Sex Inventory and Sex Ideal – Day in the Steps Workshop – Part 5 of 5 – Paige K.

All right, we're on the clock. Like we usually are with sex. Now about sex. I was just going to say before we launch into that, that this is a little bit different than what i normally do and with the fears one especially i really liked it i think it's very cool but i wanted to say if it doesn't i don't mean people who did it who go get drunk because they did it slightly differently or did it this way versus that way it's because you didn't do it at all so you know i i love finding new ways of uh of writing stuff different uh you know try stick as close to the book as i can this is a cool interpretation of that as was with resentment so i think this is great uh but yeah if you're like looking at oh that's not how i did it it's like that's fine it's not about any kind of perfection it's just about you know what did you actually do it you make your best effort at it because we're in mortal combat with our egos at this point so yeah now about sex and I am gonna turn it back over to Paige because she's gonna go through sex tonight you know I just like to kind of you know lie there I mean the directions for sex inventory super easy to find page 69 but if you've ever heard the joke about the confused spot see I just feel like I should lead with the confused it's a good one yeah so there's a spot see you know does that thing that that we all do you know oh falls in love and detox you know the the blue of their grippy socks matches the blue of their eyes you know like oh it's meant to be but the sponsee wanting to be a good sponseed goes to their sponsor and says hey I've fallen in lust um I'm willing I'm wanting to have a relationship with the sponsors like okay what I want you to do is I want você to go home have a read of page 69 it'll give you directions and so the confused sponsees goes all right good I'm going to be a good sponsor, I'm going to listen. Page 69, page 69, page, what was it, 96? Page 96. So if we pop over to page 96, it goes on to say, do not be discouraged. If your prospect does not respond at once, search out another alcoholic and try again. You are sure to find someone desperate enough to accept with eagerness what you offer. Which is why I like to be in the book with my sponsees, so they don't get super confused. Yeah, feel free to steal that. God knows I probably did. So as we get into bottom of 68, top of 69, what it's really saying is many of us needed an overhauling there. So if I'm somebody where this area of my life is especially troublesome, what I want to point out is that you are not alone. And the purpose of sex inventory is to develop a sane, sound, God-given sex ideal for our future sex life. We're not here to guilt anyone and shame anyone, and there's a reason why we look at sex. The reason is that thing happens if you're in a line-by-line meeting or what happened here. It's like, now about sex, and it's like... You know? It's awkward. It's uncomfortable. That's where most of our secrets are. That'S where the depth of our shame comes from. And so that, and that's where I have the greatest capacity to harm another human being, so that's why I got to look at it. And one of the things I want to point out, at the end of the first paragraph on 69, we all have sex problems. We'd hardly be human if we didn't. Not alcoholic, human. Andso we're going to avoid hysterical advice that we're not going to be on the straight pepper diet, and we'renot going to lie back and think about baseball, or if that's what you want to do. It's up to you, Brian. No kink shaming. Yeah, no kink shaving. I have that vine in my brain like, that is my kink. No! So none of that. What we're here to do is develop a sane sound ideal for a future sex life. And so where I get the columns from is that first full paragraph or that second full paragraph right in the middle of page 69. and it says we reviewed our own conduct over the years past where had we been not had we been but where had We've been selfish dishonest inconsiderate whom had we hurt did we unjustifiably arouse jealousy suspicion or bitterness where were we at fault what should we have done instead and just how I've how I ve been taught and how I continue to organize it is in column one is the name is who did I hurt right and so we want to look at things like our past relationships our current relationships our past spouses we want to look at things like drunken hookups i know no one's had those uh we want a look at you know the people that we slept with for money the people that we sloughed with for booze the people we slought with for drugs the people who we slept with for accommodations the people whom we slughed with uh for a sense of worth and value and validation we want have a look it can be helpful and I want to be very clear I'm not taking this this sort of Puritan sort of view, it can be helpful to look at how we engage with things like pornography and sex work to see if it's God-given. You know what I mean? I'm not the arbiter. I'm nicht telling anyone what they should do, but it's helpful to have a look at these areas of our life to see si wir in line. You know, Tinder, Grindr, some of these websites, some of diese Apps, helpful to see se ob es Gott gegeben. No harm in inventorying. But if I'm not sure who should go on my sex inventory, we have a test and it's was it selfish or not? And listen, I've been sponsoring long enough to know if you were both selfish, it's selfish. Write it down because inevitably that. But what if they're both selfish? Write it done because the point of this is to develop a God-given sex ideal. So the second column I have is where are we at fault? And it looks a lot like column four. Where were we at faults? And there's this beautiful, like, transition that happens as I go through inventory. Because who am I going to resent? I'm sure no one here ever resented an ex or two. But I'm going to resentment all my exes. And what are some driving fears that I have? Now, I'm not sure many of you guys can relate to this, but fear of being alone. Fear of being in a relationship. Fear of sex. Fear of intimacy. Those are different. Took me some inventory to learn that. You know what I mean? You know, fear of communication in a relation. You know What I mean. So we want to have a look at it, but where were we at fault? And that's going to look a lot like the fourth column in resentments. Where did I cause harm? And I'm just going to throw out some examples. I'm sure no one can relate to this. But I was a raging alcoholic and in no position to be in a relationship and I was taking hostages. I'm Sure That's Just Me. And you know, how do you tell when an alcoholic is on their second date? They got their two garbage bags full of crap in the driveway, you know? It's not like the U-Haul joke. I don't have enough stuff for a U-Hall. I was kicked out of treatment, you know what I'm saying? Right? And so, like, I dive in. I go way too fast. And as a result, I avoid red flags. I'm sure I'm the only person here that relates to being codependent and making the other person God. And you know, what happens, I make them God, but then, ugh, gross, they're human. And so I've got to boot them out of the God chair. I've gotta go sit in it and fix them so they can get back to fixing me. I'm Sure I'm The Only One. We can look at things like infidelity, that lack of communication, that selfishness, that inconsideration, looking where we've caused harm. Now I also want to look at before the relationship as I was getting in maybe by dishonest motives. I want to Look at during the relationship but I also Want to Look At after the relationship. Ghosting is not cool. I had to make amends for that, you know what I'm saying? So that's what I'm looking at and then in the third column, now I like to work column two and column three for sex together. It says, where was I selfish, dishonest, and considerate? And that's where I can expand and explore the areas of selfishness. You know, was I only thinking about myself? Was I not considering the other person? Did I have that, you know, I'm only in this relationship about what I can get. The dishonesty can look like, man, I don't have hard conversations. I'll avoid hard conversations, I'll wear masks, and I'll put up walls and pretend to be somebody that I'm not, so you like me. I don't know about you, but I will contort myself to be somebody I'm not just so you don't leave, you know? And of course, dishonesty can look like things like infidelity and emotional affairs and that sort of stuff. When we look about unjustifiably arousing, so unfairly creating jealousy, suspicion, or bitterness. Now there's three people-ish that I can create that in. So I can created that if I'm cheating on my partner, that would create that in my partner jealousy suspicion or bitterness if I'm engaged in somebody who's already in a relationship that would be for their partner jealousy suspicion or bitterness but I'm also an incredibly insecure human being and