Resentment and Fear Inventories – Awakening Workshop – Part 10 of 18 – Local AA Speakers

Get up here everybody. Oh, hello. Hello you in radio land. Hope you enjoy the time tonight. We're going to do a little bit of a recap and let's see here. Normally we have about 50 plus people and I bet we're down to about 25 maybe tonight? But we had a lot of people call and say they weren't coming tonight because of the work stuff. So we're fine. Hey, I do want to put one note out there. I was talking to a bunch of folks before we get started, and they were saying, you know, it was sort of an off week. It was sortof hard to do the work tonight. I'm a little bit behind this week. Hey, don't beat yourself up. That's right. But remember, there's nothing easy about a fourth step. It's a grind. It is. And there's Nothing in the Fourth Step in the big book that says, hey, when you enter the fourth step, you're going to just feel like a million bucks. It's going to be just sweet, rolling, easy-going, feather bed comfort. It's gonna be so nice and comfy and rosy. No. It says we're gonna fearlessly face and fearlessly fact find. And it really is that kind of a process. And it takes some diligence, okay? You know, the only requirement for membership in AA is what? Desire to stop drinking, right? That is not the only requirement if you want to live in a recovered, life-giving, life breathing, amazing existence. Anybody here want a life giving, life breeding, amazing existance? I always do. You bet. If you're not raising your hand, you know, you're too proud and that's good. Or you already got it going on and it's all good. But keep at it. Keep at it, okay? If you're behind on the work, do not punt. Don't go, oh, shoot, I better just drop out because I'm not going to have enough time to get it done. No, no, no. The good stuff is just around the corner. The good staff is coming. I mean, big time. Sex is coming? Yeah, sex is coming in. Not for you, Bobby. You've got to wait. So let's do a little bit of review. and by a show of hands how many people here say they have most of their resentment inventory fourth column work done okay that's about half that's good and the the others that are in the room would you say that you're maybe another week away from getting that stuff done all right because really where you want to be tonight we're doing the fear inventory so you want to be you don't You want to be sort of caught up because we're doing fear inventory tonight. We're going over a lot of detail on that. And then next week, we're dealing with the relationship or sex inventory, okay? So to give yourself a little bit of a picture here, you should be almost wrapped up on the resentment inventory. Then tonight, we'll do the fear inventory. And then, next week's sex inventory. And then it's fifth step time. So you want to get ready. You want to be ready for that, okay? All right. So let's review from fourth column. I want to start out with something my sponsor gave me a long time ago and see if you guys could ring true at this, okay. The cool thing about this fourth step in the resentment inventory is you could do it backwards and see your truth, all right. You can see your proof. And there will be more and more sense the more you do this work. But what he said to me, he said, write this stuff down, Pat. my beliefs are what I find in my column three it's all the things that are running my life it's the way that you're supposed to act on stage on my behalf right make sense my beliefs people should I want I need blank to be okay self-esteem I am you know don't you understand who I am on the real relationships. Fathers should be this way. Wives should be that way. Husbands should be this. Real friends should be at that. Employees should be doing this. Employers should be doin' that. My beliefs, these are my beliefs that I get going on in my head that end up not being met and what happens? I pop a resentment, right? You're not acting the way I want you to act. I gave you a chance. I was being really nice about it now I'm ticked and if you push me too far I'm gonna get homicidal right in the way I evidence it is like cut you off you know I start getting snarky I started getting snippy I might get a little more aggressive or I might show you my real spiritual side and then I educate you on what you should be doing and still you're not doing what's right my beliefs are screwing me up so he said pat write down my beliefs or in column three and they are being run by my column four experience with fear i have tried everything to manage others to get my way that's my step three experience right before i turn my will my life over to care of god who's in charge me i am and we had to quit playing god why it didn't work i would play god all day long if it worked anybody here wanted to willfully and just give up control of your life anybody walked around going i just want to turn my life away from somebody anybody no alcoholics addicts no no no last thing we're going to do is turn our life over to anything or anybody except for the booze except the drug we'll turn that stuff all day long so my beliefs are in column three are run by my column four fear i've tried everything to manage others to get my way step three still it doesn't work i don't have enough power even when my power as marshaled by my will is tried over and over and over again. And we're going to see that really clearly tonight when we see how self-reliance fails us. And I want to talk about that word, that phrase, because it's more than a word and it's more than her phrase. It's a core experience. And for every one of us in this room we have core experiences with fear that started when we were just itty bitty babies and it goes forward from there so not enough power even when my power as marshaled by my will is tried over and over and the reality i'm staring at the inability to protect myself that's what's happened that's my fourth step shows me real clearly i cannot protect myself god must protect me yeah that's pretty cool stuff i mean that that i my sponsor gave that to me uh almost 15 years ago and i still read it every time i'm with a with a sponsee it's a true it's the truth of what we're trying to do so the fourth column experience from last week a quick recap a couple things we find the real one thing i want to really emphasize and it gets i never want to make it light it has to be central always always always start your fourth column with the prayer god show me the truth about this and also show me that you're not that this person i'm resentful at is spiritually sick just like me i'm not on high mountain top and they're just a piece of crap. No, they're just like me. They have their challenges just like I do and it's evidencing itself going sideways. It's going twisted. It's not very pretty but it's not because at the core they're an evil person. They're just spiritually sick. Always start out with your prayer. There's something about giving God the space in my fourth column to show me the truth. Brian, you are the most important man of the universe and people on the radio our bathroom key man just showed up and all the people are now uncrossing their legs and running for the door so and so this so we start out with the prayer in the fourth column and then the next thing we find is the realization that's the first time we've ever done that that i ever did it i mean i was never in the habit in my resentments before i started doing this work to ever look at anybody's part except for the guy i was ticked off with the realization is a courage faith building proposition pat are you willing to look at how you may have done exactly the same thing as a person you're tickedoff with in column one and what they did to you in column two are you going to do that and if it wasn't a one-to-one correspondence in other words i didn't do it to that person where in my life do i say see a similar way of reacting do i see that sometimes it comes really easy really quickly other times i have to sort of sit with the meditation sit with it in prayer for a while to be able to see it does it make sense yeah it doesn't show up all the time Especially, we've touched on this a few times over the work. If you've