Daily Inventory and Prayer – Workshop – Part 3 of 3 – Earl H.

Find your way. Ten, continue to take personal inventory and when wrong, promptly admit it. That allows me to not find myself going into a deeper and deeper and deeper and deeper state of resentment, dis-ease, disharmony, so that because I'm only going to do an inventory every five years, that that builds over a period of five years until I get some relief. No, I want the daily experience of the relief being there, of this working, of being free. I don't want to slowly over time, in sobriety, gradually become tethered once again to the disease of alcoholism. I don'T want to end up with the obsession of the mind returning. Now there's another guy I know in the program that says I think I could stay sober and comfortable that way doing half of the things I do. The only problem is they don't know which half that is so I just keep doing all the stuff that I do I'm with that guy I'm WITH THAT GUY I have a great life as a result of what I do. If it works, don't fix it. I've always gone to lots of meetings. I've been sponsored for every moment of my sobriety except for three hours. That's how long after Donald died I had another sponsor. I'm of service. I sponsor a lot of guys. I sponsor some remarkable people, absolutely remarkable people. I also sponsor knotheads. I sponsor a guy who's been around 12 years now. I think he's still with three weeks again. I've sponsored him for 12 years. Question. If you have someone who continuously relapses, Earl, shouldn't you encourage them to seek another sponsor? Yeah. And if he doesn't go, fine. It's not my decision. It's no up to me. Believe me, I'm not the weak link in his game plan. He has been exposed to everything that is necessary to become comfortably sober and stay that way. He just doesn't choose to do it on a regular basis. So he regularly gets loaded. and then he gets to the place where he wants to put a gun in his mouth and he calls me and he comes back and when he wants to tell me how much pain he's in I don't listen to him I say let's I don' t want to hear about the problem let's talk about the solution I'm familiar with the pain and the madness let's take a look let's just talk about how we stay sober and we'll do that for a while and he'll get relief and the minute he gets relief he stops doing it because he's got the relief and then there goes away because he stopped doing it that's the part he seems to miss you get it because of what you're doing then keep doing what you are doing and you will keep getting it you stop doing what your doing it's going to go away you with me that's amazing so eleven we are getting close aren't we getting close eleven I seek through prayer and meditation to improve my conscious contact with God praying for knowledge of his will for me and the power to carry that out I think it's a self-explanatory step. What do I pray for? What should I be praying for? How about I pray for knowledge of His will for me and the power to carry that out? Period. The end, thank you. Why don't I pray for knowledge of His world for me and the prayer to carry that out. Now, I can pray for world peace. I can say I can pay for a new bike on Christmas. I can pray for her I can pray for all of you anything wrong with any of these prayers so far no what could I pray for to take all that into account keep me out of the solution, keep me off of expectation as a result, keep me out of everything except my part in this and align me in a position to be of maximum service to God and my fellows. What could I do to take all that into consideration? How about I pray for knowledge of God's will for me and the power to carry that out? Just right back, boom. Nice and simple. Nice and simply. Pray for that. Can I add stuff? Sure! Can I do stuff instead of that? Absolutely! Donald had a horrible prayer. He'd get mad at somebody, he'd pray for them to get what they deserve. that was as gracious as he could be I used to get a kick out of it somebody would say something to him in a meeting or something that he didn't like we'd all go well, he's going to be praying for that guy knowledge of his will for me and the power to carry that out that's what I pray for that's not what the step tells me to do I seek God it's on me I don't stand there waiting for God to present himself to me I seek god it's an action step I seek God through prayer and meditation. Now, when I went to Al S., after Donald, we sat down and we reviewed my program, and he said, Earl, you're firing on all cylinders. You're doing great. You're catching the buzz. You're spreading the word. You're dealing the deal, man. You're during the deal. Love it. He goes, now about this meditation thing. Do you meditate much? I said, well, what do you mean by much? I'm coming up on 14 years and actually not yet, no. He says, well, I think you should explore meditation. I said, okay. Being a good little AA sponsee, I was deferring to the thinking of my sponsor. I called up a friend of mine and said, about this meditation thing, I think we need to explore it. He said, great. We found a place that was a school for meditation. We took a six-week course on meditation and we began to practice meditation on a daily basis. Why on earth would I, a Westerner, a linear thinker, not so much anymore, But at least my culture raises me to be that kind of way. Think in a very linear fashion, not to approach this spherically at all. Don't let me get started on that. Okay. Right? I'm here. Right? I meditate to quiet the mind so that when the answers come, I can hear them. Okay? I don't get letters in the mail from God. God doesn't talk to me through the radio anymore. But I do get a sense of what the right thing is for me to do when I pray and meditate. The answers come to me in the form of a thought, an idea, an intuition. The book tells me that I'll come to rely upon these things, this sixth sense. It comes to me through meditation. Meditation is one of the most powerful tools available to an individual like me. It is not the nature of the body to be still. It is Not the Nature of the Mind to be Quiet. When I meditate, I sit still and attempt to quiet the mind. And people are always coming up to me and saying, Well, how do you do it? I mean, give me. And I said, well, you want a real, real simple, easy way to meditate? Fine. Sit