Making Amends and Balancing the Books – Workshop – Part 5 of 5 – Mark H.

If you are in a marriage, if there are amends to be made in this area, pay attention. No outsider can appraise such an intimate situation. Read the book, talk to your sponsor, pray, and you do what comes to you. This is important. We're talking about the most intimate of all situations and the most terrible of all human emotions, jealousy. I think there's reasons the book says no outsider can apprehend such an ultimate situation. I've seen this go both ways. I've see men who decided through this exercise the best thing was to not say a word to the woman about their affairs. And I've seeing men who decided the best things was to tell her about the affairs. And both of them came out fantastic. So no outsider can appraise this situation. It says it may be that both will decide the way of good sense and lovely kindness is to let bygones be bygnes. Each might pray about it, keeping the other one's happiness uppermost in mind. Keep it always in sight where dealing with that most terrible human emotion, jealousy. Good generalship may decide the problem to be attacked on the flank rather than the risk of face-to-face combat. If we have no such complications, there's plenty we should do at home. Sometimes we'll hear an alcoholic say the only thing he needs to do is keep sober. Certainly he must keep sober for there will be no home if he doesn't. But he is yet a long way from making good to the wife or parents whom for years he has so shockingly treated. Passing all understanding is the patience mothers and wives have had with alcoholics. Had this not been so, many of us would have no homes today or would perhaps be dead. And these next few sentences describes me and most drunks I've known. The alcoholic is like a tornado roaring his way through the lives of others. Hearts are broken. Sweet relationships are dead. Affections have been uprooted. Selfish and inconsiderate habits have kept the home in turmoil. We feel a man's unthinking when he says sobriety is enough. He's like the farmer who came out of his cyclone cellar to find his home ruined. To his wife, he remarked, don't say anything that matters here, ma. You need to grant the wind stop blowing. Page 83. Here's some real instructions that I can do on a daily basis for my family. For me, my family consists of my brothers and sisters in AA so these are tools I can pick up in my daily meditation in my interaction with them here's what it says yes there is a long period of reconstruction ahead we must take the lead a remorseful mumbling we are sorry won't fill the bill at all let me say that again a remourceful muggling we're sorry won't filled the bill at all making amends is not about sitting across from someone saying I'm sorry. We passed out a form and when I make amends I follow the same procedure as comes out of the book. I'm in a 12-step program for recovery. I will never get over drinking until I've done my utmost to straighten out my past. In my relationship with you this is where I was at fault. I borrowed this $500 from you told you I would pay it back and did not. I slandered your names at times. I did this, I did that I did what I did this, they did this When I get done talking about where I'm at fault, here's a question. Do you need to tell me how what I did harmed you? And then I shut up and I listen. And they will tell you how your actions harmed them. And thenI ask another question. In addition to that, is there anything else I have ever done that has harmed you ? And theywill sometimes said yes. Now that you've mentioned it, this and this andthis. And then I ask the most important question of all. What can I do to set things right between us to balance the books? And I shut up. And they tell me. And if it's moral, and if it is legal, I do it. Understand something about finishing amends. Finishing amends isn't just about the approach. It's about doing what's asked of you to do. For example, my sponsor, when he made amends to his mother, you know what she told him she wanted him to do? she said I only wanted you to be happy since that day every time his mother sees him he's happy irregardless of what's going on in his life why? because that's what she told him she wanted him to do to make amends to her so he shows up at her house he's unhappy all the time whenever he's around his mother that's how it is that's not what we do when we make amens what can I do to set this right what can i do to balance the books so it says we ought to sit down with the family and frankly analyze the past as we now see it being very careful not to criticize them their defects may be glaring but the chances are our own actions are partially responsible so I clean house with the families now I'm going to be given a spiritual tool I ask each morning in meditation that my creator show me the way of patience tolerance, kindness, and love that's a prayer if you have a family for me I have an AA family that I can take into meditation every morning the spiritual life is not a theory we have to live it we have to live the spiritual life, it's not a thing it's a theory unless one's family expresses a desire to live upon spiritual principles we think we ought not to urge them we should not talk in tussling to them about spiritual matters they'll change in time our behavior will convince him more than our words we must remember that 10 or 20 years of drunkenness would make a skeptic out of anyone says there may be some wrongs we can never fully right we don't worry about them if we can honestly say to ourselves we would write them if they were right if we could some people cannot be seen we send them an honest letter and there may not be a valid reason for postponement in some cases but we don�t delay if it can be avoided We should be sensible, tactful, considerate and humble without being servile or scraping. As God's people we stand on our feet we do not crawl before anyone. And that sums up the instructions on steps 8 and 9. The book is highly highly specific and my experience is most of what I hear in AA around amends is not in this book. I don't think there's much doubt in any of our minds as we went through this together about this making of amends is there we must not shrink at anything we must be willing to go to any lengths willing to lose position reputation now I'll share this experience again I could give you a lot of stories about amends and the incredible things that happened but my experience most of all with all that how free do you want to get I don't have any future until I clean up my past. Amends are spiritual exercises. I shared this with a friend, another reason I like to do the three by five cards. When I'm done, I put them in groups. Here's what the groups look like. Remember I said I put a plus or minus? I take all the minuses, the ones I don' t want to do, and I put it in groups and I've got them here. All the pluses here. If I've gotten some amends out of state, I put those here and I'll put financial over here. Now I have four distinct groups. He said to Don, well how do I get the willingness to make the ones that I don't want to make? He said by starting to make amends to the ones you're willing to make. And I did that and I began to see that this was kind of a neat deal. The other neat piece is as I make the amend I can throw the card away. There are two times when I'm going through the steps that inanimate objects talk to me. One of them happens in inventory. I'm writing inventory and I set it in my office and I'm walking down and I go to my bedroom at night and I hear this thing out of the office. Mark, I'm your inventory and I've sitting in here and I am waiting for you. You ever had that happen with your inventory? It talks to you? Here's the other time. Here's why the event cards are so neat. Those cards, three by five cards you can carry with you. So you have them in your briefcase. You go to open your brief case and you go sit down back at your desk and you hear this voice. Mark, on that guy you screwed out of $500 I'm here. The amend cards, if they're there, I'm carrying them with me all the time. You know why? We're going to read instructions. The day I begin to make amends, I beginto operate in steps 10 and 11 and my sole function is to finish amends. If I make a list on an 8 1⁄2 by 11 by piece of paper, my experience in working with people, they may or may not look at that list once a month or once a week. But you get all these 3x5 cards and you begin each day. When I started amends, my sponsor only had one question for me. When I saw him, it wasn't even a low. It was how many amends do you have left? I know this works. There's a lady sitting in this room that left here 60 days ago and started with like 65 amends. She's only got 22 left. I told you there's a man sitting in his room who went down to Trinidad. I love this when people say, well, I can't go make all the amends His story is like one of hundreds. Hopped a plane, spent his own money, went down to Trinidad and spent a month making every amend he was consciously aware of. I love this story. You guys will get a kick out of this. You know how they do amends on Trinidad because it's an island? When it comes time for amends, the sponsor comes and picks up the protege and takes him on every single amend. Wow. I'd love to have my sponsor with me. But think about that. That would be kind of a neat deal. It is possible to finish all your amends. How much freedom do you want? Are you really willing to go to any length? There are levels of freedom in this program. And it does get down to how much freedom do you need? You will have more of a future if you clean up the past. Because the things that have you blocked from God and other people get removed from you. Are