Practicing Spiritual Principles as a Way of Life – 12 Steps and Service Workshop – Part 3 of 6 – Don P. and Jerry E – Don Pritts and Jerry E

One of the problems in my life is by trying to do what the program lays out. That little thing in the 12 and 12 that I've come to really appreciate where it describes what the steps are, it says almost exactly this. I know I screwed up a little bit, but you'll recognize it. It says our steps are a set of principles spiritual in their nature. Tell me what the tools are. which you've practiced as a way of life. That thing about you're working the steps, doing the steps writing the steps seminaring the steps to me they're off the subject. Those are nice activities but what the real key to the steps is is in practicing them as away of life and what I've found and it's absolutely been my experience that in 45 years I have never consciously solved one single problem in alcoholics and opposites. Not a single one. I have not sat in a meeting or sat with a sponsor and said, Eureka! I finally got it. It has never happened. What I find is that as I practice this set of principles as a way of life, amazing stuff happens. Emotional sobriety happens. Remorse gets dealt with. You know, all of the things that constitute my alcoholism get addressed. And so to me that whole business about, you know, if there is an emotional recovery, there's nothing to be recovering, you understand? That whole business is how to be free of those devils that drove me. And so that's the way I like to go at this kind of stuff. I don't like to just set little goals and do stuff and do mechanical actions. is that what I like to do is give myself to this program. When I've got trouble, I never pursue the trouble. We were talking about it a little bit last night. What I do is I get focused like a laser on what I'm doing. I get focus like a razor. I go to meetings and I listen at that meeting like it's a sermon on the mountain. Now, I don't care if God's teaching you how to throw up. I'll listen like I've never heard. because I want to get locked in. You know, I want to get really geared in and so that's how I go about dealing with problems. I don't try to fix them out yonder somewhere. I try to do it by getting solidly tuned in to who I am what I'm about what my spiritual life is so that I get solidly connected and then when I get like that I'm back as strong as they come. And when I try to fix it out yunder somewhere I'm as weak as can be. And so that's not just probably philosophical stuff. That is truly what I believe happens, and it's certainly been my experience that if I practice this as a way of life, stuff just happens. And those problems that eat me alive, one day I take a look and they ain't there. I don't go looking for them because I know how to find them. All I had to do was just quit doing what keeps them out there, and they'll be back. Yeah, that's a powerful area. I've got a practical story about what he just said. How do I apply this on the street? That's why I have to keep looking for it. I was working in community corrections in Denver. You have to understand the correction system itself is designed to fail. If you're going to work in it, you need to know that so that you don't. So I've Got a probation officer here. I was treatment services supervisor, so I'm here. And I've got my boss here and a couple other department heads here. She sends me a piece of paper. I do something with it. I send it to them so they can get it to here so they could get back to them through me back to her. That's designed to fail. Somewhere it gets bogged down. She's under pressure, and she's yelling at me. And for a couple weeks, okay. Then she starts yelling at my boss, and he starts yelling at me. Now I've got two of them yelling at me, but it wasn't okay anymore. Now I know something. One of the basic principles of this thing is if I'm disturbed, it's me, not you. It's me. I've gotta deal with me. So I sat down and did inventory the way I'd been taught to do it because I caught myself. I listened to myself. I heard myself tell one of my staff about the bitch. Right now, I know I'm completely out of whack. Her name is Stephanie, not the bitch, and so that immediately triggers me to lock my office door, don't talk to anybody else, because I'm starting to mess with my own staff. Stupid thing to do. Anyway, I got him pulled in and discovered what was going on. First of all, I want my boss to quit yelling at me. I don't care if she yells at me, but I do care if he yells at us because he pays my check. And he and I have an agreement. If he yells too much, he gets this. This guy I work with. And I wasn't ready to do that. So I looked at what was gone on. it's all about her yelling at me because this paperwork that she had a timeline on wasn't back to her yet, and that's because these people hadn't done theirs yet. Blah, blah, blah. The monster in the case was the fax machine. I get the paperwork, and I go to fax it to her, and there's an hour wait to get the faxe to work. Either hers is busy, mine's busy. That whole thing is jammed up. You have taught me The basic principle here is one-to-one, eyeball to eyeball, not telephones, not fax machines. We're going to talk together. Her office was about ten minutes away, so I took the paperwork and drove over there. She was shocked to see me give her her paperwork, and I asked her, do you have any for me? She was shock at that and got confused. after a week of that the problem was solved and in 25 minutes instead of an hour waiting for the facts the problem was solved she's no longer a threat to me my boss is no longer a threat I don't try to solve that problem what can I bring to the situation that will make