down on the floor. Sit cross-legged. And if you're, you know, you got a bad back or you got this and you can't do the Lotus thing, don't worry about it. It's in the chair. Just sit down. Sit down. Get comfortable. Spine straight. Relaxed. Palms up in your lap. Get loose. Get easy. You know, head upright. Get comfortable, close your eyes if you want to. If you don't, fine. Mouth slightly open. Breathe in through your nose in a slow and easy motion where there isn't the sense of breathing. So you're not getting that... But just... And then very slowly, out through the mouth. Just very slowly. It's working already. Two guys just went like this. All right? And you breathe in slowly and you breathe out slowly, right? Very simple meditation. Count from one to four. One, two, out with two, in with three, out with four. And then start again. In with one, out would two, and with three out before I will guarantee you that the majority of the people in this room when I just counted from one to four twice, didn't stay with me. You thought about something else. You found some way to object to that. You were in conflict on some level with it or you simply just started to think about him or her or it or when or how or under what circumstances. You just went into something else because that's what we do. This isn't about getting good at staying on one two three four one two three four for the next 20 minutes this is about recognizing when you've wandered off accepting and acknowledging that and coming back to one two tree four it's not about staying at one two three four it's about being willing to come back to it because you're never going to stay there we wander the body's being still the body doesn't like to be still the brain subconsciously while you're counting to four will say tighten up his left butt cheek and you go one two god my ass hurts never mind that back to one two three four back you go one two girl in the fourth row is very attractive oh sorry one two the guy over there to the left laughs a lot i like him he seems to be pleased with me that's all that's required for me to like it shit all right wait one two you just right it's the nature of the mind to scurry about the body doesn't want to sit still right when the glute tension didn't do it right it'll say make his left foot cold what why the hell is my left foot called because your brain is trying to get your ass up out of the chair to go do something You can't sit still, be quiet. But if you keep coming back to this and just experience your resistance to it, which is fascinating when you think about it, that you can't just sit still and be quiet for five minutes. That's alarming. That's absolutely alarming. You start to see the urgent need for the meditation. So you sit and you begin. And this will happen to you. If you do this every morning, it's going to come. You're going to sit down and you're going to count the four once. You're gonna open your eyes and it's been 20 minutes. And you're gonna feel a lot. You woke up exhausted and you sat there for 20 minutes and you got up and you feel balanced. You feel peaceful, you feel calm, but you feel a great sense of energy. Not the caffeine kick, right? This steady, smooth, easy energy is there for you. And you'RE gonna go, wow. And youRE gonna be very, very comfortable with decisions that have to be made that you were really stressing about. Because it's just clear that this is the right thing to do for you. And you can make the decision and then let it go. And not sit there second-guessing yourself for the next two days. You can make a decision and move on with your life. Next. Bring it. Next. And it's okay. It's a remarkably powerful tool. Prayer and meditation. I seek God through these things. Why do I do that? Because without God, I'm in charge. Need I say more? Bad situation. Earl's in charge. Oh, God. We've seen his handiwork. Back to prayer. Turn it over to God. Give it to God, give it to God. Whatever. That's a great prayer, by the way. Whatever. What does it say? Whatever. I surrender. Screw it. Take it. It's up to you. I'm your humble servant. Thy will, not mine, be done. I'm just going to go out here and attempt to maximize my service to you and to my fellows. I'm going to do this. I'm not going to take from them but to see what I can bring to them so that when the newcomer walks in and goes, anybody in here got what I need? Yep. And it has nothing to do with my best thinking. Good news for us all. That's cool. Right? So that's what I do. I seek God through prayer and meditation to improve, to continually, to constantly, to hopefully, without ceasing, improve my conscious contact. Contact awake. Conscious here, now. Conscious of a contact with a power greater than myself. You bet. You bet I have relationships with a few of the people in this room. I can assure you that the nature of those relationships is remarkable to me. Some of the stories I can tell you about things that we've done. A buddy of mine that I haven't seen in a while, I saw him last Friday the 13th when I came here. And he said he walked in today after the break and I got to see him. And whenever I see this guy, it just lights me up. He's not in the room right now. He's in the back so I can talk about him. So when he comes in, shh. His name is Steve. Right? I love this guy. We never talk. We don't have to. He's on the planet. It's a better place for me. I love him. Just love him, man. We were sitting on a beach in the Bahamas one day, right? First of all, need I say more than that, right, this maniac and I are sitting on a beach in the bahamas. Beautiful sands, water, birds, rocks. I mean, we're paradise. Two pagans in the middle of paradise, right. And we're sitting there. This is back when we smoked, and he said, so you've been smoking these Cuban cigars? And I said, yeah, tasty, huh? He said, Yeah, I love them. It's great. We're on a little island in the Bahamas. I think it was called Eleuthera, right? That sounds like an illness, you know, not an island. But there we were. Beautiful place. And I sad, You think we could get some? Now, there's a couple of old dope fiends, right, In an hour, we found Cuban cigars. We got up off the beach, got a ride into town, immediately went to the liquor store. Found a couple of guys. You know a guy that would know a guide that could get us right? We