amends easy? No. Are they fun? No Are they rewarding? Absolutely To get free from your past There's nothing like it in the world. The day when you finish the last of one, the absolute last one. And you know in your conscious memory there's no harm left that you haven't attempted to clean up. Give me an idea. The book talks about I'll send out an honest letter. Here's what I do on amends from the past a long time ago. First of all, I try and find an address. If I can't find an adress, I try to think is there someone I know that knows them. If not, I can go to the library in the town I think they're living in and try and get them. Try and find them. And if I have a real old address even if I know it's not any good I write the letter and send the letter out to the universe then I've met the criteria of the book I've done my utmost to make that amend some interesting things happen off that stuff I think I'd like to stop we're going to take a little break and then we're gonna come back and we're gunna take a look at the promises and then I'm gonna show you some stuff with 10 and 11 ok hello I'm Mark Houston, I'm an alcoholic We are heading into the home stretch here, probably about another hour and a half, and we will be finished here. Page 83, bottom of the page. We read, I stress a lot the promises in the big book, and I did that because we read the first promise on the title page. We read some incredible promises in the second step. We read about a lot of promises after we made our third-step decision. Some of the most powerful promises inthe whole book come after I've shared my inventories with somebody, fifth-step promises. There were promises after the seventh step. And now we're going to take a look at the promises we get about what happens when I attempt to go out and clean up the wreckage from my past. So page 83, bottom of the page says, if I am painstaking about this phase of my development. I like the word painstacking. I will be amazed before I am halfway through. Now let me explain what halfway through means. If I have a hundred amends, it means that I will not be amazed before I get to fifty. I have had different experiences. I have sometimes been amazed at what happens when I finish my cards. I have been amazed when I finished all of them, and I've been amazed when I'm halfway through, so I've had all different experiences. But here's some of the promises I get as a result of being page-taking about this phase of my development, making amends. I'm going to know a new freedom and a new happiness. I will not regret the past nor will I wish to shut the door on it. I will comprehend the word serenity, and I will know peace. No matter how far down the scale I've gone, I will see how my experience can benefit others. That feeling of uselessness and self-pity will disappear. I will lose interest in selfish things and I will gain interest in my fellows. Self-seeking will slip away. My whole attitude and outlook upon life will change. Fear of people and of economic insecurity will lead me. I will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle me. I will suddenly realize that God is doing for me what I could not do for myself. Sometimes when I get to page 84, having had experience with all the promises in this book, I'm overwhelmed by how much God loves me. We're not talking just little promises of you're going to have a nice day here. We're talking about being rocketed into the fourth dimension called the world of the Spirit and literally every single area of your life being dramatically changed and most of all, that interior change that takes place. It goes on to say, are these extravagant promises? We think not. They are being fulfilled among us sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. That sentence might speak to me about how long I take to make amends. next sentence i think is very important these promises will always materialize if i work for them we've been shown how to work for him haven't we go make the amends i want to share some stuff in in 10 and 11 i've been able to spiritually understand these steps more in the last two years than ever before and in particular in the past last year and that's what i want to share with you i hear meetings that 10 11 are maintenance steps they are not meeting steps for me at all they are growth steps tremendous growth steps so let's go through and take a look at what happens now it says this thought brings us to step 10. What do you think the book means when it says this thought? The thought is those promises will materialize if I continue to make my amends. That's the thought. So, when we look at the instructions in the big book, the day that I got through with all my cards and I was going to start making the first amend was the day my sponsor said come on over to the house and we're going to sit down and go over the instructions on the 10th and 11th step. And the reason is we're going to read in the 10 step, the instruction is I commence this way of living as I vigorously cleaned up the past. I was at me not long ago and a person was out making amends and we talked a little bit afterwards and I was explaining to him how I used 10 and 11 to go make amends. And they said my sponsor told me not to do anything with 10 until I was done with amends I was flabbergasted. I can't conceive of making amends without using 10 and 11 to get the power to go make the amends, let alone live in the world. So let's look at what this step says. This thought, the idea of finishing amends brings me to step 10, which suggests that I continue to take personal inventory, fourth step, and continue to set right any new mistakes as they go along. i vigorously commence this way of living as i cleaned up the past that's the instruction to start the 10th step the day you start your amends look at the next sentence and ask yourself how often we hear this is a topic for meetings in aa i have entered the world of the spirit remember i told you in the second step we commence spiritual growth in the fifth step we may have had certain spiritual beliefs now we have the spiritual experience well when I get to the tenth step having done this work I've now entered the world of the spirit why don't we talk about you want to really screw up an AA meeting the next one you go to and the chairman says you have a topic yes, I have a copy I'm not there yet but I'm curious in the tenth steps it says we've entered the world with the spirit I'd like to hear from some people in this room what their experience is with having entered the world of the Spirit and watched the meeting change to fear or something. Think about it. Look at the next sentence. It says, We've entered the role of the spirit. My next function is to grow. Circle the word grow. Is to grow in understanding of effectiveness. Is it possible that I'm supposed to grow in understanding and effectiveness of what it's like to have entered the word of the world of the Holy Spirit? think about that is it possible the book is suggesting that my next function is to grow an understanding of effectiveness of what it's like to have entered the world of the spirit this is not an overnight matter it should continue for my lifetime says continue to watch for selfishness dishonesty resentment and fear well that's my fourth step isn't it when these crop up that implies they're going to crop up I ask God at once to remove them. That's what I do in Steps 6 and 7. I discuss them with someone immediately, Step 5, and make amends quickly if I've harmed anyone, Step 9. Then I resolutely turn my thoughts to someone I can help. Love and tolerance of others is our code. Now, in the next few paragraphs we're going to read about what I call the 10-step promises. You do not hear the 10 step promises talked about much in the halls of Alcoholics Anonymous either. It was told to me by several people who have been doing this work a lot longer than me the reason we don't hear that is because most people in AA have never finished all their amends so they don't have any experience with the 10 steps promises. Is that true? I don't know. Look at your own experience. Here's one of them. Do I have the power to operate with love and talents of others is my code. And this next sentence, I absolutely love. And I have ceased fighting anything or anyone, dash, even alcohol, and alcohol is last. I have seized fighting anything for anyone, the IRS, the woman or man that wants to leave, the financial difficulties, the physical ailments. I have ceased fighting anything or anyone because in the world of the spirit there is no room to fight anything or any one there's just love and service now second step talks about came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore me to sanity look at the next sentence for by this time sanity will have been returned I will seldom be interested in liquor if tempted I recall from liquor is from a hot flame I react sanely and normally and I find this happens automatically automatically means I don't have to think about it I will see my new attitude toward liquor has been given me without any thought or effort on my part now I remember asking about that question I said to Don wait a minute, I worked my butt off in these steps what do you mean? there's no thought or effect on my heart he said you didn't go through these steps to have a changed attitude toward liquor? I said, my God, you're right. I didn't. And it told me it was given to me. It says it just comes. That is the miracle of it. I am not fighting it. Neither am I avoiding temptation. I feel as though I've been placed in a position of neutrality, safe and protected. I have not even swore off. Look at the next sentence. Instead, the problem has been removed. we talked earlier about the power of choice in the world