Step 4 Inventory and Resentment – Step Study – Part 3 of 3 – Peter M.

Are we all back? We're all back, okay. If we're all black, let's get sober. There's, just to quickly talk about what we're going to be talking about. In the beginning of the chapter, there is a solution. It talks about the solution, interestingly enough. We talked about alcoholism, we talked about what's wrong with us, now they're going to talk about how to get well. It says here that having a feeling of first of all it says we of Alcoholics Anonymous know of thousands of men and women who were once just as hopeless as Bill. And with Bill's story my sponsor says to me with Billís story is if you've got any doubts as to whether you qualify for being an alcoholic or not go through Billís Story and underline everywhere that you thought like Bill and then go back and then underline anywhere that you felt like Bill and then goes back and read it again and underlines everywhere that you drank like Bill or used drugs like Bill now women can do that men can do that a lot of people say we don't like this book because it was written by man no seriously I've had people who don't read this book because it was written by a man and it says he all the way through it talks about male alcoholic all the way through there was only one woman sober at this time when they wrote this there'd been a couple who would come to the rooms and gone out again they weren't even sure whether women could be alcoholics at this time when they wrote this book I mean now we know but anybody can do that looking through Bill's story I've got to identify when I go on a 12-step call I tell I tell I tell them my my story because they need to identify with me because I have an answer and they needto identify withme every one of us that's worked these 12 steps and had the spiritual awakening has the answer so they needt o identify with us I don't tell my story in meetings unless I'm asked to tell mystory in meetings I don' t go and tell anybody I share the solution in meeting. I don't share my story, place my stories on a 12 step call. That's where you need to know how I drank. And it says here that our common peril is one element in the powerful cement which binds us this is the fellowship but that in itself would never have held us together as we are now joined The tremendous fact for every one of us is that we have discovered a common solution that means the same solution we have a way out on which we can absolutely agree is it your experience in Alcoholics Anonymous that we agree with this solution the 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous, the 12 steps, working the 12 steps to have a spiritual awakening that will solve all our problems is that your experience of what happens in contemporary, what I call contemporary Alcoholics Anonymous upon which we can join in brotherly and harmonious action we're not very popular and that's the experience of people who work in the book in the big book Alcoholics Anonymous, that seems to be now I've been sober long enough to have been around when that's happened and at another time in place I can tell you what I think what I thing happened but I'm one of the people that watched it happen and did nothing maybe this is my amends for that this is the great news that this book carries to all those who suffer from alcoholism the great new that this carries is step 12 having had a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps, that's the message there's no other message in Alcoholics Anonymous people there's a great quote it's not mine that says for those folks that are hiding behind the fact that the 12 steps are only suggestions they're the only suggestion we got there is no other suggestions, having had a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps we try to carry this message to alcoholics and to practice these principles in all our affairs just after how it works we read this out at a lot of meetings and I said last night that the way to hide things from folks in Alcoholics Anonymous is either read it out at the beginning of a meeting or put it in the big book because at the begining of a meet nobody's listening to what's being read and it gets to be kind of like a mantra thing, it gets to be oh well there's the opening, ok now we start the meeting and the other thing that I really I've got very very rigid about is that years ago when I first came to Alcoholics Anonymous we actually read from the book what we read at the beginning of the meeting. What a lot of meetings do now for convenience is to print out a sheet, sometimes laminate it and put it on the table there are newcomers in AlcoholicsAnonymous that don't know that how it works comes from the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous. They don't know that it's chapter 5 and that There's four chapters before that that explain what's wrong with you. And it's no good looking at the 12 steps unless you know what's right. What's wrong? What's with you? And it takes it out of the book. When I first came to Alcoholics Anonymous they said you can read anything at the beginning of a meeting as long as it's the first parts of chapter 3, 5 or 11. Now you read the first part of chapter 11. I heard it on my second meeting and it filled me with so much hope that I wanted this. That I wanted these. I wanted what you had anyway, here we go we're going to get sober we've got to make this decision the decision we're making in step 3 is to continue with the program continue with The Steps because I've got no idea what God is but I'm ready, I'm willing to hand my will and my life over to God and it says here and I use these as questions the A's B's and C's A. that we were alcoholic and cannot manage our own am I alcoholic? and can I not manage my own life? step one if I can answer yes I am alcoholic and no I can't manage my life I've done step one B, that probably no human power can have relieved my alcoholism that's step two I can do it the psychiatrist can't do it the doctors can't do it the folks in Alcoholics Anonymous can't even do it my sponsor can't ever even do it but he can show me how to do it step two B is step 2 C that God could and would if he was sought I've got to seek a power that's step 2 too that's steps 2 as well I don't know what that power is yet I just know I need it and then it says there's some requirements before we do this the first requirement is that any life run on self-will can hardly be a success selfishness self-centeredness that is the root of my problem not alcohol selfishness self-centeredness I was playing God I wanted everybody to do what I wanted them to do it says on this basis we're almost always in collision with something or somebody was I? see I was told to make all the statements in here into questions personalize this book any statement in here turn it into a question any question in here with a question mark at the end of the sentence stop don't read anymore until you've answered the question it says here even though our motives were good most people try to live by self-propulsion, everyone is like the actor, now it goes on about saying how we're virtuous sometimes other times we're modest and self-sacrificing that's manipulation we're talking about manipulation here if I'm in self I am going to manipulate and what we're talking about here already, it says here, you see at the top of page 61, it said everybody including himself would be pleased if everybody did what I wanted them to do. And I think you'd be pleased as well if you did what I thought because I've got the best ideas, haven't I? And in trying to make this resurrection actor may be quite virtuous or pretend to be he may be kind and considerate, patient and generous, even modest and self-sacrificing on the other hand, if it doesn't work it can be egotistical, selfish and dishonest. So I'm going to show up