Physical Allergy and Mental Obsession – Chapman and Michael K. – Sponsorship Workshop – Part 6 of 6 – Audrey C.

Hey guys, I'm Audrey Chapman. I'm a recovered alcoholic. Good morning. What we're going to do is we're gonna go through the steps. We're gonna to go through The Big Book and talk about what this stuff really is. A lot of you have spent a lot of time in AA and CA and various other fellowships and a lot times what we see is that we come in these rooms looking for a solution and we talk about everything but the solution. And so what we're gong to do today is all we are going to talk about is these steps, these principles, how to work with others from the perspective of a sponsor. Taking somebody else through this work so that you understand what it is that we're doing. So I'm going to talk about step one. Michael's going to be talking about step two. And then we're going to take a break. So if you've got a big book and you want to play along, grab it. We'll start at the beginning. All right. Flip to that title page, Alcoholics Anonymous. I want to say a couple things before we roll into the first step. One of the most important things that this big book is going to talk about is this idea that you can be recovered, that you get well, that it can be different, that you're not fighting the obsession to drink or use on a consistent basis. And the first place it tells me that is the title page where it says the story of how many thousands of men and women have recovered from alcoholism, ED, past tense. And that's very different than what you're going to hear in mainstream rooms where they'll tell you you'll always be recovering and you'll be sick. And thank God that's not the truth and that we can get somewhere different. But first, we have to find out what is the problem. Flip over to the foreword of the first edition. I'm going to qualify this book and talk about a couple things. It should be X and three little I's. Whoever put Roman numerals in a book for drunks is just beyond me. But flip to the forward of the First Edition. Let's talk about it. Let's go back about a few things. It says, We have Alcoholics Anonymous for more than 100 men and women who have recovered there's that word again from a seemingly hopeless state of mind and body. So right off the bat, they're going to set us up for what is the problem? Sometimes all we're talking about is the drama and the consequences. But step one is really about what is the problem in the body and the mind. So to show other alcoholics precisely how we've recovered is the main purpose of this book. For them, we hope these pages will prove so convincing that no further authentication will be necessary. The good news is that if you want to get well, the big book is all you need. Maybe you get you a 1939 dictionary. That could be very helpful, but this is the only thing that you need So for somebody that's been searching for a long time in the self-help section of the bookstore, good news. This is all I'm going to need. He says, we think this account of our experiences will help everyone to better understand the alcoholic. Many do not comprehend the alcoholic as a very sick person, and besides, we are sure that our way of living has its advantages for all. So right off the bat, the thing that drew me into this was that they used the word experiences. I'm a drunk that is sat in front of a lot of well-meaning people That try to draw me into a solution Having never had the experience Of what it's like to wake up in the morning Not want to get loaded And know for sure you're going to Against your own will And so what's cool about this Is that it talks about the experiences The first 100 that wrote this book That they understand the problem They understand the solution And not because they read it somewhere But because they've lived it So it's just an important point Let's go over to the doctor's opinion. When you get there, flip two pages in. Here at a fourth edition, it should be XXVIII. That top left-hand line should read craving for liquor because we want to get down to what's really going on. What is the problem in the body? What isthe problem in my life? What is my mind and what does this really look like? And so what's going to happen is the doctor'S opinion is going to set me up for, what are the logistics of step one? In that top left paragraph it says we believe and so suggested a few years ago that the action of alcohol on these chronic alcoholics is a manifestation of an allergy. The first thing we're going to talk about is what's the problem in the body. That the phenomenon of craving is limited to this class and never occurs in the average temperate drinker. So what are we really saying? What are they really talking about? Sometimes we hear we have an allergy but we don't really understand what that means. And an allergy is an abnormal reaction to any food or chemical put in or on the body. So it means that something different is going to happen. Like when I take penicillin, my throat constricts, my heart races, I can't breathe. That's not normal. It's an abnormal reaction to a chemical. We give it to somebody else, they get better. That is a normal reaction. So what they are saying about alcohol is that the abnormal reaction that happens in my body when I put it in is that my body craves more and more and more and what is it about that 15th beer so good you gotta have it you can only get so loaded how much drunker can you get but why do we keep reaching for that next because my body demands that I do so and that's about a craving that's beyond my mental control it's not normal to crave a poison but my body does Because it's abnormal, and that's what the allergic reaction looks like. It says these allergic types can never safely use alcohol in any form at all. Any form at All. Get really clear on what that means. Anytime that alcohol gets in my bloodstream, no matter how it gets there, it has the ability to trigger the allergy, which sets the craving in motion, which my body wants more and more and More. And so why I have to be careful about this is I see a lot of you relapse around prescription pads. Well, my dentist gave me a prescription for a painkiller, so it's okay. My doctor prescribed dot, dot, dots, so that's all right. Be careful with that. If it gets in your bloodstream and it breaks down with the same components as alcohol, it has the ability to cause you to crave more. And a lot us don't understand that. You can't beat something physically that's already there. I can't, you know, opt out of a shot of penicillin and just take a pill and think I'll beat what's going to happen to my body. I won't. I won' t. So I've got to be really careful about that. If it pours, read the label. You know, sometimes there's alcohol and stuff we