and 10 minutes into the conversation I reached over and grabbed my drink, but now I'm at the end of the table. And I took a swig of my drink and I had just swallowed a mouthful of Captain Morgan's. And it was, you know, it burnt. I never drank that stuff. It was terrible. I immediately just, you knows, said a quick prayer to God. And I'll tell you, before I left that meeting, I had forgotten all about that incident because the problem had been removed so there wasn't any craving. there wasn't any thought like, well, I've already blown it, so I might as well have a drink. I immediately went back to my business. I didn't spit it out on the floor. You know, I just went back for my business, you know? I wasn't vicariously trying to steal somebody else's pleasure. I was there for business. And, you now, that night, I went back in my room and that's when I, you know, as I always had my big book with me and I pulled it out and I read this and I knew now what they were talking about. You know, I was a recovered alcoholic. You know I didn't swear it off. The problem had been removed. That was a wonderful experience because that was the first time I realized and that wasn't too long after I had been on the other side and got transferred to Atlanta so it wasn't too long after that so that was like a spiritual experience in itself God was doing for me what I couldn't do for myself and it was really wonderful you know it goes on to say that is our experience that is how we react so long as we keep in fit spiritual condition and that's what I was doing I was staying in fit spiritual condition to give you another example of the 10 step because it says here it is easy to let up on a spiritual program of action at a restaurant or laurels we are headed for trouble if we do and it has to do with that same job it was the first time in my life I shouldn't say job. It was the first time in my life I felt I had a career. I was progressing in my career. My income was going to levels that I had never experienced in my life. I was enjoying life the way God intended me to. I was being transferred all over the country. I was doing what I was asked to be done. And so my boss decided to move the office from Atlanta to Washington, D.C., and I decided that I wasn't going to go to Washington, D.C., and I had offers of a transfer here or there, and finally they come and they ask me to go to Dallas. And I went to Dallas, and then shortly after going to Dallas was 9-11, and things changed, and I was asked to transfer again. And in a discussion with the president of my company, who knew that I didn't drink, I asked him, I said, Ray, I've transferred with this company three times, done everything you've asked me to do. what do I have to do to get my next promotion to get me my own office and he told me that because I couldn't entertain his clients the way he wanted me to that I wouldn't be getting a promotion anytime soon and that I would be staying in the position I was in and needless to say I was a little bit upset and you know I don't know why I didn't yell and scream at him but I did but I was really upset that I had an instant resentment against the president of this company. And did I open the book right away? No, I didn't. I prayed about it and I thought I did the work, but I didnít do the work thorough enough. And I guess what I would say is I rested on my laurels. And what happened with the resentment against Ray Daugherty, the president, was it became like a Pac-Man, if anybody remembers Pac-Men. And that resentment started eating me. And I didn't know it. It was like a low-burning resentment in the backfield, you know. And I just didn't understand it. I went along and I made a plan. You know, I forgot to go with God with all this and I make a plan that I was going to get back to North Carolina and go to work for one of the competition and da-da-da. And, you now, in the background was this smoldering resentment. And we know what happens with something that smolders. it eventually blows up into a flame. But anyway, I worked my plan and I transferred back to Carolina and when I got there I knew that I wasn't getting promoted but then they asked me to sign a no-compete clause and not go to work for the competition or leave the company so I decided to leave and I went to work for the company for the entire competition and all this time any time that I would see somebody So now I was being selfish because I wanted somebody to do what I wanted them to do. My self-seeking was that any time I would see somebody in the industry and they would ask me why I left, I would let them know what Ray Doherty had done to me. And I would justify it by making it, I would paint a nice rosy picture about it so that I wouldn't look bad. And I only know this hindsight. I didn't realize I was doing it at the time. And about a year later, my boss from my new company came up to me and he told me that he had heard directly from this person that Ray Doherty thinks you absolutely hate him. And I wasn't happy with what he did, but I don't know if I could say that I hated him. But at that point it stopped me dead in my tracks because I knew that I had bad-mouthed him enough that I