Making Amends – Awakening Workshop – Part 14 of 18 – Local AA Speakers

Yeah, all right We'll go ahead and get started Welcome back Leigh Ann. Thank you Thanks Leigh-Ann I'm an alcoholic So wow I Guess you guys were the ones that got the email. I hope no one else wants to make amends everyone else likes school amends that's how I felt too alright well welcome back I hope everybody had the opportunity to get through 5, 6 and 7 is there anyone here that was unable to complete 5, 6 and 7 ok that's ok and I'm glad that you guys are here anyway because you have time to do it. It doesn't have to be done right away and like the book talks about if it takes time, just make sure that you just get it done Alright, so anyone have a great experience with Step 5? Yeah, I know Shelly and I just did one today Did anybody have any questions on their fifth step or No? Okay. Well, good. I'm just glad to be back. I welcome all of you back. I'm glad that you all are here. The group is smaller, but that's not going to be how it's going to be next week, right? Everyone's goingto be here next week. But I think it's just because we're coming off this two weeks and I think some people feel a little intimidated if they didn't get their fifth step done. And, you know, kudos to you who didn't get it done and still are here to hear eight and nine. So we're going to do a little recap of six and seven because that was what we left off with. So those of you that were able to get your fifth step done, the questions that were asked to you in your fifth step were hopefully what we found objectionable. And were you able to see what you found objectionable in your sixth step and in your resentment inventories, your sex inventories? and were you able to see that even on your own power, this is the best that you can do, right? By looking at that inventory, like this is Leanne on her power. But if I was on God's power, I wouldn't have the resentment inventory to begin with, right. So this is what it looks like. Oh, here comes everybody. Now our group's filling back up again. All right. So but on my own power. This is what It looks like, right, especially that third column. this is leanne on her power and what it looks like and that i need everybody to behave in my play and how i think life is supposed to be and how people are supposed to act in my life for me to be okay right and it's ridiculous did some of you write up you know when you were writing that third column did you feel kind of ridiculous yeah you're supposed to you know and it is ridiculous because we never actually take a look at it we never dig deep enough to really look and see how we behave or why we even think we need some people to behave a certain way to be okay is ridiculous. You know, why do I think that I need to change this person in order for my life to be, you know, rocketed or for me to feel okay in life is because do I really need these people to be behave a certainly way and we've been told pretty much like you know I can't change you? We know that, but yet we still feel some way like people need to behave a certain way. And then what that does is it enables us to see fears. It enables us to see these fears deep down within ourselves which are really the nature of our defects that fuel that resentment. Were you all able to see that when you did your fifth step? Were you able to see that in the person who was reading you your fifth step, were they able to ask you those questions? Or were you able to see what you found objectionable? Which prepares us for when we go into 6 and 7, it says we look at these things which we find objectionable and we ask God to remove them. Right? So if we did a proper fifth step we were able to say that. So the reason why we ask you what you find objectionible in your fifth step is so that when you go to 6 you're ready and you already know what you've found objectionble under each, in each circumstance and with each resentment inventory sex inventory the fear grid and all that okay and then when ready we say this prayer right now we're in this chapter into action and by the way into action is one chapter that covers five six seven eight nine ten and eleven one chapter that covers seven steps right so step one was it was like a number of chapters that covered one step, and into action is one chapter that covers seven steps. And now we're going to be looking at steps eight and nine, the dreaded eight and ninth, right? I don't know about you, but my experience was I didn't have a problem writing a resentment inventory. As a matter of fact, I couldn't wait for someone to hear my shit. I wanted you to sit and listen. I couldn'T wait to talk about what that what was bothering me but and i didn't realize that i would be humbled in my fifth step as i was writing my fourth step and looking at the realization right because the big book's going to tell us that this is a humbling process and i needed to be humbled that's why we have to look at the realization and we haveと look at these fears and it's humbling to see that i behaved the same way that this person was that in the first column and then And it suddenly becomes not about the person in the first column, it becomes about me. And it becomes me realizing that I am driven by a hundred forms of fear that fuel resentment within me, you know, that make me...that are the nature of my defects, right? We don't write a list. There's nowhere in the big book that says we write a lists of our character defects. It doesn't say that because if I make a list of my character defects, I'm going to think that I can work on them, right, and that's something I can't do. We have been driving that. The big book has been driving that into us that we are beyond human aid and I'm a human so I can't work on things that are internal or emotional. God needs to cast those out and it begins to tell us that on the very first page of Into Action. It says now these are about to be cast out, right? And no therapist has ever been able to cast anything out of me. Neither has my sponsor or myself or my husband or anybody in the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous or out of the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous been able to ever cast anything out of me, right? But only a power much greater than myself is able to do that. And that's why when we go into 6 and 7, you know, when we're ready, we say a prayer something like this, right, just to pray like this. Not to pray this exact words, although a lot of us do, but to pray Like This. God wants to hear what I have to say and how I feel, not about what I've memorized. And I'm not bashing anybody on memorized prayers. I think memorized prayers are great and fine, and we say them and we do them in this program. But when I'm in that seventh step and I'm saying that prayer, I'm really talking to God and saying, you know, I'm now ready for you to remove this from me because I want you to move the things that block me from doing your will and from being of service to my fellows, being of surface to people in and out of the rooms and being of services to my creator. And just remove those things that are blocking me. I don't know what they are. I don' t know what it is. You know, God, what they block me. You know what I need to keep and what I don''t need to kee. I don ''t have any power over what you''re going to remove from me, what you'r not going to move from me. I just know that I need you to remove these things from me that block me from you because that''s what we''re doing this whole time as we'' re trying to gain a relationship. It says in the beginning page of Into Action, having made our personal inventory, what shall we do about it? We have been trying to get a new attitude, a new relationship with our creator and to discover obstacles in our past. It doesn't say that we have been tried to stay sober. it says we've been trying to gain i can't tell you it just reiterates it over and over and over again but yes part of it is about not drinking because it later says if we don't if we skip this vital step we may not overcome drinking but the bottom line is that we're trying to gain a relationship with god you know with our creator and so that prepares us and after we've gone into six and seven now that prepares this because there is what does it say more action more action always more action and these are action steps because now here it's always just involved myself my sponsor and my God and now I have to get other people involved Oh brother can't I just be a living amends can't i just you know be you know I'm just not drinking out everybody should just appreciate that aren't they can't they see how great I am now you know and honestly that's been my experience and that was my attitude I didn't think that I needed to really I didn' want to make amends let's put it that way I just hate waking sleeping giants that's kind of how I looked at it but I literally had people like you know waiting like I know what step comes next and no I'm waiting you know Siri like I I honestly had people late you know you know you made all these amends to all these other people my I know my turns coming up here pretty soon so um i i this is that was this is a step that's extremely important and as mark houston says how free do you want to be and so before we uh before we go into that let's all welcome nancy back yay so nancy's