Four Levels of Alcoholism and Family Principles – BB Workshop – Part 13 of 14 – Bill L.

Hi everybody, my name is Bill. I'm an alcoholic. Hey Bill. Hey Joe. Anything else? I like women. That's what you mean. We hope the cover tonight is to wives and family afterwards and maybe even to employers, but I guess we'll see. With the two chapters, Two Wives and the Family Afterwards, what we're going to do is we're going to highlight principles that are mentioned in those two chapters. Something that I believe Two Waves and the family afterwards and Two Employers contains a lot of is, first of all, it gives a wife, family members, and an employer tips on how to deal with alcoholics. And if they're good enough for family members and employers, then they certainly would be good enough for us in dealing with people that are alcoholics in our own lives, perhaps even people that we work with. So not only do those three chapters contain principles to practice in all of our affairs, but it also contains 12-step tips on how to work with people and how to deal with people that we're working with. So with the first two chapters, Two Wives and the Family, afterwards, we're going to highlight a few things as well as all the principles that we were able to find in those two chapters. Which actually we had done at a study one time and when read back to back to back to it was a pretty powerful kind of brought a quiet to the room because when you read standards that are as high as what I've thrown out in these two chapters you start to reflect on whether you're living up living up to them so we hope to do that again and then in two employers we're going to highlight the 12 step tips that are mentioned there because there's a series of directions that it gives to an employer which again we can use when working with people so that's kind of the plan I think tentatively we'll just see how it goes sometimes in working with people I'll bring them to wives first. And if you turn to page 108, you'll notice at the bottom in this chapter first of all, a few times in the chapter it makes the statement, we wives. Which is actually kind of a funny statement because Bill wrote this. But at the bottom of page 108 it begins by describing four levels of alcoholism or four stages of an alcoholic or four types of alcoholics or actually the first one is just a heavy drinker and then the last three are levels of alcoolism. I sometimes like beginning when working with somebody by looking at these four descriptions because it gives the person an opportunity to see where did I stop in my downward progression of alcoholism. Which classification do I fit in? And for me, I'm probably in three, sometimes dipping into four. So maybe as we go through these, we'll begin with this and then we'll go back to the beginning of the chapter and touch upon the principles. and again ask yourself where you would fit in this in these four categories and again the first one is a heavy drinker and it says that and I'll show you where you can tell that they're talking about a heavy drunker and it's definitely not an alcoholic it says the problem they're telling about your husband because unfortunately when it was written there were basically mostly men and he refers to the alcoholic as the male head of the family so to speak It says the problem with which you struggle usually falls into one of four categories. One, your husband may be only a heavy drinker. His drinking may be constant or it may be heavy only on certain occasions. Perhaps he spends too much money for liquor. It may be slowing him up mentally and physically, but he does not see it. Sometimes he is a source of embarrassment to you and his friends. He is positive he can handle his liquor, that it does him no harm, that drinking is necessary in his business. Now, even alcoholics use those excuses, but notice what it says in the next couple lines. He would probably be insulted if you were to call him an alcoholic. This word was full of people like him. Some will moderate and stop altogether, and some will not. Of those who keep on, a good number will become two alcoholics after a while. So that second-to-last sentence there, it says, some will moderate, and somes stop altogether and some won't. not. A non-alcoholic can moderate because they don't have the allergy where when they start drinking, they don t go too far. And they can stop altogether because they don t have the obsession and they can just on their own willpower finally just say, you know what? I don t feel like drinking anymore and then they just stop. So that s describing someone who is not an alcoholic because an alcoholic has the allergy which means they can t moderate and they have a mental obsession and a spiritual malady which ends up driving and then back to drinking, so they can't stop altogether until they start on a spiritual path. And what AAH suggests is the 12 steps to a spiritual path. If you're keeping track of the hookbacks at the bottom of 20 and top of 21 it describes the moderate drinker and it says a lot of the same things in different ways as what Bill just wrote, what Bill just read about husband number one. But it uses two of the exact same words, which are stop and moderate. Then it says husband number two. Your husband is showing a lack of control for he is unable to stay on the water wagon even when he wants to. So that's describing the mental obsession that they can stop for perhaps brief periods of time when they're not able to stay stopped. He often gets entirely out of hand when drinking, which describes the allergy, that once he starts, not only can he not predict how much he's going to drink, but he usually goes too far. So that's describing an alcoholic. He admits this is true, but is positive that he will do better, which again is part of the obsession that this time it's going be different. He has begun to try, with or without your cooperation, various means of moderating or staying dry. Maybe he is beginning to lose his friends. His business may suffer somewhat. He is worried at times and is becoming aware that he cannot drink like other people. He sometimes drinks in the morning and through the day also to hold his nervousness in check. He was remorseful after serious drinking bouts and tells you he wants to stop, but when he gets over the spree, he begins to think once more how he can drink moderately next time. So that's sort of the insanity that we keep going back to it, thinking that this time it's going to be different. We think this person is in danger. These are the