got all the way through the industry and now back to my boss that I was working for now. And the other thing that happened was over this course of the period of a year, it would be, if not daily, every other day or once a week, I would think about Ray Doherty and it was that resentment burning in the background. I don't know how long it was after that conversation in the middle of the night I woke up out of a dead sleep and the first person I thought about was Ray Daugherty. So, you know, I knew I was in trouble because it says that resentments will kill us. You know, they get more alcohols drunk than anything else. I had not experienced that with the resentments in my fourth step because they, and I didn't have that burning resentment. This was, I know now, was a burning resentment that I had let smolder. I rested on my laurels and I was in trouble. So I called somebody. They told me, you know, what I had to do was, you Know, make an amend for what I Had Done. And as it was, within the next week I was going to a convention where I knew that person would be. And so I prayed and I did. And the whole part about this was way back in Atlanta when I was getting transferred, I decided that I was not going to go to Washington, D.C. I didn't pray to God about it. I decided. That I wasn't going to Washington. So immediately I had pushed God out of the way And, you know, my spiritual conditioning was weakening at that point. And so anyway, you knows, I got back on the beam as you will and, you know, said my prayers, did the work I needed to do and went to that convention. And because I didn't have a phone number, I had to make a face-to-face appointment with this person on the convention floor. And both times that I did it, I was rebuffed. I did my part, and I have not thought about that situation since. So that's the experience I had with it. You know, I have to be conscious of what I'm doing. I have TO BE CONSCIOUS OF WHAT I'M SAYING TO PEOPLE. Sometimes I miss it, and that's what Step 11, obviously, I missed it in Step 11. We're headed for trouble. What we have is really a daily reprieve, contingents on the maintenance of our spiritual condition. Well, I was doing all the things spiritually. I had God in my life obviously because of this program and going through the process. I was going to church. I wasdoing what I needed to do spiritually. But I didn't take care of a smoldering resentment that I thought I had but I wasn't honest with myself. And then I went out when I was causing self-seeking behavior. That's what this is all about, doing this work. Continuing to take a personal inventory. And it takes a lifetime. You know, and I've got to continue to watch for selfishness, dishonesty, self- Seeking and fear. And when they crop up, I take them to God right away. Thank you. You know, so what it showed me was that this process, and I already knew this process worked, but it showed мне that this part of this process works. You know if you're in this room today, this is new to you, you're thinking about writing, you're writing, keep writing. If you're asking somebody to take you through the process, it's without a doubt. the best thing that ever happened to my sobriety besides coming to NTA. I'm glad to be here. Thanks. Thank you, Phil. Our next speaker is Gino. Hey, Gino! Hello, everyone. My name is Gene and I am an alcoholic of the hopeless variety as described in the first 62 pages of the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous. And, you know, if it wasn't for those pages and the willingness to address my difficulties through this process, you I don't know where I'd be today, I'll tell you that. You know, step ten for me is just like another one of those evolving steps. And, you know, I was born with this lie factory in my head. You know? I wasborn with this actually, this industry. You know half of it manufactures bullshit and the other half buys it. and that's what I live with my mind will tell me that I'm either living in delusional expectation or I'm living in morbid reflection depending on how it goes I'm like a gambler who will only tell you about the times I win never about the time I lose and that is who I am I found that out from doing the work in the four step You know, so I've digested and swallowed some big chunks of truth about myself, but that doesn't necessarily mean that I'm well. And, I mean, it states pretty clearly in the reading that, you know, what I have really is a defense against picking up the first drink. So the alcohol problem is not really the problem that I have to address on a daily basis, although I'm addressing that on a daily basis by keeping my side of the street clean. So what I'm really dealing with here is the ism part of the alcoholism on a day-to-day basis so I can keep in a fit spiritual condition. So I continue that maintenance with that connection with the power greater than myself that gives me a defense against picking up the first drink. Now, the isms to me can—I mean, it has all kinds of manifestations, But it's basically rooted in the fear of abandonment and the fear of annihilation. In other words, you know, if I have this stuff, people will like me. And if they don't