The Fourth Column and Spiritual Sickness – Sponsorship Workshop – 2024 – Part 10 of 16 – Ali H.

Thank you, Mickey. Thanks, Kunal. Hi, everybody. My name is Ali. I'm a grateful alcoholic. Thank you so much again. So nice to see you. Can we get somebody that's moved too from their heart just any version of the set aside prayer? Just put up your hand electronically. Well, there it is, Terry Las Vegas. Come on up, please. morning terry alcoholic god please help me set aside everything i know or i think i know about you about the book about myself about recovery and give me a new attitude and a new outlook about you myself the big book and recovery amen amen thank you terry okay um a couple of things uh So to this weekend, we have our Ontario Regional Conference. It's one of the biggest ones in Canada, maybe in North America, but definitely I think the biggest one in Canada. And so we have a few friends that are missing today from the workshop because they're attending the conference right now. So it becomes even more imperative to please help each other out and make sure to, you know, form little groups to take each other through what was missed. I think that's part of the journey, right? That helps us just practice what we've been doing to pass it on. Just a couple of things I know, I haven't been on it but from what I heard is that there is a WhatsApp group for the workshop and apparently there's hundreds of people in and which is fantastic what i have also heard from some people is that there are so many messages that they're muting in it's becoming ineffective okay so if it's effective for you keep keep you know visiting that and if you find that it's ineffective i think uh it's better to form smaller groups together and smaller what's up groups and then just you know if someone misses something you can help them sort of take them through that would be fantastic and as always it's just so much better and such a deeper experience when i pick up the phone or uh when i do a zoom call and actually just take someone through that rather than send them notes so just please consider that as well um and one more thing is it's been in my head it's always in my hand so i just want to say it so it doesn't like bother me so it's on the table so you know i have i've i've been so blessed to meet so many of you and when i get on the call sometimes i feel i i want to say hi to everybody say everybody's name but if i don't say your name please don't not that i don t see you i don' appreciate you it just there's so many people okay so please uh please forgive me if i dont if i agree with you personally just there are so many ppl who have so much respect and love for you all and so i'm so humbled that we are on this journey and you guys are taking your time to be on this call again this is second seven i believe okay so so why don't we just jump right in and then uh and then and then see see where the spirit takes us so where we left off last week was page 65 bottom of page 65. we finished it we took a look at the example so we went through that we went to the first um three columns and the assignment was for anyone that's moved to to work on the first three columns um do a master list of current resentments and then the cause and then how that how that was affected and uh by the way if you are never moved to in this workshop to do that that's perfectly fine too it's still going to be beneficial you can still pass it on right and if you haven't done the assignment no problem you can catch up this week right along with column four all good god doesn't make two hard terms so let's go to the bottom page 65. when we we went back through our lives nothing counted but thoroughness and and honesty, please circle the word honesty. When we were finished, we considered it carefully. Please circle the with it. Put an arrow to the bottom margin. Please write the first three columns. The first three column. So up to now, I think it's important for the new person to know, right? Well, what am I considering here? we just did three columns the first recall especially the third one right that's what we're considering the new person is considering after they finished the first three columns the first thing apparent was that this world and its people were quite wrong were often quite wrong question mark so at this point in time uh the new person the sponsee has uh the prospect has has finished the the first three columns right so what they're doing these are now considerations for the first three columns after they've done them if any friends were moved to uh due to the first three columns uh currently for current resentments during the last week you can you're asking yourself these questions regarding that piece of inventory if anyone if for the friends that haven't done it just consider that in your many inventories that you've written in the first three columns is that true for me at this point in time so the first thing apparent was that this world as people were often quite wrong question mark after wrong we're just going to put wise close to the question mark as in yes okay to conclude that others were wrong was as far as most of us ever got question mark is that truth for me to some degree the usual outcome was that people continued to wrong us and we stayed sore question mark The power of this sacred text comes from when I can see myself in it. That's the power of it. Otherwise, it's just some words, right? Sometimes it was remorse and then we were sore ourselves, question mark. But with the more we fought and tried to have our own way, the worse matters got, question. Is that true of my current resentments or my past resentments? as in war the victor only seemed to win our moments of triumph were short-lived question mark is was that true for me the moments of triumvirate where i won an argument and where my voice was louder or i checkmated somebody with my intellect when i just felt good at that time isn't my experience that that was short lived i walk away an hour later it's still inside of me i should have said this i should have said that i'm not free as in war the victor only seemed to them seem to win okay beautiful it is saying that a life which includes deep resentment leads only to futility and unhappiness question mark is that my experience so far from writing this first three columns futility i believe it's uselessness right somebody look it up i believe i've looked at it before but my memory is not the greatest futility and unhappy is it true that deep resentments when i have them when i'm sucked in by him when i'm imprisoned by him i'm just not useful in life and i'm just unhappy to the precise extent that we permit these do we squander the hours that wider than worthwhile question mark man i remember my head going and having resentments about something that happened at work and i've just not able to be present with my son and play with her and be in love and be happy like I'm trying but I'm somewhere else man squat into the hours worthwhile it just steals this dis-ease of alcoholism my resentment what the big book that classifies categorizes as the number one offender it takes away my life from me life is lived in this moment right here right now in this conversation