Making Amends and Step 10 – Awakening Workshop – Part 17 of 18 – Local AA Speakers

amazing all right we're recording hi everybody I'm Nancy I'm a recovered cocaine addict and alcoholic how is everybody with the heat yeah summer are summer lovers in here okay I'm gonna do a little recap of last week of steps eight and nine we took a look at pages 76 through the top of 84 and in those pages that talked about that we had made our list when we took our inventory we made that, I mean the list for steps eight and nine. And we also discovered that there might be people we may owe amends to that were not in our resentment inventory. So we add them. And there was a lot of direction for prayer to discover who you actually harmed and who needs to be on your list. And then you made your three by five cards and put the name and whether you can find them or not whether you have their phone number or not or their address or if you can't find them and then there's local can find out of town can find local can't find little Led Zeppelin there in the background okay so Okay, so we discovered that there were a number of different types of amends that the book gives directions as to how to make those. Personal amends, emotional amends financial amends legal amends perhaps. to who you've divorced or who you have abandoned. And I love toward the end where it says, we ought to sit down with the family and frankly analyze the past as we now see it, being very careful not to criticize them. Their defects may be glaring but the chances are that our own actions are partly responsible and I had an experience of doing that with my beautiful daughter, and we talked about our past for a couple of hours. And know that it may be difficult to hear when you ask those questions from the workbook to the person you're making amends to, what can I do to set this right? Would you like to share with me how what I did made you feel? and the answer to those questions from the person you're making amends to can be in all kinds of different forms. They can be in a form that allows this person also to heal as you're healing by making the amend. So it's a pretty cool experience to have God show up and show you who to make amends too I didn't know how to find a couple of people and it was moving from from Northern California down to here and the next thing I know I'm buying some you know boxes and tape and things like that to move and lo and behold there's this person in the store who lived two counties away so that one got made so you know it's it's God knows that we're looking to heal ourselves which will also help heal the planet and shows up shows up in ways we can't even try to map out certainly not with our intellect so why don't we say the third step prayer and have five minutes of meditation unless there are any questions on eight and nine. We're going to leave the last half hour for everybody to talk about an amend or a few amends that they did this week so we're gonna, three of us are gonna finish up by 8 o'clock leaving half an hour for you guys to share. God I offer myself to thee to build with me and to do with me as thou wilt. Relieve me of the bondage of self, that I may better do thy will. Take away my difficulties, that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help. Of thy power, thy love, and thy way of life, may I do thy I will always. Can someone hit that light over there? Can someone grab that light? Thanks. pat is going to share on step 10 and nancy and i are going to split 11 so pat will now share on uh step 10 yes i will pat alcoholic hello peeps missed you guys last week and i had a chance to listen to the eight and nine Leanne and Nancy you guys did an incredible job that was really good stuff Mike, appreciate your laughter I could hear in the background on the tape that was wonderful anybody can be laughing during 8 and 9 that's a healthy place to be that's an healthy place you know if you got your big book before we I'm going to keep me really tight on the time how much time do I have should I do 15 max 15 we'll see but anyway if you start getting you guys just go like this when you're done with me okay just cut me off all right i got it i could do it that's right what you want me to you want me to give you a like a yeah okay yeah like 15 20 is that what i'm doing yeah 15 20 no you're All right, so if you've got your big book, turn over to page 13. Hello, Matt. How are you, buddy? How's that cleanse going? And people on the tape, Matt's going through a cleanse. I just want to let you guys know that. Hey, it's summer. You guys realize that we started this thing six months ago? Wow! And do I see some differences in eyeballs around here? Not only whose eyeballs, but also just the look, the light in your eyes. It's really cool. That's why we do this at Peking. Good to see you. So on page 13, take a look at the very bottom. And you know what? If you get a chance in your evening review tonight, take a Look at pages 9 through 16 of Bill's story and see if those promises, those experiences that Bill experienced are starting to come through for you. this thing repeats just like our disease has common symptoms common traits and a common solution so does the experience so the experience that Bill had in pages 9 through 16 you should start seeing in your life you really should so bottom of page 13 Ebby's talking to Billy says my friend promised that when these things in other words he's doing the step work we're done I would enter upon a new relationship with my creator and that i would have the elements of a way of living which answered only my drinking no all my problems my living problems belief in the power of god plus enough willingness honesty humility to establish and maintain the new order of things were the essential requirements flip over to page 25 there's a method reason why we're doing this page 25 middle of the paragraph this is this is talking about what is the solution that we're embarking on the great fact is just this and nothing less that we have had these are people hundred people giving their common experience as a result of doing this work the great fact is this and nothing less that we've had deep and effective spiritual experiences which have revolutionized our whole attitude toward life, toward our fellows and towards God's universe. The central fact of our lives today is the absolute certainty that our Creator has entered into our hearts and lives in a way which is indeed miraculous. He has commenced to accomplish these things for us which we could never do by ourselves folks even the step 10 and 11 as you go through this it is not a self-help program it's a God centered program your higher power it's your higher power centered program there's no way around it and that's the good news now there's a tendency when we go into ten and eleven is I think that we got to start managing our spiritual development like we've got to start shaping our spiritual experience so we've gotta start figuring it out and you know I've got have the right experience on my 10 every day and I gotta have the white experience of watching I've gotta have a right experience in 11 in terms of meditation and insight an inspirational thought and all this stuff and that's not the truth the truth is it is up to God to do for us what we cannot do for ourselves it's our job to show up and to do the footwork which is what we're going to talk about in 10 so now turn over to page 66 and then trust me we'll get into 10 all right I think it's 66 yep okay so this is the middle of the resentment inventory on page 66 that next the the first paragraph