Step 5 and Sharing the Inventory – Big Book Study – Part 7 of 7 – Don P.

Good, I just feel so good. I think, Jesus H. Christ, what did we find here? I sure wasn't anxious to share my shabby little stuff, but I guess, you know, it's each his own, so the point is that we go share it with somebody. And what we share is the truth about ourselves and it begins to see the daylight. and anything that's exposed to the daylight is in its own way starting to die, the kind of stuff that I had hidden away inside of me. So I share it no matter how silly it is. I honest to God believed when I went to do this inventory the very first time I thought, you know, I know this guy and when I tell him that, you know I'm pissed off at my mother because she made me wear elastic jeans. I mean, this guy is going to throw me out of his house. He's a tough hombre. He's big-time crook. And I really do, I'm just concerned as hell he's going to through me out the house and I'll never get a chance to go back there again. But I committed to do this. I committed to do it. I committed to do this and something inside of me kept pulling me to finish up what I had started. But, you know, I would tell you that I, something inside, you know, some, I didn't have a whole lot to do with it. There was something inside of me that said, I've got to go do this. So I went off and I did this, scared to death, just petrified, knew that this guy was just going to think, where did this little Weasley guy come from? And so I shared all this stuff with him. And it wasn't big, big stuff. It really isn't big stuff, just real, real petty little crap. But it was my truth. I am happy to tell you that a couple of years ago I stayed with him, my wife and I stayed with him for three weeks, with he and his wife, stayed in his house. and moved back to Denver. I didn't have a place to stay at that particular time, and he made it possible for me to get settled in Denver again. This is a guy who was sure was going to throw me out of his house when I got through this fifth step and never speak to me again. Don't be too concerned. It's the truth, and we have to go share it with someone. Because, see, there's a point to all this sharing. Number one, I mean, if we try to get real erudite about this, the book says if we don't share it with somebody. A solitary self-appraisal is insufficient. We're liable to drink again. I mean we have all of them. But there's something even more crucial as far as my own experience reveals, and that is once I share this truth, it becomes the reality. I get to see it for the very first time. this is the reality, this is what I am. It may not be what I want to be, but this is what I'm and it becomes my truth, very clearly my truth. Because you see in this little spiritual process that we're going through that becomes crucial in just a very short period of time. And I'll come to that in just a minute. We go share this with somebody these are the instructions. We go share our truth with somebody and when we're all through we come home and we sit down quietly and reflect on what we've done and then we carefully review what is it that's going on here. Well, number one am I really alcoholic? Am I really an alcoholic? More importantly am I powerless? see this all comes down to lack of power I know what I'd like to be or I know what I don't like to me but I don' t have the power to be any different so I have to reflect on that just for a little while do I believe that there is a power greater than myself that will change the way I think do I belive that have I truly become willing to go to any length. That's the third step prayer, God, I'm yours, you do whatever you want. You do whatever you want, you build with me and then do with me as you want. That's the whole deal. That's the willingness. For have I done the best job I can this time to find out what's the real truth about old Jerry? And number five, did I share this with another human being? And if I can clearly say that, then I'm about ready to very carefully stop and pause just a little bit, so I can do one more thing. Do I find the truth about myself objectionable? Because if you don't find it objectionable, we're all wasting our time. That's a little secret I've discovered in this deal. I need to discover that the truth of what I am is so objectionable because it is totally different than what I wanted to be. When I discovered, you know, in that fourth column of the resentment inventory how often I am dishonest, what it became very clear to me is I lie about the silliest damn thing. And I want to be an honest fellow. I mean, the word integrity carries such weight with me. High standards of integrity and unflinching ethics mean so very much to me and that's who I'd like to be and that'S what I'd LIKE to be and when I look at my inventory that's not who and what I am and that' s nauseating to me. It really is. And it' s so terribly objectionable that I get real clear on something. And what I get clear on is I don't want to be what I am. I truly do not want to be what i am. That's why when the question was asked I think sometime yesterday do we ever find anything good about ourselves? Well let's not no. I'm trying to go someplace with that but the truth is no. There isn't anything good. because what I am is so terribly different than what I always wanted to be. And I find out that who and what I'm is terribly objectionable. And the ideas that are in my mind are ideas that no longer suitable for me to hold on to. That's all this whole thing is all about. Do I want to hang on to some old ideas? I didn't associate the fact that many of us try to hold onto our old ideas and thinking, old thinking as being one and the same. So until I was in an inventory one time, I thought, okay, that's what they meant. And once I get clear on the fact