don't even realize. So it's my responsibility, not anybody else's, for that. Okay? It says, And once having formed the habit and found they cannot break it, once having lost their self-confidence or reliance upon things human, And the problems pile up on them and become astonishingly difficult to solve. Sound familiar? Right. The story of our life. I formed a habit early on, and now I find I can't break it. Lost my self-confidence. You know that ability to look at yourself in the mirror and kind of give yourself a pep talk? You know the pep talks about how today's the day. I'm really going to pull it together. Today's the Day. I'm going to reign it in, knowing good and well it's not going to be today. It's not gonna be today because it's never today. I can't do it on my own. I lose my reliance on things human. My problems pile up on me, and the only thing that convinces me of is let's have a beer and think about it. Anybody else in here a thinker? Let me just get alone in the corner with a drink and a pen and a pad, and I'm going to come up with something. But what happens is I put one in. I'm for sure going to put 15 in, whether or not I intended to, and that's about a physical allergy. And it says, frothy emotional appeal seldom suffices. Let's talk about that for a second. What is frothy emotional appeal? It looks like it comes in so many forms. It looks the judge trying to scare you into sobriety. It looks co-worker threatening to tell on you. It looks child begging you. Does anybody else in here have kids? I know there are some of you that have kids. Have you ever had your kid look at you with that scared look in their eye? you didn't intend to do that. Why didn't you stop? Do you love your kids? Absolutely, absolutely. And if you could quit for them, you would. But that frothy emotional appeal is not enough. It can do various things. It can scare me. It may make me feel guilty. It might break my heart. But it will never be enough for me not to pull up in front of the liquor store. You guys get that? It might hold me in check for a minute. Bill talks about it in his story in various places. Fear sobered him for a bit, and it will sober you right up into the point you pick up a drink, all right? Frothy emotional appeal, me pleading with you or trying to frighten you will never suffice. It just won't. It says the message which can interest and hold these alcoholic people must have depth and weight, which means you need to have experienced the physical allergy. You need to have experience the mental obsession for me to hear you, all Right? That's where that connectivity happens when one drunk sits down with another. One addict sits down with another and all of a sudden our stories they sync up because we've had the same experience. Flip down to that last paragraph. It says men and women drink essentially because they like the effect produced by alcohol. Well yeah. Isn't that why we're drinking? I'd love to delude myself and tell you I drink because I like the taste of bourbon. But what happens when you run out of bourbons? I'm drinking what you got. There's nothing nastier on God's green earth than gin, my opinion. But if we run out of my stuff, I'm drinking it. It doesn't matter. Right? This is not about fun. It's not about a party. It' s not about tasting good. It is about a need to get somewhere else and I know what it looks like. I drink for the effect. Well, what is that effect? What did you give up to recapture those moments in the past when it worked, when alcohol suffice? We'll talk about that in a minute. It says the sensation is so elusive that while they They admit it's injurious. They cannot, after a time, differentiate the true from the false. That sensation, that magic, when I could put a couple of shots in my system and shift internally, that magic that took place is elusive, meaning it's hard to get. It happens every time early on. The end days of our drinking, typically it's not happening, not often. But my mind takes me back to a place when it happened every single time. And that's the delusion that I chase over and over. When you were able to have a couple of drinks, your shoulders dropped, you could breathe, the voices in your mind, the chatter quieted down. That's the effect that I'm looking for. I'm working to knock the edge off and get right. See, I wasn't always trying to get loaded. Everybody was here on equal playing ground, and I was always here. I'm just trying to play. You guys get that? I'm trying to participate. I'm try to just be here. But because of that physical allergy, I always overshot the mark and came up here. But my mind took me to a place where I could control it and enjoy it, even though those days were gone. So it says that it's elusive. And while I admit it's injurious, but while I admitted there's some problems, there's drama, there's consequences, some of them external, some of internal. Sometimes we get CPS stuff, we get health stuff, finances, legal problems. Those problems begin to pile up on us the internal stuff is oftentimes much more worse. The inability to look at yourself in the mirror, the inability to make eye contact with other people, that kind of stuff, feeling like you've become the person that you despise. While I admit those things are happening, I can't tell the truth from the false. Now, the truth is every time I put alcohol in my system, I trigger the allergy, I overdrink, bad stuff happens. That's a fact based on experience. It's the truth. The false is my mind tells me, this time I got it. This time I'll be able to stay within five to ten drinks, which is where I like to be. But I always overshoot the mark. This time it will work. This time It'll knock the edge off. This time, I won't get in the car. This time. I'll eat before this time. I won' t be around those people. Right? And your mind will talk to you in various ways. But the point is, it's talking to you. And that's the problem. I can't tell the truth from the fall. I just can't. And people often talk about the insanity that precedes the first drink. Why is it that you keep picking back up? I couldn't tell you at the time, but I gave myself a lot of reasons of why it was okay because I couldnít tell the truth from the false. This is why people around you will look at you like, ìReally? Didnít we just bail you out of jail? Really? Youíre loaded again? Didnít your kids just get taken away and seriously? Yes. Yes, I am. And I couldnís tell you why that was until I read this book. says to them their alcoholic life seems the only normal one didn't yours mine sure did they are restless irritable and discontented unless they can again experience a sense of ease and comfort which comes at once by taking a few drinks drinks which they see others taking with impunity what are you