going to cover the first part of eight and nine and then i'm gonna do the second part of eighth and ninth and we're going to go over how to make amends and stuff but before we do, let's do a five-minute meditation after we say the third step prayer. So, God, I offer myself to thee to build with me and to do with me as thou wilt. Relieve me of the bondage of self that I may better do thy will. Take away my difficulties that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help. Thy power, thy love, and thy way of life. May I do thy will always. Can I get someone to hit those lights over there? Gosh, everyone showed up. Okay, this is great. This is much better than it was ten minutes ago. Okay, so I'm going to get those lights. Okay, Nancy, four zeros. Awesome. Hi everybody, I'm Nancy, recovered addict alcoholic. Oh, it's good to be here. I thank God that I've been healed enough to be able to come. I missed you guys. Okay, page 76 of the big book. Gee, now we need more action. and by the way leanne that was great thank you now we need more action without which we find that faith without works is dead and they use that several times in the book you know and what does that mean it means that that we're we're growing in this new relationship with our creator and we're being directed by that power to do these steps, especially now in 8 and 9. For me, I found that God showed up very powerfully in 8 and 9 for me. Some pretty amazing things happened that I didn't even notice that it was God at the time until a little bit later on, a couple hours later after the event had happened. And I was like, whoa. It was like God put his hand on my heart and said, why don't you sit down and think about this? It's like, wow, okay. Okay, so we're going to look at steps eight and nine, right? And they're in italics. We've listed... We have a list of all persons we've harmed and to whom we are willing to make amends. We made it when we took inventory, we subjected ourselves to a drastic self-appraisal, now we go out to our fellows and repair the damage done in the past. We attempt to sweep away the debris which has accumulated from where? From us. We did it. We behaved in the way we did, living on self-will and running the show ourselves. and the big books calling that debris you know I don't have big your piles of debris were but mine took a while and at ten years of sobriety I had 23 more of them some of which were from before that I hadn't done because I was afraid to approach that person. I was afraid of them. I was afraid what might happen and it took a while for me to, you know, be able to let go of that fear and step out and make that effort to do that. Amen. Okay, so see remember it was agreed at the beginning we would go to any length for victory over alcohol. Back on page 58 it says if you have decided you want what we have and are willing to go to any length to get it then you are ready to take certain steps so they're referring to having taken your third step as the beginning of this process we signed it right everyone sign it you sign page 58 after okay probably there is still some misgivings anybody have some miss give miss givings about the amends they're gonna there they might have to make all right as we look over the list of business acquaintances and friends we have hurt we may feel diffident about going to some of them on a spiritual basis what do I have here a little note so go through the entire list once you've made it pausing in prayer at each one asking am i willing to do what each person or institution asks to right this wrong and I really wasn't tremendously willing to make that IRS amend which took some years took a few years okay so let us be reassured to some people we need not and probably should not emphasize the spiritual feature on our first approach. We might prejudice them. At the moment, we are trying to put our lives in order, but this is not an end in itself. Our real purpose is to fit ourselves to be of maximum service to God and the people about us. It's seldom wise to approach an individual who still smarts from an injustice our injustice to him or her and announce that we've gone religious right i mean it's kind of stupid to do that yeah and so they're they're warning us in the prize ring this would be called leading with the chin why lay ourselves open to being branded fanatics or religious boars we may kill a future opportunity to carry a beneficial message but our man or woman is sure to be impressed with a sincere desire to set right the wrong he's going to be more interested in a demonstration of goodwill than where we're at spiritually right it's like we we harmed people and we need to get real about what that harm is And the spiritual approach is to go to them. That's what's being spiritual, is to be responsible for cleaning up the mess and the harm we've caused other people. And sometimes... Yeah? I have something to interrupt you. We probably should not emphasize the spiritual feature on our first approach. I just don't understand what that means, the spiritual future. Well, we don't want to say, oh my gosh, I'm in this 12-step program and I've been rocketed into a fourth dimension of existence that, you know, I can't even tell you how great it is. And here's the $2,000 I stole from you. They'll take the money but they're going to think we're off our rocker. So you know, just going to someone is spiritual in its nature because we're becoming responsible and taking care of what we need to take care of to live a clean and healthy life. Healthy being not having skeletons in the closet that you know we're so afraid they're They're going to jump out and get us, right? Those are amends we haven't made yet. It's okay. You don't have to make them all all at once. You do one at a time, and God will direct you as to which one when. So we'll get into that as we go along. Did I answer your question? Yes. Okay. I kind of wondered why they put first approach. but you know i had to call some people more than once and ask to do that and had various responses you know I had one one gal say oh that would be great you know come on over at whatever I owed her husband and her and a man and she cancelled she said he doesn't want to even see you we don't want anything to do with you we don' t care what you have to say I'm like oh that's very spiritual then I got a resentment and you know what happens after that so you know and I had some people just did not allow me to make an amend to them. And some of, you know I have like over 200 examples so we're not going to go into that right now. Alright the prize ring, we don't want to be branded as fanatics or religious boars. We make I finished that. We don't use this as an excuse for shying away from the subject of God when it will serve any good purpose. We are willing to announce our convictions with tact and common sense. The question of how to approach the man we hated will arise. Okay, this paragraph talks about people we hate. We have a strong feeling of displeasure toward. They've interfered with us. It may be he has done us more harm than we've done him, and though we may have acquired a better attitude toward him we're still not too keen about admitting our faults nevertheless with the person we dislike we take the bit in our teeth it's harder to go to an enemy than a friend but we but we find it much more beneficial to us why because we're overcoming the fear of making that amend you know i was afraid as i said afraid to make some amends I did them anyway. One of them, I took a friend of mine who's tall, Irish, and fit, and I took him with me to make this amend because I didn't know what the response was going to be, even though I set it up to happen in a public place. okay though we may have acquired a better attitude toward him we are still not too keen about admitting our faults nevertheless with a person we dislike okay sorry i'm repeating myself um we go to him in a helpful and forgiving spirit and if there's someone that you've hated and you're going to make an amend you might sit with that with God to develop a helpful and forgiving spirit before you go confessing our former ill feeling and expressing our regret when they say confessing our former illness or ill feeling we don't go to the person and say you know I thought you were a real asshole you know all that shit you did I was just obsessed with steering clear of you, you're such a jerk no that's not what they mean they mean what you've seen in your work when you realized right when the wave came over you and you realized wow I owe this person an amend right it's it's when you see your your fear that's driving your delusions around that person that's creating selfish um hateful thoughts and the self-seeking you're bad mouthing them to somebody else you know all that stuff is your your former ill feeling but it's when you get to see oh this has nothing to do with this person it's all about me and where my attitude was that made me behave in the self-seeking way I did right and then the light comes on and we go okay they're on my eight step list so you go to them with this forgiving and helpful spirit of you know when I did that to you I was so full of self that I didn't even consider how my actions were affecting you and I'm really sorry for being inconsiderate or you know whatever it was you did I found a lot of mine were about that