Fourth Step Sex Inventory – Day in the Steps Workshop – Part 3 of 5 – Brian K.

All right, we're on the clock like we usually are with sex now about sex I was just going to say before we launch into that that this is a little bit different than what I normally do with the fears one especially I really liked it i think it's very cool but i wanted to say if it doesn't i don't mean people who did it who go get drunk because they did it slightly differently or did it this way versus that way it's because he didn't do it at all so you know i i love finding new ways of uh of writing stuff different uh you know try to stick as close to the book as i can this is a cool interpretation of that as was with resentment so i think this is great uh but yeah if you're like looking at oh that's not how i did it it's like that's fine uh it's not about uh any kind of perfection it's just about you know what did you actually do it you make your best effort uh at it because we're in mortal combat with our egos at this point so yeah now about sex um and i am going to turn it back over to page because she's going to go through absolutely sex and i you know i just like to kind to lie there. I mean, all right. So what I, what I a couple of things the directions for sex inventory, super easy to find page 69. But if you've ever heard the joke about the confused spot C, I just feel like I should lead with the confused spot. It's a good one. Yeah. So there's a spot C you know, does that thing that we all do, you know falls in love and detox, you know, the blue of their grippy socks matches the blue of their eyes. You know, like, oh, it's meant to be. But the sponsee, wanting to be a good sponseee, goes to their sponsor and says, hey, I've fallen in lust. I'm willing, I'm wanting to have a relationship. And the sponsor's like, okay, what I want you to do is I want você to go home, have a read of page 69, it'll give you directions. And so the confused sponseer goes, alright, I'M going to be a good sponsor, I' m going to listen, page 69, page 69, page, what was it, 96? Page 96. So if we pop over to page 96, it goes on to say, do not be discouraged. If your prospect does not respond at once, search out another alcoholic and try again. You are sure to find someone desperate enough to accept with eagerness what you offer, which is why I like to be in the book with my sponsees so they don't get super confused. Yeah. Feel free to steal that. God knows I probably did. Yeah, so as we get into bottom of 68 top of 69 what it's really saying is many of us needed an overhauling there so if I'm somebody where this area of my life is especially troublesome what I want to point out is that you are not alone and the purpose of sex inventory is to develop a sane sound god-given sex ideal for our future sex life. We're not here to guilt anyone and shame anyone, and there's a reason why we look at sex. The reason is that thing happens if you're in a line-by-line meeting or what happened here. It's like, now about sex, and it's like... You know? It's awkward. It''s uncomfortable. That's where most of our secrets are. That''s where the depth of our shame comes from, and that''s why I have the greatest capacity to harm another human being, so that'''s why I got to look at it. And one of the things I want to point out, uh, at the end of the first paragraph on 69, we all have sex problems. We'd hardly be human if we didn't not alcoholic human. And so we're going to avoid hysterical advice that we're not going to be on the straight pepper diet and we're Not going to lie back and think about baseball or if that's what you want to do. What's up to you, Brian? No kink shaming. Yeah, no kink shaming I have that vine in my brain like that is my kink. No. So none of none of that what we're here to do is develop a sane sound ideal for a future sex life and so where I get the columns from is that next that first full paragraph or that second full paragraph right in the middle page 69 and it says we reviewed our own conduct over the years past. Where had we been? Not had we been, but where had we be? Selfish, dishonest, and considerate. Whom had we hurt? Did we unjustifiably arouse jealousy, suspicion, or bitterness? Where were we at fault? What should we have done instead? And just how I've been taught and how I continue to organize it is in column one is the name, is who did I hurt, right? And so we want to look at things like our past relationships, our current relationships, our past spouses. We want to look at things like drunken hookups. I know no one's had those. We wanna look at the people that we slept with for money, the people that we sleep with for booze, the pople we slept wit for drugs, the peple we slept with for accommodations, the poeple that we've slept with for a sense of worth and value and validation. We wanted to have a look at those. It can be helpful, and I want to be very clear, I'm not taking this sort of Puritan sort of view, it can be helpful to look at how we engage with things like pornography and sex work to see if it's God given. You know what I mean? Not take, I'm not the arbiter. I'm not telling anyone what they should do, but it's helpful to have a look at these areas of our life to see If we're in line, you know, Tinder, Grindr, like some of these websites, some of These apps helpful to Look at, see if It's god-given no harm in inventory but if i'm not sure who should go on my sex inventory uh we have a test and it's uh was it selfish or not and i listen i've been sponsoring long enough to know if you were both selfish it's selfish write it down because inevitably that but what if they are both selfish writeitdown because the point of this is to develop a god- given sex ideal So the second column I have is where were we at fault? And it looks a lot like column four. Where were weat fault? And there's this beautiful transition that happens as I go through inventory. Because who am I going to resent? I'm sure no one here ever resented an ex or two. But I'm going to resentment all my exes. And what are some driving fears that I have? Now, I'm not sure many of you guys can relate to this, but fear of being alone. Fear of being in a relationship. Fear of sex. Fear of intimacy. Those are different. uh, took me some inventory to learn that. You know what I mean? You know, uh, fear of communication in a relation. You Know What I Mean? So we want to have a look at it, but where were we at fault? And that's going to look a lot like the fourth column in resentments. Where did I cause harm? And I'm just going to throw out some examples. I'm sure not, no one can relate to this. Um, but I was a raging alcoholic and in no position to be in a relationship and I was taking hostages. I'm sure that's just me. And, you know, how do you tell when an alcoholic's on their second date? They got their two garbage bags full of crap in the driveway. You know, it's not like the U-Haul joke. I don't have enough stuff for a U- Haul. I was kicked out of treatment. You know what I'm saying? Right. And so like I dive in, I go way too fast. And as a result, I avoid red flags. I'm Sure I'm the only person here that relates to being codependent and making the other person God. And you know what happens? I make them God. But then, ugh, gross, they're human. And so I've got to boot them out of the God chair. I've got to go sit in it and fix them so they can get back to fixing me. I'm sure I'm the only one. We can look at things like infidelity, that lack of communication, that selfishness, that inconsideration, looking where we've caused harm. Now, I also want to look at before the relationship as I was getting in, maybe by dishonest motives. I want to looks at during the relationship, but I also want to look after the relationship. Ghosting is not cool. I had to make amends for at. You know what I'm saying? So that's what I am looking at. And then in the third column, now I like to work column two and column three for sex together. It says where was I selfish, dishonest, inconsiderate? And that is where I can expand and explore the areas of selfishness. You know, was I only thinking about myself? Was I not considering the other person? Did I have that, you know, I am only in this relationship about what I can get? The dishonesty can look like, man, I don't have hard conversations. I'll avoid hard conversations, I'll wear masks and I'll put up walls and pretend to be somebody that I'm not so you like me. I don' t know about you but I will contort myself to be someone I am not just so you don't leave, you know? And of course dishonesty can look like things like infidelity and emotional affairs and that sort of stuff. when we look about unjustifiably arousing so unfairly creating jealousy suspicion or bitterness now there's three people ish that I can create that in so I can create that if I'm cheating on my partner that would create that in my partner jealousy suspicion of bitterness if I am engaged in somebody who's already in a relationship that would be for their partner jealousy, suspicion, or bitterness but I'm also an incredibly insecure human