of the spirit there is no more the power to choose booze than there is to stop breathing the idea of operating the world of the Spirit and drinking alcohol cannot coexist in the same place you see what the book's trying to tell me the problem's been removed in the tenth step as a result of all this other work and I've entered the world of the Spirits it says it does not exist for me the problem has been removed it does not exist for me what problem? craving of the body obsession of the mind spirituality the root of my problem all those things they've been removed they don't exist for me anymore and I now operate in the world of the spirit I'm neither cocky nor am I afraid that is our experience says that is how we react so long as we keep in fit spiritual condition now I get a warning it is easy this is the only time the big book tells you anything is easy and it's in the form of a deadly warning it is easier to let up on the spiritual program of action and rest on my laurels here's what laurels are anything that you've ever done up through this minute that you think has something to do with keeping you sober that's laurels I'm headed for trouble if I do for alcohol as a subtle fault I am not cured of alcoholism what I really have is a daily reprieve contingent on the maintenance of my spiritual condition now that sentence implies something to me if I'm given a daily reprieved contingent to maintain my spiritual condition, what if I don't do anything to maintain My spiritual condition common sense says I probably may not be given the daily reprive remember we looked at something about the obsession of the mind I am unable at certain times to remember the consequences of the last drink You see, there may be some people in AA who have a luxury of taking a day off from prayer or meditation. I am not one of them. That might be the day when I go get drunk. See what I'm saying? See what the book's trying to speak to us about? Every day is a day when i must carry the vision of God's will into all my activities. Now I get a prayer. How can I best serve thee that I will not mine be done? there is a difference between God's will and the vision of God's will we all know God's will don't lie don't cheat don't steal have to treat people with respect be kind courteous all the Boy Scouts stuff we know God's will there's a huge difference between God's will and the vision of God God's will for us so what is the instruction in the book here's what it is if I have to be at appointment A at 9 o'clock I say a prayer before I go in there God how may I best serve thee let thy will not mine be done and then I got another appointment at 1030 and before I go into the appointment at 1030 I say a prayer God how may i best serve you let thy will not mind be done it says before I begin all my activities so as I move from one activity to another I say apart goes on to say these are thoughts which must go with me constantly I can exercise my willpower along this line all I wish it is the proper use of the will. Look what the Ten Steps are telling us. Sanity has been restored. I've been given the miracle to change the attitude toward alcohol. No thought or effort on my part. The problem's been removed. It doesn't exist. I'm given a warning about staying in fit spiritual condition. I'm giving a tool to stay in fit spirit. And now it's telling me I can trust my will because it's aligned with God. Look at what the first and second step told us. Do you see the movement that's happened from the first step to where we are right now as a result of this process? These things we call the steps done out of the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous. Next paragraph's got some interesting things in it. Much has already been said about receiving strength, inspiration and direction from him who has all knowledge and power. We want to try a little exercise sometime. If the books say much has already been said about receiving strength inspiration and direction from him who has all knowledge and power you've got a little free time nothing to do go back through your book and highlight everything where the book tells you how to get strength inspiration and direction from him who has all knowledge and power now another little warning if i carefully followed directions i have begun to sense the flow of the spirit into us remember i said we must gain access to god and then come to believe the book time and time again talks about the power of god flowing into me to some extent i become god conscious i have begun to develop this vital sixth sense now i want you to think about something we all know what the first major five senses are, don't we? Seeing, hearing, taste, touch, smell. Is it possible the book is suggesting to me that I can take the world of the spirit, my conscious relationship with God, and it can now be a sixth sense that I could use in this world just like sight? Absolutely. That's exactly what it means. My relationship with God the power, the peace, the sense of direction and happiness now becomes a sixth sensed to me just like vision, just like hearing, just like taste, just like touch. And do you know what I found? My ego takes my God-given senses like sight and uses them to separate me from you. It does stuff like this, hearing. I go into meetings of AA and I hear middle-of-the-road solution. You know what my keen alcoholic mind says? Don't want to talk to that person, they're full of shit. What did I just do? I just separated myself from somebody that I could maybe be helpful to. Here's what I found. When I'm in touch with my sixth sense, it controls all my others. And now I can use them like God intended me to use them. Everything in my life is a direct offshoot as a result of living in the world of the Spirit, my personal relationship with God. Now I can make better use of hearing, seeing, touch, smell, taste. Wow. And what do we hear in AA about the tenth step? Well, the tenth steps about continuing to take first laboratory and making amends. Give me a break. The tenth step is about entering the world of the Spirit and growing in understanding and affecting us about what it's like to operate in the world of the spirit, bring it down here to move out there. That's what the tenth step is about. You see what I said about I can't imagine making amends without using the tools of the world of the spiritual world to do that with? Imagine taking your relationship with God and all the tools in the tenth step and going making amens. Do you think making aments is any big deal? No, it's not any big deal. My relationship with God can become a sixth sense that controls all their senses and from the time I get up to the time I go to bed allow me to operate in that world out there and demonstrate the two things that Dr. Bob said this whole deal is about. And every other spiritual book says, love and service. Tenth step is just a little bit more than continuing to take personal inventory. How free you want to get. Told a friend of this the other day, what you all call I think the real world for the most part is an illusion to me anymore. For me, the real world is the world of the spirit. The book told us this when we agnostic that this world that we call the real world is an illusion. We look at a table and say it's a table. No, it's not. It's a mass of electrons. Is it possible to take the world of the Spirit and have it dominate everything that I do? All my personal relationships, my career, my physical health, everything. Yeah, I believe that's possible. And is it possible and everything is in fact an offshoot of that part of me, my spiritual being. My experiences and a lot of people like me say, yeah, that's where it's all at today. That's why in the world of the Spirit it don't make sense the problem's out here and I tell people go over here and they look at me like I'm nuts. I got a guy I'm doing some work with. He comes to me. He's got all kinds of problems in many different areas. All of them sitting right out here. Job, relationships, all kinds. I said good, we're going to go over there and work the steps. He looks at me as if I'm crazy. The world of the Spirit is not a theory. I have to live it. I go over here and work in my right relationship with God and all of a sudden, all this takes care of itself. Wow, that's interesting. Step 11. Suggest prayer and meditation. If you don't know the difference, take a dictionary and look up what prayer is and lookup what meditation is. They are not the same. We should not be shy in this matter of prayer. Better men than we are using prayer constantly. Prayer works if we have the proper attitude and work at prayer. Now, that's interesting. It says prayer will work if I have the proper attitude. Well, don't you think it's important to know what the proper attitude is? I know all kinds of people who have been in AA for years not once asked themselves the question, You know what? I wonder what the hell the book means when it says the proper attitude. So I went and asked several people. They all told me the same thing. It's that attitude on page 55 that I sweep aside prejudice think honestly and search deep within me. Remember, it says with this attitude I cannot fail. That's the attitude. See, God's world is limitless. Mine is very limited. If I close my mind, if I bring prejudice into anything I'm doing, including prayer and meditation, I just block myself off. And it also uses three words drunks hate. Work at it. I tricked the people in my home group when they asked me to chair a meeting. Here's how I tricked them. First question. Are we all in agreement that we are sober today as a result of a relationship with a loving God as we understand it? Absolutely, Mark. Couldn't be wrong. Oh, you're right on that one, buddy. And are we pretty