in various ways in my life I'm showing up various ways in my knife in order to manipulate you to do what I want you to doing. I'm already talking about character defects here they're already beginning to identify our character defects I can get to the end where I can either be self-pitying victim, you're not doing as I want me to do or I can be angry or I kan be indignant now one of the things that I know about alcoholism is that it looks causal it looks like I drink because of what other people do but it's not here's some questions who in this room drank when they were deeply unhappy a lot of folks are sticking their hands up how many did you drink to celebrate happy, yeah same hands drank when you were in a relationship drank when you were out of a relationship that's the deal, we drink it doesn't matter what other people do, we drank yeah that's part of the powerlessness, we're looking at the powerless self-centered it says here on page 62 and it really does it here, selfishness, self-centerness that we think is the root of our troubles driven when you're driven you're in slavery too driven as being in slavery to being driven by when you're driving a horse under the whip of a hundred forms of fear self delusion self seeking self pity lot of self in there my sponsor says I don't need anything but self including self esteem if you want self esteen do self, do esteemable things. I don't need anything with self in front of it. I start with anything with itself in front of it, I'm in self. Period. It's telling me here that's the root of my trouble. Our troubles we think are basically of our own making. It ain't the alcohol, it's not them, it's me. It's me." Above everything, we must, we alcoholics must get rid of selfishness, we must or it kills us. Seriously? dead no musts in Alcoholics Anonymous there's two there in two sentences there's 80 some I don't know never bothered to count and there often seems no way of entirely getting rid of self without his capital letter his God's aid and this is the how and the why of it bottom of page 62 again we're still talking about conditions before we take the third step it says one first of all we had to quit playing God oh I've been playing God yeah manipulating people it didn't work no it certainly didn't look where it got me the second one next we decided here in after here after in the drama of life God was going to be our director what do directors do they direct actors they tell actors what to do how to how to move around the set and whatever he is the principal we are his agents the principal instructs the agent to go and work for him goes and does whatever's necessary he is the father, we are His children most ideas are simple very simple idea of God, yet another idea of God in the agnostics it talks about other ideas another idea of god we've got to have a really good idea about what we who we're going to hand over what we're gonna hand over here to it also says and i missed this for a long time just underneath on page 63 where it says the third step prayer it says we thought well before taking this step they've already said the prayer and then they say we thoughtwellbeforetakingthestep did i the first time no but now i know this i always ask people are you are you think think please think well before taking this step don't just do it and i'm not particularly i'm not particularly keen on doing it as a group if you know what i mean like he was saying okay let's all say the prayer together okay now we've taken step three i'm not really keen on that we thought well before taking this steps making sure we're ready and this is the reason why they put it afterwards is because this is quite a very strong statement that we could at last abandon ourselves utterly to him I'm going to abandon myself that's letting go completely, the old story of a drunk that falls over a cliff and as he's falling down the cliff he's grabbing at things and he grabs this one branch and there's a thousand feet three hundred meters that way three hundred meters that way and he's hanging on to this branch it's the only branch there and he said well if there's no God I need help here get me out of this one and this voice comes up and says this is God and he said well get me outta here I'll do anything and God says let go the branch and the drunk says is there anybody else up there and about now some some people that I sponsor in IA goes is there any other course of action that I can take I don't really want to abandon myself utterly to this being that I've no idea what it is but we take and we take the step if we take the step at the bottom of the page and I missed this for a while as well there's a little word it says next what does next mean next means like next now now sit on step 3 now we launched they launched the space shuttle the other day did you watch it it goes very very quick very quickly breaks the sound barrier very very quickly after it takes off it's launched all right we're launching into a A course of action, vigorous action it says. And this sentence is unbelievable. It's at the bottom of the page still. I missed it. I only read the middle of the pages. I'm an alcoholic. I skim read. I don't need to... Read the book? Oh yeah, sure. Next we launched out on a course of vigorous action, the first step of which is a personal house cleaning. Oh dear. Which many of us have never attempted. You bet. I didn't want to look at that stuff. Though our decision is vital our decision, step three decision is vital, life giving what happens when I take step three is I gain a little bit more of the grace of whatever has kept me sober enough to do step three people talk in Alcoholics Anonymous of a pink cloud I talked about a pink cloud, you come into their rooms oh wow yeah a bunch of folks all doing the deal I've arrived, I'm home yeah I can really do this and I get this feeling of it's all going to be okay and people call it the pink cloud and sometimes, and I don't know the problem with that is I don' t know how long it's going to last but this pink cloud, I don''t believe it's a pink cloud at all I believe it''s the grace of God that I'm given grace see on my last day of drinking I thought I was dying that night and I actually said God help me and I believe that I was given enough time to call Alcoholics Anonymous is to get in the room, to get somebody started me on the work and actually work in these steps that opens up every step I take opens up a little bit more of the door that I need opening to let the grace in that's going to keep me sober. I don't believe it's anything I do keeps me sober God keeps me so but what I do puts me closer to what keeps me sober. That's what I believe and I think that's what the book is talking about as well. so our decision is vital and crucial it can have little permanent effect unless at once next at once followed by strenuous effort all vigorous, strenous to face and be rid of the things which are blocking us blocking us from the grace blocking us form the power I'm blocking me from the power if the power is to be found deep within me as it says where to find it, I mean this is great about this book, it says you need a power, it tells you where to found it deep inside, not out there God of the universe far too far away in here that's where I find it tells me where to Find It and also tells me that I've got stuff in me that's blocking me off from accessing that power a liquor was but a symptom we had to get down causes and conditions so it isn't my drinking at all it's my thinking it ain't my thinking now it goes on to say at the bottom that we're spiritually sick when the spiritual malady is overcome we straighten out mentally and physically so this is going to say that I'm going to have to go on a spiritual path here that if I work the spiritual path I don't have to work on my head and I don' t have to work on