Resentment Inventory and Realization – Awakening Workshop – Part 9 of 18 – Local AA Speakers

all right we're all set pat alcoholic recovered who's recovered in here ah we got some that's good who's becoming recovered yeah yeah yeah there you go gotta click your heels twice do all the steps and have that spiritual experience life will be good All right, tonight we are going to finish up on the third column. We're going to go over the last three items in the third column and also we're going to do the top of the fourth column, realization. And I think it's assignment number 16. So that will be what we're going to get started with in here in a second. What other announcements do we have to make? I think that's about it. Any other announcements that I'm missing that normally we start out with? I don't think so. In one of those days. Hi, how is Nancy? And Nancy, hey great, thank you for asking. Nancy is doing great. She believes that she might actually even be able to be here next week. So awesome. She's really doing well. So we'd love to have her back obviously and so hopefully that's going to happen. So let's do this. Let's start out. Oh man. Let's start out with the, how about your BBA? Oh, the BBA or the workbook? The BBA. Yeah, we'll start out the prayer. Thank you. Okay. Okay, and then so let's go to the third column. And it's page... Let's go up to page 53 of the BDA workbook, and we'll sort out with our prayer, okay? Thank you, guys. Man, look at this turnout. Now, you guys are warriors. I don't think we've lost maybe five, maybe ten people. Maybe. And I sort of doubt that. This is great. All right, so let's start with the prayer, and then we are going to go into a five-minute meditation and get rocking and rolling. Everybody ready? All right. Prayer on page 53 of the BBA workbook. Here we go. God, please help me face and be rid of the things in myself which have been blocking me from you, other people, and myself. All right. Can everyone make sure their cell phones are on silent, please? Thank you. Sound good? Yep. Good deal. All right! Michelle, would you turn that on? Right behind the door. There you go. Thanks. All right. All right, Pat Alcoholic. I thought we'd do a quick recap of last week. Was that helpful, doing some more work in the third column last week? Did you guys get some more clarity on that? Okay, I think it's important. Like, you know, Leanne and I were talking about it, and then obviously Tyler and I went over it last week. You know, my experience with doing this inventory is that you get better doing it as you do it. You just do. And you've got to do it a bunch of times. And the more you do with other people, the more it becomes clear. And the more that you take this through, just experiment with this as you go forward. But as a quick recap from last week, we went over the first four parts of the seven areas of self last week. And we started out with the conversation that, hey, the reason we do this inventory is so that we get unblocked. this isn't this big self-awareness journey where you know the idea here is to know myself better that's going to happen as a byproduct but the real purpose of this thing has just one one one purpose that's to get unblocked to a power that we need real alcoholics real addicts we need If we don't have, we're going to end up going back to the drink. If we go back to The Drink with our experiences out of Step 1, it is not going to be good. And a lot of times we don'T even die. We are like armadillos and we just turn into some miserable creatures that no one wants to be around. And we have to do the best we can blotting out our miserable existence. Seriously, it's just ugly. It really is. It's just ugly. so the way that we presented on last week was this inventory process is best viewed if we understand that we're trying to run the show remember down to the third step we talk about we are actors and we're just trying to Run The Show and the way That We Try To Run The Show Is We Want Everybody Around Us To Do What They're Supposed To Do And If They Do what they're supposed to do, we're all going to be okay. Like if you guys would just get on page and do what I want you to do. You're going to Be happier. And I know I'll be happier because you're going to BE happier with me. I'll BE happy with you. We're all gonna be good. It's all gonna be kumbaya. And as long as you don't live in that position, there's gonna be conflict, right? Because you're not doing what I want you to do. So the stage is set, and everybody has to do what I wanted them to do, and so I set up my stage character, and I'm the director, I'm sitting out in the audience, I'm looking up at the stage, and I's going to go through these seven areas of self. I'm going to be on stage, but I'm directing as a director, and I've got a picture of myself, and I'll be watching you interact with me, and I've got a picture in my mind about how that interaction is supposed to go and when it doesn't go right it's a resentment so let's talk about self-esteem you're supposed to treat me in a certain way because I am a certain way I'm the best I'm a good I'm good enough I'm a great worker and you're not giving me the respect I deserve um i'm a great i'm a great wife i'm a great husband i'ma great boyfriend my great girlfriend you know i'm a great friend and you guys aren't getting on page and acknowledging how great i am does it make sense and so i'm interacting on this stage and i'm watching you the other actor in the play not reading your assigned lines i've given you lines and you're not obeying not only you are not obeying you don't seem to be even interested in obeying what I have in mind does that make sense it's almost like you don' t care about my sensitivity, my needs it's sort of a sad situation and then what about pride that's that second area right and we described it last week as pride is the opposite side of the self esteem coin self esteems starts out with the statement i am dot dot dot the pride area of the seven areas of self starts out with how do you i others should others should not others should see others should view and then it's dot dot so as an example let's say i'm the i say i'M THE BEST HUSBAND EVER as an example karen would mightily disagree with that my wife well let's say just for a second i was delusionally based which i get a lot and i say to karen i'm a great husband you should acknowledge how great i am so what if i don't do the dishes when we have this agreement that i do the dishes and you're busy and i have time i'm sitting on the couch watching tv and i'm not doing the dishes i've been tired i've had a rough day i shouldn't have to do the dishes i'm a great husband how do i want karen to see me in the pride side how do I want to be viewed by others out there in the play I want another everybody else to realize what a wonderful catch I am I want everybody to realize when a wonderful husband I am and boy wouldn't they be lucky to have Pat as their hubby. Yeah, you guys be running for the hills, I tell you. But do you see where I'm going with that? Do you see how I'm a great husband, others should see me as a great catch. Others should see us having it all together as a husband. Others should just see me a wonderful, caring, generous, loving, doting husband. Make sense? so i've i got these lines that karen my wife is supposed to say heather okay speak it up real loud in general that's correct heather's question for you on the tapes that are listening is it's not the pride is not how i want that person to see me it's how i want everybody to see because it's my image folks that i'm