selfishness coming from that's you know selfish thoughts are thoughts all about me and what I want and how I'm going to get it and it and precludes any idea of how you're acting toward that person whoever it may be or that group of people. I don't know about you, but I had a lot of that the first couple times I wrote inventory. I was like, whoa, where was I at when I did that? Well, it was where I was at. It was full of self, driven by a hundred forms of fear, self-delusion, self seeking. We step on the toes of our fellows, right? It's just in that order, the same order that it is in your back page of your resentment inventory. Okay, under no condition do we criticize such a person or argue. Simply we tell him we'll never get over drinking until we've done our utmost to straighten out the past. We're there to sweep off our side of the street realizing nothing worthwhile can be accomplished until we do so, never trying to tell him what he should do his faults are not discussed we stick to our own if our manner is calm here's another prayer calm frank and open we will be gratified with the results um you know talk with your sponsor about your amends you don't necessarily have to announce that you're there to sweep off your side of the street. That's just a term that's used in the rooms. You can tell them how important it is to be able to make that amend and thank them for taking the time that they take to allow you to make that amend I did a lot of that with people because well there's lots of approaches we'll get to that yeah we're kind of just beginning and I have two more pages to cover how am i doing great okay in nine cases out of ten the unexpected happens sometimes the man were calling upon admits his own fault so feuds of years standing melt away in an hour and it's just so cool when that happens rarely do we fail to make satisfactory progress our former enemies sometimes praise what we're doing and wish us well occasionally they will offer assistance it should not matter however if someone does throw us out of his office we've made our demonstration done our part its water over the dam. Most alcoholics owe money. Ugh, really? Imagine that. We don't dodge our creditors telling them what we are trying to do. We make no bones about our drinking. They usually know it anyway, whether we think so or not. Nor are we afraid of disclosing our alcoholism on the theory it may cause financial harm. Approached in this way the most ruthless creditor will sometimes surprise us. Arranging the best deal we can, we let these people know we're sorry. Our drinking has made us slow to pay. We must lose our fear of creditors no matter how far we have to go, for we're liable to drink if we're afraid to face them. And there's that fear thing again. Some of us have committed a criminal offense. Anybody in here commit a criminal offence that you had to deal with? We may be short in our accounts and unable to make good. We've already admitted this in confidence to another person, but we're sure we would be imprisoned or lose our job if it were known. Maybe it's only a petty offense such as padding the expense account. Most of us have done that sort of thing. I was never in the situation to do that myself. maybe we are divorced or have broken relationships marriages they're going to talk specifically about marriages but haven't kept the alimony to number one she's indignant about it really I wonder why and has a warrant out for our arrest that's a common form of trouble too although these repartations take innumerable forms there are some general principles which we find guiding reminding ourselves that we've decided to go to any lengths to find a spiritual experience right there it is again we ask that we be given strength and direction to do the right thing another prayer no matter what the personal consequences may be we may lose our position or reputation or face jail but we're willing we have to be we must not shrink at anything usually however other people are involved therefore we are not to be the hasty and foolish martyr who would needlessly sacrifice others to save himself from the alcoholic pit a man we know had remarried because of resentment and drinking he had not paid alimony to his first wife she was furious she went to court and got an order for his arrest he had commenced our way of life had secured a position and was getting his head above water. It would have been impressive heroics if he had walked up to the judge and said, here I am. We thought he ought to be willing to do that if necessary but if he were in jail he could provide nothing for either family so we suggested he write his first wife admitting his faults and asking forgiveness. Sure enough that worked. He did and also sent a small amount of money. He told her that he would try to do it in the future. He said he was perfectly willing to go to jail if she insisted. Of course, he did not. And the whole situation has long since been adjusted. Before taking drastic action which might implicate other people, we secure their consent. I made an amend to a guy And I wanted to, I asked him if the phone number I had for his ex-wife was the right one. And he was like, you're not going to tell her? I said, no, I'm not goingto tell her. You know, people get unnerved about this kind of thing. And they have secrets that they don't want other people to know that, you know, it's possibly the subject that you're amending with that person. So this brings to mind a story about one of our friends. While drinking, he accepted a sum of money from a bitterly hated business rival, giving him no receipt for it. He subsequently denied having received the money and used the incident as basis for discrediting the man. He thus used his own wrongdoing as a means of destroying the reputation of another. In fact, his rival was ruined. He felt that he had done a wrong he could not possibly right. If he opened that old affair, he was afraid it would destroy the reputation or reputation of his partner, disgrace his family, and take away his means of livelihood. What right had he to involve those dependent upon him? How could he possibly make a public statement exonerating his rival? After consulting his wife and partner, he came to the conclusion it was better to take those risks than to stand before his creator guilty of such ruinous slander. He saw that he had to place the outcome in God's hands or he would soon start drinking again and all would be lost anyhow. He attended church for the first time in many years and after the sermon he quietly got up and made an explanation his action meant widespread approval today he is one of the most trusted citizens of his town this all happened years ago and before I turn it over to Leanne I want to tell a story about the IRS this woman came to my home in my little cottage in Napa Valley and we sat down and talked about the things I needed to support myself and one of them was I was giving my daughter $500 a month I was a year and a half sober and you know I wasn't there for my daughter she ended up in foster care and got clean and sober at 15 1⁄2. And so here I was in a position to give her some money at least, right? I didn't know about the amend process or how that could possibly happen, but I was at least doing that. And the IRS lady said, no, you can't. We're going to take that money because she's over 21. fun. I was fuming, I think you could have fried an egg on my head. So several years later when I was about to move to San Diego from Santa Rosa, I went to the IRS to get the release of liens against me to present to the mortgage company that was going to cover the cost of this new home I was buying. And the lady, right, is out of their little headquarters in Napa so I'm in Santa Rosa going to the IRS and the gal that came up to help me said, I'm sorry everybody's in a meeting you know nobody's here to look that up for you, but let me see what I can do." She goes back in the back and a few minutes later who comes out? The lady from Napa. And she has a big smile, she's super friendly and asks how my daughter is and how am I doing and it was really nice to see me and I was looking really good, and here are the papers you requested. Have a good life." I was dumbfounded. I walked out of the courthouse, I'm like, wow God, that was really cool. It's like she made an amend to me. Totally unexpected. So, cool stuff happens that, you know we don't know I'm gonna read through the first on page 81 in your workbook step 8 and 9 into action chapter 6 instructions do each of these following instructions in order okay everybody with me a look through your entire fourth step and any notes that you made and your fifth and sixth step regarding harms you're aware of and make a list right and don't think it to death just make the list. God's in charge now, so make your list. It may turn out that every name or institution that you write down doesn't require an amend but you'll find that out when you go through them and take each one to meditation and talk with your sponsor about whether you actually even owe an amend sometimes we're so selfish and in our relationship with someone but we didn't actually harm them because there wasn't much self-seeking going on and we don't owe them an amend were we selfish yes have we learned how we are when we're selfish hopefully okay all right so uh so make your list pray and ask