earmarks of a real alcoholic. Perhaps he can still tend to business fairly well, so maybe he's still a functional alcoholic nonetheless. He has by no means ruined everything so he might still have a car and a watch on his wrist and a job and a wife at home. As we say among ourselves, he wants to want to stop. Now here's husband number three. This husband has gone much further than husband number two. Though once like number two, he became worse. So this is sort of a deeper level. His family has slipped away. His home is near a wreck and he cannot hold a position. Maybe the doctor has been called in and the weary round of sanitariums and hospitals has begun. And again, this is short of describing me because I had gone to two rehabs myself and, you know, friends and family and wives started slowly disappearing. They were hiding. He admits he cannot drink like other people but he does not see why. Nobody's explained to him what's the deal here. He clings to the notion that he will yet find a way to do so and again there's the insanity that he'll figure it out and this time it's going to be different. He may have come to the point where he desperately wants to stop but cannot, and that's describing powerlessness. He wants to stop while he's drinking so he doesn't go too far and he wants to Stop while he stops instead of going back to it. This case presents additional questions which we shall try to answer for you. You can be quite hopeful of a situation like this. So it's describing somebody who wants to Stomp, they want to Stomp, but they just haven't found a way to do so. And again, when this book was written, it was assumed that it was going to go out to a lot of people that didn't have AA in their town and perhaps this book was the first glimpse of hope for somebody who wanted to stop and couldn't seem to find a way up to this point. Then here's husband number four, and this is a low bottom. You may have a husband of whom you completely despair. He has been placed in one sanitarium after another. He is violent or appears definitely insane when drunk. So again, he has the allergy. He always goes too far. He usually goes too fast once he starts drinking. sometimes he drinks on the way home from the hospital and there's the obsession and the spiritual malady that was what my experience was in my first rehab, it was an outpatient rehab so I just went there three nights a week Monday, Wednesday and Friday and it was a joke, there were times that I was drunk after I left there usually while I was there I was thinking about where I was going in the city to get the kind of things that I wanted to go get and also So what's kind of interesting is that every time they took a urine test, I always failed. Every single time they take the urine test when I was in that place. And then finally just said, listen, you know, this is a joke. You don't want to stop. And it was a joke, I mean. You know, we'd sit in the back and laugh at the films. Perhaps he has had delirium tremens, the DTs. Doctors may shake their heads and advise you to have them committed. Maybe you have already been obliged to put him away. This picture may not be as dark as it looks. Again, it's describing somebody who's desperate. And somebody who is desperate when given a real answer usually seizes that answer. Many of our husbands were just as far gone, yet they got well. So again, that's painting a pretty extreme picture. and usually in most cases the wife or whoever is part of the family just assumes that this person is hopeless, nothing can be done for them. Yet when they're given a real answer that has depth and weight and is put in a fellowship of people who have similar experiences that he's currently having in their past which they no longer have that perhaps that person can be reached. And again, since they're powerless and since they are desperate, that's usually the best position to be in to be open-minded enough to consider another way besides their own. So that describes the four levels that this chapter lays out. And again, for those of us that are alcoholics, ask yourself sort of where were you in there? Also something that I like sharing with people, if you fit in category number four as an alcoholic, since we had a real passion and a real going to any lengths kind of attitude in getting and drinking that we need to have the same attitude in dealing with recovery that if our alcoholism was practiced in an extreme way our recovery needs to be practiced in an extremely way now I'm not suggesting that some people need to do less than other people need I believe that we needed to do all this in order to bring about useful, happy, contented sobriety. But I do know some people that perhaps only go to two or three meetings a week. They've worked the steps. They work with people. And somehow that wasn't necessarily enough. They needed to work with more people. They needed pursue spirituality more strongly. They needed go to more meetings perhaps than some other people needed to go to. and what I've seen and in my own experience being somebody who was pretty extreme in the way that I partied in pursuing God, I needed to be pretty extreme in order to reach a point where I really was just kind of on a comfortable place moving forward and growing I have to do it in an extreme way which is why I really get off on doing things like this and trying to help people And, you know, this weekend's the 4th of July. Everybody's going to enjoy themselves. I'm going down to Philadelphia to try to 12-step some woman who's dying. This is something that I truly enjoy and that I really get off on. And there's people that I know that wouldn't even consider doing that. And that's okay. This is just something I love doing, and maybe they don't have to do all that, but I kind of feel that I do personally. And for me, this is kind of what I feel my heart leading me to do. And I've heard it said that, and I'm not suggesting that everybody needs to take this extreme attitude, but in turning my will and my life over to a higher power, how I see it is that my life is no longer my own. That if I'm being guided by a higherpower to go do something that's perhaps unselfish and that makes it seem like I have no life and that a large part of what I do is trying to help other people, that that's my way of following my heart and doing what I feel my higher power wants me to do and I'm not necessarily saying everybody needs to do that but I don't see my life as my own today I try to help others and I think that I've reached some really incredibly