trying to project and protect out there make sense so whenever you see me having it all together that's important to me all right let's go on in this same screen is in the same stage play let's Go On To Ambition so the scene is Karen's upset with me because I didn't do the dishes I didn't walk the dog you know I knocked over the trash whatever it is I'm just using an example and she starts nagging at me she starts yelling at me and she started saying man you're really disappointing me you didn't do all this stuff it's sort of funny it actually hadn't happened like this for a long time but there's a lot of times it did and so what did I want to have happen in this scene I'm watching Karen talk to me as the husband, she's the wife and out of the scene just on the surface I wanted her to just ignore my not taking care of my duties at the house i wanted to just ignore it i didn't want her to pay any attention to the fact that i didnít do what i told her i would do i wanted just to ignore it make sense by the way if youíre writing your third column and you donít have a little bit of like oh my god that is embarrassing if you're not a little embarrassed like i uh geez this looks pretty shallow this looks pretty pretty selfish and self-centered if you don't have that reaction you're not getting to your truth in the third column because the third column is all about me putting on my whiny little boy pants my little pampers and not getting my way all right so the ambition is saying karen ignore all the stuff that i'm not doing and just concentrate on what i am doing i want you to see all the good in me i don't want you to ignore all the bad in me that's what i want out of the scene make sense so let's go on to security you'll love this i need not to change and others to be okay with that to be okay. Let me say it again. I don't want Karen to nag at me, and I don�t particularly want to do what I'm supposed to be doing. So if that happens, what does that do for me inside? Remember just like self-esteem is the opposite side of the coin of pride, Ambition is the opposite side of the coin of security. Karen's going to ignore all the stuff I'm not doing, so what does that do for me inside? Another way to put it would be this. I need to know that no matter what I do, Karen's gonna love me, to be okay. that there's no consequence for my actions i'll still be okay that work that's an inside condition can you see the difference so on the outside i don't want her to be yelling at me and if she doesn't do that that validates inside i don'T have to change or do anything and she'S still going to love me. I'm going to be okay. Make sense? Isn't that like a good thing? Well, isn't that supposed to be It's a pretty You know what? That's a great question. And this is something like, you know, individually as God brings stuff to us, you don't You know, it wasn't working for me because it kept jamming Karen up and making her really sad the way I was acting. Okay? She asked well, isn't it a good things to have that kind of loving attitude that no matter what, the other person is going to love me no matter why. Right? I think that's the definition of love is to love somebody no matter how much they do. I think it's a great definition on one side but I could use it. It's a good definition It's also a great definition of love to say people I mean love a person no matter what. Okay? I mean I'm going sort of quickly on this just as a recap but we can go into a lot of detail but basically love another person without without a condition unconditional love my real life experience with unconditional love is that doesn't work it's not working for it didn't work for our relationship but I mean I'm not trying to turn this into this resentment in turn I was trying to give you some examples rich yeah I mean oh yeah tell them the truth get it to the get it on the table all that good stuff yeah okay let's go on though okay so we've talked about as an example that's all i'm trying to throw out here example of the picture we got this drama going on this drama called life but now instead of having god as my director i'm the director so my self-esteem is at risk because you're not role playing correctly karen get it together and she's not doing that and then you collectively as a group aren't seeing me the way that i want to be viewed that's my pride ambition usually pretty straightforward it's just hey what would have not irritated me you know what do i want To have happen out of the scene and then the security answers the question okay it didn't happen i mean now it happened just the way you wanted it to happen pat what does that do for you inside that answers the question what do i need to be okay does that make sense so that's where we leave off from last week self-esteem pride ambition security and now i'm going to turn it over to our rock star from the Boston Marathon successor Leanne come on up Leanne real alcoholic it's so good to be back I'm not gonna get into it because it was a hot day that's all I gotta say but I made it and I got to run with my daughter so dream come true true. Okay, enough of that. All right, so back to resentment inventory. So thank you Pat for that lead. I got to listen to a little bit of last week and I'm really glad that we're taking our time and going through this because sometimes I get really caught up in knowing it and so I go through it a little quickly too. So I'm Really glad that Pat was so thorough last week going through it and having Tyler here was such a blessing and um i think we're going to have her again next week yeah next week too um so you get this is my busy season too so um i for for work and so i'm in a couple more weeks um i think you're gonna have tyla again like three at the end of may anyway so um i'm really glad that we were able to so everybody's really clear on those first seven areas of self right and how to do the first column second column And I think we'll get a little bit more clear as far as principal inventory, institutions, and things like that as we finish the rest of this column. But before I do that, I want to go back because I think it's really important to look back at the third step just really quick. I'm not going to spend too much time here. Only because when we did the third steps and we read the arrangements, the ballet, remember that whole story? this is a precursor to what we are going to see in this third column, is me being the director of the show. And we changed this to personalize it ourselves. So it says, if Leanne's arrangements would only stay put, if only the people would do as Leanne wished right? When we did this, was this making sense to you when we wrote this in our book? Like whatever, if we wrote Mike or Michelle, right? It made sense. I was like, oh my gosh the show would be great right if my mother-in-law would only do and act as i think she should act i would be pleased right i could write it like this life would be wonderful in trying to make these arrangements leanne may sometimes be quite virtuous she may be kind considerate patient generous even modest and self-sacrificing on the other hand leanne maybe mean egotistical selfish and dishonest why do i get that way because i'm not getting my way and you're not behaving the way I want you to behave, right? Leanne. But as most humans, Leanne is more likely to have varied traits and I can see that. What happens is the show doesn't come off very well. Leanne begins to think life doesn't treat her well, right. If only my mother-in-law didn't act that way, you know, well why does she have to be that way? Life is just not