Fourth Step Inventory and Resentment – Awakening Workshop – Part 5 of 18 – Local AA Speakers

copy of the inventory that you can get off of the bbaworks.com under tools is the inventory packet I think we call it. What do we call? Inventory? The resentment examples and worksheets. Resentment examples and work sheets, it has them all filled out, it's about 25 pages so if you're looking on BBA Works website that's where you'll find it okay. All right. Pat Alcoholic. Welcome, welcome. And how did everybody do on their, we're going to jump, we're doing some review for just a moment on the third step, but how did anybody feel after the third-step experience last Tuesday night? Was that a good experience? I've heard some feedback from people saying, I've never had an experience like that. And I think that's great. If you're open to what God's going to do in this fourth step. The third step is just the decision. It's followed by the action. The action is what we're doing in four, five, six, seven, eight, and nine. Okay? So let's do some quick review of what happened in that third step, just so we know where we're at. Okay. I find that the third step is where i find most of my resentments showing up because i live in a third step position where i forget that i turn my will how i think what i believe what concepts what emotions what belief systems in general what principles I live by I forget that I turned all of that called my will over to God and then I forget that I turn my life over to god how you show up in my life how business shows up in my life how recreation shows up in our lives how friendships how intimate relationships show up all that stuff I forget and I think that I'm back in control and that I fall back into the delusion in the third step question, which is, am I convinced that any life lived on self-will can hardly be called a what? A success. So I usually have to wait for that thing beats on me for a while before I realize, whoops, I fell into something here. And it's usually because i'm in resentment or i'm in fear or my relationship sideways which thank god we have a fourth step for we also have an 11th step and a 10th step for but i have some tools that i could use but i get to the using these tools because i forgot that i turned my will and my life over the care of god as i understood him now the cool thing about this step three is that god shows up whether i know it or not, God shows up and says I got you. You're not going to be harmed you're safe, you're protected it's okay to face the demons in your life that you've been running from and drinking and using over for all this time see I get so uncomfortable in my insides because I'm not living the way that God made us to be. God made use of me in relationship with God. And when we try to be independent of God, we get all sort of funked out, wigged out, sideways. So that third step, am I absolutely convinced that any life lived on self-will can hardly become a success, be a success? And then secondly, am I still under the delusion that I can rest, wrestle, manipulate, work it out, right? Work it out. This life that I'm living, if I could just rest satisfaction and happiness out of this life, only I manage well or just manage. so I get my in that head space where I can't manage my way out of a paper bag how do I know that's happening what's going on in my head do I have 12 voices tell me you know how screwed up I am uh how everything is going wrong how nothing's turning out the way it should I can' t manage it well so I try something different I get on the next occasion a little bit more generous a little bit more helpful a little more kind a little but more loving or that's not working so well and I say, you know what? I'm putting the hammer down. You start doing what I tell you to do. I'm going to be a little more forceful. I need more direct. I want to be more arrogant. I mean, a little bit more snippy. I do whatever I want to do to manage the situation so that everybody gets the idea. Fall in line because I am the director. I am The Principal. I Am God. I AM The Father. Okay, that's that third step position before i take the prayer i get sideways every time when a sponsor comes to me and says man this is going on this going on what's going on it's a great tell me where you are in that third step it's always a third step position that's causing this trouble so don't think that the third step is one and done and it's gone it's not there's always places that it shows up either i think self-will is going to work or i think that just a little bit more effort i'm going to get that satisfaction and happiness that i always wanted and no thank you god i don't have to worry about you getting in the way and bucking things up make sense all right so we get to the place where badly beaten enough and we simply say uncle i surrender god here after this drama called life you are going to be the father you know how to be keeping me safe and protected God I don't want to represent me anymore I'm worn out how about I represent you and show up as one person instead of 75 stage characters make sense pat the worker pat the husband pat the father pat the blah blah blah and I'm wore out it's only 6am I haven't even started the day and I am already worn out right pat is no longer the director so we give all this over to god and then it's like we sit there and wait for the heavens to part and open up and everything should be better right because we've got all these promises coming in the third step and we truly take a third step position but my experience is that truly that third step physician is a work in progress that comes back in truth as i've done four five six seven eight and nine not always but a lot of times does it help all right so we're gonna um do the prayer uh no i think we're going to do the fourth step prayer. So if you have your BBA workbook, page 53. Give you guys a second to get it. And then we're going to go launching. Awesome. Launching. Awesome! Rocketing. Even better. Okay, let's say it together. God, please help me face and be rid of the things in myself which have been blocking me from you, other people, and myself. All right. Someone get those lights in the back. Make sure your cell phones are on silent, please. Thank you. Okay, can someone get those lights in the back? Thanks, Bob. I have props. Props! My name's Leanne. I'm a recovered alcoholic. Hi, Leanne! And I love seeing this room full for Step 4. This is like, this is awesome. Is it the food or is it the work? what is it because this is it the food really okay all right all right so you remember in the beginning of the of the when we first started this when we First started the work you guys remember this display that I had you guys remember this okay yeah so we saw that we and and this is kind of good this gives us a good visual of where we're at like we needed these we need these top three things. The sponsorship guide, the big book and then the workbook that stays with us the whole time. And then for the steps one, two and three we were in the idiot's guide. We spent a lot of time just in this half, over half the time is just in the idiots guide. So now we're on step four, the Big Book Awakening where it says the fourth step workshop, resentment examples and worksheets. I passed some of those out. That's a packet. Who did not get one? okay I'll hand those out thank you Pat thank you Vanna alright can we make sure that there's one person back there didn't get one there's one more in the back no I don't think so okay alright that's a sample it's a sample workbook basically what's in this workbook is it's going to be sample resentment inventories a lot of them all right there's a lot of them and then there's some blank ones in there there's a sample fear grid and then a blank fear grid there's a bunch of sample sex inventories and some blank sex inventory on the very back it's sex ideal today let's not go ahead of ourselves