The Big Book and Spiritual Experience – Big Book Study – Cabo – Part 2 of 3 – Mark H.

Mark Houston Evening everybody, I'm Mark Houston. I'm an alcoholic. Yeah, I wasn't going to get up unless he made a men's jaw and cleaned his shit up. Isn't that great? I love it. But I was separated from alcohol and cocaine the morning of October 19th of 1982, and I am very, very grateful for that. A couple things, then I want to read a meditation from one of my favorite meditation books called 365 Tao. I've really had an amazingly relaxing, energizing time since I've been down here. And over the years, when I feel led to come and be a part of something like this, that is not always my experience. So it has been great, just great. I want to thank each and every one of you who contributed to that. I do know there's two elements to that, you know, the longer I get sober and the less I operate in fear, the more I demonstrate love, then strange enough, There's never anything between me and you anymore. There's no such thing as separation and fear. So I know that I have a little bit to do with that, and then the rest of it is what you all have to do with that. So Craig and I were talking, and I think I'm going to pretty well make this a yearly trip down here. So that's a good thing. And I'll do my best to bring more and more of my pals down here with me. okay um this is called uh compassion says once you have seen the face of god you will see that same face on everyone that you meet the true god has no face the true dao has no name but we cannot identify with that until we're of a very high level of insight until then the gods with faces and the dao with names are still more worthy of veneration and study than the illusions of the world. With long and sincere training, it is possible to see the face of God. Holiness is not about scientific objectivity. It is about a deep and clear recognition of the true nature of life. Your attitude toward your God will be different than anyone else's God. Divinity is a reflection of your own understanding. If your experience differs from others that does not invalidate your sense of godliness. You will have no doubts after you have seen. Knowing God is the source of compassion in our lives. We realize that our separation from others is strictly artificial. We are neither separate from other people nor from God. It is only our own egotism that leads us to define ourselves as individuals. In fact, a direct experience of God is a direct experience of the utter universality of life. If we allow it to change our way of thinking, we will understand our essential oneness with all things. How does God look? Once you see God, you will see that same face on every person you meet. Came into the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous and first and foremost became a part of the fellowship and then I met a man and the man took me into the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous and said there's a set of precise specific clear cut instructions and if you're willing to work these with me you'll have a revolutionary experience and you will see the face of God and I thought he was smoking reefer when he said that to me but you know what that has exactly been my truth that big book is amazing over the years uh some of it some of you might relate to this uh i was really driven down what i call the path of knowledge for periods of time trying to understand what had happened to me understand god if you will and by the way i didn't choose that either um i uh got sent down to curville texas 1991 small little community down there and uh i started a group down there called the carried the message group and started sponsoring a bunch of men. And I had to look for my teachers sometimes in tapes and books and all kinds of stuff. And so along the way, I wound up studying for three years with a Native American medicine man doing sweats and walking the red road for a while. That was an interesting experience because Texas has got a lot of Baptists in it and I had one next door to me, and in the back of my yard I took a bunch of stones and I made a circle on the red road, and I would sit out there and meditate, and I found out later he thought I was a pagan worshiper. It was an interesting experience, but I did a bunch of sweat lodges, and it was a good experience for me in so many ways. I lost my connection to Mother Earth and that sense of nature and that sense of oneness. And then as a result of not doing anything with meditation in my first 10 years, my mind drove me insane between my ninth and tenth year of sobriety. That's the truth. And so I really became a student of meditation. You know, of course it's mentioned in the big book. It's very clear that we're supposed to do that every morning. Matter of fact, take a Concordia sometime, look up the word meditation and see how often it's mentioned in terms of spiritual practices. By the way, I want to make this statement. You go to the ocean with a thimble, you get a thimblet full of water. How much of God do you want? And it's up to you and nobody else. You want to take a dump truck, you can get a dump trunk full of God. There's this idea God gives us free will. You look at the line, the steps in the big book. And within the framework of free will, there's self-will and God's will. Probably, right? If you look at what the steps do in steps four through nine, they wind up taking my self-well and aligning it with God's well. And by the time I get to the tenth step, the tenth steps about line of the will. Then I wonder why my life has changed. you know i don't think god's will is very complex i i think uh what buddhism there's the eight noble truths ten commandments i don'T THINK IT'S REAL COMPLEX STUFF YOU KNOW BE NICE YOU KNOW LAW CAUSE AND EFFECT IF YOU STEAL SOMEBODY WILL STEAL FROM YOU YOU KNOW IT'S UH BE HONEST YOU KNOW WE WANT TO OWNER WHAT GOD'S WILL IS YOU KNOW You know, pay your bills on time. Don't steal from people. You know don't say unkind things. I mean you know it's not. You don't have to go sit and levitate trying to figure that out. You just really don't. I think it's in front of you. So back to some of my journey again. And I really began to study a lot about meditation and self-realization fellowship. Some of you may know something about that. They have a lot of meditation techniques, teacher Paramahansa Yogananda. I particularly began to look at some of the stuff in Buddhism since they've been doing the most meditation, the longest, like 2,000 plus years, et cetera. I discovered as I traveled around, particularly to Christian monasteries and those kinds of things that they were a little light in the area of meditation. And since my mind