much in agreement that every other relationship and everything else we do stems from that relationship? Yeah, we all agree with that, Mark Good. Then here's my third question. How much time do you spend in the morning in that relationship with your loving Father? Who would like to volunteer to speak? Nobody. But then we went around and I heard a little honesty 10 minutes that person later revised it to 3 I'll submit something to you because I just went through this exercise with a good friend he was struggling in some areas basically the spirituality was taking root in him and I asked him how much he was doing a prayer of meditation he initially says I'm busy, I gotta go I'll come back later came back and said while I get in the shower say hi to God and hop my car I said I'll tell you what you try this for 5 days if it doesn't work don't do it anymore You spend 15 minutes to a half hour of prayer and meditation developing that relationship with God. He did, half hour, five days. Everything changed overnight. Why? The book tells me why. Because in prayer and mediation I begin to understand what it's like to operate in the world of the Spirit and operate in God's kingdom and gain access to my loving Father. And he begins to empower me and he begins To give me ideas and he Begins to get rid of the selfishness. If I'm spending five or ten minutes in meditation, that's what I'm taking out in the world all day. And by 10 o'clock, we're crazy. Right? I heard this about, well, I could start my day over at any time. That's true. Why don't you just start it in the morning? Lay your foundation. It's not necessary. How does it go sometimes? Let's see. Am I too busy? You just don't understand? Well, I don't know. Think about how much time you're spending in the money in that relationship with God And if your experience is like mine, which is my entire world as I know it, is derived from that relationship, consider the idea of spending a little more time with Him in the morning and I will guarantee you awesome results during the day. Try it. Test it. If it doesn't work, call me a bitch at me. Now, I want to skip this paragraph about retired night and I wantto start with upon awakening. When I get up in the mornin', I begin when I'm going through the work with a set-aside prayer, I do a third step prayer and a seventh step prayer and then I open my book to page 86 and I go through these instructions and I say every prayer that this asked me to pray and then I go back and I read all of the tenth step and I pick up all the tools available to me from the world of the spirit then I spend time just praying for people and then I take a period of time in meditation and my goal in the period of meditation is to get quiet and just feel and experience the presence of God so Let's look at what it tells me. On awakening, let us think about the 24 hours ahead. We consider our plans for the day. Circle the word think and circle the word consider because they are different. I'm going to show you how to take the work you do when we retire at night into your meditation when we get up in the morning. There's a difference between thinking about the24 hours ahead and then considering the plans forthe day. In thinking, when I've done my nightly review, if there's some stuff I've got to clean up, Plus, I answer some questions of what God wants me to be. So when I think about the day, I think, God, what do you want me to do? What is your vision for me in all my areas? Then I consider my plans, meaning I've got to be here at 9, here at 10.30, here at 12, here at 1. Before I begin, meaning before I begin my day, here's my first prayer. I ask God to direct my thinking and I especially ask my thinking to be divorced from self-pity, dishonest, or self-seeking motives. now look at the promise under these conditions meaning having asked God in this prayer I can employ my mental faculties with assurance for after all God gave me brains to use my thought life will be placed on a much higher plane when my thinking is clear to wrong motives now I get another prayer in thinking about my day I may face indecision I may not be able to determine which course to take so in my morning meditation if there's some things that need to make a decision I'm now given another prayer. Here I ask God for inspiration, an intuitive thought, or a decision. And then I relax and take it easy. I don't struggle. I'm often surprised how the right answers come after I've tried this for a while. What used to be a hunch or the occasional inspiration gradually becomes a working part of the mind. Being still inexperienced and having just made conscious contact with God, it is not probable that I'm going to be inspired at all times. Some of us who have been around AA have suffered from this next one. I might pay for this presumption and all sorts of absurd actions and ideas. I absolutely know God wants me to marry this woman I met two days ago. He spoke very clearly to me. It says, Nevertheless, I find my thinking will, as time passes, be more and more in the plane of inspiration I come to rely upon. Now I'm going to be given some more prayers. I usually conclude the period of meditation with a prayer that I be shown all through the day what my next step is to be that I be given whatever I need to take care of such problems. Another prayer, I ask especially for freedom from self-will and I'm careful to make no request for myself only. It says I may ask for myself however if others will be helped. I had to have an elder explain that to me. Here's what it means. Mark, if you're real judgmental you can't help others. So in your prayer, ask God to remove that part of you so that you can help people that day. That's what it means. I can ask for myself if others will be helped. If I'm being judgmental, I can't help you. If I am in fear, I cannot help you, so I look at any areas, anything going on with me that prevents me from being of help to you, and I ask God to remove that. It says I'm careful never to pray for my own selfish sins. Many of us waste a lot of time doing that. It doesn't work. You can see why. If circumstances weren't, I ask wives or friends to join us in morning meditation. For some of us, the word wives is appropriate here. If I belong to a religious denomination which requires a definite morning devotion, I tend to that also. If not members of religious bodies, we sometimes select and memorize a few set prayers which emphasize the principles that we have been discussing. There are many helpful books also. Suggestions about these may be obtained from one's priest, minister, or rabbi. Be quick to see where religious people are right. Let me read that again. Be quick to see where religious people are right. Make use of what they offer. Now I'm going to be given some more spiritual tools. As I go through the day, I pause when agitated or doubtful. Those are fairly constant states for alcoholics and addicts, by the way. And I ask God for the right thought or action. How many of you in here have ever asked God for a right thought? Not action, the right thoughts. Some of you have. I constantly remind myself I'm no longer running the show, humbly saying to myself many times each day that I will be done. That's another spiritual exercise to use all through the day. Here's a promise if I do this stuff. And they use an interesting word. They use the word danger. It says, I'm then in much less danger of excitement. Think about that. Excitement is dangerous for an alcoholic and an addict. It's dangerous for us. It says I'm there in much lesser danger of excitement fear, anger, worry, self-pity, or foolish decisions, I become much more efficient. I do not tire so easily, for I'm not burning up energy as foolishly as I did when I was trying to arrange life to suit me. This next paragraph. It works. It really does. I am undisciplined, so I let God discipline me in the simple way we just outlined. Now, turn back to page 86. We get an exercise for when we retire at night. Here's what it says. When I retire at night, I constructively review my day. Now I'm going to go through a series of questions. Was I resentful, selfish, dishonest, or afraid today? My answer for all four of this every day since I first did this work is yes. Do I owe an apology? Sometimes I do, sometimes I don't. Have I kept something to myself which should be discussed with another person at once? And I look at that. Was I kind and loving toward all? Uh-oh. Uh-uh. I didn't do very well there. And I loved it. Was I kind and loving toward all? The little gal at the checkout counter that's got a stream full of people wading through. The gas station attendant. The lady at the dry cleaners. Was I kind and loving toward all? What could I have done better? Well, I spent three minutes in prayer and meditation. I think if I had maybe spent a little more time like that crazy mark talked about what could i have done better today was i thinking of myself most the time i tell the client says if there was a device that measured how often you and i think of ourselves and we woke up at eight the thing would blow up by nine we are so turned inward it's absolutely incredible was i speaking of myself most of the time yeah i did a lot of that today or was I thinking of what I could do for others of what i could pack into the stream of life let me explain what happened in the process of doing this work there was a time when my life was fragmented meaning i get up in the morning and i had that life and then i go to work and i have that life and then I had AA and I had that light today I'm involved in the stream of life I can't tell whether I'm an AA or out in the world why? because I operate in the spirit all the time and it's all the same today when I'm in recovery I'm also in the