like without a drink or a chemical in your body aside from doing the step work what do you like? Are you happy, joyous and free? I sure wasn't. I was irritable. Everybody and everything is on my nerves, like nails on a chalkboard. Restless, don't sleep. And when I do sleep, I'm not rested. Always shifting around, eyes always scanning the room. Restlessness, discontent, nothing and nobody's good enough. You find yourself saying things like, I'll be happy when. I'd be okay if. Always setting in motion this external thing so I can line all my ducks in a row so I don't have to get loaded. And what happens? I line them all up and I get drunk. Why? Because that's about an internal condition. It has nothing to do with what's going on on the outside. Make sense? Irritable, restless, and discontent unless I can get a couple of drinks in my system. And that's what I'm chasing. That's the experience I'm trying to recapture over and over and over. And it says I'm watching others do it with impunity, without penalty. You ever look around and see some of these people that are able to sort of keep it together? They're drinking but they're able to show up. They're ableto do what they need to do. Theyre able to say no when they want to say no. And they'reable to scale it back when it's necessary. I've zero idea what that looks like. None. I always, always have penalty. So it says after they've succumbed to the desire again, as so many do, and the phenomenon of craving develops, they pass through the well-known stages of a spree, emerging remorseful with a firm resolution not to drink again. Guys, this is what they mean when they say my alcoholic life becomes the only normal one. I decide. I make the decision that today's the day. I'm not going to do this anymore. I succumb to the Desire because I can stand to be alone in my own skin. I pick up one drink and I pick up the 15th. Stuff happens. I wake up remorseful. God, I let it happen again. Firm resolution, firm resolution. This has got to end. I succumb to the desire. I pick up the drink. It triggers the allergy. I'm off to the races. I awake up again. Remorseful See how that works? This becomes my only normal life. Now if we'd have polled you at 12, 15, wherever it was before you started picking up and doing what you do and said, darling here's how it's going to play out. This is what this is going to look like. I couldn't have convinced you. You couldn't convince me. This is what it will end up like because my case is different. I mean, ask yourself this. How many people sitting in this room have alcoholics or drug addicts in the family? Close friends, spouses, whatever. And you look at them and think, God, if I ever got as bad as you, I quit. If I ever let it get that out of control, I'd scale it back. And that's a real interesting thing to say because I've said it when it's you and you're coming up right behind them. This becomes my only normal life. And this is about a loss of choice, and we're going to talk more about that in a minute. It says this is repeated over and over, and unless this person can experience an entire psychic change, there is very little hope of his recovery. This is repeated ever and ever and over. And guys, don't read this like it's a novel. Don't read it like it is just a piece of literature. Take these words, match them up with your experience and see how it pans out. Is that your truth? Does this happen to you over and over and ever despite your best effort to not let it be so? Take this and look at it for what it is. Because the problem is that last sentence that we just read is the death sentence of a real alcoholic. A real drug addict. That it's repeated over andover when I don't want it to. Because the delusion that fueled me forever was I'll quit when I want to. When I decide and it gets bad enough, I'm going to scale it back. And it's a shocking moment when you go to make your move and it's not there. You go to exert your willpower and all of a sudden you don't have it. And you've got it in various areas of your life. But when it comes to combating alcohol, it's no longer there. It's not fair. It's gone. You come up short. So let's talk a little bit more about what that is. We've talked a littlebit about the allergy and a littlebut about the obsession. but the bigger problem is going to be the one that's in my mind. For this very simple reason, I've got an allergy to penicillin like I said a minute ago. I don't go to Penicillan Anonymous. It's a non-issue for me. I made a decision not to pick up penicilin because it reacts poorly with my body and done. See, we can get you past the allergy if it's not in your system through this process called detox. But the problem is you're going to pick it up again if you're like me. And that's not about an allergy. it's not about a craving, it's about an obsession in the mind. Oftentimes we hear people in meetings say, I'm three months sober, I'm really craving a drink today. No, you're not. You're obsessing. And there's a huge difference. So I want to talk a little bit more about the obsession. Flip over to the real numbers, the big kid numbers. Flip overto page 20. Let's talk about a couple things. Down at the bottom of page 20, and get clear about what this looks like. Because sometimes there's, I'm just going to say this, not everybody sitting in our fellowship, not everybody seating in our rooms is a real alcoholic or a real drug addict. And so I'm going to qualify what that looks like because if you don't have the allergy and the obsession, you're not one of us. You're just not. And so they're going to talk about what does tan look like. Look at the bottom of page 20. It says moderate drinkers have little trouble in giving up liquor entirely if they have good reason for it, they can take it or leave it alone. These are people that this is a non-issue. Take it or Leave It Alone. Can you imagine? No, no, me neither. These are the people that will show up at the bar and when you offer to go buy everybody shots because you're going, they'll say things like this. No thank you, I'm on antibiotics. I don't need a drink. I'm On Antibiotics. Never in my life has antibiotics stopped me from taking a drink that makes zero sense to me but it's just a non issue. They're there just to hang. They're here just to be with you. No, no, I don't understand that. These are the people that will show up at the party when there's nothing left. They'll stay because they're going to socialize. If the supply gets low, I'm looking for exit signs. Anybody else? Moderate drinkers, moderate users, that's not their story. They can take it or leave it alone. No biggie. So then we have a certain type of hard drinker, and this guy can look like us sometimes. He may have the habit badly enough to gradually impair him