Daily Course of Action – Big Book Study – Cabo – Part 1 of 3 – Mark H.

Do a little mic check here, does that sound alright for you? How about everyone else? Can you hear me alright? Never had any problems with modulation I guess. My name's Mark Houston, I'm an alcoholic. And a power that I didn't believe in, didn't have much time for, separated me from alcohol and cocaine the morning of October 19th of 1982. And if I believe my big book and I do, that power along with a daily course of action, working with the strict spiritual disciplines of the 10th and 11th and 12th step have kept me from drinking. Always got to stay clear on what I'm supposed to do versus what God's supposed to do. Because I did the great God cop-out. God keeps me sober. Well there's this idea there's nothing but God so of course that's a part of it. But if you really read the 10th and 11th step, it says that you and I are sitting here sober because we're in fit spiritual condition. Correct? And then there's about five or six pages of what we're supposed to do, of very intense, very specific stuff. Prayers to say, supposed to set aside some time in the morning, meditate, supposed to consider your plans for the day, supposed to ask for freedom from self, all kinds of thing. And then there's a lot of tools that you're supposed to work with all through the day as you rub up against yourself. I'll talk more about this, but the 10-step is what I do once my hand is on the door and I'm coming out and interact with you. You do the 11-step in your home in the morning and in your house in the evening. But the 10 step you use when the game is on. By the way, when you find yourself in the middle of a highway, and there's an 18-wheeler bearing down on you, that is not a good time to try and figure out how you got there. The tenth step is about move. Get the force away from yourself. Things like watch, ask, pause, turn. Turn out of yourself into. Cease fighting. Practices. Tenth step is an abyss. Two pages. Five, six paragraphs long. We never talk about the last two or three paragraphs of the 10th step. There are a set of practices when I go out my door that I get to work with all day long. And I'll talk more about that. First nine steps allowed me to open a door into what the big book says is I've entered the world of the spirit. What does that mean? What a great question. Well, what does that means? 10th Step, I've Entered the World of the Spirit. My experience is it means I've entered the world of the Spirit. See, the big book does stuff like this. It's a real tricky book. Like you'll sit in meetings and somebody will say, I don't know how it works. I do. There's a whole chapter on how it worked. Well, I don' t know how to sponsor someone. Well, there's a full chapter called Into Action, Working with Others. Right? And we go, well, I d'on' t knoow how it works. I do, big book gave me a set of precise specific clear-cut instructions how to recover from a hopeless condition of body and mind and it's very clear about how that process develops so i want to uh read a couple quotes uh from one of my meditation books this is called 365 dao a book of daily meditations and first one is called practice says a spiritual success is gained by daily cultivation if you practice for the day you have won if you were lazy for the today then you have lost self-colivation is the heart of spiritual attainment gaining insight and ability is not a matter of grand statements dramatic initiations or sporadic moments of enlightenment those things are only highlights in a life of consistent activity whatever system of spirituality you practice do it every day if it's prayer then pray every day if it is meditation then meditate every day if it s exercise then exercise every day only then will you be able to say that you are truly practicing spirituality this methodical approach is reassuring in several ways first it provides you with a process and a means to maintain progress even if that particular day is not inspiring or significant just to practice is already good second it gives you a certain faith if you practice every day it is inevitable that you will gain from it thirdly constant practice gives you a certain satisfaction how can you say to yourself you have truly entered a spiritual path unless you can look back on years of daily practice and take comfort in the momentum that it has given you and of course our big book when it talks to me about the 10th 11th step reinforces that idea and uh i told some of you last night that i planned on doing uh what it asked me to do in the chapter working with others i was hoping to disturb some of you about the question of alcoholism and i ask you to look at some things i ask you what you were doing with the disciplines of the 10th and 11th step this idea of the things i need to do to stay in fit spiritual condition i challenge you with the idea that my body can't live off the food i ate two weeks ago And if you're trying to stay sober off an old experience, that won't work. You may find yourself in a very unexpected place called a bar or at some doctor's office getting Vicodin. Why? Because you're not in fit spiritual condition. Why? Because you are not doing the very thing that got you to where you are at. So I challenge some of you, take a look. Do you have a daily prayer and meditation life? Then I posed another question to you because the actions I take or don't take are always based on what? My belief systems. So if you're not working with the disciplines of 10 and 11, if you've gotten away from doing evening review, if you don't have a prayer and meditation life, both, what's the belief system behind that? Pardon me? Well, yeah, plain God. I don't need to do that to stay sober. Really? First step. One-third of the big books devoted to looking at your first step experience. And there's three words. Again, these are words we don't talk about in our meetings that are very, very important around this idea of the mental obsession. first 33 pages doctor's opinion up to page 23 are designed to look at one thing when I take a drink do I lose power, choice and control over how much that's not a rocket scientist question you just have to go into your experience if your drug of no choice is something other than alcohol such as cocaine or pills or whatever you're going to ask yourself the same question if i snort that line of cocaine do i have power choice control over how much and you only can answer that experientially and if the answer is no then you're powerless once it's in your body correct not hard to work with pages 23 to 43 talk about Now, what we talk about in the room is about this idea of I have a mental obsession. Here's another way to look at that, is I will commit the most insane act of my life, stone cold sober. What do I mean by that? See, I could trick you. I could ask you all to give me a list of the 10 most