like me, I'm going to die. I feel so alone. I need you. You know, I seek mommy. You know, I seek money. I seek more because whatever is, is never enough for me. And this is a constant reminder for me if I do subject myself to a spot check inventory that my motives are usually directed by those two fears and the way that sometimes those fears would come up would be in anger and that's really a pretty easy one to face because, you know, I mean, to me anger is the physical reaction to fear which is the emotional consequence of selfishness. So if I'm angry, I know I'm fearful I know it's selfish so I immediately ask God to remove that I immediately talk to somebody I make amends if they're necessary and I resolutely turn my thoughts to someone I can help now this is the beauty of this program if I'm working this I will have someone I could resolutely turn my doubts to if I am not, I may not it's a good thing so working step 10 for me is simply the process of learning how to deal with me on a daily basis without picking up a drink you know and it's down there in black and white you know the process by which I would do that I understand again I understand pretty much the exact nature of my character defects I understand that I believe I may not be much but I'm all I think about, you know, and how that really skews my view of the rest of the world and especially the people about me. And by working this process and understanding that my relationship with people are, you know, people aren't here for specifically for me to manipulate, you know, for what I want or what I think I want. Again, the fear of abandonment. If I want you to be my friend, I'll do all kinds of absurd things to get you to be close to me. And really all I want is love. That's all I wanted. All I've ever wanted. But in order to get the love that I don't think I'm getting, I'm willing to do all sorts of selfish and dishonest things and do a lot of self-seeking behavior. And when it doesn't happen for me, that creates resentment. And as someone else said, resentment is the number one offender. It kills more alcoholics than anything. Why does it kill more alcohols than anything? Because resentment blocks me off from the sunlight and the spirit and makes me unavailable to help other alcoholics. I mean, this whole process, I believe, is designed for me to be in a position of maximum service to my power, the power greater than myself that I believe in, and my fellow alcoholics. I mean, if I'm not doing this work, how can I do that work? You know, I've seen people try, you know, or I've seeing people fake this work. You know what I'm saying? They don't say they're doing it. You know? You can tell by their lifestyles that they're absolutely not doing it, and they are not attracting other alcoholics They're attracting what I would call the social club of non-drinking codependents. But they're not really attractive to the alcoholics of the hopeless variety that only a message of depth and weight can get to. You know, in order for me to have that depth and weight, I have to actually know a little bit about the confusion and the insanity that I live with on a daily basis and the futility and fatality of trying to go through that on my own self-will. If I can honestly tell somebody, yeah, I know what you're thinking, or I know exactly what you are saying and they believe me, that's a connection. You know? If I can relate from my own experience something similar to what somebody's going through and I can if I'm honest with myself about it and I'm not afraid to tell them because they might not like me I make a connection and I might be of help to that person. Now I believe I'm in connection with my higher power and that to me is what it's all about. I'm never closer to a power greater than myself than when I'm sitting with a fellow alcoholic who needs help. Never, ever. And that's why I practice this step to the best of my ability. I'm terrible at it, but I'm learning. Again, it's an evolving process. I mean, my mind is really sneaky. It's got little corridors and stuff like that, and there's the bubble under the rug thing, and I think I've got a handle on this, and my whole story is full of, I've arrived, you know, and only to find out that I've arrived where? You know, there's always another little corridor to go down with little demons in there and I have to deal with those. But that doesn't ever stop. That's life. That's light. It must continue for my lifetime. And that love that I always was seeking, the love that didn't think I could, you that I thought I could get from you, or I thought I could give from you. That love I tried to steal, con, and manipulate my way to was never enough for me because you would always disappoint me. The love that I need and the love that I seek comes from a power greater than myself that loves everybody. So if his love is not good enough for me I'm screwed and that's why I'm being dishonest I'm bein' dishonest thinkin' that I know better than God what I need and I act on it and when I act on that usually fear starts anger, resentment the whole ball rolling if I discuss that with somebody at once. If I ask him to remove that, if I recognize