Direct Amends and Step Inventories – R., Charlie P., Katie P. London PPBBS 6/26/10 Workshop – Part 3 of 3 – Chris

All right. I was looking for Charlie. I'm Katie, Katie Alcoholic. My family calls me Kate. I'd rather have Charlie do more of eight and nine, although I've got plenty of experience. I just like the way he words a lot of it. I will tell you one of the things that Mark Houston always said that really rocked my world was in the eighth step, or in the ninth step, it said made a list of all persons we had harmed, excuse me, in the eight. The word all is a very powerful word, and that means I've got to go back to all, and one of the things that you'll hear in most meetings is a term called living amends, and that to me, you know, inthe twelfth step it says practice these principles in all our affairs, That, to me, is what a living amends would look like if we have to use that term, is that I am just acting like a sober member of the world today. There is no such thing as a living amend. Chris puts it also another way, is if you stole somebody's TV, they don't care that you're not stealing TVs anymore. They want their TV back, right? And the truth of the matter is that Mark used to say, how free do you want to be? And if you are resistant on making these amends, the truthofthe matter is what do you know that you don't know? How do youknowwhatyoudon'tknow? And you have to go back and trust the process. I really wish my husband was here. I was going to jump into 10. can I jump to 10 and have Charlie come do 8 and 9 yeah he just words it better than I do I just get all bobbly but the truth is I made a 35 year old amends a couple of weeks ago to an old boyfriend that I basically left at the altar and it was the most moving experience I have ever had in Alcoholics Anonymous and I always knew in my heart I needed to make this amends to this guy I mean I basically after being with him for 3 years just walked away, told him I needed a little break and then left town. Yeah. You know and most people would say oh you know it's been so long you don't have to go back there and do that. Oh I knew deep, you know that feeling, deep. I needed to go clean that up. I called him and he said yeah it's Kate Osterhill and he goes no shit. Yeah. And when I met with him, we had lots of tears. Lots of tears and it was moving and it was unbelievable. Absolutely unbelievable. I would have missed that had I not ever met Mark Houston. You know that? Yeah. If I never had somebody really talk to me like that and really wake me up, I would've missed that. There's so many things in this book that we'd miss. So I'm just gonna jump to 10 and Charlie's going to come back and Chris do theirs. I love the 10th step, guys. I believe a lot of misconceptions in the 10 step. I believe the 12 and 12, which I think is a good piece of literature, has a tendency to stand in the way of the great. You know? Oh, God, you take a beating for that statement. What are you saying? The 12 and 11 is not okay? No, I think the 12 is good. it just has a tendency to stand in the way of the great and the great is the big book there you are honey and so the reason why is because for me there's lots of really good things it's an essay, it tells us that our basic text is the most important but one of the things is in the 10th step in the 12 and 12 it talks about an evening review and what he's doing is he's dissecting the different types of inventories when he's talking about them in the 12 and 12 in the 10th step I mean in the in the 12 and12 they're talking about the different types of inventors that are taking the 4th step the 10st step and the 11th step right those are all inventory steps are we all in agreement on that and so a lot of people have a tendency to believe that the 10 step is the evening review which is clearly the 11 step in the big book Now, some people go, well, I mean, 10th step, 11th step whatever. Oh my God, what's going to happen to our 12th step program if we go, oh whatever, oh, well you know what we meant by that. No, the 10th Step is a spot check inventory to be taken in the midst of, yes? And so here's the deal, behind the 10 step it's on page 84, right? Once again, continue, continue continue. It says this thought brings us to the 10 steps which says we continue to take personal inventory continue to set right any new mistakes as we go along and it also tells us before that that we don't stop doing the ninth step right we're going to continue the ninth steps going to go on forever i mean i've met very few people who have actually completed their ninth step you know more stuff just keeps bubbling up so i at this point have not completed my ninth step and uh it says uh we vigorously commence this way of living as we cleaned up the past there's our line we entered the world of the spirit. Our next function is to grow in understanding and effectiveness. Growing in understanding and effectiveness, man I ask for that every day in prayer and meditation because I'm telling you what guys, I can become, Charlie said I'm as subtle as a punch in the mouth. I mean, he said sometimes talking to me too is like trying to take a drink out of a fire hose. You know, I just come out and just you know, that is not always growing in understanding of effectiveness. I am sure I've already pissed off some of y'all in here. You know, it's like, oh, come on, try. And I ask for that in my prayer and meditation. There's a lot of verbiage in 10 that I really do take to heart. And it says here it's not an overnight matter. You know? I'm going to work on this. But it tells me I got to watch for four things. And you got your book sitting right in front of you. It says to watch, not wait, which means they're going to be coming. Right? there's a big difference between waiting and watching because these things are going to come because that's in my dna it's selfishness dishonesty resentment fear and and here's the thing that cracks me up with my sponsees i tell them all the time i don't hear from them for oh a week or when they call they go i'm just checking in oh so you're checking in i'm calling my sponsor going man i am freaking out over here so or i am pissed how do i get in touch with this stuff and these sponsors are i'm just checking in it's been 14 days i said so you haven't had any selfishness dishonesty resentment or fair crop up what are you doing who are you talking to about these things because there's four things you got to do right first one is what ask what watch yes but ask god to remove it second talk to somebody immediately talk to somebody immediately make an amends if we have stepped on anyone's toes which usually happens if we