wonderful benefits because of it The way that in addition to using these four different type of diagnosis, if you will, on myself. I also like to use it as a 12-stepping tool when I work one-on-one with others. At this point we're going to take sort of a shift in the book. The past couple weeks we've been talking about the first part excuse me, the second part of the 12-step which is we tried to carry this message to other alcoholics we broke up chapter 7 working with others into two parts the first visit and the second visit then we kind of gave more 12 stepping tips with the couple pages that Bill just brought us through we're going to kind of now shift to what I call the third part of the 12 step which is practicing these principles in all our affairs And then if we have time, we'll go back to employers and shift back again to more 12-step tips, so to speak. Let's pick it up with page 111, and we're going to kind of bullet right through these. you want me to do the ones in this chapter and you do Finley afterwards so it might be easier just to follow along on the sheet unless you want to mark it in your book too it's pretty cool if we don't have the sheet with us we can still point out where they are as we go through the book as a matter of fact I want to do that because I've never marked it in my book so if I'm going too fast just let me know Just a minute. Page 111, paragraph 1. It's actually the very first line. The first principle of success is that you should never be angry. Now again, these are principles that we can practice in all our affairs. I can ask myself, am I practicing these principles in the home? Am I practicing this principle in my life? Am I doing these principles on the job? Am Idoing this within my AA group? Am I doing this within the home but also within the family that I may not see every day? How's that stuff going on? Am I practicing these principles with my creditors? On and on and on, stuff like that. So the first principle of success is that you should never be angry. something that I also do which is kind of interesting is to talk to people and say as we go through these principles ask yourself if you think these principles are important or that you need to be practicing these principles and if some of them you feel that you don't need to or they're not important what I'd like to suggest is that you talk to a sponsor or someone who's a spiritual advisor or people in your network that are close to you about perhaps why you feel some of these aren't important because in some cases, these principles are a life or death situation. That if I don't try to move toward living this way, I'm moving toward being miserable on the inside which inevitably leads to drinking again. Now notice it says that you should never be angry. It does not say you should never get angry or that you're never going to get angry. There's a difference between getting angry and being angry, I can get angry and do a quick tenth step on it and do the tools that we've been taught to do in the tenth step and spot it and ask God to remove it and discuss it with somebody else and make amends if I've harmed anyone and turn and direct my thinking to someone I can help. Boom. Possibly within just a couple minutes, that anger can dissipate. What this is talking about Is that we should never be angry Like I used to Go throughout my day Just with a constant chip on my shoulders Running down everybody in my path So it might be A little semantical there But I think there's a genuine difference Okay if you're keeping track In that very same paragraph The last sentence Patience and good temper are most necessary Good principles Patience And good temper Good temper meaning Not that I have a good angry temper But a good even keeled temper I always had a good temper I had a bad temper actually Even the sentence before that Kind of ties in those first two principles With even though your husband Becomes unbearable and you have to leave him temporarily, you should, if you can, go without rancor, which means bitterness. So that's something that we practice as well. And then it says patience of good temper are most necessary, which kind of is the last part of that. Next paragraph. Our next thought is that you should never tell him what he must do. That's a principle that can be practiced within the home, with your spouse, anywhere for that matter. But I also think it's a principal we try to practice in AA. We don't tell people what they must do. We try to share with them our own experience and maybe go about it the more easier and gentler way and suggest what they should do. But there's no dictatorship in AA, and we don't tells people what we must do, although maybe sometimes we'd like to. Not that I've ever had that experience. Next paragraph. Let's see if I can find it for you. Okay, it's actually the third paragraph, last sentence in that third paragraph. Do not set your heart on reforming. I'll just read the whole sentence. Do not sit your heart on reformming your husband. whether he be a newly sober drunk or presently. Maybe, you know, it's not just the husband, it's the spouse or anybody for that matter. You may be unable to do so no matter how hard you try, you know, and I think this is a real great place where Al-Anon comes into play because they teach stuff like that. Fourth paragraph, second sentence. Your husband may come to appreciate your reasonableness and patience. Two more good principles. Patience has already been mentioned, but reasonableness. when I was drinking and before being changed spiritually I was never reasonable I was always unreasonable matter of fact people would say things to me like Mike we just can't reason with you same paragraph be sure you are not critical during such a discussion being not critical that's always a good principle to follow attempt instead to put yourself in his or her place and quite often I try to do that you know especially when I'm working with someone in AA there's this whole thing in AA about keep your memory green and you know I used to think that was a bunch of hogwash but it's very effective when you're working with a new person because sometimes having been through the steps a few times, having a spiritual practice, working with people, doing stuff like this, being really active, happy, joyous and free, sometimes it's very easy for me to forget what it's like to be two weeks sober. So what I often try to do is put myself in the other man's shoes and just step back and listen to myself for a couple of minutes and say, you