will tie my little value and worth clause to them and I'm sure nobody's checked their partner's phones you know what I mean like and I will create that within myself and those are some of the places that I can look at. Now the prayer that I get is, God please, and I always say please, you don't have to, but God please mold my ideals and help me to live up to them. And that fourth column is a lot of like what we did in fears where I swap it. So I mean if I was in no place to be in a relationship, my partner was in No Place to Be in a Relationship, so here's a quick one. All parties need to be physically, emotionally, and spiritually available to be in a relationship. If I was a drunken mess, I've got to be sober. And how I'd be sober is I need to be fully engaged in the 12 steps as a way of life. You know, if I'm codependent, what do I got to do? I gotto be God dependent. I've gotta actively and intentionally seek my value and worth from God and channel it to others. Ive got to build trust, love, connection, communication over time. I'v got to practice discernment, which is again using our judgment without being judgmental. and if I was selfish, dishonest and considerate, I need to be selfless honest, especially when it's hard and consider it if I created jealousy, suspicion or bitterness I've got to cultivate love trust, connection, communication over time if I've ghosted, I've got to communicate at the end of the relationship. Do you know what I mean? Stuff like that and from there from that fourth column, those patterns those things that I see that becomes my sex ideal And what I do with my sponsees, because it talks about, like, I can't live up to ideals on my own. I might have moral and philosophical convictions galore. I've got a galores-ful. That's not how we use that word. But I can live up to them. So what do I do with my esponsees when I receive their fifth step? Because I sit with them, we'll talk about this, but I sit mit them as we do step four, and we really do it together. I'm codependent, but it gets done. You can't leave. Write it down. uh listen you can run away it's not like you go up a flight of stairs i'm not going after you you're fine you know but what i'll do is i'll write what i hear them say their sex ideal is and then what we'll do ist we'll turn it to prayers and i take that sex ideal and i pray it on a daily basis god may i be fully god please may ibe fully dependent and reliant upon you may i seek from you my sense of worth value security safety connection and affection and may I share that with others? You know, things like that. And you see, the thing about a sex ideal, now bear with me, I'm just going to say this, it's a little like a resume. Do not print it off and give it to them. No, don't make it your Tinder profile or do, I don't know. I'm not going to tell you what to do. But what I mean by that is it's meant to change. It's meant to grow. So the sex ideal that I have when I'm single is going to be different. There's gonna be some key elements for sure but it's gonna be different than when I'm in a relationship or ten years in a relationship for 20 years married and when I've been a relationship with somebody I need to continue to do this inventory and update my sex idea and there's some stuff I'll start living up to you know and then and then it gets to grow from there so I think I think that's what I'll say for that and over yeah no that's good like that what she said yeah uh yeah it does go on after that to talk about you know how much we engage with with god in this right that our sex powers are god-given whatever our ideal turns out to be we must be willing to make amends for harms done meditation we ask god what we should do about each specific matter the right answer will come if we want god alone can judge our situation counsel with others often desirable so it's a good conversation to have with a sponsor but we let God be the final judge and it's this part isn't easy you know we have habits we have patterns we've done this for a long time are we going to fall short absolutely we're going to fall short and what does it tell me about that am I going to go get drunk it says it depends on your motives you know if you're sorry for what you've done you want to have an honest desire not just what you tell other people but you what you really want in your heart uh to go to better things it'd probably be all right but if you don't and you keep harming people then you're quite sure to drink this is a very potent area you know so it tells me again i'm going to earnestly pray for the right ideal for guidance in each questionable situation so it's not oh i prayed when i did my inventory and we're all good it's like no i have to continue and as i meet people when i meet her coming out of the group and uh you know the light shines off her wristband um that that's how i'm gonna ask god you know like hey is this a good idea god like i mean i may still do it and and do the wrong thing but at least if I'm trying to be obedient right I'm trying to get better I'm try learn more than then and and then it tells me again if it's very troublesome I'm gonna throw myself the harder into helping others and and Alcoholics Anonymous is a great place to do that you know if you show up here there are all kinds of alcoholics around here that you could help so lots of lots of work to be done in the air in that area and something I've learned myself about this in in the inventory and in the ideal especially is I also get to consider what kinds of things are important to me so it's not just about what earlier on my sort of ideals were very much based in like oh I'm going to be this I'm gonna a meme like I'm gonna do this is what I'm to look like in a relationship which is very important but what I didn't think much about was like well what am I okay with in someone else in a relationships because I actually get to pick that like I get to decide if somebody is someone I want to be in a relationship with and if i sort of ignore what i really want then i'm headed for for some trouble there as well so it's worth kind of looking and it's not about being controlling like oh my inventory says you have to do that it's more about you know like i wouldn't want to be in a relationship with someone who who drank alcoholically or someone who lied all the time or someonewho you know it would be it's important for me to to have someone who's spiritual who has a spiritual path maybe not the same one that i'm on but something those things are important to me so I get to consider that as part of this as my ideal is all you know who do I want to be a relationship who do i want to be in a relationship with and then you know you put all that together and you're happy forever no need for any further no need no you keep working at it so yeah that's the end of four lots of good work lots of good writing lots of direction like I said this is a great format there's other ways to go about it as long as you're obedient to the book listen to your sponsor if we say something that disagreed with your sponsor probably listen to your sponsor um and just do it that's the most important thing is that you said about it and then what are you going to do with this inventory you've written we get it our next step is we're going to admit to god to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs i'm going to i'm gonna jump to 75 but then i'm also going to backtrack a little bit after that so the specific direction in 75 as we pocket our pride and go to it illuminating every twist of character every dark cranny of the past pretty simple direction i mean what it kind of looks like at least the way that do it in my lineage is to you have your four step you get you know uh two weeks ten days to write it and say hey go write your inventory let's make an appointment for you to come back and we're going to sit down and you're going gonna read it and that's how you're gonna illuminate every twist of characters every dark granny of the pass is to read all this stuff uh that you wrote down usually say a little prayer to invite god into the room with us uh to help open our eyes and see the truth of this stuff um and and then and then go through it um and then it gives me some there's some sort of promises and then further an hour described after that um i guess we can go back to the other stuff later so that's what it looks like for us like I found in hearing fifth steps it's very it's it's different you know sometimes there are things that come up all last questions like oh what about that didn't you say that sometimes people will miss that the thing they're mad about is the thing that they're doing to everybody else like so it's you know those kinds of things may crop up as part of the conversation but I do get direction I'm prepared for a long talk it's a life and then death there and that I know kind of what we're about here and we have an appointment and go through it. I don't know, do you want to say anything about that before we move to the