Fourth Step Inventory and Resentment – Big Book Study – Part 4 of 8 – Scott L and Matt C

I'm Scott Lee. I'm an alcoholic. Hey, and welcome back. We are going to break at 1230 for lunch, I promise. Take a look at me. I don't miss meals. So we're going to brake on time. Just don't worry about that. I'd like to open, as we always do, with a few moments of silence. amen thank you this uh this next portion of the work is my favorite it's the one i have the passion for um i believe the four steps probably the easiest step we have it's a little bit on the long side but it's very easy it's not it's not i don't find it to be painful i don t hear people reporting that it's painful i've only had one guy ever do the stop step out of the book say he thought it was difficult or painful very very easy thing to do kind of long um and i'm told that resentment is when I didn't get my will in the past, that anger and depression are when I'm not getting my will right now. And fear is the concern that I won't get my will into the future. And if I get this third step thing in place I don't have to deal with any of that stuff. I was also told that all that garbage in my past is not who I am, that's who I'm NOT. Because if it's who I am I'm still out there doing it, doesn't make me sick to think about it. So that must be who I'M NOT. And I was told what I'd be taught here was how to quit doing who I'm not, how to repair the damage for doing who I'm not, how to receive the forgiveness for doing who I'm not and who I really am would kind of emerge from the ashes like the phoenix. That's been my experience with it. I also believe that God forgives me for everything I ever did and he loved me while I was doing it. That's a gift from my home group. My God got bigger of the day mike said that in there big stuff and another one is that i don't have the power to make a mistake so ugly that god can't turn it into something magnificent not just fix that's who i am that's Who he is lack of power that's just the way it is the discussion rages in the fellowship as to when to do a four-step and i hear people say don't do a fourth step too soon you may drink i've never seen that i've seen a few thousand way too late never have seen anybody do one too soon because the theory is that four steps hard and it's going to be really tough on your spirit. The fact is that what the steps do, although they don't look like it, is they bring relief. And I asked my mentor not too long before he died what changes he'd seen in AA in his 30 plus years. And he said when he got sober, the focus was on recovery. Today the focus is on sobriety. The difference is sobriery is not drinking today. Recovery is this whole spiritual thing that we do. And that sobriety may or may not include recovery. Recovery always includes sobriete. Pretty powerful answer. So the book is not specific about when to do a four-step. And I've heard people say you do one step a year, but they can't tell me what page that's on. And I'm kind of a book guy. And the book's not specific about when to do a four-step. It makes two time references, and I give all the leeway that the book gives to the men that I sponsor, and it makes two-time references. They can use either of those two or anything that lies between. Does that seem fair to everybody? So I asked them when we, now we're now coming up off of our knees having just done the third step prayer, and they ask him to begin reading at the bottom of page 63. He says, next. I said, whoa, that's a time reference. Next. and then it says but that's not the only one there's going to be leeway we launched out on a course of vigorous action the first step of which is a personal house cleaning which many of us have never attempted our decision that would be our third step decision i got this from bob a few years ago doing this he said the word decision comes from the latin word scissoray it's a verb that means to cut it's the same root word as the word scissors and the word incision And so a decision, I cut away the other options and act upon the one that I have decided. Though our third step, our decision was a vital, vital from the Latin vita meaning life. So this is necessary to life. And crucial step, it could have little permanent effect unless at once. Aha, that's a time reference. So the fourth step is either done next or at once or anywhere in between. I give them all the leeway the book gives. We just spread that out all you want to between next and at once. Followed by a strenuous effort to face and be rid of. Isn't that interesting? That in step four we're going to be rid of the things in ourselves which had been blocking us. There's the good news again, I'm the problem. And we're gonna get rid of those in step two. Step four, I would propose that if all I do in step three is write, I will get rid of ink, paper, and time. And none of those are blocking me. That's right. I love that. No, no, no. I Love That. Because the fourth step, although there's writing involved, I don't know that the writing portion of step four has any therapeutic effect at all. The balance of step 4, the other directions are life-changing. And that's what we're going to talk about. It says, face and be rid of the things in ourselves which have been blocking us. Therefore, we start on a personal inventory. This is step four. Business mistakes, no regular inventory usually goes broke. The businesses I deal with do a computer update every night. For me, that's the evening portion of step 11. But once a year, some of them twice, but at least once a years, they do a full tear down inventory. In 23 years, I've just completed what I'm pretty sure was my 19th four-step. I did my last one on an airplane in about 30 minutes. It doesn't take long if I stay cleaned out. And I know people that say that they believe you do the first nine steps once to stay sober on 10, 11 and 12. And if that's what your sponsor has you doing, it suits me just fine. But I discovered on my eighth four-step resentments that we're over 25 years old. So it's pretty important to me to stay involved in the process. And the reference that I have here is a business which takes no regular inventory usually goes broke. Most of them do it once a year. So that's what I do. It's what I recommend. Take a commercial inventory as a fact finding, a fact facing process an effort to discover the truth about the stock and trade. One object is to disclose damaged or unsaleable goods to get rid of. Here we are twice on this page telling you we're going to get of stuff in step four. We did exactly the same thing with our lives. We took stock honestly. First, we searched out the flaws in our makeup which caused our failure. Boy, they