haven't talked to somebody immediately, yeah? Stepping on toes right and left. And then we resolutely turn our thoughts to someone we can help, which basically is just getting me re-God-centered. It's getting me off of self-centeredness and re- God-centered, and it does take all four of those things to have that happen because otherwise, this is how I know when I've got to call my sponsor is if I'm 20 minutes in my head still thinking about it. I better pick that phone up. I'm not doing very well. Sometimes I can just ask God right away, especially if it's a fear. I can ask God to remove it immediately. That's how I can always tell when I'm spiritually fit is when my default setting is prayer. When I go right to prayer, when I go to thinking and thinking and then before you know it, man, I am driving and I got a whole shitstorm of cussing going on up there. How many of y'all know that one? Where, yeah, you're driving along and you're like, hey, nice to meet you. You know, and before you know it, man, I'm into dialogue. And the dialogue is having a life of its own. I said this and they said this and then this and then that. And then this. Now I better be picking the phone up pretty quick, man. Because I can't tell you how badly that spins out. And if you believe the first step, Oh man, I'll get so blocked. I'll be like, I'll just get so knotted up and then if I don't do an evening review to verify that I did in fact do the 10th step, I'll wake up the next morning with what? An emotional hangover. Just like the 12 and 12 says. I'll have an emotional hang over and I'll go through the day like this. People are like, how you doing? And then in about three days I really can't even remember what it was but before you know it I got the whole thing. It's just a, you know, and then I'm just walking along just kind of shooting everybody. Everybody's fucking me. My sponsor always likes to take me back to the line. Resentment is the number one offender. It destroys more alcoholics than anything else. She likes this part. From it stems all forms of spiritual disease. So you're talking about a vein that runs through me and this resentment, all of a sudden I'm getting restless. I'm getting irritable. I'm discontented. You know, I call business on the line. Now, I'm mad at Charlie, which happens frequently. I know that's really hard to believe that you'd be upset with your significant other, right? But we're having, you know, we had just one little, you know how quickly it gets out of hand, you have a quick little flare up? You know we're just tuning along, everything's fine. It's like a heel gave out on you, you Know, and you're down. and all of a sudden I'm walking around I am mad, I am mad, and then you know I haven't called my sponsor or whatever happens and then a day or two goes by and I don't really have the resolution I'd like for us to have in this disagreement and then I call some business and the woman on the other end of the line is a little short with me how many of y'all know that one well if you'd listen to what I'm saying you know And then I become a crazy gal on that phone. And she is getting everything based on what's going on with Charlie and I. See, that's what I'm talking about. We can't afford that. We alcoholics, we cannot afford this. Then, you know, so we've got the four things that we are watching for, very crucial. And then we've Got the Four Things We Are to Do. And I'm telling you what, my sponsees, when they call me, I go, there is no checking in, guys. I'm not a big fan of checking in. now I'm talking about the new guy you got some time if we haven't touched base in four or five days I'm all good with that but the guy that's got a couple of years there's no checking in you're so running on self will you just want to not feel guilty and stay in touch when people say when did you call your sponsor last yesterday I'm just like I'd like to have a video camera following you around see how well you're doing out there And Charlie and I have talked about that a lot. So then we go here, and we talk about love and tolerance of others is our code. Now, I tell you what, that term is used way too freely in AA. You know, like say if I'm standing there, and I'm really angry, and somebody goes, love and tolerances are code. Oh, I want to take you out, you know. Don't be lobbing that out when I'm struggling here. You know, you could lob out something like, wow, Kate, sounds like you're pretty resentful. Yeah, I am, weren't I? You know. Something like that. But the love intolerance is our code. You know? Like we're some Pollyanna crowd here. You know what I mean? That's the kind of stuff that makes me crazy. That is a promise. Love intolerance is not in my DNA, man. I'm not that gal. I mean, I've got to work very hard at these steps to have an entire psychic change to have love and tolerance. I'm all about blaming, right? Okay, you've got a nod some more, guys. Y'all are looking at me like, man, that bitch is crazy. You know what I mean? I mean I am in the right room, right. I didn't step into the PTA, did I? but see that's that's what goes on in this head man i mean i i i'm not kidding you i got some crazy stuff up there and that's so when i look at stuff and i go love intolerance that's got to be a promise you know because that's just not who i am it says and we've ceased fighting everything or any anything or anyone mark loved that term you know so if i'm fighting you or if i i love that Chris said earlier, judgment. Man, I'm judgmental. Wow. I mean, it's almost like somebody else's voice goes, who do they think they are? Where'd that come from? You know, and then I think, I mean I agree with you but the whole conversation is going on up there. You know what I mean? And wow. So then we come on up to 85 and when it talks about that position of neutrality, safe and protected. I tell my sponsees this all the time. Like they'll call me and go, oh, my God, you know, I mean, I don't know, you Know, this job situation, I'm all freaked out if I should do this or I should do that or, you Now, what should I do? And I go, ho, ho. You're doing the work, man. You are knee-deep involved in this process. You are in a position of neutrality. Safe and protected is there anything you can do about that right now? No. Have you done everything you can possibly do? Absolutely. Then you're in a position of neutrality. Safe and protected. Go call a drunk, go work with the drunk, and get out of yourself. Stop that chatter. That's just driven by fear, man. And that baby will take you down a hundred roads and you'll feel every feeling as if it were happening. Don't go there. Don't go there." Thank God she called