know, if I was two weeks sober, would I be able to understand what the hell I'm talking about? And plenty of times I'll catch myself and say well let me back up and that's where the principle of keep it simple comes into play for me. But that's also very effective within the home with your spouse or with someone on the job or for anywhere for that matter. Put yourself in the other person's place. Let him or her see that you want to be helpful rather than critical. Page 113. First paragraph, 1-2. Third sentence. Avoid urging them to follow our program. You know, especially if your spouse is an alcoholic or in a 12-step fellowship. If you would only work the steps like I do, we wouldn't have these problems. You know? Stuff like that, I think, they're talking about. Second paragraph. It's like in the middle of that paragraph. Again, you should not crowd him. It's quite often that my spouse just needs some space. And I've learned over the past couple of years that we've been married to just not crowd her and give her the space she needs. And she's kind enough where she does the exact same thing for me. But what we try to do with each other, even before it gets to that point, before we have to, because I don't know about anybody else, but at least in our relationship, mind-reading skills don't always function properly. So what I try to doing is if I'm just having a rough day or if I am a little edgy or I just feel like being by myself maybe, I try to tell Kathy beforehand this is how I'm feeling and it's nothing against you you haven't done anything wrong I'm just a little off kilter today and that helps us tremendously because it's letting the other person know what they're in store for it's like a little warning and it lets them know that they didn't do anything wrong Because I don't know about you guys, but for some reason I have this interpretation mechanism where whenever there's something wrong with my spouse or a person that I'm close to, quite often I'll interpret that to mean there's Something Wrong With Me and I did something to them. And sometimes that's true, but it's not true all the time. So how I got that out of You Should Not Crowd Them? we'll never know page 115 that's just a little paragraph the third sentence but you must be on guard not to embarrass or harm that's definitely a good principle we want to shy away from embarrassing anyone And, you know, I think Dr. Bob said it one time that the most dangerous, and I might be misquoting, but he said it something like this, the most dangerously dangerous organ in the human body is the tongue. And sometimes without even thinking, I can say a comment and, you Know, I Think It's Funny or I Think it's Cute and I end up embarrassing the other person, even though that was not my initial intention. But it ends up happening. So again, the 10th and 11th step principles practices can come into play here where if we're watching our thought life and if we can kind of ask ourselves before we just blurt out a statement, how is this going to affect the otherperson? and also take a look at the four absolutes, we run a lesser chance of embarrassing other people, including ourselves for that matter. Third paragraph. It is best not to take sides in any argument. Let's see, 115. The same principle applies in dealing with the children. Unless they actually need protection from their father, it is best not to take sides in any argument he has with them while drinking. I just wanted to read that entire sentence because I was pretty sure that it had something to do with that. I don't have any children so I can't offer any experience on that but I do have pets so I think that applies. use your energies to promote a better understanding all around. It sounds like a piece of the St. Francis prayer to understand rather than to be understood. Page 116, what we call paragraph zero. So, on the very top, third line down. But be careful not to be resentful, dot, dot. Some of the things on the sheet we just, we either just put a half a sentence or we didn't include the whole sentence because we're just trying to spill out principles. So be careful not to be resentful. Again, there may be times where we're going to get angry, but that anger doesn't have to carry over into resentment. Remember what a resentment is. One of the things a resentment does is replaying old tapes in my head. Third paragraph. No, not that tape. now we try to put spiritual principles to work in every department of our lives and I think that just covers this whole sheet it covers both of these chapters matter of fact, I think it covers the entire text portion of the big book we now try to put spiritual principals to work in every department of our lives. I think the key word there is now. I think another key word is try, because we're definitely not going to do it perfectly. Page 117, paragraph 2. On the sheet, it breaks it up a little bit. I'll read from the book. The faith and sincerity of both you and your husband will be put to the test. These workouts should be regarded as part of your education. For thus, you will be learning to live. And on the sheet it says, faith and severity should be regarding as part as your... as part if your education for this you will learning to lift. the key principles there are faith and sincerity. Third paragraph on that page, just be careful not to disagree in a resentful or critical spirit. Notice it doesn't say just be fearful not to disagree, period, have a nice day. It says that we're not to agree or we should be careful not to disagreement in a resentment for critical spirit Quite often I disagree with people And that's okay Each and every one of us are entitled to our own opinions Each and everyone of us is entitled to their own experiences And my experiences aren't necessarily going to be the same as your experiences And there's going to some differences The important thing is that I don't try to jam my opinions And my experience down someone's throat and that just because I disagree with you doesn't mean that you're not right. It doesn't means that you are not right for you. You are just not right to me. And I can just say something like, well my experience is a little different but I definitely respect your experience and rock on. Something that I love saying to people, too, that seems to diffuse situations that people seem to kind of want to get into an argument is the statement, you know, I respect your opinion, but I just see it differently than you do. And somehow that's put an end to many arguments that it seemed like it