Self-Sacrifice and Being Useful – Spiritual Maintenance Workshop – Part 2 of 5 – Tiffany R.

Hello, and welcome to the Spiritual Maintenance Workshop. My name is Shayla June, and I'm a real alcoholic from Houston, Texas. I'm gonna read a page out of the big book, the fourth edition, page 93. He may be an example of the truth that faith alone is insufficient. To be vital, faith must be accompanied by self-sacrifice and unselfish constructive action. Let's open this meeting with a moment of silence followed by this prayer. God, to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things that I can and the wisdom to know the difference. Okay, I would like to introduce you to our last speaker of this maintenance workshop. Her name is Tiffany R., and she is from Las Vegas, Nevada, and I'm so excited to hear what you have to share with us today. Hi, thank you so much. Can you hear me good? Okay. I'm Tiffany, and I am an alcoholic. Thank you guys so much for hosting this and having me. It's just such a privilege to show up and share my experience and keep useful during this time. And thank you guys for taking the time in the comfort of your own home or wherever you are, you know, tuning in is such a, it's such a big deal. And I've seen women in my sponsor lead by example of just show up, just show up no matter what, no matter the circumstance, you just show up, you know, and, um, you know, I, uh, I'll just kind of start from the beginning and I'm just going to share my experience, strengthen hope. And if you're new, I hope you can hear something. And if not just keep coming, keep tuning in, keep going to the meetings, find your tribe, find Your people and I know it's painful. And I know it sucks. And, and I can remember being sober still thank God, I can remember that feeling of there's no way this is gonna work. How do you live with it? And how do you live without it? Where do you go? You know, and, and, you know, I was raised by principled people, my dad got sober way before my time. And our home was raised with love and kindness and principles. When you hurt someone, you apologize. These tools were instilled in me as a young girl, you know? And still when I found alcohol, it's like I was raised in a different home with different people and different perspectives. You know, it didn't connect from here to here, you knows? It's too far of a distance. And, um, you know, my sister and I, we lived in Anchorage, Alaska and Albany, Oregon. And, and, um... And then we had come to Las Vegas. And by that time I was so young, I didn't have a say in where we went. I just kind of went in the car and went along with it, you know? And, from that point, we had ended up here. And my mom early on had um, just kind of strange behavior. You know, like we, my parents had split up and you'd go to my dad's house and it's the lights are on the TV's on. You just walk in and you feel the energy of just like your home, you know? And then you go to mom's house. And she's locked in her room and, and things are kind of weird. And I didn't know this, but my dad paid her bills and the lights would go out or anything. It was just like, I couldn't connect, but I knew from an early age, there was a difference in this home and that home. And, um, later to find out my mom was, um, abusing drugs and we had gone to live with my dad. And I thought that was my problem. I thought That was it. You know, my mom couldn't raise us in that woman, that mother daughter relationship that I yearned for was missing. And i didn't suffer from alcoholism. I suffered from mommy ism. You Know, if she would have just shown up if she would have just been there if she would have taught me these things. And I have this story in my head that I play through that, you know, whether it's true or not, I'm convinced that that's my problem, that that's why I feel this separation, that That's why when I walk in a room and I see a mother and daughter, I feel This anger and the separation. And, and I'm convinced of that story that I tell myself for so many years you know and um and then I found liquor and then it didn't matter if I had a mom or not it didn t matter if her house was clean all that stuff that separated me and all those stories that I told myself when I found alcohol the story changed the characters looked different the plot twist happened and I m okay now I don't feel that kind of separation. I'm getting relief from something that I don' t even know I have. I'm feeling the sense of ease and comfort from something that I can' t ever touch yet. And over the years, it just wasn' t fun and games anymore, you know? And I'd hate to sit here and stay drunk the whole time, but it's important for, I think, the new people to know that I understand what that felt like. I understand that mental twist of the first drink that when insanity returns, I pick up. My track record shows every time that Tiffany's a runner. She gets loaded. That's how I operate. That's my core is selfish and self-centered. I can't get out of myself. And so I relieve that with alcohol, you know? And although that's but a symptom, that's how i got my fix. That's How I Got Relief. That's HOW I stopped this from going so loud that I couldn't sleep at night. That's how I stopped this from going and saying, you're not pretty enough. You're not skinny enough. You're never going to amount to anything. I'm my worst enemy and I can't stop and I take a drink and all of a sudden it's an even playing field and I'm at one. I can connect. I can hear. I had a friend who drank