steals it from me is it true it's going to be hours worthwhile question mark and then a why if you grab the yellow highlighter please important now but with the alcoholic whose hope is the maintenance and growth circle with pen the word growth every time in this big book we're gonna see continuing growth we're going to continue right i think butch was telling me there was a long time i forget his name he used to say in this program you're either growing or you're going there's no more of the road i'm either growing i'm going it's pre-circled the word growth and then continuing yellow of of a spiritual experience continuing yellow this business of resentment is infinitely grave it's deadly continuing yellow we found that it is fatal it's badly continuing yellow for when harboring such feelings we shut ourselves off from the sunlight of the spirit the insanity of alcohol returns and we drink again end of yellow okay so we started the yellow from but with the alcoholic whose hope is and then we ended it with the line the insanity of alcohol turns and we drank again okay no more yellow no more highlighting and again when i as i have moved as i'm taking a new person in and it's so beautiful i think because i keep saying this but because it's been my experience right uh nobody has to mimic anybody here not that we don't not that i don't learn from my elders from the people that i truly put on pedestals and i just i admire some of whom are in this call not that they don't learn from them not that I don't steal some of this stuff sometimes it actually becomes a part of my experience i do it but but i don' t have to mimic anyone i just have to copy the big book of all i have to follow and mimic the direction of the big book and then so as i'm taking the newcomer with the question marks and the highlight comes the spirit invokes something inside of me if i need to share i'll share i will ask a question from them if i need to this is a god deal it's a spiritual led deal it is not a mechanical deal at its core right okay so sorry the best the drink is to die okay if we were to live we had to be free of anger the grouch and the brainstorm were not for us they they they may be the dubious luxury of normal men but for alcoholics these things are poison okay the ground's like always here until anger the brain storm pressure said this i should have said that f them that i want to plan this oh my god no wonder so many alcoholics you hear they shoot themselves in the head or the hand just did the voice shut up here we go here's some freedom now okay grab the pink please grab the paint please pink remember is uh promises prayers and meditations promises and prayers really okay return back to the list for it held the key to the future that's pink that's a promise we go back to the list we hold it holds a key to the future in yellow please important we were prepared to look at it from an entirely different angle yellow to make it stand out from the pink it's important we begin no more yellow we began to see that the world and its people really dominated us question mark after dominated us please put the why leave the left margin alone put the why somewhere close to the question mark right when i'm in resentment for years before and sometimes till now when I'm deep in resentment with it this ease of alcoholism has me lulled into a delusion that it's your fault my discomfort is as if like I'm giving you the whoever the person is that I have resentment against the remote control to my feelings here you go press it jump feel bad feel sad you get angry right they dominate me the world and its people really dominate me okay in that state the wrongdoing of others circle this please fancied or real doesn't matter fanciED or real whether 100 it was in my head that they're talking about me or the guy really punched me in the face doesn't matter fancier real had power to actually kill resentment has a power to kill me it destroys everything in my life kills everything good in my life and eventually left untreated a drink is around the corner and i and i die how could we escape we saw that these resentments must be mastered but how in yellow please we could not wish them away any more than alcohol we could not wish them away any more than alcohol. So from that highlight, we could not wish them away anymore than alcohol, could not with that line. If you put a little line to the left margin, little line and arrow to the right margin, we're going to write long ways. So but the left margin is not facing you please turn it clockwise yeah nine degrees please write this now this is important eh well i think it's i don't have the power to work on my own resentments i don t have the power to work on my own resentments that's what they're talking about here earlier on i through my step one experience i became present to the fact that i am powerless i don't have the power of choice i never did i never i don'T and i will never do have the power of CHOICE i'm powerless so we're picking up the drink and then they tell me the root cause your illness is a self-centeredness you suffer from a spiritual illness the the the major source of which the biggest offender the mother of all spiritual illnesses is resentment everything else comes from that and then they tell me you don't even have the power to work on your resentments we could not wish them away anywhere than we could alcohol okay in yellow now this was our course this was a okay we excuse me we realized please circle the word realize we're going to write some notes here okay in the fourth column we're gonna have a bit of notes that's all highlighting we realize okay would you mind please if you put it next to the circle hmm yeah next to the circle realized let me see how do we want to do this put an asterisk right to the right of the circle asterisks like a star and put brackets around it okay hold on to that thought so we realize that the people who wronged us were perhaps spiritually sick though we did not like their symptoms and the way they disturbed us grab the yellow highlighter, please. They like ourselves were sick too. They like ourselves we're sick to that's yellow highlight, please. They like ourselves were sick too Okay. Again, as always in the spirit of this workshop, not being about anybody anybody's unpacking and breaking down and being about um passing this message on to the next person and us sharing together i'm gonna i'm going to ask to please put up your hands electronically whoever is moved uh to share on this okay specific example laser like okay not a whole general share please specific example laser like okay so but we're not finished okay they we highlighted they like ourselves were sick too please circle you highlight it in yellow like ourselves we want to make it really stand out like ourselves okay so we realize that the people who wronged us was perhaps spiritually sick At the beginning of this paragraph, it says we're prepared to look at it from a different angle. The experience that I have in this life is directly proportional to the angle at which I look at life. Most of the time, or the point of view that I had in my life, most of the time, my point of you was like this. Okay, for those who are not going