it better recognition that she's under the same pressure I am She's got somebody yelling at her. No wonder she's uptight. It worked, by the way. Last time I saw her, she came clear across the room and put a hug on me. Which was not what I had in mind, but it worked. I don't mind that. This goes to the street. Prayer is an activity as well as an in-the-head thing. It's an activity. How can I bring about unity in my whole life. Well, that's how. Emotional sobriety means I recognize when I eat. Right off the bat. I recognize I'm out of whack here. The bitch just called. Let me tell you one little war story. that sometimes, when I first heard people talking about the spiritual life and how you had to live it, and like this morning he was talking about it, I see it right away, but it actually was my image when I would hear people talking about their spiritual life and how it worked. He's talking about how he found that parking place and he's in the right place at the right time there at the parking place. When I heard people telling stuff like that, I thought, gee, what kind of witchcraft is this? that it sounded like they just prayed and somebody's car blew up or something, you know, and they just made the world turn around for them. I thought, gee, that is just a weird joke. And now I talk that way. But it makes sense when I talk. But it's the same message, you know. But if you're not tuned into that, it really sounds goofy. And what I've found is that the spiritual life, just like that, is not just some sort of squishy, do-good, grinning Dalai Lama stuff. It really is about how to function effectively in life. And it works. I'll tell you one of a thousand stories. I was heading a pretty large organization and I had something done that was really malicious and underhanded and injurious to people that work for me. You remind me of that story. And I think as a supervisor, you're not only responsible for getting workouts, you're also responsible for looking after the welfare of the folk. And so I had 41 people whose careers were going to be destroyed over a decision that was made, and I'm the boss and they hadn't even consulted me. Well, I mean, I was mad. I was mad on behalf of the 41 people, and I was about equally mad over the total disregard and insult to walking past me to screw my people. And so I was fit to be tired. And so I said, well, I demanded an audience. I demanded an audience of the head of the system. And I guess I had enough rank that they respected the demand, and so they gave me an audience. Now, if you picture this, and this is absolutely true, exactly the way it happens, and why the spiritual life is not a wimpy thing. I'm mad, and I've got in my mind that I'm going to handle this sucker street level. You know, I'm gonna go in there and flat stick it in their ear. And so I'm on beat with seven people. and most of the seven had directly benefited from the action that had been taken. So I've got to go meet with my enemies in my mind that had done me in and profited in the process and I'm going to go in there so all I can think about is I'm just going to flat foot them down. And I'm driving to the meeting, spoiling for the fight and on the way up there, thank God it was a long drive And on the way, I got to thinking about who I am and where I'm going. And I thought, my God, is this the way I take care of business that the only thing I can think of is to resort to the old street behavior and go up there and try to bang up on somebody or whatever? And then I thought about what our program says, is to pray for those folk. And so what I did, driving up U.S. 1, was I put the face of each person visually in my mind. I knew them all well. And so I put each one of them right there, and then I prayed directly with that face in my mind. Virtual reality was there. And I gave them the benefit of the doubt. I said, well, maybe these folk are wrong, but they're probably doing what they believe is right. And I did that seven times because a picture of those people. When I got through, I was no longer angry. I was still resolute, but I was not angry. And we went into the meeting and I sat down with those folks. It took a long time because I had to go through 41 decisions and present my case for why that was a bad decision. At the end of the first day, I hadn't lost a round. I mean, I had won everything that came up. But I couldn't lose. I mean when I went in there, there was no way I could lose. If it had all gone the wrong way, I was at peace. But I was determined that I was right, that I Was trying to do the right thing, that I was not trying to be right. I was trying to do what was right. And at the end of that day, I was really on a roll. Man, I'd won everything. And the boss said, Tom, we're going to have to call a break. And I didn't want a break, I'm on a road. Why am I going to quit? And I said, no, no let's don't do that man, I've got to drive 75 miles. And he said, you've got us beat numb. I said alright, I thought, all right, fine, I did have a choice. Came back the next day and it hadn't even changed. I mean, it picked up again. Out of 41 major issues, I lost one. I think I could have won that one, but I just didn't want to rub their nose in it. But you see what I'm talking about? If I had gone in there using the old Ivester strategies, they'd eat me alive. I would have walked out of there with no gains and more losses if I'd have done it my way. And that's why I say, you know, I don't have to do this stuff. If I let the power of the program take care of giving me what I need, I'm a pretty doggone worthy adversary. But if you let me try to do it on out-slicking or out-toughing or outsmarting people, shoot, I'm going to lose a lot more