insane things you've ever done, and I promise you that everything you write in the list would be under the influence of alcohol or drugs. Am I right? Well, if you're like me, if when you take a drink or if when you do drugs, you lose power, choice, control over how much then once you're separated from alcohol and drugs, the most insane thing that you could ever do and you're going to do it stone cold sober is your mind's going to tell you to drink or do dope again. And you're gonna act on that. How do you help somebody who commits the most insane act of their life? Stone cold sober. I work with chronic relapses all the time. And one of my first questions is Do you think you're involved with your relapse? You know what they always tell me? Oh, yeah. Really? If I was involved with my relapse, you would have another speaker. That means I have the power to choose whether I drink or not drink. I don't. The drink chooses me regardless of circumstance, consequence, whatever. right but in those pages 23 to 43 there's these three little words they stick in there at certain times mark will have no effective mental defense against the first drink at certain time doesn't mean every time does it how about the day that you choose you choose to not do the disciplines of 10 or 11 what if it's that day see if you're not as far as I can tell if you believe this book if you've had the experience I had and you believe in the Bible if you leave this book and the only reason you're staying sober is fit spiritual condition then if you are not working with the disciplines of 10or11 then you have a belief system you know what the day looks like when your mind is going to take you back to a drink would you agree with that this program for me i one of the things i finally had to get very clear on it's about a lot more than god there's a lot of action in here lots of action i my experience is i've got to set the alarm clock to get up in the morning right there's this whole thing of what's the most important relationship in your life right when people lie to me and say god i go really how much time did you give god this morning oh about five minutes see am i willing to get up early to set aside time get a little uncomfortable got a new mantra i'm working with this year i'm here to build character instead of seek comfort sought comfort a lot of my life my willing to build character i get up between 4 and 4 15 monday through friday why because my life schedule is such i need to get up then to have an hour with this power with this god in prayer and meditation doing what the big book says because here's what i have seen over time the men and women who were my teachers and mentors and who worked out of the big book, All Die Sober, what I've noticed about them is they're doing this stuff right up to the day they die. And I mean all of it. They're not just drinking, going to meetings, living off an old experience. They're doing the deal. They're writing current inventory. They're working with prayer. They're workin' with meditation. They're doin' written evening review. Wow. But at certain times, I'll have no effective mental defense against the first drink. Am I livin' my life as though I know that? do I even know what it means to be in fit spiritual condition? That's another great question, isn't it? Right? First step. Illness of the body and mind. No human power. Once more, the alcoholic, the drug addict, at certain times has no effective mental defense against the first drink. Is that your experience? It was my experience. My first step experience, The first half of the first step turned me into a seeker of power and ended the great debate. If you're like me, if every form of human aid did not work to keep you away from a drink and if your experience is you'll commit the most insane act of your life sober, you better find some power. I tell people I'm Norwegian and Nauki, but I'm not an idiot. my experience showed me i needed a relationship with the power greater than myself and quite frankly i didn't care what you called it i tell people this you have a first step experience you're willing to get dip dunk sprayed neutered to find god you understand that steps two through twelve are not about two through 12 ladies and gentlemen they're about your need for power if you need power two through twelves like kissing a baby's But compared to what whiskey does, look what whiskey asks of you. You break the hearts of every human being who ever means anything to you. If you're a parent, you're lousy one. When you take the drink or if you're dying of untreated alcoholism, you are a miserable employee. The list goes on and on and then you come in the rooms and we say, well, all we have, you have to do a few things. Like go through the book, work the steps. you're going to have to write inventory, three of them. That's really the first time the book does something that moves you into a form of action other than look at some considerations, right? But you're gonna read these inventories and you're gonna make a list of defects. You're gonna take those to God, then you gotta make a list of all the people you've harmed, gotta pay all the money back. I was going over this one time with a guy who looks at me and goes, God, Mark, I just want to not drink, right. Then you gotta work with the disciplines of 10-11, then you got to work with others now think of what booze does to you does it to you the same thing to me and we hear what we got to do when we come in the rooms and go well that sounds like a bit much really see how do you help somebody like that see a big book says dying alcoholic death or living a spiritual basis and the guy looks and he goes could you tell me what dying alcoholic death looks like, right? I tell this to the guys at my recovery center all the time. Alcoholics are the only people in the world that will come to you asking for help and you'll give them some idea what they got to do and they'll kick you in the nuts in appreciation because They don't like what you said. Then we wonder why we're so hard to help, right? First step. That's why I go back and revisit my first step every year. My first step is what keeps me in the rooms. My first steps, what keeps you writing inventory. My first tips, what's keeping me working with the disciplines of 1011. it. My first step is what keeps me sponsoring men, these whiners and moaners. You know how new. I always got one or two new needy, needy clingy. Who's going to do that unless you need to do that to live? To do, to live, to live see i go around the country a lot a lot of groups they sell chips right you guys have chips you start looking around the number of chips picked up in 10 years on up you start looking at 20 you start working at 30 and it's non-existent what do you think these people go you think they just go to church i don't think so my truth is very few people ever get sober and