Dry and Recovered – Threads of Recovery Workshop – Part 1 of 4 – Roy K.

And Debbie, if you'll unmute yourself after a moment of silence and do the set-aside prayer. Hi, I'm Debbie, and I'm an alcoholic. Lord, help me set aside everything I think I know about you, Lord. Everything that I thinkI know about myself. Everything thatI knowabout my fellows. everything I think I know about my own recovery for a much needed new experience in you Lord a new experience and myself a new experience in my fellows and a much needed in my own recovery amen thank you thank you so much Debbie and I am Debbie and I'm an alcoholic I forgot to start us off with that My Spready date is January 26, 98. And I always like going after Debbie because they go, I'm Debbie and I'm an alcoholic. No, I'm Debby and I's an alcoholic So I live in Prosper, Texas and I absolutely insist on enjoying today. You know, after we've lived where we've lived, thank God we've got today, you know? We've got all of you guys together And our first speaker today is Roy Kay from Florida. I'm doing this slow so he gets time to get his last drink in. We've all been there. And his article today is page 105, Move Ahead. It's over to you, Roy. Thank you. good morning am i on mute yeah all right can you hear me that would be a shame if you couldn't hear me all right good morning i'm roy i'm recovered alcoholic debbie thank you for asking me mike thank you für your service and everybody else who had their hands in on this i thank you for your service uh so you wanna you want to just go right into the reading first and then share Is that how you want us to do the meeting? Yeah. All right, I chose 105, Move Ahead. And it reads, excuse me, to spend too much time on any one alcoholic is to deny some other an opportunity to live and be happy. One of our fellowship failed entirely with his first half dozen prospects. He often says that if he had continued to work on them, he might have deprived many others who have since recovered of their chance. And then the second reading says our chief responsibility to the newcomer is an adequate presentation of the program. If he does nothing or argues, we do nothing but maintain our own sobriety. If He starts to move ahead even a little with an open mind, then we break our necks in to help in every way we can and the first reading was from Alcoholics Anonymous page 96 and the second reading was From a Letter dated 1942 and um I chose this because this is where I'm at today uh you know the um the reading uh for the last nine years what is it last seven years i have nine people who have 42 and a half years of sobriety and that's not me that's not my work all i did was three to six months in uh and sitting down and going through the book word by word um you know and i explained the book to them as the book was explained to me because i came in off the streets and uh i did not know how to read and then on top of that you want me to read proper english you know uh bill was a lawyer and uh the first paragraph is talking about bill you know when he got his answer in the hospital he ran around new york for five months trying to pull drunk so out of the gutter and off the bar and nobody was interested but uh that's because he was saying god god god and that kind of ties into how i came And I came in at 23, homeless, urinated, closed, eaten out of a dumpster. And I walked into a biker's meeting and it was a small meeting and they told me the truth. And, you know, I was enraged for the first three years of my sobriety. And my first sponsor's name was Bill, but I called him, oh no, Mr. Bill. And the poor guy didn't even get a chance. When he picked up the phone, I said, oh, no, mr. Bill, guess what happened today? blah blah blah so 20 minutes later i'm like bill bill you there bill can you hear me so i hear the phone sliding off the desk that's what he did he picked up the phone he put it down he walked away came back and he just said come on over he gave me the shovel he had seven of the biggest stumps i've ever seen and every time i threw that shovel in the dirt you know of course i i was cursing you know my ex the cops the judge my boss my neighbor the idiot from the night before at the meeting you know told me the truth you know and then i see my buddy eric and and you know oh no mr bill over there laughing now i'm cursing them too you know i was anything but happy and um you know i had a punishing god and uh you know that didn't work for me and uh you know the um what bill did was you know he just he just worked on my rage and what happened was uh i went to a meeting and there was pete he was another biker and he uh i'm huffing and puffing and i missed the bill he doesn't do anything for me and and he says hey roy how long has it been since your last drink and i'm using my fingers counting and i's like almost three years and and pete gave me this smirk and i'd still if i could only he was a little bit bigger than me And he was a biker, but he just gave me that smirk and walked away. And I'm like, you know, but I didn't even realize it's been three