treating me that way. Treating me well. Neanne decides to exert herself even more. She becomes on the next occasion, still more demanding or gracious as the case may be. Still, the play does not suit her. Admitting she may be somewhat at fault, Leanne is sure that other people are more to blame. Does that make sense? And now can we see when we go over to look at this third column, like this is my stage, right? This is my state and this is how I need things to look. And these are preconceived ideas of how a relationship, this specific relationship with a person in the first column is supposed to be. Whether it be my husband, whether it be an employee, whether it'd be my kids, whether be my mother-in-law. And a few weeks ago I went over this with about my mother in law and look, this is nothing about like, okay, writing this resentment inventory. We're not yet. We'RE going to see, we'RE going TO see that sometimes these people were wrong and we were right to be pissed off, right? We had every right. Sometimes they were 90% and 10%, like 90% wrong and maybe we were 10% or maybe, I don't know, maybe when we look at them as 100% right. But the point is, I have to be able to see how I react and why I am resentful at this person, right. My mother-in-law, right, I went over this a couple weeks ago and I'm going to recap this really quick and I am going to go over the first four areas before I get to the fifth one. But my mother-in-law, she told me I couldn't wear a veil to my wedding because I wasn't a virgin. She wore white to my wedding. She snubs me and she treats me disrespectful. She called me tacky. And another thing that I didn't mention last time was that she treated me and my family like we were below her because we're Filipino. And she, you know, and she was prejudiced, extremely prejudiced of anybody that wasn't white so my target is she's a bitch okay boom right drop the mic okay so how did so do you see well of course I'm gonna be upset of course I'm going to feel a little bit resentful to this person right because I have a preconceived idea of how a mother-in-law should be as a little girl before I got married you know as girls usually do We fantasize about how our relationship with our mother-in-law and our husband is supposed to look. And I've carried this with me my whole life, you know, despite that I became a despite that I was an alcoholic, despite all that, I still had an idea of how I was supposed to look in a relationship in this relationship between my mother-In-Law and me one day that I didn't even know who my mother in law was, but I carried it with me my whole wife. and then when she, when I got a mother-in-law like this, right? That self-esteem was, I'm a respectable person. I'm great daughter-in law. Fear of being not good enough and fear of being disrespected, right. Does that make sense? Is it see how clear that that is now? Now that may not be the case and how you feel in your situation with maybe the mother-on-law or father-inlaw that you are resentful at. But for me, that makes sense. And that's clear to me. That's, That's my realization for this self-esteem. Pride, how I think others see or feel about me, right? The role I've assigned others. Others should see that I'm a lovable person. Others should say that I am a respectable person. Fear of being unloved and disrespected. Ambition, what I want to happen here. start the sentence with i want my mother-in-law to respect and adore me fear of being disrespected fear of Being judged and ignored But do you see and then when I go through these when I got through these fears We're going to see how these fears make perfect sense with everything in relation to this person all right security what I need here to be okay start the sentence with I need to be admired and respected to be ok fear of being ignored fear of being invisible because I really felt invisible around her you know I was I wasn't treated differently and fear of fear of being ignored. All right, so now we're going to get to personal relationships. My deep-seated beliefs on how this relationship is supposed to look. I told you how I thought it was supposed to look ever since I was a little girl, how a relationship with a mother-in-law and a daughter-in law is supposedと look, and how I fantasized how it was suppose to be one day, but apparently I didn't marry into that. So mother-in-laws, and we started off with whoever we're talking about in that first column. If that person in your first column is your spouse, you would start it off with husbands or wives. If it's your daughter, daughters, so on and so forth, right? In this case, it's my mother-and-law. Mother-in laws have a loving and respected relationship with their daughter-in-laws. Again, I'm starting to see a pattern here of these fears, right? And it's all about not being loved and being disrespected and judged. See what I'm saying? Okay. All right. Is everybody clear on that? Does that one make sense? Any questions on personal relationships? On personal relations? I'm sorry. Good. Do we want to do that as we do each one or should we go through all three go through all three and then we'll get you guys up here perfect okay sex relations so this gets a little confusing and it did for me and I know it does for a lot of people because we think sex as you know having sex thank you very much all right but this it's my deep-seated belief of how real men and or real women women are supposed to be and how I was taught to write this, is if the person who's writing this is a woman, you start it off as a real woman. If it's a man writing this, you started off as real man. Disregard who's in the first column. And this is think of this, think of the word sex as gender. All right, for the gender of the person that's writing resentment inventory. Does that make sense? Is that how you were taught to do it? okay so a real woman all right is respected by everyone fear of being disrespected okay right michelle would write a real one is right mike would write a real man okay gary would write a real just right we take the first person out of it and just look at how We believe men and women should be, right? Okay. Yes. But because we did in personal relationships, we're kind of talking about the other person. Yes. In personal relationships. Right. Yeah. We're going. That's right. The flip side of the coin. So we're going into, we're each individual one is something different. So yes. And then when they're like, you know, Also, are you showing about going into the opposite gender? Are you talking about the oppositegender at all? I'm not. You want to talk about it? Yeah, just for a second. So occasionally, you don't have to do this all the time, but sometimes it's helpful. When I'm looking at the sex relations, sometimes I have a pretty strong belief system on how a real woman should act in any situation. A guy, I'm sitting there going, okay, a real guy, a real man does this, this, and this. A real man never shows weakness. A Real Man, like in this example for where Leanne is going with her mother-in-law, you know, a Real Woman is respected, right? And because it's a mother-In-Law in this situation, there's probably not a reason to do the opposite, the gender. But occasionally you're going to find a place where the person you're ticked off with is the opposite sex. So you're gonna get done with your own side of your, as a man, what do I believe should have happened here? But I get sideways on how the real woman should act. Like, you know, like you've heard some of my resentments around the farm where we live with some of the ladies that are around