than I win. And so, to me, that's what this thing is. It's about not some doormat approach to life. It's About Being Able To Take A Good Responsible Position In Trying To Do Something According To Principles So That I Don't Get Lost And Weak In The Process. And Just Truly Amazing Things Happen. And That's Literally One Of Hundreds Of Cases That I Can Tell You Where That Genuinely Works For Me. I'll tell you one more that's just a shorter one, but it's just as effective to me. I got a call one day to go make a presentation on behalf of an agency, and I thought we were just going to go sit around a coffee table somewhere. So, I mean, I was off duty, so I just went up casually dressed in an old golf shirt, you know, and I sat down. Well, I didn't know it, but we had a Madison Avenue presentation scheduled, And I walk into a real ritzy conference room, and I've got people sitting there who are my competitors who had productions that were produced in Hollywood, I think. Man, they had videos and computers, and I had a legal pad. I walk there looking like a real doofus with my legal pad and some fraud notes. What am I going to do? Man, I am absolutely outclassed. I mean, I was a hick in Las Vegas. So, totally blindsided. Well, what do you do? When all else fails, try praying. And so I stepped out, went down to the bathroom where I do my best praying, and asked God to help me do what I was there to do and try to get done what was right. And so, I walked in with my little old legal pad, made my presentation, and guess who walked out with it? See what I'm talking about? and it wasn't a matter I think I had the best deal but I surely had the ugliest presentation but when I'm trying to do the right thing and I am genuinely trying to carry out God's will and do what's right for folk it's hard to lose awfully hard to loose and so it's amazing how this thing works out this spiritual life and why I don't get into the fix-it business you know I just sort of practice things let it gear me up to engage in life And, man, it works strong. Emotional sobriety does not mean that I'm going to feel good all the time. That's insane. Absolutely insane. I live on a planet with temperature ranges of 4,000 or 5,000 degrees. I can handle 10 of them. I can either put something on or take something off or whine. I'm a person who by nature needs to be loved and adored by everybody that's dumb there are people who don't like me just because I'm here they don't even know me in fact I think real sanity is the day I recognize that there are people who like me no matter what I do and there are people who don't love me no matter what I do but more important is there are millions of people that don't even know I exist. And wouldn't care if they did. So, I'm not going to feel good all the time. My 16-year-old nephew died. We knew he was going to die from the day he was born. We were prepared for him. It still devastated me. I didn't feel good that day or for several days after. I had to do his funeral service so what do you do I cried all the way through my talk that's what I did that's honest I just have to feel it I have chronic physical pain what do You do You say hi Flanagan You know Flanigan very dangerous man head on closed last time I saw her so that doesn't feel good if I get concerned with not feeling good about not feeling good then I'm in trouble so the prayer is God don't let me get depressed about being depressed don't want me to feel bad about feeling bad get up off your ass and go do something well I don't wanna well who cares during the time of the worst time and I won't go into the whole thing. I was struck almost to death with hepatitis C and some complications. In fact, he saved my life by putting me to work and making me useful in the worst of it. But some idiot came by to visit me and said if I'd have been spiritually fit that wouldn't have happened. I bought into that for about ten minutes and then threw him out. That's crap. But during that period of time, I started looking at my heroes. You see, I want to be better than I am. So I don't want to look down here. I want a look out of here. And almost without exception, the people that I consider heroic had severe physical problems and they just got above them, that's all. They just went and did it anyway. And then I bumped into the little thing that Sister Teresa talked about as to how she came to her ministry. You know how that is? It's wonderful. She was on a train going across Germany during Hitler's time, was reading about that and the horrors of that, and realized that deep within her was the same capacity for evil that was being demonstrated by him. And it touched her so deeply she decided she needed to give her entire life to just the opposite of that so that would never emerge. Okay. By recognizing the evil within me, now I can do some real good. Because if I'm busy over here, this isn't coming up. But I have to always know that deep within me I'm a lazy whiner who's interested in where is my life? We ought to take a little break for a second. Are we heading in the direction you want to go? Yeah. Okay. Fifteen minutes? The microphone here, we're getting ready to head for the homestretch. It seemed like there was one other area. But one we want to get into and make sure we spend a little bit of time on is that whole business of sponsorship. I'll kick this off and then get Don to pick up in the whole area of sponsorship two things that are pretty clear that need to be talked about a little bit probably more than that but one is just that whole general thing about effective sponsorship how we do it and then how you start knowing when to move away how to move away, that kind of stuff. And then the thing about the