a lot like I did. It's funny because when I had gotten sober, we just naturally drifted apart. I didn't realize that was the only thing we had in common, but if you put us next to each other and we're drinking, we look like best friends. We look like we're in this together. We looked like we were going to be the couple, you know, the, the best friends, the girls, that's my girl. And, and so we had gone out one night and when I had gotten sober, I remember specific scenarios and this was one that I could really tap into and see how much power, how much powerful alcohol really had on me. And we would go to the bar and she's driving and she was a smoker and she'd want to stop and get cigarettes. And I'm just thinking, just get to the car. Like you could, I'm upset that you couldn't have got cigarettes before you came and got me. You have to get them on our way to the relief. We have to give them on the way to the board. I'm thinking this is insane. And I feel this angst inside of me and I'm waiting to get to bar and waiting to have that drink. and it's just anything that's coming in the middle of that i'm so angst up and i'm uncomfortable and and we get to the bar and i have a couple drinks and now i have an interest now i care about your day now i cares about what's going on in your life i can't connect until that and anything that comes in between me and getting loaded i just get uncomfortable and and i get angry you know i'm argumentative i'm disrespectful i and it is not personal my motives are not to come in the way and hurt you, but you're in the way of me and what I need. But it doesn't sound like that and look like that at the time. It just sounds and looks like you're annoying. Why wouldn't you get smokes before you came and got me? It just doesn't make sense. And then I get to the bar and I have a couple of drinks and now I care. And that's kind of my story. That's kind of the gist and a ball of what happens when I'm getting loaded or I'm on my way there. You know, and for me, if I knew it was in the room, I felt okay. If I knew I could just go grab it, it wouldn't even have to be in my system. I mean, I got this romantic affair with alcohol that I romance all the time and, and I can't help it, but I don't know it and I don'T see it. And, andI can't hear anything. You know, my dad was a member of Alcoholics Anonymous and I couldn't hear, I couldn'T hear his solution. It was too, it was too hard. And my, my problem wasn't you telling me that you need to get sober. You need to do this. I mean, I just shut out. I get defensive. Like the books talks about when you start insulting my drinking or me as a person, I can't hear you anymore. I turn away and I'm not receptive to any kind of solution yet. And I, and the truth is I'm Not enough pain. It has, it's still working for me. It's still giving me what I want. And yes, I've lost a couple of things and I've lost a couple people, but I'm willing to pay the price every time. Still, I'm willing to go ahead and lose you because you weren't really that interesting anyways. And you never got cigarettes before you came and picked me up anyways, you know, and that's kind of my process and that's kinda how I operate. And, and over time I start hanging out with people I have no business hanging out, with going to places I have no places going to. And over time it starts to creep in. Over time it starts to sort of manifest not and it starts bleeding into my relationships. It starts bleeding into My family and my life. And, and it's really interesting to when, when I was getting loaded, I was in a relationship with a non-alcoholic, I wouldn't say normal, but, um, a non alcoholic and man, it was so apparent that my drinking was a problem. It was so apparent that I kept making promises that I could not live up to. I kept swearing up and, and I really meant it, you know, the night, I mean, I can physically remember the incomprehensible demoralization before I had gotten to AA. I had never heard that. I'm not in the bar talking about the incomprehensible demoralizing. No one speaks like that, but I'm telling you when I got to Alcoholics Anonymous and someone read that part of the book and it talked about the incomprehensible demormalization, I knew to my core what that felt like. I mean, I got goosebumps. I knew to my core that that's how I had been living as a woman. That's how i had been showing up as a women. That's what I had been giving away every single time and I didn't intend to you know, I want my dignity. I want my grace. I was raised with principles. I was raised that if my father saw my actions, he'd be disappointed, you know, and then I couldn't stop. How do you how do you get there when you're still here, but you can't hear from here to here. It's too far a distance. My head can't connect to my heart, but my heart's breaking and my family's hearts are breaking. And I'm in a relationship with a guy who's not an alcoholic and it's very apparent. And it's insulting when someone says something about your drinking, because when I'm getting loaded, it doesn't feel like I'm going to blackout. It feels like I'M JUST OKAY. It FEELS LIKE I'M COMFORTABLE IN my skin. It feels a lot different than it looks, you know? And I'd like to believe I'm a real alcoholic. You know, I got sober and thank God my dad had done this before me because without a doubt when I got sober and I was in enough pain and I came to you empty and sore, I was tired of living the way I was living. It was just a hustle and a bustle and I couldn't stop. And