that area, they're not acting right. Well, a real woman doesn't act that way. A real woman is respectful. A real women tells the truth. A real one does blah, blah, bla. Sometimes when I'm writing my sex relations, it's helpful to have that belief system thrown out there on the page. Does that make sense? Kenny. So my thinking with that is personal relationships you're already writing on that person. what you think they should act as a real wife which i would assume would include as a real woman as a this wife you know should act this way so really the sex relationship should be more about me as a man how do i handle this situation with my wife a real man walks away from his wife when there's issues in the marriage or whatever belief i have right from childhood or from the men in my life that I adopt that's either negative or positive based on my gender construct gotcha the personal relations is the characters opposite me and so then the sex relations is I'm writing on the character my character yeah yeah like in the roles on the personal relations like leanne said and i'm going to turn it back over to leanne but it's it's the role what's the rule here it's mother-in-law to a daughter-in law right and then regardless of the gender doesn't matter it's just the role right and then in the sex relations kenny's right most of the time you're going to capture that first part in the role but sometimes i just want to put it out there to you if if you want to explore it take a look at what you believe about yourself as a real woman if you're a woman as a man if you are a man or a real man or what a real women should be doing and then sometimes I consider the opposite sex to take a look at what belief systems I have around that because I had some really twisted up attitudes about women go figure right third marriage it took a while to figure out a little bit of stuff so anyway I'm going to turn it back over to Leanne this is a thought okay all right okay all right and then the last one is everyone clear on the sex relation everybody's clear on it a real woman is respected by everyone because I'm looking at my role here and my role is that is respect in this you know I have no respect and that's another example that's on one of those things it says a real woman commands respect yeah in this case I feel a real women is respected by everyone everyone in the family alright it's not realistic but it's a preconceived idea of what i have of how it how it should look like it's what i want i want everybody to respect me i want respect so a real that i mean whether it's realistic or not to obtain you're right it's probably not realistic but is it what i wants absolutely you know i want to be respected especially in this situation this this situation with this specific person in the first column is this part of me is crying out because she's treating me this way. Sure. I mean, is it realistic? I don't know. None of this is realistic. None of the way I think is, right? I'm the most respected person. I'm a person who has a lot of love. I'm not the most lovable person. Is that realistic? No, but is that what I want? That's my deep-seated belief about this situation. Yes. Isn't that the whole point of this? That's right. exactly that's why like pat was saying earlier if you're going through this and you're going oh my god i'm freaking ridiculous you know you're supposed to be like that yeah then you're doing it right you're doing it wrong you're right if you think oh my God I'm such an idiot like I cannot believe it but because it's true it's our deep-seated belief right we would never verbally come out and say I should be respect like I would never come out of my mouth you know but I know I feel that way inside. See what I'm saying? It's how I feel inside. I'm not going to verbally come out and say it, unless you're at the podium, and I'm doing a resentment inventory, and i'm writing on seven areas of self. I'm writing it out. I'm seeing what I never normally would say out loud. See what I am saying? Does that make sense? Okay. Alright. Okay. Any more questions on this one? Yes. That's right. it's another way great great word exactly seven areas of your ego exactly perfect yeah yeah that that probably will be make is does that make it more clear for some of you seven areas if your ego okay yeah yeah okay Mike anyone want to go the restroom with Mike and mike's gonna be back it's like girls oh look all the guys get up okay unless they get arrested i know this is that part of town you know all right all right last one pocketbook okay pocketbook affects my finances starts the sentence with no one blank can should shouldn't or others can, should, and shouldn't. I want to be really clear on pocketbook because sometimes the person in the first column doesn't affect your pocketbook. In this case, it does affect my pocketbook because another thing that my mother-in-law did is she made sure that everything was in her name, including our home. So, yeah. I know. I was justified, right? Right? I'm justified. You've got to understand, when we're in this first page, we are in this position. You see, I'm in this condition. You need to be this way. Others should see that I'm such a great person. I'm not in this situation. I'm just in this postion the whole time. And I'm mad because no one should have control over their kids' finances and no one would put their home in someone else's name. And what's the fear? Fear of no control. Yeah. It's good. Okay? We haven't got to the realization yet. What do you do if you're justified? Like, say you're not justified. It doesn't matter. It doesn'T matter. What we're doing is we're looking at the person in the first column. We're looking out of resentment. Why do we have this resentment? Does it matter whether we're justified or wrong, whether we'Re right? What we'Re trying to see here is why we have this resentment, right? And now when I look down at all these fears right? Because there's a fear attached with each one of these areas of ego, self, right? And here's what, when I start to read all these things, disrespect, unloved, disrespected, judged, ignored, unloveed, disrage. Disrespected. No control. That makes perfect sense of why I even have this resentment with the person in this first column. Because see, if I wasn't riddled by all this fear, nothing she would have ever done or said to me would have ever bothered, wouldn't have mattered. But because I underneath it all right? We talked about the tree growing bad fruit and cutting off the fruit isn't going to make a difference. We have to get to the problem, to the root and the root of the problem. The root of my resentment is the underlying fear here that's causing me to have this resentment. See if I didn't have any of these fears, if I would never have a, she would never be in my first column. I wouldn't, she could say all the shit she wanted to. She could do all the shits she wanted to. Wouldn't have bothered me. Wouldn'T have bothered me that she wore white to my wedding. I probably would have laughed it off if I didn't have these fears, but I have fear of being disrespected. I have a fear of not good enough. I've a fear of being unloved. Right? So we see, that's why I have this resentment with this person, right? Whether she did anything to me intentionally or unintentionally doesn't matter. What matters here is I'm not looking at her, I'm looking at me in this. See? I'm look at me and this. It's not her. Why am I so mad at her? Because if somebody came up to me and said something like oh that Leanne she's got like ginormous feet I'd be like whatever