years. But so I moved out to Center Reach and that was in Babylon. And then I moved up to Center Beach and, you Know, I found Ben and Ben was my second sponsor. And he sort of kind of still is today. He's he's been my sponsor, Ben, for 25 years. And, you KNOW, Ben was the only one in the meeting who would talk to me. and um here i was eight years sober or eight years dry and uh the room was divided at the business meeting and they were yelling back and forth oh roy's interrupting the meeting oh we can't have roy here we gotta tell roy he's not allowed here oh and ben stuck up for me and then you know i had a suicide attempt eight years over and where he is dry and um you know instead of getting this aaa love you know ben uh gave me tough love and said roy you're gonna go on this retreat whether you can afford it or not you're going to do your fourth step and when you get back we're going gonna do the rest of the steps and uh you know i put that man just like my father you know I called my father from jail and he said well what did you do and i said dwi and he said you didn't learn from the first one maybe you'll learn from this one click you know so i i realized today i made these two men uh show me tough love and uh taught me how to give my son tough love um but uh i did i went on this retreat i did my fourth step as it is laid out in the book alcohol it's synonymous uh alcohol see we call it the big book so often we don't even know the name of the book and the name OF THE BOOK a librarian taught me this um the name of the book is alcohol because i went to the library and i said oh can you help me find the big book and she typed it in a computer and she's like oh there's no such book and i said oh i'm sorry i want the book Alcoholics Anonymous and she read this to me eight times oh you want the Book Alcoholics Anatomist this is the story how many thousands of men and women have recovered from alcoholism i wanted to choke her one i'm like lady yeah that's the book i want all right so i you know i went home and i looked at all my first editions because i have a collection And, you know, I realized the first printing said 100 men. The second printing said 2,000 men and women. And it progressed. And then in the first edition, ninth printing was the first one that said, you know, many thousands of men and woman. And that's what it's been ever since. But she's the one, the librarian was the one who taught me that. That's called the subtitle. So the full name of the book is Alcoholics Anonymous. This is the story how many thousands men and women have recovered from alcoholism. so recovered from alcoholism is in the title of the book so my sponsor made me put a question mark because at that point i did not know if i suffered from alcoholics which i do and um you know he said that if i do what these many thousands before me have done which is in the book you know uh i too could be recovered from alcoolism so now it's not only a subtitle But now that's that's the first promise of the book. So, you know, like I was saying before, I went on this retreat after my suicide attempt and I did my fourth step and then my sponsor and grand sponsor double teamed me and took me through the rest of the steps, which I thought was unfair. but unfortunately that's what i needed and um because it saved my life um so here i am today now august 4th 1992 is my sobriety date so uh exactly a month ago i uh thank god uh i celebrated 28 years of being reborn and that is my god-given sobriete date um what i can report to you is i have done everything wrong. I've done everything backwards and I've not followed 99.9% of the suggestions. Um, and what that's done to me every time was brought me closer to God. And, um, even when I'm trying to be good and do good and, you know, be of love and service, uh, Dr. Bob summed up our 12 steps with, uh they could be summed up by two words, love and services. And even when I try and be of love and service uh not only to my fellow alcoholics but you know out in the world with those other people um you know I'm making finer mistakes even you know um I got tired of making amends so I try and just be nice and be happy and try and help and give if I can and if not I try to keep my mouth shut and that was a big test when I moved down to Florida but I'll get into that one in a minute but you know God has blessed me with 28 years that I don't deserve and obviously my work down here is not done because I'm still here you know but I've experienced life you know and it hasn't always been my way, it hasn'T always been good thing. When life's good it's my way, when life's not good it's not going my way but I've experienced life, I mean I got married I got divorced. I had a daughter. My daughter's 25. You know, I'm 28 years without a drink, you know, and, uh, you know, she's never seen me drink, you know? And that's important to me. My son was two and a half, almost three when I, when I got sober. So, uh, he doesn't remember me drinking. Um, and these are gifts, you know, um, you know I had, uh my mother was an alcoholic and