it was such a lifestyle that I had been living that, you know, it wasn't just about the drinking. It was about the lifestyle that i had partaked in that that was getting me off as well. And and how do you turn that over? How do you come with nothing and find hope? How Do you feel okay to sit in a room with all these people that I think I'm never going to amount to, you know, and my dad introduced me to Alcoholics Anonymous. And, and, you know, over the time, my sister's not an alcoholic, and she has hyper hyperhidrosis and it's where your hands sweat. And she was bullied a lot growing up. And, um, and I robbed her of a childhood, you know, even talking about her, I just get so choked up because she's such an angel. She is just like the sweetest, most loyalist, most patient little nugget in the world. And here's Tiffany growing up, it's all about Tiffany. It's all about Tiffany and she's getting bullied and she feels less than she feels insecure. she feels without, you know, she thinks about how am I ever going to be in a relationship? Who's going to want to hold my hand? The simple action of just holding someone's hand. It would have never dawned on me. I don't have the problems you have. And so I'm, I'm not compassionate to what's going on with you and growing up. Tiffany's in detox. Dad has to go pick Tiffany up. Tiffany's left the house and they don't know where she is. And, and back in the day, my dad used to AT&T, you can track a phone. And so I'd be out running and gunning God knows where in places I should not be. And before my dad had gone to Al-Anon, um, I would get a text message and it's from AT&P and it'S like, you've been located at, he would track my phone and, and God, God forbid he, he showed up and did the wrong thing, but he has a little girl out there running the streets, doing things that he could only imagine doing. And he just wants her alive. He just wants to protector. And he'd show up at these crack houses and my uncle's an ex-canine and him and my uncle come in the door and bust it down and raid these houses. And I'm thinking, you are ruining my life. You are ruining my drinking career. No one's going to want to drink with me. You are ruining this. And He's just looking at me with these eyes of, I just want you to be alive. I'm going to get the phone call that you're dead in a gutter somewhere. And i can't hear it. I can't hear it. I think he's standing in the way of me getting loaded. And so eventually he found AA and, or Al-Anon, and I'm sure you all know that changed very quickly. But it was always them. It was always you. It was always, you're getting in theway of my drinking, you know? And I love when my sponsor says, but I'm just hurting myself. I'm not hurting anyone. When really this ripple effects to everybody. Not only can my dad not sleep at night, but he has to show up as a member of Alcoholics Anonymous. He has to go to work the next day and he's losing sleep, losing that peace of mind because I don't think I'm hurting anyone but myself. And my sister, when I just robbed her man and when I got sober, that was the toughest pill to swallow. I can't go back. Not Not only did our mom leave when we were really young, but I didn't braid her hair. I didn'T paint her nails, all the things I wanted from my mom. I didn' t do for her and she's sitting there thinking she's inadequate. She's not good enough and no man is ever going to marry her because she feels disgusting because her hands sweat. And here I come in the door drunk, manipulating, lying. Yeah, I mean, not only is she getting bullied at school, but I would come home drunk and just annihilate her and say the meanest things to her. And my dad would always say, you say that you don't know what she's thinking about yourself. You're a bully. And I'm thinking, that's my sister. I'm entitled to have some type, but I feel entitled in my behavior because that's my sister when really she's one of God's kids, just like me. She's suffering just like Me. And if I don't treat her like one of Dios' kids, I'll continue to keep abusing that relationship and God forbid something happened to her, that would be unsettled. That would be unsettled business. And today I'm grateful that it's a miracle I got sober and I don't have unsettled business. You know, my sister and I are best friends. She's my neighbor and I go over there and I bring her stuff and she brings me stuff. And that's my favorite person in the world. And I've gotten the opportunity to mend that relationship and allow her to be a sister. And I allowed God into my life and I've made enough room to where I can get out of the way and show up as her sister and hold her hands when she feels like she's not pretty and play with her hair when she feels like she wants a mom, you know, that stuff I take with me and all those psychological wounds that I take into AA and all my alcoholism and my junk and that self-esteem and that insecurity and that fear I bring to you guys. And thank God, you know, people in Alcoholics Anonymous were doing AlcoholicsAnonymous. They were doing it out of the big book and they were talking about the steps and they had a solution. And my dad had experience in that. And he knew if he dropped me off to AA, I'd be taken care of. He knew that if I went to AA and be okay, I find my tribe, I would find a solution. I'd have a spiritual experience. And luckily I didn't have to do a lot of in and outs. There's a lot of people that come in and out and there's a bunch of people who don't come back. We're one of the lucky