physically and mentally. It may cause him to die a few years before his time, but here's the hook. Here's where he's different. If a sufficiently strong reason, ill health, falling in love, change of environment, or the warning of a doctor becomes operative, this man can also stop or moderate. He can if he decides to, although he may find it difficult and troublesome and may even need medical attention. It may cause him some problems. It may trip him up a bit, but if he has enough of it based on a sufficient reason, like the spouse saying, I'm done, health becoming an issue, work problems, whatever, fill in the blanks, he can stop or moderate. He does not suffer from the allergy. He does NOT suffer from obsession. He can make a decision and has the power to pull it off. Ask yourself this. How many sufficient reasons have you had to never pick up again? I mean, some of you are just glazing over because the mind's running. The list is coming. That many sufficient reasons, what do you do with them? I drink right through them. I get a sufficient reason and think, hmm, it's not good. Drinking. Keep on and on and off. Sometimes I use it as an excuse to drink. But what about the real alcoholic? He may start off as a moderate drinker. He may or may not become a continuous hard drinker, but at some stage of his drinking career, he begins to lose all control of his liquor consumption once he starts to drink. The allergy will never affect people that are not alcoholic. Remember back in the doctor's opinion we were talking about that? If you're one of us, you know what it's like to put one in and have to have another and another and... Normal people will never understand that. A hard drinker, a hard user will never be able to understand that, so I've got to find myself in what classification do I belong Because step one, if you want to sum it up real quickly, is about two things. Loss of control because of the allergy and a loss of choice because of the obsession. Do you identify or do you not? Let me tell you something. It's going to be real important for you to find your truth. Not I'm a drunk because Michael said I was a drunk. I'ma drunk because I've looked in this book, found these components, and matched them up with my experience. Make sense? You've got to know for you. You've gotta. So let's talk a little bit more about what that looks like. Flip over to page 23. It says, These observations would be academic and poignant with them at the top of the page if our friend never took the first drink, thereby setting the terrible cycle in motion. See, if I could just say no, put it down, and leave it down we wouldn't be here today. If we could do those things it wouldn't been a problem. So it stands to reason that it says the main problem of the alcoholic center is in his mind rather than in his body. Why is it that I keep picking up over and over and over? Get to the middle. It says, once in a while he may tell the truth, and the truth strangers say is usually he has no more idea why he took that first drink than you have. Isn't that the truth? I never sat on a bar stool and said, God, I really hate I'm suffering from an allergy of the body and obsession of the mind. I didn't know. I thought I was a bad person making bad choices and bad decisions. No, turns out I didn'T know what I had going. Some drinkers have excuses with which they are satisfied part of the time, but in their hearts they really don't know why they do it. And you want to talk about pitiful and incomprehensible demoralization? That's it. Having somebody ask you why, and you have nothing. You can come up with an excuse. Most of us have alibis that we can just Johnny on the spot, pull them out right there. But they don't really satisfy me because it doesn't really make sense in light of what's happening every time I pick up a drink, yet I keep picking up a drink. I didn't understand the truth. It says, once this malady has a real hold, they are a baffled lot. There's the obsession that somehow, someday they will beat the game, but they often suspect they're down for the count. See, what my mind tells me is I'm just about to get ahead of it. I'm not going to be able to do it. I'm still just about reel it in a little bit. I'm about to set it... No. Experience shows me that that's a lie, but my mind says it's a possibility. It never was. how true this is for you realize in a vague way their families and friends sense that these drinkers are abnormal in a big way in a large way for some of us your families and friends since that you're abnormal but everybody hopefully awaits the day when the sufferer will rouse himself from his lethargy and assert his power of will see that's what they're waiting on your family members your friends your co-workers anybody in here they're waitin' on you to get it together pull it in. Grow up. Make better choices. Get responsible. For a drunk like me, that was never going to happen because it was about something bigger than irresponsibility. It wasn't a party and it wasn't fun. It was about a loss of choice. But if you don't have that loss of choice, you will never understand it. Because guys, let's be honest for a minute. It looks like a choice, doesn't it? Who drove to the liquor store? Who went in and bought all the liquor with their own money? Me. Who drove home and drank every bit of it with nobody holding a gun to their head? Me, it looks like a choice but ask yourself this who said they never ever wanted to do that again? Me welcome to drinking against your will and until you've had that experience you will never understand that okay this is the tragic truth that if the man be a real alcoholic the happy day may not arrive he has lost control at a certain point in the drinking of every alcoholic, he passes into a state where the most powerful desire to stop drinking is of absolutely no avail. That's an interesting statement, isn't it? I thought they said you just had to really, really want it. Didn't you hear that? You just have to really want to stay sober, darling. Really? Because my book said the most POWERFUL desire didn't mean nothing. Hmm. Hmm... This tragic situation has already arrived in practically every case long before it's suspected. Go back and look at Bill Wilson's experience. Go back a look at his story. What is it that he says in his story? Liquor ceased to be a luxury and it became a necessity. Drinking to live. I'm not partying. This isn't because I'm young and this is fun. No, I'm drinking because I have to. Have to. It ceased to being a luxury. It says, the fact is that most alcoholics, for reasons yet obscure, have lost the power of choice in drink. Did you catch that? You want to talk about unmanageability? Look at that. The inability to manage the decision not to pick up the first one. I