me. That's what we're talking about. Don'T GO THERE, MAN. Let me walk you off the ledge how many of y'all know that feeling when you're on the ledge and yeah once again I can't hear God I need a drunk man somebody talk to me and you back them off that ledge just far enough to where you go okay I got it now that's that position of neutrality safe and protected and then you go carry the message because there's no more you can do right now okay that's all I wanted to say on 10 I guess I was out in the parking lot for the start of this one. I apologize. I'm returning a message from our daughter that had her grandson over at the pool. Is everything okay? Terrible problems, honey. Bubbles in the hot tub. Oh, grass. She was concerned about the cloudiness of the water and didn't want to. She didn't want to dunk our grandson in there. We just fired our pothead pool boy the last week. I'm sure you don't have pothead pool boys in Canada. But our daughter was afraid she was going to put our grandson in there and just pull out the bones. So I was having to talk her down, talk her now. Nice job on 10. I guess, am I doing 8 and 9? 8, 9, some 11. Okay, well. You know, we just finished doing six and seven. And I was talking with the guy during the break about the pace of working these steps. And I just have to keep going back to trying to do this as rapidly as I can. Because when we're working with this guy, I've got to keep pushing him through the work because I really believe that if I don't, I'm going to eventually relapse. If I don'T get in touch with this power and remove what's blocking me from this power, I'm gonna be real, you know, and we had a great talk with the guide here on the break And is Ian still here? Ian? No, the other one. McPherson, is that you? Did you write these two questions on the... He wanted to know what Katie meant when she said cows and cabbage. She said, well, that's an old text. When you tell somebody off, it's like we really told them how the cow ate the cabbage. It's just an old expression for letting somebody know what the real deal is and kind of telling them off. And then Stuck Like Chuck is another one that he was a little curious about. I don't know who Chuck is, but it just means S-O-L. Yeah, yeah. How did the cow eat that? Whose cabbage did that cow eat anyway? I mean, sometimes we forget about some of these little Texas colloquialisms. I had a friend that moved from California, and he would just write down the stuff we'd say in meetings because he just thought we were hilarious, you know. And, I mean., any time somebody would come off with some big Texas thing, he'd write it down. And one of his friends of ours, Richard from Texas, that he was in that book, Eat, Pray, Love, and he was on our home group and stuff. But he fished a lot, and he had this little spot that we called his honey hole. They had this one little spot that he would catch a lot of fish in, and a big bass is called a hog. Anybody heard that expression? Like if you catch a big, large mouth bass, they'll call it a hog Well, Tom, the guy that's always writing down our little Texas expressions, we're all standing around one day after the meeting and Jeff, who went to La Hacienda, he goes, I heard Richard jerked a hog out of his honeyhole the other day and Tom goes what we did the seven step prayer this is now we need more action right this is a program of action now we need more action without which we find that faith without works is dead you know why there's quotation marks around that thing it's because it's a direct quotation from the book of james out of the bible you know so i'm not a big bible guy but you know we're quoting outside literature here in the big book again you know i um anyway that's a whole nother topic i'm nicht going to go down but it's that's why those quotation marks and it says let's look at steps eight and nine now katie addressed this earlier, and we went to a big book study one time, and I thought, hot dog. We got a couple of real authorities here, and it was Mark Houston and Dave F., and I said, boy, we're going to run up, and because I had a couple of questions that were really bothering me. On page 70 and on page 76 are two different places where it says, we have a list of all persons we've harmed. At the end of the four-step, it says we have a list for the people we've harmed through our conduct, and they're ready to make amends to him. And I'm like, well, I don't really have that list from the fourth zip inventory. And then here again on 76, it says we have a list of all persons we have harmed. We made it when we took inventory and it troubled me a great deal because I'm not good at just blowing off lines here and there out of the big book. So I go to these guys and I go, but I wind up going to Dave and I go, why does it say we have a list of All Persons We Have Harmed? He goes, well, you know, he kind of blew me off. And he He says, oh, that's when he goes, you're trying to pick the black out of the pepper. And I go, I know how you feel when you said the cow ate the cabbage. I'm like going, okay, okay. So I go back and I sit down. And then the next meeting he goes – you know, but he says, but I'm anal. He goes, I've got to have answers for all this. It's all going to make perfect sense to me the next break. You know, here I come again. And I say, okay., how come you get to be anal but I am trying to pick the black out of the pepper you know and we still didn't really get an answer and then and then a little while later i didn't get a straight answer and i get i go up to him again it's the next break and i go okay let's do it like this you're sponsoring me and he goes okay when do i make my men's list and i still didn'T GET A STRAIGHT ANSWER but i mean this thing has been troubling me for a long time and i went to mark How many of you guys ever met Mark or listened to him talk? I love this guy, you know. And I go to Mark and he didn't want to hear a bunch of BS about it. He just goes, if you work with me, the fourth step and the eighth step are going to be two separate events. And I was like, okay. You know, I mean, I'll never forget the first time we met Mark. We were at this big book weekend. And this guy comes up and this cute little guy that was there in the deal. I mean, Mark picked on him the whole weekend, and he calls this guy up front, and he says, Brian, do you meditate? And the guy goes, well, I'm a truck driver. And he says sometimes I'll meditate when I'm driving the truck. You know when I am in the cab of the truck and I am driving the car? You know, I'll mediate, you know, stuff like that. And Mark goes, okay, Brian two things. In the future, when I ask