it says it is plain that a life my life which includes deep resentment leads to happiness and fulfillment no it leads to futility uselessness and unhappiness to the precise extent that we permit these to do we squander the hours that might have been worthwhile so you've seen the experience of people that have recovered in the first chapter with Bill you've how they define what is the most important aspect of their entire lives in there is a solution page 25 and we We also see in page 66 exactly what it is that jams us up. Now I could go through the fear inventory and talk about the fear, how that james us up and everything else but the bottom line is this, 8 and 9 is about going out and repairing the damage that we've caused, the wreckage. What does the book say is the reason for our wreckage? because self-will was running amok and we're trying to live on our own power. We could do the exact same thing when we try to manage our spiritual lives. And I think the first hundred knew that. And so they were very specific in steps 10 and 11 in how to avoid a bunch of nonsense and spiritual make-believe-ness and have an authentic experience with your God who you have now touched as a result of steps one through nine. Everyone in here has had an experience. Think about the experience you've had with step one. Are you clear about the nature of alcoholism or your addiction? Raise your hand. Is everybody in here, and everybody's hands going up, Is everybody clear about the spiritual malady? That the uncomfortability inside the revolution, the attack, the riot that is happening inside bubbles out to the outside. And there's not a damn thing I could do about it. Human power, how did that work? Are we really clear that human power was of no avail? That human power in step one didn't get the job done? Step two, can I see the insanity of trying to experiment with the first drink or the next hit on the drugs and that every time I do it, I get the same result, which is if I have an allergic reaction, if I had the mental obsession, that cycle triggers and I'm off to the races again. I have absolutely no control, power, choice, right? step three am i getting clear that living on my will and convincing the world that they would just adopt my belief system my feelings and put their priorities in line which is make me feel good and wanted and secure and needed and necessary and all the rest of the stuff that we try to do everything will be okay in other words living on self-will what was the result and we take a look at that in step three and we get really clear and we say you know what it's not working step four we get up front close impersonable personal with all those things in that column four experience of the resentment inventory that i try to do to you to get you back in line how's that working anybody have a good experience with that not me either and the fears how was it trying to get rid of those fears all the self-reliant attempts that i had to get rid OF THOSE FEARS oh it worked so great man nailed it mmm this is great didn't work and I'm left with that dilemma uh i've got to trust god or else and then we go through that fifth step get honest we find out what's objectionable we have that beautiful experience of six and seven where god literally starts taking away from us what we find objectionable revolutionize our life and if you're just on the front end of that experience believe me god never quits so it'll keep on happening, it'll keep on developing. It'll keep on growing deeper and deeper and deeper. Eight and nine. Dirty little secret about this whole program. Spiritual awakening is a short answer for grow up. Show up in life as an adult. Be a contributor, not a taker. Be considerate, not a pain in the ass. Be loving, not selfish. Could I do it on my own? No. we unique alcoholics and addicts have a special place in selfish self-centeredness that only God could take out but when he takes it out we start growing up and the weirdest thing is we start feeling a part of and we don't feel like we're an alien walking around and hoping people realize that we have antennas and scales on our back I got some skills in my front where I'm got a little sunburn and it's blowing up a little bit here all right but isn't that cool i mean where god has brought us up through one through nine he doesn't drop us there though and the coolest thing about these first hundred they go it's not enough it is not enough to get clean one time it'snotenough to get it all figured out and feel like i'm right with the world see this room this workshop the meetings you go to the bbas on wednesday nights monday nights thursday nights friday nights good solid aaa meetings that you're going to those are training grounds it's about living life not in the rooms out in the world being god's intelligent agent his spearhead of his ever advancing creation take that to meditation for a month Unbelievable. Man, there's so much fun. I get excited about this stuff, sorry. I'm not sorry. What the heck? Here we are. Okay, so turn over to page 84. Wow. This thought brings us to step 10, which suggests. What kind of thought are we talking about? There's a couple. Rodney hit it. This thought takes us back to when step nine started, which is, hey, we've got to go repair some damage. Are you willing to keep on doing the amends until they're all done? Not some, all. All of them. All people. Right? And the other part of it is if you do this halfway through that process, you're going to start seeing some changes. We start seeing the promises in step three. and we start seeing the promises in step four, five. I mean, there's promises throughout all these steps and that's another great meditation. Hey God, show me where in my life these promises are coming true. Help me see these things because you know what happens? The more God sets you free, the more you're going to want to share this message with other suffering alcoholics and addicts, and you cannot wait to do more of it. It's our experience. I mean, raise your hand if you're doing more sponsorship, if you ready to do some sponsorship. You guys are all ready. Seriously. You're all ready That's the deal. And you want to see the miracle of how God is real? Start sponsoring somebody and watch their lives take shape and change. and also you're going to see some heartbreaks we had some really big heartbreaks this last week but the fact of the matter is God is still God and he knows exactly what needs to happen so there's in that next paragraph continue to take personal inventory continue to set right new mistakes vigorously commence continue for a lifetime continue to watch do you think this is about doing it one time the word continues all throughout there in that first paragraph and there's some spiritual terms that come up this personal inventory is not because I don't know if I, yeah the spiritual inventory that we're doing this personal imagery isn't because I have a love affair with taking a cat of nine tails or a whip and beat myself every day, I don' t do it for that reason, I do it because I don''t want to be blocked off from God and I have experienced this God-connectedness and I don't want anything to get in the way of it. If anything, I want to go deeper with God. I'm tasting some good stuff and I do not want to stop. So this personal inventory is all about keeping that side of our street clean and here's the watchwords in this daily activity. I am going to continue this for a lifetime So when I see selfishness, dishonesty, resentment, and fear crop up in my life, it doesn't say if, it's a when. It'll show up. I'm