was going to go there, but you've let them know that you respect and you're considering what they have to say and that you just see a different way than they do. You know, it's sort of like saying, you know you like blue and I like red. I'm not right and I'm not wrong, and you're not right, and you're not wrong. That's right for you, and what's right for me is the other color. Also, you'll notice Mike just did that principle of just be careful not to disagree in a resentful and critical spirit. You'll notice at the beginning of that paragraph it does the lead-in to that. It says some of the snags you will encounter are irritation, hurt feelings, and resentments. Your husband will sometimes be unreasonable and you will want to criticize. There's a little bit going on here leading into it, and it's very much in the 11th step when it talks about when agitated at alpha we pause and wait for the right action that we need to be inventorying our insides and when we find ourselves getting ready to lash out for lack of a better expression because that's my last name, Lash that we need to pause and try to calm ourselves before we respond we shouldn't react out of that spirit, we should respond after thinking it through appropriately. Perhaps a lot calmer than how we went into the situation. Okay, I'm going to try to speed it up a little bit. Page 118, paragraph 2. 1, 2, 3, looks like the fourth sentence. Patience, tolerance, understanding, and love are the watchwords. Show the other person these things in yourself and they will be reflected back to you from them. This can also be put into a prayer. Dear God, please show me how to have patience, tolerance, understanding of love in every situation I encounter throughout the day. Show them that these things show them these things in yourself and they'll be reflected to you from them and that's that whole spiritual mirror thing. You know, it's the whole theory of reciprocity. I think that's the right word. What I put into the world, I so shall give back. I reap what I sow. So if I show another person patience, tolerance, understanding, and love and I also add kindliness to that, chances are I'm going to get that same stuff back. Same paragraph, live and let live is the rule. And that happens to be one of the slogans that we see on our meeting room walls. Same paragraph. If both show a willingness to remedy your own defects, there will be little need to criticize each other. A willingness to remediate your own defect. that's probably where this line about we need to be working our own program and staying out of each other's program, and I think somewhere along the line we've taken that to extremes to mean that I can't discuss anything about the program to my spouse, and I thinks that's just absolutely ridiculous. Some of the greatest revelations I've had in step work has been with my wife. But what it's saying is not to make the mistake that I did about four or five years ago and try to... At that time, Kathy and I were engaged and don't make the same mistake I did and tryと drag your spouse through a four-column inventory because she's pissed off at you. That's usually not a good idea. Did she tell you that one, Deb? No, I've done it myself. Oh, okay. That's the relating laugh. Okay, page 119, fourth line down. When resentful thoughts come, try to pause and count your blessings. Bill just mentioned it. About step 11, pause when agitated or doubtful or resentful or whatever. Second paragraph. And that's towards the bottom of the page, I believe. Third line up. If you cooperate rather than complain, you will find that his excess enthusiasm will tone down. I think we need to back up a little bit. Let's read that whole paragraph. It is probably true that you and your husband have been living too much alone for drinking many times isolates the wife of an alcoholic or the spouse of an alcoholic. Therefore, you probably need fresh interest and great cause to live for as much as your spouse. If you cooperate rather than complain, you will find that his or her excess enthusiasm will tone down. They're talking about the enthusiasm that we get for alcoholics and honors. Both of you will awaken to a new sense of responsibility for others. you as well as your spouse ought to think of what you can put into life instead of how much you can take out of it. Inevitably, your lives will be fuller for doing so. You will lose the old life to find one much better. So in actuality, I just read a couple more off the page just by reading that one paragraph. So, if you're following along on the sheet, let's go to number 25. The first paragraph of page 120. It's towards the end of the paragraph. Second to last sentence. You need not remind him of his spiritual deficiency. Whoops. He will know of it. i really don't think i need to comment comment much on that one i mean that's that's just kind of cut and dry and you'll notice where that comes from for me this is one of the an important part of the book it's describing what we're supposed to do for your relapse it says earlier in that paragraph though it is infinitely better that we have no relapse at all as has been true with many of our people it is by no means a bad thing in some cases is your husband will see at once that he must redouble his spiritual activities if he expects to survive. So it's saying there that if we relapse, we need to redouble our spiritual activities. We need to perhaps increase how many meetings we're going to. We need go further along with the steps and more thoroughly, and we need perhaps to be working with more people and being more unselfish. Next sentence, cheer him up and ask how you can be still more helpful. great principle to practice in the home especially when your spouse or your children or your dog or whoever is just having a bad day try your best to cheer them up and ask how you can be more helpful and quite often the other person will say well, I just kind of want to be left alone okay, nothing wrong with that third paragraph I don't know where it is Thanks All the way at the bottom Larry says If a repetition Is to be prevented Place the problem along with everything else In God's hands A few lines up from there It says If he gets drunk Don't blame yourself God has either removed your husband's liquor problem Or he has not If not, it had better be found out right away. Then you and your husband can get right down to fundamentals. If a repetition is to be prevented, place the problem along with everything else in God's hands. That can also be a great principle, a great