The Fifth Step and Sponsorship – Chapman and Michael K. – Sponsorship Workshop – Part 4 of 6 – Audrey C.

Fear doesn't ask, God, please remove this fear and direct my attention to what I should do. Because my actions don't mean anything. I can be a selfish, dishonest person and be in the middle of a fear and my actions be completely above board as a result of this fear, but I'm still left with who? Me. And I still am who I am and I'm sill going to have catastrophe happening in front of me. So yes, fear is going to be there, but it's all about who I Am because if I'm being who God wants me to be, what are my actions going to do? They're going to follow suit. But if I don't know if I am not who I'm supposed to be and I'm trying to act like someone I'm not, the rest is a disaster. Welcome to the truths about what these fears are. In this relationship stuff, the question you have to ask yourself is how long would you put up with you doing what you did to them? each and every one of you better be shaking your head sideways because I know you wouldn't put up with anyone that was like you and the other question you have to look at is now stepping aside and stepping outside of what you've done to this individual that's great, can I do it to your daughter? Can I do It to your mom? Can I Do It to Your sister? Can I treat them like you have now treated this individual? Am I going to be dealing with you Heck yes. See, I can't be living by two different rule books when it comes to the relationship and cosmic rule books. I get mine and I get to treat all of God's children like I want to, but all of the rules books and all of that, all of those children better treat the people I care about in a certain way. Living by those two different rules books is going to cause complete and utter disaster. And that's my job is to point out what the truth is. See, because if it was just confession, And He's giving you my side of, you know what? Yeah, I treated her bad. But you know What? There's a big old butt hanging off there. But if she didn't do this, I wouldn't have done that and this and that. No. This isn't about their inventory. What's it about? It's about our inventory. About what we're doing. Because remember, it's all getting back to left-around devices as we're trying to live like this. Can you stay away from alcohol? And the fact of the matter is no. You see, if I turn this fifth step into anything other than it is, and if I turned that fourth step into anything other then it is I'm never going to get to the truth and I'm not going to understand what plan I'm trying to guide them to. And if I don't know what's in this book how will I ever get them to the Truth? And if someone hasn't walked you through a fifth step that got you to these points in this Book you probably need to go sit down with someone who knows it before you start trying to walk someone else through it because there is no faking this to be making at all. And there's nothing more confusing than someone laying out a story for you and you're sitting back going, oh, no. Bless your heart. You're going to throw an alcoholic. And it never hurts to bring someone in if you get in over your head. Again, sponsorship is critical. Have that person say, you know what? I have no experience on this. Do you mind if I bring my sponsor into this? Because, you know what? This is serious. Pretending you know? It's so dangerous. And when you start looking through the eyes of how do I carry someone through this, it's scary. You know, when you're carrying someone through their first vizca, well, anybody remember the first time you took someone through a vizcac? It's an uneasy moment walking into it. And you're like, the last thing I want to do is hurt any more people in your world. And here you've got this fragile little alcoholic that's about to go off and they're on the clock. My job is to help them get to God and find their truth. And if I start pretending it's bad, waiting to happen, and hopefully you've Got all That on Her Microphone, sorry. All of a sudden I looked up and he's waving at me. I am so sorry. But, you know, that's where it gets so critical. And the last thing I'll say about a fifth step. Hopefully someone took the time out of their day to take you through a fifth stop and didn't shortchange you. By God, don't. I'll meet you 45 minutes before the meeting and will do your fifth step. Because I hope no one did that to you. But it's amazing how quick as a sponsor, all of a sudden my little life becomes full of all those other affairs and all of the sudden I'm trying to shoehorn someone in to hear their fifth step and I'm shortchanging them. I'm doing it at 9.30 at night and they're supposed to go home and do an hour which I was about to cover. And I'm supposed to be talking to them afterwards and I have to be up at 5.30 that next morning. Responsible sponsorship. This is where it all comes into play. Don't sell someone short. This may be their only chance to get this. And we forget this. This may the only moment in time that they have an opportunity where they can pull together the desperation and the willingness. And you're there at that perfect time and all of a sudden you shortchange them and try to start modifying. And that's where it gets really dangerous. But if I actually follow this, those are some pretty amazing promises. Especially for a guy, you could torture me by sending me to my room because I was not alone at perfect peace and ease. And now I've taken that to a whole new level. It's amazing to be okay inside your own skin. That's what's so critical about the fifth step, and it's not a confession. My God, if you turn it into a confession, since when did throwing up on someone ever help you? All of a sudden just blah! All of the stuff that you've got going on inside your head and you wrote it down and you regurgitated it all over somebody. Walking away, you may get a little relief. It's like taking an aspirin for a broken leg. You may cut it a little, but eventually you're still left with a broken knee. I've got to get down to the causes and conditions and the truths, and that's why this is so important. It's just so critical. And as a result, look at what comes out of this work. I mean, that's some amazing promises. Amazing stuff. Absolutely. And written inventory is the truth as I see it, not necessarily the truth as it is, as it stands. So some of us come in ready to plead our case as John would say. You don't understand. Listen to what they've done. But a responsible sponsor will turn the tables on you and drive home the truth that Michael talked about that my problems are of my own making. And it's that simple. But when you get real complicated and real into all the nonsense, you can get lost. And somebody can tell you a story that