fellowship and service. When I'm working with someone else, I'm in recovery and in the fellowship. Today, I'm involved in the stream of life. It is one continuing process based on operating from the world of the Spirit. My life is not segmented anymore. I don't have AA over here, and my job over here. And my friends over here operate in what's called the stream of life today. It says, but I must be careful not to drift into Now this is interesting. Think about this. I must be careful not to drift into worry, remorse or morbid reflection and then it tells me why think about this the reason we are worried, remorseful or morbide reflection is we're thinking about ourself again and here's what it tells us it says because that diminishes my usefulness to others when you walk around being worried you are not available to help anyone else God never intended for you and I to worry you worry because you're operating on self-reliance when you operate on God's reliance You never have to worry. You're available always to help your fellow traveler on the path. The book says, Mark, don't drift into weary remorse or morbid reflection because if you do, you can't be useful and helpful. After making my nightly review, I ask God's forgiveness and I inquire what corrective measures should be taken. When I get up in the morning, I've asked him the night before what correctative measures to take. That flows me right into my tenth step. when I think about my plans for the day. Well, the day before, I was real short with two people and I want to go make amends to them a day. You see how it flows? I take my night of review, get up in the morning and I let the information that I got from that night of view take me into this day. I operate in the world today in steps 10 and 11 based on the power given in steps 1 through 9. That's another reason I go back through the work. I can't imagine operating in 1994 based on the truth I saw in 93. I do steps 1 through 9 based on The Power Given to Me in steps 10 and 11. I make my amends based on Thou The Power Given to me in steps 10 and 12. I'm able to be of service to others based on operating in 10 and 13. 10 and 14 are two of the most powerful steps this whole program gives me, one for operating in the world of the Spirit. Let that now be a sixth sense that I can take out here in the eleventh step for that relationship with God. Chapter 7, Working with Others I said before, and this is my opinion that virtually every problem in Alcoholics Anonymous to date could be solved by good sponsorship They devote a whole chapter in working with others and I suspect that we're going to smash some middle-of-the-road stuff about working with other people I have the kind of sponsor who is a world trustee in Alcoholic Anonymous He talked to me much more than I cared to hear for a long time about the traditions. And I was talking with Tom, and he talked to be about the world concepts, and that stuff is still foreign and Greek to me. But he was involved in all three parts of the program. That's the path that God took him down. He's the one who shared all of his experience with me, gave me the tools necessary so when I sponsor someone else. I have a home group. I support that home group。 I show up at all the group consciousnesses when I'm in town. I support that home group financially. I'm there to help newcomers when they come to that home group. Why? Because my sponsor pointed out to me that that was a responsibility that I had. I'm here to defend the traditions of Alcoholics Anonymous until they put dirt on me. You come to a closed meeting that I'm attending and don't introduce yourself as an alcoholic or at least a desire to quit drinking, I'll ask you to leave. Why? Cause that's the way he set up. That's why. Singleness of purpose. I totally embrace and support the traditions in this program. That came to me through sponsorship. So, working with others. Practical experience shows nothing so much will ensure immunity from drinking as intensive work with other alcoholics. The word intensive is kind of interesting to look at. It says it works when other activities fail. This is our twelfth suggestion. Carry this. Highlight the word this. carry this message to other alcoholics please do not carry your message on any given day your message is like mine it's selected parts of the big book some of the bible some different books of philosophy a little of grapevine and a whole bunch of my opinion none of which will keep any of you sober carry this message to other alcoholics that's why you see me and people I do work with carry this book with us to meetings of Alcoholics Anonymous. Because if I get a chance to work with a newcomer and they ask me questions, I'm going to go into this book so that what they hear, they see comes out of this book, not just out of my mouth. Remember the foreword of the first edition? To show other alcoholics precisely how we have recovered. I'll sit and talk to a new man, a new woman, and I'll field questions and I will keep going to this book time and time again. So our responsibility is to carry this message to other alcoholists. You can help when no one else can. You can secure their confidence when others fail. Remember, they're very ill. And I love this next paragraph. Life will take on new meaning. To watch people recover, to see them help others, to watch loneliness vanish, to see a fellowship grow up around you, to have a host of friends, this is an experience you must not miss. I absolutely love that sentence and it has been my experience. I was telling a friend of mine, there's several of you in here that I was given a chance to carry this message to, a message you'd never heard before, never been able to stay sober before or dying of untreated alcoholism. And I look at you now and I look into your lives and the difference is absolutely incredible. That's the payoff for me. One drunk working with another drunk and watching that drunk's life change, watching God operate in that individual's life. That's a grace tie in the world. That's what the whole deal is all about for me I wish to God we'd never have to do another workshop anywhere. I wish we could walk into meetings of AA everywhere across the United States and the world and if you were new, hear the common solution in which we could absolutely agree so we wouldn't have to do these anymore and maybe we could get a recovery rate of 75% like it used to be but we can't. Why? Because the message in the fellowship is not the message in the book that's why. So I guess we're just going to keep going to these workshops for a little bit longer until there's more of you out there that are carrying this message and where we can reach a place in time where we don't haveto do them anymore if you've done the work this is the promises you get life takes on new meaning you'll watch people recover you'll see them help others you'll have a host of friends this is an experience you must not miss we know you will not want to miss it frequent contact with newcomers and with each other is the bright spot of our lives perhaps you're not acquainted with any drinkers who want to recover you can easily find some by asking a few doctors, ministers, priests or hospitals. They'll be only too glad to have assist you. Do not start out as an evangelist or a reformer. Unfortunately, a lot of prejudice exists. You'll be handicapped if you arouse it. Ministers and doctors are competent and you can learn much from them if you wish. But it happens that because of your own drinking experience you can be uniquely useful to other alcoholics so cooperate never criticize to be helpful is our only aim. Now we're going to get a lot instructions and working with new people. Here's the first one. When you discover a prospect for Alcoholics Anonymous, find out all you can about him. I go to meetings. You know what I hear from the chairperson? If you've got less than 90 days, we don't want to hear anything he's got to say. How in hell do I find out anything about him? Book says, Mark, you need to find out everything you can about this man or woman if you're going to help him. What are we doing telling newcomers you ain't got nothing to say? I don't understand that. Do you understand that? I don't. Gee, I wonder if that's a little bit about our pompous alcoholic egos. I don' t know. I just know what the book says. If he doesn' t want to stop drinking, don' T waste time trying to persuade him. That' s an instruction. You may spoil a later opportunity. You know, I was talking with Joe about this. We work our butts off with drunks sometimes, right? And we work and work and worked and worked hours and hours and months and hell, sometimes years. and then go back out in a simple case of beer does what 9,000 hours working with me could never do. That's what I think the book's trying to say. If he doesn't want to stop drinking do not waste time trying to persuade him. If there's any indication he wants to stop have a good talk with the person most interested in him usually his wife. Get an idea of his behavior his problems his backgrounds the seriousness of his condition and his religious leanings. Basically find out everything you can about him. You need this information to put yourself in his place to see how you would like him to approach you if the tables were turned. I need this information to determine how to talk to a new man and a new woman. That's why it's asking me. Find out all you can. I'll give an example. If I'm dealing with somebody who's been to treatment 15 times, had a lot of periods of sobriety in and out of A, I can assure you what they hear from me is going to be a lot different from the first time the guy's ever walked into an AA meeting in his life. It's going to be much different. That's why