were hammering on that, aren't they? Being convinced itself manifested in various ways already defeated us, we considered its common manifestations. I'm going to do a little overview now. This is how I understand what the book says about doing a four step. We're going to cover three specific manifestations of self. They are resentment, fear and sexual misconduct. I claim that there's not a sex inventory in the book. I don't find the direction that says what did you do in the sexual arena that you thought was right and good? We inventory only the dark side of it. And I don�t like the idea of sex having a bad name. So I don � I don't call it a sex inventory. So we're going to inventory resentment, fear and sexual misconduct and the process we are going to use, the format is going to be a series of lists, observations and prayers. It is my experience that the writing portion will have very little effect if any at all. The observation is not what you notice as you go zipping along writing but the observations that it calls for and the prayers are life changing. And those are the portions of step four that we're going to lean on. Continuing at the bottom of page 64, resentment is the number one offender. It destroys. All right, we just killed you again. We're going do that a lot. It destroy more alcoholics than anything else from its stem, all forms of spiritual disease. We've been not only mentally and physically ill, we've been spiritually sick. When the spiritual malady is overcome, we straighten out mentally and physically. Leads me to believe that the spiritual maladies is the important one because if I can get that fixed, everything else works out itself. That must be where my focus needs to be. We'll now start searching for directions. We're going to find about 26 very specific directions and when I first tried to do a four-step, I was given by some very well-meaning people and I'm sure the folks who wrote that piece of psychobabble garbage were well- meaning also. What they alleged was a four step and it was true, false, multiple choice, fill in the blanks do you still hate your mother is one of the questions i mean it was just i have to get off the subject or i'm going to start swearing and i try not to do that but it was really toilet paper and but what happened for me when i completed that thing was that i did get to step five where i began to get relief because that's what the steps do although they don't look like it but i'm talking about the actual steps out of the real book my sponsor said the second best kept secret nae was that the four steps in the big book how to do it. But I read this, I mentally drew a line under it and added it all up and I said to myself, it says write the story of your life and be sure to include every rotten thing you ever did. And I'm asked occasionally, someone will ask me what do you think about writing an autobiography? I want to tell you I think it's a great idea but I hope you take a four step also because that will change your life. And i'm not sure that the autobiography will. So what we're going to do is look for directions. It says in dealing at the bottom of page 64. In dealing with resentments, we set them on paper. For me, that's not a direction. That's a general description. They're going to tell us exactly how to set it on paper said we listed people, institutions or principles with whom we were angry for me. That's the first direction in step four. So what we need is a list. A list is a series of words and phrases that run down a page. I don't think I've ever seen a list that ran across a page they don't go left to right. They go top to bottom. So we need now is a list. And I usually say to them, now you're probably wondering what color ink you should use and what color paper. Were you wondering that? About half of them say yeah. The book's not specific about that. On page 67, about two-thirds of the way down the page it says when we saw our faults we listed them and placed them before us in black and white. Not specific. It does not say black ink and white paper. Clearly that could be black paper in white ink. And I'm good either way. And if there's anything that we do this weekend that Bob would change, it's this piece right here. He thinks I'm nuts, which I think is great. And i think it's insane and I absolutely insist on it. And my theory is that we're going to do what this thing says. We're going to exactly what it says because the first time I let myself off the hook, it could be the thing that would have saved my life. I believe that the four-step needs to be done on white paper with black ink or black pencil or on black paper with white ink. And I've sponsored two men so far that went to the art store, got black paper, pens that wrote white. I'm good with it. That works for me. I'm going either way. I think the easy way is to get out of the drugstore and get a spiral notebook with white paper in it and a pen that writes black ink, or a pencil is just fine. And on the inside cover, I like for them to write something like, this is my fourth step. Please respect me by putting it down. If I find you with it, I will kill you and hide your body. Something subtle and yet that makes your point. That there is no excuse for someone else to have this in their hands and then we take responsibility for making it so they can't get it in their hand or at least make it hard. And then we turned the page and considered the two pages we're looking at one page. The way I understand this thing, I use a four column inventory. We put a 1 above the margin in the left-hand page, a 2 above the center of the left hand page, and a 3 and a 4 split the right hand page about half and half. And then this is the format that I want to use. It says we listed. That's a list. They They run down the page, listed people, institutions or principles of whom we were angry. On your first one I want a list of absolutely everybody and everything you have ever been angry about, ever. And the rule is when in doubt write it out. Even if you're sure you've forgiven them I don't care on the first one. I want it listed. And this is the way I like to do this thing. If you have an eight-hour-a-day job, 40 hours a week, and a 30-minute commute to work, that's 45 hours gone out of your week. If you get eight hours of sleep a night, that's 56 more. If you go to seven meetings a week – and I can't see why you don't – add a little driving time and get there a little early instead of a little late, it's another 15 hours. Three hours a day for recreation, a round of golf, play some tennis, something like that. Two hours a year to mow the lawn, do your melon list. Honey, do this. Honey, doing