had driven me wacko, I wanted to make sure that didn't happen again. So I gravitated and moved toward that, and I began a daily meditation life in 1991, which I still have up to today. And if you said to me of everything you've done since you were born or since you came into the rooms of AA, what is the single thing that you have ever done that had the greatest impact on your life? and I will tell you that it is meditation, going into the silence. Because in that experience, which my big book, by the way, says to do, 365 days a year, if anyone can show me where I get a few days off, I'd like to see it. I can't find it. I've tried to find it, but it says do this every day. And in that process, I finally realized who I really was. I realized whoIwasnot, and I lost my identification with my mind. And my mind became like a hand. I have not my mind, and it's incessant chatter of a thousand monkeys. My mind is just like a computer that you leave running with some software. That's all it is. Most of the time, I don't pay any attention to it. I'm a lot more interested in the things that begin to happen to me in a level of consciousness I experience through the process of meditation. When I first began to meditate, I began to notice things. I began To notice I was a lot less afraid. Fear. You know, it's not surprising that fear inventory is between the resentment inventory and the sex inventory or personal relationships. Every alka I've ever met paralyzed with fear. The fabric of our being is interwoven with fear, we live with it. Anything I can do to reduce that, I need to do it. And, of course, you know, I read to me what that fear is about. That's that sense of separation. And as far as I can tell, the work in steps four through nine and the disciplines of 10 and 11 help remove this idea from me that I'm separate from you. Meditation becomes a vehicle that I get to use. They introduced me to some stuff I'll talk about in a little bit in the 10th step. It says I got a new sixth sense. Well, what does that mean? You know? i i hope uh after we've spent a little time together that i have challenged some of you to look at some of these incredible promises and some of this information in this book and start talking about in meetings why aren't we talking about the sixth sense in the tenth step why are we talking About in the 10th step it being the line of the will what does that mean why are We talking about be an agent of and for God why are we talking about that stuff where are we talking about we have recovered and been given the power to help others right I think it's really powerful powerful stuff juicy stuff man where are мы talking about we've entered the world of spirit and from now till the day we die there's a way we can stay in that world of the spirit and grow an understanding of effectiveness and take it into every area of our life all of our relationships and our work everything every areaof our life where arewe talking aboutthat stuff I don't know. That's a lie. I do know. We talk about what we're doing. I'll say it again. We talk abut what we are doing. We don't talk about what we aren't doing. That's why. I cringe when I go to meetings and everybody has a topic and I'm going, oh no. Just where is the, you know, where do they come from? Self-pity or depending on the size of the population it might be traffic you know just just crazy but there's such such incredible stuff to talk about i want to um go back i was talking a little bit earlier to a young lady who talked about a lot of experience with relapse and uh i've worked with a lot of men and a lot of women who have chronic relapse history, and God has used me to help those people. And what I find all in common is they have never understood the first step. Most of them think that alcohol and or drugs, your drug of no choice, whatever that is that you think is your drug of choice, they think that's the problem. See, if alcohol was my problem, just not drinking would be my solution. Do you get that? And the big book would be two pages long. I could say, just don't drink. Unfortunately, alcohol is not my problem. It is a symptom. Big book waits until I get up to the fourth step to present the idea of what is wrong with me. And my problem is I'm brutally selfish. And I think everything is about me. Selfishness self-centered is the root of my troubles. And for whatever reason, if that doesn't leave me, if that does not go away from me, I become so angst and dis-eased operating in the world that I drink to treat that. So the whole issue has never been about alcohol. The whole issue is I think everything's about me, right? Selfishness. And the book goes on to say above everything, Mark, you better get rid of your selfishness or it, your selfishnes will kill you. That's what I, unbeknownst to me, when I came into the rooms, that's what i was up against. Drinking is a byproduct of that. You know, all you got to do is look at all the examples. I think the book gives you to see the truth of what the book is saying. For example, there's a whole chapter devoted to working with others, correct? As a matter of fact, that chapter goes on to say when all else fails, work with someone else. So let's see. Let me think. What would be the opposite of selfishness? Working with somebody else. Right? Gee, I wonder why that's in there. Well, you know. see if i'm sitting across working with a another alcoholic i totally lose my connection with me now i don't know about the rest of you but if you live with me all the time you would want to lose that connection at times that's why i sponsor a lot of people i really need to get away from me for long periods of time. Incessant dialogue starts, right? You know your committee, you all. By the way, are you doing a good job identifying your host of characters? You got up this morning, your little table with all the different committee members, right, you got Mr. AA guy, Miss AA, spiritual man, spiritual woman, and whatever else it is. You got a husband probably, got a wife, right. Got a businessman, got a retired businessman, you know. Got the timeshare condominium seller, he's down here. Got boat captains down here, I mean, you got all kinds of different stage characters down here right? You know, you got the cooks and the just, but it's all your little host, all those voices. How you doing, how you going, you gotta go do, you need to keep, you I had him get a cup of coffee, and it's already got out to 10 o'clock tonight. I tell people there's a reason we shoot ourselves in the head instead of the foot. It's to stop the voices. Somebody's got a chair of the meeting. Probably helps if it be the spiritual man or spiritual woman. So the first step, craving