it and I ask God to remove it and I discuss it with someone at once now it's out in the open just like when I did my fist up you know? It's not up here where it's all confined and compressed and scary and ugly and dark. It's out in the light where it loses its weight and hopefully loses its consequence and hopefully before I act it out in some self seeking manner, so I have to make an amend. But once that's out in the open, I can talk to another alcoholic. I can turn my thoughts to how I can use what I've just learned to help another alcoholic, but I absolutely turn my thoughts to someone I can help. It doesn't necessarily mean I have to go down to the street and talk to a drunk. It means turn my thoughts to someone I can help. How can I use this example of my insanity to help another alcoholic and how I got through that? That's what it's all about for me. So the tenth step, again, it's vital. If I rest on my laurels, where does that leave me? That leaves me selfish, who's dishonest, self-seeking, and fearful. And even though I might still be, or I might not drink for a while, and I might collect all this stuff that's never worked for me before, thinking that that's what I need to be happy, I mean, that's insane. When all I really need to do is continue to maintain a connection with a power greater than myself that I established through going through this process and know why I'm doing that. I'mdoing that so I can be of maximum service to him and my fellows, not so Ican look good, not soI can drive a fast car, not soi can impress girls withmy new house with the pool, not so they can come out in my rowboat with me and have a picnic dinner. Not so I can wear diamond rings or earrings as they are now. It's not my bag, but let it be. So again, to me it's all about my connection with that love at all-powerful creative intelligence that is so far beyond my conception. You know, I'm at a loss, but I know it's there. And I got that connection through this process. And, you know, I know I would not be here anyway if I hadn't been given the opportunity to do this. And there's some people in this room that helped me along there. And I really appreciate that. And I appreciate the opportunity to speak at this convention. And, Harry, thank you so much. Suzanne, lucky. You too. Sometimes a little hamster falls asleep in the wheel, you know what I'm saying? Do I have to make an amend? Oh, no. Have I been selfish? But again, thanks again, folks. And my higher power loves each and every one of you. And I hope one day that I'll be able to do that as well. Thank you. Thank you, Gene. I'd like to thank the readers again, Jamie and Rick, and our speakers, Stephanie, Phil, and Gina. So we have some time left if anyone has any questions regarding the 10th step for the panel. I'm Larry, I'm an alcoholic. And I just wanted to ask if one of you might address, I took my fifth step in 1988, a number of years ago. And I tried to practice Step 10 like you described it as a daily inventory, spot check inventory. But I found it necessary several times to put the pen to the paper and do some writing again because I found myself with more resentments than I could deal with in real time. And so I had to go back and write again. so anyway I was curious you know if any of you have any experience with that as well thanks hi everybody I'm Stephanie an alcoholic and I have hi everybody I have had experience with that like I said six months ago I would have told you I was done with my ninth step I had made all my amends and the big book does say more will be revealed and in working with other people and going to a lot of meetings, more was revealed to me about a lot of harms done on other people and some other sex relationships and resentments that had not come up. And I did do what my sponsor calls a large tenth step. I called it another fourth. But it doesn't really matter. What I did was I did not rest on my laurels, and I did do some very serious work. And I stand here before you. I feel clean again. I just did another fifth step in, you know, sixth and seventh. I did it all exactly the way I had been taught, and I feel clean today. And I feel like the sunlight of my God is shining on me because I am willing to do anything. I will go to any lengths today to clear up any wreckage of my past. And I just don't believe that I could have handled everything six years ago when I first did my writing, so more is being revealed. Gino Alcoholic. I love this one because it's one of those things we're not supposed to get into any controversy or anything like that. I hear a lot of people talk about written 10-step. I've never done one, and that doesn't mean anything. You know what I'm saying? What it means is that the way that I practice this step is I try to put myself in a situation where I will be done. If I get into a situation like that, the first thought that comes to my head, if I feel the anger coming up, if I fear coming up and I recognize that there's selfishness behind it, what I do is I will-be-done goes through my head. The next thing I do was look for the selfishness. The next things I do are ask for that to be removed. The next thing I do is talk to somebody. Next