to listen to audio later on I have my fist uh sort of and my eye and I'm looking through a little small hole most of the time my point of view is like this and I believe I can see everything right so what happens when I start to look at it from a different angle I open up this hole a little bit I look at it from another angle okay so now here's an angle they introduced me to when somebody has hurt me perhaps i can consider okay i realize that they are spiritually sick though i did not like their symptoms and the way they hurt me they check this out like ourselves were sick too so not that they're spiritually sick and my ebook stands on a spiritual hilltop points down and pities on people that are spiritually safe no no like me like me except their spiritual sickness looks a little bit different today, and I'm disturbed by it. And I'm judging it. Okay, good? Okay, so now, so we put an asterisk right next to realize. Now please, if you would, bring that asterisks on the top of page 67, on the top margin, top left, put the same asterix, put brackets around it. We're going to write a couple of lines now. Please write small, okay? That means when you see this realized asterisk you read it and then and then you come back to this okay so i don't know if um anybody has had experience with this this was passed on to me from uh i think a step study about eight years ago i was going through i think it was joe hawk and mark houston i can't remember anyway so this is called the realization consideration okay next to this asterix please write small please write realization consideration realization consideration and then put a colon after consideration. Okay, ready? So now this is what I asked myself. This is the consideration when somebody, this is all before I started writing the fourth column, right? So I finished the first three columns and I come, so realization consideration. Here it is. Have I done the same? I'm gonna read the whole thing so you get an idea for how much space you need, then I'll keep reading it slowly. Have I done the same things I resented in column two to the person in column one and or others? Have I done the same things have I done the same things I resented in column two comma three To the person in column 1 and slash or others question mark. Have I done the same things I resented in column 2 to the person in column one and or others? That's a realization consideration. One more time. Have I been the same thing I resanted in column two to the person in column one and or others and kuna and trish are going to be typing that up in the chat for you and if not all good we'll figure it out we'll help each other okay so can i get some before we go on can i just get some get some hands from some friends that i've moved to just on that realization question okay not a big general share i have this resentment that's a realization question for her. That's what I've done to her to talk about this, okay? Ready? Susan, come on up please. Susan Alcoholic. Yes, the resentment against my boss for trying to make a case to get rid of me because I was a whistleblower on a fraud case but in the past i have pissed them off by telling the truth when it didn't need to be said the way i said it thank you susan vinay come on up please yeah hi uh yeah you know it's so difficult for me when i was first doing the sports stuff. It's so difficult for me to look through my delusions and my fears. You know, I had a seeding resentment against somebody who molested me when I was a kid. And you know what? When I was looking at this realization effect, what I came to realize is, you know, I saw this person 30 years after the event, and it caused shame and embarrassment and fear in me. And you knew what? I've done the same. I've caused shame, embarrassment, and fear in people not by molesting them but i've done this to people that i love you know so the only difference between this person and me is the nature of our sins that's about it you know that was a big realization for me thank you beautiful thank you brother thank you vene tally come on up please my friend Thank you. Wow. I recently moved to Connecticut to live closer to my son, and as I lived closer to him and he's a sweetheart of many days, but there are some days that really have a difficult time. I don't feel invited often enough, I don' t feel. With this resentment, I asked myself as I've discussed with you a number of things, i looked and i asked myself have i ever been harsh with my mom before she died am i living with this harsh with those harsh words am i leaving with the fact that did she always feel invited and welcome as i expect my son to invite and welcome me all the time and uh yeah i have done the same thanks beautiful thank you thank you tally valerie come on up please hi everybody i'm valerie alcoholic i hope you can hear me this is uh regarding my father and all i'm going to say is that you know i um i was the oldest of four and i was held responsible for my siblings and i was uh really physically abused and beaten on a regular basis and i could do new right no matter what and my father was very very harsh with me so he was like top of my list um the hardest one for me but i want to tell you ali this realization consideration actually it's it's like so from god because it happened to me without being directed it happened to me as i was in this place in writing my inventory with my father and i realized that that he was human not god and i realised that even though i had not been violent like he i was capable of that and it leveled it out and it evened it out and it made it so that i could move forward and it was a miracle it it led to my being able to forgive him um and and it just an amazing process that was definitely the grace of god had nothing to do with me except that i was willing to to do this work and put stuff on thank you valerie barb hi good morning barb alcoholic um so there were several people in my column two uh that did not show up keep their commitments and uh that was probably one of the biggest things that i was doing in my life is not showing up for my commitments and and doing what i said i would do thank you barb beautiful thank you so much everybody so realization consideration have i done the same things i resented in column two to the person column one and of others perhaps they are spiritually sick like i am that just it's just that realization question um i don't even have to like write any notes on it just to consider it before each fourth column it just minimizes my ego cracks the door enough for the light to start to come in for me to start to look at right what are my mistakes which we're going to get to now right so if you grab if you got the pink please prayer now we ask god to help us show them the same tolerance pity and patience that we would cheerfully grant a sick friend that's in pink okay it's a prayer it's if that's in pink please we ask God to help me show them the same tolerant pity and patients that we will will cheerfully grant a sick friend that's in pink so just by the way if i ever say anything like to write this note and if it really like i ask you to set aside everything that you think you know just set it aside but if something really doesn't