the body, obsession of the mind, experientially driven. Not rocket scientists. It doesn't take a lot to tell if I'm a real alcoholic or a real drug addict. I'm the guy on page 21. When I take a drink, do I lose control, power and choice over how much? Yes or no? Go back into the drinking. Sober, do i have a mind that takes me back to it? Do I commit the most insane act of my life, stone cold sober? Because if you've lost power, choice, control once it's in your body and then you have a period of sobriety and go back to again, that, ladies and gentlemen, is called insanity. see the relapse ends when i take a drink doesn't start then it ends then it ends then because i'm going to break out in a phenomenon called craving my last drink lasts a year and a half i love it i hear people sit in their rooms they they talk as though they know what would happen if they took a drink if i knew what would have when i took a drink you'd have another speaker i don't need to go to the rooms anymore My problem is when I take a drink, I don't have a clue what would happen. I'm serious. My last drink lasted a year and a half. I thought I knew what was going to happen. I didn't. Drank for a year and a halve. See, that's me. That's my experience. I'm a real alcoholic. Do I believe that? Do I believe that no human power can separate me from alcohol and drugs and keep me separated? I'm probably like most of you i quit drinking a whole bunch of times quitting was never the issue could i stay quit on my own power no that was my experience so am i what the big book says at the bottom of page 43 once more mark at certain times has no effective mental defense against the first drink mark is that your experience yes mark's defense must must come from a power greater than himself i became a secret power once i saw the truth of that sentence i became that then and i still am today now some people call it god i wasn't interested in god i was interested in the power behind the name you get what i just said i was interesting experiencing the power behind the name and i wasn t interested in believing in god most people i know walk into the rooms believing in god let me ask this question how many of you believed in god and drank a lot well it then we come into the rooms and we get sober must not have anything to do with believing in God then what does it have to do it has to do with experiencing the power behind the name i mentioned this to you the other night the trap the trap of thinking that because you believe in god you do it's a great trap of the ego you tell me you believe in god really do you are you living your life as though you do what do you mean well you're afraid a lot yeah why do you ask well you believe in god why would you be afraid a lie somebody's lying what is it Which voice is it? See, the two can't fit in the same box. Right? Big Book says men and women of faith have courage. The definition of courage is in the Big Book. I love it. They trust their God. They trust their God has nothing to do with belief. I trust my God. Bring it on. Bring it to me. Whatever it is. Nothing touches me but what God wants to touch me. Nothing, no one, nothing, no one ever bring it on. What an incredible way to go through life, see? God's about 30 feet tall. I got my little arm around his calf, got his hand right in my head, saying, I got you, boy. I got your cover. Go out and play in the playground. Boy, I go play Come to places like this Come up and stand in front I don't know what you need I don' t know what to talk about I don''t have to worry about it Because I stand here and he just pats me And he says, OK, boy Stir him up a little bit Got some old people down there Resting on their ass too long Stir their butts up a littel bit Haven''t written inventory in too long Their goddamn sphincter muscle is getting too tight Loosen them up a litle bit See Have them write some inventory. Challenge them about prayer and meditation, right? Have them get off their butt. Carry the message. Get excited about life again, right. Stir the pot a little, whatever you say, right, see. Men of faith have courage. They trust their God. That's the kind of God I needed when I came in the rooms, see, that kind of a God. You write that fear inventory, and then right in the middle of that fear inventory, um, and I love this. this is another sentence by the way i think it'd be great if you guys just start talking about in in meetings but it's um it talks about i'm in the world to play the role that god has assigned the extent as i do as i think god would have me and humbly rely on does he enable to match calamity with serenity but it says i'd never apologize for depending upon my creator i laugh at those who think spirit will share the weakness paradoxically it's a way of strength verdict of the ages is faith means courage all men and women of faith have courage and they define it they trust their god i never apologize for god here's the sentence instead i let god demonstrate through me what God can do. God can stay sober. God can stay sober through me. Can I keep myself sober? No. I drank for 20 years. I did dope for 13. Daily. Lots of it. I was a tornado. Period. On my power. But God can demonstrate through me staying clean and sober since October the 19th of 1982. Through me. Take an Iowa farm kid, travels all over the world talking about God and the steps. God can demonstrate through me what God can do. Opened the first men's recovery center in the United States of America. First one ever. God can illustrate through me. God can show me what I can do to help me. Powerful stuff. See? That's what this book's about. No, just don't drink, go to meetings. No, no, no. So much more. So much more whatever it is god wants you to do in the world to play the role he is assigned maybe it's just to be a incredible husband or a father or wife or a sister or a friend i don't know you do the deal you'll be shown whatever it ist suspect somewhere in the middle of it though you're probably supposed to be helping other elkies right see i do a lot of stuff in the 11 step, but I'd never do it instead. God sent me to these rooms and said, I'm going to show you a path to have a revolutionary experience and come to know me in ways that you can't even believe. But I got a lot of work for you because you've got a Lot of fellow sufferers out there and you're the only one that can reach him because of your experience. Quick story on that. I some of you maybe you've had this experience, but I have periods of time I get into some extreme spiritual intoxication. And in one of those moments, it occurred to me I should maybe join a monastery. And I had been seeking some counsel from a man who ran a monastery he was