watchful as I'm walking around in life. This is all about watchfulness. This is also about being aware. It's all about being present in the day. And so when it happens, I'm asking God at once to remove this stuff. God, separate me from this crap. I don't want to act like this. I don' t want to be thinking like this I don´t want to conniving like this It doesn´t mean that it´s going to happen at once with the fear being removed and some of those things but it means that we go to God right away I discuss it with somebody immediately Usually it´S a person that I just did the stuff to I don ´t have to wait Some people have a ten-step buddy and that´s great and you call somebody up and then you go back to the person you offended or you harmed I'm a pretty big believer in just getting straight with the person right in front of me. You know, just get it done. And then if I need to clean up my side of the street, I make those amends, and then I resolutely turn my attention to people that I can help. Love and tolerance of others is my code. So I'm going to ask. The watchwords in this are I'm gonna ask, I'm Gonna Discuss, I'm going to make amends. I'm to turn my thoughts. I'm gonna start getting used to listening to this kind of a text in my head, if you will. And I'm not practicing. Here's some promises that come out of the 10th step. We'll go pretty fast. How would it be if I cease fighting anyone or anything? That's my current experience with my spiritually fit condition. and i'm not i'm not giving you guys any bs my normal experience in a day is i don't have a sense of fighting for my rights fighting for attention fighting for my way fighting for my security fighting with that guy that gal i cease fighting anyone or anything i'm gonna and it goes on it says even alcohol even drugs the problem is removed we didn't do a darn thing to remove that obsession of mind God does for us what we can't do for ourselves the problem is removed we put no effort the effort we put into it is going through the steps but without any thought or effort on our part it just comes that's the miracle of it I'm also placed in a position of neutrality safe and protected i don't need anything to change today for me to be okay nothing has to change my external world for me to be ok does that mean everything is perfect in my external world no but it means that i'm not looking to the outside to make my insides ok and that actually changes And it's huge. And then I'm going to jump through a couple more things with you. Man, it's easy to let up in the spiritual program of action and rest on our laurels. We're headed for trouble if we do. Alcohol is a subtle foe. We're not cured of alcoholism. The guy at the Golden Slippers, 25 years, was he cured? How did it work out for him? He thought he could go back and drink like a gentleman, right? He's dead in four years. I don't think it's going to last that long for some people. I don'T think it would be for me. What we really have is a daily reprieve. But I want to emphasize something. You'll hear in the room sometimes that 10th step is a maintenance step. It's not. There's nothing maintenance-y about the 10th Step. it's all about growing in understanding and effectiveness with your god experience why because it's a life journey into freedom it's the life journey in the bigger usefulness to God the more you're willing to risk for God's sake the more God uses you for his sake that make sense it's it's a pretty cool axiom all right carry the vision of god's will into all your activities where do we get that vision that we're supposed to carry i guess we better spend some time with god on a daily basis guess we'd better spend some time being watchful and looking for those things. We get a hint of that vision in the bedevilments on page 52. If we were on God's power, how would our personal relationships look? How would our emotional nature being controlled look? How about misery and depression? How about unhappiness? How bout helpfulness or usefulness? How about making a living? Isn't that cool? The vision is for each one of us in this room. Your vision of how God put you together is a special fingerprint unique to your soul, and God needs you. It is incomplete without you. I'm going to finish up. We are to use our willpower. I use my willpower every day. I put my willpower to work every day to show up and try to be loving and tolerant to show us to show off and try to be a contributor to show up and do what God would have me do even sometimes when it's not convenient even when I'm tired even when I'm not feeling my emotional best why because all about growing up and growing big and getting free thank you guys My name is Leanne. I'm a recovered alcoholic. Thank you, Pat. That was awesome to be able to put that down in 20 minutes. We can probably talk for an hour on step 10. So in the beginning, first of all, I just want to make something really clear. When we do steps 10 and 11 with sponsees, when you're taking them through the work, how this looks. Because up to this point, we've had other things to use. Like we have the Idiot's Guide for Steps 1 through 3. Then we have Resentment Inventory for 4 through 5, 6 and 7. And then we had Index Cards for 8 and 9. And then what do we have for 10 and 11? So what you do at this point – because we started – when we start doing this work, one of the things that we asked you to do was to read 84 through 88 on a daily basis, right? not just to read it, but to be doing it, right? The whole experience of doing the work as outlined in the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous is to have an experience with it and to share that experience, not justto read it and not justtomemorize it andnotjusttogaininformation. We need the information, but we need theinformation to be useful in our lives and our experience with this work. So what we do when we get to 10 and 11 is because we've been reading it already, we just sit down with the people that we're working with and we go over this. And what I've, like I was sharing with Michelle, as I'm reading 10 and 11, as we read 10 and11 together, I start writing more in my book. I have more writing in my books than I did when I first started. And it's because I'm gaining more experience. I'm seeing more things pop out. I'm noticing more things in 10 and eleven. But that's what we're doing at this point. We're just reading. There's no questions to answer. You can, however, answer the statements that you turned into questions. I think that you should. Obviously, we ask ourselves those as we're writing and we're doing the transcribing in the big book because we're asking ourselves these questions. So we get to the bottom of page 85, right? It says step 11. By the way, the steps are not as clear cut as say they are in like the 12 and 12, right, in the 12th and 12th. We don't see anything, we don't see the steps numbered or labeled in the big book until we get to what step? Three. Right? One and two, we just know that two is we agnostics and up to there is step one before we agnostics. So here again we see ten is italicized and it's always italicize when it says what step we're on. Step eleven suggests prayer and meditation. Right? We've been doing that and we know that. We shouldn't be shy on this matter better men than And we are using it constantly. It works if we have the proper attitude and work at it. Before I just go on and continue to read, which I normally did before when I would do this work or when I'd read the big book, I wouldn't say, well what do they mean by proper attitude? And it wasn't until I did the work this