will make you feel sorry for them. And if it's not ingrained in you to look for the defects and it'snot ingrainedinyou to lookfor fourth column, you can fall victim to feeling sorry for that person. And it'snots that some of us don't have some sad stories, because, my God, we do. But I've got to see where I set the ball rolling. I'vegot to see what problems were in my own making. and you have to be willing to make yourself uncomfortable to do that because it's sure not comfortable to tell somebody who's been molested at three years old and they're 27 now that they're selfish when everybody their whole life is oh baby I'm so sorry it's uncomfortable to have to say I understand that happened to you as a child and you weren't a victim comma however now at 27 you're a martyr and using it as a trump card This is why I get to drink and use and act however I want to. But you have to be willing to do that. And it's, you know, like I said, it's sure not comfortable, but this does not have to be that complicated. It just doesn't. It just does not. If you can keep that simple truth in mind, you can hear inventory all day long. It doesn't matter whose it is. You'll be able to see that stuff as it pops up. All right. So it says, returning home, we find a place where we can be quiet for an hour. A precise direction. Carefully reviewing what we've done. We thank God from the bottom of our heart that we know him better. So there's my fifth step prayer. Now why is it that I could know God better having done a fifth step? Well, I just saw who I was for the very, very first time. Some of us have gotten honest about the facts and the truth and seen something in a different light. Now I'm clearer on what I'm working with. I can know God more. I can see God better. So taking this book down from our shelf, we turn to the page which contains the 12 steps. Carefully reading the first five proposals, we ask if we have omitted anything. For we are building an arch through which we shall walk a free man at last. Am I hanging on? So I'm going to go back. I'm gonna look at that. What are the first 5 proposals? Am I crystal clear on this stuff? Do I understand? Have I made the commitment? Was I honest in inventory? Did I get it all out? Or am I hanging onto something? Did I carve something out that I don't want to be honest about? and there are times that that's going to come up in that hour that you spend with God something's going to be brought to your attention and that's a time in which you can call your sponsor let them know or if you're in the same place as your sponsor like Michael's story is like that here's what happened and then get clear on it I've had to do that get clear on it and then go back right it's not worth it to try to hang on to something. And like I said earlier, omission and forgetting are two very different things. There are huge things that I had forgotten for years. And as I remembered them, I got honest about them. But in that time, I didn't know. I didn' t know. But you will know the difference. It'll be that gnawing at you. I know I got honest about everything, but I'm trying to hold on to something. It will gnaw at you if you do that. It says, For we're building an arch that you're going to walk through free at last. Hmm. That's a pretty big deal is our work solid so far are the stones properly in place have we skimped on the cement put into the foundation have we tried to make mortar without sand what am i really working with here have i laid it all out the way it's supposed to be or am i shortchanging myself because nobody else is getting hurt if i sponsor you and you lie to me in inventory i still walk free and clear i still don't drink i still sleep at night you're shortchanging you see how that works so is it are stones properly in place anything less than what they've asked us to do up into this point is a demonstration i have a better idea and if you do you won't walk free and clear you just won't so i've got to get crystal clear on what those points are it's interesting how long is an hour. Why would I spend that hour? Because Audrey made a great point. I go in it as I see it. Then I'm exposed to the truth sitting there with that three-legged stool. I've got in front of God and another human being, I get to see the exact nature, the exact nature of my wrongs. And then it asks me for an hour go sit with God and carefully review what we have just done. And I get right back to an hour's an hour. My directions to the people I carry them through if I'm with them I'll be back in an hour or if we meet up I'll been expecting your call in an our from now you're not going anywhere from here now these are your directions if they can't follow those directions guess where we're at we're right back to them running the show and these promises are awesome but they're as dangerous as it can be because for an alcoholic all of a sudden they start happening to them and they think this is the end all be all and that's the most frightening spot is because if this was just it it would say the end but it's not because it's asking us is our work solid so far and if it is we're not done yet. See, this fifth step, we're going to be doing a lot of work. Mine was a Saturday morning a lot like today. And in that morning, I went in with the fourth step in my hand and I worked what we will see as steps 5, 6, 7, and 8 in that setting. and that's where it starts getting confusing to a lot of rooms all over the country is how can you get someone through this stuff well if you follow the next follow the directions on page 76 if we can answer to our satisfaction then we look at step 6 it doesn't say go home have a good week it says after your hour and you can answer everything is in place our work is solid so far if we can answer to our satisfaction yes, we haven't left anything out I do understand the exact nature of my wrongs we are looking at step 6 right here, right now not tomorrow, not next week not next month otherwise remember they told us they were going to show us precisely how we have recovered the main purpose of this book in the foreword to the first edition precise instructions. So it says, we then look at step six. We've emphasized willingness as being indispensable. I love that word willingness, but I'll take desperation any day of the week. It's like willingness to the exponential. It says we have emphasized willingness as being indispensable. Are we now ready to let God remove from us all these things which we admitted are objectionable? Underline that. Highlight it. Circle it. Me coming out of my fifth step and seeing my truth, that moment in time I'm going to find all of the exact natures of my wrongs the most objectionable. As every second that clicks off that clock right there from that moment