body it's going to be straightened out for me for me now that for me was a great gift it means I don't have to do any all I have to doing is do one thing and everything else is going to get looked after and as we go along you'll see I've got to have this because I don' t know how long that initial grace is going last when I'm talking to a sponsee I don't know how long that initial grace is going to last for him either it might last for years I know people who have stayed sober on that grace and an awful lot of service in Alcoholics Anonymous and no steps they're very very busy in AA and they go into a lot of meetings and they're getting temporary relief by sharing their dramas in the meetings and they've never taken the spiritual step to let the sunlight in and they're very, very busy in AA and they are staying sober I meet a guy regularly who is what's he 42 years sober and when he leaves the table you can see the scratch marks on the table I mean bless him, bless him you know, I'm not criticizing bless him you know but there's a better way there's a better way you know and this is the way this is the solution in which we all agree when they wrote the book they all agreed on the solution the reason why they wrote the book was already before they wrote the book in the first five years of this fellowship it was already being changed because what do we do selfish self-centered we change it I changed this because I think I've got a better way and it was already happening so they wrote it down so that they actually all looked around and said what did we do what did you do what did he do what did me actually do and here it is this is what we actually did yeah and that's why they wrote him down so I'm quite happy to follow what they said because my ideas got me into a lot of trouble got me drunk got me in all sorts of crazy places there you go okay I'll pass over to Simon thanks Peter go for it next we look out on the course of vigorous action immediately after the third step prayer when I'm working with guys and they're around at my apartment I take them through the first three steps exactly as we've done here straight out the book but prior to doing this I do let them know what any lengths look like I let them know that once we've got to this stage the any lengths that they've agreed to when they entered into this sponsorship deal, what any lengths would look like. So even after we've done the third step prayer four through nine is a requirement ten, eleven, twelve is a requirement and working with others is a requirements immediately as they're getting through this work obviously I don't believe you can sponsor anybody unless you've had a spiritual experience as a result of doing this because then he got nothing to give away so we did a third step prayer next thing we'd get out is an A4 pad and a pen I'll sit down and I'll show them how to do a four step it's exactly as it tells us how to do it on 64 through 71 here when people mention step 4 it sends us into this seething cauldron of debate and again if you're not really talking to a man who's properly armed with the facts about himself or this book you will get lots of different ideas and opinions about how to do a fourth step um you know well i do an extended fifth column well i go down the page but i go across it don't have to do it straight away step four will take a year and all of these these different opinions and experiences yeah i just want to share my experience of step four uh straight out of the book. That way there's no room for any opinion or there's no room for me to mislead you or tell you a lie based on this. Because I had to get down to causes and conditions as the book said. Liquor, cocaine was but a symptom. I had to get down to the causes and conditions. And it says this commercial inventory is a fact-finding and fact-facing process. And all it is is an effort to discover the truth so now i'm embarking on a on an exercise to discover the truth with the main one object is to disclose the damage or unsalable goods to get rid of them promptly and without regret we did the same thing with our lives we took stock honestly it's an honest look for me to see the truth about my life search out the flaws in our makeup which caused our failure being convinced that self manifested in various ways was what had defeated us we consider its common manifestations immediately after that first that third step prayer we go straight in into inventory um looking at all the resentment i have towards people institutions and principles get them down on paper second column page 65 the cause why i've got it what they did third column and it gives us a number of options to choose from self-esteem security ambitions personal or sex relations pride um to choose form in that third column but we're still really only at the first three columns step four isn't a life story step four is an honest effort to find the truth and to look at the resentment i have i was as definite as this example in the book and most of the guys i work with are because i pass on what's in here to them also says that resentment is the number one offender it destroys us kills us i can give you clear examples of when i've made a decision and gone out and drank on a resentment it says when the spiritual malady is overcome we straighten out mentally and physically all right now the spiritual Maladie or if you like untreated alcoholism or untreated drug addiction is explained in the doctor's opinion this restlessness irritability discontentment and again on page 52 the problems in personal relationships being full of fear the selfishness feeling of uselessness pray to misery and depression that's the spiritual malady that's described on page 52 so they're saying that when that's overcome i straighten out mentally and physically now making a list of these people in the first column the institutions and the principles we ask ourselves why what was affected but we're still only really in the first three columns and this is this is about being specific you know i don't really need to understand why you've got the resentment because column four is going to tell you exactly why youve got the resentment or we dont i dont need any big explanation on really what they did and it started like this and then they did this and they did that and this is how i write at being resentful it's just specific mr brown why because of that his attention to my wife affects my and i write it in you know i don't do these these columns and graphs that we do where we tick it and we put dots in it and stuff i have to see what was affected the same reason is that i haveto write down when we get to page 67 it tells us to go to the fourth column on page 67 so i need to list everybody that i'm pissed at what they did and what it affected in me um it says we went back through our lives nothing counted but thoroughness and honesty my sponsor peter explained to me what resentment means and it means re-feeling something re-filling i'm thinking about this and i'm constantly re-feeding it um i was specific and there were some things happened very early in my childhood that when i thought about them and i think about them at the most bizarre times of the day but i think about them and i'd get a knot in my stomach i'd clench my fists i'd kind of grip my teeth a little bit you know and i'll start remembering it and i start re-feeling it on what they did that's the stuff that we need to to put down on paper i don't really we don't really need to see pages and pages and stages and pages of repetitive stuff this is about being specific about the stuff that's really burning you up goes on to some page 66 that for the alcoholic whose hope is the maintenance and growth of a spiritual experience step 12 says having had a spiritual awakening or spiritual experience as a result of these steps my only hope to recover