my mother tried to kill me at three months and six months old my father had told me that she abused and neglected me and that's what was physically beaten into me at six years old by my stepmother you know in between my step mother and i was in and out of foster homes so you can imagine the life i i had as a from the time i was born to the time I was 13 when I picked up that first drink you know so you kind of get a grip of my rage when i was 13 and picked up that drink so 13 to 23 um i did what i was taught you know the physical and sexual abuse and you know i gave back what was given to me but it was first you know 13 years of my life and um you know god gave me a second chance to have a life and today my daughter came to me like a month and a half maybe two months ago and said dad we're writing a living will and in fact if anything happens to us we want you to have the baby you know my granddaughter that granddaughter's three i have two granddaughters and uh i don't know i just you know from the person i was and the things i've done and and and the Things That Were Done To Me and and who i became when i when i was drinking and you know who who i am today it's it's it's just two different people it's just two different lives and uh i don't know that one really knocks me off my feet every time i share that because you know if i got what i deserved i'd be in jail for life or dead and um you know that was that was a gift and a half man it's this 25 year old coming to me saying you know you'll be sitting there with a cigarette butt hanging out of your mouth but you'll you'll be putting on your big boy pants and you'll be doing what you have to take care of the baby you know for my daughter to kind of use aa language you know it's i don't know i just uh i you knowit overwhelms me come on give me a second but uh you know i don' t know if you've had the childhood and and if you' ve done the things i've done to people and and you'd get a grip you'd understand why why it overwhelms m e that uh you kno w that they both of them trust me over both of the grandmothers you know that's to me huge you know says a lot about god doesn't say anything about me because uh like i said i fought this i fought the god concept i fought you the fellowship i didn't think it was going to work for me i thought i was different you know when you're six years old and you're physically beating into your head that you're no good you're a mistake god's gonna punish you you know i came in here with so many old ideas that i was operating on in the world and uh my old ideas came from you know my stepmother in the foster homes and you know those idea old ideas is how i my conduct is how I operated out in the and it just seemed to make everything worse and even with that when I came to AA and he told me you know there is a loving caring giving God that's gonna forgive you yeah not me and uh i'm living proof that that he is loving caring and forgiving because i'm sitting here with you people you know sharing with you so uh you know if he if heif god can operate and do things like that for me in my life he can do that he will do that for you and us if you let him and they always told me you know don't quit two minutes before the miracle happened and, you know, give God a chance and your way's not working. And, you know, but yeah, you know, my, my sponsor and grand sponsor, you know, when they took me through the steps, you know, I still have my first four step and it's got teardrops all over it, you know, to see, to see the wreckage, you know, the book says that we're tornadoes, the alcoholic, you know, and to see the wreckage that i uh that i created in such a short time 11 years of drinking you know that uh to see the people i hurt you know you know i didn't get no fifth step promises i went right into uh depression for a good 10 months after that i was fighting making the amends and uh how do you go to a woman in a family that i hurt and uh today that woman's her name is selena and uh today she's my best friend and uh I've known her since I'm 15 so that's what 36 years because I'm 51 so uh today that woman's my Best Friend and I'll call her first before I call my sponsor because today my problem is common sense I don't have any so I'll cool her for common sense you know um and uh you know for her to be my best friends she gets mad at me when I say she's my ex and you know i work with a lot of people and i call her and apologize for a lot of things out of the blue and not realizing that's re-hurting her and you know she said to me a long time ago stop apologizing you've done more than your fair share making your amends to me and i didn't think that was possible and uh that same family you know her mother and her husband of 24 years are the ones that are asking me to come up there for holidays in New York, you know. And I can't sit here and say God is not real and God's not operating my life because that would be a lie, you Know. And, you KNOW, when I work with people today, you KNOW it's the path to least resistance. You KNOW, it's whoever wants the message