die so you lose that first step connection your connection with what is wrong with you right and over time it's a subtle thing you start just going to a little less meetings you used to sponsor a bunch of guys now you're sponsoring one it's very subtle then you're not calling your sponsors much then you wake up one day and you're out now you are up against yourself and you can't get back in again I tell the guys I work with this AA is not for sprinters it's for marathon runners I know all kinds of sprinters you know they six months on fire boom i'll say yeah well just keep coming back right it's for marathon runners one day at a time but no quick fixes am i willing to do that i'm willing to due that process i want to read one more reading and then i'm going to move into the fourth step uh i don't know are there any of you in here struggling on the on the god issue any of your struggle with the god is you raise your hand one person two people the rest of you are liars how do you not struggle in the gut we're talking about god you know Give me a break We all got God issues It's called donkey One of my favorite Favorite readings Says dismount your donkey at the summit Some places in this world Are very hard to climb And people use animals Each person can only ride one And each animal might have a different name The riders go up The trail in different orders And they will discuss their varying opinions about their experiences they may even have conflicting opinions one traveler may think the trip thrilling another may found it terrifying and a third may find it boring at the summit all the travelers stand in the same place each of them has the same chance to view the same vista the donkeys are put to rest and they graze they're not needed anymore we all travel the path to God The donkeys are the various doctrines that each of us embraces. What does it matter which doctrine we embrace as long as it leads us to the summit? Your donkey might be a Zin donkey, mine might be Dao donkey, there's the AA donkey, the CA donkey, the back-to-basics donkey, the big book thumper donkey, there's Christian, Islamic, Jewish and even agnostic donkeys. All donkeys lead to the same place why poke fun at others over the name of their donkey aren't you riding one yourself we should put aside both the donkeys and our interim experiences once we arise at the summit whether we climb in suffering or joy is immaterial we are there all religions have different names for the ways of getting to the holy summit once we reach the summit we no longer need names and We experience all things directly. Boy, that says a lot, doesn't it? So I'm going to talk about the AA donkey. It was the AA monkey that got me to the summit. Now once you get to the Summit, it doesn't matter how people, what donkey gets them up there. And really even within the rooms of AA. I've always loved that visualization though. Particularly when I watch people when they start debating this God issue, right? And I've just often thought about that of you've got a Christian donkey and you've Got a Buddhist donkey and a Zen donkey and an agnostic donkey and we're going up and there's this incredible view and all we're doing is arguing about, well, the spots on my donkey are much nicer than the spots on yours. No, they're not, right. We missed the whole view. I only have one question for anybody about your donkey. is it getting you to the summit if not you might want to trade the son of a bitch in find one that gets you there get a donkey that gets you to this summit you can dismount then the views are the same for everybody I found my donkey right here right in the pages of this book particularly 30 pages of action that I had to take starting with the fourth step up to the ninth step and then a set of disciplines on a daily basis and it took me to the summit and I had a revolutionary spiritual experience and I am a recovered alcoholic and cocaine addict I have not recovery I have recovered from a hopeless state of mind exactly as my big book promised me I would starting on the title page the story of how many thousands of men and women have recovered I claim that get a concordia See how many times the big book used the word recovery, that false humility, I'll always be recovering. That is inconsistent with the book. You don't have to believe me. Read your book. By the way, the only disclaimer I ever give, if I say anything that you cannot reconcile with the big book, I'm wrong. But do not let anybody read your big book for you. It's full of promises starting on the very opening page of that book all the way through to the end. It says we have recovered and been given the power to help others. I'm not making that up. We talked about some of the other incredible promises. There's promises in every step. There's third-step promises, the fifth-step premises. There's some of them. Some of the most powerful ones in the whole book. The ninth-step promise? See, I don't know about you, but if you're new, there's a couple people that are new sitting in here tonight. is there is there any promise i can hook on to prior to the ninth step yeah all kinds of them all kinds starting on the title page you can recover from a hopeless state of mind and body in the forward the first edition all kinds what a wonderful thing 10th step promises we don't talk about those y'all know what those are don't you things like we've ceased fighting anything or anybody wow things like we've been placed in a position of neutrality we are safe and protected wow things like you have a new sixth sense those are all tenth step promises we don't talk about those you want to have fun sometime I don't know about you but when alcohol worked all the ninth step promises behind alcohol work too take the ninth step promises when alcohol worked and read them now try and read the 10 step promises when alcohol was working you can't do it very interesting 10 step though i enter the world of the spirit i in particular tonight want to move into we went up through the third step last night and uh i want to talk about the fourth step i'm big on inventory writing inventory, pen and paper. A lot more happens between pen and paper than mind and mouth. I'll say that again. A Lot more happens Between Pen and Paper Than Mind and Mouth. I watch particularly people get time. Craig, we went through this recently. He was in a situation and he called me and there was the ex-husband was making the call my pal craig was non-existent the reason i knew that wasn't even high it's just i gotta talk whole phone out to here he didn't draw a breath for like five minutes so it gets done and i said well i hope you're sitting alongside the freeway instead of driving no i'm driving when you get back to austin i want you to take a pen to paper and i want you to write some inventory and i'm not going to talk about this again until you do he called me two