God to show you any any more names that need to be on the list you'll know when the list is done and I love how Dan says that at various steps in the workbook you know like in step four you're gonna know when everyone is on your step four list that needs to be on there and on your sex inventory list right you're going to know yeah this is it okay take B take the names from the list and write each on a separate 3 by 5 index card I used five by seven sides and they were super bright colors okay and include the name address and phone number and it gives an example right here in the middle of this page and write the exact nature of the wrong that you're aware of on the card and that's where the answer to the prayer that you are going to say I know I harmed this person let me look at how I acted how did I what did I do toward this person real or imagined that harmed them Right? How did I act? Try to re-envision the situation, the scene of when you were resentful toward them. Okay. If you're not clear on the harm right, ask. Right? And, of course, you're going to ask God and your sponsor and discuss it. Sometimes I have my sponsees write a letter to that person as though they were making an amend, and that sometimes helps you figure out what harm you actually caused them. For this one gal, I had like five different sheets because each sheet, I'm like, no that isn't quite right okay God what am I going to say to this person and then write another one no that didn't feel right and you just keep going until you've sorted out and you'll know within yourself when the amend takes shape and that that's in fact what you need to go clean up okay and um see take each amends card one at a time into meditation picture yourself going i kind of already said this picture yourself go into that person or institution ask yourself am i willing to do whatever this person asks me to set right this wrong if you're willing to make amends write a plus and if you are unwilling write a minus and don't be full of shame if it's minus you're just not there with it it's okay divide your main cards into separate piles local willing or unwilling out-of-state willing or unwilling and then need to find willing unwilling so there's six different piles you want to make okay D when all the cards are completed review them with your step guide consider each amend is this really harm are there others involved who may get hurt that I should be aware of you know it's this is a step aid is quite a process of sorting through all of this getting really clear on the harm you caused and what you're going to tell them how you're gonna going to approach them what are you gonna say wow I was so loaded I didn't know how I acted until I got into this 12-step program and started doing some work and looking within and oh my gosh I am so sorry for whatever are there any questions about all this stuff that that we've covered Vinnie with a lot of the guys I've talked to, including myself, was gossip, shun, and avoidance, basically. So gossip, Shun, And Avoidance. So how would you explain to go about this? Gossip, Shunn, And Avoidence with who? Whoever. Oh, who you were sent for. Yeah. Some harms are very clear, and some harms are just kind of... You know what I mean? Well, if I've gossiped about someone to someone else, it's the someone else I owe the amend to, not the person I gossiped about. Right? Again, you don't go and say, God, I was thinking all this really crappy shit about you in my head. I kept telling all that stuff and I kept coming up with it to this other person. No. No, you owe the amend to the person you gossiped to. Avoidance, like icing somebody out, completely avoiding them, not speaking, not saying hello. Well, you go to them and you say, you know, I've been avoiding talking to you and saying hello when we used to be great friends. And I was in so much fear about whatever that is that I was afraid to talk to you face-to-face about anything, the weather or your family or whatever. and so I avoided you and what else would you say well if you just say I was in so much fear about something that I'd made up in my head, you could say that that I stopped talking to you and I realized that it wasn't even real you came to a realization yeah that delusion you came to a realisation and you know what can I do to set this right Leanne's going to go into those questions that are really important and what was the other one gossip avoidance shun Nancy yes can you cover in a little more detail how you need to be careful not to harm others because for example in my own case I was going to make yeah yes if I gossip about somebody it can hurt that person if they know about it even if they don't even if like if I say something like oh that guy here you don't allow them in your house they don't steal or something like that which is true and I don't know yeah but you haven't intentionally that you haven't heard that other person say don't know about it so you know it says except when to do so would injure them or others like all of a sudden you're gonna say hey I was gossiping about you that could injure by they didn't even know you know that there was but like like Nancy said that amends needs to be made to the person you were gossiping to him sorry for talking about this person that's where the amends needs to be made to the person who gossiped to and unless they heard about it now now unless they heard that you were gossiping then yeah you owe them an event but they didn't hear that you're gossiping yeah and you may get a sense of if they business-wise yeah well if And the other thing is, what was the other one? Oh, yeah. Like avoiding people. I avoid either people that I avoid and I just say, I just don't want nothing to do with them. You're ungodly. You're a heroine. Each individual circumstance needs to be looked at. They're not like a one-set rule for avoiding people like you may have good reason to avoid someone maybe they're still using or maybe they're like you said they're just not living the life speed there's nothing wrong with that and if you can set boundaries that's okay to set boundaries by avoiding people by setting boundaries but I think what what Vinnie was talking about was deliberately avoiding somebody because I don't know you don't like them or whatever or like during the delusion that that in some kind of delusion that maybe that you know like a family number like you're avoiding a family member one way there should be some family unity you know what I mean and if you get to where you're confused about any of your men's you can call us or talk to us after the meeting we have three more weeks yeah so it you know if there's any question and and it doesn't come up until after the workshop is over you know our phone numbers are listed and there's help if you don't get to the answers you're looking for okay thank you yes let me get to that I'll give you guys play hopefully I can get through this fast enough that we have enough time that we can have um time for some questions but let me let me just get through the rest of this chapter and then um hopefully i can answer some of those questions and if i can't then we'll talk about those for sure all right so um the list where do we get the list from the list comes from we start with our resentment inventory under the harm not everybody do that we've harmed like nancy was talking about is going to end up on our on our list and this is an on an individual basis we have to look at this are there going to be people that i didn't write an inventory on that i own amends to yeah how about the person i stole from i don't have a resentment with them there was never an inventory written on the person that i stole from because i'm not resentful at them but do i owe an amends right so outside so the big book is clear it says we start with our our resentment inventory and our sex and that's where we start but that now we have to look outside the inventory and see if there's any other amends that are due to people that aren't anywhere in my inventory you know people I stole from people I wronged you know that I don't necessarily have a resentment with but people that owe an amends from from me so that's that's where we get that list from so we look outside our inventory right and I also want to reiterate something that it talks about this can we you know we made a commitment back on those of you that were here in the beginning of this um of this uh workshop i had you turn to page 58 do you guys remember that we went and then i said are you willing to go to any links right are you going to go to any lengths and i had to sign that that paragraph um after right after that sentence it said then you are ready to take certain steps and you guys all sign notes sign that and this is this is that the reason why is that the book brings this up is because this too this is one of the harder steps to do especially there's a difference between step eight and step nine step nine makes a noise and it sounds like this i have to make contact with somebody it's easy step eight is only making the list that's easy i have no problem making a list now like i said i have go wake sleeping giants now i have to go out to those people that i harmed and admit that i'm wrong humbling this is a truly humbling experience and how free do i want to be uh nancy left pages um 80 through 84 for me and unfortunately