you a yes or no question, i'm going to expect a yes or no response second of all and goes and now i'm gonna ask you whether or not you meditate and it's important for me for you to say no you know whoa oh no i skipped that part he goes he goes first of all when you're driving the truck we want you to be about driving the truck you know he goes we don't want you meditating when youre behind the wheel of a tractor trailer and then he goes so i'ma ask you again if you meditate i need for you to say no and katie and i were just like oh i'm so glad he didn't call me up there you know because i did more meditation that weekend than i'd done in in the previous years of hanging out you know so i mean i know what it's like to not be really up to my ears and this stuff eight and nine we hear a lot when we're talking about removing manifestations of self and that sort of thing if that's the drive of the work if it's the root of my problem which i'm starting to see more and more in this book. We talk a lot about, you know, we lose people in the fourth step, you know, and we lose when you get to the inventory process. That hadn't been my experience. If I don't have a driving step one experience, you're going to lose me in the eighth step. You're going lose me on the ninth step. Fourth step, we're still talking about my favorite topic in the forth step, right? We're talking about me. I may not want to talk about it but this is all stuff I did, you know. It's my resentments, my fears, my sex life, you know, that sort of thing. But when we get up to eight and you're telling me that I finally got a little crinkle in my pocket for the first time in years and you've got to tell me it's not mine and I've got give it to somebody else? I mean, Jamie is one of my favorite sponsors and I talked about Jamie from 100 Podiums. He's this guy that came up to me one time. I could see him coming at me from 50 feet away. He was pigeon-toed and wearing these shorts and he's got a ring in his nose and dreadlocks out to here and ink everywhere you can see and what's up dude and from 50 feet away I'm just like please God don't ask me to sponsor you and here it comes and I love this guy he's one of my best guys he'soneofmybestsoldiers when you see a guy like that hopeless alcoholic dope fan hope to die you know and have a step one experience this guy is on fire and has been for four years and i mean one of my most recent memories that he came into my office and he was mad at his wife he's mad at your wife and by god this time it is her fault it is not my fault it's her fault and he goes and i am not making amends to her unless you tell me to and then i will but um you You know, I'm like, that's my boy there, you know. But what got me started talking about James? You bet the eighth step. You're supposed to be on eight and nine. Well, I mean, it's just, you know, he went ahead. Well, Jamie, I got so many immense stories. One immense story is I watched this guy go from being this hopeless drunk in Detox, where I met him, to eventually flying up to Mount Olive, New Jersey from Texas to make amends for a 19-year-old warrant for his arrest to the county of Mount Olive. And he knew he could go to jail in that process, and he sat there at our kitchen table on Thursday night and said the only reason they'll put me in jail is if there's somebody in that jail. Is there somebody in that jail that I'm the only one that can get the message to them? That's not the power of Jamie. It's not the power of Charlie Parker. It's the power of God working through these steps in somebody's life. If you've never gotten to be a piece of some of that you're missing the real juice of this program I mean you talk about setting your ass on fire I mean that's when this deal gets really really cool so what I was just talking about though I'm going to bail on the oh I know what got me talking about Jamie yes oh one day he calls me up he's a musician you know if you couldn't tell from the dreadlocks and the ink and he goes I've been down looking at this new bass guitar you know and it's really and I go Jamie did you ever make amends for that studio you stole all that equipment from and you know already he knows where this is going and he goes no, no I didn't and I say to him that money you got in your pocket whose is it and he says well I guess it's theirs and I said you want to steal from them twice and he's like ok so he didn't buy the bass guitar He starts paying these guys back. That kind of willingness only comes from a rock-solid Step 1 experience. That's the guy that believes if he doesn't do this stuff, he's eventually going to get so uncomfortable that the mental obsession returns and he'll drink again. So that's when I talk about Step 1 driving everything, that's what powers me through this amends process. Mark sat down at our table on Thursday night, and I thought it was so intuitive that he goes, i just get the feeling we should address the eighth step here you know where are you guys with your amends process i mean we had guys with time you know 19 years to you know 20 years and eight years 13 years as well everybody had a ton of unfinished amends you know and turns out it wasn't all that intuitive he knew it was coming i mean because all of us when you take me in and you say where you know i want to go i wantto go back through the work you know And Katie talked on there. I always want to do another inventory, right? Because we're talking about my favorite stuff again, right. But when you go, what about the amends from your last inventory? Do you have any unfinished amends? We did an exercise at my Thursday night where all the guys at the table, we all got spiritual consent with each other. We all have given each other a position to call each other on all our stuff. We all went home and we made out an eight-step list. And when we came back a week later, and everybody read their eight-step list out loud to the group. And man, you talk about a powerful experience. Because I can tell you, if you've got a crew of people that you feel like you've got that kind of spiritual relationship with, it's a powerful experience because you better keep your pen handy. Because while I'm sitting there, you know, and say Chris is reading off his amends list, and you go, oh, I forgot about that one. You know, I mean, it was little to big. I mean, it was stuff all the way from, you know, a guy goes, well, I ate in a lot of restaurants and I walked out without paying them. You're like, oh, damn. You know, and then the next guy goes I bought gas and drove out of that station and didn't pay. Hmm, well, okay, you Know, and I wrote that down. You know and I mean just little