Step 4 Inventory – Milestone Step Workshop – Part 3 of 5 – Chris

okay guys gals thanks so much for being here thanks for you guys coming in came in late welcome what we were trying to sort of execute there was a foundation keeping in mind that the the program of Alcoholics Anonymous is a a 12-step program it is you know this is a it's a fellowship of men and women the chair to experience strength and hope but it is also a 12 step program the program of alcoholics anonymous if you're not engaged in the program in the process of recovery you're in a year on something else some other thing and that's not to be insulting it's not to be sort of you know splitting or any of that kind of stuff it's just to set it up so that you because everything that we're gonna talk about has to be transmittable if I've got a brand new guy and I do exactly what mark did with me and I qualify them as an alcoholic in a five-minute conversation and then I asked him do they have a power and they say no and I said you're you willing to have a and they'd say yes I'm fatically assure them on our way then I get into the third step and I talked about what Chris talked about that that toxic self consciousness that that selfishness self-centeredness and that we believe is at the root of our troubles we think it's alcohol. We come here understanding it's alcohol or drugs or the circumstances of the problems of our life, but we find out it's selfishness and self-centeredness. And we gotta get to that stuff. And we have a way of doing that, and it's the process of steps four through nine. But we can't get there unless we set the foundation. Nobody will do this work unless they believe they're gonna die if they don't. And if you come to Alcoholics Anonymous and you don't drink for six or eight or ten months or a year, a year and a half, and some idiot like me gets up on you and starts telling you about these steps, it's gonna be a rudimentary exercise at best but i got to tell you when i'm working with someone who's desperate when i talk about the parking lot of my home group when i talked about meeting a guy one night and taking them through the steps the next it's not rudimentry they're doing this stuff because they're like they're gonna die if they don't they have experienced this pain and and sort of this lifestyle that's going to kill them if they don't do something about it so i want to be really clear about that because Because we often slow people down in the process, right? Guys, just entertain me here and do the third step prayer with me, okay? I talked to you about this idea that you're subjecting yourself to a position. You're going to take a position that God is the father and you are the child. And then it says, we're going now to step three. And if you ever look at page 13 in your big book about Bill Wilson's experience, when he was asked five years later, he says, hey, Bill, what happened to you? Well, I got sober. How'd that happen? while i was in the hospital to describe that and he describes it he describes that process i'll get him a second you guys keep holding hands so so he describes that process and he talks about eddie being at the door and then eddie getting closer to the bed and he said to eddie or she said to bill he said do you remember that beef we were having at the table that day you told me to get lost and he says yeah i said well what do you think and bill said i must have something he said would you say a prayer with me eddie said a prayer almost identical to this, almost identical to this. And this is Bill on page 13 describing this prayer. We'll just pause for a moment and then we'll say it together, okay? God, I offer myself to thee to build with me and to do with me as thou wilt. Relieve me of the bondage of self they may better do thy will take away my difficulties that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help thy power thy love and thy way of life may I do thy it will always okay now you're working with somebody in this you've got them in this business is a commitment to follow up with the rest of steps that's what this prayer is there's a commitment in there to follow-up with the rest of the work. But listen to how the book describes what comes next. We don't make this stuff up. Us guys who look like we're rushing people through the steps didn't make this up. It says, next. I do that and then it says, next, we launched on a course of vigorous action. We didn't make this stuff up, I'm not rushing anybody through the steps. If I've got you on your knees and we're sitting having this conversation and we say this prayer together, just like our friends here held hands because they're committed to this stuff committed to this life this is the demonstration it says we lost in the course of vigorous action the first step which is personal house cleaning which many of us have never attempted though our decision our third step decision is vital and crucial i think that means pretty important it's not going to have any effect unless at once followed by a strenuous effort to face and be rid of the things in ourselves what's been blocking us the at once is the first time you're exposed to a time frame in alcoholics anonymous that means now it's the first thing you're exposed to the concept of now. We're going to do this now. What is the point of actually doing that, saying those words, unless you don't mean them, unless you're just, you're saying those, what's the point? Unless you're ready to do this stuff. Because that toxic self-consciousness is what's blocking you. And we all have common manifestations. Alcoholics have common manifestations of self. There are many manifestations of self throughout the world. We see them politically, we see them really politically but i have no opinion on the united states politics uh but there are very good but common manifestations for alcoholics if you get into a big room and you're doing these workshops and stuff like that you hear you see people's heads bobbing when you talk about this toxic self-consciousness around resentment for example oh people are out there passed off their heads hey heads are bobbing and then you talk About fears and you see a whole other section going and then you hear talk about sex conduct and you see a whole other section usually all sitting together going and it's like so so we have these common manifestations which which we this i think this is really the magic of putting us all in the same room together because can you imagine with those common manifestations if we were all drinking even this group right now we were just having a few drinks Saturday morning 11 o'clock we're six or six or eight deep you know we're all talking to each other and imagine about two o'clock in the afternoon what it looks like five o' clock and even how many guys are scrapping and how many guy you know I like the way Karl