being and will tie my little value and worth clause to them. And I'm sure nobody's checked their partner's phones, you know what I mean? Like, and I will create that within myself. And those are some of the places that I can look at. Now the prayer that I get is God please, and I always say please, you don't have to, but God please mold my ideals and help me to live up to them. And that fourth column is a lot of like what we did in fears where I swap it. So, I mean, if I was in no place to be in a relationship, my partner was in No Place to Be in a Relationship, so here's a quick one. All parties need to be physically, emotionally, and spiritually available to be a relationship. If I was a drunken mess, I've got to be sober. And how I'd be sober is I need to fully engage in the 12 steps as a way of life. You know, if I'm codependent, what do I have got to do? I've got to be God-dependent. I've got to actively and intentionally seek my value and worth from God and channel it to others. I've gotta build trust, love, connection, communication over time. I'm gonna practice discernment, which is again using our judgment without being judgmental. And if I was selfish, dishonest, and considerate, I need to be selfless, honest, especially when it's hard, and considerate. If I create a jealousy, suspicion, or bitterness, I've go to cultivate love, trust, connection communication over time. If I've ghosted, I've got to communicate at the end of the relationship. Do you know what I mean? Stuff like that. And from there, from that fourth column, those patterns, those things that I see, that becomes my sex ideal. And what I do with my sponsees, because it talks about like, I can't live up to ideals on my own. I might have moral and philosophical convictions galore. I've got a galore school. That's not how we use that word, but I can't live up to them, so what do I do with my sponsees when I receive their fifth step? Because I sit with them. We'll talk about this, but i sit with him as we do step four, and we really do it together. I'm codependent, but it gets done. You can't leave. Write it down. Listen, you can run away. It's not like you go up a flight of stairs. I am not going after you. You are fine, you know, But what I'll do is I'll write what I hear them say their sex ideal is, and then what we'll do is we'll turn it to prayers. And I take that sex ideal and I pray it on a daily basis. God, please may I be fully dependent and reliant upon you. May I seek from you my sense of worth, value, security, safety, connection, and affection, and may I share that with others. You know, things like that. And you see, the thing about a sex ideal, now bear with me, I'm just going to say this, it's a little like a resume. Do not print it off and give it to them. No, don't make it your Tinder profile or do. I don't know. I'm not going to tell you what to do. But what I mean by that is it's meant to change. It's meant To grow. So the sex ideal that I have when I'm single is going to be different. There's going to Be some key elements for sure, but it's going To be different than when I' m in a relationship or 10 years In a relationship Or 20 years married. and when I'm in a relationship with somebody I need to continue to do this inventory and update my sex ideal and there's some stuff I'll start living up to you know and then it gets to grow from there so I think that's what I'll say for that and over to you yeah no that's good I like that what she said yeah it does go on after that to talk about how much we engage with God in this right that our sex powers are God given and whatever our ideal turns out to be, we must be willing to make amends for harms done. In meditation, we ask God what we should do about each specific matter. The right answer will come if we want. God alone can judge our situation. Counsel with others is often desirable, so it's a good conversation to have with a sponsor, but we let God be the final judge. This part isn't easy. We have habits, we have patterns, we've done this for a long time. Are we going to fall short? Absolutely, we're going to falls short. And what does it tell me about that? am I going to go get drunk? It says it depends on your motives. If you're sorry for what you've done, you want to have an honest desire, not just what you tell other people, but what you really want in your heart to go to better things, it'd probably be all right. But if you don't and you keep harming people, then you're quite sure to drink. This is a very potent area. So it tells me again, I'm going to earnestly pray for the right ideal, for guidance in each questionable situation. So, it's not, oh, I prayed when I did my inventory and we're all good. It's like, no, I have to continue. And as I meet people, when I meet her coming out of the group and, you know, the light shines off her wristband that that's how I'm going to ask God, you know, like, hey, is this a good idea? I mean, I may still do it and do the wrong thing, but at least if I'm trying to be obedient, right, I'm trying to get better. I'm trying to learn more than then. And then it tells me again, if it's very troublesome, I am going to throw myself the harder into helping others. And And Alcoholics Anonymous is a great place to do that. If you show up here, there are all kinds of alcoholics around here that you could help. So lots of work to be done in that area. And something I've learned myself about this in the inventory and the ideal especially is I also get to consider what kinds of things are important to me. So it's not just about earlier on my sort of ideals were very much based in like, oh, I'm going to be this. This is what I'm going to look like in a relationship, which is very important. But what I didn't think much about was like, well, what am I okay with in someone else in a relationship? Because I actually get to pick that. Like I get to decide if somebody is someone I want to be in a friendship with. And if I sort of ignore what I really want, then I'm headed for some trouble there as well. So it's worth kind of looking. And it's not about being controlling like, oh my inventory says you have to do that it's more about you know like i wouldn't want to be in a relationship with someone who who drank alcoholically or someone who lied all the time or someonewho you know that it would be as important for me to to have someone who's spiritual who has a spiritual path maybe not the same one that i'm on but something those things are important to me so i get to consider that as part of of this as my ideal is all you know who do I want to be a relationship? Who do I want to be in a relationship with? And then you know, you put all that together and you're happy forever. No need for any further inventory. You keep working at it. I've got some bad news. Lots of inventory! So yeah, that's the end of four. Lots of good work, lots of good writing, lots of good direction. Like I said this is a great format. There's other ways to go about it. As long as you're obedient to the book, listen to your sponsor. If we say something that disagreed with your sponsor, probably listen to Your Sponsor and just do it. That's the most important thing is that you said about it, and then what are you going to do with this inventory you've written? We got our next step is we're going to admit to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs. I'm going to jump to 75, but then I'm also going to backtrack a little bit uh after that so the specific direction in 75 as we pocket our pride and go to it illuminating every twist of character every dark cranny of the past pretty simple direction i mean what it kind of looks like at least the way that do it in my lineage is to you have your four step you get you know uh two weeks ten days to write it say hey go write your inventory let's make an appointment for you to come back and we're going to sit down and uh you're going to read it. And that's how you're going to illuminate every twist of character, every dark cranny of the past is to read all this stuff that you wrote down. Usually say a little prayer to invite God into the room with us to help open our eyes and see the truth of this stuff and then go through it. Um, and then it gives me some, there's some sort of promises and then further an hour described after that. Um. I guess we can go back to the other stuff later. So that's what it looks like for us like i found in hearing fifth steps it's very uh it's it's different you know sometimes there are things that come up i'll ask questions like oh what about that didn't you say that sometimes people will miss that the thing they're mad about is the thing that they're they're doing to everybody else like so it's you know those kinds of things may crop up as as part of the conversation but i do get direction i'm prepared for a long talk it's a life and then death errand that i know kind of what we're about here and we have an appointment and and go through it i don't know do you want to say anything about that before we move to the promises part of it or oh yeah yeah i'll be i'll b that's