both a priest and a monk and so I went down to see him one time and we sat down and we chatted for a while And he had come back to Kerrville, Texas where I was living at that time and stayed there for about a week. And I exposed him to some meetings and all those kinds of stuff. And anyhow, we get done, and he goes to me. He said, Mark, we really appreciate your efforts and your application to the monastery, but you just need to stay right where you are working with your kind. And I said, what do you mean my kind? And he said, well, you know, you alcoholics and you drug addicts. He said, we don't do very well with you. But he said that place you go and I've watched you and you do really well with them and that's where God needs you. So thanks for applying to the monastery, but we don' t want you there. So that's probably always going to be a part of what I do. I'm going to sit down across from an alcoholic or drug addict trying to help them out to find their truth in the first step. And I've been doing that for a lot of years, and I'll keep doing it. But I want to talk for a minute again about this deal about God. There's a prayer. I ask him to remove my fear and dread it when he has tension. What do you have us be? I wantto talk again briefly about this thing of fear because I think it's so instrumental in why sober we live miserable lives, why we don't reach for abundance, and I know it contributes to a lot of relapse. So outside of the obvious work in here, there's a couple other things about this I want to mention. One is, let me ask this question. Well, are any of you as you sit here right now in this moment feeling fear? Any of you? Some of you are, okay? Let me ask you this question of all of you who raised your hands. Are any of you in any concrete and immediate danger? Right now. Danger. Are you? Any of you? Okay. Then the fear is not real, is it? There's no reality to the fear except what your mind has given it. Now I want you to think about something. From birth to death, most of your life, you could answer this question the way it was just answered. There's absolutely no reason to have the fear. It is manufactured by your mind, it is psychological in nature, and it is always about the future. Wouldn't it be nice if it would be that easy to get rid of it? Is it that easy? Yes. Yes. If we have the capacity to live more in the present moment, the less we will experience fear, but you cannot do that if you're identified with its mind and its incessant chatter. And a lot of that chatter always has to do with the future. So very little of our life do we ever get to really be present. Unbeknownst to me, the disciplines of the 10th and 11th step thrust me into the present moment. Now, do I have to practice staying present? Yes. Craig and I were laughing today. We know ourselves too well. We have fun with ourselves. No, we aren't leaving until tomorrow morning. We got packed today. See, I know him. He was trying to pretend he was really in the moment. He was going to do it in the morning. And I go, yeah, you betcha. Comes out about 1 o'clock this afternoon. Yeah, you're right. I'm packed. So, see, we realize that it's going to be there, right? So we practice, practice, come back. How? Grab this. Breathe. Anything. Come back to here. be here, be here be with you be present to where I am the only place I can meet God the only reality of my life there's no other place to meet God you don't meet God down here or back here now within this breath this context is the only places I can come to know God there is no other places oh ok because the 10th and 11th step if you look at what the 10 and 11 step really ask you to do the strict spiritual disciplines of those steps. And they are strict. If you don't believe me, you take him to some man of the cloth sometime and say, by the way, I'd like you to read about the 10th, 11th step and tell me what you think. Most of them would say if my congregation did that, they'd be close to enlightenment. Why? Because it does. It tells us every morning. Do all these prayers. Meditate. Do all this stuff during the day. And then at nighttime, do an evening review. answer all these questions do more prayer and more meditation and do that every day to you die and then then here's what's funny in aa meetings heaven forbid you ever mention the word religious right we have one of the most religious dogmatic practices out there is matter of fact what most religions ask of their congregation simple compared to what this asked of me right make amends clean it all up pay all the money back I'm sponsored a guy one time right I'll never forget this we get to the amends process and good good pal of mine and names Floyd and we get talking about some monies and as it It turned out it was probably almost $40,000. And we got to talking about this, and it was very clear to me and according to the big book that he needed to pay this money back. So I could tell he's getting a little angry. And I said, Floyd, what are you getting angry about? Floyd came to me a believer. As a matter of fact, his church sent him to AA. You know you drank a little bit too much then. But we can't help you, but you're a good deacon. Keep giving us your money. Go to those rooms. So at any rate, we get to this man. Anyhow, he starts to get angry, and I said, what are you getting angry about? And he goes, well, he said, the church said I didn't have to pay it back. All I had to do was pray for forgiveness. And I said yeah, and the church sent you to AA to get sober. Big Book says you need to pay It back, you know. So he often jokes about that. AA was the most expensive place he had ever been sent to. And he said it's supposed to be free, right? It wasn't free. He did pay the money back, by the way. Yeah, still sober to this day. I want to talk a little bit. I went up to the fifth step last night. A couple things I mentioned to some of you is the idea of doing multiple fifth steps in which you take a body of inventory and read it to two, three, four, five people. It's a wonderful idea. It will also really help you get pulled away from your ego. So maybe read to your sponsor, read to a couple of your protégés, those kinds of things. So I know when I get back, probably over a two-week time period, I probably will read inventory five times. I'll read to Craig, two other people I sponsor, and two elders in Austin, Texas. The more people you read to, the less attachment you have to the ego. You get pulled back. By the way, when I read inventory, I follow the instructions in the book. I've got to find somebody who will understand and approve what I'm driving at. I need to find someone who understands that it's life and death. I need, I need you