it talks about page 80 about the person that you know having an affair and um i'm going to share with you an amends that i had to make it was probably the hardest amends I've ever, ever had to make in my life. And when I was working, I actually was working for a Christian unified... I shouldn't say this on tape. I was working for a very conservative Christian school that where I had, you know, as a coach, I was coaching cross country for junior high school and high school students. And in these private schools, especially if they're private Christian schools, you have to sign a contract that you have to live morally, right? It's just part of it, okay? I signed a contract saying that I would uplive a moral life and I wasn't going to be cheating on my husband or doing anything like that. Bottom line was that I had to live a moral wife. If I was single, then I'm not going to be living in sin with somebody else, right. And I signed this. I agreed to it, right, I agreed all this. And four years sober, those of you that know my story know that I moved out and I moved down and there was somebody else involved and the church found out and they had to let me go and it would and it put the church it put this school in a very compromised I mean the athletic director was a gut was a man a married man and the other at the junior high school you know and they have to let this woman go because of her her behavior because my behavior it was embarrassing it was hard it was probably harder for them to have to do this and I didn't see that I needed in them I thought you know what it's what's done is done I'm out of there and I had to make an amends to the school because I left that I left these kids without a coach and I remember having me I remember I filled out my cards just like what we do I put the put the athletic director's names in that first, and I remember to this day, I can remember vividly pulling my car up to the school. And that walk, you know, I called and made the appointment. I said, you know, is it okay if I come and meet with you? I need to talk to you about something. And he said yes. And so it's hard, you Know, being a woman and having to make an amends to a man about a situation. It's just really, it was really difficult, at least for me. But I remember that when I walked, that walk was the longest walk I ever took in my life. And I sat in his office and I told myself I wasn't going to cry. And of course, of course I broke down and I said, you know, I'm, you know, it's not about an apology. Making these amends is not about saying sorry. I say sorry to someone that I bump into in the grocery store, right? This is, I have to mend this situation and um and after after these after my behavior was was broken off and i was working this program and iwas living a more conducive life you know to what would be morally right and i changed my way um and i sat in this man's office and i went to him and i said you know i basically made an amends and i'm sorry for putting you in this position and leaving these kids without a coach. And you know, never have I felt more forgiven and love from anybody in my life than I did at that moment. And that freedom that came from that amends that I knew. I'd waited a year before I made that ammends and nothing had been more freeing and more, I'd never felt more forgiven in my life. And then I was thinking, oh, my God, they're going to ask me to coach again. But I didn't want to go there, and it wasn't about me getting my job back. I didn'T want that job. Not that I didn' t want the job back, but that was not my purpose there, and they knew that wasn' t my purpose. My purpose there was to mend a broken situation. It wasn' T there to go and make an apology. It was there to mend a broken situation and to make the wrongs right again. And it was great, you know, and I could go to soccer games after that and have the athletic director come up and talk to me. And, you Know, we're human, and we make mistakes. And, You know, the one thing that he told me, the ground is level at the foot of the cross, and forgive you. You know? It was beautiful. So some of the worst and most terrifying amends could come out to be some of the most wonderful situations. So on page 83, it's going to talk about on page 82, the alcoholic is like a tornado roaring his way through the lives of others. I love this paragraph because this was me. And by the way, nothing is harder than, I wish that my excuse for my issues back then was because I was drinking but I was doing this as an untreated I was acting crazier as an Untreated Alcoholic than I ever was when I was Drinking and this is a perfect example of I was a perfect Example of Untreated Alcoholism my first four years of being Sober. I was living a crazy life I was thinking just because I wasn't Drinking that everything that I was Doing was okay because I thought I could just run my life and I hated everybody I hated my husband, I hated my life. I thought that I needed someone out here to fix me in here and what I needed was something new and that just wasn't so and that was an example of me running my own life. Self-reliance had failed me and probably would have led me to drink and I wasn't drinking but I was living like I needed a drink and it's just a perfect example of just you can still be sick and sober right and i was sick and sober for four years um so the alcoholic is like a tornado roaring his way through the lives of others hearts are broken sweet relationships or dead affections have been uprooted selfish and inconsiderate habits have kept the home in turmoil drunk and sober we feel a man or a woman is unthinking when he or she says sobriety is enough and that was my attitude. I'm sober, you guys should worship the ground that I walk on because I am not drinking anymore and you can't get on me for any more shit, right? I'm not drinking so is it, right, we talked about this in the beginning, just removing the alcohol is not the ultimate all-end solution like I thought it was because that's what I learned. He is like the farmer who came up out of the cyclone cellar to find his home ruined to his wife he remarked don't see anything the matter here ma ain't it grand the wind stopped blowing kind of like my attitude like like look I'm sober isn't it I don't need to like do anything I'm guys I'm perfect now right that was my attitude and I didn't think that I want I thought that when I had heard in meetings that people made a living amends I thought that's what I'm gonna be I'm just gonna be a living amend that's I don' t need to make amends I'm just going to be a living in amends and it wasn't until I started doing the work this way that I saw that I needed to make amends in areas where I really harmed people and to this day, I have made well, I've got one left. Complete amends I've only got one more left and it's a financial amends to a friend but all my amends are done with the exception of one and that one is going to come pretty soon and that's an easy one. All right. Yes, there is a long period of reconstruction ahead. We must take the lead. A remorseful mumbling that we are sorry won't fill the bill. And I'm going to cover that a little bit thoroughly in how we make amends, right? Just by saying I'm sorry, right, a simple apology is not what this is about. This is not about making an apology. It's about making amends. The last four letters of amends is mend, just to make this better. We ought to sit down with the family and frankly analyze the past, as we now see it, being very careful not to criticize them. This is about me cleaning my side of the street. This isn't about me, like Nancy said, starting off your amends like, you are such a jerk, but I want you to know that this isn't anything about them. This is no matter if I'm 1% to blame and they are 99% to claim, this is me cleaning My Side of the Street. i have to make this right it's not this is not a blame game situation it's not like you're more at fault than i am right i have to see where i'm at fault hopefully i was able to see that in a lot of the resentment inventories or the inventories that i had filled out that i have done you know could i see my part in this and we're going to talk about whether you need to make amends like we don't want to be going out making stupid amends you know like like like nancy said or like someone said like you know by the way i just want you to know i was gossiping about you and you know like like why would i go and and tell somebody something that they you know they were never hurt by me to begin with you know what like she said i make the amends to the person person i was gossipping to their defects may be glaring but the chances are that our own actions are partly responsible it's not saying solely responsible is saying partly am i partly to blame no matter what my part is one percent or ninety nine percent so we clean house with a family asking each morning in meditation that our creators show us the way of patience tolerance kindliness and love this spiritual life why does it talk about a spiritual life in eight and nine because this is a spiritual program of action and the spiritual life is not a theory here we go in italics, we have to live it. I have to live this on a daily basis. That's why in step 10, which we'll get into next week, I constantly go and see where I was wrong and make an amends or actually