a lie i'll be quick what i want to point out is so we're getting in the chapter into action which is rude because i'm like where's the nap which we do get a quiet hour you know it's coming it's coming your hours coming yeah and so as we get into the fifth step it talks about started the 72 into action, right? We've made our inventory. What shall we do about it? And I'm just emphasizing this is what we're trying to do with the steps. We have been trying to get a new attitude, a new relationship, and that is a synonym for a spiritual awakening. That's what I need with our creator and to discover the obstacles in our path. That' s what we' re trying to do. And then it goes on to give us why do I have to do a fifth step? The best reason first. If I do not do this, I am likely to drink again. That's the best reason, right? And we got some other ones. And then it goes on on page 74 to really like, okay, who could I do a fifth step with? I want to emphasize that this was written when this book went out solely to carry the message. I might be an alcoholic alone in Calgary or Hamilton and not know a single other sober alcoholic. In 2024, some of this is not applicable. Please do not do your fifth step with your wife. If you could get a doctor to sit with you for more than 15 minutes, I mean, do not do your first step with your doctor or your parents or your parents. You know, we can do it with our sponsor. And if you don't want to do with your sponsor or just out of the Zoom era, I think you could do with another alcoholic from around the world do you know what i mean so that is who we can do the fifth step with um and so two things one uh when we look at admitted right admitted to god to ourselves into another human being the exact nature of our wrongs the exact nature over wrongs it's going to be the same thing as our defects as their shortcomings but that word admitted so there's two ways to look at the word admitted one is a bit of a confession you know i have to admit that i stole your car slept with your husband and peed on your carpet you know I got to admit that. I'm starting to think you really did that. So that's one way to look at admit. Another way to look and admit is like, let's say we got to go to a Thai cats game and the Thai cats are playing the stampede or sports. And we all got tickets for it. And what would it say on that ticket? It would say admit one. So another way to looking at the word admit is to let in. To let in god and another human being yeah and that's what that's what i'm trying to do now you're going to go into the i'm going to come back to this after okay is it all right yeah i was going to do the missy elliott promises okay is that cool sure yeah yeah yeah okay so i was going to leave you to the promises and i the fifth step promises and I was going to do like he knows what I'm talking about it'll be great it'll been great uh I'm so sorry and let me know if i can i can hold off on the missy elliott uh cool cool y'all remember missy elliOTT and in the early 2000s she had that song like reverse it you know you got a uh big let me search it like you gota big book i'm sure that's what it was let me search it for clear-cut directions on how to recover uh i'm suRE THAT'S WHAT SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT AND IN THAT SONG SHE LIKE UH REVERSED THE LYRICS AND SO ON 73 TOP PARAGRAPH OF 73 WE HAVE WHAT I LIKE TO CALL the Missy Elliott promises. Nobody else calls it that, so don't, you know, like go to your sponsor and be like, the Missie Elliott promises, and when they're baffled and confused, you can blame me. So it talks about how they took inventory all right, but they hung on to some of the worst items in stock. So here they are. They only thought they had lost their egoism and fear. They only though they had humbled themselves, but not learned enough humility, fearlessness, and honesty in the sense that we find it necessary until they told someone else all their life story. That's the fourth step. So let's Missy Elliott, let's flip down, flip it and reverse it. If I do this fifth step and if I am searching and fearless and I let that light into all those dark crannies, I will lose my egoism and fear. I will humble myself and I will learn an experiential learning, a knowing of humility, fearlessness, and honesty. So those are the Missy Elliot promises. Nice. Thank you. I knew that's what you were going to say. Oh, he knew. He knew. We go way back. So then here's some more promises if you are thorough, if you have illuminated every twist of character. Once you've taken this step with holding nothing, we're delighted. We can look the world in the eye. We can be alone at perfect peace and ease. Again, there's that peace, right? It's that same deal in three where it's like stuff I could never imagine happening for me is again referenced here our fears will fall from us we start to feel the nearness of our creator may have had certain spiritual beliefs but we now begin to have a spiritual experience the feeling the drink problem has disappeared will often come strongly uh we'll feel we're on the broad highway walking hand in hand with the spirit of the universe so like you know think back to the to the day or the week before you got here before you started engaging in this stuff before you made a third step decision before you know what did your life look like could you be alone at perfect ease and perfect peace and ease or were you coming out of your skin all the time you know are you your fears falling from you or are they your anxiety driven right by by uh fear uh you know spiritual beliefs uh now begin to have a spiritual experience this is um this is where this stuff really starts to transform and i often observe that the way in which we talk about this changes too because there's a lot of technical sort of approach to the earlier stuff but then when you get into five six seven like it's it starts to become very experiential it's sort of a lot harder to talk about you can only sort of say like oh well you know this is kind of what happened and it kind of looked like this and it kind of looks different for everybody but we something does begin to shift at this point uh and the what i shared earlier about the my idea of power you know is like there's something i don't know what it is i'm just going to do the steps and see what happens it's like this is where it starts to turn into something there is something more that i there is something bigger even if it's just sitting with another person and admitting this stuff that i was planning to take to the grave and even when i was planing to do the fifth step i'm like well i'm not going to tell them i don't want to talk about those things but then it just comes out as you're as youre sitting there doing it and and there's a you know you share it you're you're not the only one anymore probably your sponsor started some even worse stuff with you maybe to get you to talk but it does start to transform into something else and something you couldn't really imagine. The feeling the drink problem has disappeared will often come strongly is, again, incredible, right? Like, imagine that. Like, think about the week before. Like, what's the only thing you're thinking about is booze, and how are you going to get it, or how are You going to Get Out of Trouble for Having Got It? You Sworn Off, I'll Never Do That Again, and then you meet your buddy downtown who happens to be going for a drink, and then that's all you can think about. To have that start to go, it's almost unimaginable for how we live, and we feel we're on the broad highway walking hand in hand with the spirit of the universe. I will say, though, even if this doesn't happen exactly like this at this moment, it's... We just keep going, right? Like, we're in a path. We're on a path through these things. These things do show up. So it's not like, oh, I did my fifth step and I didn't feel anything. It's like, okay, that's not the end of the world. Still just keep, you know, persevering with all of this and these things do become... they do start to realize in your life um and then you're going to return home yeah for an hour here's your hour here'S your first time reference right you know there is no no reference like chill or wait two months or two years or any of that kind of stuff it's actually more like launch than immediately desperate and drowning and and words like that but here we get to have a break right we just sit at home and chill for an hours oh no we don't we have to do something returning home it's almost like this chapter is into action oh so annoying uh returning home we find a place where we can quiet for an hour you know a room uh as i sit down in my office normally uh carefully reviewing what what we have done well what have you done well you you wrote an inventory you've got a massive stuff you've had a fifth of you had a conversation there may be some things that came out of that you may have written some things down uh you're going to look at that you're going to consider it we thank god for the from the bottom of our