jive with you then just don't do it okay no big deal okay so this is one of them so uh you know what where it says tolerate excuse me tolerance pity and patience so i don't know about you guys but in these days my understanding of the word pity how we use it is somehow once i say pity i'm above something or somebody and i'm just looking down at them that's how my ego takes it right i don t believe in the 1930s language and in the context of everything that they've said here that's what bill wants bill the spirit wants me to do to look at someone that's less than yeah i just pity you no no no so what i have done is just what i've done it's helped me tremendously when i was stuck is above the word pity i write the word empathy i believe that's more fitting in today's in what the spirit of what pity was back then okay and if you don't think that's true all good right so tolerance empathy and patience empathy is when when I'm able to put myself in another person's shoes. Perfect, so no more pink. When a person offended, we said to ourselves, grab the pink now. Again, we're gonna continue on pink now, prayer. This is a sick man or woman. How can I be helpful to him? God saved me from being angry, thy will be done. That's all in pink. This is the prayer, continuation of that prayer. This is a sick man. How can I be helpful to him? God save me from being angry. Thy will be done. OK, now if you grab the pen right after this is a sick man or woman, whatever in your case, right? This is sick man So from the period or between the word man and how like this is sick men. If you just from the period put a line to the right column and please write like me or to the put just put a line just above it between the two sentences put like me i need to insert that there in my prayer because i don't want to forget just the line before they said like ourselves they were sick too when i'm doing this prayer i want to make sure that my ego is really humbled this is a sick person like me god so like me that's helped tremendously like me how can i be helpful to him god save me from being angry that will be done and then to the right of done in that little space there's different names for it i've heard sick man prayer it doesn't resonate with me what what i what i put is the resentment prayer this is the reason when i have a resentment when i had a resentment i'll just say it i'm not praying for the person i'm praying for me i am the one with the issue not the person okay so i'm not saying don't do that if that's working for you but when i have a resentment i'm now praying for the person to get everything that that's like mental manipulation right i'm telling god i don't really mean that right when i had a resentment I have the issue i'm praying for God to please remove from me these blockages i can certainly pray for people and i do i have list of people every morning i i i pray for you know but not without a resentment not as a solution to get rid of a reason asterix controversy i know there's a story at the back of the book that that that a that that member uh has written that that's their experience they had a resentment and they prayed for two weeks for the person and the resentment went away i understand that and there's nothing wrong with that that may work all i'm saying is that in the solution part that hasn't they haven't told me to do that they've said i have the issue i gotta pray for me right so okay so perfectly resentment prayer so now continue we avoid retaliation no more highlight we avoid retaliation or argument we wouldn't treat sick people that way if we do we destroy our chance of being helpful okay in the third step prayer i made a commitment i made it deal with god god you take care of the details of my life i'm going to stay close to you and do your work well and the prayer itself it tells me what the work is i'm gonna help your other kids god as you take away my difficulties i'm to try to help your others kids and they will see through me i'll be a demonstration of your love your light your power your way of life right so i gotta be useful we avoid retaliation argument we wouldn't treat sick people that way if we do we destroy our chance of being helpful we cannot be helpful to all people but at least grab the pink please it's a promise it could be may turn into a prayer god will show us from god god will show us how to take a kindly and tolerant view of each and everyone God will show us how to take a kindly and tolerant view of each and every one. Just a couple of things. I sort of skipped over that. At the beginning of the prayer, we said we asked God to help us show them the same tolerance, empathy, and patience that we would grant a sick friend. For me, it's like, you know, it is like I usually ask the person newcomer, imagine if you had a the other friend or somebody in your life that that that you love right that you really care about most people do right most people um imagine if this person had cancer and they were in the hospital and they were going through chemo and there were um stage four they were gonna die there was so much pain right there was a pump full of medication and then you your life got so busy that you didn't get a chance to do the weekly visits or every other day visits that you that you were for a couple weeks you were able to visit them you call them up and they start swearing at you you effing peace then you are so selfish i'm dying with look what you do you don't even care about myself right at that point in time this friend that you love very much and you're so clear that they're in so much pain they have cancer they're dying what would your reaction be to them i want you to give the same i want you to bring forth to this fourth column with these prayers the same spirit that you would bring to that friend okay i don't know about you but me i would just let him let him or her say whatever he wants and i'll apologize and i'll go visit them now i may be having a bad day and my ego may be grabbing me And I may say a word or two to them and hang up, but you know what I'm doing soon after? I'm going to the hospital and kissing their feet. That's what I'll do. So that spirit of it. So now, I want to share something with you that maybe some friends here, that's what you've done all the time, but I hadn't before. I was in the big book and I hadn' before. This entire movement of these steps is how can I put it like I have worked these steps I know these are just like finite words they don't mean anything work the steps down the steps who cares right but I've gone through the steps with self-will unknowingly right on the surface but here's the thing that's all I was capable of doing and God spoon-fed me I wasn't wrong for doing that okay I'm not saying that But when I became awake to this, that everything from the third step on is about prayer and guidance. I don't do anything alone. I don'T DO ANYTHING WITH MY BRAIN, WITH MY SELF. EVERYTHING IS ABOUT PRAYER. SO WHAT WE HIGHLIGHTED HERE IS A PRAYer THAT I DO BEFORE EVERY SINGLE FOURTH CALL. BECAUSE I WANT THE SPIRIT TO GUIDE ME. i want i want the pen to become the spiritual translator not ali writing this because ali's gonna ego is going to get in there anyways and the fifth column