forward, they become less and less objectionable And if I wait, come tomorrow, oh, yeah, I was bad, but I start becoming my biggest fan in a short period of time. I go from coming into that fifth step as my biggest fad to someone that makes my own stomach turn. And in a shot, in a very short period or time, that pendulum starts swinging backwards and the ejection ability goes away. It wears off. So how do I prevent this? I sit down with that individual quickly after that fifth stop and go. So, how are you liking yourself so far? Do you find what you see objectionable? Is this who you intended on being when you're eight years old and going, I can't wait to become that, what I just saw? And if I admit they are objectionable, am I ready to let God remove all of it? Can He have them all, everyone? And sometimes we forget what a scary question that is. Because for a guy like me, the only tools in my shed were selfishness, dishonesty, inconsideration, fear, self-seeking. That's how I lived for years. Those were my life skills and now you're asking me to give them all to God. It's a scary proposition. It leaves my tool shed empty. but it gets back to thank God I'm coming right out of that fifth step because I don't like what I see and I'm willing to do whatever it takes to not be that person today and if I'm not willing to let God have them all you know what it says you better start praying because you as a sponsor are not going to be able to give that individual the willingness anybody try to get someone willing did it work now for such a short little paragraph in this book I love the 12 and 12 on this this is the step that separates the men from the boys because here's where I am going all in or I'm not see I'm asking God to do for me what I cannot do for myself take away my selfishness, my dishonest all of my character defects. Have you ever heard in these rooms I'm just working on my character effects today? Put a helmet on if I ever utter that. You're all about to get hurt. Bad things are about to happen. Throwing more of me at my selfishness just is what? Selfishness times two. Have you every tried to be more honest? How'd it work? Have you tried to being more considerate? I can't do it I try but I can' t do it so while God is taking care of all those things that I can''t take care of for myself that's when my sponsor cornered me and said what are you going to do what are YOU willing to do are you willing to not only become a student of this book but a practitioner of thisbook have you ever known someone who knows this book inside and out but can'' t stay sober is very doable. You say a sentence, they'll tell you what page and paragraph. Drunk. They can be drunk and tell you. See, it's not only knowing it, but doing it. I loved how my sponsor cornered me and he said, you know what, are you willing to do some of those things you really don't want to do? And are you unwilling not to do some of those things you really want to do? Are you willing to find a home group, support it? Are you ready to commit up to work step eight, nine like your life depends on it? Are you're willing to make amends? Are you are you willing to continue to take this inventory on a daily basis until you die? Are you going to spend time and develop that relationship with God, the One that's going to save you, the One who can help you with all those things that you can't do for yourself? Are you willing to work on the most precious relationship that you have going on in your life today through step 11? Are you ready to get off your butt and carry this message like I carried it to you and help somebody who is dying just like you? Are you able to do that? Are you going to practice these principles in all your affairs, not only in these rooms but at home on the road, at work. And if you are, you're ready to take step seven. But if you're not, you better start praying. And he looked at me and he said, there's only one way to get this will and it's maybe God will bless it to you or you're just going to have to drink some more. Period. And that's why they say this is the step that separates the men from the boys because it's step seven says when we are ready, we say something like this, my creator, I am now willing that you should have all of me the good and the bad. Anybody treat God like a trash collector other than me? The moments where everyone's telling me I've got to find God and okay, I'll pray to God. I don't even know if He exists, but God, please take my alcoholism and take this lousy relationship and this lousey job. It was like carrying the trash out. You know, it's Wednesday morning. Take the trash outside. Take the garbage out to the curb. Am I the only one in this room that treated God like that? No. what a unique prayer now I'm praying that God should have all of me the good and the bad what does God want with my alcoholism anyway have you ever thought about that like he really has a need for my alcohol am I willing to go all in it says I pray that you now remove from me every single defect of character which stands in my way of my having a really good day. One of these times it's got to be about me, isn't it? Nope. See, we must be rid of the selfishness we must or it kills us. So I'm praying I now pray that you remove from me every single defect of character which stands in my way of my usefulness to you God and to the people about me. Grant me strength. You know why? Because there's going to be days I don't want to do this. Period. It just is not going to end me. Grant me faith. Grant me the strength as I go out from here to do your bidding. Amen. I've sat in rooms where they try to talk an hour about step seven. It says, we have then completed step seven Am I willing in step six to commit up to all these things that are being asked of me? And if I am, I say the prayer and I'm done. Do you see how this Saturday morning went by very quickly after my hour had expired? He's like, Are you willing to do all this? And yes, I am. Alright. Go say the Prayer. He didn't want to say it with me. Guess who I'm saying this prayer to now? Guess who? I'm recommitting up in step seven. God. I'm saying to God, I am going to continue to work the rest of these steps like my life depends on it and you're going to take care of all these things that I can't take care off and I'm going to get busy. What's the title of this chapter? Into Action. It doesn't say now rest. everything in this chapter is next, next, next, next. Now we've done this, we're moving on to this. Now we're done this. We're moving onto this. Are you willing? Yes I am. Say the prayer. Get busy. Now show God that you actually meant it. And the only way I can back this up and if I drink after that, guess what? I've backed out of my commitment and I'm back to managing, trying