hearts that we know him better uh through through this process i love that admit right we're being admitted to the to the realm of the spirit taking this book down from our shelf we turn to the page which contains the 12 steps page 59 uh carefully reading the first five proposals we asked we omitted anything so we're building that arch to which we shall walk a free man at last and then these this is like these last questions are are you sure are you Sure are you? Sure are You Sure Are You Sure are you sure uh considering that so to go back to like are you sure because it told me in in my inventory the only thing that counted was thoroughness and honesty and as marty likes to say it's not even accuracy it's just did i put it all down you know was it did i edit myself did i did i leave something out i didn't want to write about it was i dishonest about it did I gloss over something is that true consider the 12 steps, you know. Have I admitted I'm powerless over alcohol? Do I know what that means? You know, have I, that my life is unmanageable? Do i know what that means? Have I come to believe there's a power that could take me past this? Do I believe that? Have i made this decision? You know it's just sort of like, it's checking to say okay like we're gonna move forward here but have you been thorough in these things? Is your work solid or are the stones properly in place? Have you skimped on the cement put into foundation have you tried to make mortar without sand um my and it says so if you can answer that you're going to move on to six my experience with that the first time was that i i hadn't been i was reading my inventory and uh there was an uh a line that it had some i can't remember what the actual resentment part was but it was around some shoplifting and i would and into my mind goes oh don't say that that's really embarrassing that was the thought and i just jumped over to the next one. And I kept going and it was by no means the worst thing I had in my inventory. And yet just that one, my, it just popped in. Don't say that. That's embarrassing. And then I kept Going. And at the end of it, I kind of felt like I'd gotten away with it because we're, you know, we're hugging and Oh, go, you Know, go do your, go to your fifth step, go do Your hour. And, and I'm reading this stuff and I am reading these lines. Like, are you sure? Are you sure, are you Sure? Are You sure? And I turned to the next page and it's like, if you can answer your satisfaction. And I couldn't, I couldn'T answer to my satisfaction because in that moment, my ego had come in and that's the part that you read. I had, I not. And so what I did is I called my sponsor and I said, Hey, I left something out. And he said, Oh, okay. What is it? And I told him and he said," Okay. Anything else?" No. He says,"Okay. Off you go." You know, like he wasn't, he wasn'T bothered about it. Uh, and I had just, but had I not, right? Like, what does it tell me? You read it. I only thought I had lost my egoism and fear. I only taught I had humbled myself, but I had not learned enough of humility and fearlessness and honesty in the sense that it's necessary. You know, having persevered with the rest of the program, they wondered why they fell. You now, if I skip this vital step, I might not overcome drinking again. Like I'm, I'm in for all of this. Like, I cannot have these path measures. My, my stage character jumps in on me there right like that I present I'm presenting this stage character to my sponsor and it doesn't include me being someone who shoplifts and so my ego like grabs onto that with fear oh no no don't say that one you know it doesn'T it doesn' t want me doing this my ego is not interested in this work it wants to be powerful it wants to be in control and every time I every line everything that I'm saying everything that i'm doing it's losing ground um and and so to to i i mean i'm glad that it happened the way it did because you see the power of that like such a small inconsequential thing and then you know like a year later maybe i go back out i don't know um but the the power that we're up against the powerof that ego trying trying to come in and and block it up you know wreck it so that's like i think it's so important i'm so glad because that's what did it to me was that is your work solid are the stones properly have you skimped on it how you know and it's just are you sure are you sure and if you're sure you can move on and that's not to say you know i i've written things down in inventory years later that i can't believe didn't come up sooner you know like something pops up like even even in my last time here there was some stuff i was like where is that like that should have been there that's crazy but it wasn't i i never thought of it and did it put it down so it's not about perfection it's just about that you attended to what was there and and you're honest about it um i think a lot if we're good to move on to six but the last thing i'll say that i it's hard to convey here uh as this setup for six but it's a lot easier on the heels of five having written your inventory haven't sat with your with your sponsor having gone through all of this stuff is the desperation that that takes us into six like when we're going into six and seven we're Going to the power and we're asking the power to to help us with this stuff and it's it's having been crushed by the self-imposed crisis that has now been written out in pen and paper pages and pages hours of conversation I now see the truth of what living a life based on self-will has wrought, has the harm I've caused to the people I love and who love me, the destruction, the inconsideration, just that total mess my life is on my own power is just on me. It's right in front of my face. And so when I'm going into six and seven, it's with that recognition that this is who I am. i couldn't have been any different than i was and i won't be any different than that living on my own power so i must have this i must have this transformation i cannot be that person anymore i cannot be that liar and the thief and the cheat and i don't want to be that anymore um and so that is the the you know the desperation of a drowning man to to bring from five into six it's like we're not it's not an intellectual exercise it's kind of what it it's almost because we're not writing it right now that is not the feeling but when you're sitting there with it it's very powerful and it should be heavy like it's heavy shit it's like you have not I thought it was a great guy you know and it's Like no I wasn't so great after all so that's the kind of mind to bring into six it's Not an intellectual consideration it's an absolute act of desperation that God could come and do something about this So if we can answer to our satisfaction, we then look at step six. Do you like to look at Step 6? Absolutely. I love Step 6. Oh, it's so good. So if We Can Answer to Our Satisfaction. So we've answered those questions. Now, a thing, I go back to quite a while, just a moment. I also like asking not just myself but asking God. You know, it says we ask. And I say that all the time. Every time it says, we ask, that's a prayer. So asking God and waiting just to see if there's anything I'm led to. Nice. Yeah. Wow. I just, I love that. If we answer to our satisfaction, we then look at step six. We have emphasized willingness as being indispensable. So we got fired. Those of you who were in the morning, you got your pink slips fired for the management position of our life. And then we got an employment contract. We signed that. We went to work. It was house cleaning. And we're like, oh man, I did all that house cleaning, I didn't do anything. I did nothing. I did a fifth step, quiet hour. So I get a promotion. Well, not quite. I get moved to the willingness department that's where I get moved I'm relocated to willingness and it says uh we have emphasized willingness as being indispensable so what I need is buckets of willingness and what I will say and it's what you were alluding to and really just saying is that six and seven is prime willingness real estate do you know what I mean I am never more willing for God to remove my defects of character which are same thing for me as my shortcomings then right after I spent like all this time sharing about how it's ruined my life and the lives of those around me and right before I gotta go make amends for all that you know it is prime willingness real estate so I'm never more willing than right in step six and it says are we now ready to let God remove and this is important for me God is doing the removal I'm not doing it defect removal is upper management and I was fired for upper management gross incompetence we got our pink slips so God is the one that is doing the removing my job is willingness and it says are we now ready to let God remove all the things which we have admitted are objectionable can he now take them all every one and that's a question I get asked myself, am I willing? And like, honestly, that's when I'm the most willing. But what about all of my dishonesty, all