way that Tyla or my sponsor had me write page 55. So if we go back to page 55 of this book, let's see, what do you mean by proper attitude. It's been a while since I was back on page 55. Second to last paragraph, we can only clear the ground a bit if our testimony helps sweep away any prejudice, enables you to think honestly. So sweep away prejudice, think honestly, encourages you to search diligently within yourself. Then if you wish, you can join us on the broad highway, all capitalized. With this what attitude, you cannot fail. so that's what they're talking about the um the proper attitude it can it would be easy to be vague about this matter yet we believe we can make some definite and valuable suggestions all right so here's some when do we retire at night and and why doesn't it tell me to do that why doesn't tell me what to do in the morning first and then at night because probably when i'm reading this i'm already awake so i'm gonna go to bed tonight and this is what i gotta do first so that's just my opinion. My opinion means nothing. So when we retire at night, we constructively review our day. Were we resentful, selfish, dishonest or afraid? Do we owe an apology? Why is it saying apology and not an amends? Because at this point by now, we've already made amends, right? And my little escapade that I had with my daughter an hour ago doesn't really mean an amens. It's just, you know, I need to go in there and say, hey Brooke, I'm sorry. I always use Brooke about making amends too because her and I are like this we're we're like two of the same she's my mini me and we're I constantly are butting heads you know so so you know I go in and say Brooke you know i'm sorry for you know for yelling at you or whatever it is that I do so it's just it's an apology at this point have we kept have we kids kept something to ourselves which should be discussed with another person at once another person that wants pat was just mentioning that in step 10, right? Go to that person directly. I go to that person directly too most of the time. Were we kind, loving toward all? What could we have done better? Were we thinking of ourselves most ofthe time or were we thinking of what we can do for others and what could we pack into this stream of life? This was one of the sentences when I first heard my spot Tyler speak that I'd never heard before. What am I doing to pack into the stream of life like I don't believe that God got me sober so I can sit around and just not drink all day. You know he got me sober so we could do what we're doing now you know giving back what's freely given to us you know putting back into this dream of life sharing sharing this message with other alcoholics and then also am i being an example in my everyday life with other people too as well but we must be careful not to drift into worry remorse or morbid reflection that would for that would diminish our usefulness to others have i done that yeah i this is not this is all a work in progress for me okay after making our review we ask god's forgiveness all right and inquire what corrective measures could be taken god what would you what would what would have me do in this situation um on awakening now it's going to tell me what i do when i wake up in the morning on awakening let us think about the 24 hours ahead we consider our plans for the day before we begin we ask God to direct our thinking one of the things that i do when I sit in my prayer and meditation in the morning and I just ask, I just go. I waive my right for free will because God gives me the ability to have free will. I don't even want it. Just let me be an empty vessel, God, and you work through me. Everything good that happens throughout my day is not a reflection of what I've done but what God's done in my life. All the blessings that I have today are not a reflexion of what Leanne did and that she did it her way. It's a reflection of what God has done through me like I don' t take credit And, you know, I don't take credit for my sobriety. You know, and I have a mother-in-law that says, oh, I'm so proud of you. You did so good to not, you Know, some people don't understand. It's not me doing this. I don' t do this. I don''t take credit For the person that I am today. We ask God to direct our thinking, especially asking that it be divorced from self-pity, dishonest, and self-seeking motives. under these conditions we can employ our mental faculties with assurance for after all god gave us brains to use right it said on the previous pages it's proper use of the will to will got into our lives and god's now allowing us to do some of our own thinking for ourselves because why it's directed by him we're saying our thought life will be placed on a much higher plane when our thinking is clear of wrong motives and thinking i always i i always want to be able to do god's will and what i've noticed throughout the the years of doing this work and being in prayer and meditation and honoring what god wants me to do is that i do godís will and then my will suddenly becomes godís wheel and godís world becomes my will and now weíre aligned and then the things that I want in life are the things that God would want me to have in life and thinking about our day we may face indecision, we may not be able to determine which course to take here we ask God for inspiration an intuitive thought or decision we relax and take it easy, we don't struggle one of the things I have to ask in my prayer life when I sit and pray is am I just giving God my scraps because I can give 100% to the work that I do I can gives 100%to my family I can give 100% to everything. It's like having a dinner party and then making sure that all the guests get, you know, got to make sure that they think I'm great and just prepare the best dinner. I'm the best hostess. And then I have this dog that I love, and I just give him the scraps, you know, afterwards sometimes. You know, am I giving God my scraps? Am I sitting in the morning and then just getting a little prayer through? Or is God the guest, the main guest at my banquet? And that's what I have to look at in my prayer life. Am I not only just... God knows what I need. He knows what i'm going to say and he knows what i'm gonna talk about. But in addition to just sitting there and talking and sharing with God, I have to shut myself up and I have to listen for that intuitive thought and it's going to tell me here we don't struggle. We are often surprised how the right answer comes after we have tried this for a little while. What used to be, I'm going to quit right here and answer. I'm going to let you finish here. What use to be a hunch or occasional inspiration gradually becomes a working part of the mind. And to be politically correct and not offend anybody here, but slowly a spirit begins to talk to me and I begin to listen to God's voice talking within me. You know, you can call it whatever you want. You can call It, you know, Holy Spirit, whatever. But I begin to be able to hear God's voice clearly when I give a little bit of quiet time and not you know so much clutter in my head I'm sitting in prayer and meditation I'm able to hear God speak to me tell me what it is that he wants to do the people go you really hear God talk to you yeah I do I'm sorry I I don't want to apologize for that but I really do because I see it working in my life today uh what used to be a hunch or a gradual and um or occasionally gradually becomes a working part of the mind being still inexperienced and having just made conscious contact with God, it is not probable that we are going to be inspired at