to manage the decision on my own and run the show myself. And it all leads back and that's why I love how they talk about step six. This is the one that separates the men from the boys. How many people have you sponsored that have got to this point and then disappeared quickly? It separates them in a hurry. Don't be distraught. It's okay. because this is the one where either you see your truth and you're going to do something different and you are all in or you are not. And there is no faking it until you make it because alcohol is cunning, baffling, and powerful and it lays in wait to ensnare. And either I do this or I don't and I get busy. And once we got done this, I said my little prayer and guess what? We did that Saturday. It wasn't, now go have a great weekend. It was to the next paragraph. And before I know it, we're laying out what Aud is about to talk about. Got busy in making my eight steps. We didn't burn my fourth step because... And they primed the pump the whole way. and if step nine scared you away it's because you haven't got to where we've got here yet and so often we want to look ahead and if you haven' t done a fifth step there's no worrying about the ninth step you're not there and God gets you to the spot you need to be each step of the way and all of this is preparing you to turn your thoughts and your actions over to God And that's all we made a decision in step three. And if you ever notice, step three, there's no amen on the prayer. We began a prayer and we got busy doing some work and guess what we just did in step seven? We finished the prayer we started in step four. Step three. If you ever take a chance, take the step three prayer and throw seven underneath it and you'll be amazed at what a great prayer that is. They tricked you. It's one prayer. He just got you busy in the middle so you understood what you were actually praying about. Because did any of you really have a clue about what you Were praying about while you were crying and saying a third step prayer? I'm shaking and baking and barely able to complete sentences. And in a short period of time, the truth was sitting right in front of me. And it wasn't the bottle of booze that did me in. All right, let's talk about amends for a minute. We're all powered up. A little bit. We're back on 76. Hello? Are y'all ready? Okay. All right. So we're back on 76, we're talking about wrapping up that walking out of a 7 stat, Walking out of six and seven, looking at making a list, which means, like Michael said, I didn't burn my inventory. That I'm actually going to be pulling names off that list to make this eight-step list. And then I'm additionally going to Be adding to it. Because I've got to tell you, not everybody that I owed amends to made my inventory A large portion of them did not. But I certainly harmed them and certainly owed them an amends. And so we're going to BE pulling the names off of our four-step inventory. but then we're going to be adding to the people that didn't necessarily make that inventory. So it goes on to talk about faith without works is dead. I mean, it's like as soon as you get done doing something, they're going tell you one more time, now we need more action. Not catching a break. I'm constantly in movement. And the reason for that is we talked about earlier that there's a short window of opportunity to get this work done before the willingness begins to wane. And suddenly it's not so important and it wasn't so bad. And if I get rolling through this work, there's a spiritual momentum that will pick up. And as each step builds on the other and more and more gets cleared out and more power is flowing in, more action is taken, the effect is greater. But when I begin to space these things out like we talked about earlier and sort of diminish what this is, you won't get the effect necessary. So I'm moving through this quickly and these are building one after another. So I am walking out of this, making the list. It says, we have a list of all persons we've harmed and to whom we're willing to make amends. We made it when we took inventory. We subjected ourselves to drastic self-appraisal. When do I make amens? Now we go out to our fellows and repair the damage done in the past. So as soon as pens hit and paper, and I've gotten with a sponsor and outlined what these amends are going to look like, because let me tell you, don't just start running out. You've got the list. Sit down with somebody. Sit down with your sponsor. Talk about these amends and what you're going to be doing because sometimes the tendency is I'm just going to get rolling, so I'm Just going to run out and make them. Get a sponsor between you and the general public before you just go postal on people, right? I need to get clear on some things. And guys, there's motive behind some of the amends we want to make first, and I'm going to have to get clearer on that stuff. And so oftentimes I can't see it, and I need somebody there to point out what it is that we're doing and why we'redoing it in order and so on and so forth. So it says, now we go out to our fellows and repair the damage. We attempt to sweep away the debris which has accumulated out of our effort to live on self-will and run the show ourselves. So this is not about sometimes when you bring up amends, people think, oh yes, I need to apologize to people for all the things I said and did when I was drunk. Yes, but not necessarily in and of itself. It says, out of the debris of which that accumulated out-of-self-will and running the show myself. See how that's different than what happened when I was drunk? This is a broad spectrum. Me running on me has caused lots of problems. Did bourbon cause some? Sure, but the vast majority of it is just me running on mean. So I've got to see what this stuff looks like. It says if we haven't the will to do it, we ask until it comes. There's your eight-step prayer. Because I don't know, maybe you guys were willing right off the bat to do everything. I had a couple that I thought, oof, I don' t know about that. We ask until they come. They wouldn't have put that there if they didn't get results from that. So those amends that you think, God, I sure don't want to do that. I don't know if I'm willing. Okay, then get into prayer about that. Ask for that willingness. Remember it was agreed at the beginning we would go to any lengths for victory over alcohol. Love how they slide that right in there after you go, I don' t know if Im willing. They're going to bring you back to that point one more time. What lengths were you willing to go to to get alcohol? What were you wiling to do? All of a sudden, I'm faced with, I need to get in front of people and square some things and be a real live adult. And now I don't know if I've got the time. I