ones, man. We're here. We can see each other. We have a chance to help people. And my favorite thing in the world is when Sharon says we're saved to save. I mean, I feel that to my core. We are saved to say you are worth saving. My dad knew that if I went to Alcoholics Anonymous, a woman would look at me and say, you're worth saving and save me from this alcoholic torture, this suffering that I can't stop on my own, that when I come to you without a doubt, when I feel like running, I get loaded. That's what I do. And I don't mean to. And I want to make people proud, but, but I can't stop. And I've sold everything to alcoholism that I have nothing. I have Nothing. And I feel like, how is this going to work? You know, I don't know the prayers when I come to Alcoholics Anonymous. I don'T know any of that. And my, my grandma is, is an angel. I mean, my grandpa, my dad's mom is one of the most incredible women I will ever meet in my life. And she was raised into, it's so funny now that you get sober. You take all these people's stories into consideration and how they're raised and how они были созданы и как они были сделаны, и что они делают для себя. How они выглядят и что у них произошло? И моя бабушка просто солдатка. Она просто женщина, которая прошла через травму и обстрелы и получила плохого пикера и выбрала мужчин, которые были обвинены в убийстве и в агрессивности, и мой папа's папа убил всех. There was awful behavior in that house and my dad stopped the cycle And I didn't have to live like that, but it didn't stop me when I took a drink that I had, I had alcoholism. And my grandma is, um, my grandma's a Christian and she is just the most loveliest lady. And she just is such a giver naturally by nature. She Einstein bagels gives away all their bagels at the end of the day. And my Grandma will go to Einstein bagel. Get all the bagels and she'll wrap them up in little goodie bags once a week. And she'll go to the fire department and the police department and she'LL just give to them and thank them. And she just naturally has this giving soul. She naturally have, it has a connection where she doesn't sell religion. She, she shows by behavior. And so I'm raised by these people that I I'm like, how can I, how come I can't be like that? How come I can't get in tuned with that? Um, my grandma will get these little envelopes and she'll put coupons in it to like burger King and like the dollar store. And She'll put them in these envelopes and she'll tape it under the trash bin. So when the trash men come to take her trash, she thanks them and says, go get a burger, go take care of yourself, go Get your family something to eat. I mean, she naturally, I don't identify with I don' t naturally wake up and think I'm going to give to the trash man. I'm going to appreciate them for picking up my trash. I'm gonna go say thank you to the men that go out there and protect us. And that put out the fires because I'm the one that starts the fires. You know, that's my kind of reaction and I don't naturally identify with that. But when I get sober and I get in tune to the God, I aspire to be like people like that. I want to be a giver. I come to Alcoholics Anonymous and I'm so tired of being a taker, but I can't stop. It's in my nature. You know what? To my core, I'm selfish and self-centered and sometimes it doesn't always look like that Sometimes it looks like I did this for us, you know, and this is an absolutely crazy story, but I'm just going to say it because I can't hear your reaction, but this is just a little idea of how crazy I am. And this is before I got to Alcoholics Anonymous. I mean, I wouldn't put it past me now, but I shouldn't say that. But so I'm young and I'm dating this guy and I m over the relationship because here's my thing too. I don't know how to react. I Don't know How To Keep Relationships. I DON'T KNOW HOW TO SHOW UP AND BE AN APPROPRIATE GIRLFRIEND. I DON'T KNOW HOW TO show up and be an appropriate friend. I don't know how to do this on my own. And I'm dating a guy and, and I'm over it at this point because you're not giving me what I want. You're not giving me enough attention and I don'T think it's working, but I can't connect from here to you. I can'T connect in that way. And so he goes out of town and I get some girlfriends and we're getting loaded and we slash his tires and I'M thinking, oh my God, this is going to be perfect. He'S going to know that I'M the one because I DID this for us. I don't want to, I don'T want to hurt you. I DON'T, I DONT WANT TO BEHAVE LIKE THAT, BUT I DID IT FOR US TO BE TOGETHER. WHY DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND? AND HE THINKS I'M THIS CRAZY DRUNK, BUT I CAN'T UNDERstand that. And I DON't realize that not only does my behavior affect other people, but his family didn't have the money for tires. They didn't ha they didn't, you know, I don' t think about that and take that into consideration when I got sober the first time I had to go and sit down with his mother and apologize and give her the money for those tires. And she looked at me and said, we were without a car. That was our only car. We did not have the money to get new tires. I think about that all the time, the way that I rob people, the ways that I show up with my insanity. I'm thinking, but I don't understand. I did it for us to be together. I mean, that's crazy. What? I did that for us. I am going to hurt you so that we can be together because I don' t know how to show love. I don''t know how to connect in that area. And I bring all