need to tap into the Bahamian underground, right? We're tapped in in eight minutes. we go through a store to the back of the store to meet mama so-and-so who knows the guy who says the word to the bartender over at the club so-in-so owned by the underworld kingpin of this particular island we go to the bar you know, code blue great, box of Cubans comes out right, they open it up you know we take six or seven of them pay the guy, back in the cab we're back on the beach within an hour smoking Cuban cigars You've got to love this guy. That's history between us. We're sitting there just laughing at each other, right? Oh, have us die hard, bro. He'd just tap right in and do that. And we had a blast. And that same guy and I'll sit over dinner and what we talk about is his daughter and how much he loves his daughter and how he's being a good father to his daughter. And then you meet his daughter and you see how she talks to him and you know, God, this child's in good hands. Right? how can I not love this man, right? Do I need to talk to him every day? No. We're on the same path together. I know what he's doing. He knows what I'm doing. We see each other. The other day he emailed me for the first time and it was a picture of him with a very prominent politician. It's hysterical. Standing there with his arm around this politician, right. Talk about worlds colliding, right and I've got this picture and I just sat there and laughed and I had tears in my eyes though about how the world is our oyster, man and jump in and can have this thing. If I continue to take personal inventory and when I'm wrong, promptly admit it. I stay clean and I can go out there and do anything. If I see God through prayer and meditation to improve my conscious contact with God, praying for knowledge of His will for me and the power to carry that out, if I'm doing that, I'm cool. I can get out there and jump in the game. Now, I got one thing left. But when you look at that triangle with a circle around it, right? Mind, body, and spirit brought together as a whole human being. Therein lies the balance that I seek but can't find, drunk or sober, right ? And that AA adopted that symbol and unity is the body, I bring it here. I must be with my fellows. Recoveries of the mind, I work these steps. That twelfth step, having had a spiritual awakening as the result of working these steps, having been restored to sanity, soundness of mind, having been relieved of the obsession to drink and use. Free. Third side of that triangle, spiritual. Service. I can practice these principles in all my affairs. Right? Which is what we're going to talk about when we come back. Step 12. All right, I've got another question. The question is, how many meetings should a newcomer go to? Let me put it this way. I do some work with some sober living homes out in my area, about an hour from where I live, and they require a lot of meetings. If you're going to, if you're working full-time, they require a minimum of 14 meetings a week. All right? The message is this. Nothing, nothing gets in the way of a constant connection and commitment to Alcoholics Anonymous. Working full-etime, terrific. Then you'll only do 14 meetings this week. Get what I'm saying? So those guys are at the 6.15 a.m. meeting and they go to the 6.15 to 17 a.m. meeting at the 502 Club before they go to work. After work, very easy to hit at least one of the many, many meetings that are being conducted in that immediate area. Weekends, doubling up shouldn't be a problem. So two a day is nothing. The record is held by John C., 54 meetings in one week. So if you're a newcomer, I would suggest a meeting a day. Suddenly? Doesn't sound like much, does it? Go to a meeting today. Why not? I think in the beginning, I mean what we're doing in the beginning is different than any other time. What we're doing in that beginning is building a foundation upon which we will stand free men and women. Free of the beast, free of the enslavement of alcoholism and drug addiction. Right? We're building that foundation. I would suggest that it requires constant involvement. Right? I mean I don't want to build an okay foundation. I want to know that my foundation kicks ass. That's what I want to know so i'm going to be involved on a daily basis i'm calling my sponsor every day doing what he asked i'm gonna a meeting a day i went to them they said if they had said to me earl i want you to go to a meeting today for your first five years we'll talk again then i would have said okay you clearly you're still drinking because i ain't doing that the fact of the matter is i went to way more meetings than a meeting day for my first five year way more because i was doubling up on the weekend because I was hanging with my new friends, these sober guys. I was chasing her. She was sober. I needed to look very, very sober. All the wrong reasons. I'm building a very solid foundation. Again, what gets you there? People say, well, you know, I don't know if that's a good way to get to AA. Please. I don't care how you get here. Well, I'm here because the judge made me come. Perfect. I got here because I thought it was a good idea. Perfect. Time here so my wife won't leave me. Perfect? How do you get here and how do you get here? What causes you to stay? Perfect. Right? This ain't about the mindset. You're not going to think your way into right action, you're going to act your way into right thinking. That's what you're gonna do. It's about footwork, man. Let the feet bring the head. Let's face it, when you get here, if you're anything like me, you may have kicked. You may have kicked.You may not have kicked, but let's say the worst case scenario, you come here and you kick, go into meetings. Now, you've kicked.you've dealt with the lesser aspect of your disease. You're now sitting in AA meetings with a head full of alcoholism, right? Beast is whispering in your ear. Oh, he's looking at Beast and he ain't going... Well, he's looking right at you. Smile at him. Yeah, okay, good. It's going on in here. Fine. You brought him here. The ones that I love are the meetings where you go into and the guy raises his hand and says, Earl, the beast is talking to me right now. I mean, it's so loud, I'm surprised you guys can't hear it. Right? It's absolutely unbelievable because you know the beast has sworn you to secrecy