promises part of it? Oh yeah, yeah, I'll be quick. What I want to point out is, so we're getting in the chapter into action, which is rude because I'm like, where's the nap? Which we do get a quiet hour, you know? It's coming, it's coming. Your hour's coming now. Yeah, and so as we get into the fifth step it talks about started the 72 into action right we've made our inventory what shall we do about it now i'm just emphasizing this is what we're trying to do with the steps we have been trying to get a new attitude a new relationship and that is a synonym for a spiritual awakening that's what i need with our creator and to discover the obstacles in our path that's what we'RE TRYING TO DO and then it goes on to give us why why do i have to do a fifth step the best reason first. If I do not do this, I am likely to drink again. That's the best reason, right? And we got some other ones. Um, and then it goes on on page 74 to really like, okay, who could I do a fifth step with? I want to emphasize that this was written when this book went out solely to carry the message. I might be an alcoholic alone in Calgary or Hamilton and not know a single other sober alcoholic. In 2024, some of this is not applicable. Please do not do your fifth step with your wife. If you could get a doctor to sit with you for more than 15 minutes, I mean, do not doing your fifth up with your doctor or your parents or your parents, you know, we can do it with our sponsor. And if you don't want to do with your sponsor. Heck, we're just out of the Zoom era. I mean, you could do it with another alcoholic from around the world. Do you know what I mean? So that is who we can do the fifth step with. And so two things. One, when we look at admitted, right? Admitted to God, to ourselves and to another human being, the exact nature of our wrongs. The exact nature over wrongs is going to be the same thing as our defects, as our shortcomings. But that word admitted. So there's two ways to look at the word admitted one is a bit of a confession. You know, I have to admit that I stole your car, slept with your husband, and peed on your carpet. You know? I've got to admit that. I'm starting to think you really did that. That's not normal. Gosh, cut my back. So that's one way to look at admit. Another way to looking at admit is like let's say we got to go to a Thai Cats game and the Thai Cats are playing the Stampede or sports, and we all got tickets for it. And what would it say on that ticket? It would say admit won. so another way to look at the word admit is to let in to let in God and another human being yeah and that's what I'm trying to do now you're going to go into the promises I'm going to come back to this after yeah I was going to do the Missy Elliott promises so I was gonna leave you to the promises the fifth step promises and I was going to be the Missie Elliott promises he's like yeah yeah like he knows what I'm talking about it'll be great. It'll be great. I'm so sorry and let me know if I can hold off on the Missy Elliott cool, cool y'all remember Missy Elliot and in the early 2000s she had that song like reverse it, you know, you got a big boop, let me search it like you got to big book, I'm sure that's what it was, let my search it for clear cut directions on how to recover I'm sur that's what she was talking about and in that song she like reversed the lyrics And so on 73, top paragraph of 73, we have what I like to call the Missy Elliott promises. Nobody else calls it that, so don't, you know, like go to your sponsor and be like, the Missie Elliott promises, and when they're baffled and confused, you can blame me. So it talks about how they took inventory all right, but they hung on to some of the worst items in stock. So here they are. They only thought they had lost their egoism and fear. They only thought they had humbled themselves, but they had not learned enough humility, fearlessness and honesty in the sense that we find it necessary until they told someone else all their life story. That's the fourth step. So let's Missy Elliott, let's flip down, flip it and reverse it. If I do this fifth step and if I am searching and fearless and I let that light into all those dark crannies, I will lose my egoism and fear. I will humble myself and I will learn an experiential learning, a knowing of humility, fearlessness and honesty. So those are the Missy Elliott promises. Nice. Thank you. I knew that's what you were going to say. Oh, he knew. He knew. We go way back. So then here's some more promises if you are thorough, if you have illuminated every twist of character. Once you've taken this step with holding nothing, we're delighted. We can look the world in the eye. We tend to be alone at perfect peace and ease. Again, there's that piece, right? It's that same deal in three where it's like stuff I could never imagine happening for me is again referenced here. Our fears will fall from us. We start to feel the nearness of our creator. May have had certain spiritual beliefs, but we now begin to have a spiritual experience. The feeling the drink problem has disappeared will often come strongly. We'll feel we're on the broad highway walking hand in hand with the spirit of the universe. So think back to the day or the week before you got here, before you started engaging in this stuff, Before, you made a third-step decision. Before, what did your life look like? Could you be alone at perfect peace and ease or were you coming out of your skin all the time? Are your fears falling from you or are your anxiety driven by fear? Spiritual beliefs now begin to have a spiritual experience. This is where this stuff really starts to transform and I often observe that the way in which we talk about this changes too because there's a lot of technical sort of approach to the earlier stuff but then when you get into five six seven like it's it starts to become very experiential it's sort of a lot harder to talk about you can only sort of say like oh well you know this is kind of what happened and it kind of looked like this and it kind looks different for everybody but we something does begin to shift at this point uh in the what i shared earlier about the my idea of power you know is like there's something i don't know what it is i'm just gonna do the steps and see what happens it's like this is where it starts to turn into something there is something more that I there is something bigger even if it's just sitting with another person and admitting this stuff that I was planning to take to the grave and even when I was playing to do the fifth sub I'm like well I'm not gonna tell them I don't want to talk about those things but then it just comes out as you're as you were sitting there doing it and and there's a you know you share it you're you're not the only one anymore probably your sponsor started some even worse stuff with you maybe to get you to talk but it does start to transform into something else and something you couldn't really imagine uh the feeling the drink problem has disappeared will often come strongly is again incredible right like imagine that like think about the week before like what's the only thing you're thinking about is is is booze and how are you going to get it or how are going to out of trouble for having got it uh you sworn off i'll never do that again and then you meet your buddy downtown who happens to be going for a drink and then that's all you can think about to have that start to go is it's almost unimaginable for how we live uh and we feel on the broad highway walking hand in hand with the spirit of the universe i will say though even if this doesn't happen exactly like this at this moment it's we just keep going right like we're on a path we're on we're in a path through these things these things do show up uh so it's not like oh i did my fifth step and i didn't feel anything it's like okay that's not the end of the world still just keep you know persevering with with all of this and these things do become uh they do start to realize in your life um and then you're going to return home yeah for an hour here's your hour here's first time reference right you know there is no no reference like chill or wait two months or two years or any of that kind of stuff it's actually more like launch than immediately desperate and drowning and words like that but here we get to have a break right we just sit at home and chill for an hour oh no we don't we have to do something returning home it's almost like this chapter is into action oh so annoying uh returning home we find a place where we can quiet for an hours you know a room as I sit down in my office normally carefully reviewing what what we have done well what have you done well you wrote an inventory you've got a massive stuff you've had a fifth of you had a conversation there may be some things that came out of that you may have written some things down uh you're going to look at that you're going to consider it we thank god for the from the bottom of our hearts that we know