medication, which is an increasingly troubling kind of thing in this whole business of how we deal with people. I sometimes think that depression has become an attachment to alcoholism. These days you almost don't have it without some depression being hooked to it. Of course, it does have a little something to do with getting insurance payment for going into treatment. But nonetheless, it is a very, very common kind of a problem we deal with. Let me just sort of make some general remarks to start with about sponsorship. I believe it is vital thing. I've never been without one except for that first little period when I came in to the program and didn't even know how to spell it much less find one and then I got one and I've had three and still got my third one and I'm very, very grateful I'm a really lucky guy in a lot of ways I don't know how you weigh it but I've got to have one of the longest and strongest sponsorship lines I know anything about. I'm 45 years sober, and I've got a sponsor sober longer than me, and he has a sponsor longer than him. And that's unbelievable of having that kind of thing. What a great feeling to know that I've Got Two Old Relics Like That above me. And I tell you, an interesting thing happens that you can look forward to if you're not already there. As you get older in the program, finding sponsorship becomes more and more of a challenge. You know, like right now, as I mentioned earlier, I'm the oldest male member in North Carolina. And I sort of have a, not a job description, but I kind of have criteria for what I look for in a sponsor. This is just me. But I want a sponsor that's senior than me, for one thing. It's not absolutely vital, but it's vital to me. I want one that's Senior just because it just feels good, just feels right. I want one that's active in all legacies of alcoholics and alcoholism. I'm somebody who believes that you can get locked up in the steps so tightly that you get almost as isolated in recovery as you were in the alcoholism, and so I think you can really get into that kind of staring at your navel, checking your emotional pulse every 30 minutes. And so I want somebody that's active in all legacies, you know, that certainly recoveries the heart and soul. But if I don't learn unity so that I can connect with my fellow members and with the world around me, you Know, I'm still in a heap of trouble. And then service, you Now, I believe any recovery that does not involve a healthy, vigorous service life is a recovery that's shortchanged and misses a lot of where the real joy comes from. So I want somebody who embodies that kind of stuff in the way they function. I want nobody that I like. I've never had a sponsor I didn't like. Some people say if you don't hate him, you got the wrong one. I couldn't disagree more. I've ever had a sponster that I didn' t like, that I did' n't like to hang out with, that I did n' t respect. He used the term heroes. My sponsors have always been kind of heroes to me. They're folk that I really look up to. And so I've sort of got that general criteria for what I'm looking for in one. I've got a way, and I'll give you this just sort of background so that it goes into this thing of how you function in sponsorship. If it isn't a well-developed marriage, so to speak, it's not going to have a lot of value. And so I've got a certain thing that I work out with. I don't have much experience, but I make this standard when I set up sponsorship with somebody, either somebody I'm sponsoring or with my sponsor. There's three things that I want understood with my sponsored, and I've gotten it understood with the fellow who has that job today. One, my sponsor is the only person on this planet, the only one who's invited into my life unannounced. Nobody else has that permission. But he's somebody, it's his job. I've asked him to step into my live any time about anything. Absolutely no hold barred. and he's the person that I will listen to no matter what he's got to say. I won't interrupt him. Now, I might argue with him later, but I'm going to hear him first. And I won' t always do what he says, but I will hear what he said. That's what I want him to tell me. And he's the only one I've got He's the person I'll call when the chips are down I may talk to a thousand other people But when the ships are down There is no question where I'm going And so that's sort of a fix I have on a job description For a sponsor I sometimes think That we Do a disservice To the sponsor By making a too great expectation on what it ought to be. It sounds sometimes like we get to thinking that the sponsor ought to be a combination of Adolf Hitler and Sigmund Freud, you know. There's got to be a real kind of rock them, sock them, jump on you guy and then have tremendous insight and understanding and be able to respond to any problem no matter what. And that's a little unrealistic. A sponsor to me is a fairly practical thing. It's somebody that fits that description that I trust who is somebody I can talk with about where I'm going, can share their experience with me. And so I don't put those kind of real glaring kinds of expectations on a guy. I want it to be that kind of a sound, solid, functioning relationship. when I set up sponsorship and I do this with people I sponsor as well as when I sponsor I always make it a very serious transaction I always have a private meeting, a scheduled meeting so that we go in usually meet for an hour, hour and a half two hours and basically what we want to do is solidify that relationship agree on what it is that we're looking for, what the expectations are, so that there is no surprise in how we do business. If we're going to meet with regularity, like at 6 o'clock in