Morris separates them all how many Guys are in the crying corner and how many guys here in the scrapping corner but the one thing that we have in common is we always come back to the drink and because it's because that treats that toxic self-consciousness that's what it feels like okay so we have to get rid of these things these things that block us we got to get rhythm the common manifestations are resentment fear and sex conduct so what I do is I get a piece of paper and when I'm usually doing this stuff I'm gonna rely on your guys memory if there's any new guys here anybody here who's never done a four step before boy thank you for being the honest one okay so what i want you to do is if you want to talk about it afterwards you come up and talk about it. And it might come off as a little gruff. You have an example right here in your book. I swear to God, I didn't make this up. This is not the four-step according to Marty. This is just me following directions from my workshop partner on a piece of paper. The same, he's going to read it from the book. And the beauty of this is there's no confusion. I got a stack of four-stepped inventory guides in my house like this that I show my guys all the time. So you want to know more about yourself? Right here. But let's do this first. This first, then that. The Hazelden four-step inventory, many of you have seen that. Brylin step fourth. A lot of treatment centers come up with their own four steps. Wonderful. Learn more about yourself. That's beautiful. But do this, first, and then that, and I got to be honest with you. I was 23 years old when I got sober, and looked at this inventory here, and thought, how lame is that? It's too lame. You guys heard a little bit about my background. It's like, oh my God, really? Really? I was 23 years old in prison most of my adolescence and young adulthood. I had never had a relationship. I'd never had a job. I hadn't ever had any of those things. And I look at this inventory and think, how lame is that? Now, I'm 59 years sober. I'm married. I got kids. I got a career. And, I look to this and I think, Mr. Brown was a piece of shit. And, I only said that because Chris was going to wear the t-shirt today, but he didn't wear. Mr. Brown needs his ass kicked, you know. But you look at that. It's attention to my wife. He told my wife and my mistress, and Brown might get my job at the office. He's after his job. He says he might move Brown into the house. This guy's all over it. And this is a stuff that eats our lunch. And so we're asked to put this stuff on paper. And first thing we're going to look at is the resentment. So what does it say? What does it say about? It says on our grudge list, we said opposite each name, our injuries. Okay, so you got a grudge lift. You got a blank piece of paper and on the top, it says grudge list. Again, we didn't make that word up. It's in your book. It says, you got to grudge this. I don't know if you did that or you didn't do that but let's just play along. And so, you gotta grudge us. Who you pissed off at? Give me anything. Jack, give me something. Who are at it? Dave. Who? Dave! Okay, somebody else. My boss is a prick. Who else? Dave? Who? Somebody say something else? My wife, my mother, my father. Okay? This is your grudge list. You won't be able to read any of this shit at the end anyway. Pardon me? God. Alright, I'm going to put God up here just in case we get a chance to get back to it. You can put God down there, but I'm going to put it up there because I want to have a brief conversation about it. Has anybody else ever been mad at themselves? Yeah. Almost everybody when I do this says self. Now you have to understand, I'm pushing through this only because I don't have a full board, okay? And I need something to wipe it off. Rig fairly quickly. So you've got a grudge list. All the names go down. Nothing counts for thoroughness and honesty. Those are our instructions, right? Nothing counts for thoroughiness and honesty, not accuracy. Accuracy isn't part of it. You know, a lot of people say, what if I miss somebody? So they don't start writing anything because they say, what if i miss somebody and we don't meet people in AA to get drunk all the time because they do the four step wrong. We meet people that get drunk on the time cause they don' t do the four step at all under that kind of thinking. The Chris Schroeder kind of thing. We heard about a drinking so that he could prove his sobriety. That kind of think is exactly what stops people from doing a four step. and the idea is you just if you just follow the instructions you gotta grudge this you put down go back through your life nothing counts with thoroughness and honesty questions that are often asked are how far how far back do i go oh i don't know go to the beginning how's that first time remember being pissed off sore hurt burn it tells us gives us the instructions there where was i resentful sore hurt burned threatened pissed off upset interfered with ever i go back to my life and I put down the names. I just write in the name. This is easy. This is the shit we're talking about at the bar. No, it's actually us. We're doing that stuff at the Bar. Talking about that at the Barr. That's easy. So we have this grudge list. Now when a sentence is set aside, we're going to set aside what's going on. This is The Act, right? So that's The Act. Okay, so that's your grudge lists. We just did that, right. And then over here it says The Cause, all right. Okay? Nobody can't do that. You know why you're pissed off. Who said boss? Why are you pissed off at your boss? She overwhelms me too much. Too much. It's too much, too much for me. Too much for you. Overwhelms me, I like overwhelms. I like that, that's more blaming. That's healthier unhealthiness. so what else about her yeah um she's uh she talked down to you uh no but she's done she doesn't just orders uh the way she talks um what's that okay condescending yeah demanding all right so you're gonna do that just through your box that's how it's gonna look and the cost. Everybody can see that? Can you see that way back in the corner? Yep. Alright. Okay, then the next column is affects mine. Now, there are a lot of people at Newfangled AA talking about an extended third column and all that kind of stuff. That's all lovely if you've been around here for a little while but don't confuse new people with that shit. Let's keep it simple. It says, how did that affect me? And the book says what? Was it our self esteem, our security, our ambitions our personal relations or sex relations which have been interfered with? So you see the third column there? You've got seven areas of self that you can choose from. They're giving them to you. If I ask somebody, like, it depends what you put up here, and you ask somebody how did that affect you, they immediately get Freudian. They immediately