The Phenomenon of Craving – BB Study – Pasadena – Part 1 of 2 – Joe and Charlie

The physical manifestation of the allergy to strawberries is a rash. The manifestation ofthe allergy to milk is dysentery. The manifestationof the allergyto ragweed is itchy, watery eyes, sneezing. The manifestationo the allergytoo alcohol, you can't see it. You can only feel it. and it is an actual physical craving of the body that occurs after we've put two or three drinks in it. And he calls it a phenomenon of craving. The only reason he used the term phenomenon is he did not understand why it happened. But by working with thousands of alcoholics, he saw that craving take over in the body after they had started drinking over and over and over again and he's the first man to come up with this idea now but later on we're going to see that medical profession today has actually proven that the physical craving takes over so the word craving is another one of those words that we must use and understand as the writer used them understood them. And it always deals with the body, not the mind. The words used with the mind are words such as obsession or desire, but not craving. Craving in the big book always is the manifestation of the physical allergy, and it occurs in the body and not in the mind." A good textbook never tells you something, but what it does is repeatedly back it up with the examples. On Roman numeral 28, he's going to give us an example. He's going to talk about five alcoholics, and then he's going to make a point. He said, The classification of alcoholics seems most difficult, and in much detail is outside the scope of this book. There are, of course, the psychopaths who are emotionally unstable. We're all familiar with this type. They're always going on the wagon for keeps. They over abortion and make many resolutions but never a decision. Type one. There is a type of man who is unwilling to admit that he cannot take a drink. He plans various ways of drinking. He changes his brand or his environment. Type two. There is a typo who always believes that after being entirely free from alcohol for a period of time, he can take a drank without danger. Type three. There's the manic depressive type who is perhaps the least understood by his friends and about whom a whole chapter could be written. Type four. Now, I always felt I was a type 5. He said, then there are types entirely normal in every respect, except any effect alcohol has upon them. They are often able, intelligent, friendly people. Type 5. And I used to read that and I'd say, how the hell did he know so much about me? Now he makes his point. All these, and many others, have one symptom in common. Why? They cannot start drinking without developing the phenomenon of craving. This phenomenon, as we have suggested, may be the manifestation of an allergy which differentiates these people and sets them apart as a distinct entity. It has never been by any treatment which we are familiar permanently eradicated. The only relief we have to suggest is entire abstinence. Now think what he said to us is this, that if all we alcoholics in this room this morning should take a drink, You know, God forbid that happened. But if we did, we would not all react exactly the same. In just a few minutes, one of us would be over in a corner crying in our beer. Oh, boo-hoo-hoo, the world's not treating me right. In just A Few Minutes, one Of Us Would Be Right Out In The Middle Of The Floor Hooping And Hollering And Dancing And Cutting Up And Having A Hell Of A Good Time. Just A Little While, If You Look Back Over In The Far Corner, There Will Be Two Of Us Getting In A Fight. It Sure Is Anything. Look over in the other corner, there'll be two of us over here, one putting the make on the other. We tend to do that also when we drink, you know. We would do many different things. But if we're a real alcoholic, there's one thing every one of us would do. We'd start looking for a second drink and a third drink and a fourth drink and a fifth drink. We've triggered the allergy now. The phenomenon of craving has developed in the body. now then we can't stop and we drink until we're drunk and we're sick and we are in all kinds of trouble and it doesn't make any difference when that happened in our life some of us were born with it some of Us drank Ourself into it it doesn' t make any Difference that's the way We are today how do I know that's the way we are today because we wouldn't be here if we wasn't that way today if we could drink without getting drunk you know where we'd be well we'd Be out there drinking without getting drunk. We're here because we can't do that. And it doesn't make any difference how long it takes us to get drunk. You know, this allergy is so pronounced in me. If I'd take a drink right now at 10, 20 in the morning, I'll guarantee you by one o'clock in the afternoon I've found the policeman and I'm in jail somewhere. Some of you may have one or two drinks today, three or four tomorrow, five or six the next day, and it It may take you a week to find your policeman and get in jail, but what difference does it make? The first drink today is what sets the allergy in motion. Now that's what we've got in common in AA. Doesn't make any difference how old we are, how young we are. Whether we're male or female, black or white. Doesn't making any difference whether we're Republican, Democrat, whether we'RE Christian or Jew. You know, it's all beside the point. The one thing that we have in common as alcoholics is the physical allergy to alcohol. Now, a person who's not alcoholic will never experience that physical allergy. They will never know what we're talking about because they will never feel it. We're the only people in the world that understands the feeling that comes after you've had a couple of drinks of alcohol and the allergy takes over and the craving develops and then you can't stop. That does not happen to normal people. Only alcoholics crave alcohol. This was given to us by Dr. Silkworth. Now, for years the medical profession poo-pooed that information. And as Joe said, finally in 1955 they did accept the fact that we have a disease. Today they've literally proven it. Let's take a look at a little picture for just a moment before we take our break at the physical side of this disease, the physical allergy to alcohol. In 1939, when the book was written, they knew very little about metabolism, didn't know what happened when food went in the body to a great extent. Today they do. They know today if I eat a piece of beefsteak, which I did last night, that my mind and body will recognize what that material is and my mind will signal certain organs of my body to produce some things called enzymes which attack that beefsteak and break it down and separate it into usable and unusable items. That from the beefsteAK I could get the protein, the amino acids, the vitamins my body needs and that that I can't use, my body will dissipate normally through the urinary, through the intestinal tract. It does the same thing with a liquid that it does with a solid. Given time, our body will metabolize anything we put in it, providing it's not a poison that kills the body before it can do so. In the center line, we have those nine people who drink safely or who are at ease with alcohol. They take a drink, the mind and body recognizes what it is The enzyme production starts The enzymes attack the alcohol and break it down first to acetaldehyde Then to diacetic acid, then to acetone Now after acetone it's broken down to a simple carbohydrate Which is made up of water, sugar and carbon dioxide The sugar will be used by the body It will burn it as energy. It will store the excess as fat. Those are empty calories, no amino acids, no vitamins, but a form of energy which the body can and will use. The water will be dissipated through the urinary and intestinal tract, the carbon dioxide through the lungs. The normal social drinker can metabolize, completely eliminate and do away with approximately one ounce of alcohol per hour. That's their average. And if they don't drink more than an ounce per