and here you are talking out in plain view of other recovering alcoholics. Beast is like, oh, great, that was smooth. I thought it was between us. If you're going to do this, you know what? We're not talking. Excellent. Excellent. Bring it on out in the room. I love the guy who shares his hand and says, Bill, alcoholic. Came here today to tell you all to fuck off. Hate you, hate alcoholics Don't hate you as a group I hate each and every one of you individually Hate AA, hate your pedestrian little book Hate it all Came here to let you know that's where I'm at Thanks for letting me share Half the room goes Well alright, dope Way to go man Keep coming back you sorry son of a bitch i love that guy because you know what that guy felt like that at home and he got up off his ass got in his car and went to a meeting of alcoholics anonymous and they said would anybody like to share he simply responded and told them the truth he's not doing so bad is he yes he has a bad attitude how shocking that one of us would have a bad attitude and he's telling the truth you go back six months later right guess who's making the coffee there and doubling is the GSR he is I remember going out to that Tuesday night workshop that I did for five years straight on sabbatical now and they brought in a guy who was in the house Big Frank. Big Frank is an Hispanic gentleman. Big Frank's been gangbanging his whole life. Big Frank has been in the system since he was a kid. All right? Big Frank got ink. First thing you meet on Big Frank, his neck. You know? I walk up and say, Frank, how are you doing? He goes, come here, you. Let's get something straight. I am here so that I don't do time. This is why I'm here, Mr. Little White Man. and I am going to you say go left I will go left I will do everything that you suggest me to do I will be in total compliance with the program here at this Sober Living facility I will doing everything I got but the minute I got this beef off my back the minute my case is resolved I'm getting high are we clear? I said big frank we are clear now since you're going to be here for a year What'd you say you and I talk a little bit between now and then? Whatever floats your boat, little white man. Off Frank goes, right? Now, Frank was in the back of the meeting, and every day on Tuesday I'd come in and say, Frank, how you doing? Apparently that's just Frank's way of saying hello, you know? Frank and I talked about it a little bit every Tuesday night for a year. i am frank's sponsor now frank just celebrated four years of sobriety not because i'm a sponsor but because frank was willing to talk about it frank was willing to take the actions that were requested of him during the course of that year and as a result the change occurred and frank is a free man frank and i hugged each other and cried when Frank came to me and said, my probation officer has lifted my probation. I'm no longer required to be anywhere or answer to anyone. To which I replied, except me and God. Right, Frank? And he said, well, God. And he's a beautiful human being. And I love Frank. And you walk into a meeting, now, and when you see Frank, this is what Frank is doing. Okay, I say, here's what you do, man. I want you to read the doctor's opinion, all right? And I want you to reading the first eight pages of Bill's story, then you call me right away, okay? And I'm not talking about tomorrow, all right? I'm talking about tonight, all right? All right. And I'm like, okay, right? I got a problem with God? I think not. Big Frank, carrying the message, man. He's fierce. Frank's like, he's like a modern day samurai to me, man The guy's huge He's an amazing human being Doctor told Frank Frank, you gotta lose some Big Frank gotta lose Some weight Frank's heart's about to stop His vision's getting blurred I mean, bad stuff happening, right? Frank said, okay frank lost 100 pounds he's still big frank but he's a much smaller version so how'd you do that he said one day at a time man thank you frank and how cool is this guy right i also sponsor satan I do his name is Louis Offer Lucifer that's his real name Lou Offer he's got a shaved head and two horns of red hair shellacked up into horns he's Got a little beard that swirls down into a point and kind of tips up at the end down about here he's Gotta Devil's tail tattooed up his back he's GOT flames tattooed on his legs like he's standing in the fires of hell and I spoke at a meeting one night and this dude comes walking up and says, bro, you got to sponsor me. Now immediately I become greatly concerned about what it is I'm throwing out there because clearly Satan sees that I am his guy, right? And I have sponsored him. Louis just celebrated 10 years of sobriety. Louis is an amazing human being. Sponsors a lot of guys, helps a lot people. When those little speed freaks on Hollywood Boulevard out in Hollywood, right? I mean, these guys are 14, 15, 16, 17 years old and they come screaming into the Midnight Madness meetings in Hollywood and I mean just in time. If you can imagine 15 years old and getting here just in Time. Come tweaking in off that street in those Midnight madness meetings and they look around and go, Holy shit, the devil got sober. They see Louie standing over there with the horns and the whole thing, right, louis goes walking over and puts his arm around him says it's all right little bro you don't ever have to get loaded again one day at a time if you don' want it and i just want to cry when i see that and they look at him and they go i am so into this right now i could walk up to him and say little brother uh my name is earl i got 22 years clean and sober and i'm gonna i'm going to i'm going to show you how to catch this buzz that is more fierce than anything you have ever known in your life and they'll look at me and go 22 years right either you didn't use like me or there's you're lying there's a lost weekend in there somewhere they'll believe louis they don't believe me they'll belief him they don' t know that when they pass on me and sit down with louis they just move to another seat at the same table and who cares they say well i got a pass i'm gonna go with Lou. I say, okay. I just smile and go, all right, that's a big shift in the game plan, pal. Right? And we all end up, brothers and sisters, doing the same deal, man. The common problem and