we're only focusing on the first page of the Resentment Inventory. What Pat and I, our goal is today is to get you guys through the first, second, and the third column and we're going to do it tonight. So you guys want to get through this, right? And the reason why we're gonna do that is because we're not doing much more writing in our big book anymore at this point. So most all your writing, there's still a little bit obviously, there's so some statements that we've turned into questions. But all you're writing now is in your fourth step, right? And it's on that workbook that we just showed you. So you'll have resentment inventories that you'll be writing. You'll have a fear grid that you're going to be writing down. You'll be having sex inventories and you'll also have a sex ideal. So that's where all your writing is going to go. And the way that the sponsorship guide is broken up, we think it keeps us too long in there, right, So some of you that have done this work before, it keeps us too long. Since you're not going to have so much writing in your big book, you guys can finish a page a night, two pages a night. Three pages a day until next week and have the whole front side of the resentment inventory done. So what we're going to do tonight is Pat and I are going to go over the few pages that cover step four of the resentment inventory. I'm going to cover the first couple pages. Pat's going to color the rest. And then we're gonna divide up how we're going to tell you we're gonna show you instructions on how to do first second and third column okay capiche everybody good with that all right all right so we're on page um so right now step four starts on page sixty four and it says therefore we started upon a personal inventory this was step for. A business which takes no regular inventory usually goes broke. And that goes with everything in life, right? If you own a business and you have food or even not even necessarily business, let's just say you have a refrigerator full of food. You can't just leave everything in there, right? You have to go through it and clean out your refrigerator. Taking a commercial inventory is a fact-finding and a fact facing process it is an effort to discover the truth about the stock and trade right we're going to discover our stock and trade one object is to disclose damage or unsaleable goods to get rid of them promptly and without regret how many of you would say you'd have some unsaleble goods and some things that you're clinging to and hanging on to that you want to be rid of right and if we're beyond human aid that means i'm beyond myself helping myself self-will right i'm going to need some help at this point this is i'm gonna need some help from my from my higher power from from god to get me through this if the owner of the business is to be successful he cannot fool himself about values we did exactly the same thing with our lives we took stock honestly first we searched out the flaws in our makeup which caused our failure being convinced that self manifested in various ways was what had defeated us we considered it common manifestation so if i have a refrigerator full of food right and and this is kind of how this is the analogy of how i look at my life up to this point when i first got sober like like there was shit that needed to be cleaned out of my in my pantry right and so now i'm going through there and that's what we're doing when we're looking at this inventory we're going to there's some things that i can keep you know i not everything has to be thrown away. Not everything has an expiration date, but there's some things that do because what happens if I eat those things right? I'm going to get sick and die. And same thing with resentment inventory. We have to look at it that way. It's really quite that simple. All right. Resentment is the number one offender. Not the number two, not the fourth. Ressentment is the number one Offender. Why do you think so many people get to this four-step inventory and quit? because nobody wants to take a look at themselves nobody wants to do the work I think a lot of people are just fucking lazy but seriously because it is a lot work but do I really want to be free how free do I want to being it destroys more alcoholics than anything else from its stem all forms of spiritual disease we have we have been then not only mentally and physically ill we have been spiritually sick all right so this is where that statement comes in when the spiritual malady is overcome we straighten out mentally and physically and i'm going to be able to see that my spiritual malaty needs to be overcome and that and that that's when i can be recovered from this seemingly hopeless state of mind and body going through this inventory is going to help me do that in dealing with resentment column one we set them on paper we listed people institutions and principles right and those of you that made a list you made a list of probably your biggest list was people I'm assuming right and then some of you had institutions on there maybe maybe none of you have maybe some of you had no institutions and then you had principles maybe a few maybe not so much right that's column one with whom we were angry we asked ourselves why we were angry column two and we're going to go over that in most cases it was found that our self esteem now we're gonna look at seven areas of self so if you look that's a resentment inventory in the third column there's seven different areas one of them is self-esteem the other with pocketbooks. Those are ambition, our personal relationships, security. It's going to mention that on page 65 as sex relations and at the bottom of sex relations in that in the first, second, and third column is pride. Those Are The Seven Areas Of Self That We're Going To Look At When We Do This Inventory. We'll go over that in a little bit. All right? All right. So on our grudge list we set opposite each name of our injuries. Was it our self-esteem, our security, our ambitions our personal or sex relations which have been interfered with we were usually as definite as this example and this is exactly how we're doing it right? It's just that our columns are across right? So see where it says I'm resentful at when you look at your resentment inventory the first one is I am resentful in lower case letters just like the big book the second column is the cause in lowercase letter and letters and underline that's the second column and then the the third column is affects my affects my and it's all those all those things that we just listed that i talked about your self-esteem your pride your ambition your security personal relations sex relations and pocketbook all right does that make sense okay all right so uh we went back through our lives nothing counted but thoroughness and honesty. I don't know of any other way to do a resentment inventory as thorough as this. I'm telling you, in the first four years of me being sober, I probably did, I don' t know how many different inventories, and none of them were as thorough at this. I'm sure some of you have seen this. Those of you not in your head have either done it before or know what I'm talking about, but nothing is quite as impactful as doing an inventory this way. I've done inventories that were checklists. I've written my inventories like in the big book here. It just was hard for me to grasp and to understand and really take a look at or have an experience with what it was trying to say, but the way we do it is not any really different. It's just extended from the big book, okay? We're just extending it and doing it a little bit more thorough. So we went through, we went back through our lives, nothing counted but thoroughness and honesty. When we were finished, we considered it carefully. The first thing apparent was that this world and its people were quite, were often quite wrong, right? Do I believe that? To conclude that others were wrong was