from this disease was a deep and effective spiritual experience and it reminds us again what we're aiming at here. We go back to the column, the fourth column and the great thing is that the book gives us four defects of character to choose from, not 16. The book gives us four. Selfish, where was I selfish, dishonest, self-seeking and frightened. Column four is really about seeing the truth about myself. And that I was always blaming people in columns one and two. Always. It was my dad because he did this. It was me mum because she did that. It was the school teacher because of this. And it also says fancied or real on the previous page some of the resentments i had i didn't know whether they actually happened or not but i thought they'd happened um it also tells us on 66 and 67 i'm sorry to jump around a bit but but how i meant to view the people in columns one and two yeah and i realized that the people that that harmed me were perhaps spiritually sick perhaps though i didn't like their symptoms in column two and the way they disturbed me in column three they like ourselves were sick too so how do i get around that i've seen you know i'm looking at columns one two and three again it says here there's a prayer here it says we ask god to help us show them the same tolerance pity and patience that we'd cheerfully grant a sick friend. We move down and then we look at column four. Referring to our list again, which right now contains the first three columns, we're putting out of our minds the wrongs others had done. So we've put the wrong as others have done on columns one, two and three. We resolutely look for our own mistakes. Where had we been selfish, dishonest, self-seeking and frightened? Though a situation had not entirely been our fault we try to disregard the other person entirely where were we to blame it says here when we saw our faults which is selfish dishonest self-seeking and frightened we listed them which means write them in the fourth column it says it again we place them before us in black and white which means i need to write in selfish dishonesty self-speaking and frightened but with guy the other night um you know there was a 100 page fourth step it's a lot of work there and i i certainly didn't have the time to sit down and to listen to all of this stuff and in some in some of the columns three and four was graphs was ticks and dots and there's a lot of effort that's gone into doing something like that and i can't knock the willingness with that but this is about being specific you know it's an condensed exercise shouldn't take long at all the fourth step it should not take time it shouldn't take time to do it once you've done the third step prayer putting your pen and following the instructions here in step four in the graph that the definite example that the first 100 have laid out for us is about being specific and most of the people i take through this work and steps um step four recently these guys are getting it done in about a week they're being honest and they're been specific about it because they're still blaming people when they're not doing it and it's easy sometimes we hear in mainstream ai meetings especially where we're from i can't talk about here but where we are from is oh just don't worry about that just turn it over let go let god steps one two and three well that's fine but previously it says that my third step you know isn't going to have any effect unless at once followed by doing this so we get down to the causes and conditions. That's the first list. Four columns, who I'm resentful at, what they did, what it affected in me, what my mistake was. Write it in. Next, there's three parts to step four. Fear inventory. Two columns. We reviewed our fears thoroughly. We put them on paper even though we had no resentment in connection with them. We asked ourselves why we had them. Two columns. What I'm afraid of, why? List them, pen to paper. And then the sex inventory. And I think there's sort of five columns around the sex inventory and again it tells us how to do it on page 69. I will tell you that sex inventory is nothing to do with the act of sex. Sex inventory is about looking at how selfish, dishonest and inconsiderate my behaviour towards the opposite sex. And I was just as dishonest, selfish, inconsiderat around my behaviour towards the opposing sex as I was with everything else. And I had to go back and look at all of my previous relationships. And the great thing is it tells us how to do this, but at the end of each explanation or resentment, it tells how we act towards the people that have wronged us. with all the fear it tells us what we do once we see it we ask god to remove our fear and direct our attention to what he would have us be at once we commence to outgrow fear so we see where we're currently burned up and what we're currently suffering from but it gives us it shows us at the bottom there what we need to do when we get afraid same with the sex inventory we review our conduct over the years past specific conducts and we're just looking for your mistakes in this and it goes on to talk about in this way we try to shape a sane and sound ideal for us our future sex life i have no idea no idea what my sane sound ideal was no idea at all i had been absolutely selfish self-seeking and dishonest with regards to the opposite sex as i was in every other area of my life no it was all about me to get down on paper we look at it and then We try to shape a sane and sound ideal for our future sex life. So we're talking about future sex life now. We subjected each relation to the test, is this selfish or not? Am I just looking for what I can get out of this situation or am I looking for a sane, sound ideal with the other person's with the other person in mind? It goes on to say, whatever our ideal turns out to be, we must be willing to grow towards it. We must be willy to make amends where we've done harm, provided that we do not bring around still more harm in doing so. in other words we treat sex as we would any other problem and here's a meditation we ask god what we should do about each specific matter the right answer will come if we want it you know and it goes on to give us i think one thing i will mention um here now is it says suppose we fall short of the chosen ideal and stumble does this mean we're going to get drunk some people tell us so but this is only a half truth it depends on us and our motives if we are sorry for what we've done and have the honest desire to let god take us to better things we believe we will be forgiven and would have learned our lesson if we continue if we are not sorry and our conduct continues to harm others we are quite sure to drink we're not theorizing these are facts about our experience and that's been my experience as well um i'll go into that in in the session later on today around the eighth and ninth step amends um i was not sorry for what i had done and my conduct in an amend regarding the sexual relationship um was selfish shall i say and i got blocked i got block the other person was hurt and harmed in an amends process and the experience i had from then over the coming weeks was horrendous and i got blocked off from this power and all of a sudden i found myself on the phone to peter restless irritable discontent extremely uncomfortable in my own skin and go back to what the book says it's facts about their experience and was was me too so to sum up about sex i have to earnestly pray for the right ideal and there's a bunch of prayers there around sexual relations and it also says you know but we let god be the final judge and again within sponsorship i i don't tell these guys what they need to do about sex they're real dependencies upon a power greater than themselves and to be going to god in this area of relationships i can share my experience but that's it you know it says