we remedy that with the sponsor right we are there with this one right but i want this spirit to come through the pen through my arm and jason right from him revealed to me but i need to ask spirit okay so i don't attempt any fourth column without a prayer before it and this this resentment prayer So what I do is before every single fourth column, okay, every single fourth column I have written on a separate piece of paper, okay? I ripped it up. I put realization consideration and then I rewrite that prayer or I have my big book open anyways and I say that prayer and I make it personal. God, please help me show my wife the same tolerance, empathy, impatience that i should be that should be granted as my wife she's a sick person at this moment just like i am no different than me how can i be helpful to her god save me from being angry that will be done god would you please show me how to take a kindly and tolerant view towards my wife i literally i put those together i write it right so obviously i'm not going to write it out for every person so where the name supposed to go i put a blank right i put it blank and i carry that piece of paper with me in every fourth column i say my prayer i sit and then i i wait for a spirit to start moving me let me tell you something let me type like i know something let let me share with you it is a different experience on a different depth when i'm praying before each fourth column with the humility and the awareness that without him i am nothing i need his guidance her guidance it's a different experience of revelation inventory is different man it's just been my experience okay so i hope uh again please don't add anything else to the notes that we've done in the big book because it'll be way too busy right but what i suggest is any other notes you to write just write on the on your notebook there and then you can have it right as you like for example this suggestion to to have the prayer written down okay so so far so good everybody yeah thumbs up or something that everyone's good okay okay good okay good beautiful okay so by the way the the plan i i had prayed and sat a lot i said a lot what the assignment is where do you want this to go god what should we do right and it was supposed it was a 12 approximately 12 sessions okay we'll go with the spirit takes us it'll be when it will be okay um it will take like for example we're going to devote this entire session we're almost done the fourth column probably just to the fourth call and then q a we're gonna do it inside the one and a half hour okay um and then next week we'll do fear next week will do sex we'll cover whatever we can in these 12 sessions but i i believe it'll be enough it'll be enough to move forward okay um um when i'm one-on-one with somebody it's different than a group dynamic it moves a little faster right there's a lot of things we do in the group we have to that we don't have to do right um and then also a side note um i am willing and able to stay uh i believe we'll cover at least till step seven probably finish step nine and maybe into ten by step by session 12. the plan is to finish step 12 right but if we don't if we finish by step 9 and step 10 and 11 that's that's more than enough right it's just that the rest is just you know it's fine but but on a side note i am willing and able and will stay on as long as it takes and whoever wants to stay on with me will stay and and you know anyways that's okay so now let's let's go back to page 67. so one more thing by the way so at this point in time remember we said efficiently effectively powerfully effectively power fully because we stay as true to the text as we can okay because you could be really efficient and not really be in the text it will lose its effectiveness and powerfulness okay but efficiently because the step one chapters who take that takes so long step one and two chapters laser like through these okay now from the inventory onward from step three onwards especially the inventory onwards my if i am not pushing or um or coercing or threatening or warning you got to do it now no i just the big book tells me i just lay down the spiritual kid at tools for their inspection if they pick it up beautiful if they don't all good this is up to spirit now how fast we go from inventory onwards but i'm available but i am available right so and i give them the homework column by the assignments column by column so be bite size i usually give that deadlines or timelines right take one day take two days come back right so i help them along i've done i've done stuff like i remember sponsors um really difficult for them for what no matter what i tried i prayed it was just difficult for that to put pen to paper right i've done things like booked an appointment in a coffee shop and okay you bring your book and you work on your stuff and i'll read a book and have a copy just to give them that encouragement you know what i mean so it's whatever the spirit moves you so from now on don't worry about so much about efficiency and quickly it's not about that the spirit guys the spirit guides okay all right that was a lot let's go back referring to our list again in yellow please referring to our list in yellow putting out of our minds the wrongs others had done comma we resolutely look for our own mistakes that's all in young referring to r list again putting out of our mind the wrong others had done we resolutely look for our mistakes that's in yellow here's the freedom i gotta refer to my list again please circle the word resolutely which we have highlighted in yellow circle resolutely resolute means with determination here's some instructions eh referring to our list again putting out of all my wrongs others had done we resolutely look for our mistakes check this out So, putting what I'm at the fourth column, this junction for me is to put out of my mind what they have done. Meaning, at this point, they don't have a part in this. That may be contrary to some friends' experiences. I'm just going to ask you to please set aside and see if it fits for you. So let's keep reading. I'll come back to this point. No more yellow. Where had we been? Selfish, please circle with pen selfish. Dishonest, please cycle with pen dishonest. Self-seeking, please circled with pen self-seekings. And frightened, please circles with pen frightened. So this is not in yellow but we've circled words. where had we been selfish dishonest self-seeking frightened okay though a situation had not been entirely our fault okay they gave me a little bone give the ego a little boned okay not entirely your fault ali grab the yellow highlighter now we tried to disregard the other person involved entirely, where were we to blame? In yellow, we tried to disregard the other person involved entirely. Where were we to blame?" Okay, no more yellow. The inventory was ours, not the other persons, not the other man's. When we saw our faults, we listed them. We placed them before us in black and white we admitted our wrongs honesty and we're willing to set these matters straight okay so let's just go back to this paragraph a little bit right okay so um i have had experience in the past when i was in and out and i hear sometimes some friends and