you know because I know I don't I have like freakishly small feet for my size So I think I don'y have any underlying fear there. There's nothing It would freak me out. I would kind of laugh it off. But now, let's say somebody said, oh, I think Leanne is like super stupid and not very pretty. Oh, now you've hit something because see what I'm saying? Right? You attacked a physical part of me in the first part that didn't bother me. But then you attack another part of you that doesn't bother you. That does bother me? You see what i'm saying see how there's there's something now i'm pissed off i'm like who the hell is she you know say that shit now f her and i have and then she goes in my first column why because she said those things about me why because when i look at the seven areas of self i'm riddled by these fears right these deep-seated beliefs of how this is supposed to look everybody's supposed to think that i'm smart everybody's opposed to think that i attractive you know and and and when you it's and it's because there are some insecurities there that i have right so does that make sense to you right it's not about the person in the first column. It's about me, okay? So do you want to leave it there or do we want to go into realization? You want to do... Let's do some examples and then we'll do realization. That's right. Okay. Yeah, go for it. So go ahead. That'S right. Great job. Super job. What we're going to do for a little bit, really, really solid. We're going do what we did last week. We are going to do some examples of not all seven areas of self, not all 7 areas of the ego. We're going to do some samples where if you come up to the podium, read what's the resentment, the target, and then go immediately into how it affects my personal relations, my sex relations, and my pocketbook. Okay? Does that make sense? So we're not going to use the entire... When you come off to the whole podium, you're not gonna read your entire third column. you're going to read the resentment in column two, the person in column one, resentment in column two. And if the person, if you don't want to be shouting out their name, use somebody else's name or whatever. And then you're gonna immediately go into the three areas that we're talking about tonight. Personal relations, sex relations, and pocketbook. Anybody have some... What's that? Yeah, yeah, column two! Column two. Column 2, the cause. Okay? Anybody want to come up and do an example? Excellent. Mike's going to come out. Thank you, Unifamily. My name is Mike. I'm a recovering addict. So I picked my ex-girlfriend and just to really quickly I know my thinking is delusional because our relationship was perfect and she came home to me being high and having had people in her home doing crazy things and proceeded to break up with me therefore my resentment is Not being there when I needed her the most. There you go. That was the cause. Personal relationships, girlfriends should be there no matter what. They try to understand. They don't have boundaries. Fear of being left, fear of not being understood, fear of boundaries being imposed on me. Sex relationships, a real woman stands by her man. Fear of getting dumped. Fear of abandonment, fear or being alone. And I don't know how to fix my pocketbook. All right. What about a real man? What is a real man? Because you're the man. Yeah. What's a real man do? Real man what regarding this? I mean honestly like with my thinking like a real man shouldn't have done what I've done to be honest. You know a real man should not lie. Yeah I get you. Yeah, a real man doesn't lose his girlfriend. Yeah, real men don't lose their girlfriends. That's right. A real man won't hold on to their women. I'm just kidding. I'm so kidding. Real men hold on to their woman. Yeah. And what did you put for pocketbook? I didn't put anything. Yeah, it's nothing. Good. Excellent. Who else will come up? Go for it. Ron, recovered alcoholic. Okay. my resentment is on my stepson. Calls only to borrow money, owes me money, can't hold a job. Target, cons me. Personal relations, adult children act responsibly. The fear of irresponsibility, fear of immaturity sex relations a real man commands respect from his children not respected pocketbook nobody should take advantage of me fear of being taken advantage of it. Matt, come on up here and do one. You volunteered, right? I did. I'm an alcoholic and a drug addict. This one is for my mom. So every time I see her, my mom and dad get divorced and every time I see her she goes into this story about how my dad screwed around the divorce and how she's poor and uh you know they get along good now I mean they're it's just she gets corners me and does this to me every single time and so um the security what I need to be okay personal relations oh the personal relation oh okay personal relationships so mothers don't drag their children into the middle of their financials like parents don't do that And then I have a fear of being responsible, too, because down the road, I mean, I'll have to take care of her. So it scares me. In sex relations, a real man takes care of his mother. So I have afraid of being incapable. I have fear of confrontation, too. In order to find out the truth about all this stuff. I don't know. I don' t see it affecting my pocketbook right now, but there is a fear eventually. so I don't really know what I would write in there for my pocketbook right now. It could be no one should take away my money, my hard-earned money. That's true too. Yeah, I can get a pencil too. You guys have one? Yeah, even though it's not right now, that's what... Yeah, it could be. Yeah. That's good. She could be a financial partner too. That's cool. We got a pencil down. All right, good, man. Thanks. Excellent. Who else wants to come up? Yeah, yeah. My name is Yon. I'm an alcoholic and a drug addict. I'm resentful of Matt. He has a bad attitude at work, talks about me in a negative light, bumps into me without saying excuse me, complains about everything. The target is he has a negative attitude that irritates me. personal relations if I'm doing the right thing and doing my best others should acknowledge that and validate me so personal relation what is he to you is he your friend is he a co-worker is he co- worker oh yeah so I guess I did that wrong co-workers should co-workers should acknowledge and validate Me if I am doing my Best and doing the Right thing at work fear of not being acknowledged and fear of Not being appreciated sex relations a real man should be confident without validation. Fear of not being man enough, fear of not being confident. Did you have a box book or anything? I didn't have anything for the box book. My name's Alphonso and I'm an alcoholic. Hi Alphonzo. So I did one on religion. So it's an institution, there you go. Yeah. Institution, good. My name's Alfonso, and I'm an alcoholic. So I did one on religion. So it's an institution, there you go. So personal relations, I put real friends, I guess I consider the people that I went to church with my friends. So I put, real friends love others and don't judge them based on their personal beliefs. And I put fear of being unloved, judged, and looked down on. Under sex relations, I put a real man respects others life choices and minds your own business. And the cause was all the fear, disrespect that looked down on and different. Yeah. And I didn't play before. I did. This one is about my ex husband. Okay. So I'm reading the cause first, right? Okay, so he criticized me for everything that I did and said that wasn't in accord with his beliefs. He didn't honor our