get these ideas and concepts of philosophy that, well, I guess I wasn't loved enough as a child, and that's what they start talking about, which is fine. You know, good conversations for down the road. It won't exist if you do this work, but it is what you do. Your mind automatically goes to this deep, complicated thing. but that you answer me the question so I'm at my boss why cuz he oh she overwhelm me she dictates and she's demanding and it affects me how does it affect you affect your self-esteem yeah what else Chris thank you personal relationships security write it all down to don't do this security ambitions security ambitions I want to be clear you're going for the city you just put it down write it down if that's it and that's all you're doing okay so now this is this is our inventory so I'm looking at this person I'm upset with them why this is the reason how did it affect me affected me this way I'm gonna do a couple things here that that may be new to some of yous here not to some of you also but it might be new too some of us here our book says that we've always looked at it from this angle so what it says says we turn to the list or whatever yeah we turned back the list where it held the key to our future we were prepared to look at it from an entirely different angle so i've always been looking at it like this i've been looking at my friends and then my therapist and my partners and i'm bitching and complaining and this is the way it is and and i've always looked at my inventory now i'm going to come over here what does it tell me to do so we're going to look out from an entire different angle what does it say it says referring to our list again putting out our minds out of our minds with the wrongs others have done we resolutely look for our own mistakes No, what about the sick man prayer? We turn back to the list. We turn back to this for it held a key to our future. We're apparently going to look at it from a different angle. So I'm going to go ahead and look at it from this angle. Go ahead. We begin to see that the world and its people really dominated us. In that state the wrong dreams of others fancy or real had the power to actually kill. How could we escape? We saw that these resentments must be mastered but how? We could not wish them away any more than alcohol. This was our course. Yes, there it is. We realized that the people who were on this were perhaps spiritually sick. Stop. Perhaps? What's her first name? What's your boss' first name. Alyssa. Alyssa? Is perhaps Alyssa spiritual sick? Perhaps? Perhaps. Okay. Keep going. Though we did not like their symptoms. These are the symptoms. And the way they disturbed us. That's how it disturbs me. They, like ourselves, were sick too. She's sick. I'm sick. Everybody's sick-sick. Okay? Here's the four step instruction. that construction what does it say we ask god to help us show us the same tolerance for the impatience that we would cheerfully grant a sick friend god saved me from being angry check i only put that there so you know you've done this you're going to have nine million resentments perfect but you're gonna just say that prayer you don't have to mean it you can say it's regretted teeth just like god saved michael being angry the reason that we identify that as the prayer because a lot of people say to me but what about dead people how can i help the person it's very important to get into your fiber but this idea about the prayer sick man prayer we call it the sick man pray of the fourth step prayer god save me from being angry it isn't a boat page what's that page all the way in the back what is that i don't know they've changed it you know the additions but that one about uh if you have a resentment towards somebody pray for them this is what the joy of bondage or something that one it's a joy That's a whole different book. So in the freedom from body story, and this is what the old guys would say when I was getting sober and you were really pissed off. They would say, oh, you need to go and you pray for that person for 15 days and have all the things you would wish for yourself and that resentment will vanish. And they got that from a story in the back of the book about a story a woman read while waiting in a doctor's office out of a magazine. And we call it AA, and it's not. This is what I mean about how entrenched AA philosophy and ideology can become when it's just repeated over and over and over again. And I'm asking Chris to read me the instructions for this four-step so that anybody here who's new has never done a four-stepping will go, holy shit, that's the four-steps. So I'm angry at this, my boss, Alyssa, this is the cause, it affects me this way, my self-esteem, my personal relations, my security, and I'm going to say, God save me from being angry. I'm just following the instructions. Now, what does the last part say, Chris? What does it tell me to do? When a person offended, we said to ourselves, this is a sick man, how can I be helpful to him? God, save me from being angry. Thy will be done. Yep, keep going. Alright, referring to our list again, putting out of our minds the wrongs others have done. Stop. Referring to our list again. Putting out of her mind the wrong others have done, so take this away. Alright? What is it saying? We resolutely what? We resolute look for our own... Stop. What did you do to her? Come up with anything, don't worry about it. We won't judge you. You take your time. You take your and you do this because there'll be something. The first question we're asking is what I do to her. This isn't the only example I'm going to use but you'll see what I'm talking about. So you think about it okay so hypothetically I want to stretch yourself so we can make it. So let's say... Maybe I was late to work. That's exactly what I was going to say. Lateness. Attitude. Not the English. Latenest, attitude. Lack of communication. Okay so for years in a four step inventory and I did it myself, we would have a section here that said my part. You guys remember that shit? Here's the interesting thing about us alcoholics. Don't cheat. thing your part doesn't think like that yeah and our book says we we know that we've done something but we're certain the other person did much more book even says that I don't hate this shit up like this is what it tells us so we used to put my part here at the end and I got to tell you it deflected you away from the True. The book says what were my mistakes and faults. What did I do to that person? Well, I was late. You know, I wasn't punctual. That doesn't bode well for her. She's my manager and I had a bad attitude some days. I didn't, it wasn't as effective as I could be as an employee for her because of my attitude. That is good work. That's one resentment. That's good work, okay? Now, what does the book tell me to do after that? Where have we