to read inventory to someone who is a lot more concerned about my life than how they feel about what they say to me. see when i'm reading the fifth step i'm fighting for my life i'm up against my ego my ego is going to do everything in the world to justify to minimize to rationalize these resentments these fears these sexual and or personal relationships constantly living in that state of they're more at fault right it's like the guy said to me one time well in that relationship with that guy, 90% of the time he was at fault. And I said, well, why don't you just claim 100% of your 10 then? Where are you going to go with that one, right? So those are some of the things that I look for when I'm looking for people to read to. And I have read to women. It gives you a whole great perspective. Read to young, read to old. I've read to men of the cloth. But I find it's a fascinating experience. Normally every time I get ready to read, I review the instructions from page 70 to 75 so that I stay clear of what I'm about to do. I'm going to read to young people and I'm not about to face and be rid of that which has me blocked from power I need. I'm able to look at the exact nature of my defects as a result of attempting to live my life based on self-will. That's what the whole purpose of this is about. It's not about anything else. It'snot about I'm trying to win an award for being a neat guy. It's that I'm blocked from power, and I need to get rid of that which has me blocked from power. So I read the inventory. And you get done with the inventory, and then you have the incredible fifth step promises. Then I wanted to talk a minute. To me, there's spiritual virtue in following instructions. When I'm done reading inventory, then I go home and the book says I needto find a place where I can be quiet for an hour. So I take a timer and I set it for 60 minutes. And I click it. Now, it says I'm going to carefully review what I have done. So I like to close my eyes and review in a general way this inventory that I just read. Now, there's a prayer in here. It says I need to thank God from the bottom of my heart that I know God better. Now, I don't know if any of you ever thought about this. but how can i know god better as a result of reading this dismal infantile inventory how does that happen why would i because i got i got this kind of mind it's like oh wait a minute why do i know God better as the result of reading that inventory i'll leave you all to ponder that it's a great question isn't it why would i know god better as a result of reading a resentment inventory a fear inventory in a sex and or personal relationships inventory why why would I experience all those incredible fifth step promises now some of this i want to throw out to those of you who haven't written in a while or struggle with writing inventory if you had a clear idea of what could happen on the other side of inventory you wouldn't bulk it inventory I like trading in a new car every year so I don't know great stuff and it goes on and it says taking the book down from the shelf I turn to the page which contains this 12 steps I carefully read the first five proposals I ask if I've omitted anything so I read each question they sit with. Powerless over alcohol, my life's in management. Boom, sit with it. Came to believe that I power greater than myself and you go through it in that fashion. I'm building an arch through which I walk a free man at last. They refer to this construction site stuff with some frequency in here in particular in the fifth step. It goes on and says is my work solid so far are the stones properly in place? I don't know a lot of times I take people through and we get to this and they've been around the program for a while and this question about the stones I don' t know if you know this but earlier on the big book told me that the second step was the cornerstone and the third step is the keystone and if you don't know that and it asks you that question you'll just go well I don''t know what that means but I got too much pride to ask anyone I'm just going to move right on past how many have you been sober for a little while and didn't know what the stones were or the stones properly in place right the stones for what to build a spiritual arch through which you walk a free man and a free woman the last stone in place is the 12th step that's why to be entirely rid of self ladies and gentlemen to walk through that archway right are the stones probably in place have i skipped on the smith put into the foundation My first step, do I know what's wrong with me? Have I tried to make mortar without sand? All kinds of construction questions. On page 75, I thought it was about not drinking. They're building houses, for God's sakes, right? Timer goes off, I finish the hour. Boom, turn to sixth step. How do you know when you're ready for the sixth step? When the timer goes off and you're done with the hour, that's out. Real complex stuff, you know. If I can answer to my satisfaction all those questions, I then look at step six. I've emphasized willingness as being indispensable. Now this next question is the only kind of, only an alcoholic drug addict would ask this question. You've looked at all this material. You've written these inventories. You've read all this. You you understand by then selfishness is your problem. It's the reason you drink do dope etc, etc Now here's a question. We've got we've got to sit with it. It'S kind of like the question Do you want to die an alcoholic death or live on a spiritual basis and we go well Could you elaborate on what dying an alcoholic deaf means right? But here's the question Am I now ready to let god remove from me all the things i've admitted are objections We've gotta sit with that see god's funny think about this he he took a tribe of people that were so asleep or think we're god right so it's like i can just see him he's talking he's talk to saint peter and he goes well we're gonna have to trick him he said here's what we'll do in the second step first of all convince them they need power the second steps will let them invent us says come up with your own concept, right? They can invent it. Hell, we don't care. It's obvious everything else we put down there don't work with them anyhow. So they come up with their own concept. Right? They get to invent me. Then in the third step, we're going to let them make a decision to turn their will and life over to that which created their will and life. You get that? I'm going to make a decision to let my mom and dad be my mom and dad. I mean, think about it. The third step. I'm going to make a decision to turn my will and life over to God as I understand God. Well, what created