to big, all kind of stuff. You know I robbed my parents of the experience they could have had and having a son, you know, and took away their dreams and their ambitions and that sort of thing. You're like, okay, I guess I kind of made a little feeble amends to my mother. But it was a powerful, powerful experience. And there is such an experience available in the amends process that most of us have never tapped into because what happens with most of Us is we make that list, and I make the big ones like Katie was talking about. I make the people that are first touched by that tornado that's roaring its way through people's lives, the first people that get touched by it, I'll make amends to them because I'm probably going to run into them. My mother, my dad, my sister, my girlfriend, or the ones that are eating my lunch. But then what happens? That list has a way of finding its way down into a drawer, and then I just start going to meetings, and maybe I'm sponsoring somebody, and what i started seeing i tend to transmit my own experience if my experience in the amends process is weak my sponsorship in the immense process is going to be weak does that make sense and the other thing that you'll see in the fellowship the bulk of the advice that you're going to get in the Fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous about the amens process is geared towards not having to make the amands did you hear what i said most of the device you're going to get out there is going to be geared towards not having to make the amends. Why? Because they haven't finished their amends process. Nobody wants to be a phony bastard in AA. I don't want to sit there and tell you, you've got to make all of those amends, you know. Let me know how that works. I might try it on myself. You know, but it's unbelievable. I had a sponsee in the Sunday morning meeting one time and I said, watch this. I said watch said we're going to have a meeting this morning on the amends process and i'm going to try to get them to talk about direct experience with making the amens and you watch people dodge the topic i mean you watch they're going gonna talk about more crap than you've ever heard and after the meeting he goes i wouldn't have believed it if you hadn't warned me it was coming it was unbelievable at one point i was going does anybody have any experience with make indirect amends you know because it was like it was hard to get anything out of anybody one girl i swear to god goes here's another one that sets me sends me to the moon living amends the only place that implies living amens in here is it says in the family we may it may have a long period of reconstruction ahead but most of the time what we hear people describing as living amands is nothing more than practicing these principles in all our affairs right this girl goes i used to work for this company and I was embezzling money from them, but I'm making living amends to them now because I'm working at another company and I'm not stealing from them. And I was like, oh my God! You know? I mean, I'm sure that's very comforting to the people that you stole the money from, you know? Can you imagine, Chris, I stole $500 out of your wallet yesterday, but I'm not stealing today. Does that make you feel any better? You know, Chris has said it from a hundred podiums. The lady whose TV I stole doesn't give a flip that I'm not stealing TVs anymore. She wants her stinking TV back. You know we're talking about making direct amends for all and there's two really tough words in the eighth step and it says it twice. All and all. Made a list of all persons we have harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all. Oh, God, is that tough. You know, because that's why I say, I mean, I don't know how y'all ran, but the way I ran out there, I don' t think I'll ever stand at a podium of Alcoholics Anonymous and say I have made all of my amends. No, I hope to one day get to the point where I can say I've made all the amends for harms that I'm aware of. But Katie and I were walking along in Crested Butte, Colorado one time, and she thought I had a stomach cramp because we were in this amends process. The other thing I can tell you is when you get in the spirit of the amends process, stuff is going to start bubbling to the surface, stuff that I've been kind of punching down, you know, holding like a turd in a punch bowl, you Know, trying to hold it down, You know, Father. That's a, well. Did you write that down? Yeah, you went. Have you made any explanation on that? Yeah. Well, but stuff starts popping to the surface. And we're walking along one day and I go, oh, oh Jesus. And she goes, what, what? And I go. Oh, just one time I was riding my dirt bike by this Mesquite golf course and I just rode out on the golf course and I did a donut on the green right around the flag and popped a wheelie and rode off, you know. And guys were running at me, shaking their seven irons at me and stuff, you know, like, yeah. And, you Know, I mean, I don't know. I had that punched out forever. I called that guy up. I'll never forget it. I'm in the golf business, you KNOW. I mean I called this guy up and I go, Hey, listen, I need to talk to you about something. And I said, one day I was riding my dirt bike past your golf course and I rode out on the green and I did a donut around the flag and I'm really sorry and I'd like to know how I could make that right. And he goes, when was that? And I says, best of my knowledge, 1972. And he says, I'm pretty sure that grass has grown back by now. I was like, well, I'm really sorry, and I appreciate you. And if there's anything I can do to make it right, I'll be happy to do it. But, I mean, and when we're in this process, you know, when we talk about making a list, one of the things that we do in our lineage is we make amends cards. And we'll get out a little stack of three-by-five cards because for some reason the stack of cards, This is not out of the big book. You can do it or not do it. But when it says made a list, once I've made my list of people that I've harmed, I like to go back and get out a little set of three-by-five index cards and write who the person is or what the institution was, what the harm was, their contact information, what the arm was, and then down at the bottom I put two other things. Have I harmed you in any other way? What can I do to make this right? because what happens is part of living a life based completely on self and self-centeredness is I have very little awareness of my effect on other people. You know, when I'm thinking about my motives and my stuff, you ever just been going along and you look up and somebody's