maybe just make an apology because sometimes if there's not too much water under the bridge, it might just be an apology is all I owe. All right? Unless one family expresses a desire to live upon spiritual principles, we think we ought not to urge them. We should not talk insistently to them about spiritual matters they will change in time by the way I'm not here to be God's defense attorney I'm here to be a witness I'm hier to be an example right I don't need to be by the I have you know Jesus and you need to get Jesus to your you know I we don't come and approach people like that and I think that's what the book is talking about we don t come as holy rollers whether you are that way or not you know i don't think that that's where I don t think that our Creator wants us to be his defense attorney. We need to be an example of what God wants us to be. Let's be a beacon of light, the salt and the light of the earth is what we need to do. All right? They will change in time. Beware... Let's see, where was I? They'll change in time. Our behavior will convince them more than other words. We must remember that 10 or 20 years of drunkenness would make a skeptic of anyone. How many times did I say, or how many times did I quit drinking? And each time was, you know. And then it's like, of course they're skeptical. They become a little gun-shy each time that I tell them I'm sober this time. There may be some wrongs that can never fully right. We don't worry about them if we can honestly say to ourselves that we would write them if we could. And what are those situations? Like, I can't fully write someone that's not here any longer. My cousin died of multiple myeloma many years ago and I know an amends to her, but the best I could do is to write a letter. And it says right here, we send them an honest letter and there may be a valid reason for postponement in some cases, but don't delay it. It can be avoided. We should be sensible, tactful, considerate, humble without being servile or scraping as God's people, as whose people? Okay, I just want making sure. I mean, your big book says that too? Okay, just making sure that we stand on our feet. We don't crawl before anybody, all right? We don'T crawl before everybody and certain situations nowadays there's really no excuse not to make amends. We have Skype. You don't have to wait. You can make a face-to-face amends via Skype today. I think if they would have had Skype back in the 30s and 40s they would've said Skype the person in Miami You know, Skype the person in London if you need to make an amends. You don't need to wait until you can get to London or Miami or New York or wherever it is. You can do it now. There's no reason why we can't make it now, we can make those amends now. All right, so now we all know that these promises, why is it these promises come at steps eight and nine? When you make your first amends, I promise you'll start feeling these, I promise, you'll feel the promises. They'll begin to be active in your life. If we were painstaking about this phase of our development, because these promises came true for me for drinking. Right? If I was painstacking about this phrase of my development, I'd be amazed before I have halfway through. When drinking, I didn't regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it. When drinking I comprehend the word serenity and I need peace. When drinking no matter how far down the scale I've gone, we see how our experience can benefit others. Right? When I was drinking I could always figure out your problems. When drinking that feeling of uselessness and self-pity will disappear. And I think that's also mentioned in when we were going through the Idiot's Guide. It's also in there, but it became a lie. But it becomes the truth again at 8 and 9, right? Without alcohol in our lives. So now these things, no matter how far down the scale I've gone, I see how my experience can benefit others. I start working with others, right. That feeling of uselessness and self-pity disappears. I'm all of a sudden being useful. I'm being able to share my experience in the meeting. I'm useful. I'm being able to share my experience with another alcoholic. I'm Being Able To Help People Outside The Program. We Will Lose Interest In Selfish Things And Gain Interest In Our Fellows, Right? This Is A Selfless Program. Anytime You Sit In A Meeting And You Hear Someone Say This Is a Selfish Program, That Person Has No Fucking Idea What They're Talking About. Because How Many Times Does It Tell Us That We Need To Be Rid of Selfishness, Self-Centerness, Self-Seeking, Right, The Whole Book, That's All we're trying self-reliance fails me how could this be a selfish program so be you know let's smash some of those i we need to smash those ideas of people telling us that this is the selfish program it is selfless i don't get paid this me and nancy and pat do not get paid to be here we do this out of the selflessness in art because we want to share an experience we want to see you have an experience through this work you know we i see people like vinnie and pat and people that have done this work so many times and working with us, I mean, and a lot of you are already working with others. This is selfless. It's not selfish. I don't feel like I'm doing this so I can get something from you. You know, I don' t do, I I mean I don t know about if that s how, if that s the attitude that you re going into with this, well then, you know, God, I pray for you that it won t be that way because this is, this is not about being selfish. It s about, it s about self-seeking will slip away. Our whole attitude and outlook upon life changes. My whole attitude and outlook upon Alcoholics Anonymous changed when I went through the work this way, and I started making amends. Fear of people and economic insecurity left me. I intuitively knew how to handle situations that used to baffle me. And that intuitiveness is God speaking through me and being able to be open-minded enough and take the cotton out of my ears to listen to God in prayer and not just to be talking to God all the time but to listen for God. To listen to that moment of meditation and silence. and I suddenly realized that God was doing for me what he couldn't do for what he could not do for ourselves so can I use your yeah probably doing on time okay, I'm going to spend about five more minutes talking about how to make amends yeah, okay so if we look at, it's page 88 right? oh 80 81 if you turn to page 81 how many of you brought 3x5 cards or 5x7 cards? Okay, great. This is such a great way to put your list together because they're on individual cards and each time that you make an amends you can put one aside. Like Nancy talked about, you put the person or the institution in the right in the upper left corner you put an address or phone number or whatever it is that you need and then you list the harm or harms that you're aware of and then write a little plus or minus am I willing to make this amends or my not willing does anyone have any not willing okay so they put a little minus there and does anyone to have like and then you put local and not local all right so how I like to how my sponsor showed me to do this is to start with the easiest ones where I'm willing in their local start with willing and local start with easiest ones like my kids and to me my kids were the easiest one's to start off with and and you know I sat down with them and then you know write their names I didn't obviously need to write their address come on you know but if they're or their phone numbers you don't have to if they live in the same household it's ridiculous come on so but if it's somebody that you need to go out and look for then yeah definitely if there's like if you don'T KNOW HOW TO CONTACT A PERSON YOU CAN FIND PEOPLE TODAY LIKE YOU CAN FIND ANYONE TODAY SERIOUSLY YOU DON'T NEED TO HIRE A PRIVATE investigator you can you can do it on your own it's really easy and and if you can't even if you can find that person you can write a letter to that person and I my first sponsor she said that she had a letter in her glove compartment for years because she couldn't find this person and like after like I don't know 10 years she mysteriously ran into this person and she still I don t think it was the same I don d think she had the same car for 10 years but anyway she had that she still had the letter. She still had the letter on her and she gave that letter to that person when she ran into them. So you have to ask yourself, are you willing to make that amends? And if you are and you can't find that person, write a letter. Write a letter to that person. Alright. So I start off with local willing on my top and then local and then unlocal willing. And then I go to local unwilling not local not willing as my last one so I start with the easiest and I go to the hardest you can do it however you want you can start off with the hardest ones if you want some people like to do that like like some of you that when your fifth step you went straight to take it to the grave some ofyou waited to be that that was the last thing that you shared so it didn't matter there's no rhyme there's no rule this is you have to do it a certain way but for me this was my experience it was the easiest thing to start off what the easiest amends to make and here's how an amends should look. And it's really easy. It's