just as far as most of us ever got. And that was as far as I got in a lot of inventories that I did. I saw, I just saw where they were wrong, and we're going to go deeper than that in this inventory. The usual outcome was that people continued to wrong us, and I stayed sore. Sometimes I was remorse, and then we were sore at ourselves. But the more we fought and tried to have our own way, the worse matters got. The more that I tried to self-impose or self-do anything, I tried it myself, I tried trying to fix it my way, right? The worst things got. As in war, the victor only seemed to win. Our moments of triumph were short-lived. And at that point, I'm going to turn it over to Pat. all right we're really not rushing this but i mean the best way for you to experience this thing is we actually get in and do some of this stuff so leanne so far has talked about that column one people institutions and principles principles fancy word this is a quick aside your beliefs how you should show up in life you know no one should take advantage of me I should never trust anybody. You know, it could be whatever it is that drives you. Go along to get along might be a principle. And the principle's not working out so well. And if you have some of those that are going on, we'll surface them up. We'll find them and we'll help you with those, okay? Usually they'll show up in your third column. Okay, so in the text, picking up where we were, it is plain that a life that includes deep resentments leads only to futility and unhappiness. This sort of circles back to that, what is unsaleable in my life? In other words, it just isn't valuable. It's just not worth holding on to. In other words, if I think about the time I spend in resentments, it's a time that I'm not present with anybody. When I'm in a resentment, I'm preoccupied everybody agree with that? and I'm not much use for experiencing life as it's right now going on in presence I can't really show up in other people's lives I can even show up my own life I'm just totally tied up in knots to the precise extent that we permit these do we squander the hours that might have been worthwhile but the alcoholic whose hope and maintenance and growth of a spiritual experience this business of resentment is infinitely grave bottom line some people could get along with resentments that are not alcoholics or addicts because they can cop a bad attitude and take some personal temporary relief in a drug or an alcohol and they don't struggle they tie one on have a great night with it the obsession doesn't hit the allergic reaction doesn't hit they have a hangover the next day maybe they go on a two-day bender call it good they have enough temporary relief life's okay that's not my experience with the drink i had a resentment in 1991 thought a little drink would help i quit in 2002 because god separated me from the drink 11 years is not what i call a weekend bender all right that was my experience so i can't afford to think I have enough power in my life to hold on to resentment that it's never going to screw me up. See, when I get into enough resentment, I am going to have a strange mental blank spot. I won't know when, where, and how it's going to show up and I will pick up a drink. And if I think through what that first step experience was for me and I think about picking up a drunk after my history with the drink today i don't want to die and that's how infinitely grave these resentments are so how serious am i at 14 and a half years in sobriety about doing resentment inventory and keeping current in 10 and 11 and growing and understanding effectiveness very serious about it how long do i let it go not very long long enough to get a real butt itch and then i get to it you know i get to the get to fixing it real quick infinitely grave it'll kill me we found that it's fatal for when harboring such feelings we shut ourselves off from the sunlight of the spirit i need access to power i need excess to power and i get blocked i'm done the insanity the alcohol returns i drink again and when i drink i die can you guys relate if we are to live i had to be free from the anger. The grouch, the brainstorm, the temper tantrum were not for me. They may be the dubious, doubtful luxury of normal men but for alcoholics these things are poison. We turn does everyone stop? Are we going on to the fourth column? I can't remember. I think that's where we stop. Okay, that's what we're stopping. Okay, good. That's where we're stopping? Okay. um all right yeah so we're going to stop right there this is up to the third column and now we're now what we're gonna do is leanne and i are actually going to take you through some actual inventories in part we're to go through a column one a column two in all the seven areas of column three okay so we'll walk through those slowly so if you have your work packet, pull that out, because Leanne and I are going to refer to that, okay? Leanne? Okay, this is the fun part. We're way ahead of schedule. We're doing great. This is the fine part. What we're going to do is pull out a blank inventory, one that you haven't filled out yet. Does anybody need some extra inventories? I think Tiffany, did you have some, hon? She's got a couple. If you have a blank one, one or two, grab a blank point out and get ready because this is where the workshop comes in. Tiffany's holding up some blank inventories if anybody needs one. okay I'll give everybody a few minutes get a pen or pencil all right got a blank one you need what, hey Christian, did you need my, she's Tiffany over there. Okay. Okay, you can go to page 65 and see how we're following along the book, the way the book does it. I am resentful at your homework last week was to ask you to make a list of everyone every prints every person principal institution you were resentful at how many of you did that guys are great okay it's okay if you didn't that's fine um so what we're gonna do is I want you to write down a person let's just start with a person it's the easiest than an institution or a principal so I want everybody to start off writing a person first person that comes to their mind that they need to write the resentful act mother-in-law I'm going to go I'm going to give you the example of my mother- in-law God I hope she never hears this but it doesn't matter I think I think what's easiest is if we do spouse boyfriend girlfriend parents are easy usually to start off with. Usually, I'm not saying all the time. So in most cases, I would think you should write the first person that comes to mind. Now, I want you to know, I am going to give you the example of my mother-in-law. I don't have this resentment with her anymore. I use it because it's funny. But I want to, I think a lot of people who have in-laws can easily put their in-laws in the first column. So from most of us, right? All right. So obviously, the first column is easy. I'm going to write mother-in-law, all right? My mother-on-law is who I'm resentful at. All right, the cause is basically what it says. We have to list the reasons why we're mad at this person. But remember, there's three lines here. We don't need to write a whole book. Sometimes what we need you to do is to basically, you're going to end up with a target statement for this person, all Right? A column two, right. So column two of the causes, that's what we're moving to now. Column one, we already know how to fill that out. Column two is the cause, all right? So the cause for my mother-in-law is she told me I couldn't wear a veil because I wasn't a virgin at my wedding. She danced during the father and daughter dance while I was dancing with my dad at my marriage. wedding she told me I was tacky and she showed up wearing white to my wedding right okay do you think I have a right to be angry all right so what look there are a whole bunch of other things that happen but I'm putting the primary things that show up in the cause, why I'm angry. See, because