I think it's telling me find out all I can put myself in his place. Sometimes it's wise to wait until he goes on a binge. The family may object to this but unless he's in a dangerous physical condition it's better to risk it. Don't deal with him when he's very drunk unless he is ugly and the family needs your help. Wait for the end of a spree or at least for a lucid interval. Then, look at this question. Then let his family or friend ask him, do you want to quit for good and will you go to any extreme to do so? That's a question I ask people who want to do the work with me. Do you want it quick for good and are you willing to go to the extreme to do so. I'll give you an exercise I do. It'll save you a lot of time. Separate the wheat from the jack. Someone comes up and says, Mark would you do the word with me? Well, I don't know. Let me give you a little exercise. Here's the exercise. Go out and buy a new big book. Read the first 164 pages. Answer these four questions in writing. When you're done, call me. First question, is this work what you want to do? Second question, why do you want to do this work? Third question, are you willing to go to any length? Fourth question, what areas are you being dishonest with yourself and others? Here's the good news about that exercise. Ten people ask you to do the work with them. At best, two will call you. They will not be the two who you wish would call you They will be the helpless, hopeless, burned-out alcoholic who needs power. That is not the one who wanted to call you, the one driving the Jag with a nice watch. It's the guy who's got his toes sticking out of his shoes, can't talk and smells like hell. But he needs this. He needs power You do that exercise it'll save you tremendous time. Now you're going to see where that exercise comes. that comes out of this book. The book's going to tell you on the first visit give the guy a book ask him to read it. Go back in on the second time and ask him are you ready to go through with the 12 steps? But when I went to that exercise it saved a lot of time. Now, let's keep going. If he says yes meaning he wants to quit for good and he's willing to go to any extreme to do so then his attention should be drawn to you as a person who has recovered. Geez, there's that word again. You should be described to him as one of a fellowship who, as part of their own recovery, try to help others and who will be glad to talk to him if he cares to see you. If he doesn't want to see you, never force yourself upon him. I've never understood sponsors who call their protégés all the time. What's it say? If he doesn't wanna see you, ever force yourself upon him? I would like to tell you that Don cared for me so much he called me with a lot of frequency but that would be a lie. He never called me. You know why? He knew what he had to do to stay sober He knew I needed to learn how to do that. It's not that he loved me, it's because he did love me. He did two things with me all the time. He talked about God all the times and he took me into this book. That's what he did. He made real sure that my dependency was not upon him, that it was upon God and these spiritual exercises are outlined in this book It says neither should the family hysterically plead with him to do anything nor should they tell him much about you They should wait for the end of his next drinking bout You might place this book where He can see it in the interval. I've always enjoyed that visual, right? You sneak a book into the drug's house, right, he comes home, he's loaded. Oh, geez, another big book, right. Slams the thing to the side. It keeps showing up on the counter. It says here no specific rule can be given. The family must decide these things but urge them not to be over-anxious for that might spoil matters. Usually the family should not try to tell your story. When possible, avoid meeting a man through his family. Approach through a doctor or institutions of better bet. If your man needs hospitalization, he should have it, but not forcibly unless he's violent. Let the doctor, if he will, tell him he has something in the way of a solution. When your man is better, the doctor might suggest a visit from you. Though you have talked with the family, leave them out of the first discussion. Under these conditions, your prospect will see he's under no pressure. He will feel he can deal with you without being nagged by his family. Call on him while he's still jittery. See again this program. In the chapter 2 of the wise, they list four categories of alcoholics. You know who has the best chance? The drunk who's number 4. He's the one that's locked up in institutions and he's been committed. In this program, the more helpless and hopeless you are when you come in, the better chance you got. It's another paradox. So, see your man alone if possible and first engage in general conversation. After a while, turn the talk to some phase of drinking. Tell him enough about your drinking habits, symptoms, and experiences to encourage him to speak of himself. If he wishes to talk, let him do so. You will thus get a better idea how you ought to proceed. If he is not communicated, give him a sketch of your drinking career up to the time you quit. But say nothing for the moment of how that was accomplished. See what we're doing now as we're talking about the hopelessness of our disease and how we drink. If he's in a serious mood, dwell on the troubles liquor has caused you being careful not to moralize your lecture. If his mood is light, tell him humorous stories of your escapades. get him to tell some of his when he sees you know all about the drinking game commence to describe yourself as an alcoholic tell him how baffled you were how you finally learned you were sick give him an account of the struggles you made to stop show him the mental twist which leads to the first drink of a spree we suggest you do this as we've done it in the chapter on alcoholism if he is alcoholic he will understand you at once he will match your mental inconsistencies with some of His own if you are satisfied he's a real alcoholic begin to dwell on the hopeless feature of the malady show him from your own experience how the queer mental condition surrounding that first drink prevents normal functioning of the willpower don't at this stage refer to this book unless he has seen it and he wishes to discuss it and be careful not to brand him an alcoholic let him draw his own conclusion if he sticks to the idea he can still control his drinking tell him possibly he can if he's not too alcoholic but insist if he is severely afflicted there may be little chance he can recover by himself. Continue to speak of alcoholism as an illness, a fatal malady. Talk about the conditions of body and mind which accompany it. Keep his attention focused mainly on your personal experience. Explain many are doomed who never realize their predicament. Doctors will rightly loathe to tell alcoholic patients the whole story unless it will serve some good purpose. But you may talk to him about the hopelessness of alcoholismo because you offer his solution. you will soon have your friend admitting he has many if not all the traits of the alcoholic if his own doctor is willing to tell him he's an alcoholic so much the better now the next sentence is the only time in the book I find a word used to describe people I do the work with and it's not pigeon and it' s not baby and it''s not that other crap I hear in AA that I believe is demeaning here''s the word even though your protege isn't that sweet even though your protege may not have entirely admitted his condition he has become very curious to know how you got well let him ask you that question if he will uh oh squiggly lines tell him exactly what happened to you stress the spiritual feature freely make it empathetic he doesn't have to agree with your concept of God he can choose any concept he likes provided it makes sense to him the main thing is is that he'd be willing to believe in a power greater than himself, and that he lived by spiritual principles. Now I hear an AA, oh let's not talk about God, we might drive the newcomer off. Where is that coming from? This is pretty black and white, isn't it? About what I need to talk about. The main thing is that I tell the new guy he'd be willing to believe in a power greater than himself and he'd live by spiritual principles When dealing with such a person you better use everyday language to describe spiritual principles There's no use arousing any prejudice he may have against certain theological terms and conceptions about which he may already be confused. Don't raise such issues no matter what your own convictions are. Next paragraph is interesting. Your prospect may belong to a religious denomination. His religious education and training may be far superior to yours. In that case, he's going to wonder how you can add anything to what he already knows. But he will be curious to learn why his own convictions have not worked and why yours seem to work so well. He may be an example of the truth that faith alone is insufficient. To be vital, faith must be accompanied by self-sacrifice and unselfish constructive action. Let him see you are not there to instruct him in religion. Admit that he probably knows more about it than you do. But call to his attention the fact that whatever deepest faith and knowledge he could not have applied or he would not drink. I've done the work with many men in AA who know a lot more about religion and the Bible than I ever thought of knowing. But I ask them a simple question. That's real neat that you know all that. When was the last time you got drunk or loaded? Well, two nights ago. Well, is it doing you much good? No. It's not. This is where the book talks to