had a molestation in your history, if you've had a sexual experience that was not of your choosing, if you've had battery, if you've had physical abuse, if you've had mental abuse, there's a lot of that stuff that people get really twisted in this fourth column going, oh, wait a minute, Pat. What do you mean, my part? No. We're not saying for at all that when you're a child or even you're an adult and you've been put in the compromise position, in an awful position, that you somehow brought this on yourself. That's never our intention. But as a result, and I can speak personally, and I've told you guys about that guy in my life, because of how that relationship went down with me, with Gary, for quite a few years, it impacted every relationship I was in. I never let anybody get close to me. I never got vulnerable again. I never shared my feelings. I always was on guard. I never trusted what people said. That's my realization. Not what Gary did was right or wrong. By the way, I believe firmly that it was wrong. but how did i take that experience and how did that impact my future relationships does that make sense mm-hmm i've never looked not once have i looked at what gary did to me as that was acceptable and now that i'm all grown up and i'm very mature spiritually i see that it was okay what you did. No, none of that. But I now look back and I see how it colored every relationship I was in for 10-15 years. Long time. So that's the point. Does that make sense? I want to be really clear on that because I had a couple questions on that from last week. Any questions onthat part before I go on? Okay. If there are questions, please come up and talk to us after seriously because that's an important part okay so after we do this prayer in the realization then what we're doing is taking a good solid hard look at how selfishness and self-centeredness shows up on my power what are my self-seeking actions that i take when this person in column one does what they did to me in column two, what do I do in response to try to control them? Try to make it different. Try to get them to know their part in the play. Does that make sense? And then we got to the truth about next, not only the selfish action, but how about the selfish attitude behind the selfish action? Make sense? And then we get into the delusion and the dishonesty. I get into a space where I have to believe certain things that just aren't so, so I could cop an attitude, so I can do whatever it is that I want to do. Case in point. My first ex-wife, the kind words would be that she was a little bit financially harsh with me in how we ended up the marriage and a couple other things and how she was with my kids. All right? So my attitude, my delusion that I had to do was I didn't have a part in this at all. I was a good guy. Forget about my behavior, which was atrocious. But I was good guy, blah, blah. And I didnít deserve any of this crap going on because sheís just an evil human being. Sheíd be better off dead. That was the delusional attitude that I took. And my selfish attitude was anything that I do to try to get my way is acceptable, which gave me self-seeking behavior, which was I'm going to cut her off at the pass and I'm gonna do this. I'm to do that. I'm a do all these other kind of actions because I'm trying to get in my way. Make sense? Yeah. Can you define self- seeking and selfishness? Yep. self-seeking is a is a fancy word and all it means is i'm doing behavior that's designed for one thing get my way selfish attitude or being selfish in my attitude is simply my ideas are all about my well-being and if it helps you along the way that's great but that's not my concern that's my street definition is that okay is it yeah all right it works for me and you're going to come to your own truth about that another there's all sorts of fun stuff okay then the last part oh go ahead i'm sorry um would you say that that where self-reliance failed us like that whole section that i know that was the last thing you read um would say that whole section kind of ties in between page 45 where it says a lack of power was our problem oh yeah absolutely so that so those that that kind of like wraps up a whole sequence of things and then like um you kind of get like an aha moment at page 68 from page 45. yeah you're gonna you're going to see a bunch of that tonight you're actually you're jumping You're jumping ahead with what we're doing tonight, which is on the F.E.A.R. M-Torch, and you're right on track, absolutely. I'm right on truck, but I'm jumping ahead. No, no, I mean, in tracking that, you've got the answer, which is I'm crashing and burning because I don't have enough power to make you do what I want you to do for me to be okay, and I'm afraid. Because until you do it, I'm not going to be able to do it. Until you do whatever I want to do, I won't be okay. And if you don't do that, and if I can't make you to that, that puts me in a really crappy position. instead of relying on what God would want. Yeah, and then we get into some really cool stuff like it doesn't even matter what you do. My problems are in my own making. It doesn't ever matter what we do. Love ya. I mean, seriously, the change is unbelievable. It's revolutionizing. So with that thought, the last part of it is at the bottom and this goes right into what we're going into tonight is what am I afraid of? At the core of all this resentment inventory, it's all being driven by fear. We wrote them out in our third column in parentheses. In each part of my seven areas of myself. You're not believing what I believe about myself, I'm afraid. You're Not Seeing Me The Way I Want To Be Seen, I'M Afraid. You're NOT Wanting What I Want Out Of This Scene, I'M Afraid You're not giving me what I need to be okay. I'm afraid. You're not believing about relationships, what I believe about relationships. I'm scared. You don't even have the same attitude about what a real man or a real woman is. I'M AFRAID. And my resources, you're taking my resources my pocket book away from me. I'M AFRAID Now we get very specific about what that fear is in each part and that's where we see in the book a hundred forms of fear, self-delusion, self pity, blah blah blah. I mean this is where it comes from. So this core fear in that fourth column, is there anything else shoring it up? Is there any one overarching fear that's causing this thing to be driven? Sometimes we find new fear in that fourth columns, sometimes we don't. It's okay but we just give it one more shot and then that fear translates into i start getting a little bit snarky and i start harming people i might i was directing all my harm towards suzy my first ex-wife when she was doing all the stuff and i and i was uh out there drinking and carrying on i had no intention of harming my three children but they were getting the brunt of all the crap that i was pulling it was ridiculous and when i see this stuff and i've heard and we i've participated with some of you during this workshop where you start to see this stuff and tears come into your eyes and you go oh my gosh it's me i'm doing this stuff to others that i love and man all you see do you feel that that settledness tonight just now because we get to this truth that i can't do any better this is my best effort to try to control the world and i have to take a look do i want to blot out my miserable existence to the bitter end even when sober or do i wanna accept spiritual help or another way to look at it Accept spiritual relief and release and rebirth. Recreate our lives. Recreation. Recreating our lives? Wow. Okay, so that's a recap of that fourth column. It leads right into the fear grid, and Leanne's with us tonight, and she is going to rock us. So what we're going to do is we're going to say the prayer, have a five-minute meditation, And go for it, okay? Let's see a prayer. In the prayer, because we're in the fear inventory, turn over to page 66 in the BBA workbook. One-sentence prayer. Sometimes you do that. Brief is good. Everybody got it? If you don't, no worries. Here we go. God, please enable me to see the truth about my fears. Right on. Okay, can everyone make sure their cell phones are turned off or on