of my people pleasing that we described as not people pleasing, approval seeking, you know, self-seeking when even when trying to be kind, am i willing for God to take all of that? Because I'm afraid of who will I be without that. And here's the thing, the book meets us where we're at time and time and time again if not it's not like boo you suck go go home and feel bad or you see your bad alcoholic gross well it says if we still cling to something we will not let go we ask we ask God to help us be willing so if I'm ever struggling with willingness in six and seven but in any area of 12 step if I'm struggling with the willingness what can I always do I can always pray for willingness and there's kind of a two-fold thing to that is if I am willing to pray for willingness I'm already well you know but if I'm not willing to prayer for willingness I'm in trouble and see that's what I mean by momentum that momentum can grow now I was working with this sponsee we're talking six and seven and she was like man but Paige what does being willing look like you know and for me it goes back to Bill's story at the end of Bill's Story he talks about a price had to be paid simple but not easy. It meant destruction of self-centeredness, which I'll point out like, man, don't I want to do it? I want to do the ego deflation. I wantto do the defect removal. You know what I mean? I wanto do it. Why? Because it feeds my ego. I will turn ego deflection into ego feeding. Look at how humble I've become. Ta-da! But in Bill's story, it goes on to say, I must turn in all things, the capital F, capital L, Father of light who presides over us all. So for me that willingness looks like seeking to do God's will in each and every situation. When I do that I'm willing for the dishonesty to go. When i do that i'm willing for that temper to go when i do that i'M willing for my way to go I'm willing to do another way that is that's how that works for for somebody like me um yeah i think that's what i'll uh you know what oh nope sorry nope over to you okay all right yeah no i thinkthat's it and you don't hang around right you're not going to hang around here you ask and then you go on to the next part when ready we say something like this my creator now willing you should have all of me good and bad because i don't know i have no idea i think if we've learned anything about me is i have a terrible sense of what's good and bad i pray you remove from me every single defect of character little caveat which stands in the way of my usefulness to you and my fellows grant me strength as i go up from here why to do your bidding again not about me not so i can go and have a great day having done all this stuff and feeling better no it's to it's the fit me to be of maximum service is to fit me to be helpful to god and to god's kids uh and that's what i'm asking for uh through this prayer And again, it's on that desperation. It's on the heels of, you know, the inventory, all this destruction. Like, hey, do you really want to keep living this way? And all this stuff goes back to step one. You know, do I want to live or die? Do I wantto live or do Iwant to die an alcoholic death? Because that's what we're talking about. That hasn't changed because we've been asked to do some stuff. We're still up against that. We always are. And so that ask, this 6 and 7, it's very quick. We're not hanging around. And here I'm going to take some Chuck. I don't know if people will be upset with me, maybe. Usually Marty is the one who people get upset at, so maybe it'll be you. Oh, you got me. I did it. I don'T work on my defects. Oh, I'm with you. I DON'T work ON my defects It doesn't say, okay, chill here, start working on your defects, and maybe we'll think about those amendments later on. No, I don' t stay here. If I could have done anything about my defects of character, wouldn't I have done it? Wouldn't I Have Done It? If I Could Have Been More Honest, if I Could have Not Hurt All the People. I never woke up once in the morning and thought, today is the day I'm going to wreck everything. Today is the Day I'm Going to Kick the Shit Out of Everybody Who Loves Me. I'm Gonna Tear Them to Shreds. That Is My Plan. And at the end of the day, well, that went great. I've Never Done That. but I have ended the day having done that never wanting to do it so if I could be any different if I Could Have Acted Any Different uh then I don't know I'm a psycho I'm A Dick Right We Talk About You Need Dicks Anonymous If That's The Case Because You're A Dick But If You Were Powerless And Your Life Was Unmanageable And That's What Happened If You were Driven And That'S What Happen That'S what This Is For That'S WHAT This Program Is For and so I'm going to come to God I'm gonna ask him to take this from me and the way this stuff is going to get removed is coming up in 8, 9, 10, 11, 12 I move forward through the program things start to fall away things startto come off not because I did anything about it you know I don't have any power to change this I never have if I could have won out against my ego I would have a long time ago you would have never seen me here I wouldn't have needed it but I need it because despite my best efforts i have never been able to do anything about it and so i come out of that five i'm crushed i ask god to take this from me because he must he has if he doesn't like what i'm done i'm screwed uh and just that caveat that he will remove the defects of character but some of them maybe uh will be useful and i seem to have kept a couple i don't know about you but i seem have kept a couple of defects, some things I've struggled with over the years. And it seems that those do have some use, especially around here, especially in sponsorship. You notice that, you know, we talked about three different areas of self resentment, fear and sex conduct. They seem to you seem to most people seem to have a little more of one than the others, you know, and it seems to be in those areas where we're uniquely qualified to be useful to other people or or some of the experiences we've been through that were were hard will also become useful uh to other people so it's not a you know i didn't get made pure as the driven snow uh through this uh work i did seem to keep a few things but i also have found that has led to some some very uh you know if if you struggle with lust um and somebody who doesn't struggle with less you try to talk to about it. It's like showing a dog a card trick. It's, like, they're aware of the definition but they don't suffer with it. But if you talk to someone who does, who's had the experience, who's, you know, had problems, caused wreckage, you can have a conversation with that that's very different, very meaningful. You know, you get that language of the heart kind of stuff because of that shared experience, because of those shared defects. And I think that's how God goes about using us in those things. And it also keeps us coming back, you now. I don't know if the Spirituality of imperfection great book this kind of stuff is the engine of our seeking you know my if i'm made perfect then what do i need god for uh i'm not so i keep seeking i seek through others i keep seeking him and it's that that engine my of my discomfort through these things that keeps me in yeah absolutely and uh you know i as you were talking i i have this uh this experience it's it's Very related to 6 and 7. And I love, you know, in Step 11 where it talks about be quick to see where religious people are right, make use of what they have to offer. Man, I love seeking. And seeking from a variety of spiritual traditions. And there was this New Year's tradition that I did. I heard about it, and I'm like, I'm going to try that. And what you do is you go near some running water and you take a piece of bread and you rip off a piece OF bread for each defective character and you toss it into the, by the way I want you to know I threw, I started chucking them I threw one, I'm like that's my codependency, boop and a fish got it and I was worried it did not leave that poor fish but I did that and that's not how we do six and seven but it's a beautiful metaphor when I do a lot of talking I need holes so I've got this little holes wrapper everyone look at my garbage and uh imagine that that's a defective character now I can grab a hold of this and I can use all my willpower and all my strength to squish it up now I'm not going to rip it up because somebody's got to clean that up and it's me and that'll be hard on my back but I could rip it off and it's still there I can squish it with all my might and it is still there. I can't make it go but what I do and this is what I realized as I was sitting um sitting over the river is it's not a throwing of my defects what I'm really doing it's as simple as this is I'm letting go and reaching for God and as I reach for God it just falls away and that's that's what six and seven is all about for me and I just I want to talk real quickly that's a lie um about step seven um because it was the seventh step that I first became aware of God's