more times trying to get me to talk to him because that's an easier soft way somehow i'll talk about it i'll make it go away it doesn't go away just simmers then something else happens boom comes up you. Fourth step is not about recreating yourself in your own image. Fourth step is about facing to be rid of that which has you blocked from power. The fourth step is where you get entirely rid of self. That's why it's such a powerful tool. Take pen to paper. So we talked last night about the third step and I want to reiterate where the book really starts telling me what's wrong with me and i've always thought they were very cruel when they introduced this to me because it really starts to take place on page 62 of the book right and then you have the 10 pages in the doctor's opinion now that's 72 pages of information before they finally start telling you you and i what's wrong with us and the word alcohol or drugs is not in there now that'S cruel that'S not right why couldn't they have done that in the beginning see i thought when i came in the rooms and said alcoholics anonymous this was about me not drinking out because i thought my problem is alcohol 72 pages in the book they say no selfishness self-centeredness is the root of your troubles i thought it was vodka jack daniels cocaine right and then it describes how you and i live our life when we're selfish and self-centered we go through life being driven if you have not looked that word look the word driven up and you will find the word driven implies you have no choice here's how it looks for me when i'm into self-will limbo pulls up in front of my house i go out and get in the driver turns around he says hi mark my name's fear and i'm going to drive your ass today and he does all day long. The next day it's self-delusion, the next day it's self-seeking, the last day it is self-pity. But I'm being driven. Why? Because I'm into self-will, I'm into me. Choice. Choice has nothing to do with it when you're being driven by the way there's nothing worse than sitting in rooms of AA sober for a while, thinking you're choosing the course of action that you take on a daily basis. I'll tell you what woke me up to the fact that maybe I wasn't choosing, maybe I was being driven as I looked at courses of action I begin to take in sobriety that were not in my highest good and it occurred to me I'm too intelligent to choose that course of action, that maybe I better start looking at the idea I was being driven with no choice. Right? That's something for you to think about. So driven by a hundred forms of fear, self-delusion, self seeking, self pity. Now I want you to thing about inventory as I cover this with you. Let me ask this question. how many of you have written inventory, say, in the last four months? Okay. So, driven by a hundred forms of fear, self-delusion, self-seeking, and self-pitying, I step on the toes of my fellows. Column one of your inventory, resentment inventory. They retaliate. Column two, why you're angry. sometimes they hurt me third column how do you affect you see me without provocation i didn't do anything but i and it says we invariably find invariably means every time we invariable find at some time in the past we have made decisions based on self third column which later placed me in a position to be hurt if that is true every single time i've ever written inventory i should be able to go back and see that at some point in time i made decisions based on self which placed me in a position to be hurt now sometimes that means going back 10 to 15 to 20 years but my experience is this is true then the book goes on and talks about so my troubles are of my own making your fourth column think about this it's groundhog day stuff if you're in self-will you're going to go through life being driven why what 100 forms of fear self-delusion self-seeking self-pity you get up in the morning the voices are talking let's go got to go to work got a sale got to do boom whatever got to arrange all these people to fit you you know gotta be so you begin this course of action your course of action conflicts with theirs and some of them get upset with you and they do what the book says they retaliate and then your feelings are hurt then you bring that crap into my meeting instead of write inventory on it no but that's what happens and that happens long enough and then you and I start to get dis-eased and then one day the voice says at a certain time Mark I know what would treat that is a drink or a drug or a line and if I'm not in fit spiritual condition I'll act on that, commit the most insane act of my life, sober so all my troubles are of my own making until it goes on to say my troubles arise out of me and I am an extreme example of self-war and riot though I do not think so now the book gets a little more serious about our dilemma above everything we alcoholics must be rid of this selfishness we must or it kills us see if you're not working this is my experience if you are not working with the daily disciplines of 10 or 11 your selfishness is growing and growing and groin you cannot defeat your ego yeah I don't care how long you're sober you cannot defeat your eagle it will take the best of us that's the whole purpose of the disciplines of ten or eleven just to wake yourself up to your selfishness all All that happens when you get sober over a longer period of time, your stage characters change. That's all that happens. They get nicer and kinder, more spiritual and more evolved. But it's still all tricks of the ego. That's it. That's that's all. They just change. They're craftier. Get kinder. Right? You can't defeat the ego, you see. so it's interesting we must get rid of the selfish we muster kills us and of course god's name is in the next sentence and we our name is not my self-will cannot eliminate my self- will which is why all the self-help books in the world don't help people like us i'm okay you're okay and the cat's okay doesn't work what works for me is i'm an ass you're an ass and I'm okay with that. See? That kind of stuff doesn't work for me. I've tried it. I have. I really have. I've trying to self-will myself into being a nice person. It doesn't work. It goes against my very nature, right? The big book earlier talked about that. It talks about even when Mark's motives are kind, he is selfish and self-centered. Watch out! Right? That's what I told you the other night. Now it's nice elkies scare me because I know better. Thank God we were given the AA donkey. It allows us to function in the world. They give us our own tribe. We've got to meet, see, only with each other. And other people don't understand this. Now it says there often seems no way of entirely getting rid of self without God's aid. I told you this last night. That sentence tells me that if I'm willing to continue to do some things in this book, I can be entirely rid of self. Now, I