me about having to deal with that man or that woman because they've got a ton of prejudice. They know more about God. They're educated about God far beyond their capacity to understand any of. And it's not working for them. The book says, call to his attention the fact however deep his faith and knowledge he could not have applied it or he would not drink. What good is faith and knowledgings if I'm doing dope and drinking alcohol? I don't think it's any good. It's like I quote the Bible all over the page and I shoot dope in my arm. Do you want what I have? I don' t think so. See what I'm saying? It says, perhaps your story will help him see he's failed to practice the very precepts he knows so well. We represent no particular faith or denomination. We're dealing only with general principles common to most denominations. Outline the program of action. Explain how you made a self-appraisal, how you straightened out your past, that's amends, and why you're now endeavoring to be helpful to him. It is important for him to realize your attempt to pass this on to him plays a vital part in your own recovery. Actually, he may be helping you more than you are helping him. Make it plain that he is under no obligation to you that you hope only he will try to help other alcoholics when he escapes his own difficulties. Suggest how important it is he place the welfare of other people ahead of his own. Make it clear he's not under pressure that he needn't see you again if he doesn't want to. You should not be offended if he wants to call off for he's helped you more than he's ever helped you. More than you've helped him. If your talk has been sane, quiet, and full of human understanding, you perhaps made a friend. Maybe you disturbed him about the question of alcoholism. That is all to the good. The more hopeless he feels, the better. Another paradox, right? He'll be more likely to follow your suggestions. Your candidate may give reasons why he need not follow all the program. He may rebel at the thought of a drastic housecleaning, which requires discussion with other people. Do not counterdict such views. Tell him you once felt as he did, but you doubt whether you would have made much progress had you not taken action. On your first visit, tell him about the Fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous. If he shows interest, lend him your copy of this book. Unless your friend wants to talk further about himself, don't worry, you're welcome. Give him a chance to think it over. If you do stay, let him steer the conversation in any direction he likes. Sometimes a new man is anxious to proceed at once and you may be tempted to let him do so. This is sometimes a mistake If he has trouble later, he'll likely say you rushed him. You will be most successful with alcoholics if you do not exhibit any passion for crusader reform. Never talk down to an alcoholic from any moral or spiritual hilltop. Simply lay out the kit of spiritual tools for his inspection. That's the 12 steps. Highlight the next sentence. Show him how they work with you. Second time the book says I'm here to show you. Offer him friendship and fellowship. Tell him if he wants to get well, you'll do anything to help. If he is not interested in your solution, if he expects you to act only as a banker for his financial difficulties or a nurse for his sprees, you may have to drop him until he changes his mind. This he may do after he gets hurt some more. If he sincerely wants to see you again, ask him to read this book in the interval. Remember the first instruction? Have him buy a new book and read the 164 pages. after doing that he must decide for himself whether he wants to go on he should not be pushed apart by you his wife or friends if he is to find God the desire must come from within if he thinks he can do the job in some other way or prefer some other spiritual approach encourage him to follow his own conscience we have no monopoly on God we merely have an approach that works with us but point out we alcoholics have much in common and you would like in any case to be friendly let it go at that page 96 do not be discouraged if your prospect does not respond at once search out another alcoholic and try again you are sure to find someone desperate enough to accept with eagerness what you offer we find it a waste of time to keep chasing a man who cannot or will not work with you if you leave such a person alone he may soon become convinced he cannot recover by himself to spend too much time in any one situation is to deny some other alcoholic an opportunity to live and to be happy to live and to be happy to live and to being happy one of our fellowship failed entirely with his first half dozen prospects he often says if he had continued to work on them he might have deprived many others who have since recovered of their chance next paragraph says suppose now Mark you're making your second visit to a man, he's read this volume and says he is prepared to go through the twelve steps of the program recovery second visit to a man having had the practical experience yourself you can give him much practical advice let him know you're available if he wishes to make a decision and tell his story but do not insist upon it if he prefers to consult someone else he may be broke or homeless if he is, you might try to help him by getting a job or give him a little financial assistance but you should not deprive your family or creditors of money they should have perhaps you want to take the man into your home for a few days but be sure to use discretion Be certain he will be welcomed by your family. Honey, I'd like to bring this guy that's got puke all over him home for a couple of days. Be certain He'll be welcomed by your families and He's not trying to impose upon you for money, connections or shelter. Permit that and you'll only harm Him. You'll be making it possible for Him to be insincere. You may be aiding in His destruction rather than in His recovery. Never avoid these responsibilities but be sure you're doing the right thing if you assume them. Helping others is the foundation stone of your recovery. That's an important sentence. A kindly act once in a while isn't enough. You have to act a good Samaritan every day if need be. It may mean the loss of many nights sleep, great interference with your pleasures, interruptions to your business. It may means sharing your money in your home, counseling frantic wives and relatives, innumerable trips to police courts, sanitariums, hospitals, jails, and asylums. Your telephone may jangle any time of the day or night. Your wife may sometimes say she is neglected. A drunk may smash the furniture in your home or burn a mattress. You may have to fight with him if he's violent. Sometimes you'll have to call a doctor and administer sedatives under the doctor's direction. Another time, you may have send for the police or an ambulance. On occasion, you're going to have to meet such conditions. We seldom allow an alcoholic to live in our homes for long at a time. It is not good for him, and it sometimes creates serious complications in a family. Though an alcoholic does not respond, there's no reason why you should neglect his family. You should continue to be friendly to them. The family should be offered your way of life. Should they accept and practice spiritual principles, there is a much better chance the head of the family will recover. And even though he continues to drink, the family Will find life more bearable. For the type of alcoholic who is able and willing to get well, little charity in the ordinary sense of the word is needed or wanted the men who cry for money and shelter before conking alcohol on the wrong track yet we do go to great esteems to provide each other with these very things when such action warranted this may seem inconsistent but we think it is not then the next paragraph it's not the matter of giving it's a question of when and how to give that often makes the difference between failure and success the minute we put our work on a service plane the alcoholic commences to rely upon our assistance rather than upon God. He clamors for this or that, claiming he cannot master alcohol until his material needs are cared for. Nonsense! Some of us have taken very hard knocks to learn this truth. Job or no job, wife or no wife, we simply do not stop drinking so long as we place dependence upon other people ahead of dependence on God. Burn! I love this. Burn the idea That's a great visual, right? Burn the idea into the consciousness that every man can get well regardless of anyone. The only condition is he trusts in God and clean house. That sentence sums up the 12 steps, doesn't it? Now the domestic problem. There may be divorce, separation, or just strained relations. When your prospect has made such reparations as he can to his family and has thoroughly explained to them the new principles by which he's living, he should proceed to put these principles into action at home. That is, if he's lucky enough to have a home. Though his family be at fault in many respects, he should not be concerned about that. He should concentrate on his own spiritual demonstration. This next sentence is powerful. Argument and fault finding are to be avoided like the plague. In many homes this is a difficult thing to do, but it must be done if any results are to being expected. It persisted in for a few months to the effect on a man's family sure to be great. The most incompatible people discover they can have a basis upon which they can meet and little by little the family may see their own defects and admit them. These can then be discussed in an atmosphere of helpfulness and friendliness. After they've seen tangible results, the family will perhaps want to go along. These