don'T know ifI'm willing to travel. I DON'T know IF I can work it into, did you ever do that with drinking? I never said, you know, I'M not really certain I have the time for that. I'M NOT really certainI can go that far to get a drink. I'M Not really certaini can, there was never a question in my mind. It needed to happen, therefore it was going to happen. And if I can approach amends with that mentality of this is what I'm willing to do and I've got to do this, my life depends on it, the results will be different. But when I begin to make excuses for myself, and God forbid I have people in my life that are willing to justify that nonsense, I'll be in trouble. I'll be in trouble. So it says I'm willing to go to, remember it was agreed, I would go to any length. And sometimes you have to ask yourself that, what length did you go to to get the alcohol? So they're going to set us up a couple different ways. They're going to give us a couple of qualifications for making an amends. They're going to give us some different scenarios. They are going to talk about money, they are going to talk criminal offenses, they're going to talk infidelity, they will talk about circumstances where other people are involved. The point is I need to be willing. That's the main driving point that I need to be will to take whatever action is necessary and sometimes no action is what needs to happen, but I've got to get with a sponsor who understands this. And if my sponsor hasn't had that particular experience, I'm going to hope that they'll direct me to somebody that has. You know, because I certainly haven't had every single circumstance happen to me. But if I haven't, my sponsor has or her sponsor has and we're going to get with somebody who understands and has been through that process. Does that make sense? Don't guess. If you're a sponsor taking somebody through this work, don't guess at what somebody should do. Have the humility to say, you know what? I'm not sure about that, but I'm going to find an answer for you. It's the hardest thing for a drunk to say. You know what, I don't know. God forbid we admit we don't something. We're going to ask. You're only dealing with somebody's life in your hands. Ask if you don't now. All right, on 77 it says our real purpose is to fit ourselves to be of maximum service to God and the people about me or people about us. It's fairly difficult to be a maximum service to God and the people around me when I'm carrying around all the baggage, all the drama of my past because that in and of itself limits me. I can't go certain places, I can'T do certain things, I CAN'T be around certain people when I'M ducking and dodging and I'M carrying all that baggage. You guys know what that was like in the end days of your drinking. What did it look like? I CANT go to this place because I've gone off on this person. I CANNOT go over here because these people know what I've done and I hadn't paid them back and I can't go over see how that works my life gets real narrow and it begins to crowd in on myself so now they're talking about my real purpose is that I'm going to be a maximum service well I canít do that until I start sweeping away some of this debris and I can start getting free of that stuff because I sure donít want to live a life where Iím having to hide again all over so itís important for me to understand what it is that Iím driving at And it talks about approaching people that still smart from our injustice and going in and announcing that we've gone religious or that we found a spiritual mode of living. It says that it's seldom wise to approach somebody who still smarts from our injustice. And so think about that, what that can look like in an instant where somebody is still burning, still seething about the actions that you've taken. And then you want to run right up in the middle of it and say, But the good news is, I found God. I found a spiritual mode of living. You know, think about that. Think about that approach and what that would be like. No. It says in the prize ring, this would be called leading with the chin. Why lay ourselves open to be branded fanatics or religious boars? We may kill a future opportunity to carry a beneficial message. Now it's not saying never talk about God. It's not say don't talk about the spiritual way of living It's saying use tact and common sense. And what this can look like. There's going to be times where people will ask you all kinds of questions about the steps. They're going to want to know how cool. Or there's an opportunity for you to carry that message. But when you've stolen $3,000 worth of stuff three weeks ago, you've gone through the work and you run up and go, I found God, isn't it great? No. They need the stuff or they need the step to replace the stuff that you've stole. See how that works? I'm going to have to understand what it is that I'm doing. It says, but our man is sure to be impressed with a sincere desire to set right the wrong. My goodness, there's qualifications here. A sincere desire to set rights are wrong. Where did I get that sincere desire? I better have had a sponsor that rubbed my nose in that fourth column and showed me the truth which is my problems are in my own making and if I didn't I'm not going to be able to do it. If I don't have a sincere desired I won't have admitted that those things are objectionable but if I have that sincere desired that's the first qualification think about that for a second have you ever seen kids in like a sandbox that don't play well with others they're stealing each other's little scooping toys and the buckets and one of them gets in trouble from mama and gets a spanking and told you better go apologize to that other little kid go say you're sorry the kid is not sorry but he stomps over there and goes sorry does that solve anything did those kids get along No, that's insincerity. I don't make amends because my sponsor said so. I made amends because I saw that I was wrong. I saw my mistakes and now I have the willingness to do this. Not because somebody said, Audrey, you better go say you're sorry to that girl right now. It's not what this is. It's about saying you're not sorry. It's a demonstration of goodwill than in our talk of spiritual discovery. How long have we been saying I'm so sorry? And did we mean it sometimes? Yes. But I couldn't stop doing those things. I have no credibility with these people, and yet I'm going to go to them and tell them it's going to be different this time. I promise. How many times have they heard that? It's different this Time. Let me tell you why. Because I feel different. That's my favorite one. It's really different this Times because I feel differently. Well, no. It's difference when you behave differently. That's when you get the results from those people. That's what they're looking for, is for me to show up differently. The problem is I couldn't do that in and of myself. And the amends really is about doing it different, restitution, right? But sometimes when we talk about amends, we talk About It like it's just a conversation. It's just when I sat down, I wronged Michael, I sat Down with Michael, told him I was wrong, told him it was going to be different, and now I've made amends to him and I'm done. No, that was the approach. That was the conversation. The amends is when I stop doing to him whatever it was I was doing or I start doing whatever it is that he asked me to do that I didn't do before. Does that make sense? It's about it being different. So you've got to understand that. Sometimes it's like, oh, I made amens to him, check, done. No, how I show up is the amends. That was just the conversation。 