we don't we don'T want to be the arbiter of anyone's sex conduct and the moment i start being the arbitor of anyone sex conduct i'm giving them an opinion about what i think they should do and i don't even know what i should do so what gives me the right to give you an opinion on what i THINK YOU SHOULD DO it's arrogant and it's selfish to the core i stay out of that you know but instead i point them to the pages on 69 and 70 starting to get them to develop a prayer life which i do myself every day and i happen to be in relationship at the moment and i work very very closely with the prayers on 69 70 i have a daily reprieve as well you know and i need to ask daily what i need today please mold my ideals god please help me be patient tolerant loving and kind he also says at the end here and i'll just finish on this fourth step a bit before peter will go into some step five stuff it's as if we've been thorough about our personal inventory we've written down a lot we've listed and analyzed our resentments we've begun to comprehend their futility and their fatality yes within the fourth step people used to say to me is this painful exercise and once they'd done it they felt so free and i looked at column four and for the first time in my life i realized that it wasn't their fault it was all my mistakes and that's not a very nice feeling it kind of i felt very very deflated but at the same time relieved that i knew what the truth was i stopped blaming people very specific shouldn't take if you're doing step forward shouldn't tell you any longer than a week if you work it if you work it I think I'm done on that so Peter do you want to tie up the loose ends on that yeah there's an awful lot of stuff actually around step four and bear with me I just want to kind of hang around there for a little while because there's a lot of staff what I do is I generally, and I've got several of these I generally have a kit I call it my four step kit and it's a kids exercise book and a pen and when a sponsee has taken step three I give him the kit and I say you know what this is and he says no it's just a step four kit and what it is since we've got it I've gotta use it here's the exercise book and we open it up at the first double page of the exercise book and what I do is I draw a line down that one, then I draw another down that one, we've now got four columns and I open up the page on the other side and I draw along down each side and I can open that up a number of times and say okay you've got you've go here's your four columns. Now in the book it says it's specific at this it's got three columns now I don't know why that is but I've got a feeling that they couldn't print it that way to give it four columns I'm not sure, that was when they first set it up, but the fourth column was on the next page, but let's look at those first three columns and they say that we that we we have a grudge list and resentment is recentere, it's based on the Latin recentere, which is to re-feel. Now we re-feele. And they say people institutions and principles. Let's start with the people. I say to the folks, okay what's the first one that pops up in your head? How many of them are on the page there? There's four. You've got four. One, two, three four per page. That's all you've got. Four per page do four per age just list them when you run out, list them when you think of it again, list them. When you run over people go on to institutions banks, governments whatever when you finish with institutions go on the principles I don't know feminine equality, whatever you name it, whatever principles like that just don't drink and go to meetings contemporary AA when you come to the end of that right now ok, go back why do I have resentment against this particular person in the book here it says Mr Brown I picked up on this some time ago I heard this somewhere and it's really great none of this stuff is original I listen to a lot of people and I like what a lot of people say and they say this guy said you've got 19 words in Mr. Brown there's 19 words you've Got 19 words here to describe what this person why you've got the resentment no more because if I start to explain why it's going to give me more I'm going to wind down I'm not going to go around in a circle I'm gonna get more resentment against this person it's gonna get bigger and it's gonna get bigger and I'm get mad as hell and I go down and I look at each one I look at each one and I've got a little prayer that I picked up as well before I start this it says God give me the strength and the courage to see what I need to see about myself and remember what I need to remember and do what I need to do to complete my fourth step inventory help me see truth once I've got to that I now look at the third column once I'm finished I was actually told to go down in columns because if I go across I stay there I've gotta be objective about this and if I start to stay there it's gonna start hurting me again I'm gonna start re-feeling it again whereas if I use it objectively down the list I use It objectively and they give me they say alongside our grudge list we set opposite each name our injuries now these are our injuries was it my self-esteem that was injured, was it my security that was injured was it my security being my bank balance or my financial security my ambition my personal or sex relations or and they slipped this one in I missed it for a long time but actually in the columns they got pride written there as well well if I'm selfish, self-centred then I'm quite prideful aren't I that's what pride means and then it says at the bottom of that nothing counted but thoroughness and honesty. At the beginning of this chapter in one paragraph it mentions honesty three times. In the beginning of chapter 5 we read at the beginningof the meeting rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path rarely have we seen a person thoroughly follow our path and it talks about honesty, honesty with themselves, rigorous honesty a way of living that demands rigorous honesty many can recover even though they have grave emotional and mental disorders many can recovery if they have the capacity to be honest and it says down here nothing counted but thoroughness and honesty it's about being honest with me not being honest for you, honest for me and then after I'd done my three columns the first thing apparent, and this is great because the book out thinks me every time the first think apparent was this world where people were often quite wrong shut the book, I'm done, they're quite wrong but it says we've got to go further of course that's all I ever did I've sort of done this before I've done this in my head before this is what I've done in my mind this is my head, this is what I'm doing in my head, but I put it down on paper now but this is what I'm doing this is a formal way of doing it to concede that others were wrong as far as most of us ever got so they've already got me there the usual outcome is people continue to wrong us and we stayed sore, that's the reason why I was told to do it in columns so I don't stay there and relive the resentment while I'm actually writing it down that's why I've only got 19 words to write it down with we can negotiate about the 20th In this business of resentment, halfway down page 66, it says in this business of resentment we found that it is infinitely grave. We found that it is fatal. It kills us. It kills US. I drank on resentment. I attempted suicide on resentment, I'll show them. They're going to be sorry for when harboring such feelings we shut ourselves off from the sunlight of the spirit that's why we've got to get rid of it this is what's blocking me, the insanity of alcohol returns and we drink again that's a promise there are not only one of the things that the big book says it tells us what's wrong with this it tells uns how