that this way of thinking that I hold... I mean, look at some of the old ideas that we have. To finish up with the sex inventory is a real good place to look at some of those old ideas. One of the things that we try so desperately to do is we try to get some of us guys, we try and get a woman in our life and then hold on to her desperately. Have you ever... Guys, I'll ask you a question. Have you every had her come to you and say, We need to talk? Don't you know what that means? I do. That means that she is just about out of here. And I don't know what you do, but I start getting desperate and figuring out ways. Don talked about it. I have a modus operandi. I'll make her jealous. That's what I'll do. That'll keep her. I'll arouse a little suspicion or bitterness. That'll keeps her. I mean, I've got all sorts of hooks that I know how to put out there. Sicker than hell, butI know what they are. because there has been a spiritual change that has begun to occur in this fifth and sixth step, I look at that idea and now I find that it is so distasteful to me. Why would I ever want to keep somebody around or force them to let me stay around if they don't want me here anymore? I mean, that would be a punishment worse than death. I just can't conceive of it anymore. And that's the change brought about by the Spirit. See, I don't have the power to have that huge displacement of an old idea. I don' t have that power. The Spirit opens that up and all of a sudden you look and you think, how could I have ever thought otherwise? How could I ever thought that if I just manipulate things just the right way, I can make her make it possible for me to stay here. That's dumb. And it's cruel. And it is everything that I don't want to be. I sometimes laugh. People come to me and they say, Jerry, can we talk? I want to talk about a relationship a little bit. Hell, I don' t know what to say to them. I really truly don' te. What do I know about relationships? I give everything I've got to give to her and if she lets me stay then that's the most beautiful thing in the world that's all I know about a relationship it's no more complicated I give it all I don't expect anything in return if she gives me something in return that's fantastic what else is there what else says there and I like to be responsible to her you know what I really enjoy being you know, you know what I think every alcoholic really enjoys is being dependable. God, isn't it fun just being dependible? I thought fun was some big lofty stuff out here. And I'm discovering it's just being defendable. I even take out the trash on occasion. You know, I like this thing about do something nice for somebody and not let them know, but God, that's hard to do. Oh, that'S harder than hell to do! But if I look at the truth of my life, I really come down to one final conclusion. Do I find that truth objectionable or not? And if it's objectionable to me, then I am probably in a position where I am willing to let go of those old ideas, aren't I? It really gets to be that simple. If I find the truth objectionble, First of all, that means I am willing to let go of the old ideas. And that's what we're really seeking to do here is to let go of old way of thinking. I have sought now for a number of years, almost ten full years now, to see if I could find any one element of the thinking that I brought here worth keeping. one old idea that was worth keeping, and I have not found it yet. Everything that I brought with me into the halls of AA 23-plus years ago I have not found worth keeping. My ideas that I've brought here I find objectionable, and as new inventories reveal more of those old ideas, I find that there's other ideas that I need to be rid of. But in this particular inventory I'm talking about now, this first one, I really could not tolerate the truth about myself. And when you get to that point you have completed step six. Now that's a very quick overview of five and six. But it's really that simple. Share our truth. Look at it. Discover, okay, this is what I am. This is my truth. I now own it. Is this what I want my truth to be? And if it isn't, then am I willing to let go of all the ideas that underlie this truth? And then we're at step six. We've been here about an hour this time. We're going to, at the end, right close to noon or when we're done, we're gone because we have planes to catch. You have homes to go back to. With your permission, let's not take another little break. We'll just push a little bit so we can get this material done. And then when we're done, we're gone. Noon being the latest. If you need to leave the room for any reason at all, just leave the rooms. My God, they did too. Look at that. A couple of things. I'll start with what I'm observing with big book people. They're a large group. In fact, my sponsor is sponsored by one of the people who share multiple fiscals. There's justification for it here if you're a big book lawyer. it's not a bad thing what they do is you have your fist up and you call and somebody shows up and you share yours with them and they share theirs with you then they leave and somebody else shows up and you do the same thing four or five times and the purpose of it initially was so that everybody finally gets the idea we're all the same because one of the guys is a year sober one's 30 years sober we're not all that different we need to break down the difference I have no objection to that I don't do that there's no right way here it does indicate who I'm supposed to go to close mouth, trusted friend it gives a description I share my inventory with multiple people every time I do one of these I share some piece of it I carry it around with me, so if you want to look at it, you can. Because I'm through with it. I don't care what you do with it." There are marathon and fist