hour, they can never get drunk. And very seldom will a normal social drinking drink more that one ounce per hours. Remember, they get a slightly tipsy, out-of-control, nauseous feeling. and they have a warning system that stops them. If you're drinking with one of them and they're drinking more than an ounce per hour, you better stand way back because they're going to puke all over you after a while. The left-hand side is the one who does not drink safely or who is at dis-ease with alcohol. And that's all the word disease means, something that separates you from the norm. alcoholic takes a drink puts it in the body the enzyme production begins it attacks the material breaks it down to acetaldehyde diacetic acid then to acetone now it seems as though the enzymes necessary to completely metabolize it though are not there in the same qualities and quantities as they are in the non-alcoholic therefore the breakdown rate when you get down to acetone is at a much slower level, takes a much longer period of time to break it down from acetone to the simple carbohydrate. The acetone in the system itself, it's a well-known fact today that it mixes with certain chemicals in the brain cavity and causes an actual physical craving for more of the same. It goes through that acetone stage in the body of the non-alcoholic, so fast that never happens, but in the alcoholic it remains there is acetone long enough to develop an actual physical craving which demands more of the same. Now, the mind caused us to take the first drink, but after we put the first drink in our system, then the craving developed by the acetone causes us to take the second drink and then the third drink and in the fourth drink and in the fifth drink. Now I think what's so interesting, if you look at it very closely, if the acetone from the first drink produces the phenomenon of craving and causes me to take the second drink, then when I take the second drink the acetome level will go up. I'll have most of that left from the fist and I add that from the second end of the body and the acetote level goes up. And when it goes up, the craving becomes harder. And then I take the third drink, and I've got the acetone from the first, second, and now from the third, and the aceton level goes higher in the body, and physical craving becomes more powerful. That's why at midnight when everybody else has gone home. We've had 21 drinks, and we're laying out in the parking lot and they run over us and broke our leg and we probably puked all over ourselves and they ran up and say, can we help you? And we say, my God, yes, give me another drink. You can't fill that hole because with each drink you put in the craving becomes stronger and stronger and stronger and we want to drink worse at midnight than we did at 7 o'clock in the evening. I think another very interesting thing about this is that not only do we have a disease, but we have progressive disease. If it stayed the same, we might learn to live with it. But we know that it never stays the same. It always gets worse. Two reasons for that. One, today the medical profession knows that acetone is a destroyer of human tissue. and as we drink over a period of years and the acetone resulting from the alcohol destroys human tissue it seems as though the first two organs of the body that usually attacks first happen to be the liver and the pancreas today they know that the enzymes necessary to metabolize alcohol are being produced by the liver and the pantries and aswe destroy those two organs The enzyme production becomes less and less. Then the physical craving becomes harder and harder as the years go by. We also know that as we get older, everything that the body produces begins to shut down. You know, I wish that were not true, but it is true. I'll guarantee you that I know from experience. I haven't had a drink in a little over twenty years. but if i'd take a drink today i wouldn't start where i left off 20 years ago the phenomenon of craving would be much more powerful the drinking would be much harder and the resultant trouble would be much difficult much more difficult because of the fact that i cannot metabolize alcohol as well today as i did when i quit drinking 20 years ago so for two reasons we are in the grips of a progressive disease, one, damage to the body, two, the aging factor. Now today the medical profession has proven this. There's no longer any doubt about it at all. Every successful treatment program in the world today is based upon the doctor's opinion, which appears in the first pages of the big book Alcoholics Anonymous. A real, real phenomenon, I think. Joe, where do you go? Hell, you ain't Joe. You're Al. You the wrong damn cop. As we move back, we have determined part of the problem. Now, as an allergy of the body, a physical allergy which is manifested or indicated by the craving of alcohol we also determined there and today with the present knowledge of the body maybe one day he says we will be able to treat this but even yet today we haven't developed that knowledge you do not know that much about enzymes and when you're allergic to something you go to a doctor he usually indicates what your allergic to and he cannot treat it he but he would tell you to leave that alone so he cannot treat it except by telling us total abstain that is the way we deal with most allergies so we understand what the problem is and we understand really the solution is not to take the first drink now that's too simple for an alcoholic if you never take the first drink you will never experience the craving of alcohol now so because of the physical allergy we understand part of the problem is we can't safely drink alcohol later on in our book is going to say this is good to know it's great to understand that and every alcoholic should unfairly understand his disease but then a book says later on though the main problem of the alcoholic centers in his mind. It's great to know about the physical allergy, but the main problem of the alcoholic cell is in his mind, not his body. You know, the fact that we can't drink it would be academic if we didn't take the first drink anyway. And the first drank is giving back and selling the mind. So now we're going to look at the main problem. You see, I always associate this problem with another problem I have, and maybe to kind of help you i don't understand but you know i have i know there may be many things in my life i can't do but i know i can drink i proved that for 16 years and then it's great to know why i can drank now i know because i have a physical allergy i have another problem too i can swim either i never learned to swim in my life we didn't have swimming pools in my neighborhood at that time where i grew up so i can't swim there's two things i can drink and i can swim but you know it's a whole lot different between swimming and drinking you know i never had an obsession to jump in a swimming pool i mean my mind i mean i see i don't have no mental thing with that so But see, my mind was always trying to tell me to do something that my body couldn't do. My mind was trying to tells me to drink and I can't drink alcohol. So therefore we're going to look at the main problem is up here in the mind, not the body. Everybody gives Dr. Silkworth credit for determining the physical allergy. But very few people give him credit for also being able to show us what's wrong with our mind as well as with our body. If we'll go to the bottom of Roman numeral 26, he now begins to talk about the mental side of our disease, the abnormality of the mind. He said men and women drink essentially because they like the effect produced by alcohol. Now a lot of alcoholics are offended when you say that. They say, no, that's not why I drink. I drink because I love the taste of alcohol. And I wouldn't argue with them whether they do or not. You know, I love to taste cold beer. Always have, all my life. I also love to tastes cold mountain spring water. I never did sit down and drink a case of cold mountain spring water, but that beer's got some alcohol in it, and alcohol does something for me that