the morning, the cruelty that he imposes on people, whatever it is, we make an agreement and then that's the agreement. And they become the terms under which we operate. And so I like for sponsorship to have a real kind of a sound, business-like thing. What I'm dealing with is my life, and I don't want to be frivolous and casual about something that may be my lifeline at times, and I want it to be sound. I want It to be solid. I don' t want It To Be Up For Grasp. so the way I look at it is I need to keep me with that realistic expectations based somewhat on that stuff I was talking about earlier when I was trying to help start AA in a town my job as a sponsor is to help the new person that I'm working with know that there's a solution clearly know that there'sa solution and just as clearly know that I'm not it, that I're not it. And that came somewhat from watching people drop like flies when I left the town. See, I had not let them know that there was a solution. All they knew is that I was a wonderful person, and that's not enough. That's not Enough. This illness is far too deadly for that kind of a little lightweight approach. And so it sounds real simple to say that, but knowing that there's a solution doesn't mean just throwing some words at them. It means having them to have enough understanding that they know how to put that in motion. Sometimes that takes a short time. Sometimes it takes a long time. I'll just say one more thing generally about this thing of discipline. Discontinuing sponsorship. I don't like the term fired. That's just not a good term for disrupting a spiritual relationship. It just doesn't fit. We're not employing somebody. It's just something we agree in good faith to try to carry out, and sometimes it just doesn'T work. I don't commonly make it a practice to discontinue until I'm absolutely convinced that it no longer has utility. And sometimes the kind of thing that I look at in discontinuing is, I'll give you one example of a guy I had that, he's a wonderful fellow, he's sober 20 years, Well, he's dry 20 years. And he was one of the first people that I stopped for therapeutic reasons. Lack of therapy, I think. I worked with this guy, and he's a real verbal kind of guy who really believes that he can make a living doing nothing. I mean, he just thinks he can skim the world forever. and horrendous background loves to do fourth and fifth steps if you ever want to do a seminar on fourth and fifth step I'll be glad to send him up here and do it that guy is absolutely fabulous and just loves to talk about his last operation he'll beat you to death with that and loves to go and do fifth steps but when it comes to sixth and seventh where you start thinking about change it becomes a different issue and I worked with this dude for nine years and I listened to more fifth steps than I had patience to endure and never saw one ounce of any effort at recovering, at trying to do anything about it. He came to me one day, I'd been beating on him about amends, came to him one day and he said, man you're going to be proud of me. I said thank God. What happened? He said, I made some amends. Well, I knew every amend he owed from all those fifth steps. I said, for God's sake, tell me what it is. And so he told me it was about something he'd jumped on to college. And so I said well tell me how it came about. Literally what happened, two policemen armed came to his door to get the money. man that ain't even close you know and he aggravated that with one thing I try not to be a terribly arbitrary guy and to set up just harsh judgments but there's one thing that I will not sponsor and that's somebody who jumps newcomers. I'm just not going to do it because I, honest to God, don't know of anything more cruel than taking a wounded newcomer and depriving them of the right to recover. So I won't deal with that. And so this guy aggravated the case. I was going to stop anyway, but that made it a lot easier. And I stopped sponsoring that guy. I gave him several months' notice because he's not a handsome beast. I knew he was going to have a hard time. I said, buddy, you're going to find somebody. Gave him a date certain and on the date certain he still hadn't found anybody but I was out of here. Now he's 11 years later he's 20 years sober he still calls me once in a while and he tells me a lot of wonderful stuff and I pay absolutely no attention to it because none of it has any connection to reality And so I listen to it like the wind blow it, and I'm cordial with him, and I hang up and wait for him to call me again. And so sometimes, you know, in a case like that, that was because I saw the lack of... You know, the guy's just not willing to do the stuff. And in a place like that I have no... I mean, I don't like doing that, but it was... What I'm doing is perpetuating a myth when I continue to allow sponsorship to be used to describe a relationship. That's a myth. There is no sponsorship. And so, I'm not willing to condone something where there's nothing going on. There are other times when the relationship just becomes dysfunctional where people just won't follow the agreements and get more and more lax and slack about maintaining contact and maintaining viable dialogue. And so in a case like that, when there's no response to repeated warnings, I'll just say, you know, I think it's gone far enough. I'm not mad at you. I'll be your friend, but I'm now going to call a sponsorship because I think there is a viable dialogue that has to occur for that to have meaning. And so those kinds of things I put on their standards. Well, come and get Don to talk about this a little bit, and then we'll come back on the thing about dealing with it and the heading