silent? Goodness, okay. Technical difficulties. All right, my name is Leanne. I'm a real alcoholic. Oh, my gosh, it's so good to be back. So I just, I thank you guys for your patience with me and this is my busy time of the year and I'm either out on a way on business or I've had some personal things that are not just kind of minor but thank God for Pat and just give him a big hand. Pat and then having Tyler here is awesome so for the next, it's just such a, I love being here and i love being able to to do this workshop and in my mind i think my math was off i thought for some reason we would be done by now and it's like i said i'm getting into my really and i'm like i can't believe we started in january and it already may you know and and we're already at the end of resentment inventory it's just crazy you know so um yeah what the hell almost almost almost done with just the inventory sheet just a resentment inventory sheet so yeah you all should be done what's up yeah so so so like like Pat said let me just kind of I'm going to recap a little bit about what we're doing so we're you guys finished up basically the back side the fourth column of the resentment inventory what we have left is we have a fear grid that we're going to talk about fear tonight the fear grid is only going to take up this one night tonight and then next week is going to be on sex. And are we, are you guys doing sex ideal and sex inventory in the same night? Okay. So when that is done, there's four things you're going to have. When you go into your fifth steps, you're gonna have a resentment inventory, right? Your resentment inventories. You're going TO have a fear grid. You'RE going TO have sex inventories while most of you are going to HAVE inventories, um, and then you're going to have a sex ideal we're going to we're going to get into that next week um and then once that's all done then we're gonna we're going to take a week off after that so after next week we're taking a full week off and then we'll return after two weeks make sense during that yeah well yeah they'll go over it again but i just want to kind of go over it with you because i know that we've spent so much time in resentment inventory right and and we're not going to spend that much time in the in fear inventory or the fear grid so just relax all right so I know I know because it is we get we get into this this doing this inventory and it is it's it's overwhelming and it can be and it kan be you know we have a tendency to make things a lot more confusing than they really are and it's just that it's a lot of work you know and I don't know of any other way to do this work than the way that we do it that's more thorough and being able to dig deeper and to get down to the root of the problem. We're not just clipping off the bad fruit at the end of the tree, we're really getting down to the rootof the problem by doing it this way. Has anybody ever found a more thorough way that I'm not aware of? I mean, I'm not saying this is the only way to do the work, but it's the way that works for us. And that's why Pat, myself, Nancy, and Tyler are so passionate about this work, and we have been for years because it works, and because we see lights go off in people's eyes. We see changes before our eyes, and it's just such an amazing thing to see. One of the things it says in the 12-step, it says nothing can so much ensure immunity from alcohol as working with another alcoholic, and to be able to see that light and that change in their eye is something that is indeed miraculous. And I see it, you know, with all of you. Look, this room is pretty much just as full. I mean, the people that aren't here tonight have actually called and said that they weren't going to be here, but we really have kept this room pretty full. And it's because if it wasn't working, would you guys be coming back? I don't think that you would be. So, you know, kudos to all of you. And this is a great way to do it. I think one of the only ways to do the work. All right, so we're going to go over, I'm going to go over the bottom of page 67 and 68. So if you want to open your book, we're not going to have that much to read and to go over with fear. It starts at the bottom page 67, and it says, notice that the word fear is bracketed alongside the difficulties with Mr. Brown. And if we're looking at our resentment inventory, let's just say, you know, I'm going to stop using my mother-in-law because what if she listens to this one day? Should I do it? Okay. I just want to clarify something because she is listening one day. Our relationship is amazing today and I'm not just saying that seriously we have a great relationship today we honestly do does she get on my nerves sure my mother gets on my nervous but the thing is is I don't carry those resentments that I had with her in the beginning she she doesn't go places with me in my head I'm NOT continually mad at her I don' t I it's completely been removed and it's nothing of my own doing that's been removed it's because God's removed it out of a process of doing this work. I'm telling you right now, it's miraculous. And if I wasn't free of it, I wouldn't be sitting here reading it anyway. So let's say by looking on what's bracketed on the side of self-esteem, pride, ambition, security, we see the word fear. It says here, fear is bracketed along the sideof the difficulties of our seven areas of self with Mr. Brown. That's the example that it's using in the big book. Mrs. Jones, the employer and his wife. This short word somehow touches about every aspect of our lives right and what we what we're going to see is that the that the most important thing that that rules us and and controls our behavior in the way that we feel the reason why we have these resentments is because it's fueled by those words that are bracketed those those fear words that those fears that are are bracketed alongside um those seven areas of self the short word somehow touches every aspect of our lives it was the evil and corroding thread the fabric of our existence that was shot through with it it's set in motion circumstances right so things that happen because i was riddled by these fears because i'm because i have a hundred forms of fear right then i'm going to be able to see once we start doing this fear grid and and the reason why we do this fear grid is because it's going to tell us as we get to the other page, we're going to write it on paper. We have to be able to see it on paper so we can see that we are driven by a hundred forms of fear. It's set in motion trains of circumstances which brought us misfortune. If I didn't have those fears, if I wasn't riddled by fears to begin with, I wouldn't have these circumstances that would cause me to react or retaliate, right? Or to feel hurt or anxious in any of these situations. But did not we ourselves set the ball rolling, right?" I have to see that...I may have started this myself. We think that fear ought to be classified with stealing. Why is that? Why would fear be classified with stealing stealing i stole my peace steals my serenity number one it steals my relationship with my power with my heart with my highest power with god right because i'm allowing fear to block my relationship uh with god it seems to cause more trouble so so my trouble i think my trouble i have to be i'm going to see this my trouble is not the person i've or the thing I've put in the first column. My trouble is my fears, right? My trouble is not my mother-in-law. My Trouble Is My Fears. Your trouble is not your problem with Fox News. Your Trouble is Your Fears Your Troubles Not Your, you know, your problems with the Democrats or the Republicans. Your troubles is with your fears and so on and so forth. You see what I'm saying? Your trouble is not with your father it's with your fears. We reviewed our fears thoroughly we put them on paper even though we had no resentment in connection with them What does that mean? I think Tyler went over this last week. So as you write your fear, so when we look at our fear grid and that first fear for most of us, let's just say it's not good enough. All right. Right. So we wrote not good enough in that first box. And now we have to be able to look