for 10 years, I took my mother-in-law with me everywhere I went. Do you see what I'm saying? When I have a resentment with somebody, they take a shower with me, they go on vacation with me. They go to work with me they're in my head all the time. I'm doing the dishes. I've gone to sleep at night. This person's in my head. Alcohol removed that, right? And now I don't have the alcohol to remove that anymore. So what am I, so I have to do this. So it's the only one, only the only way this could be removed is with God. All right. So in the cause, I list the things that, and the reasons why I'm angry. If you look at your examples here, they've got target statements. So what's really cool about this workbook that I just passed out to all of you is there's a whole bunch of examples. If you get stuck writing the cause or even in the third column or anywhere on this inventory, go and look at how the examples are. So let's take a look at say for instance Mrs. Jones which is like the second one. It says page three. And by the way, the way these are written are so that you can see the front and the back together as you open it up. Okay? That's the front and the back side of the resentment inventory. So it says the cause of Mrs. Jones. She's a nut, she snubbed me, she committed her husband for drinking, he's a friend, she's a gossip. And then there's parentheses. And the parentheses are going to be a target. The target statement, basically your thesis, all right, looks down on me for drinking with her husband and compared about it to others. so my target statement for my mother-in-law, she's a bitch that's my target statement, you can write whatever you want that's just my target statement, alright she's the bitch like I said I'm not just saying this because this is being recorded I honestly don't have these feelings today because of doing the work this way ok is everyone clear on that so go ahead and write your reasons yes Rodney Yeah, Leanne, I am not clear as to why we need a target statement. When I've gone through the work before, I'm just not clear. When we're writing everything down, we're riding the person, we're ridding why, and we're taking care of it. Why do we need targets? You know what? It's just the way that we've always done it, and do you know why? You got the, when you're writing a target, it crystallizes how pissed off you are. It's like a summary. Yeah, it's a summary of the gut-visceral reaction. Because if you're write down resentment inventory and you don't have an emotional flare up, you haven't gotten to your target. Does that make sense? You gotta get to the stuff that's lighting you up. Does that makes sense? Okay, are you clear with that? Yeah. I know I am. Yeah. I look at it like a thesis. Like, I get it. Like a bullet point for me to look at. And it's just... That's why. Just a bullet points. We never use it again is my point. What do you mean we never use the book? We never reuse it again. No, no. We don't use it in doing our resentment, in doing all four columns. I mean, I didn't. Well, we do. Wait till we get to the realization. Yeah. Yeah. Wait till we get to the realization. Yes? I didn't realize that what your main point was right down the what? The target. The target, right? The target? Think of it as like a bullet point that summarizes every reason why you're angry or mad at the person, why you resentful at that person, right. My mother, I just listed all the things that she did to me, that was just one day, right, okay, and my target is she's, you know, she's a bitch, she was a bitch. And we'll keep doing some more examples. Okay, yeah, we'll do some more samples. All right, any other questions on the cause? Yes. I just have a quick question about the first line. Okay. Number blank and then another blank. And I noticed it says 1A 2A. What are the A's? Where is she talking about? If you have multiple resentments against mom, if you have like six or seven real resentments and you want to break them down, 1A 1B. Oh, oh, oh. Okay, okay. Yeah. But why are there two blanks? Yeah, you can number them. Yeah, and 1A or 2A, yeah. Like if you have two... Go ahead, Todd. If you have... You're going to have some of them, they do so much crap to you or you feel like so much crap's going on, you can't narrow it down to just one target. Right. You might have to narrow it down to two or three targets for mom. For mom. So mom's a bitch, mom's blah, and mom's boom. Right. One A, B, and C. I'm going to try to tell you, just keep it simple the first time going through the work. Let's not overcomplicate this It really shouldn't be that complicated. That's why we feel, I mean you're a smart group of people here. We can get you through this first page. It's really very easy. Don't overthink it. It' s really not that difficult. So just keep it to a point because you're going to see the result is still going to be the result is good okay so don't feel like you have to overthink and think of every single solitary thing that this person did to you just that's why we write a bullet point at the end a target statement whatever you want to call it everybody clear on that okay great like I said if you get stuck go to the examples that's Why We Handed You This Book just look at some of the examples and just follow the examples all right so now we've just told you how to do the first column. Now we told you how to do the second column. Everyone's clear on the first and second column? Okay, I'm going to cover the first two things of the seven areas of self in the third column. We call them the seven áreas of self because they're seven different areas, all right, and how we're going to look at this. Now if you remember, we just recapped step three. Remember the play, right? How I need everybody to be, how I need you to behave to be okay. If you would just do this, my ballet and my play would come off perfectly, right. We were just in step three talking about that. Step three is going to really show itself and rear its ugly head in this third column, right, we're going to see how we have put roles on people and roles on situations and how things are supposed to look, alright? So in affects my, keep columns, it's right here where it says affects my keep columns one and two in mind while writing the third column considerations. Page 65, paragraph 3, line 3 we considered it carefully. See we're doing everything the book is telling us to do, we're not making this stuff up. Look at the third volume and consider the opposite of each sentence to let the inventory reveal your fears behind each of the seven areas of self. Alright? So, notice the word fear is bracketed alongside the difficulties. Okay, so notice for each area of self notice for every area of yourself there's three lines. We want you to keep it to one line. Okay? Just try to keep it one line the first time through the work. Well, you've done the work before, Anissa, so if you need to write two lines on something then fine go ahead but we don't like i said keep it simple like don't overthink this so um self-esteem how i see or feel about myself the role i've assigned myself i'm looking at my mother-in-law in this picture and i see what she's done to me and the role I've assigned myself so i imagine myself standing here right you guys are the audience and this is my mother in law and how I need to be, right? And the role that I've assigned myself in life and how it's supposed to look because daughter-in-laws are supposed to be loved and respected by their mother-in laws. And mother-In-laws were supposed to love and respect their daughter-In laws despite what they do. And Mother-In Laws should be daughter- In laws best friends. These are the ideas that I have about how a mother- In law supposed to see the role I've assigned myself, this sentence needs to start off with, I am the best daughter-in-law she could have. Right? Wouldn't that be how I want it to be? Wouldn'T that be the role that I've