don't have it. I don' t have it, I've lost the Power of Choice. It's important to understand that. When you're sitting in a room and somebody says, I'm Audrey, I' m an alcoholic, I choose not to drink today. Do not ask those people to sponsor you. Because if you could choose not to drink or use, would you be here? I'd be at home choosing not to. So as our so-called willpower becomes practically non-existent in this area, we are unable at certain times to bring into our consciousness with sufficient force the memory of the suffering and humiliation of even a week or a month ago. We are without defense against the first drink. Let's talk about that for a minute. There's got to be a reason that Bill puts this in italics. that he's emphasizing this paragraph. I've lost the power to choose whether or not I'm going to drink. The delusion is always, I'll have a choice at some point. At some point I'll decide. Because every time I believe that I'm deciding to drink more, that I've decided to pick up a drink one more time. No, no, not until I understand what this paragraph means will I ever understand alcoholism at its core. At certain times, I can't recall the drama, the pain, the consequences of even a week or a month ago. It's kind of like Michael, I love the way Michael talks about this. It's like playing Russian roulette. At some time, I pull the trigger and there's nothing in the chamber and it's good to go. At some times, there's a bullet. And you will never know when it's there and when it'S not. Sometimes we fall victim to the belief that I'll know what the day looks like when I pick up a drink. No, you won't. No, you won't. I can assure you. It's like a bullet in the chamber. You don't know when you've sent it if it's there or not at certain times. I remember walking away from a consequence and saying, I will never do this again. And on that day, I didn't drink. And I thought, told you. Told you. The next day, I could still recall with sufficient force. And when somebody pushed a drink my way, I said, no, didn't you hear me? I said that finally happened to me. That consequence I'd been waiting on. and I'm done, and I didn't drink that day. Kind of like Bill laughing at the gin mill. Look at me. Please, I can choose. Catch me on day three. I'm loaded. Asking myself how it happened one more time because I couldn't recall it with sufficient force to keep me out of the liquor store. I just couldn't. Now, did I remember that the consequence happens? Absolutely. But with enough force not to pick up a drink? No. because my mind begins to make addendum to my plan. Does anybody else's mind do that? I just won't drink and drive. That's clearly the crux of the problem. I don't need to be with those people in that part of town at that time of night. I need to Be Over Here. Wow, bullet in the chamber. Didn't see it coming when I spun it. That last line, we are without defense against the first string, I have got to understand that to my core. Otherwise, I say things like this. Well, here's what's going to happen. And I make a plan of how I'm going to stay sober. How many plans have you made? I'm gonna move. I'm Gonna get away from that person. I'm Going to find a hobby. I'm GoING to throw myself into work. I'm GOING to concentrate on my children. Those are all great things to do. But if you don't have a defense against the drink, none of it matters. See what I mean? It's so hard to convince people of this point until you've had the experience of setting plans in motion and watching them fail over and over and playing every card that you have. And until you play every card that you've got, you always think you have a better way. You've got a back pocket plan that tells you if I could really get this marriage in order, I could stay sober. I don't know. I don' t know about that. My book says without defense and I believe that means without defense regardless of what your circumstances are. Skip down to that last paragraph. It says, when this sort of thinking is fully established in an individual with alcoholic tendencies, he has probably placed himself beyond human aid and unless locked up may die or go permanently insane. I've got to get clear on am I beyond human aide or am I not? Where am I with that stuff? So I'm going to have to not take the book's word for it. I'm gonna have to pull from my experience and line it up and see where I am. Am I beyond human aid or am I not? You know, if there's something else that will work for you, try it. If there's a plan you haven't run, run it. Because to come in these rooms and sit and say, you know, I think there might have been a different way, you will never do what we have to do. Down range, you will balk because you have to know on a gut level your truth. And you either got backed into a corner by alcohol and drugs, or you didn't. So it's time to look at what your experience is. At the bottom of page 25, it says this. If you are as seriously alcoholic as we were, we believe there's no middle-of-the-road solution. Let's get clear for a minute on what middle-to-the road solution means. Anybody else in here try self-sponsorship? Anybody else do that? Anybody want to admit to it? Okay. I'll go to meetings, but I'm for sure not working those steps on that wall. Or, I'm sort of interested in steps 2, 3, 7, 11. Sort of interested in working it my way. That's middle-of-the-road solution. An easier way to say that is this. Anything less than what this textbook asked me to do is middle-off-the road solution. My ideas, my plans, middle-on-the Road Solution. Now, what they're saying is if you're as seriously alcoholic as we are, that won't work. And some of you know that from experience. middle of the road solution doesn't work I love how it's so funny to me to watch listen to some of our stories about how we drank so hard so hardcore and then we want to slide in here and sort of do recovery like in this easy lackadaisical sort of a way do your recovery the way you drank or the way you used and it won't fail if you're a real drunk and you had to run at it a hundred miles an hour, you're going to have to do the same thing in sobriety because nothing else will survive. Nothing else will. We were in a position where life was becoming impossible and if we had passed into the region from which there is no return through human aid, we had but two alternatives. So if step one is true for me, if I'm powerless over alcohol because of the effect it has on my body and my life has become unmanageable around the obsession not to pick up one more time and I'm in this position where it's impossible, I've got a body that won't let me drink normally and a mind that demands I pick up the drink anyway. I'm in a sort of impossible situation, am I not? Because we all talk about this insanity being