that to Alcoholics Anonymous. I bring all that and I sit in meetings and I cry and I'm uncomfortable. And so badly, I just want to get loaded so badly. I just don't believe because this doesn't seem like the easier, softer way. It seems like this is too hard. It seems like I don't like being sober. And not only is drinking my problem, but my number one cause of a relapse is sobriety. It's too much. I can't take it. My head starts going. My heart starts beating. My hands start sweating in meetings. I'm so uncomfortable hearing the truth about the nature of what I have, hearing the truth about what it looks like to really be me and what it looks like when you take care of it. And I saw women in Alcoholics Anonymous lead by example. It wasn't a sales pitch, but when they got up there and shared my story, I thought, oh my God, how could you say that out loud? I mean, just like the slashing tire. How could you be in a place and not feel embarrassed, you know? And I was nervous to shake my head when I related in a meeting. I was uncomfortable to show you that I related to you when deep down I wanted that. I wanted to be that person. You know, I've never wanted to be ordinary. I want to be extraordinary, but I can't get there on my own. And I think that God has bad taste and I think God wants me to be this average woman and live an average life when really as time goes and I do his work, I realize that my God keeps getting bigger. My life keeps getting big. But it's through self-sacrificing. It's through setting myself aside. It's true destruction of self that I can open the doors to help another woman in Alcoholics Anonymous to where I can sit there and open up to you and share my truth and I get a me too or a head nod. And if that's not the best feeling in the world, knowing I'm not the only crazy person on the boat, you know, there's nothing like sitting in an AlcoholicsAnonymous meeting and sharing your crazy or hearing your crazy and thinking, yep. My sister's gone to a meeting before she had done Al-Anon and it was recommended for her to go to open meetings. And she sat there and thought, oh my God, what? Where would they even find that? I mean, it blows her mind to the levels and extent that we go to get relief, that we got to get loaded, what we do when we get loaded. What we do and we're sober. She just doesn't identify. She's the kind of person that goes to a bar and has a drink and sips about halfway through and she gets uncomfortable not being in control of her own mind. I'm like, Rachel, you got to keep drinking. You got to get past that. When in doubt, keep going. You know, I'm a tequila drinker right from the get go. I don't, I wasn't a beer sipper. I wasn't, uh, I just, I related to the hard liquor. I related it to getting there faster. And if two's going to make me feel better, I'll go in for 10, you know, that's just how I operate. And I get to Alcoholics Anonymous and I find women that are on fire for Alcoholics Anonymous. I find women that do this deal through their feet and not the steps and I was vulnerable and I felt like I was crawling out of my skin and there's no way I have alcoholism just give me a tumor just giveme that so it doesn't feel like so much work. Make it something else please because I can't the spiritual life is not a theory, I have to live it and living it goes against my nature in the beginning. Living that spiritual life goes against everything I know. You can't run, sit, fearlessly face all these things. Go back and make it right. Sit with God. Have that alone time. You are now growing and evolving into a woman that God can trust to help his kids. How am I showing up in Alcoholics Anonymous? Am I saving her seat? And am I calling her when she's not there? Am i reminded that this isn't about me and to sit with my friends? That It's about the girl walking in that feels uncomfortable and feels like she's not good enough to be here. Am I looking out for that? Am I conscious of that kind of behavior in Alcoholics Anonymous because people did that for my dad's daughter. People did that for other people's kids. You know, we're all someone's person. We're all Someone's sister, Someone's daughter, Someone'S brother, SomeoneSons, Someone''s uncle. We're All Someone's person that down the line, we'Re a hand in Alcoholic Anonymous. How is this behavior going to show Tommy when Tommy's sister needs to get sober? Am I being appropriate? Am I carrying a message? Do I have a solution? Do I have something to give her? And through the steps, I've had that spiritual experience where I can feel that stuff naturally and intuitively. I can see it in my heart. I can feel that step. And when I'm not doing it, I can feel that too. And it's not comfortable for me today. That kind of behavior sets me off and it changes my gauge to God. And it's not okay. I can't live like that and stay sober. I can't continue to do the behavior I came to Alcoholics Anonymous with and think that I'm going to stay here. You know, I'm under the constant delusion that if I can just manage well sober, if I can just mange well, I will rest satisfaction. And it doesn't sound like that. It sounds like I'm just going to kind of move this over here and go over here with the intent that this is best for the team here. We just kind of need to go this way. And when I start doing that and trying to take the power and play God, when I just take my hands out, everything flows. Everything goes with the current and I don't have to figure it out. I don'T have to play God. You know, I donT