him better uh through through this process i love that admit right we're being admitted to the to the realm of the spirit taking this book down from our shelf we turn to the page which contains the 12 steps page 59 uh carefully reading the first five proposals we asked we omitted anything so we're building that arch to which we shall walk a free man at last and then these this is like these last questions are are you sure are you sure are you sure are you sure are you sure are you sure considering that so to go back to like are you sure because it told me in my inventory the only thing that counted was thoroughness and honesty and as marty likes to say it's not even accuracy it's just did i put it all down you know was it did i edit myself did i did i leave something out i didn't want to write about it was i dishonest about it? Did I gloss over something? Is that true? Consider the 12 steps, you know. Have I admitted I'm powerless over alcohol? Do I know what that means? You know, have I, that my life is unmanageable? Do i know whatthat means? Have I come to believe there's a power that could take me past this? DoI do I believe that? Have i made this decision? Youknow, it's just sort of like, it'sjust checking to say okay like we're gonna move forward here but have you been thorough in these things is your work solid or the stones properly in place have you skimped uh on the cement put into the foundation have you tried to make mortar without sand um my and it's so if you can answer that you're going to move on to six my experience with that the first time was that i i hadn't been i was reading my inventory and uh there was an uh a line that it had some i can't remember what the actual resentment part was but it was around some shoplifting and i would and into my mind goes oh don't say that that's really embarrassing that was the thought and i just jumped over to the next one and i kept going and it was by no means the worst thing i had uh in my inventory uh and yet just that one might it just popped in don't see that that um and and then i kept and at the end of it i kind of felt like i'd gotten away with it because we're you know we're hugging and oh go you know go do your go do your fifth step go do your hour and i'm reading this stuff and i'M reading these lines like are you sure are you sure ARE YOU SURE ARE YOU sure and i turn to the next page it's like if you can answer your satisfaction and I couldn't i couldn't answer to my satisfaction because in that moment my ego had come in and and that's the part that you read i had i not and so what i did is i called my sponsor and i said hey i left something out and he said oh okay what is it and i told them and he said okay anything else no he says okay off you go you know like he wasn't he wasn t bothered about it uh and i had just but had i not right like what does it tell me you read it i only thought i'd lost my egoism and fear i only thought i had humbled myself but i had not learned enough of humility and fearlessness and honesty in the sense that it's necessary you know having persevered with the rest of the program they wondered why they fell you know if i skip this vital step i might not overcome drinking again like i'm i'm in for all of this like i cannot have these path measures my my stage character jumps in on me there right like that i present i'm presenting the stage character to my sponsor and it doesn't include me being someone who shop lifts and so my ego like grabs onto that with fear oh no no don't say that one you know it doesn't it doesn'T want me doing this my ego is not interested in this work it wants to be powerful it wants to be in control and and every time i every line everything that i'm saying everything that I'm doing it's losing ground um and and so to to i i'm i mean i'm glad that it happened the way it did because you see the power of that like such a small inconsequential thing and then you know like a year later maybe i go back out i don't know um but the the power that we're up against the power of that ego trying trying to come in and and block it up you know wreck it so that's like i think it's so important i'm so glad because that's what did it to me was that is your work solid are the stones properly have you skimped on it how you know and it's just are you sure are you Sure, Are you sure? Are you Sure? And if you're sure you can move on. And that's not to say you know, I've written things down in inventory years later that I can't believe didn't come up sooner. You know, like something pops up like even even in my last I was like where is that like that should have been there that's crazy but it wasn't I never thought of it and did it put it down so it's not about perfection it's just about that you attended to what was there and and you're honest about it um I think a lot if we're good to move on to six but the last thing I'll say that I it's hard to convey here uh as this setup for six but is a lot easier on the heels of five having written your inventory haven't sat with yours with your sponsor having gone through all of this stuff is the desperation that that takes us into six like when we're going into six and seven we're going to the power and we're asking the power to to help us with this stuff and it's it's having been crushed by the self-imposed crisis that has now been written out in pen and paper pages and pages hours of conversation I now see the truth of what living a life based on self-will has wrought has the harm I've caused to the to the people I love and who loved me the destruction that inconsideration the the just that total mass my life is on my own power is is just on me it's right in front of my face and so when I'm going into into into six and seven it's with that recognition and that this is who I am I couldn't have been any different than I was and I won't be any different living on my own power so I must have this I must have this transformation I cannot be that person anymore cannot be that liar and the thief and the cheat and I don't want to be that anymore and so that is the the you know the desperation of a drowning man to to bring from five into six it's like we're not it's not an intellectual exercise it's kind of what it it's almost because we're not writing it right now that is not the feeling but when you're sitting there with it it's it's very powerful and it it should be heavy like it's heavy it's like you have not i thought it was a great guy you know and it's like no i wasn't so great after all so that's the kind of mind to bring into six it's not an intellectual consideration it's an absolute act of desperation that that god could come and do something about this so if we can answer to our satisfaction we then look at step six yeah would you like to look at step six absolutely i love step six oh it's so good uh so if we could answer to her satisfaction so we've answered those questions now a thing i go back to quite hard just a mo just a moment i also like asking not just myself but asking god you know it says we ask and I say that all the time every time it says we ask that's a prayer so asking God and waiting just to see if there's anything I'm led to yeah I just love that if we answer to our satisfaction we then look at step six we have emphasized willingness as being indispensable so we got fired those of you who were in the morning you got your pink slips fired for the management position of our life and then we got an employment contract we signed that we went to work it was house cleaning and we're like oh man i did all that house cleaning i did a fifth step quiet hour so we get a promotion well not quite i get moved to the willingness department that's where i get moving relocated to willingness and it says uh we have emphasized willingness as being indispensable so what i need is buckets of willingness and what i will say and it's what you were alluding to and really just saying is that six and seven is prime willingness real estate do you know what I mean I am never more willing for God to remove my defects of character which are same thing for me as my shortcomings then right after I spent like all this time sharing about how it's ruined my life and the lives of those around me and right before I gotta go make amends for all that you know I it is prime willingness real estate so I'm never more will in the right and step six. And it says, are we now ready to let God remove? And this is important for me. God is doing the removal. I'm not doing it. Defect removal is upper management and I was fired for upper management. Gross incompetence. We got our pink slips. So God is the one that is doing through the removing. My job is willingness. And It says, Are we now ready to let god remove all the things which we have admitted are objectionable can he now take them all every one and that's a question i get asked myself am i willing like honestly that's when i'm the most willing but what about all of my dishonesty all of mine people pleasing that we described as not people pleasing