of that medication stuff. But that is a big issue, and it's one that as well we're talking about a littlebit. But let me get Don talk about that a littlebet. And you don't want to work past quitting time, even though we stole 45 minutes on breaks. I've been sorting through this one of late because I've come to dislike the word sponsor because it doesn't mean anything anymore. It means too much. And I had an experience that set it off, and then I'll tell you what I think about sponsorship. It's part of my battle with ritual, by the way. I was at a little conference in Ohio last year I'm a host as a young fellow, about a year. From a sponsorship line that says, call me before you go to the bathroom in the morning. Total taking over your life. And nice enough people, but that was where he came from. I was 33 years sober. And as we began to interact during the weekend, and it became clear to him that I would do something a little different. And so he asked me, because part of the ritual that this group goes through is I have a sponsor whose name is, whose name isn't, and all the scalps are taken off the wall and put out there for you to look at. And the implication of the way it's done, if you're not doing it this way, you're no doing it right, get away from me. I hate to say it, but that goes on every day. so he asked me do I have a sponsor and I had to honestly say please describe to me what you mean by that so I can answer the question and when he was finished describing it I said by what you described no I don't and I watched his face it truly disturbed me because I was a living lie you can't stay sober this long unless you do it this way but I had And I don't want to ever be put in that spot again. So I started investigating, what the hell does that really mean? All I know about it is the way I was sponsored. Now my experience is a little different because we only had one meeting a week and we weren't even allowed to go to that one until we'd been through the steps. We weren't fit for that meeting. They had real people come in from the outside. until we had something to say, which goes back to where sponsorship came from. It's not in this book. It's described, but it's not mentioned as a word. A sponsor in any organization is the guy who says, guys who are already members, old Tom here would like to become a member. And the guys say, well, we're not too sure about that. Tell you what we'll do. if you will be responsible for him for a little while until he learns how we operate so when he shows up in the meeting he don't screw it all up. You teach him what it is we do. And then we'll all get together and let him do it and see if he got it and then you're off to look. That's kind of the way it is in the Elks and the Moose and the way I was here too. Okay? So that's one piece of sponsorship that I looked at as a word, one description of it. I am responsible to the new person to show them what it is we do here. Now I'm having difficulty these days because instead of showing them what we do, we're teaching them our lingo instead. So in three or four weeks, they've got the lingo and when you talk to them, they sound all right and they're dying. If they sound right, we've got their lingo. We didn't show them what at all we did. I came from a group that showed me, let me describe sponsorship in here, and then I'll get on with it because it is described here pretty clearly. In the foreword of the first edition, it's described. We have Alcoholics Anonymous and more than 100 men and women who have recovered from the seemingly hopeless state of mind and body to show other alcoholics precisely how they would recover is the main purpose of this book. It describes it. My job as a sponsor has been done with me. They showed me precisely how we would recover. Didn't lie to me. It was a strange thing that I saw. My life was more important to them than anything else, but they didn't care if I died. It's one of the first apparent conflicts in the CNA. Your life matters more to me than mine, but I don't care if you die. Man, they were... Showed me precisely what they had done. Now, we were in a limited environment. They couldn't do a whole lot. There were restrictions on your time and your movement. But part of what they did do was begin immediately working with others. Immediately. As I go through this book, I see the same thing. Everything about AA is immediate. As soon as you have some information that may save her life, go tell her. You don't have to wait until you've done everything by the number. She might die between now and then. In fact, quite often, the person with three weeks of sobriety is more effective on a call than I am because they can't believe me. They can't even hear me. Besides, I talk kind of fluffy. Except on a 12-step call. Talk loud, buddy. Talk loud? Yeah, talk loud. Bill uses the word protege in the book and that's my understanding of the sponsorship relationship a mentor and a protege a proteege is somebody new who wants to do what this person is doing and the mentor takes time out of their otherwise busy life to walk gently with a new person and show them what it is we do and how we do it, to befriend them. But it's a relationship of equals. From the very beginning, it's an relationship of equal. Now taking that background, the way I sponsored a day and a half for years in the free world was very simple. There are instructions in here about what to do when somebody asks you if you'll work with them. There's some hoops to jump through, first of all. Let's say you've heard me and decided you want what I have. So you come to me after the meeting and say, will you be my sponsor? My response is, my home group meets on Friday morning at 6 