that. you know the melon list. Five hours a week reading spiritual literature, including two pages a day in the big book. Three hours a year bathing and shaving, taking personal hygiene. Four hours a day a date with your wife if you're fortunate enough to still have one. If you're not, maybe coach a little league team, something like that. Five hours a month on the telephone with me and some other men whose names I will give you. I want you immersed in a fellowship of people. This is how I sponsored guys. I'm going to tell you what to do. Twelve hours a week cooking and eating. One hour a week shopping for groceries, getting a haircut, that sort of thing. Five hours a week in prayer and meditation. Nine hours a weeks watching television. That's three ball games. That ought to be enough. If you add that all up it's 165 hours. There are only 168 hours in a week. You've got three hours left. I want half. This is what I believe That this recovery process should not have a negative impact on any other major aspect of my life. It should be very inconvenient at times, but it shouldn't have a positive impact on my job, my marriage, my religion. Any of the major parts of my live should not be having a major impact, so I can't take time away from those. This varies a lot. I sponsored a guy who I still sponsor him, but at the time we were doing this work. His wife had a great job. He was a stay-at-home dad with a one-year-old. And five days a week while she's at work, his one-year-old takes a nap from 1 in the afternoon until 3. I don't want an hour and a half a week from him. I want 10 hours. I don' t see why I can' t have it. And then let' s negotiate. I'm willing to talk about it. But I'm only willing to on the front end. What I've found is that I get reasons on the back end. I get excuses on the right end. Big difference. So rule of thumb, I want about an hour a week. the last fellow I took through this work we based on the way his life lays out he was doing three or four forty five minute periods a week that's the way he was doing it what we agreed to when I set out to do my first four-step I gave myself responsibility for completing a four step that was my job put me in perfect position to hate myself till it was over I think it's a bad mindset I think it far far better to sit down with a sponsor agree on amount of time I should spend each week based on what my week looks like and then spend that time on it, I can feel good while I'm in process. And I think we felt bad long enough. So for a rule of thumb, I use three 30-minute periods. I want them scheduled. Monday, Wednesday, and Friday, not a schedule. Monday 6 p.m. to 6.30 p. m., that's a schedule, I want him to call me every Sunday, I wanna know what the schedule is. and, oh, gee, I didn't know the kid had a Little League game and I couldn't do it Monday night from 6 to 6.30 and I slipped it to 10 to 10.30. I don't even need a phone call on that. But like anything else that's important on my calendar, it's not subject to cancellation. It could get moved. Shouldn't be much movement. There could be some. And then you can feel good about yourself while you're in process. I like the format to be a 30-minute period or longer. The first five minutes in prayer and meditation, let's ask God for clarity of mind to find what we're supposed to find and the courage to write it down and then whatever else you're comfortable with. But let's get God involved in this thing. I also tell them that you are not going to do the perfect four-step. If you take responsibility for doing the perfect fourth step, if this is your only four-stepp, you've got to do it perfectly, can't do it at all. At least I couldn't. So you have my permission to do a poor four-steps. Here's another gift from my home group. Anything worth doing is worth doing poorly as I learned to do So you had my permission to do a lousy four-step. We are not saving a special alcove at Akron at the AA Hall of Fame for your four-stepped, and our home group does not give a trophy every year for the best four- step, and this is the trophy that we do not give. This is the Trophy you are not going to get. If you're too far back to read it, it says, Four-Step Trophy Never Awarded. This is a trophy you ain't getting, all right? And what this is, and you can have your photo made with us later if you like um what this is is permission to not do it perfectly so that you can't do it the other thing i do is as soon as he gets started on it i get a hold of his four-step and i got a red pen i give him his grade on the inside cover just under whatever he wrote f minus big red f minus you're gonna have to do it again and so that means we don't have to do it because if i sponsor you sometime in the six next six to nine months you're going to be taken a new guy through these steps again yourself, you're going to go with him. So let's sit down this first session. Let's pray a little bit and then let's start writing down names. And the format is going to be left-hand column, left- hand page only. Write a name, skip a line. Write a name. Skip a line, write a name skip a line all the way to the bottom of the page. When you get to the bottom of page turn the page and write one, two, three, four across the top and continue to do them. If you write on the right-hand page you're not going to have room to do the other columns that are going to be necessary. So that's what the format looks like. And I like them to just spit them, the first. Just sit down and just anybody that's ever made you mad, write them down. Anybody, anything. Put down all your family members, just trust me, put them down . At least one major political party, a number of major political figures, probably a religion or two, maybe a branch of the military, many of your former teachers, most of your friends, spit them. You get to the bottom of the page, turn and just keep them coming. When they slow down, I worked with a guy a number of years ago and he's sober about eight years now. He said, I think I've only got three or four. And I said, well trust the process and just sit down. He got 60 out of his first 30 minute session. So when you can sit for 30 seconds or so and not think of something else then let's take a look at the bottom of page 65. The first sentence below the example says we went back through our lives. So that indicates that we use what I call a reverse First chronology. It means we're going to begin with today. Where do I live? Where do I work? Who do I with? Where's my home group? Where is my recreation, etc.? And then going back through my life, where's the last place that I lived and who did I live with and where did I work, etc., and search that prayerfully