marriage vows. He gave up, wouldn't go to counseling, disrespected me in front of everyone else, abused me emotionally and verbally, spent money whenever he wanted to but wouldn't let me do the same kind of things. So personal relations. Wives trust their husbands. Husbands respect their wives. Married people cherish each other and communicate when they have issues And they don't go to bed angry or unresolved Fear of being disrespected Or unloved Sex relations A real woman is respected by others A real man should respect women Disrespected again Pocketbook I said no one should hold their financial power Over their partner and no one should think that having money means that they don't need to respect others with less disrespect again that's pretty much what it comes down to that's awesome okay, Janet, alcoholic resentful at Michelle long term friend um the cause no no um the cause she doesn't carpool with me anymore um yeah I wonder why so our my we carpooled since kindergarten one of one of our kids are now in eighth grade um she judges me she calls me out she doesn t trust me so my target sentence she judges me and then why that also bothers me is because her husband is a practicing alcoholic so I feel like you know yeah she has no right to judge me look at him right so personal relations and I have um voluntarily I've never had a DUI I have the device in my car and talks a lot I've had for since last September and I was I you know I did drink and drive but I've had this device in my car forever and you know so whatever but I probably wouldn't let myself drive or a carpool either if I was a mother you know what I'm saying. So whatever but anyway it's personal relations but anyway personal relations friends trust their friends fear of being not trustworthy friends don't judge friends fear of being judged and personal relations friends don t embarrass friends if you're being embarrassed not supported you know right gender relations a real woman is responsible not responsible a real women has grace and dignity no dignity and no grace yeah a real woman is looked up to not looked up my name's yeah my name is Shelley and I'm on my way well in my way here so just a couple of things that some it's It's funny, last week and this week, just in talking about stuff, I realized I had to go back and redo these because I realized that I would start to write down my truth and then I'd have this voice that'd say, shit, don't put that on paper. That sounds horrible. Uh-huh, that's it. Right? And it's like my resentments were getting in the way of my doing my resentment. It was insane. So I'm rewriting all of them and I'm going, oh, my God, I suck. Yeah, I got a full diaper, all right. The other piece is that life this last week, I've noticed that when my resentment kicks off, all I want to do is yell, cut. You know, that's not how the play is supposed to stop. Take two. So this particular resentment is at staff, a staff person. Had someone I was going to give a promotion and they turned it down because of 50 cents. What? Anyway, so we'll go on to the personal relations part. Employees should appreciate me because of all I do for them. Yes. So the fear of being unappreciated and taken for granted. The sex relations, a real woman is validated and never challenged. Good. Yeah. Amen. Pow! Woo! Fear of being a fraud. Yeah. Good. That's a good one. That's good. And pocketbook affects, look at, I'm shaking. This stuff is crazy. It's great. Others should be grateful for what they get and not ask for more. Yeah. And the fear of being rejected. Oh, good. Those are great. Yeah, you guys are... This is wonderful. Thanks so much. This is good stuff. Full Viper. Full Viaper. Full Monty. Come on. Yes, that depends. Yeah, what do you mean? Two more. Then we're going to get out into realization and... Yeah, they're good stuff。 Yeah, we're good. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. This is such a big role. I love it. Any of the next ones are good? Sure. Absolutely. I want to go back to the one I started last week here. I'm resentful at Pentecostals. I'm going to go back to what I started last week. Pentecostals, for ridding our family, scaring me, blaming me for Jenny's death, and fucked up my concept of God. Target hell breathers. Personal relations. Real Christians, men and women of God, should not cause fear. That's right. You're absolutely right. Amen. Fear of being condemned. That's why. Sex relations. A real woman should be honored. Fear of being dishonored. Pocket books. You shouldn't take my money and then judge me. Fear of getting broke. Hi, I'm Kat and I'm an alcoholic. Huh? No, Kat. Yeah, Kat, Kat Kat. It's okay. Cause, AJ stopped talking to me after I told him not to hang out with a girl he hates me and I slept with another guy. Self-esteem, I'm the best friend, the best fuck, the most beautiful person in the world. The best girlfriend ever. Fear, abandoned, not loved. Pride, others should... Jump down to the personal relations. Jump down? I can't read other ones? Go to your personal relations on this one. Personal relations, men never come through. Good. won't be loved and abandoned and then to take over the other ones sure yeah pride others should worship the ground I walk on that makes me feel not being validated ambitions I want AJ to bow down and ask me back that makes you feel abandoned not being loved secure security I need him to be in love with me to be okay not being loves sex relationships a real woman is never good enough, abandoned, and I'm unloved. Unlovable. A real woman is never good enough. Interesting, but what's your, is that your belief? That's my belief. Okay, gotcha. Yeah, a real woman is never bad enough. That's why we never are loved. Okay. Interesting. Hey, this is a sidebar comment on that. That was excellent. You know, we haven't talked a whole lot about principles, and I'll bring this up, you know, and I'm not going to single you out, but I'll tell you what. I run into principles that I live by that are effing up my life. And if I walk around with an attitude of, you Know, everybody should view me as a piece of shit. How do you think that's going to do in terms of me interacting with other people? And I'm Not saying that's what you're saying at all. No, it is wrong. But what I'm saying, no, no. It's not about being wrong. See, real quick comment about this third column. This isn't about being right or wrong. That's right. It's about what's not working. That's right. In other words, I get to enough truth in this third column. And if I write my real truth and I'm not afraid to, you know, the shit in my drawers and, you know, look at the stuff right there. You know, it stinks. It's smelly. It's I don't want anybody else to see it. I'm embarrassed. That's the third column stuff. Does that make sense? And occasionally in that third column, I come up with a principle that I'm living by that i go gosh i'm living by a principle that is totally screwing up my life and i've been living this way my entire life and we're gonna we're going to be talking about that as you know as move in and out of this you know this process but principles these belief systems these deep seated concepts of how i approach life can be killing me inside what if my principle of life is i should never trust anyone all people will screw me over what do you think that'll do for my bonding ability with people and if i can't remove it because it's been installed in me since childhood which it was in my life it's not true today but i came into this room going there is no freaking way i will ever trust any of you sobs every one