things will come to pass naturally in good time provided, however, listen to this, the alcoholic continues to demonstrate he can be sober, considerate, and helpful regardless of what anyone says or does. Huh. Of course, we all fall much below this standard many times. but we must try to repair the damage immediately lest we pay the penalty by a spree. If there be divorce or separation, there should be no undue haste for the couple to get together. The man should be sure of his recovery. The wife should fully understand his new way of life. If their old relationship is to be resumed, it must be on a better basis since the former did not work. This means a new attitude and spirit all around. Sometimes it is to the best interest of all concerned that a couple remain apart. Obviously, no rule can be laid down. Let the alcoholic continue his program day by day. When the time for living together has come, it will be apparent to both parties. Let no alcoholic say he cannot recover unless he has his family back. That just isn't so. In some cases, the wife will never come back for one reason or another. Remind the prospect his recovery is not dependent upon people. It is dependent upon his relationship with God. that is what my recovery has always depended on we've seen men who get well whose families have not returned at all we've see another slip when the family came back too soon I love the next paragraph both you and the new man must walk day by day in the path of spiritual progress if you persist meaning the path of spiritual progress remarkable things will follow When we look back, we realize that things which came to us when we put ourselves in God's hands were better than anything we could have planned. When we put our lives in God'S hands, the things which come to us are better than any thing we could've planned. I don't know about the rest of you, but most of my wants damn near killed me. God's never given anything to me that wasn't wonderful. My wants have almost killed me I reached a place where I began to understand what was said to me many years ago. Mark, anything God has in store for you is better than anything you've got in store for you. Yeah, that makes sense. Follow the dictates of a higher power and you will presently live in a new and wonderful world. It's the world of the Spirit, folks. A new and wonderful world, no matter what your present circumstances. You mean I can be poor and live in a new and wonderful world? You mean I can be single and live en a new an wonderful world? You mean, I can have a physical handicap and live an a new wonderful world? Yeah. When working with a man in his family, you should take care not to participate in the quarrels. You may spoil your chance of being helpful if you do. But urge upon a man's family he has been a very sick person and he should be treated accordingly. You should warn against arousing resentment or jealousy. You should point out his defects of character are not going to disappear overnight. Show them he's entered upon a period of growth. Ask them to remember when they are impatient the blessed fact of his sobriety. Here's a tool. If you've been successful in solving your own domestic problems, tell a newcomer's family how that was accomplished. Some of you are in relationships. There's some great tapes sitting on that table that'll tell you how to take spiritual principles into relationships. If you're in a relationship and that's a struggle, go take a look at some of those. In this way, you're going to set them on the right track without being critical of them. The story of how you and your wife settled your difficulties is worth any amount of criticism. Assuming we're spiritually fit, we can do all sorts of things that alcoholics are not supposed to do. People have said we must not go where liquor is served. We must not have in their homes. We must shun friends who drink. We must avoid movie pictures which show drinking scenes. We must not go into bars. Our friends must hide their bottles. If we go into their houses, we mustn't think or be reminded about alcohol at all. Well, our experience shows us this is not necessarily so. We meet these conditions every day. An alcoholic who cannot meet them still has an alcoholic mind. There's something the matter with his spiritual status. His only chance for sobriety would be someplace like the Greenland ice cap and even there in Eskimo would turn up with a bottle of scotch and ruin everything. ask any woman who sent her husband to distant places in the theory he would escape the alcohol problem in our belief any scheme of combating alcoholism which proposes to shield a sick man from temptation is doomed to failure if the alcoholic tries to shield himself he may succeed for a time but he usually winds up with a bigger explosion than ever we've tried these methods these attempts to do the impossible have always failed so our rule is not to avoid a place where there's drinking if we have a legitimate reason for being there. That includes bars, nightclubs, dances, receptions, weddings, even plain ordinary whoopee parties. To a person who has had experience with an alcoholic, this may seem like tempting providence, but it isn't. You will note we made an important qualification. Therefore, ask yourself on each occasion, have I any good social business or personal reason for going to this place or am I expecting to see a little vicarious pleasure from the atmosphere of this place? If you answer these questions satisfactorily, you need have no apprehension. Go or stay away, whatever seems best. But be sure you're on solid spiritual ground before you start and that your motive in going is thoroughly good. Do not think of what you will get out of the occasion. Think of whatyou can bring to it. But if you're shaky, you'd better work with another alcoholic instead. Why sit with a long face in places where there's drinking sighing about the good old days? If it's a happy occasion, try to increase the pleasure of those there. if a business occasion, go and attend your business enthusiastically. If you're with a person who wants to eat in a bar, by all means, go along. Let your friends know that they're not going to change their habits on your account. At a proper time and place, explain to all your friends why alcohol disagrees with you. If you do this thoroughly, a few people will ask you to drink. If you get honest with them what you do when you drink, none of them will ask você de beber. while you were drinking you are withdrawing from life little by little now you're getting back into the social life of this world don't start to withdraw again just because your friends drink liquor your job now is to be at the place where you may be a maximum helpfulness to others so never hesitate to go anywhere if you can be helpful you should not hesitate to visit the most sordid spot on earth in such an errand Keep on the firing line of life with these motives and God will keep you unharmed. Most of us keep liquor in our homes. We often need to carry it to green recruits through a severe hangover. Some of us still serve it to our friends, provided they're not alcoholic. But some of us think we should not serve liquor to anyone. We never argue these questions. We feel each family, in the light of their own circumstances, ought to decide for themselves. We are careful never to show intolerance or hatred of drinking as an institution. Experience shows that such an attitude is not helpful to anyone. Every new alcoholic looks for this spirit among us and is immensely relieved when he finds we are not witch burners. A spirit of intolerance might repel alcoholics whose lives could have been saved had it not been for such stupidity. We would not even do the cause of temperate drinking any good, for not one drinker in a thousand likes to be told anything about alcohol by someone who hates it. Someday we hope that Alcoholics Anonymous will help the public to a better realization of the gravity of the alcoholic problem But we should be of little use if our attitude is one of bitterness or hostility. Drinkers will not stand for it. After all, our problems were of our own making. Bottles were only a symbol. Besides, we had stopped fighting anybody or anything we have to. Now, we have spent a considerable amount of time going through those 12 spiritual exercises called the steps. on your own sometime, make sure you read chapters 8, 9, 10, and 11 to the wives, the family afterwards, employers for you, and a vision for you. Because in those chapters I'm taught how to practice principles in all my affairs. I want to thank you for coming here this weekend and for allowing me a chance to share my experience with these steps and in this book with you all. I'm always grateful for that every time I do this. I guess it just opens me up again once more and I once again see truth at a deeper level. I'll share a few things. Your alcoholic hearing is screwed forever. You're going to go into meetings when you hear middle of the road, you're goingto know it. You now have a responsibility too to carry this message. if you have not done the work in this book find somebody who has done that start the title page and go through and do that I think really what I want to do I want close with the last paragraph on page 164 those of you that have your book this paragraph sums up 163.5 pages of work And I love what it says to me. It says, Abandon yourself to God as you understand God. Admit your faults to Him and to your fellows. Clear away the wreckage of your past. Give freely of what you find and join us. We shall be with you in the fellowship of the Spirit and you will surely meet some of us as you trudge the road to happy destiny. May God bless you and keep you until then. Thank you. Thank you.