all times. We might pay for this presumption in all sorts of absurd actions and ideas, right? Sometimes what I thought was God talking to me was really me talking to Me. Like I thought it was, you know, like I thought It was God's idea. I clearly saw later that it was My idea and what My thought would be. I'll share this really in one minute. My daughter was dating somebody that I thought was, this was it. This was the man that God put, you know, they met in church. This is it. This is the man. That she's going to marry. And we just really saw it. They were going to marriage classes and everything. And it turned out that he ended up breaking up with her, which none of us, like, even saw that coming. But I thought I felt God telling me that, you Know? like I really felt that God was telling me that what I later found out God was telling me because now he wants to get back together with her because you know she's not available right for her you know she's not available suddenly he wants her back you know and so she comes to me she tells me everything so she come since she's taught telling me about this and she goes you know I'm not gonna say his name you know John let's just say his You know, John, maybe the reason why you broke up with me was so that in your next relationship you can see how you're not supposed to just run out of a relationship because you're going through something that you should work it out. This is a 23-year-old girl. Like I didn't have that much brains. This is someone that's driven and listens to God. But she goes, I just feel God telling me that, that maybe that's what it needs to be, that we're not supposed to be together but our relationship is it was something learning for both of us that that you're supposed to learn this because the next girl that you are with you're going to treat her like a princess and you're not going to break up with her at the drop of a hat you know and of course he didn't want to hear that but but but I see how God is and I see all this orchestrated because we were brokenhearted just like she was but I see how the relationship needed to happen that way and now I see now I go oh okay God that's what you did in this situation so I begin to see how God's got his fingerprints all over our lives all the time just sometimes what I think is the way that I want it to be is the way that i wanted to be not how God would have it be it still ends up beautiful but that's just my little story so that's what I have, and I'll let Nancy finish the rest of 11. Thanks. Thanks, Leanne. Thanks for that story. Nancy recovered a drug addict. Hi, Nancy. Alcoholic. Whatever that is. Whatever that was. Okay. Our thinking will, as time passes, be more and more on the plane of inspiration. We come to rely upon it. You know, I found for a few years there that I would feel inspired that this was a spiritual inspiration thought and I'd play it out or whatever and then only to discover that it wasn't. It was mine and we're given brains to use. We can we can make decisions that are positive decisions that feel right but that happens for it happened for me with trial and error it's like reading through this at the end of the day after I've attempted to be mindful in my step 10 throughout the day, then I can answer these questions on page 86. If I haven't been watching during the day I won't know if I was resentful, selfish, dishonest or afraid you know? So we usually conclude the period of meditation with a prayer which is a really good thing to do that we be shown all through the day what our next step is to be that we be given whatever we need to take care of such problems why because we're looking for freedom from self-will and to as leanne said to align our will with god's will and that takes some practice you know this this they they use terms like continue for a lifetime that pat went into. We ask especially for freedom from self-will and are careful to make no requests for ourselves only, and it's okay to ask God to help you have an open mind. It's okay to ask God to help you be honest in a situation you're not sure of. It's okay to ask for those things because those are to help you grow in effectiveness and understanding of how to be who God would have you be, right? Okay. We're careful never to pray for our own selfish ends. Many of us have wasted a lot of time doing that and it doesn't work. Remember that song Oh Lord Won't You Buy Me a Mercedes Benz. Remember that? That's not the kind of prayer we're talking about here. Although it's a fun song. Many of us have wasted a lot of time doing that and it doesn't work. You can easily see why. Of course, she had enough money to buy her own Mercedes-Benz. If circumstances warrant, we ask our wives or friends to join us in morning meditation. If we belong to a religious denomination which requires a definite morning devotion, we attend to that also. If not a member of religious bodies, we sometimes select and memorize a few set prayers which emphasize the principles we have been discussing. And if Bill and Bob were around during this period of time, they may have put in there, and there are lots of CDs that will guide you in meditation until you can do it on your own. Okay. A few set prayers which emphasize the principles we've been discussing. There are many helpful books also. Suggestions about these may be obtained from one's priest, minister, or rabbi or local monk or the meditation center or the mosque you know, whatever your preference is there is information available there. be quick to see where religious people are right make use of what they offer I have a little note in here to myself trusting God will provide what I need when I lived in Europe I went to a lot of the cathedrals there and and they're They're absolutely awe-inspiring, those ancient—I mean, they're not ancient. They're several hundred years old. They're carved out of stone. They have people that were in power during that period of time buried inside the cathedral. They have carved faces and things of them, and some of them there are some knights you know buried and um i found visiting some of those places to be very inspiring and what i saw in so many of them and they were catholic where i don't know what it's called but that little uh side part of the church where there are little altars um of their own you know and they're i don' t know if they're stations of the cross i'm not a catholic i i wouldn't know but when i would go in those churches i would see the women from the village dressed in their black outfits with their black lace veil over them lighting candles and saying prayers or doing the rosary and then i would see them at the local market selling their chickens you know and then going home in the evening and starting up a fire to cook their fisherman husband's sardines. And in Portugal, the sardine's are really good and they're really big and they' re great grilled. And you know, it tells us in the book that religion has brought purpose and direction to millions of people. now I don't go to a church I'm not a member of any religious body but I live a spiritual way of life and so I can appreciate what religion has to offer so many different people because there's so many different ones because there are so many different kinds of people and one person from the mosque isn't necessarily going to be attracted to the Catholic Church or a Buddhist meditation group so you know we as leanne said we're we're each individual people and we have to find our own way and find out what feels like what god would have us be and again that takes some practice it's like playing