clearly written out here. It says to make the approach, always make the amends face-to-face or gravesite. And face-To-face, I believe, this is my personal opinion, includes Skype and FaceTime. All right? If it is not possible to do a face-TO-face then use a phone call or letter. All Right? If the person doesn't have FaceTime, I called the person in Fort Worth that I owe an amends to, all right? And here's what you do. So here's, here's What you say to them. Because remember, this is not about just making an apology. This is about making an ammends and to make it right. This is why I'm here. So this is what you say. This Is why I mean, it doesn't have to be this scripted. So don't feel like you know, you have to say exactly everything, you know that that that this says this is so I just want you to know that I'm here because I know that I've done you wrong and here's what I'm clear on that I've gone. I personally would try not to bring the card and read it off, but if you have to, you might need to. And you read the amends that you're clear on. There may be a whole bunch of them. I treated you this way. I was sorry for punching you in the face. I don't know. Whatever the amends may be um i'm sorry for stealing money from you um insulting you right i did that to somebody i think that my worst amends were the ones i did when i was sober you know i i insulted someone on facebook i told her that she was you know crazy and to stop sending me all these fucking insane emails all the time and that she's she's crazy and i didn't talk to her for a number of years and that was also a really hard amends to make because when you when you do shit when you're sober it's so hard to have to go make amends because i don't have an excuse like sorry i was drunk people go okay you know for some reason it's easier to ask for forgiveness when you're drunk and they know you're sobre then when you're sore and you do stupid shit you know really stupid shit. Is there any other harm that I'm not aware of? Now, when I'm in that room with that person and I'm making that amends with that person, and every situation and person is going to be different. And when I m sitting in that r oom, like, I had to make an amends to my ex-husband before he passed. He passed away about five, four years ago of cirrhosis. But I had to make an amends to him and the only, and I'm glad that I didn't wait to see him in Denver to go out there. I made it over the phone with him and we talked over the phone for a long time and I said is there anything else that I'm not clear on? He was very vindictive and mean and he had to sit there and say some other things that I wasn't clear on. And I didn't necessarily agree with everything that he said but you know my response and my disposition needed to be you're right and i had to sit there and i had to listen and i'm really sorry about that and not about well it's not about retaliation at this point it's a good thing it's about being right it's not about proving that you're right it is about listening and if this is something that hurt them i need to sit here and listen and i need to take it it is not about me being it is not about telling where they are wrong it is about me telling them where i was wrong and I have to keep that attitude in mind in every situation where I go when I make an amends and if there's other things there are other things that I have done I need to sit and listen and say you could be right you could be right, you could be right. You could be right all right um do you and then which is question four do you need to tell me of how any of this hurt you personally or your company and then i need to listen to that too i need to sit and i need to take it right and is there anything that i can do to make this situation right what can i do to make this right in this case might and you know and it's amazing i've never really had of bad. Now, in some situations, like my situation that I explained earlier, there was really nothing else. Like, I didn't have the question, is there anything else that I've done here that you can think of, right? There was, I already knew there was nothing else, so I didn' t need to ask that question. I already know what the amends was that needed to be made and I didn''t need to ask that question. So each circumstance isn't going to require all five steps. You have to take that to prayer, and into each amends has to be considered separately. Does that make sense? All right. Is there anything here I can do to make this right? They may just go, nope, get out, and it doesn't matter. I don't want to talk to you about it. I don'T want to hear about it." You may approach somebody and ask them that you need to make an amends, and they're going to say, I DON'T want TO talk to YOU ever again. And you have to respect that. You cannot force this. and but you made the attempt and that's all that matters that you made the attempt. And it may feel better for you to write a letter and that maybe one day, you know, you'll be able to give them that letter. But if they've asked you to not contact them, you need to respect that. We also need to look at at we also need to look at X's. Yes. Okay. What is my motive for going back to this X and making an amends? Is this okay? Okay, all right. So I have to ask myself, is there another, does this person have a significant other, a spouse or somebody else involved? Is that, is it going to hurt that person that I contact them, right? I haveと, this is something that you can discuss with God and your sponsor before you go make that amends and you really need to take it to prayer meditation and ask what your real motive is because i had you know i i own amends to to an ex-boyfriend that you know would really hurt my husband if i went to go make amends to to him you know and it probably would hurt his his current wife if if i did so i just you know i have a letter and and one day if if that if god sees it right that i give them give him that letter or mail that letter, but I'm not going to mail that letter because there would be people that I would harm in this situation. I would hurt his wife and I would heart my husband. I don't think I'd harm my husband anymore because it's been like 25 years, but in the beginning, it probably would have really harmed him, right? Does that make sense? Do you have a question? Yeah. So, since I was 15, I've made amends so many times to many people over and over again. Don't do it anymore. Stop. Yeah, just stop. Look, if you've been in this program for a while and you've made amends to people and you haven't done any more harm to them or you owe them more amends, don't go do it again. Come on. And don't make stupid amends. All right? Stupid amends are... You know what I'm talking about. Right? You know who you're talking about like, I'm sorry that I stepped on your toe it's been bothering me, you know, like come on what? Like, I didn't even realize that you really have to ask yourself what is am I going to make a stupid amens right you know what i'm talking about you know what i am saying well and we don't have the right to bring up a situation from the past by making it yet another event that's right and have them have to go through all those feelings again yeah if you already even if you didn't do it this way even if they didn't even if he didn't do it this way don't go do it again just to go practice on them because that's really what it would be you know just just make that if you if you're If you don't, and you may not have, you know, like for me, my father and I keep having issues all the time. My father keeps coming up on my resentment inventory because he's still a practicing alcoholic and he's a dick. And he's just an asshole. He's such a mean, can be such a means horrible person, you now. And he keeps coming upon my resentment inventories. But do I owe him an amends all the times? Not all the time, but when I do, you know, I call in and that's what 10 is for. You know, so that you can make that immediately. If we're practicing 10 and 11 on a daily basis, not just reading 10 and11 on a daily basis. But if we're practiceing on a day to day basis, we're just having to call up and say, hey, I'm sorry for smarting off at you the other day. Dad shouldn't have hung up on you. Sorry. But you were drunk. No. So you see what I'm saying? Are there any other questions? Are there any other questions on how to make amends? Yes. I'm not clear on that. There's people in my life that are drunks and they hang up on them, but I don't go back and make amens. Well, I think each circumstance has to be looked at. Like, I understand what you're saying, but he's my dad, and I only have one earthly dad, and I know that he's a drunk, And I have to love him and respect him because that's what my faith tells me to do. Even though he doesn't live the life that is one to be looked up at, he's still my father, still my dad. And I can't treat him disrespectfully. Same with my mother. I have times where I still smart back at my mom, and I have no right to do that to her. But as far as drunk people, yeah, I still owe them an amends. It's not about that they're wrong and they're drunk. it's about what my part and my behavior was and it was not right of me to hang up on my dad. It was not write of me to call my dad a name and say that. I still owe him an amends. I was still wrong for doing that. Do I