of you have effed me over a thousand times i'm done with you i don't need any of your shit i was a hard son of a bitch and i had no care and no concern for anything you said because i was never going to let you into my life in this very inventory process that we are going through for us real alcoholics and addicts it's drawing us in to being exposed and when i face up to one of these principles that doesn't work what do i do yeah i've been living my entire life by it the coolest thing about this inventory process is that i get unblocked i get to the truth that this principle is no longer working and we walk through how it's affected myself my self-esteem my pride my ambition my security and i ask god when i look at how it's affecting in the fourth and leanne's going to come up here and do the realization and start of the fourth column here but this is where the freedom starts happening because i start seeing the stuff that i cannot remove this is not and i'll repeat it i'm going to turn over to leanne this inventory process is not self-help that's right it's not even group help this isn't group therapy it's not group cycle psychological counseling it's none of that this is about getting to the deep-seated truth inside of me that is screwing up my life because it no longer works whether or not it's true for you doesn't matter it's non-true for me and it's working anymore that's what i have to have god removed does that make sense it's not about being good being moral being bad, being wrong it's none of that God of your understanding is going to set you free in the areas that you need to be set free and he's naturally going to draw you to what makes you come alive and you're going to find yourself doing stuff that you feel self esteem going through the roof in a good way where you're proud to look people in the eye and that you don't have to worry about what you say because it's the truth coming out of your heart. And your first thought is, and how do I protect myself? My first thought ist, how do i give to you to make your life better? Oh my gosh! That's the freedom that we're walking into. So we get through this third column and you guys have done an incredible job. Seriously. You've done an incredibly good job. You've had an incredible time. I want everybody to be finishing your third column on all of your resentments But I'm telling you, that's as far as most of us ever got. And I know it was as far As I ever got It's called third column is me finger pointing at you Thumping your chest So when you do not understand The role you have in my play And for the first time You know, my sponsor used to go When I'm pointing at You I have four fingers pointing back at me So I'm now Going into my fingers pointing this finger is put back on so give me a break it's not pointing right so now Leanne is going to come up and we're going to start the fourth column we'll do some of the reading and we'll talk about the realization and shut up here we go if you guys can turn to page 66 of your book and I want to read something to you before we turn this paper over we turn back to the list for it held the key to the future we were prepared to look at it from an entirely different angle we began to see that the world and its people really dominated us in that state the wrongdoing of others fancied or real right sometimes i was justified sometimes it's all in my head i don't know had power to actually kill this page just this page alone uses really powerful words words like, we found it fatal, infinitely grave. Resentment is the number one offender. I mean, they're not just using these words just to throw these out there. It's because it's true. If we hold on to these resentments, they will kill us. One way or another, that fear is like a chain reaction that's going to slowly show me that self-reliance has failed me. I'm going to drink and then I'm gonna die and then i'm gonna see that self reliance has failed me if I'm going to hang on to these resentments. How can we escape? We saw that these resentment must be mastered, right? I don't know about you but I've never known any human power to master a resentment. Only a power greater than myself and this is why we need God. But how? We could not wish them away any more than alcohol. The only way I could remove the alcohol what was by it was a spiritual experience. This was our course, we realized that people who wronged us, listen to this, this was our chorus, we realised that people who wrongged us were perhaps spiritually sick. People who wronged as were perhaps Spiritually sick before we turn this over though we did not like their symptoms and the way they disturbed us, they, like ourselves, were sick too. We ask God to help us show them the same tolerance, pity, and patience that we would cheerfully grant a sick person, right? If somebody's sick, what do we do? We pray for them. We, you know, give hope or, you Know, whatever we do, we love them. Same way, we have to be able to look at this person in our first column is also sick too, When a person offended, we said to ourselves, this is a sick man. How can I be helpful to him? God saved me from being angry. Thy will be done. We avoid retaliation and argument. We wouldn't treat a sick person that way. If we do, we destroy our chance of being helpful. We cannot be helpful to all people, but at least God will show us how to take kindly a tolerant view of each and every one. Referring to our list again, putting out our minds, the wrongs of others had done. We resolutely looked at our own mistakes. Where had we been selfish, dishonest, self-seeking and frightened? Okay. I'm not, I'm going to stop right there. So like Pat had said on this first page, when we're in this, this is usually most of us that have done resentment inventories before. And this is as far as we got. We wrote the things that, that we were, we wrote the people that we are resentful at and why we were resentful at them. And then in the way we do the work this way, we've gone into even more detail to really look at these seven areas of self and see these roles that I've put on myself and others and the person in the first column, right? So I'm in this position where I'm pointing my finger this whole time like this. I'm standing here like this at this person and I'm, you know, on my high and mighty horse and this person wronged me because they did this way and this because this is how it needs to look and thisperson needs to be this way for me to be okay and then I turn the page over and I want you all to imagine that the realization is a mirror and now, all of a sudden I've got to look at myself alright, and in the first when we turn this over the very top of the page in quotations it says God, please help me see the truth I love how you because we need to this is where humility comes in so the realization how have I done the things I've resented in column two. We're only looking at column two.We're not looking at the person in the first column. We are not looking at the seven areas of self. We are only looking at column two, which is what? The cause, right? The cause. Let's see. How I have done the things I've presented in column two to the person I've listed in column one and or others. Because if I'm only going to look at what this person has done in column two. Have I done this to this person in column two? No, maybe not, but have I done it to others? All right, refer to page 66 paragraph three. This was our course. We realized that the people who wronged us were perhaps spiritually sick like ourselves. I just read that. Skip this if it's, skip this if column one is