hurt and you're like going, What? You know? I wasn't trying to do that. And I might go to my sister and go, Carol, I stole $15 out of your purse one time And I feel really terrible about that. And then can you imagine her going, That's the way you think you've harmed me? That's not even in the top ten of the things that you did to hurt me. So then I've got to be ready to sit down and listen to that. Have I harmed you in any other way? Because there's a very good chance that there's stuff that I did. I called a friend of mine to make amends the other day. I saw a friendofmine on television. He was a professional comedian. And I knew that there was some bad blood between us. And I had been trying to think, and I called him up the next day. This was just last week. And we spent an hour on the telephone where I said, man, I really have a feeling that I have hurt your feelings in some way. I feel an energy between us, andI don't know what it is. And, I mean, we talked for an hour, and it wasn't even anywhere close to what I thought I'd done to harm this guy. And it was some pretty significant stuff. and it stemmed from that marriage that we were talking about. And it's one of those things where he started thinking, I was sort of watching the way you were behaving and I started thinking maybe you weren't the guy I thought you were because I used to look up at you as a spiritual mentor and then I saw you exhibiting some dishonesty in your life and doing stuff that seemed to be outside the values that I thought she had. You know, it's a tough conversation. But I mean, that wasn't what I thought he was pissed about. It would have never occurred to me. So keep that question in mind about have I harmed you in any other way. And I love the amends cards. I've got a stack of amends cars sitting right next to my desk mat at my office right now, and I'll pick them out and I'm going to flip through them. It's so funny. This daughter that we talked about, I took her to lunch one day for Vietnamese food, and while we're talking, we were going along having a good time, and I pull out this little card, and I start talking to her about, you know, because, you know, I knew her dad before he died. I've known April since she was five years old and we're talking and I make real good amends to her and we talk about a lot of stuff and then she goes home to her husband and we love her husband and he goes, he made amends to me today at lunch. You know, he started talking to me about all this stuff and then he had a card and Devin's like, what? And she goes, He's got one with your name on it. And I started noticing after that Every time I'd see him, Devin would be like, hey, how you doing? Everything's fine between us, right? Please don't pull that card out on me. You know, I mean, because sometimes they're as uncomfortable hearing it as I am saying it, you know. And there are some times when you have to go. And sometimes the temptation is one of the things I've noticed in making amends a lot of times is there's a real, sometimes there's an initial reaction, an initial tendency to try to go, oh, no, that's nothing. Katie just made amends to a boyfriend that she hurt 35 years ago. And when she first started talking to him, the guy was like, ah, come on. She goes, no. I really need to sit down and talk to you. And the guy wound up crying four times during the amends. So this was the same guy that had been saying it's nothing, don't worry about it. Sometimes you've got to press through and go, this is important. It's important because I know it's there. and it would mean a lot to me if you'd allow me to clean this up. And, you know, it was a powerful experience between her and this guy. You know, as a result of her getting to give an AA talk in her hometown and she got to make several amends that weekend. Part of Katie's story, y'all were here Friday, a lot of you, right? Well, you knows how she talked about cheating in high school? Well, she's always told this story about, you now, breaking into this teacher's briefcase and stealing the answers to the essay questions and it's always been a funny part of her story and everything. And I get a call one day they go, would you like to come speak at the mouth of the Brazos Conference? I said, where is that? They said, it's in Lake Jackson, Texas. And i said oh, you don't want me. You want my wife. My wife went to high school on Lake Jackson. And so Katie winds up giving the talk and she said that was very nice of me to give it to her. She goes, I don't think I would have reciprocated I don't think I would have done that if they'd asked me to come to your hometown. So when we're talking about self-centeredness, it still lives, you know. But she's getting ready to talk, and I look over, and she goes, Miss Shaw is in the audience with 26 years of sobriety. And I go, who's Miss Shaw? She goes, the English teacher with the briefcase. And so she was freaked out, you Know. And she goes over to her and goes, are you Miss Shaw ? And she says, yes, I am. She goes, are you Al-Anon or A? She goes I'm 26 years sober and NAA. So now Katie has to leave that whole piece out of the story. It had never occurred to her that there was an amends that needed to be made there. And she wound up going to the lady after the meeting and the lady wound up taking her face in her hands and going, you are forgiven my child. I used to cheat in high school myself. But I mean it's that thing about when I say, I don't know that I'll ever get to a point where I go, I've made all of my amends because stuff pops to the surface, you know. Anyway, there are more instructions. How much time do we have left? You only have about eight minutes to do 11. Okay. I just want to tell you that there are more instructions on the amends process in the big book than there are in any other step. If you look for clear-cut directions, they're in there. If you're flipping through those pages from 76, 77, 78, 79, 80, 81, 82, all the way up to the ninth step promises that start on page 83, there are directions about a lot of situations in our life. You know, what is our real purpose? How do we address the man we hate? What about their part? money on the middle of page 78 criminal offenses at the bottom of 78 a prayer for willingness here where it says reminding ourselves that we've decided to go to any lengths to find a spiritual experience we ask that we be given strength and direction to do the right thing little clue, there's a lot of prayers in the big book, whenever it says we ask it's usually a prayer and if it says We Ask Him or We Ask God, it's always a prayer, so it's worth doing those prayers when you come across them it goes