have to do these things that I fall into, into the delusion that I have to do in order to survive because my mentality is if you're not looking out for me, who is? I got to take care of myself. I got to have my own back. I'm in this on my own. And, and it's a wee thing. We go through this and, and, you know,I fall in love with Alcoholics Anonymous. I fall in love with the women. I fall in love with the commitments and showing up early and setting up the chairs and taking girls through the steps. You know, I thrive when I feel like I can be useful because that's the motive here. I go through the Steps. I find out the nature of my disease. I found out the nature of who I am, what my character defects look like, how they're showing up and manifesting, how their disguised and I can't see it's why it's so important. I have a sponsor. You know, it's so important. I have someone that can guide me through this book and allow me to see what it looks like to be an alcoholic. And I have a sponsor that I can hear so deeply. And i have a sponsor that i can relate to on a level that i feel like we're the same you know. And and i've never felt like she's up here and i'm down here. She's always made it feel like мы're holding our we're holding each other's hand and we're finding God together. And that was so profound to me. It was so important for me to feel like we're on the same team. We're onthe same level because when my ego gets in the way i'm up here you're down here, but I'm also down here and you're up here at the exact same time. And I can't figure out why I can't just sit and listen. I can'T figure out WHY I CAN'T JUST BE A MEMBER AMONGST OTHER MEMBERS. You know, I get sober and my, my friend Jimmy says, you get sober. And the first thing you get back is your ego. AndI just, I heard that I felt that because I need to protect myself because now I'm sober and I'm vulnerable and I'M uncomfortable and I don't know how to sit in my own skin. And through the steps, I've found that it's not about me anymore. Through that, I have found that this journey and this experience and this process is for the new girl walking in that needs somebody, you know, and we don't know who's going to hear what they need to hear and what I'm going to share to help somebody else. But I got to stay connected. I got to go to meetings for now. I gotta go to zoom. I just got to do what I can to find God because on this journey, I need him no matter what. And I heard yesterday in a conference and I can't remember who said it, but I have the worst memory when it comes to people's names. But he said, I don't get well pursuing comfort. And if that, if, oh, I don'T GET WELL PURSUING COMFORT. I mean, that struck me in all areas. What am I doing to pursue comfort? What am i doing that's benefiting just Tiffany? How do I set everything aside? Because when I'm pursuing comfort, I DON'T GET well. And in order to stay here, I HAVE TO get well. And getting well doesn't look like a bag and shoes and a hair appointment, but that's what it feels like for me. Getting well is when the book talks about in working with others, we never avoid the responsibilities. Be sure you're doing the right thing if you assume them. Helping others is a foundation stone of your recovery. A kindly act once in a while is not enough. You have to act the good Samaritan every day. If need be, it may mean the loss of night sleeps, great interference with your pleasures, can't pursue comfort to get well. I mean, the book outlines this through and through and in so many different ways, they're saying the same thing, you know? And whether I hear on the first page or the 97th page, you telephone may jingle at the time of the day and night. Your wife may sometimes feel she is neglected. A drunk may smash the furniture in your home or burn your mattress. I work for God. This is God's house. This is God's life. How can I be useful? But when I'm in self and I can't see that, or when I get in fear or my biggest one, when I feel insecure and not good enough, ego comes in, fear comes in and I'm separated from you. I'm trying to figure it out and run the show. And it leads me to buying plane tickets. I have to return from my sponsor, you know, when really I just think I need to get there. I need To get there because I need Pursue comfort and feel good because I'm uncomfortable sitting here. I'm uncomfortable in my own skin and it ebbs and flows through my sobriety. It comes and goes. And, and my purpose here is to help another woman in Alcoholics Anonymous, to sponsor women. I have found, I have find my God more through sponsoring women. I will say things over the phone that I think, oh my God, I don't even believe that, but it comes out. And my purpose hier is to make her feel like there is hope, there's a solution, and there is a God who will find it together. You know, there is a way out of this hopeless state of mind that when the insanity returns, I don't want to get loaded. You know, I have a healthy fear today that I don' t want to drink again. I am not immune to this. I have to do this thing every single day and sometimes baby steps at a time and sometimes I'm doing it and I'm kicking and I' m screaming and I'M crying because I' M a crybaby and I cry and I don'T want to go left. I want to go right because I convinced myself right is the right way and really left is the best way but I can' t get there on my own and my sponsor holds my hand and she tells me she loves me and she tells me we're going to get through this together sorry my dogs are