not a person. So that means if it is an institution or principle, right okay so realization now I got to look at this my mother-in-law right I am 99 percent right that's how I feel but I got a look at something here on this side I wrote in column two I wrote she wore white to my wedding okay I've never done that she snubs me she calls me names all right I may I may have snubbed her and I've also snubged other people she called me names I said names behind her back about her and I've called other people names well she treated me like well she's prejudiced against me have I been prejudiced maybe not so much she's a bitch I've been a bitch too right oh yeah oh yeah so these are the things that i would write in column one i mean i would write in in the realization right i have to i have to see that i have done some of the same things that this person in column 1 has done to me maybe i haven't done all of it to that person in colon 1 but i've done it to other people right it's humbling right and i don't i don' t want to look at that But I have to see, you know, we have to, I have to be able to feel the sense of humility in order for me to get better. In order for me to be healed from this. I have to be able to see that I'm not so, I'm not such this perfect person that I think I am on the other side of this inventory sheet. Right? That I have done some of the same things that my mother-in-law has done to me to other people. Okay? Alright? Does that make sense? Leah, does that make sense? You know how to do this. Okay. Does anybody have any questions? Pat, you want to add to this? Okay, I'm going to let Pat add to it. So this realization, you know what we talked about, we're getting in the beginning of the fifth step. Obviously, we're not there yet. But the fifth steps talks about openly why are we doing this work? We're doing it to get a new attitude and a new relationship and to become unblocked with our Creator, all right? I'm going to share a relatively personal story about resentment inventory and how I never, ever thought, ever, that God was going to remove what blocked me off from this deal. Growing up, I had a guy that was abusing me sexually for about five years. and i swore to god that i would kill that mother when i when i could right and so i'm going through the inventory with my sponsor and he's saying to me you got to see your part and i go my effing part are you kidding me my part where are you trying to take me on this thing and he said if you will trust me you will get set free and he said Pat could you drink over this resentment if you don't get over it with Gary, Gary is the guy's name he's dead now and I said yeah matter of fact I've drank many times with this guy in fact I'm also worried about what he might have done to my son I hate the mother that's never going to change and he says to me do you think you could drink over your hatred towards him Do you think that hatred could burn you up inside to the place where you can't even function? Go, absolutely. He said, are you prepared to do what the book does, as asked us to do and what the first hundred did? And I said, yeah, I am. And I'm speeding this along a little bit for instance of time. But he said, you know what? The only way to get into this thing is you're going to start trusting this higher power that you don't even know yet. He said I want you to say a prayer. God help me see the truth about Gary and how he is spiritually sick are you willing to pray that prayer and I said and I had to think about it everything that would be here is honest and I couldn't be honest I said to my sponsor at the time no, I can't pray that until you're ready to say that prayer I do not want you writing any of your bullshit in your column 4 when you're willing to say that prayer and let god deal with you in that area of your life which by the way pat god wants to heal you in then you're going to start unlocking and it was probably two three days later and i called my sponsor i said okay i'm ready and we met and we prayed that prayer in my sponsor sat with me because i was so blocked and he helped me see my part in the deal and i'll share that when we go through our fourth column together next time but i will tell you the outcome is when gary died i had made two sets of amends to the guy and i was able to look out for his needs and make sure that he was cared for in the hospital where he was dying that's nothing natural and in this day i don't have a resentment towards gary and i have a lot of compassion for what the hell he was going through that's the power of what we're doing here and no amount of counseling i'm not against counseling don't don't misread what i'm saying But no amount of counseling, human power, trusting in human methods would have helped me get to that unblocked place. I've got about ten of those kind of stories in my inventory. And every one of us in this room, anybody have one of those in your life where you're going, I've Got a Mother, that is never going to have any release? This is the power of the work that we're doing, the way we're dealing with it. but the realization will not come it will not come if you're not willing to pray that prayer and I think we have it on top of the sheet write the prayer out does it say anything like that on there on the realization when you go to that fourth column where we're starting this work I want you to write that prayer out on the top of the page is fundamentally probably the most important thing that I do in my fourth column. Okay? Alright. Well, it's close. The prayer that I said is help me see Gary as a sick person. Help me see him as a sick mother. And you know what? My prayer, excuse me for cussing in the the tape deal but I said help me see this as a sick motherfucker that was my truth but you know what it unlocked me man did it unlock me and all of a sudden I could go to that place let's take questions after because we're going to end here I think we're almost out of time Angelica come on up after is that okay no no no I'm saying let's talk after so but anyway I just want to throw that out sometimes like you know, you're gonna start trusting your sixth sense You're gonna. Start trusting your newfound God consciousness I absolutely rely on that and that was absolutely essential to speak that out tonight, so hopefully that's helpful Assignment for tonight should we go over the assignment real quick So finish the third column in the realization uh next week it'll be tyla and me and hopefully nancy we're going to be without our dear little leanne but she'll be back with us in two weeks and uh i think we're set let's let's uh close it out with the seventh step prayer and money money money we gotta have some money and by the way who would like to bring uh the dinner that was a great dinner by the way thank you rodney thank you oh we got two volunteers jason and heather will be bringing the food next week thank you excellent hey i know what i had a silent prayer going that no one would have to go to the bathroom during this meeting pretty much everybody was doing pretty well man you guys did great you did great all right and we still need and i forgot to do this last week really do need some help setting making the chairs all in the line nice pretty rows and if you see some trash around you would do me the favor of picking it up and throw it in the trash can that'd be really helpful. A lot of people here tonight, a lot of good work. Is everybody pumped? Is everybody ready for the next set? All right Jason and Heather. Excellent guys let's circle up. This is good. Okay let me make sure I turn this off.