the piano or playing soccer or baseball you know you're not going to be the greatest hitter in all of baseball after you play 10 games. You know, it's a practice. You have to go for it. As we go through the day, we pause when agitated or doubtful. Oh, this one was interesting to become a working part of my mind. in the beginning, pausing when agitated or doubtful was not something I thought of when I was agitated or doubtfull because I'm busy I'm being irritated and it's their fault where we go at the speed of light so again, it takes practice so we ask for the right thought or action who do who are we asking god we're being trained by these two steps to go within instead of without that's all and we have to you know do that enough to be able to get a sense of oh there's the right answer i know that that's the correct answer and it might turn out to be the right answer but you know we practice this stuff. We constantly remind ourselves that we're all sober now, we've graduated and I can go out and create a great life. No! We constantly remind yourselves we are no longer running the show. Humbly, humbly saying to ourselves many times each day lots of times thy will be done I can't tell you how many hundreds of times I said that in the first 15 years of sobriety because sometimes I'd leave the house and I was not feeling connected or happy and I was a little concerned about how I might respond to the first person i came up against um and so you know in the elevators i will be done not mine show me how i can be helpful to you we are then in oh much less danger of excitement fear anger worry self pity or foolish decisions wow that sounds good we become much more efficient we do not tire so easily for we are not burning up energy foolishly as we did when we were trying to arrange life to suit ourselves it works it really does we alcoholics are undisciplined really oh did you see that in your fourth step so we let God discipline us in the simple way we have just outlined but this is not all there is action and more action faith without works is dead there it is again the next chapter is entirely devoted to step 12 which of course we'll do next week director actor God will direct my life, father-child. I will trust that God is providing what I need. Will I? Will I really trust that God's providing what i need? And how different is that from what I think I want? Principal agent. I will represent what God will have me be. Can I be a spearhead of God's ever advancing creation? I think that's a great thing to take to meditation. Yeah. That's the end of step 11. We're going to charge into step 12. Thank you. Okay. All right, Leanne Alcoholic. So we're going to go ahead and open it up for how many of you made at least one amends this last week? Let's see a show of hands. One, two, three, four, five, six. Anybody else? you made a lot of attempts no one wanted to see but you made an attempt you should share that yeah so i'll go ahead and share remember i made you guys a promise that i would i made you guy's a promise let me tell you something right now don't ever wait eight years to make an amends and i don't know why i even did this why i didn't even waited to be honest with you something good comes out of every workshop that i do and this is the one great thing that came out of this workshop i made a phone call to my friend derek back in texas and you know oh and what the story was this he was helping he wanted to jump on board with this book that i was writing and so he hired um actually i hired a ghost writer and he was he was funding it so because he wanted he wanted a portion of it so which is fine so this was before i was doing big book awakening or anything this was back when i was sick So he sent the money to this ghostwriter. Anyway, long story short, she took off with the money, and I just never saw her. And I never talked to him or I never confronted him about that. She's really responsible for paying him back, but I'm responsible because I'm the person that tried to get him to do this. So anyway, I never confront him with it. so I called him you know I called I haven't talked to him in probably oh my gosh like four years I sent him a Christmas card every year and you know i know he's busy but haven't heard anything so my mind thinks he's mad at me because of this this whole time i'm thinking he's bad at me he's not going to call me he is not going to talk to me he mad at because of his whole thing this is the crazy thing before we go into it we our alcoholic ego thinks it knows what that person is thinking or doing and how they're going to react. We always think the worst because why? We're not good enough, right? We'RE afraid of rejection. And that's kind of what I was afraid of. So I called Derek and I go, I love you. And he's laughing. Andthat's how I started. But we were talking like we had never skipped a beat. And we, you know, got each other caught up on our lives and what we were doing. And I and he was his old chipper self, just like nothing had ever even changed and I go you know Derek the reason why I'm making this phone call well obviously I want to talk to you and I'm really glad that we were able to get caught up but you know like eight nine nine years ago I had you that ghostwriter you pay that ghost writer and and she kind of bailed and I owe you that money and he got quiet he goes oh yeah I forgot about that I go how much I go How much was that? He goes I have no idea. I go well I'm pretty sure it was somewhere in the range of around three thousand dollars he goes I go and I want to pay you back he goes well that's great because I'm broke right now that's the guy that makes a lot of money he goes because I broke even this month I go well okay so anyway that's how that went and it went over it wasn't like I haven't had the money to pay him it was just I was so afraid that he was going to reject me and be mad at me and that's what I was I was in fear of, and it actually turned out really good. So that's my story. Who wants to come up next and tell theirs? Come on up. Tammy Alcoholic. Hey, everyone. Actually, mine is one from sobriety as well. I've been sober a long time, so I think I've made most of mine from my drinking days. But I was acting alcoholically towards a friend that we had, this recovery friend that we had a falling out like four years ago. And she shows up on my resentment list number one every time. And so I decided to go ahead and let that go and made my amends to her on Sunday. Her son and my 12-year-old son are best friends, and they haven't been able to see each other because of this rift that she and I have had. And I realized when I got home that I owed him an amends as well. so I got to make an amends and show recovery in action to my 12 year old son and that was pretty awesome. Thanks. Awesome. Thank you. I saw some hands go. I think Alfonso's hand was up. I don't know. That wasn't. Michelle, yours. Oh, I don' t know if I haven' t. We'll see what happens. You have to say names. Let me get a freestyle and see what comes out of my mouth. Freestyle. Well, yeah, I'm sure there's something in there. My name is Michelle, and I'm an alcoholic and an addict. I did two, and I thought about a different one. I did one to my friend Kelly because, well, she just came back into the rooms, and then I have my best friend. Formerly it's complicated, right? So it used to be complicated, now we're just friends. In a moment of bitterness, I said to Diaz, like, well, Kelly thinks that you were giving her dirty looks when we were at the meeting. And then you went around and then you stood next