been selfish? Okay, so I'm going to tag all of this stuff with that but the book asks me to look at this again, and it says I'm going to, where does it tell you? Absolutely look at her on the stand. Where does it tell me to dismiss the other person entirely? The situation had not been entirely our fault when trying to disregard the other person involved entirely. This is my gift to you today. This is the other angle of this inventory I don't know anybody does. Everybody's surprised when I bring this up. Hey, this is what I did to her. My mistake's a fault. Then it says, Okay, let's dismiss the other person entirely. Let's take her out of it. Let take Alyssa out of it. Have I ever done these things to anybody? That's your inventory. I don't know what I wrote there. What did I write there? But what's the next one? You ever been demanding? Have you ever been demanding on your children, your partner, have you ever been demanding on them? So again, hypothetically she might say I've been demanding of my husband John. I'm demanding of my kids you know and the question is where was I selfish dishonest so seeking or frightened so I write that I write down beside here so my attitude is selfish right self-seeking what did I put there late that's selfish self-speaking demanding selfish self-sequishing selfish self seeking see what I'm saying so you're tagging this stuff with those questions that's what it's asking us to find your inventory is this not this people think they get shit-faced because of this that's what they think it's because of this stay with me for five more minutes on the resentment piece and all I keep losing the cap okay because you guys can see that back here It's going to be good. I'm really happy with that. Learning that I can actually do this on smaller boards is helpful. Very helpful. Now, you're in your AA life. You're sitting down. You write an inventory. You are in the darkness of the confines of your own residence. You've been charged with this task by your sponsor. This is not a feel-good exercise. We had a wonderful example of a boss, okay? No problem. I'll share that with you guys. No problem! You're going to be writing down some stuff that is painful. And I've met lots of people in here where I'll say, Okay, guys! Anything this won't work for? My father molested me for seven years. Whoa! that's awful come here let me give you a hug let's talk all right it's your inventory you're sitting alone in your home writing this stuff down you need a phone near you you need people around you that are ready consideration buddies and partners yes you do but watch this watch this i'll have people say that it won't work for this it won'T work for that almost every man that i've ever spent any time with has been molested to some degree or another as a child almost everyone I'd say three out of every four. I used to say two out of every four or one out of ever two. I say now it's probably three out of every 4. So here's how it works. I'm angry at who? Mr. C. Mr. C was, I'm 8 years old. There was a candy man in my neighborhood and a legitimate candy man, not the guy pulling up in the van. He was a legitimate candy man. Kids would come home from school every day and he'd open up the door. His name is Mr. C. He was an old guy and he would give you gumballs and licorice and all that kind of stuff. One day he asked me if I could give him a hand helping out. And I went into the kitchen, I was just doing some dishes and stuff, straightening around, and he molested me. I'm eight years old. Cause? I'm A, Mr. C. Okay. What'd he do to me? Manipulated. Thank you. Go with it, guys. He manipulated me. What else? He betrayed me. that he called me he used me he lied to me i've done this many times in big groups guys i've got them all some people say stole your innocence and all that kind of stuff right this is what happened this is the this is when he did to me you had any more broke the trust shame shame shifted your outlook shifted my outlooks that's a lot of people say stole my innocence off some of that stuff confused me a bit but it's your inventory right look you guys are feeling it with me i hope this disclosure has been one of the biggest and most wonderful tools i've ever been able to use to help people get motivated in this inventory so this is this this is his piece of this is what happened okay this is how did that affect me me play along to affect my self-esteem given the seven areas yourself yeah give him the seven years of something you guys see that's easy next one sexual issues security sex relations sex personal relationships do you know what The fact of my personal relations? Trust. I could not be around old people for years. Years. And people are wondering often to me, what does personal relations mean if you're looking at all this other stuff? My personal relations are my identity and how I see the other people in the world. So sex, personal relations, ambitions... Security. Security... Pocketbook. Pocketbook, how come? you feel a certain way about yourself then you're not going to put yourself out there to be all you can be and therefore your income that's good perspective i put it on there because i was making a dollar 85 a week in prison no that's all right but brian it was brian he said to me how much money did you make while you're in prison 1.85 a week i'd say that affected your pocketbook okay so self-esteem sexually what's the limit in this? Pride. Pride. Okay. Goddamn sepfecta. I hit the sepfacta, right? All seven areas of self, okay? Now, therapists, COs, sponsors, everybody wanted to talk about this. Everybody. My parents didn't even know. I didn't come alive with this until I was 14 years sober and had that experience with mark i never talked about it and told anybody you can hear my old tapes and cds there's nothing on there that would indicate the truth about this but here it is i'm looking at it from this angle and i've always looked at it in this angle and i can pursue with antagonism i can be filled up with an anger and a rage and a what's wrong with this world perspective but what does the book tell me to do chris putting out of our minds for wrongs others have done us the other angle we're looking at it from another angle sick person we realize the people who were on this perhaps spiritually said yes any objections perhaps spiritual sickness to see go ahead so we did not like their symptoms those are the same he like me is sick not in the same way he's sick I'm sick everybody's sick sick right so can see that and what does it tell me to do we ask god to help us show up show them the same tolerance pity and patience we would cheerfully grant a sick friend and when a person offended we said to ourselves this is a sick man how can i be helpful to him god save me from being angry that's the prayer god saved me from that's being angered the prayer this guy's