approval seeking you know self-seeking when even when trying to be kind am i unwilling for god to take all of that because i'm afraid who will i be without that. And here's the thing, the book meets us where we're at time and time and time again. If not, it's not like boo, you suck, go home and feel bad or you're a bad alcoholic, gross. It says if we still cling to something we will not let go, we ask. We ask God to help us be willing. So if I'm ever struggling with willingness in six and seven But in any area of 12-step, if I'm struggling with the willingness, what can I always do? I can always pray for willingness. And there's kind of a twofold thing to that is if I am willing to pray for willingness, I'm already willing. But if I're not willing to prayer for willingness, I'm in trouble and see that's what I mean by momentum, that momentum can grow. Now, I was working with this sponsee when we were talking six and seven. And she was like, man, but Paige, what does being willing look like? you know? And for me, it goes back to Bill's story. At the end of Bill's story, he talks about a price had to be paid simple but not easy. It meant destruction of self-centeredness, which I'll point out like, man, don't I want to do it? I wantto do the ego deflation. I wanto do the defect removal. You know what I mean? I wanna do it. Why? Because it feeds my ego. I will turn ego deflation into ego feeding. Look at how humble i've become you know but it goes in bill's story it goes on to say i must turn in all things the capital f capital l father of light who presides over us all so for me that willingness looks like seeking to do god's will in each and every situation when i do that i'm willing forever dishonesty to go when i did that i am willing for that temper to go when i'd do that I'm willing for my way to go I'm willing to do another way that is that's how that works for for somebody like me um yeah i think that's what i'll uh you know what oh nope sorry nope over to you okay all right yeah no i think that's it and you don't hang around right you're not going to hang around here you ask and then you go on to the next part when ready we say something like this my creator now willing you should have all of me good and bad because i don't know i have no idea i think if we've learned anything about me is i have a terrible sense of what's good and bad i pray you remove from me every single defect of character little caveat which stands in the way of my usefulness to you and my fellows grant me strength as i go out from here why to do your bidding again not about me not so i can go and have a great day having done all this stuff and feeling better no it's to it's to fit me to be of maximum service is to fit mean to be helpful to god and to god's kids and that's what i'm asking for uh through this prayer and again it's on that desperation it's on that on the heels of you know the the inventory all this destruction like hey do you really want to keep living this way and it all this stuff goes back to step one you know do do i want to live or die do i Want to Live or Do I Want to Die an Alcoholic Death Because That's What We're Talking About That Hasn't Changed Because We've Been Asked to Do Some Stuff We're Still Up Against that we always are and so that asked this this six and seven it's very quick we're not hanging around and here I'm going to take some Chuck I don't know if people will be upset with me maybe usually Marty is the one who people get upset at so maybe it'll be you the I don' t work on my defects I don''t work on my defense it doesn't say okay chill here start working on your defects and maybe we'll think about those amend thing later on no I don'T I DON'T stay if I could have done anything about my defects of character wouldn't I have done it wouldn't i have done it if i could have been more honest if I could have not heard all the people if I never woke up once in the morning and thought today is the day I'm gonna wreck everything today is the day i'm going to kick the shit out of everybody who loves me I'm going to tear them to shreds I that is my plan and at the end of the day well that went great and I've never done that but I have ended the day having done that never wanting to do it so if I could be any different if I could have acted any different then I don't know I'm a psycho I'm addict right we talked about you need dicks anonymous if that's the case because you're a dick but if you are powerless and your life was unmanageable and that's what happened if you were driven and that what happened that's with this is for that's what this program is for and so i'm i'm going to come to god i'm going to ask him to take this from me and the way this stuff is going to get removed is coming up in eight nine and ten eleven and twelve i move forward through the program things start to fall away things start to come off not because i did anything about it you know i don't have any power to change this i never have if if i could have won out against my ego i would have a long time ago you would have never seen me here i wouldn't have needed it but i need it because despite my best efforts, I have never been able to do anything about it. And so I come out of that five, I'm crushed. I ask God to take this from me because he must. If he doesn't, like what? I'm done. I'm screwed. And just that caveat that he will remove the defects of character, but some of them maybe will be useful. And I seem to have kept a couple. I don't know about you, But I seem to have kept a couple of defects, some things I've struggled with over the years. And it seems that those do have some use, especially around here, especially in sponsorship. You notice that, you know, we talked about three different areas of self resentment, fear and sex conduct. They seem to you seem to most people seem to Have a little more of one than the others, you know, and it seems to be in those areas where we're uniquely qualified to be useful to other people or or some of the experiences we've been through that were hard will also become useful to other people so it's not a you know I didn't get made pure as the driven snow through this work I did seem to keep a few things but I also have found that has led to some some very you know if you struggle with lust and somebody who doesn't struggle with less you try to talk to them about it it's like showing a dog a card trick it's Like, they are aware of the definition, but they don't suffer with it. But if you talk to someone who does, who's had the experience, who's, you know, had problems, caused wreckage, you can have a conversation with that that's very different, very meaningful. You know, you get that language of the heart kind of stuff because of that shared experience, because of those shared defects. And I think that's how God goes about using us in those things. And it also keeps us coming back. You know? I don't know if the Spirituality of Imperfection, great book. This kind of step is the engine of our seeking. you know my if i'm made perfect then what do i need god for uh i'm not so i keep seeking i seek through others i keep speaking him and it's that that engine of my discomfort through these things that keeps me in yeah absolutely and uh you know i as you're talking i i have this uh this experience it's it's very related to six and seven and i i love you know uh in step 11 when it talks about be quick to see where religious people are right make use of what they have to offer man i love seeking and uh seeking from a variety of spiritual traditions and there was this new year's tradition uh that i did i heard about it and i'm like i'm gonna try that and uh what you do is you go near some running water and you take a piece of bread and you rip off a piece of bread for each each defective character and you toss it into the by the way i want you to know i threw i started chucking them i threw one i'm I'm like, that's my codependency. Boop! And a fish got it, and I was worried. It did not leave that poor fish. You know? I was like, ooh! But I did that. And that's not how we do six and seven, but it's a beautiful metaphor. And when I do a lot of talking, I need holes. So I've got this little holes wrapper. Everyone look at my garbage. And imagine that that's a defective character. Now, I can grab a hold of this, and I can use all my willpower and all my strength to squish it up. Now, I'm not going to rip it up because somebody's got to clean that up, and it's me, and that'll be hard on my back, but I could rip it up,and it's still there. I can squish it with all my might, and it is still there! I can't make it go. But what I do, and this is what I realized as I was sitting over the river, is it's not a throwing of my defects. What I'm really doing, it's as simple as this, is I'm letting go and reaching for God. And as I reach for god it just falls away and that's that's what six and seven is all about for me and i just i want to talk real quickly that's a lie um about step seven um because it was the