steps. It says we're to be prepared for a long talk. I've got to tell you something. Long at 30 is different than long at 60. Okay? If you come at me with a 10-hour or 12-hour inventory, we're going to do this in two-hour segments. Three on a good day. I am not up to 10 or 12 hours anymore. Paul did that to me. The intellectuals are always the ones who do it. They don't only do what's in the book when they're fist-stepping. They feel the need to give me all the background. But at ten hours, because I really do listen. I think it's really important. My function is to listen so that I can, if necessary, feed back to you, did you hear what you just said? I'm not going to tell you what you said, but listen to this. Do you understand you just heard that? Anyway, at the end of ten hours I was tired. And Paul said, yeah, yeah. I said, Paul, stop for a minute. I'm dying here. You need to stop for a while. So I just crawled up on his bed and went to sleep. And woke up a couple hours later and he was still dead. Learned a great lesson. He's the same one that called me with some tent-step inventory one time, and left it on my answering machine because I wasn't there. He didn't care. He's still sober. Apparently that works too. I tend to do it just like it says here. I took my first inventory and it was very shabby. It was good, but it was shabmy. I didn't have enough memory left. I got here burned at crisp. It took a while to restore for other brain cells to pick up from the burned woods what their functions were. And I wasn't about to be rejected again by my sponsor, whom I'd gone to with that first one that he called garbage. So I'm looking for a closed-mouthed, trusted friend. I was having an experience at the time and I didn't know what it was but my friend Jim who came into the prison with me I had a new feeling for him and I did not know what he was except to tell you that I wanted things to be better for him because he was in a peculiar situation I knew why I was in the penitentiary I had done what they said I had done Jim didn't even know why he was there he had done what every one of us had been terrified we might have done some night driving a car in the blackout he killed some people and he got a three to five for vehicular homicide and he didn't know why he was there I don't care what they told him he had no memory he didn' t know why he wasn' t there he was not criminal in the same sense that I was and somehow I'd gotten the idea that if I shared the garbage of my life with him his life might get better I know today this is compassion it is not a natural thing for me it was of the spirit so he and I went up to shut up man anyway And he and I spent the whole afternoon up in that school while I did the first step the way it says here. And the only thing he said, the other guy said it wasn't that bad. All Jim ever said was, uh-huh, okay. Or every now and then he would say something that would stimulate a little memory that hadn't shown up on the paper. And we got it done. and two experiences occurred in me. I pay very close attention to those changes. I've got to live with them for the rest of my life. I need to know when they're going on, what's going on. First of all, the sense that I was alone and an alien on this planet disappeared. It wasn't there anymore. The way you know something is gone is it isn't there any more. Prior to this activity with Jim, I had been alone because it was me and who I needed you to be. None of you were ever really real to me. You were resources. No wonder I would belong. Following this activity for whatever the reason, there were now two people, me and Jim. That was a big deal. And I went back and did this review and realized I have finally finished something. I could never remember ever finishing anything. I was a spreader in the game of life, not a long-distance runner. Now I've finished something What an overwhelming... The ego is involved in this. Please let it be. It doesn't say the ego dies. We die to it. We take the keys away from the five-year-old, but we take him on every trip with us. Well, if you don't take a kid with you on a trip, you're dumb. Adults drive from here to there and miss everything. The kid will stop and see the two-headed calf. Okay. I'll maybe get a chance to explain what that is. But in my review, I also realized we have just barely scratched the surface. And I have a lifetime of work to do. So I added to the prayer. I'm subject to do that. I'm not one of the militaristic, legalistic lawyer types. I go by the book. But if I think it needs attitude from me, I add it. And I added this one. I said the seven-step prayer, and then I added, Please, God, don't let what I haven't found yet kill me before I get to it. And I'm still here. And you heard some fresh inventory. I'm Still Finding Stuff, and it's really shabby now. I mean, my goodness. But I had not omitted anything. everything that I could remember was there this is probably one of the most important areas here at the 6th and 7th step of the process itself because this is where the power of God becomes observable and where the way I approach life becomes detailed the power of God the best I can tell is willingness it is so powerful that the moment I'm willing it's already happened there's no lag time it's instantaneous when I'm willing to change I've already changed when I am willing to let go it's all already gone so it's just that much and that's spiritual power there is no human power with that kind of reflexes And if I don't have it, whatever it may be, in this case the willingness to let go of things I still want to hold on to, I go to God and ask for willingness. I ask for God's power. I'm a power seeker. I've always been a power seeker. And I don' t want to ever stop being a power seeker. Lack of power is my dilemma. The only