barking um but that's the kind of inconvenience I need to be you know that's the kind self-sacrificing I need in order to stay here and my story is useful the biggest things that I hated about myself when I got sober the biggest thing that I thought I would never share with anybody I would never want you to know that that's how I think and feel about myself have been my biggest assets to new women the girls I sponsor it's been my biggest accomplishment to sit there and share my truth. I mean, that's all I have. You know, I come to Alcoholics Anonymous a liar, you know, where'd you go? I don't know when I do know I went left. No, I went right. I can't, I'm so incapable of being honest that when I come to you, it's stripped away slowly by surely through the steps and through finding a God that when i can sit there, i'm now capable of being honest with a new girl that's going to help her. You know, people were honest with me about their story. People held my hand and opened up their hearts, you know, and it allowed me to feel like, okay, you're human. Okay. You're crazy, but you don't live like that anymore. Okay, you have a solution, but how do you obtain that? And through numerous women in Alcoholics Anonymous, I have learned that you know – and it's not so much I've learned. It's not – I'm not in class. I'm not being taught something. I am being shown a way of living that I don't have to – I don't have to do on my own. And not only do I have to do it on my home, but I'm going to fall short, I'm going to make mistakes. But without a doubt, no matter what I've done Alcoholics Anonymous went without a doubt, No matter what when I wanted to give up and quit, I knew go to that meeting. I knew call my sponsor, I know that I just believed in Alcoholics Anonymous more than I believed my head, I believed the women in my sponsor more than i believe my head. And if I can just live in that way that I don't believe it, and I don't want to do it just show up, you know, the biggest thing for me is show up. I'm a stickler when I say I'm going to be there, I'm there. And I pride myself on that because for a long time, I never showed up for a long Time people waited around for a Long time. People thought I was going to show up and I didn't and and and I take that to heart. You know, I want to be a different woman today. I want to be A woman that trusts God, I Want to be alone, that's going to remain useful and alcoholics synonymous, because I don't have a purpose anywhere else. And when I do, it becomes the shopping and then this and then this and all these outside things that I think are going to fix me when, when it's not an outside job, it's an inside job. And I've been shown how to get there. I've Been shown a way that through this book, you know, I, I was so nervous when I first got sober to carry a message. What if I say it wrong? What if i do it wrong? And, and, and there's two things go through the book of Alcoholics Anonymous when it says take action, take action when it says pray, pray, and we do this together. And that's been the guideline with my sobriety. That's been the heart of where this fire lives is in my heart and through you and sitting with you and talking about Alcoholics Anonymous. I could geek out on AlcoholicsAnonymous for a message. And when I hear something, I take it and I apply it. And I heard a speaker say when they first got sober, I'm wondering where the cash and prizes are. And I thought, yes! I need all kinds of experience. I need all kinds of stories because I go there and when I don't go there, I'm connected. When I'm not there and I'm with you, whether it's for an hour or on the phone, I can breathe. That's my relief today. That is my centerpiece of my life is Alcoholics Anonymous and sometimes it doesn't feel like it but without a doubt, I have to self-sacrifice. Without a doubt destruction of self has to come first. How do I get out of myself? You know, I saw just a bunch of people in all these meetings laughing and you can feel the energy. You know? I love that kind of fire for Alcoholics Anonymous. When I first got sober, I went to Akron, Ohio for Founders Day and I thought, I have to move to Akroon. I have live in the heart of Alcoholics Anonymous in order for this to work. I can't go back home. I'm afraid I don't know how to take it with me. I'm afraid of, of being without you. And you know, you guys have given me a life and through working with others and, and doing all that, I have found a way of life where I don't think about a drink today. You know, I don'T even feel quarantined because I'M sitting here with you getting out of my head. I'M SITTING HERE LOOKING AT YOU HEARING A MESSAGE OF ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS. I' m hearing a message of depth and weight that what you do, you slash tires. Love it. I'm in, I can hear that. I hear that kind of experience. I need crazy, but I also need it followed up with a solution. And there's so many women and men in Alcoholics Anonymous that have carried a message of depth and weight that I can share. And, and I hope that I can do that for the same, for the same women that are coming in that feel uncomfortable and just want to stop drinking, but don't know how they just want to end it, but they don't know how. And that's how it feels. You know, that's how it felt for me when I first got sober. It felt like I'm never going to be able to get this. I'm never going to be able to accomplish anything. I just want to get loaded, be easier and softer for me to just get loaded. And