your will and wife? Well, God did. Right? You see? But then here we go. We're back to six. Well remember who we're dealing with. Even though they've seen all this we've got to let them think they have a choice. Right. So you have long list of all these defects of character which lead to you drinking winding up where you wind up am i ready to let god remove these things that i admitted are objection oh this section is even greater it's a question of faith can he now take them all every one right we still cling to something will not let go we ask god to help us be willing i was asked earlier the most effective tool i've found for step six uh is a tool i call the sacraments of penance big book talks about identifying the exact nature of defects so i have spent time looking for the most effective tools i could find and that outside of some of the religious stuff in there is the best tool i've ever found to identify my defects of character in ways that what it does it takes the seven deadly sins and really embellishes them right now it's a tool the catholic church but don't ask catholics because they don't use it i'm serious but it's great tool i've been using it for years i had my first profound experience using this tool what i do when i get done reading inventory is it's about seven or eight pages long and i just go down the list it starts like pride putting self in the place of God. And then I pronounce myself guilty or not guilty. Guilty? And it just, oh, God, it's got incredible stuff like under, oh gossip. It's fabulous. They talk about retailing gossip. It's almost like you set up a store and sell it. You know, you just, but until I did the sacraments of penance, I thought I kind of had my act together. I've never thought that since then, you know? Oh, I love it. Murder in deed or thought. Oh, no, right, you Know? You just go through and you think you're really doing well. You know, you think your being kind, and then this stuff comes up, you know, retailing of gossip. And I tell you the profound experience I finally had with The Sixth Step, because I picked this tool up when I was 12 or 13 years sober, was when I got done with this six or seven pages long, I was going to do a marker because I didn't think there would be very many. I may as well just dip the damn thing in yellow. And so at that time, you know, I had a deep inner conviction of how much I love God and I'm trying to do the right thing. And I got seven pages, and they're all highlighted, right? and i'm sitting there and and like i'm meditating and i am asking god to remove this and and i just literally broke down i tell you why i broke down is i really thought i've been doing okay and then i saw how much i fell short and then I realized so do you and that's the best we can do. And you know what? It's okay. It's okay for you, and it's okay for me. And man, I got it. It was okay for just to be Mark Houston that day. There's nothing to arrive at. You know, as good as I wanted to get, man, I fall short. And it ain't going to get any better than that, right? I don't expect to get enlightened while I'm here. It just, I fall short too much. I stumble. I hit my knees. And so do you. And in the middle of that you and i got very equal there was none of this up here down here and that kind of stuff and then not too long after that experience the same man who said i don't want you in the monastery i want you out there working with your people um he was sitting there in his own way was doing his own sacrament it's been it's thinking he breaks down crying now this is a guy that he lives in a monastery he prays six times a day starting at 3 a.m in the morning he's devoted his life to prayer and meditation. And he's sitting there weeping because he falls so short. And I'm watching this, and I'm having this experience with him. And that was my first profound effect with the six-step and defects of character, and seeing why I need to come back to God, and see in that I fall short, seeing there's no arrival place, seeing the necessity of prayer, of meditation, of forgiveness, all of those kinds of things. And getting on an equal footing with you, realizing how most of those defects, the firing mechanism for them is fear. The major firing mechanism, if you just work with the big seven, pride, greed, lust, anger, sloth, gluttony, et cetera, fear is the firing organism for my defects of character. And the less fear that I'm in, the less I exhibit those. So that's a tool. Any of you interested in getting a copy of that, I've got plenty of business cards with an e-mail. I'd be happy to send it to you if you want it. Seventh step, simple prayer. God take all of me, good and bad. Right? Okay. Eighth step. I believe the eighth and ninth step have a tremendous amount to do based on what your sponsors have done with the eighth and ninth steps. Here's what I mean by that. If you think about this, everybody in this room, our lineage could be traced back to Bill and Bob, correct? Everyone in the room. Don P. carried the message to me. He was sponsored by a man named Gary B. Gary B, I spent a little time with him last summer. Gary's 42, 43 years sober and lives in Indianapolis. His sponsor is a man called Gary B and his sponsor is Gary B and his name is Paul M. Paul M sobered up August 15th, 1947. Paul M had a personal experience with Dr. Bob and a guy named Earl T. in Chicago. Paul lives in Chicago so the message that got transmitted to me doesn't have a whole lot of BS between it, does it? So when it came time to make amends, the most important word in the eight step to my lineage was made a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make Amends to them all. It all meant just that. I had to go back as far as I could remember to grade school. And I had write down everything I ever stole that I could remember and every dime I ever, all of it, all of it long, long list to your influence by what you're influenced by. Get done with the list, six or seven pages of very clear instructions on how to make amends. How to make the approach. Took me 70 off that first inventory. Took me 17 years to complete those amends I completed every single amend that I had a conscious awareness of. I paid every dime of the money back. I went to nine different states. You want what I have, you do what I do. how free do you want to be how much of God do you want to know I don't know pay all the money back go clean it up I went to grave sites back into high school teachers ex-wives employers offered amazing just amazing stuff All over, Alaska, Oregon, Washington, California, South Dakota, cleaned it up. It is difficult for me to describe what it was like the day that I made the last amend that was in my state