at the opposite of what's not going on. Do I have a fear of being good enough? Maybe some of you do. Maybe some of them don't. It's not in connection with my fears like I'm just reading here, right? So I want to be able to look at the opposite. Here's a better example. I have a fear of being unsuccessful, right, of not succeeding. Do I have because self-reliance had failed us bottom line bottom line is that when when we grew up we grew up in a society that always tells us you know even as kids don't pick yourself up you could do this yourself you know and be self-reliant you know you can depend on yourself there are songs that say i did it my way and you know like everything is about how we can do it you know we could do it on our own. We don't need any help from anything else, and what we're going to see is that because of our self-reliance, it's going to fail us, and we're gonna see a chain reaction of our fears because just because I don't feel good enough doesn't necessarily mean I'm gonna go out and drink, but there's gonna be a chain action, but because I don't feeling good enough, I might feel abandoned. Because I feel abandoned, I might feel alone. Because i feel alone, I feel rejected. Because they feel rejected i might drink and then to drink is to die to dies in the unknown the unknown is no god no god means self-reliance has failed me i have to see that right that self-reliance see what i'm saying boom that's it that'sit it's not necessarily always going to be just that first column that's going to take me back out and it doesn't you know and sometimes for me, maybe it won't be to drink. Maybe it'll be to gamble, food, sex, porn, whatever, but eventually that is going to take me out to drink or to use, okay? Does this make sense so far? All right. We asked ourselves why we had them. Was it because self-reliance had failed us? Self-reiliance was good as far as it went, but it didn't go far enough. Some of us had once had great self-confidence but didn't fully solve the fear problem or any other, right? Oh, be self-confident. Like I need to take the word self and replace it with God. I don't need to be self confident. I need to be God confident. And that's what we're learning here. some of us once had oh i read that already when it made us cocky it was worse right right our ego thinks that i did this you know like like and that's where that the misconception of alcoholics anonymous being you know um a self-help program this is not ever it was never intended to be a self health program this was intended to be a god help program and for us to not to be sponsor reliant or self-reliant but there's a better way? We think so. For we are now on a different basis, the basis of trusting and relying upon God. We trust in infinite God rather than our finite selves, right? Do I believe that God is infinite? I know for a fact I'm finite. I'm not going to live forever even though I think I might. Some of us, right, think that. We know for effect we're given a God-given birth date. Yeah, I didn't pick the day to be born here and I'm not going to pick the day that I leave here. We also have a God-given sobriety day too. So we are finite. We have a beginning and we have an end. But God is infinite. I'm going to trust something. And for me it's not about trusting a higher power but for me it's about trusting the highest power. We are in the world to play the role he assigns, not I assign, right? We've been learning that throughout this whole work that we've been doing, right? We've been, even from the doctor's opinion, he's talking about, you know, you need to have a spiritual experience. We're looking here, we need to be relying on something that, right, not the things that I can do and I can accomplish, but I got to give credit where credit is due when good things happen in my life today. And it's what God has done in my life, not what I've done in My Life. I've had to change my whole thinking and my beliefs because I truly believe that when I, especially after looking at when we start to do this fear grid, self-reliance is going to fail me every single time. Just to the extent that we do as we think he would have us and humbly rely on him, does he enable us to match calamity with serenity? Does he? Ask that question. Can you answer that question? We never apologize to anyone for depending on our creator. I never apologize for anyone for, you know, I'm sorry, but, you know, I'm never sorry for believing in God and relying on God. We can laugh at those who think spirituality is a way of weakness. Paradoxically, it is the way of strength, right? It is also the way for courage. It is Also the way For Power. The verdict of the ages is that faith means courage. All men of faith have courage. One of my favorite sayings is a man is tallest when he's on his knees. they trust their god we never apologize for god instead we let him demonstrate through us what he can do we ask him to remove our fear and direct our attention to what he would have us be see i can't go sit into a therapist with a therapist and ask i've never heard a therapist say okay now we're going to cast out your fear right this is something that only god can do and and look by us writing all these, I mean, they're not going to be magically or miraculously cast out. But for us to be able to look at them and recognize them on paper and to see that I am driven by a hundred forms of fear is an epiphany. It's an awakening for us. And then to ask God to remove that. And when we sit in the fifth step and we go over that with the person across from us, And then when we sit in six and seven, you know, we can see what we find objectionable. I find it objectionable that I'm riddled by a hundred forms of fear, and I ask God to remove that. All right. At once we commence to outgrow fear. And then I'm going to quit right there because the next sentence is now about sex. All right? So, Pat, I'm gonna have... You want to go ahead and finish up? You did great. Do you want to have anything else? Do you just want to go over the fear grid? No. No, I think let's go through the fear grade. Want to go through the fear gray? Let's go for it. Does anyone have any questions on fear? Can everyone see that? No, I think I'm good. Yeah, I'm pretty well. Okay, good. Okay, yes. When I came in, I had three books. One of them was Heather's small, thin, big book and I left it somewhere. So if you have one of the 163 pages. Oh wait, I think there's one up here. Is that it? Okay, all right. Now the fun part, the fear grid. How many of you made copies of the fear-grid? Who needs a fear grid? I do. Okay. One of my of callings. One of my callings is a teacher. I'm a coach, so I still teach. Okay. We're going to pass these out. We are going to pass a couple of them out. Everybody take at least two and there's tape up here. The reason why I say that, take two. Hey, Michelle. Michelle, can I see yours really quick? This was online, right? This is the 11 by 16. Okay, all right. Grab two. There's 11 by 17, okay. Okay, I'm going to show you what your fear grid should look like, all right? This is the big one right here that I'm going to go through. We're going to write the fears on here so that that way you can see how we do it and I'm sorry if you're listening online and this isn't making any sense but if you take two, listen up on bbaworks.com underneath the tools there's two different options to print the fear grid there's a there's an eight and a half by eleven which is the ones that are handed out all right and what you want to do and just trust us on this is you want to take at least two of them and then tape them together so you've got them across like this okay because you may find that your fears or chain reaction the train chain reaction goes a little bit longer and so that way you have a a lot of extra squares okay um michelle because she's an overachiever like most of us alcoholics and addicts she uh there's an 11 by 17 on the on the um she went fancy she did she she went to the extent to like go to kinkos and have this printed so and it's already on on a big sheet of paper so if you have more fears going down you can just tape down instead of taping across and then taping down does that make