the common solution drawing us closer and closer together. Step 12, having had a spiritual awakening as the result of doing these steps, that was the whole point, having been restored to sanity, soundness of mind, relieved of the obsession to drink and use, walking the earth a free man. What do I do? Because I've been coming to Alcoholics Anonymous and going to these meetings and talking to this sponsor, going to these bookstores, and I've been take, take, tak, take from you, which is precisely what I should have been doing. It's taken from you. Right? When Donald looked at me and said, Earl, Earl, it's really not necessary that you share because you don't have anything we want. That was a fair and reasonable statement. Sit down, shut up, and listen was really applicable to me. And when they said to me to do that, it was really the kinder, gentler thing to say. If they had said, well, Earl, what do you think? Earl, if my sponsor had called me and said, Earl, would you like to go to a meeting? Would you like to go? Or, Earl we're all going to go over here. Would you join us? This never ever happened. I would come home from work and I'd hit the answering machine and it would be Donald Madden We're meeting at 2nd and Santa Monica at 8 o'clock. The meeting starts at 8.30. You be there by 8, click. Well, thanks for the invitation. I would go be there at 8th. The meeting's at 830. Why am I here at 8? Because there's people here that are newer than you, if you can believe that. There's people who are younger than me. There's actually no even less than you. Maybe you could help them out. Get out of yourself, send a little brain, and help them up. Glad I asked, Donald. Thanks. Go be there for somebody else, right? Oh, okay. And go and do it Go pick up Ed. He's on the corner of 2nd and Santa Monica 6th in Santa Monica Pick him up bring him to Ohio Street fine like I just go and I do it And what happened was I got introduced a contrary action Nobody asked me what I thought but my best thinking was on this we all knew it sucked We're gonna go with his best think and that's the great thing about a sponsor use the best thinking of another That's one of the great surrenders around here, to be willing to go with the best thinking of another. One who has what it is I seek. Comfortable sobriety. Someone who's comfortable sober. Somebody who's free. Somebody who has been relieved of the obsession of drinking used. That's what I'm after. The rest of you hear that? Oh, good. That's good. That's gut. I'm getting really, really tired, man. Because the bells are starting. if it's just me I can roll with it don't I mean I got lots of experience okay right we asked people to turn their cell phones off thank you you saw me go away right there didn't you didn't didn't didn't didn't didn't didn't see it happen I remember being in an AA meeting in the back of Ohio Street on a Saturday night and I couldn't go another step it was about two years sober I was done Saturday night. Couldn't do it. Done. It's too hard. Too damn hard. And I just was caving in, you know? I was just caving in. I couldn't move. And Donald saw me. The main speaker's up talking. And he gets up and he walks up to the podium and he taps the speaker on the shoulder in the middle of his talk. The guy steps aside and he gets up at the podium and he goes, Oh! and I'm in the back of the meeting we're having a meeting now everybody else in the meeting is going who the hell is Earl because I don't talk to anybody but Donald I never took a chip, I didn't take a kick until I was three years sober didn't say a word till I was two and a half I'm a slow burn man I'm a slow burn but I'm still here because every time it came down to the wire every time a line got drawn in the sand I stepped over it somebody said to me how can you get through the fear of letting go how do you get over the fear of letting goes to be able to let go and I said you don't you let go in the face of it we don't wait until we're not afraid to do stuff around here we do it in the case of that fear We take action in the face of the fear. That's how the fear gets relieved. You get what I'm saying? It's the action. You don't have to like it. You don'T have to think it's a good idea, Earl. You just have to do it. So I do it all. I have the awakening. I'm free to the beast. The beast leaves. I'm done. I'm able to, on a daily basis, engage in the behavior that makes it possible for me to walk the earth free of the obsession of drinking juice. I have addressed the obsession of the mind and the allergy of the body life's just getting more and more and miraculous I've been coming to a all this time to take and I've given precisely what I need. What do I do? I now go to meetings to give I Now take the place of the ones who've gone before me I now Go to the meeting and I am not there to take from the meeting But I'm there to be of service to that meeting. I'm here to be an example of what can happen I stand there just buzzing away. And the newcomers come in and go, what's that vibe? Right? Because Fred Ellis is gone. I can't tell them, go stand behind Fred Ellis after the meeting at Thursday Night Brentwood Beginner's Workshop and check that buzz out. Because Fred's gone. But Fred gave that buzz to a lot of men. you can go to that meeting now and there's other guys I can point to, go listen to him when we go to a meeting and a certain guy is speaking and I say to my boys phaser shields down boys this one is safe just let it happen soak this man in because he's going to throw down he's gonna tell you the real deal he's gotta talk about trusting God, cleaning house and helping others Me, God, and you, right? I was in Texas earlier this year, right And I go walk into a room And Circe's sitting there Circe is 92 years old Been married to the same woman for 68 years Sober 57 years Now AA is only what 66 67 Last July June 10 I got a few things left in here circe says oh what are you doing here jesus circe knows my name hi circe i've tell them in tech they should give circe a ring so we got something to kiss when we see him all right because circe used to travel circe and his wife and bill w and his wife used to traveling together they were traveling buddies right back in the beginning days, right? And I had flashback 17 years. I'm five years sober. I've gone nothing but AA