of consciousness. Here's the other piece that happened to me, I think, that day, why I look at the big book and its promises, ninth step. It's that day I lost my fear of dying. If you lose your fear of dying, you have no fear of living. You live with complete abandon. What a difference. That's why I like to stay current. If I died today, my slate's clean. As far as I know, ladies and gentlemen, I resubmit to the first nine steps. I want to keep it clean. Now there's a theory. Don't know if this is true. Some people like the idea of there's reincarnation. I don't know about that. It's kind of like a priest one day. He was telling me what he thought was going to happen to me when I died. And I asked him if he had any experience with that. And he said, no. And i said, i'm not interested in your opinion i'm sorry i'm not i'm an experienced kind of guy but in the event that there's such a thing as reincarnation part of that whole theory is the way you left is the way you come back so in the events that may be true my slate is clean i love my tribe but god damn this has been a tough life at times right i'd like to come back just i don't know maybe live in the same town my whole life or something you know marry once instead of four times you know just different things who knows but that ninth step will thrust me into the 10th step and i want to talk a little bit about 10 or 11 and i could go on i spend a whole weekend on the ninth step but instructions are fairly clear I want to talk some more about some of the stuff that happens when we hit this 10th step. There are, how many paragraphs? Let's see, one, two, three, four paragraphs in the 10th Step. Very seldom do we ever talk about the last two. And visualizations help for me. So I'm going to do this with you. it talks about we've entered the world of the spirit by the time you get to the 10th step starts out like this it says this thought what thought the thought of finishing your amends brings us to step 10 which suggests that we continue to take personal inventory and continue to sit right any new mistakes as we go along so the day i start making amends is the day I start working with the disciplines of the 10th step. If you believe the instructions of the book says, I vigorously commenced this way of living as I cleaned up my past next sentence, we have entered the world of the spirit. Why aren't we talking about that sentence in meetings? We've entered the word of God. The world of spirit. What does that mean? This is my experience you do the work in the first nine steps Earlier we were told the only reason we're going to write inventory is to face and be rid of that Which has us blocked from god god lies deep down within we're blocked. We do the working four through nine We are not blocked That's why you have all those incredible fifth step promises And by the time you get to the ninth step you've entered the world of the spirit What does that mean? It means that which was blocking you before from the spirit housed within here is now gone you have entered the world of the Spirit you now have an awakened spirit you now have a new sixth sense and by the way 10 and 11 allow you to continue to have this awareness you don't do 10 and eleven all that work you did to face and be rid of that which has you blocked that wall starts coming back again pretty soon you're up against yourself feeling separated from and you've lost contact with the fact that you've got a spirit housed in here. That's why I keep doing 10 to 11. So I've entered the world of the Spirit. Think of it as this way. Thinkofit as though we've stepped into a room, right? And this language, gentlemen, ladies and gentlemen, the 10th and 11th step is new language. It's not language to appeal to your cognitive mind. It is language of the spirit. It'a whole different language. It's saying, my next function is to grow an understanding and effectiveness using your awakened spirit. Go here. Do this. Boom. You see what I'm saying? Look at the series of events that took place to have all us here this evening. 97 travel agents couldn't have made this happen. Every one of us in our own way had an awakened spirit that responded to us being here. I mean, I love it down here, but I had other things to do. So do you. But there was a part of us that responded and we're all here. That's what that's about. It goes on to say, we're here to grow in understanding and effectiveness. This is not an overnight matter. It should continue for a lifetime. And then it talks about with your awakened spirit, continue to watch. What? Watch yourself for what selfishness dishonest resentment and fear you're observing yourself right when these crop up we ask god at once to remove them we discuss them with someone immediately make amends quickly then we resolutely turn spiritual practices turn is the spiritual practice turn out of yourself turn away from yourself turn to someone you can help love and tolerance of others is your code. Now, here's these incredible 10-step promises that can only manifest through an awakened spirit. Love and tolerance of others is my code. You can't practice that with self-will intact. It's impossible. How about this? I've ceased fighting anything or anyone, dash even alcohol. Can you imagine that? Can you imagine living that on a daily basis ceased fighting what does that mean it means I've cease fighting traffic lines angry people ceased fighting she wants to stay she wants to go the health comes the health goes ceased fighting that's exactly what it means and it says even alcohol why because for this time sanity will of return they flip us back into liquor i'll seldom be interested liquor if tempted i recoil from liquor as though from a hot flame i react seemingly normally and this happens automatically my new attitude toward liquor has been given me with no thought or effort my part it just comes that's the miracle of it i'm not fighting nor am i avoiding temptation check this out as a result of this work i've been placed in a position neutrality i am safe and protected bring it on I am safe and protected I don't want to I don' t care I'm in a position of challenge I've been restored to sanity would you like a drink no you don't have enough would you like a drinking only if you want me sleeping with your wife no see I'm sane I've being restored to insanity I'm in a position of neutrality. It says the problem's been removed. What problem? The obsession of the mind, the spirituality. That problem. It said it's been moved. Does not exist. I'm neither cocky nor am I afraid. That is my experience. Is it your experience? This is how I react. Pay attention. As long as I keep in fifth spiritual condition. Doesn't say anything in