sense so i know michelle she's i didn't have a printer i had to go to pedicure i i just printed on my home computer my home supercomputer doesn't have this so here this is perfect okay and so yeah so ifyou don't have if you don't have a fear grid and you want one or just you grab the ones that we have tonight go ahead and tape them together across crossways so that you have um yeah there you go uh uh side side by side side just grab that one john you take that one yeah oh go ahead yeah it doesn't matter whether it's portrait or landscape it doesn' t i'm just gonna make sure before i get into it it doesn''t whatever you like however you want to do it yeah okay all right i was afraid that okay all right so once we have our fear grid and we're looking at a blank fear grid grab listen up you guys grab one of your resentment inventories just grab the first one what you're going to find on a lot of your resentment inventories is your your fears are going to do what they're going repeat themselves are you going to repeat the same fear in the same column. Let me just differentiate what a column is. A column goes up and down, and a row goes across. Okay, in the same column, you never repeat the same fear, all right? So if, for instance, my mother-in-law, my first fear would be not good enough, right? So in that first box I'm going to write not good enough. I'm gonna write this on this big one here so that it makes sense, okay? Who's a good printer? Pat, you want to talk and then I'll print? You want to take a look at this? You want me to talk in it all right? That's fine, you can... Okay. You're already doing it. You can write good. She really wants me to say something. I don't want to write good stuff. Come on, you could do it. You could be Vanna tonight. I'm Vanna. Okay, not good now. Is that the column? Okay, so not good enough is in the first column. I will say that. Yeah, he'll put it there. So not good Enough. You guys get what you get. Yeah. Okay, so not Good Enough. So Not Good Enough is in the first box, right? Remember what the book said? Even though it's not related to the resentment, do I have the opposite of feeling good enough? I don't know. Personally, I don' Does anybody else? No? Fear of being good enough? I don't think so. I don' t know. I don''t think so Let's go vertical on about four or five fears and then we'll go column by column so they see Okay, so let's say the next fear that I have on here on my resentment inventory listen up on my resentments on my inventory my next fear is being disrespected fear of being disrage disrespected You guys write the fears that you have I'm just giving you examples of how it's supposed to look fear of being disrespected we're just going to do one resentment inventory and then we're going to go across do I have the opposite? do I want vertical? do I feel like I'm being disrageful? do I fear of having a fear of not being respected? absolutely not I don't, come on I'm not going to make this complicated disrespectful would probably be the same as being disrepectful wouldn't you say oh fear of you being disrespectful of you being disrespectful so you have a fear of being an asshole your fear of bein' an asshole that would be different than being disrespected yeah we put that in there yeah good okay it's good all right um that's good my next fear is fear of Being Unloved all right unloved so my mother-in-law makes me feel not I feel not good enough and I feel disrespected and not loved and then again under security I have disrespect it I'm not going to write it again oh do I have the opposite of feeling unloved do I have a fear of being loved yeah have you guys ever seen that movie friends with benefits right when the nurse is the doctor she's like let's just have you know we can just be sex partners i just don't want she didn't want to fall in love right yeah she had a fear of being loved exactly okay fear of being loved oh yeah friends with benefits yeah i thought you're talking about nurse jackie i'm sorry she was a doctor in the movie in the movies she was a doctor that just wanted to have sex yeah she didn'T want to have a relationship okay fear of what is wrong with her yeah yeah but all his friends are like dude come on like this is like the most perfect situation yeah all right all right we'll get into that all right so then uh my personal relationships um mother-in-laws mother-and-laws respect their daughter-in laws respect fear of being disrespected is not just sex relations um a real woman is loved by her mother-on-law fear of Being Unloved I'm not going to write that again and then she does and then affected by pocketbook um no one should have uh their name in their kids homes of fear of being um controlled so controlled fear of being being controlled how about being vulnerable being vulnerable being do you have a fear of Being In Control I'm just asking I don't I don't have a few I don' know about you two L's or one L controlled uh I think two Ls you're good Pat look at you're doing a great job all right so now we did this one resentment inventory, right? We've got the fears written down in the first, in the column. Okay. When I do my second inventory and I see any of those pop up again, right, I'm not going to repeat them. Okay, so it's always going to be something different in that first column. Now as I go across the row, here's how the rows are going to look. If I open up your workbook to page, what is it, 60, 64 64 69 is always sex inventory 69 is always sex I think it's even that way in the workbook too isn't it God is so funny I don't think that was ever planned I think God's just funny okay so let's look Okay, this is a perfect example of how my fears are a chain reaction of how I'm going to end up drinking and seeing that self-reliance is going to fail me. So if we look at number three, it says, why do I have this fear? Right, that's what it says in that corner on that fear grid, okay? Why do I Have This Fear? And then I go look at the example. It says, I have a fear of not being good enough. If I'm not good enough, I fear that I'll be unwanted. Unwanted. So put unwanted. Now this is just an example. You may not feel this change. Maybe if you have a fear of not being good enough, maybe your next feeling is just... What I'd like to do is I'd close my eyes and I like to just kind of ask myself and just feel what feels like the right word to go next, okay? But this is a great example of how it's supposed to look. Fear of not wanted. I have a fear of being unwanted. If I'm unwanted, I fear being alone. Being alone goes in the next box. If I am going across. If I are going across, all right? So we are going vertical now. Oh. Keep going. I am with you. So we're going to write being alone in. Unwanted is before alone. So here we are. We said not good enough, not wanted, and alone. Being alone. That's fine. And what we'll find though, if you go vertical, I'm disrespected, what's my fear on disrespecting you're fine go for it alright let's just do the one I don't know how to do it that way it's fine fear being alone because I fear the emotional pain of being alone so being alone if I'm unwanted I'll fear being alone, if I fear being along I fear the emotional pain. So emotional pain of being alone. So you write emotional pain. And that's exactly how the example is down here. After emotional pain, if I sit in my pain long enough, I fear I'll drink. And for that is to die. Right? If I fear drinking, for me to drink is to Die. No, just sit. Are you reading something on here? Out of the workbook. out of the workbook page 64 of your workbook this gives you your example of how to do this emotional pain if I sit in my pen long enough I fear I'll drink if fear drinking for me to drink is to die I fear dying because I fear the unknown unknown I don't know what dying means I fear the unknown because I feel there is no God i fear there is no god so i repeatedly trust self-reliance even though i fear self-reliance fails me and when you for self- reliance fails me just put srf self- Reliance fails me and that's how the top row will look as you go and you start writing across and you start writing a cross and the same word appears in the in that column only in that