meetings. People are saying, let's go to this conference. Let's do this, do this. No, no, no. Man, I got to go to a meeting. I was so afraid of changing anything that I was going to get loaded. I just went to meetings. I am going to meetings and going to meet. And I took a chance and I said there was a conference that was like 20 minutes south of where I was living. And I got in my little car, man. I drove down there. I paid my thing and I went in and I snuck into the back of this meeting, which just terrified me. There was like 2,000 people in this room. And there was a guy named Franklin W. from Olive Branch, Mississippi, standing up there sharing away. And I'm in the back and all of a sudden Franklin W says, I'll sum up Alcoholics Anonymous for you in six words. Those six words being trust God, clean house, help others. And it blew the top of my head off. I had a spiritual experience standing right there. It all fits, doesn't it? All the little things we've been talking about all day, bam there they are trust god clean house help others me god and you steps the whole nine yards it's there it's right there the action plan what i do in meetings how i function on a daily basis from the moment i open my eyes till i go to bed at night trust god cleaning house help others i stay in there i'm on it so i go vibrating out of that deal and i go on about my life and i'm thinking i got this from this guy i don't even know who the hell this guy is trust god cleanhouse up with frank from all the branch mississippi it's like branded in my brain right And I'm going along 17 years later. I'm in Texas. I run into seriously come here boy. How you doing? Good man What's going on? So she goes well, I was just having a conversation this guy over here. I was talking to him about how How well back in the old days when I was hanging out with Bill and stuff, you know, I get goosebumps whoa Hanging out with bill that doesn't come up in conversations a lot guys I know well I was hangin out with will from the co-founder of alcoholics anonymous the largest spiritual movement on the planet today I mean, just an amazing thing that this guy was talking about right because yeah We've been traveling we posed the question because you know there was this guy Franklin W more goosebumps Right Franklin W. Oh Getting weird, right used to go around and be talking about stuff And he goes, you know He was carrying one of the original circuit speaker guys and and and it came out of a conversation Seriously was having with Bill and he said you know what I wonder what it is What program it is that we will we will give to the generations that are yet to come come. I mean, the world changes. Things change, right? What is it? What is the common denominator? What is the core of the heart of this thing that we will pass to the future generations that have yet to come to Alcoholics Anonymous? And Bill said, well, that's easy. Trust God, clean house, help others. Get the top of my head blown off again, 17 years later, talking to, well actually 16 years later, before I turned 22, in Texas earlier this year by Circe. How do you explain this concisely, you know? How do you explain that this is about raising the dead, man? How can you explain how that happens? Well, it's simple. You know, you trust God, you clean house, you help others. Mind, body, and spirit brought together as a whole human being. Therein lies the balance we seek, right? How an individual that's absolutely completely and totally addicted, enslaved by alcohol and drugs could rise up out of a seemingly hopeless state of mind and body. Interestingly enough, something that remains in fact a hopeless state of mind in body for the great majority of us. We come into these rooms and we think this, and this becomes the norm for us. Sober people, people get drunk, they come to AA, they get sober and live happily ever after. That ain't the case. From right here, you could probably throw a rock and hit a hundred people for every one in here that knows they're alcoholic, would love to stop drinking and can't because it's got them by the throat. This isn't the common experience. This is our common experience, but that's us. That's not all alcoholics. This is a rare, remarkable gift. And what I'm asked for this incredible, remarkable blessing in my life is that I engage in this process to go steps 1 through 11. Having had the experience, having been given the remarkable thing, having been restored to sanity, soundness of mind, having been relieved of the obsession to drink, freed from the beast finally after 16 years of mayhem. I'm asked to practice these principles and carry the message. I'm ask to go back to these meetings that have saved my life, to these people that have save my life and pick up the torch that they have set down because they have passed on. To be the one that carries the message of the original 100. To be that guy now, not to be the one who benefits from it, but be the One who is willing to pass that on. It's the only thing Donald Madden ever asked of me. He said, I'll give you everything I've got. Everything. I'm going to ask one thing of you. When you catch this buzz, when it lights up your life, when it goes so far past not drinking and using, it's blowing your mind on a daily basis. When you get that buzz, I want you to give freely to the next guy coming through the door as it's been freely given to you. And I promised him that I would do that. And I've honored that promise every day since. Every day since, and he's been dead eight years, last July 26th. And I will honor that one day at a time until the day I die. Why? Because it works. You can say whatever else you want about this thing, But you must say, and it works. If we work it. The twelfth step is an opportunity. What it does is it proves to me that I can view life in a completely different manner. An example. How many of you were forced at some time during the course of your life to stand in lines? when you go to the market you have to stand in a line when you grow up when you goto the DMV you haveto stand ina line when you goto the movies you haveta stand inaline when you cross a bridge you gotta waitin' line don't ya may I suggest that you don't have to that you get to you're gonna wait either way you can choose to have to wait if you wish i choose to get to it i get to change the way