wrong god god saved from being in so i put the check mark i've said the prayer and what is it telling me to about the says referring to our list again or whatever putting out of our minds the wrongs others have done we resolutely looked at look at our own mistakes i'm talking about dismissing the other person entirely my mistakes we've been selfish okay so the first question is what did i do to him who said nothing yeah i've used that one over here before too for years i've talked about them right but how about nothing and anybody in here i'm going to give you two points that you need to consider one is a victim never gets sober and two is nothing is an acceptable goddamn answer here i was in philadelphia at the were you there that day when i did what i was talking about in philly and i said something about this inventory someone in the back says you went for candy I said I was... I said I was eight. I was eight. You know, I don't have to find fault. What are my mistakes of fault? What did I do to him? Nothing is an acceptable answer. Let's go with that. And if you've been victimized, brutalized, we'll never take that shit from you. Never. Because it's probably the truth. But if you stay a victim, you're dead. You're dead and we're giving you the freedom right here, right now. I don't think anybody knows how powerful this tool is. I don'T THINK THEY KNOW UNTIL THEY DO IT And so it says right there, it's like how about nothing? I did nothing to him now watch this watch this Don't go to sleep on me here This is the most prodigious piece of the inventory I've ever written I hate my father my father was a violent man a terrible man and then we I did this work and my inventory cleared and my Amends were made, and we had a beautiful, beautiful life on this checkout. Power of Alcoholics Anonymous was known to me early on. But watch this. What does it tell me to do? It says we tried to disregard the other person entirely. Let's take him out of there! What were we to blame? The inventory was ours, not the other man's. Have I ever manipulated? Yes. Holy shit. Any manipulators in the room? All you women, put your hands up. Men do it too. Who said ouch? It was all a kid. So I've manipulated. Now, that's not good enough. I've been manipulating my mother, my sister, anybody who will come to see me through the glass in prison, which were very few, I would manipulate them. I would calm them. I would lie to them. The next one is betrayed. Have I betrayed anybody? I told my mother I would never do this again. I told our family I would never do this again. And I betrayed them over and over and over again, thinking I was making choices, but I would hurt them tear it down. It says we build a bright outlook and we tear it out. I don't think people are affected by that. I betrayed my family over and over and over again. I betrayed friend, I promised friends I wouldn't do things their names go down here. It'd be Frank, Frank Arthur, all kinds of so I betrayed people and then you go down this list. And that's what you who have I lied to? Holy crap. I'm a liar. Who did I lie to? Now, don't be daunted by this. Don't think that it's your inventory and if you knew you were going to have to write about it one day maybe you wouldn't have done all this shit but the idea is still it's your inventory. Don�t limit it or and you go and where was I selfish, dishonest, self-seeking and frightened? That's what comes up in the last column and I'm going through all of these things right here. Where alive where have i i haven't been recognizing my writing here so but this is what i meant and i had this last column this is my inventory i wasn't getting drunk and violent because of this i was getting drunk on violence because of it this is the man's inventory this is the woman's inventory his last poem so that's the twist that second piece i don't see a lot of people doing that first thing is what they do to them i know i have no resentment in part to that person and they move along it's not because we're going to dismiss that other person entirely have i ever done these things to anybody and that's the inventory that comes up this inventory on this guy produced some of the most revelatory information that i needed to move forward in my in my life to move f orward in my l ife and it wasn't because i got over the abuse you know it's n ot something to get over it's no t something for me to work through it was something for me to be released from and i'm telling you i'm telling you this i'm telling you this because it has now become a tool for me to help others and since that time i'm glad it happened does that sound stupid no no so i don't wish any of you bad circumstances you know an abuse or a molestation or any of that kind of stuff i don''t wish that on anybody but to come to grips with it, I wish that for you. I wish you to be free of it and I wish you to talk about it openly and honestly and not see yourself as damaged or broken but rather an absolute asset in the lives of others. When it tells us that we're going to go from here and help others, this has become one of my best tools to help people. That's one of our best tools. How does that work? How does it work in the resolution world? Could I have come up with that idea? In the management of my own life, would I have came up with it? You know what I mean? Our lives are unmanageable. So in the third step, I'm going to let this other manager take over. And I write inventory and it's like, oh my God. Holy. Holy! And then that's what I'm doing. Okay? Cool? Now about fears. Notice the word fear is bracketed alongside the difficulties of Mr. Brown, Mrs. Jones, and the employer. The short word touches about everything. So it says here we reviewed our fears thoroughly. This is the instructions, okay? There's some information there. This is just the instructions. We reviewed our fear thoroughly. What am I afraid of? When we put them on paper, even though we had no resemblance or connection with them, we asked ourselves why we had them. Okay, we'll get there in a second. Rejection. I need some fears. Yeah, that hardly ever comes up. Abandonment. Abbandonment. Going to prison. Going to prison! Failure. Failure! You know what often comes to the side here? Success. Same guy or girl. Anymore? What do you think of me? What others think? It's a piece of paper okay we've got piece of paper and you're writing on it just like I am. That's what it's asking me to do. We reviewed our fear stories, we've set them on paper but we're not making this stuff up. This is what it asks us to do so I'm looking at them. What else? Anybody else want one up there too up there? Pado. Unlovable. What'd you say? Unlobable. I'm unlovable? Finances. Relationships. Finances? Self. Raise your cheers. Self? For yourself. Confrontation. Okay. Oh, I said I was going to talk about God and self if I get time in