unconditional love When it says my creator, think about anything that you've ever created other than a mess of our lives. But anything that we've ever create has been made with love and care and attention. My creator. I have been made with love, and care, and attention It says I am now willing that you should have all of me good and bad. See, I'm not getting good to get God. God is coming and meeting me where I'm at. You know the worst thing that I shared? That deep dark secret I shared in my fifth step? That thing I wanted to kill myself behind. That thing that I thought I was so different from everyone else. That. Not in spite of that, but because of that. And this is the power of the God that we get to access in Alcoholics Anonymous. When it says, like, I pray that you now remove from me every single defective character which stands in the way of my usefulness to you and my fellows. See, God is going to use me just like you were saying. It's like sometimes my defects can become, actually on page 124, it talks about how the dark past becomes our principal asset in God's hands. The worst things about myself get used to help another human being. That is the power that's on offer here in Alcoholics Anonymous, not a just a drink. No, the worst thing about myself gets transformed and that I get used by a power that I didn't like. I didn'T believe it. And I felt wanted nothing to do with me when I got here. And yeah, I just, cause I'm off on this tangent, it, but I'll wrap up very soon. In the fifth step, it really, so I got that lens into God's unconditional love in step seven, but it really wasn't until I started receiving the fifth steps of other alcoholics. That's when I got to that lens and to God's unconditional love. Because you know, when I would sit down with a sponsee and they would tell me the worst thing that they ever did, the worst, the depth of their shame, that thing that he wanted to kill themselves behind. That thing that they were drinking behind and they didn't even know it. You know what I mean? That thing, I'm going to my grave with it and they would share with me that how I felt about them changed. It changed, but not how I expected. I love them more. I am a fall-down failure pissing my pants behind a dumpster smoking crack with some guy I just met. Sort of freaking alcoholic. Do you know what i mean? I can't do anything about my mental obsession. I'm riddled with defects. you can ask my sponsor. I have absolutely failed as a human being and this little drunk that's sitting before me, I love them more. I am not doing better than God in the love department. I'm not. That's not possible. So it's that lens of if that's how I can feel about you and I really do mean you. If I can feeling that way about you, if I can love you and if I could love you in an unconditional way imagine the depth and breadth of god's love and the love that god has for you man this is an experience i can't get there through here i gotta get there through doing it through action yeah through action and action now we need more action all right step eight step eight now more action without which again it doesn't say chill right didn't they wait around it says now they start using that word a lot more too as we go along now meaning now uh without which we find faith without works is dead let's look at steps eight and nine we have a list of all persons we had harmed into whom were willing to make amends we made it when we took inventory we subjected ourselves to drastic self-appraisal and now we're going to go out to our fellows and repair the damage i make uh you i see you do the same things eight is totally separate from nine and it's it's a good idea to just make your list so that you don't start to descend into all the reasons and all the things about how you're going to make amends and confuse yourself with that being important somehow uh that you can just make a list you've already actually made it it's in the first column of your resentment inventory the last column your resentment directory and out of your sex conduct and then i usually say a prayer here to say, is there anybody else that belongs on this list that maybe didn't come up through my inventory? And I have found names that way as well. But I make a list of all those people separate before I start to think about nine, before I started to think about amends, before i start to get together with my sponsor to talk through some of them. Before I start knocking on doors, I have completed an eight-step list and it doesn't matter if I want to make the amend, if I think it's a good idea to make the amend. If I know how, if I know where they are, none of that stuff is relevant to the eighth step because I'm just making a list. But it's very clear about, you know, how many people go on lists. Well, it says we made a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them. All. So I think it's all. I think its all. And again, it's not part of the conversation of well you know never you know which i really like if you have the uh i use a different word there usually uh the f u pile uh in in this but you make your names uh down on your list and and and it it comes out of your inventory uh you can do it on paper you can doing index cards again it doesn't matter how you housekeep it it just matters if you get it done but but make this list and those ones where you're like never they still go down on the list and then we actually get some direction about how we're going to handle those ones it says if we haven't the will to do this we ask until it comes so again prayer ask i'm going to ask god to help me to be willing to make the amends for the ones that i'm not willing to make theamends for and there's no time on that there'sno time limit on that it's not like i make the list, and I say, oh, I'm not willing to make these, God. Help me to be willing, and then I never think of it again. Like, that is a process. There were a few amends. It took me a couple of years to actually become willing to Make the Amend. I made the amend, but it took me some time to get there. I had to pray for the willingness. I Had to suffer in pain before I became willing to do it. But make your eight-step list before you start worrying about what the amends are going to be, how you're going to do them, how you'RE going to get in touch, any of that kind of stuff. Get your eight-step list done. Cool? Absolutely, yeah. Yeah, do you want me to dive into some willingness stuff? Yeah, yeah, absolutely. So the eight step, it's a list and willingness. And yeah, putting the amends into columns of willingness kind of helps, you know what I mean? It does. Not in the big book, but it helps. And so there's two ways. Once I have my eight-stop list and I popped it in these columns of willingness that there's two ways I can approach it one is the most obvious and intuitive I start making amends with the right nows and as I do that what happens they go well and I start getting some of this spiritual like freedom and I start building that momentum and my later start moving over and that also gives me time to like pray for the nevers and to write out some of the amends ahead of time for some of my maybes and my laters. Do you know what I mean? And that helps build momentum. So, that is the most intuitive way. The other way is to start with the nevers. Now, I was mentioned and I spoke at the backroom meeting a couple years ago and I was talking on step eight. And during that talk, I had this thought that became an actual thing. And I said, listen, if you start with your nevers, I'll get you a patch that says a men's badass. And so, I have done that i have sponsees that are uh patch where i don't know like they got a patch it's got pink uh amends badass because they started with their never amends and the idea behind it is like man if that is the most scary intimidating awful thing that i could ever do let's rip off that freaking band-aid and it's all downhill from there you don't have to do that but if you do i will spend like if we're talking about willingness apparently it's just me bribing sponsees to do things. But like, if you do that, I will get you a patch that says amends badass on it. I will come find me and like, I'll give you my number. You don't have to drive to Calgary or fly out or anything. I'll send it to you. You'll have it. Absolutely. And another thing that I've done with sponseese, like I have a lot of fun working with my sponseeses in step eight. Some things that I found that help build willingness is I write out the amends with them ahead of time and so they have it on a sheet of paper or cue cards if I know cue cards are a bit of an Ontario thing um so that they can take it and when we make that amends we can say like hey I just want to be very clear I wrote this down not because this is not from my heart but because this amends is important to me and I want to make sure I don't leave anything off and it doesn't have to be a perfect script but we all know what it's like to like go make that amends and the nerves and the, you know, it's good to have. And so that's something