tool for a sponsor. And then 122, family afterwards. And I think when it says the family afterwards, it's after the person has started on a spiritual path after he's starting to live in the solution and now it's starting to talk about how to deal with the family situation six lines down from the top it says all members of the family should meet upon a common ground of tolerance understanding and love again they've repeated those a few times I believe it talks about patience and tolerance so others is our code earlier then paragraph 3 on page 123 it says at the end of the first sentence there the third paragraph but he should not be reproached which means criticized so that's a principle that we can practice then in 124 in paragraph 1 it talks about we grow by our willingness to face and rectify errors and convert them into assets I guess that's about half way into the paragraph that's another one of those mirror things that somehow I've seen that in the home as soon as I start working on myself all of a sudden everything just changes without the other person really having to do much of anything second paragraph he says it um that's actually the seventh time in this chapter that he mentions that our past even if we've had a low bottom is one of the most important things that we possess today because if a person has an extremely low bottom first of all that's that much more freedom than they can experience because it's that Much more that they can overcome by using spiritual principles and to move on and to change and to transform but also the lower a person's bottom is that's more people that they can reach by their message. That a person who has a high bottom perhaps can't relate to a person who has an extreme story. But somebody else with a low bottom and has an extremely story can reach someone else that has a low bottom in an extreme story. So sometimes just, you know, some people look at somebody who has a low bottom as a bad thing. But what the book talks about, and like I said, in this chapter alone, it mentions it seven times that our past can be the greatest asset that we can have, not only because there's more that we can overcome in ourselves, but that's more people that we can touch um, that we can affect by, you know, our story and by overcoming the things that we've overcome in our lives uh page 125, first paragraph um last sentence, we do talk about each other a great deal, but we we almost invariably or almost always temper such a talk with a spirit of love and tolerance. The next paragraph, another principle we observe carefully is that we do not relate intimate experiences of another person unless we are sure that they would approve. There's a very delicate line there. There is a? It was the next paragraph. It says, it's the first sentence of the next paragraph. page 127 the first few lines it's talking about the family should be thankful that they are sober and able to be of this world once more instead of focusing on some of the problems they're experiencing today which are probably a lot less harsh than before that maybe we can be instead of looking at the problems that exist today we can look at the things that we're experiencing we can feel grateful that there's been progress and that we're not living in the same problems that we had in the past. The next line, it talks about let the family praise the person who's trying to get over alcoholism, praise their progress. And then it talks about at the end of that paragraph it says if these things if they sense these things they will not take so seriously his periods of crankiness, depression or apathy which means indifference when which will disappear when there is tolerance, love and spiritual understanding so there's some more practices that we can practice more practices we can practice does that make sense? practice then 127 paragraph 2 it says he is not likely to get far in any direction if he fails to show unselfishness and love under his own roof that's also a warning it's interesting how easy it is for an hour at a meeting we can be really good people but then reality sets in and you know this is part of practicing these principles in all of our affairs. That's also a statement that can be turned to a question. Are we practicing unselfishness and love under our own roof? Or do we take the posture of well, when they're unselflish and loving then I'll be unselfdish and loving. Not always an easy thing to do. This isn't saying that we do that when the person deserves it. It says that we're supposed to be doing that. not always easy then in the third paragraph it says these family talks will be constructive if they can be carried out on without heated argument, self-pity self-justification or resentful criticism so again we can ask ourselves if we're doing that and it's talking that as each member of a resentful family begins to see their shortcomings and admits them to others, he lays a basis for helpful discussion. So these are starting to sort of talk about and get in there about what some of the problems that the family is having and that these discussions need to be without heat of argument, self-pity, self-justification, and resentful criticism. In the top of page 182, this one's pretty obvious. Giving rather than getting will become a guiding principle. Again, unselfishness and love. Again, thinking about me is a big part of the problem and thinking about you is a great part of it. It's a big heart of the solution. Also that's a promise because it's saying that this will begin to happen. That we're going to begin to see in our life that giving rather than getting will become a guiding principle. So there's a few things going on there. Paragraph 2 on page 130. it says nothing will help the man who is off on a spiritual tangent so much as the wife who adopts the same and spiritual program making a better practical use of it so it's saying that you know one of the couple might kind of go off spiritually, but the other in the marriage or the other one in the relationship can perhaps make sure that they stay rooted and don't let the pendulum go too far. And maybe as their example can help the person realize, you know what, I'm getting a little bit out of balance and I need to come back down to earth a little more. Page 131, paragraph 2. the first sentence there at the very beginning the couple ought to frankly face the fact that each will have to yield here and there if family is going to play an effective part in the new life so that's part of the giving and taking and that's part of the