I do the same thing over and over expecting a different result. I can get with that to a certain degree. But what happens is in the course of my drinking career, I begin to do the Same Thing over and Over knowing for sure what the result's going to be. Isn't that a bitch? Over and over. If I'm in that spot, if I'm backed into that corner and I've passed into the region from which there's no return to human aid, which means I can't get sober for the judge. I can'T get sober first spouse. I can'T get sober four kids. I canN'T get sober four anything or anybody. I'm beyond human aid. If you don't know, go try it. If there's a job or a man that will fix you, go get them. Run at it until you're out of option. If you're in that spot, which is a great place to be even though it doesn't feel like it, it says we have two alternatives. Two. I've yet to see somebody not search for door number three unless they know their truth. One was to go on to the bitter end, blotting out the consciousness of our intolerable situation as best we could. And the other is to accept spiritual help. So it's sort of like being at a fork in the road. I can keep on doing what I'm doing, which is whatever I feel like at any given moment, running my plans, my designs, my way. Or I can make a decision to turn and follow the ideas of the people on page 17 who talked about a common solution, something that worked in the good times, the bad times, no matter where you came from, who you were, what your circumstances looked like, that worked every single time if I would follow the direction. It seems like that would be a simple thing to sort of weigh out and decide. Yet, people like you and I, we're tossing that idea around. I don't know. I don' t know. Dying an alcoholic death except spiritual health. Give me a minute. Let me think. That's about a life driven by self-will. And we'll talk more about that in just a minute, but if there's a couple of... Let me just finish that. It says, this we did because we honestly wanted to and we were willing to make the effort. I don't work these steps and live this way of life because somebody told me to. It's because I ran out of options. And I really wanted to do something different. But those are conditional statements. Because I really want it to, A, and I was willing to take the opportunity to do it. And I'm going to make this effort, B, two things. And you'll watch throughout this big book a couple of themes that will run through. One of them is willingness and the other one is action. And for a drunk like you or me, we're used to sitting around rooms and talking, talking, talking. It's really funny to watch the mouth close and the feet begin to move. This is about doing something differently, not thinking about doing something differently. Let's go over to page 44. I just want to show you a couple of questions. And I've had a couple of points that I was trying to fill out questionnaires that were supposed to tell you whether or not you were an alcoholist. And it was a series of questions, and what it looked like was sort of circumstantial and have you ever had a drink in the morning? Have you ever wrecked a car? It was asking about a lot of external things that could be fairly confusing. And on page 44, the big book is going to ask you two qualifying questions to see do you belong in this room or do you not, which is great. I love that the bigbook keeps it simple. It says in the preceding chapters you have learned something of alcoholism, which denotes that you've read the book. You're not taking somebody's word for it, but you've actually read the literature. We hope we've made clear the distinction between the alcoholic and the non-alcoholic. I've got to get clear on that distinction. Can you quit or can you not? If, when you honestly want to, you find you cannot quit entirely. Or if, when drinking, you have little control over the amount you take, you're probably alcoholic. It's an or question. One or the other. Or both. But you've got to look at it. Is this you or is it not? When you honestly wants to, you can't walk away for good and for all. I'm not talking about setting it down for periods of time. There are some of us that can do that. For short periods of times, I can set the drink down. Do you always return? I do. I always return or if when drinking you have little control can you call your numbers can you say I'm going to stay right here every single time I can I always think I'm gonna stay in a certain range but I always over drink I always overshoot the mark and it says if that's the case you're probably alcoholic the big book is not going to come out and call you an alcoholic this is the only disease that i'm aware of that you have to diagnose yourself you've got to look at your truth based on your experience because i gotta know when i when i sit in a meeting and i say i'm andre chapman i'm an alcoholic i know that to be true not on an intellectual level but on a gut level i know my truth not because michael said i was a drunk but because i can take this book and mash it up with my experience it says if that be the case you may be suffering from an illness which only a spiritual experience will conquer. So if you walked in this room feeling absolutely hopeless because you couldn't not drink on a daily basis, and you're looking at these steps and going, how is that going to help me? I can understand that thought process. I can understanding thinking, well, how is a spiritual experiment going to overcome... Maybe you don't know how I drink. I don't Know about a spiritual experince overcoming what happens to me in a bottle of whiskey. I get that. But have you tried every other option? Have you run every other game plan? Are you beyond human aid or are you not? Get clear on what that looks like so that you can know your truth. Make sense? Yeah? Step one's not necessarily a fun place to be. This isn't the point in which I'm going to be your cheerleader. This is the point I'm gonna tell you the truth and you either get it or you don't. You can either see the facts or you can't. And if you've been backed in that corner and you're feeling hopeless, that's okay. That's okay. Because see, if I'm hopeless about my condition, then I can derive some hope out of what Michael is going to talk about in step two. But if I think I can beat this, I'm not interested in what he's saying. So I've got to understand my truth in this stuff. I don't mean to beat a dead horse, but it's just so important. We come in these rooms and we treat this like it's, you know, a little infection that will go away at some point. Like it's not that big of a deal. And that to me says I don'T know step one. I DON'T understand. Otherwise, I treat this like the condition that it is, which is a condition that will kill me