assigned myself? I am THE BEST DAUGHTER-IN-LAW SHE COULD HAVE. And that's the sentence that I write there. You guys get it? Okay. So I am The Best Daughter-In-Law That She Could Have. what is the fear behind that? I have to look at the opposite. The opposite of that, in the brackets I have to write the fear. The fear is opposite of being the best, I'm not good enough. So I write not good enough. The fears that we're looking at, we're not looking at fears of snakes and bears and things. We're looking at things that block us from God. That block us from a relationship with other people, right? That blockus from God, alright? So the fear of not being good enough. Yes? So, the first line, I am the best son. The best friend, son. And the second one, second line from that, Leave it blank. Keep it simple this first time through. Let's just do one line. Look, if you feel compelled to write something else because it comes to you, then write it. But don't feel like you have to fill all three lines. You don't have to. They're there. You know, when you go through the work the second or third time, you might feel compelledto write more than one line, okay? But for right now, you're just going to write, I would write for this one, I'm the best daughter-in-law she could have. The fear is really I don't feel good enough for her I don' t feel good Enough for her son All right Make sense Okay So the second Area of self Is my pride How I think Others see Or feel About me The role I've assigned To others so if i'm standing here and i've got my mother-in-law sitting across from me in the audience always imagine that always imagine other people out here the person in the first column sitting in front of you on a stage and you hear what do i need others to see what do I like like I need everybody else in the family to see that I am a great daughter-in-law. Others should see that I'm a good person. Right? Others should say that I' m a good person. What's the fear? Again, not good enough. Is anyone stuck on that? Yes. so read to me what you've got so far in your first column do you want to read what you have in your first column and your second column you don't have to what is it that you're stuck on I got you so we can show you some more examples let me throw an example yeah okay yes go ahead so I resemble my friend right because he always picked on me at school and took 25 cents a day second column okay good so my self esteem I am a wimp and did not stand up No, because that's not the thing. How do you want to be viewed? Wouldn't you want to be reviewed? I want to be viewed as I'm a good friend, right? I need to be viewed as, what do I need? I need to be viewed as a good friend, right? Not that I'm a wimp, but because that's how he made you feel, right? But the thing is, is that self-esteem, my self-esteem is how I see or feel about myself the role I've assigned myself right does that make sense to you like I wouldn't the role that you assigned yourself would be I'm a strong person that can stand up for myself right, I'ma strong person and then the fear would be that I am that I'm not opposite opposite of strong that I'M weak right, that's the fear your fear the role that you assign yourself isn't the fear, the role that you assigned yourself is how you need to appear in front of these people how you need to appear in font of this person the role I've assigned myself I need to appear as a strong one right? The fear is that I'm weak does that make sense? Okay Is everybody clear on that? Pride, others should see that I'm, others should see that I am a great daughter-in-law. Fear of not being good enough. Others should see that I love my husband. Right? If I'm going to write a second line there, others should seethat I lovemyhusband. Fear of opposite, fear of not being loved. Or not being good enough right all right I'm going to let Pat finish ambition security personal relations sex relations and pocketbook all right for the same one okay my mother yeah so one of the things when you're writing the inventory the first first couple times you go through it it might be a little choppy might be a little bit clunky for you don't worry about it you're going to get to some truth that pride that leanne was talking about it's what you know remember in that first column it's saying around the people and the principles and institutions i'm sore i'm burned up i'm threatened i'm angry i'm interfered with i'm injured those are sort of the watch words to recall to your mind as you're walking through these columns because when leanne said pride i am the best daughter and everyone should see me as a best daughter-in-law or as a great person when mom-in law is telling leanne not to wear white or veil or all their stuff what's that making leanne feel like inside right so the pride is what's getting interrupted what's not being sold if you will to other people and I thought what I could do I'm going to give you an example, I'm gonna take one through like a person, just a quick inventory is that okay? Or do you want to go through the mother-in-law is that right? I can finish going through mother-In-Law really quick. What page is mother-IN-Low on? Oh, okay that's what I'm saying I gotcha I got you. So, I'm going to do one with the other columns, okay? This is a current inventory item that I'm through it. God's removed it. But this is about probably two months ago, okay. It was burning me up. And the situation was this. We live on a ranch. We rent from a 93-year-old woman. And the deal was she bought like five goats and she was supposed to take care of them. And gradually she wasn't taking care of him. So, Karen, my wife, and I started taking care OF the goats. and then it got to be too much in terms of the detail we wanted her to fill in and do what she claimed she was supposed to do and she's a real religious person and always jamming on karen and i for not going to church with her on sunday and and how she'sa good person you know and we're we're heathens or something i don't even know what but anyway it's sort of pissing me off and so here's what happened we had told her because of my time scheduled for work I couldn't take care of the goats anymore I know it sounds stupid but I'm going to tell you what it is, things that piss you off and I love animals anybody who knows me knows how much I love animals, I'd do anything for an animal more for animals than with people quite frankly, most of the time sorry to tell ya that but and so taking care of these goats there's a ton of detail and you got to be up on it you gotta in and we gave her explicit instructions of what she needed to do she had caregivers and people around the property they could do what we need to have done it has to be done twice a day and if you don't do it they'll die one of them died over them not caring for the animals all right and it was doesn't matter the detail but so the elizabeth is the gal's name in the first calm and what i said my target for a second was she treats her dough her goats and her dogs badly is a religious hypocrite all right so there's a couple things going on all right religious person ought to you know show up and be loving and caring and affectionate and treat you know everything like bambi you know that kind of deal right so self-esteem i'm going to skip uh i'll just say really fast and then we'll move on to the other items self-esteem i am the one who always helps others. My fear was every good thing that I try to do turns to shit. I can never stop it. The pride, others should always be able to count on me. My Fear, I'll become cold, snippy and destroy my emotional well-being okay now we're going to catch up okay so i wanted everybody to see me as warm and affectionate even though i wasn't taking care of the goats i wanted everybody to seem me as warm an affection does that make sense that's how i wanted to show up when everybody's out on the stage i wanted them to go oh pat's such a warm and