it was passed on to me because that was passed on to them and i'm not making this wrong okay so that's just please um the fourth column is what was my part what was your part right that's the fourth call now um there's nothing wrong with that if that's working beautiful nothing wrong without if that has been your experience i'm going to invite you to come and look at it from a different angle okay because because when i start to look at her from this angle my experience started deep in and i start to become even more free okay so when i when i write inventory when i used to do what's my part right my ego because like i can't it just ego needs to survive it needs to defend it needs to rationalize it needs be right it needs to be approved all right so my part all of a sudden in my spirit somewhere deep down especially with admins that really got a hold on me right i'm thinking well they have a part well they did this to me okay well okay maybe my part is this right but i invite you to look at the big book and the big boat doesn't say that at all the big both i have discussed and written sometimes not at length short form but at least discuss with the sponsor and what their part is in the second column i've discussed that what they're saying is that you got to look at it from an entirely different angle ali this is a key to your future you're going to become free of that and my freedom does not come from you admitting your mistakes my sobriety and my serenity does not comes from that you know what i mean let's put it another way my sobriety and my peace in my heart is not affected by your mistakes even though it seems like it i know it does right well i'm talking to myself right now i know what it does at times for me right and it's not even impeded or affected by me making mistakes you know what my sobrietty and serenity is affected by By me defending my mistakes, by me needing to defend my mistakes. So now what does the big book say? The big book says, referring to our list again, Ali, put out of your mind the wrong that this person had done. And with determination, you look at your mistakes. Where were you selfish, dishonest, self-seeking, frightened? Though a situation had not been entirely your fault, we get it. Look what I'm supposed to do. I'm supposed to try to disregard the other person involved entirely. The other person doesn't have a part when I'm at the fourth call. This is big, right? This was big for me. You know what I mean? And it's hard, man. The ego wants to fight it at times, right, entirely. Where were we to blame? Where were you to blame, okay? So beautiful. So now, okay, that was a lot. I hope everyone's okay with that. So if you now turn the book counterclockwise, so the right margin is facing you, and so I hope I can explain this properly. The length of this paragraph, which starts from referring to our list again, that line to the end of the paragraph. We're going to do our writing, just keep it to the length of this paragraph. So one line, two lines, three lines, whatever it is, right? So up high, please write column four. This is column four, column four highlight that in yellow. so column four has one of two headings and the big book doesn't say it's my part I'm not saying that anyone's wrong doing that I'm saying my experience became deeper when I looked at what the big hook is actually saying okay so two headlings so call for I hope there's room that you can write two small lines the length of that paragraph the first line is right below call for or write the right below called for please write where am i to blame that's the fourth column where am I to blame that's it that's the first one first line below call four where am I to Blame that's one possible heading of the fourth column okay and then put the word or and then go right below it we're going to write a line approximately the same length or another heading possible heading that they give me what are my mistakes where am i to blame what are mine mistakes that's the fourth column that's where my freedom comes from where am I to blame whatever my mistakes okay beautiful what am i to blame what am I missing okay we're going to write some definitions I'm just going to say a couple words I'm going to share with you one inventory from the past and then we're gonna bring some hands up and put any Q&A and anything else okay I think today able to do a Q&A within the time allowed or anything sharing when I said okay so um okay so now we have now room in the bottom margin We have room in the bottom margin of page 67. We have room in the bottom margin of page 66. So we're going to try the bottom margin of page 67 I have we're going to define selfish self-seeking dishonest fear so it's right there um it's going to be four lines please write small the first bullet point and if you can't fit on the bottom of the page 67 just go to 66 no problem continue with it so bullet point as high to the left as you can get to the bottom margin there please write selfish colon selfish colon this is a working definition okay So it means, it's a definition that we're using to do what we're doing. It's not the only definition. Please don't get stuck and rigid on what it is, right? Something else helps you use that definition no problem. Selfish, where and how am I selfish? Where and how my selfish? where and how am I selfish below it little bullet point we're still writing small as possible self-seeking colon self- seeking colon what is my ego seeking from the situation slash person. Okay, I'm going to repeat it again. What is my ego seeking from the situation slash persona? What is your ego seeking? What are you seeking from this situation slash person? So for example, I don't know. I go to my parents' house and my dad starts yelling. Okay, so I get resentful. I get a little bit irritated. Where am I selfish? Well, in that moment the only thing i'm concerned about is how i'm feeling about the situation really it doesn't matter what he went through his pain what the background of the story well that stuff matters i'm just thinking about what how am i feeling self right um self-seeking what is my ego seeking from the situation slash person right in that my ego is seeking um um what is mijn ego seeking from the situation or seeking for for him seeking calm seeking comfort seeking respect at all costs by the way at all cost i don't care what's happening to him i want from him calm respect to me and my mom i was just i just wanted right comfort that's my ego speaking i'm seeking comfort at all costs right i'm just making it up as we go along right so what is my ego seeking from the situation slash person what is self-seeking usually self-aseeking respect approval uh acknowledgement you know self-eseeking and it's not that it's bad to want those things but when self seeks it self doesn't give a about anything or anyone i just need it like i need oxygen at all costs well i don't see it that way i don's hear that one okay so so you define that what is my ego seeking from the situation slash person uh one more bullet point okay we have two more bullet points but if you run out of room just go to the bottom page 67 do the same thing one more point below self self-seeking dishonest holden we're gonna