seventh step that i first became aware of god's unconditional love when it says my creator you think about anything that you've ever created other than a mess of our lives but anything that we've ever created has been made with love and care and attention my creator i have been made with love and care and attention it says i'm now willing that you should have all of me good and bad see i'm not getting good to get god god is coming and meeting me where i'm at you know the worst thing that i shared that deep dark secret i shared in my fifth step that thing i wanted to kill myself behind that thing that I thought I was so different from everyone else that not in spite of that but because of that and this is the power of the god that we that we get to access in Alcoholics Anonymous, when it says, like, I pray that you now remove from me every single defective character which stands in the way of my usefulness to you and my fellows. See, God is going to use me, just like you were saying. It's like sometimes my defects can become, actually on page 124, it talks about how the dark past becomes our principal asset. In God's hands, the worst things about myself get used to help another human being. That is the power that's on offer here in Alcoholic Anonymous. Not a just don't drink no the worst thing about myself gets transformed and that I get used by a power that I didn't like it didn't believe in and I felt wanted nothing to do with me when I got here and I just because I'm off on this tangent but I'll wrap up very soon um in the fifth step it really so I got that lens into God's unconditional love in step seven but it really wasn't until I started receiving the fifth steps of other alcoholics, that's when I got that lens into God's unconditional love, because you know when I would sit down with a sponsee and they would tell me the worst thing that they ever did, the worst depth of their shame, that thing that they wanted to kill themselves behind that thing they were drinking behind and they didn't even know it, you know what I mean that thing, I'm going to my grave with it and they wouldn't share with me that how I felt about them changed it changed, but not how I expected. I love them more. I am a fall-down failure pissing my pants behind a dumpster smoking crack with some guy I just met, sort of freaking alcoholic. Do you know what I mean? I can't do anything about my mental obsession. I'm riddled with defects. You could ask my sponsor. I have absolutely failed as a human being and this little drunk that's sitting before me, I love them more. I am not doing better than God in the love department. I'm not. That's not possible. So it's that lens of if that's how I can feel about you and I really do mean you. If I can fill that way about you, if I can love you and if I can love in an unconditional way, imagine the depth and breadth of God's love and the love that God has for you, man, this is an experience. I can't get there through here. I got to get there though doing it. Through action. Yeah, through action. Into action. Into action, now we need more action. All right, step eight. Step eight. Now more action without which, again, it doesn't say chill, right? It doesn't stay wait around. It says now. We start using that word a lot more too as we go along. Now, meaning now. Without Without which we find faith without works is dead. Let's look at steps eight and nine. We have a list of all persons we had harmed and to whom we're willing to make amends. We made it when we took inventory. We subjected ourselves to drastic self-appraisal and now we're going to go out to our fellows and repair the damage. I see you do the same things. Eight is totally separate from nine and it's a good idea to just make your list so that you don't start to descend into all the reasons and all the things about how you're going to make amends and confuse yourself with that being important somehow, that you can just make a list. You've already actually made it. It's in the first column of your resentment inventory, the last column of resentment inventory and out of your sex conduct. And then I usually say a prayer here to say, is there anybody else that belongs on this list that maybe didn't come up through my inventory? And I have found names that way as well. But I make a list of all those people separate before I start to think about nine, before I started to think, you know, get together with my sponsor to talk through some of them, before I starting knocking on doors. I have completed an eight-step list and it doesn't matter if I want to make the amend, if I think it's a good idea to make amends, if I know how, if know where they are. None of that stuff is relevant to the eighth step because I'm just making a list. but it's very clear about you know how many well how many people go on list uh well it says we made a list of uh all persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them oh so i think it's all i think its all um and and again it's not part of the conversation of well you know never you know which i really like if you have the uh i use a different word there usually uh the fu pile uh in in this but you make your names uh down on your list and and and it it comes out of your inventory uh you can do it on paper you can doing index cards again it doesn't matter how you house keep it it just matters if you get it done but but make this list and those ones where you're like never they still go down on the list and then we actually get some direction about how we're going to handle those ones. It says, if we haven't the will to do this, we ask until it comes. So again, prayer, ask. I'm going to ask God to help me to be willing to make the amends for the ones that I'm not willing to make them ends for. And there's no time on that. There's no time limit on that, it's not like I make the list and say, oh, I'm now willing to these, God, help me be willing, and then I never think of it again. That is a process. There are a few amends that took me a couple of years to actually become willing to make the amend. I made the amend, but it took me some time to get there. I had to pray for the willingness. I had suffered in pain before I became willing to do it. But make your eight-step list before you start worrying about what the amends are going to be, how you're going to do them, how you'll get in touch, any of that kind of stuff. Get your eight step list done. Absolutely, yeah. Do you want me to dive into some willingness? stuff? Yeah, yeah. Absolutely. So the eight step, it's a list and willingness. And yeah, putting the amends into columns of willingness kind of helps. You know what I mean? It does. Not in the big book, but it helps. And so there's two ways, once I have my eight step list and I've popped it in these columns of williness, that there's 2 ways I can approach it. One is the most obvious and intuitive. I start making amends with the right nows. And as I do that, what happens they go well and I start getting some of this spiritual like freedom and I start building that momentum and my later start moving over and that also gives me time to like pray for the nevers and to write out some of the amends ahead of time for some of my maybes and my laters do you know what I mean and that helps build momentum so that is the most intuitive way the other way is to start with the nevors now as I was mentioned and I spoke at the back room meeting a couple years ago, and I was talking on Step 8. And during that talk, I had this thought that became an actual thing. And I said, listen, if you start with your nevers, I'll get you a patch that says amends badass. And so I have done that. I have sponsees that are patch wear, I don't know, like they got a patch that's got pink amends bad ass because they started with their never amends. And the idea behind it is like, man, if that is the most scary, intimidating, awful thing that I could ever do. Let's rip off that fricking bandaid and it's all downhill from there. You don't have to do that, but if you do, I will spend like, if we're talking about willingness, apparently it's just me bribing sponsors to do things. Uh, but like if you do that I will get you a patch that says the men's badass on it. I will come find me and like I'll give you my number. You drive to Calgary or fly out or anything. I will get you what I'll send it to you you'll have it absolutely and another thing that I've done with sponsors like I have a lot of fun working with my sponsors in step 8 some things that I found that help build willingness is I write out the amends with them ahead of time and so they have it on a sheet of paper or cue cards if I know cue cards are a bit of an Ontario thing so that they can take it and when we make that amends we can say like hey I just want be very clear. I wrote this down not because this is not from my heart, but because this amends is important to me and I want to make sure I don't leave anything off. And it doesn't have to be a perfect script, but we all know what it's