to me and did the serenity prayer and you looked her up and down. And so then what I ended up doing was I told Dia that in a moment of resentfulness, really. I was like, you know. And so I went and I said to Kelly, I was, like, I need to apologize. I told dia what you said about her giving dirty looks. And, you knows, being spiteful when I did it. And I feel like it could have caused harm in the two of them becoming friends, you know? Because, like, Kelly's coming back into the rooms. They're in a workshop together now, you Know? So here I am being like, well, Kelly thinks this and mm-mm-mm, you Now? And so I'm kind of jamming up, I think, like the ability of them to, like bond and make friends, like in the programs. And now they're like, right? So anyways, Kelly said it was okay that she can handle herself if somebody gives her a very little, I don't know. But anyways, they're friends. They're friends, and I gave the same amends to Dia, you know, like a week ago. I said, hey man, when I said this to you, you now, I was being mean, and I feel like I might have caused harm in your relationship with Kelly. and um and she was like oh well you know since since you said that like you know it's made her lean in to be nicer to Kelly more so it seems like they're doing pretty great did I answer the question yeah yeah I did another one um to Dia today and this is one of my longest ones she's my best friend we're roommates she's in the bunk bed underneath me yes I live on a bunk bed um but yeah so i so i read it to her like it's because she's my friend and she's doing the program i could be like this is what i'm doing even you know so i'm practicing or whatever and she's very cool so um you know i was like i'm sorry i'm so controlling like because i'm so controlling i try to control who she's friends with i kind of control what she's doing what she're thinking how she behaves how she talks to people every i mean that's just the beginning so anyways I apologize because Kenny knows her oh my god I apologized to her and I was crying I was like I'm so sorry this is just so I'm not cool I'm still not cool and um and then I said is there anything I left out and she said no and I was like you want to tell me how like all this made you feel and she's like no I just Wow like we thought up so much stuff and I was like also one step further so I am still talking and I said you know I can be delusional and i can be really egocentric and i could think that i'm seeing everything and i think i'm being so thorough you know but like i could be missing something like so glaringly obvious and i don't even realize it because i'm like oh i see everything but anyways so i felt good like after that and that was a big one for me so i'm glad i got that one out of the way oh you didn't say that before rodney alcoholic so i wrote a resentment on no solution meetings you know those meetings where i go and i either want to blow my brains out or i want to below everybody in the rooms brains out because nobody's talking about a solution it's all drunk a lot and um of course writing it out I saw very clearly why I need to be there you know and so my mens has been that I've committed myself to one of those groups which you know one of my sponsees was was the secretary and I was like no I'm not going to go anymore because I get nothing out of these meetings and it's not about that. It's about giving back, it's about giving the message and having a solution and showing it. And by consistency and by showing up, myself and some of the guys that I sponsor, we have changed the makeup of the meeting. And we've done that at a couple of different places. And then of course the thought came Most of the guys I sponsor have come from no-solution meetings because, hey, you kind of stand out if you have a solution. Thanks. My name is Alfonso and I'm an alcoholic. Alfonzo! So I did this is my second time that actually wrote on my sister and This is the first time that I actually feel like I knew I needed to make an amends to her so My alcoholic brain told me that my sister should be calling me and checking up on me all the time because I'm the baby of the house and and Since I don't have my mom anymore. She should be she's the last female in my family She should check up on you, so I Never thought of the fact that she might be going through depression or she might be going through a hard time so for a while there I just I ignored her and I told myself well you know she's if she wants to call me she's gonna call me and it was a Friday night actually all of a sudden I felt like I needed a collar so I don't know what I was doing I was out with friends and and I went home and it was like around nine o'clock and I called her up and I said hey how's it going and I sit I'm I was I was i'm doing this work and I noticed that maybe I've been ignoring you maybe I haven't been checking up on you and she she actually opened up to me and she told me that um that she had been going through a big depression that she was isolating and that her and her son were not doing really well so we cried we talked for like two hours and and we talked I talked to her about you know what I've been doing the point in the program and it wasn't really it was a beautiful experience for me I was able to to make amends to her you know I told her I'm gonna I'm going to be better with you I'm gonna call you more I went and I visited her last week but it was it was an amazing experience for me to be able to see all this doing this work the second time yes I did record it but I I can't... You've got to touch your phone. Yeah, we'll talk later. Okay, we're going to take care of it. Share a point with them. So I had two of them, and one of the more powerful ones was my co-worker, somebody I'd been working with for quite a long period of time. And on my resentment inventory, it was very clear once I started to do the realization and all the areas that I was acting out on, And I was clearly, the resentment was he wasn't doing his share of the work. And as far as the workload was concerned, he started to just disappear and do a little bit here and there. And I Was Complaining About It, I Was Getting Pissed, and then I Got Resentful. So my repercussion on that and the realization was I was doing everything he was doing and worse. And it was very clear that I was being resentful. I was feeling even worse than I thought I was even when I wrote the realization down. And as I was going through it and I'm reading the delusion, you know, the fear of delusion and all the way up my thoughts and my actions, I started to see that I was even worse than I was when I was writing it. And so this was not easy neither because we're about the same exact age. We've been with the company the same amount of time. And it was hard. It was just really hard. So I had to pray for the willingness to do it, and one day I just didn't plan on it. And if anybody's done amends, sometimes this happens. It's a pretty powerful experience. So I'm walking across the floor to my part of the department, and he was standing right there staring at me, and I'm like, oh shit. I knew it. And the reason why I said oh shit is because I felt God telling me now it's time. And like Leanne was sharing earlier about the 11th step, that God consciousness is real. When you start praying and meditating regularly, it comes, and it comes powerful. And the more you quiet your mind, the louder the whisper becomes. So here I am walking across, and I said, you know what? I said Elle, I've been a real lazy ass man. I said I've really taken it to an extreme of not doing my