solution to my dilemma is power. And I will get power. And most of us get blocked here because we know that. We are talking about an endless reserve of power. We're talking about the power to change people's lives by our presence and by our willingness to believe in the power. You can't have my God, but you can by God believe I am in touch and you can count on that. And it tells me later on precisely what to do and why I have this power. I have been given this power to help others, no other reason. This power is not for me. It's a strange thing that happened. I come to this thing in order to acquire power to solve my problem. The moment my problem is solved I'm not to work on my problem anymore I'm to help you with yours that's the only place I can put the power and this isn't noble and well thought out this is the way it is now when that power hits you can't shut up you can stay home Oprah who when you're ready and sometimes it takes a little while the suggestion of the sixth step is to spend an hour and I'm such a big book Nazi when you are through you brought your book with you go home and put your book on the shelf so that you can follow the instructions that says take the book off the shelf just don't leave anything out okay don't add anything to it unless you don't leave anything out either and that is so silly that the power of laughter begins you know there's nothing like looking at yourself being silly I've done all this incredible spiritual work and it all hinges on me doing this silly activity of putting the book on the shelf waiting a second and taking the book off okay It's only life or death. Lighten up. When we're ready, when I'm either truly willing to let them all go or truly willing and believe that the prayer for that willingness is already activating it, we say something like this. My Creator, I'm now willing that You should have all of me, good and bad. I pray that you now remove from me every single defective character which stands in the way of my usefulness to you and my fellows grant me strength as I go out from here to do your bidding amen and our prayer process then is completed the house cleaning is done now I've got a load of garbage that needs to go to the street I can clean house and put them in black paper bags and leave them in the garage and pretty soon the house stinks again once they get all the garbage gathered up it's time to take it to the streets and dispense it get rid of it be done with it what goes where we have trash trash we have recyclable plastics we have recyclble glass we got all kinds of bins for our trash and we got days when you can put this one out days when you could put that one out it's not all that different I got to get the right trash to the right people I'm not to burden them with it. I'm not to give you the trash that accumulated over what I did to him. I gave that one a good fifth step. I'm going to go back to him and say, what I do to you is trash. I'm getting rid of it. Blah, blah, blah. We said the third step together. I mean, I kind of think we should say the seventh step together because this is a group activity even though Jerry and I have done most of the babbling. would you like to do that ok now it won't be right because we didn't do all the other work in between but it won'y be wrong either ok my creator Implicit in the prayer is the fact that I am no longer going to work on my character defense. If I work on something, I get really good at it. God will remove them. In his own time and in his own way, they will be removed. If that isn't true, then there's no need to go any further with this. That's what this says. This path says now get on about some other things. Defects of character are just character traits that are defective. What's the difference between commitment and stubbornness? And they kind of look the same, you know. Anyway. I've been asked to talk about the experience at the eight step because my experience of this is that I did not get free making amends. I got free at the eighth step, becoming willing to make amends. That's where the power is. Now there is no question in my mind, there's no slack in my life. If I harmed you, I owe you. Period. But that's not what sets me free. When we finished all this, I did go back to my sponsor, because he was my guide. And I didn't re-fist up that with him, but we kind of went over it because from the inventory comes the clear harm that I have done. And I'm to be willing to make amends for that from the imagery. He said, we know who you hurt, who you harmed. It's on this list. but you are so insensitive while we know what you did to them you're too insensitive to know what it did to you so you'll screw it all up and he was right I'm ready to go make amends to everybody I'm filled with evangelical fury they wouldn't let me out they kept me another eight, nine months they were just hard nosed about that he said here's what I want you to do you go back to your cell tonight take every one of these names and put it on a separate list this was the listest man I ever saw then add anybody else you can think of because if you met him you messed with him now that does not imply I owe the whole world amends individually but the attitude itself was absolutely correct If I met you, I messed with you. Okay, it's just another acknowledgment that selfishness and self-centeredness has entered into every relationship I have ever had. And we need to get that down. Then he said, I want you to take... And by the way, that isn't a long list. Three, four hundred people? One guy brought me 2,500. I threw him out. come on he was young young people have grandiose ideas anyway he said here's what I want you to do close your eyes I'm locked up in the penitentiary cell sitting on a steel seat with a steel bench I love the drama of that all by