don't know about the rest of you, but on any given day, I get real tired of Mark. You know what I'm saying? Can you imagine that? Entirely rid of itself. See, Craig came up to me one day and he says, I want to become enlightened. And I said, well, I'm sorry to hear that. And he said, why? I said, because the part of you that wants to get enlightened, if it happens, you will not be around to recognize it. He said, well, I don't want to be enlightened if I can't recognize it, right? I can be entirely rid of self with God's aid. How does that happen? The steps, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, make amends, discipline 10, 11, do it again, do it Again, do It again, entirely rid Of self. Amazing, amazing process. And then it goes on and talks about you and I have this moral and philosophical convictions galore. You know, I'm going to be a neat guy, pay taxes, honor my relationships, be a man of integrity, I want to work out six days a week, get buff, you know, quit all bad vices, eat nothing but nutritious food. How's that working for you? Not good. Going to buy 14 books as I'm trying to do all this And then I turn around and give them the next out. He was going to try that because they don't work for me, you know. So I see that this is me. I can't live up to it even though I would like to. Neither can I reduce my self-centeredness by wishing or trying on my own power. See, here's where I'm up against when I look at this second and third step and move into the fourth. My own power versus do I need God's power. That's where the rub is. i had to have god's help do i yeah yeah so this is then the book said this is how you're going to get god's health earlier on the book told you and i where we're going to find god deep down within matter of fact it says in the final analysis that's the only place that we'll find god tell the men that i that i work with that This is a neat deal. The very power I need dwells within me, but I'm blocked from it. Call it a jewel, call it whatever, but it exists within and I'm locked. Four through nine will remove that. And the very power that I need to change and transform my life, I don't have to go anywhere. I can find it in Cabo, Austin, Texas, anywhere. What a wonderful, incredible thing if I'm willing to just take a course of action. See, I don't know about the rest of you, but that was like a Cheech and Chong moment. I had this idea somehow I had to go somewhere to experience God and that God was out there. The idea that I'm going to have this experience internally was a whole new concept for me, right? So here's how I'm gonna get God's help. I gotta quit playing God. I gave some of you an assignment if you wanted to try it last night. Make a list of your areas currently in your life in which you're like to play God. Any of you do that, by the way? Seriously, that's a great exercise. Did you do that? Good. In your head. It's kind of funny, isn't it? Seriously. See, the reason I wanted to throw this out to you, I don't think you're much different than me. I think most of you have a whole bunch of areas you want to play God in. You've just been sober long enough to pretend you ain't got that going on. Does that make sense? You understand what I just said to you? Remember, you get crappier. See, the toolkit of self-will, the longer you're sober, it's just crapptier, that's all. You'll use kindness. Let me get that for you. Still a toolkit of self will. but it talks about the reason you and I are going to quit playing God is because yet me playing God doesn't work. Do I believe that? Do I believethat? Yeah. Yes, every time I go back and look at this, where am I playing God? And do I believethat me playingGoddoesntwork? Yes. Why is that important? Because somewhere in here there must be a collapse of the self, a collapse to the point to understand that you're part of a greater whole and you don't have a clue about any of it. how long people are supposed to be here, how long they're supposed to live, you name it. Where you live, all of it. It's that kind of a collapse. You understand? That kind of a collapse where you become a part of a plan. You're going to quit playing God. What does that mean for me? It means where I live, who's in my life, who is not, what I do for a living, all of it. All of it is in the hands of someone else. The only thing I worry about is what's within my control. What do I mean by that? This morning, what time I got up, setting the alarm clock, doing the disciplines of the 10th and 11th step this morning. If I wanted to work out today, I could do that. If I want to eat right today, I could go to the gym. I could try to do that, all kinds. That's what's within my domain. The rest of it is not. It just isn't. I'm along for the ride. See, I kind of like living in Denver, Colorado. If I didn't stay in it, I'd never got to Texas. I've been in Texas since 1991. My resistance, the way I wound up there, was I wound up going there through a nut house. Don't resist this thing. God wants you in Texas, you're going to Texas! See, I didn' t know for the longest time why the book warned you and I when we make this third step decision. People rub up against this third step and they say this third step prayer in which you say to God God I offer myself to thee to go with me and you do with me as thou wilt I'm going to go back to my episode in Texas. I had three job offers to come to Texas the two years prior to going to the psych hospital I turned them all down Why? Because I didn't want to go to Texas God said look got work for you down here boy gonna get we're gonna try it this way you're gonna get a nice job offer they're willing to move you down all kinds of stuff no thank you i like it here okay we're going to try it again right we try another offer nah i got it i got okay cool you gave your life to me it's a good thing you did you weren't doing too well i got work for you in texas now we're Gonna do it my way you're gonna be really depressed to the point where you can't work you can leave your apartment and you're going to get really uncomfortable I'm gonna leave you in the desert for a while you want to stay in there you go right ahead have a good day and I rode out the desert experience into a series of events I wound up in Texas got some water back in my diet again I said hmm when I got released from that place I've made an agreement God I'm gonna try and pay a little bit more attention next time when you want me going somewhere right back I'm just gonna travel light for a while that's exactly what happened it was in Houston Texas for a wild then Kerrville Texas and then Austin Texas then Dallas Texas now back in Austin now I will tell you this and all the time I've been sober I feel like I can sink roots first time I know what it's like to get sent out. See, we say this third step prayer and then we forget what we said because we think