compromise that is part of a healthy relationship and it's also you know not only just not only you know a loving relationship but even a friendship which I guess is a loving relationship but not an intimately loving relationship hopefully not unless I guess I shouldn't take for granted same paragraph it says new acquaintances who know nothing of alcoholism might be made and thoughtful considerations given their needs so again unselfishness and love even if it doesn't have to do with alcoholism or people who are alcoholics the next page at the top each individual should consult his own conscience it's talking about, arguing about religion and what to do in regard to that it's the end of that first half of paragraph at the time last sentence there also you notice in that paragraph it talks about as non-denominational people we cannot make up others' minds for them. I've been at meetings where people spouted specific religious beliefs and religious leanings and the book again and again and Again talks about we just speak in general spiritual principles that are common to most religions that whether a specific religion is my own following that I have no right to force someone else to believe what I believe and that each person should consult their own conscience. The first paragraph there talks about we absolutely insist on enjoying life. It's five lines down. I love the way they used absolutely insist, you know what I mean? It's pretty much across the board. We all insist on enjoy enjoying life What's interesting about that statement for me is that i spent 30 years of my life having fun but not enjoying my life and that was why i drank because it allowed me to escape from the fact that i wasn't enjoying my wife and then i came here and i started a way of life that i did start to enjoy my life and that's why drinking just isn't an option for me today in this moment right now here and now because I really love the way I feel on the inside. So, am I looking to change that with any drugs or alcohol? I can bring about that the way I live my life. I don't have to look at it. I don' t have to looks outside myself to bring about that peace and contentment and that enjoyment. I can find it by the way I'm living my life today because of these practicing these principles in all my affairs and working on all the steps of trying to help other people and to try to grow spiritually. That same paragraph, it says, later on, it says we try not to indulge in cynicism over the state of the nations, nor do we carry the world's troubles on our shoulders. That's pretty much the next sentence. It's interesting how... Since the world evolved around me, I had to solve all the worldís problems, and now I just... It's interesting how the more that I try to work on myself, the less I notice other people need to be worked on. I just kind of leave them alone. The more I try and work on my spiritual growth and the more I work on changing me, the less that I notice the people around me and the ways they need to change. I have a full-time job just working on myself. That's an understatement. Welcome. Welcome. Again, you can see how powerful the principles are through these chapters. It's just unbelievable when they're drawn out in this way. It's really very beautiful. And for me, you hear practicing these principles is all our affairs. A little specific, what does that mean? And that's what we're pointing out here. This is what it means. In very specific, detailed ways. and it says the next paragraph so we think cheerfulness and laughter make for more usefulness that you know I put a question mark there I meant to put a P you know when somebody is cheerful and laughing a lot that makes us attractive you know people want that and will ask us how can you be that way then the last paragraph there the last two words it says let each family play together or separately as much as circumstances warrant something that I've always tried to implement with women that I went out with that had kids was why don't we one night a week shut the video games off, shut the TV off and just do something together as a family whether it's go see a movie together as a family whether it sit down and play some games together as the family whether it just sit down and talk about maybe some of the stuff that's happening in the family it doesn't have to be any one of those things every single week but why don't we just pick one day a week and just don't let anything interfere with that and make sure it's a day of the week that you know there's not something always perhaps there's a meeting that we always go to we won't have it on that night and why don'y we just take one night a week and just do something, you know, interacting with the family with no distractions, just enjoying each other's quality time, so to speak. And then page 133 at the top of the page says that we are sure God wants us to be happy, joyous, and free. Hold on a second. Well, I'm sorry. That's the top of 133. That's very next sentence. It says we are sure God wants us to be happy, joyous and free. So again, am I living that way? What's interesting for me is about the expression happy, joyous, and free I stole this from somebody at a meeting one time because that was the topic and they pointed out something for me that I thought was pretty important. What they said was that happy, joyous And free can be looked at as deeper and deeper levels. that perhaps when we first come to A we start to experience happiness a little bit more and then when we start experiencing the promises of doing the work, we become a whole lot more joyous, which is a deeper level of happiness. And then we get to sort of that ultimate goal of that freedom that we can experience. So you can look at that expression as a deeper and deeper level. Maybe we can experience all three of those in glimpses but for me, you can Look at those three words as a Deeper and Deeper level to the ultimate, which Is that freedom. freedom from self-sabotage freedom from other people affecting the way I feel emotionally freedom from alcohol running my life you know stuff like that so I officially stole it and I have no idea who the person was but I love it in that same paragraph it talks about avoid then the deliberate manufacture of misery but if trouble comes cheerfully capitalize it as an opportunity to demonstrate God's omnipotence incredibly powerful statement there that our low spots can be looked at as perhaps God trying to teach us a way of growing spiritually. My marriage breaking up has brought about some