there about God, does it? Fifth, spiritual condition That's how I react Position of neutrality Cease fighting anything or anyone Love and talents of others If I do what? Stay in fifth, spiritual conditions How do you do that? Well, they're going to tell us We're not going to like it Because it means we've got to do a little work Easy to let up in the spiritual program of action Rest on laurels Headed for trouble if we do Why? Alcohol is a subtle fool we're not cured alcoholism i'm given a daily reprieve see this is where god gets even says i'm gonna let them invent me because they're so arrogant nothing else will work i'm going to let them make a decision to turn their well life over to that which created their well in life they'll get that then because they've got and they're judgmental they're going to write these inventories because everyone else is always to blame because they won't do what they want because they like to play god then they're going to read it to someone they're gonna defy these defects of character and they're gonna ask me to take them then they can go out and make amends and now it's payback time because in order to stay sober and realize all this neat stuff there's all kinds of stuff they got to do on a daily basis right and they start to talk about what it is we're given a daily reprieve contingent of the maintenance of spiritual condition Every day is a day when these people must carry the vision of God's will in all our activities. Say a prayer, how can I best serve thee? Thy will not mine be done. That's a practice. You get up in the morning before you go into work, sit down at your desk, say that prayer. You work for an hour, you get ready to move to another activity. How can I better serve thee, thy will not mind be done? Move over here. It's a process. It's practice. Tenth and eleventh step are practices, ladies and gentlemen. You could do them the rest of your life. Turn is a practice pause is a practice ask is a practice these are incredible things that you and I get to work with during the course of a day in all the areas of my life says these are thoughts which must go with me constantly I can exercise my willpower along this line all I wish is the proper use of the will the tenth step is about the line of the well I want you to think about this you did your evening review your little sunbeam through God. You went to bed and slept great. Little eyeballs pop open, right? Little committee starts talking. You make your coffee. You sit down. Upon awakening, we consider our plans for the day. Then you start saying your prayers and doing your stuff and you meditate. You're hooked up. Line of the will, right. Now you walk out to your door. Put the hand in the door. There's going to be someone in the parking lot blocking my car. You are already a little off the line. Right. Thy will be done. Boom. Back. Get in. Go into Starbucks. Three cars in front of you. Boom! Way over here. What are they doing? It's too early in the morning. Right? Thy will not be done. Boom! Back. Line of the will all day long, right? You get a phone call. Put you in tons of fear. Boom! Way over there. Way over over here, right. God, remove fear. How many rhymes would you beat? Boom! Nope, didn't quite make it. Do it again. God, move the fear. What'd you help me beat? Boom! I'm back. Now imagine you're not doing any of this. by the time you come to the meeting I'm at your ass is like this and you want to talk about self pity and it's God's fault he gave you 10 step practices all day long line of the will boom back back ask pause turn cease fighting wow powerful powerful stuff imagine if you're not doing any of these practices one day goes by two days nine days that's when you pick up the paper and go well it says in the paper that brad picked up a machine gun killed nine people just don't drink go to meetings you understand the point you see what you see how far off you get see i i don't have the luxury of doing this stuff see i do the 11th step in the morning get hooked up got your plants got your cat whatever you get all hooked up you put your hand that door it's on You're out there. That's where the 10-step, pause, ask, turn, cease, right? Great stuff to bring you back six cents, right, stay hooked up. Many times throughout the day that will be done. You do this all day long. Then you go home at night, you open your book, you do all the evening review questions. To do what? To see if you're awake during the day. To be able to get a decent night's sleep. To see si there's any corrective action. I told you, God gets even. Right? There's no rest for us once we get to 10 and 11. There's just not. Then you get up the next morning, consider the plans for the day, and sometimes that's carrying over a corrective action. You see how powerful this stuff is, though. You see, the 10th and 11th step to me are an abyss. There's not end to the practices that you can do with it. Makes you more effective in every grow in understanding and effectiveness. Right? But powerful, powerful stuff. The 12th step takes care of itself, as it has was evidenced by all of us being here. A couple of things and then I'm going to close it up. To me, 1 through 9 are a series of steps to allow me to experience the spiritual dimension of the 10th and 11th step. And they'll allow me that awaken spirit out into this world to grow in understanding and effectiveness in every area of my life. Every single area of me life. To live an abundant life beyond my wildest dreams. Along the way, practice some of the principles that we've been taught about. But see what a deal. I think we all have an obligation to take that new alcoholic, to take this new addict and talk to him about this God. To talk to them about this power that can come into their lives, how it can change and transform their lives. That they can get taken places beyond their wildest dreams if they want to. Remember? See, I work off spiritual consent. Craig, anyone I work with, Brad, they've given me spiritual consent in their life. If you haven't given me spirit, if you haven' t given me a word of spiritual consent, I'll never say a word to you about how you're living your life. if you give me spiritual consent and i and i have given spiritual consent to all kinds of people in which i give them consent to say to me you're just a little off the beam there you're getting ready to mix the kool-aid buddy see i'm the kind of guy you giveme enough space i'd be like david caress we're holding up we ain't coming out gonna rewrite the big book you know with the best of intentions you got a spiritual consent boom get some people they pull you back on track but don't miss out on this god bless y'all love you Thank you.