for anything that ever made you angry while you were in that process. Anything. Even if you're sure you've forgiven them. And the rule is when in doubt, write it out. The book says that resentments will destroy you. So let's see what the penalty would be. Here's one I'm not sure about. If I write it down and it turns out later it wasn't a resentment, I will be out a little bit of ink, a little bit of paper in three or four seconds. If it was a resentment and I don't get it down here, it will destroy me. Which one of those penalties do you favor? I'm kind of into the the three seconds and a little ink and paper. So the rule is when in doubt, write it out. Let's get them down there. Don't put any names down more than once. You may do that unintentionally. And I said what I like to do is to write one name, skip one line. For those of you who have looked ahead and realized that column two is going to be what they did and you're planning to save 15 pages for your father, the answer is write one named, skip on line, and don't write his name down twice because we're not here to feed this resentment. That's not what this is about. I got a phone call a number of years ago on a Sunday night from a member of my home group. He said, I had a fight with my boss on Friday and I've been forthstepping about him all weekend and I'm crazy. She hadn't been forthsteping. She'd been taking his inventory, writing about all this rotten stuff he was and just feeding this thing. Just made her nuts. That's not what this is about. So when we get the first few sessions, just writing them. And then from there going back through our lives. At this point, I like to suggest you carry writing materials because you're going to be walking through the grocery store and look at the cantaloupe and say, oh, yeah, his head looked just right down. And we'll add that one to the list. We're not going to get them all this time anyway. It's not the mission. When you get to your earliest memory, we're finished with column 1. Is it complete? No. But it's as complete as it's going to been for now. Then we look for the second direction. This is the next sentence. We asked ourselves why we were angry. We take a look at the facing page 65 at the example. It says, I'm resentful at Mr. Brown, the cause. His attention to my wife told my wife of my mistress, Brown may get my job at the office. If you begin with office and work backwards and count the words under cause. Anybody got a number? 19 words. If you go forward, you'll skip of and to, and you won't get 19. 19 words. Let's take a look at what this man did. He is messing with this guy's wife. Brown is messing mit his wife. He has told his wife about his girlfriend. I bet that was a pleasant evening. And he's trying to get him fired. He got 19 words, all right? So this is a summary, all Right? Column two does not begin with, it was a rainy Thursday afternoon. right? No, that's way too much detail. It says things like left me for another guy, screwed me in a business deal next to high school football coach, didn't play me as much as I deserved, left me für another guy. Screwed me in the business deal. Left me für another guy there are patterns if you look for them. It's short and then and I also like to say that and so what you have is you have the name and then you have the room all the way over to the spiral, and then you have the whole line below it over the spiral to write this in which you can get 19 words or fewer. And I don't set this completely in stone. I tell them if you've got someone that's done more to you than this brown guy has done, you need to count – write the 20th word, call me, and we'll negotiate. I'll be glad to talk about it. Now, I'll tell you I've never given up the 20-th word. I'm willing to talk about it. I'll tell you the rest of the truth, I've never been called. You wouldn't call me, would you, after that? No, I guess not. So let's get it, because we don't want to feed this thing. If you can spend enough time in column two, you can make yourself very, very sick. So we work down the page again. One of the hardest things there will be to do now is to work down a line and work down on the page. We're Americans. We don't work top to bottom. We work left to right. It will be very difficult for you if you've never done one this way, to write a name and not write what they did. I recommend very strongly for two reasons that you don't do that. The first one, and the best one, is the book says we listed, and lists run down pages. The second reason is I think you'll find if you write the name and then write what they did, it will make this resentment flare, and we're not trying to make it do that, and working vertically, it seems to me it's much more analytical. It doesn't tend to bring those feelings up. They're going to come, but not nearly so strongly. Finish column two. Column three, 65, top of the page on our grudge list. We said opposite each name our injuries was at hour. Self-esteem, security, ambitions, personal or sex relations which have been interfered with. Five part multiple choice. Some will only get one. Some will get two or three. Some may get all five. Some you may not be able to figure out. Call your sponsor and ask them. They'll help you see why it was self-esteem. In the first one, it almost always is. We don't see it very clearly sometimes, but if you can't find one, that's probably it. And then that's column three. And then for me, the power in this step lies between the third and fourth columns. It is this portion that we're going to come to right now that calls for no writing whatsoever. Beginning at the bottom of page 65, nothing counted but thoroughness and honesty. And I ask them, were you thorough? Were you honest? Take your best shot here? It'll be good enough. When we were finished, we considered it carefully. So now they're going to tell us how to consider it. We're now going to do some analysis on what we've written so far. It says the first thing apparent was that this world and its people were often quite wrong. Now the chances are if you're like me, you have spent the last several years on bar stools with the other great philosophers of our era discussing this very thing. So we're not going to need to give this a lot of time. Probably got this one pretty well in place. I don't want to spend a lot of time with it. To conclude that others were wrong was as far as most of us ever got. The usual outcome was people continued to wrong us and we stayed sore. Is that your experience? Sometimes it was remorse, we were sore at ourselves. For me, that was the worst one. But the more we fought and tried to have our own way, the worse matters got us in war. The victor