because I wanted this message, I needed this message but i didn't get it until i was willing to do it and that's that's what i learned based on my own experience so today i go where uh where i'm least resistant and uh you know when it says that that would uh deny another chance another another an opportunity to live and be happy i get that you know uh very big difference between wanting and needing and doing you know accepting and uh you know the bottom paragraph it describes my uh my responsibility you know like i said i came off the streets you know for me it was long island and it was the woods you know homeless you're in any clothes it wasthe woods you know i had an abandoned trailer for a while holes in the roof you know i had a box spring you know with holes and whatever but but i had it cooler so my drinks were cold so when you came over to my house you know the important stuff right i had my priorities straight right tin box you know got wet when it rained but you had cold drinks when you come over to mine you know and uh you know it's funny uh you You know, I sit down with people and I take them through to 184 pages. We start at the title page. You know? We start it at the first page. It's in a hardcover. It's the blank page on both sides. You know. And I heard it put better than the way it was put to me. To me, it was but what do you know about alcoholism? And I'm looking at the page both sides and I couldn't figure out the answer. My sponsor says nothing. I said, oh, okay. and then he says what do you know about recovery and again I'm flipping like and my sponsor nothing I'm like oh but I heard it put nicer nowadays the first blank is fully blank on both sides because they're telling me to have an open mind I didn't get the easy or soft away but excuse me pardon me but I like that easier soft away better than the way it was put to me you know but uh you know i was taken through the book word by word and the words were explained to me because uh like i said i know street slang i don't know english never mind proper english so um you know I sit down and I take people through the forwards you know, I take people through to the doctor's opinion and then I take people through 164 pages and like I said those those people is a testament to them and they're doing the work you know there's a sentence in a book twice you know it says if i have no uh anything uh there's no solution right it says uh if i have no other alternative what to pick up this simple kit of spiritual tools you know and then later on in in this chapter um 96 working with others it tells me that my job is to simply lay out this kit of special tools for your inspection and if you have no other uh opportunity no other choices but to pick up this simple let you decide if you want to pick out this simple kit of spiritual tools which i'm gonna lay at your feet you know and uh you know to have these people have 42 and a half years of sobriety you know that's that's them and their god you know what's between me and my god is right here in the second paragraph and it's my chief responsibility to give you an adequate presentation you know as it was presented to me you know and um that's my experience you know i had a guy come in here i moved down to florida after a divorce you know um and uh when she said to me uh carol her name's carol she has a name and uh i work for a lot of people and everybody says my ex like like it's my like a possession my ex you know they're like but uh i get a kick out of that but But when Carol, after 18 years, said she wanted a divorce, I picked up my three toy poodles and I said, everything's yours. She just looked at me. I said you can have everything. Whatever she didn't take, I sold and moved to Florida. And she wanted the dog. One dog, I said no. You want the divorce? Fine. I'll give you everything. We're not splitting up the dogs. It's either all of them or none. And they're mine. I said that's the only fight I'm giving you. you could have everything else but um when i moved to florida you know my delusion my belief system was i was going to find the people with 30 40 50 years that were gonna you know be my spiritual advisor my friend i don't know they're gonna be in a literature like me and that's not what i ran that's now what i run into first but uh so um you know like i said those people helped me because they they they got me closer to god you know and uh you know um you know when i when i work with people you know that's what they did there you know they helped me to maintain my own sobriety you know because i was i guess looking for a crutch the little king baby roy was looking for that crutched 40 year olds the 40 year sober people that i can lean on and rely on and false god i realize that now it's a i was putting a false god before god it was just in a in a sober form you know but uh you know i gotta laugh today at how much uh god operates in my life and uh without my cooperation at times by the way you know um you know But King Baby Roy he wants the blueprints you know and i want to i want To check it off you