a while. Fears. We set them on paper. That's what it tells us to do. I've got this exhausted list. I don't know how big your list is. It's my least area of self as it manifests. That is the smallest area I have. Everybody has Kevin's. that's his biggest my little road dog kevin his anxiety drives him crazy his feet before they even hit the floor in the morning he's filled and consumed he has no resentment no resentment a little bit of sex conduct and filled with fear i've got tons of resentment very little fear and moderate sex everybody has a different manifestation but in each of them is just how self-manifest in you it's where it shows up it's where it shows up the most so here behind fear you know that's where it happens so the book is a specific instruction that don't blink because this is for real these people who take forever to do a four step i don't get it what am i afraid of i'm afraid of rejection death abandonment prison failure success holy okay the book says we ask ourselves why do we have them why do i have these just follow the directions if you got a piece of paper and you're all alone just make sure no one's listening and say why do i have these right and then your mind your ego will automatically come up with all the suggestions as to why you have all these fears but if we follow the instructions of the book what does the book say right after that we ask ourselves why we have them wasn't it because self-reliance felt do you guys know what that means wasn't because self reliance failures do you remember learning to ride a bike do you member being afraid and learning to write a bike and your dad or your mom remember Are you free to ride a bike now? Why? Because self-reliance worked. You were asked the question, what are your fears? And it showed up on a piece of paper. Self-reiliance has not worked in this regard. You were asking to put them on paper and this is what came up. Self-reliance did not work. This is where we're introduced to a whole new concept. Go ahead, Chris. Perhaps there's a better way. We think so. for we are now on a different basis the basis of trusting and relying upon god sounds like a tall order but all we're doing is following the instructions keep going we trust infinite god rather than our finite self we are in the world to play the role he assigns just to the extent that we do as we think he would have us and humbly rely upon him does he enable us to match calamity with strength so i've got all these problems in my life based on these fears now if i just open my mind to the concept that there is something there that's going to help me meets calamity with serenity we keep going keep going through the instructions watch what it says we never apologize to anyone for depending upon our creator we can laugh at those who think spirituality in the way of weakness paradoxically is the way of strength the verdict of the ages is that faith means courage all men of faith have courage they trust their god we never apologized for god instead we let him demonstrate through us what he can do. We ask him to remove our fears and direct our attention to what he would have us be. We asked him to move our fears, so just like you said, why do I have all this? You're gonna say God take all these fears. You don't have to believe it's going to work, you don't have to understand it, you know you're going to follow the instructions, have this stuff on paper, you just say God please take these fears now. I'm going to tip you off a little bit of being around here for a little while. The reason that I know that Alcoholics Anonymous works and that there is a power in here that works with us is that this is the place where it's i most clearly demonstrated that for me if i asked you to duplicate the fearless that you wrote for me today two months later you would not be able to do it you would pull out the piece of paper and you'd go holy where did that go where did that fear go failure and success that's not there anymore where did that go it's like oh my god where did that fear of uh no prison's gonna stick around for a bit where did you go where did I go where was I when it went do you guys ever hear the terminology our fears slip away you guys heard that they fall away from us in the fifth step they slip away our fears fall away this is what we're talking about I asked God to take these fears and at once I commence to outgrow fear. It's not like I do anything. I just, I outgrow it, but only if I continue to grow. I have to continue to growth. So that's the fears. Any questions? Any questions on resentment and fears? We're getting through this pretty good. I had a question. Fire. So when you're doing fears, do you look at them all as a group and just ask yourself about that as group are you looking at individual fears i look at them as a group i list them on the sheet of paper as they just flow out of me and uh and then i look why do i have these fears because i see them all the same i don't see a little fear in a big fear i don' t see prison being any different than rejection and if you ask the person who said those different things they wouldn't be able to gauge the difference their life is being run over by it and they're dying behind it a fear of rejection or fear of success for your failure they're dying behind it if you're a prison you know it's it's like these are tough these are tough things but but I inventory that and I ask God at one I asked God to remove it and it once I commence to outgrow that fear that's gonna happen on a moment-to-moment daily basis it's a practice that actually works and and again like I I say the inability to duplicate your fears list two months later to me is so evidentiary that something is at work you might have a new set of fears but you ain't gonna have the same list you had before you do that and i say you're clairvoyant or savant or something if or dishonest you're coming from the head not from the heart fears are fears fears of fears would you believe that i had a fear of public speaking at one time it's like how many people in aa will lay a testament that they have a fear of public speak and we know it's the number one it's the number one fear in our society is public speaking more than death nobody said it didn't go up there hey we as we get the mic you can't get it out of our hands okay so good everybody understand that anybody can't do that anybody think that's ridiculous it's crazy I didn't do that. I'm still sold at 34, really. Anybody saying that? It's not the way I did it in 1974. Anybody saying that shit? I got a converted group here. The podium's going to stay intact today. Okay, yeah. All right, sex conduct. When we're talking about our sex conduct, we're really talking about relationship. We're really talking about how we connect. That's what we're talking about. It could be the human condition, it could be the