nothing else ever did. Always on the outside of the crowd looking in. and I always wanted to be a part of, always knew I could not be, always knew that whatever I said, whatever I did would be wrong. People would laugh. I would be embarrassed. And one night somebody gave me a drink of moonshine. And that alcohol went in my system, and all those fears and those worries and those anxieties disappeared. And I was allowed that night to function as a normal teenager. I was allows to ask a girl to dance. I was allow to take her home from the dance. I was allowed to get her in the back seat of a 36 Chevrolet and do some things I'd been wanting to do for a long time. I loved the effect alcohol had upon me. That's why most people drink, because of the effect produced by alcohol. The sensation is so elusive that while they admit it is injurious, they cannot after a time differentiate the truth from the false. To them, their alcoholic life seems the only normal one. And I think this is one thing we must recognize in dealing with alcoholism. The practicing alcoholic cannot see where they are. Oh yeah, they will admit that alcohol is injurious to them. Sure, it gets me in jail once in a while. Yeah, it causes me to lose my job. But they really cannot differentiate the truth from the false. To the practicing alcoholic, what they're doing is absolutely normal. It's all the other people that's out of step. Now he begins to describe to us how we feel whenever we're sober before coming to AA. They are restless, irritable, and discontented. Remember all the times when we used to get sober and we wasn't going to take another drink as long as we lived and we'd run around not feeling worth a damn, restless, irritable, discontented. And if you're a good practicing alcoholic filled with shame, fear, guilt, and remorse over the last drunk or two, running around wanting to feel better and not knowing how to feel bad. He said they are restless, irritated, and discontent unless they can again experience a sense of ease and comfort which comes at once by taking a few drinks. We run around, we don't feel good, we want to feel better. Our mind begins to remember the sense of ease and comfort that comes from taking a couple of drinks. It doesn't look at the end of the drunk. It looks only at what we're going to get out of the first two drinks. Drinks which they see others taking with impunity. Now after we have succumbed to the desire again, after we've given in to the idea of the First Couple of Drinks, and we take the first couple of drinks and the phenomenon of craving develops, they pass through the well-known stages of a spree emerging remorseful with a firm resolution not to drink again. This is repeated over and over and unless this person can experience an entire psychic change, there is very little hope of his recovery. Now I think what the doctor is saying to us is this, that if we don't do something about the way we live. If we don't find a way we can live where we can have some peace of mind and serenity and happiness and sobriety at the same time, then our mind is going to always go back to the idea of the sense of ease and comfort which comes at once by the first couple of drinks. And the idea that we can drink, the idea of what we're going to get from the first couple of drinks pushes out all other ideas, and that it doesn't let us see the hospital and the jailhouse and the divorce court at the end of that drunk. It only concentrates on the ease and comfort that comes by the first two drinks, and then that idea causes us to take the first few drinks. And then the first 2 drinks trigger the allergy, and THEN we can't stop drinking. Now he says, on the other hand, and strange as this may seem to those who do not understand, once a psychic change has occurred, the very same person who seemed doomed, who had so many problems in his spirit of ever solving them, suddenly finds himself easily able to control his desire for alcohol, the only effort necessary being that required to follow a few simple rules. So the key to this thing, since we can't do anything about the allergy, about the body, the key of this thing is to have some changes up here in our head, changes in mental attitudes where we can be sober and peaceful and happy and free at the same time. And if we can be soberand feel good, then we don't need the sense of ease and comfort from a couple of drinks of alcohol. But if all we do is get sober and don't make any changes and keep the same old mental attitudes, then sooner or later the mind's going to search for relief. And it always goes back to that idea of what's going come from the first couple of drinks, that ease and comfort, never looking beyond that. So not only has he told us what's wrong with us, He's told us what we'll need to have in order to recover a psychic change, a change in the mind and mental attitudes. The real problem of the alcoholic center is in the body rather than in the heart. In the body. Joe? Okay, as we've illustrated on this illustration, the main problem is the mental. We're determined we can't drink because of this side. Over here we illustrate this by looking at our emotional life We are God's greatest creation We say there is nothing on earth as complicated as we humans You know, we have a very complex physical life And we also have a Very Complex Emotional Mental Makeup And we have A lot of different emotions here Which we're going to find later on that all of these are necessary for a complete life. But no one is, everyone has problems with this. We alcoholics think we corner the market, but all people have problems with their emotions. In fact, this is a result of, this isthe root cause of all human problems, basic emotions out of control, misdirected instincts. These cause a lot of behavior, crime, mental illness, suicide, everything else. All emotional problems begin right here. And as these emotions build up, they become a problem and they become painful. The alcoholic or drugs or drug addict or whatever we are to be, somewhere along the line as we begin to experience this problem, we have a few drinks. And we notice that when we have few drinks, the few drinks come back over and depress our emotions. now once you do this and it works for you you remember that our book says you remember that and do we remember that and if usually when we find out that a few drinks of alcohol makes us feel better as a result when we drink well the next time we become restless in the area of discontent we remember our solution a few drinks become our solution. And then we add that together. And once we add that together in our minds, psychologically it becomes addiction. Addiction means to remember success mentally. And addiction is a part of the human personality. You know, we think of addiction as everybody has addiction. We remember what kind of deodorant we use. We use the same thing. We go to the same barbershop. We do the same beauty shop. You repeat success. Addiction is a part of the human process, and it's a success mechanism if it's used in the right place. It's when we misuse these things. So we build up and we remember that, and next time we build up to that pain level. When we reach everybody has an individual pain level, no two people have the same buildup. This is why we're going to do our own individual inventory because here we are unique. But once we reach this level, we trigger the idea to drink. And this is an idea that overcomes all other ideas or an obsession. It's an idea that overcomes all other ideas. The idea to drink and get this sense of ease and comfort pushes out all other ideas. Weeks ago, because we can only see how great it's going to make us feel. Totally impossible. So we build up and it triggers the idea to drank, and the idea to drank makes us take the first few drinks. This is a trick of the mind. Now, once we take the first few drinks, then it comes over and triggers a phenomenal craving. Now we're drinking because of the body. The craving makes us continue to drink, and we go through the well-known spree, emerging with a firm resolution. We repeat our alcoholic national