know I approve i like it i don't like you know then that's when i gotta live because i create my own pain by fighting you know and telling God what I think is best. And, you know, God's up there probably just laughing. Roy, I don't care what you think. And, it's funny because I was working with somebody, Brian, and how are you doing? He comes over. I'm like, how are your doing? I got a resentment towards my ex-wife. She stole my money. And I'm, like, oh man, the poor guy. We're getting ready to do step 10 and he's over here. He doesn't even get step one. You know, we went through step three And I'm like, Brian, we had this talk, though. You know, it's not your money. It was God's money meant to your family. I'm, like, the whole spiel. And he's, ah, rah, rah. Ah, I'm in a resentment. I'm self-pity. I'm into depression. And then he walks in the door. And as he's walking in the floor, all right, come on. You're going to teach me step 11. I'm Like, oh, man. I had to show him some tough love. I sent him home. He's still huffing about it. He's like, ah. I can't believe you sent me home. my mind too you know but i don't know listen uh i'm just grateful for uh for the sponsorship i had in the uh you know ben he's uh i'M GOING TO MESS THIS UP BEN IS UH 83 YEARS 82 YEARS OLD 43 YEARS OVER AND HE'S NOT DOING GOOD PHYSICALLY AND YOU KNOW HALFWAY THROUGH A SENTENCE YOU KNOW HIS MIND IS STARTING TO GO WITH THE BODY AND AND YOU NOW I'M LOOKING FOR A NEW SPONSOR DOWN HERE AND And when I go and ask somebody, I said to the guy, I think I want a healthy relationship. And he snapped at me, and he's like, oh, you're not in the fourth dimension. You're not plugged into God. And I'm like, okay, dude, you are not it. That's all I said. That's what I said myself. But, you know, it's funny because I tell Brian all the time, I don't care what you want, Brian. and i'm sitting here listening to me tell them my my answers and it's it's it's i i'm amused at how god operates in my life you know and it'S like and then i looked in the mirror and said you're an idiot right you're trying to run the show you're trying to play god telling god what you want you know you're telling him your plans and designs and uh you know in god's time it'll happen if he wants it to happen but i don't know it's uh it's funny though because uh you know it says if if the newcomer moves ahead even a little i break my neck you know path to least resistance you know something's up right there and you know and if not you know they just help me i don't care if you're 40 years or four days you know you know he you've helped me get closer to my god and i got uh i believe that's my experience that's that's the whole what the whole process is about and um you know i hope it's making me a better person and obviously with my daughter writing that living will that's it has made me the steps in god you know it's funny i was sitting there at 23 you know everybody says you know drink your bottom is when you stop digging well you know you remember your last drink my last drink was three years you know at 20 years old my uh selena came to me and said oh i'm pregnant i want you to quit alcohol quit drugs and and get a job and all right i had a three-year crack habit so i quit smoking crack i got a job the next day i couldn't i i couldn'T get out of that bottle for three years and um you know she left me and uh you know that uh my last drink was three years so you know it's hard to remember three years of drinking but uh you know my bottom wasn't to drink in my bottom i was drinking for three days and i mean i went through that, you know, you drink yourself drunk, you drink yourself sober. My bottom was when I was drinking for three days and didn't get nothing. No relief whatsoever. It was just me and all of me on me, in me, around me. And I looked up and said, all right there, big guy, if you're up there, please help me. And that was a punishing God I didn't even believe in. And, you know, I like Bill's story. He says, my new found friend today, God's my new found friend and even though people may not say so i talk to god all day long yeah i'm walking around living now in a 55 and over community and i'm talking to myself and you know i'm not talking to himself i'm Talking to God they don't know that they think i'm talking to Myself so good they think I'm a psycho so they're gonna stay away from me good i'm Talkin to God yeah i find that funny you know I find how this whole process of life uh works and a.a and the steps and i i find it amusing how god operates you know and uh you know i learned just as much from the guy with four days as i do from 40 years and uh you know some people won't like me just by walking in the room and some people love me and think i'm the other guy and some People will think i'M not so nice and don't want nothing to do with me and it's it's all it's okay today because i don't care what you think of me today what i care is what i think of you and uh wow that's an entire psychic change and what i care is if i'm if i'M BEING A MAN IF I'M BEIN' A GENTLEMAN AND YOU KNOW