define dishonest with some words okay and so dishonest call them lies karma so lies is a very surface dishonesty it's usually easy to see for most people for me certainly it's easy to say i lied right i love i fit i didn't tell the truth lies comma withholding truth comma another form of dishonesty that's not as always as always as easy for me to see like when i withhold truth but i'm not withholding truth let's say because i just don't want to hurt that person's feelings and it's just not the right thing to say you know i'm withholding truths because if i say that i don't have confrontation i don' t want her to find out how much money i spent and i could have paid that bill i'm with holding truth yeah i'm just not lying she didn't ask me so i didn't tell her a lot like withholding true so lies comma withholding through here the last two are a lot more difficult for me to see i'm getting better at it but for me to see when i'm really when the resentment really has its hooks in me remember a solitary self-preparation seldom suffices later on in the fifth step they talk about right so we have lies we have karma with holding truth comma manipulations manipulations comma that's harder to see that form of dishonesty you know how sometimes i say something to you uh because i know that you're gonna be affected about somebody and in a nonchalant way not really gossiping just saying it because i know i knowthat you're going to be affected and then you're going to go address it with that person because i don't want to address itwith that person myself manipulations very crafty very craft dishonest manipulations okay carla and the last one with dishonesty one of the hardest for me to see delusions delusions i usually need a sponsor someone that is standing from the outside that i've given spiritual consent to that it cares about me in a fifth step to maybe ask me to look at it from a different angle delusions i'll give you an example my father remember i i you know when i started sometimes talked about him i hated them for years right i blamed them addict beat me all that kind of speed us all the time right and him and i are loved today by the way i love him right so here's one of the delusions i came out in my image with my original inventory and then sometimes subsequent inventories right in that i blamed him for years for not being the kind of dad that i wanted or perhaps a kid neither right the delusion that i was suffering from was this so here is the thing he this poor man didn't have to give me what i was asking him to give me because i was never given to him to give to me when your beat kicked out at the age of 12 and beaten and molested what do you have to give it's it's like me going walking by a homeless person in downtown toronto and every single day for 35 years demanding 100 from him and the poor guy is ripped up i'm not trying to demean my dad it's just an illusion just the illustration right analogy so slobbering and drunk and ripped up and tattered and dirty is just yells at me and throws a penny at me so it was a dime in me and i'm pissed off at this homeless person for 35 years blaming every single failure in my life from at the age of 35 still what a delusion i suffer from how am i demanding 100 from a homeless person that doesn't have to give to me because it was never given to him who's the sick one now you tell me right that's a delusion that's one example of a delusional it's hard to see sometimes for me right and i suffer from it a lot man in fact i suffer the delusions resulting from the stories that this sick brain tells me about the facts and events in my life. I suffer from the delusions embedded in the stories that this sickness tells me about. This sick brain tell me about the events and facts in my life. I suffer in stories that I tell myself. I don't suffer in facts. My father beat me. i'm a loser i'm not good for nothing he doesn't love me it's story story story story story fact he beat me that's it fact he be me but it's not that easy that's why this path is here that's why you're the loving sponsor that's my prayer i need god to show me i need to put pen to paper but when i come to that freedom man one of the aspects of god is so step 11 says be quick to see where religious people are right be quick to make use of books that they have to offer rabbis priests and i say any other spiritual person really i think fits that right so emmett fox i met fox so that means i i have permission to talk about other stuff right a little bit so emma fox which book was it um man just beautiful beautiful i just love his writings oh man i just i forget which book it was but somewhere along there along the way in the chapter he talks about the seven aspects of god or seven characteristics of god right one of them is truth i how i experience this god god is when i stand in truth know the truth and you will be free the truth will set you free we turn back to the list for it held the key to our future we're looking at it prepared to look at it from an entirely different angle I suffer in the lies that I live in in truth I am free in truth I'm free that's what this fourth column does for me I experience God why is it that I write a piece of inventory and I start to feel lighter and I can breathe exact same thing nothing changed outside why is it because now i stand in truth of what's really going on because i get to look at my selfishness my dishonesty my self-seeking and then my fears okay so now one one last bullet point one last little bit point if you can fit it there if not bottom page 66 fear here we're going to define fear or frightened they say but we just put here colon it's not really a definition it just makes a little bit more clear okay so please write fear and then put in a bracket the letter s right next to the r like fear that means or fears right that's all that means fear put in brackets the letter as fear or fears underlying and fueling resentment fear underlying and fueling resentment fear underlying feeling okay so next week we'll do the theorymentory and i'm gonna i'm going to share with you probably the most powerful way i've ever been introduced to a So just a little thing, underneath every single resentment there's a fear fueling it, underlying it or else I wouldn't have the resentment. The 12 and 12 talks about I think in a general way there's two umbrellas of fears that I suffer from in a generally one is fear of not getting what I want or what I think I should have or the other umbrella is fear losing what I have. another spiritual teacher in one of his talks one of us talks about uh well i think when he shares on stuff more he's like if you put peter peter m he says if you Put I've heard him say this if you PUT all of the resentments he says that I've ever written in a funnel you know like at the big end of the funnel the small n is pointing down right all of them in a funnel if you pull one word out from the bottom small and it'll be fear fear underlying and fueling every resentment fear okay beautiful fear all right so um a couple of things i'm going to share uh one inventory and and then we open it to q a and and i'll stay for about 10 or 15 10 minutes after after this so um just because i have an appointment earlier