they're just words. They're just little words, right? I know some of you are going through some suffering. I want you to understand what you said to that which created everything. I offer myself to thee to build with me and you do with me as you want. And then that power does that and you whine. It doesn't work that way. See? See, somewhere in there what I had to learn along the way was I had that faith and courage. And I had look at myself like a child, a little two-, three-year-old child. You know, I have a tendency to play with sharp knives, right? A parent takes it away. What's a child do? A child gets upset. A parent's taking it away for the child's own benefit, right. See, that's what I've had to look at in terms of me and this relationship with God. And that's just the way I am. I whine a lot when the knife, the shiny object gets taken away from me. You stay sober long enough and you start to understand why that happened. So we say the third step prayer. And then off of that prayer, now we're going to launch into inventory. And I want to talk about resentment inventory. They use some great words. Personal house cleaning. though my third step decision was a vital and crucial step, it. By the way, my experience is when you go through the big book and the book uses the word it, always know what it means because it does that a lot, but know what it means. Though my third-step decision was vital and crucial, it will have little permanent effect. What do you think they meant there? You don't think they meant permanent effect, do you? Yeah, they meant permanent effect. A permanent effect I've never drank since the time I did this. I have experienced a permanent effect, why? Because I was willing to do the rest of the work Relapse is not complex It is not There's a set of precise specific clear cut instructions and the book says if you're willing to do them you cannot fail the only people i've seen that could not maintain permanent sobriety were the ones who would not submit to this process i don't know if there's such a thing as reincarnation if there is i must not have been a nice guy in the last lifetime and the reason i say that is i normally only get to sponsor chronic relapses their four favorite words are i know and yes but they know more about the big book than i ever thought of and they like to point that out to me but they can't stay sober finally they come to me and it's it's not complex and it'S NOT BECAUSE OF THE STUFF THAT HAPPENED TO HIM AS A CHILD IT'S BECAUse THEY'VE NEVER BEEN WILLING TO SURRENDER ONE DAY AT A TIME AND GO THROUGH THIS PROCESS AND GAIN ACCESS TO POWER AND THEN KEEP DOING THAT MOST OF THEM DON'T WANT TO work with other people. They're too selfish. But I don't find relapse to be any big secret whatsoever. So, let's go on and look at some of our instructions around the four steps. Here's what this is. This is going to be a strenuous effort to face and to be rid of the things inside me which have been blocking me from what? Power. The power I need. That's the only reason I write inventory, ladies and gentlemen. There is no other reason. I need access to power, and I'm blocked from it. Here's where the book starts to tell you and I that my liquor or my drugs is but a symptom. When you go to a doctor, what does the doctor do? He asks you a series of questions if you're not feeling well, correct? What do you report to him? Symptoms. Does he treat the symptoms or the problem? the symptom he treats the problem your drinking and or your drug use is not the problem it is a symptom you get that earlier the book told us what the problem was you remember what that was it said above everything we must be rid of what that's the problem selfishness that's the problem if for whatever reason you'll have to complain to God about this because I don't understand it either when I get consumed with myself I like to drink I don' t know why I just do and so do you or you don't drink but you get real miserable when you think everything is about you the spotlights always got to be on you It's got to work out the way you want. Don't know why that is? I don't know Why we're that way, but we are. That's why the book says at this point, Mark, your booze is but a symptom. We've got to get down to causes, second column, and conditions, third column. If you haven't taken a dictionary, look up the word causes and conditions. Condition refers to a state of being. Remember last night I gave you all something to look at too? identify your list of characters, your stage characters. All the different things that you think define who and what you are. Every one of those is a state of being. Look up the word condition. It refers to a state of being Big Book when it goes from the third column to fourth column says in that state the wrongdoing of others fancy real has the power to kill. So you'll come back to this. When I really began to work a lot with him I truly became a student and I started looking these words up and I started seeing because I was watching these incredible things happen off of writing inventory and doing fifth steps and I could not understand why how can you write these three inventories sit across from somebody do a fifth step and then get catapulted into the fifth step promises not to mention amends how does that happen that makes no sense whatsoever so I started to really explore that say what takes place here i knew somehow it was connected to entirety being rid of self and that's what happens ladies and gentlemen four through nine as you begin to get disconnected from all these mind-made false sense of self that you think defined you that makes you afraid all the time you begin to get pulled back from that you begin to be rid of that which has you blocked from what god the power deep down within and you begin to feel that connection that sense of oneness and you began to know that all is well in spite of what's going on out here you begin to touch that part of you true self call it what you will awaken spirit whatever but that's why to me i begin to pay so much attention to the fourth step and the fifth step. It's also why I begin to do what I call multiple fifth steps, where you take a body of work and read it to one, two, three, four, five different people. Fabulous experience. If you haven't tried it, try it. Big Book said I need to take my inventory and read into person or persons, plural. By the way, one thing I'll throw out here, if you've never taken a body OF inventory and reddit to several people, then you have no experience with it, right? All you have is an opinion. I'm not interested in your opinion of an experience you've never had. That was one of my major defects for years. I would give you my opinion on all kinds of experiences I've never heard. Finally, I said to myself, self, that needs to go away. So in 1995, I was approached with the idea of doing multiple fifth steps. So