eventually. The truth about this alcoholic is I'll drink until I die. That's who I am at my core, aside from a spiritual experience, which Michael's going to talk about. Cool? Make sense? Okay. My name is Michael Kelly and I am an alcoholic. Michael. Oh, I can also tell you my other members. I'm actually a member of two different fellowships. both of them had to do with glass and I couldn't stay away from a bottle of bourbon or a glass stem smoking crack. And I fall into two categories. Some of you may not and it's kind of neat this experience because I am a member of two different fellowships. But the one thing that both fellowships have in common is they each describe a problem. And what Audrey just laid out is the problem as seen in Alcoholics Anonymous. there's fellowships all around that have borrowed this program and tried to solve their specific problem utilizing these 12 steps and you will never be a successful sponsor until you understand what your problem is while you're a member of a specific 12 step fellowship it's simple we've got one problem to describe And if we don't know why we're here, we're going to hurt some people. Because so often, I grew up around Alcoholics Anonymous. I go back three generations. My great-grandfather was a member of AlcoholicsAnonymous in 1947 in St. Paul, Minnesota. You know? I still had no idea what it meant to be an alcoholic. I grewup with an alcoholic, my father. and it wasn't until someone walked me through what Audrey just walked through, utilizing their own experience, I had no clue what was wrong with me. And until I understand what's wrong with my life, how will I ever convey it? Because I'll convey it through situationals. I'm an alcoholic because my father was an alcoholic. No, it's not true. I have a sister. Guess what? She's a hard drinker. she'll sit and drink with each and every one of you drink for drink guess what she does masterfully pulls up chooses not to do it goes to work you know and I've got to understand what the problem is otherwise there's really nowhere to go here you know and it's all about our experience And if you don't have the experience by God, don't pretend to. You know, and this book describes it. She left off on page 44 and I'm going to pick it up right from there. But step one is separated by a hyphen and it's an or proposition in the test she just gave you. But to be a real alcoholic, it's a both situation. It's not an or. and the reason why they ask if you can quit entirely because remember that going back there's a story of a man of 30 and they talk in this book about a potential alcoholic. The potential versus the real alcoholic. If I haven't said I'm never going to do it again, I don't know if I can answer that question. That's why the or is there. Or if you find you have little control over the amount you take, No matter what fellowship you belong in, the loss of control is a common thread through each and every one of us. Because if I can control how much I drink, do I belong in Alcoholics Anonymous? I will kill an alcoholic if I couldn't pick how much to drink when I drink. Because there's one thing I cannot do. I go in with the best intentions to have one glass of bourbon and guess what? I've never in my life had one glass of bourbon. I've wanted to so bad just to cut the edge off, just to get away from the restless, irritable, and discontent. Just give me one shot of bourdon because I know it will do it. But I'm unable to do that. If I could control it and have that one, my problem is solved. I go from restless, irriable, discontented to ease and comfort I stop at the one shot and I'm moving on but I can't do that and then all the bad stuff happens and that's not the bad part the bad part is every time I say I'm never going to do it again, I pull up, I come to I swear this time it's going to be different, I'm not going to do it and guess what I do I do it so if we're sitting in these rooms telling it, oh I know you got divorced that's why you drank again. No it's not why they drank again doesn't matter if I got divorced or I got married an alcoholic drinks no matter what and as long as we begin to convey the same message you will be a successful sponsor but if you start getting caught up in why we drink, guess what it said in this book. We have no idea why we do it. We just do it, our bodies are set up that way, it happens. If you're looking for the answer there isn't one. We drink no matter what, that's the only answer that you could ever give a real alcoholic a real drug addict you get high no matter whether it be a good or bad day it just doesn't matter the minute we stop the clock ticking and the whole time we say not gonna happen I swear it's not gonna happen and it happens again over and over again and it never gets better it only gets worse and some of you been I'm a knucklehead anybody have more than one desire chip in this room anyone been to more than one treatment facility anyone move halfway across the country trying to solve your problem. Anyone change their careers as a result of trying to solve your problem? Anyone swear off relationships as a result of, trying to, solve your problems? Anyone go searching for the relationship and trying to resolve your problem?" I picked up my first desired ship in 1985. My sobriety date is June 13th the year 2000. I came to Dallas, Texas, trying not to ever do it again. I failed miserably. And I just told you, I came from a long line of alcoholics and alcoholics anonymous. Not understanding what the problem is. But now that I understand what the problems are, what the real problem is, and I know what's wrong with me, I can sit down with you and explain to you out of this book what the problema is. And if I can do that utilizing my own experience and relying on the experience of the first 100, because the problem has not changed since 1939, I'll be able to convey the solution step two. But if I can't convey the problem, I'm never going to be able To convey the solutions. Because I'll start buying into, yeah, if you just get that woman back in your life, everything's going to be okay. Or if you just sit in enough meetings, everything's going to be okay." Has anybody walked out of a meeting and got drunk that night? Other than me? So, how do I get a spiritual experience I got one through bourbon I was restless irritable and discontented my life did not get better as a result of not drinking it did not get better and if you start telling people that you know what just don't drink your life's going to get better you're gonna kill them if they're a real alcoholic. You are going to kill them as a sponsor. My life doesn't get better, so I am left with only one alternative. What fixes it? What fixes restless, irritable, discontented Michael Kelly is bourbon. And I go