myself, me and God. He said, I want you to close your eyes and picture each one of them before you and see if you can feel a willingness deep in your heart to look each one of them right in the eye and say to them, I have been wrong and I have harmed you. Would you please tell me what I have to do to get these books to balance? And as I went over that list that night and became aware that I truly am willing to face anyone on the planet and square it in whatever way it needs to be squared. I was lifted from that chair and set free. Nothing was lifted from me. I was lifted, that's the sensation I had and I was set free and I've been free ever since. I don't do stupid things for your vengeance nor do I very often ask the question with that kind of directness. But what that has done is made it possible for me to make the impossible amends, meaning those that I can't think of any way to set this straight. My mother sent my dad to the door on Christmas Day to say, you and your children can't come into this house anymore because I can'T stand watching you die. How do you square that? I can't think of anything to this day that squares that. So what that attitude does, what that prayer does, and what that willingness does is make me a listener. I can come to you and I can honestly say I've harmed you and done you wrong. Here's what I see that I did. Here is what I see I might be able to do to straighten it out. What do you think. I need your input. This may not be enough. What do you think? That's the attitude I carry with me. So what that did is I began to listen closely to what people said. And months after I got out of the penitentiary, my mother allowed me to come by. She was very reluctant. But she did allow me to go. She didn't want me to leave. She wanted me to come by. Because my mother loves me. She's just been hurt. And in our light conversation, and believe me I kept it light, we are to be hard on ourselves and very considerate of others. She did not need any fast movements out of me, of any kind. I found a way to ask the question, not directly, but I found a way to ask the question and then I shut up and listened. She said, honey, all I've ever wanted was for you to be happy. So for 30 some years now, I've been going by my mother's house on a regular basis happy. It's all she wants. It works. For six years, she said she didn't believe I was going to amount to anything. I don't go making amends so that you'll believe in me again if I owe you I owe your she wanted some regularity a good part of the making of amends true amends means to change doesn't mean I'm sorry I've been sorry my whole life I don' t use that I'm changed she needed to see that change before she could trust it It took my brother 22 years of watching me get my life in order before he trusted me. I have no right to expect him to ever trust me. I just need to get square. My mom and I have a wonderful relationship today. She's 90, still kicking ass and taking nays. I'm telling you, she walks with a cane now. Don't irritate her. She loves to gamble. She's a big-time gambler. She loves to go out to Vegas. She's been known to take as much as $100 with her. So I had some fun with her the other day. Dad died three years ago and through the disposition of the property and all that, she's got more money than she'd need to live three lifetimes. So she's going to be fine. So I was kidding her the whole time the other night. I said, Mom, you need a trip to Vegas. I'm a good luggage carrier. And we had a laugh. I said, look, next time you do go, do me a favor. Go big time. Take 500 bucks. It makes her nervous. This is the lady that was unable to allow me and my children to come into her home on Christmas Day because of the spiritual process, the ability to live one day at a time I'm happy, visibly. I was able to be there and help my dad die. My Uncle Walt just died. Uncle Walt was an enigma. He looked just like an alcoholic. See, I'm the only alcoholic in my home. Although my son, my older boy, if he isn't, he'll do till one comes along. So keep your eyes out for him, please, because I can't help him. And he's in great, great pain right now. But Uncle Walt looked like one. Then about 30 years ago, some doctor said, Walter, if you don't quit drinking, you're going to die. And he quit. No stamina, no perseverance, just didn't have what it took. But in the last couple of years, Walter, like my granddad in the past couple of years of his life, really liked one jelly glass. I don't know if you do it back home, but we used jelly glasses for table settings. One jelly glass of good sipping whiskey. a day. And he'd sip it. Some days he wouldn't. He was not an alcoholic. But I loved my Uncle Walt. What I'm trying to get at is that when Uncle Walt died, my mother asked me to do the funeral service. Okay? what is God's bidding? I'm to be loving and kind and useful in every arena of my life. Most importantly, our family. We're all family. And like in any family, there's immediate family and there's kissing cousins. And I need to be with immediate family a lot I love the Kissin' Cousins, but they use the 12 and 12. And that's nice. That's a good book, by the way. It's a clear report on the first weakening of the AA message. It is. Good report, good writing, good philosophy, good stuff in there. But I need big book fanatics. people who know beyond a shadow of a doubt that if they can't find a way to carry this message to somebody who doesn't want to hear it, they're going to die. That's the kind of people I need. You want to go to the ball game or you want to find us? Let's go down and find us a drunk. That's what I'm saying. That's kind of the people I mean. Now, if he doesn't won it, then we've got time to make the ballgame. But let's go see him first. otherwise I'll die what is God's bidding I know what