only seemed to win. Our moments of trauma were short-lived. And then it says, it is plain that a life which includes deeply resentment leads only to futility and unhappiness. Is that plain? Have you ever seen a life that was happy, joyous, free, and full of deep resentment? It's a combination I've never seen. So what I ask for if I'm going to take someone through these 12 steps is do you want what the people who wrote this book had? And what they had was long-term, which to someone new, that's long- term, productive, happy recovery. Is that what you're looking for? If it is, then what I ask is that when they say they prayed something, you'll stop and pray it. When they say their wrote something, your stop and write it. When they said they observed something, will stop and endeavor to observe it. You may or may not be able to but you will try. And here's an observation that lives which include deep resentment lead only to futility and unhappiness. This is the second indictment of resentment. It says, to the precise extent that we permit these, do we squander the hours that might have been worthwhile? Squander means to just throw away. Did you ever waste time? Did you every sit in class and hate somebody when you should have been listening? Did you never lay awake at night planning their demise when you shouldn't have been sleeping? Did you squander hours that may have been worth while? Is this true for you? But with the alcoholic whose hope, all right, we're going to tell you what your hope is, is the maintenance and growth of a spiritual experience. Growth means what I already have may not be sufficient. I have to continue to be in a growth mode. I don't ever get it all. Maintenance, I think, means two things. Maintenance means I can't afford to lose something I've already got. But it also means I must maintenance my spiritual experience and my spiritual condition in the same sense that I maintenance my vehicle. I keep the front end aligned. I've got the right pressure in the tires. I change the oil. I vacuum it. I wash it. I check the radiator for the right amount of fluid. So I maintenance my spiritual condition, prayer, meditation, sponsoring guys, having a sponsor, taking meetings in the jails, prisons, and treatment centers, letting people in in traffic, being faithful to my wife. I maintenance My Spiritual Condition. That's what that says to me. Our hope is the maintenance and growth of a spiritual experience. This business of resentment is infinitely grave. I love the language, infinitely grave! I think we just killed you. We're going to count them. We're gonna kill you seven times on this page. Here's the second one. We found that it is fatal. I went to the man that carried me through the steps the first time. I hadn't seen him in a couple of years. I was sober six years. I ran into him and I said, I'm scared and I need to ask you a question. And I said do you remember? And I named the guy and he said if anyone you sponsor commits suicide you'll always remember them. And I said, when I was sober two years, he was also. We were within about 60 days of the same sobriety date. We had the same home group where I saw him five, eight, nine times a week. We had to go to the same place. We had that same sponsor, you. And with two years sober, this guy drove home from a meeting one night and pulled in the garage and dropped the door and left it running. Took his own life sober two year. And I can't find the difference between me and him, and I'm scared. What's the difference? And he said, I couldn't get him to do a fourth step and he died of resentment and killed him. And I thought about it. I've talked to other people that knew him in that era who have all agreed. Every time you saw this guy, he could not wait to run up to you to tell you what some SOB had just done to him. He was a perennial victim. And it's my experience that the victims do not get sober. And we're going to talk about on this page and the next one stepping out of the victim role and how to do that. But I want you to know that when the book says here, we found that it is fatal i witnessed it i've seen it more than once it's just the example i'm going to give says for in harboring such feelings doesn't when having them i think i'm okay if i have a resentment if i'm not harbaring it we're going to talk about how to not harbor means to give a safe place to to nurture so we're gonna find out later on here how to non-harbor says for when harbors such feelings we shut ourselves off from the sunlight of the spirit the incentive alcohol returns we drink again well that's to drink is to yeah let's kill you again if we were to live oh we killed you again this is only for the ones that want to live everybody else can go ahead and go to lunch early if we weren't to live we had to be free of anger the grouch and the brainstorm were not for us i was very confused about that sentence and um this is what i've learned about the time this book was being written one of the most creative men i guess that ever lived, sat his creative team down and he taught them to spit out ideas and hitchhike and his name was Walt Disney and that's how they wrote Mickey Mouse cartoons. And he labeled his process Brainstorming. Has absolutely nothing to do with the word brainstorm printed here in the big book. I got a dictionary from the 1930s and looked up brainstorm. It said transient, violent, mental outburst. That's rage. That is rage. So there are two kinds of it has nothing to do with the creative process. So they're two kinds of anger. There's the grouch or the slow burn and the brainstorm, rage. I hope that helped. It helped me a ton. It says they're not for us. They may be the dubious luxury of normal men. But for alcoholics, these things are poison. Yeah, we killed you again. We turn back to the list and isn't that interesting? Now, we haven't been looking at the list. We've been making some extremely valuable observations here. We haven't written anything and we haven' t been looking on our list. It says we turned back to our list for it held the key to the future. Does that mean if I don't find the key of the future, I don' have a future? Yes. That's exactly what that means. It says, we were prepared to look at it from an entirely different angle. Different from what? Well, the last time we actually looked at the list was at the bottom of the preceding page where it said the first thing apparent was that this world and people were often quite wrong. We haven't looked at the list since then. And it said we're prepared to looking at it from entirely different angle and I figured now we're going to look for my part in it. Well, strangely enough we're never going to look