column do you cross it out yep all right so um so let's play with it okay let's go to disrespect okay yeah take self-reliance fail and put it back into not good enough how does that fit my question was like i'm running along so i get off from being alone all the way through and then it says i die if i die i fear being alone but it takes me back to the beginning again but if you're if you die if you die it's see look hold on for a second look here's the idea is to see this whatever order you see it and it's really not of importance what i want to do tonight what we want to do tonight is to show you how the big book awakening and how dan sherman wrote this all right dan shorman wrote this as a chain reaction so that you would see to drink is to die that dies the unknown unknown is no god no god self-reliance fails me the bottom line here what we want to see more importantly is not like is it this order because see for me how i look at it is if before i drink there's no god yeah that's how i looked at it and and look if you've been through the work a few times i've talked with tyla about this too and if if you went through the world a few times and that's the way in the order that you see that's order you see it but the very last box has to be self-reliance fails you okay you see what i'm saying see because for me all of a sudden no god no god god does not play a part no god to drink to drink is to die to die as the unknown unknown is self-reliance fails me see what I'm saying yeah okay so listen it don't don't get too hung up on like going if it's if it'S you know if I die I'M alone look at it it should have those five those five last boxes are always going to be the same all right drink die unknown no god self-reliance fails those five things are always gonna remain the same all right go ahead i had a sponsee that like she would she she's 20 years sober and she never she never saw herself relapsing and so she didn't put that on her fear grid that she would drink or use. She left drink or use out the whole thing. She saw no God and self-reliance failed in death, but she didn't see relapsing is happening. Maybe she wasn't a real alcoholic. I don't know. I'm not taking her inventory. If you're the real deal, certainly doesn't it? Yeah, absolutely. Hey Dawn, you had a question? I want But really, real important, the one thing that's really important as we go through this fear grid is, first of all, I've seen more people do it wrong. And I want to show you how to do it correctly, and that's just how to cross-sync things off. Can you say that once again? Yeah, so I see a lot of people do this wrong. Look, your answer to whatever comes next is never wrong, all right? but how we write the fear grid is what happens is people end up doing more writing than they need and that's why there's going to be some times when you're going to cross some things off so you don't have to continually write so much right it's already like crazy to look at and to do so now let's play with this one for a second let's go to the on the first column under disrespected okay yeah so we have this first item not good enough all the way flushed out to the very end okay and we'll talk more about what the self-reliance is looking like in a minute but let's go down to the second item in the first column because you know if you're if you like i think probably i had i don't know 100 plus fears you know my my first inventory it was a bunch yeah i thought god if i have to write fear grids for 100 i'm gonna die yeah it's gonna take forever and it won't and we're gonna flush that out right now so what we want to do here if I'm, I have a fear of being disrespected. If I'm disrespective, I fear not being liked. Good, good. Not liked. Let's put not liked. Okay. Fear of being disrespected, not liked, good Okay, keep going. Not liked is what? I fear, okay now I'm not like. Being alone? No. Alone? That's fine. It doesn't have to be. Don't overthink it Yeah. Alone. Alone, good do it okay now listen he put alone he put a loan listen so he put along so what is in that column see right above the column whatever the column is what word I just crossed it off guess what you cross it off and go the next one so So I don't have to do any more on disrespect because it showed up right here, and I know that it's going to go alone, emotional pain, and drink. Because they're all the same thing. Got it? Even if... Dots connected. You see it? Dots connecting. Even if alone shows up like five blocks down and alone is five. Cross it off. I'm a visual learner. You need to like, bam. All right, okay. Let's do the next one. Let's get the next ones. So now we go back to the first column. Give us a chance, buddy. Okay, we go Back to the First Column. Patience, patience. I'm afraid I'm not going to be loved. If I'm Not Loved, I'm Afraid of What? Abandoned. Abandon. Abandon's good. Let's do it. That's fine. What's that? Abandon its own fear. Abandon it. But then can you put abandon as a fear in the first column? Yes. Yes, as long as it doesn't show up in the same column. Yay! Okay, because some of these will go all the way across. Now I'm afraid I'm going to be abandoned. After abandon comes what? Alone. Come on, let's go. But I mean, you can flush it out. Seriously, and what you're doing with this, you take this stuff to prayer. You're taking this stuff into prayer, you're saying okay if I'm abandoned what's gonna happen emotional pain no it's not the same not in the same column okay I hope this is making sense for the people that are listening to this online Without that board, they got no hope. Exactly. That's a fear. So now, emotional pain, what? Emotional pain. Drink. I have isolation. Drink. Drink. To drink. Yeah, emotional paint. Feel emotional pain is to drink, so put drink down. But he... In my eyes, I isolate myself. And by the way... Perfect. In my head, you drink. you guys on this sometimes depending how where you're at with this stuff if you get to the emotional pain right here even though it's not in the same column it's showing up right here you know where it's going yeah but I mean if you want to flush it out just to make sure flush it down maybe something else will come yeah but if it doesn't if it starts going drink die unknown then you can stop it makes sense yeah but just go ahead and write it out anyway because it's not in the same column so just write it out sure just write it out okay so we got drink drink if i drink then what's going to happen i die can you yep die is the unknown okay are you right upside down good unknown yeah and then unknown no god self-reliance fails srf so we're gonna be just one step behind that's right that's right all right no god srf all right okay next one we'll do we'll do one more and then what pat and i will do is we'll go around the room and then we're help we'll help you guys okay all right yeah yeah and here let me make one statement because i think is everybody getting this yeah just don't leave this so the self-reliant thing it's pretty important how are you really trying to manage the fear that you know like if i'm right i really am i'm feeling like you know disrespected that's a big one for almost everybody you know i don't want to be disrespected i'm not feeling good enough what are my attempts on my self-reliant behavior to manage not being disrespectful people please my people please what else do i do like anger like try to reverse that fear yeah maybe get dominant on somebody basically i start to reveal bad behaviors exactly yep passive aggressive i might overeat i might over shop i might gamble i might overrun i mean we can all fill in the blank but at the end of the day did it stop the fear did it quench the fear didn't eradicate the right of being disrespectful so is it an affirmative that self-reliance all my attempts to manage this just being disrespect did it work no that's srf srl but i mean now we've we put some legs to what does it mean self-reliance failed me i mean how did it fail me one of the questions if you really want to flush it out in the in the book is self-reliance fails me it was good as far as it went in other words some of my attempts to be self- reliant as far As not being disrespected okay not be