from restless, irritable discontent, I drink bourbon and I go to ease and comfort. Like that. It fixes it. The only problem is my the only solution in life that I know is killing me. But this book is offering a spiritual experience. Have you ever wondered why they call alcohol spirits? Anybody old enough to remember seeing it on the liquor store signs? Spirit? Well, that's what this book is all about. Look over on page 45. It says, Lack of power, that was our dilemma. I always thought dilemma was a problem. No, a dilemma is like caught in the crossroads. I'm going to add a dilemma. Which way to go? Lack of power. I have no power over how much I drink once I start and I have not power over staying away from it to save my own life. What do I do? Which way do I go? It says we had to find a power by which we could live. See, we all know what a power greater than us is. whether you realize it or not. The power greater than me was bourbon. It got me to do things that I never intended on doing. True? Did alcohol get you to do some things that you really didn't plan on doing? Did it tell you what to do, when to do it, how to do this? How to do something and it didn't matter who got hurt? Could you live by that power? No. I couldn't either. It said we had to find a power by which we could live and it had to be a power greater than ourselves. Could you keep you sober? Could anyone keep you silver? Could anything keep you solar? And it had the power of God. It had to have been a power great in ourselves, obviously, but where and how do we find this power? Well, that's what this book is all about. Its main object is to enable you to find a power greater than yourself which will solve your problem. Now, this book is called Alcoholic Anonymous and wouldn't you think that they'd say drinking problem? This book is very precise. Very exact. There's no shades of gray. It just tells you how it is. And here they're saying solve your problem. Is alcohol an alcoholic's problem? Unfortunately, we sit in rooms all over the world and that's all I've heard. Alcohol is my problem. Well, if alcohol was my problem, all I have to do is remove my problem and everything's going to be okay, is it not? See, my problem doesn't begin until once I remove alcohol out of my body and I remove it from my life. Then my problems begin. See, I am unable to live sober on my own. And my life doesn't get better early on, it does. But guess what? Eventually, I become the restless, irritable, discontented guy. This doctor's opinion, guess what, it was based out of experience. It was written by a non-alcoholic. History is so key here because it's... If you're going to be a member of the 12-step fellowship, get to understand your 12 steps. It only makes sense. And the medical estimate came from a nonalcoholics person, but guess what? He decided he knew nothing about the problem, so he asked and listened. And he listened to a bunch of people. His name was William Duncan Silkworth, and he sat at Towns Hospital because he couldn't find another job after he lost his practice through the stock market crash. And he sat and listened to these people and he didn't understand. He detoxed these alcoholics and sent them on their way and they had every reason never to drink again. And in a short period of time, they're back in their worst shape they were the first time. It's like, what the heck is wrong with you people? And most of the people, they went off and lived happily ever after. But there was this little group over here that they just kept coming back and instead of being an ego driven arrogance driven individual who thought he knew everything he's like i don't get it fill me in and he listened and he found out that alcohol wasn't their problem see their life would go a muck once they stopped drinking and they were left with no other way but to go back to the only solution they knew so if you're going to convey to a newcomer that alcohol is bad if it was so bad why did you drink so damn much of it it's a question you have to ask yourself alcohol was the greatest thing that ever happened to me it was a power by which i could live but something changed and now I've got to find a solution to how am I going to live now that my only solution has been taken away how do I live now well that's what this book is all about and that's page 45 is trying to convey to us and if I don't understand that I'm going to be very confused and I'm not going to do this and I'll look for every other avenue to make life ok now that I'm no drinking and it gets so simple all of your little complicated minds including my own are not going to accept it because I'm going to think it's some quantum physics formula of how life is going to be okay but it's so simple it's right at the end of our nose and we don't even know step one do I have to believe in God or step two do I need to believe do I really have to believe in god Is it a requirement? It's a great question, isn't it? Especially in sponsorship. Did anyone come into these rooms not believing in God other than me? I'm the only one? See, I didn't know if there was a God. I didn' t know if ther wasn't a God Actually, I was kind of sitting and torn on the fence because if there were, I would be screwed because of all the things that I had done throughout my life. I was raised to believe in God. But I was like, uh-oh. But look at step two. We came to believe in a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity. What is the only requirement in step two? The only requirement is that I am convinced I am absolutely insane when it comes to the first drink. Period. period. We came to believe. Does that mean I have to believe from the get-go? Not a requirement. The only requirement is that I am completely nuts when it comes to the first drink. Did you give up everything worthwhile in life to experience alcohol one more time, several times throughout your life? Did you question your own sanity in regards to that first drink? Did you play those mental gymnastics? I mean, eventually you do this long enough and you actually start questioning your own sanity. And the fact of the matter is, in all other aspects of our life, guess what? We can be completely functional and normal and not insane. When it comes to that first glass of bourbon, all bets are off. my mind will come up with some amazing ideas how everything is going to be okay. When my past has shown me, historically, nothing is okay with bourbon in my hand. Period. So what is step two all about? Well, step one, is it a happy moment in your life? Step one says I'm condemned to drink no matter what. period in Alcoholics Anonymous I am screwed who's been in a bunch of meetings in their life me too all over the United States that was a mover when stuff got bad I just moved backed up