i perceive it that i get to be a man among men i'm not locked in a cage i'm not buried i've lived two decades beyond anything anybody expected i ran into an old family friend not too long ago who said to me you know we're very proud of you and i said why because pride's got nothing to do with my life and they said she's a normie And she said, well, you know we had to let you go. We loved you, but we had to let your go, all of us. We'd all let you go because it was too painful to watch and there was no way you were going to survive the course of your life. And we knew it and we accepted it and we let you go. You were 27 years old. I'm 50. Now, I know you're shocked to hear that because I look so wonderful. Heroin is a remarkable preservative. But you get what I'm saying? Look, it's huge, this thing. This goes so far past not drinking and using. There's a buzz here so powerful, and all you got to do is get here. Right here, right now. See, this is the thing, right here, right now, that I lost. That's what alcohol and drugs took away from me. Because right Right here, right now, I'm self-centered and I'm afraid. Right here right now I'm comparing my insides to your outsides and I am losing every time. Right here and right now I can't do it. I'm too frightened. But you put drugs and alcohol in me and I feel like I can function in the world. Ultimately what it does is it takes right here, right now away from me. I like to think that I like alcohol, heroin, barbiturates. These are a few of my favorite things, right? This is where I like go down and out. My idea of a good night is just sitting around checking my pulse. That's a good night. that, I'll take the cocaine. Right? Can't go down, let's go up. Because it's not about down or up, it's about getting out of right here, right now. And right here right now is all there is. There's nothing else. This is it now. This where I'm going to know dignity as a man. This was where I am going to experience freedom. This what I'm gonna know peace. This is where I going to love you. This why I am gonna feel love. Something I never felt in my life before coming here. You could tell me you love me. I didn't understand. I couldn't let it in. Now I feel loved. It's an amazing, warm, nurturing feeling. It is like a blanket. It's a remarkable thing. Now, Alcoholics Anonymous gave me back now. Right now. I lost it to the beast. Got it back here. Nothing can happen at any other time than right now. So when I go to a meeting with whatever attitude I have and I sit down and some guy comes up to me and says, Earl, can I ask you a question? Or thanks, you said this and thanks or that. I feel like I have purpose and I have value in my life. And I came here without either. What I discover in the doing of it and in the being of service and going back to take, give instead of take is I start to find where the real buzz is. It is in working with the new people. It is feeling like I'm in the game because I'm willing to face my worst fear to come here. You know? and then I'll get on another plane tomorrow. I landed here and I was thinking about, you know, I've never seen the United States. I could get a car and drive home because I don't want to do that again. And I'll be like, I'll go get on the plane and I'll fly home. And I'm not doing any of it because I'm a good guy. It's got nothing to do with it. I'm doing it because I am a fine example of Alcoholics Anonymous. You know why I'm going it? because I'm catching such a powerful buzz being one of you. I don't want to give it up. I don' t want to give it up. I like the buzz. I'm as big a pig sober as I was using. I was never interested in a little bitty baby buzz out there. You never heard me say, no thanks, I've had enough. If you can say it, it's not true. He understands. Uh-uh man. I never said, no more for me, I'm driving. Never said that. Never. No, no, you can have that last little bit. I'm fine over here. Shut up. Never said that. And I'm not any different in here. Right? I work all 12 steps in order. I go to regular meetings regularly. I look my sponsor in the eye every Monday night. I do what he asks me to do. I say yes to AA requests, far beyond what anybody in my personal life seems to think is reasonable. I thank them for sharing. I'm catching a huge buzz. I was exhausted when I got here. I was exhausted. Perfect example, last night. I'm exhausted. A guy picks me up. It takes an hour and 50 minutes to go to the hotel. I get to the Hotel. I go upstairs. You can touch the walls in the room. There's a single bed, a little TV. I'm very fortunate, apparently, to have my own bath. The lobby is fabulous. But once you're in, there's a whole new awakening when you hit your floor. Ava's looking at me like, oh Lord, just hang with me. And I get there and I look at this room and I go, what the hell is this shoebox? I've never been in a hotel room this small for Christ's sake. Bathroom's bigger than the room. How am I supposed to watch that TV from there? I mean, literally, the single bed is half the room, right? My nightstand is my suitcase. And I'm thinking, Jesus Christ. And then I'm exhausted, right? And then the street noise. Apparently, you're all shooting at each other all the time because the sirens are endless. The sirens were going and the ambulances and the police and it's just... And they're all... Apparently, this is all happening on my block. I mean, I got two hours sleep. But you know what happened to me in the middle of the night? I'm laying there and I thought to myself, you can look at this any way you want. And I remembered being in boarding school when I first started getting loaded in my dorm room. It's about that size. And I remember being in that dorm room and being miserable all the time. Has nothing changed? Earl, has nothing changed or can you be quite comfortable here? And I thought to myself, you know, it's warm enough in here. I don't feel cold. The TV, by God, it is a color TV. Right? The bathroom, lovely. The bed? Nobody in it but me. Plenty of room, right? Suddenly I liked my hotel room. I was gonna go downstairs to the lobby. I had figured it out in my head. I would get downstairs and I would simply say I'm in New York. I'd try to get a little New Yorkish about it so I would say okay I'd say hi Earl H 1616 the room sucks give me another room not can you get me another