on to talk about what if we go too far what if it affects others what about domestic troubles what to tell longer amends about the stuff about the family uh um the cyclone and then there's talks about dealing with the family and meditation says so we clean asking each morning in meditation that our creator show us the way of patience tolerance kindliness and love there's another nine-step prayer and he goes on to talk about the spiritual life is not a theory and it talks about how we talk about it to the family longer amends amends that we can't make right now i use this a lot of times for people that have died or people that we cannot get in touch with it says there may be some people that we cant reach to them we send an honest letter one of my sponsors wrote a letter to his mother and flew out to california and read it by her graveside he made several other amends while he's out there but you know there's some there's stuff in here that we can do if we if we feel like somebody's not around we can still make that amends these nine step promises are powerful when katie talked about step 10 a nice job on that i've got about three step 11 suggests prayer and meditation mark h changed our whole life on prayer and meditation i don't think we're the only ones in alcoholics anonymous they weren't real actively involved in steps 10 and 11 you know that's why i tell these sponsors and what katie was talking about where i go god i must be a hell of a sponsor you know because obviously none of you guys have experienced selfishness dishonesty resentment or fear in the past week because i haven't had a 10th step call from one of you in the last week are you or are you talking to somebody else about it and they'll go i know i'm not talking to anybody else about it you know so what's the deal you know do you is it possible we had a guy that would come in every week at the thursday night meeting and he'd go i haven'T done any evening reviews or any morning meditations and i really need to do that i'M really going to make a point of doing it this week and they'd come back in the next thursday and go i haven't really done any more of those you know but i really needed and finally we had to offer him a consideration where we go is it possible that the reason you're not doing any prayer and meditation is because you don't think it's important and you think you can stay sober without it do you believe because if i'm going to judge your beliefs by what your actions say your actions say you don'T THINK THIS STUFF'S IMPORTANT AND YOU THINK YOU CAN stays over without it maybe you've developed a level of control over this disease that we don't possess you know do my actions show that i'm a person that's convinced that his life run on self-will can hardly be a success we start rolling into this deal and doing step 11 holy mackerel you talk about something that changes your day i mean we you know and i love bob daryl Bob Dee is a good friend of ours. And he tells a beautiful story about he's gone to ashrams, he sat at the feet of the Dalai Lama, he's done all this stuff. And he had a sponsor come to him one time and go, I want to start meditating. And the guy goes, and he didn't have time to mess with him. And he goes, why don't you just do what it says in the book? Right? The guy starts doing 86, 87, and 88 every morning right out of the book, following the clear-cut directions, exactly what it's telling him to do. He goes, in a few weeks he was doing a lot better than I was. You know, and it's that thing where you're going, let me try that on myself. You know what I mean? So there are clear-cut directions in here on the 11th step. Now this thing about, you know, when Katie said the evening review is not part of, if you chair a meeting on the evening interview, I guarantee you half the room will go, I'm glad we're talking about the 10th step, you Know, and it is clearly in 11. It's a 12 and 12 that might as well learn up. Because at the bottom of 85, it says step 11 suggests prayer and meditation. So we're in step 11, and you turn the page, and it says when we retire at night, we constructively review our day. The interesting thing about this evening review is it's an exact reflection of how I've been doing in the 10th step. Remember Katie said there's four things I'm watching for in the10th step, selfishness, dishonesty, resentment, and fear. There's four thing I do about it. What are they? I talk to somebody else about it. I talk with God about it, I make amends if I need to, and I turn my attention to somebody I can help. And this is love and tolerance of others is our code. Well now look at the evening review. We constructively review our day. Was I resentful, selfish, dishonest, or afraid? Aren't those the four things that we're supposed to have been watching for in step ten? And remember the four thing that's said to do about it? have i kept something to myself which should have been discussed with another person do i own apology all right that was the second was i kind and loving towards all now here's where i start bringing god into it because if it was the same as the tenth step uh why would we put it in there twice but here it's saying how'd you do in the in the daily spot check inventory at the end of the day i just go you Did I let anything slip through my tenth step? And then it says, what could I have done better? Was I thinking of myself most of the time or was I thinking what I could do for others? What I could pack into the stream of life. But I've got to be careful not to drift into worry or remorse or morbid reflection. Why? Because that makes Charlie not feel good? No, because here's that selfish program crap again. It says, for that would diminish my usefulness to others. Going into worry, remorse, morbid reflection, I'm not any good to anybody, you know? So we're looking at this stuff effectively and constructively, but I'm going to go into my pity pot about what a turd I am because I'm no going to be usefulnessed to anybody under that way. After making up my review, I ask God's forgiveness and inquire what corrective measures should be taken. So that's the evening review. Pretty clear-cut directions, wouldn't you say? It doesn't have to be at 11 o'clock when I'm getting ready to lay in the bed. It can be when I come home from evening. So I have a terribly hard time doing an evening review. I wanted to change it to the morning review for a while, you know, because I always seem to do it the next morning. But it could be whenI get home from work. It can before I start watching TV. It can after this. But, I mean, at some point I need to look at how did I do today if I'm trying to walk the