it is for me if I know what it means what it does for you have some fun with it I'm inclined to think that my mother's message to me was from God all I have ever wanted for you to be was happy The old-timers, including our sponsors, give us some marvelous little tips on some ways to do things. And I had heard Don's story about sitting in a cell, closing his eyes and going down that list of people to whom he owed amends and asking himself if he would be willing to make them. Now, I don't know what you all do, but I'll tell you some things that I do. When I hear a real good idea, I won't tell anybody that it's a good idea. but I'll go home and try it. And so I heard that story some ten years ago, and I thought, you know, I think that I probably could stand to do that. Now, I'm a fellow that was so desperate to find a solution to my problem that when I did the inventory and the fifth step on a Tuesday, I was writing my seventh step, I mean my eighth step on Wednesday and starting my amends on Thursday. I just, I had to get this done. But in order to do that, I had to sit down and try this little exercise. And I asked myself, do I have that ability and the willingness to say I've harmed you? What do I need to do to make this right for you? How can I balance it out? And I discovered that I had some trepidation about making these amends. What it really came down to is I thought there's some of these that I can't do. But I would sit with each person on that list until it became clear to me that I can go do this. Again, you know, I've talked to you here this weekend about willingness and wanting to. There weren't many amends that I've had to make. I'm trying to think if I ever had one that I wanted to go make. There are many that I simply became willing to go making. Like, it's no different than what we're doing here. This is what we are. We do this, don't we? We share this message one with another. So I got clear on the fact that yes, I'm willing to go do this. And so I started off. Now you talk about something that's kind of a little mystical. I told you that I had created a deal with my mother to where I had completely convinced her that she was the cause of my alcoholism. And, you know, I had done the same thing Don was alluding to. I had run around early in sobriety talking about trying to get you to understand and to like me again and forgive me. That's what going around and saying, sorry, I got clear on that when I finally followed the instructions here and realized that what I needed to do was, regardless of the outcome, I need to go do this deal. So I went home. I was living in Denver, and I drove back to Kansas where my mother was, and I sat down with her, andI said, Mom, I needto talk to you. Now, my father's been dead for a number of years, And so my mother had remarried, and I think the fellow that she remarried knew that I was kind of a flaky fellow. And so he was going to hang around and make sure that I didn't do anything that would hurt her. So no matter what I did that particular day, I could not get him out of the room. And so I finally said, well, you know, I thought to myself, there's not going to be any way I'm going to get this deal done without him sitting here. So I began to try to clean this deal up with her and ask her what I could do. And you know what? She used the same precise words that Don's mother had given to him many years before. I don't know about Don's situation, but I will tell you this. When I start trying to talk to my mother that way, she starts crying. God damn it, that's just what she does. Now, I don't know what you guys do when your mother starts crying. I start crying. I do. And so she said that's all I ever wanted. It was just for you to be happy. I swear to God I never heard that when I was a kid. But, and I look back in retrospect and I realize that that's what she was... You know, I told you about the incident of wanting to go uptown and she said, I wish you'd stay home and study. There's a lot I can tell you about this, men, because it took a long time to get this cleaned up, by the way. Because I had done a lot of harm over a long period of time. And toward the tail end of getting really completely clear with my mother, one of the things that came out was I knew that she needed to know that it wasn't just that she had done the best she could do. That's kind of a cheap little deal. to say, well, I know you did the best you could do. That doesn't cut it. What I had to tell my mother, and I had a great opportunity to do this, I entered graduate school a number of years ago, and I focused on courses that involved mathematics. And when I was doing this, it got clear to me that my mother when she said, I wish you would study, was absolutely right. so i call her from time to time and i say oh listen mom you remember when you told me i ought to study i said you know what i'm in graduate school now and i am barely keeping my head above water you were dead right and i was dead wrong and she just giggles she just loves to be told that she's right that she was right and the truth of the matter is she was i mean i'm not stretching that. I just need to get clear with her that I now understand she was right and I was wrong. No big deal, but I need to give her that gift to understand that she was right and I was wrong and slowly but surely over time I have seen a marvelous little change occur, but like I say it came over a period of time when early on in this process I had a suggestion made to me and it said The amends should be consistent with the harm done. Well, if the harm was created over many years, there's a high likelihood that the amends are going to take a number of years. And my job is to never be disappointed in how long it takes. It takes whatever it takes." My job is To make it and make it and live the