o'clock in St. Joseph's Hospital in the Aspen room right next to the cafeteria. Why don't you meet me there and we'll talk about it. I want to know, first of all, if you really mean business. If you show up at my group at 6 in the morning on Friday, you mean business? I don't have to question you or interrogate you. If you don't, we can't talk about it. So I just wait. Now when we talk about It, I'm like Tom. There are certain things we need to know. What's going to go on here? Well, I am going to show you precisely how I recovered through this book. which means we have to find a time and a place that we both agree on, and it has to be regular. The first lesson that I got was be regular, and you can come once a week, you can comes once a month, you can came every day, I don't care as long as we establish that. As long as you understand what we're going to do here is go through this. We're also going to other things, but during this period of time, be quiet if you knew anything you wouldn't be here ok I'm going to read this to you and then share with you how it is that I was brought to this and then we'll talk about it and then you'll get assignments like I did and they're not other people's assignments they come right out of here this damn thing understands us completely we're too dumb to even know when to pray so it tells us when and it tells us how and it tells us when not to pray when you get off your ass and go do something it tells you what question to ask and when to ask they're really very clear left to my own devices I'll screw it up so we will do that now I believe that I'm responsible for exposing you to the wholeness of it. I have been influenced deeply by people that I could not put the word sponsor on, but have had effect on my life so profound it changed me. Bob White was one. He was one for West Parish. There were some old timers in this operation when not got here that were giants. We don't need giants anymore, by the way. Any social movement that's getting started needs giants to break down the barriers. But we just need leaders now. But anyway, I'm going to expose you at the proper time to my mentors. I have them all on tape. You'll get to hear their voices. I love reading Chuck's book, but I'd much I'd rather listen to the talk he gave that the book came from. There's something about Chuck's hee-hee-hee. It just gets to me. So I will expose you to that, and at the proper time. And you don't know when it is. I do because I've been practicing this a while. One of my favorite things, because I get asked to talk locally from time to time, in the fifth step one time, A fellow and I were fist-stepping, and I had to talk in the treatment center. And he was ultra sick, so it took a long time. And we went through when it was time to go. And he didn't know how I operate. We fist-tepped all the way out. We got to the place. And I informed him then that he was the 10-minute speaker. Right in the middle of the fist-step. It's the time you got involved. What better time than when you're all cranked up? you're temporarily telling the truth. As a sponsor, I am to be not only a mentor, but a guide. I've been over this trail. I know the difference between a snake and a stick. And on this path, there really are no snakes. because there's only sticks. But some of them have thorns in them. Example, I've got a kid that's been in and out. I finally got him through some inventory, and a good part of the inventory, because he's young, was the way he mistreated women. And we've got some very specific amends to make. The biggest one is he's got to change how he treats women. and when we went into the inventory he had spotted a little filly that intrigued me and I said well perhaps you ought to leave that alone until we're through here and he took that direction and as soon as we finished the fist up he says can I call her now I said well if you think you can have a date with her and not hurt her Yeah. But you've got to ask yourself, can you call her and have a date and not hurt her? Called me back just before I came down here and says, I'm having difficulty. How in the world am I going to have a day if I have to worry all the time about whether I'm hurting her or not? I said, well, it isn't time yet, is it? I don't tell them you can't. I suggest until you're straight with the thing. Because if you continue to harm people, you're surely going to wreck again. A change has to take place. Amendment doesn't mean I'm sorry, it means change. I changed what I did here and I changed what I do from here on. I want you to meet and interact with my family. I don't know whether you're going to have a family or not but you might as well find out what they're about. I get the psychopaths by the way. Well I do because I know who they are and my children because we communicate in my house know that's who's sitting on the couch they also know they're perfectly safe because I'm there there's no question about it I cannot psycho anybody that comes into my house don't pull your bluff on me mainly I absolutely adore them I just love them like sick babies and so they're and they respect my home never have I had any trouble and I've had some bad people in that house never any trouble we start and again it's because of the way I was I've got a special room some of you have been in it it's a very private place and this is where we're going to do our work But first, we're going to start on the couch near the front door and the stairs that come down for a couple reasons. You're not bringing your shitty attitude into my room, first of all. Okay, it's a spiritual place you ain't messing with. You haven't earned the right to go into my roof yet. Sorry, but that's the truth. More