spiritual path. You all with me on that? All right, so what do I do in the mornings? How much time have I got? None? Three minutes. On awakening. On awakening, so let's see, when do I do this? Do I do these on awakening, let us think about the 24 hours ahead. See if you hear any clear-cut directions in here. Okay, I wake up and I go, okay, let's think about the 24 Hours Ahead. We consider our plans for the day. Alright, what do I got going on today? Before we begin, we ask God to direct our thinking. God, please direct my thinking. You know? Are we doing it so far? Especially asking that it be divorced from three things. Self-pity, dishonest, or self-seeking motives. I'm still laying in the bed. Right? This is upon awakening. Under these conditions, I can employ my mental faculties with assurance. For after all, God gave us brains to use. Our thought life will be placed on a much higher plane when our thinking is cleared of wrong motives. We could have a whole meeting on thought life. I don't know about you guys, but when I got here, I thought my thought life was the entire world. You know, if I thought it, it's reality because I'm hearing myself thinking it and it sounds good and it's true and being able to sometimes step outside of my thought life and see wow look what happens when charlie gets scared look what happens when carly feels shame look what happens which you know and i mean so now i'm saying my thought life will be on a much higher plane when my thinking is cleared of wrong motives that could be a whole topic in itself right there in thinking about my day i may face indecision right we may not be able to determine which course to take here we ask god for inspiration an intuitive thought or a decision we relax and take it easy it's implying to me that god is going to start giving me intuitive thought that's a pretty huge promise you know this is not the same guy that rolled into page 24 this is um this is saying that you know if i if i calm down it's amazing how time how many times god will give me the right thought or action i'm often surprised how the right answers have come after i've tried this for a while practice practice practice trying this thing over and over and again what used to be the hunch or the occasional inspiration gradually becomes a working part of the mind this is that vital sixth sense that the book talks about and then it goes on talk about it you know i may do some stupid stuff but it says my thinking will as time passes be more and more on the plane of inspiration i start to rely upon it and then it says we usually conclude the period of meditation with a prayer well it's funny we talked about that 1936 dictionary a little bit earlier because i always thought you know if you look up meditation in that dictionary it says deep thought thinking abstractedly directed thinking because the the definition of meditation changed in the 60s with the eastern a lot of eastern religion influence and Ravi Shankar and you know some of that stuff I came to think that meditation meant sitting in the lotus position and doing alms and doing 30 minutes of quiet time that stuff is awesome along with what the book is saying to do but what they're saying in the form of meditation is this deep thought this directed thinking of asking God to direct my thinking talking about thinking about the day asking that it be removed from this sort of thing see what I'm saying It's not necessarily, I do silent meditation. Katie does positive prayer and directed thought and a lot of Emmett Fox stuff. But along with what the book is saying. Does that make sense? Try these clear-cut directions. Try just getting up in the morning. If you haven't been doing anything, get up inthe morning and try the upon awakening. Walk right through those definitions. Ask when it says ask. Pray when it say pray. Pause when it said pause. and see how it goes for a while. It's amazing stuff. And then it says, talks about emphasize the principles we've discussed in their many helpful books. And then there's a part of the 11th step that gets skipped over a lot. You know, we hear a lot about pause. It says as we go through the day, we pause when agitated or doubtful. Katie's the first one I ever heard say that pause is a promise. Pause is only available to me when I'm in the work, right? If I'm blocked, if my head's running like the chatter of a thousand monkeys, I ain't pausing. It ain't coming. Does that make sense? But I used to think it stopped with pause. I use a little acronym. it gives me four directions here pause when agitated or doubtful right tough work but you know the other thing i notice is i know when i'm agitated but i'm almost never doubtful am i the only one you know there's a term uh often wrong but never in doubt uh mean anything to anybody i've paused when agitated or doubtful but then you hear that a lot in meetings but there's three more instructions after that it says we ask for the right thought or action we constantly now it's going to restate the deal in step three again, as it does many times in the book. Constantly reminding ourselves, so the word remind, reminding ourselves that we're no longer running a show saying to ourselves many times each day thy will not mine be done I think most, I'm not going to ask for a show of hands, I think most of us would be lucky if we've ever said a couple of times each say thy will now mine be down you know my sponsors are striving for saying to themselves several times each day, thy will not mine be done. Because that's what it's telling me to do. It's taking me back to the deal in the third step. So there's a lot of work that can be done in this parse thing. Pause, ask, remind, and say. Then there's the 11th step promises. We're then in much less danger of excitement, fear, anger, worry, self-pity, or foolish decisions. I become much more efficient. I don't tire so easily if I'm not burning up energy foolishly as I did when I was trying to arrange life to rejuvenate myself. And I love this. It says it works. It really does. Turn to page 62. Remember why I'm going to quit playing God? It didn't work, right? If you're running a deal that's working real good, rock on. But if you're running into the wall like I do when I'm on self-will, it says it doesn't work and then back here it says this works. It really does. It says we alcoholics are undisciplined so we let God discipline us in the simple way we have just outlined. Give it a try. It's awesome stuff. Katie, did you want to say? No, but we're going to take a break and then Chris is going to be 12. We're going to take break and Chris is going talk about step 12. Thanks a lot for listening everybody.