like to like go make that amends and the nerves and you know, it's good to have. And so that's something I do with my sponsees. I have two other shenanigan ways of building willingness. The first is a game. I only play it with their consent it is important it's called a men's roulette yeah yeah i know it's the yeah uh with their consent nobody is thrust upon a men'S roulette uh and so obviously it's what it sounds i put their eighth step last on a virtual amends wheel this is not in the big book so feel free to disregard uh and and we and we've played some men'S Roulette and it's i will say it is fun And to be fair, I am on the sponsor side of things as we play it. But man, I've had some fun. And it's been incredible how God has worked and moved in that. Now, if you're like, oh, I don't want to do that. One of the other things I do, again, not in the big book, is I have created amenders. If you don't know what an amender is, Dr. Bob, when Bill showed up, he's like, man, I am willing to do everything, not tell people I'm an alcoholic and make that right, not that. And then so he went on a bender. and then after his bender he went out and made all his amends in a day therefore an amender and so I'm under yeah and some of you who were at the Cambridge you guys got the sticker that says amender it's got dr. Bob on it because I'm a child but I've created these like amender competitions where it's like a race to five amends a race two ten amends and they got like fight posters like it's a UFC thing we've even started doing teams and prizes And it's like one of those things, like this work is deadly serious. And I take it deadly serious, but there's some fun we can have along the way. And if the thing that is keeping somebody from making their amends is that Team USA is ahead a point, well, Team Canada, let's hustle. You know what I mean? If it'll get it done, we'll get them done. You know who I'm saying? And just another good way to make amends or to build willingness, it's on page 77 when it says, nevertheless with the person we dislike we take the bit in our teeth which is to go and do it so one of the ways in which i can build willingness to make amends is to reach out and find the people and send the approaches and and listen everyone's always like man i'm going to send out all these approaches and they're all going to want to hear from me right away no they won't i promise they don't get back to you right away um and once we've sent that approach boom ball is in motion and we do it anyways, we do it scared. So that's what I would say for eight. Nice. Yeah. I like it. Who's winning? Uh, so, uh, yeah, yeah, AA, uh they're sober, uh and so if you guys are wondering, Team Canada absolutely demolished Team USA, like it was so bad I had to issue a bunch of spiritual green cards so I could get some people to like join Team USA Yeah, yeah. And now it's, uh we got Team Harry Potter versus Team Green and it's like, it's neck and neck they're at so it's team so we got 22 for team green and 21 for team harry potter and so you know those are amends that might not have gotten made if we weren't but yeah it seems yeah yeah we can do team star wars versus team star trek after absolutely may the force be with you so you've got your amends you list you have your willingness what are you going to do now You're gonna go out into the world. Yes, and you're gonna start making amends Make it made of direct amends important word direct amens to such people Where wherever possible except when to do so would injure them or others. You are not others I was given a Script a format a way to do this. That's what I've used It's what i've used with other people that you have your list and you and you yeah Like you said there's lots of different ways to slice it up and do it But when you have your appointment, you've set an appointment with the person. You made an approach at their convenience. You're going to get together with them. And what I was told to do is I'm going to introduce myself as a sober member of Alcoholics Anonymous. I'm gonna tell them how I think I've harmed them. I'm gunna ask them if I've harm them in any other way or if there's anything else they would like to tell me. And I'm ganna shut up and listen no matter how bad that can feel. I'm just gonna shut up. And listen, I don't have to make amends for how badly you go in and make amens when. So it's best just to be quiet about it. And listen. And then I'm going to offer what I think the amend is or what I've come up with. And then, I'm gonna ask them if that is sufficient or if there's anything else that would make it right. Or in the case of I don' t know, if I really haven't been able to come up wth it, then I will say, I'm not sure how to make this right. How can I do this? How can we repair this? and then I do it because the amend is not the conversation the amend is the action I take after an amend is not an apology you know to change alter to repair I have to put the damage I have to fix the damage i have to repair the relationship I have to pay back the money I have do whatever the innumerable forms these amends take that is the amend and the amend has finished when that's finished not when I've sat and had the conversation with the person the that that was sort of the framework I was given to do it in and have followed the reason for introducing yourself as a sober member of alcoholics anonymous I've heard about it with other people it's happened to me as well is I am sort of an ambassador for AA in that moment you know like I've gone as I mentioned some shoplifting stuff like the steel gone back to make shoplifting amends and tell the tell the person I'm in alcoholics anonymous and i've come back after 15 years to pay for some shoplifting i did what do you think they're talking about that night like what do you what do you think their opinion of alcoholics anonymous is in that moment what if they know somebody who needs some help are they going to think oh hey remember that crazy guy who came in here it happened to my own family where i got to help a relative because I went and made amends with an aunt she didn't know is an Alcoholics Anonymous I introduced myself as a sober member even it's somebody who knows you I still do it and I was able to talk to her brother after that because of that conversation a couple months later he was in trouble she reached out to me so I might be the only person they run into from Alcoholics Anonymous and here I am trying to set things right in the world so that's an important thing to do then And, you know, to say how I think I've harmed them. But I have to open it up to them too because what I think about all the time is me. And everybody else is just sort of a side character in my play. And so I maybe didn't quite get it right. You know, like, oh, here I did this thing, but I actually did much more and they need to talk to me about that. And some real freedom can come out of that conversation for both sides. You know? It's not just me. I'm trying to fit myself with maximum service to God and the people about me. but if you know if I open that up to them they can tell me a lot more things I didn't realize things I didn think about or the worst one is they'll say something like huh I didn remember that how dare you do you know how important I am I've been thinking about this for 20 years no don't say that but you know it's it's open up to them and to listen to them to what they have to say and you know I've heard them in any other way if there's anything else they need to tell me about that and And then to open it up to what I think the amend, like I said, in most cases I have something. In some cases I don't know. But in either case, you know, I'm going to ask them if it's sufficient or what they think would be sufficient. And then I'm gonna go do it. That was... Yeah. So that's... Yeah. Absolutely. And yeah, my... Oh, you've got one there? Great. Nice. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's very, very, similar. member of Alcoholics Anonymous often that that doesn't for me happen during the amends it happens for the approach because I've kind of got to explain what I'm doing I just found that over the years and it can look something like I'm a sober member of alcoholics anonymous and part of me staying well requires that I look upon my past and set right my mistakes and I can see that my past behavior has caused you harm I'd love the opportunity if you would allow me to sit down and make it right something like that I did come from the school of you don't have to say you're in aa but i will say and i absolutely agree how often god works in an amends how often an amens will turn into a 12-step call do you know what i mean but if if i'm in a place where like maybe it absolutely isn't appropriate that i say i'm in aa i can say hey i've just been reflecting upon my life and i see that i caused you harm would you be open to sitting down and having a discussion where i talk about what i did and what I can do to make it right and in the second part that I have here like what I did I find it's always important when appropriate to be specific and focus on my defects of character because if I'm just telling you what I did it could be a bit of a laundry list like it doesn't always land well I'm being just my defects a character it can be yeah not not what I will say is I have learned a lot about amends through receiving poor ones I had somebody come to me one time and uh try to make an amends god bless her and she's like um i need to make an amend i was really um judging you okay uh and i what i will say i was like i received it with grace and i was not bothered i'm like girl i get it uh but that like that could lead to that like hey i was judging i was got like maybe i don't need to say quite that right to be a little bit more vague in that case and I love that it's like at their convenience I had somebody that was reaching out to make an amends and was like well if it's not going to happen on my schedule I'm like you know we want to make it at their convenience and oh actually you know what I'll circle the loop so here's an example of number two and actually before I circled the loop one more example I received an ammends from somebody who is like okay I'm gonna make commends for this and this, and oh, no, not that. Which is, again, why it's really helpful to have it written out ahead of time. And I want you to know I didn't ask. I just, I didn'T ask. So when I receive them, I really try to do receive them with grace because I know what it's like. All right. So let's imagine why I'm here, right? And what I did. So I need to acknowledge that when I stole your car. That was incredibly selfish and dishonest and inconsiderate. When I slept with your husband, that was a breach of trust. And when I, we're making amends. Yeah. It was a breach of thrust and it was incredibly dishonest. And inconsiderant. And I crossed boundaries I should not have crossed. And here's the thing. When we're in an amends, we might want to say story it's not the end of the world if the story comes out in an amends it's not like oh you know it's fine but what's more powerful than I'm sorry and in some cases people do need to hear and I'm they don't need to your contrition but what a little bit more powerful is that was wrong with me or you did not deserve that and and so when I peed on your carpet that was incredibly inconsiderate and selfish and dishonest when I tried to hide it and say no no no it was all linoleum and I love I love that like is there any other way and then I like to open it up like do you also need to share with me about how my actions made you feel and yeah I come with what can I do to make it right as well and if I owe money I've got to show up with money or some money in a payment plan that I follow through on oh yeah yeah yeah it's fine yeah absolutely yes what we do not do is like no what bike gross like deflect defend no so yeah it is like it's that acknowledgement and it's like I am I am sorry that was wrong yeah it's just it's that acknowledgement and whatever they say is true do you know what i mean so we just receive it and own it and acknowledge it and even if we don't remember it we can say you know i am so sorry that that you know slipped my mind or or that i don't but i can see how selfish and inconsiderate i've been does that kind of make sense cool and uh yeah with the what can i do to make it right uh in my experience nine times it says in the book at nine cases out of attend the unexpected happens. You know what's unexpected? It goes well. I never go to an event and like, it's going to, I'm always like, they're going to call the cops. I haven't committed a crime, but they're gonna arrest me. No, it goes well, but in those cases, what can I do to make it right? Oftentimes for me, it is like, oh no, this was more than enough. Keep doing what you are doing. And so what do I do? Keep doing what you're doing? It's a gimme. Yeah, gimme amends. No, no, no. Keep doing what I'm doing. What I can do to make it right is continue on this way of life. What I do to make it write is continue to make the amends that I'm making. What can I do to make right is to continue to pray, to meditate, to work with others this way of life and so it is not just I get to live this way of life so I get be free but I get live this way of life so that I continue to make those amends. Does that make sense? Or to find a way that they'll accept, and I find that one with parents most often. Oh, you know, I owe you $20,000, Mom. And then, oh no dear, we just love you, we're so happy, you just keep doing what you're doing. And I go back to my sponsor and I'm like, oh, I don't have to pay the money back to parents. And it's like, oh, you just have to find away that they will accept it because what did I, you you know I stole their money I sold their time and so how can I make that right would they go on a trip you know would they accept are they into something that you know do they collect something do they enjoy something what if I showed up with you know $20,000 worth of tickets over the next 10 years to go and see shows that they like like I do need to find a way to make that right even if they're out of the gate they're kind oh no no dear that's okay like I still owe them that and finding a way to do that. We're kind of coming down to break time again. I will say the book covers many, many situations, many, many approaches, and the overwhelming information is, yes, you have to make that amend. You have to find a way to make that amendment. This is an area where you really need your sponsor to work with your sponsor. I'm not particularly good at the except where to do so it would injure them or others, part of this. So I really need my sponsor in that regard because I will qualify myself out of amends that I need to be making and I will maybe make some amends that I shouldn't be making. That person definitely never needs to see you again. You know, and so there's a lot of information. So work with your sponsor. The other thing I would say too is you can find someone who has made an amend similar to yours if you ask around in the room, talk to people, ask for advice. it's all been made, it's all been done, none of us are unique you know we've all done a lot of the same stuff and so the willingness is the key right? It's not don't think how can I not make this amend or why I shouldn't have to make this amend or why you know the things that were done to me were so much worse than what I did if that's your mindset you will not be successful in this area and if you're not successful in THIS area you will NOT stay sober the approach is even if you don't know HOW to make the amend you're not sure about it, take an attitude of willingness into this. Pray for that willingness. Talk to others. Try to find a way to make the amend even if you're not sure but if you are scared of it all that kind of stuff because again all of this is back to one we agree to go to any lengths. Our real purpose is to fit ourselves to be a maximum service to God and the people about us. We don't want to die an alcoholic death so any discomfort I have about a particular amend, it's not whether or not I think that's a good idea. It's whether or not i want to live or die that I'm up against. And so if you take that attitude of like how can I do it? I'm scared. I don't know how to do it. I know how find them. I don't now. That's okay but praying for that willingness, working with your sponsor, talking to other people about it, being open to the opportunity because also God will just throw somebody in your path. You'll be walking down the street and then all of a sudden there's there oh my god there they are and I can turn the corner in fear and hope they didn't see me or I can take the opportunity to go up and say hey could I talk to you for a minute yeah we're just gonna talk to us for a second I almost said the B word we're not doing the B word, Jeff is going to talk to us for a second and then we're going to say the B words and then I'll be back. Thanks Brian, thanks Paige. Okay, just a couple of things, we're gonna pass the basket around, contribute if you can and as I said earlier if you want to do any transfer Leo's here, he's been willing to talk with Leo One other thing I want to point out for those of you that missed it at the beginning these two individuals have never worked together before so if you think spirituality So don't forget, you know, we've tried to absorb a lot today. If you're not catching everything word for word, go see James, go see Bill and MP3 are available or CDs are available and there's also e-transfer available for that. Senga and Cat are at the back there. They're going to be there for a few more minutes but after this next break, they're going to do a draw. Yes, Senga, after the next break? Now or after the last break? This is the only break. I said no, I mean when we come back from break. So we're straight there. Everybody have a great comeback here at quarter two.