anthem, I Will Never Do That Again. and we're really serious you know we're really serious but then we become restless irritable and discontented again and this is caused by everyday living problems like going to work ringing the time clock stopping for gas things that people do every day makes us restless irritably discontent contented things that we can't escape we build up to that point again, it becomes painful. But remember the sense of ease and comfort that would come at once by taking a few drinks. Drinks that we'll see others take with impunity. So we reach over and have a few drinks again. They come back over and trigger our phenomenal crave to go through the well-known spree. Dr. Silkworth said this is repeated over and over again, this vicious cycle, because the mind is making us put alcohol into the body. The chemical deficiency It gets worse. We don't produce enough chemistry to metabolize alcohol, and as that becomes worse, the craving becomes harder. As the craving become harder, the drinking becomes harder, and as the drinking become harder the more emotional problems we've got on this side to trigger it up back. So the mind is destroying the body, and the body in reverse is destroying them out. And we summarize these two things together. If you have a physical allergy, you can't drink safely. If you Have the mental obsession, you Can't quit. And if you Can'T drink because of the body and Can'T quit because of The mind, then you are powerless over alcohol. This is the first step in recovery, understanding the problem. Now, I love this statement, and it has profound. It says, we find that the solution is simple once you understand the problem. But you've got to understand the problems. Dr. Silkworth gave this to us. He said the solution, we believe, is over here in the mind, and there really is. And I don't know about you, but for many years I tried to control my drinking while drinking. I don' t know if any of y'all have tried that. I see the algae always got me. I didn't know why. But now, after about 13 years of drinking, I didn' t know anything about the allergy, but even as stupid as I was, you know, I said one day, I say, You know, Joe, I don' t believe you can drink. So then I got the profound idea, Well, if you can't drink, just quit. I didn''t know you couldn' t quit. I found out my problem wasn' t quitting anyway. I could quit three times a day. I was good at quitting but I couldn't stop starting Starting wasn't a problem Okay So I came over on this side And I decided to quit drinking So I had the emotional build up I was restless, irritable and discontented So what I did What I decided To do When the alcohol gets ready to stop I got out my best weapon I got old Will out And put him in there I said I'm through with drinking Sick of him Will and i was restless here i'm discontent obsessions of rain came at me constantly but i blocked him with willpower for about nine months and one morning one of them little devils got through and i Was gone again you know you can never be successful with will power will power is great as long as you see what you're about to do is wrong it is wrong for you And for nine months, it was wrong for me to drink. Willpower worked fine. There's one thing, a trick about the alcoholic man and about the obsession. Finally, one morning he told me, hey, it's all right to drink, you know, and then willpower didn't work. So we can't be successful here with controlling the alcohol. We can't even be successful there. We can be successful in the world here. But there is a solution to this. Dr. Silkworth said it's psychic change. If we could make some changes sufficient in our personality, if we could live below this line down in here somewhere, if we Could Live Below This Line, make some small personality changes, we would never reach this point. We would never trigger the obsession, and the obsession would never take a drink, and we could Live With The Allergy. This is the solution. Once we understand the problem, we can identify the area in which the changes can be made and recovery can take place. And this is where the second step came from this step. It came to believe that a power greater than ourselves can restore us to sanity, our personality changes sufficient to recover from alcoholism. If we could find a way to live where we could have some changes in mental attitudes, then we wouldn't be so restless and irritable and discontented. We might find a way to live where we could have some peace of mind, serenity and happiness and sobriety at the same time. A change in mental attitudes, Dr. Silkworth refers to that as a psychic change. Later on we're going to see it referred to as a personality change, a spiritual experience, a spiritual awakening, several different terms used to describe the same thing. The attitude of the mind whenever we're sober. Okay, we see the problem. We see that we're powerless over alcohol because we're physically allergic to it, because we have an obsession with the mind. We seethat we're absolutely powerless and our life, if it hasn't become unmanageable, sure will if we keep on fooling with alcohol long enough. Now, let's now look at an example, again in textbook theory, of a man who has that problem. You know, if you were going to medical school and you were studying alcoholism, probably after they told you about it in a classroom setting, they would say, now let's go out on the wards and we're going to meet and see some of these people we've been talking about. Bill's story is the classic example. Of an alcoholic. We almost have to go back to 1939 to see the real strength in Bill's story and where it really fits. In 1939, they were doing the same thing then that we do today, wherever they could. They went out and talked to an individual on a one-on-one basis. Today, we call that a 12-step call. So, before 1939, they didn't have a 12-step. They didn't call it a 12 step call. They called it a visit. And they would go visit with a new alcoholic. And they were telling their story to the new alcoholic just like we do today. And through the telling of their story, they could help the new alcoholics see the disease. I'm talking about our allergy and our obsession with the mind. They'd be able to help the new alcoholics see their disease. But they knew when the big book was printed, the first person out here in California, they wouldn't be ableto see them on a one-on-one basis. So the telling of the story had to be done through the book. And Bill's story fits in here as a classic example of a 12-step call as we know it today. Because as you read Bill's story, you can identify with another alcoholic. Now a lot of people say, well we can't identify with him because after all he was a New York City stockbroker or speculator, or we were not, or a night school lawyer, or Yankee. But anybody that reads Bill's history, they're going to be able to identify with Bill. And Bill's stories can surely find plenty of identification as they go through his story, seeing his disease of alcoholism and see it progress. and see Bill until he becomes absolutely powerless over alcohol, until his life becomes unmanageable. Then in Bill's story, we see Bill recover from his disease. The same thing we do today when we're talking to a new alcoholic. We talk about also our recovery, and Bill's Story shows that. And any alcoholic who can read it and identify and see him recover can begin to believe that maybe that could happen to me also. and it kind of holds out hope that there might be an answer for this hopeless condition of the mind and the body. In Bill's story, rather than go through the identification process, you all can do that any time you read his story, I think what I'd really like to do is we'd get on over into Bill's study to about page 8. And on page 8, Bill had been placed in the hospital twice already, once in 1933, once in 1934. Then on our missed-to-stay 1934, Bill has started drinking again and he'd been drunk now for several days. And finally, Ebi came to see him So that's the area we're going to get into On page 8, second paragraph He's talking