thing I'd do is make an amend. Next thing that I do is resolutely turn my thoughts to somebody I can help. That's been ingrained in my mind because I practice it the way that it's laid out in this book. I've never found it necessary to have to write one down. The inventory that I would have to write down or I guess would be the stuff that I do in my 11th step at night but you know there is a process by which i i can get relief there as well and you know and ask for what corrective measures should be taken at that time you know it's between me and god it's not about me uh it's you know god self others you know so it's always god first And so I think my writing is done, personally. You know, I think now it's a matter of allowing God to direct me, my attention to what he would have me be. So, you know, I do follow the process the way that it's written in that book, and I've never found it necessary to write, although I do know many people who do use that method, and I suppose there's nothing wrong with that. Thanks. Yeah, step on up. Hi, I'm Jennifer. I'm an alcoholic. And my question is what do people recommend for those of us who are just starting our writing or haven't gotten to these steps 8, 9, and 10 yet? And we clearly stick our foot in our mouths when we do something. You know, we know that we need to try to make right as soon as we can. And I'm just – I've personally had that happen just yesterday, so I'm right in the middle of it. And I obviously see that I did something wrong and I've been trying to talk to people about it. But it's really hard for me to identify what's going on, like you said, identify what'S going on. And I've bee praying about it and my higher power clearly says, you know, go make amends. And I guess kind of what's coming to me is just to keep it real simple and not try to explain what's going on because then you could get into further trouble because we haven't gone through that whole process. But does anybody have any suggestions on what to do before we get there? My name is Phil. I'm an alcoholic. Very good question. And I know that my sponsor, who I was in constant contact with, would obviously have me not make amends until I'm in the ninth step. So my sponsor would have me put that resentment down and work on that as a resentment and also obviously discuss that with him or her. and that would probably be the best thing so that you don't cause any more harm is to discuss that with your sponsor and put it down as a resentment and wait to make the amends until the next step. Thanks. My name's Dan, I'm an alcoholic. um i've is what you were saying earlier really hit me i mean i've been in the program for a while 15 years or so and i know very much more than maybe i want to that i'm selfish and i've always had issues with anger and i of course discovered that well underneath all that's fear but what you were seeing that well beneath the fear is selfishness and it was just like wow i never put that together. And I was just wondering, well, A, how you guys put that together and how you can get it from the oh wow intellectual thing to really knowing it and being able to put it into your life. Gene, alcoholic. I mean, first I had to come to believe in a power of grace that myself could restore me to sanity. And it was this belief thing you know, that gave me the inertia to begin to trust in a power greater than myself. And through the process, I learned to trust enough power greater myself. I trusted that power greater, that power great of myself enough to make spiritual demonstrations. And through those spiritual demonstrations, I gained faith. And now the opposite of faith is fear. So, you know, for me, this might be my own thing about selfishness and fear, the connection between the two. But that came on strongly with me when I was writing my four-step, you now, because every resentment started with selfishness on my part and ended up in fear. So there's a connection there. It's often talked about at the Hyannis Men's Big Book Step Study, and people have different experience with that. But I think the conclusion is more or less pretty much the same. Thanks. Thank you, Gene. If you say that you have recovered, but if the book says that we are never cured of alcoholism, what is the difference between cured and recovered? Gino, alcoholic. I love that question because, you know, it's one that has plagued me for a long time sometimes and it's something I need to do 10 steps on. You know, I hear people say they're recovered and I go, Because what it says in the beginning is we have recovered from a hopeless condition of mind and body and that I believe I have recovered form but I'm never cured of alcoholism and that's what the 10 steps is all about. I mean, I've been given a defense against picking up the first drink if I continue to work. So it's a daily reprieve based on the maintenance of my spiritual condition. That's what it's all about. But the hopeless condition of mind and body, which I believe is best described in that paragraph on page 52, that I've recovered from. Thank you. Any more questions? We've still got time. well why don't we circle up and close the meeting with the Lord's Prayer