changed life, the power that I have been given to live differently and to just consistently live that way and let the chips kind of fall where they may, if you want to use that little cliche. And I've discovered that along the way. Now, this amends deal really, there's some stuff that happens. And I want to share one little deal with you, and then I'll close my little part of this with one other thought. I told you about some of the stormy situations that I created for my children. And a few years ago, I was standing down with my oldest boy, and he was in college in Manhattan. Not Manhattan, New York. Manhattan, Kansas. And I love to say Manhattan because people think, oh, your kid went to school in Manhattan? He went to school at K-State. He did well, though. In any event, we were sitting there in his little room, and I said, and I don't know why fathers do this with their kids, but you do it from time to time. And I said,"You know, son, I've been thinking when I die, I just assume we do a little quick easy ceremony, cremate me, and let's go down the road and just know that I have really enjoyed my time with you all, and that you have been marvelous gifts to me as kids." You really have. And I want them to understand that they have been more of a gift to me than I will have ever been to them. And I really mean that. And so we're talking that way, and he says, Dad, you want to do what? And I said, A cremation. Let's just, you know, let's get this over and done with and make it cheap. And he said, We can't do that. And I say, Why not? He said, I want you buried someplace where I can go to. I said、 Why do you want that? And he said, Dad, the reason I want that is because then I can go there. And I said, why do you want to do that? And he says, Dad wherever you are there's great peace. Now listen. There is no greater gift that you can hear from your kids than to have a small understanding that maybe you've created peace in their life. I have three children. One is a daughter, and she's an enterprising young thing. She has learned that there are substances out there that you can buy cheap and sell high. It's all in the distribution system. And she's also learned that she can call me from jail and I'll talk to her. And it's okay. I mean, she knows that I won't give her bail money, but then that's okay, and she's not anything that I know of for what, about three years now, I think she's, but she's beginning to sense that she needs whatever it is we have found here. She's begun to sense it. I have two boys. They are boys. and they have had some dandy deals. But one of the things that they have discovered along their little journey is that they can call Dad and say, here's what's going on. And whatever it is, is whatever it ist. Usually what I do with my kids when I get all through, or they get all though telling me something, I'll just ask them a little simple question. Did you learn anything here? And one boy, the youngest one, he got in trouble with the police a few years ago. It really got a little messy looking. And what was involved was he was 18 years old. He was riding around the back of a pickup drinking some beers. And about 2 o'clock in the morning they got crosswise with one of the other young men riding around with them. and one of the young men got assaulted. And so the police came and arrested my son along with several other boys. And it turned out, my son said he didn't have anything to do with it and finally the truth came out and he didn' t have anything to do it with the assault. But he was telling me about this whole thing and I said, well, son, did you learn anything? And he said, yeah. I said what'd you learn? He said, you have always told me that there was nothing good going on after 10 o'clock at night. See, I didn't have to, you know, they learn this stuff on their own. They learn it on their home. And that's a part of my amends to my kids. The kids call me often and they say, Dad, what do you think I ought to do? I said, listen, you know what my history is. I really truly don't know. You guys have great judgment. Great judgment. Well, Dad, what do you think we ought to do? I said... I just told you. I don't... I don' t know. But usually they'll stay on me and I will finally share with them what my experiences have been. Now see, there's a big difference between me telling them what they should do and sharing my experiences. They love... I tell you what, your kids love to hear the experiences we've been through. Try it. Try it on them. My kids just absolutely love to know what this has been all about. And in that exchange, they have begun to understand that there is something more to this life than just acquiring a few little things. They've learned something about the spiritual way of life. Now, I'm not pushing this on them, They'll get to it if that's what they get to. But they know what I do. And I used to hear people say, well, don't you think your kids should respect you? As part of my amends process, I believe this. I need to respect my kids. And if they respect me in return, that's fine. And if we don't respect them, we don' t. If they don't, that' s fine. I really owe them my respect. See, my kids, the reason I can say that so easily Number one, it is a spiritual truth. I owe them respect. The other reason is none of my kids have ever gone as far down the road as I've gone. And I look at them and I think, wait a minute, you know, they put up with me for a long time. They put upwith me fora long time, and as far as I know, they never made any judgments about me. I'm the judger in the bunch. They make no judgments, so I owe them a great deal of respect. And some of the world, in this nine-step process, see, I told you early on that I had suffered a great detail from depression most of my life. And I was sitting one day