room just get me another room it doesn't have to be in this building it could be in another hotel just you get it I'm not by the time I got up this morning I went downstairs the front desk said how are you I said fabulous having fun I'm kind of high I've had two hours sleep I'm going to go sit in front of a bunch of people and talk about strange things it's gonna be great I feel okay right I go to the lobby there's a couple of people there to meet me I didn't know him but I knew who they were the minute I saw him a bunch of people in the lobby. There they are, there they are. How you doing? Good. Haven't slept. Room like a shoebox. Okay, let's go. Look forward to going back to my little room. Very little care is needed to keep it very neat and tidy. Right? You pick your perception of things. What's going to work for you? Life on life's terms is life on life terms. The 12-step gets me out of myself, has me being of service to other people. Out of self, more God. Whether I believe in God, understand God, irrelevant. It's happening. I can just out of self more God, out of itself more God it's going, it's working, I'm in the world, I am having fun. I am allowed to change my perception of everything as a result of this process. I am able to look at it any way I want. It is what it is, right? I don't have to go into denial and say, well Earl, that's crazy. You are not in reality here. hell I'm not I'm a completely reality based guy but I can see the positive in things from before I couldn't see it which makes my life better I'm having a very good time as you can see right now my left leg is completely numb I cannot feel my left foot I've been standing here all day while you guys lounge comfortably in your little auditorium seats. That's why I get paid the big dough to stand up here. But guess what? All you got today was me. Look what I got. Look what we got. Look what they got. sure you look it's Margaret thank you no I brought you here but great look at that how cool is that that's what I've been looking at all day y'all should be up here it's incredible but then you wouldn't be able to see you out there so forget it. Look at them. Powerful. That's a powerful group. Those are drug addicts and alcoholics. All of them. They're drug addict and alcoholic. This is Maggie. See how they are, how nice and pleasant they are? They said hi, Maggie. Isn't this nice? I mean, isn't it amazing? Look at him. Look at Norman smiling over there. He's actually asleep. He's able to do that. Right? Should be dead. They're not. Saturday, it's raining outside. You stay home on a Saturday when it's raining outside, right? Look at them all here. Who they come to see. A total stranger babbling from Los Angeles. We all know those people are crazy. California people. And there they are, look at them. Being supportive of me, smiling at me. I love them. I get you I get Tony and Tom I get Steve I get all these guys right I get Norman over here I get these guys that I had lunch with a hand lunch with a bunch of guys we have this great time right everybody eat everybody together talking about being alive and sober and free that's what we're doing if you're new if some of you are here i met somebody with 51 days during one of the little breaks right congratulations yeah there you are congratulations you know turn around and walk back in the teeth your disease be involved in something like this above and beyond going to meetings you know it's not required of you but there's a buzz to be had here the people in this rooms are the ones that are getting it there was a woman who came to me it was great too and i get i gave you give so freely to me the last break i'm walking up and i'm talking to jackie and jackie goes you know The way I do it is, I think that when I pray, I'm talking to God. And when I meditate, I're listening to God." And I thought, I love that. I've got to pass that on to them. That basically is how I got all the information I've passed on to you today. It's from others who walk this path with us. Everything I've gotten. I didn't come here with any of this. I got it here. So it's available to all of us. We just pass it around and share it. it's our truth, it's out experience, it is our journey. So participate as best you can. Be a part of this. Laugh with us the healing. Have a good time. Revel in it. Don't take yourself too seriously but take this very seriously. Right? It's gotta be fun man. Make it fun. There's only one thing in this book that they say they insist on. We absolutely insist upon enjoying life. That's the only thing in here that they insist on. And I suggest that that's precisely what we should do. So when you find yourself unavoidably in a line, you get to be in the line. When you find myself unavoidable in traffic, good, you get the stop for just a little bit. Right? More music. More quiet. The option is available to you. When you got here, weren't you the kind of person that when you were in the apartment, the TV had to be on at all times? When you're in the car, the radio has to be on at all times. God forbid you should be left with the sound of what's inside your head. You've got to be distracted at all time. How nice now to be able to drive down the road and just be quiet. I kept saying that the place that I'm trying to get to in my life is when they say, Earl, we're going to put you in this little box and we're gonna put you there for 24 hours. You can take everything you need to be happy, to have a great time. You can do anything You can even take anything you want with you into the box. Just give us the list and we'll give it to you. For me to have a blast in the box, all I need is some water. That's it. I don't need anything else. I've been trying to get the list as short as I can possibly get it so I can be happy, joyous, and free without the need of outside components. Me from the inside out. My mind. Get to be me in there. Comfortable. Having a good time. Digging it. Catching a buzz. What do I need? A little water would be nice for 24 hours. But that's all I needs. That's a cool thing. the list used to be extremely long. It's not anymore. That's freedom for a guy like me, right? I'm just, I'm fine. And it's a result of being with you. I hope you got something out of this. I've really enjoyed being withyou and I wish you peace. I'll see you soon. Thank you.