to fix it and then it tells what's going to happen to us when we've fixed it when we do it there's always promises but there's negative promises as well in there and believe me I've seen this happen and it happened to me the insanity of alcohol returned I didn't drink again but the insanity of my thinking returned again and with us to drink is to die ask myself that question do I suffer from a fatal malady take it back to step one do I suffering from this insanity and this this malady that's going to kill me now one of the things that I've grown to believe is that we have a two I heard it one time we had a three-fold illness that we've got an allergy of the body we've Got The Obsession Of The Mind we've GOT The Allergy Of The Body and we've GOt This Spiritual Malady now that would set me apart from drug addicts that would Set Me Apart from overeaters that would SET ME APART from other 12 Step Fellowships now I think yes alcoholics we have this problem with the body the mental obsession I think we share with other addictions but the allergy of the body if I really look at it and I'll say something very controversial here is I don't think alcohol is addictive it's only alcoholics that become addicted to alcohol because we don't process it you put 100 people in a room and feed them alcohol every day for 6 months you're only going to get 10 alcoholics you feed them heroin every day, you're going to give 100 heroin addicts you give them smoke crack every day you're gonna get 100 crack addicts their obsession is going to be the same as those 10 alcoholists but they're not going to have, that's the difference there's going to people in that room of where you're feeding them alcohol that are never going to drink again in their lives, there's other people that are going to enjoy it but then they're going to be giving the rest of it to the alcoholics and the alcoholic is going be drinking everybody else's Because that's who I drank. I drank yours. But it says here, we look back at the list because it held the key to the future. Now this is why this is so important. This is so importante, this step. It holds the key to the key to the future. What holds the key to the future? The key to the future holds the future because this is the first time that I've looked at myself. This is the first time that I haven't pointed a finger at other people. And they told me years ago, I've got a finger point now i got three foot three fingers pointing back i'm pointing at you i'm pointing three fingers back at me it's not you it's me and this is the first time that i've ever looked at this and it says here that when we're doing this as a prayer here we realize that people who wronged us were perhaps spiritually sick and simon mentioned it and it said we ask god now every time it says in the book we ask or we ask god it's a prayer because i can't do this my sponsor can't do this for me i can ask my sponsor and he'd turn me back well pray pray about it and so we ask god to help us show the same tolerance now if we've done step three and we've got a power that we believe is there or we're willing to believe is there we can now access this power through the process of inventory while we're doing this before we go in to have a look at ourselves while we doing it i get to a resentment and i and it gets to be a really big resentment and i can't go any further i can stop and say please god show me the same pity intolerance and patience that i would cheerfully show as a sick friend because this person is sick too and i love the way it says they like ourselves we're sick too oh you're sick well i am too now i believe that we share the spiritual malady with most of the most of the most of the human population i think it's part of the human condition i think we've got it we've got it maybe a little bit more acute because i showed these 12 steps to somebody one time and they said well doesn't wouldn't everybody benefit if they live like this sure sure but i'm an alcoholic i've got to live like this i believe that this spiritual stuff doesn't make me spiritual i think i see what what this does for me is get me gets me level with everybody else I don't get to be holy here, I get to be human it doesn't elevate me to some high spiritual plane above everybody else, this puts me normal that's why I've got to do this stuff putting out of our minds now this is something else that I didn't see for a long time it says putting out our minds we avoid retaliational arguments so while I'm doing this I can get mad as hell but I don't go and knock on this guy's door and tell him what he's done to me so we avoid retaliation and argument we wouldn't treat a sick person that way if we do we destroy our chances of being helpful now it keeps on telling me all the way through this book reminding me that I'm going to be helpful to other people and I can look back on my drinking career or actually even before I even started drinking when was I ever helpful to anybody except me only when it served me but at least God will show us how to take a kindly and tolerant view of everyone so please God show me how to take an tolerant and kindly view of everyone and I keep on doing that referring to our list again now we put out of our minds the wrongs that others have done so if necessary fold it over put it out of your mind the wrongs of others are done we resolutely without reservation looked at our own mistakes now I sometimes say I didn't get this for a little while and I've been thinking about it for some time it says I keep on saying I still say it now I looked at my part well that means that the other person has still got a part so maybe I can still blame them a little bit but maybe they're still partially to blame but it actually says here putting out of our minds the other person I've got to resolutely look at my own mistakes and it lists my mistakes it only gives me these mistakes if selfishness, self-centeredness is the root of my problem I've gotta look and see where I'm showing up in people's lives selfish, dishonest, self seeking and fearful generally I'm manipulating people when I'm fearful when i'm fearful when i've i'm either i'm either not going to get something i want i'm faithful of that or you're not going to give me something that i want or you're going to take something away but i've got and i'm manipulating the situation not be entirely our fault we tried to disregard the other person entirely they haven't got a part in this this is about me where am i to blame there's another question where am I to blame so selfish dishonest self-seeking frightened where was I to blame so I can write a little story in the fourth column where was i to blame oh i did so and so i couldn't figure out why i was frightened of policemen for a while and then i suddenly realized i was driving a car without insurance sober it says here we placed it down in black and so you know you can't i can't do this in my head i've got to write those i've got to right those selfish dishonest self-seeking frightened down in that fourth column even if i repeat and repeat and repeating and repeat because i need to see it because i am a rationalizing alcoholic i still at this point still have an alcoholic mind at this part of my life at this time i'm only just embarking on the steps i still have an alcoholic mind, I need to be reminded again and again and again what is wrong with me I am self selfish I am dishonest, I am self seeking and I am afraid and by the time I get to about the 20th page of this it suddenly dawns on me, oh yeah actually I'm selfish and I'm dishonest and I'M SELF SEEKING and I AM MANIPULATING PEOPLE HERE and I Am REALLY FRIGHTENED and so we got a separate fear inventory, I'm really frightened that was something and it says it's an evil and corroding thread that runs through my life it says our existence was shot through with it that's a