set boundaries with my dad? I do but still sometimes he breaks those boundaries and I end up losing my cool Like somebody's drunk they'll just keep talking and talking and talking Is it somebody or is it a parent? Are you talking about a parent or just somebody? Well, I have friends that are speech friends. Okay, I'm talking about my dad. That's why each individual circumstance is different. And yeah, if I have drunk people on the phone that I'm trying to talk, I'll just say, call me back when you're sober. Yeah, so I can hang up on drunk people. But I shouldn't be treating my dad disrespectfully. I'm just talking, it's different situations, all right? We're talking, you know what I'm saying? This is apples and oranges, right? Okay. Any other questions? Yes. Financial amends to a place I used to work. Okay, financial. Don't have any money. Perfect. So financial amends depending on, let's just say, are you talking theft? Are you talking that you borrowed money? I took money. Okay, if you took money, i know i have a girl that you can talk to her name is amy she had to make so many financial amends and she did at me for stealing and um she went to all these stores that she stole from and she went in there and she said i just want you to know that um she basically made the amends here's what i've done wrong um here's the amount that i feel like i've taken from you In some cases, she didn't have the money. This is the amount that I feel that I owe you. Would it be okay to give you a payment of $50 a month until I've paid back everything? So you can make financial amends that way. I will tell you this. A lot of times that she would go into those establishments, they would say, You just being here is enough. I'm not saying that that's going to happen. I'm just saying that it can happen, all right? That they say, just you being here. I've actually heard people say that they had to go make financial amends to places that they stole from and the manager was in the program. And so, you know, you never know what kind of situation you're going to run into. You don't have to... Pardon me? Wait until I have 50 bucks to make the amends. I think that you should go make that amends, that you shouldn't make the initial step to make these amends to the person and say, here's what I'm working at. And I don't have the money, but you can pay them $10 a month until I can start making more money. And then here's What I'll do on the first of every month. I'll mail you a check for $10. $10 per month until I start making more money until I pay off my debt. Yeah. And I know people that have done that with numerous, numerous institutions and places and have made complete amends to the state. after years all right any suggestions on i mean for four years i shoplifted on a daily basis yeah how do you know how to come up with amounts for that like i think you just have to kind of take it to god and find to figure out what it is that you know yeah yeah you you have you know however free do you want to be you know and if it's in your conscience then you should go i don't care if there's a pair of socks you know this is what I took from you and need to make this right how much do you say that I owe you would you say they owe you for this and they may say you know what you being here is just enough and they actually say well here's the amount plus interest I don't know but we have to be able to make set right whatever it is that they ask us to set right so yeah and if we were like you know a child when we stole i think you should take it to god stealing is stealing from when i was 12 years old yeah it was one of the most powerful ones i had very much i think i got caught actually okay yeah you ended up in juvie you still owe an amends i would i would i want to make an amens to this store because when i was 12 years old i got caught stealing and it's just i wantto clean my side of the street you know whatever it is that you need to say all right and and this is where you wouldn't say is there anything else that that i'm not I'm not aware of it you need to write because there's nothing else that they're aware of yes no as a matter of fact I will say that because this is an anonymous program right and I don't say that I'm doing this because I won't get over drinking and I know the book says that but like like Nancy was saying we don't this is just when it was written you don't have to say that as a matter-of-fact personally I tell people that I work with don't go tell them that that you're doing this because you're in AA. You're doing it because you need to sit right, you know, what was wrong and I need to be able to make this right. My first sponsor told me to mention that I was, you know this is part of the process that I'm doing, I mean Alcoholics Anonymous and I feel like, I still got a lot out of it but I think it's coming more genuine than just mentioning hey these are the harms that I've done to you and I wanna It is much more genuine. It's much more genuine when it comes from your heart as opposed to a step that you have to do. Yeah, for sure. People outside this program are not going to understand this. They're not goingto understand it. That's right, John. You can't just mention that and be like... Yeah. Just be more sincere in your eyes. I think there's a much more... There's muchmore forgiveness given at that point and mending is done. I think that you see it feels more sincere as opposed to, you know, that's why I say when you go in with your cards and you start reading let it come from your heart and then maybe refer to your cards and just say is there anything else here that I'm leaving out that I need to mention that I am not aware of alright, it's a lot more sincere as opposed as saying I need clean my side of the street because this is, you now because I am an AA and this is my 9 step and I have to do this you know that's not the attitude that we need to go to with people does that make sense any other questions yeah all right so right now we're making the list making the list so checking it twice we're gonna find out who's naughty and nice so listen so so what we're doing now is we're making the lists you're filling out your cards make all of your cards you do not have to have all your amends done by next week okay I just want to clear that this is a work in progress okay but but try to at least get your cards done by next week thank you and Nate let's make let's try to get that try to get that done and what I would recommend is try to do at least two easy ones by next week so you have something to share next week as far as your amends about making an amends if you have a couple oh we got a basket can someone pass the basket yeah yes did you have a question um okay yes okay it's kind of funny 25 years ago my best friend went to prison okay when he was in prison i sold his life when he got out of prison he came up to me and made immense sorry to me i said i'm sorry back to him for stealing his wife do i need to that we both weren't sober at the time okay should i make amends again It's something you need to take to God. I mean, is there anything new that came up from them? Are the two of you... We're friends. No, there's no amends that needs to be made. Don't go make them just for practice. Don't do practice amends. Yeah, no practice amens. All right, just real sincere amends need to be mad. All right. So how many of you are going to make a commitment to make at least one or two amends this week? How many? how many hands come on how many of you can make at least one or two amends this week, this next week I'll tell you what I will make the one amends left that I have if you guys all will you guys all make a commitment to me that you'll make one or two amens this week okay I'm going to make a commitment that I'm gonna make my last amends to Derek Cothran in Fort Worth Texas and that $3,000 that I own I'm doing it this week I'm going to do it. I'm gonna do it, okay. Yeah. I know, right? Pocket change. Okay, so here's what we're doing next week. Next week, we need you to read in the big book, pages 84 and 85, step 10, and then put the 86 through 88 in your AA big book. Next week we are doing 10 and 11. So you need to do assignments 21 and 22. And then you're also going to read pages 85 from the bottom to page 88, which is step 11. And in the big book awakening, you need to put 89 through 91. How many of you, just a show of hands, I just want to see how many people are caught up on the transcribing in the Big Book? Oh, overachievers! Yeah, up to 8 and 9. Okay, just to eight and nine so far. Good, okay. All right, can I get a show of hands of people who can help clean up after the workshop tonight? All right. Thank you. Everyone's like, thanks. All right and is anyone here, does anyone want to bring food for next week? I'll bring it. I can bring it You want to? Do you want to take a piece again? No Do you guys want me to bring sandwiches from Costco? I'll do it. And then you can do the next week. You want to do the last week? The next week? Okay. What's that? Christed. Yeah. It's really good. It's very good. My mom still makes the best lumpia, but that's really good lumpia. That's really good, Lucia, for a story about Lucia. Okay. Any questions on the homework or on 8 and 9? We're doing assignment 21 and 22. 21 and 2022 for next week. All right, let's circle up and say the seven-step prayer.