and I was about halfway through the amends process just wondering if I was ever going to get this whole damn deal done. Oh, it was terrible, just trudging through the amends and other amends. I mean, I had a fairly long list, and some of them were amends that I thought I was going to go to jail on. One I thought was going for a federal penitentiary when I made it. I thought, God, I can't keep doing this. And the depression just seemed like it was never going to lift. And I was about halfway through the Amends, and I woke up one morning, and as still and quiet as the falling snow, the depression wasn't there. And I, to this day, cannot tell you when it had been removed. I don't know whether it had Been the day before, a month before, or three months before. But I woke Up one morning and I thought, You know, life is really not so bad. It's okay. And the moment that my mind said that, I thought You know that's all I ever wanted. I don't want to be high. I don' t want to be particularly low. I just want to be here okay now. That's all I ever wanted. And I discovered halfway through the amends that that's what I was receiving as I kept walking down this little old hill, not knowing that that was going to happen. The old timers will tell you that that is when the power returns is in the ninth step. I didn't know it was going to happen marvelous marvelous experience and it just came about just as a result of doing what we've been talking to you about this whole weekend i just literally the book uses the word trudge have you ever seen that book a word in the book trudge isn't that an ugly word god i hate that word but that's what we do we just trudge down through this there's nothing real glamorous about it. Don used the word rigorous. It is rigorous. Most of my days are spent where I almost always can very clearly see I have two choices. I can go here or I can go here. One is clearly self-serving, but God, I want to do that. And I have to pause long enough for the Spirit to show me the other option. Now, that takes rigorous practice on my part because it's in my nature if I'm going to do anything at all, I really want you to know just how good I am. It takes rigorous practice for me to let something go to where I'm not focused on trying to take some little maneuver that makes me look good. And that all came out of or came clear to me in this part of the process. It's time for this gathering to break up. We have entered the world of the Spirit. Our next function is to grow in understanding and effectiveness. And at this point, I'm always frustrated we've taken a whole damn weekend to get to where there's something important to do. And now we have to go home. We have so much to share with each other. The real program of action of Alcoholics Anonymous are recovered alcoholics sitting down, plotting and scheming the method to get it to the next one. It's the truth. That's what our founders did. That's how the book came about. That's why my life has gotten meaningful is to sit down and plot and scheme how we're going to help this guy. He's hopeless. He's just like you. So, I need to hear from you more. And I have some incredible stories to tell you, but I don't have time to tell them. I think they're incredible. They were life-changing for me. And I want to hear your incredible stories. So we're going to have to get together once in a while, and I don' t know how we're gong to do that. But I do know this. One of my favorite stories is Jonathan Livingston's seagull, because it's my story. It is who and what we are and how we do it. And so after Jonathan has learned to fly, and that was his initial goal, and then he realizes he can do that now, and he can stay where he is in that clear blue sky with just a few birds. but he has a need to go back to the flock and talk to the young birds just in case one of them is just tired of eating and wants to learn how to fly so he'll be available and he does that and he gets several of them and then his time comes when it is time for him to go on he wants to get back with Master Chang and do some more flying and there's other places to go and he needs to leave now because they know everything he knows. He knows how to fly. And beyond that, it's up to them. Anyway, he's getting ready to go back and one of the young birds says, Oh, Jonathan, I'm going to miss you. And Jonathan says, No, no, no. If we've learned anything at all, there's only one time and that's now. And there's только один место и это здесь. and don't you think that in the here and now we might not bump into each other once in a while? Go well. Thank you. There are some nice, nice fellows who have been back here working the whole weekend. One last little thought. Work as though you did not need the job. Love as though you have never been hurt, and dance as though no one is watching. Hello everybody, my name is Bart, I'm an alcoholic. If you just want to sit tight for one second I want to thank Don and Jerry For coming out here And sharing with us this weekend And everybody for coming out And making this all possible Jane has a nice way of taking us out If you all just want us to hang out one second Hi, my name is Jane I've been asked to sing Amazing Grace To close this seminar So if you'd all like to stand up And hold hands and sing along Please do Amazing grace, how sweet the sound That saved a wretch like me I once was lost, but now I'm found, was blind, but know I see. T'was grace that taught my heart to fear, and grace my fears relieved. How precious did that grace appear The hour I first believed When we've been there Ten thousand years Bright shining as the sun We've no less days To sing God's praise Than when we'd first begun Amazing grace How sweet the sound That saved a wretch like me I once was lost, but now I'm found, was blind, but know I see.