I did. I went to California and did one, did one in Kerrville, Texas, went down to Louisiana, read one to a woman long time sober, did three fifth steps within one month, sat with that, three of them. It was an incredible experience. Had no reservation about amends whatsoever. Saw tremendous levels of truth through the three fifths steps. I've been doing multiple fifths every since. Now when I had an opinion and no experience, I didn't do them. I'll tell you what I realized in hindsight is my ego was scared to death that it was going to get broken down. Let's see if I can explain what I mean by that for just a moment. You know, a lot of times you go on meetings, they'll have meetings on forgiveness. Ever been to a meeting on forgiveness? This is my experience. I don't have to operate with the concept of forgiveness. Here's why. If I'll do inventory work, the part of me that would need to forgive dies. And there's nothing to forget. See, the ego to the ego self, all I do is enhance the memory if I'm working on trying to forgive you. It gets worse for me. It doesn't get better. What has to happen is the part in me that we need to forget better die. The only way I know how to do that is steps 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, and 9. So, let's talk about it. You're going to make a list of people, institutions or principles with whom you're mad. Whenever I write inventory, I write down. Why? Because the instructions they gave us make a lists and they put a period. They didn't say right across. So I stop, I say a prayer, and the names flow. People, institutions, principles. When I first started writing inventory, I didn't have many principles, and the reason is on my inventory is because I didn' t have many principals. And over time, I began to understand what principals were, and I didn''t like a lot of them, and I wrote a lot of inventory on them. I love writing the second column. That's where I'm angry, and I use bullets, and I don't pull any punches, and I try and describe behavior specifically. Right? recently wrote some inventory. The second column gets to be very, very important in terms of your third and your fourth column. So now I'm done, and now I have a list, people, institutions, principles. Now I have my second column. And now I like to take out a legal pad, and I write the name at the top, and I right the second column, and now Iím going to write my third column. Now, the big book presents to you and I seven areas of self that are hurt, threatened, or interfered with. Those seven areas are self-esteem. That's how I see and feel about myself behind my resentment, right? Pride, that's how others see me. No one should. Ambition, it's what I wanted. It's what i wanted you to do, right. Security, what I need to be okay. Personal relations, same sex. Sex relations, opposite sex. Money, seven areas of self. This is what I've learned over time. Third column is where you're playing God. Do not write the third column from an aspect of low self-esteem because God does not have low self esteem. You and I are writing the resentment because we got just a little bit too much. otherwise we wouldn't have it now over the for periods of time initially when i started working with inventory when i get to my third column i would just write the word out like my self-esteem was affected or my pride or in my ambition what finally happened was i could not i didn't get free doing that so there were a bunch of guys in denver belonged to a group called the god squad a guy named Big Frank, scary guy, biggest hand and heads on any guy human I ever met. Ex-sheepherder turned lawyer. He's dead now. He died with about 42 years of sobriety. Brilliant man. He was something else, I tell you. But he did a thing called Theater of the Lie, and they really, really expanded on the third column, self-esteem. I'll give you an example. How I do this. I recently wrote an inventory on a guy that I've done some work with, column two, and I'll paraphrase. Doesn't walk the walk. He's a liar. See? Talks the talk but doesn't do the deal. Remember I told you we all got stage characters? So guess who's writing this inventory? The sponsor. He's making the sponsor look bad here. Right? See? I also put down there that he was a poor employee. That was in there. So I had three, four, five, six things. Now, were those true? Yes. How am I going to make this second column into a lie? Because I have to. If I'm going to write inventory, I'm going to take, I've got to turn that second column, what I think is the truth of the second column and turn it into a lot. So here's the first thing I see. In order for me to write anything in the second column, in the third column, I'm God. So under self-esteem, I am a step worker. Judgment. I'm walking the walk. I'm a good employee. Judgment, you follow me? Everything I wrote in the 2nd. Under self-esteem, I think I'm exactly the opposite, which is the only reason I wrote it there to begin with. I didn't write this inventory because I suffered from low self- esteem. I got just a little bit too much. Pride. No one should see a sponsor of mine not doing the deal. Wow. No one Should Not Give Their Employer A Fair Day's Work. Ambition, what do I want? I want him doing the Deal, walking the walk, giving me a fair day's labor and growing balls. I did, right? Security, what Do I Need To Be Okay? I need people I've done the work with to act like men of integrity to be okay. Whoa, whoa. I'm up against some stuff, aren't I? Right? Sober long time. I like this guy. Look what I'm up against here. Little inventory in the second column, right? I'm in my 26th year. Bullshit. I'm fighting for my life. This is about drinking whiskey. Right? I'm upset about whether he's walking the walk or not. Yeah, I am. You bet I am, right. Personal relations. Real men honor other men who've helped them, right? Wow. Isn't that interesting? Money, pocketbook, I am my money, right, don't mess with my money. Now, that's my third column. You see how I play God in that third column? Remember last night I gave you a little visual? You all went home, sit in your little amphitheater, you're up in your throne chair looking at all these people in your life If you're trying to arrange, if your arrangements can only stay put, if only they do as they wish, you'd be happy and satisfied, right? You start to look at this. He's sitting out there. Then I move over to the fourth column. What mistakes did I make? Well, let's see. This is the third time I've hired this guy. The first two, I had to fire him too, right. Why did I do that? Because I'm too lazy to interview anyone else. I got shit to do. Yeah, I love writing inventory. There's all kinds of stuff in there. Amazing. And what I did is, what I wrote in the third and fourth column, because everything, by the way, that I wrote the second column that I resented was the truth. But my third and