weaving term and when you see cloth with a gold thread running through it you can see it all the way through the cloth both sides and that's like it was in my life I could see fear and a lot of it was unknown a lot if it was a hollow in my gut so they say ok well we're going to get the other side of this fear and it's a two column I thought it was a four column inventory and the book says it's two it says we reviewed our fears so we put them down on paper even though we had no resentment in connection with them I've got some with resentment I put those down first and then I start thinking about the other things I'm frightened of. And there was a lot. I was frightened of a lot of stuff. There was some stuff I was frightening of, I didn't know I was frighting of until somebody mentioned it. Like you're frightened of the dark? Yep. Frightened of women? Yep, frightened of men? frightened of success frightened of failure first yep frightened of success yep frightened of a lot of stuff we reviewed our fifth day of Australia put them down on paper and then we asked ourselves why we had them and they answered that question I don't even think wasn't it self-reliance failed us if I'm relying on myself and not a power greater than myself and I think I'm flawed which is a lot of the time I'm walking around when I'm drinking thinking I'm actually I'm not really very good at this I don't do lies they say I don'T DO LIFE VERY WELL and I'M RELYING ON THAT PERSON to take away my fear that ain't going to happen self-reliance I'M NOW IN A DIFFERENT PLACE after step three I'M relying on a power greater than me this is helping my relationship with that power i take my fears to god it says so down here perhaps there's a better way we think so for we're now on a different basis the basis of trusting and relying on god step three that's where i get that from i'm on that basis if i've taken three at step three and i'm this is where i get to see that i've got to hand my will of my life over i've gotta do this i can't rely on me I've got to do this and it says there's a wonderful wonderful promise here and it's strangely I find it strangely written and Bill sometimes writes there's some quite prosaic English in here but it says here we trust infinite God rather than our finite selves do I? am I handing over entirely in step three or I'm letting God take my alcoholism but I'll look after the relationships the money the job any other stuff I'll rely on me I'll be on self-reliance on those or am I doing my best to let God show me what to do we are in the world to play the role he assigns he is the director we're the actor he is a principal we are the agent it's the deal we did we did a deal in step three in step two in step 3 it says take away my alcoholism and I will do this for you i will carry this message for you it's a deal while i'm doing this god's taking away my alcoholism i have a 16 years sober i was locked in a room with the curtains closed rocking and saying hail mary's because i stopped doing this i didn't drink but i almost drank i wanted to commit suicide and i'd done i'd made decisions based on self that put me in a situation to be hurt quote in the big book and I was on self-reliance again, I'd stop relying on that power and I Was Insane certifiable and it says just to the extent that we do as he would have us, and I put do after that because it sounds just to the extent that I do what I think God will have me do and humbly rely upon him and he enables me to to match calamity with serenity that's a promise if i do this thoroughly he will match god will match he she whatever it is you believe in will help you match every calamity was serenite wow did i want serenitude when i arrived here i didn't know what that even meant and actually i was quite frightened of it when i first got it what the hell's this there's no noise and it says we never apologize never apologize you know don't don't mention god to the newcomer frightening him away jack daniels will frighten him back in with a bit of luck you know this is a god program this is about god that there's the steps the way the steps work there's uh there's four steps mentioned god specifically there's two other steps that mention him with a capital which is God that's 6 out of 9 this is a God program as Simon said the other big promise the other Big Promise that comes after this we never apologise for depending on our creator paradoxically is the way of strength see I have to surrender to win paradox I have to surrender to win and I have to give this away to keep it it's full of paradoxes yeah I don't understand that yet when I'm doing this but I've got I've got to surrender to win and that kind of felt okay yeah because I couldn't I was finished battering myself because I you know um I was the alcoholic that would that would see that door over there and try and go through the wall and I would continue to try and go through the wall even though people were pointing me at the door that's how i was i was finished battering myself and it says here that it says when we have all this fear i look at all this sphere it tells me exactly what to do it tells me what to doing instead we let me demonstrate through us what he can do we ask him to remove our fear and direct our attention to what he would have us be the promise at once that's like next isn't it, at once we commence to outgrow fear that doesn't mean to say the fears are all going to suddenly go away, gone we begin to out grow fear, this is going to take some time this is gonna take some time don't hang around doing this but the process is gonna take some times, but at once we commence to outgrow fear so while I'm doing the inventory it's telling me we're near step 5 yet, it's tellling me I can get rid of fear or begin to get rid of fear while I am doing the infantry I ask God to take it away we ask God, prayer, to remove our fear and direct our attention to what he would have us be, not do what do I think god wants me to be what do i think my human condition wants me to be how am i going to show up in people's lives from here onwards am i still going to be selfish dishonest inconsiderate full of jealousy suspicion and bitterness as it says in the sex inventory or am i gonna try and look at what the opposites of those are and begin to try and show up with god's help in that way in people's lives that's why I need to look at my relationships now with the sex imagery, I needto look at how I turn up in peoples lives how did I turn up in the major relationships that I had around women and around other guys as well what is it for me to be a man amongst men and how do I show up with the opposite sex I subject each relationship to the test, was it selfish or not every relationship I ever had in my life well into sobriety with women was absolutely totally selfish selfish, dishonest, inconsiderate and I hurt every one of them every one I arouse jealousy the suspicion and bitterness and when we go into the I'll talk about it a bit in the amends process about how the amens can help us see get perspective on this and it says we subjected each relation to the test whether selfish or not, so there's some questions here I've got to look at the way I was shown again, it was kind of four columns but sort of five columns same deal, write down all the people I've ever had a relationship with first of all sexual relationship then family relationship and then relationships at work where was I selfish dishonest inconsiderate who did I hurt second column did I arouse jealousy suspicion bitterness third column fourth column what should I have done instead what should i have done instead again it tells me before i get to step five what should id do about this it says in meditation oh i'm supposed to be meditating oh didn't know that a good sponsor will say to you after you've taken step three you need to do