about here when he left that hospital the second time Now this is the summer of 1934 And he said No words can tell of the loneliness and despair I found in that bitter morass of self-pity Quick sand stretched around me in all directions I had met my match. I'd been overwhelmed. Alcohol was my master. Now, we believe this is when Bill took step one. No step one written in those days. But here the second time Dr. Silkworth had treated him, he left that hospital. He had no place else to go. The doctor had just pronounced him incurable and told Bill's wife that unless he's locked up, Or you hire a bodyguard, he's going to die during T.T.'s or he's going to go permanently insane. And here we see Bill admitting complete defeat. Quicksand stretched around him in all directions. He had met his match. He had been overwhelmed. Alcohol was his master. Here's where he admitted his powerlessness over alcohol. Trembling, I stepped from the hospital a broken man. Fear sobered me for a bit. Then came the insidious insanity of that first drink. And on Armistice Day, 1934, I was off again. Now even though Bill had admitted his powerlessness, and even though he had admitted complete defeat, he still turned right around and started drinking again on Armstice Day. Everyone became resigned to the certainty that I would have to be shut up somewhere or would stumble along to a miserable end, how dark it is before the dawn. In reality, that was the beginning of my last debauch. I was soon to be catapulted in what I like to call the fourth division of existence. I wish no happiness, peace, and usefulness in the way of life that is incredibly more wonderful as time passes. Near the end of that bleak November, I sat drinking in my kitchen. With a certain satisfaction, I reflected there was enough gin concealed about the house to carry me through that night and the next day. My wife was at work. I wondered whether I dared hide a full bottle of gin near the head of her bed I would need it before daylight. My musing was interrupted by the telephone. The cheery voice of an old school friend asked if he might come over. He was sober. It was years since I could remember his coming to New York at that condition. I was amazed. Rumor had it that he'd been committed for alcoholic insanity. I wondered how he had escaped. Back in the 1930s and 40s, what they did with people like us, they usually drug us in front of a judge and had us committed to the state insane asylum for what they called alcoholic insanity. And just about anybody could do that to us. Our spouses could, our adult children could, the local authorities could, or any interested friend could dothat for you also. And the last bill I'd heard about this guy named Ebby, is Ebby was heading to the Nuthouse up in Vermont. Now, suddenly here's Ebby at New York City. And Ebby is sober, and Bill is amazed by that fact, and he's amazed by the fact that he's not in the nuthouse in Vermont, and he wonders how he'd escaped. The door opened, and he stood there fresh-skinned and glowing. There was something about his eyes. He was inexplicably different from what had happened. I pushed a drink across the table, and him refused it. Disappointed but curious, I wondered what got into the fellow. He wasn't himself. Come, what's all this about, I queried. And he looked straight at me, simply but smilingly, he said, I've got religion. Now that's colder than hell, you know. And you're sitting there and you've been drinking about three weeks and you're sicker than hell and you hung over and you expect this guy to come in and drink with you and rehash old times and he tells you he's got religion? I don't know what I would have done about that situation. I'm glad I didn't have to face it. But here's what Bill did. He said, I was aghast. So that was it. Last summer an alcoholic crackpot. Now I suspected a little crack about religion. He had that story I'd look. Yes, the old boy was on fire all right, but bless his heart, let him rant. Besides, my gin would last longer than his preaching. But he did no ranting. In a matter-of-fact way, he told how two men had appeared in court persuading the judge to suspend his commitment. They had told of a simple religious idea and a practical program of action. That was two months ago, and the result was self-evident at work. But we know there's a fellow named Roland Hazard that stepped in between Eby and the judge up in Vermont and said, Judge, let us have him. He said, we believe we have a program whereby we can help him. And if you put him in the nuthouse for alcoholic insanity, that's not going to do any good at all. And judges in those days didn't want to put us in those places any more than they do today. I don't think they want to puts us there today. Sometimes we force them into it and they don't have any choice. The judge released Eddie to this fellow named Roland Hazard and another guy. Now, Roland had told the judge about a simple religious idea and a practical program of action. And he said, if you'll give us Ebi, we'll see that he follows that program of action, and we believe he'll be okay. Now, Ebi went with Roland, and he applied the program of action coming out of the Oxford groups, and he'd had what he called a spiritual experience. Now, he had come to pass that along to Bill, just like we do today in carrying this message of recovery. Now, Bill said, he talked for page 10, he'd talk for hours. Childhood memories rose before me. I could almost hear the sound of the preacher's voice as I sat on Still Sunday's way over there on the hillside. There was a proffered tipper's pledge I never signed. My grandfather's good-natured contempt of some church folk and their doings. His insistence that the spheres really had their music. But his denial of the preacher's right to tell him how he must listen. His fearlessness that he spoke of these things just before he died. These recollections welled up from the past, they made me swallow hard. Now, A.B.'s sitting there talking about religion. And he's coming from a group of people, the Oxford groups, who originally were called first century Christian fundamentalists. And their talk and their teachings were quite religious in nature. Bill doesn't like this idea at all. You know, we can see how he was raised by his grandfather, and his grandfather stating that nobody had the right to tell anybody else how they must believe, and his grandfathers' insistence on those things. And Bill is bothered by this message that Ebby's carrying to him. Bottom of page 10. With ministers in the world's religions, I parted right there. When I talked of a God to me, when I talked of a god first to me who was love, superhuman strength and direction, I became irritated and my mind snapped shut against such a theory. To Christ I conceded the certainty of a great man, not too closely followed by those who claimed him. His moral teaching boasts excellence. For myself, I had adopted those parts which seemed convenient and not too difficult. The rest I disregarded. I don't have any trouble identifying with Bill Wilson at all. Bill's ideas about religion was turning him off for what Ebi had to give to him. And Bill didn't like at all what Evi was saying to him, and they're probably sitting there arguing about this deal. You know, one sober, one drunk, and Ebi's talking about religion and Bill's trying to talk about something else. They probably even got into arguing about who God is and who he isn't and which religion is right and which isn't. You know how we drunks do when we talk about that. Page 12, first paragraph. Despite the living example of my friend, there remained in me the vestiges of my old prejudice. Bill could see something had taken place in Ebby's life, but he still didn't like these religious terms and expressions Ebby was using. The word God still aroused a certain antipathy. When the thought was expressed that there might be a God person in me, this feeling was intensified. I didn't like the idea. I could go for such conceptions as creative intelligence, universal mind, or spirit of nature. But I resisted the thought of a czar of