today so now just just for our friends here so we never i never want to be so rigid to be programmed by words of this book right i gotta allow god to come in right so um just no notice in the big book here they they clearly give me three column examples they give me an example of the three columns right we fall to the best of our ability we changed a little bit the third column like last time but nothing right nothing to go against the big book only enhance makes it easier for the a new person right um but but they never moving forward from the fourth column fear inventory sex inventory don't give any actual examples okay but over here we'll leave that for next week for the fear inventory discussion but for now but all they say to me is that we turn back to the list look at it from a different angle right so it's it's logical to extrapolate that perhaps we put a fourth column in there right no five six columns perhaps we're going to put a fourth column in there or perhaps i turn the page around and i just do the fourth column on the back of the page right but the fourth corner is where my freedom comes from as last week and we and everly emailed in our in our email communication to everybody uh there's a i just many years ago i just made up a template of a resentment inventory template that very close to the big book with some definitions on it right in the fourth volume so i hope you get that and And if you didn't, just shoot Everly an email and we'll try to get it to you. But otherwise, you could just have an 8 1⁄2 by 11 notebook and just turn it long ways. Do the first three columns long ways and then flip the page and leave the entire back page for the fourth column. I believe it's so important to leave lots of room for the third column. That's why we're doing one person per resentment right and then all your resentments and then all your third column and just one fourth column okay so that's that um okay so now we can discuss more about that later i'll share with you and i'll be quiet since i don't know i just went and i dug this up it wasn't it was like maybe three years ago um i don' t know how much it's going to reveal but okay let's just see my dad okay remember we we fell in love we became free and then resentments come resentment okay so just this is just to give an example that i had a reason this is when i did my yearly once here i can recommit we committed the first nine proposals right he was one of the resentments that came up again dad because often talks negatively about mom blames her for everything repeat same resentment from from decades ago totally blinded to all his mistakes and abuses delusional okay not a big whole long backstory i could have probably made it okay um okay affects my so for for the purpose of what we're doing because when i'm passing remember what we were doing last week we said for the third column for the new person which is just like the big book it just says self-esteem pride ambition just writes it we in the third column we say yes or no yes or not right so i'm gonna skip the third color i'm not gonna read you what i wrote in the first column that's a different story if my mistakes okay my mistakes So he's an addict without a solution. He's on Suboxone and has early stages of Alzheimer's, and I'm judging him on what these two illnesses are doing to him. In brackets, I put after that delusional selfish self-seeking. I want my dad to magically heal just so uncomfortable in our conversations. in brackets i put after that selfish self-seeking i'm making his pain about my feelings in brackets and put selfish to the best of his ability he's always tried to be there for me as much as she has been capable of i.e financially kindness love yet instead of having understanding compassion in my heart i judge him dishonest selfish venting to me is the only solution that he has at times and to be able to breathe a little bit. I want to take that away from them because I'm uncomfortable, selfish, dishonest, self-seeking. Fear, being uncomfortable, him making my mom miserable, him never getting better. These are some of the fears that came up. My sister, last one. My sister, a cost list list financially irresponsible risk taker lives beyond her means wants me to do sales for her new company instead of doing it herself. has always maneuvered and scam money from our parents and I put some examples in how affects my yes, yes, self esteem pride all that kind of stuff my mistakes that this a few years back. so i need lots of room for my fourth column right because the spirit is the pen becomes a spiritual translator one and then remember in the fifth step i need room to write notes on what my sponsor sees that i don't see right so i needs lots of love on my fourth column that's why i do my fourth on the back of a page usually my mistakes for years she's been living this way and at the same time being there for my parents as well as helping pay their bills, starting companies, going on vacations, living a good life. For years I had been destroying my life and poisoning her and my parents with my alcohol and drug addiction. Now I have the audacity to judge her and criticize her. Dishonest, self-seeking, selfish. Now i got better and all of a sudden i'm standing on a spiritual hilltop. I'm magnifying her shortcomings. Look at where you're coming from right another point the truth for my annoyance is I get uncomfortable with her lifestyle she's perfectly fine with it I am worried about my emotional mental comfort that's the real truth of it that's a real truth for selfish self-seeking in brackets I put after another point my mistakes she didn't have an older brother or a father because my father was too right for years that that set a good example for her she managed and survived the best she could and she's done a great job delusional of me to hold on to her resentment towards her delusinal selfish self-seeking and the fear she will be unhappy fear i can't help her financially when she needs it okay so good okay so i hope that sort of helps a little bit um thank you everybody uh so if you would just please uh any friends and and that have any questions and or comments regarding so the assignment now for the following for next week is to please continue in in your current inventories that you've written if you've finished the fourth column on it a finish support column on it if you have any questions that cannot be answered by other friends or by our co-hosting regarding specifically writing inventory in this way um please um get a hold of me okay facebook uh kuna can you put my phone number in the chat please for everybody please but yeah but please only if you can't get anyone else okay please if you know what just don't be way too much people there's a lot on the plate but but i if you call i'm happy to be speaking with you okay you're not bothering me if you're moved that you have to call me all right i want you to understand something that is god calling it is it is a gift to me you're never bothering me okay and please consider to try to solve it somewhere else first but if you move through them come yeah it's okay All right. Beautiful. So can we please just put up maybe what should we do, Mickey? Yeah, Q&A, QAnon, please.