importantly, I want you to see how me and my family get ready for the day. And this one particular time was wonderful. I've got two daughters that then were in their early teens. And if you think it's hard getting out of bed when you're alone, try to get out of bedtime and get ready when you've got two teenage girls and a wife in the house getting ready for work. Just sit down and wait. Might as well have somebody come over because I can't get in the bathroom until after 7. Anyhow, the lunatic and I are sitting there. This is one who later threatened in my own driveway to kill me. He got distressed because it's on the truth. He didn't obviously, but we're sitting there and my 13-year-old comes tipping down the stairs and I've raised a mouthy one. One who has attitude and writes letters to the editor and gets right in your face. And I encourage that. And her sister's a wimp, but I love her anyway. She comes tripping down the stairs and she said, excuse me with attitude. I'm reading the book. We're involved in life and death here. And shocked me. I said, what do you want? I was surprised she would interrupt this meaningful thing going on here. She says, you know, I live here too, you haven't introduced me to this person. We both got a lesson in human behavior and in readiness. So I introduced her, she says, okay, bye-bye. I want to expose you. If you have come to me to ask me to sponsor you, I want To expose you to the things that made me what I am. Every now and then one of the guys that come with me on one of these deals are to a conference. I never ask them to. If they ever ask me, I'll see to it they get to go. I try to get them to pay for their own ticket. They should be self-supporting through their own contributions. If we can't do that, I've got plenty of frequent flyer miles. And they don't belong to me. They belong to my family, and they're part of the family, so off we go. They get their own roof. I'm not sleeping on no lunatics. Unless the conference is paying for it, put us where you want. Just make sure there's two beds. Now, that's the regimented part. I believe this firmly. When new people come to me, they're incapable of surrendering to God. They either hate him, don't believe in him, or are confused about it. But surrender is the absolute bottom line requirement for moving forward. You've got to surrender the old way entirely. So I let them surrender to me. Six o'clock, my house. Make it a sacrifice. This isn't easy. Until the first time we meet. Then they surrendered to process. and in the process they're able then in time to surrender to God and now that's when I let them go we still continue on with my exposing but from here on you can't count on me and the way that works out because that may happen at the third step it may not be until the fifth or sixth though I watch for it we have had a rigid schedule you must be there every Tuesday at six that's the deal Once we finish the fifth, sixth, and seventh step, you no longer have an appointment. In fact, back at the fourth step, you no long have an appointement. You go home and you make a list. As soon as your list is done, call me and I will make time for you. But I'm not putting any restraints on this thing because this has to come from within, not from me. And if it takes you a long time making your list. When you call, I will remind you that you've accessed spiritual power here because everything from the third step to the seventh step is all part of one prayer. It's one spiritual activity. Don't wait too long. So that's kind of how I do that. And then once that's all done, take this inventory list, make a new list. I'm a listing person. All the people here are you old man student. Make that list. Then add anybody you can think of, because if you've met with them, you messed with them. That's what my sponsor told me. Then I was given an exercise that I will give you. Go back to your private place. Take this list and look at it. Close your eyes and picture each one of these people in your mind. See if you can feel a willingness in your heart to looking right in the eye and say to them, I've been wrong and I've harmed you. Would you please tell me what I have to do to get the books to balance? I got free locked up in a penitentiary cell doing that. Literally lifted from my chair and set free. Willingness is the demonstrable sign of the presence of God. It is so powerful that the very instant and I'm willing to be changed. I have already been changed. It's just instant. Then I kind of go over that list of what my sponsor did with me. He had me, because I couldn't get out and make amends. They wouldn't let me out and they wouldn't Let You In. He said, well, some of them we can deal with by mail and some of you are going to have to go see. And I learned a very important thing. I get to live with what I did. Sometimes for a long period of time. And there's nothing wrong with that. I'm not guilty or ashamed about it. But I have some pain in my heart over some of the things that I did. And I should have. It keeps me from getting arrogant. It helps me to understand. I made a guy so mad the other day, Tom. He said, what do I get at the end of this? I said, compassion. He said you son of a bitch. You want to get something better than that? No. Compassion. Okay. But bring me your list, whether you do it on cards or yellow paper or toilet paper. I don't care. Bring me who you harmed, how you harmed them, and what you think you can do to make them right. Because part of this process now that I'm free is to help the people that I harmed get free too. If I harmed you, I put you in a bad emotional state. I need to give you the opportunity to smack me down or forgive me or whatever you need to do.