part at work. And I'm sorry, dude. And I've got to make this right. And I said, you know, if you want me to do most of the work for the next three weeks, I'm good with it, man, whatever you want my to do. I said I feel bad about this. He looked at me and started laughing. He goes, dude, I thought I was doing it. So then we had this moment of common rottery, you now. And he was telling me, you kno, I've been screwing off too. And he goes, you kow what, let's just hold each other accountable and when things get hard, just say it. Just say something to me and I'll say something to you, and we'll work this out, and make it even. And we'll do the best we can." So we've been doing it, and I've been working with Pat as my sponsor, and we were talking about being more genuine, being more assertive. So when he does do what he does, in the past I wouldn't say anything. There was a lack of realness from my heart. I felt like I deserved it, so it didn't matter for me to say anything. So here I am now saying, hey uh, I need a hand with this. And that's all I I asked it's so simple so my workplace has been awesome everything has been going smooth and you know what there's still times I get disappointed or get upset but it's not a resentment it's not anger it doesn't turn into anything 20 minutes later it's gone and we talk it out the second one I did was with my wife and she doesn't come up on every reason on every time I go through their steps but this time in particular if you guys remember I was I had the family here in april visiting and i had a little bit of a a rage fit things weren't going my way and to make a long story short i put this resentment down on paper and what i got to see was i was in a delusion i was thinking that she was fighting against the flow of doing things with the family because she was mad about me spending some money because i had issues in the past and that wasn't so so but had nothing to do with it when i got the seat of delusion and i actually confronted my wife and I said you know what I act like a real ass and I need to make this up to you and I needed to show this up to you I have to live a different way and she goes yeah all you gotta do is communicate with me pull me to the side away from your family because we are family and she corrected me you know and she was spot-on so now it's about when things happen and it's happened a couple times now with her family cuz her mom moved and that was another resentment that's a whole nother story but when she moved there was a lot of family stuff going on and I just looked at my wife at one point and I knew that I had to walk away step aside with her there's a lot of times I think because it's family I could just discuss anything at that moment and that's so that's what happened my resentment was completely opposite what I thought it was and it was just about intimacy and pulling my wife to the side and giving her the satisfaction of communicating just me in our and so I'm practicing that the expectation didn't come my name's shelly hi i'm covering alcoholic i wouldn't put myself there yet but um one of the hardest amends that i made my sister actually is five years older and there was um just historically i'm supposed to be the good one right which is kind of funny um but i was good at hiding it anyway so there was a period of time where i was stealing anything I could, doing anything I could to get money. And I stole her wedding set and sold it for like, I don't know, half a gram of something. I mean, it was ridiculous. But what's worse is that I helped her look for it for years. Oh, I did. And I even shared with her who I thought had probably done it. and you know it kept coming up because we'd be talking about something else over the years and i'm sober by then and she's still saying you know i've not talked to her since and i'm thinking oh i can see why you know and and so so i didn't know how much it was it cost i didn'T know what it was worth i knew it was worth more than what i sold it for but so what i decided to do i found a picture of it and I went and had another one made um and that was you know part of the amends I took it to her and humbly said you remember that wedding set that I helped you look for all those years and I explained to her what I had done and and I gave her the rings and she said oh thanks she said you know I hated that wedding scent so she sold it and then I had another resentment but it was fine and we'd actually i think that's probably it was one of those take it to the grave things that i had with with my sister um she's on my list now for another reason but i'm gonna do that next week so that's it does anybody else have an amends they want to share sure yeah come on rodney alcoholic one of the most powerful amends i've made was years ago first time around the program when i had a lot of time and um was with my father and you know my father passed and i was still active i was very drunk you know at his funeral you know just one of the hundreds of thousands of things and you know and to me my dad was a saint I have no problem third step God is our father we're the child because you know because of that I know a lot of people have problems with that but think about if you're a father or your mother how you treat your children but anyway my point that I wanted to make is you know my I was in New York at the time, working in New York. And my dad is buried in Texas. And I made the decision, of course, I was told, you write a letter, you read at gravesite. So I flew from New York to El Paso, Texas, with the objective of going to his gravesite and talking to him. and I sat at my dad's gravesite for two to three hours and I cried and I bared my soul and it's one of the most wonderful experiences I've ever had in my life so you have people that have passed do it, it's fabulous thank you Okay, that's all the time that we have. So we're going to go ahead and close. We're going past the basket. We have one last workshop. Monday night. So I want all of you to get out your phones and put a reminder. It's Monday night! Yeah, we're graduating. It's graduation. yeah so we we like pat said we started this the first second week in january and we are finishing the first week of july i thought we would be done by may i remember i like like we'll be done by may we'll get this done anyway so we if you could in your phones put a reminder in your phone that monday at seven o'clock we are going to have our last workshop myself nancy and pat will all be here we'll talk and share on step 12 um and then that will be the last of it and uh we need to find some and it'll be in the email too by the way i'll sit i'll put that in the mail that goes out is there um anyone here who wanted to bring food for next week for next monday let me see anybody does anyone want anything special barbecue phil's barbecue Phil's barbecue we can do it I'll do it because I live by Phil's BBQ yeah everyone will be here you know everyone will be here at Phil's Barbecue are you guys vegetarian okay they have coleslaw and beans what you guys are vegetarian okay you want to bring a salad okay why don't you bring a solid I'll bring Phil's barbecue yeah all right Phil's barbecue it is thank you Mike you want to bring dessert Shelly thanks all right so we've got dessert salad Phil's barbecue all right we're good to go yeah we need can i get a show of hands of people that can clean up one two thank you and that cleanup mostly in this area just make sure that stuff is off the floors and off the chairs and then the kitchen is clean thank you very much All right, let's pray out.