the heavens, however loving his sway might be. I have since talked with scores of men who felt the same way. Now, the next statement is in italics. We like to refer to that as squiggly writing. Usually squiggly written is really important in the book. Apparently, Ebi finally got tired of this little discussion. Probably got tired at trying to convince Bill of these things. Got tired of arguing with him. Ebi suddenly said, well, Bill, why don't you choose your own conception of God? He said, what are we worried about? What are we talking about? What difference does it make? He said, it doesn't make a difference whether we call him God, universal mind, spirit of nature, czar of the heavens, Yahweh, Confucius, Buddha. He said why don't you just choose your own conception. Forget what all these other people say. Now the instant he said that, his message changed from a religious message to a spiritual message. See, religion says this is the way you have to believe. Spirituality says it doesn'T make any difference how you believe. The main thing is do you believe? He said, why don't you choose your own conception of God? And Bill said that statement hit me hard. It melted the icy intellectual mountain in whose shadow I'd lived and shivered many years and stood in the sunlight at last. It was only a matter of being willing to believe in a power greater than myself. Nothing more was required of me to make my beginning. I saw that growth could start from that point. I thought on a foundation of complete willingness, I might build what I saw in my friend. Would I have it? Of course I would. We think this is when Bill took step two. No step two written in those days. But this is where Bill began to believe a power greater than himself could restore him to sanity. And Ebi allowed him to believe that by the simple spiritual idea, why don't you choose your own conception of God? I think there's another thing here important we need to look at. But Bill is the kind of writer that likes to paint pictures in your mind with words. And as we progress through the book, he's going to be talking about a wonderfully effective spiritual structure that we're going to build. And his first reference to that is the idea, upon a foundation of complete willingness I might build what I saw in my friend. The foundation or the structure, the bayonet and the starting point of it is the foundation of it. And upon a foundation of complete willingness, we might be able to build whatever we had also. Now how do we become willing? Well, become willing by drinking whiskey. That's the only way I know to become willing. When we drink enough of it and we've heard enough, then we can recognize we're powerless. Step one brings willingness. Step two, then, is belief. Bill was willing because of the pain that he had suffered, and now he begins to believe that a power lay in himself can restore him to sanity. Bill has taken steps one and two at the present time. Never written in those days, but we can certainly see him doing it. They started going to Oxford group meetings. Bill started trying to apply that practical program of action in his life. But remember, he took a drink on Armistice Day. And that triggered the allergy, and he couldn't stop drinking. About December the 10th, a decision was made to put him back in the town's hospital. Page 13. At the hospital, I was separated from alcohol for the last time. Treatment seemed wise, for I showed signs of delirium tremors. Now, he's now under Dr. Silkworth's care again. He's now being withdrawn from alcohol. No, he has already taken what you and I know is steps one and two today. Let's watch him take the rest of the steps. He said, There I humbly offered myself to God as I then understood Him to do with me as He would. I placed myself unreservedly under His care and direction. I admitted that for the first time that I myself I was nothing, that without Him I was lost. This is where Bill took step three. This is where he made a decision to turn to the will and the life of the care of God as he understood him. No step three written in those days, but we sure see him doing it. He said, I ruthlessly faced my sins. This is step four. This particular step at that time in the Oxford group was called facing your sins or examining your sins. And it was later changed to searching a fearless moral inventory. And became willing to have my new friend take them away root and branch. I've not had a drink since. Step six and step seven were entirely ready to have God remove these big sexes of character, and humbly asked him to remove our shortcomings. My schoolmate visited me, and I fully acquainted him with my problems and deficiencies. Took step five with Ebby in the town's hospital. We made a list of people I'd heard or told you about felt resentment. I expressed my entire willingness to approach these individuals admitting my wrong. Never was I to be critical of them. I wished to write all such matters to the utmost of my ability. This is steps eight and steps nine called restitution in the Oxford group of that day. I wished a test of my thinking by the new God consciousness within. Common sense would thus become uncommon sense. Step ten, continue to take personal inventory of what went wrong and promptly admit it. I wish to sit quietly when in doubt, asking only for direction and strength to meet my problems as he would have me. Never was I to pray for myself except as my requests bore on my use with others. Then only might I expect to receive, but that would be in great measure. Step 11. Sought through prayer and meditation. You know, this, to receive God's direction, the power to carry this out. My friend promised when these things were done, I would enter upon a new relationship with my Creator, that I would have the elements of a way of living which answered all my problems. Step 12, having had a spiritual experience as a result of this step, to provide these principles to all our faith. And so we can see that Bill has taken step 12. We actually see him taking all the steps. Later on, when he wrote the steps, he was able to put it down into the words that we have today. We see him practicing the Oxford Group tenets, steps, or practical program of action. He said, belief in the power of God plus enough willingness, honesty, and humility to establish and maintain the new order of things were the essential requirements. Simple but not easy. A price had to be paid. It meant destruction of self-centeredness. I must turn in all things to the Father of Light who presides over us all. Poor alcoholic, in order for us to recover, we have to give up the two things we hold nearest and dearest to our heart. Number one is alcohol. Number two is self-centeredness. Very simple idea, but extremely difficult to do. Bill said these were revolutionary and drastic proposals. But the moment I fully accepted them, the effect was electric. There was a sense of victory followed by such a peace and serenity as I'd never known. There was utter confidence. I felt lifted up as though the great clean wind of a mountaintop blew through and through. God comes to most men gradually, but his impact on me was sudden and profound. Now, Bill had what he always referred to as a vital spiritual experience, where old ideas were cast aside and replaced with a new set of ideas. Old bodies and old reasons for living were cast beside and replaced with a whole new set. And Bill thought he was going nuts. He said, For a moment I was alarmed and called my friend the doctor to ask if I were still sane. He listened and wondered as I talked. Finally, he shook his head saying, Something has happened to you I don't understand, but you better hang on to it. Anything is better than the way you were. Now, we don't know what happened that day either. We were not there. But we do know this was probably December the 12th, 13th, or 14th of 1934. And we do note that Bill didn't die until January of 1971. he never had to take a drink of alcohol for the rest of his life. He had what he referred to as a vital spiritual experience as the result of these steps. That's why