disrespected i'm gonna i'm going to know it more that i'm going to get more degrees my way in business was i got more freaking designations and education than everybody else at my age in my profession yeah all right and still i was freaking out that i am not going to be respected still yeah so it didn't work does it make sense yeah and if that didn't worked i am going to study more i am gong to do this more i will get together i am getting the right group of people so that if they like me then everybody has to get in line the right car disrespect all those attempts are what self-reliant and the question i ask myself deep down inside is god if all this stuff that i'm trying to do to eliminate this fear which is going to eventually drive me where to drink and if i'm a real alcoholic is drinking a solution i mean it's going to kill me yeah i mean really if you're an advanced real alcoholic real addict the choice of going back to the drink it's not like well if i have a bad day i'll come back next week to bba that's not the thought process folks i mean my thought is if i go out it's it's curtains so i take these fears really seriously i go shoot man if this disrespect thing is really gnarling me up i've got to have god remove this because all my attempts are not working that's where i get to and so i might have four or five fears that yeah self-reliance fails me but i got some core fears i'm not liked i'm disrespected i don't want to be vulnerable i don'T WANT TO GET HONEST i'm not spiritual enough they'll find out it's gonna be i'm a fraud mm-hmm it's whatever those fears that they keep and another word for fear is anxiety and worry and what worry shame right shame's up there yeah shame yeah shame's out there but i mean if you if you trigger on the words not trigger like in recovery speak right but just worry anxiety and fear if you're worried about something over and over andover and over again that's a fear if you have anxiety when you wake up or going through the day about something that's afear yeah make sense yeah so where this takes us in the process and leon's done a great job with this is all of my attempts to manage this fear on my own, self-reliant behavior, self-reliant thinking, self reliant belief system. Did it work? And if I come to the conclusion on each one of these, it didn't work. Then I'm humbled once again, just like I was in step one. I'm a real alcoholic I cannot drink successfully I am bodily, mentally different than my fellows that's just the way it is I have no power no choice, no control I can't even manage this fear I need God just as much as I need God in my first step I need god in my fourth step just as I do in the third step just as in the second step let's work on some of these fear uh doing the grid also like pat said these these fears are not there are fears that we have like having a fear of snakes is a good fear having a peer of bears in the forest is a good fear we're talking about debilitating fears that keep us blocked from god right a fear snakes does not keep me blocked from God someone asked me that a lot of fear sharks it's a fear it doesn't keep me block i got to look at yes i do too i think we all do i have these These are fears that keep me blocked from God. These are fear that will eventually lead me to drink, right? And to drink is to die, all right? And real quick, if we go back on page 62, it talks about this. It says that we think this is the root of our troubles. Selfishness and self-centeredness we think is the route of our trouble. Driven by a hundred forms of fear, self-delusion, self seeking, and self pity. We step in the toes of our fellows and they retaliate. Sometimes they hurt us seemingly without provocation, but invariably we find that sometime in the past we have made decisions based on self, which later places us in a position to be hurt. So this is what we're trying to see. We're tryingと see and be unblocked of these things. Because if I have a fear of being financially incapable, that's putting more trust in my fear than in God. I have to believe that God's got my back. And at least, you know, God wants us to prosper. God wants to love us. God wants uns to be free of these fears, right? And the only way that we're going to be able to do that is if he can cast that out, right, not me, not a new car, not a job, not new boyfriend, not girlfriend. You know, this is all about being rid of these fear, okay? All right. So we're gonna go... Yeah. Okay. Let's go around for a second. Yeah. No. Let's look around. So I'm going to put this on pause. That was great. Thank you. Good job. Oh, do we? Okay. And then we'll go around. Okay. I'm just going to leave this going. I'm not going to do that. I get it. Does somebody? Okay. Does someone want me to do the next? Who wants to do my next one? I think my professor and I were like, this is the shit. You're fear-brained? I brought it. Yeah. No. Yay. Yay, yay, yay. I didn't know that it was a deal. They texted me. I have Mike, so... That's why I heard you telling Zach and I was like... Mike VA. I have another Mike, Mike VRS from Behavioral Rehabilitation Services and I just thought it was him because I was texting him earlier and he never texted me back but I looked him up because he posted something on Facebook and I said, you look like you should get out of shape Oh my God, that's crazy. And then he texted through, I'm like, Matt, so I just saw Mike in the B. That was me, Matt. I was like over here and I was looking at you. Wait, same response? Yeah. Nothing's changed. Same response for me too. I love that, man. I texted Zach. You're a baby, you're a big baby. And this is when he texted me back, Zach. I texted him out of camera. We haven't got a solution yet. And we'll be done. Five and then twelve. I know. We're going for five and twelve. That's our pact? Nothing keeps a man sober more than intensive work with another alcoholic. I really want to stay sober, so I better do intensive work and show them how it's done. Sorry. No, that's okay. Yeah, so they'll have, like, one piece like this. Oh, okay. He's like... Do you have more? Yeah, guys, you don't have to be so close. Except, yeah. Three by one hundred. You won't have as many of these. I'm doing it on the side. You have a chance. Put it on there. I didn't have a couple of those. That's all right. I'm sorry. What's that? I'm so worried because the last two times my thing is like just completely wiped out the recording, so it's hard to prepare right now. I'm not gonna touch it. Okay, guys. Everybody? I think everybody's getting it pretty well. Is anybody still feeling confused at all? Which is okay if you are, we'll talk about it. All right. Hey, I want to share a thought. And I can't prove this, but I am almost positive Bill Wilson knew this guy. There's Bill Wilson, you know. Hey you guys, listen up! Okay, let's see... Okay... So, there is I grew up in Colorado and this would be a quick analogy, but it's going to make a lot of sense, I think. I grewup in Colorado, and one of the things I used to do is I used to teach junior high kids how to do rock rappelling. So we'd find a 100-foot cliff and throw a rope over the cliff and attach them into a carabiner, figure eights, and show them how to go off. We'd have a blade guy down below. Anybody here done any repelling at all? A few? A lot of you guys. Okay, cool. We're at it. If you haven't done any controlled repelling, it's freaky as all heck when a kid gets on the rope because there's a moment of truth that hits the kid. You go through all this stuff. It's about building confidence and faith and all this other stuff but the rope represents god okay and we have to depend on god but there's a way to depend on god just the fact that we believe in god did that save us from the drink or the drug no it didn't save us everybody agree with that that was dr bob's experience I mean, if Bill Wilson would have led with that with Dr. Bob saying you've got to believe and trust in God, I think Dr. Rob would have ushered him right out the door. He had to get real with what was the condition and then look at the spiritual solution. So if the rope represents God, here's what happens. You get a little 13-year-old kid that gets on this