sexual condition, could be whatever you want. It has to include all of it. It's how we view our relationships. I ask my guys when I'm doing this to go back to the earliest part of their lives and subject this inventory to their relationship life. And that means your first you know, you go back there. Alright? Give me some. Andrew, give me a pitter-patter. Aw, Chris, that's nice. I saw that old picture you hippies all right so you go back can jack give me something go back to your life somebody give me some names you guys were in a relationship before at one time right Huh? Kathy? Scott? Sam? Anybody back there? Jason? Stacy? Stacy's mom. Anybody back I'm putting that down, Stacy's mom. Stacy and her mom. Anybody else? Guys, okay, it's your inventory. Again, I'm speeding through this as much as I can, but the idea is you're going to put on a piece of paper, you're gonna go through that inventory of your own, you're gotta say, okay who was my first love? Do you guys remember? Who was your first pitter patter? Buddy with the purple shirt. Hannah? Ann. okay so you remembered right away I saw you going oh yeah and goes down there and then huh oh that bitch no I mean it's terrible so you but you go through that you go through the you go your life you just go back and you try to remember now I get a lot of a lot of cowboys in here say oh I can't remember them all couldn't possibly remember them all the way to go there here well uh you know you got to put them all down one thing we know about this inventory is it's thorough and honest i told you isn't about accuracy and it isn't about discretionary one guy said well i cruise i cruise for chicks and and and on barton street in hamilton which is a known place for hookers and and drug users and i cruise for chicks and i said and he wants to just put cruising nope not okay you need to remember please remember something you know why because my daughter's out there right now as we speak my daughter is on the corner that this ass was talking about please don't you know and i'll personalize this all of 10 ways a sunday because you are me and i am you so don't duck underneath this heroism that you just got so many chicks you can't remember strippers hookers they don't they don' t go down in a group you don't group them you know you remember the strip joint you were at you remember the town you're in remember the hair color of the woman you remember something it can be the blonde if you want it can be whatever but you put it down you put it down there's six names up here just 50 people in here let's say 45 50 people in here there's six names there's 500 names that need to be up here with this amount of people and again you You probably wouldn't have done all the shit you did if you knew you were going to have to write about it one day. But that's not my fault. That's not mine fault. So what we do is we take this inventory, we write this down, and we're going to follow the instructions that it asks us to follow. And I want to take somebody... Who said Sam? You said Sam. Do you mind? Can we use Sam? Sure. Fair? Watch this inventory of Sam. Okay, so we've got Sam. Chris, what does it tell me to do? We reviewed our conduct over the years past. Where have we been selfish? Before you get there, tell us a little bit about Sam. How old were you? I was in recovery. We were together for 11 years. Wow, okay. No, that's good. 11 year relationship. Broken up in two. Okay, so an 11 year-relationship, pretty hot and cold, pretty confusing, pretty mixed up? Yeah, it was my first relationship in recovery How did you split up? You're both sober. I'm sorry? How did split up. I left. Okay, so you left. All right. Okay. We're going to subject this to these questions. Sorry to speed through, but watch. What if he's been selfish? Yeah. So I'm looking at my conduct test. What if I've been selfish with Sam? Lack of communication. Can communicate. Judged him. lack of communication didn't communicate judged him lack of communication is a nice word for didn't communicated didn't communicate judge him I judged him anything else you ever lied no no good for you anybody in there ever lied to their partner so you understand it needs probably needs to be there but i actually believe it because she was in recovery and she's still here today and was trying to live a different life but let's stay with this so you didn't lie to him you never cheated on him no that's up okay did he ever do any of that stuff to you not that i know all right okay so let's let's just stick with that right now there's more but let us stick with that right so uh did he i didn't communicate with them i judged him what is it what else Where else is it asking? Dishonest. Where was I dishonest? Could be here, didn't communicate, you write that again, okay? Pretended everything was okay? Yeah, pretended everything was ok. Pretended. Okay what else? Inconsiderate. Inconsiderative. Oh yeah. How? I was too perfect for Nicoletta to do this. She's perfect. Yeah, it's in the picture. Yeah, that's what was inconsiderate. I was still perfect. You were too perfect? I was the spiritual one. He didn't have to do the steps. He didn'y have an awakening. It was all this shit, you know. It was my own nice perfectly story. Less tolerance with him. You were perfect. He struggles. So okay, what does it say next? By this game, who died first? Us and him. I heard Sam. The relationship. Yeah, and you left him. Did you hear his parents? His family? I left him after his mom died. After his mom died? Yeah. Okay, so I heard him and anybody else? His son. His son? Yeah boy. son probably but we're still in touch so the question is who made i hurt and you put the names down and usually it's the peripheral players you know you know your hurt the individual at some point or another you know that yourself got hurt in there but you're looking for the periphery players the family the brothers the sisters uh your friends their friends you know your relationship probably meant something who did you hurt then what does it say did Did we unjustifiably arouse jealousy? Bitterness or suspicion? Yes, yes. He did? Yeah. Arouse what? What'd you arouse? Trying to get him to respond in any way. Jealousy, bitterness, suspicion. Did he accuse yourself? No, he didn't. But I'm speaking generally. Yeah. you know yeah and don't speak generally when you're doing your inventory she's perfect you're not the only one in the room and I picked the wrong person I needed a really defective should have picked you Jack so hey we're much more much more a kid in our defects than our virtues so but this do you follow the instructions here? What does it say next? Where was that at fault? Where were you at fault in that relationship? Now that has an answer. I stayed. You stayed longer than you should have? Oh yes. Okay. Oh yeah. Why? Why? Fear of change? Yeah. Didn't want to