So the first qualification is that I have a sincere desire to set right the wrong. Now it says we don't use this as an excuse for shying away from the subject of God when it will serve good purpose or willing to announce our convictions with tact and common sense. This is one of my favorites. The question of how to approach the man we hated will arise. It absolutely will arise, and it's going to tell me what I should do. And maybe he's done us more harm than we've done him. And though we may have acquired a better attitude toward him, we're still not too keen about admitting our fault. I love that ego to just spring up. Does anybody else keep tally marks or do percentages in your mind? I'm 47% to blame, you're 53%, so I don't know if I can make amends to you. But remember when we sat down to do the fifth step, we set aside all that they had done and we looked for our own mistakes. that other stuff didn't matter although sometimes we sponsor people that want to go on and on and justify and know what are your mistakes and when I can set that stuff aside and amend and walk into it with a desire to set it right no matter what the results are absolutely absolutely amazing that says nevertheless I love this direction nevertheless with a person we dislike we take the bit in our teeth. It's like that horse. Have you ever seen a horse that has a bit growing their teeth? You take the bit in your teeth, which means shut up about anything that they've ever done wrong and it's going to go on to talk about criticizing them and bringing up their faults. I don't do that. Now, do I sometimes want to? Yeah, I'm still human but I'm going to take the bitten my teeth and keep my mouth closed on all of that. Only thing I'm going to discuss is my wrong, my fault. It's harder to go to an enemy than to a friend, but we find it much more beneficial to us. Get in front of those people that you can't stand, the ones that you said that you'd never make amends to. The freedom is exponential compared to what it's like when you get in front OF somebody who goes, oh, it's no worries. I totally have forgotten that even happened those aside get in front of somebody who's upset who that you've terribly harmed and watch the freedom that comes from admitting your your faults and not discussing at all the things that they have done whereas before it sounded like what Michael talked about earlier if you hadn't I wouldn't and it becomes like a process group we want to discuss well when you say i feel and then you do and i oh my god no what are the facts this is another place amends it's another place where the facts are essential all the other stuff leave it what are the facts i was wrong in the following way those are the actual facts so here's the second qualification we go to him in a helpful and forgiving spirit confessing our former ill feeling and expressing our regret. It's a great word to throw in there. My regret, not I'm sorry, but I regret treating you the way that I've treated you. That's very different than the way I've always, well, I can't really say I've apologized in my past. I have if I thought it would make things go away. If I thought I could smooth something over with an I'm-sorry, then I might have done that. But to say I regret doing what I'm doing and these are the things that I've done. It's very different, very different to watch what happens. And it's going to go on and just give us some straightforward direction about what to say and what not to say. Under no condition do we criticize such a person or argue. Now, do you think that's going be tempting from time to time? Yeah, yeah. Imagine being in a conversation. You're making an amends for let's say these areas over here and they say something and the details of what they remember is just a little bit different than what you remember and all of a sudden you need to set them straight. You need to clarify. Oh my God, don't do that. You'll end up making amends for the amend and as somebody who's done that, it is no fun. Well actually, I remember it more a little but like this and if you hadn't have said I wouldn't have, getting to go back and make that round two amend on that. when i could have just kept my mouth shut and follow the directions from the big book like it asked me to do initially so simply we tell them we will never get over drinking until we've done our utmost to straighten out the path because that's what i'm there for i'm being driven by this truth that if i don't get free and clear by admitting my wrongs honestly attempting to sweep up my side of the street with zero regard to what you do your reaction what you've done in the past. I will never get over drinking, and that's the truth. That's the reality. This isn't about, I need you to like me again. I'm worried Michael and I aren't going to be buddies because I've said something, and now he's mad at me, so I need to go clean it up, so when we see each other at the home group, it's not weird, but you see people do that. Do you see how that's different? That's a motive. That'S about,I don't want to be uncomfortable because he's bad at me. I don't want him to say something about me. No, I did something wrong. That's why I get in front of him for no other reason. We're there to sweep off our side of the street realizing nothing worthwhile can be accomplished until we do so. Never trying to tell him what he should do. Sometimes we read this book and we don't really look at the words and the verbiage that they've chosen to use. It's so important. Never. Because what my mind says is, but you don't understand this person. You don't know really about this circumstance. and all of a sudden the little nuances become important to me. They're not. Never, under any circumstance, do I criticize you, argue, or tell you what you should do. My God, I've just joined a 12-step fellowship. I'm attempting to sweep up all the drama