later, this happened to him in 34, that's why late in the writing of the steps in late 38 or 39 he was able to say, these are the steps we took which are suggested as a program of recovery. And we'll see later where he did nothing but expand these steps and make them into our own twelve steps of today. Now, about two days after this happened to him, Ebi brought him another book. Ebi wrote him a book called The Variety of Religious Experiences by William James. And he said, Bill, I haven't read this book, but there may be something in it here useful for you. And Bill read the book, and he found an example in there almost identical to what had happened to him. And it validated for him that he had had a vital spiritual experience. That may be AA's third miracle. I've got that book at home today, and I've been sober over 20 years, and I can't read the damn thing today. It's couched in the psychiatric terms that I don't understand. Bill found himself there just about two days after he got sobered up, and he validated for him he had had a vital spiritual experience. Now surely if we're a new alcoholic out here in California, We've had no contact with his fellowship whatsoever. But we're reading this book, and we've read the doctor's opinion in Bill's story. Then surely we can begin to see what our problem is, and surely we Can Begin to Think if This Guy Could Recover, then Maybe I Can Also. Bill's Story fits in here just exactly where it belongs, classic 12-step call, Joe. Okay, now this brings us to Chapter 2, or also Step 2. We see the problem in Dr. Silkworth's work and in the example of Bill's problem. So we understand the problem. Now what is the solution to that problem? Or Step 2? And right here on this page he gives us the solution. We of Alcoholics Anonymous know thousands of men and women who were once just as hopeless as Bill, who had that problem. Nearly all have recovered. They have solved the drink problem. Okay, there's a solution. We are average Americans. All sections of this country, many of its occupations are represented, as well as many political, economic, social, and religious backgrounds. The first thing he's describing as a solution is the fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous. And a fellowship is really the first area of the solution where the new person comes into this fellowship. And he's described in this fellowship, telling us it's made up of many different kinds of people. You know, there are every occupation and every social or religious background. In fact, I love AlcoholicsAnonymous for that reason. and it's made up of so many different kinds of people. You know, I can look at any group just like this particular group here this morning, and I think about how amazing we are. We're so different. Usually that people come together in a group. Most times people who come together as a group have something in common. Maybe they have a common job, like the same occupation. That brings people together. They have the same religious beliefs. That brings them together. The same social background, the same economic background, the same race or the same cause, like in a union. People that come together usually have something in common, but we have none of those things in common. We are very different. You know, if we have... The things that usually makes people mixed would make us come apart. You know, we are people who normally should not mix. We have really nothing in common. We come from every race, every social background, every economic background, every occupation. We're normally people who should never mix. We should have never known each other. Ain't it amazing? But we are very close. You know, they say, even though we shall never mix, he says, but there exists among us a fellowship, a friendliness, and an understanding which is indescribably wonderful. We are very close. Now, we started talking about our jobs. If we discussed jobs here, we wouldn't know what to talk about. If we just talked about religion, we'd start a fight. I mean, see, but we are different. We didn't talk about AA. I doubt who could carry on a general conversation. I wonder what we would talk about. I don't know what we Would talk about, but we have this in common and this binds us. Now, this is power. There is power in the AA group, the group itself, the fellowship. There's a lot of therapeutic value And when a new person comes into AA, he gets strength and hope and support from other people who have recovered. That is part of that power. There's a lot of power in the fellowship alone. It is a support group, and it's very therapeutic to the new person when he comes amongst us. He says, we are like the passengers on a great liner. The moment after rescue from the shipwreck, when Comrade Ray George and Marky purveyed the vessel from the stairs to the captain's table. And again we see Bill, he loves to teach with parables. A lot of great teachers use parables。 He says AA is like the people on the Great Ocean Liners. Now at this time in 1939, the way to travel to Europe, well, boy, where are the Great ocean liners? Today we have airplanes. But on the Great Ocean Line, there was a class system, a more class, a lot of different classes. It wasn't like first class and second class. The storage section was their worst way to travel. You know, when you were an immigrant probably coming over, you didn't have much money. You were down there eating a cheese sandwich and just barely making it. And they'd stand in a dormitory. Once a day, they'd let you come up and get some air on the fan tail, and the water would spray on you, and then you had to go back down there. So you didn' t have much going in the storage section. Now, as you came up from deck to deck, as your economic situation got better and you got better religion or different religion, you could get on the come up. And when you got on the uppermost decks, that was where all the people up there had the right everything. They had the Right Religion, they had the money, they have the right social background. Everything was right. And when we sat at the captain's table, the people at the captains' tables were the best on the vessel. In this huge dining room, the classiest people sat at this huge table with the captain. Now, the guy at the captain's table should have never met that poor devil in the storage section. Their paths should have ne'er crossed on their whole journey across the ocean, just like our lives should have n'ever crossed in a journey of life. But in a moment of disaster, I always think about the Titanic that night, when the guy from the storage station and the guy off to the captain table jumped overboard. but as soon as they hit that cold water, they had something in common. They had a common problem. And this is the beauty of AA. We're not bound by occupation. We're nicht bound by a social or religious background. We're bound by our common problem in our lives. And maybe this is why we have such a strong fellowship, that we are bound by suffering. One of the strongest bonds between humans. And there's a lot of power in this fellowship alone. Just coming to the meetings, being with other people, it's a line of therapeutic things that go on in the groups. But then he tells us, The feeling of having a share of the common peril is one element in the powerful semen that binds us. It's a long therapeutic value in going to meetings, being with others, being with different people, but this is just one element. And there's a great warning here he tells us. He said, but this itself could have never held us as we are now joined. You know, this is great. Fellowship is great, but that's not enough. I think sometimes today that maybe the fellowship was designed to support us until we could really get into recovery program. But I think what has happened is we're using the fellowship alone to stay out of recovery. You know, people can always... You know how people do things. They turn around and make something up. That's all we... We just say go to 90 meetings in 90 days. You'll be all right. We don't tell them they've got to work steps. You know. Just