rope, and they're all big talk, big talk. It's all going to be good until they get on the rope and they start to step over the edge. and when they step over the edge here's the cliff right here okay and the first action that the kid wants to do is he wants to hold on to the rope like this and he wants a sort of hug the cliff going down and you'll just watch the kid just about dying he's shaking and in the end he's not feeling any support from the rope but it's all on his own and so the instructor has to say to the kid you've got to let the rope do its work lean back and relax lean back are you kidding me lean back kid quit hugging the cliff and do what's unnatural lean back and the farther you get leaning back on the rope and letting the rope do what it does all of a sudden the kid could let loose of the rope and he won't fall he literally his feet are against the cliff he's leaning back his back is parallel with the ground and he starts smiling because he's relaxed and he can hold on to the rope with two fingers and stop his downward momentum if he wanted to. We need to learn how to lean back and rest in God. Does that make sense? Let me share this last part of this story with you. Think about that, though, okay? This is from a guy named E. Stanley Jones. and E. Stanley Jones was a guy that actually was the author that Martin Luther King listened to to do his civil rights movement and is also the author that Gandhi listened to to do as passive resistance in India E. Sanley Jones and he has eerily similar things to the big book that I swear Bill Wilson knew about. I just can't prove it yet. I'm going to keep on looking. But this is pretty cool because, you know, I always think about this faith in God thing as it's my effort. It's my efforts. I've got to be the one working on this faith. I've gotta do all this work. This is a coolest statement. I take my little... I take faith I take faithfulness and my faith as a first step and then you will go on to something infinitely better faith in God's faith. With faith in god's faith you can do anything that ought to be done faith is not merely you holding on to god it is god holding onto you god will not let you go does that help? so when we're going through this fear grid take note of that, that's all I had and so now we're done for the night let's talk about the next week's assignment which is Simon 18 all right Oh money money money my money let's already paid Matt he's good Matt thank you okay so next week assignment is the sex inventory all right so let's talk about that for a second so here's what you have to do it's gonna be a little bit of a busy week for you you want to finish up any resentment inventory that's going on okay you want finish up your fear inventory that's going on all right and then in your guide it's assignment number 18 and let me pull it up for just second yep I got it no I'm good thanks John and on assignment number eighteen I'm just gonna read it real quickly we're going to complete the fear grid as shown on page 64 and 65 in the BBA workbook we're gonna read from page 68 the bottom now about sex through page 71 and then in the bba we're going to put in our big book the writing that's in our BBA workbook from pages 71 to 74 and so those pages in the BBA workbook are going to go in to the sex inventory which is from page 68 the bottom of page 71. So the big assignment next week is make a list of the relationships and let's just do the major relationships and so some of us we have crazy history there this isn't about uh enumerating the 72 one night stands all right group it like those i don't know their name yeah or whatever it is i'm not making light of it high school yeah yeah your major relationships okay there you got plenty of time to do this over and over again so you're gonna put each name on the top of a separate inventory sheet and the cool thing about the sex inventory it's a straightforward process you're going to write on page let's see here on page 69 that great page 69 the motives for getting into the relationship my specific conduct in the relationship you know just the high points what was going on major points that came up in the relationship how it ended and then you're going to ask the nine questions which are the next page on page 70 of the bba workbook we're doing that this week yep yep on top of the fear yep you'll get it the fear grid will come fast it really will yeah it'll go fast and the week after you got you got some makeup time after next week so what you want to do and we're going to be talking about the fear inventory next week tyler and i'll be talking about that but you wantto have those major relationships on the page you want to be able to look at the history of that relationship from page 69 the bba workbook okay and if you can take a take a little bit of a shot on the nine questions on page 70 the workbook okay and those nine questions are where i've been selfish where i'd been dishonest where i'm inconsiderate whom did i hurt did i arouse jealousy suspicion bitterness where was i at fault I think the instructions initially were just to turn out 10 of these, right? Yeah. Yeah, turn out ten. Yeah, ten of them. That'd be great. No, no, it's fine. And so, you guys, it feels like you're doing a lot, but really you're just finishing up your resentment inventory if there's any fourth column still hanging out there. The fear inventory is going to go pretty darn fast. The sex inventory, give it some prayer time. This isn't about what's right or wrong. this is about just writing down those major relationships okay and that will be the assignment for next week everybody pretty clear on that really quick on the second inventory it's not like the resentment inventory so don't get that confused it's basically a series of questions and you answer the questions yep it's really like I need this to be okay alright is everyone clear on now so don' t think it's going to be as confusing but what you're doing is you're compiling all this information so that when you go into your fist if you have it already all right this is your life story all right when it says that we write our life story your resentment inventory your fear grid your sex inventory and the sex ideal that they're going to talk about next week that is your like story yep all right that's your life stories in that that way when we go into business like I said we're gonna take a week off after next week. Come next week! Come next week! Next week! Make sure you don't take off. Why are we taking a week off? I don't get that. Fist steps. Because we're doing fist steps. You're going to meet with your partner, your step partner or your sponsor and you're gonna do fist steps and fist steps literally can take hours. Yep. Days even. But, any kind of inventory can take a lot of time. And between Pat and I, we have a lot So that's why we're taking an extra week off. Kyla, if she was doing this, she takes a whole month off. I don't like that because I think what happens is you lose the momentum of the group. We're not going to do that to you guys. So please stay on top of your work. Make sure that you're getting it done. Spend a few minutes every night just getting it down and staying on top of it. It's like homework. Don't cram the night before the exam, please. You know, just get a little bit done each night and then that way it's all done and you don't have to be like, you know, spinning your wheels before your fifth step or not having it done when you can't meet with your sponsor. Because it's really important. Like I said, we're only taking two weeks off to do this. We're not taking a month off. We don't want time to catch up. Stay caught up on it now. Also, after tonight when we close, I'm going to do a couple more of these on here. So if you want to stay and watch me do a few more, a couple of more on here, then I will. Okay, cut. Excellent. Hey, gather it up. Let's do some prayer. We're going to do the third set of prayer. Can you ask if somebody can take the speakers and be here tomorrow? I might be a little late. I have some stuff to move from storage. Oh, sure. I don't want to be late. You bet. Hey, who's coming here tomorrow night for the meeting? I am. Oh, yeah.