from my past, and suddenly I'm going to tell you What You Should Do? I mean, when you look at it like that, it's like, wow, the absolute arrogance and ridiculousness of that. It's kind of like when we get on a spiritual mode of living and our family's been on a spiritual mode of living, like, I don't know, their whole life. And we're going to tell them how to get spiritual. It's the same concept. Outside looking in, wow. His faults are not discussed. We stick to our own. I mean, how many times can they say that? Same thing over and over. If our manner is calm, frank, and open, we'll be gratified with the result. That's probably one of my favorite promises from the amends because it's not specific to a reaction or a result. And my mind is always one track of I need this result, this reaction, this experience. And what the amends is allowing me to do is set aside what I think should happen, admit my wrongs honestly, and let the chips fall where they may. I don't need Michael to forgive me. I don'T need him to be okay with me again. See how that works? Whereas before, wasn't that your driving motivation, number one, of why you were there in the first place? And two, you weren't happy unless you got the results you needed. Now what this book is saying is I can be gratified with the results no matter what it is. Which means if he stays upset with me, bless him, that's on him. I can get the result. I can feel gratified if, the big old if, I'm calm, frank, and open. Which is very different than the way we interact with people prior to getting sober. Calm, frank and open, we're usually hysterical, dishonest. and sort of shady, right? Throwing bits and pieces of stuff in there. This is direction to give people that you sponsor and it's so clear and precise that it doesn't get any more simple than that. We could talk for hours about amends. We really could because there's lots of experience here. There's lots of direction. There's lot of four instances if this happens do this. The truth is this if I'm willing to get in front of people I've sought direction from a sponsor I'm crystal clear on what I'm doing there God will show up god will give me the word and i will get free that's the truth that's the truth but what happens is fear settles in and i'm wondering how is this going to pan out it doesn't matter but you won't know that until you do it and the people that you sponsor will will possibly question it until they do it then they have the experience of showing up prior to doing this stuff um these steps and these principles most of us if we were afraid to do something, we didn't do it. Or if we were uncomfortable with it, we didn't attempt it. We couldn't understand it and make it logically line up. We didn't participate. And in sobriety, what they're asking us to do is take the action anyway. Whether you understand it, whether you agree with it. Whether it feels right. I'm going to take the reaction and leave the results up to God. It doesn't say that I have to not be in fear. There's lots of things that we do like making some of these amends that we've been frightened to do, there's lots of things that we do and then we leave the results up to God. It doesn't matter how it pans out. I remember hearing that in sobriety and thinking, Lord, you clearly don't have to make some of the amends that I have to make until you have the experience with God. In nine cases out of ten, the unexpected happens and then it goes on to talk about sometimes your former enemies will praise you and wish you well, but it should not matter however someone does throw us out of his office. We've made our demonstration, done our part. It's water over the dam. See how that worked? It didn't matter if he stopped me in the middle of the amends and said, you know what, no, that's enough. I leave. Because that will happen. Sometimes those experiences do take place where somebody allows you to come in and then stops you and says, you know What, I'm not interested. Or they won't return any of your phone calls when you're attempting to call and set up an appointment to make amends with them. But what the literature is saying is I have to have the willingness to do it. Me staying sober is not contingent upon you accepting my amends or you meeting with me. A lot of times people are afraid of that. How can I get sober if people won't see me? No means not now. Sometimes it means it will be later, you know. There's people that they don't want to hear your amends right now but if you give them time, they may but it doesn't matter. I've done my demonstration, water over the dam, if I'm willing to show up and attempt it. There's lots of people I've contacted, and it did not always go my way, but I got free anyway. Most alcoholics owe money. Is that the truth? Anybody not owe money? I always like to poll and look for the one person who's like, oh, any money? We don't dodge our creditors. This idea of not living a double life has got to continue on past the fifth step. It's got to continue on in the way that I live and show up. Me hiding from people that I owe money from creates more fear, which causes me to rely more on myself, which creates more peer, and it's this vicious cycle of me hiding in sobriety, which means that when the creditor calls, I need to answer the phone. I need attempt to set up a payment plan. I need be honest about who I am, what's been going on, and what my intentions are. I love to tell somebody that that owes money to creditors and their eyes get about like this big. Surely you don't mean that. Surely you don't mean that I need to pay people back for things that I've taken. Surely I don't go to the department store and set up a payment plan. Yes, I surely do mean that. I surely does. Because what it says is I'm arranging the best deal we can where you let these people know we're sorry. Our drinking's made us slow to pay. We must lose our fear of creditors no matter how far we have to go if we're reliable to drink if we are afraid to face them. Sometimes the tendency is I owe you $15,000. I want to wait until I've got $15,000 to give you, throw it on the table, and then we'll square it. But this is arranging the best deal we can, which means if I've Got $20 a week I can pay you, I need to show up with some money in hand to give You, arrange the best meal that we can and see what's acceptable to You. Is it possible I can Pay You $20.00 a week or $50.00 of month or whatever it is that You can work out until this debt is paid off. Is that acceptable to you? I'm not going to go in and tell you what the plan is, like we've been doing. Here's what I've decided, so you need to get on board with this. No, here's what i owe you. Here's the estimation as I see it. I've been drunk for a while, so I might be missing something. But