for my part in it. I think that's the most damaging misquote I've ever heard over what goes on here. We're never going to Look for My Part, doesn't call for that. It says, we began to see that the world and its people really dominated us. So I'd like for them to take a 30 minute session. Let's have a look down this list and see how this stuff dominates you. Did you lay awake at night? Did you sit in class and hate them? Did your father beat you down to the point where at 60 years old you still have a problem with authority figures on occasion? Did somebody harm you and you planned your life so you'd never be around them so they couldn't get you again? Or did they harm you, and you planned your lives so you would be around as much as you could so if they made a mistake you could make sure everybody knew? Let's have a look and see how these things dominated you. That's what it says. I think about 30 minutes ought to be plenty. Then it says in that state, that's the state of being dominated by these resentments, the wrongdoings of others fancied or real. Fancy? Does that mean some of this only happened in my head? Yep, that's what that means. Bob is going to give you a great example on that. It says had the power to actually kill. Oh we just killed you again. I love it. How could we escape? And here's one of the most important observations I guess the book has. It say we saw that these resentments must be mastered. It's popular in my part of the country to say there are no musts in the program. Well here's 1 of them. They must be master. Do you see that? They see it. Do you see it? I'm a salesman by trade. That's what Bill was, and I'm not claiming this is what he was doing, but this is the best sales pitch I ever saw. A good salesman will never mention price until he's established value. We just killed you seven times on this page. Is that sufficient value? I hope it is because the price is very high and we can't give you the price first. We got to make sure you know you need this. And then it says we could not wish them way any more than alcohol. This was our course. We realized that the people who wronged us were perhaps spiritually sick. My mentor defined spiritually sick as cut off from God. I'm not going to call on anybody when I ask you to do something. Bring into your mind, if you would, the one or two worst things you ever did. Got them? Weren't you spiritually sick to have done that? Wern't you cut off from God by your own hand, but weren't you cutoff from God? Had you been walking in the sunlight of the Spirit in conscious contact with this gentle, loving, laughing God? Could you have done that now? Probably wouldn't have thought of it, would you? No. You were spiritually sick when you did that. I was spiritually sick. When I did those things, I did. And so it asked me to realize Look at my hands for a minute, if you would. I must realize that these people were perhaps spiritually sick. I can know something, but when I realize it, it becomes real for me. And what I like to do with this particular one is I like to ask them to pray the list once, to sit in five minutes in God's presence talking about the worst things that you've ever done and how you crave his forgiveness and ask him to help you realize that these people were perhaps spiritually sick. And now let's pray the list once. First name on the list, Fred. God, please help me realize that Fred was not an SOB. He was just sick when he did those things to me. Second name onthe list, Mary. God, help me realized that Mary is not an evil person. She was just spiritually sick when she did those thingsto me. Pray the list one. It didn't ask you to mean it. It asked you to do it. This is the beginning of the forgiveness process. My sponsor told me, he said, what you want is mercy for you and justice for everybody else. And the package here is mercy for everybody or justice for everybody. You are part of everybody and you get to choose. And I'm not in a position to face justice. And so I've chosen mercy for everybody. No exceptions. And that's where this process begins. Top of page 67. Though we did not like their symptoms and the way these disturbed us they, like ourselves, are sick too. The symptom of their spiritual sickness is what they did. The way it disturbs me is my resentment. And then here's the great truth again. They, like ourselves were sick too, and then here is a prayer. We ask God to help us show them the same tolerance, pity, and patience that we would cheerfully grant a sick friend. That's what we're going to do. I want you to know that I very prayerfully approach what I'm about to do most of my mentors get sober on the second edition. This was not in it. Page 551 back in the more will be disclosed section. The lady's talking, this freedom from bondage is a very powerful story. Bottom of page 551, if you're in a third edition, I think it's at the top of 552. As the paragraph begins with one morning. So one morning, however, I realized I had to get rid of it. The it is a resentment against her mother for my reprieve. A repriever is a stay of execution. That's another death threat. My reprieved was running out. If I didn't get rid of it, I was going to get drunk and I didn' t want to get drunk anymore. And my prayers that morning, I asked God to point out to me some way to be free of this resentment. During the day, a friend of mine brought me some magazines to take to a hospital group I was interested in. I looked through them. A banner across one featured an article by a prominent clergyman in which I caught the word resentment. Before I go on, I want to make an observation. I want to look at the sequence of events. Item one, she sees something about herself that needs some work. Now, I didn't say there was something wrong with her. I don't think there's anything wrong with any of us. I think we're God's kids. There's some things about us could use some work, but I think were like faceted gemstones, like a diamond has different sides that are called facets. Some of the facets are already polished and shaped beautifully, and some are just started, and some aren't started at all, and that doesn't matter. We're still gemstones. What matters is that I'm working on the facet that's in front of me today. I think that's what matters. So she sees something about herself that needs work. She prays about it. Now, I like to add talk to a spiritual advisor that's not here, but in the sequence I liketo use that. And then what does she do? She does not stay focused on the problem. She got involved in doing something for somebody else. She got focused. She's taking magazines in to try to help some people in a hospital. And her answer fell out of