fail? No. Fear of failure? Yeah, fear of failure. Your relationship didn't work out I don't like that. That doesn't taste very palatable. Correct. It's an expression of me and my... Yeah, it represents... Right? Where I'm at in my recovery and I'm unwanted, I'm unlovable, he hasn't touched me for years. What's wrong with me? I am defective. This is not working. Let me be quiet, let me yell, let me not say anything, let him say something. You know, next thing you know like four years later yeah yeah working on it you know it's just stale it just sits nowhere you guys heard all that right i stayed longer than i should have i love him oh i know how to love yes absolutely i've chosen him and she's worried about she's concerned with the fact that this says something about her the failure of this relationship so that's what's that's why she stays that's powerful stuff those are powerful motivators and they are based on fear and self-esteem and security based on those negligible sort of defects of character right so you when you understand it when you write about this you begin to become clear and don't forget this is just sam has there been a few others this is just sam all right now what does it tell me to do it says what should we have done instead what should we have done instead so she's got this she stayed way longer than she should have uh she was fear of the change and failure whatever else i wrote there so what should you have done today being more honest oh stop it i like it being more honest what else if you hang on you're gonna get a present here being more honestly communicated my needs my wants my observations communicate communicated this is just Sam be more realistic boundaries boundaries all right okay so you got it what What could we have done instead? Why do we have this? What is that? Our ideal. What does the book say? It says we got this all down on paper and looked at it, in this way we tried to shape a sane and sound ideal for our future sex life. We're formulating a God-given ideal by simply answering the questions. We don't even know we're doing it when it starts to become constructed. should I have done instead? Been more honest, communication, been more realistic and had boundaries. And this is in Nicoletta's future sex life. That's what it tells me in my future relationships. This is what I'm going to bring to the table. Okay? Now when you go back through your history and you look at that first love, that first girlfriend where you shredded it, you tore it all down due to drinking and doing whatever you were doing and all that kind of stuff. The selfishness, the self-centeredness that's behind that. That what comes up in your inventory. What should I've done instead. It's gonna have some information there. And when you look up and you start putting that, you have an ideal that's that long. Has anybody got their ideal in their pocket? Guys I sponsor carry their ideals in their pocket, in their wallet. And I can ask them when I'm doing a workshop or something, I can asked them to stand up and they pull out their ideal and I'll get them to read it. And you should hear how it sounds. People sitting there just go, Oh my God, that's beautiful. You know, then I'll go to a conference and there'll be 400 people there and I'll see my guy in the corner with miss new girl and and uh being all shiny and all that shit and I go hey what what your ideal what about your ideal oh god damn it and then that's what it's about that is what it is about it's being holding your own feet to the fire keeping this stuff personal and real I think that is a gift I think that ideal is a gift you know and if you're an Alcoholics Anonymous member who's done this inventory the way it was just instructed to do, you will come out the other side with that ideal. What a gift. So now you can't work against your ideal. Do you have this in your relationship today? This is one. This is just saying. Is that in your relationship today and if it's not, you better start moving towards it and you ask God to help you move towards it. You ask God to do this because you can do it. We're no longer the manager of your life. If If you try to manage your relationship, it's going to go bad. We all have that experience, right? We have that experienced. Try to manage it. When we're talking about, you know, you're perfect, which is really hard to live with, by the way, just so you know. I'm going to put that down as a goddamn defect. That's hard to lose. It is a defect. Being perfect sucks. And so, but that's a hard standard, right. But you can take this into every relationship here and if it's not there, you move towards it. That's it. That's the inventory. You know, people talk about, well, what about harm's done to others and all that kind of stuff. This is all coming out the back end. It's all coming off the last column. It's not hidden from you. This inventory is yours. So when you look at it, you think you're writing an inventory about all these people and your resentments and all. That's not what you're doing. That's just the information that's going to glean what is supposed to be discussed with another human being. What am I going for? Where was I selfish? Do I sound self-seeking or frightened? That's what I'm going for. The inventory isn't that I was molested at eight. the inventory is where's my selfish self-centeredness self-seeking and dishonest sort of life around that not because of that, around that and I gotta tell you when it's clear like that when it'S clear and sitting down and doing that inventory people get their inventory done they have a magnificent sort of bit of information coming out the other side they learn stuff about themselves that they never knew it's not surprises or secrets It's not that painful stuff that we used to think in the 80s. I can't do inventory, man. What if this comes up? Or what if I've forgotten something when I was a kid and all that stupid stuff that our ego doesn't want us to write at all? This is the place where the ego intercepts the most. Right here, when you're asked to actually do something. It's the first time you're being asked to do anything is in step four. First three steps, you know, you're just following this guy and a couple minutes you're doing it, and bang, now you've got to do inventory. The other reason that I get so emphatic about this is because if everybody starts doing it the same way, and stops trying to be a goddamn individual or some sort of specialist on human nature or something, just, if you just follow the instructions, we have a tangible message of recovery that we can share one alcoholic to the next. And everybody knows what you're talking about. Everybody knows what's happening. It's not a secret. So that's it. That's the fourth step. I don't know what time to break it right now. Let's break for an hour. I want to take the vote. Hour 15.