THE OTHER GUY YEAH OH I WORKED WITH THIS GUY IT WAS ABOUT A YEAR AND HE UH WE'RE GOING THROUGH THE DOCTOR'S OPINION HE WORKS HE CLOSES THE BOOK HE WALKS OUT THE DOOR AND SAYS I'M GONNA DO THIS MY WAY A YEar LATER HE COMES BACK HIS VEINS ARE POPPING OUT OF HIS NECK HE'S HE'S COMING UP on two years and he's he's just a hot mess and angry and enraged you know we go through the we went up to the 11th step and uh i give him a tape to listen to 48 minutes ah it's too long after some prompting he listened to the tape and he came back laughing he's like yeah he that guy said a handful of stuff that i you know and i'm like well that's why i actually listened to The Tape so then he turns around and says i don't need no sponsor i don' t wanna i don't need nobody telling me what to do and i'm just smiling you know but um yeah it's it's amazing because now he's trying this his way again and i hope and pray he makes it because he's entering his terrible twos and doing the terrible twas alone without somebody is not a comfortable place to be but uh i hope him pray for the guy because uh you know he's helped me he's help boy he helped me and that's funny because i think i'm actually helping the newcomer But, you know, every time I take somebody through the book, I'm learning. I'm growing. And if I'm not, I'M GOING. If I'm NOT learning and growing, I' m going. I'm going back towards that dream. And, you KNOW, I want to be a nice guy today. And if i can't love you and help you, I WANT TO NOT HURT YOU. And that's part of GROWING. I was told that's being a man, that's BEING A GENTLEMAN. And that'S, YOU KNOW, BEING AN ADULT. And, you know, at times I struggle with that because I want a handful of people where I could just be King Baby Roy and be a kid. And, You know, I get those moments when I'm in the recliner and, you Know, with a bowl of ice cream and, You Know, then I go to the meeting tomorrow. Well, now the meetings are closed, but, Youknow, one meeting I went to, I had ice cream on one side and toothpaste on the other. And I'm sitting there in the meeting laughing and I'm like, YouKnow, I never had it so good. you know it was the ice cream from the night before and it was a toothpaste from brushing my teeth before i went to the meeting and uh you know somebody with 40 somebody with 31 32 33 years comes up to me and says i can relate to that you know he goes you had me rolling when you were like oh no ice cream on one side and toothpaste on the other and you never had it so good you know and it's like yeah you know but um i don't even know where am i with time but uh but um yeah you knows life's good one minute all right uh you know life's good and uh you now i wouldn't trade it for the world you know um you know that was that i donno 56 57 you know a guy says i wouldn' drink even if i could you know You know, what God has given me through you to fellowship and through the steps and what God is back to God and what he's given me through my relationship with him. I wouldn't trade that in for a drink even if I could, you know, and just to be able to be of love and service to somebody. And sometimes that service is just keep my mouth shut. And that's when I come home from the meeting with a bloody lip because I'm biting my lip because I really want to give the guy piece of what i think and what i think is is my alcoholism you know it was taught to me that my third step was more than my thoughts it's my uh you know my thoughts my my feelings my perceptions and my judgments that's my alcohol isn't because when i got here i didn't know what was what and it was just all one big ball and you know a thought if i couldn't tell what the difference between a thought of feeling a perception and judgment it was juste all one big ball for me so that's what i had to give god in my third step and it took me that suicide attempt at eight years dry i don't want to say sober but eight years drive that's it took me to to finally learn this and pay attention and listen and you know that's when i said okay there big guy let's try your way not mine and uh you know all i could do is the best i can today and uh put one foot in front of the other and i make mistakes and i thank god for the for 10 11 because i clean those mistakes up as quick as i can and uh you know it's it's night and day it's two different lives you know the life i had before i was drinking in the life and after i don't know there's a line it says three pertinent ideas right and it says before and after you know i always thought it was before when drinking and after when sober but it's all it could also be before doing the steps and after doing the footsteps make clear three because both terms apply right you know before when drinking or before when before i did the steps and after when doing the steps then after when sober you know i am an alcoholic i can't manage my own life and uh i need a new manager and i am an alcoholic and no human power and god did and will if i continue to seek him and i'd like to close with that thank you all love you all have a great day Thank you so much, Roy.