afflictionate caring guy he's just always so nice and my fear is i'm so pissed off at this lady i'm to turn into a cold asshole i'm not going to give a crap about anything going on in that property screw all those goats let them all die that's not my attitude but i was afraid that's going to go on right all right so now ambition the situation it's the scene going on right i want everyone to treat me with consideration fairness kindness and be caring in other words when I tell Elizabeth to do certain things, I want her to do what she says she's going to do. Okay? That's going to show up really strongly in my security. So my ambition was I want everyone to treat me with consideration and fairness. Fear. No one gives a shit about me and I'm alone. Security. What do I need to be okay? The ambitions are stuff on the outside. The ambition is usually pretty easy. It's if you rewrote the scene, how do you want it to turn out? Elizabeth, take care of the damn goats. Get your people together. Do what you're supposed to do, right? If she does all of that on the outside, my security inside of me does what? Here's what it says. I need others to see that I am right, admit their mistakes, and do what I want. that shows up a lot in my security yeah I need others to see that I am right admit their mistakes and do what I want here's my fear I have no power to change others attitudes and actions I can't really protect myself or others okay is this helpful seriously because I mean I mean this sort of goes in a little bit some crazy stuff personal relations okay so what kind of relationships going on here I'm a tenant on the property she's a landlord but I'm also just casually I'm her friend with her and here's what I wrote down personal relations personal relations is all about that relationship what is my ideal how do I believe it should look in this situation so the relationship i put right down here as i said when you make an agreement as a friend you honor your word you honor your commitment fear rules do not apply to others and i can't make them feel shame hurt or disgust i have no power over others does that make any sense to you guys anybody else i mean is that is that clear what i'm writing there yeah so the first relations i said when you make an arrangement you honor your word and commitments fear rules don't apply to others in other words i couldn't make elizabeth honor that commitment i can't make them feel shame i couldn'T MAKE HER FEEL SHAME i couldnT MAKE her FEEL HURT i COULDN'T EVEN MAKE HERE FEEL DISGUSTED WITH HERSELF i want her to feel all those things i have no power i have NO POWER OVER OTHERS bottom line that's my fear i had no power over others sex relations my deep-seated belief about how a real man or a real woman should respond to this situation so i can look at it from both ends okay let's take the first part real women have compassion for others and protect others that's my deep seed of belief about how women should be. Real men can control the actions of others and make them sorry for not acting according to the code of conduct. Don't cross me. You cross me, and I've got control. What was the fear around that? I have no impact in others' lives. I have ability to control others sort of a weird deal that fear disorder keeps showing up like that pocketbook when I am operating apart from God I only have my own resourcing I only have my money only have emotional security I only own psychological well being I only my emotions all that kind of good stuff so here's what i wrote down for pocketbook what kind of what resources were being taken away or interfered with no one should let animals suffer or steal my peace of mind what's my fear i can't protect others or myself see, do you recognize that none of this is about this 93 year old gal that just didn't want to take care of some animals it was all about my stuff yeah sorry, sex relations on number two you talked about the woman and then a real man yeah, on the real man under sex relations, a real men can control the actions of others and make them sorry for not acting according to the code now i'm sort of you know sort of wandering a little bit with those but is are you seeing sort of the gist of how we go through this is that helpful yes who's still wondering like yeah it's a little fuzzy still it's hard let me let me go through yeah let's do that we'll switch off again sure sure um a previous sponsor once told me that in the security where it says i need like to be okay that I needed to be able to get that from God on higher power ultimately yeah absolutely the realization is a different part than part four but you're right on the security you know I'm trying to get my power from me or a person let me just finish this out so because mine's a little different too So we already know, was my mother-in-law the cause? We know what she did. Self-esteem, I am the best daughter-in law she could have. Fear of not being good enough. Pride, how I think others should see me, the role I've assigned. Others should see that I'm a good wife. Fear of being a bad wife. Ambition, what I want to happen here. Start sentences with I want. I want my mother in law to love who I am. fear of not being loved good security what I need here to be okay start sense with I need blank to be OK. I need to be respected to be ok. Fear of not not being respected. See how easy this is. OK. Personal relationships my deep seated beliefs are how the relationship is supposed to look mother-in-laws don't judge their daughter-in law fear of being judged you guys got it you guys are sharp man okay sex relations now i was always told that sex relations is always referring to me or is that is that so i guess it shows that you could do it either way but it says i was always taught that this is always talking about me so the sex relation i had to change that word because it's confusing to gender relations. That's how Tyler did it. Okay, so a real woman, meaning me, a real women is respected by others. Fira? Not being respected. Thank you, Leah. Okay. And pocketbook. Pocketbook. Not always is our pocketbook going to be affected, by the way. A lot of my inventories that I had, the person didn't affect my pocketbook okay so a lot so if you're gonna leave anything blank on here the only thing you can leave blank is pocketbook like if you just had a best friend that just you know just dissed you or something they didn't do anything to your pocketbook they take any money they do anything in this case my mother-in-law kept our the house in her name and she wouldn't turn it over to our name because, whatever. No one should control our finances. No one should control our finances, what's the fear? Not being in control of my finances. Being controlled, fear of being controlled by somebody, okay so is that clear and seriously all the other examples on the other pages are just as easy is that. So if you get stuck, does anyone want to, does anyone, did anyone do one that wants to read one? You want to read yours? Yeah, come on up here and do it. My name's Jan. I'm an alcoholic and addict. Um, so this little background, this is somebody, um, that's in a sober living with me and we came in around the same time and uh i kind of see well let's go through it so i'm resentful at noble um he called me out for asking for more time to sleep he's better at seeing what is going on with the guys in my house than i am i feel like he is better than me uh my self-esteem I said I am just as capable as him fear of being I'm not as capable and pride I said others should see that I'm just as capable as he is and as that others don't see me equally it's my fear ambition I want to be as intuitive and as intuitive as noble when recognizing housemates struggles my fear is that I am NOT as intuitive security I need to I need to see myself being equal to to be okay and I need others to see myself being able to be ok and I can't control others and I'm afraid that I'm not equal