forth column turned that into a lie because at the end of the day my troubles are my own making. You see how free I got? Wow, what a deal. Now I write fear inventory. I've written fear inventory a lot of different ways. My current one, I just did a two-column fear inventory, but I work with my current fears. Remember I threw out to you last night, try something. All of you, if you take the last week or two, you've had reoccurring fears go through your mind. This is not where you got 50 or 100 of them. It's the ones that keep going through your head. It's what's going through my mind, the stuff that you're rubbing up against now. So column one, what's the fear, right? Column two, why do you have the fear? For example, who's got a fear? Give me a fear you're working with. Anybody. What is it? Okay, so what's the fear? Okay, so you're afraid because she's going to have a baby and the reason you have it is you've never been a father before. Okay. Good. Give me another one. Pardon me? Failure? Is that what someone said? Why do you have that fear? well it won't feel good if you fail it affects your image right now by the way if you're going to write on fair write on the other success one of the things i i like to do with people if they've had a little time is i have them right on what i call the big 12 failure success acceptance rejection sobriety drinking god no god god agnosticism living and dying let's see what's the last one oh um well i said i mentioned acceptance rejection i came up with those because i've listened to so many inventory and written so many those 12 cover the bulk of most fears. Oh, that was the other one. Everyone has this big fear of abandonment, right? Well, I'm going to see if I can help you with this, with this fear. The reason you have it is because it will happen. It's supposed to happen. You and I live in a world of impermanence. It started the minute I was born. I've been abandoned ever since by everything that meant anything to me. That's why I turned to God. Wow. And I live in that. And I take that into an ever-changing life situation in which everything that I think is going to give me some sense of satisfaction will abandon me and will leave me. But being connected to God, that oneness, that never leaves me. And all is well. And it's all on loan. And it is impossible for me to be abandoned anymore. see it wasn't mine to begin with mine mine my car my ae grew anytime you use that word you're gonna be writing some inventory my wife watch watch pay attention to your language ladies and gentlemen my job my home mine mine that's where all your inventory comes from it's where your fear you think that shit you own it you think it defines you you have attachments to it she walk around afraid all the time mine see it's a paradox when my life is simple live in a one-bedroom apartment no big deal right now I've got three million dollars worth of property that the company I started sits on do you think there's more fear associated with that by chance see That's not right. See, I was taught you get more, get, right? Actually, there's not more fear associated with that. There would have been at one time. But there's none. We're in a world like a loose garment. Move in, move out. It's all on loan. No attachments. Present moment. God. Rid of self. Love things as they are. Stay present. Right? It's all on loan. Mine doesn't exist. Nothing belongs to us. It's All on Loan. You don't breathe on your own power. You do nothing on your own power because only the illusion of separateness. I love the people who talk about, well, I have control issues. No, you don't. You have illusion issues. There's no such thing as control. Go down to breath. Did any of you control your breathing today? No. The most non-recognized essential element in your life, and most of you went through the whole day and didn't think of it one time? Your breath. Am I right? Am I Right? Sure. You guys are afraid to answer anything now, aren't you? Not raising my hand. I don't care what he says. waking up it's a call to wake up steps are called to wake up have fun with yourself have fun with your life God quit taking yourself too serious have fun tell the men I work with you know Craig we laugh all the time me and my pal we laugh at all the times at ourselves get interested in your true self you are amazing I am funny this mind it's just insane you know And today we were laughing because I was like, what did you do? And I said, well, actually, I napped all day. I haven't done that like I was junior in high school or something. And I did. Got up at 630 and did my disciplines, had something to eat, went back to bed. Next thing I knew it was 4 o'clock in the afternoon, right? Well, in one of those moments when I went out to drink water or whatever, Craig came in and he's talking to me. Well, unbeknownst to him, because he falls asleep sometimes, I'm going back in, close the door. He's still talking. Five, 10, 15 minutes. Doesn't realize I'm completely gone, right? Then by the time he wakes up to it, because I know how he is, I guarantee you he looked to see if the neighbor by chance saw him talking to himself. See, how do you not laugh at that kind of stuff, right, you know? We do, but we have fun, see, watching Brad get all twisted up, right. he and i were talking today you know you get your sense of self outside yourself right so so he wants to make sure all these people that came in from out of town which is vast numbers have an amazing time so he can be liked and loved then he resents you all for doing all the shit he's got to do for you how do you not laugh at that you know what i'm saying i tell you that's why we have our own tribe just now you know we don't mix well with those others see see we understand that you know oh but all this stuff comes write the inventories write the fear inventories sex inventory it's about relationships not just about and sexual energy, you write those three inventories and you turn around and you do a fifth step. I want to close tonight reading the Fifth Step Promises because to me they're some of the most powerful in the whole book and they're on page 75. When you get done reading these three inventors to someone, it says we pocket our pride, we go to it, We illuminate every twist of character, every dark cranny of the past. Once we've taken this step, withholding nothing, then here are my fifth step promises. It says we are delighted. We can look the world in the eye. We can be alone at perfect peace and ease. Our fears fall from us. We begin to feel the nearness of our creator. we may have had certain spiritual beliefs but now we begin to have a spiritual experience the feeling the drink problem has disappeared will often come strongly we feel we're on the broad highway walking hand in hand with the spirit of the universe don't get any better than that god bless you see you monday Thank you.