the sky on her. And I want you to know that I believe that's a predictable sequence of events. I see something about me that needs some work, I pray about it, I talk to a spiritual advisor about it. I get focused helping you doing something for somebody else and I come out and my answer's laying on the hood of the car. You can bet it. It will happen. It's an astonishing process that happens over and over again. I love pointing that out to guys I sponsor when I see it happen for them. Okay, continuing on page 552. He said in effect, if you have resentment you want to be free of. Did we make our sale? Do you want to be free? We killed you seven times. If you will pray for the person or thing you resent, you'll be free. If you'll ask in prayer for everything you want for yourself to be given to them, you'llbefree. Ask for their health, their prosperity, their happiness, youllbefree, even when you don't really want it for them and your prayers are only words and you don' t mean it. Go ahead and do it anyway. All right, it goes on to say that'll work in two weeks. Well, you got 162 resentments. I wouldn't count on that. My experience has been it takes a little bit longer, although I have seen it go very quickly, that's not the norm. So I like to take what I've learned there back on 67 and add those two prayers together, and I wind up praying for both people involved. The one on 67, I'm praying for me. God help me show them the same tolerance, pity, and patience I'd cheerfully grant a sick friend. On the other prayer, I am praying for them. So this is what it might look like. First name on the list, Fred. Well, beginning of the session, five minutes of prayer and meditation about the worst things I've ever done, how I crave God's forgiveness. First name on the list, Fred. God, please help me grant, show Fred the same tolerance, pity, and patience I would cheerfully grant a sick friend. And I pray that he gets promoted at work, that his hair doesn't fall out, and that his kids go to school on scholarship and don't give him any trouble, and that his wife is a fabulous lover and that he wins the tennessee lottery and that he has a big spiritual experience and walks in the sunlight of the spirit and that his lawn grows lush and green but it grows so slowly he only has to mow it once a year i think the more creative you can be the better hang it out over the edge and then having prayed that and what did that take 15 or 20 seconds maybe 30 then there's a simple question the question is do you mean that that's not an essay question that's yes or no either meet it or you don't. If the answer is no, I really recommend you move on to the next name. If the answer's yes, put a check mark in the column and move to the next name and we're going to go all the way through to the end. We get to the end, we're gonna start over with the first name that doesn't have a check mark and we are going to do this till it's done and I don't care how long it takes. If there's something we do that's more important than this, I don' know what it is. This is my experience. The English language has it wrong. We use the verb forgive is like something i can do like i can give you this pen but i can't forgive you i don't have the power forgive isn't something i do it's something i receive that i think of resentment as ice around my heart and the ice has a thickness and i believe the thickness is based on the severity of the event how long ago it was and how much i've nurtured and what i do here is i hold the icy heart up to the sunlight of the spirit and sunlight will melt ice depending maybe on the thickness of the ice and how close and how long I can hold it, I don't know. But I know that the process very simply works. It takes some time. And the last fellow I took to this work took about three months. Runs usually anywhere from two to about six months. I really don't care how long it takes. I don' t know of anything more important than we do. We close a lot of meetings with a prayer that has a phrase in it that says forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those. I believe that says God if I don''t forgive them don't you forgive me i think that's just exactly what that says i mean this is beyond life or death for me this portion here i got here locked up like this and what you've taught me to do is to open up to receive the gifts that have always been here it's never been god's inability to give it's been my inability to receive and this is about so when i forgive you i haven't done something i have received something if that didn't make sense i'd really love to talk to you at the break this is my passion. This is where I've seen more lives changed than anywhere else. That this forgiveness process, when you get this done, it is an astonishing thing. That you feel lighter, your body is different. You see people in meetings that are grinning when nobody else is? They're not nuts. They've laid down that burden. The poison's not in there anymore and they find a lot of things funny. That's just what happens. There's this massive change that happens that we open ourselves up to. I hear people say the only thing I could changes me if i could have changed me we'd have probably never met i can't change me what i can change are my actions this day and therein lies a tremendous amount of power so i still want them working 30 minute sessions but i want you praying in the shower driving the car whenever you think about one of these people we can't do this too much i think there's a great misconception also and that's about the word acceptance acceptance does not have to include approval we are not asking you to approve of what these people did to accept it. Acceptance is when I stop on a heart level fighting something over which I have no power. That's acceptance. I don't have to approve it to accept. A significant portion of us were abused as children. If you're abused as a child, I want you to know that what they did was wrong, that you did not deserve it. It will always be wrong. Shame on them." And I'm very, very sorry that that happened to you and the little child did not deserve that or earn it in any way, shape or form. And it will always an ugly, ugly thing. So we're not asking you to approve of these things. Not at all. But I've got to dig this poison out of my soul. And I was an abused child. If somebody needs to talk about that, I'd be happy to at a break because Nothing happens in here when I tell you that. I got clean on all of this stuff. It's an astonishing process. It takes some time, and I want them focused on it when we check off the last name. And it usually happens in the two- to four-, five-, sometimes six-month neighborhood. It takes Some Time. Then we move from there. Continuing at the top of page 67. And here are my marching orders from now on. When a person offended, we said to ourselves, this is a sick man, how can I be helpful to him? God save me from being angry, thy will be done. There's yet another prayer. Then it says we avoid retaliation or argument. We wouldn't treat sick people that way. If we do, we destroy our chance of being helpful. Isn't that interesting? Top of page 77. Have you noticed, those of you who read the big book regularly or frequently will realize that they constantly sneak into your bedroom and change stuff in the book. This is something, they added this about two years ago. I swear it wasn't there. 