this every day you need to ask God for the power every morning and you need to sit quiet for ten minutes or so before you go into your day begin to do step ten right now because you're accessing this power you need this power every day in your life because you are no longer you're no longer drinking you need another power because if you don't do this you're going to get irritable, restless, discontent you're gonna be in the melody of cooking we start so in meditation I ask God what we should do about a specific matter what should I have done instead I've got to ask a power to find out what I've gotta do instead I don't know the right answer will come if we want it oh yeah I wanna know I wanna now I'm fed up of hurting people I'm through with hurting people I don't want to hurt people anymore and it goes on about judging it does say actually it's very interesting at the top of page 69 and notice that sex is on page 69 it's a cosmic joke it's very interesting but you see Alcoholics Anonymous comes from an original idea that was transmitted to a patient by Dr. Carl Jung and he believed that there was a spiritual dimension to every human and it says down here on page 69 about other people they see their significance everywhere they think we've not enough of it it's not the right kind etc etc all our troubles are traceable to sex that's Freud if Roland Hazard had gone to see Freud we'd have a totally different program thank God Freud was busy thank God he came and saw Dr. Jung because Dr. Young said you've got to have a spiritual experience that's where we come from that was the beginning of it it just so happened that there was a movement at the time called the Oxford Group at the same time that's where we come from the right answer will come if we want it only if we wanted and to finish on it there's a checklist on page 17 it also says if sex is a lot of trouble it says if sex is very troublesome we throw ourselves the harder into helping others get involved get involved do this we'll see it says we think of their needs and work for them this takes us out of ourselves and here's a checklist about step 5 if we've been thorough about our personal inventory the first checklist we have written down a lot have I written down along have I listed and analysed my resentment have I begun to comprehend their futility uselessness if you like or a bit deeper than that, and their fatality how dangerous is this, this is going to kill me have I commenced to see their terrible destructiveness the terrible destructiveness of my resentments how does it rule my life these people rule my life have I begun to learn tolerance patience and goodwill towards all men not yet even our enemies well yes there's that prayer, maybe they're sick too please God show me this how to be kind to the other people have I listed the people I've hurt by our conduct oh that sounds like step 8 to me it says here we've listed the people we've hurt by our contact right when we finish this we list the people we've heard by our conduct separately and that's generally everybody that I've got on my my lists because everybody I've touched when I've been untruthly alcoholic, drunk and sober I've heard and am I willing to straighten the past out if I can? What does step 8 say? Step 8 says we made a list of all persons we'd harmed became willing to make amends to them all well here it is at the end of step 4 here it is atthe end ofstep4 and so I make a list of all the pieces, I'm ready because this is going to accelerate it's already got pretty quick this is gonna accelerate this is accelerating, this is beginning to accelerate in this book you read again and again that faith did for us what we could not do for ourselves, that's what this book's about, it's examples from their experience of what faith has done, we hope you're now convinced that God can remove whatever self-will has blocked you off from him that's exactly what we're trying to do we're taking off the self will that is blocking us from God if you've already made a decision, step 3 and an inventory of grosser handicaps grosser handicaps not the minutiae the grosser handicaps you have made a good beginning oh I thought this was somewhere down the road beginning that being so you have swallowed and digested some big chunks of truth about yourself now that's what I didn't want to look at that's really what I did not want to look at in this whole thing what's blocking me? selfishness, dishonesty, resentment and fear I've got to be rid of that, that's whats blocking me from God I need God in my life, I need that power in my live to keep me safe from my alcoholism or to to help me recover from my alcoholism. If I can't get access to it because of all the garbage in my head and all the rubbish around this stuff, then I'm going to stay blocked. I'm gonna stay blocked off from the sunlight. I don't want to be locked off from the sun light anymore. It's been too dark in my life already. Too dark. I can remember having like, it's like tunnel vision when I was drinking. My house was dark. I painted it dark colours. I love dark colours, it's dark I don't want to be there anymore I want to go out in the sunlight we write our grosser handicaps in step 4 it's not a life story we sort of tell our story in step 5 in relation to these this vision that we've had of ourselves but I need power in order to do that That's why it's so important. Step three is so important, go back to step three. So important that I need the power to do this. I've even heard it said that if you're really, really suffering, put down half a dozen, get some, put down half a thousand, half a hundred, half a dozen. Go look at half a doesn't really big resentments. Get clear of those resentments, put those out the way. Give yourself a bit more light to go and look at the rest. What we're saying is that there's thing about alcoholism not being causal I'm going on a bit, sorry that some of us have had really really bad things happen to us in our childhood and in early times really bad thing, so not minimising that if there's been any abuse or whatever we probably at the time we probably were a victim but it's what we're doing with it now it stopped a long time ago what am I doing with today am I still reliving if I'm re-feeling that hurt 20 years, 30 years 40 years after it actually happened I'm keeping myself imprisoned in, it's finished the person may be even dead but it's me that's keeping me in that stuff, that's why we need to look at this, it is not minimising it it made our condition worse possibly, we drank harder but it didn't cause our alcoholism but I need to be free and so this is a way of getting free, this is the way of saying look I'm doing this to me it's me that's doing this to me, it's not the other person anymore, that stopped a long time ago if it's still going on maybe it gives us power to stop it maybe this gives us there's abusive relationships we sometimes have when we come to Archons Anonymous maybe this will give us the power to get some perspective and stop it with God's help so very very powerful very pivotal gone on a bit long about that sorry but I'm really really because I need to know how to do this because step 10 asked me to do it often and I really needed to have a plan of how to do the same thing how to go through this quickly because step ten asked me do it often and what I tend to try and do is i tend to try and go through this process on a regular basis um i sort of get moved to do it and i'm sort of getting moved to start again at step one very shortly probably whatever so i'll finish there do you want to you got a bit sorry i've left you about four minutes to no that's fine i think we're just coming up to time for lunch so i mean i've pretty much said what i've needed to cover on that and pete has gone into it in a lot more detail as well which is great so maybe lunch yeah