personal relations we should be equal and then my fear is that he's further than me and we are not equal and sex relations I just said a real man should not feel threatened and fear of insecurity so with that one it didn't down the road you'll expand your resources yeah uh patrick alcoholic i'm resentful at kathleen brooks who's my therapist and uh what's her name what's your address I'm the cause was that she kicked me out of group she looked down on me for drinking and womanizing self-esteem I'm the best patient she could want I'm a terrible patient is my fair fear she should see me making incredible progress was my pride and my fear is that I'm not getting any better yeah ambition I want to be the most improved patient and I'm never going to get any better that's my fear security I need to be accepted the way I am yeah and my fear is that I'm rejected and undesirable personal relationships therapists accept patients the way they are and my fear is that I'm not loved a real man doesn't need their therapist for approval and my fear is insecure and needy pocketbook others should be patient with my financial instability and my fears that will not be able to pay my bills. I'll give this a try. My name is Gary, I'm an alcoholic. Mine's similar to yours Pat. I got this resentment on this guy and he's sort of a superintendent on a project and he's always in a controlling state he has a loud voice and I'm allowing him to rent space in my head all the time so what does this affect in my self-esteem it affects my intelligence and it makes me my fear of it is that that I may think that he feels that I'm stupid say and that really hurts the other thing in pride he should know that I am intelligent and I don't think he does but started off with others should see others should see yeah because you imagine how you how do you want everybody else to see this relationship if there's just one particular person so I know what you're saying in general that makes sense yeah okay the ambition is I would like it says here I want him I would like everyone to know who I am all right and my fear is that people don't have that they don't see the confidence in me and then the security thing I wish he would know that I have the knowledge and I don't think I need him yeah to know that I have the knowledge yeah I've been in school in a long time fear of that he doesn't know that I had been touch correct now the personal relationship is it would be nice if he would know how it affects my emotions always assume he's He's a superintendent. Superintendents, what's the role of the superintendents? So superintendants should… Should. Should. He should know how it affects my emotions, right? Yeah. Okay. And what's my fear of it is that he doesn't know how it affects me emotions. Fear of being overlooked. Yeah. Like down in the pocketbook this is pretty simple here. What about sex relations? Yeah. Real men. Real men? He's doing this stuff to you. What does a real man do in that situation? It affects my pocketbook, my financial situation. Yeah, but what's your situation? Real men, so real men. A real man knows. A real men knows. How it affects the financial situation, right? Oh, okay. And my fear is that I don't think he understands how it does. you think he's writing about himself that's pretty choppy yeah i'll try but it's a start anyway i hope we get i'll work on it even closer thanks if you don't want to say the person's name in the first column make one up So I picked my dad because he kidnapped me and my sister and took us to Wyoming from the East Coast, robbed me of my childhood, made me have to grow up too young, take care of him, be the adult. He gave me my first drink and many others and he didn't father me. So target would be I guess he wasn't a good father and I have to take care of myself. Self-esteem. I am independent and self-sufficient, and I'm afraid of being needy and codependent. Okay. Fear of? Fear of, yeah. Okay. Pride. Others should take good care of me and work through issues because I'm worthy of being loved and respected and cherished, and I're afraid of the fact that I'm not. I'm scared of being abandoned. Good. I want everyone to see me as independent and strong selfish self-sufficient I want to be loved and taken care of but I'm afraid of being like a needy and being abandoned security I need others to respect me to be okay or to see that I'm lovable the way that I am to be okay. I'm afraid of being unable to control how others see me or treat me. Personal relations, fathers respect love and take care of their daughters. Daughters love and respect their fathers. Daughter's look for husbands to take care of them like daddy did and I'm afraid that I'm unlovable, and that I am not respected, and then I'll be alone. Sex relations. A real man should take care of women, their wives, daughters, mothers. A real woman is loved and respected by the men in their lives, and fear of not being taken care of, loved or respected. Pocketbook. No one should make their children take care of everything, pay bills, etc., and be the adult and grow up too fast. And I'm afraid of not being able to take care of my own family. Good. That's perfect. Good. If you just went down the list of fears, just read those fears and see if those fears relate to the person in the first column. Bad wife from a mother-in-law. A not good enough, bad wife, unloved, disrespected, judged, disrepresented, no control. Okay? See how those fears fuel the resentment, right? Those fears will fuel resentment. If I didn't have any of those fears, I wouldn't have a resentment. You see what I'm saying? If I did not have the fear of not being good enough. If I do not have fear of being unlobed. unloved, if I didn't have the fear of being disrespected, then nothing that anybody could do, including my mother-in-law, doing those things that she did to me at my wedding, wouldn't have bothered me. You see what I'm saying? But because the fuel drives the delusion that causes us to be resentful of that person, we need to put fear back in the relationship, right? It's the fear that drives the delution. Does everyone understand that? The bottom line is we've got to see these fears because we've set rules on ourselves and other people and situations in order for us to be okay in how we think things are supposed to look. Things are supposed to look a certain way for me to be okay, right? Do you see how that third step play in the ballet are all playing out in this third column? Does it make sense now? Okay. Who wants to come up next? Okay. Jason. Jason Smith alcoholic so the difficulty that I have when doing inventories is I've done quite a few of them and I always seem to get to my part before I'm able to get this stuff out so it all comes back to me and starts pointing the finger at me and so so it's difficult for me to do these so I put my boss TJ I said he always tells me how to do things. He challenges my scheduling. He has not given me a bigger raise. He doesn't help me. So the target would be doesn't think I can do my job or doesn't have confidence in me. Self-esteem, I'm doing the best I can. My fear is that maybe I'm not doing the rest of my work. I'm trying to do the best that I can get. Pride, others should understand how hard I work and how much I do for the company. My fear isthat I'mnot good enough. Maybe I'm not hardworking enough and not being honest in how I do my daily job, which actually I'm Not. So, I mean, that comes into play too, you know? Ambition. I want to be able to do a good job and get paid accordingly. I want my workplace to be more organized. Again, fear of not being good enough, fearofnotbeingwellorganized. Security. I need to bemore honest and consistent at work, and I needto make more money. to be okay yep fear of being fired fear of never being successful personal relations my my boss should be able to teach me my job and help me become better at what I do that's what bosses do I'll never be