here's the estimate as I can see it and here's how I can do. Is that accepted to you or not? If it's not, I'm going to have to figure something else out. It's going to be on their terms. arranging the best deal we can. And then it talks about a criminal offense. Surely no one in here has committed a criminal offense, right? What do we do? On 79, it says, although these reparations take innumerable forms, there are some general principles with which we find our guiding. So it doesn't matter what it is. If it's finances, criminal offense, there's your first ninth step prayer, reminding ourselves we decided to go to any lengths to find a spiritual experience. How many times are they going to remind us of that? How many Well, because how many times are we trying to back up, trying to balk on this? We ask that we be given strength and direction to do the right thing no matter what the personal consequences may be. And some of us are going to have this. Some of us will have things that we've got to bring to light and accept whatever the outcome, whatever the personal consequence. We may lose our position or reputation or face jail, but we are willing. We have to be. We must not shrink at anything. Other people can get away with not doing this. Real alcoholic? Absolutely can't. I can't get away with shrinking at some of this stuff. There are things in my past that I had to bring to light and say, what needs to be done about this? Was I afraid? Absolutely. But was I more afraid I would drink again? Yeah. Yeah. And then it's worth it. And if you know anything about Dr. Bob's story, you know this is where he went. Anything but that. I'm willing to do this. Right up until the point that you asked me to make amends to people, and admit my alcoholism, not willing to do that. Didn't want to compromise his career. Didn't wanna compromise his family, his reputation. Reputation seems to be a big one. How people view me, what they think of me, I don't wanna admit, right? Unwilling, unwilling, unwilling right up into the point where he drank again, went back out, got real busy making amends, right. Alcohol is the great persuader like we talked about earlier. I will never beat you into a state of reasonableness that gives you the willingness to go out and get in front of people and make right your wrongs. I'm just not that powerful, nor do I have that kind of time. I will ever be able to do that. Alcohol is the great persuader. If you're done, you get real willing real quick. And if not, I get into prayer. All right, and it talks about what to do when other people are involved. It says we need not be the hasty and foolish martyr who would needlessly sacrifice others to save himself from the alcoholic pit. So what do we do when other people are involved? All kinds of for instances on that, but I don't get to throw you under the bus to save me, which is how I operated before. It didn't matter if you got harmed. I needed to get the results I needed. So I was willing to throw You out there. Now that I'm sober and trying to live on a spiritual basis, I don' t do that. If there's something that's happened between a group of us and I need to set it straight with somebody else, I don't get to talk about all those people in the group and throw them out there. I get to go and admit my wrongs. See how that works? And it talks about a story of a guy who didn't pay alimony to his first wife. Now, he could have just gone to jail and set it out. Isn't that what some of us like to do? Let me just sit it out, but then what? Then he's not paying for his current family. He's not giving them the finances that they need, and he's now paying her back for what he owed her. So wouldn't that have been silly? foolish martyr to just, I'll just spit it out. So what needs to happen? And this is where sponsorship gets so important because sometimes guys, we think we know. We think we know and we want to use things like logic. And I can get with that, but we're attempting to live in the fourth dimension where some things don't apply. Third dimension is what makes sense. What's obvious. Fourth dimension is, what's God asking me to do? Am I awake to this stuff. And since I'm new and I don't know, I need to be asking my sponsor for some suggestions, for some guidelines from some of her experience and the experience of her sponsor, okay? All right, flip over to 80. So what I do when I've got other people that are involved, it says if we have obtained permission, permission from who? The other people that are involved have consulted with others, asked God to help in the drastic step is indicated, we must not shrink. One more time they're telling me I've got to be willing to do whatever's necessary, but I better have gone through some checkpoints before this has happened. Amends is not something to be kind of willy-nilly about. It has the propensity to harm other people, right? And that's kind of how the step reads, is it not? I'm willing to make amends unless I'm going to be harmed? No. Others will be harmed. I hear that all of times this girl i used to work with used to say but i'm an other and i thought no you're a self you're not an other you're yourself no if i didn't make amends because it would harm me i wouldn't make any amends it'd be just embarrassing i'm not an others i'm a self but i need to obtain the permission of the people that it has the propensity to affect okay there's my sponsor tells a story about an amends that she absolutely needed to make but her daughter said please don't Please don't. Because it was going to affect her. You know what she did? She didn't get to make that amends. She held herself in readiness until her daughter said, I give you the go-ahead. Make that amend. But I have to consider the people that are around me, which is not something that we've been doing. Or I wasn't anyway. At the bottom of page 80, it talks about domestic trouble. Does anybody have any of those? I mean, here's the thing. If you don't have some of this stuff that's going on, you will sponsor people that do. So you need to get clear on what to do with this stuff. Don't ask the questions. Don't wait until it comes up. Ask. What do you do with This Stuff? Maybe you've never been in a relationship. You don't know what infidelity looks like or what to do, what not to do, what to say, how to... Ask. Ask. Don't be too arrogant to ask. In the middle of page 81, it says, whatever the situation, we usually have to do something about it. If we are sure our wife does not know, should we tell her? Not always, we think. Now this is where it can get dicey and specifics and details and things like that. And again, this is why I bring my sponsor into the picture and lay it out and say, should I or should I not? And there's so many people in our fellowship.