deep spiritual change in things I don't like about myself and in acceptance that I need to accept and respect that someone else no longer wants to be in a relationship with me. At first, that was an impossible concept and an impossible situation. But in trying to look at it as a lesson that perhaps life or God's trying to teach me, I've been able to use that as a way to grow and then I now have tools to pass along to someone else that may be in that same position and I can tell them how did I get through it and pull them through that you know God helped me and I've come closer to my higher power and my relationship with myself and not only that but now I have more and more tools to help people who are in the same situation to get them out of whatever they're in and then page 135 at the top of the page it says seeing is believing in most families who have lived with a drinker so again the last sentence there in that top paragraph from page 135 that the way our life is today so different and the way my family is today so different than the way it used to be is such a great example of walking the walk as opposed to just talking the talk and then at the end there It says we have three little mottos which are apropos, which are appropriate. Here they are. First things first, live and let live, easy does it. More principles that we can use. And notice that I've heard people say in regard to, perhaps I'm talking to people about how sometimes I take people through the steps real quickly, that they say, well, easy doesn't. You're supposed to do the steps slowly. And where this slogan came from was in regard in dealing with the family. That slogan doesn't directly criticize the way you go through the steps. Where that slogan came from was a principle that we can bring into our families in dealing mit personal relationships and stuff like that. That's where that slogan came form, not as a way to define how I work a program. Those are those two chapters. As usual, we ran over and can't go to Fresno but stay tuned what we'll do next week is if Bill's here we'll both do it, if not I'll try to bring out some of the highlights of two employers but do it from the perspective of not necessarily an employer because maybe most of us in this room aren't we're not an employer but what I found this chapter to be so helpful with is that there are many things that hook back into chapter 7 working with others it's incredible the similarities but I also think in some cases and by the way Hank P. Hank Parkhurst was the author of this chapter and in the packet this week Bill included is this Hank's story? Yes, it's actually two biographies followed by Hank's story in the first edition of the big book which was taken out because after about four years Hank went back out. But Hank did contribute a lot to our fellowship and to our program and And, you know, so some of the things he writes to employers are enhancement pieces, so to speak, for me with working with others. So when I'm working with a drunk, I also take tips and tools from this chapter as well. And it's been really helpful. Hank actually was a pretty incredible person in early AA because if it wasn't for Hank, the big book probably would have never gotten out. But that's a whole other day, a whole another topic and probably a whole nother workshop we could do on that. The Hank Weekend. Invite Bigger John, he'll speak for us. I talked to him last night. Not that the tape listeners need to know. Alright, so we'll do that stuff next week and thanks for letting us share. One thing that I just wanted to point out. See, I did have something profound to say. Yeah, I have something to add too. You don't have enough to say? Here's an extremely powerful exercise we can all try. And if you have a spouse, I suggest you try it with him or her during the next week. And that's to take the sheet with all the principles from chapters 8 and 9. And by the way, I'm stealing this also. So this was first suggested to me from a friend named Dave who does a lot of stuff like this. And to take this sheet with the principles from chapters 8 and 9 and not just read the statements, but turn each statement into a prayer and share this with your spouse. Kathy and I have done this before, and we've done this a couple different ways. every other one you can read and let your spouse read every other one, you can split them up into groups of five or ten or however you want to do it but I'll be darned if that every time my spouse and myself did this together, it just or every time we pray together for that matter it just builds a bond, an intimacy if you will and something else I learned from Dave is that we can break up the word intimacy into into me see and when we're sharing spiritual principles with each other I see into her and she sees into me and it's incredibly spiritual practice it's an incredibly spiritual experience so I would highly recommend doing that Go from top to bottom with these principles. Turn each one into a prayer. And also practice some mindfulness and try to, when you read these and pray these in the morning, try to bring them into your daily activities. One of the ways you can do that is maybe just pick one for the day. Today I'm going to practice patience and good temper and kind of have that as your affirmation. I'm currently using a new meditation book that I never used before and one of the things that it talks about is a daily affirmation and I try to remember what that says although I can't remember today's but I try and remember what it says and bring that throughout my day. So the same can apply to these. how I was using these principles was when I'm in a relationship which I'm not currently so I'm available no, I'm just kidding that when I am in a relationship, how I use that sheet is each morning as part of my morning meditation because I read that whole entire sheet and it's sort of like the seven step card where not only is it the ideal that I'm trying to move toward but as I go through my day it's an affirmation of it keeps me aware of these kind of things and as I go through my day I can use them so that's something that I recommend for people that are in relationships or even that are not but just want to grow along these lines to read this each morning there's only 51 it can be done in just a few minutes I read it with my meditations and my books and my prayer and all of that but it's been pretty powerful in a relationship and reading that every day and keeping in mind the ideals that I want to move toward as I go through my day.