organized enough to do my job adequately is my fear sex relation a real man works hard and has integrity fear of being found out that I'm you know not doing a good job and that I don't know what I'm doing pocketbook no one should get paid for not doing their job not being good enough and getting fired Vinny! Vinny. Vinny, awesome! Well done. Vinny Vinny Recovered alcoholic. My name is Vinny Hey Vinny And thank you Leanne because I just wrote this out from her sharing her mother-in-law because I'm going through some issues right now that just surfaced and uh With your mother- in- law? My mother- In- law Alright So the cause is she's selling the house and she's moving to Seattle. She kept it from me and my wife, we were the last to know. And I put the target as she's selfish and inconsiderate. Self-esteem, I'm the best son-in-law she could ever have in fear of not being good enough. Pride, others should see how mentally and emotionally strong I am in a fear of being weak. Ambition is I want others to treat me fair and with respect, with communication. And there's a few fears, fear of being left in the dark, fear if disrespected, fear of being lied to. Security. I need a safety net to be okay. My mother-in-law's house was a safety for many years and fear of being alone. Personal relations. A family should always be honest and communicative. That's never the truth. It's never the truth, and fear of being lied to again, so I'm seeing a pattern coming down, and sex relations, a real man is very caring, loving, and communicitive, and fear of not being loved. In the pocketbook, I have a lot for this because I did my oil changes there, I worked on my car at this house, so and even just recently I took a day off of work Monday, yesterday I took it I took the mental day because I was stressed out to the point I wasn't sleeping so there's fear of losing my job and where am I going to go you know if I have to move out and others should see that their lifestyles affect me and you know fear of being alone again this was a tough one All right, so it's almost time to be done. Honestly, is anyone confused on this? It's pretty easy, right? Just don't overthink it. Honestly, there's a reason why there are so many pages of examples. if you just get stuck go to the examples and keep it remember the stupid saying keep it simple stupid I hate that but just keep it simple though seriously keep it simply don't overthink it start your sentence in the third column for each area of self just like it says don't write whatever you want there do it just like it says others should what others should see I'm a good wife start it like that and where it says sentence i want i want my mother-in-law to love me i love who i am i need blank to be okay just keep it keep it simple keep it one sentence if you can and then be sure to write the fear which is opposite of that don't forget because that is the most important thing that we need to see here right is we have to see that we're driven by a hundred forms of what and we're going to seethat when we write that fear inventory but This is where you're going to pull your fears from, is these inventories that we have to be able to see. And it makes perfect sense. If I'm just to look at those fears, that hits hard. It hits hard, it's like, whoa! How did I get all that? How did it know that the opposite of everything that I wrote there is exactly how I feel and what I fear about my mother-in-law? You know, those fears. I don't have those same fears with my kids. If I were to write in the first column something about when I was resentful at my daughter, I don't have the fear of being a bad wife. Well, maybe disrespected sometimes when my kids were little. But, you know, the fears are different a lot of times for most people. But a lot OF the same fear will show up. And you'll see a pattern. Okay? So by next week, you guys should come back with the whole front page of all of your resentments finished. So if you have 10 resentments, you should have 10 finished pages. That's all you're writing you're supposed to be doing. I don't think there's any more Big Book Awakening writing. So if you look at the sponsorship guide, I think we're like assignment 13 had us doing the first column of the copies. We did that. Assignment 14, read page 55. Be sure to get caught up with the Big Book awakening in your big book and do that. Make sure that you do the statements and the questions and the definitions and the things that just get caughtup. So assignment 14 says complete column 2. you're going to complete column 2, the cause. And then also I think on assignment 15 it says complete doing the first four things in column 3. And then 16 says complete all the third columns and don't do the realizations. So really we're halfway through. So we're completing like 16 but not the realitations. Please don't go through the realization. Don't do this page yet. next week i won't be here i'll be in boston so uh tyla you have the uh the privilege of tyla is going to fill in for me so it's going to be tyla and pat next week so don't miss out she's a firecracker especially on inventory so uh yeah yeah tyla will be filling in for me next weekso she'll be going over the realization and and pat and her will be going over briefing over what we just went over this week okay okay and um with that said uh i won't be here to tape next week and kenny's phone is possessed so is it can anybody record can we i need somebody someone to be responsible for recording the meeting this this workshop next week pat will you do it okay and uh and then maybe someone to play the music the the meditation You can try it. I have my iPad, so I can at least play the music. Okay, excellent. So thank you, Pat. And who wants to bring food next week? Pat, you want to bring food? What are you guys bringing? Northgate? What's Northgate'? Northgate is good! It's what? Mexican food? Mexican food?? Okay. That's awesome. Please make sure, everybody, that you put money in the basket by the... Wait, should we pass the baskets? We'll pass the buckets. Here's a basket. Yeah, that's a good basket. Okay. Okay. Be careful with this guy, okay? And this weekend is the spring roundup for those of you... How many of you are going to the spring roundup this week? Oh, look at you guys. Awesome. Okay, yes. Where is the brother load of GBA people that are doing what? They're doing the 24-hour? Marathon meetings? We have quite a few people from Big Book Awakening leading some marathon meetings. I know Kenny's leading a meeting. Saturday at 7. Saturday at 7, Kenny's leading a meeting. Who else is leading a reading? Friday night at 8 o'clock. Who else? Heather, do you have something to announce for spring roundup this weekend? Happy hour meeting at 3 o' clock? Okay. One of our friends on Saturday, Tony, 5 p.m., We've got a slot on the Marathon meeting. Okay. If you have never been to the Spring Roundup, I urge you guys to go. It's really a great experience to be able to be around a bunch of alcoholics. What's that? What's up? Yeah, addicts can go. Do you have a desire to quit drinking? Then you're welcome. Yeah, you can go, of course you can. Addicts are welcome. Al-Anon's are speaking there I think so yeah all right okay Pat do you have anything no I think we're good guys any questions on that inventory come up after yeah please see Pat and I will be we'll hang out up here I I think you had some questions just come up and see Pat after it will you come up in see Pat okay all right if you got any questions we'll be sitting up here let's go ahead ahead and close with what prayer do we want to close with okay grab a hand God, grant myself to thee to fill with me and to do with me as thou wilt. Relieve me of the bondage of self, that I may better do thy will. Take away my difficulties, that victory over them May he be a witness to those I would help, of thy power, of thine love, and thy way of life. May I do thy will always. Stay!