I do with my sponsees. Another, I have two other shenanigan ways of building willingness. The first is a game I only play it with their consent. It is important. It's called a men's roulette. Yeah, yeah, I know. it's the yeah uh with their consent nobody is thrust upon a men's roulette uh and so obviously it's what it sounds i put their eighth step last on a virtual amends wheel this is not in the big book so feel free to disregard uh and and we and we've played some men's Roulette and it's i will say it is fun and to be fair i am on the sponsor side of things as we play it uh but man i've had some fun and it'S BEEN INCREDIBLE HOW GOD HAS WORKED AND MOVED IN THAT NOW IF YOU'RE LIKE OH I don't want to do that. One of the other things I do, again, not in the big book, is I have created amenders. If you don't know what an amender is, Dr. Bob, when Bill showed up, he's like, man, I am willing to do everything. Not tell people I'm an alcoholic and make that right. Not that. And then so we went on a bender. And then after his bender, he went out and made all his amends in a day. Therefore, an amenda. And so... Amender! Yeah. And some of you who were at the Cambridge, you guys got the sticker that says amender and it's got dr bob on it because i'm a child um but i i've created these like amender competitions where it's like a race to five amends a race two ten amends and they got like fight posters like it's a ufc thing and we've even started doing teams and prizes and and it is like one of those things like this work is deadly serious and i take it deadly serious but there's some fun we can have along the way and if the thing that is keeping somebody from making their amends is that Team USA is ahead of point? Well, Team Canada, let's hustle. You know what I mean? If it'll get it done, we'll get them done. You Know What I'm Saying? And just another good way to make amends or to build willingness, it's on page 77 when it says, nevertheless with the person we dislike, we take the bit in our teeth, which is to go and do it. So one of the ways in which I can build willingness to make amends ist to reach out and find the people and send the approaches. And listen, everyone's always like, man, I'm going to send out all these approaches and they're all going to want to hear from me right away. No, they won't, I promise. They don't get back to you right away and once we've sent that approach, boom, ball is in motion and we do it anyways, we do It Scared. So that's what I would say for eight. Nice. Yeah. I like it. Who's winning? AA. Yeah, yeah, AA. They're sober and so if you guys are wondering, Team Canada absolutely demolished Team USA Like, it was so bad I had to issue a bunch of spiritual green cards so I could get some people to, like, join TV or something. Yeah, and now we've got Team Harry Potter versus Team Green, and it's, like – it's neck and neck. So it's teams. So we've Got 22 for Team Green and 21 for Team Harry Potter. Oh, wow. And so, you know, those are amends that might not have gotten made if we weren't – Star Trek. Yeah, it seems – yeah. Yeah, we can do Team Star Wars versus Team Star Trek after. Absolutely. May the force be with you. so you've got your amends you list you have your willingness what are you going to do now you're going to go out into the world yes and you're gonna start making amends uh make it made of direct amends important word direct amens to such people where wherever possible except when to do so would injure them or others you are not others um i i was given a a script a format a way to to do this that's what i've used it's what I've used with other people. You have your list and you, yeah, like you said, there's lots of different ways to slice it up and do it. But when you have your appointment, you've set an appointment with the person, you made an approach at their convenience, you're going to get together with them. And what I was told to do is I'm going to introduce myself as a sober member of Alcoholics Anonymous. I'm gonna ask them if I've harmed them in any other way or if there's anything else they would like to tell me, and I'm going to shut up and listen. No matter how bad that can feel, I'm just going to shout up and list. And I don't have to make amends for how badly going to make amends went. So it's best just to be quiet about it and listen, and then I'm going to offer what I think the amend is or what I've come up with. And then I would ask them if that is sufficient or if there's anything else that would make it right. Or in the case of I don't know, if I really haven't been able to come up with it, then I will say, I'm not sure how to make this right. How can I do this? How can we repair this? And then I do it because the amend is not the conversation. The amend is the action I take after. An amend is not an apology, you know, to change, alter, to repair. I have to put the damage, I to fix the damage i have to repair the relationship i have to pay back the money i have to whatever the innumerable forms these amends take that is the amend and the amend is finished when that's finished not when i've sat and had the conversation with the person um the the that that was sort of the framework i was given uh to do it in and and have followed um the reason for introducing yourself as a sober member of alcoholics anonymous i've heard about it with other people it's happened to me as well uh is i am sort of an ambassador for aa in that moment you know like i've gone as i mentioned some shoplifting stuff like the steel uh gone back to make shoplifting amends and tell the tell the person i'm in alcoholics anonymous and i've come back after 15 years to pay for some shoplifting i did what do you think they're talking about that night like what do what do you Think their opinion of Alcoholics Anonymous is in that Moment what if they know somebody who needs some help are they going to think oh hey remember that crazy guy who came in here uh it happened to my own family where i got to help a relative out because i went and made amends with an aunt she didn't know as an alcoholic synonymous i introduced myself as a sober member even as somebody who knows you i still do it and i was able to talk to her brother after that because of that conversation a couple months later he was in trouble she reached out to me so I might be the only person they run into from Alcoholics Anonymous and here I am trying to set things right in the world so that's an important thing to do then you know to say what I how I think I've harmed them but I have to open it up to them too because what I think about all the time is me and everybody else is just sort of a side character in my play and so I maybe didn't quite get it right you know like oh you know oh I here I did this thing, but I actually did much more and they need to talk to me about that. And some real freedom can come out of that conversation for both sides. You know, it's not just me. I'm trying to fit myself with maximum service to God and the people about me. But if, you know, if I open that up to them, they can tell me a lot more things I didn't realize, things I Didn't think about. Or the worst one is they'll say something like, huh, I didn'T remember that. How dare you? Do you know how important I am I've been thinking about this for 20 years no don't say that but you know it's to open up to them and to listen to them to what they have to say and you know if I've hurt them in any other way if there's anything else they need to tell me about that and then to open it up to what I think the amend like I said in most cases I have something in some cases I don't know but in either case I mean I'm going to ask them if it's sufficient or what they think would be uh sufficient and then i'm going to go do it that that was yeah so that's yeah absolutely and yeah my oh you've got one there great yeah it's very very very similar and uh for me that sort of first explaining uh i'm a member of alcoholics anonymous often that that doesn't for me happen during the amends it happens for the approach because i've kind of got to explain what i'm doing i just found that over the years um and it can look something like i'm sober member of Alcoholics Anonymous, and part of me staying well requires that I look upon my past and set right my mistakes. And I can see that my past behavior has caused you harm. I'd love the opportunity if you would allow me to sit down and make it right. Something like that. I did come from the school of, you don't have to say you're in AA, but I will say, and I absolutely agree, how often God works in an amends. How often an amens will turn into a 12-step call. Do you know what I mean? But if, if I'm in a place where like maybe it absolutely isn't appropriate that I say I'm NAA, I can say, hey, I've just been reflecting upon my life and I see that I caused you harm. Would you be open to sitting down and having a discussion where I talk about what I did and what I can do to make it right? And I, in the second part that I have here, like what I Did, I find it's always important when appropriate to be