77, third line. Our real purpose is to fit ourselves to be a maximum service to God and the people about us. For the longest time that said to me my job was to be of maximum service, and it doesn't say that at all. It says to fit myself to be in maximum service. I'm my work. I've got to get this forgiveness process in place. I have to do the things daily to keep me walking the spiritual path, and then I get used. I don't use me. Page 67, continuing. We cannot be helpful to all people, but at least God will show us how to take a kindly and tolerant view of each and every one. How's that for a promise? These people that hurt you, that you will learn to take a kindly intolerant view of each and everyone. Bob's going to reemphasize that in this next session. He's got some beautiful stories that he tells on that. I'm going to continue for a couple more minutes and we'll go eat. Referring to our list again, putting out of our minds the wrongs others have done, let me ask you a question. How are you going to put out of your mind the wrong they've done if you still hate them? I don't believe it can be done. I don't think I can follow that direction until I get this forgiveness thing in place. That's my story. We resolutely looked, not for our part in it, but for our own mistakes. There's a massive difference between my part and my mistake. If I say I'm looking for my part, I'm also saying somebody else has got a part. If I've done these prayers, there aren't any parts. And the question is what were my mistakes? Where have we been selfish, dishonest, self-seeking, or frightened? That little list is all over the book, and we're going to take a minute and chase it. Let's take a look at the page 84. Two-thirds of the way down the page, 84. Continue to watch for selfishness, dishonesty, resentment and fear. Top of page 86. When we retire at night, we constructively review our day. Were we resentful, selfish, dishonest or afraid? Top of page 88. Am I going fast enough? Okay. Top of Page 88, slightly different list, pretty much the same. Second line, were then in much less danger of excitement, fear, anger, worry, pity or foolish decisions. Page 145. Paragraph begins on the center of the page. The greatest enemies of us alcoholics are resentment, jealousy, envy, frustration and fear. That was 145, center ofthe page. The list varies slightly but the concepts remain the same continuing on page 67. These These things are about the emergence of self, that this selfishness, self-centeredness continues to be the problem. And the way that I find that self is back in the four is that one of those is back into the game again. I hear people say it's a selfish program. It's a selfish disease. Selfish means I want it my way and I don't care if it hurts you. Dishonest, I'm managing the results. I really don't what the price is. Self-seeking, I just want it my way, and frightened as I'm concerned I may not get it my way. It says though a situation had not been entirely our fault we tried to disregard the other person involved entirely. That's so important they tell me that twice in this paragraph. I can't do it if I still hate them. Where were we to blame? The inventory was ours, not the other man's. When we saw our faults we listed and placed them before us in black and white. I think there are a lot of right ways to do this paragraph, I think. There are a lot of really good ways to do it. I'm a fourth column guy. If we use the fourth column and put down what our mistake was, it's going to make step eight really easy. So that's what I like to do. And again, I think there are a lot of great ways to do this. And then it says, strangely enough, we admitted our wrongs honestly and were willing to set these matters straight. That sounds very much like step eight to me. My priority isn't what I say it is. My priority is what I do. If I want to know what my priorities are, I do not listen to my words about the future. I look at my actions in the recent past. What was accomplished was a priority. What wasn't accomplished was not a priority and anything I say to the contrary is a lie that I'm telling me and I hated that when I first heard it because I was saying a bunch of things were priorities and I wasn't doing anything about them. And I think this fourth step is about doing things about them, that they've taught us now how to not harbor, was first to real eyes, to see it through my real eyes that these people like me were spiritually sick and to go through this prayer process so that I can receive the gift of not hating you anymore. I claim that I want to have a relationship with God. I can't walk around hating His kids. I'll tell you right now, you want to have a relationship with me and hate my children? That's not going to work, is it? No chance at all. Same concept. There was a guy who was a Ph.D. psychologist, and he was also an ordained minister in one of the fairly mainline Protestant faiths. He was a Presbyterian Methodist somewhere along in there. there. And he was the chaplain of an insane asylum and he got an idea one day and he asked the inmates in the asylum a single question. He said, would you rather be right or would you rather free? Overwhelmingly the inmates of the insane asylum said they would rather be right. You know back when I was nuts I'd have rather been right too and today I'd rather be free. And I'm convinced they're opposites. They're exact and perfect opposites, and free. I get to pick one. And I've discovered for myself the source of all of my anger comes from when I'm right. I have never been angry when I wasn't also right. I have been right when I was not angry, but I've never been angry when it wasn't right. When I step out of the business of being right, I find I don't tend to get angry. When believe that you're operating from a good motive, even though I think you're making a mistake, I don't tend to be angry with you. And I need to step out of the anger business. The book says it's going to kill me.