going to AA meetings will not produce recovery. No more than going to the PTA meeting will make you a parent. You'll have to take some other steps. And I think that's what it's telling us. Fellowship is great, but that would have never held us as we are now joined. There are tremendous facts for every one of us as We Have Discovered a Common Solution. What really binds us in this room today is not the fact that we have our alcoholics. That's a great bond. But what really binds uns together, we have the same solution, the program of Alcoholics Anonymous, the 12 steps. That is the great bond There are two points to this power. We've already discovered that we are powerless. And right here on this page he's going to write a prescription. He said, a prescription is power. The power of the group, the power of this support group, and the power God working in our lives through the vital spiritual experience. These two powers will overcome any one person's powerlessness over alcohol. I think it's very important that we recognize this as the first great warning in the Big Book, that the fellowship alone is not sufficient. The tremendous fact for every one of us is that we have discovered a common solution. We have a way out on which we can absolutely agree, and upon which we can join in brotherly and harmonious action. This is the great news this book carries to those who suffer from alcoholism. The news of the fellowship is fine, but the great news is the common solution, And those two things joined together, the fellowship and the common solution, will overcome any one individual's powerlessness over alcohol. So we see the prescription for our disease on page 17, the power of the fellowship, and the powerof the common solution. And I think one of the greatest tragedies in the world today, I don't care what else is going on how many wars and how many people are being killed and how may starving to death I think the greatest tragedy in the world today is there are hundreds of thousands of people coming to the fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous and doing nothing about the common solution and they're sitting around us and they are dying from the disease of alcoholism every day because they are not involved in the common solution. Now, why are they not involved in a common solution? Because the older members of AA are not making it clear that that's the real answer to the disease of alcoholism. The older members OFAA are not reaching out to the new member and say, let me take you by the hand, and let me show you the program of recovery, and let me walk with you through that program of recovery. Let me take my time to help you recover also. As selfish, self-centered people, it's easier to say to the newcomer, we'll let him find it his own way. I think we have forgotten about sponsorship in AA. We're beginning to think if you take a guy to a treatment center and check him in, then you've made a 12-step car. No, hell, a taxi cab can do that. What we need to be doing is working with the newcomer and helping them understand there is a common solution. And then help them work the steps. How are they going to work them otherwise? I couldn't figure it out by myself. Somebody had to show me how and help me. And our job is to help the next one. Hopefully that's what you all are going to be done in the future, is working with new people and showing them the common solution and help them have it. I think it's terrible, terrible that we've got hundreds of thousands dying from the disease sitting around us every day. And yet we're out here trying to get some more in here so they can die also. Let's talk about the program. Let's talked about recovery. Let's talks about the common solutions. Let's let every newcomer that walks through the door know there's a hell lot more to this than just fellowship. Fellowship alone kills us. We're going to have to have the other power also. Now, half of this chapter is devoted to telling us why that's true. Half of this character talks about people who make up our fellowship and shows us why they're powerless and why they are going to need help. Why they are not going to be able to have a greater power and why are they going to want to have common solution? He does it by starting over on page 20 when he begins to describe three kinds of drinkers. Down at the bottom of the page, he says, Moderate drinkers have little trouble in giving up liquor entirely if they have good reason for it. They can take it or leave it alone. We've talked about them already. The social temperate moderate drinkers, slightly tipsy, out of control, nauseous feeling. You know, alcohol is no deal for them. If they get in trouble with it, if anything happens they don't like about it, They can take alcohol or leave it alone, period. Then we have a certain type of hard drinker. He may have the habit bad enough to gradually impair him physically and mentally. It may cause him to die a few years before his time. If a sufficiently strong reason, ill health, falling in love, change of environment, or the warning of a doctor becomes operative, this man can also stop or moderate, although he may find it difficult and troublesome and may even need medical attention. We see this person all the time. They're the one that says, when I was in the service, I was an alcoholic. But when I got out, I got married and went to church and quit drinking. And I don't see why in the hell you can't either. They drink like us, but they're not alcoholic. And if a sufficiently strong reason presents itself, they will either learn to moderate or they'll quit entirely. They are not alcoholic, but what about the real alcoholic? Now, he may start off as a moderate drinker. Many of us did. He may or may not become a continuous hard drinker many of us were periodic drinkers. But at some stage of his drinking career he begins to lose all control of his liquor consumption once he starts to drink. Now, here's the fellow who's been puzzling you especially in his lack of control. He does absurd, incredible, tragic things while drinking. He's a real Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. Now, through the rest of this page And over on to page 22, he describes the real alcoholic. On page 22 at the top of the page, if he can afford it, he may have liquor concealed all over his house to be certain no one gets his entire supply away from him to throw down the waste pipe. As matters grow worse, he begins to use a combination of high-powered sedative and liquor to quiet his nerves so he can go to work. Then comes a day when he simply cannot make it and gets drunk all over again. Perhaps he goes to a doctor who gives him morphine or some sedative he wished to taper off. Then he begins to appear at hospitals and sanitariums. And if you read carefully this description of the real alcoholic, you may not have done all these things he describes. But I'll guarantee you, if you were a real alcoholic you found yourself in there somewhere. One fits me just perfect. If he can afford it, he may have liquor concealed all over his house to be certain no one gets his entire supply away from him. And I was six years sober. I sold a 45,000 broiler chicken operation. Now that's been 14 years ago. And every once in a while today I run into the guy that bought it, and sometimes he'll say, Hey Charlie, we found another one. And he's referring to partially empty vodka bottles. And they're coming out from behind corner posts and under rocks and out a hall of trees and falling out of feed bins, and God only knows where. A description of the real alcoholic. Page 22, third paragraph. Why does he behave like this? If hundreds of experiences have shown him that one drink means another debacle with all its attendance, suffering, and humiliation, why is it that he takes that one drank? Why can't he stay on the water wagon? The moderate drinker can. The heavy drinker can. Why can't the alcoholic? What has become of the common sense and willpower that he still sometimes displays with respect to other matters? Perhaps there never will be a full answer to these questions.