specific and focus on my defects of character. Because if I'm just telling you what I did, it could be a bit of a laundry list, like it doesn't always land well. I'm being just my defects of character, it can be, yeah, not... What I will say is I have learned a lot about amends through receiving poor ones. I had somebody come up to me one time and try to make an amends, God bless her, and she was like, I need to make amends. I was really judging you. Okay. And I, what I will say, I was like, I received it with grace and I was not bothered. I'm like, girl, I get it. But that like, that could lead to that. Like, Hey, I Was Judging. I was got like, maybe I don't need to say quite that right. To be a little bit more vague in that case. And I love that. It's like at their convenience. I had somebody that was reaching out to make an amends and was like. Well, if it's not going to happen on my schedule, I'm like, oh, you're making amends to me. You know we want to make it at their convenience. And, oh, actually, you know what? I'll circle the loop. So here's an example of number two. And before I circled the loop, one more example. I received an amends from somebody who was like, okay, I'm going to make amends for this and this. And oh, no, not that. Which is, again, why it's really helpful to have it written out ahead of time. And I want you to know I didn't ask I just I didn't ask so I when I received them I really tried to do receive them with grace because I know what it's like all right so let's imagine why I'm here right and what I did um so I need to acknowledge that when I stole your car that was incredibly selfish and dishonest and inconsiderate when I slept with your husband that was a breach of trust and when I I was close to the circle we're making amends it was a breach of trust and it was incredibly dishonest and inconsiderate and I crossed boundaries I should not have crossed and here's the thing when we're in an amends we might want to say a sorry it's not the end of the world if a sorry comes out in an Amends it's fine but what's more powerful than I'm sorry and in some cases people do need to hear an I'm Sorry they do need to hear a contrition but what's a little bit more powerful is that was wrong of me or you did not deserve that and uh and so when I peed on your carpet that was incredibly inconsiderate and selfish and dishonest when I tried to hide it and say no no no it was all linoleum and uh I love I love that like is there any other way um and and I like to open it up like do you also need to share with me about how my actions made you feel and yeah I come with the what can I do to make it right as well and and if I owe money I've got to show up with money or some money in a payment plan that I follow through on oh yeah yeah yeah it's fine yeah yeah absolutely yes what we do not do is like no what bike gross uh like deflect defend no so yeah it is like it's that acknowledgement and it's like i am i am sorry that was wrong yeah it's just it's that acknowledgement and whatever they say is true. Do you know what I mean? So we just receive it and own it and acknowledge it. And even if we don't remember it, we can say, you know, I am so sorry that that, you Know, slipped my mind or that I don't Remember, but I can see how selfish and inconsiderate I've been. Does that kind of make sense? Cool. And yeah, with the what can I do to make it right? In my experience, nine times it says in the book at nine cases out of 10, the unexpected happens. You know what's unexpected? It goes well. I never go to an amends and like, it's going to, I'm always like, they're going to call the cops. I haven't committed a crime, but they're gonna arrest me. No, it goes well, but in those cases, what can I do to make it right? Oftentimes for me, it'S like, oh no, this was more than enough. Keep doing what you're doing, and so what do I do? Keep doing What you're doing. It's a gimme. Yeah, gimme amends. No. No, no, no. Keep doing what I'm doing. What I can do to make it right is continue on this way of life. What can I do to Make It Right is continue to make the amends that I'm making. What can i do to MAKE IT RIGHT is continue TO PRAY, TO MEDITATE, TO WORK WITH OTHERS THIS WAY OF LIFE. And so it is not just I get to live this way of life so I get TO BE FREE but I get To LIVE THIS WAY OF LIFESO THAT I CONTINUE TO MAKE THOSE AMENDS. Does that make sense? Or to find a way that they'll accept and I find that one with parents most often oh you go to your oh you know I owe you twenty thousand dollars mom and oh no dear we just love you we're so happy you just keep doing what you're doing and I go back to my sponsor and I'm like oh I don't have to pay the money back to my parents and it's like oh you just have to find a way that they'll accept it because what did I you know he sold their money I sold their time and so how can I make that right would they go on a trip you know would they accept uh are they into something that you know do they collect something? Do they enjoy something? What if I showed up with, you know, $20,000 worth of tickets over the next 10 years to go and see shows that they like? Like, I do need to find a way to make that right. Even if they're out of the gate, they're kind of, oh no, no, dear, that's okay. Like I do, I still owe them that and finding a way to do that. We're kindof coming down to break time again. I will say the book covers many, many situations, many, many approaches. And the overwhelming information is, yes, you have to make that amend. You have to find a way to make that amendment. This is an area where you really need your sponsor to work with your sponsor. I'm not particularly good at the except where to do so would injure them or others part of this. So I really need my sponsor in that regard because I will qualify myself out of amends that I need to be making and I will maybe make some amends that I shouldn't be making. That person definitely never needs to see you again. You know, and so there's a lot of information. So work with your sponsor. The other thing I would say too is you can find someone who has made an amend similar to yours if you ask around in the rooms, talk to people, ask for advice. It's all been made. It's always been done. None of us are unique. You know we've all done a lot of the same stuff and so the willingness is the key, right? It's not, don't think how can I not make this amend or why I shouldn't have to make this amend, or why the things that were done to me were so much worse than what I did. If that's your mindset, you will not be successful in this area, and if you're not successful in this era, you Will not stay sober. The approach is even if you don't know how to make the amend, you're Not sure about it, take an attitude of willingness into this, pray for that willingness, talk to others, try to find a way to make the amend, even if you're not sure about it, if you are scared of it, all that kind of stuff. Because again, all of this is back to one. We agree to go to any lengths. Our real purpose is to fit ourselves to be of maximum service to God and the people about us. We don't want to die an alcoholic death. So any discomfort I have about a particular amend, it's not whether or not I think that's a good idea, it's whether or Not I want to live or die that I'm up against. And so if you take that attitude of like, how can I do it? I'm scared. I don't know how to do it. I don' t know how find them. I don''t know. That's okay. But praying for that willingness, working with your sponsor, talking to other people about it, being open to the opportunity because also God will just throw somebody in your path. You'll be walking down the street and then all of a sudden there's, oh my God, there they are. And I can turn the corner in fear and hope they didn't see me or I can take the opportunity to go up and say, hey, could I talk to you for a minute? Jeff's going to talk to us for a second, I almost said the B word we're not doing the B word, Jeff is going to be talking to us and then we'll be back All right. Thanks, Brian. Thanks Paige. Okay. Just a couple of things. We're going to pass the basket around. Contribute if you can. And as I said earlier, if you want to do any transfer, Leo's here. He's available. You can talk to Leo. What a thing I want to point out. For those of you that missed it at the beginning, these two individuals have never worked together before. So if you think spirituality, I don't know what to say. So don't forget, we've tried to absorb a lot today. If you're not catching everything word for word, go see James, go see Bill, and MP3s are available, or CDs are available and there's also e-transfer available for that. Senga and Cat are at the back there. They're going to do going to be there for a few more minutes but after this next break they're going to do a draw. Yes, Senga, after the next break? Now or after the next break. This is the only break. I said no, I mean when we come back from break. Yes. That's what I mean. Okay. So we're straight there. So everybody have a great comeback here at quarter two.