I just wanted to read one more thing before I close. Practical experience shows that nothing will so much ensure immunity from drinking as intense work with other alcoholics. It works when other activities fail. This is our 12 steps. Carry the message to other alcoholcs! Carry the message to others. When sitting down with a woman and connecting with one alcoholic to another. There is power and energy, and God can speak through me to help you. And God speaks through you so I can hear you. My God gets so big when I'm sitting with other alcoholics. I can Hear Him through you. Over time, He just keeps getting bigger and bigger. It's like a muscle. I have to keep using it. Sometimes it feels foreign to talk to Him. Sometimes I'm embarrassed. Sometimes I're afraid to say, this is what I want to do. I talk to my God all day. I've had conversations for me to have a relationship. I need to talk and let you in and allow you to see things. It's like my relationship. God trusts me to be with one of his kids. How am I treating him? Am I being kind? Am I looking at my partner as one of God's kids? Or am I looking at him like, are you going to buy me shoes for Christmas? What are you going to do for me? Is this relationship more selfish than it is pure? Am I contributing to this? Am I setting aside my insecurities and my fears? Am I just giving you love? Am I paying kind? Am i telling you you're beautiful when you feel ugly? Am I holding your hand when you want to be alone? Am I showing up as one of God's trusted servants to be with one of his kids? And that's my perspective on my relationship. You know, I love my man, but am I showing it in the correct action? Am I trustworthy to be aveconeofgodskids? You know? And it's the same thing for women and Alcoholics Anonymous. Am I carrying the hand of AA? Am i being welcome? Ami being kind? Am i being loving? My sponsor has a way that when you give her a hug, she is just filled with love and she'll hold your hands and she will touch your face and give you a kiss and tell you she loves you and you can feel it without her even saying it. That's the kind of woman I want to be in Alcoholics Anonymous. That's what I want That's that's the kind of program I relate to. You know, I aspire to be like people in Alcoholic Anonymous who have failed and fallen up and gotten down and come back around and they have found God through you and you know it says life will take on new meaning. Absolutely. My life has a new meaning. The perspectives have changed. The characters look different. How I see the world and the people in Alcoholics Anonymous has been shifted. To watch people recover, to see them help others, to watch the loneliness vanish, to be a fellowship grow about you, to have a host of friends. This is an experience you must not miss. We know you will not want to miss it. frequent contact with newcomers and with each other is the bright spots of our lives. We know where all the meetings are. I know where my Monday night, Tuesday night, I know where they are. I go so that if a newcomer comes in, she knows this is Alcoholics Anonymous, that this is a safe place, that she will be protected and I will hold her hand and we will find God together. And no matter what we would do, AlcoholicsAnonymous, that no matter how we work together, hand in hand. And I have a road dog in Alcoholics synonymous and that's my girl. And we talk all the time and, and it makes it so much easier when you find your tribe. And I feel like I have found my tribe. I feel Like I have Found My Sisters in Alcoholics Anonymous that I have so, so longed for. And I didn't even know, you know, I love that frequent contact with new girls. I love getting their phone numbers. There's, there's a new meaning for life and the new meaning from me is get in the middle of Alcoholics Synonymous, fall in love with it. It makes it So easy to do Alcoholics synonymous when you fall in Love with it. And, um, I just lost my train of thought. Um, so yeah, it's 1155. I'm just going to wrap it up early. If you're new or if you're not new, I hope that you fall in love with Alcoholics Anonymous. I hopethat you have that fire and it gets sparked every single day that you want to help people and be the, be the message and bethe one that God can trust to help him. You know, he needs help with his kids. And we're, we're special. We're uniquely qualified to help other alcoholics. You know, God comes down and he's like, I'm going to give you my best girl, be nice, be kind, be inviting, be welcoming. And I just say, okay, God, thank you. Thank you for using me. It's a privilege to work for God. And when I can live in that area that I work for God, this is God's house. This is God'S kid. This IS God'S bed, God'S car. This Is God. This is God and I just need to go like I'm with God. And it makes life so much easier. It makes it a lot easier when I can stand with God and not stand with Tiffany because her and I together get in some trouble, you know, and today I don't want to get in trouble today. I want to be okay in my own skin because ultimately I can get loaded again, you Know, and I don'T want to drink. And so what that looks like is I got to show up. I got To do the steps. It's it's so important for me to have that spiritual experience, you KNOW, and i have to allow other people to have that spiritual experience. So that's all I have. Thank you so much for having me. Thank you so much for smiling and nodding and throwing up thumbs and just being the best cheerleaders of Alcoholics Anonymous. Thank you.